{"id":307409,"date":"2022-02-17T08:02:15","date_gmt":"2022-02-17T13:02:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/what-love-means-to-your-wife\/"},"modified":"2022-02-17T08:02:15","modified_gmt":"2022-02-17T13:02:15","slug":"what-love-means-to-your-wife","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/what-love-means-to-your-wife\/","title":{"rendered":"What &#8220;Love&#8221; Means&#8230;to Your Wife"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>What does love mean to your wife? On FamilyLife Today, hosts Dave and Ann Wilson share simple questions for husbands to ask their wives and why it matters to hear what they have to say.<br \/>\nShow Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tFind resources from this podcast at shop.familylife.com.<br \/>\n \tFind more content and resources on the FamilyLife&#8217;s app!<br \/>\n \tHelp others find Familylife.\u00a0 Leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify.<br \/>\n \tCheck out all the Familylife&#8217;s on the FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Fighting the drift in marriage is real. But hosts Dave and Ann Wilson offer simple questions about what love means to your wife &#8212; and why her answers matter.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2022-02-17.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:26:23","filesize":"24.15M","filesize_raw":"25325746","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2809,2805,2820],"tags":[7037],"podcast_series":[8505],"cwp_profile":[],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-307409","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-commitment","category-gods-plan-for-marriage","category-lifelong-marriages","tag-husbands-love-your-wives","podcast_series-what-every-wife-longs-for","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/307409\/what-love-means-to-your-wife","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/307409\/what-love-means-to-your-wife","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"5ihjbedMzN\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/what-love-means-to-your-wife\/\">What &#8220;Love&#8221; Means&#8230;to Your Wife<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/what-love-means-to-your-wife\/embed\/#?secret=5ihjbedMzN\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;What &#8220;Love&#8221; Means&#8230;to Your Wife&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"5ihjbedMzN\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2022-02-17.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2022-02-17.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I bet you I can tell you something that is in the Bible that you didn\u2019t even know was there.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh! It\u2019s stump Ann day.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I mean, you are Miss Go Through the Bible 16 times in 16 years?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So you know the Word; you\u2019ve read this many times.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t know this\u2014I mean, I knew it was in there\u2014but I didn\u2019t know how it said this. But God actually says, \u201cI\u2019m not interested in your prayers. Don\u2019t waste your time praying to me about this,\u201d\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014in a certain situation. Do you know what I\u2019m thinking of?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What?\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u201cIt\u2019s all the husband\u2019s fault.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWelcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But it is\u2014it is interesting; it\u2019s in 1 Peter 3\u2014and I know some husbands have heard this. I had heard this; but I had never read the last part, where Peter is writing; he says: \u201cLikewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way,\u201d\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014by the way, that\u2019s where we are going today\u2014\u201cshowing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel since they are heirs with you of the grace of life,\u201d\u2014here it is\u2014\u201cso that your prayers may not be hindered,\u201d\u20141 Peter 3:7.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s what happened all those years that our prayers weren\u2019t answered. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I thought you were going to say, \u201c\u2026when I was praying for the Lions.\u201d [Laughter] Maybe, that\u2019s why the Lions never won; no.\n\nWhat\u2019s really interesting\u2014I mean, he doesn\u2019t say, \u201cDon\u2019t bring your prayers to Me; I\u2019m not interested,\u201d\u2014but it <em>does<\/em> say to husbands to live with our wives\/to love our wives in an understanding way. If we <em>don\u2019t<\/em>, it affects our prayer life. Isn\u2019t that fascinating?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I was really only just teasing about our prayers not being answered; but when I\u2019ve read this before, I\u2019ve thought, \u201cMan, that is a lot of pressure for husbands.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, yes; and what hit me just the other day\u2014we\u2019re going to talk about today\u2014is: \u201cHusbands, live with your wives in an understanding way.\u201d In the NLT, the New Living Translation, it says, \u201cTreat your wife with understanding; treat her as you should, so your prayers will not be hindered.\u201d\n\nI thought, \u201cOkay, here is my question: \u2018Do you feel like I have loved you and treated you with understanding?\u2019 The answer is \u2018Yes\u2019; you\u2019ve got to say, \u2018Yes\u2019!\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Sometimes. [Laughter] No; I would say\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That was not what I was going for.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014but I think in our early years\u2014yes, you have loved me well\u2014but I think every single person that gets married is, at some point, disappointed; and their expectations aren\u2019t met.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, and I think we, as husbands, don\u2019t know how to love our wives.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Ooh, this is going to be a <em>good<\/em> session today.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So today is about\u2014you know, this is for the husbands\u2014Ann is going to help husbands learn how to love their wives; right? Again, If you are a wife listening today, and your husband is not listening, you\u2019ve got to figure out some creative way to get him to listen to this broadcast.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014without nagging or manipulating.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, just put it by the toilet; he\u2019ll be there a long time.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So today is for us women\u2014woo! Women, did you hear this? This is fun.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; so here is where I thought we would start because a lot of us, who have grown up around the church or become a follower of Christ, as a husband, <em>know<\/em> that the Bible says we should love our wives. A lot of men don\u2019t even know where this is; but it is in Ephesians 5. It is the longest, sort of, passage on marriage in the New Testament; and it is <em>beautiful<\/em>.\n\nIt is, actually, revolutionary at the time because women were not considered\u2014what Peter said, right there in Chapter 3, coheirs; they were equal; they were valued\u2014but in that culture, they were <em>not<\/em> valued. So when Paul says, \u201cLove your wives as Christ loved the church,\u201d he was elevating something that wasn\u2019t done in that culture. He was saying: \u201cIf you are a follower of Christ, in the church, it looks different. Women are special, and precious, and valued. So men, you are supposed to love them as Christ loved the church.\u201d\n\nBut before we get there, I\u2019ve got to get into the context; because I never want to take a passage out of the context of what he is saying. Really, to understand it, you\u2019ve got to go all the way back to the first verse in Chapter 5, which is\u00a0 24 verses earlier. Paul starts Ephesians, Chapter 5, this way; he says, \u201cTherefore, be imitators of God as beloved children.\u201d We could do the whole broadcast on that one verse: \u201cBe imitators of God.\u201d It is a command to Christ-followers. Imitate in the Greek means to mimic: \u201cMimic God\/copy God, as beloved children.\u201d\n\nAgain, he sort of reminds us of our identity. We are beloved and loved by God as His child\u2014as His son\/as His daughter\u2014and because of that, he says, \u201cMimic Him; copy Him.\u201d In other words, the world should be able to look at a Christ-follower and know what God is like.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s so interesting, as you say that, because to know what Jesus looks like\u2014what He did, what He said, how He lived\u2014you have to know your Bible.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You have to read it to understand, \u201cOh, this is what it looks like to copy Christ.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; so how could you copy somebody you don\u2019t know?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right; right.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So, obviously, you start there; but the command is sort of scary because, if we are honest, I think we would say, \u201cI can\u2019t do that: copy?\u2014imitate?\u2014mimic?\u2014my life, my words, my actions\u2014every minute of every single day are going to reveal to people the attributes and the character of God? That\u2019s like <em>impossible.<\/em>\u201d\n\nThat\u2019s exactly what He wants us to think: \u201cYou can\u2019t do that.\u201d So you go down 16 verses later\u2014again, context\u2014later in the chapter, we read this verse in verse 18 of\n\nEphesians 5\u2014he says, \u201cDo not get drunk with wine for that\u2019s debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit.\u201d In a sense, he is saying, \u201cI told you. Your command is to mimic, or copy, or imitate God. Here is how you do it,\u201d\u2014he says\u2014\u201cDon\u2019t get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery.\u201d People get <em>lost<\/em> in that verse; they think it is about drinking, and it isn\u2019t.\n\nI mean, it is just so <em>beautiful<\/em> how the Word of God is; he\u2019s like, \u201cWhen a person is drunk with wine, they are controlled by the alcohol.\u201d It will cause you to do things and say things that you would never do as a sober person; but you do as a drunk person. Paul says, \u201cThat is a waste of time; that is debauchery.\u201d\n\nBut using that analogy, he says, \u201cInstead of doing that, be filled with the Spirit.\u201d It is really interesting\u2014that phrase, \u201cbe filled,\u201d is a present tense verb: \u201ccontinually be being filled\u201d\u2014it is literally\/the literal translation: \u201cKeep be being filled,\u201d which means it isn\u2019t a one-time thing. It\u2019s like I continue to allow God to be in control of my life, and keep being filled with His Holy Spirit, so that I can accomplish what He has called me to do, which is to imitate Him. Then, out of that context, comes this passage that we\u2019ve heard many times as husbands; and I don\u2019t think we understand what it means.\n\nIn fact, today is the day where Ann gets to tell us men: \u201cWhat does this look like to a wife?\u201d I know every wife is different, so it might be different for your wife; but generally, it\u2019s pretty much the same thing. In verse 25, Paul goes on to say: \u201cHusbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word so that He might present the church to Himself in splendor without spot or wrinkle or any such thing that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself for no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it just as Christ does the church.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Does that make you feel pressure, as a man\/as a husband? That\u2019s a big command.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, I think it makes us feel <em>pressure<\/em>; but it also makes us go, \u201cI don\u2019t know how to do that! [Laughter] I don\u2019t know what that looks like,\u201d which is why we are talking today. It\u2019s like, \u201cOkay; somebody help me understand what that looks like.\u201d\n\nSo often, when I would just have a conference with men or do a message for men, I would talk about: \u201cOkay, we want to be a vertical man, which means I want to find my life, vertically, in Christ. I want to be filled with the Holy Spirit every second as a husband, as a dad, as a man. What would that look like?\u201d I talk about three characteristics of vertical men.\n\nAll we are going to do today is talk about <em>one<\/em> of those; but I say this: \u201cA vertical man is <em>sensitive<\/em>,\u201d\u2014there are three S-words. The first one is a vertical man is sensitive\u2014what?\u2014sensitive to the needs of his wife\/to the needs of his kids. I think, when we find life in Christ, we are able to say, \u201cOkay, I\u2019m not married to <em>get<\/em> from my wife. I now am a <em>giver<\/em>, because I\u2019m <em>filled<\/em> with Christ. The Holy Spirit has filled me to overflow to a point, where I can now <em>give<\/em>\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Preach!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201crather than <em>take<\/em>\u201d; you know?\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Marriage is all about [in our culture]: \u201cWhat are you doing for me lately?\u201d It\u2019s like, \u201cNo, no. Once you are in Christ\u201d\u2014and this obviously happened for the wife as well\u2014\u201cbut it\u2019s no longer about <em>my<\/em> wants, and <em>my<\/em> needs, and <em>my<\/em> happiness; I\u2019ve found that in Christ.\u201d I know, often, we say that; we don\u2019t really experience that, but it\u2019s <em>real<\/em>.\n\nA real dynamic walk with God fills you to the point, where now I take my eyes off myself; and I look at my wife and say, \u201cOkay; how do I love her? What does loving her \u2018as Christ loved the church\u2019 [mean?]\u201d Now, \u201cas Christ loved the church,\u201d is a great picture: He laid down His life for the church; so, obviously, it wasn\u2019t about Him; it was about us. He gave His life to love the church. The same thing for a husband\u2014it\u2019s like, \u201cIt\u2019s not about me; it\u2019s not about my needs anymore\u2014\u2018How do I lay down my life to love my wife?\u2019\u201d\n\nIt\u2019s interesting\u2014we\u2019ve always said\u2014and we said this in <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em> and even in the <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> small group; hopefully, you\u2019ve been through that. If you haven\u2019t, get it and go through it with some other couples\u2014but we tried to say: \u201cLove has sort of lost its meaning; because we say: \u2018I love my wife,\u2019 \u2018I love the Detroit Lions,\u2019 or \u2018I love ice cream\u2019; right?\u201d It\u2019s like, \u201cWhat does that even <em>mean<\/em>?\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cWhat is love?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So we said: \u201cA better word\u201d\u2014and he actually uses the word in verse 28\u2014\u201cis <em>cherish<\/em> your wife\u201d; because I think we know what cherish means, especially when it comes to things. Here is the definition of cherish in Wikipedia; it said: \u201cTo cherish something is to care for it deeply, to treasure it, to hold dear. Related words mean costly and beloved.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Those are <em>good<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So here\u2019s the thing\u2014I know how\u2014and I think a lot of guys might be wired like me\u2014I know how to cherish stuff\/things.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Do you think most guys are like that?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think most people are like that, actually.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s true.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Women do the same thing.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s like we protect; we cherish. I don\u2019t know what you would say; but it could be a car. For me, it\u2019s guitars; a motorcycle. It\u2019s like if somebody comes into my house and wants to grab one of my guitars off the wall, I\u2019d be like, \u201cStop!\u201d because it is costly, and I love it. I want to make sure they take care of this Gretsch guitar or this Rickenbacker bass. Those are precious things, and I talk about them. They are in a humidified room so the wood doesn\u2019t warp. It\u2019s just crazy the things we do; that\u2019s just me with guitars. There are people who love TVs, or sound systems, or cars, or golf clubs. Okay, we\u2019re not going to get into it. [Laughter]\n\nBut it\u2019s like, \u201cWhat would my wife feel like\/what would your wife feel like if she was humidified?\u201d [Laughter] In other words, if she was so costly to you\/she was so valuable\u2014above a thing or above your job\u2014that she felt cherished: again, cared for, treasured, held dear.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You have done that, and you are very particular. It\u2019s <em>great<\/em>, because you do take care of your things; I <em>love<\/em> that.\n\nBut I do remember when I was pregnant with our first child. Our car broke down,\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> [Sounding glum] Okay.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014and I was driving it. Because you asked at the beginning if [I] always felt loved by [you,] so I was thinking about that; that\u2019s what came to my mind. Because I\u2019m pregnant\u2014the car breaks down\u2014you have to come and pick me up. There were no cell phones in the day. No; I walked home, but it wasn\u2019t very far.\n\nI remember saying, \u201cHey, we really need to get this fixed; because I\u2019m pregnant.\u201d I was only\u2014I don\u2019t know\u2014three months pregnant, maybe. So then, I come out in the garage, and you are super excited. You go, \u201cI don\u2019t have to take it to the mechanic, because I fixed it!\u201d [Laughter] You were super proud of yourself. [I was] like, \u201cWhat happened? How did you <em>do<\/em> this?!\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I was pretty proud. It was standard shift car; so it had a stick shift with a clutch. I cherished money; we didn\u2019t have a lot of money. I\u2019m like, \u201cThis is going to cost several hundred dollars to get a new clutch,\u201d or whatever. I realized what happened, as I crawled under there; the cable that connected to the clutch pedal had a knob that went through this little loop, and the knob broke off.\n\nI was like, \u201cAll I need to do is put a knob on the back of this pedal through that loop, and it will pull.\u201d I mean, I am embarrassed to say this now, based on what ended up happening; but I put vice grips on there, and I clamped it down <em>super tight<\/em>. It grabbed that cable and went through the loop. So when you pushed that pedal\u2014the bad thing is it was sort of clunky; because you pushed the pedal, and the vice grips would sort of\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, they would\u2014clunk, clunk, clunk.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, but the pedal went in, and it held on, and you could drive it.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That was <em>my<\/em> car. I\u2019m thinking, <em>now<\/em>, \u201cWhy didn\u2019t <em>you<\/em> drive that car?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Alright; tell them what happened; just tell them what happened. Get to the\/get to it.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay; so three months later, when now, I\u2019m\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> See, it worked for three months; that\u2019s pretty good. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> But Dave\u2019s\u2014we\u2019ve shared this before\u2014but Dave is off to this event, a big fundraiser. I am supposed to meet him there. What ends up happening is I\u2019m driving. It\u2019s late at night; it\u2019s dark, and it\u2019s winter; and that vice grip falls off. So the car breaks down on the side of the road. I\u2019m all dressed up\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019m already at the event.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014high heels on, hose.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Actually, I\u2019m there, wondering, \u201cWhere is my wife?\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It is snowing; there is snow on the ground. So again, there is no cell phone. So I stop at somebody\u2019s house. I kind of show my belly; like, \u201cHey, my car broke down. And as you can see, I\u2019m pregnant. I\u2019m wondering if I can use your phone.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014show your belly?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; I\u2019m like, \u201cFeel sorry for me!\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I mean, it sounds like you\u2019re opening your shirt; no.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> No, I\u2019m just showing them that I have a little baby bump. They said, \u201cWe\u2019re sorry, but we don\u2019t allow people into our home.\u201d Then I went to the next door; they are gone. I end up walking <em>miles<\/em> home; and because it is so far, I started cutting through\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> A little exaggeration.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014no, it <em>was<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It wasn\u2019t <em>miles<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014cutting through the yards, over fences in my high heels. The whole time, I am so mad at Dave; because I am thinking, \u201cWho wouldn\u2019t fix this car for his pregnant wife?!\u201d I finally get home. I change my clothes; a neighbor takes me to the event. I walk in the door, <em>fuming<\/em>; I am so mad. I am feeling <em>so unloved<\/em>, <em>so unprotected<\/em>.\n\nThe first thing that happens is this woman comes up; and she goes, \u201cOH!\u201d\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> The event is <em>over<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes! But she\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I mean, I am standing there, talking to people, like, \u201cYou missed the whole event.\u201d So when I see you walk in, I\u2019m mad; I\u2019m like, \u201cWhere in the world have you been?\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And you know, steam is coming out of my ears. This lady rushes up to me; she goes [all bubbly], \u201cAre you Dave Wilson\u2019s wife?!\u201d I said, \u201cYes.\u201d She said, \u201cOh, he just finished speaking. <em>He<\/em> is really <em>amazing<\/em>. It must be <em>something<\/em> to be married to him.\u201d\n\nI sat there\u2014you guys, I am <em>so<\/em> angry\u2014and I said, \u201cYou know that is a good way to put it. It is <em>something<\/em> being married to him.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Okay; that was a really bad night in our marriage.\n\nYou know, now, 30-some years removed from that\u2014I couldn\u2019t see it in the moment\u2014because it wasn\u2019t just that night; that was a pattern in my life that I now see I cherished other things over <em>you<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, Dave\u2014yes, I think what happens in marriage\u2014this is what it feels like for many of us, as women. We are\u2014in our engagement time\u2014you guys are <em>amazing,<\/em> like you won me; you wooed me; you were so attentive; you were pursuing me at all costs.\n\nAnd then we get married; and I\u2019m feeling like, \u201cWhat in the world?! Your guitars feel more important than me.\u201d Your job felt more important. I think wives feel that, like: \u201cMan, his job is way more important,\u201d \u201cHis golfing schedule and his hunting schedule is way more important. I\u2019m at the <em>bottom<\/em> of that priority list.\u201d It\u2019s really hard.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s crazy to think that, in my life, I was even standing on a stage, as a pastor or a marriage speaker, saying, \u201cHusbands, love your wives\u201d\u2014not realizing, \u201cI\u2019m not doing this very well.\u201d Some of it was just reprioritizing my values\/what matters.\n\nI would say you were the most important thing in my life\u2014and it was absolutely true\u2014but I wasn\u2019t living like that. I was loving\/cherishing other things: my job, my schedule\u2014the Detroit Lions chaplain; travelling with the team\u2014I was doing all that stuff.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And I think, with your attitude, it made me feel like you just thought I was needy: \u201cWhy do you have to be so <em>needy<\/em>?\u201d I just wanted to be loved.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, and I think, whenever you brought it up,\u2014remember this?\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014I got defensive.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014very.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I would say, \u201cI\u2019m spending the time at the job because I love you. I\u2019m providing for you, and I\u2019m providing for the boys and our family. I mean, this is my way of showing you I love you.\u201d Why didn\u2019t that say, \u201cI love you\u201d?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Because it made me feel like, \u201cNo, you love your job; and you are finding incredible pleasure through that.\u201d I knew that you were providing, and I was thankful; but I think, for women, we really <em>long<\/em> to have that relationship.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think every woman is different, obviously. In fact, every woman might be totally different than you\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014but it\u2019s like every man is different\u2014but I think, at the core, every woman <em>longs<\/em> to be loved\u2014I think every guy does, too, actually\u2014longs to be cherished. I think, as husbands, we need to know specifically what love looks like to our wife: \u201cWhat does <em>my<\/em> wife say love is?\u201d\n\nAnd you know, we said in <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em>, and even in the small group, we said: \u201cOne of the things I think that every wife would agree\u2014says, \u2018I love you,\u2019\u2014is spending time. Time for this relationship\/our marriage is not on the calendar,\u201d like it wasn\u2019t for us. We said it was, but I let other things push it out. Even if we had a date night, and I got a speaking engagement that was going to pay me an honorarium, I was thinking, \u201cThat provides for the family. We can move the date night to the next night.\u201d\n\nGuess what happened? I would take the speaking engagements, so I would be gone. You would be home with the kids, and then we wouldn\u2019t go out the next night. The next thing you know; it is a month before we are spending time together, to say: \u201cThis relationship really matters.\u201d And things that matter get time on your calendar; right?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019m just saying that that\u2014to every wife\u2014says, \u201cI love you\u201d; right?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; I think what happens, as we gradually drift\u2014and that is what we say at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> getaways\u2014that if you aren\u2019t pursuing and persistently going after your relationship in a positive way of pouring into it, you will naturally drift toward isolation.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So here is the homework\u2014because here is what we are going to do in the next broadcast\u2014we are going to talk about three ways to really cherish and love your wife; but before we get there, here is your homework for tonight, guys:\n\nAsk her, \u201cWhat says I love you?\u201d I\u2019m not kidding\u2014tonight\u2014you don\u2019t even have to go on a date. If you can, go on a date with her; but if you can\u2019t, get the kids down or get whatever responsibilities you have put away; and sometime, before you go to bed tonight\u2014and I\u2019m putting this on the guy\/the husband\u2014turn to your wife and say, \u201cWhat makes you feel loved?\u201d and take notes. When she tells you, ask her follow-up questions, like, \u201cWhat does that look like? How do I do that?\u201d\n\nThis could change your entire marriage. By the way, this takes us all the way back to the beginning, when Peter said, \u201cLive with your wives in an understanding way.\u201d I don\u2019t think we understand our wives. It doesn\u2019t mean she is a weaker\u2014weaker vessel doesn\u2019t mean she\u2019s weaker emotionally\u2014it\u2019s talking about, physically, she might be weaker. She is probably stronger\u2014I\u2019ve noticed that with Ann\u2014she is stronger than I am emotionally; but I don\u2019t know what it means to live with her in an understanding way. How can I learn? I need to ask.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s great homework.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Then I need to apply.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Now, let me just say here, lest you think that homework assignment is just for people who have been married for five years or less. The process of living with your wife in an understanding way is a lifetime assignment, and things change over the years. Mary Ann and I have talked about the fact that what speaks love to her today is different than it was ten years ago. So for every husband to ask that question: \u201cWhat is it that makes you feel loved?\u201d Then, as Dave Wilson said, take notes; probe a little deeper: \u201cTell me more.\u201d That\u2019s a good homework assignment for <em>any<\/em> of us.\n\nYou know, Dave and Ann have written about how we can love and serve one another <em>better<\/em> in their book, <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em>, which is a classic book. In fact, we are making the book available this week to those of you who are regular <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners, who can help us with a donation. <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> would not be here if it weren\u2019t for listeners, like you, calling or going online and saying, \u201cWe believe in this ministry. It is helping us; we know it is helping others. We want to see it grow and expand. We want to help provide the fuel that helps <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> go farther.\u201d\n\nSo if you can help with a little gas money, make a donation today online at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Be sure to ask for your copy of the book, <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em>. We\u2019d love to send it to you as a way of saying, \u201cThank you for your support.\u201d If you already have a copy of <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em>, make a donation today and pass a copy on to someone you know in your church, someone in your community, someone at work. It\u2019s a great way to, maybe, open a spiritual conversation with somebody who you have been praying for. Again, you can make your donation at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to donate at 1-800-FL-TODAY.\n\nNow, I know that this is a time of year when a lot of church small groups are getting started up again. Maybe, you are in a small group, where you guys are going through a book study or something. At FamilyLife, we\u2019ve got a number of small group resources that couples have found very helpful. Recently, I did a series on my book, <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em>, a ten-part video series for couples to do in a small group setting. There are many of these small group studies available. You can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, to find out more about them.\n\nRight now, between now and February 18, at FamilyLifeToday.com, if you use the promo code, \u201cNEWYEAR2022,\u201d you\u2019ll save 25 percent off any small group order. Go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, if you are looking for something related to marriage or parenting for your small group. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com and check out what we\u2019ve got available. Again, use that promo code, \u201cNEWYEAR2022,\u201d to save 25 percent off.\n\nNow, husbands, does your wife know where she is on your priority list? For that matter, do <em>you<\/em> know where your wife is on your priority list? I don\u2019t mean: \u201cDo you know the <em>right<\/em> answer to that?\u201d \u201cWhat is the <em>real<\/em> answer to that? How is that being lived out in your marriage?\u201d Dave and Ann Wilson talk more about that tomorrow. I hope you can tune in for that.\n\nOn behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife, a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry.\n\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2022 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\n<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\n\n1"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:26:23"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["24.15M"],"filesize_raw":["25325746"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-307409.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-307409.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f 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});\";s:18:\"current_block_list\";a:17:{i:0;s:14:\"uagb\/container\";i:1;s:12:\"core\/heading\";i:2;s:9:\"core\/html\";i:3;s:10:\"core\/group\";i:6;s:21:\"uagb\/advanced-heading\";i:7;s:14:\"uagb\/separator\";i:8;s:14:\"uagb\/icon-list\";i:9;s:20:\"uagb\/icon-list-child\";i:10;s:11:\"core\/search\";i:13;s:18:\"core\/legacy-widget\";i:16;s:10:\"uagb\/image\";i:17;s:17:\"core\/social-links\";i:18;s:16:\"core\/social-link\";i:19;s:14:\"core\/paragraph\";i:20;s:30:\"meta-box\/fl-conditional-blocks\";i:21;s:12:\"uagb\/buttons\";i:22;s:18:\"uagb\/buttons-child\";}s:8:\"uag_flag\";b:1;s:11:\"uag_version\";i:1776513801;s:6:\"gfonts\";a:1:{s:7:\"Default\";a:2:{s:10:\"fontfamily\";s:7:\"Default\";s:12:\"fontvariants\";a:0:{}}}s:10:\"gfonts_url\";s:71:\"\/\/fonts.googleapis.com\/css?family=Default&subset=latin&display=fallback\";s:12:\"gfonts_files\";a:0:{}s:14:\"uag_faq_layout\";b:0;}"]},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Fighting the drift in marriage is real. But hosts Dave and Ann Wilson offer simple questions about what love means to your wife -- and why her answers matter.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2022-02-17.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I bet you I can tell you something that is in the Bible that you didn\u2019t even know was there.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh! It\u2019s stump Ann day.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I mean, you are Miss Go Through the Bible 16 times in 16 years?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So you know the Word; you\u2019ve read this many times.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t know this\u2014I mean, I knew it was in there\u2014but I didn\u2019t know how it said this. But God actually says, \u201cI\u2019m not interested in your prayers. Don\u2019t waste your time praying to me about this,\u201d\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014in a certain situation. Do you know what I\u2019m thinking of?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What?\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u201cIt\u2019s all the husband\u2019s fault.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWelcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But it is\u2014it is interesting; it\u2019s in 1 Peter 3\u2014and I know some husbands have heard this. I had heard this; but I had never read the last part, where Peter is writing; he says: \u201cLikewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way,\u201d\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014by the way, that\u2019s where we are going today\u2014\u201cshowing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel since they are heirs with you of the grace of life,\u201d\u2014here it is\u2014\u201cso that your prayers may not be hindered,\u201d\u20141 Peter 3:7.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s what happened all those years that our prayers weren\u2019t answered. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I thought you were going to say, \u201c\u2026when I was praying for the Lions.\u201d [Laughter] Maybe, that\u2019s why the Lions never won; no.\n\nWhat\u2019s really interesting\u2014I mean, he doesn\u2019t say, \u201cDon\u2019t bring your prayers to Me; I\u2019m not interested,\u201d\u2014but it <em>does<\/em> say to husbands to live with our wives\/to love our wives in an understanding way. If we <em>don\u2019t<\/em>, it affects our prayer life. Isn\u2019t that fascinating?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I was really only just teasing about our prayers not being answered; but when I\u2019ve read this before, I\u2019ve thought, \u201cMan, that is a lot of pressure for husbands.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, yes; and what hit me just the other day\u2014we\u2019re going to talk about today\u2014is: \u201cHusbands, live with your wives in an understanding way.\u201d In the NLT, the New Living Translation, it says, \u201cTreat your wife with understanding; treat her as you should, so your prayers will not be hindered.\u201d\n\nI thought, \u201cOkay, here is my question: \u2018Do you feel like I have loved you and treated you with understanding?\u2019 The answer is \u2018Yes\u2019; you\u2019ve got to say, \u2018Yes\u2019!\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Sometimes. [Laughter] No; I would say\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That was not what I was going for.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014but I think in our early years\u2014yes, you have loved me well\u2014but I think every single person that gets married is, at some point, disappointed; and their expectations aren\u2019t met.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, and I think we, as husbands, don\u2019t know how to love our wives.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Ooh, this is going to be a <em>good<\/em> session today.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So today is about\u2014you know, this is for the husbands\u2014Ann is going to help husbands learn how to love their wives; right? Again, If you are a wife listening today, and your husband is not listening, you\u2019ve got to figure out some creative way to get him to listen to this broadcast.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014without nagging or manipulating.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, just put it by the toilet; he\u2019ll be there a long time.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So today is for us women\u2014woo! Women, did you hear this? This is fun.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; so here is where I thought we would start because a lot of us, who have grown up around the church or become a follower of Christ, as a husband, <em>know<\/em> that the Bible says we should love our wives. A lot of men don\u2019t even know where this is; but it is in Ephesians 5. It is the longest, sort of, passage on marriage in the New Testament; and it is <em>beautiful<\/em>.\n\nIt is, actually, revolutionary at the time because women were not considered\u2014what Peter said, right there in Chapter 3, coheirs; they were equal; they were valued\u2014but in that culture, they were <em>not<\/em> valued. So when Paul says, \u201cLove your wives as Christ loved the church,\u201d he was elevating something that wasn\u2019t done in that culture. He was saying: \u201cIf you are a follower of Christ, in the church, it looks different. Women are special, and precious, and valued. So men, you are supposed to love them as Christ loved the church.\u201d\n\nBut before we get there, I\u2019ve got to get into the context; because I never want to take a passage out of the context of what he is saying. Really, to understand it, you\u2019ve got to go all the way back to the first verse in Chapter 5, which is\u00a0 24 verses earlier. Paul starts Ephesians, Chapter 5, this way; he says, \u201cTherefore, be imitators of God as beloved children.\u201d We could do the whole broadcast on that one verse: \u201cBe imitators of God.\u201d It is a command to Christ-followers. Imitate in the Greek means to mimic: \u201cMimic God\/copy God, as beloved children.\u201d\n\nAgain, he sort of reminds us of our identity. We are beloved and loved by God as His child\u2014as His son\/as His daughter\u2014and because of that, he says, \u201cMimic Him; copy Him.\u201d In other words, the world should be able to look at a Christ-follower and know what God is like.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s so interesting, as you say that, because to know what Jesus looks like\u2014what He did, what He said, how He lived\u2014you have to know your Bible.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You have to read it to understand, \u201cOh, this is what it looks like to copy Christ.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; so how could you copy somebody you don\u2019t know?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right; right.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So, obviously, you start there; but the command is sort of scary because, if we are honest, I think we would say, \u201cI can\u2019t do that: copy?\u2014imitate?\u2014mimic?\u2014my life, my words, my actions\u2014every minute of every single day are going to reveal to people the attributes and the character of God? That\u2019s like <em>impossible.<\/em>\u201d\n\nThat\u2019s exactly what He wants us to think: \u201cYou can\u2019t do that.\u201d So you go down 16 verses later\u2014again, context\u2014later in the chapter, we read this verse in verse 18 of\n\nEphesians 5\u2014he says, \u201cDo not get drunk with wine for that\u2019s debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit.\u201d In a sense, he is saying, \u201cI told you. Your command is to mimic, or copy, or imitate God. Here is how you do it,\u201d\u2014he says\u2014\u201cDon\u2019t get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery.\u201d People get <em>lost<\/em> in that verse; they think it is about drinking, and it isn\u2019t.\n\nI mean, it is just so <em>beautiful<\/em> how the Word of God is; he\u2019s like, \u201cWhen a person is drunk with wine, they are controlled by the alcohol.\u201d It will cause you to do things and say things that you would never do as a sober person; but you do as a drunk person. Paul says, \u201cThat is a waste of time; that is debauchery.\u201d\n\nBut using that analogy, he says, \u201cInstead of doing that, be filled with the Spirit.\u201d It is really interesting\u2014that phrase, \u201cbe filled,\u201d is a present tense verb: \u201ccontinually be being filled\u201d\u2014it is literally\/the literal translation: \u201cKeep be being filled,\u201d which means it isn\u2019t a one-time thing. It\u2019s like I continue to allow God to be in control of my life, and keep being filled with His Holy Spirit, so that I can accomplish what He has called me to do, which is to imitate Him. Then, out of that context, comes this passage that we\u2019ve heard many times as husbands; and I don\u2019t think we understand what it means.\n\nIn fact, today is the day where Ann gets to tell us men: \u201cWhat does this look like to a wife?\u201d I know every wife is different, so it might be different for your wife; but generally, it\u2019s pretty much the same thing. In verse 25, Paul goes on to say: \u201cHusbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word so that He might present the church to Himself in splendor without spot or wrinkle or any such thing that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself for no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it just as Christ does the church.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Does that make you feel pressure, as a man\/as a husband? That\u2019s a big command.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, I think it makes us feel <em>pressure<\/em>; but it also makes us go, \u201cI don\u2019t know how to do that! [Laughter] I don\u2019t know what that looks like,\u201d which is why we are talking today. It\u2019s like, \u201cOkay; somebody help me understand what that looks like.\u201d\n\nSo often, when I would just have a conference with men or do a message for men, I would talk about: \u201cOkay, we want to be a vertical man, which means I want to find my life, vertically, in Christ. I want to be filled with the Holy Spirit every second as a husband, as a dad, as a man. What would that look like?\u201d I talk about three characteristics of vertical men.\n\nAll we are going to do today is talk about <em>one<\/em> of those; but I say this: \u201cA vertical man is <em>sensitive<\/em>,\u201d\u2014there are three S-words. The first one is a vertical man is sensitive\u2014what?\u2014sensitive to the needs of his wife\/to the needs of his kids. I think, when we find life in Christ, we are able to say, \u201cOkay, I\u2019m not married to <em>get<\/em> from my wife. I now am a <em>giver<\/em>, because I\u2019m <em>filled<\/em> with Christ. The Holy Spirit has filled me to overflow to a point, where I can now <em>give<\/em>\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Preach!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201crather than <em>take<\/em>\u201d; you know?\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Marriage is all about [in our culture]: \u201cWhat are you doing for me lately?\u201d It\u2019s like, \u201cNo, no. Once you are in Christ\u201d\u2014and this obviously happened for the wife as well\u2014\u201cbut it\u2019s no longer about <em>my<\/em> wants, and <em>my<\/em> needs, and <em>my<\/em> happiness; I\u2019ve found that in Christ.\u201d I know, often, we say that; we don\u2019t really experience that, but it\u2019s <em>real<\/em>.\n\nA real dynamic walk with God fills you to the point, where now I take my eyes off myself; and I look at my wife and say, \u201cOkay; how do I love her? What does loving her \u2018as Christ loved the church\u2019 [mean?]\u201d Now, \u201cas Christ loved the church,\u201d is a great picture: He laid down His life for the church; so, obviously, it wasn\u2019t about Him; it was about us. He gave His life to love the church. The same thing for a husband\u2014it\u2019s like, \u201cIt\u2019s not about me; it\u2019s not about my needs anymore\u2014\u2018How do I lay down my life to love my wife?\u2019\u201d\n\nIt\u2019s interesting\u2014we\u2019ve always said\u2014and we said this in <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em> and even in the <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> small group; hopefully, you\u2019ve been through that. If you haven\u2019t, get it and go through it with some other couples\u2014but we tried to say: \u201cLove has sort of lost its meaning; because we say: \u2018I love my wife,\u2019 \u2018I love the Detroit Lions,\u2019 or \u2018I love ice cream\u2019; right?\u201d It\u2019s like, \u201cWhat does that even <em>mean<\/em>?\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cWhat is love?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So we said: \u201cA better word\u201d\u2014and he actually uses the word in verse 28\u2014\u201cis <em>cherish<\/em> your wife\u201d; because I think we know what cherish means, especially when it comes to things. Here is the definition of cherish in Wikipedia; it said: \u201cTo cherish something is to care for it deeply, to treasure it, to hold dear. Related words mean costly and beloved.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Those are <em>good<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So here\u2019s the thing\u2014I know how\u2014and I think a lot of guys might be wired like me\u2014I know how to cherish stuff\/things.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Do you think most guys are like that?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think most people are like that, actually.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s true.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Women do the same thing.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s like we protect; we cherish. I don\u2019t know what you would say; but it could be a car. For me, it\u2019s guitars; a motorcycle. It\u2019s like if somebody comes into my house and wants to grab one of my guitars off the wall, I\u2019d be like, \u201cStop!\u201d because it is costly, and I love it. I want to make sure they take care of this Gretsch guitar or this Rickenbacker bass. Those are precious things, and I talk about them. They are in a humidified room so the wood doesn\u2019t warp. It\u2019s just crazy the things we do; that\u2019s just me with guitars. There are people who love TVs, or sound systems, or cars, or golf clubs. Okay, we\u2019re not going to get into it. [Laughter]\n\nBut it\u2019s like, \u201cWhat would my wife feel like\/what would your wife feel like if she was humidified?\u201d [Laughter] In other words, if she was so costly to you\/she was so valuable\u2014above a thing or above your job\u2014that she felt cherished: again, cared for, treasured, held dear.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You have done that, and you are very particular. It\u2019s <em>great<\/em>, because you do take care of your things; I <em>love<\/em> that.\n\nBut I do remember when I was pregnant with our first child. Our car broke down,\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> [Sounding glum] Okay.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014and I was driving it. Because you asked at the beginning if [I] always felt loved by [you,] so I was thinking about that; that\u2019s what came to my mind. Because I\u2019m pregnant\u2014the car breaks down\u2014you have to come and pick me up. There were no cell phones in the day. No; I walked home, but it wasn\u2019t very far.\n\nI remember saying, \u201cHey, we really need to get this fixed; because I\u2019m pregnant.\u201d I was only\u2014I don\u2019t know\u2014three months pregnant, maybe. So then, I come out in the garage, and you are super excited. You go, \u201cI don\u2019t have to take it to the mechanic, because I fixed it!\u201d [Laughter] You were super proud of yourself. [I was] like, \u201cWhat happened? How did you <em>do<\/em> this?!\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I was pretty proud. It was standard shift car; so it had a stick shift with a clutch. I cherished money; we didn\u2019t have a lot of money. I\u2019m like, \u201cThis is going to cost several hundred dollars to get a new clutch,\u201d or whatever. I realized what happened, as I crawled under there; the cable that connected to the clutch pedal had a knob that went through this little loop, and the knob broke off.\n\nI was like, \u201cAll I need to do is put a knob on the back of this pedal through that loop, and it will pull.\u201d I mean, I am embarrassed to say this now, based on what ended up happening; but I put vice grips on there, and I clamped it down <em>super tight<\/em>. It grabbed that cable and went through the loop. So when you pushed that pedal\u2014the bad thing is it was sort of clunky; because you pushed the pedal, and the vice grips would sort of\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, they would\u2014clunk, clunk, clunk.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, but the pedal went in, and it held on, and you could drive it.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That was <em>my<\/em> car. I\u2019m thinking, <em>now<\/em>, \u201cWhy didn\u2019t <em>you<\/em> drive that car?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Alright; tell them what happened; just tell them what happened. Get to the\/get to it.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay; so three months later, when now, I\u2019m\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> See, it worked for three months; that\u2019s pretty good. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> But Dave\u2019s\u2014we\u2019ve shared this before\u2014but Dave is off to this event, a big fundraiser. I am supposed to meet him there. What ends up happening is I\u2019m driving. It\u2019s late at night; it\u2019s dark, and it\u2019s winter; and that vice grip falls off. So the car breaks down on the side of the road. I\u2019m all dressed up\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019m already at the event.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014high heels on, hose.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Actually, I\u2019m there, wondering, \u201cWhere is my wife?\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It is snowing; there is snow on the ground. So again, there is no cell phone. So I stop at somebody\u2019s house. I kind of show my belly; like, \u201cHey, my car broke down. And as you can see, I\u2019m pregnant. I\u2019m wondering if I can use your phone.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014show your belly?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; I\u2019m like, \u201cFeel sorry for me!\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I mean, it sounds like you\u2019re opening your shirt; no.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> No, I\u2019m just showing them that I have a little baby bump. They said, \u201cWe\u2019re sorry, but we don\u2019t allow people into our home.\u201d Then I went to the next door; they are gone. I end up walking <em>miles<\/em> home; and because it is so far, I started cutting through\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> A little exaggeration.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014no, it <em>was<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It wasn\u2019t <em>miles<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014cutting through the yards, over fences in my high heels. The whole time, I am so mad at Dave; because I am thinking, \u201cWho wouldn\u2019t fix this car for his pregnant wife?!\u201d I finally get home. I change my clothes; a neighbor takes me to the event. I walk in the door, <em>fuming<\/em>; I am so mad. I am feeling <em>so unloved<\/em>, <em>so unprotected<\/em>.\n\nThe first thing that happens is this woman comes up; and she goes, \u201cOH!\u201d\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> The event is <em>over<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes! But she\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I mean, I am standing there, talking to people, like, \u201cYou missed the whole event.\u201d So when I see you walk in, I\u2019m mad; I\u2019m like, \u201cWhere in the world have you been?\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And you know, steam is coming out of my ears. This lady rushes up to me; she goes [all bubbly], \u201cAre you Dave Wilson\u2019s wife?!\u201d I said, \u201cYes.\u201d She said, \u201cOh, he just finished speaking. <em>He<\/em> is really <em>amazing<\/em>. It must be <em>something<\/em> to be married to him.\u201d\n\nI sat there\u2014you guys, I am <em>so<\/em> angry\u2014and I said, \u201cYou know that is a good way to put it. It is <em>something<\/em> being married to him.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Okay; that was a really bad night in our marriage.\n\nYou know, now, 30-some years removed from that\u2014I couldn\u2019t see it in the moment\u2014because it wasn\u2019t just that night; that was a pattern in my life that I now see I cherished other things over <em>you<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, Dave\u2014yes, I think what happens in marriage\u2014this is what it feels like for many of us, as women. We are\u2014in our engagement time\u2014you guys are <em>amazing,<\/em> like you won me; you wooed me; you were so attentive; you were pursuing me at all costs.\n\nAnd then we get married; and I\u2019m feeling like, \u201cWhat in the world?! Your guitars feel more important than me.\u201d Your job felt more important. I think wives feel that, like: \u201cMan, his job is way more important,\u201d \u201cHis golfing schedule and his hunting schedule is way more important. I\u2019m at the <em>bottom<\/em> of that priority list.\u201d It\u2019s really hard.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s crazy to think that, in my life, I was even standing on a stage, as a pastor or a marriage speaker, saying, \u201cHusbands, love your wives\u201d\u2014not realizing, \u201cI\u2019m not doing this very well.\u201d Some of it was just reprioritizing my values\/what matters.\n\nI would say you were the most important thing in my life\u2014and it was absolutely true\u2014but I wasn\u2019t living like that. I was loving\/cherishing other things: my job, my schedule\u2014the Detroit Lions chaplain; travelling with the team\u2014I was doing all that stuff.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And I think, with your attitude, it made me feel like you just thought I was needy: \u201cWhy do you have to be so <em>needy<\/em>?\u201d I just wanted to be loved.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, and I think, whenever you brought it up,\u2014remember this?\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014I got defensive.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014very.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I would say, \u201cI\u2019m spending the time at the job because I love you. I\u2019m providing for you, and I\u2019m providing for the boys and our family. I mean, this is my way of showing you I love you.\u201d Why didn\u2019t that say, \u201cI love you\u201d?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Because it made me feel like, \u201cNo, you love your job; and you are finding incredible pleasure through that.\u201d I knew that you were providing, and I was thankful; but I think, for women, we really <em>long<\/em> to have that relationship.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think every woman is different, obviously. In fact, every woman might be totally different than you\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014but it\u2019s like every man is different\u2014but I think, at the core, every woman <em>longs<\/em> to be loved\u2014I think every guy does, too, actually\u2014longs to be cherished. I think, as husbands, we need to know specifically what love looks like to our wife: \u201cWhat does <em>my<\/em> wife say love is?\u201d\n\nAnd you know, we said in <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em>, and even in the small group, we said: \u201cOne of the things I think that every wife would agree\u2014says, \u2018I love you,\u2019\u2014is spending time. Time for this relationship\/our marriage is not on the calendar,\u201d like it wasn\u2019t for us. We said it was, but I let other things push it out. Even if we had a date night, and I got a speaking engagement that was going to pay me an honorarium, I was thinking, \u201cThat provides for the family. We can move the date night to the next night.\u201d\n\nGuess what happened? I would take the speaking engagements, so I would be gone. You would be home with the kids, and then we wouldn\u2019t go out the next night. The next thing you know; it is a month before we are spending time together, to say: \u201cThis relationship really matters.\u201d And things that matter get time on your calendar; right?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019m just saying that that\u2014to every wife\u2014says, \u201cI love you\u201d; right?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; I think what happens, as we gradually drift\u2014and that is what we say at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> getaways\u2014that if you aren\u2019t pursuing and persistently going after your relationship in a positive way of pouring into it, you will naturally drift toward isolation.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So here is the homework\u2014because here is what we are going to do in the next broadcast\u2014we are going to talk about three ways to really cherish and love your wife; but before we get there, here is your homework for tonight, guys:\n\nAsk her, \u201cWhat says I love you?\u201d I\u2019m not kidding\u2014tonight\u2014you don\u2019t even have to go on a date. If you can, go on a date with her; but if you can\u2019t, get the kids down or get whatever responsibilities you have put away; and sometime, before you go to bed tonight\u2014and I\u2019m putting this on the guy\/the husband\u2014turn to your wife and say, \u201cWhat makes you feel loved?\u201d and take notes. When she tells you, ask her follow-up questions, like, \u201cWhat does that look like? How do I do that?\u201d\n\nThis could change your entire marriage. By the way, this takes us all the way back to the beginning, when Peter said, \u201cLive with your wives in an understanding way.\u201d I don\u2019t think we understand our wives. It doesn\u2019t mean she is a weaker\u2014weaker vessel doesn\u2019t mean she\u2019s weaker emotionally\u2014it\u2019s talking about, physically, she might be weaker. She is probably stronger\u2014I\u2019ve noticed that with Ann\u2014she is stronger than I am emotionally; but I don\u2019t know what it means to live with her in an understanding way. How can I learn? I need to ask.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s great homework.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Then I need to apply.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Now, let me just say here, lest you think that homework assignment is just for people who have been married for five years or less. The process of living with your wife in an understanding way is a lifetime assignment, and things change over the years. Mary Ann and I have talked about the fact that what speaks love to her today is different than it was ten years ago. So for every husband to ask that question: \u201cWhat is it that makes you feel loved?\u201d Then, as Dave Wilson said, take notes; probe a little deeper: \u201cTell me more.\u201d That\u2019s a good homework assignment for <em>any<\/em> of us.\n\nYou know, Dave and Ann have written about how we can love and serve one another <em>better<\/em> in their book, <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em>, which is a classic book. In fact, we are making the book available this week to those of you who are regular <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners, who can help us with a donation. <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> would not be here if it weren\u2019t for listeners, like you, calling or going online and saying, \u201cWe believe in this ministry. It is helping us; we know it is helping others. We want to see it grow and expand. We want to help provide the fuel that helps <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> go farther.\u201d\n\nSo if you can help with a little gas money, make a donation today online at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Be sure to ask for your copy of the book, <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em>. We\u2019d love to send it to you as a way of saying, \u201cThank you for your support.\u201d If you already have a copy of <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em>, make a donation today and pass a copy on to someone you know in your church, someone in your community, someone at work. It\u2019s a great way to, maybe, open a spiritual conversation with somebody who you have been praying for. Again, you can make your donation at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to donate at 1-800-FL-TODAY.\n\nNow, I know that this is a time of year when a lot of church small groups are getting started up again. Maybe, you are in a small group, where you guys are going through a book study or something. At FamilyLife, we\u2019ve got a number of small group resources that couples have found very helpful. Recently, I did a series on my book, <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em>, a ten-part video series for couples to do in a small group setting. There are many of these small group studies available. You can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, to find out more about them.\n\nRight now, between now and February 18, at FamilyLifeToday.com, if you use the promo code, \u201cNEWYEAR2022,\u201d you\u2019ll save 25 percent off any small group order. Go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, if you are looking for something related to marriage or parenting for your small group. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com and check out what we\u2019ve got available. Again, use that promo code, \u201cNEWYEAR2022,\u201d to save 25 percent off.\n\nNow, husbands, does your wife know where she is on your priority list? For that matter, do <em>you<\/em> know where your wife is on your priority list? I don\u2019t mean: \u201cDo you know the <em>right<\/em> answer to that?\u201d \u201cWhat is the <em>real<\/em> answer to that? How is that being lived out in your marriage?\u201d Dave and Ann Wilson talk more about that tomorrow. I hope you can tune in for that.\n\nOn behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife, a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry.\n\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2022 FamilyLife. 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