{"id":307316,"date":"2021-12-06T08:02:45","date_gmt":"2021-12-06T13:02:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/beating-back-bitterness\/"},"modified":"2021-12-06T08:02:45","modified_gmt":"2021-12-06T13:02:45","slug":"beating-back-bitterness","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/beating-back-bitterness\/","title":{"rendered":"Beating Back Bitterness"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>What&#8217;s it look like to combat bitterness? Pastor and author Stephen Viars explores the power of lament to give voice and resolution to our deepest grief.<br \/>\nShow Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tFind resources from this podcast at shop.familylife.com.<br \/>\n \tDownload FamilyLife&#8217;s new app!<br \/>\n \tCheck out all that&#8217;s available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What&#8217;s it look like to combat bitterness?  Pastor and author Stephen Viars explores the power of lament to give voice and resolution to our deepest grief.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-12-06.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:29:12","filesize":"26.74M","filesize_raw":"28034607","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2873],"tags":[2990,2698,2699],"podcast_series":[8492],"cwp_profile":[9749],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-307316","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-mental-and-emotional-issues","tag-anger","tag-bitterness","tag-forgiveness","podcast_series-overcoming-bitterness","cwp_profile-stephen-viars","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/307316\/beating-back-bitterness","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/307316\/beating-back-bitterness","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"sAbxATQqmB\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/beating-back-bitterness\/\">Beating Back Bitterness<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/beating-back-bitterness\/embed\/#?secret=sAbxATQqmB\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Beating Back Bitterness&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"sAbxATQqmB\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-12-06.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-12-06.mp3"],"transcript_content":["Beating Back Bitterness\n\nGuest: Stephen Viars\nFrom the series: Overcoming Bitterness (Day 1 of 3)\nAir date: December 6, 2021\n\nDave: So a lot of our listeners, unfortunately or fortunately, know the drama of our ten-year anniversary date; that\u2019s the basis of our Vertical Marriage book. I want to ask you because\u2014you know, I\u2019ve heard you tell this story a thousand times of how you lost your feelings for me\u2014but when you describe what you felt, you say you went from anger to resentment to bitterness.\n\nAnn: Yes.\n\nDave: Talk about that a little bit.\n\nAnn: Well, it\u2019s interesting because it was different. I remember when I was angry with you, like, \u201cOh, this is just wrong\u201d; it felt wrong. But then that anger turned to resentfulness\u2014like I\u2019m mad at you\u2014but I\u2019m also now resentful. But then something happened in my heart that became toxic, I feel like\u2014like it was poisoning every part of me\u2014that I didn\u2019t like you at all, and nothing you could do would make me happy. You felt it, because we lived that!\n\nDave: I\u2019m smiling though, because how could I think we were doing great? [Laughter]\n\nAnn: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\nDave: And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife\u00ae app.\n\nAnn: This is FamilyLife\u2014\n\nDave: \u2014Today.\n\nI mean, I knew you were mad; and you know, we were yelling, often, as I was going to another church meeting.\n\nBut when you talk about bitterness\u2014I know that feeling\u2014so I\u2019m like, \u201cThat\u2019s deeper; that\u2019s inside.\u201d It\u2019s something that we carry, and I don\u2019t think we know how to get rid of.\n\nAnn: Right.\n\nDave: So we\u2019re going to talk about bitterness; but more importantly, how it affects our lives and how we can negotiate it. We have the man to do it with us today; Stephen Viars is with us. He\u2019s written a book on bitterness, Overcoming Bitterness.\n\nBut first of all, let me say, \u201cWelcome to Family Life. I think you\u2019re going to help us [Laughter] and a lot of other people today.\u201d\n\nStephen: Well, and I really hope that\u2019s true. It\u2019s a delight to be here. My goal is just to point all of us to Jesus Christ and point us to the truth of the Word of God. He will never disappoint us; will He?\n\nDave: No.\n\nStephen: And the great thing is there\u2019s hope in this topic; it\u2019s a sad topic. I think about the men and women, who might listen to this program, and this one hurts. But the good news is there\u2019s a way out, and our sweet Savior stands ready to help us overcome bitterness.\n\nDave: Yes; even as I read your book\u2014and I know you\u2019re not just an author\u2014you\u2019re actually, I said this at lunch, a very unique blend of: you\u2019re a lead pastor of a church in Lafayette, Indiana;\u2014\n\nAnn: \u2014Faith Church\n\nDave: \u2014and yet, you have this counseling side and bent; because you lead a counseling ministry. You have\/I mean, we sat at lunch and I heard all these amazing things you\u2019re doing in the counseling world.\n\nYou\u2019re married; three kids, four grandkids?\n\nStephen: Yes.\n\nDave: You know, I\u2019ve got to tell you, when I was reading your book, Overcoming Bitterness: Moving from Life\u2019s Greatest Hurts to a Life Filled with Joy, that\u2019s a big move\u2014\n\nStephen: It is.\n\nDave: \u2014from hurt, not just to better, to joy.\n\nStephen: That\u2019s right.\n\nDave: I told Ann, as I was reading it, I was like, \u201cWow! The bitterness I thought I was over in my life [Laughter]; it\u2019s still looming there pretty big.\u201d\n\nLet\u2019s talk, because I haven\u2019t seen a lot of books written about this. You see forgiveness books, and you talk a lot about that in the book, but to center on the bitterness that\u2019s in our life. Help us understand sort of the root: \u201cWhere does this come from? How does it manifest itself in a person\u2019s life?\u201d\n\nStephen: That\u2019s one of the things I love about the sufficiency of the Word of God. Scripture doesn\u2019t just call upon us to change things behaviorally\u2014so it\u2019s not simply: \u201cHey, start doing this,\u201d or \u201cStop doing that,\u201d\u2014I\u2019m so glad that we have a Savior, who loves us much more comprehensively than that.\n\nAs I got into the study in the Scripture of the topic of bitterness, you find it played off in three very separate categories. The first is the one we just talked about: bitter words or bitter behavior. We all know what that feels like. In fact, the Hebrew word, mara, means the poisonous bile from the gall bladder of all things. I love how God is just so picturesque. We know what bitter speech is; we know what bitter behavior is. That\u2019s one category that\u2019s very obvious to us.\n\nBut when you start unpacking the Word of God, it uses that word group\u2014mara, in Old Testament; pikr\u00f3s in the New Testament\u2014the word, \u201cbitter,\u201d [is] in two other categories. One that really surprised me was bitter circumstances. This is why none of us can say \u201cWell, I don\u2019t have any bitterness in my life.\u201d Sure we do, because we live in a sin-cursed world. So bitterness in the Bible is not, first, something I do; it\u2019s first, something I face. I face bitter circumstances every day. Every one of our listeners faces bitter circumstances every day.\n\nSo for example, you have Joseph, whose story comprises a rather significant percentage of the book of Genesis. Well, on his daddy\u2019s deathbed, he [Jacob] gathers all the brothers around; and he starts making these pronouncements about what their lives were like and what their lives are going to be like. When he gets to Joseph, he says, \u201cThe archer shot bitter arrows at you.\u201d You talk about an awkward moment; I mean, who\u2019s he talking about? [Laughter]\n\nDave: Right.\n\nStephen: He\u2019s talking about Joseph\u2019s own brothers,\u2014\n\nAnn: \u2014brothers.\n\nStephen: \u2014and here\u2019s what that tells us. Joseph was not responsible for that. Bitterness was not, first, something he did. It was, first, something that he faced. That story also gives us great hope. Joseph did not let the bitter treatment by his brothers make him a bitter person. There\u2019s hope in that.\n\nAnother example of that is Hannah. Hannah struggled with infertility. What a terrible thing for a woman to have to face; and yet, the Scripture says that her rival used to mock her about her infertility. She would provoke her bitterly the Bible says. There\u2019s another example of how bitterness is not, first, something that I do; it\u2019s, first\/it\u2019s a condition that I face in this sin-cursed world.\n\nWe all face situations, where people are treating us in an unjust fashion. Hannah, by the way, you can also add her \u201cPastor\u201d Eli, who comes alongside her, and sees her praying, and accuses her of being drunk. You have one woman provoking her, because of her inability to have a child; and then you have her religious leader falsely accusing her. But there\u2019s another example of why we can have hope, because that didn\u2019t make Hannah a bitter woman. In fact, in the very next chapter, she is giving this marvelous worship hymn to God. So even though she had been treated in such a terrible way by the people around her, that did not make her a bitter woman.\n\nAnn: And Steve, it feels like, right now in our culture, it feels like there\u2019s a lot of bitterness. It feels like an epidemic.\n\nStephen: That\u2019s why I think we have to be spiritually authentic. If we just say, \u201cWell, I don\u2019t have any bitterness,\u201d that is not biblically correct; because again, bitterness is not something I do; it\u2019s, first, a condition I face.\n\nHere\u2019s another example, by the way: it\u2019s the children of Israel, where the Bible says that the Egyptians made their work bitter. There\u2019s a lot of people, who are in work situations just like that, day after day after day: their boss is treating them unkindly; their co-workers are treating them in an unjust fashion; or just everything that goes on in a sin-cursed work environment. Again, it\u2019s bitter conditions.\n\nSo then, you say, \u201cOkay, Lord; You\u2019ve told me that in the Word of God. Thank You because that broadens my concept; but then, what\u2019s the connection point between bitter circumstances we all face and being a bitter individual that you told us I shouldn\u2019t be?\u201d And the answer is the third category: is our heart. One of the most powerful verses on this topic is Proverbs 14:10: \u201cThe heart knows its own bitterness.\u201d That\u2019s where all of this is played out: \u201cWhat goes on in my heart in the way I respond to unjust treatment?\u2014to the way I respond to the disappointments in my life?\u201d The question is: \u201cHow do I process that in my heart?\u201d\n\nThe beautiful thing is, through the power of the redemptive work of Jesus Christ, I can have a new heart. I have the Holy Spirit working inside of me so, in my heart\/in my inner person, I can process these hurts in a way that doesn\u2019t, just in a determinative fashion, mandate that I become bitter. In fact, the Scripture would suggest I can actually be growing in my sweet relationship with Christ, as a result of the hurt, in a way that prevents me from becoming a bitter person. That\u2019s the goal, and that\u2019s the hope.\n\nDave: So how do we\u2014because I hear you talk about the bitter heart\u2014and I think, sometimes\/I\u2019d love to say I have a friend, [Laughter] who can\u2019t acknowledge that he has a bitter heart. There\u2019s times in my life, where I\u2019m, \u201cOh, I\u2019m good; I\u2019m not bitter about that\u201d; and yet, it will reveal itself eventually. I think it\u2019s, often, we don\u2019t know it.\n\nStephen: Yes.\n\nDave: Our heart is giving us symptoms\u2014we can feel it\u2014but I think we live in this denial thing, like, \u201cI\u2019m not bitter.\u201d And some of us, as followers of Christ, we think it\u2019s sin to be bitter; so do we live in a denial? Is it always apparent, or is there something that gets triggered?\n\nAnn: I was going to say, Dave, it\u2019s so funny because\u2014\n\nDave: Are you going to talk about my bitter heart? [Laughter]\n\nAnn: Yes, I might.\n\nStephen: Turn off the mics! [Laughter]\n\nAnn: I was just going to say\u2014because Dave\u2019s great\u2014like: \u201cI\u2019m fine,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m good.\u201d I know that you feel like you\u2019re really good; because when you were trying to forgive your dad for leaving you, for the alcoholism, for the abandonment of your family, I remember you couldn\u2019t even talk about your dad without having this emotion rise up. I said to you, \u201cYou know, I think you need to forgive your dad.\u201d\n\nDave: She didn\u2019t say, \u201cI think.\u201d [Laughter] I\u2019ll never forget it; and again, I hadn\u2019t been able to identify. We were early in our marriage, so it was the first five or six years; but she literally said one day, \u201cYou know, you\u2019re going to need to forgive your dad.\u201d I looked at her like,\u2014\n\nAnn: \u201cI\u2019m fine.\u201d\n\nDave: \u2014\u201cI did that years ago.\u201d\n\nThen, as I stepped away and said, \u201cIs there truth in what Ann said?\u201d it was, \u201cOh, my goodness; there\u2019s a hardened root in there.\u201d\n\nStephen: Yes.\n\nDave: Then the question\u2014and I know we\u2019re going to get there eventually; we don\u2019t need to get there immediately\u2014but: \u201cWhat do I do with that?\u201d\n\nStephen: I think there\u2019s several very important biblical answers to the question: \u201cHow do I win the battle in my heart with these bitter circumstances?\u201d One of the biggest answers from the Word of God is to learn to practice lament\/that\u2019s the discipline of lament between me and the Lord.\n\nI don\u2019t know, when you\u2019re talking about one book, you ought to recommend somebody else\u2019s [Laughter]; but my friend, Mark Vroegop, who is a pastor up at College Park Church in Indianapolis, wrote a book called Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy on the topic of lament. I quote it rather extensively in that section of my book. One of the things that he points out is that, at least, a third of the Psalms in the Bible are lament psalms. That\u2019s pretty fascinating when you think about it, because Psalms\/that\u2019s our worship hymnal.\n\nNow, if you read the Psalms honestly, it\u2019s amazing how you hear God\u2019s people. They\u2019re practicing spiritual candor\/authenticity. They\u2019re bringing their hurt right to the throne of grace; they\u2019re bringing their questions. In fact, it\u2019s pretty close to they\u2019re bringing their complaints right to the throne of God.\n\nI think we have developed, in an evangelical culture, the belief that: \u201cWell, you don\u2019t do that. You don\u2019t ask questions. You don\u2019t act as if there are some things that are troubling you. You just put on a plastic smile on a broken heart and act,\u201d or \u201cMen don\u2019t admit that they\u2019re hurting,\u201d \u201cBig boys don\u2019t cry,\u201d \u201cJust rub some dirt on it,\u201d etc., etc.\n\nNow, if we\u2019re going to let the Bible be our guide, we ought to follow the example of the psalmists. We ought to learn how to practice biblical lament. I\u2019m convinced, in my life, Dave, that one of the reasons that I struggle with bitterness is because I\u2019m not as honest with the Lord as I ought to be. And I\u2019m a 61-year-old man. You start wondering, \u201cHow many more years do I have to get this right?\u201d Thankfully, my identity is not wrapped up in me getting it right; but ultimately, it\u2019s wrapped up in my identity in Christ. But I want to spend the remaining years of my life being more honest with the Lord, immediately with the pain, the hurt, the disappointment; so that it doesn\u2019t turn into bitterness. Again, that\u2019s the whole point of Hebrews 12:15: \u201cSee to it that you don\u2019t fall short of the grace of God. Don\u2019t let this root of bitterness spring up, cause trouble, and defile many.\u201d\n\nOne of the ways I can do that\u2014as a pastor, and as a father, and as a husband, as a friend\u2014is walk very quickly from bitter circumstances to the very throne of my God and cry out to Him: \u201cHear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer.\u201d When my heart is overwhelmed: \u201cLead me to the rock that is higher than I (Psalm 61:1,2).\u201d\n\nThere may be some of our listeners who\u2014the truth of the matter is\u2014they have become bitter people. That\u2019s just the honest truth. In fact, like one woman in the Bible named Naomi, she started looking bitter. I really do believe, if you don\u2019t handle this area in your life, it will affect the way that you look. One of the ways that I can prevent that is by very quickly going to the throne of God. Some of our listeners may say, \u201cThe reason I\u2019m a bitter person today: I\u2019ve never spoken honestly to the Lord about these hurts.\u201d\n\nAnn: It\u2019s interesting; I took some women on a trip to Israel. We were doing just a lot of conversations and talks. I talked to this one woman\u2014she was in her late 50s\u2014and she said, \u201cI cannot forgive my mom.\u201d As we talked about it, I said, \u201cDo you feel like it\u2019s affecting you?\u201d She said, \u201cAbsolutely\u201d; and then she said, \u201cand I will not forgive my mom.\u201d She had told me: \u201cThe reason I can\u2019t forgive my mom is because, every single day of my life, she would take a broom and she would beat my sister and I with the handle of this broom.\u201d She said, \u201cHow do I forgive that?\u201d\n\nShe has this experience. I said, \u201cOkay, can you just picture yourself in your mind? Use your imagination.\u201d She said, \u201cYes.\u201d I said, \u201cI want you to tell your mom how she harmed you.\u201d She had never done that before. She starts going on and on to her mom\u2014angry\/like yelling\u2014angry of what this has caused her. Then I said, \u201cNow I want you to take that; I want you to tell Jesus what that has meant and how it has affected you.\u201d So again, she\u2019s crying; she\u2019s yelling.\n\nI\u2019m wondering: \u201cWas that lamenting?\u201d\n\nStephen: Oh, I think it was. I just look back on my life; I view that kind of conversation as being disrespectful to the Lord.\n\nAnn: Yes.\n\nStephen: I\u2019m not supposed to complain to God, as if He doesn\u2019t know about the situation that I\u2019m already facing already. It really results in a shallowness in my relationship with God if I\u2019m not practicing authenticity. Perhaps, many of us would do well to spend more time in the Psalms, especially those lament Psalms.\n\nI had the privilege, recently, of working with some counselees. I encouraged them to write a psalm of lament\u2014so to follow one of the lament psalms, either one of the shorter ones or one of the longer ones\u2014but to actually write their own and tell their story to the Lord; and then, just pray that back to the Lord. And when they would think about that event\/that hurt from the past, then they can start factoring in: \u201cBut God knows about that. I\u2019ve been talking with the Lord about that,\u201d and \u201cI have found His grace to be sufficient.\u201d\n\nIt\u2019s not just me and the person who offended me, or me and the person who hurt me; now, it\u2019s my lovingly heavenly Father. We\u2019re continuing to have conversations. I would actually get to the place\u2014and this is really hard\u2014but when I can get to the place of saying, \u201cIt was good for me that I was afflicted.\u201d That\u2019s a hard place.\n\nAnn: \u2014as Joseph did.\n\nStephen: Absolutely: \u201cYou meant it for evil,\u201d\u2014but that\u2019s not the end of the sentence\u2014\u201cbut God meant it for good.\u201d \u201cIt was good for me that I was afflicted that I might learn thy statutes.\u201d You know, we\u2019ve mentioned Hebrews 12:15, which is one of the seminal passages on bitterness. The context is crucial; that\u2019s a context about our heavenly Father\u2019s discipline in our life, and we don\u2019t like that. We don\u2019t like it at all,\u2014\n\nDave: Right.\n\nStephen: \u2014because we don\u2019t like God to be sovereign; right? We want God to be Santa Claus. When we start to understand God loves us too much just to give us everything we want\u2014God always gives us a blend of blessings but, also, challenges\u2014in order to help conform us more to the image of Christ. So when I\u2019m factoring the sovereignty of God into my hurt\/into my pain, it helps me to start viewing: the bitterness is melting away, and the looking for opportunities to become more like Christ in the midst of that challenge or as a result of it.\n\nBut when I can get to the place of saying: \u201cGod\u2019s working that for good in my life,\u201d I can\u2019t acknowledge God\u2019s sovereign work in my life, helping me become more like Christ, and be bitter simultaneously. You cannot hold those two truths; so you\u2019re getting rid of one in your heart; and you\u2019re embracing one that is far, far sweeter.\n\nDave: Well, talk about what that woman ended up as she took it to Jesus.\n\nAnn: As she lamented to Jesus, you could feel\u2014at first, there was such anger\u2014and the more she talked, it was almost like a healing balm came over her. I said, \u201cI want you to bottle up all the feelings that you have, and even the bitterness, and just picture yourself handing it to Jesus.\u201d She didn\u2019t want to at first. \u201cIt was the first time,\u201d she said, \u201cthat I\u2019ve handed him all of that.\u201d\n\nAs she handed it to Him, she had all these images and remembrances of what her mom told her about her own upbringing, of how her mom had been beaten and abandoned. \u201cMy mom was only reacting out of what had been given to her; and now, I have a choice that I can either pass on my bitterness or I can allow God\u2019s healing to begin to renew me and to renew my spirit.\u201d And it\u2019s not a one time: \u201cOh, it\u2019s all done\u201d; I\u2019m sure process.\n\nStephen: No, it\u2019s not. I\u2019m glad you said that; you\u2019re right.\n\nAnn: Because many times, it takes years to unpack some of that. But you could tell there was a lightness about her that she hadn\u2019t had in a long time.\n\nStephen: Isn\u2019t that powerful to know that it\u2019s a choice?\n\nAnn: Yes.\n\nDave: If I\u2019m a listener right now, and there\u2019s an action step, I think it\u2019s obvious. It\u2019s a day to lament. It\u2019s a day to maybe get a journal out and write your own. I don\u2019t know what the percentage would be; but when I read through the Psalms, and I see the laments, often, those Psalms end in a totally different place.\n\nStephen: They absolutely do.\n\nDave: When they\u2019re honest and they don\u2019t hold it back, it\u2019s like: \u201cGod, I\u2019m struggling with this. This is where I am. I don\u2019t understand.\u201d And then you get to the end often\u2014even Psalm 73, one of my favorites, where he\u2019s just complaining about the prosperous of the wicked\u2014and then he says, \u201cI entered the sanctuary of God.\u201d\n\nStephen: That\u2019s right.\n\nDave: It\u2019s like: \u201cWhen I finally was honest with my struggle, I got a different perspective.\u201d And again, it\u2019s not a magic wish; but man, if you today took the bitterness you\u2019re feeling, and put it pen to paper, or get your phone out and digit, or just pray it.\n\nI mean this, Stephen, when I read that section on lament in your book, I was like, \u201cWe don\u2019t do that enough.\u201d\n\nStephen: I agree; I don\u2019t do that enough.\n\nAnn: We don\u2019t either.\n\nDave: Yes; so I would encourage the listener, \u201cToday\u2019s your day to start the journey toward, as you call it, a life filled with hope. It starts with maybe a lament today.\u201d\n\nStephen: Amen.\n\nBob: Most of us don\u2019t have to be convinced about how toxic bitterness, anger, resentment can be for a relationship. We know that these are issues that need to be addressed in our own hearts, but we don\u2019t know how to do that. Sometimes, it feels like, if we confront the bitterness, we\u2019re going to be unsafe. That\u2019s why I think the book that Stephen Viars has written, that Dave and Ann Wilson have been talking with him about today\u2014the book, Overcoming Bitterness\u2014is so helpful\/so practical for so many of us.\n\nEspecially, I\u2019m thinking about the holiday season ahead. I\u2019m thinking about relationships that maybe you are apprehensive about engaging with family members, people where there is resentment or bitterness, where there\u2019s a hard heartedness. Stephen Viars\u2019 book, Overcoming Bitterness, is a great resource for you to process through\/to pray your way through. We\u2019ve got copies of it in our FamilyLife Today Resource Center. Go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, to get your copy; or call us to order at 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-358-6329 to request your copy of the book, Overcoming Bitterness, by Stephen Viars.\n\nNow, let me take just a minute here and say, \u201cThank you\u201d to those of you, who over the last couple of weeks, have heard us talking about our yearend matching gift and have already gotten in touch with us and said: \u201cWe love FamilyLife Today. We appreciate the program. We agree with your mission to effectively develop godly marriages and families. We\u2019re on board.\u201d You\u2019ve made a donation; your donation has been matched, dollar for dollar, from the matching-gift fund. Thank you for getting in touch with us and supporting this mission.\n\nThese last few weeks of 2021 are a significant time for us as a ministry. What happens over the next few weeks will determine just how much FamilyLife is able to do\/how we\u2019re able to move forward in the new year. Your generosity is what will determine those things. So if you believe in the mission of FamilyLife Today, and you\u2019re able to help with a yearend contribution, we would love to hear from you. Be as generous as you can be. Every dollar you donate is going to be matched, dollar for dollar, up to a total of $1.5 million. We want to take full advantage of that matching-gift opportunity, so we need to hear from you.\n\nAnd we\u2019ll also say, \u201cThank you,\u201d when you donate by sending you a copy of a devotional from Dane Ortlund. Dane was on FamilyLife Today last week. He\u2019s written a devotional from the book of Psalms called In the Lord I Take Refuge. His book is our thank-you gift to you when you make a yearend donation. We\u2019ll also send you a deck of playing cards. Each card has a conversation starter on it so you can have some great conversations together with your family during the holidays. Again, donate online at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to donate at 1-800-FL-TODAY. And please do pray for us, here at FamilyLife, that we\u2019ll be able to take full advantage of this matching-gift opportunity.\n\nNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to hear about how we begin the journey toward dealing with bitterness and resentment in our relationships: \u201cHow do we move toward forgiveness?\u201d Stephen Viars will be back with Dave and Ann Wilson tomorrow. We hope you can be back as well.\n\nOn behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.\n\nFamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife; a Cru\u00ae Ministry.\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright \u00a9 2021 FamilyLife. 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it look like to combat bitterness? Pastor and author Stephen Viars explores the power of lament to give voice and resolution to our deepest grief.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-12-06.pdf","transcript_content":"Beating Back Bitterness\n\nGuest: Stephen Viars\nFrom the series: Overcoming Bitterness (Day 1 of 3)\nAir date: December 6, 2021\n\nDave: So a lot of our listeners, unfortunately or fortunately, know the drama of our ten-year anniversary date; that\u2019s the basis of our Vertical Marriage book. I want to ask you because\u2014you know, I\u2019ve heard you tell this story a thousand times of how you lost your feelings for me\u2014but when you describe what you felt, you say you went from anger to resentment to bitterness.\n\nAnn: Yes.\n\nDave: Talk about that a little bit.\n\nAnn: Well, it\u2019s interesting because it was different. I remember when I was angry with you, like, \u201cOh, this is just wrong\u201d; it felt wrong. But then that anger turned to resentfulness\u2014like I\u2019m mad at you\u2014but I\u2019m also now resentful. But then something happened in my heart that became toxic, I feel like\u2014like it was poisoning every part of me\u2014that I didn\u2019t like you at all, and nothing you could do would make me happy. You felt it, because we lived that!\n\nDave: I\u2019m smiling though, because how could I think we were doing great? [Laughter]\n\nAnn: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\nDave: And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife\u00ae app.\n\nAnn: This is FamilyLife\u2014\n\nDave: \u2014Today.\n\nI mean, I knew you were mad; and you know, we were yelling, often, as I was going to another church meeting.\n\nBut when you talk about bitterness\u2014I know that feeling\u2014so I\u2019m like, \u201cThat\u2019s deeper; that\u2019s inside.\u201d It\u2019s something that we carry, and I don\u2019t think we know how to get rid of.\n\nAnn: Right.\n\nDave: So we\u2019re going to talk about bitterness; but more importantly, how it affects our lives and how we can negotiate it. We have the man to do it with us today; Stephen Viars is with us. He\u2019s written a book on bitterness, Overcoming Bitterness.\n\nBut first of all, let me say, \u201cWelcome to Family Life. I think you\u2019re going to help us [Laughter] and a lot of other people today.\u201d\n\nStephen: Well, and I really hope that\u2019s true. It\u2019s a delight to be here. My goal is just to point all of us to Jesus Christ and point us to the truth of the Word of God. He will never disappoint us; will He?\n\nDave: No.\n\nStephen: And the great thing is there\u2019s hope in this topic; it\u2019s a sad topic. I think about the men and women, who might listen to this program, and this one hurts. But the good news is there\u2019s a way out, and our sweet Savior stands ready to help us overcome bitterness.\n\nDave: Yes; even as I read your book\u2014and I know you\u2019re not just an author\u2014you\u2019re actually, I said this at lunch, a very unique blend of: you\u2019re a lead pastor of a church in Lafayette, Indiana;\u2014\n\nAnn: \u2014Faith Church\n\nDave: \u2014and yet, you have this counseling side and bent; because you lead a counseling ministry. You have\/I mean, we sat at lunch and I heard all these amazing things you\u2019re doing in the counseling world.\n\nYou\u2019re married; three kids, four grandkids?\n\nStephen: Yes.\n\nDave: You know, I\u2019ve got to tell you, when I was reading your book, Overcoming Bitterness: Moving from Life\u2019s Greatest Hurts to a Life Filled with Joy, that\u2019s a big move\u2014\n\nStephen: It is.\n\nDave: \u2014from hurt, not just to better, to joy.\n\nStephen: That\u2019s right.\n\nDave: I told Ann, as I was reading it, I was like, \u201cWow! The bitterness I thought I was over in my life [Laughter]; it\u2019s still looming there pretty big.\u201d\n\nLet\u2019s talk, because I haven\u2019t seen a lot of books written about this. You see forgiveness books, and you talk a lot about that in the book, but to center on the bitterness that\u2019s in our life. Help us understand sort of the root: \u201cWhere does this come from? How does it manifest itself in a person\u2019s life?\u201d\n\nStephen: That\u2019s one of the things I love about the sufficiency of the Word of God. Scripture doesn\u2019t just call upon us to change things behaviorally\u2014so it\u2019s not simply: \u201cHey, start doing this,\u201d or \u201cStop doing that,\u201d\u2014I\u2019m so glad that we have a Savior, who loves us much more comprehensively than that.\n\nAs I got into the study in the Scripture of the topic of bitterness, you find it played off in three very separate categories. The first is the one we just talked about: bitter words or bitter behavior. We all know what that feels like. In fact, the Hebrew word, mara, means the poisonous bile from the gall bladder of all things. I love how God is just so picturesque. We know what bitter speech is; we know what bitter behavior is. That\u2019s one category that\u2019s very obvious to us.\n\nBut when you start unpacking the Word of God, it uses that word group\u2014mara, in Old Testament; pikr\u00f3s in the New Testament\u2014the word, \u201cbitter,\u201d [is] in two other categories. One that really surprised me was bitter circumstances. This is why none of us can say \u201cWell, I don\u2019t have any bitterness in my life.\u201d Sure we do, because we live in a sin-cursed world. So bitterness in the Bible is not, first, something I do; it\u2019s first, something I face. I face bitter circumstances every day. Every one of our listeners faces bitter circumstances every day.\n\nSo for example, you have Joseph, whose story comprises a rather significant percentage of the book of Genesis. Well, on his daddy\u2019s deathbed, he [Jacob] gathers all the brothers around; and he starts making these pronouncements about what their lives were like and what their lives are going to be like. When he gets to Joseph, he says, \u201cThe archer shot bitter arrows at you.\u201d You talk about an awkward moment; I mean, who\u2019s he talking about? [Laughter]\n\nDave: Right.\n\nStephen: He\u2019s talking about Joseph\u2019s own brothers,\u2014\n\nAnn: \u2014brothers.\n\nStephen: \u2014and here\u2019s what that tells us. Joseph was not responsible for that. Bitterness was not, first, something he did. It was, first, something that he faced. That story also gives us great hope. Joseph did not let the bitter treatment by his brothers make him a bitter person. There\u2019s hope in that.\n\nAnother example of that is Hannah. Hannah struggled with infertility. What a terrible thing for a woman to have to face; and yet, the Scripture says that her rival used to mock her about her infertility. She would provoke her bitterly the Bible says. There\u2019s another example of how bitterness is not, first, something that I do; it\u2019s, first\/it\u2019s a condition that I face in this sin-cursed world.\n\nWe all face situations, where people are treating us in an unjust fashion. Hannah, by the way, you can also add her \u201cPastor\u201d Eli, who comes alongside her, and sees her praying, and accuses her of being drunk. You have one woman provoking her, because of her inability to have a child; and then you have her religious leader falsely accusing her. But there\u2019s another example of why we can have hope, because that didn\u2019t make Hannah a bitter woman. In fact, in the very next chapter, she is giving this marvelous worship hymn to God. So even though she had been treated in such a terrible way by the people around her, that did not make her a bitter woman.\n\nAnn: And Steve, it feels like, right now in our culture, it feels like there\u2019s a lot of bitterness. It feels like an epidemic.\n\nStephen: That\u2019s why I think we have to be spiritually authentic. If we just say, \u201cWell, I don\u2019t have any bitterness,\u201d that is not biblically correct; because again, bitterness is not something I do; it\u2019s, first, a condition I face.\n\nHere\u2019s another example, by the way: it\u2019s the children of Israel, where the Bible says that the Egyptians made their work bitter. There\u2019s a lot of people, who are in work situations just like that, day after day after day: their boss is treating them unkindly; their co-workers are treating them in an unjust fashion; or just everything that goes on in a sin-cursed work environment. Again, it\u2019s bitter conditions.\n\nSo then, you say, \u201cOkay, Lord; You\u2019ve told me that in the Word of God. Thank You because that broadens my concept; but then, what\u2019s the connection point between bitter circumstances we all face and being a bitter individual that you told us I shouldn\u2019t be?\u201d And the answer is the third category: is our heart. One of the most powerful verses on this topic is Proverbs 14:10: \u201cThe heart knows its own bitterness.\u201d That\u2019s where all of this is played out: \u201cWhat goes on in my heart in the way I respond to unjust treatment?\u2014to the way I respond to the disappointments in my life?\u201d The question is: \u201cHow do I process that in my heart?\u201d\n\nThe beautiful thing is, through the power of the redemptive work of Jesus Christ, I can have a new heart. I have the Holy Spirit working inside of me so, in my heart\/in my inner person, I can process these hurts in a way that doesn\u2019t, just in a determinative fashion, mandate that I become bitter. In fact, the Scripture would suggest I can actually be growing in my sweet relationship with Christ, as a result of the hurt, in a way that prevents me from becoming a bitter person. That\u2019s the goal, and that\u2019s the hope.\n\nDave: So how do we\u2014because I hear you talk about the bitter heart\u2014and I think, sometimes\/I\u2019d love to say I have a friend, [Laughter] who can\u2019t acknowledge that he has a bitter heart. There\u2019s times in my life, where I\u2019m, \u201cOh, I\u2019m good; I\u2019m not bitter about that\u201d; and yet, it will reveal itself eventually. I think it\u2019s, often, we don\u2019t know it.\n\nStephen: Yes.\n\nDave: Our heart is giving us symptoms\u2014we can feel it\u2014but I think we live in this denial thing, like, \u201cI\u2019m not bitter.\u201d And some of us, as followers of Christ, we think it\u2019s sin to be bitter; so do we live in a denial? Is it always apparent, or is there something that gets triggered?\n\nAnn: I was going to say, Dave, it\u2019s so funny because\u2014\n\nDave: Are you going to talk about my bitter heart? [Laughter]\n\nAnn: Yes, I might.\n\nStephen: Turn off the mics! [Laughter]\n\nAnn: I was just going to say\u2014because Dave\u2019s great\u2014like: \u201cI\u2019m fine,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m good.\u201d I know that you feel like you\u2019re really good; because when you were trying to forgive your dad for leaving you, for the alcoholism, for the abandonment of your family, I remember you couldn\u2019t even talk about your dad without having this emotion rise up. I said to you, \u201cYou know, I think you need to forgive your dad.\u201d\n\nDave: She didn\u2019t say, \u201cI think.\u201d [Laughter] I\u2019ll never forget it; and again, I hadn\u2019t been able to identify. We were early in our marriage, so it was the first five or six years; but she literally said one day, \u201cYou know, you\u2019re going to need to forgive your dad.\u201d I looked at her like,\u2014\n\nAnn: \u201cI\u2019m fine.\u201d\n\nDave: \u2014\u201cI did that years ago.\u201d\n\nThen, as I stepped away and said, \u201cIs there truth in what Ann said?\u201d it was, \u201cOh, my goodness; there\u2019s a hardened root in there.\u201d\n\nStephen: Yes.\n\nDave: Then the question\u2014and I know we\u2019re going to get there eventually; we don\u2019t need to get there immediately\u2014but: \u201cWhat do I do with that?\u201d\n\nStephen: I think there\u2019s several very important biblical answers to the question: \u201cHow do I win the battle in my heart with these bitter circumstances?\u201d One of the biggest answers from the Word of God is to learn to practice lament\/that\u2019s the discipline of lament between me and the Lord.\n\nI don\u2019t know, when you\u2019re talking about one book, you ought to recommend somebody else\u2019s [Laughter]; but my friend, Mark Vroegop, who is a pastor up at College Park Church in Indianapolis, wrote a book called Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy on the topic of lament. I quote it rather extensively in that section of my book. One of the things that he points out is that, at least, a third of the Psalms in the Bible are lament psalms. That\u2019s pretty fascinating when you think about it, because Psalms\/that\u2019s our worship hymnal.\n\nNow, if you read the Psalms honestly, it\u2019s amazing how you hear God\u2019s people. They\u2019re practicing spiritual candor\/authenticity. They\u2019re bringing their hurt right to the throne of grace; they\u2019re bringing their questions. In fact, it\u2019s pretty close to they\u2019re bringing their complaints right to the throne of God.\n\nI think we have developed, in an evangelical culture, the belief that: \u201cWell, you don\u2019t do that. You don\u2019t ask questions. You don\u2019t act as if there are some things that are troubling you. You just put on a plastic smile on a broken heart and act,\u201d or \u201cMen don\u2019t admit that they\u2019re hurting,\u201d \u201cBig boys don\u2019t cry,\u201d \u201cJust rub some dirt on it,\u201d etc., etc.\n\nNow, if we\u2019re going to let the Bible be our guide, we ought to follow the example of the psalmists. We ought to learn how to practice biblical lament. I\u2019m convinced, in my life, Dave, that one of the reasons that I struggle with bitterness is because I\u2019m not as honest with the Lord as I ought to be. And I\u2019m a 61-year-old man. You start wondering, \u201cHow many more years do I have to get this right?\u201d Thankfully, my identity is not wrapped up in me getting it right; but ultimately, it\u2019s wrapped up in my identity in Christ. But I want to spend the remaining years of my life being more honest with the Lord, immediately with the pain, the hurt, the disappointment; so that it doesn\u2019t turn into bitterness. Again, that\u2019s the whole point of Hebrews 12:15: \u201cSee to it that you don\u2019t fall short of the grace of God. Don\u2019t let this root of bitterness spring up, cause trouble, and defile many.\u201d\n\nOne of the ways I can do that\u2014as a pastor, and as a father, and as a husband, as a friend\u2014is walk very quickly from bitter circumstances to the very throne of my God and cry out to Him: \u201cHear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer.\u201d When my heart is overwhelmed: \u201cLead me to the rock that is higher than I (Psalm 61:1,2).\u201d\n\nThere may be some of our listeners who\u2014the truth of the matter is\u2014they have become bitter people. That\u2019s just the honest truth. In fact, like one woman in the Bible named Naomi, she started looking bitter. I really do believe, if you don\u2019t handle this area in your life, it will affect the way that you look. One of the ways that I can prevent that is by very quickly going to the throne of God. Some of our listeners may say, \u201cThe reason I\u2019m a bitter person today: I\u2019ve never spoken honestly to the Lord about these hurts.\u201d\n\nAnn: It\u2019s interesting; I took some women on a trip to Israel. We were doing just a lot of conversations and talks. I talked to this one woman\u2014she was in her late 50s\u2014and she said, \u201cI cannot forgive my mom.\u201d As we talked about it, I said, \u201cDo you feel like it\u2019s affecting you?\u201d She said, \u201cAbsolutely\u201d; and then she said, \u201cand I will not forgive my mom.\u201d She had told me: \u201cThe reason I can\u2019t forgive my mom is because, every single day of my life, she would take a broom and she would beat my sister and I with the handle of this broom.\u201d She said, \u201cHow do I forgive that?\u201d\n\nShe has this experience. I said, \u201cOkay, can you just picture yourself in your mind? Use your imagination.\u201d She said, \u201cYes.\u201d I said, \u201cI want you to tell your mom how she harmed you.\u201d She had never done that before. She starts going on and on to her mom\u2014angry\/like yelling\u2014angry of what this has caused her. Then I said, \u201cNow I want you to take that; I want you to tell Jesus what that has meant and how it has affected you.\u201d So again, she\u2019s crying; she\u2019s yelling.\n\nI\u2019m wondering: \u201cWas that lamenting?\u201d\n\nStephen: Oh, I think it was. I just look back on my life; I view that kind of conversation as being disrespectful to the Lord.\n\nAnn: Yes.\n\nStephen: I\u2019m not supposed to complain to God, as if He doesn\u2019t know about the situation that I\u2019m already facing already. It really results in a shallowness in my relationship with God if I\u2019m not practicing authenticity. Perhaps, many of us would do well to spend more time in the Psalms, especially those lament Psalms.\n\nI had the privilege, recently, of working with some counselees. I encouraged them to write a psalm of lament\u2014so to follow one of the lament psalms, either one of the shorter ones or one of the longer ones\u2014but to actually write their own and tell their story to the Lord; and then, just pray that back to the Lord. And when they would think about that event\/that hurt from the past, then they can start factoring in: \u201cBut God knows about that. I\u2019ve been talking with the Lord about that,\u201d and \u201cI have found His grace to be sufficient.\u201d\n\nIt\u2019s not just me and the person who offended me, or me and the person who hurt me; now, it\u2019s my lovingly heavenly Father. We\u2019re continuing to have conversations. I would actually get to the place\u2014and this is really hard\u2014but when I can get to the place of saying, \u201cIt was good for me that I was afflicted.\u201d That\u2019s a hard place.\n\nAnn: \u2014as Joseph did.\n\nStephen: Absolutely: \u201cYou meant it for evil,\u201d\u2014but that\u2019s not the end of the sentence\u2014\u201cbut God meant it for good.\u201d \u201cIt was good for me that I was afflicted that I might learn thy statutes.\u201d You know, we\u2019ve mentioned Hebrews 12:15, which is one of the seminal passages on bitterness. The context is crucial; that\u2019s a context about our heavenly Father\u2019s discipline in our life, and we don\u2019t like that. We don\u2019t like it at all,\u2014\n\nDave: Right.\n\nStephen: \u2014because we don\u2019t like God to be sovereign; right? We want God to be Santa Claus. When we start to understand God loves us too much just to give us everything we want\u2014God always gives us a blend of blessings but, also, challenges\u2014in order to help conform us more to the image of Christ. So when I\u2019m factoring the sovereignty of God into my hurt\/into my pain, it helps me to start viewing: the bitterness is melting away, and the looking for opportunities to become more like Christ in the midst of that challenge or as a result of it.\n\nBut when I can get to the place of saying: \u201cGod\u2019s working that for good in my life,\u201d I can\u2019t acknowledge God\u2019s sovereign work in my life, helping me become more like Christ, and be bitter simultaneously. You cannot hold those two truths; so you\u2019re getting rid of one in your heart; and you\u2019re embracing one that is far, far sweeter.\n\nDave: Well, talk about what that woman ended up as she took it to Jesus.\n\nAnn: As she lamented to Jesus, you could feel\u2014at first, there was such anger\u2014and the more she talked, it was almost like a healing balm came over her. I said, \u201cI want you to bottle up all the feelings that you have, and even the bitterness, and just picture yourself handing it to Jesus.\u201d She didn\u2019t want to at first. \u201cIt was the first time,\u201d she said, \u201cthat I\u2019ve handed him all of that.\u201d\n\nAs she handed it to Him, she had all these images and remembrances of what her mom told her about her own upbringing, of how her mom had been beaten and abandoned. \u201cMy mom was only reacting out of what had been given to her; and now, I have a choice that I can either pass on my bitterness or I can allow God\u2019s healing to begin to renew me and to renew my spirit.\u201d And it\u2019s not a one time: \u201cOh, it\u2019s all done\u201d; I\u2019m sure process.\n\nStephen: No, it\u2019s not. I\u2019m glad you said that; you\u2019re right.\n\nAnn: Because many times, it takes years to unpack some of that. But you could tell there was a lightness about her that she hadn\u2019t had in a long time.\n\nStephen: Isn\u2019t that powerful to know that it\u2019s a choice?\n\nAnn: Yes.\n\nDave: If I\u2019m a listener right now, and there\u2019s an action step, I think it\u2019s obvious. It\u2019s a day to lament. It\u2019s a day to maybe get a journal out and write your own. I don\u2019t know what the percentage would be; but when I read through the Psalms, and I see the laments, often, those Psalms end in a totally different place.\n\nStephen: They absolutely do.\n\nDave: When they\u2019re honest and they don\u2019t hold it back, it\u2019s like: \u201cGod, I\u2019m struggling with this. This is where I am. I don\u2019t understand.\u201d And then you get to the end often\u2014even Psalm 73, one of my favorites, where he\u2019s just complaining about the prosperous of the wicked\u2014and then he says, \u201cI entered the sanctuary of God.\u201d\n\nStephen: That\u2019s right.\n\nDave: It\u2019s like: \u201cWhen I finally was honest with my struggle, I got a different perspective.\u201d And again, it\u2019s not a magic wish; but man, if you today took the bitterness you\u2019re feeling, and put it pen to paper, or get your phone out and digit, or just pray it.\n\nI mean this, Stephen, when I read that section on lament in your book, I was like, \u201cWe don\u2019t do that enough.\u201d\n\nStephen: I agree; I don\u2019t do that enough.\n\nAnn: We don\u2019t either.\n\nDave: Yes; so I would encourage the listener, \u201cToday\u2019s your day to start the journey toward, as you call it, a life filled with hope. It starts with maybe a lament today.\u201d\n\nStephen: Amen.\n\nBob: Most of us don\u2019t have to be convinced about how toxic bitterness, anger, resentment can be for a relationship. We know that these are issues that need to be addressed in our own hearts, but we don\u2019t know how to do that. Sometimes, it feels like, if we confront the bitterness, we\u2019re going to be unsafe. That\u2019s why I think the book that Stephen Viars has written, that Dave and Ann Wilson have been talking with him about today\u2014the book, Overcoming Bitterness\u2014is so helpful\/so practical for so many of us.\n\nEspecially, I\u2019m thinking about the holiday season ahead. I\u2019m thinking about relationships that maybe you are apprehensive about engaging with family members, people where there is resentment or bitterness, where there\u2019s a hard heartedness. Stephen Viars\u2019 book, Overcoming Bitterness, is a great resource for you to process through\/to pray your way through. We\u2019ve got copies of it in our FamilyLife Today Resource Center. Go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, to get your copy; or call us to order at 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-358-6329 to request your copy of the book, Overcoming Bitterness, by Stephen Viars.\n\nNow, let me take just a minute here and say, \u201cThank you\u201d to those of you, who over the last couple of weeks, have heard us talking about our yearend matching gift and have already gotten in touch with us and said: \u201cWe love FamilyLife Today. We appreciate the program. We agree with your mission to effectively develop godly marriages and families. We\u2019re on board.\u201d You\u2019ve made a donation; your donation has been matched, dollar for dollar, from the matching-gift fund. Thank you for getting in touch with us and supporting this mission.\n\nThese last few weeks of 2021 are a significant time for us as a ministry. What happens over the next few weeks will determine just how much FamilyLife is able to do\/how we\u2019re able to move forward in the new year. Your generosity is what will determine those things. So if you believe in the mission of FamilyLife Today, and you\u2019re able to help with a yearend contribution, we would love to hear from you. Be as generous as you can be. Every dollar you donate is going to be matched, dollar for dollar, up to a total of $1.5 million. We want to take full advantage of that matching-gift opportunity, so we need to hear from you.\n\nAnd we\u2019ll also say, \u201cThank you,\u201d when you donate by sending you a copy of a devotional from Dane Ortlund. Dane was on FamilyLife Today last week. He\u2019s written a devotional from the book of Psalms called In the Lord I Take Refuge. His book is our thank-you gift to you when you make a yearend donation. We\u2019ll also send you a deck of playing cards. Each card has a conversation starter on it so you can have some great conversations together with your family during the holidays. Again, donate online at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to donate at 1-800-FL-TODAY. And please do pray for us, here at FamilyLife, that we\u2019ll be able to take full advantage of this matching-gift opportunity.\n\nNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to hear about how we begin the journey toward dealing with bitterness and resentment in our relationships: \u201cHow do we move toward forgiveness?\u201d Stephen Viars will be back with Dave and Ann Wilson tomorrow. We hope you can be back as well.\n\nOn behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.\n\nFamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife; a Cru\u00ae Ministry.\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright \u00a9 2021 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\nwww.FamilyLife.com","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/307316","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=307316"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=307316"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=307316"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=307316"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=307316"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=307316"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=307316"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}