{"id":307314,"date":"2021-12-03T08:03:58","date_gmt":"2021-12-03T13:03:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/emotional-trauma-is-it-possible-for-me-to-heal\/"},"modified":"2021-12-03T08:03:58","modified_gmt":"2021-12-03T13:03:58","slug":"emotional-trauma-is-it-possible-for-me-to-heal","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/emotional-trauma-is-it-possible-for-me-to-heal\/","title":{"rendered":"Emotional Trauma: Is it Possible for Me to Heal?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Does it feel hard to find your way out of emotional trauma? Counselor, speaker, and relationship expert Debra Fileta helps you identify personal trauma\u2014and a clear path toward healing.<\/p>\n<p>Show Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tFind resources from this podcast on our FamilyLife Shop.<br \/>\n \tDownload FamilyLife&#8217;s new app!<br \/>\n \tCheck out all that&#8217;s available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Does it feel hard to find your way out of emotional trauma? Counselor, speaker, and relationship expert Debra Fileta helps you identify personal trauma\u2014and a clear path toward healing.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-12-03.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:28:57","filesize":"26.5M","filesize_raw":"27791603","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2822,2873],"tags":[5161,6244,2874,2950],"podcast_series":[8491],"cwp_profile":[9748],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-307314","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-growing-in-your-faith","category-mental-and-emotional-issues","tag-emotions","tag-feelings","tag-mental-health","tag-trauma","podcast_series-are-you-really-ok","cwp_profile-debra-fileta","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/307314\/emotional-trauma-is-it-possible-for-me-to-heal","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/307314\/emotional-trauma-is-it-possible-for-me-to-heal","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"iBuOcgKyQT\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/emotional-trauma-is-it-possible-for-me-to-heal\/\">Emotional Trauma: Is it Possible for Me to Heal?<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/emotional-trauma-is-it-possible-for-me-to-heal\/embed\/#?secret=iBuOcgKyQT\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Emotional Trauma: Is it Possible for Me to Heal?&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"iBuOcgKyQT\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-12-03.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-12-03.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We live in such a culture where fitness is so important, and body image, and all of that. When we were going to seminary, I got into this real fitness phase. Do you remember this? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, do I remember! [Laughter] You were like six percent body fat? What was it?\u2014four percent? Look at her; she had <em>four<\/em> right on her lips. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, it was terrible; because I was teaching classes at a gym. This was when the fitness craze hit the culture, where gyms were opening. I had been teaching these classes with a hundred people in them, but we had to do body fat testing once a month in order to teach there. If it got to be a certain point, we were disqualified; and we\u2019d have to lose weight in order to teach. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWelcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, there is a lot of messed up stuff in my background with eating disorders and all kinds of stuff. So talk about triggering\u2014now, I\u2019m like, \u201cI\u2019m winning the competition,\u201d\u2014so I dropped my body fat down to four percent. This was just messed up anyway, and it is just <em>feeding<\/em> all of my insecurities. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dave:<\/strong> She\u2014I remember this class at this gym\u2014all the men took her class, because she\u2019s the hardest instructor; and she was! She was a former gymnast\u2014she just\u2014I couldn\u2019t even <em>survive<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So then, at the same time, we\u2019re taking seminary classes. I took some classes, especially on how to do counseling. I\u2019m thinking, \u201cOh, this will be fun that I can help people.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs we\u2019re in the class, they\u2019re doing our family tree. And then, we get into abuse. Then I\u2019m digging into sexual abuse that I experienced\/that I had told you about. I thought, \u201cOh, that\u2019s in the past. It\u2019s fine; it\u2019s over.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, of course, [at that time], I haven\u2019t dealt with any of it. [Then], I\u2019m starting to deal with it: I\u2019m crying every night; I\u2019m working out every night. I\u2019m realizing, \u201cOh, this mental health thing\u2026\u201d\u2014it wasn\u2019t even a word back then that we used very much, but this was something that was effecting every single area of my life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We started on a journey of mental, emotional, spiritual\u2014and the physical\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014healing \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014it was all part of it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s interesting to be sitting here, with a therapist looking across the table at us, thinking, \u201cOh, boy, were you guys\u2026\u201d\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>You\u2019d love to dig in.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>You\u2019d love to have us in your office\u2014we sort of are sitting in your office right now in the studio. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got Debra Fileta with us today. You\u2019ve written a book called <em>Are You Really OK?<\/em> I know you are looking at us, like, \u201cNo, you guys aren\u2019t.\u201d [Laughter] Well, we\u2019re glad to have you back at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Welcome back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Thank you for having me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, we\u2019ve talked about quite a few things in this book; but I love your subtitle: <em>Getting Real About Who You Are, How You Are Doing, and Why It Matters<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> There are different aspects to health that we really have to focus on. Just being a Christian doesn\u2019t make us healthy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s funny that you mention the physical fitness in the gym, because we don\u2019t have that mentality with our physical health. We <em>don\u2019t<\/em> assume that, when we come to Jesus, we\u2019re going to be at the right BMI;\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, that is <em>so true<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u2014our blood pressure is going to be right; our cholesterol is going to be perfect, But we make that assumption with our mental health and our emotional health. We <em>assume<\/em> that, when I come to Jesus, \u201cI\u2019m <em>good<\/em> in these areas,\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s good.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cHe\u2019s fixed it all.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> We don\u2019t see the process, like going to the gym. I always tell people, \u201cWell, what if we were to start seeing counseling kind of like we see going to the gym?\u201d \u201cI\u2019m going to work my emotional and mental muscles and get them strong and <em>fit<\/em>.\u201d I mean, we\u2019d be high-fiving each other; you know what I mean? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; \u201cYou\u2019re going to counseling! Way to go!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Would you say that almost everybody could use that kind of therapy? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> One hundred percent. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> I say that, as a therapist, I understand; [Laughter] but also as a woman, who has been through my <em>own<\/em> personal journey of mental health, and needing counseling, and needing medication. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Okay, talk about that a little bit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What is your journey? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Five years ago, I went through a really traumatic miscarriage; it was actually an unexpected miscarriage. I went in for a routine appointment. I found out that I had lost the baby; and then while I was at the appointment, just by chance, I started hemorrhaging,\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u2014bleeding to the point where I almost lost my life. The doctor literally ran me to the emergency room in the wheelchair. She said I was just minutes away from losing my life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou recover from that\u2014the loss\/the trauma\u2014like we talked about earlier. You deal with it; you grieve. You go home, and you live your life again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut the thing about trauma is it\u2019s not a once-and-done experience. You\u2019ve got to really process it in layers: it comes back for a <em>new<\/em> opportunity for healing, and then a <em>next<\/em> layer of healing, and then a <em>next<\/em> layer of healing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014which people always are so frustrated with\u2014I was frustrated with this. I thought, when I was done with seminary, and I had done these counseling classes, \u201cI\u2019m healed! I\u2019ve done it; it will <em>never<\/em> come back.\u201d And then something triggers it a few years later. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And there is another <em>layer<\/em> to be dealt with. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Not only that, but sometimes, people think time will help me heal; but time does not heal all wounds. In fact, some wounds, when left with time, will just get infected\u2014it will get <em>worse<\/em>\u2014not better. That is trauma in a nutshell. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I went home, a few years later, when life was safe and secure, I started having symptoms of panic attacks that came out of nowhere. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> This was, like, months later after the miscarriage? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> It was actually about two years later\/\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Wow. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Wow! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u2014two years later, when it\u2019s not even in my mind anymore. But your body remembers; your <em>brain<\/em> remembers. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember I was on a safari bus with the kids, and I started feeling really hot and kind of light-headed. My body remembered what I didn\u2019t: when I was hemorrhaging, I felt light-headed; I\u2019d actually said to the nurse, \u201cI\u2019m feeling light-headed. Can I get a drink?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI didn\u2019t realize what was happening; my body was like: \u201cYou\u2019re feeling light-headed again; uh-oh.\u201d There is a part of your brain called your amygdala. The amygdala is responsible for emotional memory; it remembers these deep emotions. When my amygdala sensed the presence of light-headedness, the first thing it probably went back to was: \u201cUh-oh, the last time you felt light-headed, you almost died. This is an emergency!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYour body goes into fight-or-flight false alarming; and that\u2019s what a panic attack essentially is. Your body has false alarms that are rooted in something a little deeper. I had to learn to <em>identify<\/em> what that looked like in my <em>own<\/em> life and begin the process of healing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> So\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s just amazing how God has made our brain, which is fascinating and beautiful, but it can play tricks on you if you don\u2019t know how to: \u201cOkay, mentally, what do I do?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019m thinking of so many of our listeners\u2014that maybe they\u2019ve experienced depression or panic attacks, or their kids are right now\u2014and they feel at a loss of: \u201cWhat are my next steps?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Well, first and foremost, we thank the Lord for giving us that response; because it is protective: \u201cThank You that my body reacts to danger and stress\u201d; but now, I\u2019ve got to understand the effects of trauma on this reaction that is causing me to overreact. For each person, it is going to look a little differently. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTrauma fills our mind with lies. How I like to think of trauma: it\u2019s like, if your life is a book, chapter by chapter, trauma is like that big black sharpie that just scribbles all over that page with lies. For me, the lie was: \u201cYou almost died; you could die again.\u201d What was the truth? The truth was I was in God\u2019s hands all along. Part of dealing with our trauma is learning to see it through God\u2019s eyes; learning to replace it with what is actually true: \u201cThat I am safe,\u201d \u201cThat I am loved,\u201d \u201dThat my days are numbered and in His hands.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere is mental work to be done in battling trauma, and so much of that mental work can be done in the context of therapy. It\u2019s such a helpful way to get a jumpstart on some of that mental work. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, talk about truth; because we have to replace lies. It may be a physical trauma like that; but it could be lies we\u2019ve heard or even been told from childhood of: \u201cI\u2019m worthless,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m not wanted,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m not gifted.\u201d You come into adulthood, and you are living out lies. How do we replace those? Therapy is, obviously, going to help. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> How many ways can we replace lies with truth? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> I think it starts with us identifying those lies to begin with. I think sometimes we are on autopilot. We don\u2019t even realize all the lies that we are carrying and living out of; we don\u2019t even acknowledge them. I think a huge part of it is recognizing those lies, and then beginning to replace them with God\u2019s truth: \u201cWhat does God\u2019s Word say?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut here is what I always have to be cautious because, for some people, this response is so intense that it can be characterized as clinical anxiety, clinical depression, panic attacks. What happens, then, is that your chemistry is actually changing. Your stress chemicals, the cortisol, is getting so high that it\u2019s beginning to highjack your body\u2019s ability to absorb the good chemicals\/the feel-good chemicals of dopamine and serotonin. When that shift begins to happen chemically, some people need medication in order to even be able to digest God\u2019s truth. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember the times in my <em>worst<\/em> moments with panic and depression, if somebody would have given me Scripture, I would have been like, \u201cWhat do I do with this?! I feel horrible; I feel like I\u2019m dying. I need you to save me, not give me Scripture.\u201d This is where I feel like the church has to be <em>cautious<\/em> in how we talk about mental and emotional health. God is in the work of <em>healing<\/em>, and all of these things can move us in the direction of healing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This would be\/you\u2019re talking about cognitive disorders. You\u2019re saying, like, \u201cOh, when we\u2019re at this point, it\u2019s okay to come in with a therapist\/with a psychologist and psychiatrist to administer some medication\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014that can help with a chemical. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Just like a diabetic will go get insulin and change their lifestyle\u2014get insulin, pray over the situation\u2014we\u2019ve got to see mental health in the same way and tackle it in a holistic approach as well. Maybe this problem with worry, that\u2019s controlling my life, is actually undiagnosed, clinical depression or clinical anxiety. I\u2019m not putting a name to it, so I don\u2019t even know how to begin countering it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, sometimes, Christians are afraid that, when we name it, we claim it. God doesn\u2019t lose His power; when we name it, I now see my responsibility in the equation\/what I need to start doing differently. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So you\u2019re seeing both come, hand in hand\u2014like Scripture is important; God\u2019s Word is so alive and vibrant\u2014but also, sometimes, we bring in medication that could possibly help and a therapist that can guide us in that area. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Yes, 100 percent. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Do you think a Christian therapist? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> I do. I think that\u2019s an important piece to the puzzle, because true healing is multifaceted. True healing involves our emotional health, our mental health, our physical health, and our spiritual health; they all work together. There are so many resources out there; but even if you go to my website\u2014TrueLoveDates.com\/Counseling\u2014there are all kinds of databases and opportunities to connect with licensed counselors, who are also Christians. There are so many different places that have resources for good Christian counselors. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I know I\u2019ve shared here, in the last 18 months, I sat down with a therapist. It was <em>amazing<\/em> to me as we sort of put up my life and my childhood on a white board. He had this God-given gift to go: \u201cHey, let\u2019s talk about this.\u201d I\u2019d be like, \u201cWhy that?!\u201d Five minutes later, I\u2019m like, \u201cOh boy; he\u2019s identified something in my life that is triggering and active in my life.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll I know\u2014and I\u2019m not saying we\u2019re done\u2014but as I went through this year with Greg\u2014and then Ann went over, and we did it as a couple\u2014I thought, \u201cI wish I had done this \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t30 years ago.\u201d I thought, \u201cWhat a gift I could have given my kids, 30 years ago.\u201d At the same time, I\u2019m thinking, \u201cI\u2019m not done.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, it\u2019s never too late. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s never too late. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> I love that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> God can change me in my 60s, and I can have an impact on my marriage and my kids at this point. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut let\u2019s talk about another thing you write about in your book, the physical part as well with the mental. I think we underestimate even the power of <em>rest<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So talk about how the <em>physical<\/em> helps us heal as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> You know, the body-mind connection is real; and when our mind is struggling, our bodies will struggle. When our bodies are struggling, our mind will also struggle. So even as something as basic as sleep\u2014when we\u2019re not sleeping well, it affects our mental health\u2014our ability to concentrate, and focus, and process, and even our ability to just not get overwhelmed. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo looking at our sleep; looking at our exercise, which actually increases our serotonin and dopamine\/those good-feeling chemicals; looking at our diet\u2014all of these things are a part of the equation\u2014I also say looking at your schedule. Because sometimes, we are doing so much in the name of ministry\/in the name of the Lord; but we\u2019re depleted. We are running on empty; we\u2019re not healthy, emotionally and mentally. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf we are like a well, pouring out to others, we have to be pouring out of our fullness, not out of our emptiness. We don\u2019t want to wait until we get to a place of burnout before we take care of ourselves. We want to start taking care of ourselves before we get to empty. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You said in your book, and even at lunch, that you and John say, \u201cNo,\u201d <em>a lot<\/em>. What does that look like, because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; because you have four kids; you are travelling; you\u2019re speaking; you\u2019re a therapist. You guys have a lot on your plate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> You know, we\u2019ve learned that you can only do a few things well. So we\u2019ve begun the discipline of focusing on the things that we can do and saying, \u201cNo,\u201d to everything else. For us, that looks like the amount of activities our kids are allowed to be in\/the amount of ministries that we\u2019re allowing ourselves to be a part of. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, you know, in this field, you get so many invitations and opportunities; but not all opportunities are opportunities you say, \u201cYes,\u201d to. Sometimes, you\u2019ve got to say, \u201cYou know what? I\u2019m not going to be able to say, \u2018Yes\u2019; because when I say, \u2018Yes,\u2019 to this, I\u2019m inadvertently saying, \u2018No,\u2019 to time with my family, to my own personal mental health, to my own marriage and investing in my marriage.\u201d Realizing that there is power in that word; it\u2019s not an anti-Christian word and neither is self-care. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> A lot of times, people think self-care is an anti-Christian word; but Jesus Himself knew what it looked like to get away; to say, \u201cNo\u201d; to spend time with the Father so that He could be filled up; to sleep: I love the passage when Jesus gets on the boat and is like, \u201cI\u2019m going to go take a nap.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And the <em>storm<\/em> doesn\u2019t even wake Him up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> He modeled what it looked like to take care of Himself, allow the Father to pour into Him; so that, He could pour into others. What a beautiful example for us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I want to end, Debra, talking about\u2014maybe, you\u2019ve done this too\u2014I\u2019ve talked to so many women, who feel like their kids are shut down emotionally or their husband has shut down emotionally. They see: \u201cOh, I see the greatness in my husband; if he would just look at this area\u2026\u201d; but their husband or their kids are saying, \u201cNo, I\u2019m okay; I\u2019m fine.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs a spouse, or a parent, or grandparent, coach us: \u201cDo we just pray?\u201d \u201cDo we talk?\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s the best steps for us to take?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> You know, it\u2019s really hard when it\u2019s somebody that is not in your control\u2014your child,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Don\u2019t you hate that?! [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u2014your spouse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s the worst thing: you can\u2019t control them! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> It is <em>very<\/em> difficult. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think there are two steps. Number one: Model it yourself, so begin to share. Use that vocabulary with my children: \u201cThis is how I\u2019m feeling\u2026\u201d \u201cThis is what I\u2019m going through\u2026\u201d :This is what I\u2019m stressed out about\u2026\u201d \u201cThis is what I\u2019m overwhelmed with\u2026\u201d Start modeling those words. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You even do that with your kids? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> I do. I do an activity with the kids, where I sit them down, and have them color the feelings in their body; so we can begin to talk about them. I lay that all out in <em>Are You Really OK?<\/em>\u2014what that activity looks like and how to apply it to your family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut with grown-ups\/with adults, you want to begin to even model that language in your marriage\/begin opening up in your marriage. I think that vulnerability begins to take the walls down; it\u2019s like, \u201cOh, you\u2019re being vulnerable. Maybe, I can be vulnerable too.\u201d Modeling it is really important. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen learning to ask the right questions\u2014I think sometimes, we ask accusing questions\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u2014rather than inviting questions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Give us an example of both. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> You know, for example, say [speaking forcefully], \u201cYou seem like you are just so stressed out these days. Tell me what\u2019s going on! Is there something going on with you that I don\u2019t know about?\u201d\u2014versus\u2014[softer tone] \u201cYou know what, honey? I\u2019d love to pray for you. What is something that you feel is causing stress right now in your life that I can be praying for you about?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis takes practice; this doesn\u2019t just happen overnight. Like I said earlier, this type of practice is something you have to learn and to check in with each other. What that can do\u2014to be on the same page with one another\/to help each other\u2014you have a built-in partner; sometimes, it starts with modeling that\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u2014and asking those questions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Man, I think\/here is what I want to put into practice. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh good! Are we agreeing to do something? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019m saying this out loud; I\u2019m hoping some listeners will go, \u201cYou know what? I\u2019m with you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOver the last several sessions, talking to you about this, number 1 is a journal, where I would write down: \u201cWhat emotions am I feeling?\u201d and \u201cWhat lies am I hearing?\u201d and replacing that with truth. Literally, write those down; that would be interesting. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd what you just said\u2014the Sunday night check-in\u2014I\u2019m thinking 9 o\u2019clock for a couple to, at least, once a week, check in and talk about emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual health <em>together<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And coming in without accusing one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014that could transform a marriage, just that conversation. I think\u2014I don\u2019t know it like you do\u2014but you are so right. It would be so awkward at first; it\u2019s like a new workout:\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cI don\u2019t know how to do this.\u201d Well, guess what?\u2014you get in there; you learn; you keep doing it; and pretty soon, you\u2019re going to get pretty good at it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think we\u2019d all have to admit the last\/almost two years now have taken a toll on our emotional health\/our mental health; all of us are weary. The extent to which our mental health has been affected by the events of the pandemic and by the turbulence in our culture\u2014that\u2019s going to vary from person to person\u2014but we\u2019ve all been impacted. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd to help us get a grip on our own mental, and emotional, and spiritual health, Debra has written a book called <em>Are You Really OK?<\/em> The subtitle is: <em>Getting Real About Who You Are, How You Are Doing, and Why It Matters<\/em>. Her book is a good first step in self-diagnosis and in providing some steps we can each take to become healthier people. We\u2019ve got Debra\u2019s book in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can request your copy from us online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to get your copy. Again, the title of the book is <em>Are You Really OK?<\/em> by Debra Fileta. Order online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call to order at 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe know, here at FamilyLife, that the next few weeks may be a stressful season for you on top of everything else we\u2019ve gone through over the last couple of years. The Christmas season can add additional stress and burden to our lives. It\u2019s easy to become overwhelmed and become exhausted. At FamilyLife, we want to be here to provide ongoing help and hope for whatever issues you are dealing with in your marriage and your family. We seek to effectively develop godly marriages and families to provide you, every day, with practical biblical help and hope for marriage and your family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere is a team of you, who listen regularly, who have become more than listeners; you have become the patrons, who make <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> possible in your community and make it possible for hundreds of thousands of people all around the world. We are so grateful for those of you, who in the past, donated to support this ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>During the month of December, we want to ask a very special favor of you. We\u2019ve had some friends of the ministry, who have come to us and put together a matching-gift fund. They have put into that fund $1.5 million; and they have said every donation we receive, during the month of December, they will allow us to withdraw from that fund a matching amount. So if you call us today or go online and make a $100 donation, we can take a $100 out of that fund; your gift is matched, dollar for dollar. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s an exciting opportunity for us, and we want to make sure we take full advantage of everything that is in that matching-gift fund. To do that, we need to hear from as many <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners as possible. So would you, today, make a yearend contribution in support of this ministry? We need you, and we hope you\u2019ll take that step today. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com and donate online, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY and make your donation by phone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you do, we\u2019ll say, \u201cThank you,\u201d by sending you, first of all, a fun gift\u2014a deck of playing cards that have on them conversation starters for you and your family\u2014but we\u2019re also going to send you a copy of Dane Ortlund\u2019s new devotional from the book of Psalms, 150 daily devotions. The book is called <em>In the Lord, I Take Refuge<\/em>. This devotional will be a <em>great<\/em> way for you to start the new year or even to help you keep your mind focused on the Lord during the Christmas season. Again, make your donation online at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Pray for us that we can take full advantage of the matching-gift opportunity; and we look forward to hearing from you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church this weekend, and I hope you can join us back on Monday when Pastor Stephen Viars is going to be here to talk with us about how important it is for us to deal with lingering bitterness in our heart. This can come up during the holiday season; right? How do we uproot bitterness and come to a place of forgiveness and reconciliation? That\u2019s our topic Monday. I hope you can be with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOn behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you Monday for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:28:57"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["26.5M"],"filesize_raw":["27791603"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-307314.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-307314.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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it feel hard to find your way out of emotional trauma? Counselor, speaker, and relationship expert Debra Fileta helps you identify personal trauma\u2014and a clear path toward healing.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-12-03.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We live in such a culture where fitness is so important, and body image, and all of that. When we were going to seminary, I got into this real fitness phase. Do you remember this? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, do I remember! [Laughter] You were like six percent body fat? What was it?\u2014four percent? Look at her; she had <em>four<\/em> right on her lips. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, it was terrible; because I was teaching classes at a gym. This was when the fitness craze hit the culture, where gyms were opening. I had been teaching these classes with a hundred people in them, but we had to do body fat testing once a month in order to teach there. If it got to be a certain point, we were disqualified; and we\u2019d have to lose weight in order to teach. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWelcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, there is a lot of messed up stuff in my background with eating disorders and all kinds of stuff. So talk about triggering\u2014now, I\u2019m like, \u201cI\u2019m winning the competition,\u201d\u2014so I dropped my body fat down to four percent. This was just messed up anyway, and it is just <em>feeding<\/em> all of my insecurities. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dave:<\/strong> She\u2014I remember this class at this gym\u2014all the men took her class, because she\u2019s the hardest instructor; and she was! She was a former gymnast\u2014she just\u2014I couldn\u2019t even <em>survive<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So then, at the same time, we\u2019re taking seminary classes. I took some classes, especially on how to do counseling. I\u2019m thinking, \u201cOh, this will be fun that I can help people.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs we\u2019re in the class, they\u2019re doing our family tree. And then, we get into abuse. Then I\u2019m digging into sexual abuse that I experienced\/that I had told you about. I thought, \u201cOh, that\u2019s in the past. It\u2019s fine; it\u2019s over.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, of course, [at that time], I haven\u2019t dealt with any of it. [Then], I\u2019m starting to deal with it: I\u2019m crying every night; I\u2019m working out every night. I\u2019m realizing, \u201cOh, this mental health thing\u2026\u201d\u2014it wasn\u2019t even a word back then that we used very much, but this was something that was effecting every single area of my life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We started on a journey of mental, emotional, spiritual\u2014and the physical\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014healing \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014it was all part of it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s interesting to be sitting here, with a therapist looking across the table at us, thinking, \u201cOh, boy, were you guys\u2026\u201d\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>You\u2019d love to dig in.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>You\u2019d love to have us in your office\u2014we sort of are sitting in your office right now in the studio. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got Debra Fileta with us today. You\u2019ve written a book called <em>Are You Really OK?<\/em> I know you are looking at us, like, \u201cNo, you guys aren\u2019t.\u201d [Laughter] Well, we\u2019re glad to have you back at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Welcome back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Thank you for having me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, we\u2019ve talked about quite a few things in this book; but I love your subtitle: <em>Getting Real About Who You Are, How You Are Doing, and Why It Matters<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> There are different aspects to health that we really have to focus on. Just being a Christian doesn\u2019t make us healthy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s funny that you mention the physical fitness in the gym, because we don\u2019t have that mentality with our physical health. We <em>don\u2019t<\/em> assume that, when we come to Jesus, we\u2019re going to be at the right BMI;\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, that is <em>so true<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u2014our blood pressure is going to be right; our cholesterol is going to be perfect, But we make that assumption with our mental health and our emotional health. We <em>assume<\/em> that, when I come to Jesus, \u201cI\u2019m <em>good<\/em> in these areas,\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s good.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cHe\u2019s fixed it all.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> We don\u2019t see the process, like going to the gym. I always tell people, \u201cWell, what if we were to start seeing counseling kind of like we see going to the gym?\u201d \u201cI\u2019m going to work my emotional and mental muscles and get them strong and <em>fit<\/em>.\u201d I mean, we\u2019d be high-fiving each other; you know what I mean? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; \u201cYou\u2019re going to counseling! Way to go!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Would you say that almost everybody could use that kind of therapy? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> One hundred percent. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> I say that, as a therapist, I understand; [Laughter] but also as a woman, who has been through my <em>own<\/em> personal journey of mental health, and needing counseling, and needing medication. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Okay, talk about that a little bit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What is your journey? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Five years ago, I went through a really traumatic miscarriage; it was actually an unexpected miscarriage. I went in for a routine appointment. I found out that I had lost the baby; and then while I was at the appointment, just by chance, I started hemorrhaging,\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u2014bleeding to the point where I almost lost my life. The doctor literally ran me to the emergency room in the wheelchair. She said I was just minutes away from losing my life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou recover from that\u2014the loss\/the trauma\u2014like we talked about earlier. You deal with it; you grieve. You go home, and you live your life again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut the thing about trauma is it\u2019s not a once-and-done experience. You\u2019ve got to really process it in layers: it comes back for a <em>new<\/em> opportunity for healing, and then a <em>next<\/em> layer of healing, and then a <em>next<\/em> layer of healing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014which people always are so frustrated with\u2014I was frustrated with this. I thought, when I was done with seminary, and I had done these counseling classes, \u201cI\u2019m healed! I\u2019ve done it; it will <em>never<\/em> come back.\u201d And then something triggers it a few years later. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And there is another <em>layer<\/em> to be dealt with. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Not only that, but sometimes, people think time will help me heal; but time does not heal all wounds. In fact, some wounds, when left with time, will just get infected\u2014it will get <em>worse<\/em>\u2014not better. That is trauma in a nutshell. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I went home, a few years later, when life was safe and secure, I started having symptoms of panic attacks that came out of nowhere. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> This was, like, months later after the miscarriage? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> It was actually about two years later\/\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Wow. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Wow! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u2014two years later, when it\u2019s not even in my mind anymore. But your body remembers; your <em>brain<\/em> remembers. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember I was on a safari bus with the kids, and I started feeling really hot and kind of light-headed. My body remembered what I didn\u2019t: when I was hemorrhaging, I felt light-headed; I\u2019d actually said to the nurse, \u201cI\u2019m feeling light-headed. Can I get a drink?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI didn\u2019t realize what was happening; my body was like: \u201cYou\u2019re feeling light-headed again; uh-oh.\u201d There is a part of your brain called your amygdala. The amygdala is responsible for emotional memory; it remembers these deep emotions. When my amygdala sensed the presence of light-headedness, the first thing it probably went back to was: \u201cUh-oh, the last time you felt light-headed, you almost died. This is an emergency!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYour body goes into fight-or-flight false alarming; and that\u2019s what a panic attack essentially is. Your body has false alarms that are rooted in something a little deeper. I had to learn to <em>identify<\/em> what that looked like in my <em>own<\/em> life and begin the process of healing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> So\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s just amazing how God has made our brain, which is fascinating and beautiful, but it can play tricks on you if you don\u2019t know how to: \u201cOkay, mentally, what do I do?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019m thinking of so many of our listeners\u2014that maybe they\u2019ve experienced depression or panic attacks, or their kids are right now\u2014and they feel at a loss of: \u201cWhat are my next steps?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Well, first and foremost, we thank the Lord for giving us that response; because it is protective: \u201cThank You that my body reacts to danger and stress\u201d; but now, I\u2019ve got to understand the effects of trauma on this reaction that is causing me to overreact. For each person, it is going to look a little differently. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTrauma fills our mind with lies. How I like to think of trauma: it\u2019s like, if your life is a book, chapter by chapter, trauma is like that big black sharpie that just scribbles all over that page with lies. For me, the lie was: \u201cYou almost died; you could die again.\u201d What was the truth? The truth was I was in God\u2019s hands all along. Part of dealing with our trauma is learning to see it through God\u2019s eyes; learning to replace it with what is actually true: \u201cThat I am safe,\u201d \u201cThat I am loved,\u201d \u201dThat my days are numbered and in His hands.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere is mental work to be done in battling trauma, and so much of that mental work can be done in the context of therapy. It\u2019s such a helpful way to get a jumpstart on some of that mental work. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, talk about truth; because we have to replace lies. It may be a physical trauma like that; but it could be lies we\u2019ve heard or even been told from childhood of: \u201cI\u2019m worthless,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m not wanted,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m not gifted.\u201d You come into adulthood, and you are living out lies. How do we replace those? Therapy is, obviously, going to help. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> How many ways can we replace lies with truth? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> I think it starts with us identifying those lies to begin with. I think sometimes we are on autopilot. We don\u2019t even realize all the lies that we are carrying and living out of; we don\u2019t even acknowledge them. I think a huge part of it is recognizing those lies, and then beginning to replace them with God\u2019s truth: \u201cWhat does God\u2019s Word say?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut here is what I always have to be cautious because, for some people, this response is so intense that it can be characterized as clinical anxiety, clinical depression, panic attacks. What happens, then, is that your chemistry is actually changing. Your stress chemicals, the cortisol, is getting so high that it\u2019s beginning to highjack your body\u2019s ability to absorb the good chemicals\/the feel-good chemicals of dopamine and serotonin. When that shift begins to happen chemically, some people need medication in order to even be able to digest God\u2019s truth. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember the times in my <em>worst<\/em> moments with panic and depression, if somebody would have given me Scripture, I would have been like, \u201cWhat do I do with this?! I feel horrible; I feel like I\u2019m dying. I need you to save me, not give me Scripture.\u201d This is where I feel like the church has to be <em>cautious<\/em> in how we talk about mental and emotional health. God is in the work of <em>healing<\/em>, and all of these things can move us in the direction of healing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This would be\/you\u2019re talking about cognitive disorders. You\u2019re saying, like, \u201cOh, when we\u2019re at this point, it\u2019s okay to come in with a therapist\/with a psychologist and psychiatrist to administer some medication\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014that can help with a chemical. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Just like a diabetic will go get insulin and change their lifestyle\u2014get insulin, pray over the situation\u2014we\u2019ve got to see mental health in the same way and tackle it in a holistic approach as well. Maybe this problem with worry, that\u2019s controlling my life, is actually undiagnosed, clinical depression or clinical anxiety. I\u2019m not putting a name to it, so I don\u2019t even know how to begin countering it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, sometimes, Christians are afraid that, when we name it, we claim it. God doesn\u2019t lose His power; when we name it, I now see my responsibility in the equation\/what I need to start doing differently. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So you\u2019re seeing both come, hand in hand\u2014like Scripture is important; God\u2019s Word is so alive and vibrant\u2014but also, sometimes, we bring in medication that could possibly help and a therapist that can guide us in that area. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Yes, 100 percent. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Do you think a Christian therapist? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> I do. I think that\u2019s an important piece to the puzzle, because true healing is multifaceted. True healing involves our emotional health, our mental health, our physical health, and our spiritual health; they all work together. There are so many resources out there; but even if you go to my website\u2014TrueLoveDates.com\/Counseling\u2014there are all kinds of databases and opportunities to connect with licensed counselors, who are also Christians. There are so many different places that have resources for good Christian counselors. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I know I\u2019ve shared here, in the last 18 months, I sat down with a therapist. It was <em>amazing<\/em> to me as we sort of put up my life and my childhood on a white board. He had this God-given gift to go: \u201cHey, let\u2019s talk about this.\u201d I\u2019d be like, \u201cWhy that?!\u201d Five minutes later, I\u2019m like, \u201cOh boy; he\u2019s identified something in my life that is triggering and active in my life.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll I know\u2014and I\u2019m not saying we\u2019re done\u2014but as I went through this year with Greg\u2014and then Ann went over, and we did it as a couple\u2014I thought, \u201cI wish I had done this \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t30 years ago.\u201d I thought, \u201cWhat a gift I could have given my kids, 30 years ago.\u201d At the same time, I\u2019m thinking, \u201cI\u2019m not done.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, it\u2019s never too late. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s never too late. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> I love that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> God can change me in my 60s, and I can have an impact on my marriage and my kids at this point. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut let\u2019s talk about another thing you write about in your book, the physical part as well with the mental. I think we underestimate even the power of <em>rest<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So talk about how the <em>physical<\/em> helps us heal as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> You know, the body-mind connection is real; and when our mind is struggling, our bodies will struggle. When our bodies are struggling, our mind will also struggle. So even as something as basic as sleep\u2014when we\u2019re not sleeping well, it affects our mental health\u2014our ability to concentrate, and focus, and process, and even our ability to just not get overwhelmed. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo looking at our sleep; looking at our exercise, which actually increases our serotonin and dopamine\/those good-feeling chemicals; looking at our diet\u2014all of these things are a part of the equation\u2014I also say looking at your schedule. Because sometimes, we are doing so much in the name of ministry\/in the name of the Lord; but we\u2019re depleted. We are running on empty; we\u2019re not healthy, emotionally and mentally. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf we are like a well, pouring out to others, we have to be pouring out of our fullness, not out of our emptiness. We don\u2019t want to wait until we get to a place of burnout before we take care of ourselves. We want to start taking care of ourselves before we get to empty. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You said in your book, and even at lunch, that you and John say, \u201cNo,\u201d <em>a lot<\/em>. What does that look like, because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; because you have four kids; you are travelling; you\u2019re speaking; you\u2019re a therapist. You guys have a lot on your plate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> You know, we\u2019ve learned that you can only do a few things well. So we\u2019ve begun the discipline of focusing on the things that we can do and saying, \u201cNo,\u201d to everything else. For us, that looks like the amount of activities our kids are allowed to be in\/the amount of ministries that we\u2019re allowing ourselves to be a part of. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, you know, in this field, you get so many invitations and opportunities; but not all opportunities are opportunities you say, \u201cYes,\u201d to. Sometimes, you\u2019ve got to say, \u201cYou know what? I\u2019m not going to be able to say, \u2018Yes\u2019; because when I say, \u2018Yes,\u2019 to this, I\u2019m inadvertently saying, \u2018No,\u2019 to time with my family, to my own personal mental health, to my own marriage and investing in my marriage.\u201d Realizing that there is power in that word; it\u2019s not an anti-Christian word and neither is self-care. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> A lot of times, people think self-care is an anti-Christian word; but Jesus Himself knew what it looked like to get away; to say, \u201cNo\u201d; to spend time with the Father so that He could be filled up; to sleep: I love the passage when Jesus gets on the boat and is like, \u201cI\u2019m going to go take a nap.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And the <em>storm<\/em> doesn\u2019t even wake Him up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> He modeled what it looked like to take care of Himself, allow the Father to pour into Him; so that, He could pour into others. What a beautiful example for us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I want to end, Debra, talking about\u2014maybe, you\u2019ve done this too\u2014I\u2019ve talked to so many women, who feel like their kids are shut down emotionally or their husband has shut down emotionally. They see: \u201cOh, I see the greatness in my husband; if he would just look at this area\u2026\u201d; but their husband or their kids are saying, \u201cNo, I\u2019m okay; I\u2019m fine.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs a spouse, or a parent, or grandparent, coach us: \u201cDo we just pray?\u201d \u201cDo we talk?\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s the best steps for us to take?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> You know, it\u2019s really hard when it\u2019s somebody that is not in your control\u2014your child,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Don\u2019t you hate that?! [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u2014your spouse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s the worst thing: you can\u2019t control them! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> It is <em>very<\/em> difficult. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think there are two steps. Number one: Model it yourself, so begin to share. Use that vocabulary with my children: \u201cThis is how I\u2019m feeling\u2026\u201d \u201cThis is what I\u2019m going through\u2026\u201d :This is what I\u2019m stressed out about\u2026\u201d \u201cThis is what I\u2019m overwhelmed with\u2026\u201d Start modeling those words. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You even do that with your kids? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> I do. I do an activity with the kids, where I sit them down, and have them color the feelings in their body; so we can begin to talk about them. I lay that all out in <em>Are You Really OK?<\/em>\u2014what that activity looks like and how to apply it to your family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut with grown-ups\/with adults, you want to begin to even model that language in your marriage\/begin opening up in your marriage. I think that vulnerability begins to take the walls down; it\u2019s like, \u201cOh, you\u2019re being vulnerable. Maybe, I can be vulnerable too.\u201d Modeling it is really important. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen learning to ask the right questions\u2014I think sometimes, we ask accusing questions\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u2014rather than inviting questions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Give us an example of both. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> You know, for example, say [speaking forcefully], \u201cYou seem like you are just so stressed out these days. Tell me what\u2019s going on! Is there something going on with you that I don\u2019t know about?\u201d\u2014versus\u2014[softer tone] \u201cYou know what, honey? I\u2019d love to pray for you. What is something that you feel is causing stress right now in your life that I can be praying for you about?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis takes practice; this doesn\u2019t just happen overnight. Like I said earlier, this type of practice is something you have to learn and to check in with each other. What that can do\u2014to be on the same page with one another\/to help each other\u2014you have a built-in partner; sometimes, it starts with modeling that\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u2014and asking those questions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Man, I think\/here is what I want to put into practice. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh good! Are we agreeing to do something? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019m saying this out loud; I\u2019m hoping some listeners will go, \u201cYou know what? I\u2019m with you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOver the last several sessions, talking to you about this, number 1 is a journal, where I would write down: \u201cWhat emotions am I feeling?\u201d and \u201cWhat lies am I hearing?\u201d and replacing that with truth. Literally, write those down; that would be interesting. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd what you just said\u2014the Sunday night check-in\u2014I\u2019m thinking 9 o\u2019clock for a couple to, at least, once a week, check in and talk about emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual health <em>together<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And coming in without accusing one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014that could transform a marriage, just that conversation. I think\u2014I don\u2019t know it like you do\u2014but you are so right. It would be so awkward at first; it\u2019s like a new workout:\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cI don\u2019t know how to do this.\u201d Well, guess what?\u2014you get in there; you learn; you keep doing it; and pretty soon, you\u2019re going to get pretty good at it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think we\u2019d all have to admit the last\/almost two years now have taken a toll on our emotional health\/our mental health; all of us are weary. The extent to which our mental health has been affected by the events of the pandemic and by the turbulence in our culture\u2014that\u2019s going to vary from person to person\u2014but we\u2019ve all been impacted. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd to help us get a grip on our own mental, and emotional, and spiritual health, Debra has written a book called <em>Are You Really OK?<\/em> The subtitle is: <em>Getting Real About Who You Are, How You Are Doing, and Why It Matters<\/em>. Her book is a good first step in self-diagnosis and in providing some steps we can each take to become healthier people. We\u2019ve got Debra\u2019s book in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can request your copy from us online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to get your copy. Again, the title of the book is <em>Are You Really OK?<\/em> by Debra Fileta. Order online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call to order at 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe know, here at FamilyLife, that the next few weeks may be a stressful season for you on top of everything else we\u2019ve gone through over the last couple of years. The Christmas season can add additional stress and burden to our lives. It\u2019s easy to become overwhelmed and become exhausted. At FamilyLife, we want to be here to provide ongoing help and hope for whatever issues you are dealing with in your marriage and your family. We seek to effectively develop godly marriages and families to provide you, every day, with practical biblical help and hope for marriage and your family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere is a team of you, who listen regularly, who have become more than listeners; you have become the patrons, who make <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> possible in your community and make it possible for hundreds of thousands of people all around the world. We are so grateful for those of you, who in the past, donated to support this ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>During the month of December, we want to ask a very special favor of you. We\u2019ve had some friends of the ministry, who have come to us and put together a matching-gift fund. They have put into that fund $1.5 million; and they have said every donation we receive, during the month of December, they will allow us to withdraw from that fund a matching amount. So if you call us today or go online and make a $100 donation, we can take a $100 out of that fund; your gift is matched, dollar for dollar. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s an exciting opportunity for us, and we want to make sure we take full advantage of everything that is in that matching-gift fund. To do that, we need to hear from as many <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners as possible. So would you, today, make a yearend contribution in support of this ministry? We need you, and we hope you\u2019ll take that step today. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com and donate online, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY and make your donation by phone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you do, we\u2019ll say, \u201cThank you,\u201d by sending you, first of all, a fun gift\u2014a deck of playing cards that have on them conversation starters for you and your family\u2014but we\u2019re also going to send you a copy of Dane Ortlund\u2019s new devotional from the book of Psalms, 150 daily devotions. The book is called <em>In the Lord, I Take Refuge<\/em>. This devotional will be a <em>great<\/em> way for you to start the new year or even to help you keep your mind focused on the Lord during the Christmas season. Again, make your donation online at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Pray for us that we can take full advantage of the matching-gift opportunity; and we look forward to hearing from you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church this weekend, and I hope you can join us back on Monday when Pastor Stephen Viars is going to be here to talk with us about how important it is for us to deal with lingering bitterness in our heart. This can come up during the holiday season; right? How do we uproot bitterness and come to a place of forgiveness and reconciliation? That\u2019s our topic Monday. I hope you can be with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOn behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you Monday for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/307314","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=307314"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=307314"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=307314"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=307314"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=307314"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=307314"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=307314"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}