{"id":307392,"date":"2022-02-04T08:02:15","date_gmt":"2022-02-04T13:02:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/marriage-and-sex-how-to-be-a-better-lover\/"},"modified":"2022-02-04T08:02:15","modified_gmt":"2022-02-04T13:02:15","slug":"marriage-and-sex-how-to-be-a-better-lover","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/marriage-and-sex-how-to-be-a-better-lover\/","title":{"rendered":"Marriage and Sex: How to Be a Better Lover"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Wondering how to be a better lover? Hosts Dave and Ann Wilson explain ways they were getting it all wrong&#8211;and their &#8220;aha&#8217;s&#8221; about great married sex.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2022-02-04.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:25:12","filesize":"23.07M","filesize_raw":"24189457","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2088],"tags":[4066,2877,2991],"podcast_series":[8501],"cwp_profile":[],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-307392","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-romance-and-sex","tag-intimacy","tag-marriage","tag-sex","podcast_series-marriage-and-intimacy","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/307392\/marriage-and-sex-how-to-be-a-better-lover","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/307392\/marriage-and-sex-how-to-be-a-better-lover","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"MRtEslfypq\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/marriage-and-sex-how-to-be-a-better-lover\/\">Marriage and Sex: How to Be a Better Lover<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/marriage-and-sex-how-to-be-a-better-lover\/embed\/#?secret=MRtEslfypq\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Marriage and Sex: How to Be a Better Lover&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"MRtEslfypq\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Wondering how to be a better lover? Hosts Dave and Ann Wilson explain ways they were getting it all wrong--and their \"aha's\" about great married sex.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2022-02-04.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We did something this week we\u2019ve never done before in the area of sex. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, that sounds intriguing. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That actually didn\u2019t come out right. [Laughter] I mean, what I was trying to say is: we took a sex assessment. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It was sort of a marriage assessment; but it was really focused on the sexual part of our marriage relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019m not sure we\u2019ve ever done one of those; have we? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> No, that\u2019s why I said it was unique. We\u2019ve <em>never<\/em> done it before.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I felt scared taking it; did you? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It was with FamilyLife\u2014obviously, we are on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>\u2014but it was an online course that FamilyLife has just created. You begin the course by taking an assessment of your own sex life in your marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So we both took the assessment. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014not together! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> No. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I took one\u2014\u201cHis Survey\u201d\u2014it was called. You took \u201cHer Survey.\u201d We got the same questions; I think they are the exact same questions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> They were; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Then you get sort of an assessment at the end: of how you rated happiness in your marriage, your sexual relationship, how you trust one another on a percentage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014how you think biblically about it\u2014there were a lot of different areas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> All I want to know is this\u2014because we haven\u2019t talked about this\u2014so we\u2019re talking about it, live on the air, with <em>thousands<\/em> of people listening to our intimate conversation about the intimate part of our marriage: \u201cWhat did you think? What did you think when you were answering the questions?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Honestly, I felt <em>guilty<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> About what? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I just thought, \u201cOh, I\u2019m failing.\u201d I think I have felt that over the years. I think, with this topic\u2014we have these peaks; we have these valleys; sometimes, it\u2019s just kind of flat-lined; there are times that it\u2019s great\u2014but I just felt like, \u201cI\u2019m not doing very well in this area, and Dave is probably disappointed.\u201d That\u2019s what I <em>felt<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I felt the same thing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Really? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; I mean, it was <em>very<\/em> revealing. As you take the assessment, you start thinking about things we haven\u2019t talked about in a long time. I felt like, \u201cWow. I\u2019m not doing a good job in this area of our marriage,\u201d for whatever reason. I didn\u2019t feel anything toward you, like, \u201cYou are letting me down.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t feel that either. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I felt like I\u2019m letting <em>you<\/em> down,\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s so interesting. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014because the questions get at things: \u201cHow you think about this\u2026\u201d \u201cHow your spouse thinks about this\u2026\u201d \u201cAre you happy in this area of your marriage?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cDo you pursue your spouse?\u201d \u201cAre you affectionate?\u201d \u201cAre you creative?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, I\u2019m like; \u201cEh,\u201d \u201cEh,\u201d \u201cEh.\u201d [Laughter] And we\u2019re super busy right now, which probably, in this phase of marriage, it should probably be the <em>best<\/em>; because we\u2019re older\u2014we\u2019ve been married 41 years\u2014we\u2019re free\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We\u2019ve got no kids running around the house. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> No kids waking us up at night. There\u2019s <em>no excuse<\/em>; that\u2019s what I\u2019m saying. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That gives me hope for the future. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>This is an area that is really hard to talk about. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Why do you think? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s so intimate; I think, for me, I\u2019m fearful that I\u2019m <em>not<\/em> doing a good job\u2014that I\u2019m not loving you as you long to be loved, because you\u2019ve told me\u2014so I feel like I\u2019m letting you down. Part of me is like, \u201cOkay, let\u2019s just not talk about it; because I don\u2019t want to be disappointed. I don\u2019t want to hear you are hurt.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That is so interesting, because I feel like <em>I\u2019m<\/em> failing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd, too, [the question]: \u201cLike even, physically, how you feel about yourself?\u201d I thought, \u201cMan, I don\u2019t feel very good about myself right now,\u201d and that affects the bedroom; it affects intimacy. I don\u2019t think we\u2019ve really talked about that in a long time either, so we need to talk about all these things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I can\u2019t believe we\u2019re doing this on air. This is <em>not<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> What are we doing? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014this is too intimate of a conversation. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Honestly, if it would help other people to have these conversations, and even taking this assessment, I think it\u2019s a really good tool. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, the tool is great; because I knew that as I was taking it: \u201cThis will <em>force<\/em> us\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cto talk about this.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Me too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s the good thing, because I think we\u2019re not the only couple that struggles to talk about this. I\u2019ve found\u2014as a pastor, and as a marriage writer, and cohost here\u2014it is easier to talk about it on stage or in a marriage conference\u2014even at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> we do a session on it\u2014than it is to talk about it <em>with you<\/em> in the kitchen or the bedroom. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s been a conflict of our marriage, because you\u2019ll bring things up on air\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cYou don\u2019t have to bring that up <em>now<\/em>.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014on air\u2014[whispering] like, \u201cWhy are we talking about this in front of <em>thousands<\/em> of people?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We\u2019re doing it right now. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I know! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, but you brought it up. Don\u2019t blame me; this one is on you. [Laughter] But no, I mean, it does [force us to talk about it]. I think couples, like us, struggle in the same way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Me too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s a <em>scary<\/em> topic. Here is what guys do: we joke about it in the locker room. Do you know why? Because we are afraid to have a really honest, real conversation about it, especially with our spouse. I want to encourage couples to do what we\u2019re trying to do right now: is you\u2019ve got to talk about this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, the assessment asks you questions like: \u201cDo you know what your spouse likes in the bedroom?\u201d If you can\u2019t answer that question, that means you haven\u2019t talked. You are not really honest even, maybe, when you are making love to be that vulnerable with one another. If you are not going to go there, you\u2019re <em>never<\/em> going to experience the intimacy God wants. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut if you are willing to take those risks that are scary, there is an intimacy that is beyond the physical\u2014that\u2019s beyond the sex part\u2014that is, soul to soul, in your marriage and not just in your bedroom; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And that is God\u2019s intent\u2014that we connect soul to soul\u2014because it\u2019s beautiful; it\u2019s intimate. It\u2019s how God designed us and why He designed the intimacy physically; it really <em>binds<\/em> us together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> As you say that, here is one of my thoughts: is, growing up, neither one of us were followers of Christ. We made poor decisions, sexually,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014with other people. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014before we were married with other people. When we started dating, we were like, \u201cWe\u2019re going to do this God\u2019s way.\u201d We were in a different place, spiritually. It was the only relationship that we remained virgins until our wedding; but in the other ones, we made bad decisions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things we had to reset was: \u201cGod says, \u2018A married couple making love is a beautiful thing; it\u2019s a good thing; it\u2019s something God wants.\u2019\u201d We had always seen sex as something you shouldn\u2019t do, because we heard that from the church; so it felt wrong and dirty to us. Then we get married; it\u2019s supposed to be beautiful and wonderful. It is like, \u201cHow do we shift our mind to that?\u201d\u2014right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, I remember being at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> getaway the first time we went. I remember them saying,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014as an engaged couple [we attended].\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; \u201cBring God into the bedroom.\u201d I was like, \u201cWhat?! That is messed up!\u201d That just felt so contrary to what I felt. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That meant: \u201cBring God\u2019s heart, bring God\u2019s perspective, bring God\u2019s Word on sex into your sexual relationship.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014because he\u2019s the Creator of it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yet, growing up, my past has pornography; it has sexual abuse. To bring God into that, it felt wrong. It felt like God was ashamed of me, and what had happened to me, and what I had done. I didn\u2019t want to bring Him in, because I felt like He would see the true nakedness and brokenness of my soul.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe truth is\u2014He does see all of that\u2014and He loves us; and He wants to repair us; He wants to heal us; He wants to heal our marriages. I think He is the only One who can do that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; and that\u2019s one of the reasons we\u2019re talking about this\u2014is, often, the church has been silent; and nobody is giving God\u2019s perspective\u2014that\u2019s why some people are hearing this conversation, and it\u2019s uncomfortable for them because nobody seems to be talking about it. We <em>need<\/em> to talk about this from God\u2019s Word\/to say: \u201cWhat is God\u2019s heart?\u201d \u201cGod created this; God is not ashamed of this,\u201d and \u201cGod wants to redeem and restore what\u2019s been broken in our lives, especially in this area.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe has done that for us. He wants to be a part of this conversation, because He redeems this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> One of the podcasts that I love to listen to about this topic is <em>Java with Juli<\/em>, who has been a guest on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. She\u2019s been a guest on the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> cruise. Man, she is just so good at bringing God\u2019s heart and view. She helps us, so we have a clip by Juli Slattery on this topic. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Audio from <em>The Nearly Complete Guide to Better Married Sex<\/em>] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Juli:<\/strong> I don\u2019t think God cares that much how great sex is in a moment; but He cares deeply about whether or not we\u2019re becoming lovers, whether we are becoming people who are sharing a journey of intimacy, whether we are learning to listen and understand, and forgive, and have fun. A lot of us have the wrong [idea of] \u201cwhat\u201d [sex is], and we get frustrated. I think we continually hear the \u201cwhat\u201d in the wrong way. We hear that sex is all about sexual activity instead of it being about sexual intimacy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere are some of you in this room, who have been married for <em>decades<\/em>, and you\u2019ve had sex with each other for decades; but you\u2019ve never been sexually intimate with each other. You\u2019ve shared your bodies, but you haven\u2019t shared your heart and your soul. You haven\u2019t worked through the issues that require love, and listening, and mercy, and sacrifice. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> All I can say is \u201cWow!\u201d I mean, here is what I\u2019m thinking: \u201cI have missed it so badly in this area\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> What do you mean? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cin our marriage.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat Juli was saying is exactly what I\u2019ve done. I remember we had conflicts about frequency of sex in our marriage, for years, especially when the kids were little toddlers. I would complain that you are not as interested in sex as I am, and it never dawned on me until you communicated\u2014and it took me <em>years<\/em> to understand\u2014that you are interested; you just looked at sex differently than me. I\u2019m thinking, \u201cNakedness in the bedroom.\u201d You\u2019re thinking, \u201cI long to be loved\u2014affection, conversation, non-sexual touch\u2014I want you to be intimate with me without just the physical sex part.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI always thought you\u2019re not interested. What I realize is you are <em>very<\/em> interested; you were <em>not feeling loved<\/em>. I was just blaming it all on you. I look back and say, \u201cI was the one missing it; I didn\u2019t understand how to really, really love you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I don\u2019t think I understood anything honestly; I think our pasts are so broken. I think most listeners would say, \u201cYes, my past is broken too.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo bring God into it, as Juli was describing that, I thought, \u201cOh, that is so beautiful; it\u2019s biblical.\u201d Of course, that\u2019s why God created it\u2014because not only are our bodies connected in oneness\u2014our spirit, our soul, our emotions\/everything\u2014becomes one. It\u2019s beautiful. I think we long for that; we just don\u2019t know how to get to that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, talk about what you\u2019ve tried to tell me, over the years, what that means to a woman, that it is beyond the physical; that it\u2019s beyond the sexual. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think it can feel like it\u2019s just an act\u2014like there is a beginning, and there is an end\u2014that\u2019s what our physical intimacy is about. But what you\u2019re saying is the same thing I was trying to communicate: I long to be touched, non-sexually; for you to pursue me and to want to be with me\u2014not only physically-speaking but emotionally\u2014all of that together makes it so beautiful. And you are loving me as a whole person, not just the physical part of intimacy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, I really sort of balked at that; I\u2019m like, \u201cYou don\u2019t want to make love.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You felt rejected. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; and you would say things like, \u201cWe haven\u2019t even <em>talked<\/em>.\u201d You didn\u2019t mean today; you meant this week, this month. There was part of me, at that time, who was like, \u201cWho cares?\u201d I really did; I was like, \u201cSo what?!\u201d It was so selfish of me not to understand you were saying, \u201cI long for more than just a sexual touch; I want to be intimate.\u201d It was your way of saying, \u201cWe haven\u2019t talked; we\u2019re not <em>connecting<\/em>.\u201d To go in the bedroom or wherever, and just do the physical act is just an act; and that doesn\u2019t make you feel loved. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, and just to kind of get into background: I think it\u2019s important for us to look into our backgrounds. Growing up [for me], there was absolutely no physical affection in our family: there were never hugs; there were never kisses\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> In your home, growing up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014appropriate [for family members]\u2014and there wasn\u2019t abuse in my home; it was <em>outside<\/em> of the home. As a result of that, the only time I had any kind of physical touch was through abuse. I carried that into our marriage. As we were married for a while, you stopped being affectionate with me, except in the bedroom; so that triggered all of my past stuff. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me just say this as well\u2014I remember, when we were going through seminary, and then later, as we were transitioning out of our church\u2014the times that you have been super, super stressed in your life, you haven\u2019t been as interested in physical intimacy\/in our sex life, which then made me feel like, \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with me? I must not be appealing to you.\u201d Then that takes you to a whole other area that can be really hard, and it feels vulnerable to talk about that; because I felt like, \u201cOh, am I not good enough?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We are being super honest on this topic. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOkay; I think it is time to play another clip\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014because we have let people into the depths of our\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh boy! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014marriage, our home, even our bedroom. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo we\u2019re going to go back and listen to another clip from the course. You can get the link to sign up for this online sex course at FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> On this course, not only is there assessment, but we will have these clips to be able to listen to. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; and then you\u2019re going to be able to talk with your spouse about these, like what we\u2019re doing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014what we\u2019re doing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We are sort of modeling for our listener what they will actually get to do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Audio from <em>The Nearly Complete Guide to Better Married Sex<\/em>] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Juli:<\/strong> Sexual intimacy, instead of compatibility and frequency, is about becoming lovers. What kind of <em>lover<\/em> are you? If I only looked at your sex life, would I conclude that you are a follower of Christ?\u2014the way you love your spouse sexually? It focuses, instead of on attraction, it focuses on intimate <em>connection<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy husband and I have been married 25 years; and even though our bodies have changed, the journey that we have shared together sexually, over 25 years, is so strong that we are attracted to each other; because we have a history together that no one else shares. It\u2019s just about us. It focuses on that shared journey of even the obstacles we\u2019ve faced, and we faced some significant obstacles. Those are the opportunity to become even more glued together through the fire, to learn to love each other more; and it focuses on: \u201cHow do we get our needs met? How do we serve each other both in and out of bed?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Boy, I thought what Juli said about: \u201cCould I tell you are a Christian by the way you are as a lover?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, what did you think of that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, I mean, my first thought was: \u201cIn the bedroom, you should be selfless. One of the distinct qualities that God transforms in our lives, when we come to Christ, is from selfishness to selflessness.\u201d I\u2019m not saying we have no selfishness left in us; but that is one of the distinct marks that should be there of a Christ-follower: is it\u2019s no longer about me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBoy, when you bring that into your married bedroom\u2014\u201cIt\u2019s not about my pleasure; it\u2019s not about me. It\u2019s about laying down my needs and desires to love and serve my spouse,\u201d\u2014to bring joy to her, as a husband. <em>That<\/em> is a beautiful thing. That\u2019s what married sex, in the covenant of marriage, as Christ-followers, should look like. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> As you say that, the thing that popped into my head was\u2014I mean, I don\u2019t even know if this is right or wrong; I\u2019m just kind of\/this is off the top of my head\u2014but I thought, \u201cIf you, maybe, give yourself away in the bedroom\u2014but in the home, your spouse is super negligent of you, of your kids, of your family\u2014but then he gets into the bedroom, and he is a servant, I am like, \u201cOh.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Are you talking about me right now? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> No! I\u2019m just saying\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think you are. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014this could be for anybody\u2014but I\u2019m just saying, \u201cIt all bleeds.\u201d I don\u2019t know if it does that for men; but as a woman, it bleeds into one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So you\u2019re saying: \u201cFor a woman, it doesn\u2019t work that way. You <em>can\u2019t<\/em> just be a servant in the bedroom if you\u2019re\u2026\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I mean, it is <em>awesome<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019m saying, \u201cThat is <em>awesome<\/em>.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut if one of the things that she was saying in the beginning\u2014she said, \u201cIf I only looked at your sex life,\u201d\u2014and you continued to where she was going\u2014\u201cwhat would it tell me about your spirit life?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was thinking, \u201cIf I only looked at your sex life, what would I conclude about your marriage?\u201d\u2014which is interesting. This is the part\u2014and I don\u2019t know if this is just me, and I don\u2019t want to make any generalizations because we are all different as men and women\u2014but if our marriage isn\u2019t doing well: if you are gone all the time; if you\u2019re not invested in our relationship, in our family\u2014that affects the bedroom. That is what I am saying. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo if you come into the bedroom, and you are a servant; you want to please me\u2014but you haven\u2019t pleased anywhere else, that gets tricky; because\u2014I don\u2019t know if men do this\u2014but my relationship with you is so tied to <em>everything<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Are you also saying that: \u201cA great marriage can lead to a great sex life\u201d\u2014not the other way around?\u2014in other words: \u201cA great sex life doesn\u2019t lead to a great marriage\u201d? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Maybe, a little bit. I mean, I think both are important; but yes, I think having a great marriage <em>produces<\/em> a great sex life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014which I think is the opposite of what the culture will tell you\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014almost like: \u201cMan, you can be hot in the bedroom; it\u2019s going to lead to this great marriage.\u201d It\u2019s like: \u201cNo; it doesn\u2019t always\/it hardly <em>ever<\/em> works that way.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s like a <em>great<\/em> relationship\u2014where, like you\u2019re saying, a husband is laying down his life to serve his wife as Christ did the church\u2014Ephesians 5\u2014where a wife is honoring and affirming and respecting her man\u2014and there is this real connection <em>outside<\/em> the bedroom, that leads to a lot hotter sex life <em>in<\/em> the bedroom. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, let\u2019s say somebody hooks up with someone before they are married\u2014you know that happens all the time\u2014and it was <em>amazing<\/em>. They think, \u201cOh, yes, this is going to be\u2014let\u2019s get married\u2014it\u2019s going to be great!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut we <em>all know<\/em>, once you get into marriage\u2014and you have the stress of life, and jobs, and kids, and the struggle of getting along\u2014it\u2019s not going to be like that first time, necessarily\u2014it can be\u2014but life affects our desire, sexually. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Even listening to Juli, it reminds me of what you\u2019ve said many times: \u201cI want to be a great lover outside the bedroom,\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014a servant. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014which means, \u201cI want to love you in a way that you feel loved,\u201d\u2014and you\u2019ve told me\u2014\u201cAnd you know what? If that has affects in the bedroom, great; if it doesn\u2019t, it doesn\u2019t matter. That is what I want to do; that is what I\u2019m called to do.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, I know how it will affect the bedroom: it\u2019s going to be a good\/much better if you are feeling loved <em>outside<\/em> the bedroom. I think what we\u2019re really trying to say\u2014it\u2019s right where we started\u2014this is an area that <em>deserves<\/em> you giving your all; that doesn\u2019t just mean in the bedroom. Obviously, we\u2019ve spent this whole time saying a lot of that is <em>outside<\/em> the bedroom. Give your marriage everything you\u2019ve got; and be willing to go to a scary area, which is talk about this area of your marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I would add: \u201cBefore you talk about this in your marriage, talk about this with Jesus.\u201d I would bring Him into the bedroom; talk to Him about all of these areas\u2014what you are thinking, what you are feeling, your insecurities, your fear, your frustration\u2014then I think that always helps, in your marriage, to pray with one another about this topic. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, it\u2019s an area you never think of praying about\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014with your spouse; but why not?!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Why not? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You pray about other things you do together. Why don\u2019t you ask God to bless this as well? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Because we live in a culture that has so perverted and so distorted what healthy, married sexuality is supposed to look like, it can be easy for all of us to approach this subject, thinking we are dealing with something that maybe we shouldn\u2019t even be talking about. And then there are couples, who are dealing with issues of shame and regret, that make it hard to have conversations about the whole area of marital intimacy and married sex. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is one of the reasons why, at FamilyLife, we\u2019ve put together a course\u2014it\u2019s an online course that couples can take together privately\u2014you do this on your own, as a couple, and learn, and grow, and interact, and help resolve some of the issues that you may be facing when it comes to marital intimacy; help your marriage be all God intends for it to be in this area. The online course is called <em>The Nearly Complete Guide to Better Married Sex<\/em>. It features Ron Deal and Juli Slattery. There are five sessions; there is an assessment that couples take before you begin watching the sessions together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere are activities to do; there is a devotion for couples to work through; there are other resources that are made available to you. All of this is something, again, you do together on your own in private. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about how you can enroll in <em>The Nearly Complete Guide to Better Married Sex<\/em> from FamilyLife. There is a link available on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com. If you have any questions, give us a call at 1-800-FL-TODAY; and we trust your time as a couple, engaging with this content, is going to enable you to have the kind of marriage God wants you to have, especially in this area of marital intimacy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you have a great weekend this weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church. We hope you can join us on Monday when we\u2019re going to continue to talk about the distorted and confused picture of sex that exists in our culture and talk about how we engage with our children on this subject, because the culture is having the conversation with them. So what do we do? How do we interact with them? How do we know what to say? Sean McDowell joins us Monday. We hope you can be here as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOn behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back Monday for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife, a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2022 FamilyLife. 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