{"id":307300,"date":"2021-11-17T08:02:07","date_gmt":"2021-11-17T13:02:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/you-cant-fix-your-kid\/"},"modified":"2021-11-17T08:02:07","modified_gmt":"2021-11-17T13:02:07","slug":"you-cant-fix-your-kid","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/you-cant-fix-your-kid\/","title":{"rendered":"You Can&#8217;t Fix Your Kid"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>We all make mistakes, and our children WILL make mistakes. Crystal Paine shares how to trust God when parenting our children.<br \/>\nShow Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tVisit Crystal&#8217;s website at moneysavingmom.com<br \/>\n \tFind resources from this podcast at https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130.<br \/>\n \tDownload FamilyLife&#8217;s new app! https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/<br \/>\n \tCheck out all that&#8217;s available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.\u00a0 https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>We all make mistakes, and our children WILL make mistakes. Crystal Paine shares how to trust God when parenting our children.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-11-17.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:14","filesize":"24.94M","filesize_raw":"26147101","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2806],"tags":[4798,7010,2209],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[3206],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-307300","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spiritual-development","tag-kids","tag-mistakes","tag-parenting","cwp_profile-crystal-paine","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/307300\/you-cant-fix-your-kid","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/307300\/you-cant-fix-your-kid","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"tW7B1uWgZy\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/you-cant-fix-your-kid\/\">You Can&#8217;t Fix Your Kid<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/you-cant-fix-your-kid\/embed\/#?secret=tW7B1uWgZy\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;You Can&#8217;t Fix Your Kid&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"tW7B1uWgZy\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-11-17.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-11-17.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> I don\u2019t have to be more, do more, try harder, <em>strive<\/em> more to attain God\u2019s love or to chase after other people\u2019s love. I don\u2019t have to get someone else\u2019s approval in the way that I parent, because I am loved by God.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Today, we get to talk a little more about parenting and how to parent well. I think every parent\u2014there\u2019s no parent that doesn\u2019t want to do well.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We want to do the <em>best<\/em> job we can; and the question we have is: \u201cHow? How do we do this?\u201d and \u201cHow do we do this well?\u201d\n\nWe\u2019ve got Crystal Paine back with us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Welcome back!\n\n<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> I\u2019m so happy to be here again.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s been great having you here this week, talking about your book, <em>Love-Centered Parenting<\/em>, which is <em>phenomenal<\/em>; and I\u2019m not kidding. We don\u2019t say this every time I read a book. It was like very authentic, very vulnerable, but very helpful\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014and practical.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You even say in the subtitle it\u2019s a no-fail\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s called <em>The No-Fail Guide to Launching Your Kids<\/em>. I liked, earlier, Crystal when you explained what that meant. What\u2019s that mean?\n\n<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> <em>The No-Fail Guide<\/em>: we really wrestled with what to subtitle this book. It\u2019s because you <em>can\u2019t<\/em> fail if you\u2019re faithful. I think, so often, we view failure and success with the results. But as I share in this book, a lot of times, the no-fail situation is what God is doing in our heart in the process and how God changes <em>our<\/em> heart. That is why we titled, <em>The No-fail Guide<\/em>; because you can\u2019t fail when you\u2019re faithful and when you just walk with your kids and love them well.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I was thinking, the first time I heard you say that, \u201cOh, it\u2019s like King David. It\u2019s the way God views King David, in that He called him a man after His own heart; and yet, King David failed miserably. But because he continued to go back after God\/to run after God, God didn\u2019t see him as a failure. He says of him as \u2018My son.\u2019\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; it is interesting, as we\u2019ve already said this week, love-centered parenting is, not just loving your child, but it\u2019s being parented by the heavenly Father, receiving His love. Again, I\u2019m not trying to put words in your mouth. You wrote it; did I say it right?\n\n<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> Yes, yes; and it totally changes the way that you interact with other people when you are coming at life from: \u201cI am fully loved by my Creator. I don\u2019t have to be more, do more, try harder, <em>strive<\/em> more to attain God\u2019s love or to chase after other people\u2019s love. I don\u2019t have to get someone else\u2019s approval in the way that I parent, because I am loved by God; and I can rest in that love.\u201d\n\nThere\u2019s so much <em>freedom<\/em> when you stand in that space. It doesn\u2019t matter what other people think. There are people out there that are going to think <em>you<\/em> are failing, as a parent; they are going to question your decisions, especially someone like me, who is on the internet; and you have hundreds of thousands of people, who are following you. Every single day, people are telling me that I am doing the wrong thing.\n\nI <em>can\u2019t<\/em> listen to those voices. I can <em>learn<\/em>; I want to always be open. I want to receive if there\u2019s something I need to receive; but ultimately, I can\u2019t please everyone; that\u2019s not my job. My job is to understand how much I\u2019m loved by God\u2014live in that love, rest in that love, live as loved\u2014and then let His love flow through me to my kids and to everyone in my life.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> How do you do that when\u2014I mean, it\u2019s one thing to receive the love and forgiveness from the Father when we fail\u2014when your <em>child<\/em> is failing, let\u2019s say rebelling\/rejecting what you and your husband are trying to teach your kids\u2014and they\u2019ve just\/they\u2019ve blown it big time. How do we translate\u2014\u201cYou\u2019re forgiven; you\u2019re loved,\u201d\u2014and at the same time, we have that tension like, \u201cWhoa, whoa, whoa; wait. We\u2019ve got to talk; because\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014we\u2019re the parents.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cwe don\u2019t want you to keep living this lifestyle you\u2019ve been living or making these choices you\u2019re making. We have to have some consequences here.\u201d There\u2019s this balance we\u2019ve got to do, so how do you translate that in love-centered parenting?\n\n<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> First off, I think you need to recognize that you can\u2019t save your kids. If you feel like that\u2019s your responsibility\u2014and you\u2019re approaching a situation like, \u201cIt\u2019s my job to fix this, so I\u2019ve got to do whatever it takes to <em>fix<\/em> this,\u201d\u2014then it becomes about you <em>controlling<\/em> a situation. But resting in God\u2019s love means we don\u2019t have to control our kids; we get to <em>walk<\/em> with them.\n\nIn <em>Love-Centered Parenting<\/em>, I talk about four life-giving choices that every parent can make. In this situation, if you\u2014let\u2019s say that you find out that your child has done something that just goes against everything that you stand for or everything that you feel like you\u2019ve raised them up into\u2014how do you respond in that situation? The four life-giving choices: \u201cLean in and love,\u201d \u201cListen well,\u201d \u201cLead with humility,\u201d and \u201cLet go.\u201d\n\n\u201cLean in and love\u201d: \u201cWhat does it look like in that situation?\u201d First off, I encourage you <em>not<\/em> to just rush into the situation with this, like, \u201cWe\u2019ve got to take care of this!\u201d\u2014like the fire alarm going off kind of thing!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Let\u2019s put a name to it. Let\u2019s say your teenager\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, I thought you were going to admit that that\u2019s what you do.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh well, I do; yes.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I thought you were jumping right in there, like, \u201cI\u2019ve done that!\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We\u2019ve <em>both<\/em> done that.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We totally over respond.\n\nBut let\u2019s just give it a name. Let\u2019s say your teenager was out drinking and driving. That calls for\u2014you get pretty\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014concerned.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014angry, concerned, and worried over that.\n\n<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> First off, I really encourage parents to \u201c<em>Stop<\/em>.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s hard right there! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> \u201cStop\u201d and send up a flare prayer.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What\u2019s a flare prayer?\n\n<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> In the book, I talk about how, a lot of times, we don\u2019t have 30 minutes to go get on our knees and cry out to God; because we\u2019ve got to handle a situation. Or it could be maybe you have young kids, and you just hear them in the other room fighting; and you got to go take care of it\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> \u2014to stop; send up a flare prayer: \u201cGod help me to lean in and love my child in this situation,\u201d\u2014just <em>releasing<\/em> your child to Him, and <em>reminding<\/em> yourself of how much you\u2019re loved and how much you want His love to flow through you. That changes the way that we approach our child when we approach it from: \u201cI know how much I\u2019m loved. God, let Your love flow through me to my child.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I notice you\u2019re saying it so <em>calmly<\/em>. [Laughter] You\u2019re trying to help us <em>feel<\/em> that.\n\n<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> Because you\u2019ve got to; because you can\u2019t be like [speaking loudly], \u201cI\u2019m going to lean in and love my child!\u201d; you know? [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I remember\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Wait, wait. Let her keep going; I want her to keep going.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> How would you apply it to this situation?\u2014so keep going\u2014we got a call at midnight, maybe even later, and it\u2019s a friend of my son, who says, \u201cMr. Wilson, just need to let you know: CJ has just been put in the back seat of a police car. He\u2019s being arrested and taken to the\u2014police station.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cThey\u2019re taking him to jail.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I mean, it\u2019s right then.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> <em>And<\/em> it\u2019s at Thanksgiving, and all of our relatives are at our house, spending the night.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So in the morning, we\u2019ll say, \u201cOh, our son spent the night in jail.\u201d [Laughter] That\u2019s enough to freak out about.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Again, in that moment, I remember standing there; and we had two different responses. Yours was like what?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I was so afraid; and I thought, \u201cI know him; he probably didn\u2019t do anything.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I was like, \u201cHe probably did.\u201d [Laughter] That\u2019s how I\u2014I don\u2019t know why I was just like: \u201cOkay,\u201d\u2014because our friend was like, \u201cWe didn\u2019t do anything wrong. They got the wrong car; they thought this car was similar,\u201d\u2014I\u2019m like, \u201cYou don\u2019t have to lie. [Laughter] I don\u2019t know what you guys are doing; but okay, we\u2019ll come down and get him.\u201d\n\nBut anyway, it was like that moment, where you have to sort of stop and listen. Okay, keep going.\n\n<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> Approaching it from that posture of: \u201cI want to lean in and love my child,\u201d\u2014<em>not<\/em>\u2014\u201cI want to <em>fix<\/em> this.\u201d So then, \u201cListening well.\u201d I feel like these, a lot of times, will go hand in hand.\n\nOne thing that I really changed in\u2014let\u2019s say we get a phone call, or there\u2019s an email, or you find out about something\u2014this happened just two weeks ago; we found out our child had done something and lied about it; it was a pretty significant thing. \u201cInstead of just jumping to \u2018Okay, here\u2019s the consequences\u2026\u2019 let\u2019s <em>stop<\/em>; and let\u2019s <em>listen first<\/em>.\u201d\n\nSo asking questions: \u201cCan you tell me about what happened?\u201d \u201cWhy?\u201d\u2014and just asking those curious questions; because a lot of times, I\u2019ve found that it will be very different than what I actually assume from the get-go. There is something else going on there; and if I immediately just jump to correcting and consequences, I\u2019m going to miss that opportunity to hear what\u2019s <em>actually<\/em> going on in their heart.\n\nAsking them open-ended questions and letting them talk\u2014a lot of times, you just ask, \u201cWhy?\u201d\u2014that\u2019s a really great question, just, \u201cWhy?\u201d And just let them start to share. At first, lot of times, they\u2019ll be closed off\u2014but the more that they see: \u201cOh, Mom\u2019s not going to jump just to shaming or shutting [me] down,\u201d or just telling [me] how [I] did this terrible thing\u2014there\u2019s a lot that will come up, and the hurts and the heartache, and whatever is going on is going to come out. So much of the time, our kids don\u2019t have emotional language to be able to share what they\u2019re feeling, so it\u2019s going to come out sideways in anger; it\u2019s going to come out in this bad behavior.\n\nLet\u2019s get to the root if we can: \u201cStop\u201d; \u201cLean in and love\u201d; \u201cListen well\u201d; and then \u201cLead with humility.\u201d That is our space to be able to: \u201cLet\u2019s share about things that we\u2019ve struggled with. Let\u2019s sit with them in what they\u2019re going through, and let\u2019s let them know that they\u2019re not alone,\u201d\u2014like\u2014\u201cWe don\u2019t have it all figured out; we\u2019re not this perfect parent. We\u2019ve\u201d\u2014maybe you\u2019ve never been in the back of a cop car\u2014but I\u2019m sure you\u2019ve made some mistakes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014which, by the way, that son <em>was<\/em> innocent. It was not him that did anything.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Ended up they really did have the <em>wrong car<\/em>. His car matched the identification of a car they were looking for.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It was stolen.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>It all worked out.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; just so listeners know.\n\n<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> Well, you see how that situation\u2014if you just immediately just jump to just spewing anger at them\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Right.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Right; yes.\n\n<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> \u2014because it\u2019s all about what other people think\u2014it\u2019s all about you\u2019re afraid, so you\u2019re just acting out of that to your child. How it could have turned out to be this <em>terrible<\/em> break in your relationship.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> But if you stop, and you\u2019re not accusing them\u2014but you\u2019re also not saying [condescendingly], \u201cOh, my child would never do it,\u201d\u2014you know, it\u2019s like you have to have that balance between both of you: one of you, \u201cYes,\u201d and one of you like, \u201cNo.\u201d [Laughter] You kind of have\/our kids are capable of making some really bad choices and are not above that, [Laughter] but letting them process with you.\n\nSo hearing\u2014for them to be able to share what they\u2019re feeling\u2014and then for you to be able to share. I\/oftentimes, I\u2019ll say to my child, if they\u2019ve done something, \u201cYou want to hear about a really bad mistake I made when I was your age?\u201d and to be able to share with them. That, oftentimes, will lead into a really beautiful conversation; and then, we talk about consequences.\n\nOne thing, as our kids get older, we will often let them help us make the consequences together. I feel like\u2014now, this won\u2019t work for every child\u2014but if they have had some experience with this, allowing <em>them<\/em> to: \u201cWell, something has to be done about this; what do you think?\u201d Instead of us just being like\u2014\u201cWell, we\u2019re taking <em>everything<\/em> away, and you\u2019re grounded for <em>three months<\/em>,\u201d\u2014\u201cLet\u2019s work together,\u201d so allowing them to have some ownership. Sometimes they think of better consequences than I would; and I\u2019m like, \u201cOkay, sure; we\u2019ll go with that,\u201d\u2014so \u201cLeading with humility.\u201d\n\nSometimes, that also is going to involve: \u201cWe need to ask forgiveness,\u201d\u2014because we realize, in the conversation with our child, that there\u2019s something that we\u2019ve done that we need to go to them and ask their forgiveness.\n\nAnd then \u201cLetting go\u201d: yes, we have the consequences\u2014that\u2019s an important thing\u2014because actions have consequences, good or bad. I think it\u2019s important that we very clearly communicate to our kids that: \u201cThis is the consequence\u2026\u201d or \u201cIf this happens in the future, this is going to be the consequence\u2026\u201d; and make sure that they understand that.\n\nBut \u201cLetting go\u201d in the sense of that we can\u2019t control our kids; and we can only control our responses, and our response is our responsibility. But if we are just holding them with our\u2014we just have these clenched fists, and we\u2019re just trying so hard to control them\u2014they\u2019re going to probably rebel, because they\u2019re going to feel so micromanaged and <em>not<\/em> trusted.\n\nCreating that space\u2014of love, and that environment of security, and that we value them, and we want to hear them, and \u201cYes, actions have consequences\u201d; but ultimately, we love them\u2014it allows me also to have so much more peace, and quietness, and calmness in how I respond to situations instead of just getting super angry and doing the things that I am going to really regret.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>At the end you of each chapter, I love that you have two transforming truths.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>The one you mention after \u201cLead with humility,\u201d\u2014this is so good\u2014it says: \u201cSome of my greatest parenting happens on my knees, with open hands, and trusting my kids to their Creator\u201d; which obviously, gets into \u201cLet go.\u201d We\u2019ve got to let go and trust God will parent them better than we will and handle them.\n\nAs we sort of wrap up several days with you, \u201cHow do you let go?\u201d Because it\u2019s easy to say, and it\u2019s not always easy to let your grip loose when you don\u2019t know what the outcome could be with your child.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And maybe, Crystal, take us back to our first conversation, when you had a child that was suicidal. That\u2019s when, more than ever, as a parent, we want to clench and hold onto. How do you let go in those circumstances?\n\n<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> I think it is a continual process. It\u2019s not like you\u2019re just going to pray and let go, and it\u2019s all going to be good. But for me, it\u2019s that <em>stopping<\/em>. A lot of times, it will be literally opening up my hands, and breathing, and then saying out loud, \u201cGod, I release this to You,\u201d\u2014and speaking the truth back to the Lord of\u2014\u201cI know that You love my child more than I do. You are in control; I can trust You. Let me trust You in this situation.\u201d You\u2019re just speaking that truth, and just doing that, and breathing, and taking a minute or two to just stop and do that.\n\nAnd then when you start feeling\/if you start feeling that tension rising again, do it again. Keep doing that until you can just feel that place where you have released it. And then you might have to go back and do it a few hours later. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Exactly.\n\n<strong>Crystal: <\/strong>It\u2019s just that <em>constant<\/em> being in that space of: \u201cI\u2019m going to trust You, God.\u201d\n\nIt\u2019s interesting\u2014because I talked about how we\u2019ve fostered\u2014last year, we brought home a little boy from the NICU; he was at our home for eight months. And then we got to give him back to his mom; he re-unified with his mom. That was one of the hardest things that I\u2019ve ever done in my life\u2014to fall in love with a little boy\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Crystal: <\/strong>\u2014to love him as my own for eight months and then to let him go. All during those eight months, we didn\u2019t know\u2014\u201cWas he going to go back to his mom?\u201d \u201cWas he going to stay with us?\u2014with someone else?\u201d\u2014we didn\u2019t know.\n\nIt was such a <em>good<\/em> exercise for me, of really opening up my hands and having to trust the Lord; because I had <em>no<\/em> control over this. It helped me to realize how much I think I have control over <em>other<\/em> things in my life when I <em>don\u2019t<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>That\u2019s a <em>great <\/em>word for all of us. It\u2019s that continual surrender of our lives\/of our kids. I love Romans 12:1,2\u2014are some of my favorite verses in the Bible\u2014it says: \u201cDear brothers, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all He has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice, the kind He will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship Him.\u201d\n\nI\u2019ve always pictured giving Him my life, like laying my life on the altar. Sometimes, it\u2019s harder to lay our kids\u2019 lives on the altar; but I think that is exactly where we need to be\u2014to give our lives away\/to give our children to Him\u2014and He is a good, good Father, who loves us more than we can even imagine.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>You know, I was thinking, as we wrap this up, Crystal, would you be willing to pray for the moms and dads, who are maybe struggling. You\u2019ve been there\u2014to \u201cLet go\u201d; really, \u201cto Lean in and love\u201d; \u201cto listen well\u201d; \u201cto lead with humility.\u201d See how good that is? I can remember all those without even looking.\n\n<strong>Crystal: <\/strong>That\u2019s pretty\/thank you.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh, honey; look at you.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>And to \u201cLet go.\u201d\n\nI think it would be beautiful if you just say, not a flare prayer, but a prayer for them, [Laughter] if you would.\n\n<strong>Crystal: <\/strong>Absolutely.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Thanks.\n\n<strong>Crystal: <\/strong>\n\nDear heavenly Father, I just think of every single person who is listening to this today. God, You know what they\u2019re feeling; and You know what they are going through; I don\u2019t. God, I just pray that each parent listening would know that they are not alone\/that You are with them; You are Emmanuel, God with us.\n\nGod, I just pray that You would help the parent right now who just feels so overwhelmed with parenting that it feels like just a bigger job than they are capable of\u2014that they would know how much they are loved by You and that they can <em>rest<\/em> in that love\u2014that they could live as loved. And that Your love for them could flow out to their kids, that their kids would see and <em>feel<\/em> <em>You<\/em> through their parent; they would feel Your love through their parent.\n\nI just pray for each parent listening, that You would help them to realize that it is not their job to fix, or to save, or to be their child\u2019s Holy Spirit, to overprotect\/to bubble wrap; but to <em>release<\/em> their children to You and trust You that You love them even more than they do, that You are a good God and that they can trust You and walk in that trust. They don\u2019t have to constantly be correcting; they can spend more time connecting.\n\nGod, I just pray that You would help them to choose to lean in and love, to listen well, to lead with humility, and ultimately, to let go. In Jesus\u2019 name I pray; amen.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Amen.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Amen.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Thanks, Crystal.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Thank you.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It\u2019s hard for us to remember this, as parents, but our children do not belong to us; they belong to God. We are stewards in the years that we have to raise them to point them to Him, to love them; but ultimately, they belong to a heavenly Father who loves them even more than we do. There is comfort for us in that as parents. Crystal Paine has written about this in a book called <em>Love-Centered Parenting<\/em> that we have been looking at this week. In a time when parenting is\u2014can feel overwhelming; it feels complicated\u2014Crystal\u2019s message can bring freedom, and hope, and healing.\n\nWe\u2019d like to make her book available to you this week if you are able to help with a donation to support the ongoing work of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. You can donate online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. What you are actually supporting with your donation is the marriages and families of hundreds of thousands of people, all around the world, who come to Family Life, looking for practical biblical help and hope for their marriage and their family. You make these resources possible; you help equip them and give them the spiritual tools they need for their family. That\u2019s what your donation is going to.\n\nOn behalf of those listeners, who will benefit from your support, we just want to say: \u201cThank you for your partnership with us.\u201d A tangible way of doing that is by sending you a copy of Crystal Paine\u2019s book, <em>Love-Centered Parenting<\/em>, when you make a donation this week. You can donate online\u2014again, at FamilyLife Today.com\u2014or call to donate at 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\nNow, I know that between here and the start of the new year, it\u2019s going to be crazy for most of us. We\u2019ve got the president of FamilyLife, David Robbins, here with us. David, in the midst of the chaos around the holidays, it\u2019s so important for couples that we set aside time\/that we are intentional about building into our marriage relationship and not let it just sit on the back burner and simmer.\n\n<strong>David: <\/strong>You know, Meg and I were just talking the other week that we need, at least, do one marked intentional moment during the holiday season; everything starts moving so fast around us. It reminded me of the <em>Dates to Remember<\/em> box that we have, that we created this year at FamilyLife, to give couples an easy intentional date together that all the hard work\u2019s done there for you. It sets you up for such great conversation together. It reminded me of a quote of a couple, who did the <em>Dates to Remember <\/em>box; they said: \u201cThe date gave us time to really talk about more than just the day-to-day running of our lives.\u201d\n\nI thought about it\u2014because, man, the holidays\/it is nothing but day-to-day running\u2014you know, every day, you\u2019re just surviving until the next day, sadly. We\u2019ve marked off a day to really give an extended date in the beginning of December to look ahead and to build that time together before we enter into the craziness of the holidays. I want to encourage you to do the same.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, the <em>Dates to Remember <\/em>box is a <em>great<\/em> tool to help you be intentional in your marriage. You can find out more about this resource on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com.\n\nNow, tomorrow, we are going to introduce you to a foundling. Joseph Wood learned, later in life, that he had been abandoned as a baby; was, ultimately, adopted. He\u2019ll share his story with us tomorrow. I hope you can be here for that.\n\nOn behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry.\n\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:27:14"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["24.94M"],"filesize_raw":["26147101"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-307300.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-307300.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px 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all make mistakes, and our children WILL make mistakes. Crystal Paine shares how to trust God when parenting our children.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-11-17.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> I don\u2019t have to be more, do more, try harder, <em>strive<\/em> more to attain God\u2019s love or to chase after other people\u2019s love. I don\u2019t have to get someone else\u2019s approval in the way that I parent, because I am loved by God.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Today, we get to talk a little more about parenting and how to parent well. I think every parent\u2014there\u2019s no parent that doesn\u2019t want to do well.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We want to do the <em>best<\/em> job we can; and the question we have is: \u201cHow? How do we do this?\u201d and \u201cHow do we do this well?\u201d\n\nWe\u2019ve got Crystal Paine back with us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Welcome back!\n\n<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> I\u2019m so happy to be here again.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s been great having you here this week, talking about your book, <em>Love-Centered Parenting<\/em>, which is <em>phenomenal<\/em>; and I\u2019m not kidding. We don\u2019t say this every time I read a book. It was like very authentic, very vulnerable, but very helpful\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014and practical.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You even say in the subtitle it\u2019s a no-fail\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s called <em>The No-Fail Guide to Launching Your Kids<\/em>. I liked, earlier, Crystal when you explained what that meant. What\u2019s that mean?\n\n<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> <em>The No-Fail Guide<\/em>: we really wrestled with what to subtitle this book. It\u2019s because you <em>can\u2019t<\/em> fail if you\u2019re faithful. I think, so often, we view failure and success with the results. But as I share in this book, a lot of times, the no-fail situation is what God is doing in our heart in the process and how God changes <em>our<\/em> heart. That is why we titled, <em>The No-fail Guide<\/em>; because you can\u2019t fail when you\u2019re faithful and when you just walk with your kids and love them well.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I was thinking, the first time I heard you say that, \u201cOh, it\u2019s like King David. It\u2019s the way God views King David, in that He called him a man after His own heart; and yet, King David failed miserably. But because he continued to go back after God\/to run after God, God didn\u2019t see him as a failure. He says of him as \u2018My son.\u2019\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; it is interesting, as we\u2019ve already said this week, love-centered parenting is, not just loving your child, but it\u2019s being parented by the heavenly Father, receiving His love. Again, I\u2019m not trying to put words in your mouth. You wrote it; did I say it right?\n\n<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> Yes, yes; and it totally changes the way that you interact with other people when you are coming at life from: \u201cI am fully loved by my Creator. I don\u2019t have to be more, do more, try harder, <em>strive<\/em> more to attain God\u2019s love or to chase after other people\u2019s love. I don\u2019t have to get someone else\u2019s approval in the way that I parent, because I am loved by God; and I can rest in that love.\u201d\n\nThere\u2019s so much <em>freedom<\/em> when you stand in that space. It doesn\u2019t matter what other people think. There are people out there that are going to think <em>you<\/em> are failing, as a parent; they are going to question your decisions, especially someone like me, who is on the internet; and you have hundreds of thousands of people, who are following you. Every single day, people are telling me that I am doing the wrong thing.\n\nI <em>can\u2019t<\/em> listen to those voices. I can <em>learn<\/em>; I want to always be open. I want to receive if there\u2019s something I need to receive; but ultimately, I can\u2019t please everyone; that\u2019s not my job. My job is to understand how much I\u2019m loved by God\u2014live in that love, rest in that love, live as loved\u2014and then let His love flow through me to my kids and to everyone in my life.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> How do you do that when\u2014I mean, it\u2019s one thing to receive the love and forgiveness from the Father when we fail\u2014when your <em>child<\/em> is failing, let\u2019s say rebelling\/rejecting what you and your husband are trying to teach your kids\u2014and they\u2019ve just\/they\u2019ve blown it big time. How do we translate\u2014\u201cYou\u2019re forgiven; you\u2019re loved,\u201d\u2014and at the same time, we have that tension like, \u201cWhoa, whoa, whoa; wait. We\u2019ve got to talk; because\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014we\u2019re the parents.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cwe don\u2019t want you to keep living this lifestyle you\u2019ve been living or making these choices you\u2019re making. We have to have some consequences here.\u201d There\u2019s this balance we\u2019ve got to do, so how do you translate that in love-centered parenting?\n\n<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> First off, I think you need to recognize that you can\u2019t save your kids. If you feel like that\u2019s your responsibility\u2014and you\u2019re approaching a situation like, \u201cIt\u2019s my job to fix this, so I\u2019ve got to do whatever it takes to <em>fix<\/em> this,\u201d\u2014then it becomes about you <em>controlling<\/em> a situation. But resting in God\u2019s love means we don\u2019t have to control our kids; we get to <em>walk<\/em> with them.\n\nIn <em>Love-Centered Parenting<\/em>, I talk about four life-giving choices that every parent can make. In this situation, if you\u2014let\u2019s say that you find out that your child has done something that just goes against everything that you stand for or everything that you feel like you\u2019ve raised them up into\u2014how do you respond in that situation? The four life-giving choices: \u201cLean in and love,\u201d \u201cListen well,\u201d \u201cLead with humility,\u201d and \u201cLet go.\u201d\n\n\u201cLean in and love\u201d: \u201cWhat does it look like in that situation?\u201d First off, I encourage you <em>not<\/em> to just rush into the situation with this, like, \u201cWe\u2019ve got to take care of this!\u201d\u2014like the fire alarm going off kind of thing!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Let\u2019s put a name to it. Let\u2019s say your teenager\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, I thought you were going to admit that that\u2019s what you do.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh well, I do; yes.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I thought you were jumping right in there, like, \u201cI\u2019ve done that!\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We\u2019ve <em>both<\/em> done that.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We totally over respond.\n\nBut let\u2019s just give it a name. Let\u2019s say your teenager was out drinking and driving. That calls for\u2014you get pretty\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014concerned.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014angry, concerned, and worried over that.\n\n<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> First off, I really encourage parents to \u201c<em>Stop<\/em>.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s hard right there! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> \u201cStop\u201d and send up a flare prayer.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What\u2019s a flare prayer?\n\n<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> In the book, I talk about how, a lot of times, we don\u2019t have 30 minutes to go get on our knees and cry out to God; because we\u2019ve got to handle a situation. Or it could be maybe you have young kids, and you just hear them in the other room fighting; and you got to go take care of it\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> \u2014to stop; send up a flare prayer: \u201cGod help me to lean in and love my child in this situation,\u201d\u2014just <em>releasing<\/em> your child to Him, and <em>reminding<\/em> yourself of how much you\u2019re loved and how much you want His love to flow through you. That changes the way that we approach our child when we approach it from: \u201cI know how much I\u2019m loved. God, let Your love flow through me to my child.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I notice you\u2019re saying it so <em>calmly<\/em>. [Laughter] You\u2019re trying to help us <em>feel<\/em> that.\n\n<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> Because you\u2019ve got to; because you can\u2019t be like [speaking loudly], \u201cI\u2019m going to lean in and love my child!\u201d; you know? [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I remember\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Wait, wait. Let her keep going; I want her to keep going.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> How would you apply it to this situation?\u2014so keep going\u2014we got a call at midnight, maybe even later, and it\u2019s a friend of my son, who says, \u201cMr. Wilson, just need to let you know: CJ has just been put in the back seat of a police car. He\u2019s being arrested and taken to the\u2014police station.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cThey\u2019re taking him to jail.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I mean, it\u2019s right then.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> <em>And<\/em> it\u2019s at Thanksgiving, and all of our relatives are at our house, spending the night.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So in the morning, we\u2019ll say, \u201cOh, our son spent the night in jail.\u201d [Laughter] That\u2019s enough to freak out about.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Again, in that moment, I remember standing there; and we had two different responses. Yours was like what?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I was so afraid; and I thought, \u201cI know him; he probably didn\u2019t do anything.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I was like, \u201cHe probably did.\u201d [Laughter] That\u2019s how I\u2014I don\u2019t know why I was just like: \u201cOkay,\u201d\u2014because our friend was like, \u201cWe didn\u2019t do anything wrong. They got the wrong car; they thought this car was similar,\u201d\u2014I\u2019m like, \u201cYou don\u2019t have to lie. [Laughter] I don\u2019t know what you guys are doing; but okay, we\u2019ll come down and get him.\u201d\n\nBut anyway, it was like that moment, where you have to sort of stop and listen. Okay, keep going.\n\n<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> Approaching it from that posture of: \u201cI want to lean in and love my child,\u201d\u2014<em>not<\/em>\u2014\u201cI want to <em>fix<\/em> this.\u201d So then, \u201cListening well.\u201d I feel like these, a lot of times, will go hand in hand.\n\nOne thing that I really changed in\u2014let\u2019s say we get a phone call, or there\u2019s an email, or you find out about something\u2014this happened just two weeks ago; we found out our child had done something and lied about it; it was a pretty significant thing. \u201cInstead of just jumping to \u2018Okay, here\u2019s the consequences\u2026\u2019 let\u2019s <em>stop<\/em>; and let\u2019s <em>listen first<\/em>.\u201d\n\nSo asking questions: \u201cCan you tell me about what happened?\u201d \u201cWhy?\u201d\u2014and just asking those curious questions; because a lot of times, I\u2019ve found that it will be very different than what I actually assume from the get-go. There is something else going on there; and if I immediately just jump to correcting and consequences, I\u2019m going to miss that opportunity to hear what\u2019s <em>actually<\/em> going on in their heart.\n\nAsking them open-ended questions and letting them talk\u2014a lot of times, you just ask, \u201cWhy?\u201d\u2014that\u2019s a really great question, just, \u201cWhy?\u201d And just let them start to share. At first, lot of times, they\u2019ll be closed off\u2014but the more that they see: \u201cOh, Mom\u2019s not going to jump just to shaming or shutting [me] down,\u201d or just telling [me] how [I] did this terrible thing\u2014there\u2019s a lot that will come up, and the hurts and the heartache, and whatever is going on is going to come out. So much of the time, our kids don\u2019t have emotional language to be able to share what they\u2019re feeling, so it\u2019s going to come out sideways in anger; it\u2019s going to come out in this bad behavior.\n\nLet\u2019s get to the root if we can: \u201cStop\u201d; \u201cLean in and love\u201d; \u201cListen well\u201d; and then \u201cLead with humility.\u201d That is our space to be able to: \u201cLet\u2019s share about things that we\u2019ve struggled with. Let\u2019s sit with them in what they\u2019re going through, and let\u2019s let them know that they\u2019re not alone,\u201d\u2014like\u2014\u201cWe don\u2019t have it all figured out; we\u2019re not this perfect parent. We\u2019ve\u201d\u2014maybe you\u2019ve never been in the back of a cop car\u2014but I\u2019m sure you\u2019ve made some mistakes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014which, by the way, that son <em>was<\/em> innocent. It was not him that did anything.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Ended up they really did have the <em>wrong car<\/em>. His car matched the identification of a car they were looking for.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It was stolen.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>It all worked out.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; just so listeners know.\n\n<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> Well, you see how that situation\u2014if you just immediately just jump to just spewing anger at them\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Right.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Right; yes.\n\n<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> \u2014because it\u2019s all about what other people think\u2014it\u2019s all about you\u2019re afraid, so you\u2019re just acting out of that to your child. How it could have turned out to be this <em>terrible<\/em> break in your relationship.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> But if you stop, and you\u2019re not accusing them\u2014but you\u2019re also not saying [condescendingly], \u201cOh, my child would never do it,\u201d\u2014you know, it\u2019s like you have to have that balance between both of you: one of you, \u201cYes,\u201d and one of you like, \u201cNo.\u201d [Laughter] You kind of have\/our kids are capable of making some really bad choices and are not above that, [Laughter] but letting them process with you.\n\nSo hearing\u2014for them to be able to share what they\u2019re feeling\u2014and then for you to be able to share. I\/oftentimes, I\u2019ll say to my child, if they\u2019ve done something, \u201cYou want to hear about a really bad mistake I made when I was your age?\u201d and to be able to share with them. That, oftentimes, will lead into a really beautiful conversation; and then, we talk about consequences.\n\nOne thing, as our kids get older, we will often let them help us make the consequences together. I feel like\u2014now, this won\u2019t work for every child\u2014but if they have had some experience with this, allowing <em>them<\/em> to: \u201cWell, something has to be done about this; what do you think?\u201d Instead of us just being like\u2014\u201cWell, we\u2019re taking <em>everything<\/em> away, and you\u2019re grounded for <em>three months<\/em>,\u201d\u2014\u201cLet\u2019s work together,\u201d so allowing them to have some ownership. Sometimes they think of better consequences than I would; and I\u2019m like, \u201cOkay, sure; we\u2019ll go with that,\u201d\u2014so \u201cLeading with humility.\u201d\n\nSometimes, that also is going to involve: \u201cWe need to ask forgiveness,\u201d\u2014because we realize, in the conversation with our child, that there\u2019s something that we\u2019ve done that we need to go to them and ask their forgiveness.\n\nAnd then \u201cLetting go\u201d: yes, we have the consequences\u2014that\u2019s an important thing\u2014because actions have consequences, good or bad. I think it\u2019s important that we very clearly communicate to our kids that: \u201cThis is the consequence\u2026\u201d or \u201cIf this happens in the future, this is going to be the consequence\u2026\u201d; and make sure that they understand that.\n\nBut \u201cLetting go\u201d in the sense of that we can\u2019t control our kids; and we can only control our responses, and our response is our responsibility. But if we are just holding them with our\u2014we just have these clenched fists, and we\u2019re just trying so hard to control them\u2014they\u2019re going to probably rebel, because they\u2019re going to feel so micromanaged and <em>not<\/em> trusted.\n\nCreating that space\u2014of love, and that environment of security, and that we value them, and we want to hear them, and \u201cYes, actions have consequences\u201d; but ultimately, we love them\u2014it allows me also to have so much more peace, and quietness, and calmness in how I respond to situations instead of just getting super angry and doing the things that I am going to really regret.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>At the end you of each chapter, I love that you have two transforming truths.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>The one you mention after \u201cLead with humility,\u201d\u2014this is so good\u2014it says: \u201cSome of my greatest parenting happens on my knees, with open hands, and trusting my kids to their Creator\u201d; which obviously, gets into \u201cLet go.\u201d We\u2019ve got to let go and trust God will parent them better than we will and handle them.\n\nAs we sort of wrap up several days with you, \u201cHow do you let go?\u201d Because it\u2019s easy to say, and it\u2019s not always easy to let your grip loose when you don\u2019t know what the outcome could be with your child.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And maybe, Crystal, take us back to our first conversation, when you had a child that was suicidal. That\u2019s when, more than ever, as a parent, we want to clench and hold onto. How do you let go in those circumstances?\n\n<strong>Crystal:<\/strong> I think it is a continual process. It\u2019s not like you\u2019re just going to pray and let go, and it\u2019s all going to be good. But for me, it\u2019s that <em>stopping<\/em>. A lot of times, it will be literally opening up my hands, and breathing, and then saying out loud, \u201cGod, I release this to You,\u201d\u2014and speaking the truth back to the Lord of\u2014\u201cI know that You love my child more than I do. You are in control; I can trust You. Let me trust You in this situation.\u201d You\u2019re just speaking that truth, and just doing that, and breathing, and taking a minute or two to just stop and do that.\n\nAnd then when you start feeling\/if you start feeling that tension rising again, do it again. Keep doing that until you can just feel that place where you have released it. And then you might have to go back and do it a few hours later. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Exactly.\n\n<strong>Crystal: <\/strong>It\u2019s just that <em>constant<\/em> being in that space of: \u201cI\u2019m going to trust You, God.\u201d\n\nIt\u2019s interesting\u2014because I talked about how we\u2019ve fostered\u2014last year, we brought home a little boy from the NICU; he was at our home for eight months. And then we got to give him back to his mom; he re-unified with his mom. That was one of the hardest things that I\u2019ve ever done in my life\u2014to fall in love with a little boy\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Crystal: <\/strong>\u2014to love him as my own for eight months and then to let him go. All during those eight months, we didn\u2019t know\u2014\u201cWas he going to go back to his mom?\u201d \u201cWas he going to stay with us?\u2014with someone else?\u201d\u2014we didn\u2019t know.\n\nIt was such a <em>good<\/em> exercise for me, of really opening up my hands and having to trust the Lord; because I had <em>no<\/em> control over this. It helped me to realize how much I think I have control over <em>other<\/em> things in my life when I <em>don\u2019t<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>That\u2019s a <em>great <\/em>word for all of us. It\u2019s that continual surrender of our lives\/of our kids. I love Romans 12:1,2\u2014are some of my favorite verses in the Bible\u2014it says: \u201cDear brothers, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all He has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice, the kind He will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship Him.\u201d\n\nI\u2019ve always pictured giving Him my life, like laying my life on the altar. Sometimes, it\u2019s harder to lay our kids\u2019 lives on the altar; but I think that is exactly where we need to be\u2014to give our lives away\/to give our children to Him\u2014and He is a good, good Father, who loves us more than we can even imagine.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>You know, I was thinking, as we wrap this up, Crystal, would you be willing to pray for the moms and dads, who are maybe struggling. You\u2019ve been there\u2014to \u201cLet go\u201d; really, \u201cto Lean in and love\u201d; \u201cto listen well\u201d; \u201cto lead with humility.\u201d See how good that is? I can remember all those without even looking.\n\n<strong>Crystal: <\/strong>That\u2019s pretty\/thank you.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh, honey; look at you.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>And to \u201cLet go.\u201d\n\nI think it would be beautiful if you just say, not a flare prayer, but a prayer for them, [Laughter] if you would.\n\n<strong>Crystal: <\/strong>Absolutely.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Thanks.\n\n<strong>Crystal: <\/strong>\n\nDear heavenly Father, I just think of every single person who is listening to this today. God, You know what they\u2019re feeling; and You know what they are going through; I don\u2019t. God, I just pray that each parent listening would know that they are not alone\/that You are with them; You are Emmanuel, God with us.\n\nGod, I just pray that You would help the parent right now who just feels so overwhelmed with parenting that it feels like just a bigger job than they are capable of\u2014that they would know how much they are loved by You and that they can <em>rest<\/em> in that love\u2014that they could live as loved. And that Your love for them could flow out to their kids, that their kids would see and <em>feel<\/em> <em>You<\/em> through their parent; they would feel Your love through their parent.\n\nI just pray for each parent listening, that You would help them to realize that it is not their job to fix, or to save, or to be their child\u2019s Holy Spirit, to overprotect\/to bubble wrap; but to <em>release<\/em> their children to You and trust You that You love them even more than they do, that You are a good God and that they can trust You and walk in that trust. They don\u2019t have to constantly be correcting; they can spend more time connecting.\n\nGod, I just pray that You would help them to choose to lean in and love, to listen well, to lead with humility, and ultimately, to let go. In Jesus\u2019 name I pray; amen.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Amen.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Amen.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Thanks, Crystal.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Thank you.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It\u2019s hard for us to remember this, as parents, but our children do not belong to us; they belong to God. We are stewards in the years that we have to raise them to point them to Him, to love them; but ultimately, they belong to a heavenly Father who loves them even more than we do. There is comfort for us in that as parents. Crystal Paine has written about this in a book called <em>Love-Centered Parenting<\/em> that we have been looking at this week. In a time when parenting is\u2014can feel overwhelming; it feels complicated\u2014Crystal\u2019s message can bring freedom, and hope, and healing.\n\nWe\u2019d like to make her book available to you this week if you are able to help with a donation to support the ongoing work of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. You can donate online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. What you are actually supporting with your donation is the marriages and families of hundreds of thousands of people, all around the world, who come to Family Life, looking for practical biblical help and hope for their marriage and their family. You make these resources possible; you help equip them and give them the spiritual tools they need for their family. That\u2019s what your donation is going to.\n\nOn behalf of those listeners, who will benefit from your support, we just want to say: \u201cThank you for your partnership with us.\u201d A tangible way of doing that is by sending you a copy of Crystal Paine\u2019s book, <em>Love-Centered Parenting<\/em>, when you make a donation this week. You can donate online\u2014again, at FamilyLife Today.com\u2014or call to donate at 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\nNow, I know that between here and the start of the new year, it\u2019s going to be crazy for most of us. We\u2019ve got the president of FamilyLife, David Robbins, here with us. David, in the midst of the chaos around the holidays, it\u2019s so important for couples that we set aside time\/that we are intentional about building into our marriage relationship and not let it just sit on the back burner and simmer.\n\n<strong>David: <\/strong>You know, Meg and I were just talking the other week that we need, at least, do one marked intentional moment during the holiday season; everything starts moving so fast around us. It reminded me of the <em>Dates to Remember<\/em> box that we have, that we created this year at FamilyLife, to give couples an easy intentional date together that all the hard work\u2019s done there for you. It sets you up for such great conversation together. It reminded me of a quote of a couple, who did the <em>Dates to Remember <\/em>box; they said: \u201cThe date gave us time to really talk about more than just the day-to-day running of our lives.\u201d\n\nI thought about it\u2014because, man, the holidays\/it is nothing but day-to-day running\u2014you know, every day, you\u2019re just surviving until the next day, sadly. We\u2019ve marked off a day to really give an extended date in the beginning of December to look ahead and to build that time together before we enter into the craziness of the holidays. I want to encourage you to do the same.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, the <em>Dates to Remember <\/em>box is a <em>great<\/em> tool to help you be intentional in your marriage. You can find out more about this resource on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com.\n\nNow, tomorrow, we are going to introduce you to a foundling. Joseph Wood learned, later in life, that he had been abandoned as a baby; was, ultimately, adopted. He\u2019ll share his story with us tomorrow. I hope you can be here for that.\n\nOn behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry.\n\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/307300","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=307300"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=307300"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=307300"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=307300"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=307300"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=307300"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=307300"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}