{"id":306937,"date":"2021-07-08T07:00:04","date_gmt":"2021-07-08T11:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/seeking-a-spouse\/"},"modified":"2025-03-12T15:42:17","modified_gmt":"2025-03-12T19:42:17","slug":"seeking-a-spouse","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/seeking-a-spouse\/","title":{"rendered":"Seeking a Spouse"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Who is &#8220;the one&#8221; for you? Jonathan &#8220;JP&#8221; Pokluda answers this question and outlines specific things to look for and to avoid when seeking &#8220;the one&#8221; to marry.<br \/>\nShow Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tGet your copy of Outdated here: https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/p-6097-outdated.aspx<br \/>\n \tFind resources from this podcast at https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130.<br \/>\n \tDownload FamilyLife&#8217;s new app! https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/<br \/>\n \tCheck out all that&#8217;s available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.\u00a0 https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Who is &#8220;the one&#8221; for you? Jonathan &#8220;JP&#8221; Pokluda answers this question and outlines specific things to look for and to avoid when seeking &#8220;the one&#8221; to marry.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-07-08.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:31:24","filesize":"28.75M","filesize_raw":"30147188","date_recorded":"2021-07-08 07:00:04","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2817,2848],"tags":[4737,4018,2243,2926],"podcast_series":[8456],"cwp_profile":[9594],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306937","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-choosing-a-spouse","category-cultural-issues","tag-being-single","tag-dating","tag-how-to-date","tag-singles","podcast_series-outdated","cwp_profile-jp-pokluda","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306937\/seeking-a-spouse","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306937\/seeking-a-spouse","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"f2bnuil2wY\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/seeking-a-spouse\/\">Seeking a Spouse<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/seeking-a-spouse\/embed\/#?secret=f2bnuil2wY\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Seeking a Spouse&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"f2bnuil2wY\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-07-08.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-07-08.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay, knowing all that you know today\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> And that is a lot.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014would you still date the people that you dated in the past?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> No, never.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> What?!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh my goodness! I had so many bad choices.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> So none?!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> The sad thing is they are probably thinking the same thing about me. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> No, I would not have dated the people I dated.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Because you had the wrong motives\/the wrong actions? What was it?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Wrong motives, wrong motives, wrong motives. [Laughter] I was interested in the wrong things, and I wasn\u2019t thinking about character. I was thinking about me and selfishness, so I would do it all completely different.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Me too. I would have done it all different, and I wouldn\u2019t have dated the same people.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> But you would have dated me.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I would have <em>totally<\/em> dated you.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> That was your first right choice, and the same for me too.<\/p>\n<p>We have JP Pokluda with us, who wrote a great book called <em>Outdated<\/em> about dating and singleness. We already talked about \u201cWhy date?\u201d; and you said the purpose is?<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> It\u2019s a path to a promise\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> \u2014of finding a spouse.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> So it\u2019s: \u201cTo find a spouse to get married to; that is the <em>intention<\/em> of a dating relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes, dating will not fulfill you; and a spouse will not fulfill you. I think, before you date, you need to think about that\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> \u2014to make sure you have a grip on that\/that: \u201cThis is not going to satisfy me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right; so the second part of the book is <em>who<\/em>\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014we date. I <em>love<\/em>\/you know, you [typically] build these on lies. Here\u2019s what you say: \u201cThe myth of <em>the one<\/em>.\u201d You say, \u201cThe lie is you have to find the one person <em>made<\/em> for you, who was created around the same you were; and they are out there, lost in the world of eight billion people.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I like this, you guys. I think that\u2019s sounds really sweet.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, that\u2019s a lie!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> The truth is you have a relatively small group of people to choose from, and you don\u2019t need to search high and low. You also have many more options than just <em>one<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Okay, you have got to talk about this, because\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> There is good news and better news here.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes! So let\u2019s just kill \u201cthe one\u201d idea, because that puts pressure on you. If you are trying to find the needle in the haystack\u2014there is one person that was created around the same time that you are that, somewhere in the world, that you have to find them\u2014first of all, it\u2019s a mathematical <em>impossibility<\/em>. [Laughter] You need to know that; right? That we\u2019re not even\u2014there is not one man for every woman\u2014so there is some real challenges to that.<\/p>\n<p>Secondly, you don\u2019t have to look high and low throughout the world; right? There is a reason that\u2014as we look in history, that there was a time in the \u201850s, that most people would marry someone who was born within a five-mile radius than them\u2014that\u2019s changed rapidly with the invention of the internet. We\u2019re more wired into other cultures and other places than we\u2019ve ever been. This idea of <em>the one<\/em>\u2014it\u2019s a bad idea\u2014and it\u2019s unnecessary to think about it that way.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ll even go closer to home here. I\u2019m six foot seven inches tall; I\u2019m weird tall. My wife is five three. I like guns, motorcycles, and the UFC; she doesn\u2019t like any of those things. Am I <em>the one<\/em> for her? Let me ask this: \u201cIs there someone out there more compatible for Monica than I?\u201d Hundreds of thousands of men would be a better match, based on some personality test, for her than I; but she\u2019s the one for me, because she\u2019s the one that I <em>committed<\/em> my life to. I said, \u201cHey, I entered into a covenant before God with\u2026\u201d <em>That<\/em> makes her the one.<\/p>\n<p>But the crazy thing is, Dave, people don\u2019t know what they are looking for. They\u2019re\/if you asked young people, \u201cHey, what are you looking for?\u201d\u2014like\u2014\u201cHow are you going to <em>know<\/em> when you\u2019ve found somebody?\u201d they say, \u201cWell, you just know when you know.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> They are going to say, \u201cWell, I guess I\u2019ll <em>feel<\/em> something I\u2019ve never felt before.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; \u201cI\u2019ve <em>never<\/em> been this happy. This must be the one.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes; \u201cI\u2019m going to get to this\/I\u2019m going to experience some level of happiness\u201d; and that sets you up for more disappointment than just about <em>anything<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>But you would <em>never<\/em> interview for a job that way\u2014like not knowing what the job is\u2014and \u201cHey, I\u2019m just looking for a candidate that I like that I have some chemistry with,\u201d\u2014right? You would <em>never<\/em> do that.<\/p>\n<p>You need to start by thinking: \u201cOkay, what is the job?\u201d\u2014marriage. \u201cWhat does it require?\u201d \u201cWhat am I looking for?\u201d If I\u2019m a woman, I\u2019m looking for someone who would be an <em>amazing<\/em> husband and an <em>amazing<\/em> father. If I\u2019m a man, I\u2019m looking for someone who would be a <em>great<\/em> wife and a <em>great<\/em> mom\u2014so I begin to think, \u201cWhat character qualities am I looking for in someone, who would be a great wife and a great mom?\u201d\u2014so that I can know when I find it.<\/p>\n<p>Like when my wife sends me to the grocery store\u2014she is very specific; right? Like if I bring home generic anything, I\u2019m in trouble. She wants Mrs. Baird\u2019s Seven Wheat Honey-something with gluten-free whatever\u2014and I\u2019ve got to <em>find<\/em> that piece\/like that loaf of bread. I\u2019ve got to find that; I have a list, and it helps me. That\u2019s how I know when I have found it. I look at it, then I compare it to my list. Then when it matches the list, it\u2019s like, \u201cOh, I found it!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s how single people should approach dating; it\u2019s like, \u201cHey, I\u2019m <em>looking<\/em> for someone. I need to know what character qualities they have; so when I find it, I\u2019m like \u2018Oh, I found it.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Then they say, \u201cWhat if I have I found it, and I\u2019m not attracted to them?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014like physically attracted; yes, that\u2019s big!<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Right; yes, yes; or \u201cWhat if we don\u2019t feel chemistry?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> We\u2019ve had people ask us this a lot.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes; I would say there is a place for that\u2014like attraction helps you <em>attract<\/em>\u2014but Proverbs 31:30 says: \u201cBeauty is fleeting,\u201d\/\u201cCharm is deceitful and beauty is fleeting. A woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.\u201d If you hold that\u2014and most of the world does\u2014hold that is the highest criteria that you are looking for, you\u2019re <em>investing<\/em> in the most fleeting\/perishing asset; like that\u2019s the one that goes away the fastest; right? So you don\u2019t want to just <em>base<\/em> an entire marriage on that external. The reality\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Like Monica is <em>beautiful<\/em>; by the grace of God, He\u2019s given me this <em>amazing<\/em> woman. But I\u2019ll tell you: when a kid is sick, and throwing up at 2:30 in the morning\u2014and I\u2019ve gone in the room\u2014they didn\u2019t make it to the trash can, and their room looks and smells like the inside of a Six Flags trash can\/I mean, it\u2019s just terrible\u2014her beauty is not helping me. [Laughter] I don\u2019t need a trophy wife; I need someone to go to war with at that time. It\u2019s not the way that she looks that\u2019s going to really be beneficial at that 2:30 in the morning assignment. If that\u2019s all she has to offer, then, we\u2019re going to be in a real bind.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Obviously, at the same time, you are not going to say to the single person who, right now, is looking at you, going, \u201cOkay, dude; easy for you to say. You\u2019ve got a beautiful wife.\u201d I\u2019ve sat on stage with Ann and said to single people: \u201cPhysical attraction\u201d\u2014and they look at me, like, \u201cLook at who is sitting beside you; you can say that <em>after<\/em>\u2026\u201d So should there be <em>some<\/em> physical attraction? Is it <em>zero<\/em> matter, or does it matter a little bit?<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> You don\u2019t have to be a martyr for sure. [Laughter] I\u2019m not saying, \u201cFind the ugliest person that nobody else is interested in and marry them.\u201d God has given us an entire book, which I think is a lot about our relationship with Him; but He makes provision for this throughout the Scripture. We see that He\u2019s made us emotional beings; He\u2019s given us eyes; He\u2019s made us attracted in some ways\u2014and I think that causes us to engage in the relationship\u2014but don\u2019t rely on that; don\u2019t let that be the <em>foundation<\/em> of the relationship.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Talk to the person, who is dating someone, that the person that is listening is like: \u201cI want Jesus; I\u2019m following Him,\u201d and \u201cI\u2019m dating this person. Eh, I think they are Christian; but I\u2019m kind of pulling them along.\u201d Talk to them.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Let me give you some things to inspect; right? So you\u2019re dating; you\u2019re dating for a path to a promise. You\u2019re trying to figure out if they would be a great husband, or a great father, or a great wife, or a great mother. You\u2019re like, \u201cWell, what do I look at?\u201d First Timothy 4:12 says: \u201cDo not let anyone look down on you because you are young; but set an example for believers in your speech, in your conduct, in your love, in your faith, and in your purity.\u201d This is not a dating verse, but it does give you five great things to inspect.<\/p>\n<p>Look at their\/what comes out of their mouth. Jesus says, \u201cWhat comes out of your mouth reveals your heart.\u201d If you want to know what is in their heart, look at what they say\u2014and not just to you, because they are dating you; they are interviewing for the job\u2014look at how they treat the server at the restaurant, or how they treat someone that can do <em>nothing<\/em> else for them, how they treat the mailman. What comes out of their mouth when they talk to their parents or someone who frustrates them? What comes out of their mouth? Do they use their words to build up?\u2014or do they use their words to tear down, to gossip, to lie, to further deceive, to curse? How do they use their words?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Hey, before you keep going, I want to\/I just want to remind parents\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014who listen to this, and use this as you teach your children, this is <em>great<\/em> parenting for your teenage daughters and sons, who may want to date.<\/p>\n<p>You already talked about speech.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes; so conduct\u2014setting an example for believers in conduct\u2014how do they act? Are they given to anger; right? Are they self-controlled, or do they have something else that controls them?\u2014are they given to drunkenness?\u2014are they living for the party; right? How\/what controls their <em>emotions<\/em>? You\u2019re kind of observing their emotional quotient and their action.<\/p>\n<p>Consider what they love. That\u2019s the next word, \u201clove.\u201d What are the affections of their heart?\u2014do they love Jesus?\u2014do they spend time at the church?\u2014do they love to serve? Or do they love a [sports] team? Nothing is wrong with loving a team, but does that team\/does that obsession mark their life more than anything else?\u2014that you can use it as comparison: \u201cI wish you loved Jesus like <em>that<\/em>,\u201d or \u201cI wish you loved <em>me<\/em> like that, and Jesus even more,\u201d\u2014you can kind of begin to see what holds\/what idols their heart holds.<\/p>\n<p>Then, consider their faith; right? That\u2019s not a check-the-box\u2014they memorized a verse, and they own a Bible\u2014that\u2019s like, \u201cDo they believe in God? When everything is shaken, like the Psalms say, will they still stand on the solid rock of Jesus Christ?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>A really clear tale-tell is: \u201cDo they honor the marriage covenant with purity?\u201d because the person who will put their hands somewhere other than a ring box\u2014right?\u2014is telling you something. They are saying, \u201cI\u2019m <em>willing<\/em> to go outside of marriage for intimacy.\u201d That\u2019s what they are communicating to you. If they will do that with you when they are not married to you, they are saying, \u201cI <em>don\u2019t<\/em> value the marriage covenant enough to hold it sacred and to carry you into it. I\u2019m willing to go outside of it.\u201d So when you marry them, and you make that covenant with them, and they go outside of it, don\u2019t be surprised; they told you they would [by their actions].<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> So JP, talk about the red flags that singles should be aware of as they are pursuing a relationship. What kind of things are those?<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> I think the biggest red flag is someone not having a committed relationship with Jesus. You want to marry somebody who is well-married to Christ. I know that sounds so Christian-clich\u00e9, but it is of utmost importance in marriage.<\/p>\n<p>I take about 2,000 questions\u2014I do something called Friday Q&amp;A, and I\u2019ll take about 2,000 questions\u2014I\u2019ll answer about 100 of them every Friday. I <em>see<\/em> most of them; right? There are so many; but as I go through them, I\u2019ll see most of the questions. There are so many in there: \u201cI\u2019ve just\/my spouse is not a Christian. I really thought they would become one. What do I do? I feel so trapped. I don\u2019t know\u2026\u201d I just always want to put that out there for single people to see that:<\/p>\n<p>This idea of missionary dating\u2014dating someone so that they would become a Christian\u2014is a bad idea and unbiblical. It is forbidden in the Scripture.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014or thinking they\u2019ll change them.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s right; that even marrying someone, thinking they\u2019ll change them\u2014like, listen, the Holy Spirit changes people; He sanctifies us\u2014so you want to marry someone who the Holy Spirit has, because they\u2019ll continue to conform to the image and character of Jesus; but marrying them, hoping they change, is a bad strategy.<\/p>\n<p>Someone that is given to anger\u2014this is a red flag.<\/p>\n<p>Someone that has a track record of unfaithfulness.<\/p>\n<p>Someone who is stuck in sexual sin or sexual addiction. Every Friday, someone asks me, \u201cHey, my boyfriend is addicted to porn. What should I do?\u201d I just rephrase the question back to them; I say, \u201cHey, you\u2019re telling me you are dating someone, who is a serial adulterer. What do <em>you<\/em> think you should do?\u201d\u2014right?\u2014\u201cYou\u2019re telling me\/Jesus says in Matthew 5 that they are committing adultery. So how would you feel if they were regularly sleeping around? Would that change the way that you look at this struggle?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s not like that person is damaged goods, because I <em>am<\/em> that person. You want to help them find freedom; you want to help them find <em>healing<\/em>\u2014go through a recovery ministry, send them into a small group with other people of the same sex that they can get prayer for healing and confess their sin to\u2014but let them <em>heal<\/em> through that.<\/p>\n<p>I think, if they are not involved in a church, that\u2019s a red flag. I want you\/if you love Jesus, I want you dating someone who is thriving in the local body: they are serving there; they are using their gifts; that they are a member there.<\/p>\n<p>They are under the authority there [at church]; that\u2019s a big one too. If they rebel against authority\u2014like that\u2019s cute when you are seven\u2014it\u2019s not cute when you\u2019re twenty-seven; okay? It\u2019s not cool to be an adult and to think that you have to go against every authority that you are under.<\/p>\n<p>The authorities that you are under: obviously, government is one; local authorities\u2014police\/those kinds of things\u2014but also, your employer; the Scripture speaks to this: \u201csubmitting to your employer\u201d\/that authority. Then also, your local church that you would be under the authority of leaders in the church. Those are the three authorities that I think you want to check for as you are dating someone.<\/p>\n<p>A red flag is their friends; you know, you are the average of your five closest friends. So who do they hang out with? People ask all the time: \u201cWell, what if their friends don\u2019t like me?\u201d \u201cWhat if their family doesn\u2019t like me?\u201d Well, just keep in mind that, especially when it comes to family, you are marrying them <em>too<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>I would work to <em>resolve<\/em> that conflict: to understand, to sit down and listen. Do <em>not avoid<\/em> it; if you don\u2019t like their friends, they\u2019re going to become their closest friends. It\u2019s a real mystery to me that you would really love them but not like the five closest people that they hang out with\/their friend group. That\u2019s going to tell you something about the discernment of an individual: is who they hang out with.<\/p>\n<p>Those are some that come to mind.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Those are good. I have a few too.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh! You are going to add a few?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I was thinking about it, because we\u2019ve talked about this too.<\/p>\n<p>I think someone, who won\u2019t apologize\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s big.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u00a0\u2014or admit that they have done wrong\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Pride.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014yes; it\u2019s a total pride issue.<\/p>\n<p>Someone who isn\u2019t willing to look at their past or to talk about their past\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u00a0\u2014who is not willing to go back and say, \u201cThese are some of the<\/p>\n<p>things that happened to me,\u201d\u2014not that those can\u2019t be fixed, but just a <em>willingness<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>Then the other thing that I had was someone who is not willing to engage in conflict. If they are like, \u201cNope, I\u2019m not going to talk about it,\u201d they are going to carry that into your relationship. Unresolved issues will just become this <em>wall<\/em> of unresolved issues that, pretty soon, you can\u2019t even talk about <em>anything<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> It\u2019s the number-one determiner of marriage success:\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> \u2014communication and conflict resolution.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> So yes, you want to work through that.<\/p>\n<p>People\/single people ask me all the time, \u201cHow do I prepare for marriage?\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cGet a roommate,\u201d\u2014you know?\u2014[Laughter]\u2014\u201ca really dysfunctional one that doesn\u2019t do the dishes, because that will help you with marriage.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSo no; I hate\/I like to live alone. I don\u2019t want to live with somebody.\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cYou\u2019re going to hate marriage, because there is someone always there like a shadow. You\u2019re not going to enjoy marriage if you don\u2019t like living with somebody else.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, here is a question for you: \u201cIf you <em>see<\/em> these red flags\u2014maybe, not all of them; but at least, enough to be concerned\u2014and you <em>don\u2019t<\/em> break up,\u201d\u2014because I\u2019ve seen that over and over; it\u2019s like, \u201cHere are the red flags.\u201d They acknowledge, \u201cYes, he\u2019s got them,\u201d or \u201cYes, she\u2019s got them,\u201d\u2014\u201cand they just <em>stay<\/em>\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cwhy?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes; I thought you were going to say, \u201cWell, what do I do?\u201d I was going to say\u2014because people ask that on Friday Q&amp;A\/they\u2019ll say, \u201cHey, there are red flags in my relationship. What do I do?\u201d\u2014I always just write the script for them. I say, \u201cYou go up to them, and you say, \u2018I\u2019m so glad that I dated you, because it has allowed me to realize that\u2026\u201d\u2014insert the red flag; communicate that clearly to them\u2014\u201cand I\u2019ve <em>learned<\/em> that that is not something that I want in a spouse. So I don\u2019t think we should date further.\u201d You look deep in their eyes, and you say that truth. It\u2019s the most <em>loving<\/em> thing that you can do.<\/p>\n<p>Why do they continue to date?\u2014a lot of times because the relationship is physical. Being physical in a relationship\/a dating relationship will keep you in the wrong relationship too long, and it will keep you away from the right relationship. Some people are hearing that right now, and you know I\u2019m talking about you. I\u2019m just telling you: \u201cGod loves you; He\u2019s <em>crazy<\/em> about you, and He has <em>better<\/em> for you. He hasn\u2019t wanted you to date someone for four years, five years, six years.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>If we were talking about how to date, I would say, \u201cFor as short as possible; like go into the dating relationship knowing: \u2018What do I hope to find out?\u2019\u2014like\u2014\u2018What do I want to learn about this person?\u2019 and \u2018How long do I need to learn it?\u2019 and \u2018What environments would help me learn it to find out if they would be a great spouse?\u2019 That\u2019s what dating with intentionality looks like\/is I am trying to determine if they would be a great spouse.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>They stay in that dead-end relationship, because they are dating for fun.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, when I was 18 years old, it was\u2014I had given my life to Jesus at 16\u2014but at 18 is the time that I said, \u201cGod, I give You everything. I am going to go wherever You call me; I\u2019m going to do whatever You want. I\u2019ll say\/like I\u2019m all in; I\u2019m all Yours.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014right before\/right before we started dating.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; so in my head, I <em>knew<\/em> that I needed to break up with this guy; I <em>knew<\/em> it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I knew it, too; and I didn\u2019t even know her.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Dave and I were just starting to talk then. I remember saying to him, \u201cI <em>feel<\/em> like God wants me to break up with him, because it\u2019s not going anywhere spiritually.\u201d I said, \u201cBut he\u2019s <em>such<\/em> a good guy.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cHe\u2019s just great, and he treats me so well.\u201d The next part I said, \u201cI am afraid I won\u2019t find anyone <em>better<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> So <em>fear<\/em> was keeping me in it, and here is what this wise Dave Wilson said to me.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, we were talking.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> He said, \u201cGod is so much bigger than that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cIf you break up with him, you don\u2019t think God has somebody that is even better for you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> \u201cYes; they might be real close to you\/right in front of you right now.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> You really weren\u2019t even thinking of <em>dating<\/em> me at that point.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Not then, no.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> But you really did say that, like, \u201cYou don\u2019t want to miss the <em>best<\/em> that God has\/somebody that is going <em>after<\/em> it [seeking God].\u201d And then we were married nine months later.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> JP, you defined my dating relationship before Ann <em>exactly<\/em>\u2014because when I asked you the question, \u201cWhy do people stay with somebody that sees all these red flags?\u201d\u2014it was me.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>I\u2019ve seen <em>thousands<\/em> [make the same mistake] since.<\/p>\n<p>I dated this girl; I would have\u2014I had had several; I bet this happened eight or nine times\u2014walk up to me and say, \u201cYou should not be with her.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Your mom said it too.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> My mom said it; friends said it. I was at a New Year\u2019s Eve fraternity party on a campus, and a dude that is a total stranger walks up to me, at this crazy house with all these people, and says, \u201cI don\u2019t know what you see in her. I know you\u2019ve been with her four years. She is not who you think\u201d; and he walks away. I remember thinking, \u201cWho are you?! Get out of my face!\u201d Why did I stay?\u2014it was physical.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Can I say something right there?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> You want the opposite of that too.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Like in Song of Solomon, it says their friends and family praise their love\u2014more than wine, more than the party, more than the wedding, more than the dress, more than the cake\u2014you want people around you, in agreement, like, \u201cMan, this just makes sense,\u201d especially if the people around you are God\u2019s people. Really, exclusively\u2014if they are God\u2019s people\u2014if people, who have the Spirit of God, that\u2019s what an arranged marriage is. That\u2019s\/biblically, that\u2019s the only example we have of dating was arranged marriages, which is not dating; but people bringing people together.<\/p>\n<p>In modern time, I\u2019m a fan of arranged marriage when it\u2019s your friends and family saying, \u201cHey, this just makes sense,\u201d\u2014not arranged marriage\/like you meet each other at the altar\u2014but everyone around you is in agreement, like, \u201cWe are <em>so<\/em> in agreement with what God is doing here.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> That did happen with Ann.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes, I love it. Ann, can I ask you a question?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Did you say, \u201cHey, God wants me to break up with you,\u201d to that guy?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> No\u2014[Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Praise God.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014because that\u2019s what everybody says.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> So to the listeners\u2014just a public service announcement\u2014[Laughter]\u2014\u201cDo not blame your break-up on God.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cOwn it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cOwn it\u201d; yes, that\u2019s good.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Some wise counsel on how to break up\/how not to break up [from] Dave and Ann Wilson and Jonathan Pokluda today. Really, talking today about how critical it is to be looking for the right thing when you\u2019re considering a potential marriage partner. The culture points us to a lot of superficial attributes, whether it is appearance, or wealth, or job stability. What we really need to be looking for are values, character, how committed a person is to following Jesus. Those are the more important considerations.<\/p>\n<p>Jonathan has written about this in his book, <em>Outdated<\/em>, which is a book that we\u2019ve got in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can order the book from us online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call to order at 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, the book is called <em>Outdated: Find Love That Lasts When Dating Has Changed<\/em>. We live in a time when the whole idea of dating has changed. Order Jonathan\u2019s book online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call to order your copy at 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>You know, our goal with conversations like this is to provide you with wise, practical, godly counsel on the issues that matter most to all of us: issues related to marriage and family\/issues related to relationships. We want these programs to be conversations you can pass along to others\/people you know who might be dealing with these specific issues. You make all of what we do here at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> possible, as a listener, when you donate to support the ongoing work of this ministry. <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is listener-supported. Your donations made today\u2019s program possible; and what we do in the future going forward is entirely dependent on listeners, like you, saying, \u201cI believe in this work, and I want to see it continue and grow.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Today, if you are able to help support <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> with a donation, we\u2019d love to send you a copy of Ron Hutchcraft\u2019s book, <em>Hope When Your Heart Is Breaking<\/em>. We talked with Ron this week about grief, and loss, and pain, and how to find hope in the middle of that. Ron\u2019s book is our thank-you gift this week when you donate to advance the work of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> and help us reach more couples, more often. You can donate online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call to donate at 1-800-FL-TODAY. Thanks, in advance, for your support. We look forward to hearing from you.<\/p>\n<p>We hope you can join us, again, tomorrow when Jonathan Pokluda will be back to talk about how contentment is not found in finding the right person\/dating the right way. It\u2019s found in trusting Christ in your singleness or in your dating relationships. I hope you can join us for that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry.<\/p>\n<p>Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. 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is \"the one\" for you? Jonathan \"JP\" Pokluda answers this question and outlines specific things to look for and to avoid when seeking \"the one\" to marry.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-07-08.pdf","transcript_content":"<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay, knowing all that you know today\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> And that is a lot.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014would you still date the people that you dated in the past?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> No, never.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> What?!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh my goodness! I had so many bad choices.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> So none?!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> The sad thing is they are probably thinking the same thing about me. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> No, I would not have dated the people I dated.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Because you had the wrong motives\/the wrong actions? What was it?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Wrong motives, wrong motives, wrong motives. [Laughter] I was interested in the wrong things, and I wasn\u2019t thinking about character. I was thinking about me and selfishness, so I would do it all completely different.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Me too. I would have done it all different, and I wouldn\u2019t have dated the same people.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> But you would have dated me.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I would have <em>totally<\/em> dated you.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> That was your first right choice, and the same for me too.<\/p>\n<p>We have JP Pokluda with us, who wrote a great book called <em>Outdated<\/em> about dating and singleness. We already talked about \u201cWhy date?\u201d; and you said the purpose is?<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> It\u2019s a path to a promise\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> \u2014of finding a spouse.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> So it\u2019s: \u201cTo find a spouse to get married to; that is the <em>intention<\/em> of a dating relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes, dating will not fulfill you; and a spouse will not fulfill you. I think, before you date, you need to think about that\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> \u2014to make sure you have a grip on that\/that: \u201cThis is not going to satisfy me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right; so the second part of the book is <em>who<\/em>\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014we date. I <em>love<\/em>\/you know, you [typically] build these on lies. Here\u2019s what you say: \u201cThe myth of <em>the one<\/em>.\u201d You say, \u201cThe lie is you have to find the one person <em>made<\/em> for you, who was created around the same you were; and they are out there, lost in the world of eight billion people.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I like this, you guys. I think that\u2019s sounds really sweet.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, that\u2019s a lie!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> The truth is you have a relatively small group of people to choose from, and you don\u2019t need to search high and low. You also have many more options than just <em>one<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Okay, you have got to talk about this, because\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> There is good news and better news here.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes! So let\u2019s just kill \u201cthe one\u201d idea, because that puts pressure on you. If you are trying to find the needle in the haystack\u2014there is one person that was created around the same time that you are that, somewhere in the world, that you have to find them\u2014first of all, it\u2019s a mathematical <em>impossibility<\/em>. [Laughter] You need to know that; right? That we\u2019re not even\u2014there is not one man for every woman\u2014so there is some real challenges to that.<\/p>\n<p>Secondly, you don\u2019t have to look high and low throughout the world; right? There is a reason that\u2014as we look in history, that there was a time in the \u201850s, that most people would marry someone who was born within a five-mile radius than them\u2014that\u2019s changed rapidly with the invention of the internet. We\u2019re more wired into other cultures and other places than we\u2019ve ever been. This idea of <em>the one<\/em>\u2014it\u2019s a bad idea\u2014and it\u2019s unnecessary to think about it that way.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ll even go closer to home here. I\u2019m six foot seven inches tall; I\u2019m weird tall. My wife is five three. I like guns, motorcycles, and the UFC; she doesn\u2019t like any of those things. Am I <em>the one<\/em> for her? Let me ask this: \u201cIs there someone out there more compatible for Monica than I?\u201d Hundreds of thousands of men would be a better match, based on some personality test, for her than I; but she\u2019s the one for me, because she\u2019s the one that I <em>committed<\/em> my life to. I said, \u201cHey, I entered into a covenant before God with\u2026\u201d <em>That<\/em> makes her the one.<\/p>\n<p>But the crazy thing is, Dave, people don\u2019t know what they are looking for. They\u2019re\/if you asked young people, \u201cHey, what are you looking for?\u201d\u2014like\u2014\u201cHow are you going to <em>know<\/em> when you\u2019ve found somebody?\u201d they say, \u201cWell, you just know when you know.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> They are going to say, \u201cWell, I guess I\u2019ll <em>feel<\/em> something I\u2019ve never felt before.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; \u201cI\u2019ve <em>never<\/em> been this happy. This must be the one.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes; \u201cI\u2019m going to get to this\/I\u2019m going to experience some level of happiness\u201d; and that sets you up for more disappointment than just about <em>anything<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>But you would <em>never<\/em> interview for a job that way\u2014like not knowing what the job is\u2014and \u201cHey, I\u2019m just looking for a candidate that I like that I have some chemistry with,\u201d\u2014right? You would <em>never<\/em> do that.<\/p>\n<p>You need to start by thinking: \u201cOkay, what is the job?\u201d\u2014marriage. \u201cWhat does it require?\u201d \u201cWhat am I looking for?\u201d If I\u2019m a woman, I\u2019m looking for someone who would be an <em>amazing<\/em> husband and an <em>amazing<\/em> father. If I\u2019m a man, I\u2019m looking for someone who would be a <em>great<\/em> wife and a <em>great<\/em> mom\u2014so I begin to think, \u201cWhat character qualities am I looking for in someone, who would be a great wife and a great mom?\u201d\u2014so that I can know when I find it.<\/p>\n<p>Like when my wife sends me to the grocery store\u2014she is very specific; right? Like if I bring home generic anything, I\u2019m in trouble. She wants Mrs. Baird\u2019s Seven Wheat Honey-something with gluten-free whatever\u2014and I\u2019ve got to <em>find<\/em> that piece\/like that loaf of bread. I\u2019ve got to find that; I have a list, and it helps me. That\u2019s how I know when I have found it. I look at it, then I compare it to my list. Then when it matches the list, it\u2019s like, \u201cOh, I found it!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s how single people should approach dating; it\u2019s like, \u201cHey, I\u2019m <em>looking<\/em> for someone. I need to know what character qualities they have; so when I find it, I\u2019m like \u2018Oh, I found it.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Then they say, \u201cWhat if I have I found it, and I\u2019m not attracted to them?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014like physically attracted; yes, that\u2019s big!<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Right; yes, yes; or \u201cWhat if we don\u2019t feel chemistry?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> We\u2019ve had people ask us this a lot.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes; I would say there is a place for that\u2014like attraction helps you <em>attract<\/em>\u2014but Proverbs 31:30 says: \u201cBeauty is fleeting,\u201d\/\u201cCharm is deceitful and beauty is fleeting. A woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.\u201d If you hold that\u2014and most of the world does\u2014hold that is the highest criteria that you are looking for, you\u2019re <em>investing<\/em> in the most fleeting\/perishing asset; like that\u2019s the one that goes away the fastest; right? So you don\u2019t want to just <em>base<\/em> an entire marriage on that external. The reality\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Like Monica is <em>beautiful<\/em>; by the grace of God, He\u2019s given me this <em>amazing<\/em> woman. But I\u2019ll tell you: when a kid is sick, and throwing up at 2:30 in the morning\u2014and I\u2019ve gone in the room\u2014they didn\u2019t make it to the trash can, and their room looks and smells like the inside of a Six Flags trash can\/I mean, it\u2019s just terrible\u2014her beauty is not helping me. [Laughter] I don\u2019t need a trophy wife; I need someone to go to war with at that time. It\u2019s not the way that she looks that\u2019s going to really be beneficial at that 2:30 in the morning assignment. If that\u2019s all she has to offer, then, we\u2019re going to be in a real bind.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Obviously, at the same time, you are not going to say to the single person who, right now, is looking at you, going, \u201cOkay, dude; easy for you to say. You\u2019ve got a beautiful wife.\u201d I\u2019ve sat on stage with Ann and said to single people: \u201cPhysical attraction\u201d\u2014and they look at me, like, \u201cLook at who is sitting beside you; you can say that <em>after<\/em>\u2026\u201d So should there be <em>some<\/em> physical attraction? Is it <em>zero<\/em> matter, or does it matter a little bit?<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> You don\u2019t have to be a martyr for sure. [Laughter] I\u2019m not saying, \u201cFind the ugliest person that nobody else is interested in and marry them.\u201d God has given us an entire book, which I think is a lot about our relationship with Him; but He makes provision for this throughout the Scripture. We see that He\u2019s made us emotional beings; He\u2019s given us eyes; He\u2019s made us attracted in some ways\u2014and I think that causes us to engage in the relationship\u2014but don\u2019t rely on that; don\u2019t let that be the <em>foundation<\/em> of the relationship.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Talk to the person, who is dating someone, that the person that is listening is like: \u201cI want Jesus; I\u2019m following Him,\u201d and \u201cI\u2019m dating this person. Eh, I think they are Christian; but I\u2019m kind of pulling them along.\u201d Talk to them.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Let me give you some things to inspect; right? So you\u2019re dating; you\u2019re dating for a path to a promise. You\u2019re trying to figure out if they would be a great husband, or a great father, or a great wife, or a great mother. You\u2019re like, \u201cWell, what do I look at?\u201d First Timothy 4:12 says: \u201cDo not let anyone look down on you because you are young; but set an example for believers in your speech, in your conduct, in your love, in your faith, and in your purity.\u201d This is not a dating verse, but it does give you five great things to inspect.<\/p>\n<p>Look at their\/what comes out of their mouth. Jesus says, \u201cWhat comes out of your mouth reveals your heart.\u201d If you want to know what is in their heart, look at what they say\u2014and not just to you, because they are dating you; they are interviewing for the job\u2014look at how they treat the server at the restaurant, or how they treat someone that can do <em>nothing<\/em> else for them, how they treat the mailman. What comes out of their mouth when they talk to their parents or someone who frustrates them? What comes out of their mouth? Do they use their words to build up?\u2014or do they use their words to tear down, to gossip, to lie, to further deceive, to curse? How do they use their words?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Hey, before you keep going, I want to\/I just want to remind parents\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014who listen to this, and use this as you teach your children, this is <em>great<\/em> parenting for your teenage daughters and sons, who may want to date.<\/p>\n<p>You already talked about speech.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes; so conduct\u2014setting an example for believers in conduct\u2014how do they act? Are they given to anger; right? Are they self-controlled, or do they have something else that controls them?\u2014are they given to drunkenness?\u2014are they living for the party; right? How\/what controls their <em>emotions<\/em>? You\u2019re kind of observing their emotional quotient and their action.<\/p>\n<p>Consider what they love. That\u2019s the next word, \u201clove.\u201d What are the affections of their heart?\u2014do they love Jesus?\u2014do they spend time at the church?\u2014do they love to serve? Or do they love a [sports] team? Nothing is wrong with loving a team, but does that team\/does that obsession mark their life more than anything else?\u2014that you can use it as comparison: \u201cI wish you loved Jesus like <em>that<\/em>,\u201d or \u201cI wish you loved <em>me<\/em> like that, and Jesus even more,\u201d\u2014you can kind of begin to see what holds\/what idols their heart holds.<\/p>\n<p>Then, consider their faith; right? That\u2019s not a check-the-box\u2014they memorized a verse, and they own a Bible\u2014that\u2019s like, \u201cDo they believe in God? When everything is shaken, like the Psalms say, will they still stand on the solid rock of Jesus Christ?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>A really clear tale-tell is: \u201cDo they honor the marriage covenant with purity?\u201d because the person who will put their hands somewhere other than a ring box\u2014right?\u2014is telling you something. They are saying, \u201cI\u2019m <em>willing<\/em> to go outside of marriage for intimacy.\u201d That\u2019s what they are communicating to you. If they will do that with you when they are not married to you, they are saying, \u201cI <em>don\u2019t<\/em> value the marriage covenant enough to hold it sacred and to carry you into it. I\u2019m willing to go outside of it.\u201d So when you marry them, and you make that covenant with them, and they go outside of it, don\u2019t be surprised; they told you they would [by their actions].<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> So JP, talk about the red flags that singles should be aware of as they are pursuing a relationship. What kind of things are those?<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> I think the biggest red flag is someone not having a committed relationship with Jesus. You want to marry somebody who is well-married to Christ. I know that sounds so Christian-clich\u00e9, but it is of utmost importance in marriage.<\/p>\n<p>I take about 2,000 questions\u2014I do something called Friday Q&amp;A, and I\u2019ll take about 2,000 questions\u2014I\u2019ll answer about 100 of them every Friday. I <em>see<\/em> most of them; right? There are so many; but as I go through them, I\u2019ll see most of the questions. There are so many in there: \u201cI\u2019ve just\/my spouse is not a Christian. I really thought they would become one. What do I do? I feel so trapped. I don\u2019t know\u2026\u201d I just always want to put that out there for single people to see that:<\/p>\n<p>This idea of missionary dating\u2014dating someone so that they would become a Christian\u2014is a bad idea and unbiblical. It is forbidden in the Scripture.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014or thinking they\u2019ll change them.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s right; that even marrying someone, thinking they\u2019ll change them\u2014like, listen, the Holy Spirit changes people; He sanctifies us\u2014so you want to marry someone who the Holy Spirit has, because they\u2019ll continue to conform to the image and character of Jesus; but marrying them, hoping they change, is a bad strategy.<\/p>\n<p>Someone that is given to anger\u2014this is a red flag.<\/p>\n<p>Someone that has a track record of unfaithfulness.<\/p>\n<p>Someone who is stuck in sexual sin or sexual addiction. Every Friday, someone asks me, \u201cHey, my boyfriend is addicted to porn. What should I do?\u201d I just rephrase the question back to them; I say, \u201cHey, you\u2019re telling me you are dating someone, who is a serial adulterer. What do <em>you<\/em> think you should do?\u201d\u2014right?\u2014\u201cYou\u2019re telling me\/Jesus says in Matthew 5 that they are committing adultery. So how would you feel if they were regularly sleeping around? Would that change the way that you look at this struggle?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s not like that person is damaged goods, because I <em>am<\/em> that person. You want to help them find freedom; you want to help them find <em>healing<\/em>\u2014go through a recovery ministry, send them into a small group with other people of the same sex that they can get prayer for healing and confess their sin to\u2014but let them <em>heal<\/em> through that.<\/p>\n<p>I think, if they are not involved in a church, that\u2019s a red flag. I want you\/if you love Jesus, I want you dating someone who is thriving in the local body: they are serving there; they are using their gifts; that they are a member there.<\/p>\n<p>They are under the authority there [at church]; that\u2019s a big one too. If they rebel against authority\u2014like that\u2019s cute when you are seven\u2014it\u2019s not cute when you\u2019re twenty-seven; okay? It\u2019s not cool to be an adult and to think that you have to go against every authority that you are under.<\/p>\n<p>The authorities that you are under: obviously, government is one; local authorities\u2014police\/those kinds of things\u2014but also, your employer; the Scripture speaks to this: \u201csubmitting to your employer\u201d\/that authority. Then also, your local church that you would be under the authority of leaders in the church. Those are the three authorities that I think you want to check for as you are dating someone.<\/p>\n<p>A red flag is their friends; you know, you are the average of your five closest friends. So who do they hang out with? People ask all the time: \u201cWell, what if their friends don\u2019t like me?\u201d \u201cWhat if their family doesn\u2019t like me?\u201d Well, just keep in mind that, especially when it comes to family, you are marrying them <em>too<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>I would work to <em>resolve<\/em> that conflict: to understand, to sit down and listen. Do <em>not avoid<\/em> it; if you don\u2019t like their friends, they\u2019re going to become their closest friends. It\u2019s a real mystery to me that you would really love them but not like the five closest people that they hang out with\/their friend group. That\u2019s going to tell you something about the discernment of an individual: is who they hang out with.<\/p>\n<p>Those are some that come to mind.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Those are good. I have a few too.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh! You are going to add a few?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I was thinking about it, because we\u2019ve talked about this too.<\/p>\n<p>I think someone, who won\u2019t apologize\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s big.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u00a0\u2014or admit that they have done wrong\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Pride.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014yes; it\u2019s a total pride issue.<\/p>\n<p>Someone who isn\u2019t willing to look at their past or to talk about their past\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u00a0\u2014who is not willing to go back and say, \u201cThese are some of the<\/p>\n<p>things that happened to me,\u201d\u2014not that those can\u2019t be fixed, but just a <em>willingness<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>Then the other thing that I had was someone who is not willing to engage in conflict. If they are like, \u201cNope, I\u2019m not going to talk about it,\u201d they are going to carry that into your relationship. Unresolved issues will just become this <em>wall<\/em> of unresolved issues that, pretty soon, you can\u2019t even talk about <em>anything<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> It\u2019s the number-one determiner of marriage success:\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> \u2014communication and conflict resolution.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> So yes, you want to work through that.<\/p>\n<p>People\/single people ask me all the time, \u201cHow do I prepare for marriage?\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cGet a roommate,\u201d\u2014you know?\u2014[Laughter]\u2014\u201ca really dysfunctional one that doesn\u2019t do the dishes, because that will help you with marriage.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSo no; I hate\/I like to live alone. I don\u2019t want to live with somebody.\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cYou\u2019re going to hate marriage, because there is someone always there like a shadow. You\u2019re not going to enjoy marriage if you don\u2019t like living with somebody else.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, here is a question for you: \u201cIf you <em>see<\/em> these red flags\u2014maybe, not all of them; but at least, enough to be concerned\u2014and you <em>don\u2019t<\/em> break up,\u201d\u2014because I\u2019ve seen that over and over; it\u2019s like, \u201cHere are the red flags.\u201d They acknowledge, \u201cYes, he\u2019s got them,\u201d or \u201cYes, she\u2019s got them,\u201d\u2014\u201cand they just <em>stay<\/em>\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cwhy?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes; I thought you were going to say, \u201cWell, what do I do?\u201d I was going to say\u2014because people ask that on Friday Q&amp;A\/they\u2019ll say, \u201cHey, there are red flags in my relationship. What do I do?\u201d\u2014I always just write the script for them. I say, \u201cYou go up to them, and you say, \u2018I\u2019m so glad that I dated you, because it has allowed me to realize that\u2026\u201d\u2014insert the red flag; communicate that clearly to them\u2014\u201cand I\u2019ve <em>learned<\/em> that that is not something that I want in a spouse. So I don\u2019t think we should date further.\u201d You look deep in their eyes, and you say that truth. It\u2019s the most <em>loving<\/em> thing that you can do.<\/p>\n<p>Why do they continue to date?\u2014a lot of times because the relationship is physical. Being physical in a relationship\/a dating relationship will keep you in the wrong relationship too long, and it will keep you away from the right relationship. Some people are hearing that right now, and you know I\u2019m talking about you. I\u2019m just telling you: \u201cGod loves you; He\u2019s <em>crazy<\/em> about you, and He has <em>better<\/em> for you. He hasn\u2019t wanted you to date someone for four years, five years, six years.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>If we were talking about how to date, I would say, \u201cFor as short as possible; like go into the dating relationship knowing: \u2018What do I hope to find out?\u2019\u2014like\u2014\u2018What do I want to learn about this person?\u2019 and \u2018How long do I need to learn it?\u2019 and \u2018What environments would help me learn it to find out if they would be a great spouse?\u2019 That\u2019s what dating with intentionality looks like\/is I am trying to determine if they would be a great spouse.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>They stay in that dead-end relationship, because they are dating for fun.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, when I was 18 years old, it was\u2014I had given my life to Jesus at 16\u2014but at 18 is the time that I said, \u201cGod, I give You everything. I am going to go wherever You call me; I\u2019m going to do whatever You want. I\u2019ll say\/like I\u2019m all in; I\u2019m all Yours.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014right before\/right before we started dating.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; so in my head, I <em>knew<\/em> that I needed to break up with this guy; I <em>knew<\/em> it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I knew it, too; and I didn\u2019t even know her.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Dave and I were just starting to talk then. I remember saying to him, \u201cI <em>feel<\/em> like God wants me to break up with him, because it\u2019s not going anywhere spiritually.\u201d I said, \u201cBut he\u2019s <em>such<\/em> a good guy.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cHe\u2019s just great, and he treats me so well.\u201d The next part I said, \u201cI am afraid I won\u2019t find anyone <em>better<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> So <em>fear<\/em> was keeping me in it, and here is what this wise Dave Wilson said to me.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, we were talking.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> He said, \u201cGod is so much bigger than that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cIf you break up with him, you don\u2019t think God has somebody that is even better for you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> \u201cYes; they might be real close to you\/right in front of you right now.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> You really weren\u2019t even thinking of <em>dating<\/em> me at that point.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Not then, no.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> But you really did say that, like, \u201cYou don\u2019t want to miss the <em>best<\/em> that God has\/somebody that is going <em>after<\/em> it [seeking God].\u201d And then we were married nine months later.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> JP, you defined my dating relationship before Ann <em>exactly<\/em>\u2014because when I asked you the question, \u201cWhy do people stay with somebody that sees all these red flags?\u201d\u2014it was me.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>I\u2019ve seen <em>thousands<\/em> [make the same mistake] since.<\/p>\n<p>I dated this girl; I would have\u2014I had had several; I bet this happened eight or nine times\u2014walk up to me and say, \u201cYou should not be with her.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Your mom said it too.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> My mom said it; friends said it. I was at a New Year\u2019s Eve fraternity party on a campus, and a dude that is a total stranger walks up to me, at this crazy house with all these people, and says, \u201cI don\u2019t know what you see in her. I know you\u2019ve been with her four years. She is not who you think\u201d; and he walks away. I remember thinking, \u201cWho are you?! Get out of my face!\u201d Why did I stay?\u2014it was physical.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Can I say something right there?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> You want the opposite of that too.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Like in Song of Solomon, it says their friends and family praise their love\u2014more than wine, more than the party, more than the wedding, more than the dress, more than the cake\u2014you want people around you, in agreement, like, \u201cMan, this just makes sense,\u201d especially if the people around you are God\u2019s people. Really, exclusively\u2014if they are God\u2019s people\u2014if people, who have the Spirit of God, that\u2019s what an arranged marriage is. That\u2019s\/biblically, that\u2019s the only example we have of dating was arranged marriages, which is not dating; but people bringing people together.<\/p>\n<p>In modern time, I\u2019m a fan of arranged marriage when it\u2019s your friends and family saying, \u201cHey, this just makes sense,\u201d\u2014not arranged marriage\/like you meet each other at the altar\u2014but everyone around you is in agreement, like, \u201cWe are <em>so<\/em> in agreement with what God is doing here.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> That did happen with Ann.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Yes, I love it. Ann, can I ask you a question?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Did you say, \u201cHey, God wants me to break up with you,\u201d to that guy?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> No\u2014[Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> Praise God.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014because that\u2019s what everybody says.<\/p>\n<p><strong>JP:<\/strong> So to the listeners\u2014just a public service announcement\u2014[Laughter]\u2014\u201cDo not blame your break-up on God.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cOwn it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cOwn it\u201d; yes, that\u2019s good.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Some wise counsel on how to break up\/how not to break up [from] Dave and Ann Wilson and Jonathan Pokluda today. Really, talking today about how critical it is to be looking for the right thing when you\u2019re considering a potential marriage partner. The culture points us to a lot of superficial attributes, whether it is appearance, or wealth, or job stability. What we really need to be looking for are values, character, how committed a person is to following Jesus. Those are the more important considerations.<\/p>\n<p>Jonathan has written about this in his book, <em>Outdated<\/em>, which is a book that we\u2019ve got in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can order the book from us online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call to order at 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, the book is called <em>Outdated: Find Love That Lasts When Dating Has Changed<\/em>. We live in a time when the whole idea of dating has changed. Order Jonathan\u2019s book online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call to order your copy at 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>You know, our goal with conversations like this is to provide you with wise, practical, godly counsel on the issues that matter most to all of us: issues related to marriage and family\/issues related to relationships. We want these programs to be conversations you can pass along to others\/people you know who might be dealing with these specific issues. You make all of what we do here at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> possible, as a listener, when you donate to support the ongoing work of this ministry. <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is listener-supported. Your donations made today\u2019s program possible; and what we do in the future going forward is entirely dependent on listeners, like you, saying, \u201cI believe in this work, and I want to see it continue and grow.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Today, if you are able to help support <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> with a donation, we\u2019d love to send you a copy of Ron Hutchcraft\u2019s book, <em>Hope When Your Heart Is Breaking<\/em>. We talked with Ron this week about grief, and loss, and pain, and how to find hope in the middle of that. Ron\u2019s book is our thank-you gift this week when you donate to advance the work of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> and help us reach more couples, more often. You can donate online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call to donate at 1-800-FL-TODAY. Thanks, in advance, for your support. We look forward to hearing from you.<\/p>\n<p>We hope you can join us, again, tomorrow when Jonathan Pokluda will be back to talk about how contentment is not found in finding the right person\/dating the right way. It\u2019s found in trusting Christ in your singleness or in your dating relationships. I hope you can join us for that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry.<\/p>\n<p>Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a><\/p>\n<p>1<\/p>\n","theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/306937","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=306937"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=306937"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=306937"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=306937"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=306937"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=306937"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=306937"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}