{"id":307258,"date":"2021-10-12T07:00:07","date_gmt":"2021-10-12T11:00:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/i-want-my-kids-to-talk-to-me\/"},"modified":"2025-01-09T13:10:16","modified_gmt":"2025-01-09T18:10:16","slug":"i-want-my-kids-to-talk-to-me","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/i-want-my-kids-to-talk-to-me\/","title":{"rendered":"I Want My Kids To Talk To Me"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Do you struggle with getting your kids to talk to you? Becky Harling explains how to give them a voice.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Do you struggle with getting your kids to talk to you? Becky Harling explains how to give them a voice.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-10-12.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:28:36","filesize":"26.19M","filesize_raw":"27459287","date_recorded":"2021-10-12 07:00:07","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2835,2836,2806,2855,2870,2881],"tags":[4527,4811,2209,4796],"podcast_series":[8481],"cwp_profile":[9737],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-307258","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-raising-boys","category-raising-girls","category-spiritual-development","category-teens","category-tweens","category-young-children","tag-communication","tag-daughters","tag-parenting","tag-sons","podcast_series-how-to-listen-so-your-kids-will-talk","cwp_profile-becky-harling","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/307258\/i-want-my-kids-to-talk-to-me","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/307258\/i-want-my-kids-to-talk-to-me","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"WJK0hhjiAO\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/i-want-my-kids-to-talk-to-me\/\">I Want My Kids To Talk To Me<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/i-want-my-kids-to-talk-to-me\/embed\/#?secret=WJK0hhjiAO\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;I Want My Kids To Talk To Me&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"WJK0hhjiAO\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Do you struggle with getting your kids to talk to you? Becky Harling explains how to give them a voice.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-10-12.pdf","transcript_content":"<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> We want kids that are going to grow up to be adults that have a strong voice in this world. Our children are separate from us; they\u2019re <em>not<\/em> always going to think like us. They\u2019re going to have different ideas and opinions. We want to create places\u2014maybe it\u2019s the dinner table\u2014where they can voice those opinions.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>I think this is going to be a really good conversation today.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; because we\u2019ve got somebody with us that\u2019s going to help us learn how to listen, as parents, so our kids will <em>talk<\/em>. Sounds like a book title to me.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is Becky Harling with us today. She wrote the book, as you said, Dave, <em>How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Becky, you have four kids.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> You\u2019ve been married 41 years.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> You have 14 grandkids.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s pretty amazing. But you\u2019re also a speaker; you\u2019re a leadership coach; you\u2019re a trainer with the John Maxwell team. You\u2019ve written several books, including <em>How to Listen So People Will Talk. <\/em>And you\u2019ve spent more than 30 years teaching God\u2019s Word to people all around the world. We really do have an expert today; I\u2019m excited.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, and we need help. [Laughter] I mean, our kids are older; but we\u2019ve got grandkids now; and our listeners have kids of all different ages.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m going to ask you the question that\u2019s on the title of your book: \u201cHow do we listen so our kids will talk?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> We have to be intentional. We have all messed up in this area, and it\u2019s an area where <em>God<\/em> continues to grow us. God gave <em>me<\/em> a little negotiator; she was about three years old when I realized what a negotiator she was. She was tiny but mighty, as the pediatrician would say. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>I just remember thinking, \u201cOh, my word, how can you be three years old and have so many opinions?\u201d She had opinions on <em>everything<\/em>. From the time she was three, Steph would start conversations with: \u201cMom, don\u2019t say no <em>yet<\/em>,\u201d and then we would go into this long argument.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Is this your firstborn?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> No! This is my third.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Really.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> I <em>treasure<\/em> her\u2014because you know what?\u2014God had to change me. I grew up in a fairly abusive, authoritative home\/very abusive, actually. Growing up in a Christian home, and being a Bible teacher, we all heard that your kids are supposed to be well-behaved\/grow up to love Jesus. Unfortunately, that meant I talked a lot. I\u2019m a teacher; right?\u2014I had a lot to say\/a lot of instructions\u2014\u201cPick up your clothes,\u201d \u201cMake your bed,\u201d \u201cGet your homework ready.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I needed to learn\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> So this was you, as a mom.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes! I had to learn how to listen and to really tune in to what was coming from my kids\u2019 hearts.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Was that something that you learned <em>quickly<\/em>? How did you learn it?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> I did <em>not<\/em> learn it quickly. [Laughter] It\u2019s a skill that we have to continue working on. In our home, my husband Steve and I realized we needed a key verse to shape our family; because we really didn\u2019t know what we were doing as parents. We knew we wanted good kids; we knew we wanted a good relationship with them. Driving everything we did, we had two goals in mind: we wanted them to grow up to love Jesus; we knew: \u201cWe really can\u2019t control that; we can only model that.\u201d But we wanted them to grow up with a strong connection with us; that meant we had to learn how to listen.<\/p>\n<p>The verse that we chose for our house is Proverbs 24:3 and 4: \u201cBy wisdom a house is built; through understanding it is established. Through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures [NIV].\u201d We <em>loved<\/em> that verse, so our whole family system was built on those verses from Proverbs.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> How did you break that down and think, \u201cOkay, this is what we want it to <em>look like<\/em> now in our family\u201d?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> Well, there\u2019s three couplets in that verse; so they became really goals for Steve, my husband, and I. The first one is \u201cwisdom.\u201d We knew, \u201cOh man, does it ever take wisdom.\u201d In fact\u2014funny story yesterday\u2014we have a family text thread. My girls were all texting me, saying, \u201cOh my word, why didn\u2019t you tell us parenting was going to be so hard?\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> You have three daughters and a son.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> I have three daughters and a son, yes.<\/p>\n<p>Anyway, parenting <em>is<\/em> hard; but at the end of the day, parents have to go back to the Lord for wisdom; because each child is different. So we exercise that principle every day, getting on our knees, asking God for wisdom.<\/p>\n<p>The second one is: \u201c\u2026through understanding it is established.\u201d The idea behind understanding here is re-setting up something that\u2019s been toppled over. For our kids, they go out in the world, and their emotions are toppled over: people say mean things to them or they get their feelings hurt. As a parent, when you listen to understand, you are helping to reestablish that child\u2019s heart.<\/p>\n<p>Then \u201cThrough knowledge, the rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.\u201d You\u2019ve got to know your kids: \u201cWho are their friends?\u201d \u201cWhat are the things your kids love?\u201d \u201cWhat do they gravitate to?\u201d\u201d What are their strengths? What are their weaknesses?\u201d Because when you can celebrate every child\u2019s unique personality, then your home is filled with rare and beautiful moments.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Did you get to a point in parenting, where you thought, \u201cI can\u2019t do this apart from God\u201d?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> Oh, my word; I mean, we got to that point <em>many times<\/em>; right?! We had four kids; we didn\u2019t know what we were doing! I can\u2019t even tell you how many times I was at that point; like, \u201cLord, You\u2019ve got to help, because I\u2019m not doing this well.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I remember one morning\u2014it had been a rough morning with my little negotiator; and it had actually been a rough <em>week<\/em> with my little negotiator\u2014I just remember getting up, really early, getting on my knees and <em>sobbing<\/em> before the Lord, and just saying, \u201cI can\u2019t do this. I\u2019m messing her up for life. She\u2019s going to need a lifetime of therapy. I just can\u2019t do this. You\u2019ve got to help me!\u201d And the Lord did; He showed me that I had to keep my mouth shut more. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> As our kids got older, I remember my older friend saying, \u201cAs your kids become teenagers, you just say less and you pray more.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> Oh, yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I remember thinking, \u201cReally? Is that really necessary?\u201d I realize, \u201cYes, that is really necessary to pray more.\u201d So I was praying, all through the day,\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> Oh, yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014all the time\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> Me too.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014even when I woke up in the morning: \u201cLord, help me because I know I could blow it. I know I will blow it, and I need Your wisdom. I need Your help.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Were there specific times that you felt like, \u201cOh, God really gave me some wisdom in this\u201d?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> I got home from a speaking event, and my little negotiator who was then 12, came bounding down the steps. She had an idea; she\u2019s like, \u201cHi, Mom.\u201d She said, \u201cI really think I deserve a TV in my room.\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Now that went against everything Steve and I believed in as parents. I just remember thinking\/I could feel a response coming on, and I\/thankfully, I paused; I was like, \u201cLord, show me what to do.\u201d I said, \u201cYou know what Steph?\u201d I knew I didn\u2019t have the energy to argue this; so I said, \u201cGo up to the office, and I want you to write for me a proposal. It\u2019s got to have good paragraph structure; it\u2019s got to have good sentences, capitals, periods\u2014the whole thing.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She was all excited. She went up and worked for <em>two hours<\/em> on this proposal. She brought it down to Steve and I, and she presented her proposal. We excused her, so we could talk. Steve said, \u201cBeck, I don\u2019t know what we\u2019re going to do; this is really <em>good<\/em>.\u201d [Laughter] So we gave in, and we let her have a black-and-white TV in her room that only worked on two channels. She felt like she <em>won<\/em>. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> What does she do now?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> She is <em>amazing<\/em>. She has a <em>very<\/em> strong voice for the Lord; she\u2019s on staff at her church. She has four kids\u2014two of them are very strong negotiators\u2014and I get to laugh. She\u2019s working on her master\u2019s degree in counselling.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Wow!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes, she\u2019s amazing<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s really amazing though; because you thought, \u201cThe answer\u2019s going to be \u2018No\u2019; we\u2019re not going to let her have a TV in there.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> Right!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> But what she had done, and her argument was so compelling,\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014that you just saw, \u201cWe have to.\u201d But I like the idea that it had two channels and was black and white. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> I know; I know. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Now, I tell parents: \u201cHey, if you have a negotiator\u2014if they\u2019re grammar school age, or junior high, or even teen agers\u2014learn to use the power of a proposal, because it gives you time to pray while they\u2019re working on that proposal.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s really wise.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014and\/and\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> \u2014and it gives them a voice.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, I was just going to say: \u201cIt gives them a voice.\u201d Your first chapter is \u201cGive Them a Voice.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> A lot of us would have just said, \u201cNo, they don\u2019t have a voice. They\u2019re not even\u2014they\u2019re going to ask\u2014and it\u2019s over.\u201d But I mean, that\u2019s wisdom.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> You just modeled wisdom, understanding, knowledge. [Laughter] Seriously, I don\u2019t know if I would have ever done that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think that is\/I mean, that was from God.<\/p>\n<p>I had a situation that I\u2019ve shared before. It was when our son was 13. He was in a bad mood before school, which then made me mad. We get in this argument, and I tell him his privileges are gone for the weekend. I get in the car to drive him to school. Now, I feel bad; because I had over- reacted, which I can do that quite often.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, every once in a while.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> We all can. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I tell him, \u201cCJ, I\u2019m really sorry. I overreacted. Let\u2019s just talk about this before we get to school.\u201d He will not <em>talk<\/em>. That\u2019s the thing that drives me most crazy of anything when you can\u2019t have a conversation, because I want to have that conversation. We\u2019re driving; I say, \u201cHey, don\u2019t just shut down. Let\u2019s really talk about what happened. What were you feeling? What were you thinking?\u201d I\u2019m trying to listen.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> But there\u2019s nothing; he says nothing.<\/p>\n<p>We get to the school. I stop the car; I said, \u201cHey, don\u2019t get out of the car until we, at least, make a little head way of saying, \u2018Tell me what you\u2019re feeling.\u2019\u201d He looks at me; he opens the car door, and he goes into the school. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Now I\u2019m like, \u201cAhhh!\u201d Now, I\u2019m mad; and I\u2019m trying to think what I should do: \u201cShould I go back in and get him?\u201d But then I\u2019m reminded, \u201cPray.\u201d I think of James 1: \u201cIf any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God who gives generously without reproach<\/p>\n<p>[James 1:5].\u201d I said that: \u201cLord, I have no idea what I\u2019m doing. I don\u2019t know what to do; I don\u2019t know what to say. But I don\u2019t want this to be an ongoing thing, where we have conflict, and then he shuts down; so give me wisdom.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>In my mind, popped this thought\u2014went home, grabbed a piece of paper\u2014put a stick figure of a girl, stick figure of a guy; and I put a brick in the middle of us. He came home later that day. Because I had put that note right on his desk, where he studies, he came in the house, goes upstairs [for his] studies, and then he comes immediately downstairs with this paper. He goes, \u201cMom, what is this?\u2014like your attempt at art? What is this that you put on my desk?\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>I said, \u201cOh, that\u2019s what happened to us today. That\u2019s me, the woman; that\u2019s you, the guy. That thing in between\u2014that block\/that brick\u2014is the fight that we had. It\u2019s in our relationship now; it\u2019s unresolved.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He said, \u201cMom, it\u2019s not there; I\u2019m not even mad about it.\u201d I said, \u201cI\u2019m not either, but that doesn\u2019t mean the brick has disappeared and the conflict is resolved. We\u2019re just not mad that it\u2019s there anymore.\u201d So we had this <em>great<\/em> discussion about how, if you have <em>one<\/em> fight and you don\u2019t resolve it, and I took a pencil and I made all these bricks.<\/p>\n<p>I said, \u201cI see families, all the time, that can\u2019t even <em>talk<\/em>; because they\u2019ve had so many arguments, and they haven\u2019t resolved them. And we\u2019ve seen marriages\/that happened to them as well.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s so fun because he said, \u201cSo how do you get rid of the brick?\u201d; you know? [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> I love that!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> We talked about it; we prayed about it; and I erased it.<\/p>\n<p>I would have <em>never<\/em> have come up with this thought in my mind to draw a picture of that picture. I think God is so beautifully merciful to us when we go to Him and ask. He gives generously.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes, absolutely.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Talk about this: \u201cHow do we give our kids a voice?\u201d Because often, we are the voice, as a parent; and we want to be authoritative, and we want to lead them in a right way. Yet, there are times we need to give them a voice. And there are other times we <em>don\u2019t<\/em>, so there\u2019s got to be wisdom there. How do we give them a voice?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> I think we need to really be intentional about giving them a voice, because we want kids that are going to grow up to be adults that have a strong voice in this world. I think it <em>begins<\/em> with a mind change on <em>our<\/em> part. Our children are separate from us; they\u2019re <em>not<\/em> always going to think like us. They\u2019re going to have different ideas and opinions. We want to create places\u2014maybe it\u2019s the dinner table\u2014where they can voice those opinions. We want to really <em>affirm<\/em> their creativity in how they express their voice.<\/p>\n<p>My husband was the pastor of this large church, and we had Wednesday night programs. Our kids would go to these Wednesday night programs. My oldest was in third grade so she was part of Pioneer Girls at the time. <em>But<\/em> Bethany was very athletic; and at Pioneer Girls, they wanted them to sew. She couldn\u2019t <em>stand<\/em> sewing. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>The boys were getting more gym time; so Bethany and her friend, Robin\u2014I\u2019ll never forget this\u2014created a petition. They took it around to all the fourth-grade girls, the third-grade girls, and the second-grade girls. Then they went very respectfully to the children\u2019s ministry director and presented their petition for why the girls needed more gym time.<\/p>\n<p>This is <em>awesome<\/em>, because they did it in a respectful way. We gave them\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think all your kids are negotiators.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> Oh, yes; probably. [Laughter] They brought a proposal to the children\u2019s ministry director.<\/p>\n<p>I think family dinners are a <em>great<\/em> place to encourage your kids\u2019 voice: talk about faith issues\/let them express their doubts. Because they need to wrestle out their faith in order for it to be strong later.<\/p>\n<p>I think there are some guiding principles throughout the book: \u201cAsk questions,\u201d \u201cGive them opportunities to make choices. Don\u2019t make every choice for them. They need to make choices, and they need to own their choices for better or for worse.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I know the quote early in your book\u2014I\u2019d <em>never<\/em> seen this quote\u2014and I was like, \u201cWow!\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I love this quote, too; because it really stuck out to me last night when I was reading your book: \u201cBeing heard is so close to being loved that, for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable,\u201d by David Augsburger.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes, I love it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s a heavy, heavy quote. That combination of being heard, they feel <em>loved<\/em> by that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I mean, we all do.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes, we do; and fortunately, in our day and age, we all didn\u2019t have to deal with this as much\u2014the whole technology piece\u2014but that is shaping families right now; because you have parents that are <em>continually<\/em> on their cell phone, and we\u2019ve all been guilty of it.<\/p>\n<p>But if your child\u2019s going to really going to feel loved and connected to you, they <em>have<\/em> to feel heard. We <em>have<\/em> to make sure we\u2019re being intentional about opening those doors of communication.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> You even talk about looking them in the eye,\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky<\/strong>: Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014making sure that they\u2019re <em>seeing<\/em> that you are looking at them.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes, I love the story, in Luke 15, of the prodigal. That story for me, personally, is my all-time favorite story that Jesus ever told; because I grew up with a very abusive father. To <em>see<\/em> the actions of the father in that story with his son, who has <em>really<\/em> blown it and wasted the family inheritance\/ran off. He\u2019s like the typical college freshman; right?\u2014he\u2019s partying; and all of a sudden, it dawns on this kid, \u201cHey, maybe I should get a job,\u201d\u2014there\u2019s a profound thought. The kid gets a job slopping pigs. Then he finally thinks, \u201cI should go home and work for my dad.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>But what\u2019s <em>amazing<\/em> about the story is the kid starts home; and the father is outside, scanning the horizon. I can hardly ever teach this story without crying, because it impacts me so much. But that father lifts his robe, and <em>runs<\/em> to that kid, and throws his arms around that kid. This is the kid who has made his life <em>miserable<\/em>. But he throws his arms around that kid\u2014he\u2019s loving him; he\u2019s hugging him; he looks him in the eye\u2014and he says, \u201cYou\u2019re going to come home, as my son, not my servant.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s such a powerful example of what God wants for us, even in our parenting. When we look at our kids, and our eyes light up to see them, there\u2019s all this science that\u2019s been done that you are actually <em>building<\/em> your child\u2019s joy center; what an amazing capacity that God\u2019s given us.<\/p>\n<p>I have little grandbabies. When you look at that little grandbaby, and you\u2019re looking at them eye to eye, and your eyes light up to see them, you\u2019re building their capacity to be able to return to joy later in life. How crazy is that?!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s amazing.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky: <\/strong>It is!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019m thinking about that with each of our kids or our grandkids, to really look them in the eye. As a mom, with little kids, this feels like: \u201cAre you kidding me? I\u2019m making dinner. I\u2019ve just come home from my job; I\u2019m exhausted. They\u2019re all running around; it\u2019s crazy. There\u2019s homework to be done. There\u2019s dishes to be done.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes, all of the things.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> But to stop for a minute to look in your kid\u2019s eyes to tell them, \u201cI see you, and I <em>love<\/em> you who you are.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>That is one of the greatest gifts that you will <em>ever<\/em> give to your kids\u2014and I will add\u2014\u201c\u2026and to your spouse.\u201d Because I\u2019m worse with Dave than I am with my kids. My kids can come in and I\u2019m [cheerfully], \u201cHey, what\u2019s up?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> But Dave can come in, and I can be like [frustrated], \u201cWhere have you been?\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> We\u2019ve all done that! You brought up a good point, too; because when your kids are coming home and into the house, looking excited to see them. That\u2019s not the time to be on your phone; look them in the eye, \u201cHow was your day?!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019re going to have the kids, who are going to be like, \u201cFine,\u201d or whatever, but\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> And they\u2019ll go through phases that they\u2019ll do that for a while, actually,\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014like [annoyed], \u201cIt\u2019s no big deal, Mom. Why are you making such a big deal out of it?\u201d But they remember it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> They remember it. When you look excited to see them\u2014I mean, you and I know\u2014we all have grandkids; right?\u2014when they come to my house, and they run in that open door, and they\u2019re like, \u201cMimi!\u201d\u2014and I\u2019m hugging them, and picking them up, and looking them in the eye\u2014there\u2019s a whole wealth of nonverbal language that happens that we can show our kids we love them, without really even using our words\u2014not that it\u2019s not important to say, \u201cI love you,\u201d\u2014but hugging them, and looking them in the eye, and <em>smiling<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>I remember, in our home, some of my girls\u2014it seems like the girls confront a little more than our son did at this age; [Laughter] it seems all of my stories are about <em>them<\/em>. Anyway, they said, \u201cYou know, Mom, you look angry.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m like, \u201cI\u2019m not angry\u201d; I was probably focused on some project. I literally went before the mirror\u2014this is\/I\u2019m being very vulnerable here\u2014I literally went before the mirror the next day at school, and I practiced smiling, like: \u201cWhat does my face look like? What messages am I sending these kids with my <em>face<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s so funny. [Laughter] But it\u2019s a great thought: \u201cAm I constantly\/do I have my mind on something else? Am I distracted?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> But as you were saying that, the thing that hit me was, as you talked about the prodigal, our Father is always <em>so happy<\/em> to be with us\u2014our heavenly Father.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> When we come to Him, He\u2019s smiling. It doesn\u2019t matter what you\u2019ve done; He\u2019s always so glad that we\u2019ve come into His presence.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> And He\u2019s always welcoming us; that\u2019s a good reminder.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> As you were talking, I\u2019m remembering walking in my house every day\/every day after school\u2014Dad left; my little brother died\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Becky: <\/strong>I\u2019m so sorry.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>I\u2019m really feeling unloved. I can remember walking in the back door from the driveway every single day\u2014and it didn\u2019t hit me until I was listening to you two moms talk\u2014that my mom stopped <em>everything<\/em>, hugged me, kissed me, looked me in the eye, sat down for dinner, and asked me about my day, every single day. I <em>ran<\/em> home; because I felt seen, and loved, and heard.<\/p>\n<p>She probably didn\u2019t know that Bible verse; but she had wisdom, understanding and knowledge. I thought, \u201cMan, I want to be home\u201d; because I was loved. I was loved, because I was <em>heard<\/em>. It\u2019s a perfect example of what the Father looks like. In my case, it was a single mom.<\/p>\n<p>But to the parent listening, I\u2019d say: \u201cToday\u2019s your day. No matter what yesterday was, or how you have been parenting, I hope God spoke in such a way, saying, \u2018Today I need to make sure my son or daughter feels heard. I need to look them in the eye, turn off my phone,\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014smile.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cand let them talk, and see where God takes us.\u2019 It will be a beautiful day.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Some of our kids are an open book; it\u2019s not a challenge to get them to talk to us. But there are children\u2014and there are seasons for all of our kids\u2014when they shut down or pull back. As parents, we have to be shrewd\/we\u2019ve got to be wise in thinking about how we can draw them out.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s what Dave and Ann Wilson have been talking with Becky Harling about today. Becky has written a book called <em>How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk<\/em>, and we want to make that book available to our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners this week, those of you who can support the mission of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>\/help cover the cost of producing and syndicating this program, which is listened to every day by hundreds of thousands of people all around the world.<\/p>\n<p>If you can invest in the lives and marriages of those listeners by supporting the work of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, we\u2019d love to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d by sending you a copy of Becky\u2019s book. Again, it\u2019s <em>How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk<\/em>. You can make your donation online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. Again, our website is FamilyLifeToday.com. The number to call to make a donation is 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Now, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to talk about what we can do, as parents, to help our kids get in touch with what they\u2019re feeling and know the right words to use. Sometimes, they\u2019re not talking to us; because they don\u2019t know what words to use. We\u2019ll talk about how we can help with that, as parents, tomorrow. Becky Harling will be back with us. We hope you can be back with us as well.<\/p>\n<p>On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll see back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry.<\/p>\n<p>Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. 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