{"id":307241,"date":"2021-09-27T07:00:07","date_gmt":"2021-09-27T11:00:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/my-husbands-holy-spirit\/"},"modified":"2021-09-27T07:00:07","modified_gmt":"2021-09-27T11:00:07","slug":"my-husbands-holy-spirit","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/my-husbands-holy-spirit\/","title":{"rendered":"My Husband&#8217;s Holy Spirit"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Wives, do your &#8220;helpful&#8221; suggestions sometimes come across as criticism to your husband? Psychologist and author, Juli Slattery, shares what a helper looks like in light of who God is.<br \/>\nShow Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tVisit Matt&#8217;s website at https:\/\/faithfulman.com\/<br \/>\n \tListen to Juli&#8217;s podcast at https:\/\/www.authenticintimacy.com\/podcast<br \/>\n \tFind resources from this podcast at https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130.<br \/>\n \tDownload FamilyLife&#8217;s new app! https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/<br \/>\n \tCheck out all that&#8217;s available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.\u00a0 https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Wives, do your &#8220;helpful&#8221; suggestions sometimes come across as criticism to your husband? Psychologist and author, Juli Slattery, shares what a helper looks like in light of who God is.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-09-27.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:26:59","filesize":"24.7M","filesize_raw":"25901256","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2082,2831],"tags":[2877,4022],"podcast_series":[8477],"cwp_profile":[3388],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-307241","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-wives","tag-marriage","tag-wives","podcast_series-finding-the-hero-in-your-husband","cwp_profile-juli-slattery","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/307241\/my-husbands-holy-spirit","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/307241\/my-husbands-holy-spirit","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"OYGeU6hwAO\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/my-husbands-holy-spirit\/\">My Husband&#8217;s Holy Spirit<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/my-husbands-holy-spirit\/embed\/#?secret=OYGeU6hwAO\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;My Husband&#8217;s Holy Spirit&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"OYGeU6hwAO\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Wives, do your \"helpful\" suggestions sometimes come across as criticism to your husband? Psychologist and author, Juli Slattery, shares what a helper looks like in light of who God is.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-09-27.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Ann:<\/strong> How would you describe our first year of marriage?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Tragic. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh my goodness! That\u2019s terrible!\u2014tragic?!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I mean, as you know, it was the hardest year\u2014well, year ten was pretty hard too\u2014[Laughter]\u2014but year one was pretty <em>tough<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\nI was so disappointed because, when you come into marriage, you have these expectations. I thought: \u201cHe\u2019s going to be my prince, who comes and saves me and fills me\u201d;\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014and I was.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014but you weren\u2019t! [Laughter] I was disillusioned, because I had unrealistic expectations.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We really want to talk today about what we should <em>do<\/em> when we find ourselves disappointed, or let down in our marriages\u2014or specifically\u2014with our husbands.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019m really excited; this is going to be a <em>good<\/em> day for men.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Do you think so?!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, I mean, I look at the topic, and I\u2019m like, \u201c\u2019Finding the Hero in Your Husband\u2019; yes, lets talk about that.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We have Dr. Juli Slattery with us today. Juli, welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Juli: <\/strong>Thanks for having me. It\u2019s so good to be with you.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You are a favorite among our listeners and we\/<em>I<\/em> love you. I feel like our hearts are on the same page. When you speak, or you write, I\u2019m like, \u201cYes! Yes!\u201d But I also like that you\u2019re really authentic, and you haven\u2019t done it perfectly either.\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> No, not at all. I just feel like I just keep passing on what I\u2019ve learned from my mistakes. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think that\u2019s what is encouraging is: \u201cIt\u2019s never too late,\u201d and \u201cWe can still do it.\u201d\n\nJuli is a clinical psychologist. She\u2019s an author,\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Are you going to analyze us today?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014she\u2019s a speaker.\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> Oh, that\u2019s already done. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You\u2019ve already done it?\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> Yes, yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Please keep your comments to yourself.\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> I will. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So later, maybe, we can pay her for the counseling she\u2019ll be doing with us today.\n\n<strong>Juli: <\/strong>No. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; we\u2019ll see.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> But you\u2019re also the president and co-founder of Authentic Intimacy. Describe\/what is that?\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> Our mission is reclaiming God\u2019s design for sexuality. Over the last ten years, I\u2019ve pretty much spent my life digging into the Scriptures and learning about what intimacy\/sexuality is meant to be from a biblical perspective and applying it, particularly to women\u2019s lives. It\u2019s been a deep dive: I\u2019ve learned a ton; I\u2019ve grown a lot. As you both know, sexuality represents such a pain point for most people in our world today. I\u2019m never bored; I can tell you that. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I remember when we were doing the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> cruise\u2014because you\u2019ve spoken on that several times\u2014and we were just talking\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And by the way, we could probably put a plug in right now. You\u2019re speaking <em>again<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> I am! Yes; that\u2019s something I could never say, \u201cNo,\u201d to.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, yes.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; in February, we\u2019re back on the boat. You can sign up right now\u2014 FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014you need to join us, because it is a fabulous cruise. It really, really is.\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> Yes; can I just say I don\u2019t like cruising in general, but this cruise is <em>amazing<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>You sell it, Juli; go!\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> I\u2019m serious\u2014like the first time Mike and I went on it\u2014it was like: \u201cWe are with Christian married couples, who love Jesus, and want to learn to love each other more,\u201d\u2014just the worship and all the sessions. We tell people about it all the time.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Lets get to it!\u2014\u201cFinding the Hero in Your Husband\u201d\u2014lets go there.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, let\u2019s talk about that Juli; because you wrote this book how many years ago?\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> I wrote the first version of it 20 years ago\/well, more than 20 years ago. When I started writing it, I\u2019d only been married for about three or four years,\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Wow!\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> \u2014which is crazy to think of now. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; but then you decided to revise it?\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> Yes; it kept sowing, and women were saying that it was a blessing to them. But as I read through it, I\u2019m like: \u201cMan, there\u2019s just so much that I\u2019ve learned,\u201d and \u201cCulture\u2019s changed so much,\u201d and \u201cThere are things that I would just write differently, even on the same concepts.\u201d\n\nI went to rewrite parts of it and thought, \u201cWell, I\u2019ll just do a pretty deep revision,\u201d It\u2019s almost like\u2014I\u2019ve never done this\u2014but if you\u2019re remodeling a house, you get to the point, where you\u2019re like: \u201cLet\u2019s just start over. Like I can\u2019t keep the living room one way and the dining room the same way it\u2019s been.\u201d I just ended up starting from scratch and just saying, \u201cAlright; let\u2019s rewrite this whole concept again for today\u2019s Christian wife, given the culture we live in.\u201d And I think more, speaking [as] that older woman now, whose lived some life, rather than, \u2018Hey, man, I\u2019m trying to figure this out too.\u2019\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> It was really a fun challenge to redo it.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And it\u2019s still a great title, <em>Finding the Hero<\/em>\u2014\n\n<strong>Juli: <\/strong>I didn\u2019t want to change the title.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; I wouldn\u2019t either, because it\u2019s good.\n\nYou talk to women all the time; I talk to women all the time. They\u2019re disappointed in their marriage; they\u2019re disappointed in their husbands. Tell me what you think about that, and have you found that same thing?\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> Yes; I would say\u2014and you guys will have to tell me if this is true in your marriage\u2014but most of the times, if you ask a husband and wife to rate their marriage from 1 to 10, the woman is going to give it a much lower rating than the husband is. Part of it is we <em>feel<\/em> the pain\/we feel the lack of connection, in general, <em>way<\/em> before our husbands do.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Why is that?! Because that was Dave and I. I said our marriage was a <em>.5<\/em> and he thought\u2014what did you think it was?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I literally said: \u201cIt was a 9.9, and my wife will probably agree.\u201d I literally thought that.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That made me mad; because I thought, \u201cHow can he be so <em>clueless<\/em> how bad we\u2019re doing?\u201d\n\nWhy is that?\u2014I mean, I think women could get angry about that.\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> It\u2019s hard to have these conversations without people feeling like we\u2019re over-generalizing; because of course, there are some situations, where the opposite is true. But I would say, in general, women are much more sensitive to emotional connection in intimacy in marriage and so they\u2019re going to <em>feel<\/em> those misses a lot quicker than their husband is.\n\nHe\u2019s more, in general, like: \u201cOkay, kissed my wife today; check,\u201d [Laughter] \u201cI still love her; check,\u201d \u201cThings are good; we\u2019re okay.\u201d It\u2019s almost like guys, relationally, will see things more black and white; and women see all the different colors.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> What\u2019s a woman\u2019s check list?\u2014\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> A woman\u2019s check list: \u201cOh, my goodness.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014like: \u201cHe didn\u2019t do this\u2026\u201d Like the man\u2019s thinking, \u201cI did this\u2026\u201d; but I feel like women\/<em>we<\/em> go to the negative: \u201cOh, he <em>didn\u2019t<\/em> do this\u2026\u201d \u201cHe <em>didn\u2019t<\/em> do that\u2026\u201d\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> That is <em>so<\/em> true.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And it changes <em>every day<\/em>. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> You know what? It\u2019s because guys like a pursuit; and so God\u2019s like,\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Is that why?\u2014okay. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> \u2014yes; \u201cYou think you got her once, but you have to pursue her for the rest of your life.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That is true.\n\nI don\u2019t know if you\u2019ve ever heard <em>our<\/em> story\u2014and we won\u2019t get into it; our listeners have heard it a lot; we put it in our book, <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em>\u2014but there was a speaking engagement that Ann did to mothers of preschoolers. She just brought me along. Long story short, she doesn\u2019t know what I\u2019m going to say; I don\u2019t know what I\u2019m going to say. She\u2019s like: \u201cGive a guy\u2019s perspective.\u201d\n\nI literally end up saying: \u201cI feel like, everywhere in my life, I get cheered. I come home; I get booed.\u201d\n\n<strong>Juli: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Of course, Ann looked at me at that moment\u2014because I\u2019d <em>never<\/em> said that to her\u2014she\u2019s like, \u201cWhat in the world was that?!\u201d As we were driving home, that was\u2014and again, it wasn\u2019t literally, \u201cBoo!\u201d\u2014but it was like: \u201cYes, I do feel like I do things in my job and different places, and people are affirming it and saying, \u2018You\u2019re good at this.\u2019\u201d I said, \u201cI feel like I come home; and you\u2019re saying, \u2018You\u2019re not good at this\u2019; and I feel like it\u2019s a \u201cBoo.\u201d She was like, \u201cI\u2019m helping you; I\u2019m not booing you. I\u2019m helping you.\u201d\n\nI think a lot of guys resonate with that feeling [of feeling booed]\u2014whatever way you want to say it\u2014and that\u2019s where you\u2019re talking about: \u201cFinding the Hero.\u201d Because they [wife] are helping us\u2014because she literally <em>was<\/em> seeing things that she could speak life into\u2014well, it felt like death.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> No, I wasn\u2019t speaking life; I was speaking <em>criticism<\/em> into your life.\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> Yes; well, first of all, I think what you\u2019re saying is so common\u2014that men don\u2019t feel, in general, like marriage is a safe place or home is a safe place, emotionally\u2014they may never use those words; but it\u2019s like: \u201cI can never do anything right,\u201d or \u201cI just always seem to be missing the mark.\u201d\n\nIt\u2019s interesting that you used that word\u2014\u201cShe\u2019s helping me,\u201d\u2014because men have these two competing needs that God has designed women to meet, and they are competing in some ways. He\u2019s got this one need to feel like his wife believes in him. It\u2019s so core\u2014and you can validate this or not\u2014but a man\u2019s core struggle is: \u201cAm I competent?\u201d \u201cAm I a <em>good<\/em> enough guy?\u201d It\u2019s not: \u201cDoes she love me?\u201d but \u201cDoes she <em>believe<\/em> in me?\u201d So her words of affirmation and encouragement are that constant: \u201cI believe in you. Even though I don\u2019t feel like I believe in you today, I\u2019m <em>choosing<\/em> to say, \u2018I trust you.\u2019\u201d That\u2019s the one need.\n\nAnd then you\u2019ve got the other need, where the Scripture talks about companionship\u2014that we\u2019re, in some ways, here to help balance out your deficiencies; and you\u2019re here to balance ours out\u2014but you need that teammate who is helping.\n\nBut every woman is going to have a tendency to overplay one of those needs to the detriment of the other. Most of us will want to be the helper more than we want to be the encourager.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Did you struggle with that, Juli?\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> Oh, my goodness; yes, yes. That\u2019s why I wrote this book so early on in my marriage. I was trying to figure it out; because I met my husband\u2014was attracted to him; he was so much fun\u2014and I was like the serious go-getter driven person.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You guys are us\/totally us. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> Yes; really?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, when you said that, I\u2019m like, \u201cYes.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Dave is super laid back; he\u2019s super fun.\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> Yes! I felt like: \u201cHe has no performance demands for me.\u201d I kind of grew up feeling that pressure to always be the best and achieve. I could <em>relax<\/em> around him, and I <em>loved<\/em> that. But when we got married, it was from <em>my<\/em> perspective, as a young wife, I was bringing all this strength into the marriage: I\u2019d been a Christian since I could remember; he was a relatively new believer. It was like I had all of this knowledge and vision for where we should go; but then there was this sense to which I\u2019m like: \u201cI can overrun this guy, because he\u2019s not stepping up the way I think he should step up.\u201d\n\nIt created this huge quandary in me of: \u201cWhat does it look like to be a godly wife when I feel like I know more, I\u2019m stronger, I\u2019m more goal-oriented than my husband is?\u201d That\u2019s really the wrestling in my own life, as well as I was counseling a lot of other women, that were having these similar questions. The first version of this book really came out of that question.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> In some ways, when I hear you say that Juli, I\u2019m like, \u201c<em>That<\/em> was our first year.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s why I didn\u2019t know what word I was going to say until you asked, \u201cWhat do I remember?\u201d \u201cTragic,\u201d was I felt like I wasn\u2019t very good as a husband. I honestly felt, going into the marriage, \u201cI\u2019m amazing! [Laughter] I\u2019m going to be a great husband. I\u2019m going to lead my wife. She\u2019s going to love how I lead her.\u201d And then, three, four, five months in, I mean, she\u2019s saying, \u201cThe biggest mistake of my life was marrying you.\u201d\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> Wow.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> She literally said that, and it was because I disappointed her. I don\u2019t think I was the <em>hero<\/em> she thought I was going to be. And in some ways you can tell us what you would say: \u201cMen, when they feel that, often retreat.\u201d\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I sort of just pulled <em>back<\/em>; it was like: I\u2019m not very good at this.\u201d Instead of like: \u201cI\u2019m going to rise up and become\u2026\u201d\u2014I should have done that\u2014but instead, I just sort of stepped away, almost like, \u201cOkay; I\u2019m not very good at this. You don\u2019t like how I\u2019m leading\u201d; so I led\/I did <em>less<\/em>. Of course, that made her chase me around the house and say, \u201cWhat are you doing?!\u201d\u2014right?\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; I had expectations of what a leader\u2014and we always hear: \u201cOh, the man should be the spiritual leader,\u201d\u2014and every woman has a different idea of what that should be.\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So mine was Dennis Rainey. [Laughter] I\u2019m thinking \u201cWhy aren\u2019t you leading like Dennis Rainey says he leads?\u201d I don\u2019t even know if Dennis led like that in the home\u2014probably [he did]\u2014but I had these expectations. Is that <em>common<\/em> for women?\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> Yes; I think, particularly within the church, when you hear the guy\u2019s role is spiritual leader, we have a picture of what that looks like. I had a picture of what that looked like; I expected my husband to initiate us praying together, and doing devotions together; and he just\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>You guys really are the same [as us]. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> And I was <em>so<\/em> disappointed. I didn\u2019t want to take over and be like: \u201cOkay; well, you sit down. I\u2019m going to do devotions for us.\u201d I kept trying to figure out: \u201cHow do I get him to lead?\u201d I became very manipulative and would find sly ways of trying to force him into becoming who I wanted him to become. It\u2019s been a long journey of learning how much of that was rooted in my own pride.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; me too.\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> Ouch; right?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Having this idea of like: \u201c<em>I\u2019m<\/em> doing it so well. Now, why can\u2019t <em>you<\/em> get on board?\u201d Like that\u2019s <em>total<\/em> pride and arrogance.\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I had this idea that Dave should <em>meet<\/em> my needs. I think, when you grow up in a culture of this Disney culture,\u2014\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> \u2014Christian Disney culture\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes!\u2014thinking that our husbands\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Wait; wait. What\u2019s the Christian Disney culture?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Go ahead.\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> Well, Prince Charming looks more like Dennis Rainey\u2014or today, we\u2019ve got to find a younger version\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes, yes.\n\n<strong>Juli: <\/strong>\u2014but it\u2019s this idyllic view of somebody you only see the outside; you only see the good stuff; you see: \u201cTake charge, sensitive, compassionate leadership.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And you know what I would say to her? I\u2019d say, \u201cHoney, there are a lot of people in our church that think Dave Wilson is <em>that<\/em>;\u201d\u2014\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> Exactly!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cbut you don\u2019t!\u201d Of course, a lot of it is because\u2014\n\n<strong>Juli: <\/strong>That\u2019s because she lives with you.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; I was going to say, \u201cThey\u2019re not that close.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> When you get close to <em>anybody<\/em>\u2014from a distance, we all look great\u2014you get closer\/you\u2019re like, \u201cWow.\u201d\n\nBut here\u2019s the question: so I\u2019m the husband over here\/sitting here, going, \u201cOkay; what did you do? How did you find the hero?\u201d\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, let me read this quote that I had underlined and marked it. You say this, Juli: \u201cA woman never marries the man of her dreams.\u201d Did you hear that? \u201cA woman never marries the man of her dreams. She helps the man she marries to become the man of his dreams.\u201d That\u2019s so good! Like: \u201cThat\u2019s something.\u201d Let\u2019s sit on that for a minute: \u201cWhat does that mean?\u201d\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> That\u2019s one of those sentences from the first book that made it back into this one.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Did it?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It should have; that\u2019s really, really <em>good<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> I feel like we need a true north like that. I, over the last 26 years, needed a true north of: \u201cAlright, Lord, what do I do with all the strength that You\u2019ve given me?\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Juli: <\/strong>What we typically do is\u2014our disappointment turns <em>against<\/em> us\u2014in that we\u2019re angry; we\u2019re trying to fix him; we\u2019re trying to be his personal Holy Spirit. We let him know, often, through our verbal and non-verbal communication, that we\u2019re disappointed; instead of saying, \u201cGod, You gave me all this influence and power with my husband so that I could help him take the steps that You\u2019re putting in front of him, not the steps <em>I\u2019m<\/em> putting in front of him.\u201d\n\nI think it\u2019s so critical to understand that, as women, we put our husbands in this sort of diabolic bind. We say: \u201cI want you to lead,\u201d\u2014but\u2014\u201cI want you to lead the way I <em>tell<\/em> you to lead,\u201d\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> \u2014which is not leadership at all. Even in our efforts of being frustrated in our disappointment, we\u2019re <em>trying<\/em> to make him into the man <em>we<\/em> think he should be.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014like a puppet.\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> Yes!\u2014which is not the strong leader we wanted in the first place.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right, and maybe who God didn\u2019t design him to be.\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> Right; so like\/for example, I shared about how I expected my husband to lead spiritually. He just has <em>never<\/em> been that: \u201cWe\u2019re going to do this on this day, and that on that day\u201d; but I had to start recognizing: \u201cHow is my husband already leading me spiritually in ways that I don\u2019t even see or appreciate?\u201d\n\nFor example, as I mentioned, I\u2019m this driven type-A person. He would always encourage me to rest. On Sundays, he\u2019d be like: \u201cWhat are you doing? Why are you studying? Why are you doing homework?\u201d I was getting my doctorate degree. \u201cIt\u2019s Sunday; let\u2019s go play,\u201d \u201cLet\u2019s worship,\u201d \u201cPut your work away; let\u2019s take a <em>nap<\/em>.\u201d\n\nI\u2019m like, \u201c<em>That\u2019s<\/em> not leadership.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014a nap!\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> But God helped me see that Mike is God\u2019s provision for my needs: and that that was spiritual leadership.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>That\u2019s good.\n\n<strong>Julie: <\/strong>And there\u2019s so many other ways like that that I didn\u2019t recognize that, in his personality and his strengths, he <em>was<\/em> leading. But because I didn\u2019t see it the way I thought it should be, I was trying to make him into the person I <em>thought<\/em> he should be, not who God had crafted him and was leading him to become.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019ve done that same thing of asking: \u201cGod, show me the greatness in Dave.\u201d I\u2019ve encouraged women\u2014and I like that idea, Juli, of even writing down and praying, \u201cLord, what are the great things? How is my husband <em>already<\/em> leading?\u201d\u2014in maybe a way I hadn\u2019t seen before\u2014but now that I really look closely, he\u2019s been <em>leading<\/em>.\n\nDave <em>lives<\/em> <em>out<\/em> his faith. I mean, I think our sons would say: \u201cEverything Dad preaches, he lives it.\u201d That\u2019s <em>incredible<\/em>; talk about leadership by example. And then he\u2019s fasting and praying every Friday\u2014he\u2019s in the Word; he\u2019s fasting and praying\u2014talk about leading.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Man, you\u2019re making me sound pretty good.\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> What a hero!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> He is a hero! [Laughter] But I <em>never<\/em> was looking at that, because I was looking at the <em>flaws<\/em> in what I <em>expected<\/em> him to be in my own mind.\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> Yes; we should also mention I\u2019ve been married for 26 years. You\u2019ve been married for how long?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201441.\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> Okay; congratulations!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Thanks.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> But I\u2019m guessing he wasn\u2019t doing those things when you first got married. Maybe some of them he was doing\u2014the praying and fasting\u2014I don\u2019t know.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> No, no.\n\n<strong>Juli:<\/strong> But when you first get married, you just see a little nugget of what God has put in your husband\u2014and the growth, and the passion that God\u2019s given him\u2014but it\u2019s taken you over 40 years, as a couple, to cultivate this together. It\u2019s taken me and my husband years to cultivate.\n\nI think one of the challenges is that young wives look at these older, more mature men or marriages, including maybe even their father, and say, \u201cWhy isn\u2019t he more like that?\u201d But men start out, just like we do, with not knowing how to do this right\u2014lots of insecurities\/lots of fears\u2014and if we don\u2019t nurture that ground well, then they\u2019re really driven more by fear than the vision of what God\u2019s calling them to.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I would just say\u2014I know for me, and I know it\u2019s true for a lot of husbands\u2014when Ann started seeing the hero in me\u2014again, we didn\u2019t have that term; she never said that\u2014the power of that perspective changing, I <em>felt<\/em> it; I <em>saw<\/em> it. She <em>spoke<\/em> differently; she started speaking life rather than criticism\u2014again, there wasn\u2019t that there weren\u2019t hard truths that need to be said at times\u2014it changed me as a man. I started becoming the man she was saying I was, that I didn\u2019t even believe I was; but she started sort of speaking, \u201cI see you as a hero. I see the hero in you.\u201d\n\nIt wasn\u2019t year one; it was more like year twenty or fifteen\u2014it was quite a ways in\u2014but for the last thirty-some years, I mean, I <em>run<\/em> home. I can\u2019t <em>wait<\/em> to get home, because this woman thinks I\u2019m a <em>hero<\/em>.\n\nI would say to the wives listening: \u201cYou have a power.\u201d Juli said it\u2014it\u2019s in your book very powerfully\u2014I don\u2019t think women understand the power. I\u2019m just a guy, looking back, going, \u201cI understand your power; because I\u2019ve <em>felt<\/em> it on the negative side, and I felt it on the positive side. It literally can change a man to become the man you want him to be, but you\u2019ve got to use that power very carefully; because you can destroy him, or you can help build him into the man God\u2019s created him to be.\u201d\n\nPart of me is like: \u201cThe assignment for the wives today is\u201d\u2014do what you just said, Juli\u2014\u201cwrite down the things that you see good.\u201d I know you\u2019d have a long, long list of the negative\u2014don\u2019t write those down\u2014you\u2019ve already said that enough. \u201cStart writing\/say, \u2018God, what is great in my husband? Where is the hero?\u2019 Write it down.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And then text him; tell him.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; speak it out.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Somehow, communicate that to him in a positive way that says, \u201cI believe in you.\u201d\n\nYou said something Juli, too, when you said, \u201cHome is not a safe place for our husbands.\u201d That hit me, like, \u201cWhoa! I want our homes to be a safe place for our men.\u201d I think we, as women, have an opportunity to really create a haven in our home and to speak life.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I remember my friend, Robyn McKelvey, saying that she realized, early in her marriage, that when she took off her wedding dress, she needed to put on her cheerleader uniform, that every wife needs to cheer on her husband to call out the hero in her husband.\n\nThat\u2019s what Juli Slattery has been talking about today with Dave and Ann Wilson. In fact, Juli\u2019s written a book on this subject; it\u2019s called <em>Finding the Hero in Your Husband<\/em>. It\u2019s been revised and updated, and we\u2019ve got copies of the book in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can go online at FamilyLifeToday.com to find out more about how to get a copy of the book; or call us at 1-800-FL-TODAY.\n\nLet me remind you: Juli is going to be one of the speakers on board the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> marriage cruise in 2022. We still have some staterooms available for the cruise; it is starting to fill up as people are excited about being able to get back together and to cruise together again. Information about the cruise is available on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com. You can sign up by calling 1-800-FL-TODAY; 1-800-358-6329; 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\nWe\u2019ve got a special offer going right now for <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners that is good through next Monday. If you want to take advantage of a special opportunity to save some money on the 2022 cruise, get in touch with us this week. Hear from speakers like Juli Slattery, and Alex and Stephen Kendrick, Dave and Ann Wilson, Ron Deal, others who are going to be joining us, along with a great lineup of artists and musicians.\n\nThe cruise is a <em>great<\/em> getaway opportunity for couples. You can sign up today\u2014go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information, or call us to register at 1-800-FL-TODAY\u2014and then join us in February on the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> marriage cruise.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nNow, tomorrow, Dave and Ann Wilson will continue their conversation with Dr. Juli Slattery and talk about how critical it is for a wife to understand rightly what it means for her to respect her husband, and how important that is for <em>him<\/em> to feel respect and know that she respects him. That comes up tomorrow. I hope you can be with us for that.\n\nOn behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry.\n\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. 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