{"id":307219,"date":"2021-09-01T07:00:05","date_gmt":"2021-09-01T11:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/bitterness-or-boundaries\/"},"modified":"2021-09-01T07:00:05","modified_gmt":"2021-09-01T11:00:05","slug":"bitterness-or-boundaries","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/bitterness-or-boundaries\/","title":{"rendered":"Bitterness or Boundaries"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Unhealed hurt can often lead to bitterness. Lysa TerKeurst charts a path towards forgiveness by setting healthy boundaries, so that even when we are hurt, we don&#8217;t have to live that way!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-09-01.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:31:22","filesize":"28.72M","filesize_raw":"30115959","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2908,2903,2873,2827],"tags":[2699,4213,2877],"podcast_series":[8470],"cwp_profile":[9732],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-307219","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-forgiveness","category-infidelity","category-mental-and-emotional-issues","category-repentance","tag-forgiveness","tag-love","tag-marriage","podcast_series-forgiving-what-you-cant-forget","cwp_profile-lysa-terkeurst","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/307219\/bitterness-or-boundaries","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/307219\/bitterness-or-boundaries","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"rEPrFB5CEG\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/bitterness-or-boundaries\/\">Bitterness or Boundaries<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/bitterness-or-boundaries\/embed\/#?secret=rEPrFB5CEG\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Bitterness or Boundaries&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"rEPrFB5CEG\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-09-01.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-09-01.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Hey, real quick, the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> is half price right now.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s a great deal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You can go for half the price\u2014FamilyLifeToday.com; sign up right now\u2014it\u2019ll change your life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI once read about a wife and a mom who, when her husband left her with another woman\u2014this had been going on for a while, and it was finally the end\u2014there\u2019s going to be a divorce. Her husband calls her\u2014I guess it was a phone call\u2014and literally says, \u201cHey, sell the house; we\u2019ll split the profit.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis woman decides, \u201cOkay; we\u2019re going to split the profit?\u201d She doesn\u2019t tell him this\u2014she puts her $500,000 house up for $67,000 and sells it, and split that money with her husband,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014just to spite him?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014just to get him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Who was that woman?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That was my mom.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re going to talk today about forgiveness. We\u2019ve been already talking with Lysa TerKeurst. Lysa, welcome back to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> Thank you so much. Wow; what a powerful story!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; I did my dad\u2019s funeral years later, and guess who wasn\u2019t there? Mom never showed up; she was <em>still<\/em> bitter for decades. That was a part of the atmosphere in my home; and in a sense, there is that in our soul: \u201cI\u2019m going to pay them back, and it\u2019s going to feel good.\u201d We go to movies; and we stand up and cheer when Danzel takes out the villain; you\u2019re like, \u201cYes!\u201d It feels good. Yet in life, when you carry that around, it doesn\u2019t feel good. There\u2019s something God\u2019s called us to\u2014to be free\u2014it\u2019s called forgiveness. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, Lysa, you\u2019re here because you wrote <em>Forgiving What You Can\u2019t Forget<\/em>. We\u2019ve talked this week about your journey. I mean, what a great title; because there are things you <em>can\u2019t<\/em> forget; and you think, \u201cI can\u2019t forgive if I can\u2019t forget.\u201d We\u2019ve already talked much about that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWelcome back; we\u2019re so glad to have you here. You\u2019re a <em>New York Times<\/em> best-selling author, but we haven\u2019t even mentioned you\u2019re a wife and a mom\u2014five kids?\u2014is that right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> How many grandkids?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> We have three grandkids, so it\u2019s a very full life; and I\u2019m super thankful.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to circle back about something you said, with your mom, that she didn\u2019t show up to the funeral because she was bitter. Sometimes, I think it is possible to see a blessing inside of bitterness. Now, this is going to feel very upside-down\u2014and I\u2019m not saying this to justify bitterness; I\u2019m not saying it to defend your mom\u2014I never even met her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> What I would say is: she didn\u2019t show up to that funeral, because she was so deeply hurt. She had unhealed hurt there that, over time, turned into bitterness, which turned her into something that she was never meant to be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think sometimes when we say the word, \u201cbitter,\u201d everybody is like\/we recoil; and we think, \u201cOh, a bitter person is a cold-hearted person that never dealt with their issues, and they have such limited potential in their relationships.\u201d Actually, the opposite is pretty true. Bitterness doesn\u2019t often visit the cold-hearted person, who has limited potential in relationships. Bitterness often visits that person, who loved deeply; therefore, they got hurt really deeply. Because they didn\u2019t know how to draw boundaries, they started putting up walls; that\u2019s the dangerous part about bitterness.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe blessing of bitterness is it actually shows that that person has <em>great<\/em> potential for loving relationships, but the burden of bitterness is that bitterness never sits still. It doesn\u2019t just want to be <em>a<\/em> feeling, it wants to become your <em>only<\/em> feeling. It leaks out like acid onto everything that you touch. If we don\u2019t tend to our bitterness, our bitterness will turn us into someone we never wanted to be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s interesting\u2014I thought this chapter on boundaries\u2014I just was underlining everything. One of the things you say is that the people you think need to change the most will wind up changing the <em>least<\/em> when your efforts are greater than their own efforts. What\u2019s that mean?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> If you\u2019ve ever done life with someone with an addiction\u2014I\u2019m going to kind of laser in on this, even though there are so many more examples\u2014you can want that person to change all day long; but if you want it more than they want it, then you\u2019re going to work harder on them than they\u2019re willing to work on them. When you get into that kind of cycle, you are not only doing them actually a disservice, but you are probably causing some <em>extreme<\/em> hardship in your own life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat was one of my issues. I was working harder on other people than they were willing to work themselves, and I was becoming emotionally <em>exhausted<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019m just going to say, we women do this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> We do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We see problems with our kids or our husbands, and we take it on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Hey, you keep acting like we men don\u2019t ever do this!\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I don\u2019t know, but I\u2019m just\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014like we don\u2019t have a compassionate heart in us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I talk to more women than men. We\u2019re so relational that I think we feel so invested, like: \u201cI\u2019m going to help you,\u201d \u201cI want to help you,\u201d\u2014so we carry this like\u2014\u201cAnd I am going to be there; we\u2019re going to fix you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> Sometimes, we see a problem\u2014and I agree\u2014it can be men too. It\u2019s that nurturing that comes out of us, you know\u2014or for men, I think it would be problem-solving\u2014\u201cI\u2019m going to fix it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right; yes. I was going to say: \u201cWe\u2019re going to fix it.\u201d I mean, you have a great quote that you\u2019re sort of talking [about] here; I think it\u2019s something like this: \u201cIf I\u2019m trying to get a person off the train tracks, and I want them off more than they want to get off, we\u2019re both going to get hit by the train.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> Yes; that\u2019s right. If we\u2019re seeing other people\u2019s problems\u2014especially people who are close to us\u2014when we see their problem as our personal assignment, then we have stepped into the role of being savior. Only Jesus is qualified to be the Savior.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019re right; I tell a story in the book about this thought I had one day. I wrote this whole thing out, because someone I love very much was struggling. It\u2019s a younger person, and I kept wanting to tell them, \u201cI\u2019m not trying to be controlling or manipulative. I\u2019m just trying to save your life; okay?\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019ve said that so many times!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> I have this picture of: \u201cEvery time you make a crazy decision\/every time you make a decision that I can see is detrimental, or harmful, or not in keeping with what\u2019s best for you, it\u2019s like you\u2019re climbing up on a train track. You\u2019re just la-la-la-la-la, sitting on the train track. I can see the train coming, and I am <em>dumbfounded<\/em> why you can\u2019t see the train coming!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You\u2019re screaming at them, \u201cDo you see the train coming?!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> Yes! So I will run up on the track and <em>pull<\/em> them off. But then they climb back on the track; and meanwhile, the train is coming ever closer. So I run back up on the track and pull them off, and run back up on the track and pull them off. But at some point, the train has <em>arrived<\/em>; and if I climb up on that track and pull them off, we\u2019re <em>both<\/em> going to get run over by the train.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is <em>never<\/em> going to be a problem to solve; it\u2019s going to be a tension to manage; because every circumstance is so unique and filled with nuances that only you know. The main point is <em>acknowledging<\/em> you cannot work harder on someone else than they\u2019re willing to work on themselves, because it <em>doesn\u2019t<\/em> work.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere are a couple things about boundaries that you have to determine ahead of time. You want to make sure your boundary is <em>not<\/em> a threat; you want to make sure that it is <em>not<\/em> a control tactic or a manipulation tactic. What you want to establish is: \u201cThis boundary is not meant to shove the other person away; this boundary is meant to hold me together so that I can continue to live in honoring biblical realities about my character and about my personality, and just how God wants me to live.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to be kind; but if I\u2019m working so hard on another person, and they\u2019re exhausting me, my kindness is going to start to wane. Over time, it will turn me into somebody that I don\u2019t even want to be in this relationship. A boundary has to be well thought-through in advance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Do you do that with people: community, church?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> You can if there\u2019s a safe other person. Sometimes, I\u2019ll work through it with my counselor or a really trusted, wise friend. Once I establish: \u201cOkay, there\u2019s a need for a boundary here,\u201d\u2014and I think through what the boundary is\u2014then I think through: \u201cHow am I going to communicate this?\u201d And I also have to think through: \u201cWhat are the consequences if they violate the boundary?\u201d\u2014because a boundary, without a consequence, is just a suggestion.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> What are examples of boundaries?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> Okay, let\u2019s say that you and I are friends; and we love to drive to Bible study together. I am more serious about the schedule; and your concern is more, maybe, hospitality once you show up. To you, your priority is that you want to make muffins before Bible study; my priority is to get there on time, which really means ten minutes early. I want to get there: I want to get my place; I want to get all set up; I want to get something to drink; I want to sit in my place; and I just want to have a moment before we even get started. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut because of your love for hospitality, and your priority is making muffins, and the muffins are always making you run late every week\u2014yes, you have delicious homemade muffins\u2014but I come to pick you up because you want to ride together; and you\u2019re like, \u201cOkay, it\u2019ll just take me 15 more minutes.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014and you\u2019re going crazy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> \u2014going crazy! So by the time we get to Bible study each week, you\u2019re flitting in on a cloud-bubble of joy, serving everybody muffins. I am <em>seething<\/em> with frustration; and I\u2019m like, \u201cI don\u2019t even want a muffin, because these muffins made me have to sit over here\u2026\u201d The whole thing is just driving me nuts; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOver time\u2014this seems like a silly example\u2014but over time, if I\u2019m not drawing a boundary with you, I\u2019ll start labeling you: \u201cShe\u2019s disrespectful. She doesn\u2019t care about the relationship. She cares more about impressing everybody with her muffins than she does about my heart. I\u2019ve told her every time, \u2018I\u2019m picking you up at this time\u2019; and every time, she violates that.\u201d You can see how my expectation becomes a premeditated resentment against you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the number one reasons that relationships fall apart is simmering resentments. It\u2019s often not the conversations we have that make relationships fall apart; it\u2019s the conversations we <em>don\u2019t<\/em> have.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s the conversations in our head.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> So a boundary would look like me coming to you and saying: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI love you, and I love riding to Bible study with you; and I appreciate the fact that you want to bring homemade muffins. Now, here\u2019s my hardship: on time to me means getting there ten\/fifteen minutes early; on time to you is getting there whenever it happens to occur to you to get there; right? That doesn\u2019t make you bad and that doesn\u2019t make me good\u2014and it doesn\u2019t make you wrong and me right\u2014it means we have different priorities. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo honor the priorities that I have, if you cannot agree to the time and actually be in the car at the time, then we need to stop riding to Bible study together. It\u2019s not an indication that I love you less; it\u2019s an indication that I need this so that I can keep from having simmering resentments in our relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You\u2019re saving the relationship, ultimately.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> Yes; so much of it is communicating\u2014instead of expectations\u2014it\u2019s needs and desires. One time, my counselor helped me understand, \u201cLysa, you have all these expectations, but it\u2019s setting you up for premeditated resentments.\u201d Instead of saying, \u201cI <em>expect<\/em> you to be on time,\u201d\u2014do you hear the edge to that?\u2014[you say,] \u201cI need to be on time, because this is a priority for me,\u201d\u2014totally different conversation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cThis is my thing.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> It is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; what\u2019s that look like in a marriage?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> Well, I think, in a marriage, the complicating factor is sometimes you wait too long to have these conversations. Over time, in the depth of an intimate relationship\u2014even though you don\u2019t physically see a relationship contract\u2014the relationship contract is there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat happens is\u2014if you change the contract of: \u201cHey, we\u2019ll just show up whenever we show up,\u201d or \u201cHey, now I\u2019m going to expect you to be on time,\u201d\u2014the minute you start changing the contract is the minute that there\u2019s going to be resistance, because that\u2019s not the way we\u2019ve done it. The longer you wait to have these communication opportunities about: \u201cHey, we need to communicate about this, because I have a different need and desire than what\u2019s happening right now,\u201d\u2014the key is really communicating <em>early<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf it <em>has<\/em> gone too long, and there\u2019s too much resentment buildup, you probably need to get a third party in there to help untangle some of those realities. Then, put the needs and desires of both parties on the table and see where the commonality can be cultivated.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> For a follower of Christ, boundaries have been a very difficult thing to enforce; because we think: \u201cI\u2019m supposed to be a grace-giver; I\u2019m supposed to forgive. Just keep walking all over me,\u201d \u201c\u2026keep breaking, in a sense, the vows we\u2019ve made in our marriage; and that\u2019s okay, because I\u2019m going to forgive you,\u201d rather than, as you said earlier: \u201cIt\u2019s not to push you out of my life; it\u2019s actually to protect\u201d; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> Yes; think about it: Jesus was a perfect match of grace and truth, and Jesus had boundaries. He didn\u2019t give intimate access to the whole world. He gave 12 that kind of access; and even amongst the 12, He had boundaries, where sometimes He only took 3; and then there were other times He would just be 1 on 1.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAlso, when we look at Jesus\u2019 life, He got up early in the morning; and He went to a place of solitude so that He could spend time with the Father. He had boundaries. I mean, He made it a priority to spend time in prayer. He wasn\u2019t allowing complete access to everyone all the time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think it\u2019s important to look\u2014if Jesus was perfect grace and truth, and He was\u2014and even He established what was necessary for Him, it\u2019s okay. He demonstrated that it\u2019s okay to have needs; it\u2019s okay to have a personal desire, especially when it\u2019s a reflection of a priority that\u2019s really important.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes\u2014when we\u2019re beating ourselves up, and we\u2019re saying, \u201cI want to be a person of grace; therefore, I don\u2019t have boundaries,\u201d\u2014you\u2019re actually contradicting yourself. So many times, a boundary is the most grace-filled thing you can do; because a boundary isn\u2019t set up to destroy the relationship; a boundary is set up to <em>protect<\/em> the relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Hopefully, God intervenes because of that boundary you set up in [regard to] that other person. It could be a turning point in their life, to say, \u201cThe train is coming! How could I not see this? I didn\u2019t see it until So-and-so put up a boundary and said, \u2018You\u2019re not going to be able to walk into my life that way anymore.\u2019\u201d It\u2019s like\u2014right?\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014God often uses that to make Himself known.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> Yes, He does. If we look at the Lord\u2019s Prayer, so much of the way Jesus taught us to pray\u2014think of all the topics!\u2014this is the ultimate prayer. He made almost half the prayer around forgiveness, and confession, and forgiveness. So many of the words of the prayer are centered around keeping our hearts swept clean; and therefore, it just makes sense that, if you are working through forgiving someone, then you\u2019re obviously needing to communicate how to change that relationship. Forgiveness is not going to instantly fix the relationship; but over time, well-communicated boundaries will; because they establish where the parameters of freedom are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think we have to shift our mindset. Instead of saying: \u201cBoundaries shut people out,\u201d\u2014no! A boundary actually welcomes them in and gives them a free space to run in the relationship. Everybody\u2019s communicating, and it\u2019s actually one of the most wise and beautifully bonding things that can happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> As we close up our time together, I\u2019m still struck by the fact that you spent probably over a thousand hours studying in Scripture about forgiveness. The way I visualize it is you\u2019ve had a choice\u2014where you\u2019ve been shattered, betrayed, crushed, I would say, in spirit\u2014not only spirit, but physically you\u2019ve gone through a lot with cancer, with different illnesses, surgeries\u2014you\u2019re crushed, and you\u2019re broken. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s when a lot of us\/we can feel like, \u201cGod, You\u2019ve left me too. You haven\u2019t answered my prayers. I\u2019m living a life that I never wanted to live.\u201d I think a lot of people can <em>run<\/em> from Jesus. But as you said, you\u2019ve spent these hours with Him; you\u2019re praying in the middle of the night. How would you encourage people to go there?\u2014to run <em>after<\/em> Him instead of running away from Him? What would you say to those listeners?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> Well, first of all, I would say you\u2019re not alone. Please hear me: \u201cI don\u2019t do this perfectly.\u201d Just because I\u2019ve written a book called <em>Forgiving What You Can\u2019t Forget<\/em> doesn\u2019t make me a forgiveness expert; it makes me a forgiveness sojourner. I\u2019m on this journey with you, so I understand. I still have some of those middle-of-the-night things. This isn\u2019t a fix-all Band-Aid<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> that suddenly makes everything okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRemember, when we cling to the promises of God, a lot of times, we only want the promises that feel good to <em>us<\/em>. We also have to remember Jesus said\u2014it was almost like a promise\u2014\u201cIn this world you will have trouble, but take heart; I have overcome the world.\u201d Because of that, it\u2019s almost like: \u201cPay attention to what Jesus was saying here. He promised\/He said, \u2018In this world you\u2019re going to have trouble.\u2019 Instead of letting it catch us so off guard, remember that He also provided for us\u2014even in the midst of the trouble, even in the midst of the hardship\u2014He provided us a pathway to peace and good.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou won\u2019t always feel it; and you will get angry, and hurt, and frustrated, and mad. But here\u2019s the secret: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJust because you\u2019ve been hurt doesn\u2019t mean you have to <em>live<\/em> hurt. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJust because somebody has made you angry doesn\u2019t mean you have to <em>live<\/em> angry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJust because you <em>feel<\/em> disillusioned doesn\u2019t mean you have to <em>live<\/em> disillusioned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMaybe the pain placed on us was <em>not<\/em> our choice\u2014and oftentimes, it\u2019s\u2014but it <em>is<\/em> our choice where we go from here. It can truly make us more compassionate, or it can make us more hard-hearted\u2014<em>that<\/em> part is <em>our choice<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Lysa, thank you. These programs, and your book, your life, your honesty, your vulnerability has given people\u2014given us\u2014a road map with Jesus to healing, and to be a healer, and to be a forgiver. Forgiven people forgive people, and we can\u2019t do it without Him. So thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> You\u2019re welcome.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Are you living hurt? Are you living angry? Are you living with disillusionment? As Lysa TerKeurst just said, that\u2019s a choice <em>we<\/em> make. Even if we\u2019ve been hurt, even if someone has provoked anger in us, the decision of how we\u2019re going to live is a decision that rests with us. We may need prayer; we may need help; we may need coaching or guidance to know how to get there; but God, through His Word and by His Spirit, can bring us to that place, where we\u2019re living with freedom and with joy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLysa talks about this in the book she\u2019s written called <em>Forgiving What You Can\u2019t Forget: Discover How to Move One, Make Peace with Painful Memories, and Create a Life That\u2019s Beautiful<\/em>. It\u2019s a book that we\u2019re making available this week to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners. You can order it from us online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to get a copy. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com; the number to call is 1-800-FL-TODAY; 1-800-358-6329 to get a copy of Lysa TerKeurst\u2019s book, <em>Forgiving What You Can\u2019t Forget.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you find yourself needing help with knowing how to forgive, and how to bring healing into your life and into your marriage, let me encourage you to carve out a weekend this fall and join us at one of our upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways. This two-and-a-half day getaway for couples has been attended by <em>millions<\/em> of people over the years, who have told us it gave them the help they were looking for and the hope they needed for their marriage. Most of the couples who come would say they\u2019re in a good spot in their marriage; they\u2019re coming to do some marriage maintenance. But there are couples who are coming, who are stuck and are looking for biblical help to know how to move forward in their marriage relationship; and they find it at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWherever you are in your marriage\/whatever your circumstances are\u2014I know what kind of a year-and-a half\/two years it\u2019s been for many of us\u2014a getaway right about now sounds really good. Again, we have 30 events happening this fall in cities all across the country. If you sign up today for an upcoming getaway, you and your spouse will save 50 percent off the regular registration fee, so there is no better time than right now for you to register for an upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway. You can do that online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY and register over the phone. We hope you will join us this fall at one of our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, Dave Wilson is going to share with us how we can make sense of some of the confusing and sometimes controversial things we find when we read Ephesians, Chapter 5, that passage on marriage that talks about things like submission and laying down your life for your wife. Dave Wilson unpacks all of that tomorrow. I hope you can tune in for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOn behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:31:22"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["28.72M"],"filesize_raw":["30115959"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-307219.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-307219.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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hurt can often lead to bitterness. Lysa TerKeurst charts a path towards forgiveness by setting healthy boundaries, so that even when we are hurt, we don't have to live that way!","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-09-01.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Hey, real quick, the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> is half price right now.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s a great deal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You can go for half the price\u2014FamilyLifeToday.com; sign up right now\u2014it\u2019ll change your life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI once read about a wife and a mom who, when her husband left her with another woman\u2014this had been going on for a while, and it was finally the end\u2014there\u2019s going to be a divorce. Her husband calls her\u2014I guess it was a phone call\u2014and literally says, \u201cHey, sell the house; we\u2019ll split the profit.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis woman decides, \u201cOkay; we\u2019re going to split the profit?\u201d She doesn\u2019t tell him this\u2014she puts her $500,000 house up for $67,000 and sells it, and split that money with her husband,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014just to spite him?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014just to get him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Who was that woman?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That was my mom.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re going to talk today about forgiveness. We\u2019ve been already talking with Lysa TerKeurst. Lysa, welcome back to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> Thank you so much. Wow; what a powerful story!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; I did my dad\u2019s funeral years later, and guess who wasn\u2019t there? Mom never showed up; she was <em>still<\/em> bitter for decades. That was a part of the atmosphere in my home; and in a sense, there is that in our soul: \u201cI\u2019m going to pay them back, and it\u2019s going to feel good.\u201d We go to movies; and we stand up and cheer when Danzel takes out the villain; you\u2019re like, \u201cYes!\u201d It feels good. Yet in life, when you carry that around, it doesn\u2019t feel good. There\u2019s something God\u2019s called us to\u2014to be free\u2014it\u2019s called forgiveness. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, Lysa, you\u2019re here because you wrote <em>Forgiving What You Can\u2019t Forget<\/em>. We\u2019ve talked this week about your journey. I mean, what a great title; because there are things you <em>can\u2019t<\/em> forget; and you think, \u201cI can\u2019t forgive if I can\u2019t forget.\u201d We\u2019ve already talked much about that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWelcome back; we\u2019re so glad to have you here. You\u2019re a <em>New York Times<\/em> best-selling author, but we haven\u2019t even mentioned you\u2019re a wife and a mom\u2014five kids?\u2014is that right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> How many grandkids?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> We have three grandkids, so it\u2019s a very full life; and I\u2019m super thankful.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to circle back about something you said, with your mom, that she didn\u2019t show up to the funeral because she was bitter. Sometimes, I think it is possible to see a blessing inside of bitterness. Now, this is going to feel very upside-down\u2014and I\u2019m not saying this to justify bitterness; I\u2019m not saying it to defend your mom\u2014I never even met her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> What I would say is: she didn\u2019t show up to that funeral, because she was so deeply hurt. She had unhealed hurt there that, over time, turned into bitterness, which turned her into something that she was never meant to be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think sometimes when we say the word, \u201cbitter,\u201d everybody is like\/we recoil; and we think, \u201cOh, a bitter person is a cold-hearted person that never dealt with their issues, and they have such limited potential in their relationships.\u201d Actually, the opposite is pretty true. Bitterness doesn\u2019t often visit the cold-hearted person, who has limited potential in relationships. Bitterness often visits that person, who loved deeply; therefore, they got hurt really deeply. Because they didn\u2019t know how to draw boundaries, they started putting up walls; that\u2019s the dangerous part about bitterness.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe blessing of bitterness is it actually shows that that person has <em>great<\/em> potential for loving relationships, but the burden of bitterness is that bitterness never sits still. It doesn\u2019t just want to be <em>a<\/em> feeling, it wants to become your <em>only<\/em> feeling. It leaks out like acid onto everything that you touch. If we don\u2019t tend to our bitterness, our bitterness will turn us into someone we never wanted to be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s interesting\u2014I thought this chapter on boundaries\u2014I just was underlining everything. One of the things you say is that the people you think need to change the most will wind up changing the <em>least<\/em> when your efforts are greater than their own efforts. What\u2019s that mean?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> If you\u2019ve ever done life with someone with an addiction\u2014I\u2019m going to kind of laser in on this, even though there are so many more examples\u2014you can want that person to change all day long; but if you want it more than they want it, then you\u2019re going to work harder on them than they\u2019re willing to work on them. When you get into that kind of cycle, you are not only doing them actually a disservice, but you are probably causing some <em>extreme<\/em> hardship in your own life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat was one of my issues. I was working harder on other people than they were willing to work themselves, and I was becoming emotionally <em>exhausted<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019m just going to say, we women do this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> We do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We see problems with our kids or our husbands, and we take it on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Hey, you keep acting like we men don\u2019t ever do this!\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I don\u2019t know, but I\u2019m just\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014like we don\u2019t have a compassionate heart in us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I talk to more women than men. We\u2019re so relational that I think we feel so invested, like: \u201cI\u2019m going to help you,\u201d \u201cI want to help you,\u201d\u2014so we carry this like\u2014\u201cAnd I am going to be there; we\u2019re going to fix you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> Sometimes, we see a problem\u2014and I agree\u2014it can be men too. It\u2019s that nurturing that comes out of us, you know\u2014or for men, I think it would be problem-solving\u2014\u201cI\u2019m going to fix it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right; yes. I was going to say: \u201cWe\u2019re going to fix it.\u201d I mean, you have a great quote that you\u2019re sort of talking [about] here; I think it\u2019s something like this: \u201cIf I\u2019m trying to get a person off the train tracks, and I want them off more than they want to get off, we\u2019re both going to get hit by the train.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> Yes; that\u2019s right. If we\u2019re seeing other people\u2019s problems\u2014especially people who are close to us\u2014when we see their problem as our personal assignment, then we have stepped into the role of being savior. Only Jesus is qualified to be the Savior.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019re right; I tell a story in the book about this thought I had one day. I wrote this whole thing out, because someone I love very much was struggling. It\u2019s a younger person, and I kept wanting to tell them, \u201cI\u2019m not trying to be controlling or manipulative. I\u2019m just trying to save your life; okay?\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019ve said that so many times!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> I have this picture of: \u201cEvery time you make a crazy decision\/every time you make a decision that I can see is detrimental, or harmful, or not in keeping with what\u2019s best for you, it\u2019s like you\u2019re climbing up on a train track. You\u2019re just la-la-la-la-la, sitting on the train track. I can see the train coming, and I am <em>dumbfounded<\/em> why you can\u2019t see the train coming!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You\u2019re screaming at them, \u201cDo you see the train coming?!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> Yes! So I will run up on the track and <em>pull<\/em> them off. But then they climb back on the track; and meanwhile, the train is coming ever closer. So I run back up on the track and pull them off, and run back up on the track and pull them off. But at some point, the train has <em>arrived<\/em>; and if I climb up on that track and pull them off, we\u2019re <em>both<\/em> going to get run over by the train.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is <em>never<\/em> going to be a problem to solve; it\u2019s going to be a tension to manage; because every circumstance is so unique and filled with nuances that only you know. The main point is <em>acknowledging<\/em> you cannot work harder on someone else than they\u2019re willing to work on themselves, because it <em>doesn\u2019t<\/em> work.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere are a couple things about boundaries that you have to determine ahead of time. You want to make sure your boundary is <em>not<\/em> a threat; you want to make sure that it is <em>not<\/em> a control tactic or a manipulation tactic. What you want to establish is: \u201cThis boundary is not meant to shove the other person away; this boundary is meant to hold me together so that I can continue to live in honoring biblical realities about my character and about my personality, and just how God wants me to live.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to be kind; but if I\u2019m working so hard on another person, and they\u2019re exhausting me, my kindness is going to start to wane. Over time, it will turn me into somebody that I don\u2019t even want to be in this relationship. A boundary has to be well thought-through in advance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Do you do that with people: community, church?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> You can if there\u2019s a safe other person. Sometimes, I\u2019ll work through it with my counselor or a really trusted, wise friend. Once I establish: \u201cOkay, there\u2019s a need for a boundary here,\u201d\u2014and I think through what the boundary is\u2014then I think through: \u201cHow am I going to communicate this?\u201d And I also have to think through: \u201cWhat are the consequences if they violate the boundary?\u201d\u2014because a boundary, without a consequence, is just a suggestion.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> What are examples of boundaries?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> Okay, let\u2019s say that you and I are friends; and we love to drive to Bible study together. I am more serious about the schedule; and your concern is more, maybe, hospitality once you show up. To you, your priority is that you want to make muffins before Bible study; my priority is to get there on time, which really means ten minutes early. I want to get there: I want to get my place; I want to get all set up; I want to get something to drink; I want to sit in my place; and I just want to have a moment before we even get started. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut because of your love for hospitality, and your priority is making muffins, and the muffins are always making you run late every week\u2014yes, you have delicious homemade muffins\u2014but I come to pick you up because you want to ride together; and you\u2019re like, \u201cOkay, it\u2019ll just take me 15 more minutes.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014and you\u2019re going crazy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> \u2014going crazy! So by the time we get to Bible study each week, you\u2019re flitting in on a cloud-bubble of joy, serving everybody muffins. I am <em>seething<\/em> with frustration; and I\u2019m like, \u201cI don\u2019t even want a muffin, because these muffins made me have to sit over here\u2026\u201d The whole thing is just driving me nuts; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOver time\u2014this seems like a silly example\u2014but over time, if I\u2019m not drawing a boundary with you, I\u2019ll start labeling you: \u201cShe\u2019s disrespectful. She doesn\u2019t care about the relationship. She cares more about impressing everybody with her muffins than she does about my heart. I\u2019ve told her every time, \u2018I\u2019m picking you up at this time\u2019; and every time, she violates that.\u201d You can see how my expectation becomes a premeditated resentment against you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the number one reasons that relationships fall apart is simmering resentments. It\u2019s often not the conversations we have that make relationships fall apart; it\u2019s the conversations we <em>don\u2019t<\/em> have.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s the conversations in our head.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> So a boundary would look like me coming to you and saying: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI love you, and I love riding to Bible study with you; and I appreciate the fact that you want to bring homemade muffins. Now, here\u2019s my hardship: on time to me means getting there ten\/fifteen minutes early; on time to you is getting there whenever it happens to occur to you to get there; right? That doesn\u2019t make you bad and that doesn\u2019t make me good\u2014and it doesn\u2019t make you wrong and me right\u2014it means we have different priorities. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo honor the priorities that I have, if you cannot agree to the time and actually be in the car at the time, then we need to stop riding to Bible study together. It\u2019s not an indication that I love you less; it\u2019s an indication that I need this so that I can keep from having simmering resentments in our relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You\u2019re saving the relationship, ultimately.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> Yes; so much of it is communicating\u2014instead of expectations\u2014it\u2019s needs and desires. One time, my counselor helped me understand, \u201cLysa, you have all these expectations, but it\u2019s setting you up for premeditated resentments.\u201d Instead of saying, \u201cI <em>expect<\/em> you to be on time,\u201d\u2014do you hear the edge to that?\u2014[you say,] \u201cI need to be on time, because this is a priority for me,\u201d\u2014totally different conversation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cThis is my thing.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> It is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; what\u2019s that look like in a marriage?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> Well, I think, in a marriage, the complicating factor is sometimes you wait too long to have these conversations. Over time, in the depth of an intimate relationship\u2014even though you don\u2019t physically see a relationship contract\u2014the relationship contract is there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat happens is\u2014if you change the contract of: \u201cHey, we\u2019ll just show up whenever we show up,\u201d or \u201cHey, now I\u2019m going to expect you to be on time,\u201d\u2014the minute you start changing the contract is the minute that there\u2019s going to be resistance, because that\u2019s not the way we\u2019ve done it. The longer you wait to have these communication opportunities about: \u201cHey, we need to communicate about this, because I have a different need and desire than what\u2019s happening right now,\u201d\u2014the key is really communicating <em>early<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf it <em>has<\/em> gone too long, and there\u2019s too much resentment buildup, you probably need to get a third party in there to help untangle some of those realities. Then, put the needs and desires of both parties on the table and see where the commonality can be cultivated.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> For a follower of Christ, boundaries have been a very difficult thing to enforce; because we think: \u201cI\u2019m supposed to be a grace-giver; I\u2019m supposed to forgive. Just keep walking all over me,\u201d \u201c\u2026keep breaking, in a sense, the vows we\u2019ve made in our marriage; and that\u2019s okay, because I\u2019m going to forgive you,\u201d rather than, as you said earlier: \u201cIt\u2019s not to push you out of my life; it\u2019s actually to protect\u201d; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> Yes; think about it: Jesus was a perfect match of grace and truth, and Jesus had boundaries. He didn\u2019t give intimate access to the whole world. He gave 12 that kind of access; and even amongst the 12, He had boundaries, where sometimes He only took 3; and then there were other times He would just be 1 on 1.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAlso, when we look at Jesus\u2019 life, He got up early in the morning; and He went to a place of solitude so that He could spend time with the Father. He had boundaries. I mean, He made it a priority to spend time in prayer. He wasn\u2019t allowing complete access to everyone all the time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think it\u2019s important to look\u2014if Jesus was perfect grace and truth, and He was\u2014and even He established what was necessary for Him, it\u2019s okay. He demonstrated that it\u2019s okay to have needs; it\u2019s okay to have a personal desire, especially when it\u2019s a reflection of a priority that\u2019s really important.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes\u2014when we\u2019re beating ourselves up, and we\u2019re saying, \u201cI want to be a person of grace; therefore, I don\u2019t have boundaries,\u201d\u2014you\u2019re actually contradicting yourself. So many times, a boundary is the most grace-filled thing you can do; because a boundary isn\u2019t set up to destroy the relationship; a boundary is set up to <em>protect<\/em> the relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Hopefully, God intervenes because of that boundary you set up in [regard to] that other person. It could be a turning point in their life, to say, \u201cThe train is coming! How could I not see this? I didn\u2019t see it until So-and-so put up a boundary and said, \u2018You\u2019re not going to be able to walk into my life that way anymore.\u2019\u201d It\u2019s like\u2014right?\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014God often uses that to make Himself known.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> Yes, He does. If we look at the Lord\u2019s Prayer, so much of the way Jesus taught us to pray\u2014think of all the topics!\u2014this is the ultimate prayer. He made almost half the prayer around forgiveness, and confession, and forgiveness. So many of the words of the prayer are centered around keeping our hearts swept clean; and therefore, it just makes sense that, if you are working through forgiving someone, then you\u2019re obviously needing to communicate how to change that relationship. Forgiveness is not going to instantly fix the relationship; but over time, well-communicated boundaries will; because they establish where the parameters of freedom are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think we have to shift our mindset. Instead of saying: \u201cBoundaries shut people out,\u201d\u2014no! A boundary actually welcomes them in and gives them a free space to run in the relationship. Everybody\u2019s communicating, and it\u2019s actually one of the most wise and beautifully bonding things that can happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> As we close up our time together, I\u2019m still struck by the fact that you spent probably over a thousand hours studying in Scripture about forgiveness. The way I visualize it is you\u2019ve had a choice\u2014where you\u2019ve been shattered, betrayed, crushed, I would say, in spirit\u2014not only spirit, but physically you\u2019ve gone through a lot with cancer, with different illnesses, surgeries\u2014you\u2019re crushed, and you\u2019re broken. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s when a lot of us\/we can feel like, \u201cGod, You\u2019ve left me too. You haven\u2019t answered my prayers. I\u2019m living a life that I never wanted to live.\u201d I think a lot of people can <em>run<\/em> from Jesus. But as you said, you\u2019ve spent these hours with Him; you\u2019re praying in the middle of the night. How would you encourage people to go there?\u2014to run <em>after<\/em> Him instead of running away from Him? What would you say to those listeners?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> Well, first of all, I would say you\u2019re not alone. Please hear me: \u201cI don\u2019t do this perfectly.\u201d Just because I\u2019ve written a book called <em>Forgiving What You Can\u2019t Forget<\/em> doesn\u2019t make me a forgiveness expert; it makes me a forgiveness sojourner. I\u2019m on this journey with you, so I understand. I still have some of those middle-of-the-night things. This isn\u2019t a fix-all Band-Aid<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> that suddenly makes everything okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRemember, when we cling to the promises of God, a lot of times, we only want the promises that feel good to <em>us<\/em>. We also have to remember Jesus said\u2014it was almost like a promise\u2014\u201cIn this world you will have trouble, but take heart; I have overcome the world.\u201d Because of that, it\u2019s almost like: \u201cPay attention to what Jesus was saying here. He promised\/He said, \u2018In this world you\u2019re going to have trouble.\u2019 Instead of letting it catch us so off guard, remember that He also provided for us\u2014even in the midst of the trouble, even in the midst of the hardship\u2014He provided us a pathway to peace and good.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou won\u2019t always feel it; and you will get angry, and hurt, and frustrated, and mad. But here\u2019s the secret: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJust because you\u2019ve been hurt doesn\u2019t mean you have to <em>live<\/em> hurt. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJust because somebody has made you angry doesn\u2019t mean you have to <em>live<\/em> angry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJust because you <em>feel<\/em> disillusioned doesn\u2019t mean you have to <em>live<\/em> disillusioned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMaybe the pain placed on us was <em>not<\/em> our choice\u2014and oftentimes, it\u2019s\u2014but it <em>is<\/em> our choice where we go from here. It can truly make us more compassionate, or it can make us more hard-hearted\u2014<em>that<\/em> part is <em>our choice<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Lysa, thank you. These programs, and your book, your life, your honesty, your vulnerability has given people\u2014given us\u2014a road map with Jesus to healing, and to be a healer, and to be a forgiver. Forgiven people forgive people, and we can\u2019t do it without Him. So thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lysa:<\/strong> You\u2019re welcome.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Are you living hurt? Are you living angry? Are you living with disillusionment? As Lysa TerKeurst just said, that\u2019s a choice <em>we<\/em> make. Even if we\u2019ve been hurt, even if someone has provoked anger in us, the decision of how we\u2019re going to live is a decision that rests with us. We may need prayer; we may need help; we may need coaching or guidance to know how to get there; but God, through His Word and by His Spirit, can bring us to that place, where we\u2019re living with freedom and with joy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLysa talks about this in the book she\u2019s written called <em>Forgiving What You Can\u2019t Forget: Discover How to Move One, Make Peace with Painful Memories, and Create a Life That\u2019s Beautiful<\/em>. It\u2019s a book that we\u2019re making available this week to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners. You can order it from us online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to get a copy. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com; the number to call is 1-800-FL-TODAY; 1-800-358-6329 to get a copy of Lysa TerKeurst\u2019s book, <em>Forgiving What You Can\u2019t Forget.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you find yourself needing help with knowing how to forgive, and how to bring healing into your life and into your marriage, let me encourage you to carve out a weekend this fall and join us at one of our upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways. This two-and-a-half day getaway for couples has been attended by <em>millions<\/em> of people over the years, who have told us it gave them the help they were looking for and the hope they needed for their marriage. Most of the couples who come would say they\u2019re in a good spot in their marriage; they\u2019re coming to do some marriage maintenance. But there are couples who are coming, who are stuck and are looking for biblical help to know how to move forward in their marriage relationship; and they find it at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWherever you are in your marriage\/whatever your circumstances are\u2014I know what kind of a year-and-a half\/two years it\u2019s been for many of us\u2014a getaway right about now sounds really good. Again, we have 30 events happening this fall in cities all across the country. If you sign up today for an upcoming getaway, you and your spouse will save 50 percent off the regular registration fee, so there is no better time than right now for you to register for an upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway. You can do that online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY and register over the phone. We hope you will join us this fall at one of our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, Dave Wilson is going to share with us how we can make sense of some of the confusing and sometimes controversial things we find when we read Ephesians, Chapter 5, that passage on marriage that talks about things like submission and laying down your life for your wife. Dave Wilson unpacks all of that tomorrow. I hope you can tune in for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOn behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. 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