{"id":306942,"date":"2021-07-12T07:00:04","date_gmt":"2021-07-12T11:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/taking-back-your-home-from-the-phone\/"},"modified":"2021-07-12T07:00:04","modified_gmt":"2021-07-12T11:00:04","slug":"taking-back-your-home-from-the-phone","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/taking-back-your-home-from-the-phone\/","title":{"rendered":"Taking Back Your Home From the Phone"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Because marketers spend millions of dollars everyday to entice us for views; real, regular life doesn&#8217;t always make the cut for our heart&#8217;s attention. Arlene Pellicane shares how this affects our families and what we can do about it.<br \/>\nShow Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tWatch Arlene&#8217;s documentary here: https:\/\/www.happyhomeuniversity.com\/film<br \/>\n \tFind resources from this podcast at https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130.<br \/>\n \tDownload FamilyLife&#8217;s new app! https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/<br \/>\n \tCheck out all that&#8217;s available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.\u00a0 https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Marketers spend millions of dollars everyday to entice us to our screens, so regular life doesn&#8217;t always make the cut for our heart&#8217;s attention. Arlene Pellicane shares how this affects our families.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-07-12.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:28:00","filesize":"25.64M","filesize_raw":"26885646","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2850,10350,2806],"tags":[4798,2209,4838,4237],"podcast_series":[8458],"cwp_profile":[3382],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306942","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-character-development","category-digital-and-media-choices","category-spiritual-development","tag-kids","tag-parenting","tag-screentime","tag-technology","podcast_series-kids-and-screens","cwp_profile-arlene-pellicane","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306942\/taking-back-your-home-from-the-phone","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306942\/taking-back-your-home-from-the-phone","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"TGvhwSQFc9\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/taking-back-your-home-from-the-phone\/\">Taking Back Your Home From the Phone<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/taking-back-your-home-from-the-phone\/embed\/#?secret=TGvhwSQFc9\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Taking Back Your Home From the Phone&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"TGvhwSQFc9\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Marketers spend millions of dollars everyday to entice us to our screens, so regular life doesn't always make the cut for our heart's attention. Arlene Pellicane shares how this affects our families.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-07-12.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Okay, what habit of mine frustrates you the most?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, easy.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I <em>know<\/em> what you are going to say.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Maybe I\u2019m going to say something different.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Okay, go for it.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s that you spend way too much time with your new best friend.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> [Laughter] And my new best friend is?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Your phone.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> The thing in my left hand right now.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes! This is our biggest argument.\n\nWelcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\nThis is our biggest argument\u2014your phone.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, the good thing is: today, we\u2019ve got help.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; I\u2019m so grateful that we have help!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; and it\u2019s not you, and it\u2019s not me. We\u2019ve got Arlene Pellicane with us today, who\u2019s an <em>expert<\/em> on screen time and digital world\/this little iPhone<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> thing I\u2019ve got in my hand. Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t know I was going to be doing an intervention, so this is good! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Arlene, it\u2019s a counseling session.\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> This is excellent; this is excellent. This is so that you\u2019re listening, and you know you are not alone. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And you\u2019ve written a book called <em>Screen Kids: 5 Relational Skills Every Child Needs in a Tech-Driven World<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Another thing you do: you have the <em>Happy Home <\/em>podcast, as well as being a wife and a mother of three kids; so you\u2019ve got a busy, crazy life.\n\nI know on the <em>Happy Home <\/em>podcast, as well as your books, you talk a lot about screen time.\n\n<strong>Arlene: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We\u2019re living in a world of craziness with our screens. Talk to us a little bit; first of all, how did you get into this? Why this?\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> You know, you can look around, and you say, \u201cWhat\u2019s going on? Something is <em>very<\/em> different than it used to be.\u201d You cannot get around technology; it is a part of every single family\u2019s life. For most of us, I think, it\u2019s a problem; that\u2019s why I\u2019ve been writing these books. Because, you see, this is an issue\u2014the same way we joke about like, \u201cHey, why are you on your phone so much?\u201d you know, to your spouse\u2014kids are thinking that about their parents; parents are thinking that about their kids. It\u2019s a whole different thing.\n\nI <em>love<\/em> television, so don\u2019t get me wrong. I\u2019m an only child; and I remember coming home from school and watching <em>Gilligan\u2019s Island<\/em>, and <em>I Love Lucy<\/em>, and all these shows in a row. But that TV was different; because that TV was in a central location; it was <em>huge<\/em> like a chair. You know, you couldn\u2019t just put it in my pocket and take it into my bedroom. There was a set time that you watched it\u2014it turned on; it turned off\u2014you went on with your life.\n\nThat is <em>not<\/em> how screen time is now. Now, it\u2019s individualized; so we all don\u2019t have to agree on what we watch as a family: mom can watch something; dad can watch something; kids can watch something\/even the kids are watching different things. Maybe, you used to watch a show together\u2014and it would give you this common vocabulary, common characters you loved, favorite enemies\u2014you know, all those things.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And it was kind of bonding.\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> It was bonding; right. But now, it\u2019s something that\u2019s very individualized. And then, because it\u2019s so mobile\u2014and now\/not that you could bring a tablet somewhere, but it\u2019s a phone\u2014and it\u2019s in the car; and it\u2019s in the school; and it\u2019s in the cafeteria; and it\u2019s in all these different places; it\u2019s really a disrupter.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And the thing that\u2019s happening now is we\u2019re living in a generation that we can\u2019t look back to our parents and say, \u201cOh, what did you guys do about this?\u201d This is all new territory. I think your book is so helpful; because we\u2019re all saying: \u201cHelp! Give us some guidance and instruction in how to do this.\u201d\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Yes; Barna research showed that eight out of ten parents say it\u2019s harder to parent now than in their parents\u2019 generation\u2014and it\u2019s because of technology\u2014because it\u2019s: \u201cWhat do we do with this?\u201d I think there\u2019s also\/you have to be able to have that hope of: \u201cWell, what could this be like?\u201d Because it\u2019s easy to fall into: \u201cWell, this is just how it is,\u201d \u201cThis is just how it is\u2014kids are on phones\u2014this is how it\u2019s going to be. This is how they communicate now; this is a new generation.\u201d\n\nBut \u201cWhat could it be? What are they <em>missing<\/em>?\u201d\u2014I think that\u2019s what we really want to talk about in <em>Screen Kids<\/em>, and help parents to get back the childhood; because kids only get one. This is a wonderful opportune moment to say: \u201cFrom this day forward, how can I help my child be in a real world?\u2014where it\u2019s not all video games; and it\u2019s not all YouTube<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>; and it\u2019s not all social media. How can I help them get there?\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014and to communicate with somebody, face to face.\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> When we were in seminary in the \u201880s, there was a huge, big box phone that you could, like mobile, take in your car. I remember thinking, when that technology started\/my thought\u2014I don\u2019t know if I\u2019m original in this idea\u2014but it was like, \u201cOh, that\u2019ll be great; because you can drive from work, get more work done; and then when you get home, you\u2019ll be home.\u201d I had <em>no idea<\/em> that the <em>opposite<\/em> was going to happen. You will <em>never<\/em> stop looking at your phone; you\u2019ll <em>never<\/em> stop work.\n\nYou talk about, early in your book, the effects of screen time in the digital world\/the tech world, which is awesome\u2014it\u2019s wonderful, unbelievable benefits\u2014but you talk about the effects on relationships; and we\u2019ll talk about this: effects on your brain.\n\nWe joked at the beginning that she says I have this new friend\/my best friend. It has <em>affected<\/em> our marriage, and I don\u2019t want to admit it. I <em>continually<\/em> deny it: \u201cOh, it\u2019s no big deal. I don\u2019t look at it that much.\u201d And when your kids are saying \u201cDad, you walk in our house; and you pull your phone out,\u201d it\u2019s a <em>problem<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So talk about that\u2014especially, whether it\u2019s in a marriage or as a parent\u2014how is this causing problems in our home?\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Eye contact; right? So let\u2019s just think about that. When you are with someone, and they\u2019re <em>looking<\/em> at you, you feel like \u201cOkay, I\u2019m heard. I am understood. This is great.\u201d But when they are distracted and looking down at something else, you\u2019re like \u201cHelloo!\u201d So just the simple thing of\/you see: \u201cOh, my loved ones,\u201d\u2014whether it\u2019s a parent or spouse\u2014\"their attention is somewhere else.\u201d\n\nThey\u2019ve done studies, where they put two strangers together to have a conversation; but there\u2019s a phone present. They\u2019ll report that they feel like: \u201cOh, the person wasn\u2019t really listening very well,\u201d because they\u2019re distracted by that phone simply being present\u2014not even being touched or\u2014just being present.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> They\u2019re not even <em>on<\/em> the phone you\u2019re saying.\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> They\u2019re not even on the phone\u2014it\u2019s just present\u2014but they feel distracted, because they <em>know<\/em> that the person\u2019s attention is divided\u2014they\u2019re wondering: \u201cOh, did I get a text?\u201d \u201cI want to pick it up; I\u2019d like to take a picture at this moment,\u201d\u2014you know, whatever it is.\n\nBut the same situation, without the phone, they\u2019ll say: \u201cOh, that felt really nice. I felt I made a connection with that person.\u201d\n\nSo you just think about it\u2014that when a husband and wife are together\u2014I forgot the statistic, but it was something like the iPhone user is unlocking their phone 80 times a day. Can you imagine if you tried to reach out to your spouse just <em>eight<\/em> times a day?\u2014right?\u2014and you just reach out, whether it\u2019s physically that you\u2019re touching them; or that you\u2019re asking, \u201cHey babe, how are you doing? Are you doing okay today?\u201d\u2014whatever it is\/if you reached out to your spouse. Can you imagine if you reached out to your spouse 80 times a day?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> No!\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> You\u2019d be like\u2014 [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019d be <em>amazing<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> \u2014\"What is wrong? What is happening to you?!\u201d [Laughter]\n\nBut we\u2019ll do that to our phones; and our phones\u2014they don\u2019t care; they are not emotive\u2014so instead of reaching for that phone, if we even said to ourselves: \u201cWait a minute. I\u2019m going to reach out to my spouse,\u201d and to even make the statement: \u201cMy spouse is more interesting than my phone.\u201d But then, in reality, how do we act? \u201cWell, no; because our <em>phone<\/em> has constant news\/has headlines that are very alluring.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes! We can\u2019t compete!\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> We can\u2019t compete: there\u2019s shopping to be done; there\u2019s <em>work<\/em> to be accomplished; there\u2019s a world to save. I mean, there\u2019s all these things happening on your phone; and then you think, \u201cWell, of course, that\u2019s more interesting.\u201d\n\nI think we have to get to the point, where we can admit and say, \u201cOkay, this is a problem.\u201d But also, <em>realize<\/em> it\u2019s not your fault; because that phone has been completely <em>wired<\/em> to get your attention. Tristan Harris\u2014he is a former Google<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> guy ethicist\u2014and he is all for ethical technology; he\u2019ll say, \u201cThere are a thousand people on the other side of that screen.\u201d\n\nAnd that\u2019s why you\u2019re having such a hard problem, Dave; because there\u2019s a thousand people saying: \u201cHow can we make this more pleasurable?\u201d \u201cHow can we keep your attention?\u2019\u201d And it\u2019s brain scientists; it\u2019s psychologists; it\u2019s marketers; it\u2019s advertisers; and they\u2019re all on that other side of the screen, trying to get you. They\u2019ve tested it over, and over, and over again. So here you are\u2014like, \u201cLet me just check this,\u201d\u2014and you don\u2019t know you\u2019re walking into this elaborately-set <em>trap<\/em> to get your attention.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Now, is it only me? You guys are acting like <em>I\u2019m<\/em> the one with the problem. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I was going to say\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You two women <em>never<\/em> struggle.\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> \u201cWe\u2019re so good.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I was going to say, \u201cI\u2019m thinking, \u2018Dave is so bad at this. He\u2019s spending all this time, but <em>I<\/em> am so much better.\u2019\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> That\u2019s so good.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And then my time\/my usage on my phone will come up\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014and it\u2019s higher than mine!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> No, it\u2019s not. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, it is; I see her. She doesn\u2019t know I <em>see<\/em> it on my screen too. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> But I remember, the first time it came up, I was <em>shocked<\/em>, like, \u201cWhat?! I am the better one, but am I?\u201d Because I\u2014[Laughter]\u2014I think it\u2019s better, because I\u2019m texting my friends; this is relational; and I need to get that shopping done on Amazon<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What do you think I\u2019m doing?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I don\u2019t know. [Laughter] You\u2019re looking at sports the whole time. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> No, I\u2019m not.\n\nBut let me ask you this, because you\u2019ve already mentioned this; I\u2019ve heard people say, \u201cWhen you\u2019re out for dinner or when you\u2019re with someone, literally, get the phone off the table.\u201d\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Because I used to think, \u201cI\u2019ll turn it upside down; I won\u2019t see it\u201d; and they\u2019ve said, \u201cNo, move it. Don\u2019t have it accessible.\u201d\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Yes; and I think that is a doable, <em>powerful<\/em> boundary\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Really?\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> \u2014that you can say: \u201cWe\u2019re going to leave this in my pocket\/we\u2019re going to leave this in my purse, and we\u2019re going to have a conversation.\u201d It\u2019s the same for your kids\u2014and for the kids, for them to see <em>you<\/em> model it; so if the children\u2014you know, parents\/we\u2019re always: \u201cPut your phone away,\u201d \u201cPut your phone away,\u201d \u201cPut your phone away.\u201d But for them, they\u2019re thinking, \u201cWell, you\u2019ve got your phone at the dinner table. Why do I have to have my phone away when you\u2019ve got your phone?\u201d [Deeper voice] \u201cWell, mine\u2019s <em>important<\/em>; I might get something from work.\u201d The kid\u2019s like, \u201cThat\u2019s not important.\u201d So if you\u2019re truly not an emergency worker, and you really can put your phone away for the meal, I think that\u2019s an <em>amazing<\/em> way to start; that it\u2019s not even a temptation.\n\nRemember when you had a baby?\u2014and whenever that baby made a <em>noise<\/em>, you\u2019re just there: \u201cWhat does the baby need?\u201d \u201cWhat does the baby need?\u201d\u2014that\u2019s how our phones are; it\u2019s like: \u201cIt made a noise; what does it need?\u201d \u201cLet me dress the baby,\u201d\u2014for the girls; right?\u2014\u201cLet me put it in a nice case.\u201d We treat it like this baby,\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cLet me dress the baby.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> \u2014and we always have it just a few feet away from us.\n\nSo if you can put the baby to bed, and really have times in your day\u2014meal time would be one; and then, I think, when you first wake up in the morning; and when you go to bed at night\u2014again, if you\u2019re not an emergency worker, and you can do this, to have it in another room. So for your first moments\u2014because so many of us roll out of bed, look at the phone; get into bed, look at the phone; close your eyes. Those boundaries,\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cGuilty.\u201d\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> \u2014I think, are really helpful.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Let me ask you this: if I put my phone in another room; and right now, I\u2019m feeling convicted like maybe I should at night\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, it\u2019s our alarm clocks too; so you have to get an old-fashioned alarm clock.\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> You can, and you can do this.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You mean one of those things that goes ding, ding, ding, ding, ding; they still make those?\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> They still make those.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> No, here\u2019s my question\u2014and I\u2019m just going to confess\u2014so I\u2019ll put my phone in another room, maybe turn it off\u2014which I\u2019ve got to be honest; right now, I\u2019m like, \u201cNo way! How could I live like that? There might be an emergency at three in the morning.\u201d\n\nBut here\u2019s what I know: I\u2019ve got my watch on. It\u2019s a digital watch, so it\u2019s going to go buzz; and I\u2019m going to roll over, and I\u2019m still going to look at it. Do I get rid of the watch? Do I eliminate digital screens for bedtime?\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> And you know, everyone\u2019s going to say this a little bit different. For some people, it might be, \u201cYes; let\u2019s get rid of the watch; and let\u2019s get a clang, clang.\u201d I remember I had a Bugs Bunny<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> alarm clock [Laughter]: \u201cIt\u2019s time to get up, Doc!\u201d\u2014go for it; so go get all the digital stuff out.\n\nBut for others, the watch is really not that tempting; because when you see people, they\u2019re not like <em>staring<\/em> at their watch for hours. You know, because it\u2019s small; and there\u2019s only limited things you can do. After a while, you\u2019re like, \u201cOkay, I\u2019m done.\u201d So if the watch isn\u2019t a problem for you, then maybe that\u2019s the good solution\u2014that the phone goes out and the watch stays in.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I was just thinking, \u201cMaybe you ask your spouse\u201d; because I bet you\u2014I don\u2019t know\u2014she\u2019s already told me a <em>million<\/em> times.\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> But see\/but then, you can also ask <em>her<\/em> things; so we\u2019ve opened the door for that as well.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s true.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But I would want to say, \u201cAnn, do you think I should put my phone away at night and my watch?\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That would <em>totally<\/em> make me feel loved; it would!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, no.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Like the fact that you would ask me that says a lot. I would probably\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We\u2019re going to edit this part of the show out; [Laughter] I don\u2019t want anybody to know we had this public conversation.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> But I need to put my phone away, too, if we moved them out of the bedroom. I wouldn\u2019t care if you did your watch; I don\u2019t think you\u2019re just going to be watching your watch at night.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I feel like the watch would be an emergency; like if something happened, I would get a\u2014because when it buzzes at night, I don\u2019t look at it\u2014because it\u2019s just sort of weird, unless I really think like there\u2019s a playoff game on or something. [Laughter]\n\nBut here\u2019s the thing\u2014you\u2019ve talked about the screens affecting relationships\u2014are there other areas that the screens affect relationship?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014or even the brain, because you talked about how it affects our brain. Talk about that a little bit.\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Yes, yes; that is a <em>huge<\/em> thing for adults; but also, even more importantly, for kids. Because with an adult, you have this fully-formed lovely brain, by about 25 years old; so you can make these decisions. But for kids\u2014like think of what we\u2019re doing right now\u2014we\u2019re just talking about phone use, and how it is so difficult just to kind of wean yourself off of it; and we\u2019re grown adults.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Right.\n\n<strong>Arlene: <\/strong>You put that kind of technology into the hand of a five-year-old, ten-year-old, fifteen-year-old\u2014and you think like, \u201cGood luck,\u201d\u2014it\u2019s not going to work. There is something definitely in the brain. We are very alert when it comes to like drugs, or smoking, or alcohol\u2014we get that: \u201cThat\u2019s bad for our kids,\u201d\u2014but this whole screen time thing; that\u2019s under the radar\u2014because that has a mix of <em>good<\/em> things: online schools, skyping Grandma; with bad things: addiction, pornography, getting your identity from the wrong place, just wasting a lot of time, obesity because you\u2019re sitting there the whole time\u2014there\u2019s this huge <em>mix<\/em> of what could be good and what could be bad.\n\nSo much to say about the brain\u2014when your child is playing video games, for instance\u2014and a parent is wondering, like, \u201cHello! I just called you to dinner 30 minutes ago; why do you not respond? Why do you not listen to me?\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> They say \u201cMom, I just need to get through this level.\u201d\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> It\u2019s like, \u201cI can\u2019t stop <em>now<\/em>.\u201d So when a child is playing a game, their body is thinking, like, \u201cI am running away.\u201d Like it is fight or flight, and we are flooded with these stress hormones. There\u2019s no where to go; so your body is like, \u201cMan, I\u2019m stressed out; but there\u2019s nothing to do here.\u201d\n\nAnd then the blood flow goes\u2014instead of going to the prefrontal cortex of the brain, which is the front part; that\u2019s like the executive decision-making center that\u2019s like \u201cYou know, you haven\u2019t gone to the bathroom for an hour; you should probably\u201d\u2014and you\u2019ve really needed to\u2014\"you should probably get up.\u201d That part of the brain doesn\u2019t get any blood; and instead, they\u2019re thinking, \u201cSurvival.\u201d Their body is putting all the blood into like the major organs\u2014keep that heart pumping\u2014\u201cLet\u2019s keep this kid alive. This kid\u2019s in trouble; stress hormones are raging; let\u2019s go!\u201d\n\nSo here\u2019s this kid in this <em>constant<\/em> state of stress, and their prefrontal cortex is not getting a whole lot of blood, and if they spend a little bit of time like this, okay. But if you spend <em>hours<\/em> of every day in this state, then you get to be 18\/20 and you wonder: \u201cWhy does my child\/they can\u2019t seem to regulate their emotion? Their emotions are so crazy; they just freak out about things,\u201d or \u201cThey\u2019re either so angry or so depressed.\u201d\n\nA lot of that has to do with that prefrontal cortex\u2014that part that\u2019s been given by God to regulate our emotion\/to help us with self-control\u2014that part\u2019s been <em>starved<\/em> their whole life by that blood not being there. The brain is a muscle, and it\u2019s going to do what you\u2019ve told it to do. For too many kids, all the brain knows how to do is work in this digital world; but they don\u2019t know other things.\n\nI remember, when we moved into our home, we did it to be close to my parents. It was just dirt\/just new construction and dirt. My husband is saying, \u201cWhy in the world?\u201d [Laughter] \u201cWill they build something here, dear?\u201d \u201cI hope so!\u201d So here it is: dirt. Of course, now, there\u2019s tons of roads that go everywhere I want to go. But can you imagine if those roads had never been built?\u2014we would be <em>stuck<\/em> in our house; and be like, \u201cThis was a bad decision.\u201d\n\nWell, for kids, their brains are just these dirt\/just dirt; and they make pathways: \u201cOh, this is how you meet someone,\u201d \u201cThis is how you comfort someone, who is sick,\u201d \u201cThis is how you press through math homework when you really don\u2019t even like math,\u201d \u201cThis is how you get cut from a team,\u201d \u201cThis is how you ask a girl on a date and get rejected.\u201d So there\u2019s these things; and then there\u2019s pathways that show: \u201cThese are roads we know how to deal with this.\u201d\n\nBut today\u2019s kids\/they\u2019re <em>not<\/em> having pathways to reading; pathways to read the Bible; pathways to serving others; pathways to talking to their parents; to listening to people, even when they don\u2019t feel like it\u2014all those things\u2014because all those pathways\/it\u2019s like concrete. It\u2019s all being set towards where?\u2014video games, YouTube, being entertained.\n\nTheir amusement muscle is <em>really<\/em> strong for the brain; but their relating with people muscle\u2014the love one another; serve one another\u2014all those muscles super atrophied or are nonexistent. That\u2019s\/I think, for parents to realize this is a brain issue: \u201cWhat kind of pathways is my child going to have as they grow up?\u201d If they miss it, they kind of miss it in those early years; and that\u2019s really kind of frightening.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014especially when you\u2019re seeing toddlers on their devices, all the time; because they\/you know, it just becomes a habit; it\u2019s easier. You\u2019re saying they\u2019re doing the same thing.\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Yes, absolutely. It used to be that kids in the \u201870s would start watching TV when they\u2019re about four years old. Today, they say it\u2019s four <em>months<\/em>\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Four months?\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> \u2014and that\u2019s a <em>big<\/em> difference. If you\u2019re listening, and you\u2019ve got a baby or a grandbaby, then just take this as your friendly reminder: \u201cNo screens before they\u2019re two.\u201d The American Academy of Pediatrics still stands by that.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Does that include a TV?\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Yes; they would say not having a TV; so that that child can be looking at <em>real<\/em> objects, and getting used to\/and faces; right?\u2014connecting with people\u2014that that\u2019s so important. They say the video chatting is okay; so if they\u2019re looking at a phone, and they\u2019re looking at grandma or grandpa, that\u2019s okay. But other than that, they say not to use screens.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Wow! I know for me, as a dad and as a husband\u2014you know, this new term in the last year: social distancing\u2014I don\u2019t remember ever hearing that term before the pandemic.\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Exactly; that\u2019s right.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You know, you think about we\u2019ve <em>learned<\/em> to be six feet apart, and it\u2019s safer. The phone has social distanced us: when I\u2019m looking at my phone, she\u2019s leaving me alone. Again, there\u2019s a lot of great, and good, and benefits; but often, your mind is just mindless; you\u2019re wasting time.\n\nI think of Philippians 4\u2014a lot of us know this verse, Philippians 4:8\u2014I\u2019ll read it to you, where Paul says, \u201cFinally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worth of praise, think about these things.\u201d <em>Rarely<\/em> do I look at a phone and think about those things\u2014and you can\u2014there\u2019s the You Version<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> Bible app. I have a Bible plan every day, and it\u2019s awesome; but that\u2019s like\n\n10 percent; the rest\/the 90 is like I\u2019m sort of wasting time here\u2014\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Right!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014this wasn\u2019t very lovely or honorable\u2014and I\u2019m pulled away from my wife and kids; I\u2019m pulled away from people.\n\nI can remember meetings, as a pastor at our church, where we all sat at a table and looked at each other. And meetings now, where there\u2019s a screen in front of everybody, and they have to <em>force<\/em> their eyes up to look at one another.\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Right; yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I thought, \u201cWow, this is an awesome benefit and beauty from God\u201d; but you\u2019re helping us think, \u201cBoy, oh boy, we\u2019ve got to be <em>vigilant<\/em>.\u201d\n\nI want to say to any parent listening, and it\u2019s myself in the mirror, \u201cTake back your home.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It can be on you to say: \u201cI\u2019m going to lead my family well. We\u2019re going to <em>talk<\/em> about screen time. We\u2019re going to put boundaries in place; and by the way, I\u2019ve got to be number one model and show this.\u201d\n\nI would challenge any mom or dad\u2014not only to pick up [Arlene\u2019s] book and learn\u2014because man, just reading your book is like: \u201cWow, I had no idea.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So helpful.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You are one of the experts\u2014and it\u2019s not like somebody in a room or a college professor\u2014you\u2019re a mom and a wife, living this out.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You\u2019ve lived it.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So I say, \u201cPick up [Arlene\u2019s] book and take back your home.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>There is no denying that the four-inch screen we carry around with us\/the ever-present wireless connectivity that we have with the internet, this is a game-changer in how life is lived; and it does affect relationships. And for kids, who are growing up with this as normal, it is setting patterns and habits that will be with them for the rest of their lives. That\u2019s why this subject is so important and why Dave and Ann Wilson are encouraging all of us to get a copy of Arlene Pellicane\u2019s book, <em>Screen Kids,<\/em> where she examines the relational skills children need in a tech-driven world.\n\nWe are making Arlene\u2019s book available this week to those of you who can help support the ministry of FamilyLife with a donation. We think this is an essential subject for moms and dads to be aware of, to be on top of, and to be intentional. The book is called <em>Screen Kids<\/em>. It\u2019s our thank-you gift to you when help support the ongoing work of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\nWhat you\u2019re actually doing, when you support FamilyLife, is you\u2019re helping to build stronger marriages and families. There are hundreds of thousands of people, who tune in each day to hear these conversations, so that they can be equipped, and discipled, and mentored in subjects like this to help us think, biblically, about these things. You can donate to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call to donate; the number is 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to donate: 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d Be sure to ask for your copy of Arlene Pellicane\u2019s book, <em>Screen Kids,<\/em> when you get in touch with us.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to talk about whether it\u2019s actually possible to become addicted to your device; because it sure feels that way sometimes; right? We just instinctively\/habitually grab for the device. Arlene Pellicane will be back tomorrow to talk about this. I hope you can be back with us as well.\n\nOn behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry.\n\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. 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