{"id":306835,"date":"2021-05-03T07:00:05","date_gmt":"2021-05-03T11:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/choosing-together\/"},"modified":"2024-10-08T00:16:52","modified_gmt":"2024-10-08T04:16:52","slug":"choosing-together","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/choosing-together\/","title":{"rendered":"Choosing Together"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Whether you really like your spouse or you aren&#8217;t feeling anything, Aaron and Jamie Ivey, authors of &#8220;Complement,&#8221; assert that &#8220;choosing together&#8221; in marriage is surprisingly beautiful. Listen as they share with hosts Dave and Ann Wilson about complementing one another with purpose.<br \/>\nShow Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tFind resources from this podcast at https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130.<br \/>\n \tDownload FamilyLife&#8217;s new app! https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/<br \/>\n \tCheck out all that&#8217;s available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.\u00a0 https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Whether you really like your spouse or you aren&#8217;t feeling anything, Aaron and Jamie Ivey assert that &#8220;choosing together&#8221; in marriage is surprisingly beautiful. Listen as they share about complementing one another with purpose.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"yes","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-05-03.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:26:46","filesize":"24.52M","filesize_raw":"25706385","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2809,2082,2862],"tags":[2877],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306835","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-commitment","category-communication","category-understanding-differences","tag-marriage","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306835\/choosing-together","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306835\/choosing-together","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"pnbq47lKUa\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/choosing-together\/\">Choosing Together<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/choosing-together\/embed\/#?secret=pnbq47lKUa\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Choosing Together&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"pnbq47lKUa\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Whether you really like your spouse or you aren't feeling anything, Aaron and Jamie Ivey assert that \"choosing together\" in marriage is surprisingly beautiful. Listen as they share about complementing one another with purpose.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-05-03.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think all of us would agree that the foundation for a successful marriage is love, but Aaron Ivey says all of us need to be recalibrating how we think about what love is.\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> It\u2019s not enough for me just to like you; it\u2019s not enough for us just to be attracted to each other; it\u2019s not enough for us to just think: \u201cYou\u2019re my soulmate, so this is all going to work out.\u201d But you have to really press into: \u201cWhat does love look like? What does love look like when you go through conflict? What does it look like to love your spouse when you don\u2019t like them?\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, May 3<sup>rd<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. Do you have what it takes to make a marriage work? And do you understand <em>how<\/em> husbands and wives become one? We\u2019re going to talk more about that today. Stay with us.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. Do I have this right?\u2014you guys, for a while in your marriage\u2014you were pretty big on the mixed doubles tennis circuit; is that right? [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, we\u2019re known, Bob. We\u2019re on the cover of <em>Tennis<\/em> magazine. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; I like that he said \u201ccircuit.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You played mixed doubles.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We did.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You [Ann] played tennis growing up.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And you [Dave] played football growing up.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But you wanted to marry Ann, so you learned how to play tennis. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I actually asked her out on our first date at a tennis court.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> To play mixed doubles, you almost have to have this sense of: \u201cI know what you\u2019re going to do.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Exactly.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cYou\u2019re going to charge the net, so I\u2019m going to drop back,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m going to cover this, while you cover that.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, we had hand signals behind the back. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> No we didn\u2019t. But you\u2019re right; we do have a sense and we <em>did<\/em> have a sense of: \u201cI\u2019m going to do this, and you\u2019re going to do this.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And it\u2019s a little bit of a picture of what marriage is like\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014where we have to have a sense of: \u201cWhat am I supposed to be doing here? What are you supposed to be doing here?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You have to complement one another. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You guys had the chance recently to sit down with some dear friends, Jamie and Aaron Ivey. And if our listeners don\u2019t know the Iveys, they ought to find a way to get to know this couple; right?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> They\u2019re wise; they\u2019re fun; they\u2019re <em>great<\/em> to listen to, and they have a really cool walk with Jesus.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; Jamie has a weekly podcast that\u2019s called <em>The Happy Hour<\/em>. Aaron is a worship pastor at Austin Stone Church in Austin. They\u2019ve been married for 20 years; they\u2019ve got four kids. And they have just written\u2014I was going to say a book, but it\u2019s actually a <em>his<\/em> book and a <em>her<\/em> book,\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014side by side, both with the same title, which is <em>Complement<\/em>. And that\u2019s with an \u201ce\u201d and not with an \u201ci.\u201d It\u2019s about how we fit together, not how we flatter one another.\n\nThey\u2019re talking about this dance in marriage. You started your conversation with them by asking them to share with everybody how they met and how they fell in love.\n\n[Previous Interview]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Tell us how you fell in love. Let\u2019s hear the Ivey\u2019s love story.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> You want my\u2014\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> It\u2019s probably two different versions of the same story.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, I want to hear <em>both<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> Okay; Jamie you start.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Do they complement one another?\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> I\u2019ll start; yes.\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> They\u2019re probably very different. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> So when I was younger, I did not know Aaron, obviously; we met in college. I grew up in a Christian home; but when I turned 16, completely just walked away from the Lord. It\u2019s a whole other story for another day, but I was living a pretty crazy lifestyle. Moved back home my sophomore year in college. While I had been gone at college, my parents had started attending the church where Aaron was working. He was also in college, but he was student pastor. My brother was in his student ministry, and he knew my parents. I moved back home, and we meet\u2014a Sunday\u2014you can tell them when we met.\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> Well, I remember it going down one way; I\u2019m not sure if this actually happened. [Laughter] Her family had always told me about this older daughter that they had; right? I was like \u201cOkay, sure\u201d; whatever. I was the single guy, too, on staff; so people were trying\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014everybody\u2019s fixing you up.\n\n<strong>Aaron: <\/strong>Yes, that\u2019s right.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> \u2014everybody wants their daughter to meet Aaron Ivey.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cGod told me my daughter\u2026\u201d\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> Yes! I just kind of wrote it off. I\u2019m like, \u201cOkay; I\u2019m sure.\u201d\n\nAnd then, I was also in charge of being in the foyer of the church, making sure people feel welcome. This really beautiful college-aged girl walked in. I knew that she wasn\u2019t a part of our church, because I knew everybody at our church. [Laughter] She didn\u2019t look like she normally went to church; she wasn\u2019t dressed like a First Baptist Church-kind of college student girl; you know what I\u2019m saying?\n\nI\u2019m like, \u201cI need to make sure that she gets connected to our church. I need to make sure she feels welcome\/she feels a part of everything.\u201d I bee-lined to her to introduce myself, and was very professional: \u201cI\u2019m a pastor here.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Sure.\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> \u201cJust want to make sure you\u2019re connected. Can I help? Here\u2019s my number,\u201d\u2014that kind of thing.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Jamie, do you remember this moment?\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> I do not remember this moment at all. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> I remember it incredibly clearly.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s kind of depressing, Aaron, that she doesn\u2019t remember it; but it\u2019s okay.\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> I know.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> So we really\/I mean, we met at church; but I was coming home and healing from some broken stuff in my own life and my own heart.\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> I was in love immediately from day one. [Laughter] I was like, \u201cThis is the one.\u201d\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> <em>But<\/em> I just went on with my life; and we became friends\/friends, where we would just see each other at church.\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> And one day we saw each other at church\u2014and I was in love with her, keep in mind\u2014after a couple of weeks, she flashed her hand in front of my face and had a big diamond ring on it. She\u2019s like, \u201cLook! I got engaged.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> No!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Wait, wait. She didn\u2019t have it on the first time you met her?\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> No, no.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> No; in the year-and-a-half\u2014that we just skipped a lot of time from\u2014I was dating somebody and got engaged.\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> She didn\u2019t mention that when we first met.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> I forgot to mention that. I was walking\u2014[Laughter]\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> She\u2019s <em>engaged<\/em>, and she\u2019s like showing it off!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> She wants to make sure you know this.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And you\u2019re like, \u201cThis was my person,\u2014\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> Yes! \u201cShe\u2019s the one.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cand she\u2019s engaged.\u201d\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> Yes, and the diamond was <em>huge<\/em>; it was beautiful. I was like, \u201cUgh, who\u2019s this guy?\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, how depressing, especially when you\u2019re in ministry.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> I was going to leave that out, babe.\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> No, I\u2019m not leaving that out.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> That happened. [Laughter] Before I even got engaged\u2014I was dating this guy\u2014I went to Passion; you know the Passion Conference?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, yes.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> It\u2019s crazy that I even went there, because I wasn\u2019t walking with the Lord. I wasn\u2019t interested in walking with the Lord, but I actually ended up riding in a car with Aaron.\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> I was making sure she was getting connected to all things, so I invited her to go to Passion with me; because that\u2019s where I met Jesus the year before.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Strategic move.\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> <em>And<\/em> she needed a ride, and there happened to be an extra seat in my car.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> So I go to Passion.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014with the ring on.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> I wasn\u2019t engaged yet\u2014details\u2014it doesn\u2019t matter;\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, okay.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> \u2014but I was soon to be engaged.\n\nI went to Passion and fell in love with Jesus for the first time. My life changed forever; and within the next couple of months, I ended up getting engaged to this guy. But my life was changing; I was a different person than I was six months ago, because that\u2019s what happens when you meet Jesus! He changes your whole life. Throughout that, I realized, \u201cI can\u2019t marry this guy.\u201d\n\nYou want me to tell them what\u2014\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> This is my favorite part of the story.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> This is the favorite part of the story, you guys.\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> This is the big finish; are you ready?\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> So I start to realize I can\u2019t marry this guy. I go to my dad\u2019s office; and I\u2019m just\u2014we have a wedding date; I have a ring; I have a dress\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh!\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> \u2014all the things. I go to my dad\u2019s office\u2014\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> \u2014big ring\/big diamond. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We\u2019ve heard that before.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> I tell my dad. My dad was <em>so<\/em> sweet and kind; he\u2019s like, \u201cYou don\u2019t have to.\u201d I needed someone to say that; because you\u2019re in that moment, and you think, \u201cI\u2019m going to let down so many people.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> I look back, 22 years, and think, \u201cMan, that was one of the hardest decisions I ever made.\u201d Because I <em>did<\/em> love that guy with whatever I had. I had the fianc\u00e9e, at the time\/I\u2019m like, \u201cMeet me in my office; we have to talk.\u201d He sits down and I tell him, \u201cI don\u2019t think I can marry you; my life has changed.\u201d He had noticed, because some things in our relationship had changed. I\u2019m just like telling him, \u201cI just don\u2019t think you\u2019re the guy for me.\u201d\n\nMind you, Aaron and I had just hung out\u2014like not really hung out\u2014we\u2019d never been alone together. We just were acquaintances at church\u2014I did ride to Passion with him\u2014all the things. He said, \u201cI don\u2019t understand. What are you looking for if it\u2019s not me?\u201d I said\u2014I kid you not\u2014I said, \u201cI don\u2019t know what I\u2019m looking for, but I do know I want someone like that Aaron Ivey guy at church.\u201d\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> There it is!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What?!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> What\u2019s happening with you?\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> There it is; there it is guys.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You used his name.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> I said that; I said his name because\u2014\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> \u2014we were friends. We laughed all the time; we had a <em>great<\/em> time hanging out.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> But I didn\u2019t think I could date Aaron, because I had a lot in my past. I was like\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You didn\u2019t feel worthy.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cHe\u2019s not going to want a girl like me.\u201d\u00a0 I thought he was too good for me; like I had <em>never<\/em> dated a Christian really\u2014I had never dated a Christian guy\u2014I had never dated anyone that loved the Lord. I never had been in a healthy relationship, but I just knew. I saw him, and I had been around him; and he made me laugh\u2014I told that to that guy.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Wow! Then did you say, \u201cCan I keep the ring?\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> I did; I called him. I was like, \u201cHey bro, can I get that?\u201d\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> That was early spring, and Aaron asked me out that December. We got married a year-and-a-half later.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s a good story.\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> Isn\u2019t that good?\u2014yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s really good.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Did she ever tell you that part of the story while you were dating?\u2014like, \u201cI said to this guy, \u2018I want to marry somebody like you.\u2019\u201d\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> Oh, I\u2019m sure.\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> Yes, yes. I downplayed it at the time. I was like, \u201cOh, that\u2019s nice.\u201d Inside, though, I\u2019m thinking, \u201cSee, I knew it; I was right. [Laughter] From the day you walked into the foyer, I knew it.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Here\u2019s the thing: you get married\u2014I mean, our story is similar in terms of\u2014different details\u2014but you know, we <em>thought<\/em>, like everybody should think in some sense, \u201cThis is the one!\u201d I mean, we have a phrase for it: \u201c\u2026the one!\u201d And then you get married; and there\u2019s disappointment, or discouragement, or whatever\u2014disillusionment. When did that happen, and what did you do with that feeling?\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> The first couple of years, our marriage was super easy. Honestly, like Jamie and I\u2014\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> Yes. We didn\u2019t have a\u2014like you said, the first year was so hard\u2014no; easy.\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> We\u2019re pretty easy-going; we\u2019re pretty laid-back. We just loved to have fun. We didn\u2019t have very much conflict at all; we weren\u2019t fighters.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Did you have much premarital counseling or anything like that?\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> We had some\/the normal four or five weeks.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You\u2019re a pastor, dude. You should have had all kinds of counseling. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> We went through with the guy that married us. We did like a six-week class. I don\u2019t remember anything from it, but I\u2019m sure it was awesome.\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> I don\u2019t remember one single thing.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> I\u2019m sure it was great!\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> I remember the wood panel walls in his office and that\u2019s it.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> By the way listeners, we aren\u2019t saying premarital counseling is bad; it\u2019s actually <em>really<\/em>\u2014\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> It is super helpful; yes.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> It\u2019s really good. We do it for couples now; it\u2019s important.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It is.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019m guessing even reading your book would be great for a premarital couple.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> Oh yes, yes.\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> Yes, absolutely; absolutely.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I wouldn\u2019t say read our book either, but definitely read their book.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> Read them both; read them both! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay; so you go through a couple of years, like \u201cThis is fun.\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> Totally.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cThis is what we expected.\u201d\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> Yes, and then there are two years that come to mind that were the hardest years for our marriage. It was 2010, and it was 2020; so we can\u2019t wait for 2030: [Laughter] \u201cWho knows what\u2019s up in 2030?\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> Every ten years, we\u2019re like, \u201cThis is the worst year of our life!\u201d\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> But 2010, we had the complexities of adding some kids to our family that we adopted. They\u2019re incredible, but that was just a <em>new<\/em> thing for us.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Sure.\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> There was some trauma related to that whole situation, like there is with any adoption. That was really hard for us; that was probably the first time where we started to have conflict\u2014like, \u201cWow! This isn\u2019t easy. There\u2019s something that has been added into our easygoing friendship that\u2019s making us evaluate the stuff that we\u2019ve maybe stuffed or that we just kind of glossed over,\u201d\u2014that was a really hard year. And then 2020, I know, was a hard year for <em>everybody<\/em>; but it was uniquely hard for Jamie and I\u2014just being in quarantine, having four teenagers at home 24 hours a day for a year\u2014all kinds of things kind of came up.\n\nWhen you go through seasons like that, that\u2019s when you realize: \u201cIt\u2019s not enough for me just to like you; it\u2019s not enough for us just to be attracted to each other; it\u2019s not enough for us to just think, \u2018You\u2019re my soulmate, so this is all going to work out.\u2019 But you have to really press into: \u2018What does love look like when you go through conflict? What does it look like to love your spouse when you don\u2019t like them?\u2019\u201d That was all kind of very new for us, and we\u2019ve had to navigate through that.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You discovered, I think, what a lot of couples don\u2019t ever discover; because it\u2019s so critical. We say at the FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup><em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>: \u201cYou\u2019re not competing with your spouse; you\u2019re <em>completing<\/em> in a different sense.\u201d Like it isn\u2019t that they don\u2019t need you; but they finish one another, which is your word for \u201ccomplement.\u201d\n\nTalk about that: of all the titles and all the concepts to write a marriage book about, why complement? Because it\u2019s such a unique\/I\u2019ve never seen a book like it\u2014not just the way you wrote it differently\u2014by the way, I had no idea; didn\u2019t read each other\u2019s stuff; that\u2019s fascinating\u2014but why complement? What\u2019s that mean?\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> My dad is a painter. He\u2019s a phenomenal painter, and he paints photo realism; so you look at it, and it looks just like a photograph. You would swear\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, I\u2019ve seen those; you can\u2019t\u2019 believe that it\u2019s not a photograph.\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> Right; I remember, even as a kid, watching him paint. It was unbelievable\u2014because you have a palette of very simple colors; and there\u2019s only, maybe, eight\/ten colors on his palette\u2014but simply, by using complementary colors, you can actually create something that\u2019s way more beautiful than any one color would be on its own.\n\nAs Jamie and I think through marriage, and think through the power of marriage and the purpose of marriage, and even in our own friendship, we were both individual people that God made and wired very uniquely. Jamie is beautiful on her own; she is a whole person that has her identity in Jesus Christ, and she\u2019s a strong woman. But when God brought us together, He intended for us to be complementary in the same nature, where Jamie and Aaron together\u2014hopefully, if we\u2019re doing it right, and we\u2019re bringing out the best in each person\u2014there\u2019s actually a new color that comes forth that\u2019s way better than me on my own or Jamie on her own.\n\nWe\u2019ve experienced that. We wanted to help people understand that\u2019s what God intended if marriage is in the cards for you. Marriage isn\u2019t the ultimate thing; marriage isn\u2019t like the thing that you, hopefully, one day get and then you\u2019re finally a whole human being and God can use you. Marriage happened to be in our story; and when God does put that in your story, it\u2019s meant to be complementary like that.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s really beautiful. One of the things you just said, Aaron\u2014that I want to come back to because like you said this; and Jamie, I want you to respond to it, because I\u2019m thinking of a lot of the people, who are newly-married or they\u2019re engaged\u2014and you said, \u201cWe\u2019re learning how to love each other when we don\u2019t like each other.\u201d If you would have told me, on my wedding day, that I\u2019m not going to like Dave or I\u2019m not even going to have feelings for him sometime, I would be like, \u201cWhat?! What are you talking about?\u201d\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> What is that\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014and then six months later\u2014[Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; I don\u2019t like him. I don\u2019t like anything about him, actually.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> She, literally, said that out loud to me: \u201cI don\u2019t like anything about you. I don\u2019t know what I was thinking.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oops! Don\u2019t say those things out loud.\n\nBut what does that look like? What do you <em>mean<\/em> by that? How do you love each other when you don\u2019t like each other?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Chapter 1.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> Love; there it is. What you don\u2019t know on your wedding day is beautiful; because otherwise, you might not say, \u201cYes\u201d; because you\u2019re two people getting married, and the only thing you see ahead of you is bliss. There\u2019s no way you could ever imagine what life is going to bring you. We\u2019ve been married almost 20 years and walked through\u2014you know, adding children to our family was difficult; sickness with our family; parents aging\u2014life happens; you know?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> It gets difficult. Sometimes it\u2019s not even that Aaron changes and I don\u2019t like him; it\u2019s just we\u2019re two human beings, who on our own, would choose ourselves\/would choose our own flesh, our own interests, our own likes. In those moments, when we\u2019re doing that, then I\u2019m like, \u201cOh, this isn\u2019t working; because this isn\u2019t how God made it.\u201d\n\nWhen we talk about <em>loving<\/em> each other when we don\u2019t <em>like<\/em> each other, for me, the ultimate example is Jesus. I think that\u2019s what I say, ultimately, about the book: is like it\u2019s a book on marriage but it\u2019s, also, a book of how to just look like Jesus. If we all tried to look more like Jesus, it would be easier to love someone when you don\u2019t like them.\n\nWhen I talk about love, I think, \u201cMan, what is the picture of Jesus when He loves us?\u201d And I\u2019m, by no means, saying that Jesus loves us and doesn\u2019t like us; because I think Jesus is really fond of us.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Me, too.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> But I think that, as humans, we have to do things that are sometimes out of our nature. When we read 1 Corinthians 13\u2014we read it a lot of times at weddings\u2014but Paul was actually just writing that to the church, saying, \u201cHey, you should love people like this.\u201d So yes, that translates into our marriage but, also, translates into: \u201cThis is a human being made in the image of God\u201d\u2014and I\u2019m speaking about my husband\u2014\u201cI should love him the way Christ tells us to love people.\u201d\n\nSo for me\u2014at times, when it\u2019s hard; or there\u2019s conflict, or we\u2019re fighting; or circumstances are difficult\u2014I have to ask myself, \u201cHow does Jesus ask us to love people?\u201d And I have to somehow, only by the work of the Holy Spirit, do that in those moments; and it\u2019s difficult.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014even if he doesn\u2019t deserve it.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> \u2014especially if he doesn\u2019t deserve it;\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> \u2014and that\u2019s hard.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Really hard.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I noticed how you said that. [Laughter] You\u2019re talking about <em>me<\/em> when I don\u2019t deserve it.\n\nBut here\u2019s a question for both of you\u2014or either one to answer\u2014\u201cHow do you do that?\u2014when you don\u2019t feel it; you\u2019re hurt; maybe really, really angry\u2014and you know: \u201cI want to love him\/love her as Christ loves me, and I <em>can\u2019t<\/em>.\u201d Have you ever been there?\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> Yes, absolutely. Before we got married, I didn\u2019t\/I truly didn\u2019t know how to love people. If you could kind of meet me back then, I grew up super insecure. I grew up believing that I would never really amount to anything or do anything. I had things that were spoken over me that kind of formed that belief that I had. I always struggled with: \u201cWhy don\u2019t I know how to love people? Why don\u2019t I know how to love well?\u201d And really, at the end of the day, it wasn\u2019t about me not knowing how to; it was that I had not believed that God could actually love me.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014that you were worthy of His love.\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> Totally, totally. I think it\u2019s even stepping back further and further from: \u201cHow do you love your spouse when they seem unlovable?\u201d\u2014stepping back further to: \u201cDo you really believe, at the end of the day, that you are deeply loved by God, no matter what?\u201d\u2014because Jesus came to love people that were deemed unlovable.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> By all standard measurement, I should not be loved by God that is perfect, and holy, and awesome. Compared to God, I should be unlovable; but He chose to love me radically. He keeps doing it over and over again.\n\nI think it starts with a deep-rooted belief that I am loved by God. Until you kind of wrap your mind around that, and believe that, it\u2019s impossible to love somebody else that, in the moment, you think is unlovable. But when you grasp it, then there\u2019s nothing Jamie could do or say\u2014there\u2019s no distance; there\u2019s no big fight or argument that we couldn\u2019t get through\u2014because I believe God loved me, so I can love Jamie; because I have the love of God in me; right?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> It\u2019s impossible to do it without that; it\u2019s impossible.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> I think it is, too: sometimes, it\u2019s a choice that you have to make.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; that\u2019s a <em>great<\/em> point.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> I think I\u2019ve had to learn that\u2014because when you get married\u2014like you said earlier\u2014I would have never thought, \u201cI\u2019m going to have to choose, one day, to love Aaron today,\u201d\u2014like I remember Aaron could never do a wrong thing; you know? But you do have to make that <em>choice<\/em>. I think that\u2019s what people get hung up on; because they sometimes think, \u201cThis is <em>hard<\/em>; this must be <em>bad<\/em>.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right; or \u201cMaybe, I married the wrong person.\u201d\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> Yes; I just think <em>hard<\/em> doesn\u2019t equal <em>wrong<\/em>, and <em>hard<\/em> doesn\u2019t equal <em>bad<\/em>. Hard just means it\u2019s hard, and life is hard. I mean, no one listening has an easy life\u2014nobody!\u2014there\u2019s not one person.\n\nI think even having to go\u2014okay, so if you\u2019re in that space in your marriage, where you\u2019re like, \u201cI don\u2019t even know if I like him; he doesn\u2019t deserve my love,\u201d\u2014it is a <em>choice<\/em> in the morning; it is a <em>choice<\/em> at noon; it is a <em>choice<\/em> at five; it is a <em>choice<\/em> at 10:30; it is like a choice that you have to make. Do we always succeed at that?\u2014I think we fail sometimes\u2014we think, \u201cHe doesn\u2019t deserve this. I deserve more.\u201d But it is that consistent going before the Lord, saying, \u201cI want to choose to love him,\u201d and \u201cHelp me do it.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I don\u2019t know if you guys are like me, but I <em>can\u2019t<\/em> do it apart from the help of the Holy Spirit.\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Jamie: <\/strong>Right.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Like it\u2019s impossible in my flesh. I want Dave to serve <em>me<\/em>, and love <em>me<\/em>, and do these things for <em>me<\/em>. But the same power that\u2019s <em>in<\/em> us, and the same power that raised Jesus from the dead\u2014He lives in us\u2014and so He gives us that power.\n\n<strong>Aaron: <\/strong>Right.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>As you mentioned 1 Corinthians 13\u2014I mean, I have to read this\u2014and I think of Bob Lepine\u2019s book, <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em>, and the small group material that we have available at FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014but it says\/I mean, just think about this as you\u2019re listening: \u201cIs this what it looks like for you and your household to love?\u201d\u2014because we\u2019ve all heard this in so many weddings: \"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never ends.\u201d\n\nOh! That\u2019s <em>convicting<\/em>,\u2014\n\n<strong>Aaron:<\/strong> Yes, absolutely.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014even as I read it.\n\n<strong>Jamie:<\/strong> It\u2019s beautiful.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, it is beautiful.\n\n[Studio]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, we\u2019ve been listening to a recent conversation that Dave and Ann Wilson had with Aaron and Jamie Ivey, the authors of a pair of books, both called <em>Complement<\/em>. There\u2019s a version for him and a version for her, talking about marriage and talking about how we love one another when we don\u2019t like one another. There are seasons in a marriage, where you go, \u201cI really don\u2019t like you right now, but I still am supposed to love you.\u201d It\u2019s a choice we make, not an emotion we feel.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I tell you\u2014we\u2019ve said this many times\u2014but if you\u2019d told me, before marriage, that I wouldn\u2019t like Ann, I would have said, \u201cYou\u2019re crazy!\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019m the guy\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> What\u2019s not to <em>like<\/em>? Come on, man!\u2014[Laughter]\u2014a lot; I know.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We all have our moments; that\u2019s the thing. There are days I\u2019m very unlikeable.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I mean, do our kids not like us sometimes; or do we not like our kids? It really has very little to do with love. Love is bigger than <em>like<\/em>, and that\u2019s what we learned today.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And the decision to love\/the choice we make to love\u2014as you said, Ann, has got to be a Spirit-enabled decision\u2014because if we try to do it on our own strength, it\u2019s going to look bad\/go bad for everybody; right?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And we cannot do it <em>apart<\/em> from God\u2019s Spirit and power in us. Learning to rely on Him every day, and to surrender to Him every day, and to give Him our marriage every day is something that I feel like we can\u2019t do it apart from Him.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\nWe are so excited about the Ivey\u2019s new books; and we\u2019re also excited about the fact that, during the month of May, we\u2019ve had some friends of the ministry, who have come to us and said, \u201cWe want to help you guys head into summer strong.\u201d They have agreed that, this month, they are going to match every donation we receive from our listeners, dollar for dollar. A listener, who says, \u201cI want to help support FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>; I\u2019m going to send them $25,\u201d\u2014that will free up $25 from a matching-gift fund\u2014and it makes the value of your gift worth $50.\n\nI\u2019ve got to tell you\u2014it couldn\u2019t have come at a better time\u2014this is <em>really<\/em> important for us, as a ministry.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Like you said, it\u2019s a critical time. You think it\u2019s the middle of the year\u2014but it is a\/it\u2019s really our yearend in some ways\u2014so your contribution is going to help moms and dads\u2019 legacies, literally, be changed, just like yours; isn\u2019t it?\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; and when you make a donation, in addition to your donation being doubled, we\u2019ll send you, as a thank-you gift, a copy of the book we\u2019ve talked about today, Aaron and Jamie Ivey\u2019s books, <em>Complement<\/em>. Again, one for him\/one for her. That\u2019s our thank-you gift for your donation.\n\nAnd in addition, we\u2019re going to include a flash drive that has five episodes of a conversation the three of us had recently, where we were just talking about the core lessons that I\u2019ve learned from guests, like the Ivey\u2019s, in more than 28 years of hosting <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. These are lessons on marriage and on parenting, a whole variety of subjects.\n\nThe flash drive and the books are our way of saying, \u201cThank you,\u201d when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com to make a donation or when you call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. Again, that donation will be doubled; and we\u2019ll send you these thank-you gifts. And let me just say, \u201cThank you, in advance, for your gift.\u201d It is so meaningful to us, and we are <em>so<\/em> grateful.\n\nNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to talk more with Aaron and Jamie about complementing one another in marriage, and we\u2019re going to hear a new original song that Dave Wilson wrote [Laughter]\u2014kind of an ode to Aaron and Jamie Ivey, your new best friends.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It may just sweep the country. You never know, Bob.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It may be swept up. [Laughter] We\u2019ll hear that song tomorrow. I hope our listeners can be with us for that.\n\nI want to thank our engineer today, Bruce Goff\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes!\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. 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