{"id":307390,"date":"2022-02-03T08:02:58","date_gmt":"2022-02-03T13:02:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/marriage-and-sex-what-no-one-is-talking-about\/"},"modified":"2022-02-03T08:02:58","modified_gmt":"2022-02-03T13:02:58","slug":"marriage-and-sex-what-no-one-is-talking-about","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/marriage-and-sex-what-no-one-is-talking-about\/","title":{"rendered":"Marriage and Sex: What No One Is Talking About"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Wonder why people struggle with marriage intimacy, if it&#8217;s supposed to be so natural? On FamilyLife Today, hosts Dave and Ann Wilson share some of the most important things about sex you&#8217;ve probably never heard.<br \/>\nShow Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tSee The (Nearly) Complete Guide to Better Married Sex<br \/>\n \tFind resources from this podcast at shop.familylife.com.<br \/>\n \tFind more content and resources on the FamilyLife&#8217;s app!<br \/>\n \tHelp others find Familylife.\u00a0 Leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify.<br \/>\n \tCheck out all the Familylife&#8217;s on the FamilyLife Podcast Network&lt;\/a<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If sex is supposed to be natural, why&#8217;s it so &#8212; complicated? Hosts Dave and Ann Wilson share some of the need-to-know about sex that no one&#8217;s talking about.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2022-02-03.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:25:25","filesize":"23.27M","filesize_raw":"24395517","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2088],"tags":[7030],"podcast_series":[8501],"cwp_profile":[],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-307390","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-romance-and-sex","tag-what-no-one-is-talking-about","podcast_series-marriage-and-intimacy","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/307390\/marriage-and-sex-what-no-one-is-talking-about","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/307390\/marriage-and-sex-what-no-one-is-talking-about","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"jH52AA9aTy\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/marriage-and-sex-what-no-one-is-talking-about\/\">Marriage and Sex: What No One Is Talking About<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/marriage-and-sex-what-no-one-is-talking-about\/embed\/#?secret=jH52AA9aTy\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Marriage and Sex: What No One Is Talking About&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"jH52AA9aTy\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"If sex is supposed to be natural, why's it so -- complicated? Hosts Dave and Ann Wilson share some of the need-to-know about sex that no one's talking about.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2022-02-03.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I always love talks that start this way: \u201cWhat no one is telling you about\u2026\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Me too.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Don\u2019t you?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, because it hooks you in.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s like you\u2019re going to get backstage; you\u2019re going to get inside the truth, when everybody is talking about, but no one is telling you <em>this<\/em>! Today, we get to do that about a very sensitive topic\u2014what nobody is telling you about married sex\u2014are you excited?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Um\u2026 [Laughter]\n\nWelcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I don\u2019t ever remember hearing God\u2019s perspective, or even what God\u2019s Word says about sex,\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, me neither!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014growing up.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> No.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> My mom\/basically, I went to church almost every Sunday with my mom. I remember one sermon, when I was a kid growing up, from the pastor on Sunday morning about sex. Here is all I remember\u2014he said it was wrong; it was dirty; it was bad\u2014if you do it, you\u2019ll go bald. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> He did not say that!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> He didn\u2019t say the bald part, but I remember the other part. By the way, I am pretty bald, so what is that telling you? [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s so funny.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Anyway\u2014yes, I think that is a funny joke\u2014I tell you: when you talk about this topic, sometimes, you\u2019ve got to bring a little humor; because it\u2019s not always the easiest thing to talk about,\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014especially as I\u2019m sitting here, looking across at my wife, who we have been married 41 years. This has not been an easy topic to talk about, even in our own home.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Why do you think that is? For most couples, I think that\u2019s true.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think it\u2019s scary.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Because?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> There is a fear that: \u201cI\u2019m not enough for you,\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re disappointed in me.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014insecurity.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Again, it\u2019s not an easy topic to talk about. It\u2019s hard for us, as parents, to talk about with our kids; and yet, it is <em>critical<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Because the culture is talking about it constantly.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> They are talking about it in ways that we would say, \u201cOh! That\u2019s not the biblical viewpoint; because God does have a game plan, and He has a purpose.\u201d We had <em>never<\/em> heard that before, so I think this is a <em>great<\/em> thing to talk about.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; so we\u2019re going to talk about it for two days: today, what no one is telling you about sex. Tomorrow, you get to take an online assessment that FamilyLife has put together for an online sex course that is very helpful\u2014that we\u2019ve done\u2014that we\u2019re going to walk you through what that looks like.\n\nBut today, let\u2019s talk about what no one is telling you about sex, which is really: \u201cWhat are the lies? What are the truths about sex?\u201d Here is one interesting statistic: \u201cMarried couples are having less sex today than ever in the last three decades.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We\u2019ve seen that because we\u2019ve been speaking at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway for 30 years, and I think that is very true.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So why?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, what do you think?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019m asking <em>you<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019m asking you.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You\u2019re going to throw every question about this topic back to me.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, I\u2019m totally doing that. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think there is a lot going on in our culture today. I think porn has a lot to do with that\u2014that there are some struggles in marriages\u2014where men <em>and<\/em> women are looking at porn outside the bedroom.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So there is self-gratification.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think that, and I think it\u2019s just something that is very difficult to talk about. That\u2019s why we\u2019re talking about it. It\u2019s like, \u201cOkay, what is God\u2019s heart?\u201d\n\nLet\u2019s just give a couple thoughts, in the time that we have, to sort of debunk some myths. Here is one that I think would shock most people: \u201cIf you want to have great sex, go to church.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Like, \u201cWhat?!\u201d People just said, \u201cWhat?!\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Now, I don\u2019t mean go to church and have great sex. I mean, if you want to have great sex, you need to bring God\u2019s perspective\u2014God\u2019s Word; God\u2019s heart\u2014into the bedroom\/into this area of your relationship. When I say, \u201cGo to church,\u201d I mean, \u201cGet God\u2019s heart around this.\u201d\n\nIt\u2019s really interesting; there have been several studies done over the decades that asked, basically, American couples, \u201cHow is your sex life?\u201d Here is what is really interesting. Almost every one of those studies have found that the best sex\u2014and again, this is a couple saying, \u201cWe enjoy our sex life,\u201d\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> They are both\u2014the husband and the wife\u2014are saying they <em>both<\/em> enjoy it.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014the best sex, being had in America, is by Christians. Now, that\u2019s <em>shocking<\/em>!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> How would you define Christians?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Followers of Christ\u2014people who go to church; they say: \u201cI believe in God,\u201d \u201cI believe in the Bible,\u201d \u201cI believe what the Bible says about sex,\u201d\u2014they are in a covenant of marriage. They [Researchers] are saying they [Christians] are the most happiest in their marriages in the bedroom than other couples.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Now, let me just\u2014some of you are listening, thinking, \u201cOkay, I was really <em>hurt<\/em> by the church and what they said about sex,\u201d\u2014because we had a recent conversation with Juli Slattery and Ron Deal about the whole purity culture time, where some people felt hurt and, maybe, they were told: \u201cIf you stay pure until you are married, it will result in the perfect sex life.\u201d That\u2019s not always the case.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, we\u2019re not saying that, if you do everything exactly the way God wants you to, it\u2019s going to mean instantaneous, wonderful, miraculous sex once you get married, which was some of the belief of that whole movement. In a lot of ways, there is a lot of good in that. We talked about that when we talked about the purity culture; but there was sort of this: \u201cIf I do this, I get this\u2026\u201d\u2014which means\u2014\u201cSex will be easy and wonderful in marriage.\u201d That\u2019s <em>not<\/em> what we are saying.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But what we are saying, when you bring God into the bedroom and do sex His way, couples are saying they are happiest in their marriage, which is a beautiful thing.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s really interesting. One of the passages that you look at\u2014when you think about: \u201cOkay, what is God\u2019s perspective on sex?\u201d\u2014is found in 1 Corinthians, where Paul is writing a letter to this church in Corinth, which, by the way, was having all kinds of issues with sex outside of marriage.\n\nHe is trying to say, \u201cOkay, let me help you understand God\u2019s perspective of this.\u201d He says, \u201cSex is reserved for the covenant of marriage between one man and one woman.\u201d He puts boundaries around it and says, \u201cYou can do whatever you want; but I\u2019m telling you the best sex is going to be done the way God wants it: one man, one woman, covenant of marriage for life.\u201d That\u2019s what\u2014when you do research\u2014you find out what couples are finding out: \u201cYes, that\u2019s the way God wants it to be done.\u201d\n\nYou look at 1 Corinthians 7\u2014now, listen to this\u2014I want you to respond to this.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> He says, \u201cThe husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife; and likewise, the wife to her husband. The wife\u2019s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband\u2019s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.\u201d\n\nIf you are trying to take that prescription from God into your married life, and your sexual relationship, how do you apply that?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I mean, I\u2019m looking at that, thinking, \u201cThis is important to God.\u201d Personally, I think between the two of us, when this is a regular rhythm in our lives\u2014I mean, just love making\/sex\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Everybody is saying, \u201cWhat\u2019s regular? How many times a the week?\u201d We\u2019re not going to give you a number.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right; but when it\u2019s a rhythm in our lives, there is a closeness. There is an intimacy that\u2019s beautiful\u2014it\u2019s a spiritual intimacy; it\u2019s a physical intimacy\u2014and it\u2019s beautiful. When there is a neglect in this area, I feel distant from you. I think that is what God is saying, like, \u201cThis is important. It\u2019s part of the covenant of marriage; it will bring you together.\u201d God never gives us instruction that will cause us harm. It\u2019s like, \u201cThis will be for your good, and it will be for the good of your marriage.\u201d I really believe it is bringing Jesus into every area of our lives and our marriage.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; and I think one of the things we don\u2019t always understand: when you bring God into your bedroom, or you bring God\u2019s heart and perspective into your sexual relationship, it changes everything; because it puts a covenant around your marriage. It puts selflessness\u2014hopefully, God is transforming your heart into the bedroom, which leads to better sex\u2014if it\u2019s not about me, it\u2019s about you; and it\u2019s about mutual pleasure, not just my pleasure. It changes everything. I think that\u2019s why couples would say, as Christ-followers, they are having a better sex life.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> What if one of you is like, \u201cYes, I want to do this; I want to bring Jesus into this\u201d; and the other one is like, \u201cNo, I don\u2019t care about that. This isn\u2019t important, and I\u2019m not really about bringing God into the bedroom\u201d?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> My first thought is: \u201cYou cannot control your spouse; you can only control yourself.\u201d I would get on my knees and pray that God would change my heart and pray that God would change her heart or his heart.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I mean, that is what I would do too. If there is any kind of abuse going on, then that\u2019s a different story; but we\u2019re talking about good-willed people. I would definitely be on my knees, praying\/talking about this, saying, \u201cI desire this area to be great.\u201d So yes, I would say the same thing.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> This would be one of those areas in your marriage that we often don\u2019t pray about. Why not?!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Pray about your sex life. If your spouse will pray with you about this, pray about that together. I mean, that\u2019s a very intimate thing.\n\nThe first thought is: \u201cIf you want to have great sex, go to church\u201d; in other words, \u201cBring God into your bedroom.\u201d The second thought that I don\u2019t think anybody is telling anybody about sex is: \u201cYour marriage bed is <em>crowded<\/em>.\u201d Again, that is just our way of saying what we have to understand\u2014and Galatians 6 says this\u2014\u201cWhat a man sows, he will therefore reap,\u201d which also means: what a woman sows, they will reap.\n\nIn other words, what you\u2019ve done in the past, what you\u2019ve been <em>taught<\/em> in the past\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014what your parents taught you.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014in other words, all that stuff in the area of the sexual relationship\u2014ends up in the marriage bed. It\u2019s like a <em>crowded<\/em> bed.\n\nI know that is a strange way to say it; but if you\u2019ve had past sexual experiences, you think they are just in the past. Here\u2019s what our culture says: \u201cHave sex with anybody; it\u2019s just a hookup\u2014hookup culture\u2014it\u2019s no big deal. It\u2019s not going to affect you in any way; it\u2019s just a hookup.\u201d Oh, yes; it will affect you. Am I right?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, yes; I mean, this is the point I want to cry about, because we experienced it in our marriage. I mean, I\u2019m thinking about my exposure to porn, from four years old through high school; past sexual abuse\u2014I brought that into our bed\u2014people\/like people that I had sex with, before I was married, at age 16.\n\nThen I become a believer, and I\u2019m following Jesus. I\u2019m thinking, \u201cOh, Lord, I give You this area,\u201d not realizing that all those things affected the way I view sex, the way I respond, the way I see you [Dave], the way I see our marriage. There is a beauty to it [with God\u2019s healing]; like it sounds awful. I think one of the other things is I didn\u2019t know that you had a problem looking at women; and there was a very brief time, at the beginning of our marriage, that you struggled with porn. Talk about making our bed crowded\u2014like all of that is so hard\u2014and yet, as we talked about it, we dealt with it. I mean, I had some counseling classes. We read books about abuse of how that affects your marriage. That made us better when we talked about it, prayed about it, asked God to heal it; and it certainly didn\u2019t happen overnight; but man, it created an intimacy more than just physically; it was emotionally and spiritually.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, and I think what the culture is not telling you is that. They are telling you a lie, which says, \u201cIt\u2019s separate: what you did in the past\u2014if you looked at porn\u2014it\u2019s like this separate part of your life. Like it\u2019s over there, but it\u2019s not really going to affect your marriage bed.\u201d\n\nNow, you\u2019re married; you are in a covenant. The truth is\u2014what no one is telling you is\u2014\u201cNo; all of that is <em>connected<\/em>, because sex is more than physical. It is soul; you are bringing your soul. So all of that is connected in your bedroom.\n\nIt is interesting\u2014again, back to the book of Corinthians, what Paul wrote about this area\u2014very interesting. He said, in 1 Corinthians 6:12, \u201cEverything is permissible for me, but not everything is beneficial.\u201d In other words, we have freedom\u2014God gives us freedom to live\u2014but that doesn\u2019t mean everything you can do is going to be beneficial. Then, he talks about the sexual relationship. In verse 18, he says, \u201cFlee from sexual immorality.\u201d\n\nThe actual word there is <em>porneia<\/em>\u2014that means any kind of sexual activity outside of marriage\u2014\u201cFlee; run from it.\u201d It says, \u201cAll other sins a man commits are outside his body; but he who sins sexually sins against his own body,\u201d which I think is a way that Paul and God are saying to us, \u201cYou don\u2019t understand. Sexual sin is uniquely different, because it\u2019s soul. There is a heaviness to it that you\u2019ve got to understand that, man, when you make bad decisions in this area, it comes into your marriage bed.\u201d\n\nBut with all that being said: \u201cGod redeems;\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cGod forgives. God takes the mess that we\u2019ve made in our lives and miraculously makes something beautiful.\u201d You said it earlier; we\u2019ve <em>experienced<\/em> that because we brought bad decisions into our bedroom, not realizing\u2014even in year one; we experienced it in year one of our marriage\u2014decisions we had made in the past with other people were affecting our marriage and our marriage bed.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, talk about what your seminary thesis was.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, I mean, I decided to study the effects of premarital sex on married happiness\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Because?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014because I had seen it in <em>our<\/em> marriage. Not too many seminary theses are written on this\u2014and it didn\u2019t even get finished\u2014but the study I did highlighted what we were seeing. The reason I wanted to do it is we were experiencing this: \u201cIs this common?\u201d Yes, I found out it is very, very common. What I didn\u2019t know\u2014and now, I know then and, now, 40 years later\u2014is God meets you right there. He redeems our lives from the pit. He can bring beauty to your marriage and, even, to your sexual relationship in your marriage.\n\nI mean, you went through sexual abuse\u2014and God\u2014it came up in our marriage.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It was something you [Ann] had to deal with. I had, as your partner, to come through and say, \u201cOkay, I\u2019m going to walk with you through this as well.\u201d Now, we look back and say, \u201cGod is a healer; God is a forgiver. God meets us.\u201d It was actually something that was very hard but beautiful in our marriage; right?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, I think it\u2019s so important to talk about these things. If you decide to do the sex assessment, it gets into some of this\u2014into the past\u2014I think it can just create some good conversations to have.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Okay, we\u2019ve got time for one more. But just to review the things that no one is telling you about sex: the first one was: \u201cIf you want to have great sex, go to church; bring God\u2019s heart and perspective into your bedroom.\u201d\n\nSecondly\u2014was so important\u2014\u201cYour marriage bed is crowded\u201d; in other words, \u201cWhat you\u2019ve done in the past is going to show up in the present.\u201d <em>But<\/em> I just want to highlight\u2014so no one forgets this\u2014\u201cGod redeems; God heals; God forgives. Don\u2019t you <em>ever<\/em> forget that. That is the beauty of God turning ashes to beauty.\u201d\n\nNow, the third one: \u201cGreat sex is really hard work.\u201d \u201cGreat sex is really, really, really hard, hard, hard work,\u201d\u2014I\u2019m kidding, but I\u2019m not kidding\u2014it\u2019s like it\u2019s this lie or this myth\u2014and we believed it; or at least, I did\u2014it\u2019s like: \u201cOh, are you getting married?! Sex is going to be awesome; it\u2019s going to be wonderful. It\u2019s going to be easy, especially if you do it\u2019s God\u2019s way. If you save it for the covenant of marriage, and then you get married, it\u2019s like, \u2018It\u2019s going to be awesome.\u2019 And it isn\u2019t always that awesome and that easy; it\u2019s really, really hard work.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s so funny. One of our sons\u2014it was our first son [who] got married\u2014and he was in the bathroom, getting ready. His younger brother came in, who was still in high school, into the bathroom. I think he was maybe a junior or sophomore; and he said to his brother, \u201cMan, do you realize what\u2019s going to happen tonight?! You\u2019re going to get to start having sex like several times every single day of your life.\u201d\n\nI was just walking past them, and I heard that conversation. I was like, \u201cOh no! I need to have a conversation with him.\u201d I remember later, saying, \u201cSo, when you get married, do you think that is going to be happening every day?\u201d He goes, \u201cWell, several times a day!\u201d I said, \u201cOh, it would probably be good for all of us to have a discussion about the reality of what that looks like\u2014because that can happen, and it would be <em>great<\/em>\u2014but man, it\u2019s not always easy.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Also, when you have kids\u2014and life goes on\u2014remember the picture they sent us? That <em>same<\/em> son\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh yes! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014sent us a picture of their bedroom, years later. They have four little kids now. There was a slide\u2014there was Little Tyke<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> slide <em>on<\/em> their bed\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014into this bunch of pillows at the foot of their bed. I\u2019m like, \u201cYes, how much sex are they having right now?\u201d I mean, we were there: you\u2019ve got little kids, and they are waking up at night. I mean, it\u2019s hard work at different stages.\n\nBut it\u2019s also\u2014one of the reasons that I found out it was such hard work is I really didn\u2019t understand how you [Ann] viewed this. We talk about this at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway. We do a whole session on God\u2019s perspective on sex; and one of the things we talk about is how men and women are different, not just physically, but even in our thinking about this.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, I don\u2019t know\u2014and we\u2019ve shared this before, so some people have heard this\u2014but I don\u2019t know if all women are like this; I feel like a lot of us can be wired like this\u2014where for you [Dave] sex can be in a compartment. Men can be more compartmentalized than some women. So if you think this is happening tonight, that\u2019s the only thing on your mind, where I know this is happening tonight; but I am thinking about a million other things, like: \u201cDo we have milk in the refrigerator for the morning?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> By the way, we\u2019re not saying we walk around the house, looking at each other, like, \u201cThis is happening tonight.\u201d [Laughter]There are just times you know\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014kind of\u2014that\u2019s <em>exactly<\/em> what it\u2019s like; yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014you give each other the look.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So I\u2019m like: \u201cDo we have milk? Do I have enough to pack a lunch?\u201d \u201cMy mom is sick,\u201d \u201cI need to get a birthday present for my friend,\u201d \u201cI haven\u2019t worked out in five weeks, and I feel terrible about myself.\u201d So women\u2014a lot of times, we are carrying the load of so much on our mind\u2014\u201cI don\u2019t like my job,\u201d \u201cI feel like I\u2019m not getting along with a friend.\u201d\n\nHere you are, with one thing on your mind; I\u2019m carrying a <em>million<\/em> different things.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I mean, I\u2019m in the bedroom, <em>waiting<\/em>\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014because I\u2019ve got one thing on my mind.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You come walking in, with all of these\u2014and when you do this on stage, and some of you have seen it in our <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em> small group study\u2014you show this with luggage. Literally, you pick up bag, after bag, after bag\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014to show what women feel like as they walk into the room. They have <em>all<\/em> this on their mind.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; and [I\u2019m] thinking, like as I\u2019m crawling into bed, \u201cDid I give the dog water tonight?\u201d So here you are\u2014you\u2019re already in third gear\u2014and I\u2019m <em>cold<\/em>; I\u2019m like, \u201cI\u2019ve got nothing going on except all of my thoughts.\u201d That\u2019s so frustrating.\n\nI remember sharing this with you the first time; and you\u2019re like, \u201cThat\u2019s the most <em>depressing<\/em> thing.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It was. But the thing is, when you share this on stage at our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> or the <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em> weekends we do, women start <em>cheering<\/em> as you\u2019re doing this.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I had a man come up to me and said, \u201cHonestly, I thought my wife was the only one. I thought I should divorce her; like this is horrible.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And they are cheering, because\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014they <em>relate<\/em>. A lot of women feel that very same thing.\n\nWhat I\u2019ll say\u2014even to the men, who could be feeling like, \u201cOh, that\u2019s so depressing,\u201d\u2014\u201cThis is where God comes in; and we become selfless, and we serve one another.\u201d\u00a0 I say to the men, \u201cIf you just said to your wife, \u2018What\u2019s the heaviest thing you are carrying right now?\u2019 and \u2018What can I take off <em>your<\/em> plate and put it on <em>my<\/em> plate to help you?\u2019 that could be the most <em>romantic<\/em> thing you could do today.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes\u2014and the truth is: \u201cWhy we say really great sex is hard work,\u201d is\u2014if you are willing to do that work; in other words, when I started to understand <em>that\u2019s<\/em> how your mind is\/it\u2019s carrying all this\u2014at first, I was like, \u201cCome on!\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And some men do that\u2014let\u2019s just say\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, it could be men [carrying a lot on their mind].\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014yes, they are carrying a lot too.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But what I had to learn to do\u2014and this is where the selflessness comes in when Christ transforms you from the inside out\u2014it\u2019s not about me; it\u2019s about: \u201cHow do I love you?\u201d The hard work was: \u201cHelp me understand that.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, I remember saying to you: \u201cCan you just rub my back for like two minutes?\u201d You are like, \u201cWhat?!\u201d That was a gift to me that I could just unwind and release all the things I was carrying in my mind.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Two minutes in the bedroom feels like watching <em>The Lord of the Rings<\/em>. It\u2019s like, \u201cTwo minutes?! That\u2019s forever!\u201d\u2014[Laughter]\u2014we\u2019re joking.\n\nBut doing the hard work of: understanding one another,\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014of understanding how our marriage bed is crowded, and understanding God\u2019s heart on this\u2014all the things we just talked about\u2014that hard work is worth the pay off. I\u2019m not just talking great sex, but I\u2019m talking a <em>great<\/em> marriage relationship,\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s a union of the soul.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014which is what God wants. More than the bedroom, He wants you to be connected in the covenant of marriage, which will overflow into something beautiful, even in your bedroom.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I know, for so many couples, the issue of marital intimacy and how we come together as husband and wife is an area that is fraught with challenges\/with issues; and it feels like there is no place to go to get the help you need. This is very personal, and so it\u2019s not something you can just talk with your friends about. This is one of the reasons why, here at FamilyLife, we\u2019ve put together a private online course that husbands and wives can go through together. It\u2019s called <em>The Nearly Complete Guide to Better Married Sex<\/em>. It features Ron Deal and Juli Slattery offering counsel and advice on how husbands and wives can experience what God intends for us to experience in the area of marital oneness and marital intimacy.\n\nThere are five sessions in this online course. There is an assessment you take as a couple at the beginning of the course. Then each session includes a video from Ron Deal and Juli Slattery, offering counsel and insight on the subject of marital intimacy. There are activities for you to do as a couple; additional audio resources; there are devotions for couples to go through, and read, and pray together. All of this is available for you to use, privately, as a couple. You can get more information about it when you go online to FamilyLifeToday.com; look for <em>The Nearly Complete Guide to Better Married Sex<\/em>. Again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com; and the information is available there. If you have any questions, give us a call at 1-800-FL-TODAY; 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\nNow, tomorrow, have you ever asked yourself the question: \u201cDoes it really matter to God whether we are experiencing oneness in every dimension of our marriage, including marital intimacy\/our married sex?\u201d Dave and Ann Wilson will talk about that tomorrow. I hope you can tune in for that.\n\nOn behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife, a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry.\n\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2022 FamilyLife. 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