{"id":306821,"date":"2021-04-16T07:00:04","date_gmt":"2021-04-16T11:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/dealing-with-problems-before-they-begin\/"},"modified":"2021-04-16T07:00:04","modified_gmt":"2021-04-16T11:00:04","slug":"dealing-with-problems-before-they-begin","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/dealing-with-problems-before-they-begin\/","title":{"rendered":"Dealing With Problems Before They Begin"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Our words are so important in managing our households, but sometimes our words get us in trouble. Chap Bettis discusses the need for a strategy in the home and some practical ideas of what that can look like.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-04-16.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:14","filesize":"24.93M","filesize_raw":"26139791","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2806],"tags":[2209],"podcast_series":[8440],"cwp_profile":[9685],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306821","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spiritual-development","tag-parenting","podcast_series-parenting-with-patience","cwp_profile-chap-bettis","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306821\/dealing-with-problems-before-they-begin","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306821\/dealing-with-problems-before-they-begin","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"14yraoiGkK\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/dealing-with-problems-before-they-begin\/\">Dealing With Problems Before They Begin<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/dealing-with-problems-before-they-begin\/embed\/#?secret=14yraoiGkK\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Dealing With Problems Before They Begin&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"14yraoiGkK\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-04-16.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-04-16.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, April 16<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I\u2019m Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. Are there parenting strategies we can employ that can help us to respond rightly and use the right words when our kids provoke us? We\u2019re going to talk with Chap Bettis about that today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. We\u2019re going to do a little test here at the beginning of\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, no!\u00a0 I hate tests. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Not for you; this is for the listeners. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Although, you can play along if you\u2019d like. [Laughter] Those of you who have children in the home\u2014that lets us off the hook on this one\u2014but if you have children in the home, when was the last time you got irritated or angry with them?\u2014has it been less than 24 hours?\u2014has it been within the last three days? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Have you gone a week without getting angry or irritated? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I thought you were going to say, \u201cHas it been in the last ten minutes?\u201d [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The reality of parenting is that frustration is always kind of easily in reach; and it can be that the kids are just out of control, and we don\u2019t know how to bring order into the chaos; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Exactly; because that can be the atmosphere of the home, especially when your kids are little. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I know, when we have our kids come visit us and bring the grandkids, which we love\u2014kids, listen: \u201cWe want you to come; we want you to bring the grandkids,\u201d\u2014it\u2019s always a joy to have them there, but we do have to become mentally prepared for the house is about to change for the next couple of days. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The level of activity is going to increase; the level of disruption is about to increase, and we have to be emotionally and mentally prepared for that; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I find that I have to go to the bathroom more. [Laughter] It\u2019s the only place I can shut the door, lock it, and be alone for some minutes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; I\u2019ll go in the bedroom; I\u2019m like, \u201cWhat are you doing?\u201d He says, \u201cI just need a little time.\u201d [Laughter] We love it, though. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019re talking about how we deal with frustration, and anger, and impatience as parents. We have a\/we have a recovering impatient parent, who is joining us. [Laughter] Chap Bettis is with us, again, on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Welcome back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Chap is an author. He is a conference speaker, speaking on parenting; wrote a book called <em>The Disciple-Making Parent<\/em> and a book we\u2019ve been talking about this week called <em>Parenting With Patience<\/em> that, as you\u2019ve shared, came out of your own reality\/your own observation\u2014your wife\u2019s observation, actually\u2014that your anger and impatience was creating the wrong kind of culture in your home. You began to go to work on this in your life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you were sitting down, with a young mom or a young dad right now, who is saying, \u201cI just, every day, find myself <em>losing<\/em> it with my kids. But Chap, you don\u2019t know; they are throwing stuff,\u201d \u201cThey are doing this\u2026\u201d \u201cOne of my kids\u2014I just put up this new thing\u2014and they tore it down.\u201d You understand the frustrations; it\u2019s a fertile field for anger to manifest itself. What\u2019s the process we go through to try to get to where we can bring peace to the home and peace to our own heart? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Well, for that specific instance, I think what you are getting at is really\u2014and I actually cover this in some of my other material like\/I call it <em>Parenting with Confidence<\/em>, <em>Parenting 101<\/em>. God has given us the right and the responsibility to rule our home well. First Timothy 3 says: \u201cA leader needs to manage his household well.\u201d That\u2019s really everybody; that\u2019s not just pastors and deacons. So to say, \u201cOkay; actually, anger here is a frustration; I\u2019m not leading my family well. I need to get a strategy to deal with those particular issues.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOn the one hand, anger is a foe in the sense that I need to fight it; I need to repent of yelling; I need to, as I walk in the door, expect that my kids are going to be yelling or whatever that is; or wake up in the morning\u2014the \u201cparenting paradox\u201d I call it\u2014we expect our children to obey, because God commands that; we expect them to disobey because they are sinful. I\u2019m going to wake up and expect that they are going to disobey; whatever happened yesterday is going to happen again. Having said that, God has called me to lead my family well to come up with some consequences. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tChildren are to obey their parents; I need to be okay with that as an authority. Now, let\u2019s go with one or two of those and let\u2019s have a plan\u2014say: \u201cThe policeman\u2014he doesn\u2019t get upset\u2014he just writes a ticket\u201d; you know? When he goes out, he\u2019s not\/he expects people to speed today; and he\u2019s got a consequence for it; it\u2019s all thought out. I think, sometimes, we are trying to parent on cruise control rather than saying, \u201cChildren are going to misbehave. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cThat\u2019s what children do.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> \u201cThat\u2019s what they do!\u201d And that\u2019s okay. \u201cWhat I can\u2019t do is yell or be frustrated, and I need to come up with a consequence.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You also talked about \u201cno trash talking.\u201d Words really do matter. Talk a little bit about that, too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> That\u2019s right in Ephesians: \u201cLet no corrupting talk come out of your mouth.\u201d That\u2019s just an incredibly convicting verse. When I\u2019ve taught on that, I say, \u201cLook in your Bible and see if there is a little asterisks there that says, \u2018\u2026unless you\u2019ve had a hard day at work,\u2019 or \u2018\u2026unless it\u2019s that time of the month,\u2019 or \u2018\u2026unless something.\u2019\u201d Are there any other exceptions?\u2014no\u2014\u201cLet no corrupting talk come out of your mouth,\u201d\u2014no trash talk. Having said that, that\u2019s going to motivate me to say, \u201cWhen this happens, what will come out of my mouth?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJesus is our example there; 1 Peter tells us: \u201cWhen He was reviled, He did not revile in return, but He blessed.\u201d So to say, \u201cOkay, this is the putting on: when my child says, \u2018No,\u2019 to me again, what am I going to say; what am I going to do?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> In the moment, when\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I was going to say the exact same words. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Were you really?! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Oh, boy! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I was literally going to say, \u201cYes; but in that moment, it\u2019s so hard\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cto have that kind of self-control.\u201d I mean, sitting here right now, it\u2019s like, \u201cYes; I can do that.\u201d [Laughter] When I\u2019m in the family room, and balls are flying, and a chunk gets taken out of my drywall\u2014or how about this?\u2014when your youngest son takes a rock and carves his name in the side of your minivan. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Seriously? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Of course, where were Mom and Dad for that amount of time?\u2014I don\u2019t know; but we came out\u2014how old was he?\u2014I don\u2019t know; four or five?\u2014and there was his name. The paint is gone all the way down to the metal. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> He\u2019s kind of marking his name in <em>everything<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> We had that same thing, where\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Really? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> \u2014we finally got a new-to-us van. I come home one day; my six-year-old and my four-year-old have a stick, and they are just like beating the van. I\u2019m like, \u201cWhat are you thinking?!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, there is this situation; so in that moment, a level of anger is expected. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You can have, actually, righteous anger without corrupting talk. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can trash talk\u2014you can end up there as well; done that many times\u2014but is it possible to be self-controlled?\u2014have a level of anger, and still be in the moment, and be honoring God? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Well, that\u2019s Ephesians 4:26; it says: \u201cIn your anger, do not sin.\u201d You are feeling that emotion\u2014you come home: and they are beating\/they\u2019ve carved into your car\u2014you\u2019re like\/and so yes, \u201cIn your anger, do not sin.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So how do you do it in that moment? I mean, if your kids are wailing on the car with a stick\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> I don\u2019t think it\u2019s wrong to go, \u201cWhat in the world are you doing?!\u201d\u2014which is exactly what I did\u2014I didn\u2019t confess that as sin. But I think\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> \u2014when you, then, take that and <em>attack<\/em>\u2014so really, yes, if that had turned into a personal attack\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014like, \u201cYou\u2019re an idiot.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Yes; yes. So words\/words\u2014 especially, words that attack their identity\u2014are just satanic. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> So that\u2019s\u2014kids are going to be kids, and a car is a car. Of course, they realize later, \u201cThat was wrong\u201d; but I don\u2019t\u2014I think, in that moment, I don\u2019t see that as sin\u2014in the moment, I didn\u2019t attack them personally; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You were stopping destructive behavior. I do think, with moms and dads, we have to pull back and go, \u201cDid we ever teach our kids not to beat the car with a stick?\u201d [Laughter] I mean, we think\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014or \u201c\u2026write their name into the car?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right; I mean, \u201cDid we ever say\u2026\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I used to do this with our kids. We\u2019d go to the grocery store, and I\u2014they had acted up at the grocery store before\u2014so I realized, \u201cI need to have the little huddle before we go into the grocery store: \u2018We\u2019re about to go into the grocery store, and here is what is going to happen. You\u2019re going to want to pull stuff off the shelves. Do you know how tempting that is?\u2014you see this stuff; you want to pull it off the shelves. I\u2019m just going to tell you: if you do that, here is going to be the consequence\u2026 So when we are in the store, and you see something and go, \u201cI want to pull that off the shelf,\u201d just think to yourself, \u201cHere is what is going to happen if I do that.\u201d\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would have that coaching moment with our kids so that I trained them. I think a lot of parents expect kids to behave and they\u2019ve never been through the training to teach them: \u201cYou don\u2019t carve your name in the side of the minivan,\u201d \u201cYou don\u2019t beat on it with a stick\u201d; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> See, I think in that case, you\u2019re showing wisdom in that you\u2019re looking ahead. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> You know the temptations for them, and you\u2019re looking ahead. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen I think, for us, then also, is to say, \u201cOkay, when they execute\u2014when they do that\/when they grab the candy or whatever\u2014then you\u2019re like, \u2018Oh, honey, sorry,\u2019 and then I\u2019m going to follow through with the\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014and the consequences; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cfollow through\u201d; right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019ve just got a brand-new idea from you, Bob; thanks. The next time we go to a woman\u2019s clothing store, I\u2019m going to say to Ann, \u201cYou\u2019re going to have the temptation to want to pull that dress off the thing\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cto buy three of them instead of\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think you\u2019re a little more tempted than I am sometimes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014at the Harley-Davidson store; maybe, a guitar store.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet\u2019s go back to Ephesians 4:26, because you mentioned that. I think there is often confusion like, \u201cWhat exactly does it mean?\u201d I\u2019ll read it to you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You be the expert and explain it. Paul writes: \u201cIn your anger, do not sin,\u201d\u2014which you talked about\u2014\u201cDo not let the sun go down while you are still angry,\u201d and \u201cDo not give the devil foothold.\u201d Break that down a little bit\u2014as a husband, or as a dad\/as in marriage or in parenting\u2014what is he saying? Obviously, he saying, \u201cIn your anger, don\u2019t sin.\u201d In other words, it <em>could<\/em> lead to sin; but it doesn\u2019t have to. Then he talks about the sun and the devil. What\u2019s going on? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Well, I think for many years, my wife and I took that literally. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So did we! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> And it just led to worse things; because when you\u2019re trying to resolve a disagreement at 11 o\u2019clock at night,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, ours were 3:30 in the morning. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Okay; you\u2019re not thinking\/you\u2019re not thinking clearly; you know? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; but it says, \u201cDon\u2019t\u2026before the sun goes down.\u201d Is that not what it means? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> I\u2019ve got that in the back\/I\u2019ve got that in a little Appendix in the back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I saw it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> I have taken that\u2014and others may disagree\u2014but I would say, now as an older person\u2014I need to release that anger, trusting that we are going to resolve it in the morning when we are both sane. I\u2019m going to, as far as possible, not go to bed angry\u2014in the sense, still harboring that\u2014because I don\u2019t know about you; but what happens if you go to bed angry, then you get up\u2014you\u2019re in the shower; you\u2019re like, \u201cOh! I should have said this,\u201d \u201cI can\u2019t believe she\u2026\u201d\u2014on and on and on. You\u2019re just like rehashing it all over; then you start again. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut praying, and giving it to the Lord, and saying, \u201cYes, we need to resolve this.\u201d It\u2019s\u2014it can\u2019t go on for weeks\u2014but in the sense that\/that is metaphorical in the sense of: \u201cYou need to resolve this quickly.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s the principle. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> It needs to be resolved quickly. I do think that, if you don\u2019t, then actually, you allow bitterness\u2014you give\/and the devil\u2019s got a place\u2014when there are all sorts of bitter people, who have these unresolved issues that they\u2019ve never forgiven. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You and your wife strategized together in parenting, even probably going through some of these issues with anger. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Yes. <br><br><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Tell us what that looked like. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> I think one of the things, really, that\u2014it\u2019s a practical application of coming up with a plan with four kids and two years apart. Our time to communicate was getting less, and then we\u2019re having more issues than we are having to talk through. We found ourselves disagreeing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the solutions that we hit upon was we kept a little notebook, where we would write down things to talk about. Rather than sort of correcting the other in the moment: \u201cYou\u2019re being too hard,\u201d\u2014or whatever\u2014or \u201cWe need to talk about this; I don\u2019t know what to do about this issue,\u201d\u2014we would keep a little notebook; each of us\/same notebook\u2014but we\u2019d write down. Then, once every two weeks, we would go out for coffee. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019m picturing, like, \u201cOh, you just did something wrong. I\u2019m going to write this in my book!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> No; but it was the sense of: \u201cI want to talk about that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Good; I think that\u2019s great. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> \u201cI think you were a little over the top that time. And it\u2019s several times; I want to talk about it.\u201d In the moment is not the time to talk about: she\u2019s not beating the kids; or I\u2019m not beating the kids; you know? In the moment is not the time to talk about it, but we can talk about it later. What a coffee date does is it pulls me in, as the dad, to say, \u201cHey, you\u2019re supposed to be responsible here.\u201d It sits down to say, \u201cWe need to come up with a plan.\u201d That was really helpful for us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, it slows down. It prevents anger because now we can say, \u201cOkay, we\u2019re going into\u2014we have problems; we have issues\u2014now, we have a plan that we are going to execute.\u201d Then we can calmly do it [plan for next time]; we can say, \u201cOkay; wait. You didn\u2019t do your chore. What was the consequence for that?\u201d\u2014\u201cOh, it\u2019s on the chart. Oh, I get an extra chore.\u201d Okay; no big deal. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I thought the character chart\u2014and that\u2019s a <em>great<\/em> part of this strategy\u2014you talk about the anger journal, and how you were using that to counsel your own heart\u2014but this character chart was a <em>great<\/em> tool. If parents want to set one of these up, they can get the book; you give them guidance there. What would you suggest? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Well, I\u2019ve used this quarantine time\u2014I\u2019ve actually worked on another video series, <em>Parenting with Confidence<\/em>; it\u2019s the <em>Parenting 101<\/em>. It\u2019s this idea of: \u201cIt\u2019s okay to be an authority: authority and affection.\u201d I think the younger generation is nailing the affection part maybe better than I did. But you also are okay being an authority; then, there need to be consequences. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay; so let\u2019s not rush past that, because I think that\u2019s a key. What do you mean when you say the younger generation is nailing the affection but not realizing they need\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> They are more emotionally-connected\u2014love their kids\/grace. There is not this harsh, \u201cYou shall obey me,\u201d\u2014just identifying with the kids\/just\u2014I mean, just really, really well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHaving said that\u2014and Spurgeon talks about this about our heavenly Father, but this is true for us as well\u2014there also needs to be authority. We, as parents, are the authority. God commands, out of His goodness, children should obey us. That\u2019s not a power trip for us; that\u2019s out of God\u2019s good plan they should obey us. Since we know they are not going to, we need to have a consequence; and that\u2019s okay, because training is action. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I just have to jump on there, too, because it\u2019s not just about your kids learning to obey you. It\u2019s about your kids learning that authority exists in the universe, first with God, then with human authorities. They need to learn how to obey authority. The home is the place where you teach them that; and if you\u2019re not teaching them that, they are going to have problems in school, or with the police, or with an employer. This is\/you\u2019re really discipling them when you say, \u201cYou\u2019ve got to learn to obey Mom and Dad.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s a gift of showing them there are consequences to their good actions and their poor actions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s biblical. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Back to the character chart: I want to set one of these up; what do I do? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> You have a coffee date\/go out\u2014well, first of all, I think you just record\u2014record what is going on in our house: \u201cWhat am I getting upset at?\u201d They are saying, \u201cNo\u201d; \u201cThey\u2019re not doing a chore.\u201d My pastor\/he was wrestling with his second grader and kindergartner; they would come home and potty talk, as he called it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo what are\/take a list and then figure out a couple of those things. Don\u2019t try and do <em>everything<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Then figure out: \u201cWhat is the consequence?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Would you tackle a single issue at a time, and do it over a three-week period?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Well, I think it depends on the age of the kids. I try and do a lot of talking: \u201cWe\u2019ve been letting you do this; but we\u2019re\/now, we\u2019re going to implement some principle or consequences.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Give an example, like delayed chore obedience. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So you have\u2014who is doing this\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014you have your child; what to put off\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014and that would be it. And then you have consequences. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You have that on your chart. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Yes; so they knew, if they didn\u2019t do a chore right away, they got an extra chore. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Then you put what to put on, and they are supposed to put on immediate obedience. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Then you had Scripture. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Right; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So how did you walk that through? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Well, I wanted them to see that I was not just making it up; that this was rooted in God\u2019s Word, whether it is Proverbs wisdom or [other] Scripture as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You would have a training time at the dinner table; and you would say, \u201cHey, look, kids, you haven\u2019t been doing your chores. Here is what is going to happen, going forward\u201d; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Right; right. \u201cMom and I have not been honoring the Lord in this area. We\u2019re going to honor the Lord.\u201d Depending on the age, you might have grace time, where you say, \u201cHey, you did it again. We\u2019re not going to implement the consequence, but it is coming up\u201d; or depending on the age\u2014if they can handle it\u2014say, \u201cYou did it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, also, in my mind, it\u2019s the expectation. This circles back to the anchor: it\u2019s the expectation that, just because I said it at dinnertime, then I\u2019ll expect, \u201cOh, well, now, they are going to do it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Well no; they\u2019re not! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> So you\u2019re going to say, \u201cI\u2019m actually going to expect to have to deal out one of these consequences.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> One of the other things that we did with our kids, that is in the same vein\u2014when they were two years old\/three years old\u2014I\u2019d say, \u201cLet\u2019s play The Obey Game.\u201d That\u2019s what I called it\u2014\u201cThe Obey Game\u201d\u2014and they\u2019d go, \u201cHow do we play?\u201d I\u2019d say, \u201cYou go over there; and in just a minute, I\u2019m going to call you to come over to me. When I call you, you jump up and say, \u2018Okay, Daddy,\u2019 and you run over to me; okay?\u201d They\u2019d say, \u201cOkay, let\u2019s play that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey\u2019d go over; and they\u2019d be sitting and doing something. I\u2019d go, \u201cKatie, will you come here?\u201d She\u2019d jump up and go, \u201cOkay, Daddy,\u201d and she would run over to me. I\u2019d go, \u201cYou won the game! Way to go!\u201d I\u2019d give her a big hug. \u201cDo you want to play again?\u201d \u201cYes; let\u2019s play again.\u201d We\u2019d do this for ten minutes. Well, I\u2019m playing a game with them; but I\u2019m teaching them a pattern\/a habit that I want them to be in when they are four or five. I don\u2019t want it to be a game; I want it to be a way of life for them; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> That\u2019s solid gold. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s <em>genius<\/em>, Bob. Why haven\u2019t you shared that with us before? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Because it didn\u2019t work; okay? [Laughter] They continued to disobey\u2014no, it did have an impact and helped them with this\u2014but then, don\u2019t expect that it\u2019s just going to fix everything and, when they are four, they <em>always<\/em> obey. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s really the same game, in a sense, when they are 16,17,18; and you say to them, \u201cThe curfew is 11,\u201d\u2014\u201c\u202610,\u201d \u201c\u2026nine,\u201d\u2014whatever\u2014and they don\u2019t: \u201cOkay, Daddy\u201d; they don\u2019t show up. There is a consequence; there has to be; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It doesn\u2019t even have to be meted out in anger; it\u2019s just: \u201cThere is a consequence.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Right; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Getting a handle on how we exert our authority, without anger being the catalyst for that, that\u2019s really what is at the heart of this book and this series that you\u2019ve put together. I think this is going to help a lot of moms and dads. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Me, too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019re glad you\u2019ve been here to talk with us about it. Thanks for coming. Good to have you here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> My joy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019re also glad that you\u2019re making available for our listeners the 12-part video series that you\u2019ve done on <em>Parenting with Patience<\/em>. This is a resource you are making available, for free, for listeners. Now, you can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com; and the information about how you can access the videos is available there\u2014again, a 12-part series on <em>Parenting with Patience<\/em>\u2014who couldn\u2019t benefit from some time on that subject? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe information about the video series from Chap Bettis is available online at FamilyLifeToday.com. Access to the videos is free right now; go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information. Chap has also written a book called <em>The Disciple-Making Parent<\/em>, and we\u2019ve got that available on our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center, along with Dave and Ann Wilson\u2019s new book, <em>No Perfect Parents<\/em>. Again, information is available on the website at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can order the books from us when you call 1-800-FL-TODAY. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, we\u2019re pretty excited around here because we have a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway happening this weekend in Indianapolis, Indiana. It\u2019s been a long time. Well, we had one last month; but it\u2019s been a year since we\u2019ve had a full schedule of <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> getaways. David Robbins is here with us. David, our commitment\/our goal, here, at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> is to do whatever we can do to help couples connect well with each other around biblical truth. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Yes, Bob; our setting is obviously limited at <em>Weekend<\/em>s<em> to Remember<\/em>; and our team has done an incredible job coming up with a creative resource called <em>Dates to Remember<\/em>, where you get three moments together with your spouse to have really intentional, rich, spiritual conversations together that lead to greater intimacy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJust on Instagram<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> today, I saw a post by Emily, who said, \u201cSteve and I seriously talked for like three hours straight doing the first moment of our <em>Dates to Remember<\/em> box. There were no distractions; it was just us, and it was so awesome.\u201d She goes on and says, \u201cThis is for all couples, no matter how long you\u2019ve been together. It\u2019s so great to be intentional.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; and if you\u2019d like more information about the <em>Dates to Remember<\/em> date box, you can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com; the information is available there. You can order it from us online. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you want to find out more about the handful of <em>Weekend<\/em>s<em> to Remember<\/em> that we\u2019re going to continue having this month, May, and in June, again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com; and the information is available there. Those of you in Indianapolis, who are going to the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> this weekend, have a great weekend. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, we hope all of you have a great weekend. Hope you\u2019re able to worship together with your church family this weekend, and I hope you can join us on Monday when we\u2019re going to talk about the special bond between dads and daughters and what dads can do to help deepen that bond. <em>Conversation Starters for Dads and Their Daughters<\/em>\u2014Michelle Watson Canfield will be here with us to talk about that. I hope you can be here as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch; got some extra help this week from Bruce Goff. And of course, our entire broadcast production team is involved in all of this. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. Have a great weekend. We will see you Monday for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:27:14"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["24.93M"],"filesize_raw":["26139791"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-306821.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-306821.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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words are so important in managing our households, but sometimes our words get us in trouble. Chap Bettis discusses the need for a strategy in the home and some practical ideas of what that can look like.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-04-16.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, April 16<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I\u2019m Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. Are there parenting strategies we can employ that can help us to respond rightly and use the right words when our kids provoke us? We\u2019re going to talk with Chap Bettis about that today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. We\u2019re going to do a little test here at the beginning of\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, no!\u00a0 I hate tests. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Not for you; this is for the listeners. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Although, you can play along if you\u2019d like. [Laughter] Those of you who have children in the home\u2014that lets us off the hook on this one\u2014but if you have children in the home, when was the last time you got irritated or angry with them?\u2014has it been less than 24 hours?\u2014has it been within the last three days? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Have you gone a week without getting angry or irritated? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I thought you were going to say, \u201cHas it been in the last ten minutes?\u201d [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The reality of parenting is that frustration is always kind of easily in reach; and it can be that the kids are just out of control, and we don\u2019t know how to bring order into the chaos; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Exactly; because that can be the atmosphere of the home, especially when your kids are little. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I know, when we have our kids come visit us and bring the grandkids, which we love\u2014kids, listen: \u201cWe want you to come; we want you to bring the grandkids,\u201d\u2014it\u2019s always a joy to have them there, but we do have to become mentally prepared for the house is about to change for the next couple of days. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The level of activity is going to increase; the level of disruption is about to increase, and we have to be emotionally and mentally prepared for that; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I find that I have to go to the bathroom more. [Laughter] It\u2019s the only place I can shut the door, lock it, and be alone for some minutes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; I\u2019ll go in the bedroom; I\u2019m like, \u201cWhat are you doing?\u201d He says, \u201cI just need a little time.\u201d [Laughter] We love it, though. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019re talking about how we deal with frustration, and anger, and impatience as parents. We have a\/we have a recovering impatient parent, who is joining us. [Laughter] Chap Bettis is with us, again, on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Welcome back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Chap is an author. He is a conference speaker, speaking on parenting; wrote a book called <em>The Disciple-Making Parent<\/em> and a book we\u2019ve been talking about this week called <em>Parenting With Patience<\/em> that, as you\u2019ve shared, came out of your own reality\/your own observation\u2014your wife\u2019s observation, actually\u2014that your anger and impatience was creating the wrong kind of culture in your home. You began to go to work on this in your life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you were sitting down, with a young mom or a young dad right now, who is saying, \u201cI just, every day, find myself <em>losing<\/em> it with my kids. But Chap, you don\u2019t know; they are throwing stuff,\u201d \u201cThey are doing this\u2026\u201d \u201cOne of my kids\u2014I just put up this new thing\u2014and they tore it down.\u201d You understand the frustrations; it\u2019s a fertile field for anger to manifest itself. What\u2019s the process we go through to try to get to where we can bring peace to the home and peace to our own heart? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Well, for that specific instance, I think what you are getting at is really\u2014and I actually cover this in some of my other material like\/I call it <em>Parenting with Confidence<\/em>, <em>Parenting 101<\/em>. God has given us the right and the responsibility to rule our home well. First Timothy 3 says: \u201cA leader needs to manage his household well.\u201d That\u2019s really everybody; that\u2019s not just pastors and deacons. So to say, \u201cOkay; actually, anger here is a frustration; I\u2019m not leading my family well. I need to get a strategy to deal with those particular issues.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOn the one hand, anger is a foe in the sense that I need to fight it; I need to repent of yelling; I need to, as I walk in the door, expect that my kids are going to be yelling or whatever that is; or wake up in the morning\u2014the \u201cparenting paradox\u201d I call it\u2014we expect our children to obey, because God commands that; we expect them to disobey because they are sinful. I\u2019m going to wake up and expect that they are going to disobey; whatever happened yesterday is going to happen again. Having said that, God has called me to lead my family well to come up with some consequences. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tChildren are to obey their parents; I need to be okay with that as an authority. Now, let\u2019s go with one or two of those and let\u2019s have a plan\u2014say: \u201cThe policeman\u2014he doesn\u2019t get upset\u2014he just writes a ticket\u201d; you know? When he goes out, he\u2019s not\/he expects people to speed today; and he\u2019s got a consequence for it; it\u2019s all thought out. I think, sometimes, we are trying to parent on cruise control rather than saying, \u201cChildren are going to misbehave. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cThat\u2019s what children do.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> \u201cThat\u2019s what they do!\u201d And that\u2019s okay. \u201cWhat I can\u2019t do is yell or be frustrated, and I need to come up with a consequence.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You also talked about \u201cno trash talking.\u201d Words really do matter. Talk a little bit about that, too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> That\u2019s right in Ephesians: \u201cLet no corrupting talk come out of your mouth.\u201d That\u2019s just an incredibly convicting verse. When I\u2019ve taught on that, I say, \u201cLook in your Bible and see if there is a little asterisks there that says, \u2018\u2026unless you\u2019ve had a hard day at work,\u2019 or \u2018\u2026unless it\u2019s that time of the month,\u2019 or \u2018\u2026unless something.\u2019\u201d Are there any other exceptions?\u2014no\u2014\u201cLet no corrupting talk come out of your mouth,\u201d\u2014no trash talk. Having said that, that\u2019s going to motivate me to say, \u201cWhen this happens, what will come out of my mouth?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJesus is our example there; 1 Peter tells us: \u201cWhen He was reviled, He did not revile in return, but He blessed.\u201d So to say, \u201cOkay, this is the putting on: when my child says, \u2018No,\u2019 to me again, what am I going to say; what am I going to do?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> In the moment, when\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I was going to say the exact same words. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Were you really?! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Oh, boy! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I was literally going to say, \u201cYes; but in that moment, it\u2019s so hard\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cto have that kind of self-control.\u201d I mean, sitting here right now, it\u2019s like, \u201cYes; I can do that.\u201d [Laughter] When I\u2019m in the family room, and balls are flying, and a chunk gets taken out of my drywall\u2014or how about this?\u2014when your youngest son takes a rock and carves his name in the side of your minivan. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Seriously? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Of course, where were Mom and Dad for that amount of time?\u2014I don\u2019t know; but we came out\u2014how old was he?\u2014I don\u2019t know; four or five?\u2014and there was his name. The paint is gone all the way down to the metal. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> He\u2019s kind of marking his name in <em>everything<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> We had that same thing, where\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Really? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> \u2014we finally got a new-to-us van. I come home one day; my six-year-old and my four-year-old have a stick, and they are just like beating the van. I\u2019m like, \u201cWhat are you thinking?!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, there is this situation; so in that moment, a level of anger is expected. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You can have, actually, righteous anger without corrupting talk. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can trash talk\u2014you can end up there as well; done that many times\u2014but is it possible to be self-controlled?\u2014have a level of anger, and still be in the moment, and be honoring God? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Well, that\u2019s Ephesians 4:26; it says: \u201cIn your anger, do not sin.\u201d You are feeling that emotion\u2014you come home: and they are beating\/they\u2019ve carved into your car\u2014you\u2019re like\/and so yes, \u201cIn your anger, do not sin.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So how do you do it in that moment? I mean, if your kids are wailing on the car with a stick\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> I don\u2019t think it\u2019s wrong to go, \u201cWhat in the world are you doing?!\u201d\u2014which is exactly what I did\u2014I didn\u2019t confess that as sin. But I think\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> \u2014when you, then, take that and <em>attack<\/em>\u2014so really, yes, if that had turned into a personal attack\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014like, \u201cYou\u2019re an idiot.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Yes; yes. So words\/words\u2014 especially, words that attack their identity\u2014are just satanic. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> So that\u2019s\u2014kids are going to be kids, and a car is a car. Of course, they realize later, \u201cThat was wrong\u201d; but I don\u2019t\u2014I think, in that moment, I don\u2019t see that as sin\u2014in the moment, I didn\u2019t attack them personally; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You were stopping destructive behavior. I do think, with moms and dads, we have to pull back and go, \u201cDid we ever teach our kids not to beat the car with a stick?\u201d [Laughter] I mean, we think\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014or \u201c\u2026write their name into the car?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right; I mean, \u201cDid we ever say\u2026\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I used to do this with our kids. We\u2019d go to the grocery store, and I\u2014they had acted up at the grocery store before\u2014so I realized, \u201cI need to have the little huddle before we go into the grocery store: \u2018We\u2019re about to go into the grocery store, and here is what is going to happen. You\u2019re going to want to pull stuff off the shelves. Do you know how tempting that is?\u2014you see this stuff; you want to pull it off the shelves. I\u2019m just going to tell you: if you do that, here is going to be the consequence\u2026 So when we are in the store, and you see something and go, \u201cI want to pull that off the shelf,\u201d just think to yourself, \u201cHere is what is going to happen if I do that.\u201d\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would have that coaching moment with our kids so that I trained them. I think a lot of parents expect kids to behave and they\u2019ve never been through the training to teach them: \u201cYou don\u2019t carve your name in the side of the minivan,\u201d \u201cYou don\u2019t beat on it with a stick\u201d; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> See, I think in that case, you\u2019re showing wisdom in that you\u2019re looking ahead. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> You know the temptations for them, and you\u2019re looking ahead. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen I think, for us, then also, is to say, \u201cOkay, when they execute\u2014when they do that\/when they grab the candy or whatever\u2014then you\u2019re like, \u2018Oh, honey, sorry,\u2019 and then I\u2019m going to follow through with the\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014and the consequences; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cfollow through\u201d; right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019ve just got a brand-new idea from you, Bob; thanks. The next time we go to a woman\u2019s clothing store, I\u2019m going to say to Ann, \u201cYou\u2019re going to have the temptation to want to pull that dress off the thing\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cto buy three of them instead of\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think you\u2019re a little more tempted than I am sometimes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014at the Harley-Davidson store; maybe, a guitar store.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet\u2019s go back to Ephesians 4:26, because you mentioned that. I think there is often confusion like, \u201cWhat exactly does it mean?\u201d I\u2019ll read it to you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You be the expert and explain it. Paul writes: \u201cIn your anger, do not sin,\u201d\u2014which you talked about\u2014\u201cDo not let the sun go down while you are still angry,\u201d and \u201cDo not give the devil foothold.\u201d Break that down a little bit\u2014as a husband, or as a dad\/as in marriage or in parenting\u2014what is he saying? Obviously, he saying, \u201cIn your anger, don\u2019t sin.\u201d In other words, it <em>could<\/em> lead to sin; but it doesn\u2019t have to. Then he talks about the sun and the devil. What\u2019s going on? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Well, I think for many years, my wife and I took that literally. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So did we! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> And it just led to worse things; because when you\u2019re trying to resolve a disagreement at 11 o\u2019clock at night,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, ours were 3:30 in the morning. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Okay; you\u2019re not thinking\/you\u2019re not thinking clearly; you know? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; but it says, \u201cDon\u2019t\u2026before the sun goes down.\u201d Is that not what it means? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> I\u2019ve got that in the back\/I\u2019ve got that in a little Appendix in the back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I saw it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> I have taken that\u2014and others may disagree\u2014but I would say, now as an older person\u2014I need to release that anger, trusting that we are going to resolve it in the morning when we are both sane. I\u2019m going to, as far as possible, not go to bed angry\u2014in the sense, still harboring that\u2014because I don\u2019t know about you; but what happens if you go to bed angry, then you get up\u2014you\u2019re in the shower; you\u2019re like, \u201cOh! I should have said this,\u201d \u201cI can\u2019t believe she\u2026\u201d\u2014on and on and on. You\u2019re just like rehashing it all over; then you start again. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut praying, and giving it to the Lord, and saying, \u201cYes, we need to resolve this.\u201d It\u2019s\u2014it can\u2019t go on for weeks\u2014but in the sense that\/that is metaphorical in the sense of: \u201cYou need to resolve this quickly.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s the principle. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> It needs to be resolved quickly. I do think that, if you don\u2019t, then actually, you allow bitterness\u2014you give\/and the devil\u2019s got a place\u2014when there are all sorts of bitter people, who have these unresolved issues that they\u2019ve never forgiven. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You and your wife strategized together in parenting, even probably going through some of these issues with anger. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Yes. <br><br><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Tell us what that looked like. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> I think one of the things, really, that\u2014it\u2019s a practical application of coming up with a plan with four kids and two years apart. Our time to communicate was getting less, and then we\u2019re having more issues than we are having to talk through. We found ourselves disagreeing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the solutions that we hit upon was we kept a little notebook, where we would write down things to talk about. Rather than sort of correcting the other in the moment: \u201cYou\u2019re being too hard,\u201d\u2014or whatever\u2014or \u201cWe need to talk about this; I don\u2019t know what to do about this issue,\u201d\u2014we would keep a little notebook; each of us\/same notebook\u2014but we\u2019d write down. Then, once every two weeks, we would go out for coffee. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019m picturing, like, \u201cOh, you just did something wrong. I\u2019m going to write this in my book!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> No; but it was the sense of: \u201cI want to talk about that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Good; I think that\u2019s great. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> \u201cI think you were a little over the top that time. And it\u2019s several times; I want to talk about it.\u201d In the moment is not the time to talk about: she\u2019s not beating the kids; or I\u2019m not beating the kids; you know? In the moment is not the time to talk about it, but we can talk about it later. What a coffee date does is it pulls me in, as the dad, to say, \u201cHey, you\u2019re supposed to be responsible here.\u201d It sits down to say, \u201cWe need to come up with a plan.\u201d That was really helpful for us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, it slows down. It prevents anger because now we can say, \u201cOkay, we\u2019re going into\u2014we have problems; we have issues\u2014now, we have a plan that we are going to execute.\u201d Then we can calmly do it [plan for next time]; we can say, \u201cOkay; wait. You didn\u2019t do your chore. What was the consequence for that?\u201d\u2014\u201cOh, it\u2019s on the chart. Oh, I get an extra chore.\u201d Okay; no big deal. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I thought the character chart\u2014and that\u2019s a <em>great<\/em> part of this strategy\u2014you talk about the anger journal, and how you were using that to counsel your own heart\u2014but this character chart was a <em>great<\/em> tool. If parents want to set one of these up, they can get the book; you give them guidance there. What would you suggest? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Well, I\u2019ve used this quarantine time\u2014I\u2019ve actually worked on another video series, <em>Parenting with Confidence<\/em>; it\u2019s the <em>Parenting 101<\/em>. It\u2019s this idea of: \u201cIt\u2019s okay to be an authority: authority and affection.\u201d I think the younger generation is nailing the affection part maybe better than I did. But you also are okay being an authority; then, there need to be consequences. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay; so let\u2019s not rush past that, because I think that\u2019s a key. What do you mean when you say the younger generation is nailing the affection but not realizing they need\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> They are more emotionally-connected\u2014love their kids\/grace. There is not this harsh, \u201cYou shall obey me,\u201d\u2014just identifying with the kids\/just\u2014I mean, just really, really well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHaving said that\u2014and Spurgeon talks about this about our heavenly Father, but this is true for us as well\u2014there also needs to be authority. We, as parents, are the authority. God commands, out of His goodness, children should obey us. That\u2019s not a power trip for us; that\u2019s out of God\u2019s good plan they should obey us. Since we know they are not going to, we need to have a consequence; and that\u2019s okay, because training is action. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I just have to jump on there, too, because it\u2019s not just about your kids learning to obey you. It\u2019s about your kids learning that authority exists in the universe, first with God, then with human authorities. They need to learn how to obey authority. The home is the place where you teach them that; and if you\u2019re not teaching them that, they are going to have problems in school, or with the police, or with an employer. This is\/you\u2019re really discipling them when you say, \u201cYou\u2019ve got to learn to obey Mom and Dad.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s a gift of showing them there are consequences to their good actions and their poor actions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s biblical. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Back to the character chart: I want to set one of these up; what do I do? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> You have a coffee date\/go out\u2014well, first of all, I think you just record\u2014record what is going on in our house: \u201cWhat am I getting upset at?\u201d They are saying, \u201cNo\u201d; \u201cThey\u2019re not doing a chore.\u201d My pastor\/he was wrestling with his second grader and kindergartner; they would come home and potty talk, as he called it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo what are\/take a list and then figure out a couple of those things. Don\u2019t try and do <em>everything<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Then figure out: \u201cWhat is the consequence?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Would you tackle a single issue at a time, and do it over a three-week period?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Well, I think it depends on the age of the kids. I try and do a lot of talking: \u201cWe\u2019ve been letting you do this; but we\u2019re\/now, we\u2019re going to implement some principle or consequences.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Give an example, like delayed chore obedience. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So you have\u2014who is doing this\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014you have your child; what to put off\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014and that would be it. And then you have consequences. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You have that on your chart. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Yes; so they knew, if they didn\u2019t do a chore right away, they got an extra chore. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Then you put what to put on, and they are supposed to put on immediate obedience. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Then you had Scripture. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Right; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So how did you walk that through? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Well, I wanted them to see that I was not just making it up; that this was rooted in God\u2019s Word, whether it is Proverbs wisdom or [other] Scripture as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You would have a training time at the dinner table; and you would say, \u201cHey, look, kids, you haven\u2019t been doing your chores. Here is what is going to happen, going forward\u201d; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Right; right. \u201cMom and I have not been honoring the Lord in this area. We\u2019re going to honor the Lord.\u201d Depending on the age, you might have grace time, where you say, \u201cHey, you did it again. We\u2019re not going to implement the consequence, but it is coming up\u201d; or depending on the age\u2014if they can handle it\u2014say, \u201cYou did it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, also, in my mind, it\u2019s the expectation. This circles back to the anchor: it\u2019s the expectation that, just because I said it at dinnertime, then I\u2019ll expect, \u201cOh, well, now, they are going to do it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Well no; they\u2019re not! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> So you\u2019re going to say, \u201cI\u2019m actually going to expect to have to deal out one of these consequences.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> One of the other things that we did with our kids, that is in the same vein\u2014when they were two years old\/three years old\u2014I\u2019d say, \u201cLet\u2019s play The Obey Game.\u201d That\u2019s what I called it\u2014\u201cThe Obey Game\u201d\u2014and they\u2019d go, \u201cHow do we play?\u201d I\u2019d say, \u201cYou go over there; and in just a minute, I\u2019m going to call you to come over to me. When I call you, you jump up and say, \u2018Okay, Daddy,\u2019 and you run over to me; okay?\u201d They\u2019d say, \u201cOkay, let\u2019s play that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey\u2019d go over; and they\u2019d be sitting and doing something. I\u2019d go, \u201cKatie, will you come here?\u201d She\u2019d jump up and go, \u201cOkay, Daddy,\u201d and she would run over to me. I\u2019d go, \u201cYou won the game! Way to go!\u201d I\u2019d give her a big hug. \u201cDo you want to play again?\u201d \u201cYes; let\u2019s play again.\u201d We\u2019d do this for ten minutes. Well, I\u2019m playing a game with them; but I\u2019m teaching them a pattern\/a habit that I want them to be in when they are four or five. I don\u2019t want it to be a game; I want it to be a way of life for them; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> That\u2019s solid gold. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s <em>genius<\/em>, Bob. Why haven\u2019t you shared that with us before? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Because it didn\u2019t work; okay? [Laughter] They continued to disobey\u2014no, it did have an impact and helped them with this\u2014but then, don\u2019t expect that it\u2019s just going to fix everything and, when they are four, they <em>always<\/em> obey. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s really the same game, in a sense, when they are 16,17,18; and you say to them, \u201cThe curfew is 11,\u201d\u2014\u201c\u202610,\u201d \u201c\u2026nine,\u201d\u2014whatever\u2014and they don\u2019t: \u201cOkay, Daddy\u201d; they don\u2019t show up. There is a consequence; there has to be; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It doesn\u2019t even have to be meted out in anger; it\u2019s just: \u201cThere is a consequence.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> Right; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Getting a handle on how we exert our authority, without anger being the catalyst for that, that\u2019s really what is at the heart of this book and this series that you\u2019ve put together. I think this is going to help a lot of moms and dads. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Me, too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019re glad you\u2019ve been here to talk with us about it. Thanks for coming. Good to have you here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chap:<\/strong> My joy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019re also glad that you\u2019re making available for our listeners the 12-part video series that you\u2019ve done on <em>Parenting with Patience<\/em>. This is a resource you are making available, for free, for listeners. Now, you can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com; and the information about how you can access the videos is available there\u2014again, a 12-part series on <em>Parenting with Patience<\/em>\u2014who couldn\u2019t benefit from some time on that subject? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe information about the video series from Chap Bettis is available online at FamilyLifeToday.com. Access to the videos is free right now; go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information. Chap has also written a book called <em>The Disciple-Making Parent<\/em>, and we\u2019ve got that available on our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center, along with Dave and Ann Wilson\u2019s new book, <em>No Perfect Parents<\/em>. Again, information is available on the website at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can order the books from us when you call 1-800-FL-TODAY. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, we\u2019re pretty excited around here because we have a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway happening this weekend in Indianapolis, Indiana. It\u2019s been a long time. Well, we had one last month; but it\u2019s been a year since we\u2019ve had a full schedule of <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> getaways. David Robbins is here with us. David, our commitment\/our goal, here, at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> is to do whatever we can do to help couples connect well with each other around biblical truth. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Yes, Bob; our setting is obviously limited at <em>Weekend<\/em>s<em> to Remember<\/em>; and our team has done an incredible job coming up with a creative resource called <em>Dates to Remember<\/em>, where you get three moments together with your spouse to have really intentional, rich, spiritual conversations together that lead to greater intimacy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJust on Instagram<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> today, I saw a post by Emily, who said, \u201cSteve and I seriously talked for like three hours straight doing the first moment of our <em>Dates to Remember<\/em> box. There were no distractions; it was just us, and it was so awesome.\u201d She goes on and says, \u201cThis is for all couples, no matter how long you\u2019ve been together. It\u2019s so great to be intentional.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; and if you\u2019d like more information about the <em>Dates to Remember<\/em> date box, you can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com; the information is available there. You can order it from us online. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you want to find out more about the handful of <em>Weekend<\/em>s<em> to Remember<\/em> that we\u2019re going to continue having this month, May, and in June, again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com; and the information is available there. Those of you in Indianapolis, who are going to the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> this weekend, have a great weekend. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, we hope all of you have a great weekend. Hope you\u2019re able to worship together with your church family this weekend, and I hope you can join us on Monday when we\u2019re going to talk about the special bond between dads and daughters and what dads can do to help deepen that bond. <em>Conversation Starters for Dads and Their Daughters<\/em>\u2014Michelle Watson Canfield will be here with us to talk about that. I hope you can be here as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch; got some extra help this week from Bruce Goff. And of course, our entire broadcast production team is involved in all of this. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. Have a great weekend. We will see you Monday for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. 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