{"id":307431,"date":"2022-03-09T08:03:12","date_gmt":"2022-03-09T13:03:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/sexual-purity-whats-it-look-like\/"},"modified":"2022-03-09T08:03:12","modified_gmt":"2022-03-09T13:03:12","slug":"sexual-purity-whats-it-look-like","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/sexual-purity-whats-it-look-like\/","title":{"rendered":"Sexual Purity: What&#8217;s It Look Like?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Is sexual purity all about willpower? Drawing from his experience, author Garrett Kell provides insight &amp; long-term strategies for your pathway to freedom.<br \/>\nShow Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tFind resources from this podcast at shop.familylife.com.<br \/>\n \tFind more content and resources on the FamilyLife&#8217;s app!<br \/>\n \tHelp others find Familylife.\u00a0 Leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify.<br \/>\n \tCheck out all the Familylife&#8217;s on the FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Is sexual purity all about willpower? Drawing from his experience, author Garrett Kell provides insight &amp; long-term strategies for your pathway to freedom.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2022-03-09.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:26:43","filesize":"24.47M","filesize_raw":"25655903","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2844,2827],"tags":[2321],"podcast_series":[8510],"cwp_profile":[9760],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-307431","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-pornography","category-repentance","tag-sexual-purity","podcast_series-garrett-kell-pure-in-heart","cwp_profile-j-garrett-kell","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/307431\/sexual-purity-whats-it-look-like","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/307431\/sexual-purity-whats-it-look-like","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"Czsf304p51\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/sexual-purity-whats-it-look-like\/\">Sexual Purity: What&#8217;s It Look Like?<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/sexual-purity-whats-it-look-like\/embed\/#?secret=Czsf304p51\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Sexual Purity: What&#8217;s It Look Like?&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"Czsf304p51\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2022-03-09.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2022-03-09.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Hi; Shelby Abbot here. Today\u2019s conversation on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> covers some sensitive, but important, subjects that might not be good for younger ears; so please use discretion when listening to this next broadcast. Now, let\u2019s jump into it.\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> Some of you need to get a different job because of that person that you\u2019re working with, who\u2019s a temptation. Some of you need to get rid of the internet in your house, and you\u2019re just going to be out of touch. Some of you need to stop watching the show that everybody thinks is so amazing\u2014it\u2019s got a great storyline\u2014but it\u2019s filled with smut.\n\nAsk God to help you to see: \u201cHow is the sin getting in?\u201d You\u2019ve got to do whatever it takes to cut it out. I think you\u2019ve got to set yourself up in such a way that it\u2019s hard to sin; and that you have help that abounds, both from those who are closest to you and, ultimately, from your God.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> If you could think of one of the <em>hardest<\/em> things to figure out as a follower of Christ, of all the things we navigate as a Christ-follower, what first comes to your mind?\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>How to become like Christ.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, yes; that would be it.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay, what would you say?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I mean, I was thinking, \u201ctemptation.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, it\u2019s kind of the same.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014which is similar.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But I was thinking one of the things that I underestimated, as I came to Christ, is I didn\u2019t think I would be tempted as strongly as I was as an unbeliever\/a non-believer. I knew I was tempted then. I thought\u2014in Christ\/the power of God in my life\u2014that the temptations would be there, but not very strong. I was <em>shocked<\/em> to feel, sometimes, a <em>burning<\/em> in my soul for things that were sin; I thought it wouldn\u2019t be that strong.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You thought it would go away.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I was shocked that it\u2019s a <em>war<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You know what mine was? Mine was that I would still struggle with identity issues\u2014of thinking: \u201cWhat\u2019s <em>wrong<\/em> with me? I\u2019m not good enough,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m too damaged, because of sexual abuse; I\u2019m not worthy,\u201d\u2014but I also had a sense of judgment toward <em>you<\/em>\u2014this is terrible\u2014especially because you\u2019re a pastor; and I am judging you, based on: \u201cHow can you <em>struggle<\/em> like this?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I felt the same thing. I think every follower of Christ knows what we\u2019re talking about.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Sometimes, it\u2019s unnamed or it\u2019s secret; but we\u2019ve all felt that burn\/that desire to do something that\u2019s against God\u2019s will in our life. We\u2019re, in some ways, shocked and, at the same time, we\u2019re like, \u201cHow do I win this?\u201d\u2014right?\n\nWe\u2019re sitting here with Garrett Kell, back with us today again, and talking about temptation\/sexual temptation; but it\u2019s any kind of temptation really.\n\nGarrett, welcome back to <em>FamilyLife<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> It\u2019s good to be back; I\u2019ve enjoyed these days.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I have too.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We\u2019ve had a couple of <em>great<\/em> days, talking about your book, <em>Pure in Heart: Sexual Sin and the Promises of God<\/em>. You\u2019re a pastor; you\u2019ve been a pastor for how many years now?\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> About 17 years of pastoral ministry: part of that in Texas and now, the past nine years, at Del Ray Baptist in Alexandria, [Virginia].\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We talked for a couple of days about <em>your<\/em> struggle with pornography, and many of us have been there. Here\u2019s the question: \u201cHow does a person win over any sin\u2014whether sexual sin\/pornography\u2014you name it? How do we find victory?\u201d And again, I want to get to the title of your book\u2014<em>Pure in Heart<\/em>\u2014\u201cWhat does it mean to be pure in heart?\u201d\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> Let me give you an example of what it <em>doesn\u2019t<\/em> look like first. When I was a new Christian\u2014probably had been walking with the Lord for two years or so\u2014we had a group of guys. It will be clear as we talk about this that sexual temptation is something that hits both men and women\u2014this is <em>not<\/em> just a guys\u2019 thing; right?\u2014this is, as a pastor, I am keenly aware of that.\n\nI was meeting with the guys; there was about ten of us. We called ourselves the Holy Club, or something like that; because we were trying to walk in holiness. What we would do is we would meet on Saturday mornings, and we would sit in a circle. In the middle of the circle was a big jug. It was that, if we had sinned that week someway\u2014that we needed to walk up, confess what we had done, and put money in the jar\u2014[Laughter]\u2014then you go and you sit down.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Everybody had to be walking up to the jar.\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> See; that\u2019s the problem\u2014it\u2019s like, some weeks, you would walk up, and you would confess sin, put money in the jar and walk back, filled with shame\u2014but then the next week, what happens if you walk in and you didn\u2019t sin in that particular way? You get to self-righteously sit there, and say, \u201cNo; this week, I did <em>wonderful<\/em>.\u201d\n\nI use that illustration\u2014 and it\u2019s a little risky\u2014but the reason I use it is because, so often, that\u2019s how purity is thought of: it\u2019s thought of as a performance; it\u2019s thought of as an end itself. I know not everybody was caught with that being an end of itself; but for <em>me<\/em>, there was so much weight on I wanted to look good in front of other people and I wanted to not have to confess, that I was on this constant roller coaster of shame and self-righteousness that was just <em>unstable<\/em>.\n\nI think, when we look in the Scriptures, that\u2019s not what purity is about. Jesus lays out a promise for us in Matthew, Chapter 5:8\u2014it\u2019s one of my favorite promises\u2014it says:\n\u201cBlessed are the pure in heart, <em>for<\/em> they shall see God [emphasis added].\u201d What we learn there about purity is that purity is not an end in itself\u2014it\u2019s not just <em>not<\/em> looking at pornography, or <em>not<\/em> committing adultery, or <em>not<\/em> giving into the urges of same-sex attraction, or <em>not <\/em>giving into whatever else it may be\u2014those are good things to avoid, and God is glorified when we do it by faith\u2014but they\u2019re a <em>means<\/em> to an end. The<em> end is to know God<\/em>\u2014it\u2019s to see Him, to know Him, to enjoy Him\u2014\u201cBlessed are the pure in heart <em>because<\/em> <em>you get to see God<\/em> [Matthew 5:8, emphasis added],\u201d both now in this life <em>and in the life to come<\/em>.\n\nWhen I began to understand that, it was liberating\u2014and it\u2019s also strengthening\u2014because 2 Corinthians 3:18 says that the way you grow as a Christian\/the way we grow is with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord. We\u2019re transformed from one degree of glory to the next. The way you grow from degree of glory to a degree of glory is by <em>looking to Him<\/em> and <em>pursuing Him<\/em>\u2014and saying, \u201cNo,\u201d to the promises of sin\u2014because that\u2019s what a temptation is. A temptation is simply a promise, like, \u201cThere\u2019s some pleasure for you that\u2019s going to come; but you\u2019re going to have to not trust God, and you\u2019re going to come over here for this thing,\u201d\u2014whatever it is. And it\u2019s always immediate satisfaction; right?\n\nBut Jesus lays promises that: \u201cNo, you\u2019ve got to fight fire with fire.\u201d So when temptation comes, you\u2019ve got to have another promise. For instance, a couple of weeks ago, I was sitting in my car. I rarely have social media on my phone\u2014I\u2019ve just learned it\u2019s helpful for me to <em>not<\/em>\u2014I typically don\u2019t. I have my phone set up to where, if you put a gun to my head, I couldn\u2019t pull up pornography. Like right now, if you did that with my phone, I just couldn\u2019t.\n\nThat day, I had downloaded a social media app to post something. My wife has my code; so every time I\u2019m like, \u201cHoney, I need to download an app. I\u2019m sorry you married a 13-year-old. Can you unlock my phone so I can download it?\u201d I had neglected to turn it off; had it on there. I was sitting in my truck. I was just scrolling through, and somebody posted something that was sensual. I wasn\u2019t hunting for it, but it came up on my feed. And in that moment, I <em>feel<\/em> the urge; I\u2019m like, \u201cOh, my goodness.\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cThere\u2019s a part of me\/my flesh, is like, \u2018I\u2019ll just take a look\u2014it\u2019s just one look\u2014just see what: \u201cIs that <em>really<\/em> what that was?\u201d You know what I mean; it\u2019s all of that.\n\nIn that moment, I\u2019ve got to make a decision: \u201cIs the promise of sin, which <em>feels so true<\/em>, <em>better<\/em> than the promise of God?\u201d What I had to do in that moment is say, \u201c\u2018Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.\u2019 Lord, help me.\u201d I blocked the person; deleted the app; text my wife\u2014I said, \u201cHi, Honey, I just wanted to let you know, I was just on social media, and I saw something sensual. I didn\u2019t stay there\/didn\u2019t linger; I blocked the person, and I deleted the app. I wanted you to know.\u201d\n\nThen I copied that and I texted it to my three other buddies\u2014to Jason, to Chris and to Ben\u2014to show them what I\u2019d sent my wife; I just sent it to them. Because in that moment, what I know is that I am too weak to just fight this. If I just leave that app on there all day and go back\u2014then after lunch, I\u2019m a little tired; and a little\/something\u2019s gone wrong, and I feel a little entitled and a little self-pity\u2014I\u2019m going to be weaker against that. So I had to go grab a promise, ask God to help me to believe it, and then I had to get in the light with other people right away.\n\nLearning to live like that takes time, but that\u2019s the way to purity; it\u2019s like, \u201cI want my heart to be <em>filled<\/em> with Jesus.\u201d The way we <em>get<\/em> there is by saying, \u201cNo,\u201d to sin and \u201cYes,\u201d to Him and doing that ten million times until we see Him face to face.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019m thinking about the purity culture, because that was when we were raising our kids. I think what you\u2019re saying is all it was\u2014\u201cOkay, here\u2019s the goal,\u201d\u2014but we weren\u2019t getting into: \u201cThis is who God is, and He\u2019s well worth it,\u201d and \u201cThis will be great.\u201d It was more like: \u201cJust meet the demands of \u2018Just be pure.\u2019\u201d\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> Yes, I totally agree. Certainly, there were some people, I\u2019m sure, in the purity culture who\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014whose hearts were great.\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> \u2014whose hearts were right and all that. But the movement, as a whole, I think, was short-sighted.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We feel like that with our kids; like we\u2019ve even apologized to them, like, \u201cYou guys, our hearts were right; but the way we brought it to you probably wasn\u2019t great.\u201d\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> Because when the \u201cJust not doing\u2026\u201d is the goal, <em>we miss what it\u2019s intended to lead us to<\/em>, which is to see Jesus and to know Jesus; that\u2019s actually where the strength comes from to keep fighting. Because the more that you walk with Him, He strengthens you in the same way that, when you give into sin, what do you want? You want a little more and then a little more, and it gets stronger\u2014it\u2019s like a beast that you feed\u2014it gets stronger. The Spirit\u2014when you cultivate seeing Christ\u2014it strengthens you.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, I was going to say\u2014I know you\u2019re a pastor and even a theologian\u2014so talk about the theology of purity being something that is my identity in Christ as opposed to something I gain by performance.\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> Yes; if I\u2019m not a Christian, I am in sin of sin; I love sin. Before I was a Christian, I loved my sin. You don\u2019t have to command people to sin because it\u2019s enjoyable; that\u2019s why they go do it; right? That was my identity; my identity was wrapped up: \u201cI\u2019m this,\u201d or \u201c\u2026that.\u201d\n\nWhen you become a Christian, a couple of things happen. First of all, the Spirit gives you eyes to see Jesus now, not just as dying and rising from the dead, but dying <em>for you<\/em> and rising <em>for you<\/em>. It becomes personal. You are given eyes to see; you are united with Him. Now, you are given a new standing\u2014it is called justification\u2014we\u2019re justified. We\u2019re declared righteous before Him, and we are position-ally pure before God: \u201cThere is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus [Romans 8:1].\u201d You are His child; you\u2019re forgiven.\n\nNow, the Spirit, who lives in us, now produces the life of Christ in us. He is transforming us day by day, step by step, decision by decision to make us look more like Jesus practically. Position-ally, we\u2019re holy; and we are being made more holy\u2014sanctification is the word\u2014we are being made more like Jesus. That happens as\u2014by faith, God is working in us, giving us strength\u2014we obey Him.\n\nSo just like what happened that day in the [truck]\u2014there was an act of obedience; it was by faith that I lean in, by grace, to a promise\u2014I look to Jesus, and He makes us more like Him. Me performing correctly is not what gives me a right standing with God. My identity is that now I am in Christ\/of Christ. I\u2019ve died to sin; it\u2019s like: \u201cSin no more,\u201d\u2014you don\u2019t have to do what you used to do, because you\u2019re not who you used to be. You\u2019re dead to that old person\u2014Romans 6 says\u2014you died with Christ and now you are <em>alive in Christ<\/em>; and there\u2019s new life, and there\u2019s new power.\n\nI think it\u2019s one of the lies that I didn\u2019t believe for a long time. I remember thinking, \u201cI have to keep doing this; I\u2019m never <em>really<\/em> going to be free.\u201d I just believed that lie. It took some really hard days, and some true honesty and real accountability to stop drinking in the well of sin, to be able to be able to begin to walk in the light. It\u2019s not an overnight thing\u2014there\u2019s no switch; there\u2019s no pill; there\u2019s no shot that you can get and like, \u201cOh, wait; look, I\u2019ve arrived,\u201d\u2014it\u2019s a process.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Talk about your marriage: \u201cWhat did this look like? It sounds like you and your wife are super open; you have accountability with her\u2014she knows <em>all of you<\/em>\u2014so what does that look like for her in this journey with the two of you?\u201d\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> Yes, this is where I would say, \u201cEvery couple\u2019s different so what my wife and I do may not be the best for everybody.\u201d But I think there\u2019s some principles we need too.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> A Christian husband\u2019s primary job is to help his wife to heaven. And a Christian wife\u2019s primary job is to help her husband to heaven. You want to help each other to look to Jesus together. That\u2019s why we got married; we want to follow Jesus together.\n\nPart of that is we want to help each other to fight sin. So she <em>knows<\/em> my temptations; she knows my struggles; she knows my patterns. And we just sat down and had a conversation about this to where I use Covenant Eyes, which is a reporting thing that kind of keeps track of everything that you look at on the internet. One report goes to one of our fellow pastors and another one goes to my wife,\u00a0 which is a huge deterrent. It\u2019s not the only thing you need, but it\u2019s hugely helpful; she gets that.\n\nAnd if I\u2019m feeling tempted, I will often just be like, \u201cWill you just pray for me?\u201d Now, she also knows that I\u2019m going to be <em>more explicit<\/em> and very detailed in my confessions to my other brothers in ways that I don\u2019t think she wants to hear about or needs to hear about necessarily\u2014unless it crosses a particular threshold\u2014and those brothers would be like, \u201cI think you need to reach out to Carrie; you need to talk to her about this\u201d; we\u2019ve all kind of agreed on what those thresholds are. For her, she wants to have a general pulse on how I\u2019m doing, and she wants to be able to pray for me and encourage me. That\u2019s been hugely helpful.\n\nWith these guys, I\u2019m <em>very<\/em> transparent; we\u2019ve learned to be very honest in our confessions. And one of the things we\u2019ve learned to do\u2014so even as you heard in that example\u2014we try to confess our temptations. Not that temptation is a sin; being tempted is not a sin\u2014Jesus was tempted; He wasn\u2019t in sin\u2014but when I\u2019m tempted, there\u2019s something I want to sin, which Jesus didn\u2019t struggle with. I\u2019ve found. if you get that into the light right away, it helps; because otherwise, if you leave something there, it just kind of lingers. Over a while, it starts looking a little better; and it starts getting a little stronger. That\u2019s why you\u2019ve got to <em>kill<\/em> it and get it in the light right away.\n\nWe try and cultivate that relationship. Now, there have been times when I did look at a thing\/I compromised on what I looked at in the internet; and I sinned. And those are the <em>hardest<\/em> conversations. I know you guys [Dave and Ann] have been public about your own struggle with that, and I <em>hurt<\/em> her.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, and here\u2019s one of the questions about that for you\u2014and also for our listeners, probably wondering\u2014\u201cOkay, how about trust?\u201d When your husband is confessing, or your wife\u2019s confessing sin\u2014and maybe it\u2019s been a month; or maybe it\u2019s been a day\u2014but there\u2019s a sin again\u2014or maybe the same struggle, whether it\u2019s porn or whatever\u2014you start to lose trust, like, \u201cWow, you\u2019re not\u2014I\u2019m glad you\u2019re telling me\u2014but you\u2019re not winning.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s what I was going to say, Dave. I\u2019ve talked to so many wives especially\u2014because I\u2019m talking to wives a lot\u2014that are so discouraged, like, \u201cHe\u2019s not winning. This has been going on for five years. I\u2019m tired of his promises; I\u2019m tired of him saying, \u2018You know, I\u2019m going to win this time.\u2019\u201d What do you say to <em>them<\/em>?\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> I\u2019m going to have a word for the husbands, and I\u2019m going to have a word for the wives.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Good.\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> First thing for the wives:\n\n\u201cRemember that Jesus is near and that you are <em>rightly<\/em> being grieved. It is wrong for your husband to sin against you in this way, so you don\u2019t need to feel <em>ashamed<\/em> that it hurt you; it makes sense that it hurt you. Now I think, \u2018In your anger,\u2019\u2014Ephesians would say\u2014\u2018do not sin [Ephesians 4:26]\u2019; so don\u2019t retaliate evil for evil. I think you want to pray and plead that God would:\n<ul>\n \t<li>A.) Help you to trust Him to believe that your husband\u2019s struggle with this sin is not about you; it\u2019s about his problem with Jesus. He looks at porn, not because you\u2019re dissatisfying; but because he\u2019s dissatisfied with Jesus. It\u2019s his fault. I think ask God to help you believe that that\u2019s true.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n \t<li>[B.] Ask God to help you to grieve appropriately. It is right for you to grieve that he\u2019s hurt you. But it\u2019s even more important to ask God to help you to learn to be grieved that he\u2019s hurt God. We, oftentimes, are so horizontal in this conversation that we forget that the one that we chiefly sinned against is God. Pray that your heart would be broken for his relationship with God, which I think will, over time, produce some compassion, which is necessary\u2014not a compassion in the sense of pity, like, \u2018Oh, it\u2019s okay,\u2019\u2014but like, \u2018Oh, I want his heart to be free; so he can know Jesus as he should.\u2019<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n \t<li>[C.] Then I think you want to help make sure that he\u2019s in the light. If he\u2019s just doing this, but not telling anybody, at some point, you need to tell him, \u2018I\u2019m going to need to go to talk to the pastor, because I need help.\u2019 That\u2019s the most loving thing, sometimes, you can do is to go and say, \u2018My husband needs help. Please call him out.\u2019\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\nThere\u2019s a lot more there, and I\u2019d be happy to talk about it.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s good though.\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> For the husbands:\n\n\u201cBrothers, what I would say is what you\u2019ve got to remember is your sin <em>always<\/em> affects others, and you\u2019ve got to understand that <em>you are hurting your wife<\/em>. You are tempting her to think that she\u2019s not enough.\n<ul>\n \t<li>\u201cYou\u2019ve got to know that all of those women, or men, or whatever it is that you are looking at on the internet, they\u2019re lying to you. They <em>don\u2019t<\/em> want you; they\u2019re <em>paid<\/em> to act like they want you, but they <em>don\u2019t<\/em> <em>want<\/em> you. What your heart is <em>really<\/em> looking for is Jesus. I forget who made the quote; but somebody said one time that: \u2018When a young man goes to the brothel, what he\u2019s really looking for is God.\u2019 What you\u2019re really looking for is God. God\u2019s the only One who can give you the affirmation that your soul is seeking; so you\u2019ve got to know that, chiefly, this is an issue with you and the Lord.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n \t<li>\u201cSecondly, you\u2019ve got to look at your wife and see: \u2018That\u2019s an image-bearer; and as she weeps, you\u2019re supposed to see that\u2019s how Jesus weeps. You\u2019re <em>grieving Him<\/em>; you\u2019re <em>sinning against God<\/em>. Feel the weight of that. Now, you could feel it and just feel ashamed and think, \u201cI just can\u2019t move.\u201d This is where the gospel comes for you. The good news is that Jesus can meet you in the midst of your mess and His arm is not too short to save. But you are too weak, brother; you are <em>too weak<\/em> to do it by yourself. You\u2019ve got to reach out: go to a trusted friend, who\u2019s godly; go to your pastor\/whomever it may be; if you are a pastor, call a fellow pastor and come into the light.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\nWhat I mean by come into the light is not like, \u2018Hey, I\u2019m kind of struggling.\u2019 I mean <em>tell the whole truth<\/em>. Jesus said, \u2018Cut off your hand; pluck out your eye [Matthew 5:29-30].\u2019 You\u2019ve got to do whatever it takes to make getting to sin <em>impossible<\/em>: so whatever that looks like for you.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Explain that because I don\u2019t want a listener, going, \u201cOh, I\u2019m going to gouge out my eye right now.\u201d\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> Yes, He\u2019s literally using a metaphor to teach you how <em>drastic<\/em> this is.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> Some of you need to get a different job, because of that person that you\u2019re working with, who\u2019s a temptation. Some of you need to get rid of the internet in your house, and you\u2019re just going to be out of touch. Some of you need to stop watching the show that everybody thinks is so amazing\u2014it\u2019s got a great storyline\u2014but it\u2019s filled with smut.\n\nAsk God to help you to see: \u201cHow is the sin getting in?\u201d; and you\u2019ve got to do whatever it takes to cut it out. I think you\u2019ve got to set yourself up in such a way that it\u2019s hard to sin and that you have help that abounds, both from those who are closest to you and, ultimately, from your God.\n\nThat\u2019s where, again, we just want to say: \u201cIt\u2019s God\u2019s providence\/His wise arranging of things that you\u2019ve tuned in at just this time to hear that there is help; and He has come to set you free. There\u2019s a way out, and Jesus will help you.\u201d\n\nListen, husbands and wives, if you feel like it\u2019s so fractured\u2014because you\u2019ve sinned against one another\u2014I want you to know: \u201cHe can heal it. It won\u2019t be easy; it may be a long road. Trust does get rebuilt.\u201d Husbands or wives, if you\u2019ve sinned against one another, and you\u2019re like, \u201cWell, I haven\u2019t looked at anything in two months,\u201d\u2014and there\u2019s still hurt\u2014realize that you\u2019ve <em>sinned<\/em> against them, and it\u2019s going to take time to rebuild. But you keep loving, keep seeking Jesus, and <em>He will help you. <\/em>\n\n<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Man, that is a great word.\n\nI know, when I was growing up, to try and find porn was\u2014you couldn\u2019t find it; you had to go to a store and buy it, so you didn\u2019t\u2014unless you stumbled upon it, you didn\u2019t. Today, as you just said, it\u2019s in our pocket\u2014it\u2019s so accessible\u2014so we have to, like you said, set up the barbed wire.\n\nMan, you modeled it so well\u2014the brothers that you have in your life\u2014by the way, everything you said about a man struggling could be to the woman or the wife struggling.\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> Oh, yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s the same thing; it\u2019s: \u201cJust apply it to yourself,\u201d if you\u2019re a wife.\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> I felt like I wanted a resource that I could hand to any man or woman\u2014anybody, who\u2019s married or unmarried; somebody, who\u2019s struggling with same-sex attraction or whatever it may be; or somebody, who\u2019s not struggling and wants to help somebody\u2014\u201cHere\u2019s a resource, that will meet you where you are, that will show you: \u2018Jesus is the answer,\u2019 and what that means practically to be able to be set free.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s great. I would say, \u201cGo to FamilyLife.com. If we can help you, we are here to help you.\u201d\n\nGarrett, thanks\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Thank you.\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> Thank you, guys. God bless you.\n\n<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Man, when I think about his topic, there are just so many people who wrestle with this kind of stuff, myself included. The conversation today has been gospel-centered gold, really. It\u2019s been helpful, practical, and encouraging because it shines the spotlight on Jesus; Jesus is the solution. Garrett Kell, along with Dave and Ann Wilson, have really highlighted that. We need the goodness and grace of Jesus in order to overcome sexual sin; and when we fail\u2014not <em>if<\/em>, but when we fail\u2014God extends to us grace and calls us into something more profound.\n\nIf you want to find a copy of Garrett Kell\u2019s book, <em>Pure in Heart<\/em>, you could head to our FamilyLife Resource Center at FamilyLifeToday.com to order a copy; or you could give us a call at 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY,\u201d to order a copy of Garrett\u2019s book, <em>Pure in Heart<\/em>.\n\nWhile you\u2019re there, all this week, when you make a donation to the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, we want to say, \u201cThank you\u201d; and by doing that, we want to send you a copy of Sharon Jaynes\u2019s book, <em>When You Don\u2019t Like Your Story<\/em>. Her question really is\/this over-arching question is: \u201cWhat if your worst chapters could become your greatest victories?\u201d As we\u2019ve been talking about sexual sin today, there\u2019s some pretty bad defeats there\/some bad chapters in our lives. This book helps us to discover that God can turn those things around, not only helping us to see victory, but also bringing glory to His name and drawing people to Himself. Again, that\u2019s our gift to you when you make a donation of any amount, all this week, at FamilyLifeToday.com; we\u2019ll send you a copy of Sharon Jaynes\u2019s book, <em>When You Don\u2019t Like Your Story<\/em>.\n\nIf this content today, or any of our FamilyLife programs have been helpful for you, we\u2019d love for you to share today\u2019s podcast with a family member or a friend. Wherever you get your podcasts, it could really advance the gospel effort of what we\u2019re doing at FamilyLife if you\u2019d scroll down and rate and review us.\n\nNow, tomorrow, Dave and Ann Wilson are going to be talking with Sharon Jaynes, the author of the book that we\u2019ve been offering as a thank-you gift to you when you make a donation to FamilyLife. She\u2019s written a book called <em>When You Don\u2019t Like Your Story: What If Your Worst Chapters Could Become Your Greatest Victories?<\/em> That\u2019s coming up tomorrow; we hope you can join us.\n\nOn behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife, a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry.\n\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2022 FamilyLife. 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sexual purity all about willpower? Drawing from his experience, author Garrett Kell provides insight &amp; long-term strategies for your pathway to freedom.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2022-03-09.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Hi; Shelby Abbot here. Today\u2019s conversation on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> covers some sensitive, but important, subjects that might not be good for younger ears; so please use discretion when listening to this next broadcast. Now, let\u2019s jump into it.\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> Some of you need to get a different job because of that person that you\u2019re working with, who\u2019s a temptation. Some of you need to get rid of the internet in your house, and you\u2019re just going to be out of touch. Some of you need to stop watching the show that everybody thinks is so amazing\u2014it\u2019s got a great storyline\u2014but it\u2019s filled with smut.\n\nAsk God to help you to see: \u201cHow is the sin getting in?\u201d You\u2019ve got to do whatever it takes to cut it out. I think you\u2019ve got to set yourself up in such a way that it\u2019s hard to sin; and that you have help that abounds, both from those who are closest to you and, ultimately, from your God.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> If you could think of one of the <em>hardest<\/em> things to figure out as a follower of Christ, of all the things we navigate as a Christ-follower, what first comes to your mind?\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>How to become like Christ.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, yes; that would be it.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay, what would you say?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I mean, I was thinking, \u201ctemptation.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, it\u2019s kind of the same.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014which is similar.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But I was thinking one of the things that I underestimated, as I came to Christ, is I didn\u2019t think I would be tempted as strongly as I was as an unbeliever\/a non-believer. I knew I was tempted then. I thought\u2014in Christ\/the power of God in my life\u2014that the temptations would be there, but not very strong. I was <em>shocked<\/em> to feel, sometimes, a <em>burning<\/em> in my soul for things that were sin; I thought it wouldn\u2019t be that strong.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You thought it would go away.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I was shocked that it\u2019s a <em>war<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You know what mine was? Mine was that I would still struggle with identity issues\u2014of thinking: \u201cWhat\u2019s <em>wrong<\/em> with me? I\u2019m not good enough,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m too damaged, because of sexual abuse; I\u2019m not worthy,\u201d\u2014but I also had a sense of judgment toward <em>you<\/em>\u2014this is terrible\u2014especially because you\u2019re a pastor; and I am judging you, based on: \u201cHow can you <em>struggle<\/em> like this?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I felt the same thing. I think every follower of Christ knows what we\u2019re talking about.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Sometimes, it\u2019s unnamed or it\u2019s secret; but we\u2019ve all felt that burn\/that desire to do something that\u2019s against God\u2019s will in our life. We\u2019re, in some ways, shocked and, at the same time, we\u2019re like, \u201cHow do I win this?\u201d\u2014right?\n\nWe\u2019re sitting here with Garrett Kell, back with us today again, and talking about temptation\/sexual temptation; but it\u2019s any kind of temptation really.\n\nGarrett, welcome back to <em>FamilyLife<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> It\u2019s good to be back; I\u2019ve enjoyed these days.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I have too.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We\u2019ve had a couple of <em>great<\/em> days, talking about your book, <em>Pure in Heart: Sexual Sin and the Promises of God<\/em>. You\u2019re a pastor; you\u2019ve been a pastor for how many years now?\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> About 17 years of pastoral ministry: part of that in Texas and now, the past nine years, at Del Ray Baptist in Alexandria, [Virginia].\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We talked for a couple of days about <em>your<\/em> struggle with pornography, and many of us have been there. Here\u2019s the question: \u201cHow does a person win over any sin\u2014whether sexual sin\/pornography\u2014you name it? How do we find victory?\u201d And again, I want to get to the title of your book\u2014<em>Pure in Heart<\/em>\u2014\u201cWhat does it mean to be pure in heart?\u201d\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> Let me give you an example of what it <em>doesn\u2019t<\/em> look like first. When I was a new Christian\u2014probably had been walking with the Lord for two years or so\u2014we had a group of guys. It will be clear as we talk about this that sexual temptation is something that hits both men and women\u2014this is <em>not<\/em> just a guys\u2019 thing; right?\u2014this is, as a pastor, I am keenly aware of that.\n\nI was meeting with the guys; there was about ten of us. We called ourselves the Holy Club, or something like that; because we were trying to walk in holiness. What we would do is we would meet on Saturday mornings, and we would sit in a circle. In the middle of the circle was a big jug. It was that, if we had sinned that week someway\u2014that we needed to walk up, confess what we had done, and put money in the jar\u2014[Laughter]\u2014then you go and you sit down.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Everybody had to be walking up to the jar.\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> See; that\u2019s the problem\u2014it\u2019s like, some weeks, you would walk up, and you would confess sin, put money in the jar and walk back, filled with shame\u2014but then the next week, what happens if you walk in and you didn\u2019t sin in that particular way? You get to self-righteously sit there, and say, \u201cNo; this week, I did <em>wonderful<\/em>.\u201d\n\nI use that illustration\u2014 and it\u2019s a little risky\u2014but the reason I use it is because, so often, that\u2019s how purity is thought of: it\u2019s thought of as a performance; it\u2019s thought of as an end itself. I know not everybody was caught with that being an end of itself; but for <em>me<\/em>, there was so much weight on I wanted to look good in front of other people and I wanted to not have to confess, that I was on this constant roller coaster of shame and self-righteousness that was just <em>unstable<\/em>.\n\nI think, when we look in the Scriptures, that\u2019s not what purity is about. Jesus lays out a promise for us in Matthew, Chapter 5:8\u2014it\u2019s one of my favorite promises\u2014it says:\n\u201cBlessed are the pure in heart, <em>for<\/em> they shall see God [emphasis added].\u201d What we learn there about purity is that purity is not an end in itself\u2014it\u2019s not just <em>not<\/em> looking at pornography, or <em>not<\/em> committing adultery, or <em>not<\/em> giving into the urges of same-sex attraction, or <em>not <\/em>giving into whatever else it may be\u2014those are good things to avoid, and God is glorified when we do it by faith\u2014but they\u2019re a <em>means<\/em> to an end. The<em> end is to know God<\/em>\u2014it\u2019s to see Him, to know Him, to enjoy Him\u2014\u201cBlessed are the pure in heart <em>because<\/em> <em>you get to see God<\/em> [Matthew 5:8, emphasis added],\u201d both now in this life <em>and in the life to come<\/em>.\n\nWhen I began to understand that, it was liberating\u2014and it\u2019s also strengthening\u2014because 2 Corinthians 3:18 says that the way you grow as a Christian\/the way we grow is with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord. We\u2019re transformed from one degree of glory to the next. The way you grow from degree of glory to a degree of glory is by <em>looking to Him<\/em> and <em>pursuing Him<\/em>\u2014and saying, \u201cNo,\u201d to the promises of sin\u2014because that\u2019s what a temptation is. A temptation is simply a promise, like, \u201cThere\u2019s some pleasure for you that\u2019s going to come; but you\u2019re going to have to not trust God, and you\u2019re going to come over here for this thing,\u201d\u2014whatever it is. And it\u2019s always immediate satisfaction; right?\n\nBut Jesus lays promises that: \u201cNo, you\u2019ve got to fight fire with fire.\u201d So when temptation comes, you\u2019ve got to have another promise. For instance, a couple of weeks ago, I was sitting in my car. I rarely have social media on my phone\u2014I\u2019ve just learned it\u2019s helpful for me to <em>not<\/em>\u2014I typically don\u2019t. I have my phone set up to where, if you put a gun to my head, I couldn\u2019t pull up pornography. Like right now, if you did that with my phone, I just couldn\u2019t.\n\nThat day, I had downloaded a social media app to post something. My wife has my code; so every time I\u2019m like, \u201cHoney, I need to download an app. I\u2019m sorry you married a 13-year-old. Can you unlock my phone so I can download it?\u201d I had neglected to turn it off; had it on there. I was sitting in my truck. I was just scrolling through, and somebody posted something that was sensual. I wasn\u2019t hunting for it, but it came up on my feed. And in that moment, I <em>feel<\/em> the urge; I\u2019m like, \u201cOh, my goodness.\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cThere\u2019s a part of me\/my flesh, is like, \u2018I\u2019ll just take a look\u2014it\u2019s just one look\u2014just see what: \u201cIs that <em>really<\/em> what that was?\u201d You know what I mean; it\u2019s all of that.\n\nIn that moment, I\u2019ve got to make a decision: \u201cIs the promise of sin, which <em>feels so true<\/em>, <em>better<\/em> than the promise of God?\u201d What I had to do in that moment is say, \u201c\u2018Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.\u2019 Lord, help me.\u201d I blocked the person; deleted the app; text my wife\u2014I said, \u201cHi, Honey, I just wanted to let you know, I was just on social media, and I saw something sensual. I didn\u2019t stay there\/didn\u2019t linger; I blocked the person, and I deleted the app. I wanted you to know.\u201d\n\nThen I copied that and I texted it to my three other buddies\u2014to Jason, to Chris and to Ben\u2014to show them what I\u2019d sent my wife; I just sent it to them. Because in that moment, what I know is that I am too weak to just fight this. If I just leave that app on there all day and go back\u2014then after lunch, I\u2019m a little tired; and a little\/something\u2019s gone wrong, and I feel a little entitled and a little self-pity\u2014I\u2019m going to be weaker against that. So I had to go grab a promise, ask God to help me to believe it, and then I had to get in the light with other people right away.\n\nLearning to live like that takes time, but that\u2019s the way to purity; it\u2019s like, \u201cI want my heart to be <em>filled<\/em> with Jesus.\u201d The way we <em>get<\/em> there is by saying, \u201cNo,\u201d to sin and \u201cYes,\u201d to Him and doing that ten million times until we see Him face to face.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019m thinking about the purity culture, because that was when we were raising our kids. I think what you\u2019re saying is all it was\u2014\u201cOkay, here\u2019s the goal,\u201d\u2014but we weren\u2019t getting into: \u201cThis is who God is, and He\u2019s well worth it,\u201d and \u201cThis will be great.\u201d It was more like: \u201cJust meet the demands of \u2018Just be pure.\u2019\u201d\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> Yes, I totally agree. Certainly, there were some people, I\u2019m sure, in the purity culture who\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014whose hearts were great.\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> \u2014whose hearts were right and all that. But the movement, as a whole, I think, was short-sighted.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We feel like that with our kids; like we\u2019ve even apologized to them, like, \u201cYou guys, our hearts were right; but the way we brought it to you probably wasn\u2019t great.\u201d\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> Because when the \u201cJust not doing\u2026\u201d is the goal, <em>we miss what it\u2019s intended to lead us to<\/em>, which is to see Jesus and to know Jesus; that\u2019s actually where the strength comes from to keep fighting. Because the more that you walk with Him, He strengthens you in the same way that, when you give into sin, what do you want? You want a little more and then a little more, and it gets stronger\u2014it\u2019s like a beast that you feed\u2014it gets stronger. The Spirit\u2014when you cultivate seeing Christ\u2014it strengthens you.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, I was going to say\u2014I know you\u2019re a pastor and even a theologian\u2014so talk about the theology of purity being something that is my identity in Christ as opposed to something I gain by performance.\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> Yes; if I\u2019m not a Christian, I am in sin of sin; I love sin. Before I was a Christian, I loved my sin. You don\u2019t have to command people to sin because it\u2019s enjoyable; that\u2019s why they go do it; right? That was my identity; my identity was wrapped up: \u201cI\u2019m this,\u201d or \u201c\u2026that.\u201d\n\nWhen you become a Christian, a couple of things happen. First of all, the Spirit gives you eyes to see Jesus now, not just as dying and rising from the dead, but dying <em>for you<\/em> and rising <em>for you<\/em>. It becomes personal. You are given eyes to see; you are united with Him. Now, you are given a new standing\u2014it is called justification\u2014we\u2019re justified. We\u2019re declared righteous before Him, and we are position-ally pure before God: \u201cThere is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus [Romans 8:1].\u201d You are His child; you\u2019re forgiven.\n\nNow, the Spirit, who lives in us, now produces the life of Christ in us. He is transforming us day by day, step by step, decision by decision to make us look more like Jesus practically. Position-ally, we\u2019re holy; and we are being made more holy\u2014sanctification is the word\u2014we are being made more like Jesus. That happens as\u2014by faith, God is working in us, giving us strength\u2014we obey Him.\n\nSo just like what happened that day in the [truck]\u2014there was an act of obedience; it was by faith that I lean in, by grace, to a promise\u2014I look to Jesus, and He makes us more like Him. Me performing correctly is not what gives me a right standing with God. My identity is that now I am in Christ\/of Christ. I\u2019ve died to sin; it\u2019s like: \u201cSin no more,\u201d\u2014you don\u2019t have to do what you used to do, because you\u2019re not who you used to be. You\u2019re dead to that old person\u2014Romans 6 says\u2014you died with Christ and now you are <em>alive in Christ<\/em>; and there\u2019s new life, and there\u2019s new power.\n\nI think it\u2019s one of the lies that I didn\u2019t believe for a long time. I remember thinking, \u201cI have to keep doing this; I\u2019m never <em>really<\/em> going to be free.\u201d I just believed that lie. It took some really hard days, and some true honesty and real accountability to stop drinking in the well of sin, to be able to be able to begin to walk in the light. It\u2019s not an overnight thing\u2014there\u2019s no switch; there\u2019s no pill; there\u2019s no shot that you can get and like, \u201cOh, wait; look, I\u2019ve arrived,\u201d\u2014it\u2019s a process.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Talk about your marriage: \u201cWhat did this look like? It sounds like you and your wife are super open; you have accountability with her\u2014she knows <em>all of you<\/em>\u2014so what does that look like for her in this journey with the two of you?\u201d\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> Yes, this is where I would say, \u201cEvery couple\u2019s different so what my wife and I do may not be the best for everybody.\u201d But I think there\u2019s some principles we need too.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> A Christian husband\u2019s primary job is to help his wife to heaven. And a Christian wife\u2019s primary job is to help her husband to heaven. You want to help each other to look to Jesus together. That\u2019s why we got married; we want to follow Jesus together.\n\nPart of that is we want to help each other to fight sin. So she <em>knows<\/em> my temptations; she knows my struggles; she knows my patterns. And we just sat down and had a conversation about this to where I use Covenant Eyes, which is a reporting thing that kind of keeps track of everything that you look at on the internet. One report goes to one of our fellow pastors and another one goes to my wife,\u00a0 which is a huge deterrent. It\u2019s not the only thing you need, but it\u2019s hugely helpful; she gets that.\n\nAnd if I\u2019m feeling tempted, I will often just be like, \u201cWill you just pray for me?\u201d Now, she also knows that I\u2019m going to be <em>more explicit<\/em> and very detailed in my confessions to my other brothers in ways that I don\u2019t think she wants to hear about or needs to hear about necessarily\u2014unless it crosses a particular threshold\u2014and those brothers would be like, \u201cI think you need to reach out to Carrie; you need to talk to her about this\u201d; we\u2019ve all kind of agreed on what those thresholds are. For her, she wants to have a general pulse on how I\u2019m doing, and she wants to be able to pray for me and encourage me. That\u2019s been hugely helpful.\n\nWith these guys, I\u2019m <em>very<\/em> transparent; we\u2019ve learned to be very honest in our confessions. And one of the things we\u2019ve learned to do\u2014so even as you heard in that example\u2014we try to confess our temptations. Not that temptation is a sin; being tempted is not a sin\u2014Jesus was tempted; He wasn\u2019t in sin\u2014but when I\u2019m tempted, there\u2019s something I want to sin, which Jesus didn\u2019t struggle with. I\u2019ve found. if you get that into the light right away, it helps; because otherwise, if you leave something there, it just kind of lingers. Over a while, it starts looking a little better; and it starts getting a little stronger. That\u2019s why you\u2019ve got to <em>kill<\/em> it and get it in the light right away.\n\nWe try and cultivate that relationship. Now, there have been times when I did look at a thing\/I compromised on what I looked at in the internet; and I sinned. And those are the <em>hardest<\/em> conversations. I know you guys [Dave and Ann] have been public about your own struggle with that, and I <em>hurt<\/em> her.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, and here\u2019s one of the questions about that for you\u2014and also for our listeners, probably wondering\u2014\u201cOkay, how about trust?\u201d When your husband is confessing, or your wife\u2019s confessing sin\u2014and maybe it\u2019s been a month; or maybe it\u2019s been a day\u2014but there\u2019s a sin again\u2014or maybe the same struggle, whether it\u2019s porn or whatever\u2014you start to lose trust, like, \u201cWow, you\u2019re not\u2014I\u2019m glad you\u2019re telling me\u2014but you\u2019re not winning.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s what I was going to say, Dave. I\u2019ve talked to so many wives especially\u2014because I\u2019m talking to wives a lot\u2014that are so discouraged, like, \u201cHe\u2019s not winning. This has been going on for five years. I\u2019m tired of his promises; I\u2019m tired of him saying, \u2018You know, I\u2019m going to win this time.\u2019\u201d What do you say to <em>them<\/em>?\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> I\u2019m going to have a word for the husbands, and I\u2019m going to have a word for the wives.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Good.\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> First thing for the wives:\n\n\u201cRemember that Jesus is near and that you are <em>rightly<\/em> being grieved. It is wrong for your husband to sin against you in this way, so you don\u2019t need to feel <em>ashamed<\/em> that it hurt you; it makes sense that it hurt you. Now I think, \u2018In your anger,\u2019\u2014Ephesians would say\u2014\u2018do not sin [Ephesians 4:26]\u2019; so don\u2019t retaliate evil for evil. I think you want to pray and plead that God would:\n<ul>\n \t<li>A.) Help you to trust Him to believe that your husband\u2019s struggle with this sin is not about you; it\u2019s about his problem with Jesus. He looks at porn, not because you\u2019re dissatisfying; but because he\u2019s dissatisfied with Jesus. It\u2019s his fault. I think ask God to help you believe that that\u2019s true.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n \t<li>[B.] Ask God to help you to grieve appropriately. It is right for you to grieve that he\u2019s hurt you. But it\u2019s even more important to ask God to help you to learn to be grieved that he\u2019s hurt God. We, oftentimes, are so horizontal in this conversation that we forget that the one that we chiefly sinned against is God. Pray that your heart would be broken for his relationship with God, which I think will, over time, produce some compassion, which is necessary\u2014not a compassion in the sense of pity, like, \u2018Oh, it\u2019s okay,\u2019\u2014but like, \u2018Oh, I want his heart to be free; so he can know Jesus as he should.\u2019<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n \t<li>[C.] Then I think you want to help make sure that he\u2019s in the light. If he\u2019s just doing this, but not telling anybody, at some point, you need to tell him, \u2018I\u2019m going to need to go to talk to the pastor, because I need help.\u2019 That\u2019s the most loving thing, sometimes, you can do is to go and say, \u2018My husband needs help. Please call him out.\u2019\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\nThere\u2019s a lot more there, and I\u2019d be happy to talk about it.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s good though.\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> For the husbands:\n\n\u201cBrothers, what I would say is what you\u2019ve got to remember is your sin <em>always<\/em> affects others, and you\u2019ve got to understand that <em>you are hurting your wife<\/em>. You are tempting her to think that she\u2019s not enough.\n<ul>\n \t<li>\u201cYou\u2019ve got to know that all of those women, or men, or whatever it is that you are looking at on the internet, they\u2019re lying to you. They <em>don\u2019t<\/em> want you; they\u2019re <em>paid<\/em> to act like they want you, but they <em>don\u2019t<\/em> <em>want<\/em> you. What your heart is <em>really<\/em> looking for is Jesus. I forget who made the quote; but somebody said one time that: \u2018When a young man goes to the brothel, what he\u2019s really looking for is God.\u2019 What you\u2019re really looking for is God. God\u2019s the only One who can give you the affirmation that your soul is seeking; so you\u2019ve got to know that, chiefly, this is an issue with you and the Lord.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n \t<li>\u201cSecondly, you\u2019ve got to look at your wife and see: \u2018That\u2019s an image-bearer; and as she weeps, you\u2019re supposed to see that\u2019s how Jesus weeps. You\u2019re <em>grieving Him<\/em>; you\u2019re <em>sinning against God<\/em>. Feel the weight of that. Now, you could feel it and just feel ashamed and think, \u201cI just can\u2019t move.\u201d This is where the gospel comes for you. The good news is that Jesus can meet you in the midst of your mess and His arm is not too short to save. But you are too weak, brother; you are <em>too weak<\/em> to do it by yourself. You\u2019ve got to reach out: go to a trusted friend, who\u2019s godly; go to your pastor\/whomever it may be; if you are a pastor, call a fellow pastor and come into the light.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\nWhat I mean by come into the light is not like, \u2018Hey, I\u2019m kind of struggling.\u2019 I mean <em>tell the whole truth<\/em>. Jesus said, \u2018Cut off your hand; pluck out your eye [Matthew 5:29-30].\u2019 You\u2019ve got to do whatever it takes to make getting to sin <em>impossible<\/em>: so whatever that looks like for you.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Explain that because I don\u2019t want a listener, going, \u201cOh, I\u2019m going to gouge out my eye right now.\u201d\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> Yes, He\u2019s literally using a metaphor to teach you how <em>drastic<\/em> this is.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> Some of you need to get a different job, because of that person that you\u2019re working with, who\u2019s a temptation. Some of you need to get rid of the internet in your house, and you\u2019re just going to be out of touch. Some of you need to stop watching the show that everybody thinks is so amazing\u2014it\u2019s got a great storyline\u2014but it\u2019s filled with smut.\n\nAsk God to help you to see: \u201cHow is the sin getting in?\u201d; and you\u2019ve got to do whatever it takes to cut it out. I think you\u2019ve got to set yourself up in such a way that it\u2019s hard to sin and that you have help that abounds, both from those who are closest to you and, ultimately, from your God.\n\nThat\u2019s where, again, we just want to say: \u201cIt\u2019s God\u2019s providence\/His wise arranging of things that you\u2019ve tuned in at just this time to hear that there is help; and He has come to set you free. There\u2019s a way out, and Jesus will help you.\u201d\n\nListen, husbands and wives, if you feel like it\u2019s so fractured\u2014because you\u2019ve sinned against one another\u2014I want you to know: \u201cHe can heal it. It won\u2019t be easy; it may be a long road. Trust does get rebuilt.\u201d Husbands or wives, if you\u2019ve sinned against one another, and you\u2019re like, \u201cWell, I haven\u2019t looked at anything in two months,\u201d\u2014and there\u2019s still hurt\u2014realize that you\u2019ve <em>sinned<\/em> against them, and it\u2019s going to take time to rebuild. But you keep loving, keep seeking Jesus, and <em>He will help you. <\/em>\n\n<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Man, that is a great word.\n\nI know, when I was growing up, to try and find porn was\u2014you couldn\u2019t find it; you had to go to a store and buy it, so you didn\u2019t\u2014unless you stumbled upon it, you didn\u2019t. Today, as you just said, it\u2019s in our pocket\u2014it\u2019s so accessible\u2014so we have to, like you said, set up the barbed wire.\n\nMan, you modeled it so well\u2014the brothers that you have in your life\u2014by the way, everything you said about a man struggling could be to the woman or the wife struggling.\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> Oh, yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s the same thing; it\u2019s: \u201cJust apply it to yourself,\u201d if you\u2019re a wife.\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> I felt like I wanted a resource that I could hand to any man or woman\u2014anybody, who\u2019s married or unmarried; somebody, who\u2019s struggling with same-sex attraction or whatever it may be; or somebody, who\u2019s not struggling and wants to help somebody\u2014\u201cHere\u2019s a resource, that will meet you where you are, that will show you: \u2018Jesus is the answer,\u2019 and what that means practically to be able to be set free.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s great. I would say, \u201cGo to FamilyLife.com. If we can help you, we are here to help you.\u201d\n\nGarrett, thanks\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Thank you.\n\n<strong>Garrett:<\/strong> Thank you, guys. God bless you.\n\n<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Man, when I think about his topic, there are just so many people who wrestle with this kind of stuff, myself included. The conversation today has been gospel-centered gold, really. It\u2019s been helpful, practical, and encouraging because it shines the spotlight on Jesus; Jesus is the solution. Garrett Kell, along with Dave and Ann Wilson, have really highlighted that. We need the goodness and grace of Jesus in order to overcome sexual sin; and when we fail\u2014not <em>if<\/em>, but when we fail\u2014God extends to us grace and calls us into something more profound.\n\nIf you want to find a copy of Garrett Kell\u2019s book, <em>Pure in Heart<\/em>, you could head to our FamilyLife Resource Center at FamilyLifeToday.com to order a copy; or you could give us a call at 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY,\u201d to order a copy of Garrett\u2019s book, <em>Pure in Heart<\/em>.\n\nWhile you\u2019re there, all this week, when you make a donation to the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, we want to say, \u201cThank you\u201d; and by doing that, we want to send you a copy of Sharon Jaynes\u2019s book, <em>When You Don\u2019t Like Your Story<\/em>. Her question really is\/this over-arching question is: \u201cWhat if your worst chapters could become your greatest victories?\u201d As we\u2019ve been talking about sexual sin today, there\u2019s some pretty bad defeats there\/some bad chapters in our lives. This book helps us to discover that God can turn those things around, not only helping us to see victory, but also bringing glory to His name and drawing people to Himself. Again, that\u2019s our gift to you when you make a donation of any amount, all this week, at FamilyLifeToday.com; we\u2019ll send you a copy of Sharon Jaynes\u2019s book, <em>When You Don\u2019t Like Your Story<\/em>.\n\nIf this content today, or any of our FamilyLife programs have been helpful for you, we\u2019d love for you to share today\u2019s podcast with a family member or a friend. Wherever you get your podcasts, it could really advance the gospel effort of what we\u2019re doing at FamilyLife if you\u2019d scroll down and rate and review us.\n\nNow, tomorrow, Dave and Ann Wilson are going to be talking with Sharon Jaynes, the author of the book that we\u2019ve been offering as a thank-you gift to you when you make a donation to FamilyLife. She\u2019s written a book called <em>When You Don\u2019t Like Your Story: What If Your Worst Chapters Could Become Your Greatest Victories?<\/em> That\u2019s coming up tomorrow; we hope you can join us.\n\nOn behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife, a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry.\n\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2022 FamilyLife. 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