{"id":307253,"date":"2021-10-06T07:00:08","date_gmt":"2021-10-06T11:00:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/no-perfect-parent-the-teen-years\/"},"modified":"2021-10-06T07:00:08","modified_gmt":"2021-10-06T11:00:08","slug":"no-perfect-parent-the-teen-years","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/no-perfect-parent-the-teen-years\/","title":{"rendered":"No Perfect Parents: The Teen Years"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Are you struggling with raising your teen? Dave and Ann Wilson present the top five things parents can do to parent their teenagers.<br \/>\nShow Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tFind resources from this podcast at https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130.<br \/>\n \tDownload FamilyLife&#8217;s app\u00a0https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/<br \/>\n \tCheck out all that&#8217;s available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.\u00a0 https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Are you struggling with raising your teen? Dave and Ann Wilson present the top five things parents can do to parent their teenagers.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-10-06.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:28:36","filesize":"26.19M","filesize_raw":"27457178","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2834,2855],"tags":[2209,2588],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[3647],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-307253","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-praying-for-your-children","category-teens","tag-parenting","tag-teens","cwp_profile-dave-and-ann-wilson","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/307253\/no-perfect-parent-the-teen-years","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/307253\/no-perfect-parent-the-teen-years","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"CnxAhrlzUj\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/no-perfect-parent-the-teen-years\/\">No Perfect Parents: The Teen Years<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/no-perfect-parent-the-teen-years\/embed\/#?secret=CnxAhrlzUj\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;No Perfect Parents: The Teen Years&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"CnxAhrlzUj\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-10-06.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-10-06.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Tell me your <em>favorite<\/em> stage of parenting\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, I loved all of the stages.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014one that you loved the <em>most<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Teenage years.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Really?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, because you start really seeing who they are; but you\u2019re also having this dynamic, deep relationship now.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But they start to <em>do<\/em> things, and to push back on you, and act in ways that sometimes <em>embarrass<\/em> you.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s embarrassing. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\nWelcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Tell me your <em>favorite<\/em> stage of parenting\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, I loved all of the stages.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014one that you loved the <em>most<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Teenage years.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; you know what? I was thinking you might say the teen years.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Would you say that?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think I was surprised by the teen years.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, because everyone warned us [menacingly]: \u201cWait until they become teenagers.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, everybody was like: \u201cOh man, they\u2019re going to make bad decisions,\u201d \u201cThey\u2019re going to push back on you.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And they did all that.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, they did. [Laughter] Yes; there was\/there were difficult times and nights; but I, as I look back now\u2014you know, our oldest is 35, and we\u2019ve got grandkids\u2014the teenage years, with all three of the boys, were some of the best years.\n\nWe get to talk today from our book, <em>No Perfect Parents<\/em>, and talk about the teenage years. In the book, we laid out four different stages or phases of the parenting journey, from what we call the zero to five age\u2014we call that the Discipline Stage\u2014because you\u2019re trying to really discipline and teach them boundaries and what \u201cNo,\u201d means. There\u2019s poop and pee, and everything all over the house, and toys\u2014Ann\u2019s rolling her eyes because I always say this\u2014that\u2019s all I remember about the diaper years. [Laughter]\n\nThen you go to the next stage\u2014we call it the Training Stage\u2014which is somewhere around ages five and six up to about twelve, where you\u2019re really developing and training them. Those first 12 years, we say in the book, are where they\u2019re really open to a parent\u2019s input. Those are <em>critical years<\/em>.\n\nAround year 12 or 13\u2014we call that the Coaching Stage\u2014which is the teenaged years. They\u2019re not as open to a parent\u2019s input\u2014not that they\u2019re not\u2014but they\u2019re starting to look outside to their friends and other influences. You say, \u201cThis is the question; you live in the question.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Talk about that. I know you wrote about that in the book, <em>No Perfect Parents<\/em>. But what does that mean?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I say, \u201cThese are the years that you begin living in the question. In other words, you\u2019re asking a lot of questions. You might already know the answers, but you\u2019re getting them to really discover what they\u2019re thinking about things\/their ideas. You\u2019re getting them to form opinions, and it\u2019s really helping them to become critical thinkers.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Give me an example: \u201cWhat\u2019s living in the question?\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay; let\u2019s say your nine-year-old comes and says, \u201cHey, Mom. Everybody\u2019s going to this movie. Can I go?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> This is a nine-year-old; we\u2019re talking teenagers.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> No, wait, wait, wait.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, okay.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> At nine years old, you think, \u201cNo, hon, that movie isn\u2019t appropriate; we\u2019re not going to go to that movie. This is why\u2026\u201d\n\nNow, your 14-year-old comes home; he says, \u201cHey, Mom. Everybody\u2019s going to this movie. Can I go?\u201d\n\nMy first instinct is: \u201cThere\u2019s no way you\u2019re seeing that movie! That\u2019s <em>horrible<\/em> and inappropriate,\u201d\u2014and blah, blah. But you don\u2019t say \u201cNo\u201d; you live in the question and you say, \u201cWell, tell me about the movie.\u201d Then you say, \u201cTell me <em>your<\/em> thoughts about the movie. What do you think about seeing that?\u201d Now, you already know you\u2019re not going to let them go; [Laughter] but you don\u2019t let them know that.\n\nYou did that a lot, too; you asked questions like that: \u201cWell, what do you think?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; again, you\u2019re trying to get at the heart. In some ways, you\u2019re almost like, \u201cDid the first 12 years of all the discipline and training pay off? Are they thinking along the ways we\u2019ve tried to help them think?\u201d Sometimes, you\u2019ll think, \u201cNo, none of it worked; they\u2019re off the rails.\u201d [Laughter] And other times, you\u2019ll see that they are <em>processing<\/em> some of the things you taught them.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I remember we had a discussion at the dinner table about curfews: \u201cHey, you guys, what do you think about curfews as you\u2019re getting older? In high school, should you have a curfew?\u201d We already knew the answer; but we were bringing them in, like, \u201cHey, let\u2019s talk about it; because we really care about your opinions and thoughts of this.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; here\u2019s the thing\u2014talk about\u2014because when they hit the teenage years; and again, there\u2019s not a magic number: it could be 11; it could be 13\u2014but they start to do things, and to push back on you, and act in ways that sometimes <em>embarrass<\/em> you.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s <em>embarrassing<\/em>. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; so this one time, we have this ice skating party. Then we\u2019re going to go into our friend\u2019s house, and we\u2019re having a big potluck. Our oldest was 14. We\u2019re done ice skating; go in the house. There\u2019s all this great <em>food<\/em> laid out. Someone\u2019s getting ready to pray, so the room is perfectly silent. Suddenly, you hear someone say, \u201cThis food looks like trash!\u201d out loud. I look over and discover: \u201cThat was our son!\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014our oldest.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Our oldest son just said that! The kids are kind of snickering, and the parents are like [gasping sound]. I give my son the evil eye, like, \u201cAre you kidding me?\u201d I was so embarrassed and humiliated.\n\nWhat did <em>you<\/em> think of that moment? I think you\u2019re the one that <em>prayed. <\/em>\n\n<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I was praying; it was <em>so<\/em> embarrassing. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You\u2019re the pastor!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I mean, part of me is like, \u201cI just hope that\u2019s anybody else\u2019s kid but mine\u201d; [Laughter] and it\u2019s <em>mine<\/em>\u2014actually, it\u2019s yours\u2014that was <em>your<\/em> comment though. I mean, it\u2019s just, again, so much of parenting is you care about what others think of you as a parent.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> <em>Yes<\/em>, especially as teens.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; so when CJ did that, it was like, \u201cOh, no.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Then the evening goes on. We\u2019re getting ready to leave; I say to CJ, \u201cHey, Cody didn\u2019t bring his shoes; he only brought his ice skates. Can you put him on your back and carry him out to the car?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Cody\u2019s what?\u2014nine?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014not even.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014eight\/seven.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; the room, again, for some reason, is quiet. CJ, really loudly, says, \u201cI have to do everything in this family!\u201d [Laughter] Everybody, again, looks at us; I\u2019m so humiliated. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Not only are we like\u2014I\u2019m the pastor of the church; we also teach and speak about marriage\u2014[Laughter]\u2014we\u2019re sort of known, like: \u201cThey\u2019re the Wilson family; they\u2019ve got it together.\u201d And there it is: \u201cThey don\u2019t have it together.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You guys, I just want you to know: I was so mad. CJ begins walking out the door\u2014Cody\u2019s on his back\u2014and Austin\u2019s running to the car. Then CJ bends over\u2014and by the way, as we\u2019re walking, I am right on his heels\u2014I\u2019m saying to him, right in his ear, [speaking intensely] \u201cThat was <em>so <\/em>embarrassing, and <em>so<\/em> disrespectful, and <em>so<\/em> rude.\u201d I\u2019m\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cYou\u2019re in so much trouble.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cWait; you\u2019re in so much trouble.\u201d And why?\u2014because I was embarrassed, because I looked bad.\n\nThen he\u2019s kind of bending over; he\u2019s off balance, putting Cody into the car. There was this big snow bank right beside the car. I don\u2019t know what happened to me; but in that split second, I just kind of nudged my shoulder under his shoulder. I just nudged him, and he falls into this snow bank. I jump in the car, and I lock all the doors. [Laughter]\n\nNow, he\u2019s pounding on all of the windows, like, \u201cMom, let me in!\u201d Then what happens? Pastor Dave comes to the car.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I come walking out. That\u2019s what I see\u2014CJ\u2019s pounding on the back window and you\u2019re in there\u2014like you\u2019re not unlocking the door. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> No, I\u2019m not.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You\u2019re not going to let him in. [Laughter] He\u2019s like, \u201cAm I going to go home with you?\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cWhat is happening?!\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Dave unlocks the door, and he lets CJ in. Then I\u2019m mortified of my own actions, like, \u201cWhat am I?\u2014the 13-year-old here?\u201d Then I start to cry. I say to Dave, \u201cI just want you to know I will <em>never<\/em> talk about marriage or parenting ever in my life again, because I have no idea what I\u2019m doing.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I remember you really did say that\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I did!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014like, \u201cI\u2019m never teaching on this. I\u2019m never getting up on stage with you.\u201d\n\nAnd now, we wrote a book on marriage and on parenting. [Laughter] Again, not that we\u2019re experts\u2014the title of the book ought to tell you something\u2014<em>No Perfect Parents<\/em>. We are <em>not<\/em>; and you aren\u2019t; and your kids aren\u2019t.\n\nI think even the title, especially in the teenaged years, alerts you to the fact that the expectation of trying to be perfect is a ridiculous expectation\u2014you can\u2019t; you won\u2019t\u2014you\u2019re going to make mistake, after mistake, after mistake.\n\nBut the teen years are <em>crucial<\/em> years.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So we want to take a few minutes to talk about it.\n\nOne of the passages of Scripture that really guided us is Psalm 127, where the Word of God says, \u201cUnless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Children are a heritage\u201d\u2014some translations say, \u201ca gift\u201d\u2014\u201cfrom the Lord, the offspring, a reward from Him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior [are] children born in one\u2019s youth [Psalm 127:1, 3-4].\u201d\n\nIf we\u2019re going to let the Lord build our house, how do we navigate the teen years? One of the things that I think really guided us\u2014I thought it was one of the best books on teenaged years\u2014was Shaunti Feldhahn\u2019s book, <em>For Parent\u2019s Only<\/em>, where she interviews, I think, a thousand teenagers and asked them questions. Then she says, \u201cParents, here\u2019s what I heard\u2026\u201d\n\nOne of the things that that book reminded us of, that I think every parent of teenagers needs to realize, is they\u2019re sort of addicted to something as a teenager. You think, \u201cOh, what are they addicted to? Are they addicted to popularity?\u201d or \u201c\u2026\u201d No, no, no; she says they\u2019re addicted\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cor social media?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; right\u2014she says, \u201cThey\u2019re addicted to freedom.\u201d She means they are on a pursuit to enjoy the freedom they now have as a young adult. In other words, they\u2019re going to pull away; they are pulling away from you as a parent.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>It\u2019s normal.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>It\u2019s not a bad thing; it\u2019s actually a natural thing, because they\u2019re becoming an adult. So you hear things, where you feel like, \u201cThey don\u2019t want me around anymore.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And they can act like they really don\u2019t even like you\u2014like they say things that hurt your feelings, and the tone of their voice makes you feel like they could care less about you\u2014it\u2019s really easy to get your feelings hurt <em>and<\/em> to pull away.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> The truth is: this is normal\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014and natural. At the same time, we, as parents, know that the season of our parenting is closing; so we are sort of grasping to make every moment count. And they\u2019re sort of walking away, so we can get fearful.\n\nThere\u2019s two reactions parents can have. One is we overbear them.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We become super controlling.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, we hoover; and we pull them closer.\n\nThe other is we just give up; it\u2019s like, \u201cOh, they\u2019re walking away. I\u2019m just\/they don\u2019t want me in their life anymore.\u201d\n\nBoth [reactions] are bad!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> If there\u2019s ever a season that highlights our imperfections, it\u2019s this one. They\u2019re pushing <em>against<\/em> the things that you have been pouring into them. I see parents\u2014and I felt this myself\u2014I get insecure. I remember saying to you, \u201cI\u2019m not even sure our kids even like me right now.\u201d Then I would whisper, too, like later, \u201cI\u2019m not sure I really like my kids right now, and that feels <em>wrong<\/em>.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think one of the reasons we feel that way is\u2014and Shaunti mentions this in the book\u2014is they start, as a teenager, to question the values that we\u2019ve instilled in them.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s a natural thing, but we don\u2019t want it or expect it. She [Shaunti] uses the analogy of a castle. It\u2019s like we, as parents, when they\u2019re little, have been building this castle, block by block: \u201cThis is what the Wilson family is about:\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cThese are our morals\u2026\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cWe believe in God,\u201d \u201cWe believe in the Word of God, the Bible,\u201d \u201cWe believe in integrity,\u201d \u201cWe believe in hard work,\u201d\u2014all these that we believe\u2014\u201cSex is reserved for marriage,\u201d \u201cWe believe cursing is\u2026\u201d\n\nYou build all these blocks. When they\u2019re little, they accept most of them, if not all of them. They are just like: \u201cYes, that\u2019s what I believe too,\u201d and \u201cI agree with that,\u201d and \u201cI\u2019m a Wilson.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> They seem almost proud of it.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; then they hit the teen years. They start questioning and, maybe, even challenging some of these <em>core values<\/em> of their parents. It\u2019s almost like they\u2019ll pick up each block, and look at it, and think, \u201cHuh.\u201d Some of them will go, \u201cI don\u2019t agree with that.\u201d And they\u2019ll take this core foundational value of your family\u2014maybe even of the Word of God\u2014and they\u2019ll discard it; or they may go, \u201cYes, I do agree; and that\u2019s going to be a part of my life.\u201d\n\nBut that\u2019s where we, as parents, I think, of teenagers sort of freak out. It\u2019s like, \u201cWe don\u2019t want them to question that\u201d; we\u2019re sort of shocked. But guess what?\u2014that\u2019s a natural thing.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I remember this, Dave, too. I remember going to one of our son\u2019s one time, and I said to him\u2014this is living in the question again\u2014I said, \u201cIt feels like everything I\u2019m doing is bugging you\u2014your attitude toward me\u2014it feels like you don\u2019t like me. Can I just ask you, \u2018Am I bugging you?\u2019 and \u2018Are there some things that I could do that would help restore our relationship?\u2019\u201d\n\nHe goes, \u201cWell, you really are bugging me; because every single night, you\u2019re telling me: \u2018Why aren\u2019t you in bed?\u2019 \u2018Why don\u2019t you have your homework done?\u2019 \u2018Why are you still up?\u2019\u201d\n\nI said, \u201cSo what do you want me to do?\u201d He goes, \u201cI think I am old enough to make that decision of when I go to bed; and if I get my homework done, that should be on me.\u201d\n\nI remember thinking, \u201cThat seems like a little thing. That\u2019s really that big of a deal.\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cAlright; you\u2019re right. I\u2019m not going to do that anymore.\u201d I said, \u201cIs there anything else?\u201d\n\nHe goes, \u201cYes, I think this rule that we have of not letting girls at our house when you guys are out of town or gone, I think that\u2019s really dumb.\u201d You know, they\u2019re questioning the block\u2014looking at it\/thinking\u2014\u201cThat\u2019s a dumb block.\u201d I said, \u201cOh, okay; that\u2019s not going to change.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cThat\u2019s one that\u2019s going to stay there.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cBut here\u2019s why: because we hope to protect you. You know our views of this.\u201d\n\nI think it\u2019s great to have those discussions.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; and I think it\u2019s really important for us, as parents, to understand these teenage years are so crucial for them to build their <em>own<\/em> faith, not our faith. At some point, it\u2019s got to become <em>theirs<\/em>, not mom and dad\u2019s.\n\nThat means they\u2019re going to question. They may make some mistakes, but they have to go on their own journey. It\u2019s really easy for a parent to try and dictate all that. Of course, we do dictate a lot of that; but at some point, this freedom that they\u2019re starting to feel and the questions they\u2019re starting to ask, we need to encourage and be there to answer.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nI can remember our oldest, CJ, who has a very analytical engineer mind, thinking\/questioning things from the Bible\u2014even as a young boy\u2014but then as a teenager. I remember having\u2014living in the question\u2014\u201cOkay, tell me why you think that,\u201d and this kind of thing. What does CJ write in our book, <em>No Perfect Parents<\/em>? One of his comments was simply, \u201cIf my parents wouldn\u2019t have allowed me to question, I\u2019d probably be an atheist today.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We were like, \u201cWhat?!\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; but that was that\u2014he\u2019s picking up this block\/this value that we\u2019ve taught him, since he was a preschooler\u2014and now, he\u2019s saying, \u201cWhat do I believe?\u201d; and it became his faith.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What would you say to the parent listening right now, that maybe has teenagers or is going to have teenagers in the next few years? What\u2019s the key? Is there a key?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, it\u2019s what we heard from Josh McDowell, years ago: \u201cRules without relationship equal rebellion.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What\u2019s that mean?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That was pivotal for our parenting teens. It means that, if you\u2019re going to just keep laying down all the rules, and you\u2019re going to be super controlling, and you don\u2019t have a relationship where your kids know you love them\u2014you\u2019re talking to them; you know their hearts; they know your heart; that relationship is really solid\u2014if you don\u2019t have that, and you\u2019re just trying to lay down the rules, they\u2019re just going to rebel; because our kids are longing for a relationship with us.\n\nYou might be thinking, \u201cNo, they don\u2019t; they\u2019re pushing me away.\u201d But yes, they do.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s the truth. They are\u2014it seems like they\u2019re pushing you away\u2014but deep down, they <em>long<\/em> for a relationship with mom and dad.\n\nSo what\u2019s a parent to do?\u2014pursue, pursue, pursue. It\u2019s the same thing my wife wants me to do in our marriage;\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014it\u2019s like: \u201cYou pursued me before we got married; why would you stop now? Keep pursuing me. Keep romancing me. Keep coming after me in our marriage.\u201d\n\nIt\u2019s no different with our kids. Our kids are pulling away\u2014and they may say, \u201cNo, Dad; I don\u2019t want to spend time with you,\u201d or \u201cMom, I\u2019ve got other things to do,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s definitely true, but figure out a way to keep cultivating that relationship with your teenager.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I would really encourage dad\u2019s with their daughters: \u201cYour daughters need you. I know that it can be awkward when they become teenagers. It can feel like\/it feels a little different and weird; they feel like women now. Dads, can I just say, your daughter still has this little girl\u2019s heart that needs you to pursue her\/that needs you to tell her she\u2019s beautiful. Take her out to dinner. Go do something fun with her.\u201d\n\nI\u2019m just going to say, as a woman with my dad, I needed that from him, especially in the teenage years when I was vulnerable with guys in a relationship, in sexuality\u2014all of that\u2014I needed my dad to say: \u201cI love you,\u201d \u201cI think you\u2019re beautiful,\u201d \u201cYou have everything you need.\u201d Pursue your girls.\n\nAnd same, moms, pursue your sons: hang out with them. Sometimes, they act like they don\u2019t want to be with you. I remember saying to our one son, \u201cOkay, I can tell we\u2019re really bugging each other right now. Can we just go do something fun\/grab something to eat?\u201d When I would just ask him some questions\u2014like: \u201cHow are you doing?\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s going on?\u201d\u2014I could see, like, \u201cOh, there you are. Yes, I love who you are.\u201d Then I would tell him, \u201cMan, I love who you are; I love who you\u2019re becoming.\u201d They might not say anything positive back to you, but it\u2019s okay. They will later; they\u2019ll come back.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; and I would say, as we close this, there\u2019s so much more we put in that chapter\/actually, couple of chapters, in that book that we couldn\u2019t hit. When we talk about this at our parenting retreats, we talk about the top five things <em>we can do<\/em> to parent our teenagers.\n<ul>\n \t<li>Number one was: \u201cHang\u201d or \u201cDate.\u201d We say, \u201cLove is spelled T-I-M-E, so figure out a way to hang with your boys or date your daughters and spend time.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n \t<li>Number two is: \u201cStay up late.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, and I know some of you are morning people, and this sounds horrible to have to stay up; but one of the things we found with teens is a couple of things draw them in: you\u2019re up, and they will talk; the other thing with staying up is have food readily available, because wherever there is food, they congregate.\n\nI can remember our kids being at retreats or conferences; I would just have the table full of food when they came in the door. They would sit at the table, and we would just talk. Sometimes, that would go in\u2014honestly, remember?\u2014we\u2019d be up until one a.m.\/two a.m.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I wanted to go to bed so bad. [Laughter] At the same time, I\u2019m like, \u201cThey\u2019re going to be gone in a year or two, and this is valuable.\n<ul>\n \t<li>\u201cHang or Date,\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n \t<li>\u201cStay up,\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n \t<li>\u201cServe\u201d is\u2014I tell you what\u2014one of the best things we did was we went on mission trips with our kids. We served other people and showed them what\u2019s going on in the world different than\u2014it just\/it changed them.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And even in our community, we did\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014locally; yes.\n\nThe fourth one, and this a big one:\n<ul>\n \t<li>\u201cDo dinner.\u201d I know our lives are crazy\u2014they\u2019ve got schedules; they\u2019ve got things they\u2019re involved in\u2014figure out a way to sit down, as a family, and do dinner together.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\nHere\u2019s the last one. I\u2019m just doing this fast because of the time:\n<ul>\n \t<li>\u201cHit your knees.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Pray like crazy.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think to do it, if you\u2019re married, do it as a couple, honestly. If your spouse is falling asleep, just put your hand on their shoulder and pray for your kids constantly.\n\nIf you\u2019re a single parent, continue to pray. I would encourage you to get other people praying with you so that you can be praying for all of your kids.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I would say this: \u201cI\u2019m going to pray for your kids right now because I know how hard these years are\u2014they\u2019re awesome; they\u2019re wonderful\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014they\u2019re scary.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014they\u2019re scary.\n\nFather, I pray for the parents of teenagers right now\u2014pray that You would give them grace, peace\u2014pray for peace, the peace that passes all understanding that only comes from Your heart.\n\nI pray for their kids, that they would know You in a living relationship with Your Son, Jesus. I pray for protection over them, and I pray You\u2019d make them to become amazing men and women of God as they grow into adults.\n\nThank You, in Jesus name.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Amen.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Amen.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think a lot of moms and dads can resonate with the fear Ann Wilson has talked about: raising kids through the teen years as they begin to express their independence\/their desire for autonomy and as they\u2019re being bombarded with both peer pressure and cultural pressure to move away from what the Christian faith teaches about life and truth. These are challenging years for us, as parents.\n\nDave and Ann Wilson\u2019s book, <em>No Perfect Parents<\/em>,is really helping a lot of moms and dads be able to take a deep breath and go, \u201cOkay, we can do this. We\u2019re going to make mistakes, but God has grace for our mistakes. If we stay focused on the right thing, God is going to bless our parenting efforts.\u201d We\u2019ve got copies of the Wilson\u2019s book in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can request your copy online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call to order; 1-800-FL-TODAY is the number. Again, the title of the book is <em>No Perfect Parents<\/em> from Dave and Ann Wilson. Order online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call 1-800-358-6329; 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d Again, request your copy of the book, <em>No Perfect Parents<\/em>,by Dave and Ann Wilson.\n\nWe\u2019re also making available this week a new book by our friend, Janel Breitenstein, who was with us earlier this week, talking about how we mark and shape our children permanently for life as we raise them\/how we can point them in the right direction spiritually. We\u2019re making Janel\u2019s new book, <em>Permanent Markers<\/em>, available as a thank-you gift for those of you who can help extend the reach and the mission of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>\/help us reach more people, more often, with practical biblical help and hope.\n\nEvery day hundreds of thousands of people are coming to us\u2014online, through this radio program\/this podcast, the resources we have available\u2014they\u2019re looking for help and hope, and you make that possible for them when you support this ministry. Thanks, in advance, for prayerfully considering a financial gift to <em>FamilyLife<\/em> Today. When you do, request your copy of Janel Breitenstein\u2019s new book, <em>Permanent Markers<\/em>. We\u2019re happy to send it to you and are grateful for your support of this ministry.\n\nWe hope you can join us, again, tomorrow when we\u2019re going to tackle a provocative question; it\u2019s this: \u201cWhy does God care who I sleep with?\u201d Sam Allberry addresses that question with us tomorrow. Hope you can be here for that.\n\nOn behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry.\n\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\n<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\n\n1"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:28:36"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["26.19M"],"filesize_raw":["27457178"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-307253.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-307253.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f 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you struggling with raising your teen? Dave and Ann Wilson present the top five things parents can do to parent their teenagers.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-10-06.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Tell me your <em>favorite<\/em> stage of parenting\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, I loved all of the stages.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014one that you loved the <em>most<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Teenage years.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Really?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, because you start really seeing who they are; but you\u2019re also having this dynamic, deep relationship now.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But they start to <em>do<\/em> things, and to push back on you, and act in ways that sometimes <em>embarrass<\/em> you.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s embarrassing. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\nWelcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Tell me your <em>favorite<\/em> stage of parenting\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, I loved all of the stages.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014one that you loved the <em>most<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Teenage years.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; you know what? I was thinking you might say the teen years.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Would you say that?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think I was surprised by the teen years.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, because everyone warned us [menacingly]: \u201cWait until they become teenagers.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, everybody was like: \u201cOh man, they\u2019re going to make bad decisions,\u201d \u201cThey\u2019re going to push back on you.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And they did all that.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, they did. [Laughter] Yes; there was\/there were difficult times and nights; but I, as I look back now\u2014you know, our oldest is 35, and we\u2019ve got grandkids\u2014the teenage years, with all three of the boys, were some of the best years.\n\nWe get to talk today from our book, <em>No Perfect Parents<\/em>, and talk about the teenage years. In the book, we laid out four different stages or phases of the parenting journey, from what we call the zero to five age\u2014we call that the Discipline Stage\u2014because you\u2019re trying to really discipline and teach them boundaries and what \u201cNo,\u201d means. There\u2019s poop and pee, and everything all over the house, and toys\u2014Ann\u2019s rolling her eyes because I always say this\u2014that\u2019s all I remember about the diaper years. [Laughter]\n\nThen you go to the next stage\u2014we call it the Training Stage\u2014which is somewhere around ages five and six up to about twelve, where you\u2019re really developing and training them. Those first 12 years, we say in the book, are where they\u2019re really open to a parent\u2019s input. Those are <em>critical years<\/em>.\n\nAround year 12 or 13\u2014we call that the Coaching Stage\u2014which is the teenaged years. They\u2019re not as open to a parent\u2019s input\u2014not that they\u2019re not\u2014but they\u2019re starting to look outside to their friends and other influences. You say, \u201cThis is the question; you live in the question.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Talk about that. I know you wrote about that in the book, <em>No Perfect Parents<\/em>. But what does that mean?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I say, \u201cThese are the years that you begin living in the question. In other words, you\u2019re asking a lot of questions. You might already know the answers, but you\u2019re getting them to really discover what they\u2019re thinking about things\/their ideas. You\u2019re getting them to form opinions, and it\u2019s really helping them to become critical thinkers.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Give me an example: \u201cWhat\u2019s living in the question?\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay; let\u2019s say your nine-year-old comes and says, \u201cHey, Mom. Everybody\u2019s going to this movie. Can I go?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> This is a nine-year-old; we\u2019re talking teenagers.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> No, wait, wait, wait.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, okay.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> At nine years old, you think, \u201cNo, hon, that movie isn\u2019t appropriate; we\u2019re not going to go to that movie. This is why\u2026\u201d\n\nNow, your 14-year-old comes home; he says, \u201cHey, Mom. Everybody\u2019s going to this movie. Can I go?\u201d\n\nMy first instinct is: \u201cThere\u2019s no way you\u2019re seeing that movie! That\u2019s <em>horrible<\/em> and inappropriate,\u201d\u2014and blah, blah. But you don\u2019t say \u201cNo\u201d; you live in the question and you say, \u201cWell, tell me about the movie.\u201d Then you say, \u201cTell me <em>your<\/em> thoughts about the movie. What do you think about seeing that?\u201d Now, you already know you\u2019re not going to let them go; [Laughter] but you don\u2019t let them know that.\n\nYou did that a lot, too; you asked questions like that: \u201cWell, what do you think?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; again, you\u2019re trying to get at the heart. In some ways, you\u2019re almost like, \u201cDid the first 12 years of all the discipline and training pay off? Are they thinking along the ways we\u2019ve tried to help them think?\u201d Sometimes, you\u2019ll think, \u201cNo, none of it worked; they\u2019re off the rails.\u201d [Laughter] And other times, you\u2019ll see that they are <em>processing<\/em> some of the things you taught them.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I remember we had a discussion at the dinner table about curfews: \u201cHey, you guys, what do you think about curfews as you\u2019re getting older? In high school, should you have a curfew?\u201d We already knew the answer; but we were bringing them in, like, \u201cHey, let\u2019s talk about it; because we really care about your opinions and thoughts of this.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; here\u2019s the thing\u2014talk about\u2014because when they hit the teenage years; and again, there\u2019s not a magic number: it could be 11; it could be 13\u2014but they start to do things, and to push back on you, and act in ways that sometimes <em>embarrass<\/em> you.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s <em>embarrassing<\/em>. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; so this one time, we have this ice skating party. Then we\u2019re going to go into our friend\u2019s house, and we\u2019re having a big potluck. Our oldest was 14. We\u2019re done ice skating; go in the house. There\u2019s all this great <em>food<\/em> laid out. Someone\u2019s getting ready to pray, so the room is perfectly silent. Suddenly, you hear someone say, \u201cThis food looks like trash!\u201d out loud. I look over and discover: \u201cThat was our son!\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014our oldest.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Our oldest son just said that! The kids are kind of snickering, and the parents are like [gasping sound]. I give my son the evil eye, like, \u201cAre you kidding me?\u201d I was so embarrassed and humiliated.\n\nWhat did <em>you<\/em> think of that moment? I think you\u2019re the one that <em>prayed. <\/em>\n\n<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I was praying; it was <em>so<\/em> embarrassing. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You\u2019re the pastor!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I mean, part of me is like, \u201cI just hope that\u2019s anybody else\u2019s kid but mine\u201d; [Laughter] and it\u2019s <em>mine<\/em>\u2014actually, it\u2019s yours\u2014that was <em>your<\/em> comment though. I mean, it\u2019s just, again, so much of parenting is you care about what others think of you as a parent.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> <em>Yes<\/em>, especially as teens.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; so when CJ did that, it was like, \u201cOh, no.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Then the evening goes on. We\u2019re getting ready to leave; I say to CJ, \u201cHey, Cody didn\u2019t bring his shoes; he only brought his ice skates. Can you put him on your back and carry him out to the car?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Cody\u2019s what?\u2014nine?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014not even.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014eight\/seven.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; the room, again, for some reason, is quiet. CJ, really loudly, says, \u201cI have to do everything in this family!\u201d [Laughter] Everybody, again, looks at us; I\u2019m so humiliated. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Not only are we like\u2014I\u2019m the pastor of the church; we also teach and speak about marriage\u2014[Laughter]\u2014we\u2019re sort of known, like: \u201cThey\u2019re the Wilson family; they\u2019ve got it together.\u201d And there it is: \u201cThey don\u2019t have it together.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You guys, I just want you to know: I was so mad. CJ begins walking out the door\u2014Cody\u2019s on his back\u2014and Austin\u2019s running to the car. Then CJ bends over\u2014and by the way, as we\u2019re walking, I am right on his heels\u2014I\u2019m saying to him, right in his ear, [speaking intensely] \u201cThat was <em>so <\/em>embarrassing, and <em>so<\/em> disrespectful, and <em>so<\/em> rude.\u201d I\u2019m\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cYou\u2019re in so much trouble.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cWait; you\u2019re in so much trouble.\u201d And why?\u2014because I was embarrassed, because I looked bad.\n\nThen he\u2019s kind of bending over; he\u2019s off balance, putting Cody into the car. There was this big snow bank right beside the car. I don\u2019t know what happened to me; but in that split second, I just kind of nudged my shoulder under his shoulder. I just nudged him, and he falls into this snow bank. I jump in the car, and I lock all the doors. [Laughter]\n\nNow, he\u2019s pounding on all of the windows, like, \u201cMom, let me in!\u201d Then what happens? Pastor Dave comes to the car.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I come walking out. That\u2019s what I see\u2014CJ\u2019s pounding on the back window and you\u2019re in there\u2014like you\u2019re not unlocking the door. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> No, I\u2019m not.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You\u2019re not going to let him in. [Laughter] He\u2019s like, \u201cAm I going to go home with you?\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cWhat is happening?!\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Dave unlocks the door, and he lets CJ in. Then I\u2019m mortified of my own actions, like, \u201cWhat am I?\u2014the 13-year-old here?\u201d Then I start to cry. I say to Dave, \u201cI just want you to know I will <em>never<\/em> talk about marriage or parenting ever in my life again, because I have no idea what I\u2019m doing.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I remember you really did say that\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I did!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014like, \u201cI\u2019m never teaching on this. I\u2019m never getting up on stage with you.\u201d\n\nAnd now, we wrote a book on marriage and on parenting. [Laughter] Again, not that we\u2019re experts\u2014the title of the book ought to tell you something\u2014<em>No Perfect Parents<\/em>. We are <em>not<\/em>; and you aren\u2019t; and your kids aren\u2019t.\n\nI think even the title, especially in the teenaged years, alerts you to the fact that the expectation of trying to be perfect is a ridiculous expectation\u2014you can\u2019t; you won\u2019t\u2014you\u2019re going to make mistake, after mistake, after mistake.\n\nBut the teen years are <em>crucial<\/em> years.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So we want to take a few minutes to talk about it.\n\nOne of the passages of Scripture that really guided us is Psalm 127, where the Word of God says, \u201cUnless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Children are a heritage\u201d\u2014some translations say, \u201ca gift\u201d\u2014\u201cfrom the Lord, the offspring, a reward from Him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior [are] children born in one\u2019s youth [Psalm 127:1, 3-4].\u201d\n\nIf we\u2019re going to let the Lord build our house, how do we navigate the teen years? One of the things that I think really guided us\u2014I thought it was one of the best books on teenaged years\u2014was Shaunti Feldhahn\u2019s book, <em>For Parent\u2019s Only<\/em>, where she interviews, I think, a thousand teenagers and asked them questions. Then she says, \u201cParents, here\u2019s what I heard\u2026\u201d\n\nOne of the things that that book reminded us of, that I think every parent of teenagers needs to realize, is they\u2019re sort of addicted to something as a teenager. You think, \u201cOh, what are they addicted to? Are they addicted to popularity?\u201d or \u201c\u2026\u201d No, no, no; she says they\u2019re addicted\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cor social media?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; right\u2014she says, \u201cThey\u2019re addicted to freedom.\u201d She means they are on a pursuit to enjoy the freedom they now have as a young adult. In other words, they\u2019re going to pull away; they are pulling away from you as a parent.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>It\u2019s normal.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>It\u2019s not a bad thing; it\u2019s actually a natural thing, because they\u2019re becoming an adult. So you hear things, where you feel like, \u201cThey don\u2019t want me around anymore.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And they can act like they really don\u2019t even like you\u2014like they say things that hurt your feelings, and the tone of their voice makes you feel like they could care less about you\u2014it\u2019s really easy to get your feelings hurt <em>and<\/em> to pull away.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> The truth is: this is normal\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014and natural. At the same time, we, as parents, know that the season of our parenting is closing; so we are sort of grasping to make every moment count. And they\u2019re sort of walking away, so we can get fearful.\n\nThere\u2019s two reactions parents can have. One is we overbear them.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We become super controlling.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, we hoover; and we pull them closer.\n\nThe other is we just give up; it\u2019s like, \u201cOh, they\u2019re walking away. I\u2019m just\/they don\u2019t want me in their life anymore.\u201d\n\nBoth [reactions] are bad!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> If there\u2019s ever a season that highlights our imperfections, it\u2019s this one. They\u2019re pushing <em>against<\/em> the things that you have been pouring into them. I see parents\u2014and I felt this myself\u2014I get insecure. I remember saying to you, \u201cI\u2019m not even sure our kids even like me right now.\u201d Then I would whisper, too, like later, \u201cI\u2019m not sure I really like my kids right now, and that feels <em>wrong<\/em>.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think one of the reasons we feel that way is\u2014and Shaunti mentions this in the book\u2014is they start, as a teenager, to question the values that we\u2019ve instilled in them.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s a natural thing, but we don\u2019t want it or expect it. She [Shaunti] uses the analogy of a castle. It\u2019s like we, as parents, when they\u2019re little, have been building this castle, block by block: \u201cThis is what the Wilson family is about:\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cThese are our morals\u2026\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cWe believe in God,\u201d \u201cWe believe in the Word of God, the Bible,\u201d \u201cWe believe in integrity,\u201d \u201cWe believe in hard work,\u201d\u2014all these that we believe\u2014\u201cSex is reserved for marriage,\u201d \u201cWe believe cursing is\u2026\u201d\n\nYou build all these blocks. When they\u2019re little, they accept most of them, if not all of them. They are just like: \u201cYes, that\u2019s what I believe too,\u201d and \u201cI agree with that,\u201d and \u201cI\u2019m a Wilson.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> They seem almost proud of it.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; then they hit the teen years. They start questioning and, maybe, even challenging some of these <em>core values<\/em> of their parents. It\u2019s almost like they\u2019ll pick up each block, and look at it, and think, \u201cHuh.\u201d Some of them will go, \u201cI don\u2019t agree with that.\u201d And they\u2019ll take this core foundational value of your family\u2014maybe even of the Word of God\u2014and they\u2019ll discard it; or they may go, \u201cYes, I do agree; and that\u2019s going to be a part of my life.\u201d\n\nBut that\u2019s where we, as parents, I think, of teenagers sort of freak out. It\u2019s like, \u201cWe don\u2019t want them to question that\u201d; we\u2019re sort of shocked. But guess what?\u2014that\u2019s a natural thing.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I remember this, Dave, too. I remember going to one of our son\u2019s one time, and I said to him\u2014this is living in the question again\u2014I said, \u201cIt feels like everything I\u2019m doing is bugging you\u2014your attitude toward me\u2014it feels like you don\u2019t like me. Can I just ask you, \u2018Am I bugging you?\u2019 and \u2018Are there some things that I could do that would help restore our relationship?\u2019\u201d\n\nHe goes, \u201cWell, you really are bugging me; because every single night, you\u2019re telling me: \u2018Why aren\u2019t you in bed?\u2019 \u2018Why don\u2019t you have your homework done?\u2019 \u2018Why are you still up?\u2019\u201d\n\nI said, \u201cSo what do you want me to do?\u201d He goes, \u201cI think I am old enough to make that decision of when I go to bed; and if I get my homework done, that should be on me.\u201d\n\nI remember thinking, \u201cThat seems like a little thing. That\u2019s really that big of a deal.\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cAlright; you\u2019re right. I\u2019m not going to do that anymore.\u201d I said, \u201cIs there anything else?\u201d\n\nHe goes, \u201cYes, I think this rule that we have of not letting girls at our house when you guys are out of town or gone, I think that\u2019s really dumb.\u201d You know, they\u2019re questioning the block\u2014looking at it\/thinking\u2014\u201cThat\u2019s a dumb block.\u201d I said, \u201cOh, okay; that\u2019s not going to change.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cThat\u2019s one that\u2019s going to stay there.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cBut here\u2019s why: because we hope to protect you. You know our views of this.\u201d\n\nI think it\u2019s great to have those discussions.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; and I think it\u2019s really important for us, as parents, to understand these teenage years are so crucial for them to build their <em>own<\/em> faith, not our faith. At some point, it\u2019s got to become <em>theirs<\/em>, not mom and dad\u2019s.\n\nThat means they\u2019re going to question. They may make some mistakes, but they have to go on their own journey. It\u2019s really easy for a parent to try and dictate all that. Of course, we do dictate a lot of that; but at some point, this freedom that they\u2019re starting to feel and the questions they\u2019re starting to ask, we need to encourage and be there to answer.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nI can remember our oldest, CJ, who has a very analytical engineer mind, thinking\/questioning things from the Bible\u2014even as a young boy\u2014but then as a teenager. I remember having\u2014living in the question\u2014\u201cOkay, tell me why you think that,\u201d and this kind of thing. What does CJ write in our book, <em>No Perfect Parents<\/em>? One of his comments was simply, \u201cIf my parents wouldn\u2019t have allowed me to question, I\u2019d probably be an atheist today.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We were like, \u201cWhat?!\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; but that was that\u2014he\u2019s picking up this block\/this value that we\u2019ve taught him, since he was a preschooler\u2014and now, he\u2019s saying, \u201cWhat do I believe?\u201d; and it became his faith.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What would you say to the parent listening right now, that maybe has teenagers or is going to have teenagers in the next few years? What\u2019s the key? Is there a key?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, it\u2019s what we heard from Josh McDowell, years ago: \u201cRules without relationship equal rebellion.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What\u2019s that mean?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That was pivotal for our parenting teens. It means that, if you\u2019re going to just keep laying down all the rules, and you\u2019re going to be super controlling, and you don\u2019t have a relationship where your kids know you love them\u2014you\u2019re talking to them; you know their hearts; they know your heart; that relationship is really solid\u2014if you don\u2019t have that, and you\u2019re just trying to lay down the rules, they\u2019re just going to rebel; because our kids are longing for a relationship with us.\n\nYou might be thinking, \u201cNo, they don\u2019t; they\u2019re pushing me away.\u201d But yes, they do.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s the truth. They are\u2014it seems like they\u2019re pushing you away\u2014but deep down, they <em>long<\/em> for a relationship with mom and dad.\n\nSo what\u2019s a parent to do?\u2014pursue, pursue, pursue. It\u2019s the same thing my wife wants me to do in our marriage;\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014it\u2019s like: \u201cYou pursued me before we got married; why would you stop now? Keep pursuing me. Keep romancing me. Keep coming after me in our marriage.\u201d\n\nIt\u2019s no different with our kids. Our kids are pulling away\u2014and they may say, \u201cNo, Dad; I don\u2019t want to spend time with you,\u201d or \u201cMom, I\u2019ve got other things to do,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s definitely true, but figure out a way to keep cultivating that relationship with your teenager.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I would really encourage dad\u2019s with their daughters: \u201cYour daughters need you. I know that it can be awkward when they become teenagers. It can feel like\/it feels a little different and weird; they feel like women now. Dads, can I just say, your daughter still has this little girl\u2019s heart that needs you to pursue her\/that needs you to tell her she\u2019s beautiful. Take her out to dinner. Go do something fun with her.\u201d\n\nI\u2019m just going to say, as a woman with my dad, I needed that from him, especially in the teenage years when I was vulnerable with guys in a relationship, in sexuality\u2014all of that\u2014I needed my dad to say: \u201cI love you,\u201d \u201cI think you\u2019re beautiful,\u201d \u201cYou have everything you need.\u201d Pursue your girls.\n\nAnd same, moms, pursue your sons: hang out with them. Sometimes, they act like they don\u2019t want to be with you. I remember saying to our one son, \u201cOkay, I can tell we\u2019re really bugging each other right now. Can we just go do something fun\/grab something to eat?\u201d When I would just ask him some questions\u2014like: \u201cHow are you doing?\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s going on?\u201d\u2014I could see, like, \u201cOh, there you are. Yes, I love who you are.\u201d Then I would tell him, \u201cMan, I love who you are; I love who you\u2019re becoming.\u201d They might not say anything positive back to you, but it\u2019s okay. They will later; they\u2019ll come back.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; and I would say, as we close this, there\u2019s so much more we put in that chapter\/actually, couple of chapters, in that book that we couldn\u2019t hit. When we talk about this at our parenting retreats, we talk about the top five things <em>we can do<\/em> to parent our teenagers.\n<ul>\n \t<li>Number one was: \u201cHang\u201d or \u201cDate.\u201d We say, \u201cLove is spelled T-I-M-E, so figure out a way to hang with your boys or date your daughters and spend time.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n \t<li>Number two is: \u201cStay up late.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, and I know some of you are morning people, and this sounds horrible to have to stay up; but one of the things we found with teens is a couple of things draw them in: you\u2019re up, and they will talk; the other thing with staying up is have food readily available, because wherever there is food, they congregate.\n\nI can remember our kids being at retreats or conferences; I would just have the table full of food when they came in the door. They would sit at the table, and we would just talk. Sometimes, that would go in\u2014honestly, remember?\u2014we\u2019d be up until one a.m.\/two a.m.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I wanted to go to bed so bad. [Laughter] At the same time, I\u2019m like, \u201cThey\u2019re going to be gone in a year or two, and this is valuable.\n<ul>\n \t<li>\u201cHang or Date,\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n \t<li>\u201cStay up,\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n \t<li>\u201cServe\u201d is\u2014I tell you what\u2014one of the best things we did was we went on mission trips with our kids. We served other people and showed them what\u2019s going on in the world different than\u2014it just\/it changed them.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And even in our community, we did\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014locally; yes.\n\nThe fourth one, and this a big one:\n<ul>\n \t<li>\u201cDo dinner.\u201d I know our lives are crazy\u2014they\u2019ve got schedules; they\u2019ve got things they\u2019re involved in\u2014figure out a way to sit down, as a family, and do dinner together.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\nHere\u2019s the last one. I\u2019m just doing this fast because of the time:\n<ul>\n \t<li>\u201cHit your knees.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Pray like crazy.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think to do it, if you\u2019re married, do it as a couple, honestly. If your spouse is falling asleep, just put your hand on their shoulder and pray for your kids constantly.\n\nIf you\u2019re a single parent, continue to pray. I would encourage you to get other people praying with you so that you can be praying for all of your kids.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I would say this: \u201cI\u2019m going to pray for your kids right now because I know how hard these years are\u2014they\u2019re awesome; they\u2019re wonderful\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014they\u2019re scary.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014they\u2019re scary.\n\nFather, I pray for the parents of teenagers right now\u2014pray that You would give them grace, peace\u2014pray for peace, the peace that passes all understanding that only comes from Your heart.\n\nI pray for their kids, that they would know You in a living relationship with Your Son, Jesus. I pray for protection over them, and I pray You\u2019d make them to become amazing men and women of God as they grow into adults.\n\nThank You, in Jesus name.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Amen.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Amen.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think a lot of moms and dads can resonate with the fear Ann Wilson has talked about: raising kids through the teen years as they begin to express their independence\/their desire for autonomy and as they\u2019re being bombarded with both peer pressure and cultural pressure to move away from what the Christian faith teaches about life and truth. These are challenging years for us, as parents.\n\nDave and Ann Wilson\u2019s book, <em>No Perfect Parents<\/em>,is really helping a lot of moms and dads be able to take a deep breath and go, \u201cOkay, we can do this. We\u2019re going to make mistakes, but God has grace for our mistakes. If we stay focused on the right thing, God is going to bless our parenting efforts.\u201d We\u2019ve got copies of the Wilson\u2019s book in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can request your copy online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call to order; 1-800-FL-TODAY is the number. Again, the title of the book is <em>No Perfect Parents<\/em> from Dave and Ann Wilson. Order online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call 1-800-358-6329; 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d Again, request your copy of the book, <em>No Perfect Parents<\/em>,by Dave and Ann Wilson.\n\nWe\u2019re also making available this week a new book by our friend, Janel Breitenstein, who was with us earlier this week, talking about how we mark and shape our children permanently for life as we raise them\/how we can point them in the right direction spiritually. We\u2019re making Janel\u2019s new book, <em>Permanent Markers<\/em>, available as a thank-you gift for those of you who can help extend the reach and the mission of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>\/help us reach more people, more often, with practical biblical help and hope.\n\nEvery day hundreds of thousands of people are coming to us\u2014online, through this radio program\/this podcast, the resources we have available\u2014they\u2019re looking for help and hope, and you make that possible for them when you support this ministry. Thanks, in advance, for prayerfully considering a financial gift to <em>FamilyLife<\/em> Today. When you do, request your copy of Janel Breitenstein\u2019s new book, <em>Permanent Markers<\/em>. We\u2019re happy to send it to you and are grateful for your support of this ministry.\n\nWe hope you can join us, again, tomorrow when we\u2019re going to tackle a provocative question; it\u2019s this: \u201cWhy does God care who I sleep with?\u201d Sam Allberry addresses that question with us tomorrow. Hope you can be here for that.\n\nOn behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry.\n\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. 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