{"id":307313,"date":"2021-12-02T08:03:50","date_gmt":"2021-12-02T13:03:50","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/does-my-emotional-health-really-matter\/"},"modified":"2021-12-02T08:03:50","modified_gmt":"2021-12-02T13:03:50","slug":"does-my-emotional-health-really-matter","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/does-my-emotional-health-really-matter\/","title":{"rendered":"Does my emotional health really matter?"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Is your emotional health on the back burner? Counselor, speaker, and relationship expert Debra Fileta explores how your emotional health might be controlling more than you think.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-12-02.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:54","filesize":"25.55M","filesize_raw":"26787665","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2846,2873],"tags":[5161,6244,2874,6152],"podcast_series":[8491],"cwp_profile":[9748],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-307313","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-depression","category-mental-and-emotional-issues","tag-emotions","tag-feelings","tag-mental-health","tag-truth","podcast_series-are-you-really-ok","cwp_profile-debra-fileta","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/307313\/does-my-emotional-health-really-matter","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/307313\/does-my-emotional-health-really-matter","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"YqqkhPONkC\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/does-my-emotional-health-really-matter\/\">Does my emotional health really matter?<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/does-my-emotional-health-really-matter\/embed\/#?secret=YqqkhPONkC\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Does my emotional health really matter?&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"YqqkhPONkC\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-12-02.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-12-02.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What I remember about going to church as a little boy\u2014like six, seven, eight years old\u2014with my mom\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s good you have memories of that. I don\u2019t have memories of going to church,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Really? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014because I didn\u2019t. Yes, I didn\u2019t go. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, they are not good memories really; because I can remember\u2014you know, we\u2019re going to church\u2014my dad has just walked out with his girlfriend\/left our family; my little brother just died of leukemia\u2014and we\u2019d walk in. I remember hearing this conversation many times: \u201cSo, Janice,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s my mom\u2019s name\u2014\u201chow are you doing?\u201d \u201cOh, good; doing really good.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI look up at her like: \u201cNo, we\u2019re not! We\u2019re <em>not<\/em>; we\u2019re not doing\u2026\u201d \u201cThis is\u2026\u201d\u2014really\u2014but at church, you were supposed to put on\u2014I learned this\u2014you were supposed to put on the mask. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014put on a mask. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWelcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> If you had problems or had things going on in your life, those were <em>not<\/em> shared there. It was: \u201cPut on the mask; smile, because God is good all the time; and you\u2019re life is okay.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s so sad. Like think of the trauma, as a little boy, that you were in at that moment. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It would have been great for you to just be able to share your little heart of all the little things going on. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Obviously, as a pastor, I always had a phrase: \u201cDrop your mask at the door; we don\u2019t wear masks here\u201d; because the truth is we are <em>not<\/em> okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Today, we get to talk about emotional health, spiritual health, even physical health with an author who wrote a book, which is a <em>great<\/em> title, <em>Are You Really OK?<\/em> Debra Fileta, welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Thank you so much for having me and for being <em>brave<\/em> enough to tackle that question. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think it is a <em>great<\/em> question that we should <em>all<\/em> ask. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Very few people are writing about this emotional health, especially in the church and in the Christian community, because it\u2019s the place, where you sort of say, \u201cGod\u2019s got it. I have enough faith; I\u2019m okay, so I\u2019m good,\u201d\u2014when we\u2019re not always good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tObviously, this became a passion of yours as a therapist, as a mom\u2014four kids\u2014<em>amazing<\/em> husband John; we met at lunch. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You\u2019re a speaker. You are even a contributor to <em>Relevant Magazine<\/em>. You have your own podcast, which is cool because it\u2019s a call-in podcast with questions. What\u2019s the name of it? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> <em>Love and Relationships<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So you have listeners calling in with their questions,\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014and you are answering their questions.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Let\u2019s dive into what you\u2019ve been calling the deep end, where I don\u2019t always want to swim. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And this is your soapbox, you said. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Yes, this is the passion that God has given me right now: is to really have Christians get real about how they are doing and realize, \u201cJust because you are a Christian, doesn\u2019t mean you are healthy.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Why is this so important and passionate to you? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Well, for a couple of reasons. First of all, with working with my clients, seeing people from all over the country\u2014different socioeconomic status, different leaders, teachers, pastors, celebrities\u2014all have one thing in common; and that is, the journey with emotional and mental health\/the struggle with emotional and mental health. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey did this study called \u201cThe Better-Than-Average Effect,\u201d where they took a lot of people, and they asked them questions about themselves\u2014assessment questions\u2014\u201cHow moral are you compared to your peers?\u201d \u201cHow good of a driver are you compared to your peers?\u201d \u201cHow nice are you?\u201d\u2014all these different questions, rating themselves. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe majority of people rated themselves as better-than-average; but the majority can\u2019t be better-than-average, mathematically speaking. [Laughter] Someone has got to fall below the mean; right? It\u2019s just the reminder that we tend to <em>assume<\/em> that we are better than we really are. I think that problem is even <em>bigger<\/em> in the church. I think we can acknowledge, easily, that our souls are saved and that Jesus has saved us; and we can focus on our spiritual growth and our spiritual health, all the while, our emotional and mental health are lacking. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>What we don\u2019t realize is that our lack of emotional and mental health is actually <em>sabotaging<\/em> our spiritual health, because it keeps us limited in our growth and maturity. God calls us to full healing. When the disciples asked Jesus: \u201cWhat\u2019s the greatest commandment?\u201d Jesus said, \u201cLove the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength,\u201d\u2014four parts. Heart represents emotional health; soul represents spiritual health; mind represents mental health; strength represents our physical health. I think, sometimes, we get kind of caught up loving God with our soul; and we forget all the other areas are important too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yet, each one affects the other. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> And add to that the effects of social media now, where we, literally, are conditioned to put our <em>best<\/em> face out there\u2014our picture-perfect lives\/these snippets\u2014that I think sometimes we are so used to living on that superficial, perfect level that we forget that there is <em>more<\/em> going on underneath the surface. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen we struggle with something, as a society, that I call toxic optimism, where we want to be so optimistic: \u201cEverything is good,\u201d and \u201cLife is good,\u201d\u2014and make it Christian: \u201cGod is good all the time,\u201d\u2014that we forget to really acknowledge and grieve, and get to the root of what is hurting, what is wrong, what we need to adjust. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>But when we look at Jesus, the most incredible example, He wasn\u2019t a man who ignored how He felt, even the hard emotions. I mean, Jesus felt the spectrum of emotions. What makes Him different than us is how He handled His emotions; He expressed them in a healthy way. We sometimes don\u2019t even acknowledge them; [in other words], repress them or we handle them in unhealthy ways. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe process of becoming an emotionally-healthy person starts with acknowledging what I feel and then learning to express it in a healthy way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; help us understand that. I didn\u2019t come to Christ until my junior year in college, so I\u2019m 20 years old. One of things I think I picked up\u2014maybe, I was taught it; maybe, I just picked it up\u2014was now, that I\u2019m in Christ, it\u2019s all about the spiritual. The emotions don\u2019t matter much anymore. You just sort of\u2014if you are having a bad day or you\u2019re struggling\u2014and I was like: \u201cI don\u2019t have panic attacks,\u201d \u201cI don\u2019t have insecurities like everybody else. I\u2019m better than most people\u201d; right?\u2014[Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cbetter than average.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014that\u2019s what I\u2019m <em>thinking<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was sort of taught, \u201cIt\u2019s <em>all<\/em> spiritual\u201d; and if you have <em>any<\/em> negative emotion, you just push it aside, and you pray, and you trust God, and you move on. You don\u2019t deal with it. That\u2019s <em>not<\/em> a big part of your life anymore; it\u2019s Jesus. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tObviously, I\u2019ve learned that was <em>very bad<\/em> theology; and you know that better than anybody. Help us understand: \u201cWhy are the emotions important?\u201d and \u201cHow do we deal with them?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Well, \u201cWhy is this bad theology?\u201d\u2014like you said\u2014and \u201cWhy is this important?\u201d [It] is because human beings are like a volcano. When you think about it, what is going on underneath the surface of a volcano is that there is pressure building. The magma is creating all of this pressure. Emotions are kind of like that\u2014the stress, the discouragement, the insecurities, even the good emotions\u2014are building pressure. When we don\u2019t acknowledge and identify those emotions, the pressure just builds, and builds, and builds until it finds the point of least resistance. And just like a volcano, we are faced with an emotional explosion. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEveryone\u2019s emotional explosion looks a little bit different, but the idea is that there are things going on underneath the surface that we haven\u2019t dealt with in a healthy way. Part of being emotionally-healthy people is learning, number one, to name what we are feeling\u2014just like Jesus did\u2014to put <em>words<\/em> to those feelings. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me remind you: \u201cThis isn\u2019t a gender thing.\u201d I think some people think, \u201cWell, men aren\u2019t as good at expressing their emotions.\u201d If you are not convinced by the example of Jesus, look at David; look at the Psalms. This isn\u2019t a gender thing because this is something we learn how to do or <em>not<\/em> learn how to do. Maybe, society conditions men not to be good learners when it comes to emotional expression; but this is a big part of it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> When you say, \u201cAcknowledge it,\u201d or \u201cName what you are feeling,\u201d\u2014like talk to us, as a listener, [who\u2019s] never done this. They are listening and hearing this for the first time; and they are thinking, \u201cI think I\u2019m okay.\u201d What do you mean by: \u201cLet\u2019s start naming what you are feeling\u201d? How do they begin? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Yes; in <em>Are You Really OK?<\/em>, I give you some practical things. Let\u2019s talk through some of those things. There is a lot of homework in this book; this isn\u2019t a book you read\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u2014and just be done with. It\u2019s something you kind of have to work through, almost like a therapy session. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne thing I will have you do is a timeline. Talk me through the things in your life, from childhood to today, that have impacted you, both good and bad. Let\u2019s talk through some of those significant things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnother thing I have you do is an assessment. That assessment is actually something you can download\/print out. It will talk you through check boxes\u2014to go through some of the things, in the past 12 months, that have caused stress in your life\u2014because even good things can cause stress. A marriage is ranked just a little bit lower on stress than a divorce. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Wow! [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> If you think about it\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u2014they are both <em>significant<\/em> life changes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Wait; wait. Most of us think a marriage would just <em>bring<\/em> emotional health\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014and life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014rather than cause stress, but it really is a stressor. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> It\u2019s a stressor. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, I\u2019m thinking of\u2014even the timeline\u2014because this is something Dave and I have done, as a couple; but we have done it with other couples, where someone will get up, and they will write out a little picture of their timeline in their life. They will share the highs and lows and the things that happened in their lives. Almost every time we\u2019ve done this with couples\u2014and even each other\u2014like to hear the pain that you\u2019ve gone through\/what you\u2019ve <em>felt<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014a lot of trauma. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh! And we <em>cry<\/em>, hearing people\u2019s stories. Then I think, at the end, we\u2019ve always prayed for each other. It\u2019s the most beautiful, intimate thing that we\u2019ve done for each other and within our family group of friends too. It\u2019s <em>beautiful<\/em>, so I love that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo you are doing the timeline; but even the\u2014what was the second one? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> The stress scale. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> The stress scale; that\u2019s <em>really<\/em> good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Another activity is the emotional wheel. I talk about this man named Robert Plutchik, who came up with this emotional wheel\u2014it\u2019s like a color wheel\u2014and gave each emotion a different color. The mixture of two emotions produces a <em>third<\/em> emotion. If you google a list of emotions, you can find lists with 300-500 different words. I mean, think about all the emotions out there that we don\u2019t really take the time to identify. A lot of times, we\u2019re just like, \u201cWell, I\u2019m just stressed.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014or \u201cHow do you feel?\u201d \u201cFine.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u201cGood,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m good.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u201cGood,\u201d isn\u2019t actually an emotion. \u201cGood,\u201d is a description of emotion\u2014some emotions feel good; some feel not so good\u2014but \u201cGood,\u201d itself is not an emotion. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the number-one answers people give me, when I ask them how they are feeling about something, is: \u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m not sure.\u201d Well, \u201cThink about it: we\u2019ve got to do some <em>digging<\/em> to identify\/put words to what we are feeling. And then, express what we are feeling\u201d; that is step two. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> How do you help them dig? Because when you said that, I\u2019m like, \u201cOh my goodness! How many times did I say that?\u201d [Laughter] Ann would say, \u201cWhat are you feeling?\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I <em>didn\u2019t<\/em> know how to process it; now, I know there was stuff connected to my childhood I had <em>never<\/em> dealt with. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You had shut down your feelings. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But as a married man, I am <em>wanting<\/em> to tell her. I <em>really<\/em> felt like, \u201cI don\u2019t know. I feel something, but\u2026\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> You know, something that strikes me about your story\u2014and I know this isn\u2019t a therapy session\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Oh, here we go. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, here we go! What?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u2014but when you were just in the intro, you talked about what you went through:\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u2014your parents divorcing, your sibling dying of leukemia. When we go through such <em>intense<\/em> emotional incidents, what our body does, oftentimes, is it numbs our feelings; because that\u2019s how we survive. I have to: \u201cThe emotions are <em>so loud<\/em>; if I don\u2019t turn down the volume, I\u2019m not going to survive this.\u201d We turn down the volume of the emotions\u2014our body kind of naturally does that\u2014but then what ends up happening is we live life with the volume down. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, that is so interesting. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s what\u2014I know this isn\u2019t a Dave therapy session\u2014but that is what many have complimented me on. They say, \u201cOh, you are just so steady. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cYou\u2019re steady.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> That\u2019s what it looks like from the outside\u2014the steadiness\u2014but you know, and you\u2019ve done the work to know this\u2014but really, it\u2019s an inability to go there: \u201cI\u2019d rather not. I\u2019m just so comfortable with being here\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cin this easy zone.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, just last month, Dave happened to talk to his sister. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Hey, can we be done with me now? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Love it, Dave. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Can we move on to somebody else? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, it\u2019s just so interesting; because their family was so filled with trauma. His siblings really don\u2019t talk to one another, but his sister has become a therapist. She\u2019s in her 70s. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Wow. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> She said, \u201cMy clients are just now teaching me what it means to feel.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Oh, man! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s <em>exactly<\/em> what you are saying, Debra: \u201cI\u2019ve had to turn down all of my emotions to the point, where I wasn\u2019t feeling; and now, for the first time, I\u2019m able to turn it up.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt makes you just give grace. That\u2019s why even asking your spouse, \u201cLet\u2019s talk about our stories and what you felt,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s a great beginning\u2014but I like this\/even naming the feelings\u2014that\u2019s good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, I think it\u2019s interesting\u2014and you know this better than anybody\u2014when you do sort of trace that extension cord\u2014when I taught about this, as a preacher, I had an extension cord <em>wrapped<\/em> around me and said, \u201cMan, I\u2019ve learned my emotions and things in my life are connected. They are plugged into something,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cand you\u2019ve got to go on this journey.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember, early in our marriage, Ann said to me one day, when I blew up at her for something\u2014she just turned to me\u2014I think the kids were very little; so we were married\u00a0 seven, eight\/maybe, ten years\u2014she said, \u201cYou know, I\u2019m not going to share things with you anymore because that\u2019s all you do: you just blow up.\u201d [Laughter] I\u2019m laughing now because, when she said that, I go, \u201cWhat are you talking about?!\u201d She just looked at me like, \u201cExhibit A\u201d; you know. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ll never forget; it began a journey for me. This was 30-some years ago, and I went to my men\u2019s group\u2014I have three other guys\u2014and I said to these guys, one Wednesday morning at six am; we met every week\u2014I said, \u201cHey, let me ask you a question: \u2018Of all the emotions you experience, as a man, which one do you experience the most?\u2019\u201d They <em>all<\/em> said, \u201cThat\u2019s easy; anger.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u201cAnger.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Anger is <em>definitely<\/em> it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Here is how I knew, because anger is a secondary emotion. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That is the journey I went on! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> It\u2019s the <em>safe<\/em> emotion. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t <em>know<\/em> that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> It\u2019s the easiest one to express, because it really doesn\u2019t require vulnerability. You are in control. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> You are the lion. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> But what\u2019s underneath anger? There is always something more, like: frustration, hurt, embarrassment, insecurity, feeling like you are not appreciated. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor so many people, the journey of learning to express how you feel is questioning: that is the third step. So identifying what you feel, expressing what you feel, but number three: questioning what you feel. Your feelings are real, but they are not always truth. Like you talked about the extension cord; I talk about a string of Christmas lights. The emotion lights up in different seasons; it might not be a true emotion. It might feel\u2014it\u2019s real, and I feel it\u2014but maybe, my body is signaling something that is not true.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor example, when you get worried about something\u2014but let\u2019s say you\u2019ve got something coming up\u2014let\u2019s just even give you an example from my life: travelling. Oftentimes, I find myself feeling worried that something might happen to the kids. My brain just starts going on these rabbit trails of worry, and fear, and stress. That feeling is real, but it\u2019s not necessarily rooted in truth. The truth is that God is in control; the truth is that this is what He has called me to do; the truth is that worrying cannot add one day to my life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo though my feelings are rooted in something, they may not always be true; and learning to differentiate that is really important. You have to question those emotions: \u201cWhere is this coming from?\u201d \u201cIs this real?\u201d \u201cIs this rooted in God\u2019s Word?\u201d \u201cWhat is this feeling rooted in?\u201d Then you begin to have control over your emotions than having them being in control of you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of my favorite things, as I was writing the chapter on emotional health, was looking at the life of Jesus and the different emotions He experienced. One of my favorite, most powerful things, was seeing Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, when He was bleeding, sweat was pouring out of His body in little droplets of blood. There are only three times in history that they\u2019ve identified that; and it\u2019s called hematidrosis. It\u2019s a condition, where your body is under so much stress, that they think it\u2019s a fight-or-flight response that <em>causes<\/em> your body to react in that way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you think about Jesus <em>feeling<\/em> that\u2014His body was telling Him to run; His feelings were like, \u201cGet out of here; this isn\u2019t safe,\u201d\u2014His feelings were <em>real<\/em>, but what did He do next? He relied on God\u2019s truth: \u201cLord, if this is Your will\u2026\u201d\/\u201dWhatever Your will is, that is what I am choosing.\u201d He chose to <em>stay<\/em>, even though His feelings told Him to run. He questioned those emotions, and He didn\u2019t listen to them; He listened to the Father. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor all of us, it\u2019s like: \u201cJust because I feel something, doesn\u2019t mean it is truth. What is God\u2019s truth, and how does that <em>inform<\/em> what I do next?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> As we wrap up today, and talking about emotional health, Debra, give us some homework [for] our listeners. Like one is: \u201cGet the book; kind of go through it.\u201d But as they\u2019re listening, what\u2019s the first step for them to take? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> I think emotional journaling is such an important part of the process. If you\u2019ve never really taken the time to think about how you feel and express it\u2014and maybe, you feel like you don\u2019t know somebody that you can express your emotions to\u2014start by journaling. Get a blank page; open your heart before the Lord, and just say, \u201cOkay, if I am going underneath the surface, what are some things that I have felt over the past month? When I say, \u2018I\u2019m stressed,\u2019 let me write out some of the things that are actually happening and the feeling that they induce.\u201d Begin to put <em>words<\/em> to how you feel and bring it before the Lord. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I know that, on my journey with the anger being a second emotion\u2014which, before that conversation with my buddies, I had <em>never<\/em> heard that\u2014because I went on sort of a journey, like you are saying. I was like: \u201cWhat is going on?\u2014this anger thing with me.\u201d I learned the things you were saying, like, \u201cOh, I\u2019m skipping right past the first emotion: hurt\/frustration to the thing.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI learned over the years\u2014I\u2019m not saying I\u2019m great at it\u2014but I call it the ABC\u2019s of handling your emotions: \u201cA\u201d: \u201cAcknowledge it,\u201d which often, even as a follower of Christ: \u201cOh, I\u2019m not angry,\u201d \u201cOh, yes, you are!\u201d But we think it is sin; and it is not sin, but it can <em>lead<\/em> to sin. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Sure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cB\u201d is: \u201cBack-track to that first emotion. What was it that I went by?\u201d Often, for me, it was emotional hurt; I\u2019m like, \u201cI don\u2019t want to admit that. What you said\/what you did hurt me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cI\u2019m just going to respond in anger,\u201d\u2014nope; that\u2019s a <em>bad<\/em> way to handle it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cC,\u201d then was: \u201cConfess it. Speak out that emotion in an appropriate way.\u201d I never knew how to do that. It was two things: \u201cI\u2019m not okay, but God can help me to be okay.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Everything you are saying in your book is such a gift. If we would take that journey, that you are telling us to take, it can change\u2014not only me\u2014it\u2019ll change my marriage. It will change my <em>legacy<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Amen. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014because you are laying patterns for your <em>future<\/em> generations out of your home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019ve probably heard it said, at some point, that: \u201cHurt people hurt people.\u201d If you have been hurt yourself\/if you are hurt, you are more likely to hurt other people. Jesus comes to us and says, \u201cI want to heal those hurts. I want to help you become healthy. I want to give you abundant life so that, out of that abundant life, you can help other people get healthy.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDebra Fileta has been talking today about how we diagnosis our own spiritual, and emotional, and mental health; and I think, in this particular season, many of us need to pull back and go: \u201cHow am I really? Am I really okay?\u201d Debra\u2019s book is called <em>Are You Really OK?<\/em>\u2014and it\u2019s a book to help us do just that\u2014to do a self-analysis. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s a book we\u2019ve got in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, to get a copy; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY and order the book by phone. Again, our website is FamilyLifeToday.com. The number to call to get Debra Fileta\u2019s book, <em>Are You Really<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>OK?<\/em>, is 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, here at FamilyLife, our goal is to effectively develop godly marriages and families. We believe godly marriages and families can change the world one home at a time. The month of December is actually a critical month for us, as it is for most ministries. It\u2019s during this month when we hear from listeners, who let us know how God has used the ministry of FamilyLife in their lives over the past year; and they make a yearend contribution to help continue the work of FamilyLife into the coming year. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re asking every <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listener: \u201cWould you take just a minute and ask yourself this question: \u2018Has God used FamilyLife in my life this year through an event, a resource?\u2019\u201d\u2014maybe, something you\u2019ve read online; maybe, it\u2019s this daily radio program or podcast that you connect with; and God has been using this to help strengthen your marriage, your family, your walk with Jesus. If that\u2019s the case, would you consider making a yearend contribution to help this ministry continue, not just for you, but for the hundreds of thousands of people, who are connecting with us every day from all around the world? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you make a donation during the month of December, whatever amount you donate, is going to be matched, dollar for dollar; that\u2019s up to a total of a $1.5 million. We have a matching-gift fund that some generous friends have put together for us; so every donation we receive this month is matched, dollar for dollar, to that total of $1.5 million. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn addition, we will send you, as a thank-you gift, a devotional book from Dane Ortlund called <em>In the Lord I Take Refuge: 150 Daily Devotions from the Book of Psalms<\/em>. It\u2019s a beautiful hard-cover book. We\u2019re also going to send you a fun item\u2014a deck of playing cards\u2014each card has a conversation starter on it so that, as you play games as a family, you can have some meaningful conversations. The book and the cards are our way of saying, \u201cThank you for your yearend support of this ministry.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can donate online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. Please do be praying for us that we would be able to take full advantage of the matching gift that has been made available during the month of December. We look forward to hearing from you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you can join us, again, tomorrow when we\u2019re going to talk about how hurts from the past can sometimes show up in the present and take us by surprise. What do we do when that happens? Debra Fileta will be here; we hope you can be here as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOn behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:27:54"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["25.55M"],"filesize_raw":["26787665"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-307313.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-307313.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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your emotional health on the back burner? Counselor, speaker, and relationship expert Debra Fileta explores how your emotional health might be controlling more than you think.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-12-02.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What I remember about going to church as a little boy\u2014like six, seven, eight years old\u2014with my mom\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s good you have memories of that. I don\u2019t have memories of going to church,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Really? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014because I didn\u2019t. Yes, I didn\u2019t go. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, they are not good memories really; because I can remember\u2014you know, we\u2019re going to church\u2014my dad has just walked out with his girlfriend\/left our family; my little brother just died of leukemia\u2014and we\u2019d walk in. I remember hearing this conversation many times: \u201cSo, Janice,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s my mom\u2019s name\u2014\u201chow are you doing?\u201d \u201cOh, good; doing really good.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI look up at her like: \u201cNo, we\u2019re not! We\u2019re <em>not<\/em>; we\u2019re not doing\u2026\u201d \u201cThis is\u2026\u201d\u2014really\u2014but at church, you were supposed to put on\u2014I learned this\u2014you were supposed to put on the mask. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014put on a mask. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWelcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> If you had problems or had things going on in your life, those were <em>not<\/em> shared there. It was: \u201cPut on the mask; smile, because God is good all the time; and you\u2019re life is okay.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s so sad. Like think of the trauma, as a little boy, that you were in at that moment. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It would have been great for you to just be able to share your little heart of all the little things going on. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Obviously, as a pastor, I always had a phrase: \u201cDrop your mask at the door; we don\u2019t wear masks here\u201d; because the truth is we are <em>not<\/em> okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Today, we get to talk about emotional health, spiritual health, even physical health with an author who wrote a book, which is a <em>great<\/em> title, <em>Are You Really OK?<\/em> Debra Fileta, welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Thank you so much for having me and for being <em>brave<\/em> enough to tackle that question. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think it is a <em>great<\/em> question that we should <em>all<\/em> ask. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Very few people are writing about this emotional health, especially in the church and in the Christian community, because it\u2019s the place, where you sort of say, \u201cGod\u2019s got it. I have enough faith; I\u2019m okay, so I\u2019m good,\u201d\u2014when we\u2019re not always good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tObviously, this became a passion of yours as a therapist, as a mom\u2014four kids\u2014<em>amazing<\/em> husband John; we met at lunch. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You\u2019re a speaker. You are even a contributor to <em>Relevant Magazine<\/em>. You have your own podcast, which is cool because it\u2019s a call-in podcast with questions. What\u2019s the name of it? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> <em>Love and Relationships<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So you have listeners calling in with their questions,\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014and you are answering their questions.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Let\u2019s dive into what you\u2019ve been calling the deep end, where I don\u2019t always want to swim. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And this is your soapbox, you said. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Yes, this is the passion that God has given me right now: is to really have Christians get real about how they are doing and realize, \u201cJust because you are a Christian, doesn\u2019t mean you are healthy.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Why is this so important and passionate to you? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Well, for a couple of reasons. First of all, with working with my clients, seeing people from all over the country\u2014different socioeconomic status, different leaders, teachers, pastors, celebrities\u2014all have one thing in common; and that is, the journey with emotional and mental health\/the struggle with emotional and mental health. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey did this study called \u201cThe Better-Than-Average Effect,\u201d where they took a lot of people, and they asked them questions about themselves\u2014assessment questions\u2014\u201cHow moral are you compared to your peers?\u201d \u201cHow good of a driver are you compared to your peers?\u201d \u201cHow nice are you?\u201d\u2014all these different questions, rating themselves. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe majority of people rated themselves as better-than-average; but the majority can\u2019t be better-than-average, mathematically speaking. [Laughter] Someone has got to fall below the mean; right? It\u2019s just the reminder that we tend to <em>assume<\/em> that we are better than we really are. I think that problem is even <em>bigger<\/em> in the church. I think we can acknowledge, easily, that our souls are saved and that Jesus has saved us; and we can focus on our spiritual growth and our spiritual health, all the while, our emotional and mental health are lacking. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>What we don\u2019t realize is that our lack of emotional and mental health is actually <em>sabotaging<\/em> our spiritual health, because it keeps us limited in our growth and maturity. God calls us to full healing. When the disciples asked Jesus: \u201cWhat\u2019s the greatest commandment?\u201d Jesus said, \u201cLove the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength,\u201d\u2014four parts. Heart represents emotional health; soul represents spiritual health; mind represents mental health; strength represents our physical health. I think, sometimes, we get kind of caught up loving God with our soul; and we forget all the other areas are important too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yet, each one affects the other. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> And add to that the effects of social media now, where we, literally, are conditioned to put our <em>best<\/em> face out there\u2014our picture-perfect lives\/these snippets\u2014that I think sometimes we are so used to living on that superficial, perfect level that we forget that there is <em>more<\/em> going on underneath the surface. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen we struggle with something, as a society, that I call toxic optimism, where we want to be so optimistic: \u201cEverything is good,\u201d and \u201cLife is good,\u201d\u2014and make it Christian: \u201cGod is good all the time,\u201d\u2014that we forget to really acknowledge and grieve, and get to the root of what is hurting, what is wrong, what we need to adjust. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>But when we look at Jesus, the most incredible example, He wasn\u2019t a man who ignored how He felt, even the hard emotions. I mean, Jesus felt the spectrum of emotions. What makes Him different than us is how He handled His emotions; He expressed them in a healthy way. We sometimes don\u2019t even acknowledge them; [in other words], repress them or we handle them in unhealthy ways. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe process of becoming an emotionally-healthy person starts with acknowledging what I feel and then learning to express it in a healthy way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; help us understand that. I didn\u2019t come to Christ until my junior year in college, so I\u2019m 20 years old. One of things I think I picked up\u2014maybe, I was taught it; maybe, I just picked it up\u2014was now, that I\u2019m in Christ, it\u2019s all about the spiritual. The emotions don\u2019t matter much anymore. You just sort of\u2014if you are having a bad day or you\u2019re struggling\u2014and I was like: \u201cI don\u2019t have panic attacks,\u201d \u201cI don\u2019t have insecurities like everybody else. I\u2019m better than most people\u201d; right?\u2014[Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cbetter than average.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014that\u2019s what I\u2019m <em>thinking<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was sort of taught, \u201cIt\u2019s <em>all<\/em> spiritual\u201d; and if you have <em>any<\/em> negative emotion, you just push it aside, and you pray, and you trust God, and you move on. You don\u2019t deal with it. That\u2019s <em>not<\/em> a big part of your life anymore; it\u2019s Jesus. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tObviously, I\u2019ve learned that was <em>very bad<\/em> theology; and you know that better than anybody. Help us understand: \u201cWhy are the emotions important?\u201d and \u201cHow do we deal with them?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Well, \u201cWhy is this bad theology?\u201d\u2014like you said\u2014and \u201cWhy is this important?\u201d [It] is because human beings are like a volcano. When you think about it, what is going on underneath the surface of a volcano is that there is pressure building. The magma is creating all of this pressure. Emotions are kind of like that\u2014the stress, the discouragement, the insecurities, even the good emotions\u2014are building pressure. When we don\u2019t acknowledge and identify those emotions, the pressure just builds, and builds, and builds until it finds the point of least resistance. And just like a volcano, we are faced with an emotional explosion. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEveryone\u2019s emotional explosion looks a little bit different, but the idea is that there are things going on underneath the surface that we haven\u2019t dealt with in a healthy way. Part of being emotionally-healthy people is learning, number one, to name what we are feeling\u2014just like Jesus did\u2014to put <em>words<\/em> to those feelings. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me remind you: \u201cThis isn\u2019t a gender thing.\u201d I think some people think, \u201cWell, men aren\u2019t as good at expressing their emotions.\u201d If you are not convinced by the example of Jesus, look at David; look at the Psalms. This isn\u2019t a gender thing because this is something we learn how to do or <em>not<\/em> learn how to do. Maybe, society conditions men not to be good learners when it comes to emotional expression; but this is a big part of it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> When you say, \u201cAcknowledge it,\u201d or \u201cName what you are feeling,\u201d\u2014like talk to us, as a listener, [who\u2019s] never done this. They are listening and hearing this for the first time; and they are thinking, \u201cI think I\u2019m okay.\u201d What do you mean by: \u201cLet\u2019s start naming what you are feeling\u201d? How do they begin? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Yes; in <em>Are You Really OK?<\/em>, I give you some practical things. Let\u2019s talk through some of those things. There is a lot of homework in this book; this isn\u2019t a book you read\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u2014and just be done with. It\u2019s something you kind of have to work through, almost like a therapy session. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne thing I will have you do is a timeline. Talk me through the things in your life, from childhood to today, that have impacted you, both good and bad. Let\u2019s talk through some of those significant things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnother thing I have you do is an assessment. That assessment is actually something you can download\/print out. It will talk you through check boxes\u2014to go through some of the things, in the past 12 months, that have caused stress in your life\u2014because even good things can cause stress. A marriage is ranked just a little bit lower on stress than a divorce. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Wow! [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> If you think about it\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u2014they are both <em>significant<\/em> life changes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Wait; wait. Most of us think a marriage would just <em>bring<\/em> emotional health\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014and life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014rather than cause stress, but it really is a stressor. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> It\u2019s a stressor. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, I\u2019m thinking of\u2014even the timeline\u2014because this is something Dave and I have done, as a couple; but we have done it with other couples, where someone will get up, and they will write out a little picture of their timeline in their life. They will share the highs and lows and the things that happened in their lives. Almost every time we\u2019ve done this with couples\u2014and even each other\u2014like to hear the pain that you\u2019ve gone through\/what you\u2019ve <em>felt<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014a lot of trauma. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh! And we <em>cry<\/em>, hearing people\u2019s stories. Then I think, at the end, we\u2019ve always prayed for each other. It\u2019s the most beautiful, intimate thing that we\u2019ve done for each other and within our family group of friends too. It\u2019s <em>beautiful<\/em>, so I love that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo you are doing the timeline; but even the\u2014what was the second one? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> The stress scale. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> The stress scale; that\u2019s <em>really<\/em> good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Another activity is the emotional wheel. I talk about this man named Robert Plutchik, who came up with this emotional wheel\u2014it\u2019s like a color wheel\u2014and gave each emotion a different color. The mixture of two emotions produces a <em>third<\/em> emotion. If you google a list of emotions, you can find lists with 300-500 different words. I mean, think about all the emotions out there that we don\u2019t really take the time to identify. A lot of times, we\u2019re just like, \u201cWell, I\u2019m just stressed.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014or \u201cHow do you feel?\u201d \u201cFine.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u201cGood,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m good.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u201cGood,\u201d isn\u2019t actually an emotion. \u201cGood,\u201d is a description of emotion\u2014some emotions feel good; some feel not so good\u2014but \u201cGood,\u201d itself is not an emotion. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the number-one answers people give me, when I ask them how they are feeling about something, is: \u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m not sure.\u201d Well, \u201cThink about it: we\u2019ve got to do some <em>digging<\/em> to identify\/put words to what we are feeling. And then, express what we are feeling\u201d; that is step two. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> How do you help them dig? Because when you said that, I\u2019m like, \u201cOh my goodness! How many times did I say that?\u201d [Laughter] Ann would say, \u201cWhat are you feeling?\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I <em>didn\u2019t<\/em> know how to process it; now, I know there was stuff connected to my childhood I had <em>never<\/em> dealt with. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You had shut down your feelings. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But as a married man, I am <em>wanting<\/em> to tell her. I <em>really<\/em> felt like, \u201cI don\u2019t know. I feel something, but\u2026\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> You know, something that strikes me about your story\u2014and I know this isn\u2019t a therapy session\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Oh, here we go. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, here we go! What?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u2014but when you were just in the intro, you talked about what you went through:\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u2014your parents divorcing, your sibling dying of leukemia. When we go through such <em>intense<\/em> emotional incidents, what our body does, oftentimes, is it numbs our feelings; because that\u2019s how we survive. I have to: \u201cThe emotions are <em>so loud<\/em>; if I don\u2019t turn down the volume, I\u2019m not going to survive this.\u201d We turn down the volume of the emotions\u2014our body kind of naturally does that\u2014but then what ends up happening is we live life with the volume down. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, that is so interesting. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s what\u2014I know this isn\u2019t a Dave therapy session\u2014but that is what many have complimented me on. They say, \u201cOh, you are just so steady. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cYou\u2019re steady.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> That\u2019s what it looks like from the outside\u2014the steadiness\u2014but you know, and you\u2019ve done the work to know this\u2014but really, it\u2019s an inability to go there: \u201cI\u2019d rather not. I\u2019m just so comfortable with being here\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cin this easy zone.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, just last month, Dave happened to talk to his sister. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Hey, can we be done with me now? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Love it, Dave. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Can we move on to somebody else? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, it\u2019s just so interesting; because their family was so filled with trauma. His siblings really don\u2019t talk to one another, but his sister has become a therapist. She\u2019s in her 70s. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Wow. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> She said, \u201cMy clients are just now teaching me what it means to feel.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Oh, man! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s <em>exactly<\/em> what you are saying, Debra: \u201cI\u2019ve had to turn down all of my emotions to the point, where I wasn\u2019t feeling; and now, for the first time, I\u2019m able to turn it up.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt makes you just give grace. That\u2019s why even asking your spouse, \u201cLet\u2019s talk about our stories and what you felt,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s a great beginning\u2014but I like this\/even naming the feelings\u2014that\u2019s good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, I think it\u2019s interesting\u2014and you know this better than anybody\u2014when you do sort of trace that extension cord\u2014when I taught about this, as a preacher, I had an extension cord <em>wrapped<\/em> around me and said, \u201cMan, I\u2019ve learned my emotions and things in my life are connected. They are plugged into something,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cand you\u2019ve got to go on this journey.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember, early in our marriage, Ann said to me one day, when I blew up at her for something\u2014she just turned to me\u2014I think the kids were very little; so we were married\u00a0 seven, eight\/maybe, ten years\u2014she said, \u201cYou know, I\u2019m not going to share things with you anymore because that\u2019s all you do: you just blow up.\u201d [Laughter] I\u2019m laughing now because, when she said that, I go, \u201cWhat are you talking about?!\u201d She just looked at me like, \u201cExhibit A\u201d; you know. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ll never forget; it began a journey for me. This was 30-some years ago, and I went to my men\u2019s group\u2014I have three other guys\u2014and I said to these guys, one Wednesday morning at six am; we met every week\u2014I said, \u201cHey, let me ask you a question: \u2018Of all the emotions you experience, as a man, which one do you experience the most?\u2019\u201d They <em>all<\/em> said, \u201cThat\u2019s easy; anger.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> \u201cAnger.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Anger is <em>definitely<\/em> it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Here is how I knew, because anger is a secondary emotion. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That is the journey I went on! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> It\u2019s the <em>safe<\/em> emotion. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t <em>know<\/em> that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> It\u2019s the easiest one to express, because it really doesn\u2019t require vulnerability. You are in control. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> You are the lion. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> But what\u2019s underneath anger? There is always something more, like: frustration, hurt, embarrassment, insecurity, feeling like you are not appreciated. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor so many people, the journey of learning to express how you feel is questioning: that is the third step. So identifying what you feel, expressing what you feel, but number three: questioning what you feel. Your feelings are real, but they are not always truth. Like you talked about the extension cord; I talk about a string of Christmas lights. The emotion lights up in different seasons; it might not be a true emotion. It might feel\u2014it\u2019s real, and I feel it\u2014but maybe, my body is signaling something that is not true.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor example, when you get worried about something\u2014but let\u2019s say you\u2019ve got something coming up\u2014let\u2019s just even give you an example from my life: travelling. Oftentimes, I find myself feeling worried that something might happen to the kids. My brain just starts going on these rabbit trails of worry, and fear, and stress. That feeling is real, but it\u2019s not necessarily rooted in truth. The truth is that God is in control; the truth is that this is what He has called me to do; the truth is that worrying cannot add one day to my life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo though my feelings are rooted in something, they may not always be true; and learning to differentiate that is really important. You have to question those emotions: \u201cWhere is this coming from?\u201d \u201cIs this real?\u201d \u201cIs this rooted in God\u2019s Word?\u201d \u201cWhat is this feeling rooted in?\u201d Then you begin to have control over your emotions than having them being in control of you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of my favorite things, as I was writing the chapter on emotional health, was looking at the life of Jesus and the different emotions He experienced. One of my favorite, most powerful things, was seeing Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, when He was bleeding, sweat was pouring out of His body in little droplets of blood. There are only three times in history that they\u2019ve identified that; and it\u2019s called hematidrosis. It\u2019s a condition, where your body is under so much stress, that they think it\u2019s a fight-or-flight response that <em>causes<\/em> your body to react in that way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you think about Jesus <em>feeling<\/em> that\u2014His body was telling Him to run; His feelings were like, \u201cGet out of here; this isn\u2019t safe,\u201d\u2014His feelings were <em>real<\/em>, but what did He do next? He relied on God\u2019s truth: \u201cLord, if this is Your will\u2026\u201d\/\u201dWhatever Your will is, that is what I am choosing.\u201d He chose to <em>stay<\/em>, even though His feelings told Him to run. He questioned those emotions, and He didn\u2019t listen to them; He listened to the Father. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor all of us, it\u2019s like: \u201cJust because I feel something, doesn\u2019t mean it is truth. What is God\u2019s truth, and how does that <em>inform<\/em> what I do next?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> As we wrap up today, and talking about emotional health, Debra, give us some homework [for] our listeners. Like one is: \u201cGet the book; kind of go through it.\u201d But as they\u2019re listening, what\u2019s the first step for them to take? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> I think emotional journaling is such an important part of the process. If you\u2019ve never really taken the time to think about how you feel and express it\u2014and maybe, you feel like you don\u2019t know somebody that you can express your emotions to\u2014start by journaling. Get a blank page; open your heart before the Lord, and just say, \u201cOkay, if I am going underneath the surface, what are some things that I have felt over the past month? When I say, \u2018I\u2019m stressed,\u2019 let me write out some of the things that are actually happening and the feeling that they induce.\u201d Begin to put <em>words<\/em> to how you feel and bring it before the Lord. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I know that, on my journey with the anger being a second emotion\u2014which, before that conversation with my buddies, I had <em>never<\/em> heard that\u2014because I went on sort of a journey, like you are saying. I was like: \u201cWhat is going on?\u2014this anger thing with me.\u201d I learned the things you were saying, like, \u201cOh, I\u2019m skipping right past the first emotion: hurt\/frustration to the thing.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI learned over the years\u2014I\u2019m not saying I\u2019m great at it\u2014but I call it the ABC\u2019s of handling your emotions: \u201cA\u201d: \u201cAcknowledge it,\u201d which often, even as a follower of Christ: \u201cOh, I\u2019m not angry,\u201d \u201cOh, yes, you are!\u201d But we think it is sin; and it is not sin, but it can <em>lead<\/em> to sin. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Sure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cB\u201d is: \u201cBack-track to that first emotion. What was it that I went by?\u201d Often, for me, it was emotional hurt; I\u2019m like, \u201cI don\u2019t want to admit that. What you said\/what you did hurt me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cI\u2019m just going to respond in anger,\u201d\u2014nope; that\u2019s a <em>bad<\/em> way to handle it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cC,\u201d then was: \u201cConfess it. Speak out that emotion in an appropriate way.\u201d I never knew how to do that. It was two things: \u201cI\u2019m not okay, but God can help me to be okay.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Everything you are saying in your book is such a gift. If we would take that journey, that you are telling us to take, it can change\u2014not only me\u2014it\u2019ll change my marriage. It will change my <em>legacy<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Debra:<\/strong> Amen. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014because you are laying patterns for your <em>future<\/em> generations out of your home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019ve probably heard it said, at some point, that: \u201cHurt people hurt people.\u201d If you have been hurt yourself\/if you are hurt, you are more likely to hurt other people. Jesus comes to us and says, \u201cI want to heal those hurts. I want to help you become healthy. I want to give you abundant life so that, out of that abundant life, you can help other people get healthy.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDebra Fileta has been talking today about how we diagnosis our own spiritual, and emotional, and mental health; and I think, in this particular season, many of us need to pull back and go: \u201cHow am I really? Am I really okay?\u201d Debra\u2019s book is called <em>Are You Really OK?<\/em>\u2014and it\u2019s a book to help us do just that\u2014to do a self-analysis. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s a book we\u2019ve got in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, to get a copy; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY and order the book by phone. Again, our website is FamilyLifeToday.com. The number to call to get Debra Fileta\u2019s book, <em>Are You Really<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>OK?<\/em>, is 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, here at FamilyLife, our goal is to effectively develop godly marriages and families. We believe godly marriages and families can change the world one home at a time. The month of December is actually a critical month for us, as it is for most ministries. It\u2019s during this month when we hear from listeners, who let us know how God has used the ministry of FamilyLife in their lives over the past year; and they make a yearend contribution to help continue the work of FamilyLife into the coming year. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re asking every <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listener: \u201cWould you take just a minute and ask yourself this question: \u2018Has God used FamilyLife in my life this year through an event, a resource?\u2019\u201d\u2014maybe, something you\u2019ve read online; maybe, it\u2019s this daily radio program or podcast that you connect with; and God has been using this to help strengthen your marriage, your family, your walk with Jesus. If that\u2019s the case, would you consider making a yearend contribution to help this ministry continue, not just for you, but for the hundreds of thousands of people, who are connecting with us every day from all around the world? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you make a donation during the month of December, whatever amount you donate, is going to be matched, dollar for dollar; that\u2019s up to a total of a $1.5 million. We have a matching-gift fund that some generous friends have put together for us; so every donation we receive this month is matched, dollar for dollar, to that total of $1.5 million. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn addition, we will send you, as a thank-you gift, a devotional book from Dane Ortlund called <em>In the Lord I Take Refuge: 150 Daily Devotions from the Book of Psalms<\/em>. It\u2019s a beautiful hard-cover book. We\u2019re also going to send you a fun item\u2014a deck of playing cards\u2014each card has a conversation starter on it so that, as you play games as a family, you can have some meaningful conversations. The book and the cards are our way of saying, \u201cThank you for your yearend support of this ministry.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can donate online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. Please do be praying for us that we would be able to take full advantage of the matching gift that has been made available during the month of December. We look forward to hearing from you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you can join us, again, tomorrow when we\u2019re going to talk about how hurts from the past can sometimes show up in the present and take us by surprise. What do we do when that happens? Debra Fileta will be here; we hope you can be here as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOn behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. 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