{"id":306916,"date":"2021-06-28T07:00:05","date_gmt":"2021-06-28T11:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/the-next-right-thing\/"},"modified":"2021-06-28T07:00:05","modified_gmt":"2021-06-28T11:00:05","slug":"the-next-right-thing","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-next-right-thing\/","title":{"rendered":"The Next Right Thing"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Single moms can often feel like they live in a whirlwind, but PeggySue Wells and Pam Farrel give easy and practical steps to help them do the next right thing.<br \/>\nShow Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tResources from Pam and Peggy Sue for single mom&#8217;s: https:\/\/singlemomcircle.com\/<br \/>\n \tRegister for the drawing to win a spot on our Love Like You Mean It Cruise\u00a0https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/loveyoubetter\u00a0<br \/>\n \tLove Like You Mean it Cruise sale:\u00a0https:\/\/www.lovelikeyoumeanitcruise.com\/<br \/>\n \tFind resources from this podcast at https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130.<br \/>\n \tDownload FamilyLife&#8217;s new app! https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/<br \/>\n \tCheck out all that&#8217;s available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.\u00a0 https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Single moms can often feel like they live in a whirlwind, but PeggySue Wells and Pam Farrel give easy and practical steps to help them do the next right thing.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-06-28.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:29:24","filesize":"26.92M","filesize_raw":"28232625","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2853,2838],"tags":[6983,5049,6984],"podcast_series":[8455],"cwp_profile":[9717,9716],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306916","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-frazzled-family","category-mothers","tag-single-moms","tag-single-parenting","tag-single-parent-homes","podcast_series-the-10-best-decisions-a-single-mom-can-make","cwp_profile-pam-farrel","cwp_profile-peggysue-wells","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306916\/the-next-right-thing","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306916\/the-next-right-thing","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"lLdncFjj5T\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-next-right-thing\/\">The Next Right Thing<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-next-right-thing\/embed\/#?secret=lLdncFjj5T\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;The Next Right Thing&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"lLdncFjj5T\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Single moms can often feel like they live in a whirlwind, but PeggySue Wells and Pam Farrel give easy and practical steps to help them do the next right thing.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-06-28.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019m going to give you two words, and I want you to respond to it. Are you ready?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Now I\u2019m ready!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay: \u2018Single mom.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> First thought is: committed, loving, best mom in the world: my mom!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I did not realize I was being raised by a single mom until I was a teenager; you know, it didn\u2019t hit me. I mean, I missed my dad; I missed that part of my life, but it didn\u2019t hit me: \u201cShe is doing <em>all <\/em>of this!\u201d\u2014you know. So when I hear \u201csingle mom,\u201d there are all kinds of words.\n\nWe get to talk about that today; we get to put some words around it.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And I\u2019m excited; because I feel like, a lot of times, we don\u2019t address single moms enough. I think that they feel a little lost and forgotten. And I know, with your mom, I don\u2019t know how she did it! It\u2019s remarkable!\n\nBut we\u2019re excited today, because we are going to talk about this.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; and I would even say, as we start: \u201cIf you know a single mom, write her a note; pray for her; send her a gift right now.\u201d I mean, I know my mom felt alone a lot.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Okay, enough about me and enough about my mom.\n\nWe get to talk about a book today, which has a great title: <em>The 10 Best Decisions a Single Mom Can Make. <\/em>And we\u2019ve got two of the most prolific authors\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014I think I\u2019ve ever met in my life.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014Pam Farrel and PeggySue Wells. First, welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> Thanks. It\u2019s great to be at FamilyLife! We raised our kids listening to <em>FamilyLife Today; <\/em>didn\u2019t we?\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> That\u2019s exactly what I said when I pulled into the parking lot: \u201cI listened to this, raising my kids!\u201d It was such good, good guidance.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Ah, that\u2019s good to hear!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Did you really? Where did you listen?\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> I really did; on the radio in California.\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> Okay, mine goes even further back. Bill and I\/we were dating, and I was deciding whether to marry Bill. I sat under Dennis Rainey\u2019s teaching on marriage\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes!\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> \u2014at a Cru<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> conference. I always credit FamilyLife with giving us a great marriage, you know, 42 years later.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201442 years!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So you were on Cru staff?\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> We were not! We were <em>students<\/em>, actually.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh! That\u2019s <em>great<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And then you write, you know, a book I think a lot of us have read\u2014I know\/what?\u2014millions have read?\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> Well, 400\/500,000; something like that, yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Really.\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Incredible.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s just a few people\u2014[Laughter]\u2014<em>Men Are Like Waffles<\/em>\u2014<em>Women Are Like Spaghetti<\/em>;and then, <em>Red Hot Monogamy<\/em>?\n\n<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\n<strong>Pam: <\/strong>Yes; that\u2019s a fun one.\n\n<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You have written over 50 books; right?\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s incredible!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s crazy! We\u2019ve written two; we think we\u2019re <em>dying<\/em> just to get two out.\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> The first is the hardest and the most exciting, though. So you have accomplished that great hurdle.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But PeggySue is sitting here, and you\u2019re no light weight!\u201430 books\u2014really?\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So how did you two get together and decide: \u201cLet\u2019s write a book together\u201d?\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> Okay, PeggySue tells it best.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, really?\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> Here\u2019s the thing: I was working as producer for a radio station up in Fort Wayne\u2014WBCL\u2014and\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Hoosiers! By the way, Hoosiers!\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> Exactly! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You know, I\u2019m a Hoosier as well, you know, going to college there.\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> Ball State?\u2014that\u2019s where you went?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> The <em>great<\/em> Ball State; the Harvard of the Midwest. [Laughter] Okay, go ahead!\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> Rah, rah!\n\nAs I was there, I was already familiar with Pam Farrel and Bill Farrel\/with their books. I\u2019d read them as I was married, and as I was raising my kids, and what-not. As a producer, I would book different authors. She was releasing books pretty regularly, and so they would come across my desk. She was <em>always<\/em> a <em>great <\/em>interview. There were a couple of times, where I would even have, \u201cOkay, we\u2019ve got this empty place,\u201d\u2014because, you know, somebody couldn\u2019t come at the last minute\u2014I would call Pam. \u201cPam, can you\u2026\u201d \u201cOh, yes!\u201d I mean, she was just ready all of the time. Every interview was great! Our listeners loved her. She would do a lot of Q&amp;A afterward.\n\nShe wrote this book about parenting, and it had all these <em>great<\/em> tips about parenting; I got a pile of these books. I\u2019m handing them out to the lady who does my hair; and I\u2019m just like, \u201cThis is such a good book! Everybody needs it!\u201d\n\nAnd then, you did the one about singles, you know? Then, I\u2019m like, \u201cWell, wait!\u201d You know, we\u2019ve got parenting; we\u2019ve got singles, and I happen to be a single mom. I kind of fought writing about it, because you get really vulnerable about it; and I didn\u2019t want to be known as that person.\n\nThen, somebody said, \u201cWell, how long?\u201d I said, \u201cWell, like 20 years I\u2019ve been a single mom.\u201d They said, \u201cWell, you have a lot of experience, so can you share <em>that<\/em>?\u201d I was like, \u201cYes, I can do that.\u201d I didn\u2019t want to do it by myself, so I went to Pam immediately for a couple of reasons; she was perfect for it! One is she\u2019s super-wise; she knows about parenting; she knows about that relationship with the Lord that it\u2019s all about; Pam was raised by a single mom.\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> Right! My parents\u2019 marriage fractured; and so I was raised, the end of my growing up years, by my awesome single mom, whom I call my hero. I definitely watched my siblings being raised, most of their childhood, by my single mom, whom I adore, Afton.\n\nPeggySue and I\/it was funny!\u2014like when I would be on the radio for <em>10 Best Decisions <\/em>[<em>Every<\/em>]<em> Parent Can Make<\/em>\u2014we would have these sidebar conversations for like\n\n30 minutes, just about single moms and the need to care for them and what churches could do\u2014because my husband was a pastor, and I was a director of women\u2019s ministry. Our hearts were bonded, probably, a decade before the opportunity came up to write <em>10 Best Decisions a Single Mom Can Make. <\/em>\n\n<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> And she asked me a really interesting question at one point; she was like, \u201cWhy don\u2019t you write with another single mom?\u201d And I said, \u201cBecause you came from that.\u201d What Pam shows is: \u201cThis is an experience; it\u2019s not your <em>identity<\/em>.\u201d\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> Amen.\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> Because you either are a single mom, or because you are raised by a single mom, that is just an experience that feeds into who you are and into the tapestry of your life; but it\u2019s <em>not <\/em>an identity. It\u2019s not a stamp, like, \u201cOh, you\u2019re never going to outgrow this.\u201d\n\nNow, [she] and Bill are traveling the world, helping people have really strong marriages; so I\u2019m like, \u201cYou\u2019re the one I want!\u201d I wouldn\u2019t let her go; she got on board. The information that she put into this book is so powerful, for the two of us writing together, because she has such great experience. I\u2019ve had people pick up this book; and they say, \u201cThere\u2019s such great parenting stuff in here!\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right, right!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So it\u2019s not just a single-parent book?\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> No! I\u2019ve had a lot of people come back and say, \u201cWe love it just for the parenting advice!\u201d What we did was\u2014we took from both of us\u2014because our kids are grown now\u2014everything that <em>worked<\/em>! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> That\u2019s right!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, that\u2019s good.\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> Only the stuff that worked! And then, we brought in some sidebar sisters\/other people who have walked that path. We took everything that was the <em>best <\/em>information that we can give you for that single mom and her family to be successful, and that\u2019s what we poured into the book.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, PeggySue, walk us through your past; because you have seven kids.\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> \u2014just seven. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Just\/only <em>seven<\/em>!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s all you have.\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> Just seven, yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Tell us about that. Becoming a single mom had to be an experience that was not easy.\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> It wasn\u2019t what I wanted. You know, you have that script in your head: \u201cThis is how my life\u2019s going to go...\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> My parents split up when I was young; so I had really thought, \u201cI\u2019m going to do this differently. I\u2019m going to do it\/you know, I\u2019m going to fix whatever problems; I\u2019m going to do this right.\u201d\n\nAnd then, 20 years into it\u2014the youngest was not 2; she was just a year old\u2014and their dad chose <em>out<\/em>. You know, we make choices; we choose whether we stay or go. So then, it was like, \u201cOkay.\u201d In one evening, I started that journey as a single mom. If I could go back and do it over again\u2014because I made <em>so many <\/em>slow changes that should have been done much faster\u2014the shame and the humiliation was kind of the hardest part to deal with.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> I kind of wanted to introduce you to the single mom today, if that\u2019s okay?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes!\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> But I\u2019d like to tell you who she is. Here\u2019s who the single mom is today, and this is who we wrote for:\n\nOne in four homes is single-mom led. Fifty percent of kids are expected to live in a single-parent home before age eighteen. Three-quarters of single moms have full-time careers. Less than half receive government assistance, and most of those only do until they can support their family on their own. Under half of them get any type of child support; those that do, get about $6,000 per year.\n\nForty percent of single moms are over forty. Eighty-five percent of them don\u2019t go to church. They\u2019re unchurched because they feel judged, and they feel not welcome at the church. Most feel alone, isolated, and judged\u2014but they\u2019re not alone\u2014because single moms\/there are 15 million solo moms raising 22 million kids.\n\nAnd she wishes that the cleaning fairy would stop in once a week, [Laughter] leave everything sparkling, with something delicious simmering in the oven.\n\nThat\u2019s why we wanted to write this book, too\u2014to say, \u201cWe\u2019ve got some ideas and some tips, so that we can help!\u201d\u2014so that, in all of the devastation that\u2019s going on, we can still raise some really solid kids, and some kids that are going to be able to go out there and make some really good decisions\u2014and some moms, who want to come alongside them and help them make those decisions.\n\nFor the majority of the moms, [who] are single moms, it\u2019s because of a separation or a divorce; so they didn\u2019t start out to raise a child by themselves. There\u2019s going to be sort of this crisis\/this trauma that hits. There\u2019s a sort of betrayal. It\u2019s not good news when you wind up with this relationship splitting; and so, when there\u2019s that break there, we enter into a trauma situation. The front part of our brain, which is the thinking part of our brain, God designed it that we go offline; it goes back to the part that\u2019s the fight, flight, or freeze.\n\nMost of these moms\/we stay there; we look at single moms around us, and we\u2019re like, \u201cWhat is she thinking?!\u201d I\u2019m sure people looked at me! I would look at myself in the mirror and say, \u201cWhat am I thinking?!\u201d Sometimes, you watch kids in that setting; and you are like, \u201cWhat are they thinking?!\u201d\u2014<em>they\u2019re not<\/em>!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> They\u2019re <em>not <\/em>thinking, because we\u2019re in this trauma situation; so we\u2019re not able to think and make good decisions when we most need to.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Are they just surviving?\u2014I mean, they\u2019re just getting through?\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> We are reacting, not responding.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, that\u2019s good.\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> And then, because of the setting\u2014you know, for some people, that split or that shift into being a single mom will be\u2014you know, we have a couple of odd years; and then we kind of get into the groove, and we move along.\n\nWith other people, it seems like the trauma and the upset\u2014and you know, the crisis\u2014goes on, and on, and on with every phone call; with every visit; with \u201cYou know, I have to get a new job\u201d; \u201cDo we have to relocate?\u201d \u201cDo we have to do visitations?\u201d \u201cDo we have to go to court?\u201d; \u201cDo we have to\u2026\u201d\u2014there are all these things that come. With each one of them that comes, that thinking part of your brain is not able to come online; you\u2019re still back here in the fight, flight, or freeze. That\u2019s where the moms and these kids are <em>living.<\/em>\n\nThat\u2019s why, when Pam and I put the book together, we were like, \u201cWe get this. We know this is where you are, so we\u2019re going to help you make the next <em>right <\/em>decision\/do the next <em>right <\/em>thing until, finally, that thinking part comes back online\u201d; and then you\u2019ll see those moms fly.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Pam, do you remember?\u2014you know, watching your mom sort of experience what PeggySue\u2019s saying.\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> Oh, yes!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Because when I hear that, I\u2019m like, \u201cOh, yes; that\u2019s what my mom went through.\u201d\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I mean, I didn\u2019t have words for it then; but now, as you say it, I\u2019m like, \u201cI was the kid watching this.\u201d\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> You\u2019ll see\u2014I mean, I\u2019m tearing up, even now, as I\u2019m thinking about the trauma my mom went through, if you have heard any of my story through any of those other books.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014those other 50 books?\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> I know! I\u2019m a first-born daughter\u2014alcoholic dad\/severe rage issues\u2014I always thought that our family would make the headlines; a <em>ton <\/em>of domestic violence in the home that I grew up in. But my mom\/she would put her Super Woman cape on and try to stand between us and the violence\u2014that\u2019s where she lived\u2014is in that state of trauma.\n\nNow, the upside is my dad\u2019s job kept him traveling five days a week; so it was only two days a week\u2014on the weekends\u2014that were like crazy, chaos, survival mode. That\u2019s how we survived for 17 years of the marriage. I was a freshman in college when my parents\u2019 marriage finally frayed apart.\n\nShe was living in a beautiful gated community, very wealthy. My dad was very successful at work, despite the fact that he was living out of the bottle and drinking all of the time. But he was so brilliant at what he did, he was able to function until he got home at night; and then the violence would appear.\n\nI got this phone call from my sister, begging me to come home; because she had left in the morning for school, and when she came home, my mom was still in her pajamas at the end of the day. She was sitting in the shower, cleaning the grout with a toothbrush; and she had been there all day. [Groaning] And my sister was like, \u201cSomething\u2019s wrong with mom. I think that her heart and her mind have broken.\u201d I said, \u201cI\u2019ll be right there; I\u2019ll be right there.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Pam, let me ask you: \u201cAt any point, were you kids saying, \u2018Mom! You need to get out. You need to get safe\u2019?\u201d\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> Yes; in fact, for probably a decade, we were saying, \u201cIt\u2019s okay, Mom;\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cif you need to leave, it\u2019s okay.\u201d She just had this core value of <em>wanting<\/em> the marriage to work.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; probably for you kids.\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> She did. She knew that, even if it were chaotic, that there was always this hope that dad would go to AA\/that dad would go to church with us\u2014because the four of us went to church\u2014my mom and the three siblings\/we all went to church. It was because my mom\u2019s best friend, Kathy, saw the chaos that we were living in, when I was about six or seven years old, and she invited us to come to church.\n\nThere, I met loving people like you all\u2014the Wilsons\u2014and I saw what love looked like. As a little girl, I said, \u201cI want to know the Author of love, Jesus.\u201d I made a decision for Christ when I was little, and I began reading the Bible. God fortified my life! He gave me hope and joy in the midst of chaos. My mom came to Christ right after that\/within that same year through being the craft lady at Vacation Bible School\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Ohh!\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> \u2014and hearing the Jesus stories through a child\u2019s eyes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Let me pause just for a second.\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Because I\u2019m thinking of all of us, who are scared to invite our neighbors to church, or to share the gospel\u2014or like, \u201cOh, will they be offended?\u201d\u2014<em>that\u2019s<\/em> what brought you guys <em>life<\/em>!\u2014\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> Exactly! Exactly.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014on this planet and in eternity.\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> It changed the course of our family tree!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; wow. So you give your life to Christ; this is beginning to transform your life\/your mom\u2019s life\u2014\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014but she\u2019s in that bathroom. Take us back to the grout.\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> Yes; I had come home from college. My mom and my sister\/they went to the doctor. This godly doctor said to my mom:\n\nAlright; you have a few choices here:\n\nYou can stay; and eventually, your husband may kill you.\n\nYou can stay; and you\u2019ll fracture, and you might kill him.\n\nYou can stay; and maybe one of your kids will get killed, and you won\u2019t be able to live with that; or your husband wouldn\u2019t be able to live with that.\n\nOr you can leave and get help with the <em>hope <\/em>that that will wake your husband up enough that he might reach out and get help, too.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> And when mom laid out all of those things in front of us, we said, \u201cThat\u2019s what we\u2019ve been trying to say, Mom.\u201d And my grandfather said, \u201cCome home, Afton. Bring the kids and come <em>home.<\/em>\u201d And so that\u2019s what we did; so she went back to a safe place.\n\nAnd that\u2019s a lot of what we encourage women: \u201cIf your life is in a hard spot, go back to the places, and the people, and the Bible verses that you know that you know that you know that you last heard the Word of God; because those are the safe places.\u201d\n\nMy grandparents then stepped in. My grandfather stepped in to be a great role model of what a dad looks like\u2014a healthy dad\u2014to help finish raising my siblings. That\u2019s the year I also met Bill, and we fell in love. The first time my parents saw each other [since the divorce] was at my wedding!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Whoa!\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> [Sarcastically] That was fun! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Her story is very much like yours, Dave.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; I mean, it\u2019s crazy how your story is <em>so<\/em> similar\u2014\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> \u2014wow; similar\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014to mine. I mean, I won\u2019t get into the details\u2014but the same thing\u2014my mom went to her parents\u2014\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014from New Jersey to Ohio.\n\nAnd PeggySue, you went through it as the mom; we were both the children.\n\nBut how do you dig out of that trauma? How does a single parent get their feet back? I know there\u2019s a different timeline for everybody. I watched my mom. What would yousay?\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> One of the things is to get a circle around you that is trustworthy and is strong. That is a hard thing to do; because when my children and I found ourselves by ourselves, the first thing that my kids said to me was, \u201cCan we not tell anyone?\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh! So they felt that shame as well.\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> They were totally ashamed! And my dad left when I was a kid. The thing that I internalized\u2014you know, we take facts, and we tell ourselves a story\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> \u2014the story I told myself about that was that I wasn\u2019t valuable enough for him to make the effort to stay together to be a family\/to stay, and be my dad, and raise me. I already had that: \u201cI\u2019m not valuable.\u201d I took that same story and, then, applied it when my husband left. I\u2019m like, \u201cOh, I\u2019m not valuable enough for him to want to hang out and make this thing work either.\u201d\n\nI think that\u2019s part of what played into my children; because they were like, \u201cWe are embarrassed!\u201d You know, things looked pretty okay from the outside; but we\u2019re embarrassed that we\u2019re this family that society calls a broken home. Let\u2019s be quite honest; the church hasn\u2019t known what to do\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> \u2014with single-mom families.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> They\u2019ve not felt really welcome there.\n\nIt was six months before my children, one at a time, found somebody in their circle that they felt comfortable enough to say\u2014because we had also hoped, you know, he\u2019d get himself together and come back!\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Sure.\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> \u2014and then, maybe, a lot of people wouldn\u2019t have to know; you know? That humiliation thing\/that shame thing was pretty big in our circle.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Were you going to church at the time?\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> I was.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay.\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> I completely was.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So you found your circle of people there?\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> Nope! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh! Interesting.\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> No; in fact, that was one of the places that we felt, probably, we didn\u2019t want them to know. It wasn\u2019t received really well.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Ohh!\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> I had one close friend in town, and then I had a best friend out in California; so you know, across the nation. Those were my two supports\u2014they knew, and I could call them and talk to them\u2014and they would help walk me through some things. And then, like I said, I let my kids, one at a time, choose someone. Most of them chose a teacher. I had kids, you know, from college on down; and they would choose somebody like that\u2014kind of a mentor in their life\u2014that they told.\n\nBut going back\/if I could go back and do things again, I would say, \u201cIf the church that I am in\u2014or that you are in\u2014isn\u2019t a place where you feel like you can be vulnerable, and be open, and get that support, I would say, \u2018Please look around in your community and find that somewhere.\u2019\u201d Because that just might not be the chosen place for you to be right now. There <em>is <\/em>a good church somewhere, who\u2019s going to understand you, and who is going to embrace you, and who will be that place like what Pam had when she was young, where: \u201cThis is what healthy family looks like!\u201d \u201cThis is what healthy relationships look like,\u201d and \u201cOh, yeah! We all need a Savior; nobody\u2019s life is perfect. You can be <em>not <\/em>perfect here.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Exactly.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I do remember, maybe a decade ago or so\u2014I\u2019ve been pastoring for 30 years; started the church\/so founder, with another couple\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And Dave and I had been doing a lot of marriage series.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; right.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So often, we would have singles come up to us and say, \u201cWe feel so left out; we\u2019re never addressed.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; I remember I felt led to, on the stage, say to the congregation: \u201cI apologize; I have let you down. If you\u2019ve felt like this church is a church, where single parents, blended families, divorced\u2014whatever\u201d\u2014I don\u2019t even use the word, \u201cbroken,\u201d\u2014\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> Right!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014but I had\u2014and I felt like I needed to start this sermon, which was a day on blended families, and say, \u201cI\u2019m sorry if you have ever felt that in this community; it\u2019s on me\/it\u2019s on us. We\u2019re going to change that!\u201d I couldn\u2019t <em>believe <\/em>the line of people that basically said, \u201cThank you for apologizing. Yes, we have felt that.\u201d\n\nI know I <em>felt<\/em> it, growing up in a single-parent home at the church! I would lay in bed at night and go, \u201cWhy me?\u201d\u2014you know\u2014\u201cWhy us?\u201d It was the same narrative I had in my head: \u201cDad didn\u2019t love me enough; he would have stayed if he did.\u201d And I know many single parents, listening right now, feel that; right?\n\n<strong>Pam:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>PeggySue:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> They feel unloved. I just want to say: \u201cYou are loved!\u201d and \u201cI hope somebody sees you\u201d; but we see you.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Our mission at FamilyLife is to see every home become a godly home. We recognize that every home has its challenges; every home is broken in some way. No matter your circumstances\/no matter what you\u2019re going through, FamilyLife exists to help point you toward healing and hope for your marriage and for your family.\n\nDave and Ann Wilson have been talking today with Pam Farrel and PeggySue Wells about single parenting and the challenges that come with single parenting. I\u2019m wondering if, during this conversation, perhaps God has brought to mind for you someone you know who\u2019s a single parent, whom you could reach out to and say, \u201cI see you. I understand what you\u2019re going through. I want to be here to help you.\u201d\n\nIn fact, maybe give them a copy of the book that Pam and PeggySue have written, called <em>The 10 Best Decisions a Single Mom Can Make: A Biblical Guide for Navigating Family Life on Your Own. <\/em>We\u2019d like to give you a copy of the book so you can pass it on to someone else. We\u2019re making the book available this week to any <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>listener who would reach out to help support the ministry of FamilyLife\/help us reach more people, more often, with practical biblical help and hope for their marriages and their families.\n\nIf you make a donation today, you can request a copy of the book, <em>The 10 Best Decisions a Single Mom Can Make. <\/em>We\u2019ll send it to you as your thank-you gift for your support. Donate online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call to donate at 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\nNow, I want to remind you we have just a couple of days left for you to be signed up to maybe be our guests on the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage cruise in February of 2022. We are excited that the cruise is happening again next February. We have a limited number of cabins still available; we\u2019re giving one of those cabins to a <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>listener. Here\u2019s what you have to do to be eligible to be entered in the drawing for the cabin: go to FamilyLifeToday.com and download the \u201cLove You Better\u201d kit. This is a project our team has put together: a 30-day journey to help all of us do a better job of loving one another in marriage. It\u2019s a free download; there\u2019s no purchase necessary. Void where prohibited. All of that legal stuff\u2019s on our website; you\u2019ll find it there.\n\nWhen you download the \u201cLove You Better\u201d kit, you\u2019re automatically entered in the drawing for the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> marriage cruise. All the details are available on our website, at FamilyLifeToday.com, so head there and check it out.\n\nAnd I hope you\u2019ll join us, again, tomorrow when we\u2019re going to hear from PeggySue Wells and Pam Farrel about how important it is for single moms to have the right mindset as they approach this very challenging task of raising kids on your own. That\u2019s what\u2019s on tap tomorrow; I hope you can be with us for that.\n\nOn behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll see you, again, tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry.\n\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. 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