{"id":307315,"date":"2021-12-04T08:02:43","date_gmt":"2021-12-04T13:02:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/the-meaning-of-happy-2\/"},"modified":"2021-12-04T08:02:43","modified_gmt":"2021-12-04T13:02:43","slug":"the-meaning-of-happy-2","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-this-week\/the-meaning-of-happy-2\/","title":{"rendered":"The Meaning of Happy"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What does it take to be happily married? Researcher Shaunti Feldhahn shares encouraging data about what makes the best marriages thrive.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/d2c17sq0nj1f7e.cloudfront.net\/flw2021-12-04.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:28:00","filesize":"25.64M","filesize_raw":"26882069","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2809,2082],"tags":[7001,2877],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[3204],"series":[10388],"class_list":["post-307315","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","hentry","category-commitment","category-communication","tag-growth","tag-marriage","cwp_profile-shaunti-feldhahn","series-familylife-this-week"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":false,"episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/10\/FLTW-Podcast-Cover-2-1400x1400-1-300x300-1.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/dts.podtrac.com\/redirect.mp3\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/307315\/the-meaning-of-happy-2","player_link":"https:\/\/dts.podtrac.com\/redirect.mp3\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/307315\/the-meaning-of-happy-2","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-this-week","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"wcCZNyUoAG\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-this-week\/the-meaning-of-happy-2\/\">The Meaning of Happy<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-this-week\/the-meaning-of-happy-2\/embed\/#?secret=wcCZNyUoAG\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;The Meaning of Happy&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"wcCZNyUoAG\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":false},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"What does it take to be happily married? Researcher Shaunti Feldhahn shares encouraging data about what makes the best marriages thrive.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/flw\/flw2021-12-04.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> When it comes to satisfaction in marriage, there\u2019s reality; and there\u2019s myth. Author and researcher Shaunti Feldhahn says it\u2019s important for us to know, and be able to see, the difference. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Every demographer knows that most marriages are happy, in general, much of the time\u2014not perfect; right?\u2014there\u2019s often issues back and forth\u2014but in general, like I said, most people enjoy being married much of the time. The myth is that: \u201cIt\u2019s a slog,\u201d and \u201cIt\u2019s <em>hard<\/em>.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes! We\u2019re going to debunk the myth that marriage is a slog on this edition of\u00a0 <em>FamilyLife This Week.<\/em> \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWelcome to <em>FamilyLife This Week.<\/em> I\u2019m Michelle Hill. We\u2019re going to talk about the topic of happy marriages and how it relates to singleness\u2014and maybe, it doesn\u2019t\u2014but we\u2019re going to find out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous Interview]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoining me in the studio today is Shaunti Feldhahn. Shaunti, thank you so much for coming in and chatting with me a bit. I appreciate it greatly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Oh, I\u2019m delighted! Delighted to be here!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> I\u2019m excited to have you here. Shaunti is a good friend of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. She is a bestselling author and speaker. You have been part of some of our events over the past few years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>You\u2019ve also been on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> many times with Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Awesome. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Today you\u2019re on <em>FamilyLife This Week<\/em>!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> I know; so excited! This is great! [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>This is the pinnacle of things! Maybe not; don\u2019t tell Bob and Dennis I said that. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> No; hey, it\u2019s <em>girl talk<\/em>. I <em>never<\/em> get a chance to do this; this is great.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Exactly. Oh, I love that: \u201cgirl talk.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to go back a couple of years when you did your research and wrote the book on happy marriages. In fact, the title of the book is <em>The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages.<\/em> First of all, can you define \u201chappy\u201d for us? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes; here is\u2014essentially, people always say\u2014\u201cWhen you were studying this, how on earth did you <em>choose<\/em> who had the happy marriages?\u201d What we were trying to do, really, was compare\/to say: \u201cWhat are the happiest marriages doing that everybody else isn\u2019t?\u201d\u2014including people who have <em>good<\/em> marriages; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Here\u2019s basically what we did\u2014is we gave everybody a survey\u2014we always do these big nationally-representative surveys. We kind of <em>snuck<\/em> a question in there that was the key filter question, but they didn\u2019t know it. The question was: \u201cAre you generally happy in your marriage these days and enjoying being married?\u201d\u2014so basic question. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe were surveying both the husbands and the wives. There was this whole, long expensive way that we compared their answers. We gave people sort of 1 to 5 answer choices. The first answer was: \u201cYes!\u201d\u2014like\u2014\u201cYes! I\u2019m very happy.\u201d If both the husband and the wife\u2014independent of each other, never knowing what the other person said\u2014both said, \u201cYes!\u201d I wanted to talk to them. I really wanted to compare what <em>they <\/em>said to everybody else.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes; how many of those \u201cYes\u2019s\u201d matched up in your findings?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Here is the thing that was <em>awesome<\/em>; because we have this idea in our culture today that most marriages are just kind of: \u201cEh,\u201d \u201cMeh,\u201d\u2014like just kind of hanging on or just kind of <em>enduring<\/em>. Actually, statistically\u2014not just my studies, but every other study that has been done\u2014has found out that there is a far higher proportion of happy marriages than we think.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Really.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes! Different studies found different things. What we found is that it is something like\u2014I\u2019d have to look it up\u2014but it was something like 32 percent of marriages were in that highly happy category. And another 37 percent-ish said that they were generally happy. It turns out it ended up being 71 percent of marriages actually said that they were, in general, happy. And these were comparing the husbands and the wives. This was not\u2014you know, sometimes one spouse might say, \u201cYes! We\u2019re really happy!\u201d; and the other is like, \u201cEh,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s not necessarily a <em>terrible<\/em> marriage, but you wouldn\u2019t call it a happy one. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> It was really encouraging to find that, in our study, it was 71 percent of marriages. In many other studies, that have compared husbands and wives, it\u2019s been even around 80\/85 percent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Wow! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes; not saying that those are perfect; but those aren\u2019t just roommates, either. Most people just enjoy being married.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s really cool to hear. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> It is!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That is such neat research. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat\/when you talked with these couples, what makes a happy marriage? What did they tell you about their marriage? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Here is the thing we found\/<em>I<\/em> found really fascinating\u2014as I was looking through the numbers, as they were coming back on the surveys\u2014is that it turns out that one of <em>the most crucial<\/em> things that you can do to <em>create<\/em> happiness in your marriage is to believe the <em>best<\/em> of your spouse\u2019s intentions towards you, even when you\u2019re legitimately hurt. Everybody gets hurt, even in <em>great<\/em> marriages. We can hurt each other\u2019s feelings, but that doesn\u2019t mean we don\u2019t care.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt turns out, though, once you start allowing yourself to believe: \u201cThey don\u2019t care,\u201d that\u2019s the problem; because (A) usually, it\u2019s not true. We found, statistically, most of the time we do care. And (B) what you\u2019re doing is you\u2019re starting to look for the negative, and you\u2019re starting to <em>assume<\/em> the negative. It starts a downhill spiral that the other person can never come back from or <em>not easily<\/em> come back from. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> What are some of the other\u2014I\u2019m thinking through personality types or personal relationship with God\u2014what are some of the other characteristics of \u201chappy\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes; it turns out actually\/it was interesting to look at some of the other things that really were those secrets\/those habits of the happy marriages\u2014including, by the way, most of the time, these happily-married couples didn\u2019t even realize they were doing some of these things\u2014they didn\u2019t even know that they mattered! [Laughter] It turns out, statistically, they actually really matter. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of them, which was amazing for me, as a follower of Jesus, was to see that putting God first in their relationship, was statistically correlated with more happiness in marriage. It was <em>amazing<\/em> for me the number of times that I would do <em>random<\/em> interviews\u2014this is something I do as a social researcher\u2014it\u2019s not just the big nationally-representative studies, and it\u2019s not just focus groups with people that we\u2019ve pulled together. I mean, I\u2019ll stop people on the subway; [Laughter] or I\u2019ll stop people in airports.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Do they kind of look at you a little weird?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> I actually learned, really quickly, I had to start carrying a copy of my book with me [Laughter]: So that I\u2019m like, \u201cReally, this is legit; I am truly a social researcher. This is not some weird person.\u201d I mean, I might be; [Laughter] but this is, hopefully, legitimate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was actually really funny. There were times that I\u2019m literally sitting next to a couple in an airport somewhere, and they\u2019re having hot dogs. They\u2019re talking to each other, and they\u2019re laughing. They\u2019re having so much fun. I always have this little way, when I introduce myself, and ask them a couple questions to try to see where they are\/in which category of marriage; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf they were the \u201chighly happy\u201d marriage, I would often ask, \u201cWhat\u2019s <em>your<\/em> take on why you\u2019re so happy?\u201d And they would look at each other\u2014this happened over and over\u2014they would look at each other, and then they\u2019d look at me; and then they\u2019d go, \u201cIt\u2019s because of Jesus Christ.\u201d You could tell that they were like, \u201cOh, this is a chance to witness to a social researcher!\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> But it was <em>awesome<\/em> how often that happened. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Now, the other less than 30 percent\u2014I\u2019m trying to do math really fast, and I\u2019m <em>not<\/em> good at that\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Twenty-nine percent. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes\u2014the rest\/the 29 percent\u2014did you talk to them at all?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Oh, sure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> What did you see, between the 29 percent and then the 71 percent? How can you take a so-so marriage, or an unhappy marriage, and make it <em>great<\/em>?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, actually, part of our study group\u2014we had more than 1,000 people in the study group\u2014and one of the sub-groups that I was most interested in were those people who were, today, in a highly-happy marriage that started out not in one\u2014that started out with their marriage being <em>very<\/em> difficult\u2014or almost, to some degree, on the verge of divorce. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe actually had, in the interviews and in the surveys, we actually had\u2014I can\u2019t remember the number\u2014it was five or six couples, who had actually divorced from each other and got remarried to each other. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Wow! [Laughter] I always thought that was like <em>extremely<\/em> rare, like\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, I\u2019m sure it is. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s true; that\u2019s true.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> I\u2019m sure it is, statistically. However, it was <em>really<\/em> valuable for the study group. It was very valuable input\u2014not just those, which were unusual cases\u2014but the many cases, where people were happily married today, but that hadn\u2019t always been the case. I was very interested and very attuned to: \u201cWhat were those things that made the biggest difference?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of them\u2014okay, you\u2019re going to think this is super simple\u2014but one of them actually was, it turns out, that they realized the reason that they didn\u2019t like each other was that they weren\u2019t spending any time together. It turns out that one of the secrets of the happiest couples is they treat each other and their marriage as mostly a best friendship\/that they\u2019re best friends. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere was as study done a number of years ago on\/I guess the way they put it is: \u201cWhat are the primary predictors of friendship?\u201d If I were to ask you that, what would you say?\u2014\u201c\u2026the primary predictors of friendship?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u201cSpending time together.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes; and we think it\u2019s funny, because you think of it as friendship is based on things like shared temperaments, or shared values, or whatever. All those are important; but yes, it turns out\u2014actually, to be\/put more fine point on it\u2014the primary predictor of friendship is actually geographic proximity. You\u2019re the <em>best<\/em> friends with the people you see the most often so that you can spend time together! That is one thing in today\u2019s world that often gets pushed aside. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014in our busy schedules and our running everyplace.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014and me being the taxi for my kids, the uncompensated Uber driver; you know? [Laughter] My husband and I\u2014we love each other\u2014and he understands: \u201cI\u2019ve got to stay late at my daughter\u2019s volleyball game again.\u201d My husband understands, of course he does; but it doesn\u2019t compensate for the fact that we\u2019re growing further apart, because we just don\u2019t see each other. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne couple that really stood out to me\u2014they were in the sub-group of the study group, where they had been in a very, very difficult place in their marriage\u2014this one woman told me that everything changed when she looked at their schedule. They had three little kids. She looked at their schedule one day, and she was <em>not <\/em>liking her husband at all. She said, \u201cHow often do we actually spend together, just being together?\u201d\u2014you know, not comparing schedules about kids, but literally just being together as friends\u2014she added it up, and it was basically 15 minutes a <em>week<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe said they had very little that they could change in their schedule; but she did look, and she said, \u201cThere was one thing that she could change, starting then.\u201d That was that her husband\u2014apparently every week on Tuesday and Thursday\u2014he came home from work a little bit early to take their oldest child, who was seven or eight, to take him to T-ball practice. She said, \u201cLook; there is no reason in the world that I have to load up my three-year-old and my baby, and get in the car, and drive across town twice a week, except for the fact that that\u2019s 20 minutes in the car on the way there and 20 minutes back twice a week.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s time that she\u2019s spending with him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Exactly! It sounds so simple; but she said, \u201cHonestly, <em>that<\/em> was the turning point.\u201d They would catch up; they would talk. It wouldn\u2019t be about anything technical; it wouldn\u2019t be about the schedule for the week ahead. It would just be catching up on things they didn\u2019t know were going on at work, or home, or whatever. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe said, \u201cYou know, you start to like each other again; and if you like each other, then you can deal with all these other issues. It\u2019s really hard to deal with the issues if you don\u2019t like each other.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> I can even, in some ways, equate this to a roommate situation. I mean, it\u2019s just true in all relationships,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Great point; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014even in roommate situations. I\u2019ve had <em>several<\/em> roommates throughout the years. If you are <em>not<\/em> having those touchpoints during the week, the roommate relationship goes downhill. You do not want to be near them, because they have <em>not<\/em> done their dishes; [Laughter] they have <em>not<\/em> cleaned the living room; they\u2019ve <em>not<\/em> picked up any of their stuff. You\u2019re like, \u201c<em>Done<\/em>; don\u2019t want to be around you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhereas, when you\u2019re spending time, you\u2019re realizing what else is going on in their life\u2014not only are you coming and going, \u201cOkay; I like you again,\u201d\u2014but you\u2019re like, \u201cOkay; you have a lot of stress.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u201cThat helps me understand what is going on and why you have dropped the ball on this.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Also, you can give them the benefit of the doubt\u2014like we were talking about\u2014like you\u2019re believing the best. But also, truly, if there\u2019s a problem\u2014like it is their dishes and they never do them\u2014that would get annoying, just like in a family situation. But you can deal with those annoyances when you\u2019re friends! When you like each other, you can have the conversation. As I used to have to do with my roommates, and they used to have to do with me. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Well, speaking of roommates, I want to <em>turn<\/em> the conversation a little bit towards singleness. We have to take a break; and when we come back, we\u2019re going to talk about happiness and singleness. Stay tuned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Radio Station Spot Break]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Welcome back to <em>FamilyLife This Week<\/em>. I'm Michelle Hill. I\u2019m talking today with Shaunti Feldhahn. Shaunti, I want to <em>turn<\/em> the conversation a little bit. On the flip side of marriage is singleness. I mean, it\u2019s where <em>everyone<\/em> starts, and it\u2019s where many still are. We are seeing fewer and fewer people getting married; and yet, from what I\u2019m hearing, marriage is great! Seventy-one percent say, \u201cI\u2019m happy in my marriage.\u201d In your research, did you see any discrepancies as to why we are seeing fewer and fewer [marriages]?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Here\u2019s one of the things that we have found over the years. This is one of the things that I am <em>so<\/em> passionate about combatting; because there is a myth in our culture that: \u201cOh, gosh, marriage is just <em>so hard<\/em>,\u201d and \u201cEverybody gets divorced,\u201d and \u201cWhy bother? It\u2019s just a piece of paper,\u201d and \u201c...\u201d and \u201c\u2026\u201d and \u201c\u2026\u201d And it is the biggest <em>lie<\/em>! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEvery demographer knows\u2014because these studies have been done for <em>years<\/em>; it\u2019s not just me\u2014every demographer knows that most marriages are happy, in general, much of the time\u2014not perfect; right?\u2014there\u2019s often issues back and forth\u2014but in general, like I said, most people enjoy being married much of the time. And yet, the myth is that: \u201cIt\u2019s a slog,\u201d and \u201cIt\u2019s hard,\u201d \u201cYou just have to <em>endure<\/em>.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes! \u201cIt\u2019s <em>so hard<\/em>,\u201d \u201cYou just\/it\u2019s so much\u201d\u2014I\u2019ve heard\u2014\u201cIt\u2019s so much easier just to stay single. Don\u2019t get caught up; it\u2019s so complex, and you don\u2019t have that now.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> You know what? There certainly are people and there certainly are cases\u2014we know this biblically; we know this psychologically; we know this statistically\u2014there are people that are called to singleness; right? There just are. I know many young women, and older women, who would <em>love<\/em> to be married; but they really also kind of feel like: \u201cYou know what? I feel like this is a calling for me.\u201d They can do things that married people can\u2019t do. They can drop things at the drop of a hat and go off and do a mission trip somewhere. Okay; great. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut most of\u2014especially, I know a lot of 38-, 39-, 40-year-old women, who are <em>awesome<\/em> women and really would love to be married\u2014I always tell them, \u201cKeep praying for that! Because that heart longing has a reason behind it.\u201d It\u2019s just the <em>hard<\/em> answer\u2014as from what I can tell, not being single now\u2014the hard answer is that, sometimes, we\u2019re called to relinquish that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd yet, statistically, most people who want to be married will be married someday. The answer to me is <em>not<\/em> to downplay: \u201cOh, it\u2019s so hard; you don\u2019t even want to bother,\u201d because there is a reason their heart is longing for that. God created marriage to be, truly in most cases, a blessing to us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> So what is a single supposed to do, when they are talking with a married couple; and the married couple says, \u201cOh, you don\u2019t want to do that\u201d? How can a single react to that, and what is appropriate to say?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> It\u2019s interesting\u2014I guess, if it\u2019s someone you don\u2019t know very well\u2014you smile; you nod, \u201cHmm, hmm, hmm,\u201d the same way you react when a well-meaning older woman, who doesn\u2019t know you, tells you how to handle the way that you\u2019re\/for me, as a parent, how I\u2019m parenting. I just go, \u201cOh, thanks so much\u201d; and I just ignore it, basically. I set it aside, take what\u2019s worthwhile, and say, \u201cShe\u2019s well-meaning, but\u2026\u201d for the rest of it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re in relationship with them, as I\u2019m thinking this through, I would challenge it. I would say, \u201cDo you really believe that? Do you <em>not<\/em> enjoy being married?\u201d If you\u2019re in relationship with them, and you\u2019re friends, you can say legitimately, \u201cThis is something my heart is longing for.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI had several friends, who got divorced a number of years ago; because their husbands left them for other women. It was a <em>horrible<\/em> period\u2014I had a bunch of friends that this happened to: three good female friends\u2014all in the same two-year period. Walking through that with them, I was a little bit upset by the number of people\/one of them in particular, the number of people who told this woman, \u201cYou know what? You are better off just not even bothering, because who knows? The next guy might cheat on you again.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Oooooooh; dagger to the <em>heart<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> I\u2019m thinking, \u201cOh, my goodness!\u201d Finally, she actually\u2014to her credit\u2014she started challenging that. She\u2019s like, \u201cNo! I\u2019m praying that, if God wants me to be married, that God is going to bring me an <em>amazing<\/em> husband. I tried my best to honor God in this last relationship; and in the end, there was nothing I could do. He made this decision. There was literally nothing I could do to change it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut that doesn\u2019t mean all men are like that. Most men really want someone to love, just like we do. [Laughter] I\u2019m really glad that she pushed back on that. She is now remarried, and he is a wonderful man! She finds out she has breast cancer, a year into their marriage\/not even a year into their marriage; and this guy dropped <em>everything<\/em> to care for her. I mean, it was a <em>great<\/em> picture of really God redeeming the time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is an example of\u2014just because one of you is remarried\u2014you were single, but he was married before; and he\u2019s getting married again to you\u2014as an option, as you get older, that\u2019s more likely, statistically, to happen; it doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s any less beautiful.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right; that\u2019s true. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen your friend was going through the despair\u2014let\u2019s just call it despair or the loss of hope of wondering if she would find someone again\u2014or for the other gals, who are 38, 39, or 40, and sitting there, going, \u201cI have these longings,\u201d what kind of advice do you give them?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Oh, man, Michelle. The thing I always say, back to the foundation of this, is I really just want to acknowledge and affirm the longing as legitimate, and not to have this feeling that, \u201cI\u2019m supposed to stuff this.\u201d I feel like, as long as we\u2019re turning over our feelings to the Lord\u2014if He keeps bringing that longing back up\u2014there\u2019s probably a reason for that; it\u2019s something you\u2019re supposed to be praying for. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s just like I mentioned, everything that we long for, we have to relinquish; we just have to. I didn\u2019t have children for six years; I was <em>really longing<\/em> for a child. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That had to have hurt. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Oh, man! When Jeff and I were married\u2014and I was already a little bit older\u2014and I really wanted a child. It was six years later; and I felt really strongly that the Lord was saying, \u201cYou have to relinquish this.\u201d That means, literally, like: \u201cIt\u2019s okay; God, You\u2019re enough.\u201d He did eventually give me two children. I had several miscarriages, and it was <em>hard<\/em>; but I have two children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere are some women and men, who will <em>never<\/em> come to that marriage on this earth; right? We just know that; however, I do feel like God gives grace in those cases. I also know, statistically, that most of the time\u2014most people who really are longing to be married\u2014that that will statistically happen at some point. It may be to somebody who\u2019s been remarried\u2014who had a first marriage and their spouse died, or their spouse left them, or whatever\u2014but like I mentioned, that doesn\u2019t mean that it\u2019s <em>not<\/em> just as beautiful of a relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> There\u2019s just the waiting <em>and<\/em> the being patient.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> And the going through and saying, \u201cOkay; so <em>when?\u201d<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> I know. And the thing is: I hate it! Because I have friends, who have been in that situation; I hate it when people downplay that. And that that\u2019s painful! No! Of course, that\u2019s painful. Again, the longing is there; because this is something that God has placed in us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That was a recent conversation that I had with Shaunti Feldhahn. Some exciting news! Shaunti has been in our offices a little bit more than we\u2019ve seen her in the past. That\u2019s because she\u2019s been helping us out with a brand-new podcast called <em>Questions Every Wife Is Asking<\/em>. Actually, that podcast isn\u2019t quite out in the open yet; but I want to give you a sneak peek. Go to our website, FamilyLifeThisWeek.com\u2014that\u2019s FamilyLifeThisWeek.com\u2014there will be a link so that you can get in on the conversation from the very beginning. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti and I have been having some conversations lately about marriage and singleness. We\u2019ve also had what I would consider an important conversation around the #MeToo movement. I want you to keep checking back for that. Go to FamilyLifeThisWeek.com; that\u2019s FamilyLifeThisWeek.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you know me at all, you know my favorite time of the year; and that is, Christmas. For the past few years, a highlight of the season has been receiving Christmas cards from <em>you<\/em>. Again, I beg you for Christmas cards; because I enjoy this interaction with you. Send me your Christmas card, or add me to your Christmas list. Send your Christmas card to PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; and the zip code is 72223. Again, the PO Box is 7111, and the zip is 72223. Make sure to put \u201cAttn. to Michelle Hill,\u201d because I want to receive the card; I don\u2019t want it to end up in Bob\u2019s box or something.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tComing up next weekend, we\u2019re going to talk with Ron Deal. He\u2019s going to join the conversation to share some ways that blended families can truly and peacefully celebrate Christmas together. As always, that\u2019s going to be an encouraging time. Whenever Ron joins us, it\u2019s a <em>great<\/em> time. I hope you can join us for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHey, thanks for listening! I want to thank the president of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, David Robbins, along with our co-founder, Dennis Rainey, and our station partners around the country. A big \u201cThank you!\u201d to you guys; and a big \u201cThank you,\u201d to our engineer today, Keith Lynch; our producers, Marques Holt and Bruce Goff; Justin Adams is our mastering engineer; and Megan Martin is our production coordinator.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur program is a production of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, and our mission is to effectively develop godly families who change the world one home at a time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI'm Michelle Hill, inviting you to join us again next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife This Week.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/307315","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=307315"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=307315"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=307315"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=307315"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=307315"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=307315"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=307315"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}