{"id":306879,"date":"2021-06-09T07:00:06","date_gmt":"2021-06-09T11:00:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/dealing-with-mom-guilt\/"},"modified":"2021-06-09T07:00:06","modified_gmt":"2021-06-09T11:00:06","slug":"dealing-with-mom-guilt","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/dealing-with-mom-guilt\/","title":{"rendered":"Dealing With Mom Guilt"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Moms can experience continuous waves of guilt over their parenting. On today&#8217;s program, Becky Baudouin unmasks the lies so that moms may walk in the transformational grace of God.<\/p>\n<p>Show Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tRead the first 3 chapters of Becky&#8217;s book, Enjoy Every Minutehttps:\/\/www.beckybaudouin.com\/books.html<br \/>\n\tFollow Becky online at https:\/\/www.beckybaudouin.com\/ , on Instagram \u2013 https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/beckybaudouin, and on Facebook \u2013 https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/Becky.Baudouin.Author.Speaker<br \/>\nDownload FamilyLife&#8217;s new app! https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/<br \/>\n \tFind resources from this podcast at https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130.<br \/>\n \tCheck out all that&#8217;s available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.\u00a0 https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Moms can experience continuous waves of guilt over their parenting. On today&#8217;s program, Becky Baudouin unmasks the lies so that moms may walk in the transformational grace of God.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-06-09.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:28:56","filesize":"26.49M","filesize_raw":"27772099","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2838],"tags":[5048,6980,2209],"podcast_series":[8448],"cwp_profile":[9714],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306879","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-mothers","tag-motherhood","tag-mothering","tag-parenting","podcast_series-enjoy-every-minute","cwp_profile-becky-baudouin","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306879\/dealing-with-mom-guilt","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306879\/dealing-with-mom-guilt","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"3WrqEdPFTP\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/dealing-with-mom-guilt\/\">Dealing With Mom Guilt<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/dealing-with-mom-guilt\/embed\/#?secret=3WrqEdPFTP\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Dealing With Mom Guilt&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"3WrqEdPFTP\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Moms can experience continuous waves of guilt over their parenting. On today's program, Becky Baudouin unmasks the lies so that moms may walk in the transformational grace of God.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-06-09.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Alright, so I\u2019ve got two moms in the studio today. I\u2019m going to ask my wife, Ann, this question\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014first. It\u2019s: \u201cIf you had to think of one word, just one, to describe being a mom, the word would be\u2026\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, that\u2019s hard. I can\u2019t\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You don\u2019t have to take that long.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I know; I know: \u201cOverwhelming?\u201d I have to put the other one with it: \u201cGreat.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I thought you\u2019d say, \u201cBeautiful.\u201d \u201cOverwhelming\u201d is the first word? [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson. You can find at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s interesting\u2014there was a survey in 2014\u2014and I\u2019m going to ask you moms if this is true\u2014it said one in four working moms cry alone, at least, once a week.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I would say, even moms that are staying at home, are probably crying two times a week. I think both are super hard. But yes, I think that could be true for sure.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We\u2019ve got some help today.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019m so excited!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You are?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, I\u2019m so excited!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, tell the listeners who we\u2019ve got.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We have with us today Becky Baudouin, and she\u2019s written a book called <em>Enjoy Every Minute: And Other Ridiculous Things We Say to Moms<\/em>. [Laughter]\n\nBecky, welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> Thank you; I\u2019m excited to be here.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> All you moms out there, you\u2019re welcome. [Laughter] Because we\u2019re going to start talking about things that people have said to you\/that people have made you feel great about or guilty about, and we\u2019re going to tackle these issues.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; you\u2019re a mom of three?\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes, three daughters.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Three kids; how old are they?\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> Twenty-two, twenty, and fifteen.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What a great title.\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> Thank you.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Did you come up with that?\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> I did; I\u2019ve had this on my heart for a long time. I knew this was the title I wanted. Most people think it\u2019s funny.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Now that our kids are out of the house, yes, I do think that: \u201cYes, we do need to enjoy every minute.\u201d People used to always tell me that, though, when I was a young mom. What did you think when people said that to you as a young mom?\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> As a young, <em>overwhelmed<\/em> mom\u2014that would be the word I would pick when my kids were younger.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Wait; that would be your word?\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> But right now, I would say, \u201cTransforming\u201d; because I have been and am being transformed, as a mom, as I raise my kids. That kind of encompasses, I think, the wonderful, and the difficult, and all of it.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Obviously, the book is all these ridiculous sort of things that have been said. We can walk through many of them. Even the first one: \u201cEnjoy every minute, because time goes so fast,\u201d\u2014what is the thought\u2014of like, \u201cReally?\u201d\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes; it is because, like I\u2019m in the stage now, I have to stop myself from saying it; because, when I see moms with their little kids, especially little girls\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You feel it!\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> \u2014I just want to say, \u201cOh, my girls used to be that age. Enjoy it because it goes so fast.\u201d I can see that now. It\u2019s always moms, who are further down the road; and it\u2019s often in the grocery store is when they will tell you that.\n\nBut when I was in the grocery store with kids, and moms would say that to me, I would just think, \u201cI know; I know. I\u2019m supposed to be enjoying every minute. I know that it\u2019s going fast, or it\u2019s going to go fast; but it does not feel like it\u2019s going fast, and some moments are really awful; they\u2019re terrible!\u201d [Laughter]\n\nThe best thing about them is they\u2019re momentary, and you move through them; but you never hear moms of young children say this to other moms of young children, ever. It\u2019s something that is\/it\u2019s when you\u2019re looking back on it that you see that.\n\nThere\u2019s 12 clich\u00e9s or myths in the book\u2014well-intentioned; there\u2019s a nugget of truth in most of them\u2014but I had so much fun picking them apart a little bit, and using some humor, and then digging deeper to kind of find: \u201cWhat do moms really need to hear?\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s really good. What else did you say in this chapter of \u201cEnjoy Every Minute\u201d?\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> One of the things\u2014the Scripture foundation for this first chapter, and then for really the whole book and the view of motherhood that I really want us to really take hold of\u2014is Psalm 84; and verses 5-7 says, \u201cBlessed are those whose strength is in You, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.\u201d I love that phrase, so I really am encouraging moms to view motherhood as a pilgrimage. It\u2019s a little\u2014we talk about it being a journey\u2014but a pilgrimage is a long trip with a spiritual significance. I think that is a great definition for motherhood and for parenting.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> With that comes an awareness that it\u2019s lifelong: we don\u2019t have to figure everything out today; we don\u2019t have to fix every problem right now.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s good, just in and of itself; because when you\u2019re in it, you feel like this is the hardest\/the biggest thing you\u2019ll ever face.\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You feel overwhelmed by the decision making and what you\u2019re\u2014it could be potty training\u2014but you\u2019re just in it. And to realize, \u201cOh, this is just a phase; it\u2019s just part of that journey,\u201d\u2014\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> \u201cIt\u2019s part of the journey\u201d; yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014is a good reminder.\n\nThen the verse continues, \u201cAs they pass through the Valley of Baca.\u201d What\u2019s the Valley of Baca?\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> I talk about the Valley of Tears\/the Valley of Weeping.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s what it means.\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes; but it says: \u201cThey make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength till each appears before God in Zion.\u201d\n\nThis Psalm is so beautiful. It\u2019s the Psalm that talks about dwelling in the presence of God. The idea with this is just, as we pass through even the valleys of motherhood and parenting, they can become places of springs; because God is with us. We hold the long view. There\u2019s also then this expectation that we\u2019re going to go through hills and valleys. I think part of what makes motherhood hard is thinking, \u201cIt\u2019s not supposed to be this hard,\u201d\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> \u2014looking around and thinking\u2014\u201cEverybody else seems like they\u2019re doing just fine; what\u2019s wrong with me?\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, especially on social media, like, \u201cThese women have it together.\u201d\n\nWalk us back to <em>your<\/em> beginning of being a mom. What did it look like for you? Did you feel overwhelmed?\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> I felt overwhelmed in the sense that I never felt like I was ever going to be caught up again with anything. It\u2019s like always this feeling of just never being able to catch up.\n\nBut I remember just the expectation part of it. I wanted to be a mom; I was so happy to finally become a mom. We lost our first baby; so by the time we had Katelyn, I was so ready and just couldn\u2019t wait. Then the disappointment, I think, of seeing some of the things in myself; I wasn\u2019t the mom that I imagined I would be. I never thought I would be perfect, but I certainly didn\u2019t think I would be angry.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Did you ever have this thought: \u201cWho am I?!\u201d \u201cWhat have I become?!\u201d I never\/I don\u2019t think I ever really yelled; and then I could see myself: I remember going to church, and I was yelling to the kids in the minivan. Dave, of course, is the pastor; and he\u2019s already there. I see myself, in the rearview mirror, yelling; and I thought, \u201cWhat has happened to me?!\u201d Then, I have this thought of: \u201cMy kids have done this to me.\u201d Then it goes deeper; and think, \u201cNo, you are really messed up.\u201d\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Then you feel this sense of shame or guilt even. Do you think most moms come to that point of feeling like, \u201cWhat\u2019s happened?\u201d\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes; and I think that some of these\u2014even with \u201cI should be enjoying every minute,\u201d\u2014there\u2019s this internal dialogue that we all have. But some of those well-intentioned things people say, or that we think, turns into really negative self-talk\/like some of the things you just said: \u201cI\u2019m really messed up,\u201d \u201cWhat is wrong with me? I shouldn\u2019t be this way,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m the pastor\u2019s wife; I shouldn\u2019t be struggling,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m a Christian; I shouldn\u2019t be getting angry like this.\u201d\n\nThen we can talk about mom guilt, too; because that is just\/I knew I wanted to talk about that in the book. It\u2019s something that most moms would say they deal with on a daily basis. I don\u2019t know what it\u2019s like for dads.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I was just going to say\u2014\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> Do dads have dad guilt?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014I was just going to say, \u201cIs mom guilt different from dad guilt?\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I don\u2019t know.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Explain what mom guilt is, and I\u2019ll tell you if it\u2019s the same.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Go ahead, Becky.\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> First of all, I knew I wanted to hear from other moms on this; so I put it out on social media and thought, \u201cI\u2019ll ask moms to chime in and say, \u2018What kinds of things do you feel guilty about, as a mom, and what does it sound like in your head?\u2019\u201d\n\nI thought I would get a lot of comments, and there would be this really engaging online conversation. What I found is that none of the moms wanted to talk about it publically.\n\nBut I invited them to private message me; and my inbox was flooded with very raw, honest\u2014I put a lot of them in the book.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Way to go: they private message you, but then you put it in the book.\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> Oh, I absolutely asked for permission; and none of their names are put in there.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I know; I\u2019m kidding.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Let\u2019s hear what some of those sounded like.\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> What I found is moms feel guilty over almost everything\/a lot of things that are outside of their control. Young moms, or moms of young children, were saying: \u201cI feel guilty that they don\u2019t sleep well,\u201d \u201cMy baby\u2019s not sleeping through the night,\u201d \u201cThey don\u2019t eat well,\u201d or \u201cThey get sick.\u201d I remember feeling so bad that I let my daughter get an ear infection\u2014that\u2019s how I took it on myself\u2014that I had somehow allowed this.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Now, do moms feel that?\u2014like it\u2019s your fault.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, yes; absolutely.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Your daughter got an ear infection; it\u2019s <em>not<\/em> your fault.\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> I know. Now, in my head now, I know that that\u2019s\u2014I\u2019ll just say it\u2019s irrational\u2014it\u2019s not true; but in the moment, you think you have more control than what you do; so when things like that happen, it\u2019s just this sense of: \u201cIt must be my fault.\u201d\n\nThen your kids get a little older; and maybe they\u2019re not behaving well; or they start to struggle; maybe they struggle socially or in school. Then they even get a little bit older than that, and you start to see things; and you just feel guilty about everything. I even had several moms said, \u201cI feel guilty that I can\u2019t provide a sibling for my only child.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Wow!\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> That\u2019s certainly something that we\u2019re not in control over.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> Then I had moms, who were in the empty nest season of life, who still were feeling guilty about so many things as their kids left home.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Regrets\/then it turns into regrets.\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Or if they see their kids maybe taking a wrong path, they put it all on themselves, like: \u201cWhat did I do?\u201d and \u201cMy friend\u2019s kids are super successful, and my kid is still living at home. It must be me.\u201d\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes, comparing your kids to other people\u2019s kids.\n\nThen I also saw that there was a progression from what I would call guilt into shame.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Explain that.\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> The guilt that I would hear sounded like: \u201cI yelled at my child; I shouldn\u2019t have done that,\u201d \u201cI lost my temper,\u201d \u201cI hurt my child; I need to apologize.\u201d\n\nShame sounded like: \u201cI\u2019m a horrible mother,\u201d \u201cMy kids deserve better than to have a mom like me. They\u2019d be better off with someone else.\u201d That\u2019s a really dangerous level of shame.\n\nOne of the things that I got from that was I think there is a difference. I think it\u2019s important to identify: \u201cAre we feeling true guilt?\u201d or \u201cAre we feeling shame?\u201d The way that I would break this down is: true guilt, some people would call it conviction or godly sorrow in Scripture. I\u2019m going off of 2 Corinthians 7:10 that says, \u201cGodly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.\u201d\n\nTrue guilt is something we <em>want<\/em> to feel. When I do something wrong\u2014when I lose my temper and yell at my child\u2014I want to feel guilt. I want to feel like\/we want our kids to feel guilty when they do something wrong. We want to know that we\u2019ve done something wrong: we want to repent, ask for forgiveness from God, the person who we hurt, and do the repair work that needs to be done.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That can be a conviction of God\u2019s Spirit.\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It can be a healthy thing; so then we automatically: \u201cI\u2019m sorry. I shouldn\u2019t have done that,\u201d and then, that\u2019s it: we give it to God; we repent; we turn the other way.\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But the shame part is: \u201cI\u2019m a messed-up parent.\u201d\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> Exactly.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s an identity.\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> So then guilt is about what I did, and I think the shame is more about who I am.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, did you ever feel that? Can you think of a time that you felt that?\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> Oh, yes. I felt like\/growing up in my home, anger was out of control. Someone actually said to me, \u201cYou interned in the school of anger.\u201d I never had thought of it that way; but that was\/as much as I didn\u2019t want to become an angry mother, when that started coming out, and I began to really see that underneath my anger was fear.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014which that alone is really insightful; because we\u2019ve all heard: \u201cAnger is a second emotion.\u201d You track back and now you realize, \u201cOh, my first emotion was fear.\u201d\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes, it\u2019s been so helpful to be able to then take my fear to God and be honest: \u201cWhat am I really afraid of?\u201d Often, it\u2019s something I don\u2019t even have control over.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s interesting\u2014when you talk about the second emotion\u2014again, like Ann said, you go right back to fear. Most of us\u2014like I never did\u2014I was like yelling until I understood it was connected to something. I remember, as I was studying this and learning this, because I had some anger that was inappropriate\u2014I mean, not hitting or\u2014just yelling. I studied it a little bit.\n\nAnother first emotion we skip over, especially as a parent, is frustration. I remember trying to fix my dryer; and my son, CJ, comes down. What is he?\u2014six?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014not even.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014five\/four? He wants to help Daddy. I\u2019m like, \u201cOkay, just take this little screw head and screw this thing in.\u201d He couldn\u2019t do it; it kept falling off the thing. At first, I was so gentle; I was like, \u201cOh,\u201d\u2014I remember thinking\u2014\u201cThis is so cool; Dad and son.\u201d But as he kept missing the head of the screw, I\u2019m like, \u201cCJ, just put it on. CJ!\u201d Next thing I knew, I\u2019m sort of yelling.\n\nHe\/literally, I just feel his little body crawl out; he\u2019s headed upstairs. There I am, laying in the lint. I remember hearing his little footsteps go upstairs; and I\u2019m like, \u201cOh, my goodness. He\u2019s going to remember Dad as an angry man.\u201d I remember thinking, \u201cI\u2019ve got to get a handle on where this anger is coming from.\u201d\n\nIt was everything you\u2019re talking about\u2014it\u2019s just like, \u201cEnjoy every minute,\u201d\u2014when it\u2019s crazy, and it\u2019s chaos, you\u2019re frustrated. Yet, that\u2019s where we live, as moms and dads; isn\u2019t it?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We\u2019re just\/they get the anger part; and we never connect it to, like you said, fear: maybe at what you\u2019re doing with your kids, or how they\u2019re going to turn out, or frustration; or even emotional hurt is another one.\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But that\u2019s insightful that you were able to pull that out, as a mom: \u201cI\u2019m afraid!\u201d\n\n<strong>Becky: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Take us back to that then. You realized you were feeling afraid as a young mom. That was displaying itself in anger. Then what happened? How did you figure the rest out?\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> For me, the grace of God is so transformative. What that means is that, even in the middle of a moment that is going very badly\u2014because I am getting angry\/I\u2019m expressing my anger in a way that\u2019s hurtful\u2014the more sensitive I become to the work of the Holy Spirit; and also other moms that I\u2019m friends with, and I know their stories, and I know how they have been wounded\u2014sometimes that pops into my mind and gives me insight. To be able to just, in the moment or shortly after, go back and own it; and ask for forgiveness.\n\nI tell the story in the book of the first time I remember getting angry with my oldest daughter, Kate. She was six months old, and she\u2019d gotten this ear infection. I remember giving\/squirting the medicine in her mouth, and she spit it all out. I lost it! I grabbed the frying pan that still had our scrambled eggs in it; I threw it in the sink; I slammed the doors. Then I caught her, out of the corner of my eye; she was just stunned; she was just looking at me. I remember thinking, \u201cOh, I totally lost it. But she\u2019s so young; she\u2019ll never remember, and I never do it again.\u201d [Laughter] That was how I lived my early years, just thinking, \u201cI think I could really pull this off and be almost perfect if I just keep trying; and maybe, they won\u2019t remember.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Did you\/I prayed that: \u201cPlease, Jesus, let them forget all of this.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Becky: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Becky<\/strong>: Then fast forward 15\/16 years; now she\u2019s a teenager. We\u2019re fighting\/you know, butting heads. I remember one day in her room, and it was fear underneath. I saw something that she was looking at; it was actually a story that her teacher had asked her to read for school. I walked in, and saw on the iPad some words; and I just flipped out; I\u2019m like, \u201cWhat are you reading?!\u201d She\u2019s like, \u201cIt\u2019s for school.\u201d I\u2019m like\/well, then I\u2019m even more upset and walked out of her room; I slammed the door.\n\nI like to slam doors. I can\u2019t anymore; because we re-did our kitchen, and now we have soft-close doors. [Laughter] I really try not to slam doors. 8But I slammed her door and this picture frame fell off the wall; it\u2019s a cherished frame of pictures of her and her sister. I opened the door; said, \u201cI\u2019m so sorry.\u201d It didn\u2019t break; we hung it back up. I said, \u201cI\u2019m so sorry. I\u2019ll never do it again.\u201d\n\nThen, a couple of months later, we had an even bigger fight. I left her room; I slammed the door. As soon as the door left my fingers, I had that regret.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You remembered.\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> I just cringed. The door slammed. I heard the picture frame fall again. My daughter yelled, \u201cYou broke my frame!\u201d\n\nI just thought, 15 years of like: \u201cI\u2019m trying, but I keep doing the same thing.\u201d That was a defining moment, really, just in the sense of: \u201cI\u2019ve got to really look at this. What\u2019s underneath my anger?\u2014because I\u2019m really hurting the people that I love the most.\u201d\n\nA couple of days later, she came to me and said, \u201cWill you help me fix my frame?\u201d We sat at the dining room table, and we put some wood filler in the crack of the frame. We put some stain over it.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Go back and share the conversation that you had with your daughter about that\/about your anger. Did you talk to her about it?\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> I did. I came back: I said I was sorry; I said I was wrong. The problem was that I had done it a couple of months ago and said I wouldn\u2019t do it again. She was angry, and she was so hurt. There was this: \u201cYou can say you\u2019re sorry; but if you\u2019re going to keep doing it\u2026\u201d\n\nI think that\u2019s what can be so frustrating as a parent. It\u2019s not like we just mess up once, and then are able to fix it, and not do it again; we\u2019ve\/I think so many of us feel like, \u201cI keep just doing the same thing over and over again.\u201d\n\nFor me, the grace came when we came to the table, and we sat together, and we were repairing the frame. I just thought, \u201cThis is what God is doing in our relationship. That\u2019s what His grace looks like. We are not going to get it right every time. We are not going to always be about to change completely, or as quickly as we would like to, but we keep doing the work; we keep coming back to the table; we keep saying we\u2019re sorry; we keep showing up; we get help to understand what\u2019s going on.\n\nI was doing all of that work and trying to understand. There has been growth. I still get angry, but I don\u2019t think that I do the same things that I did before. And the best thing I can do is, when I know that I have messed up again, is come back and humbly own it; and say I\u2019m sorry; and ask God for forgiveness; and then do the repair work in the relationship.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, I love that your daughter came to you. It says that she trusts you\u2014\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014even that she would ask you to fix the frame with her. It shows that you have a good relationship with her.\n\nBut that part, even in parenting, of going deep into the shame\u2014I have felt that\u2014where I have turned it from: \u201cI did something wrong,\u201d to \u201cI am so messed up; I am so broken.\u201d We know that there is an enemy of our soul, who loves\/he\u2019s called the accuser, the accuser of the brethren. Sometimes, I get discouraged of how often I went there and I believed him. I would agree, like: \u201cI know; I <em>am<\/em> broken. I <em>am<\/em> messed up. I <em>am<\/em> going to mess up my kids.\u201d\n\nI think our Father, who\u2019s like, \u201cOh Ann,\u201d\u2014it is the gospel\u2014\u201cI\u2019ve come to give you hope and grace because of the cross. I\u2019ve set you free from the whys, and you don\u2019t have to go down that same path.\u201d Will I continue to mess up?\u2014probably; and hopefully I\u2019m getting better, because I\u2019m seeking Jesus. I\u2019m asking Him, also, \u201cLord, what\u2019s underneath all of that?\u201d\n\nI do love Psalm 139. I\u2019ll never forget\u2014I have a friend, who\u2019s super confident as a young mom\u2014where I was thinking, \u201cMy kids would probably be better off if So-and-so was raising them.\u201d I remember she said, \u201cNo, I don\u2019t think that! I think that God put my kids under my roof, because He\u2019s already equipped me; He formed me. Psalm 139: \u2018For You formed my inward parts. You knitted me together in my mother\u2019s womb.\u2019\u201d She said, \u201cWhen God formed me, He knew the children that I would be raising.\u201d Some are adopted; some are biological. She said, \u201cI\u2019m confident, everything in me, even the messed-up parts, God\u2019s going to use for His glory.\u201d\n\n<strong>Becky:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I was like, \u201cOh! I need to have that. I need to have: \u2018Lord, You knew me before I was created, and You know my weaknesses. You know my strengths, and You know that You\u2019ve already given me inside what I need to raise these kids under Your roof.\u2019\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>All of us, as parents, know our flaws\/our failings. I think it\u2019s easy for moms to pull back and think, \u201cI\u2019m ruining my kids.\u201d Yet, God\u2019s grace is sufficient in our weaknesses. We just need to keep crying out to God.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nDave and Ann Wilson have been talking to Becky Baudouin, the author of a book called <em>Enjoy Every Minute: And Other Ridiculous Things We Say to Moms<\/em>. We are making that book available this week to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners, those of you who can help support this ministry with a donation. Your support of <em>Family Life Today<\/em> makes this kind of practical encouragement available, day in and day out, for moms and dads\/husbands and wives, as we seek to effectively develop godly marriages and families.\n\nYour investment in FamilyLife is really an investment in the next generation of families, who are coming to us for help and hope for their marriage and family. When you make a donation today, we\u2019d love to send you a copy of Becky Baudouin\u2019s book, <em>Enjoy Every Minute: And Other Ridiculous Things We Say to Moms. <\/em>You can donate online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call to donate: 1-800-FL-TODAY is the number. Again, the website to donate is FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d Thanks, in advance, for your support of this ministry.\n\nHave you ever had somebody say to you, \u201cListen, God is not going to give you more that you can handle\u201d; and you think, \u201cI can\u2019t handle this\/what I\u2019m going through, I can\u2019t handle it\u201d? Well, tomorrow, Dave and Ann Wilson will continue their conversation with Becky Baudouin. They\u2019ll talk about how we should think rightly about the challenges that come our way and whether it\u2019s more than we can handle or not. I hope you can tune in for that.\n\nOn behalf of our hosts Dave and Ann Wilson, I am Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry.\n\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\n<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/306879","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=306879"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=306879"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=306879"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=306879"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=306879"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=306879"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=306879"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}