{"id":306867,"date":"2021-06-03T07:00:05","date_gmt":"2021-06-03T11:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/speaking-life-to-our-spouses\/"},"modified":"2021-06-03T07:00:05","modified_gmt":"2021-06-03T11:00:05","slug":"speaking-life-to-our-spouses","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/speaking-life-to-our-spouses\/","title":{"rendered":"Speaking Life to Our Spouses"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Our tongues have so much power to build up or tear down.  Dave and Ann Wilson remind us that one of the most important things in a marriage is choosing to speak life to our spouses.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-06-03.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:26:23","filesize":"24.16M","filesize_raw":"25330853","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2082],"tags":[4527],"podcast_series":[8446],"cwp_profile":[3647],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306867","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","tag-communication","podcast_series-happy-couples-speak-life","cwp_profile-dave-and-ann-wilson","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306867\/speaking-life-to-our-spouses","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306867\/speaking-life-to-our-spouses","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"WsIsuOrpsC\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/speaking-life-to-our-spouses\/\">Speaking Life to Our Spouses<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/speaking-life-to-our-spouses\/embed\/#?secret=WsIsuOrpsC\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Speaking Life to Our Spouses&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"WsIsuOrpsC\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Our tongues have so much power to build up or tear down. Dave and Ann Wilson remind us that one of the most important things in a marriage is choosing to speak life to our spouses.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-06-03.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann<\/strong>: What do you wish you would have known before our wedding day? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014about marriage? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> The first thought is that we wouldn\u2019t be as intimate, like every day. [Laughter] That\u2019s the first thing that came to my mind! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>What?!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Actually, honestly, that it would be\/there would be times I would be so frustrated, and marriage was so hard. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And you didn\u2019t expect that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> No. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I would say, \u201cI wish I had known my feelings come and go\u2014that that\u2019s normal\u2014and that\u2019s okay.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWelcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife<\/em>\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014<em>Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, you know, the fun thing is: today, we get to talk about marriage. It\u2019s our passion, to be able to\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It is our passion, because we\u2019ve both been frustrated that we were never taught these things. We were never taught God\u2019s Word about why we get married. We have all the schooling and training, for years, of how to have a vocation; but how many years did you have learning how to be a husband? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I went to a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> conference, and that was it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That was great, though. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It was awesome; and I actually thought, \u201cIt can\u2019t be anything like what they say.\u201d It was exactly like what FamilyLife teaches\u2014and now we now teach\u2014so let\u2019s talk about marriage. We get to help people and say, \u201cOkay; here are some things I wish I had known.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe first thing is this: As you think about marriage, it\u2019s awesome! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It is awesome,\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s wonderful! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014fun. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s incredible, and it\u2019s really difficult. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I mean, I remember going to New York City with you. We drove from Michigan for this vacation\u2014never really had spent any time in Manhattan\u2014went to Broadway shows. I mean, I remember the food was great. Making love was great. I don\u2019t see you smiling; you don\u2019t think any of that was true? [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I just\/like, \u201cReally? Is this where we\u2019re going?\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It was great! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You\u2019re right; everything was amazing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Then we have moments in our marriage that were really, really hard\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014like the day we drove to see Cody play football at Northern Illinois; and on the way back to the airport, you called me a jerk. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, and here is the thing\u2014you were mean and short with me all day\u2014and we had to do a marriage message at church the next day. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014the next morning. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I was so upset that I looked at you\u2014and I know we are never supposed to do this\u2014you\u2019re supposed to say, \u201cI <em>feel<\/em> really frustrated\u201d; but it didn\u2019t come out like that that day. I said, \u201cYou have been the biggest jerk this entire day.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, it was a great moment in our marriage. And then, when we got up to speak the next morning, we were still in a fight. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019ll tell you what: here is what we want to talk about today\u2014it sort of relates to that story\u2014and it\u2019s this truth: \u201cEvery couple has a power in their marriage. This isn\u2019t just marriage; this is in any family or church\/any relationship. There is a power in our hands for good or for evil, and it\u2019s extremely powerful. It\u2019s a weapon that we carry, and no one seems to talk about it that often.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We had no idea how important this would be. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019m going to read you a verse in Proverbs 18, and you will see this power is powerful. Proverbs 18; Solomon wrote this: \u201cThe tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.\u201d I mean, it\u2019s amazing. You break this verse down: you\u2019ve got\u2014our words\/the tongue\u2014our words have power. Power means the ability to change for good or bad. Whenever we speak, it has the power of life, which is to build up, to encourage, to affirm; and it has the power of death, which is to tear down, to discourage, to critique. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen it says, \u201cThose who love it will eat its fruit.\u201d In other words, those who understand the power that they have in their words\/in their tongue will benefit. They\u2019ll be very, very careful about how they use their words. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s interesting\u2014I remember asking our kids; I think they were in high school\/middle school when I asked them this question of\u2014\u201cWhat kind of words do we most often speak in our house? Are they words of life, or are they words of death?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That, by the way, that\u2019s a great question to ask your kids. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019m telling you\u2014all of our kids had a different answer\u2014it was super convicting to me, because they weren\u2019t all positive. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> They said, \u201cMy dad\u2019s words were life,\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Probably. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cand Mom\u2019s [words] were death.\u201d [Laughter] No, they didn\u2019t say that at all; it\u2019s a mixture. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; I\u2019ve really had to learn this over the years, because we all grow up in different homes. We just throw out words: we can be flippant with our words; we can accuse one another; we can call each other names. I was not careful with my words when we got married. I feel like I really hurt you\u2014I continually nagged you; I was continually critiquing you\u2014I didn\u2019t call you names. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Nope. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> But I think my words were death to you so often. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We all do that at different times. I remember, though, you learned\/we both learned the power of life words: they encourage; they build up; they\u2019re a magnet\u2014people want to be around people who speak life\u2014people run <em>away<\/em> from people who speak death. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I was on this mission\u2014like first of all, the power doesn\u2019t come from me just mustering up, because that lasts for about an hour\u2014the power comes from the Holy Spirit living and abiding within us. I was praying, \u201cFather God, one of the fruit of the Spirit that you talk about is self-control; so help me to control my words.\u201d What I also realized was\u2014it was beginning in my head\u2014my words weren\u2019t just coming out of nowhere. They were coming up from what I had already stored up in my head\/in my thoughts about you; so then, they just flowed out. I was on this mission, like, \u201cLord, help me, first of all, just stop before I speak and think through what I\u2019m about to say.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019ll remember this\u2014and we\u2019ve shared this before in our book, <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em>\u2014you came home from a long day of preaching, and you had been with the Lions on the sideline; you were exhausted. You were complaining that you\u2019d been getting critiqued about your message and preaching. You\u2019re like, \u201cMan, I\u2019m getting all these critiques; and people seem to not like my preaching right now.\u201d You were kind of going on. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI almost said this\u2014it was right on the tip of my tongue\u2014and I almost said, \u201cWell, if you would just spend more time in the Word, your messages would probably be way better\u201d; [Laughter] but I didn\u2019t! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I never heard that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t say that, which\u2014think about this, you guys\u2014what would <em>that<\/em> have been like if I had said that to you? You would have been <em>devastated<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; this was at 11 o\u2019clock at night, by the way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So I pray. As soon as you say that, I\u2019m like, \u201cLord, should I say that?\u201d The answer is \u201cNo, you should not say that.\u201d Then my next question was, \u201cLord, should I say anything?\u201d Even sometimes, it\u2019s better to say <em>nothing<\/em> than something bad; so \u201cLord, should I say anything?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis thought popped into my head; and I said to you, \u201cMan, I can\u2019t imagine what it\u2019s like for <em>you<\/em>. You have the weight of thousands of people\u2019s spiritual lives in your hand, and you feel responsible for so many of us. That\u2019s a heavy burden to carry.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; I remember you saying that; and I remember I just pulled you close and said, \u201cYou are my life.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Again, in that moment, I didn\u2019t realize you were speaking words of life; but I do remember feeling like, \u201cYou\u2019re my partner. You understand. You believe in me. You trust me.\u201d Again, I\u2019m look back at what Solomon said\u2014\u201cYou spoke powerful words of life,\u201d\u2014that the only feeling I had in that moment was: \u201cYou\u2019re my life. I can\u2019t go through life without you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> When you pulled me to yourself, and you just whispered that in my ear\u2014\u201cYou are my life,\u201d\u2014I mean, I was teary that night; because I thought, \u201cWhat if I would have said the other thing?!\u201d That would have <em>devastated<\/em> you, and it would have created a <em>chasm<\/em> between us. So I thought, \u201cOh!\u201d It made me realize, \u201cI have so much power; I need to be careful and wield it carefully.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And here is the amazing thing: what was the result?\u2014the next day and the next week, I\u2019m in the Word, studying to preach better; and you never said that; but because you spoke like, it was <em>motivating<\/em> to me to say, \u201cYou know, I want to step up and be better.\u201d That\u2019s what life words do: they motivate; they encourage; they lift up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s a truth for every couple\u2014write this down\u2014seriously, write this down\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> If you are in your car\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014wherever\u2014put it in your phone. This is just a simple truth: \u201cHappy or healthy couples choose to speak life to their spouse,\u201d\u2014okay?\u2014\u201cHealthy or happy couples choose to speak life to their spouse.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I\u2019ve got to tell you something. This idea of a healthy or happy couple comes from a book by Shaunti Feldhahn called <em>The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And we love Shaunti. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, yes; she is great\u2014she and her husband Jeff\u2014and they studied marriages. They said, \u201cWe want to find the best of the best marriages and find out what habits they have.\u201d By the way, you can get this book at FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014<em>The Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages<\/em>\u2014go get it right now; it\u2019s fascinating. One of them is the power of the tongue and how couples that are really happy and healthy choose to speak life\u2014not death\u2014speak life to their spouse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, I\u2019m not saying, \u201cEvery second of every day is a life word\u201d; but man, like Ann said, you\u2019ve got to stop often and sort of zip your lip and say, \u201cI\u2019m not going to speak this death word; I\u2019m going to speak life.\u201d I really believe it comes out of Ephesians 4:29, where Paul wrote this\u2014very interesting verse\u2014he says, \u201cDo not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay\u2014just that right there\u2014like if we lived that out, it would change our homes! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, it\u2019s really interesting. The word, \u201cunwholesome,\u201d means rotting or spoiled fish. He is basically saying, \u201cDon\u2019t let any rotting or spoiled fish talk come out your mouths.\u201d Then he says this: \u201cBut only what is helpful for building others up, according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen,\u201d which is crazy. It\u2019s like, \u201cDon\u2019t let foul, profane, worthless, vulgar words ever come out of your mouth.\u201d Again, it\u2019s a <em>choice<\/em>! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI can remember being in the Lions\u2019 locker room; and I heard some foul, profane, vulgar words every day in that locker room from players and coaches. I remember one coach could barely get through a sentence without dropping profanity. Then you had some time with his wife\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, I happened to be with his wife one day. She was awesome\u2014and so was this coach\/was awesome\u2014we loved both of them. She was saying, \u201cYou know, I just feel so bad that some of these coaches\/their language is so foul, and they are just using it in front of all these players all the time. I\u2019m <em>so glad<\/em> that my husband doesn\u2019t talk like that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, you had just come home and told me that he does. I didn\u2019t say anything; but I thought, \u201cOh, that\u2019s so interesting that he talks like that at work; but at home, he isn\u2019t.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> He chose. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So he\u2019s <em>choosing<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> He is making a choice\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014which, again, shows we can <em>choose<\/em> how we speak\u2014whether profanity, or slander, or gossip\u2014or speaking life or death in our home. Again, happy or healthy couples\/they make a choice: \u201cI\u2019m going to speak life.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, here is the question: \u201cSo I never speak hard words or truth words?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, that would bother me right now. As a listener, I\u2019m thinking, \u201cOh, okay; so I\u2019m like Pollyanna?\u201d\u2014\u201cYou\u2019re awesome,\u201d\u2014and you\u2019re just saying that all the time\u2014<em>no<\/em>! We do speak words of truth\u2014but the key is the way we package them is really important\u2014because we can deliver the same message in a way that can be received or rejected. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf\u2014because I\u2019ve done all of that\u2014[Laughter]\u2014I\u2019ve come at you with like: \u201cYou need to do this,\u201d and \u201cYou\u2019re failing at this.\u201d I\u2019m one of those people: I want to say it right now, right here. To use self-control: \u201cNo, I\u2019m going to wait a little bit. I\u2019m going to pray. I\u2019m not going to bombard you when you walk in the door.\u201d All of those things are really important. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> If the only thing that your spouse is hearing is death words or critique\u2014and then you try to speak the truth in love, like Ephesians 4:15 says, \u201cSpeak the truth in love,\u201d\u2014they are probably not going to respond, because that\u2019s all they hear. But if you are depositing life words\u2014positive words, encouraging words, lifting-up words\u2014a lot more than negative, many studies say it takes five positive words to counteract <em>one<\/em> negative. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So here is the thing: if you are depositing positive, life words, and then you have to speak the truth in love\u2014a hard truth\u2014are they are going to receive it better? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, because they are feeling like you are bringing life most of the time; and then you speak a hard truth. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I like, too, what we said:\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWe are getting rid of words that, one, demean.\u201d Really, when you say a demeaning word\u2014would be words that are saying, \u201cYou don\u2019t really matter,\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014and then words that are degrading, and what you are saying by degrading words is: \u201cYou don\u2019t really measure up,\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014and then disrespectful words; that\u2019s communicating, \u201cYou aren\u2019t worthy of my respect.\u201d All of us are worthy because we are image-bearers of God. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; when you go back to that verse, you speak words that are helpful. Paul said, \u201c\u2026for building others up, according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.\u201d I love the construction site words\u2014it\u2019s like a building\u2014and you build\/you construct to build things up. When you\u2019re done with a conversation, or you walk out of the family room, what are they feeling?\u2014are they feeling torn down?\u2014or are they feeling built up? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, see, this is good: to think that our words are a construction site. I\u2019m thinking about that, first, like with our kids: \u201cAre my words <em>building<\/em> something great in them?\u201d I think about <em>you<\/em>: \u201cHave my words been tearing things down, or are they building up that construction site?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> All you have got to say is\u2014I don\u2019t know what year it was\u2014but you went from speaking death words to me quite often to speaking life. It wasn\u2019t like I, all of a sudden, was an amazing, better husband. You just stopped critiquing\u2014you stopped being my mom; you stopped complaining\u2014I don\u2019t know what happened. You started speaking life, and it motivated me to become the man you said I was that I wasn\u2019t yet; but I wanted to be because you kept saying I was. I mean, you were saying: \u201cYou\u2019re a good man,\u201d \u201cYou are a good father,\u201d \u201cYou are a good spiritual leader.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember thinking, \u201cNo, I\u2019m not. You\u2019ve never said that before. You\u2019ve always said sort of the opposite,\u201d\u2014but\/and again, there it was\u2014Proverbs 18:21: \u201cSpeak life.\u201d You started speaking life, and it <em>motivated<\/em> me. I think it motivates <em>everybody<\/em>, not just me or just men; it motivates <em>anybody<\/em> when you believe in them and you speak life to them. They rise up to become the man or woman you\u2019re saying they are with those words. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, it\u2019s funny that you say that; because I\u2019ve had so many women come up to me and say, \u201cI really don\u2019t see anything good in them to talk about.\u201d They are really serious: \u201cThere is nothing good. I can\u2019t find anything good.\u201d I say, \u201cBut you married them, so you must have seen something that was great in them. Go back to that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe thing that I did was, first of all, I went before God in repentance, like: \u201cLord, You have given me Dave as this incredible gift, and all I\u2019ve done with this gift is critique it, and tear it down, and tear You down.\u201d My prayer was: \u201cLord, I repent of that. Give me new eyes; give me eyes to see the greatness that You put in Dave.\u201d I started even journaling and writing down things that were great that I saw in you, and there are so many! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, there is so many. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> But for some reason, we point out the negative things to share instead of the great things that we see. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And you were thinking, by pointing that out, what? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> What do you mean? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You were thinking, by pointing out the negative\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014that I\u2019m going to change you! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I thought, \u201cHe is so motivated. I\u2019m going to motivate you with all these negative things; you\u2019ll think, \u2018I don\u2019t want to be like that. I want to be like this.\u2019\u201d Did it help? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> No, it didn\u2019t work. [Laughter] I mean, it <em>really<\/em> didn\u2019t work. I mean, I remember\u2014and again, this was 20-some years ago\u2014I remember I didn\u2019t want to come home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It wasn\u2019t always a conscious thought; but it was like, \u201cMan, I\u2019m at work. I\u2019m at the office, and people are speaking life. They are saying I\u2019m good at what I do.\u201d I didn\u2019t even realize it, but you want to be there; you want to be around people, who are patting you on the back and believing in you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s so depressing; that\u2019s <em>awful<\/em> [her critiquing Dave]. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Then I go home and be\u2014[Laughter]\u2014I mean, it wasn\u2019t that I was literally in the car, like, \u201cOh, no, I\u2019ve got to go home. She\u2019s going to yell at me\u201d; but your spirit is lifted up in one place and torn down in another. Guess where you are going to spend time?\u2014you\u2019re going to go where people believe in you and build you up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And you weren\u2019t as bad with your words toward me as much as your non-verbals. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh great! Here, now, let\u2019s talk about me. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> But it was the rolling of the eyes; it was the tone of voice\/the harshness. I remember saying to you one time, \u201cYou know I\u2019m not dumb; I\u2019m not stupid. You don\u2019t have to talk to me like I know nothing.\u201d Do you remember that conversation? Well, that happened a lot, actually. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Honestly, posture, looks, rolling of eyes are death words. You may not be using any actual words; but you\u2019re\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014death actions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014communicating death. And the opposite is true, too, when you leave, and look and speak words of life, again, it builds up. We were <em>both<\/em> doing it [death words\/actions]. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You were using more words than I was; but we were both sort of communicating death. Again, 20-some years ago, that flipped. Again, it wasn\u2019t because we were an amazing husband and wife now. It was like, \u201cNo, we\u2019re going to <em>choose<\/em> to see the best\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cand speak the best out.\u201d It changed our marriage. I think it changed the aroma or environment of our home; because we were going to do that, not just with each other, but then to the boys as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, yes; because when we changed that with our sons, they had the same response\/like, \u201cI want to be home, because my parents are going to see the <em>greatness<\/em> in me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s not that we weren\u2019t critiquing; it\u2019s not that we weren\u2019t speaking truth to one another or to our kids\u2014I really want you to hear us on this\u2014that we really did have some really hard talks; but they really were more bathed in prayer. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think the reason it started to shift, mainly, is because we both came before God\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014we got on our knees\/we prayed, like, \u201cLord, I can\u2019t change this in and of myself. I need Your Spirit.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It was a repentance that: \u201cI\u2019ve been doing this wrong, and You can see the result.\u201d Our hope was always to build a home that\u2019s a magnet:\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014that our spouse would want to run home to, that our kids would want to run home to, that they\u2019d want to bring their friends to. A lot of that is in the power of the tongue. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s <em>that<\/em> powerful. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I love Proverbs 15:4; it says: \u201cA gentle tongue is a tree of life,\u201d\u2014think about that; that\u2019s like those life and death words\u2014\u201cbut perverseness in it breaks the spirit.\u201d That\u2019s kind of interesting, right there, that it breaks the spirit. Then, we\u2019ve used this verse so many times\u2014in Proverbs 15:1\u2014\u201cA soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.\u201d Those are some good ones. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, and I would just say the application is simple: guard your tongue; realize how powerful your words are in your family\/in your marriage. I\u2019m telling you\u2014if you are listening today, and you\u2019re like, \u201cMan, I\u2019ve been speaking death,\u201d\u2014I would say: \u201cGet on your knees, and repent and say, \u2018God, You\u2019ve got to help me,\u2019\u201d\u2014because here is the final thought: \u201cYour words are an overflow of your heart.\u201d Jesus said your words are connected to your heart. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can\u2019t change your words by saying, \u201cI\u2019m just going to change my words or my tongue.\u201d You have to say, \u201cGod, You\u2019ve got to change my heart; if You don\u2019t transform my heart, it won\u2019t have any effect; but if You do, yes, I will begin to speak out of my heart life words,\u201d\u2014see her\/see him the way God sees them\u2014and begin to speak life to your spouse\/to your kids. I\u2019m telling you: it will change the entire climate of your marriage and of your home. That power is in your hands. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI challenge you today: \u201cGet on your knees and ask God to change your heart. As He changes your heart, He will change your words.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s a great reminder today from Dave and Ann Wilson that we are: \u201cTo let no corrupting talk come out of our mouths,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s what Ephesians 4 says\u2014\u201conly such as is good for building up as fits the occasion and that gives grace to all who hear.\u201d There is power in your speech\/power in the tongue: destructive power or constructive power. As Dave just said, it\u2019s up to us to decide how that power is going to be used. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is one of the themes that Dave and Ann address in their book, <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em>, and the companion video series. Both the book and the video series are available in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, to order a copy of either the book or the video series. The video series is great for small group interaction. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com. You can also request these resources by calling us at 1-800-FL-TODAY; that\u2019s 1-800-358-6329; 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me say a quick word today on behalf of all of us to those of you who have made today\u2019s program possible. Most of you know <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is listener-supported. For those of you, who are regular listeners but have never supported this ministry, we need to take a minute and say, \u201cThanks,\u201d to your friends, who have made this program possible for us today, those of you who donate to support the ongoing work of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you are a longtime listener, but you\u2019ve never given to support the ministry, you can make <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> possible for others in your community and all around the world. Your investment in this ministry helps take the kind of practical biblical help and hope you\u2019ve received and spread it to others everyday all around the world. Let me challenge you, as a longtime listener: \u201cConsider making a donation today to support the ongoing ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u201d It\u2019s easy to do; you can donate online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or donate by calling 1-800-FL-TODAY. We look forward to hearing from you, and we appreciate your investment in the lives of other people as you support the work of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you can join us, again, tomorrow when Dave and Ann will continue talking about how important our words are and how negative things we hear and negative things we say can leave wounds\/leave scars on our soul. It\u2019s so important that we guard our tongues. We\u2019ll hear more about that tomorrow. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe want to thank our entire broadcast production team today. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. Join us back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. 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