{"id":307417,"date":"2022-02-23T08:03:12","date_gmt":"2022-02-23T13:03:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/how-to-parent-when-youre-losing-it-or-your-kids-are\/"},"modified":"2022-02-23T08:03:12","modified_gmt":"2022-02-23T13:03:12","slug":"how-to-parent-when-youre-losing-it-or-your-kids-are","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/how-to-parent-when-youre-losing-it-or-your-kids-are\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Parent When You&#8217;re Losing It (&#8230;Or Your Kids Are)"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>How do you relate to your child when you don&#8217;t know what to do? On FamilyLife Today, authors Marcus Warner and Chris Coursey teach parents how to go from reactive to relational.<br \/>\nShow Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tIf you thought, &#8220;what do you mean you can\u2019t spoil a toddler?\u201d, find out more in this bonus content with Marcus and Chris Coursey..<br \/>\n \tFind resources from this podcast at shop.familylife.com.<br \/>\n \tFind more content and resources on the FamilyLife&#8217;s app!<br \/>\n \tHelp others find Familylife.\u00a0 Leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify.<br \/>\n \tCheck out all the Familylife&#8217;s on the FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Wondering how to parent when you&#8217;re losing your mind&#8211;or your child is blowing their top? Authors Marcus Warner and Chris Coursey show how to move from reactive parenting to relational connection.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2022-02-23.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:55","filesize":"25.56M","filesize_raw":"26806193","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2873,2843],"tags":[7041],"podcast_series":[8506],"cwp_profile":[9589,9588],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-307417","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-mental-and-emotional-issues","category-workaholism","tag-how-to-slow-down","podcast_series-4-habits-of-joy-filled-kids","cwp_profile-chris-coursey","cwp_profile-marcus-warner","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/307417\/how-to-parent-when-youre-losing-it-or-your-kids-are","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/307417\/how-to-parent-when-youre-losing-it-or-your-kids-are","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"YgOvz1fpz8\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/how-to-parent-when-youre-losing-it-or-your-kids-are\/\">How to Parent When You&#8217;re Losing It (&#8230;Or Your Kids Are)<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/how-to-parent-when-youre-losing-it-or-your-kids-are\/embed\/#?secret=YgOvz1fpz8\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;How to Parent When You&#8217;re Losing It (&#8230;Or Your Kids Are)&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"YgOvz1fpz8\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2022-02-23.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2022-02-23.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Chris:<\/strong> Teenaged years are very hard; so we encourage parents: \u201cStay relational. The best thing you could do is self-care and stay relational; that will go a long way: \u2018How do we stay anchored in the storms?\u2019 and \u2018How do we remember who <em>we are<\/em> so we can remind our teenagers who <em>they are<\/em>?\u2019\u201d\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>!\n\n<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Okay, let\u2019s talk teenage years\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Let\u2019s do!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014as a parent.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, no.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Do you remember those years?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I sure do!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That was like 15 years ago.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> They were some of my <em>favorite<\/em> years.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, I loved the teenage years.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And yet, they were some of my most <em>dreaded<\/em> mistakes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, our listeners have heard\/if they read our book, they know about you and the snow bank.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You don\u2019t need to tell the whole story, but it was a frustrating time.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay; we are with a bunch of our friends, and we are all at this big potluck. Somebody says, \u201cHey, somebody\u2019s going to pray.\u201d So this entire room is silent. There\u2019s probably 30 people; there\u2019s probably 20 kids.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014all from our church.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Suddenly, you hear someone say, \u201cThis food looks like poop.\u201d [Laughter] And that\u2019s our son. [Laughter] I give him the eye, like, \u201cOh, you are in so much trouble.\u201d That goes on; I\u2019m totally humiliated.\n\nLater, we\u2019re leaving. I say, \u201cHey, hon, could you walk your brother\/put your brother on your back\u201d\u2014because he didn\u2019t bring his shoes for some reason\u2014\u201cand take him out to the car?\u201d Then, again, the room\u2019s silent; but our son says, \u201cI have to do <em>everything<\/em> in thisfamily!\u201d\n\nSo now, I am following him out. He\u2019s carrying this son. Now, we\u2019re out of all the ears; so I say, \u201cYou are in so much trouble! That was <em>so<\/em> disrespectful; that was embarrassing!\u201d We get to the car. There\u2019s a snow bank. He\u2019s putting his little brother into the car, and I see this snow bank. This son is off balance, so I take my shoulder and I just nudge him; and he falls into the snow bank. I get into the car and I lock all the car doors.\n\nNow, the son is pounding on the door. My husband, the pastor, is coming into the car. He says, \u201cWhat\u2019s happening right now?\u201d So he finally gets in the car because I unlock it. I start crying, saying, \u201cI am the worst mom <em>ever<\/em>, and I will <em>never<\/em> talk about parenting ever again.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And here we are, talking about parenting with two dads who wrote a book about it; but also have studied brain science as it relates to marriage, and life, and faith, and now parenting.\n\nWelcome back to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. We\u2019ve got Marcus Warner and Chris Coursey with us. Thank you for being here.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> It\u2019s our pleasure.\n\n<strong>Chris:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We\u2019ve already talked about\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We <em>need<\/em> you guys so much.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We do\u2014not just us\u2014<em>every<\/em> parent needs you. This latest book, <em>The 4 Habits of Raising Joy-Filled Kids<\/em>\u2014remind us what the four habits are and then let\u2019s talk about: \u201cHow do you apply them to adult aged\/teenage-aged kids?\u201d\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> Absolutely; the four habits are \u201cA,\u201d \u201cB,\u201d \u201cC,\u201d \u201cD.\u201d You can think: \u201cA,\u201d \u201cB\u201d with the right side of the brain; \u201cC,\u201d \u201cD\u201d with the left side of the brain, dominantly. But it is:\n<ul>\n \t<li>\u201cAttune to their emotions\u201d: read their body language.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n \t<li>\u201cB\u201d is help them \u201cBounce back from their emotion.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n \t<li>\u201cC\u201d is \u201cCorrect with care.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n \t<li>\u201cD\u201d is \u201cDevelop discipline relationally.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> See, I did that perfectly with the snow bank.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, you did. [Laughter] Tell us what went wrong there.\n\n<strong>Marcus: <\/strong>Honestly, I\u2019m listening to the story, going, \u201cEvery parent\u201d\u2014right?\u2014\u201chas a story like this; because what it means is <em>my<\/em> emotional capacity got overwhelmed, and the switch in my brain, that controls whether or not I stay myself and act like myself, had gone off. You turned into a different person momentarily.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I <em>did<\/em> turn into a different person.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> Right; as soon as your switch came back on line, you were mortified; right?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> Because you\u2019re like, \u201cThat\u2019s not like me to do that.\u201d Now, your true self is having an argument with the false self that was up there a minute ago, going, \u201cWill the real me please stand up?\u201d It\u2019s confusing and it\u2019s shaming, and we\u2019ve all been there; right? We\u2019ve all had\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014which is interesting, too, because the enemy of our souls is saying, \u201cThat\u2019s your true self\u2014that person you just became\u2014that\u2019s who you are.\u201d And then God is saying, \u201cNo, it\u2019s not! That\u2019s not who I created you to be.\u201d\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> Exactly; too many of us identify ourselves by our malfunctions and not by who we are when we\u2019re living with joy. The identity center of the brain is the highest level of brain function; it\u2019s on the right side of the brain. Really, what we\u2019re talking about is: \u201cHow do I parent with my relational circuitry on, as opposed to parenting with my relational circuitry off? Because when my relational circuitry goes off, I do turn into a different person.\u201d\n\nThat\u2019s what our kids sense in us, like: \u201cWhich <em>Dad<\/em> am I talking to right now?\u201d\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; right.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s so true.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cWhich Mom am I talking to?\u201d What they\u2019re saying is: \u201cYou change,\u201d\u2014right?\u2014\u201cIf you\u2019re feeling this emotion, you don\u2019t act like you do when you\u2019re feeling that emotion,\u201d and \u201cI get scared of you when you\u2019re feeling this emotion, but I love being around you when you\u2019re in this one.\u201d\n\nWe all have those <em>holes<\/em>. That\u2019s part of what we\u2019re trying to do in growing our own maturity: is filling out those holes of the emotions that cause us to turn into somebody else.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Chris, how do we get the switch on?\n\n<strong>Chris: <\/strong>Yes; you know, there\u2019s a couple of things that we can do to get the switch back on. Marcus and I have an acrostic called \u201cCAKE.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I love all your acrostics: \u201cA, B, C, D,\u201d and then \u201cCAKE.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Dave is a total acrostic guy.\n\n<strong>Chris:<\/strong> We try to keep it easy here. The \u201cC\u201d is just for \u201cCuriosity.\u201d We can notice: \u201cAm I relational right now? Am I curious about what you\u2019re thinking?\u201d So curiosity is a very quick way to go: \u201cYou know, I\u2019m <em>not<\/em> curious right now; because I\u2019m really <em>mad<\/em> at you.\u201d That\u2019s a good sign I\u2019m not relational.\n\nThe \u201cA\u201d is just for \u201cAppreciation.\u201d \u201cCan I feel appreciation?\u201d Appreciation is just what we call \u201cpackaged joy.\u201d Can you think of something from your day that was good, and can you feel that? When our relational circuit is off, we can\u2019t feel appreciation; we\u2019re like, \u201cNo, I\u2019m just really <em>mad<\/em>.\u201d If you can take a moment, and just pause and catch your breath, and think about something that was good\u2014one of God\u2019s gifts to you\u2014that can actually help to get this relational circuit back on.\n\nThe \u201cK\u201d in \u201cCAKE\u201d is just \u201cKindness.\u201d \u201cDo I feel like being kind?\u201d\n\nThe \u201cE\u201d is \u201cEye contact.\u201d \u201cDo you have eye contact with your child or not?\u201d Okay, do you feel like looking your child in the eye right now? Again, when we\u2019re in non-relational mode\u2014what we call \u201cenemy mode\u201d\u2014the people I love feel like enemies instead of my son that I love.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> Let me say one thing about \u201cCAKE\u201d here; which is that, it\u2019s both a way to <em>assess<\/em> where I am: if I am <em>fit<\/em> to be having this conversation.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, that\u2019s good.\n\n<strong>Chris: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> Right? The point here is that, if I am walking out to the car, and I am feeling about my son\u2014no curiosity, no appreciation, no kindness, and the only eye contact I want to make with him is to stare him down\u2014then what it tells me is <em>I<\/em> have a problem. My problem is not my son; my problem is that half of my brain has shut down.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Just knowing that is <em>so good<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> Just knowing that is helpful; right? I\u2019m going, \u201cMy problem that I need to fix right now is I need to get the right side of my brain back online so that, whatever I say to my child, I act like myself when I do it.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So say <em>nothing<\/em> if you\u2019re at that\u2014\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> Yes; it\u2019s better at that point to say <em>nothing<\/em>\u2014and work on finding some curiosity, and finding some appreciation, and thinking of a way to do this with kindness\u2014and then engaging; right?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> We\u2019ve all got these moments, where, \u201cYes; that was not a joyful moment in my child.\u201d But the goal here is that: \u201cI knew\u201d\u2014and this is where kids know\u2014\u201cI know that my dad was happy to have me around,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s a joy bond. That means that you\u2019re going to have joy-filled kids when they know, instinctively, \u201cMy dad loves having me around.\u201d\n\nBut then they also learn: \u201cMy dad doesn\u2019t like having me around if I have this emotion,\u201d or \u201c\u2026this emotion,\u201d or \u201c\u2026this emotion,\u201d or \u201c\u2026this emotion.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, interesting.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> What happens is they form a fear bond with you when they have certain emotions and a joy bond with you when they don\u2019t.\n\nWhen I <em>don\u2019t<\/em> know what to do, my default setting is: \u201cValidate\u201d: \u201cI don\u2019t know what to do with you right now, so I need to attune\u2014try to read your body language\u2014and see if I can\u2019t validate your emotion\u201d; which means I don\u2019t have to agree that you should be feeling this way. I just have to recognize my son or my daughter, right now, is feeling a Level 10 sadness, and I don\u2019t know why. I don\u2019t think they should be feeling that sad, but they <em>are<\/em>.\n\nWhat I don\u2019t want to do is minimize it and go, \u201cIt\u2019s not that bad. You shouldn\u2019t be\u2026\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cYou have a lot to be thankful for.\u201d\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> Yes; right; exactly. \u201cStop being sad and start being thankful. Aren\u2019t you a good Christian?\u201d That\u2019s not going to be helpful there. What we need to do is meet them in their big sadness, like, \u201cYou are really sad right now; aren\u2019t you? Something is really, really bothering you.\u201d With the tone of my voice\u2014with the expression on my face\/with my words\u2014I want to let them know that I see them.\n\nIf I am accurate, then their reaction should be nodding: \u201cYes, that\u2019s right. That\u2019s what\u2019s going on.\u201d I can mess it up, too; I can say, \u201cWhy are you so angry?\u201d and they\u2019re not actually angry\u2014that\u2019s not going to work\u2014so validating has to be <em>accurate<\/em>. You are validating their right-brain emotion. What you are not validating is any narrative they are expressing or any beliefs that they are stating. In other words, you don\u2019t say [in response to], \u201cI feel like I\u2019m the biggest loser in the world.\u201d Well, you don\u2019t validate that by saying, \u201cWell, you know, you are the biggest loser in the world.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> You\u2019re reading: \u201cWhat\u2019s the emotion behind that?\u201d It\u2019s like, \u201cOh, you\u2019re feeling a tremendous amount of shame right now; aren\u2019t you? That\u2019s what this is.\u201d So you\u2019re walking them through that, and you validate their emotion.\n\nThen once you\u2019ve done a good job of validating, then you can move to comforting. With most parents, the mistake we make is we try to comfort kids, of all ages, without validating the emotion first. It sends an unmeant message\u2014we don\u2019t mean to send the message that\u2014\u201cI don\u2019t care about you; I just want you to get fixed.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cfor my sake.\u201d\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cfor my sake.\u201d Right; it feels like selfish parenting to the kid.\n\n<strong>Chris:<\/strong> It\u2019s helpful to know: for teenagers, the teenage brain is going through a house cleaning. What that means is there\u2019s a whole rewiring going on around puberty. So whatever skills were there, they will still be there after this house-cleaning process; but if they weren\u2019t there, they\u2019re going to be really harder to learn <em>after<\/em> the house cleaning.\n\nThat\u2019s why parents want to pull out their hair sometimes with teenagers, because there\u2019s hormones; there\u2019s emotions; everything is big; everything is loud; and it feels like everything is difficult. That\u2019s because the brain is very irritable during this house cleaning. Basically, the brain is saying, \u201cWhat we use, we\u2019ll keep; whatever we don\u2019t use, we\u2019re going to start getting rid of.\u201d\n\nTeenaged years are very hard. We encourage parents: \u201cStay relational. The best thing you could do is self-care and stay relational; that will go a long way: \u2018How do we stay anchored in the storms?\u2019 and \u2018How do we remember who <em>we are<\/em> so we can remind our teenagers who <em>they are<\/em>?\u201d\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> I found, too, that the biggest challenges we face in the teen years are emotions that they didn\u2019t learn how to bounce back from as children. In other words, when they get to be teenagers, they are now feeling really big emotions. As kids, we weren\u2019t able to remain relational with them and comfort them, and they didn\u2019t get that really solid foundation. Now, as teens, they feel <em>doubly<\/em> alone with this emotion.\n\nWhen I feel <em>alone<\/em> with an emotion, it\u2019s traumatizing to me\u2014when I feel like\u2014\u201cI feel so much shame right now, and I can\u2019t tell anybody. I\u2019m just going to hide; I\u2019m not going to let anybody know,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m so <em>mad<\/em> at the world and I\u2019m so angry, but my parents don\u2019t care.\u201d What happens is teenage years get especially hard because they\u2019re having <em>really big<\/em> emotions, with no expectations that those emotions are going to get validated, and that there\u2019s going to be any kind of connection to them other than a correction, like, \u201cStop having such big emotions. You\u2019re ruining my day.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Listeners right now of teenagers are saying, \u201cYes, yes, yes!\u201d\n\nI think what\u2019s hard, too, is because as parents are trying to build relationship, many times, the teen will push them away; and the parent will leave.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> In our parenting book, we said that, in the teenage years it\u2019s all about relationship. But a lot of parents are like: \u201cWhat\u2019s that look like?\u2014because they\u2019re pushing me away. They\u2019re actually flipping me sarcastic remarks, and acting like I\u2019m an idiot, and getting in their car\u2014because they now can\u2014and driving away. Yet, I\u2019m supposed to be pursuing having a relationship; but they don\u2019t want it.\u201d But do <em>they<\/em>?\n\n<strong>Marcus<\/strong>: Pursuing a relationship out of fear makes you a doormat; right?\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>What do you mean by that?\n\n<strong>Marcus<\/strong>: It\u2019s like if I\u2019m like: \u201cPlease don\u2019t run away from me. Please; we have to be in relationship. Please; I couldn\u2019t handle it emotionally if you don\u2019t like me.\u201d That turns me into a doormat. They perceive that; they pick up on it. They know they can walk all over us and get away with anything.\n\nWe haven\u2019t talked a whole lot about the \u201cC\u201d and the \u201cD\u201d; right?\u2014the \u201cCorrecting with care\u201d; the \u201cDeveloping discipline relationally\u201d\u2014but there is a: \u201cI have to be stubborn, as a parent, on things.\u201d I may lead with this\u2014I am meeting them in their emotion\u2014but it doesn\u2019t mean I\u2019m not going to correct. Especially with teens, what I would tell my kids a lot is: \u201cMy goal for you is I want you to be successful. What I mean by that is I want you to be a high achiever; I want you to have lots of friends,\u201d\u2014because friendship is really big in the teen years.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Marcus<\/strong>: \u201cI want you to have a lot of friends; I want you to be the sort of person that people like hanging out with. I want you to have a family of your own someday.\u201d I\u2019m casting this picture for them\/this vision of: \u201cI want you to have a successful life. The path you\u2019re on right now is not going to get you there.\u201d\n\nIt\u2019s like: \u201cWe\u2019ve got to make a correction here so there have to be some consequences right now for what you\u2019ve done,\u201d \u201c\u2026what you\u2019re doing,\u201d \u201c\u2026the attitude you\u2019re displaying and that you\u2019ve displayed. They\u2019re not going to be tolerated in this house; okay? We are putting down some boundaries.\u201d\n\nBut I have done the validating and the other things <em>first<\/em>. I have met them where they are in their emotions first; but now, I am correcting them, saying, \u201cThis is not going to keep happening this way.\u201d If you <em>only<\/em> have \u201cAttuning\u201d and \u201cBuilding bounce\u201d\u2014and you <em>never<\/em> get to \u201cCorrecting\u201d\u2014you just <em>spoil<\/em> your kids.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; is that true for the toddler too?\u2014or the child up to four years old or even later?\n\n<strong>Chris:<\/strong> We always tell parents: \u201cYou can\u2019t spoil babies or toddlers. They\u2019re in receiving mode.\u201d Ultimately, this is about the parent fear: \u201cWell, I\u2019m afraid, if I do this, my child is going to get spoiled.\u201d\n\nIn the book, Marcus and I really try to bring this home in bold letters as \u201cYOU CANNOT SPOIL AN INFANT.\u201d They are <em>receiving<\/em>. But you can be an example to help them better learn how to better manage what they feel; because they\u2019re going to take that training, and they\u2019ll use that every day of their life, especially when they get into the teenage years, where their brain is going through the big house cleaning. Ultimately: \u201cHow do we help people manage what they feel?\u201d and \u201cHow do I, as a parent, not be fearful?\u201d\n\nI help parents: \u201cWhat are your fears here with your teenager? What are you afraid is going to happen?\u201d\n<ul>\n \t<li>\u201cI\u2019m afraid my child is not going to like me.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n \t<li>\u201cI\u2019m afraid they\u2019re going to be mad at me.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\u201cOkay, those are valid fears. Now, how do you stay your relational self? How would you navigate this without that fear?\u201d It really helps to identify: \u201cWhat are the fears that are driving this bus? Let\u2019s acknowledge them; let\u2019s give them to Jesus.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Let\u2019s give an example: \u201cMy son or daughter is depressed. I feel like they\u2019re suicidal. My <em>fear<\/em> is they\u2019re going to take their life.\u201d\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s a very big\/it doesn\u2019t get much more extreme than that.\n\n<strong>Chris:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> There are a lot of steps to get there first. But secondly, once you are there, what you want to let them know is: \u201cI\u2019m here for you all the way: whatever is going on; no matter how dark this gets.\u201d\n\nOne of the mistakes, especially Christians tend to make when it comes to hopelessness, is that we want to cut it off and inject hope instead of allowing people to fully express the level of hopelessness they\u2019re in.\n\nI\u2019ll tell you a story to illustrate: Dr. Wilder was telling me he often gets asked to sit in on the hardest client. He\u2019s in, as a guest, and somebody is like, \u201cThis person is really depressed. They could really use some hope; please inject some hope into them.\u201d\n\nThe person says, \u201cWell, you know, sometimes at night I just wish I wasn\u2019t here.\u201d He looked at them and said, \u201cYou know, I bet it even gets worse than that; doesn\u2019t it?\u201d\n\n[Laughter]\n\nThe person looked around, like, \u201cUm, yes; it does. Its gets <em>darker<\/em> than that.\u201d They went on to express that: \u201cSometimes, I think about killing myself and doing this stuff.\u201d He said, \u201cYou know what? And sometimes, it gets even <em>darker<\/em> than that; doesn\u2019t it?\u201d\n\nThey\u2019re like, \u201cYes, sometimes, I\u2019ve even thought about this\u2026\u201d But nobody has ever let them fully get into the darkest place\u2014\n\n<strong>Chris:<\/strong> \u2014to feel what they need to feel.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> \u2014to feel what they need to feel and know that \u201cSomebody is still happy to be with me in my <em>darkness<\/em>.\u201d\n\n<strong>Chris: <\/strong>It\u2019s kind of like Job\u2019s friends. They did a really good job sitting with him for those days when they just sat there. But the moment they started to try to explain it or justify it\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014or fix him.\n\n<strong>Chris:<\/strong> \u201cWhat miserable comforters you are!\u201d Job said [Job 16:2]. If only they could have stayed silent.\n\nIn a sense, sometimes, people just need to feel seen, heard, and understood. I need to be able to feel my hopelessness. If I am sitting with my friend, who is hopeless\u2014if my brain knows how to get back to relational, glad-to-be-together joy\u2014I am not afraid to go to that level of hopelessness, because I\u2019ve been there before; I know how to get <em>back<\/em>.\n\nIf I <em>don\u2019t<\/em>, then I will try to stop it\u2014I\u2019ll minimize it; I\u2019ll try to put the fire out\u2014and then the person is going to feel misunderstood, because I\u2019m trying to fix it or I\u2019m trying to short change it.\n\nIt\u2019s very good, especially for parents, to know your children, ultimately, have to learn how to manage what they feel; which means, as parents, <em>we have to learn<\/em> how to manage what we feel.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> There\u2019s a time to getting professionals involved; so we\u2019re not trying to say, \u201cThis is a replacement for that.\u201d\n\n<strong>Chris:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> But it\u2019s like, if you\u2019re getting professional help in there\u2014your job, as a parent: \u201cWhat is it I\u2019m supposed to be doing?\u201d\u2014part of this is to let them know: \u201cI am happy to be with you no matter how dark things get for you; that you\u2019re not alone.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> What I\u2019m hearing you say, too, is that feeling that our kids, or even our spouse, gets that: \u201c<em>They<\/em> want to be with me. <em>They<\/em> are excited that I\u2019m here,\u201d\u2014no matter what age, or even a spouse\u2014<em>that<\/em> is really <em>key<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Chris:<\/strong> You know, at the end of the day, our children need to know they\u2019re not alone. Whatever we can do, as parents\u2014to remind and show our children: \u201cYou\u2019re not alone,\u201d\u2014that will go a long way. Because a lot of times, as parents, we feel like we have to have all the answers; we have to fix this; we have to put the fire out. As we learn to manage what <em>we<\/em> feel, we\u2019re showing our children and demonstrating: \u201cThis is the kind of people we are.\u201d\n\nI love how Jesus wept when He came upon the grieving community for Lazarus. Jesus knew what He was going to do, but He wept; He shared. He didn\u2019t tell them, \u201cHey, there\u2019s no need to be sad! You don\u2019t have to\u2026\u201d He actually entered in and <em>shared<\/em> the communal grief.\n\nThat\u2019s just so helpful for parents to hold onto. Look, you don\u2019t have to have every right answer; but just get good at just being with your children and letting them know they are loved: \u201cI\u2019m glad to be with you. Even in this <em>mess<\/em>, I\u2019m glad I can be with you and walk you through that.\u201d That is life-changing.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That is such a great word for parents of any age child. You said, \u201cYour child is longing to look at your face and see that you are happy that they are your child.\u201d I think that doesn\u2019t change when they\u2019re a teenager\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014or adults.\n\n<strong>Chris:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It just doesn\u2019t change. They want to know: \u201cAre you still <em>pleased<\/em> that I\u2019m your child?\u201d When they feel and sense that from us, even when we\u2019re disciplining them, they feel secure.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> That\u2019s it.\n\n<strong>Chris: <\/strong>They\u2019ll use that for the rest of their lives, that: \u201cNo matter what happens here, I am loved. I belong; I\u2019m going to be alright, no matter <em>what<\/em>.\u201d\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> That\u2019s what we mean by joy-filled.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> And the goal here is to start a joy revolution; right? We live in a very low-joy culture. We live in a very low-joy church, for the most part. A lot of us were raised in low-joy families. What we\u2019re really after here is: \u201cIf we\u2019re going to start a joy revolution in the culture, it\u2019s got to start with the families; and where better than the Christian families?\u201d; right?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We know the answer.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We know the end of the story.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> I find that, so often, Christian families have been so focused on behavior: that they\u2019ve been focusing on making sure their kids behave like Christians. I look back\u2014God created us to be part of <em>His<\/em> family\u2014what does He want for <em>His<\/em> family? He wants us all to love each other, to love Him, and for there to be joy\u2014to be fulfilled\u2014for our joy to be complete. It\u2019s all going back to that: \u201cHow do we fulfill God\u2019s original intention for creating humans in the first place?\u201d \u201cYou want a joy-filled family.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> When He sees us, there\u2019s a smile. Our sons and daughters should feel the same thing from us.\n\nThank you guys; this has been <em>awesome<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014so good.\n\n<strong>Chris:<\/strong> Thank you; it\u2019s been so good.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What do you think your kids would say if, at dinner tonight, you asked the question: \u201cDo you think we\u2019re a joy-filled family? I mean, for the most part\u2014not all the time\u2014nobody is all the time. But do you think that, for the most part, our family is joy-filled?\u201d\n<ul>\n \t<li>If they said, \u201cYes.\u201d It would be a good follow-up to say, \u201cWhat is it that produces joy in our family? What makes us joy-filled?\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n \t<li>If they said, \u201cNo,\u201d then ask the question: \u201cWhat do you think it would take for us to be a joy-filled family?\u201d And get ready for those answers.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\nMaybe get a copy of the book we\u2019ve been talking about this week that Marcus Warner and Chris Coursey have written called <em>The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Kids<\/em>. It\u2019s a book we\u2019ve got in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. In fact, we\u2019ve been sending this book out all week to those of you who can help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\nThis program every day\u2014this podcast, if you\u2019re listening to it as a podcast\u2014is all possible because listeners, like you, make it possible. <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> would not exist if it weren\u2019t for friends of the ministry\/donors, who step forward and say, \u201cThis is important to me and my family. We think it\u2019s important for our culture and our community, and we want to help <em>expand<\/em> the outreach of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u201d Thanks to those of you who have given in the past.\n\nIf you can give today to support our mission to effectively develop godly marriages and families, who change the world one home at a time, go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, to make a donation; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY, and make a donation online. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-358-6329; 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d Ask for your copy of the book, <em>The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Kids<\/em>, when you make your donation.\n\nNow, Dave and Ann Wilson had the opportunity to continue their conversation with Marcus Warner and Chris Coursey, talking about whether it\u2019s really impossible to spoil a toddler. It\u2019s one of the things that came up this week. They also talked about the difference between empathy and sympathy, just lots more about how we create joy-filled kids. That conversation is available on the <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> app. If you\u2019ve not already downloaded the FamilyLife app, go to the app store for your device and just type in \u201cFamilyLife\u201d as one word; download the app, and you\u2019ll have access to this additional bonus content with Chris Coursey and Marcus Warner. If you\u2019ve already got the app, it should be right there, available to you; and you can listen to more on this subject with Dave and Ann Wilson.\n\nNow, tomorrow, we want to talk about the importance\/the value of boundaries. A lot of times, we think boundaries constrain us or constrict us. Well, Ashley Hales joins us tomorrow to talk about how appropriate boundaries can actually open things up for you in life. We\u2019re going to talk about what it looks like to lead a spacious life tomorrow. I hope you can join us for that.\n\nOn behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife, a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry.\n\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2022 FamilyLife. 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});\";s:18:\"current_block_list\";a:17:{i:0;s:14:\"uagb\/container\";i:1;s:12:\"core\/heading\";i:2;s:9:\"core\/html\";i:3;s:10:\"core\/group\";i:6;s:21:\"uagb\/advanced-heading\";i:7;s:14:\"uagb\/separator\";i:8;s:14:\"uagb\/icon-list\";i:9;s:20:\"uagb\/icon-list-child\";i:10;s:11:\"core\/search\";i:13;s:18:\"core\/legacy-widget\";i:16;s:10:\"uagb\/image\";i:17;s:17:\"core\/social-links\";i:18;s:16:\"core\/social-link\";i:19;s:14:\"core\/paragraph\";i:20;s:30:\"meta-box\/fl-conditional-blocks\";i:21;s:12:\"uagb\/buttons\";i:22;s:18:\"uagb\/buttons-child\";}s:8:\"uag_flag\";b:1;s:11:\"uag_version\";i:1776513801;s:6:\"gfonts\";a:1:{s:7:\"Default\";a:2:{s:10:\"fontfamily\";s:7:\"Default\";s:12:\"fontvariants\";a:0:{}}}s:10:\"gfonts_url\";s:71:\"\/\/fonts.googleapis.com\/css?family=Default&subset=latin&display=fallback\";s:12:\"gfonts_files\";a:0:{}s:14:\"uag_faq_layout\";b:0;}"]},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Wondering how to parent when you're losing your mind--or your child is blowing their top? Authors Marcus Warner and Chris Coursey show how to move from reactive parenting to relational connection.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2022-02-23.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Chris:<\/strong> Teenaged years are very hard; so we encourage parents: \u201cStay relational. The best thing you could do is self-care and stay relational; that will go a long way: \u2018How do we stay anchored in the storms?\u2019 and \u2018How do we remember who <em>we are<\/em> so we can remind our teenagers who <em>they are<\/em>?\u2019\u201d\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>!\n\n<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Okay, let\u2019s talk teenage years\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Let\u2019s do!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014as a parent.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, no.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Do you remember those years?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I sure do!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That was like 15 years ago.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> They were some of my <em>favorite<\/em> years.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, I loved the teenage years.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And yet, they were some of my most <em>dreaded<\/em> mistakes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, our listeners have heard\/if they read our book, they know about you and the snow bank.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You don\u2019t need to tell the whole story, but it was a frustrating time.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay; we are with a bunch of our friends, and we are all at this big potluck. Somebody says, \u201cHey, somebody\u2019s going to pray.\u201d So this entire room is silent. There\u2019s probably 30 people; there\u2019s probably 20 kids.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014all from our church.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Suddenly, you hear someone say, \u201cThis food looks like poop.\u201d [Laughter] And that\u2019s our son. [Laughter] I give him the eye, like, \u201cOh, you are in so much trouble.\u201d That goes on; I\u2019m totally humiliated.\n\nLater, we\u2019re leaving. I say, \u201cHey, hon, could you walk your brother\/put your brother on your back\u201d\u2014because he didn\u2019t bring his shoes for some reason\u2014\u201cand take him out to the car?\u201d Then, again, the room\u2019s silent; but our son says, \u201cI have to do <em>everything<\/em> in thisfamily!\u201d\n\nSo now, I am following him out. He\u2019s carrying this son. Now, we\u2019re out of all the ears; so I say, \u201cYou are in so much trouble! That was <em>so<\/em> disrespectful; that was embarrassing!\u201d We get to the car. There\u2019s a snow bank. He\u2019s putting his little brother into the car, and I see this snow bank. This son is off balance, so I take my shoulder and I just nudge him; and he falls into the snow bank. I get into the car and I lock all the car doors.\n\nNow, the son is pounding on the door. My husband, the pastor, is coming into the car. He says, \u201cWhat\u2019s happening right now?\u201d So he finally gets in the car because I unlock it. I start crying, saying, \u201cI am the worst mom <em>ever<\/em>, and I will <em>never<\/em> talk about parenting ever again.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And here we are, talking about parenting with two dads who wrote a book about it; but also have studied brain science as it relates to marriage, and life, and faith, and now parenting.\n\nWelcome back to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. We\u2019ve got Marcus Warner and Chris Coursey with us. Thank you for being here.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> It\u2019s our pleasure.\n\n<strong>Chris:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We\u2019ve already talked about\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We <em>need<\/em> you guys so much.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We do\u2014not just us\u2014<em>every<\/em> parent needs you. This latest book, <em>The 4 Habits of Raising Joy-Filled Kids<\/em>\u2014remind us what the four habits are and then let\u2019s talk about: \u201cHow do you apply them to adult aged\/teenage-aged kids?\u201d\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> Absolutely; the four habits are \u201cA,\u201d \u201cB,\u201d \u201cC,\u201d \u201cD.\u201d You can think: \u201cA,\u201d \u201cB\u201d with the right side of the brain; \u201cC,\u201d \u201cD\u201d with the left side of the brain, dominantly. But it is:\n<ul>\n \t<li>\u201cAttune to their emotions\u201d: read their body language.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n \t<li>\u201cB\u201d is help them \u201cBounce back from their emotion.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n \t<li>\u201cC\u201d is \u201cCorrect with care.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n \t<li>\u201cD\u201d is \u201cDevelop discipline relationally.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> See, I did that perfectly with the snow bank.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, you did. [Laughter] Tell us what went wrong there.\n\n<strong>Marcus: <\/strong>Honestly, I\u2019m listening to the story, going, \u201cEvery parent\u201d\u2014right?\u2014\u201chas a story like this; because what it means is <em>my<\/em> emotional capacity got overwhelmed, and the switch in my brain, that controls whether or not I stay myself and act like myself, had gone off. You turned into a different person momentarily.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I <em>did<\/em> turn into a different person.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> Right; as soon as your switch came back on line, you were mortified; right?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> Because you\u2019re like, \u201cThat\u2019s not like me to do that.\u201d Now, your true self is having an argument with the false self that was up there a minute ago, going, \u201cWill the real me please stand up?\u201d It\u2019s confusing and it\u2019s shaming, and we\u2019ve all been there; right? We\u2019ve all had\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014which is interesting, too, because the enemy of our souls is saying, \u201cThat\u2019s your true self\u2014that person you just became\u2014that\u2019s who you are.\u201d And then God is saying, \u201cNo, it\u2019s not! That\u2019s not who I created you to be.\u201d\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> Exactly; too many of us identify ourselves by our malfunctions and not by who we are when we\u2019re living with joy. The identity center of the brain is the highest level of brain function; it\u2019s on the right side of the brain. Really, what we\u2019re talking about is: \u201cHow do I parent with my relational circuitry on, as opposed to parenting with my relational circuitry off? Because when my relational circuitry goes off, I do turn into a different person.\u201d\n\nThat\u2019s what our kids sense in us, like: \u201cWhich <em>Dad<\/em> am I talking to right now?\u201d\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; right.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s so true.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cWhich Mom am I talking to?\u201d What they\u2019re saying is: \u201cYou change,\u201d\u2014right?\u2014\u201cIf you\u2019re feeling this emotion, you don\u2019t act like you do when you\u2019re feeling that emotion,\u201d and \u201cI get scared of you when you\u2019re feeling this emotion, but I love being around you when you\u2019re in this one.\u201d\n\nWe all have those <em>holes<\/em>. That\u2019s part of what we\u2019re trying to do in growing our own maturity: is filling out those holes of the emotions that cause us to turn into somebody else.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Chris, how do we get the switch on?\n\n<strong>Chris: <\/strong>Yes; you know, there\u2019s a couple of things that we can do to get the switch back on. Marcus and I have an acrostic called \u201cCAKE.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I love all your acrostics: \u201cA, B, C, D,\u201d and then \u201cCAKE.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Dave is a total acrostic guy.\n\n<strong>Chris:<\/strong> We try to keep it easy here. The \u201cC\u201d is just for \u201cCuriosity.\u201d We can notice: \u201cAm I relational right now? Am I curious about what you\u2019re thinking?\u201d So curiosity is a very quick way to go: \u201cYou know, I\u2019m <em>not<\/em> curious right now; because I\u2019m really <em>mad<\/em> at you.\u201d That\u2019s a good sign I\u2019m not relational.\n\nThe \u201cA\u201d is just for \u201cAppreciation.\u201d \u201cCan I feel appreciation?\u201d Appreciation is just what we call \u201cpackaged joy.\u201d Can you think of something from your day that was good, and can you feel that? When our relational circuit is off, we can\u2019t feel appreciation; we\u2019re like, \u201cNo, I\u2019m just really <em>mad<\/em>.\u201d If you can take a moment, and just pause and catch your breath, and think about something that was good\u2014one of God\u2019s gifts to you\u2014that can actually help to get this relational circuit back on.\n\nThe \u201cK\u201d in \u201cCAKE\u201d is just \u201cKindness.\u201d \u201cDo I feel like being kind?\u201d\n\nThe \u201cE\u201d is \u201cEye contact.\u201d \u201cDo you have eye contact with your child or not?\u201d Okay, do you feel like looking your child in the eye right now? Again, when we\u2019re in non-relational mode\u2014what we call \u201cenemy mode\u201d\u2014the people I love feel like enemies instead of my son that I love.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> Let me say one thing about \u201cCAKE\u201d here; which is that, it\u2019s both a way to <em>assess<\/em> where I am: if I am <em>fit<\/em> to be having this conversation.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, that\u2019s good.\n\n<strong>Chris: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> Right? The point here is that, if I am walking out to the car, and I am feeling about my son\u2014no curiosity, no appreciation, no kindness, and the only eye contact I want to make with him is to stare him down\u2014then what it tells me is <em>I<\/em> have a problem. My problem is not my son; my problem is that half of my brain has shut down.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Just knowing that is <em>so good<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> Just knowing that is helpful; right? I\u2019m going, \u201cMy problem that I need to fix right now is I need to get the right side of my brain back online so that, whatever I say to my child, I act like myself when I do it.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So say <em>nothing<\/em> if you\u2019re at that\u2014\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> Yes; it\u2019s better at that point to say <em>nothing<\/em>\u2014and work on finding some curiosity, and finding some appreciation, and thinking of a way to do this with kindness\u2014and then engaging; right?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> We\u2019ve all got these moments, where, \u201cYes; that was not a joyful moment in my child.\u201d But the goal here is that: \u201cI knew\u201d\u2014and this is where kids know\u2014\u201cI know that my dad was happy to have me around,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s a joy bond. That means that you\u2019re going to have joy-filled kids when they know, instinctively, \u201cMy dad loves having me around.\u201d\n\nBut then they also learn: \u201cMy dad doesn\u2019t like having me around if I have this emotion,\u201d or \u201c\u2026this emotion,\u201d or \u201c\u2026this emotion,\u201d or \u201c\u2026this emotion.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, interesting.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> What happens is they form a fear bond with you when they have certain emotions and a joy bond with you when they don\u2019t.\n\nWhen I <em>don\u2019t<\/em> know what to do, my default setting is: \u201cValidate\u201d: \u201cI don\u2019t know what to do with you right now, so I need to attune\u2014try to read your body language\u2014and see if I can\u2019t validate your emotion\u201d; which means I don\u2019t have to agree that you should be feeling this way. I just have to recognize my son or my daughter, right now, is feeling a Level 10 sadness, and I don\u2019t know why. I don\u2019t think they should be feeling that sad, but they <em>are<\/em>.\n\nWhat I don\u2019t want to do is minimize it and go, \u201cIt\u2019s not that bad. You shouldn\u2019t be\u2026\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cYou have a lot to be thankful for.\u201d\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> Yes; right; exactly. \u201cStop being sad and start being thankful. Aren\u2019t you a good Christian?\u201d That\u2019s not going to be helpful there. What we need to do is meet them in their big sadness, like, \u201cYou are really sad right now; aren\u2019t you? Something is really, really bothering you.\u201d With the tone of my voice\u2014with the expression on my face\/with my words\u2014I want to let them know that I see them.\n\nIf I am accurate, then their reaction should be nodding: \u201cYes, that\u2019s right. That\u2019s what\u2019s going on.\u201d I can mess it up, too; I can say, \u201cWhy are you so angry?\u201d and they\u2019re not actually angry\u2014that\u2019s not going to work\u2014so validating has to be <em>accurate<\/em>. You are validating their right-brain emotion. What you are not validating is any narrative they are expressing or any beliefs that they are stating. In other words, you don\u2019t say [in response to], \u201cI feel like I\u2019m the biggest loser in the world.\u201d Well, you don\u2019t validate that by saying, \u201cWell, you know, you are the biggest loser in the world.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> You\u2019re reading: \u201cWhat\u2019s the emotion behind that?\u201d It\u2019s like, \u201cOh, you\u2019re feeling a tremendous amount of shame right now; aren\u2019t you? That\u2019s what this is.\u201d So you\u2019re walking them through that, and you validate their emotion.\n\nThen once you\u2019ve done a good job of validating, then you can move to comforting. With most parents, the mistake we make is we try to comfort kids, of all ages, without validating the emotion first. It sends an unmeant message\u2014we don\u2019t mean to send the message that\u2014\u201cI don\u2019t care about you; I just want you to get fixed.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cfor my sake.\u201d\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cfor my sake.\u201d Right; it feels like selfish parenting to the kid.\n\n<strong>Chris:<\/strong> It\u2019s helpful to know: for teenagers, the teenage brain is going through a house cleaning. What that means is there\u2019s a whole rewiring going on around puberty. So whatever skills were there, they will still be there after this house-cleaning process; but if they weren\u2019t there, they\u2019re going to be really harder to learn <em>after<\/em> the house cleaning.\n\nThat\u2019s why parents want to pull out their hair sometimes with teenagers, because there\u2019s hormones; there\u2019s emotions; everything is big; everything is loud; and it feels like everything is difficult. That\u2019s because the brain is very irritable during this house cleaning. Basically, the brain is saying, \u201cWhat we use, we\u2019ll keep; whatever we don\u2019t use, we\u2019re going to start getting rid of.\u201d\n\nTeenaged years are very hard. We encourage parents: \u201cStay relational. The best thing you could do is self-care and stay relational; that will go a long way: \u2018How do we stay anchored in the storms?\u2019 and \u2018How do we remember who <em>we are<\/em> so we can remind our teenagers who <em>they are<\/em>?\u201d\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> I found, too, that the biggest challenges we face in the teen years are emotions that they didn\u2019t learn how to bounce back from as children. In other words, when they get to be teenagers, they are now feeling really big emotions. As kids, we weren\u2019t able to remain relational with them and comfort them, and they didn\u2019t get that really solid foundation. Now, as teens, they feel <em>doubly<\/em> alone with this emotion.\n\nWhen I feel <em>alone<\/em> with an emotion, it\u2019s traumatizing to me\u2014when I feel like\u2014\u201cI feel so much shame right now, and I can\u2019t tell anybody. I\u2019m just going to hide; I\u2019m not going to let anybody know,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m so <em>mad<\/em> at the world and I\u2019m so angry, but my parents don\u2019t care.\u201d What happens is teenage years get especially hard because they\u2019re having <em>really big<\/em> emotions, with no expectations that those emotions are going to get validated, and that there\u2019s going to be any kind of connection to them other than a correction, like, \u201cStop having such big emotions. You\u2019re ruining my day.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Listeners right now of teenagers are saying, \u201cYes, yes, yes!\u201d\n\nI think what\u2019s hard, too, is because as parents are trying to build relationship, many times, the teen will push them away; and the parent will leave.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> In our parenting book, we said that, in the teenage years it\u2019s all about relationship. But a lot of parents are like: \u201cWhat\u2019s that look like?\u2014because they\u2019re pushing me away. They\u2019re actually flipping me sarcastic remarks, and acting like I\u2019m an idiot, and getting in their car\u2014because they now can\u2014and driving away. Yet, I\u2019m supposed to be pursuing having a relationship; but they don\u2019t want it.\u201d But do <em>they<\/em>?\n\n<strong>Marcus<\/strong>: Pursuing a relationship out of fear makes you a doormat; right?\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>What do you mean by that?\n\n<strong>Marcus<\/strong>: It\u2019s like if I\u2019m like: \u201cPlease don\u2019t run away from me. Please; we have to be in relationship. Please; I couldn\u2019t handle it emotionally if you don\u2019t like me.\u201d That turns me into a doormat. They perceive that; they pick up on it. They know they can walk all over us and get away with anything.\n\nWe haven\u2019t talked a whole lot about the \u201cC\u201d and the \u201cD\u201d; right?\u2014the \u201cCorrecting with care\u201d; the \u201cDeveloping discipline relationally\u201d\u2014but there is a: \u201cI have to be stubborn, as a parent, on things.\u201d I may lead with this\u2014I am meeting them in their emotion\u2014but it doesn\u2019t mean I\u2019m not going to correct. Especially with teens, what I would tell my kids a lot is: \u201cMy goal for you is I want you to be successful. What I mean by that is I want you to be a high achiever; I want you to have lots of friends,\u201d\u2014because friendship is really big in the teen years.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Marcus<\/strong>: \u201cI want you to have a lot of friends; I want you to be the sort of person that people like hanging out with. I want you to have a family of your own someday.\u201d I\u2019m casting this picture for them\/this vision of: \u201cI want you to have a successful life. The path you\u2019re on right now is not going to get you there.\u201d\n\nIt\u2019s like: \u201cWe\u2019ve got to make a correction here so there have to be some consequences right now for what you\u2019ve done,\u201d \u201c\u2026what you\u2019re doing,\u201d \u201c\u2026the attitude you\u2019re displaying and that you\u2019ve displayed. They\u2019re not going to be tolerated in this house; okay? We are putting down some boundaries.\u201d\n\nBut I have done the validating and the other things <em>first<\/em>. I have met them where they are in their emotions first; but now, I am correcting them, saying, \u201cThis is not going to keep happening this way.\u201d If you <em>only<\/em> have \u201cAttuning\u201d and \u201cBuilding bounce\u201d\u2014and you <em>never<\/em> get to \u201cCorrecting\u201d\u2014you just <em>spoil<\/em> your kids.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; is that true for the toddler too?\u2014or the child up to four years old or even later?\n\n<strong>Chris:<\/strong> We always tell parents: \u201cYou can\u2019t spoil babies or toddlers. They\u2019re in receiving mode.\u201d Ultimately, this is about the parent fear: \u201cWell, I\u2019m afraid, if I do this, my child is going to get spoiled.\u201d\n\nIn the book, Marcus and I really try to bring this home in bold letters as \u201cYOU CANNOT SPOIL AN INFANT.\u201d They are <em>receiving<\/em>. But you can be an example to help them better learn how to better manage what they feel; because they\u2019re going to take that training, and they\u2019ll use that every day of their life, especially when they get into the teenage years, where their brain is going through the big house cleaning. Ultimately: \u201cHow do we help people manage what they feel?\u201d and \u201cHow do I, as a parent, not be fearful?\u201d\n\nI help parents: \u201cWhat are your fears here with your teenager? What are you afraid is going to happen?\u201d\n<ul>\n \t<li>\u201cI\u2019m afraid my child is not going to like me.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n \t<li>\u201cI\u2019m afraid they\u2019re going to be mad at me.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\u201cOkay, those are valid fears. Now, how do you stay your relational self? How would you navigate this without that fear?\u201d It really helps to identify: \u201cWhat are the fears that are driving this bus? Let\u2019s acknowledge them; let\u2019s give them to Jesus.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Let\u2019s give an example: \u201cMy son or daughter is depressed. I feel like they\u2019re suicidal. My <em>fear<\/em> is they\u2019re going to take their life.\u201d\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s a very big\/it doesn\u2019t get much more extreme than that.\n\n<strong>Chris:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> There are a lot of steps to get there first. But secondly, once you are there, what you want to let them know is: \u201cI\u2019m here for you all the way: whatever is going on; no matter how dark this gets.\u201d\n\nOne of the mistakes, especially Christians tend to make when it comes to hopelessness, is that we want to cut it off and inject hope instead of allowing people to fully express the level of hopelessness they\u2019re in.\n\nI\u2019ll tell you a story to illustrate: Dr. Wilder was telling me he often gets asked to sit in on the hardest client. He\u2019s in, as a guest, and somebody is like, \u201cThis person is really depressed. They could really use some hope; please inject some hope into them.\u201d\n\nThe person says, \u201cWell, you know, sometimes at night I just wish I wasn\u2019t here.\u201d He looked at them and said, \u201cYou know, I bet it even gets worse than that; doesn\u2019t it?\u201d\n\n[Laughter]\n\nThe person looked around, like, \u201cUm, yes; it does. Its gets <em>darker<\/em> than that.\u201d They went on to express that: \u201cSometimes, I think about killing myself and doing this stuff.\u201d He said, \u201cYou know what? And sometimes, it gets even <em>darker<\/em> than that; doesn\u2019t it?\u201d\n\nThey\u2019re like, \u201cYes, sometimes, I\u2019ve even thought about this\u2026\u201d But nobody has ever let them fully get into the darkest place\u2014\n\n<strong>Chris:<\/strong> \u2014to feel what they need to feel.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> \u2014to feel what they need to feel and know that \u201cSomebody is still happy to be with me in my <em>darkness<\/em>.\u201d\n\n<strong>Chris: <\/strong>It\u2019s kind of like Job\u2019s friends. They did a really good job sitting with him for those days when they just sat there. But the moment they started to try to explain it or justify it\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014or fix him.\n\n<strong>Chris:<\/strong> \u201cWhat miserable comforters you are!\u201d Job said [Job 16:2]. If only they could have stayed silent.\n\nIn a sense, sometimes, people just need to feel seen, heard, and understood. I need to be able to feel my hopelessness. If I am sitting with my friend, who is hopeless\u2014if my brain knows how to get back to relational, glad-to-be-together joy\u2014I am not afraid to go to that level of hopelessness, because I\u2019ve been there before; I know how to get <em>back<\/em>.\n\nIf I <em>don\u2019t<\/em>, then I will try to stop it\u2014I\u2019ll minimize it; I\u2019ll try to put the fire out\u2014and then the person is going to feel misunderstood, because I\u2019m trying to fix it or I\u2019m trying to short change it.\n\nIt\u2019s very good, especially for parents, to know your children, ultimately, have to learn how to manage what they feel; which means, as parents, <em>we have to learn<\/em> how to manage what we feel.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> There\u2019s a time to getting professionals involved; so we\u2019re not trying to say, \u201cThis is a replacement for that.\u201d\n\n<strong>Chris:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> But it\u2019s like, if you\u2019re getting professional help in there\u2014your job, as a parent: \u201cWhat is it I\u2019m supposed to be doing?\u201d\u2014part of this is to let them know: \u201cI am happy to be with you no matter how dark things get for you; that you\u2019re not alone.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> What I\u2019m hearing you say, too, is that feeling that our kids, or even our spouse, gets that: \u201c<em>They<\/em> want to be with me. <em>They<\/em> are excited that I\u2019m here,\u201d\u2014no matter what age, or even a spouse\u2014<em>that<\/em> is really <em>key<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Chris:<\/strong> You know, at the end of the day, our children need to know they\u2019re not alone. Whatever we can do, as parents\u2014to remind and show our children: \u201cYou\u2019re not alone,\u201d\u2014that will go a long way. Because a lot of times, as parents, we feel like we have to have all the answers; we have to fix this; we have to put the fire out. As we learn to manage what <em>we<\/em> feel, we\u2019re showing our children and demonstrating: \u201cThis is the kind of people we are.\u201d\n\nI love how Jesus wept when He came upon the grieving community for Lazarus. Jesus knew what He was going to do, but He wept; He shared. He didn\u2019t tell them, \u201cHey, there\u2019s no need to be sad! You don\u2019t have to\u2026\u201d He actually entered in and <em>shared<\/em> the communal grief.\n\nThat\u2019s just so helpful for parents to hold onto. Look, you don\u2019t have to have every right answer; but just get good at just being with your children and letting them know they are loved: \u201cI\u2019m glad to be with you. Even in this <em>mess<\/em>, I\u2019m glad I can be with you and walk you through that.\u201d That is life-changing.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That is such a great word for parents of any age child. You said, \u201cYour child is longing to look at your face and see that you are happy that they are your child.\u201d I think that doesn\u2019t change when they\u2019re a teenager\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014or adults.\n\n<strong>Chris:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It just doesn\u2019t change. They want to know: \u201cAre you still <em>pleased<\/em> that I\u2019m your child?\u201d When they feel and sense that from us, even when we\u2019re disciplining them, they feel secure.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> That\u2019s it.\n\n<strong>Chris: <\/strong>They\u2019ll use that for the rest of their lives, that: \u201cNo matter what happens here, I am loved. I belong; I\u2019m going to be alright, no matter <em>what<\/em>.\u201d\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> That\u2019s what we mean by joy-filled.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> And the goal here is to start a joy revolution; right? We live in a very low-joy culture. We live in a very low-joy church, for the most part. A lot of us were raised in low-joy families. What we\u2019re really after here is: \u201cIf we\u2019re going to start a joy revolution in the culture, it\u2019s got to start with the families; and where better than the Christian families?\u201d; right?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We know the answer.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We know the end of the story.\n\n<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> I find that, so often, Christian families have been so focused on behavior: that they\u2019ve been focusing on making sure their kids behave like Christians. I look back\u2014God created us to be part of <em>His<\/em> family\u2014what does He want for <em>His<\/em> family? He wants us all to love each other, to love Him, and for there to be joy\u2014to be fulfilled\u2014for our joy to be complete. It\u2019s all going back to that: \u201cHow do we fulfill God\u2019s original intention for creating humans in the first place?\u201d \u201cYou want a joy-filled family.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> When He sees us, there\u2019s a smile. Our sons and daughters should feel the same thing from us.\n\nThank you guys; this has been <em>awesome<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014so good.\n\n<strong>Chris:<\/strong> Thank you; it\u2019s been so good.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What do you think your kids would say if, at dinner tonight, you asked the question: \u201cDo you think we\u2019re a joy-filled family? I mean, for the most part\u2014not all the time\u2014nobody is all the time. But do you think that, for the most part, our family is joy-filled?\u201d\n<ul>\n \t<li>If they said, \u201cYes.\u201d It would be a good follow-up to say, \u201cWhat is it that produces joy in our family? What makes us joy-filled?\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n \t<li>If they said, \u201cNo,\u201d then ask the question: \u201cWhat do you think it would take for us to be a joy-filled family?\u201d And get ready for those answers.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\nMaybe get a copy of the book we\u2019ve been talking about this week that Marcus Warner and Chris Coursey have written called <em>The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Kids<\/em>. It\u2019s a book we\u2019ve got in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. In fact, we\u2019ve been sending this book out all week to those of you who can help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\nThis program every day\u2014this podcast, if you\u2019re listening to it as a podcast\u2014is all possible because listeners, like you, make it possible. <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> would not exist if it weren\u2019t for friends of the ministry\/donors, who step forward and say, \u201cThis is important to me and my family. We think it\u2019s important for our culture and our community, and we want to help <em>expand<\/em> the outreach of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u201d Thanks to those of you who have given in the past.\n\nIf you can give today to support our mission to effectively develop godly marriages and families, who change the world one home at a time, go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, to make a donation; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY, and make a donation online. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-358-6329; 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d Ask for your copy of the book, <em>The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Kids<\/em>, when you make your donation.\n\nNow, Dave and Ann Wilson had the opportunity to continue their conversation with Marcus Warner and Chris Coursey, talking about whether it\u2019s really impossible to spoil a toddler. It\u2019s one of the things that came up this week. They also talked about the difference between empathy and sympathy, just lots more about how we create joy-filled kids. That conversation is available on the <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> app. If you\u2019ve not already downloaded the FamilyLife app, go to the app store for your device and just type in \u201cFamilyLife\u201d as one word; download the app, and you\u2019ll have access to this additional bonus content with Chris Coursey and Marcus Warner. If you\u2019ve already got the app, it should be right there, available to you; and you can listen to more on this subject with Dave and Ann Wilson.\n\nNow, tomorrow, we want to talk about the importance\/the value of boundaries. A lot of times, we think boundaries constrain us or constrict us. Well, Ashley Hales joins us tomorrow to talk about how appropriate boundaries can actually open things up for you in life. We\u2019re going to talk about what it looks like to lead a spacious life tomorrow. I hope you can join us for that.\n\nOn behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife, a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry.\n\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2022 FamilyLife. 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