{"id":306819,"date":"2021-04-14T07:00:04","date_gmt":"2021-04-14T11:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/hope-for-dealing-with-triggers-in-marriage\/"},"modified":"2021-04-14T07:00:04","modified_gmt":"2021-04-14T11:00:04","slug":"hope-for-dealing-with-triggers-in-marriage","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/hope-for-dealing-with-triggers-in-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"Hope for Dealing With Triggers In Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Triggers in marriage can take many forms, but there&#8217;s hope! Guy and Amber Lia share insight on communication and the fulfillment we find in Christ.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-04-14.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:26:27","filesize":"24.22M","filesize_raw":"25395820","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2902,2862],"tags":[2877],"podcast_series":[8439],"cwp_profile":[9541,9706],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306819","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-resolving-conflict","category-understanding-differences","tag-marriage","podcast_series-marriage-triggers","cwp_profile-amber-lia","cwp_profile-guy-lia","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306819\/hope-for-dealing-with-triggers-in-marriage","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306819\/hope-for-dealing-with-triggers-in-marriage","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"D4C58gVWnh\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/hope-for-dealing-with-triggers-in-marriage\/\">Hope for Dealing With Triggers In Marriage<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/hope-for-dealing-with-triggers-in-marriage\/embed\/#?secret=D4C58gVWnh\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Hope for Dealing With Triggers In Marriage&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"D4C58gVWnh\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Triggers in marriage can take many forms, but there's hope! Guy and Amber Lia share insight on communication and the fulfillment we find in Christ.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-04-14.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Disappointments will happen in a marriage relationship; all of us will experience being disappointed. Amber Lia says the key for her has been to reset her thinking in the midst of her disappointments.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> In order for me to feel loved in my relationship with my husband, I had to stop thinking about all the ways I didn\u2019t think Guy was meeting my needs. I had to start thinking, \u201cWhat can I do to make sure he feels loved?\u201d This is convicting, as I\u2019m even saying it now, because I know this is an area I need to work on right now still.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, April 14<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. Are there areas in your marriage, where maybe you need a mental reset?\u2014a little recalibration? We\u2019re going to talk about how to think rightly about your marriage today. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. When we were working on the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> video series\u2014that we produced that a lot of couples have started going through; this is really exciting to have small groups going through this new video series that we\u2019ve put together\u2014but we invited eight or nine couples to come and just share with us their experience of the things in their relationship that have challenged their love for one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere was one couple, Harold and Candace, who came and told a story about\u2014it fits in with what we\u2019re talking about\u2014talked about how Candace would do things in their relationship that were triggering for her husband\/for Harold. Here\u2019s\/let me play this for you, because here\u2019s what they shared with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[<em>Love Like You Mean It <\/em>Excerpt]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Harold:<\/strong> So one of the biggest issues I would say in our marriage is finances. She was used to buying what she wanted. If she saw something she liked, she got it. Whereas, I came from an area\/I\u2019m very conscious about what I\u2019m buying and looking at what I\u2019m buying and researching. Recently, we just made a very large purchase; we bought a camper. She went and bought some $25 stickers to put on the back wall as a backsplash. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Candace:<\/strong> This is the\/this is a used camper; and it was in really, really good condition. It looks like they never used it. I loved everything except that fabric, and I don\u2019t like that little wallpaper strip that they have in the back of the backsplash. I did buy $25 stickers to stick to the backsplash. The thing is there was only four of them; and I needed like six packs, because it was only four stickers for $25. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Harold:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Candace:<\/strong> But I took it back!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Harold:<\/strong> She did take it back because she saw my face when I opened the door and she told me how much those cost. [Laughter] It\u2019s one of those things that it took a long time for that understanding; right? In the beginning\/I would say, if this happened six years ago, we would have had an all-out argument over those stickers.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Candace:<\/strong> And I would have thought to put the stickers up before he saw them; that way, I wouldn\u2019t have been able to take them back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Harold:<\/strong> Right. One of the things that always happens is\u2014in the beginning of our relationship and our marriage\u2014that one action turned into a <em>thousand<\/em> actions. We <em>never<\/em> got to the issue that was at hand because we were too busy talking about everything else and trying to one-up each other.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Candace:<\/strong> Instead of discussing what was at hand, which is the finances, we used to be focused so much on: \u201cAre you right?\u201d \u201cAm I right?\u201d And if I can\u2019t say that you\u2019re wrong on finances, I\u2019m going to find like 16 other things that you did 17 Tuesdays ago.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Harold:<\/strong> She was really, really good at timestamping. As a male, I\u2019m really, really, really bad at timestamping; so it made me even angrier, because she had all these timestamps. I had to start keeping a calendar of all the stuff she did. It became this tit for tat. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt just caused so much issues that\u2014it came to a point to where we got some great advice from our pastor\u2014he told us that we need to pray for each other every night. We need to learn how to put God first in our relationship. That\u2019s the one thing that we have kept to this day is that\u2014when we feel things are starting to get off balance in our relationship, and things are not going the way they are supposed to\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Candace:<\/strong> \u2014it\u2019s like a quick reality check.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Harold:<\/strong> \u2014it\u2019s a quick reality check.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Candace:<\/strong> Because only God can do those changes and mold those things that we need to do to each other for anything.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Harold:<\/strong> Definitely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I love that clip, but did you hear all that was involved with that? There was the finance issue. Then there was the bringing up other issues\u2014if I\u2019m fighting with you about something, and I don\u2019t have an answer for that one, I\u2019m just going to bring up something else to weigh out the scales\u2014then, at the end, it\u2019s like: \u201cSo here\u2019s what we learned: if we pray together, that changes things; that makes a difference. That puts us back in the right focus.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That made everyone want to go through your small group curriculum. [Laughter] That is good stuff\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014your <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> curriculum.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, there\u2019s such a need for couples to know: \u201cWhat do we do when we run up against these things that are just those perpetual triggers?\u201d There\u2019s no better word for it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re talking this week about triggers in our marriage relationship. Guy and Amber Lia are joining us. Guys, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Thank you!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Thank you very much.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Guy and Amber have written a book called <em>Marriage Triggers<\/em>, where they\u2019ve taken 31 triggers\/things that couples will say, \u201cBoy, these are where we just keep finding ourselves in conflict; and we just get annoyed with one another.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIs money one of the things that couples identified as a trigger?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Absolutely; finances are our\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> It\u2019s probably one of the first.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes; one of the bigger ones, for sure; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Because typically in a marriage, one person is going to lean more in the direction of: \u201cWe need to conserve, and save, and buy on sale, and be thrifty.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s boring. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The other one\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I wonder who that is in our marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The other one is going to be the person, who says, \u201cNo, we\u2019ve got it; we should spend it. We should\/this is why you have money, so you can spend it on stuff\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014\u201con other people.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cwe\u2026\u201d\u2014[Laughter]\u2014or \u201cmaybe on other people.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you do have\u2014I was sitting down with a couple recently\u2014and the husband said, \u201cDo you know how many pairs of shoes she has?\u201d [Laughter] And he\/you could tell this was a trigger for him and how money got spent in their home. What do you do if that\u2019s an issue that you\u2019re dealing with in marriage? How do you get to resolution on that trigger?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> It would take us a whole series just to talk about finance issues; right? And there are better people, more equipped on the issue of financing and budgeting, that can help people on that than us; but what we\u2019ve learned, ultimately, is that the root of all of these triggers\u2014and it\u2019s true for finances, too\u2014is this is about coming together, communicating well, and then, establishing a respectful boundary and pattern of behavior that we\u2019re going to do or not do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf we\u2019re going to talk about finances, we would get into arguing about finances\u2014because he\u2019d come home from work, and it\u2019s getting late; we\u2019d get the kids down; I\u2019m tired; he\u2019s tired\u2014and then I would want to start a conversation about finances: \u201cOkay, I\u2019ve paid the bills today. Let\u2019s talk about this.\u201d Okay; that was a <em>disaster<\/em> waiting to happen. We talk about in our book\u2014not just \u201cWhat are the triggers?\u201d\u2014but even \u201cWhat are your trigger moments?\u201d Because we would often try to talk about finances late at night after the kids went to bed. That was our time we could finally talk about these kinds of things; it just was always so volatile\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014<em>because<\/em> you\u2019re tired.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> \u2014because we\u2019re tired.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> I was exhausted; it was the last thing I wanted to do. I had been waiting all day to sit down with my wife and just relax; and now, she wants to start talking about deep, hurtful, sore areas of whatever.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> \u201cThere\u2019s not enough money here,\u201d and \u201cThis thing I need here.\u201d It just was not\/well, not a good idea to have those conversations at those times. Really, whether it\u2019s finances or any other tough issue, especially if you have people that have differing views or styles, it\u2019s really important to have these conversations outside of conflict and at a time when you are refreshed\/when you can both be reasonable about it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe often try to have meaningful conversations or problem solve in the heat of conflict,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> \u2014and it never works! You look at your children, and you try to teach them a lesson as they\u2019re bawling their eyes out\/tantrum-ing on the floor\u2014\u201cNow, I\u2019m going to teach you a lesson\u201d; and it doesn\u2019t work. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re the same way. Now why did I think it was a good idea, just because the kids weren\u2019t around, that this made it an ideal time to have a conversation about finances? It <em>wasn\u2019t<\/em> an ideal time. I needed to talk that out with him\u2014you know, once a month\u2014\u201cLet\u2019s go over our budget and kind of see where we\u2019re at.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA lot of people have an established salary; we didn\u2019t. We worked in the entertainment industry\u2014writing books\u2014things like that. Every month looks a little different; so we have some unique challenges, where we need to get our finances in order. We have those conversations; the key is respect and finding out what matters to each person.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think, as you broke your book into external and internal triggers, the financial one often is internal. It can be easy to say: \u201cI\u2019m triggered by my husband bringing this up,\u201d\u2014or \u201c\u2026my wife\u2026\u201d\u2014but it\u2019s really probably fear. That\u2019s a real trigger in the middle of a marriage. It\u2019s like there\u2019s a fear-thing going on in one of us or both of us; and it\u2019s easy to point the finger and say, \u201cYou brought this up.\u201d It\u2019s really inside; and that\u2019s a thing we\u2019ve got to take to God and say, \u201cYou\u2019re the only One that can help with the fear-thing.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Jesus recognized that this whole topic of money\u2014it matters\u2014because it\u2019s a reflection of our hearts.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And your point about when, and where, and how we have the conversations to resolve these issues\u2014whatever the issues are: whether it\u2019s money, or parenting, or romance, or whatever is triggering you\u2014one of the things we talk about at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae <\/sup>marriage getaways that we do is: \u201cWhen it\u2019s time to address conflict areas, you need to stop and say: \u2018What do I want to say?\u2019 \u2018How do I want to say it?\u2019 \u2018When is the best time to communicate this?\u2019 \u2018What\u2019s the best location for having this conversation?\u2019 rather than, just in the moment, \u2018I\u2019m feeling this, so now we must talk about it.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And all of that requires self-control.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s such a good thing to stop and not just go on what we\u2019re feeling in the moment\u2014because many times we\u2019ll just let it all out, and it\u2019s not healthy or good\u2014but instead, it gives you time to pray, to consider, to think about how I\u2019m going to say it or present it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, let\u2019s talk about another internal trigger I think is one of your big ones in the book is the trigger\u2014you call it: \u201cWhen you don\u2019t feel loved,\u201d\u2014I mean, that\u2019s external <em>and<\/em> internal. Talk about that one; because I\u2019m guessing the second we just said that, everybody just went\/they\u2019re leaning in right now, like, \u201cHelp me with this one.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> When we are in a marriage that\u2019s triggered, there are a lack of feelings often. We know that we\u2019re committed to each other\u2014Guy and I\u2014but we didn\u2019t want to just be committed; we wanted to feel loved. Guy and I talk about, for a long time, we didn\u2019t feel loved; and so we were reactionary. Everything was a reaction to one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf this was going to change\/if we were going to start <em>feeling<\/em> loved, we had to actually put commitment to the test and really decide that we were going to commit to be <em>proactive<\/em> instead of <em>reactive<\/em>. We had to ask ourselves\u2014instead of just trying to resolve conflict all the time\u2014\u201cWhy are we not on the <em>offense<\/em> mode\u2014of \u2018Let\u2019s be proactive,\u2019\u2014to actually foster our loving relationship?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI have to, in the heat of the moment when conflicts come, I have to remember, first of all, that Guy\u2019s on my team; he\u2019s not the enemy. I need to think about: \u201cIs the way that I\u2019m talking to him loving?\u201d God says, \u201cAs far as it depends on you, be at peace with everyone.\u201d Am I being a peacemaker?\u2014or am I trying to win this argument?\u2014or am I trying to allow love to win this situation? Is love going to win, or am I going to win? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn order for me to <em>feel loved<\/em> in my relationship with my husband, I had to stop thinking about all the ways I didn\u2019t think Guy was meeting my needs. I had to start thinking, \u201cWhat can I do to make sure he feels loved?\u201d This is convicting, as I\u2019m even saying it now, because I know this is an area I need to work on right now still. The key difference though is that, when we\u2019re not feeling those loving emotions, it\u2019s very easy to go to a pity party place. I had to start just saying \u201cLord, I don\u2019t even know where to begin, necessarily; but I know that You are love, and so help me demonstrate what that looks like in my marriage.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Let me get real specific here\u2014and I want to do this in as delicate a way as possible\u2014but there are some spouses, who are triggered when their spouse says, \u201cWhat about tonight?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There are other spouses, who are triggered when their spouse says, \u201cAww, not tonight.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So what do we do when there is disappointment in this area?\u2014or when there\u2019s frustration on the other side, where it\u2019s just like, \u201cI feel like there\u2019s more demand here than I have capacity for.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> A lack of intimacy\/a lack of affection, both of those things can be incredibly painful triggers, at times, in a couple\u2019s relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> I think it does come down, again, to communication about where we\u2019re both at and having to talk that through a bit. Amber and I\/I think, when we dealt with this kind of an area, and I was not feeling loved, I would shut down. When Amber was not feeling loved, she would turn on in many ways; and she would start demanding more. We were on very different pages. I think, when I started to realize that, and I could <em>see<\/em> it, I was able to adjust; but it took a long time for me to get to that place.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> The main issue, I think for a lot of us, is just to recognize this [marital intimacy] is something that God ordained in marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> It is for our good. Once again, this is about: \u201cWhy is this not happening?\u201d and \u201cCan we work through that?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have a chapter in the book that talks just about busy schedules. Sometimes, it\u2019s not a lack of desire; it\u2019s just all the things that are pressing in on us\u2014and especially, once you have children\u2014it\u2019s hard to just make time for one another to foster affection\/to foster intimacy. Again, this is about being proactive. We get our calendar out; we got out colored pens, and we just started coloring in our calendar: \u201cOkay, all the stuff in blue is boys.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You have an intimacy calendar? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> We have an intimacy calendar. We put it in\/we tell couples: \u201cYou know what? Foster this by putting it in your calendar.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What color does this get in your calendar? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Let me just say I have talked to couples about this; because I think there are a lot of people, who hear you talk about scheduling intimacy, and they go, \u201cAre you kidding me? It should be spontaneous.\u201d I go, \u201cThe only thing that is worse than scheduling intimacy is not having any.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> That\u2019s right; that\u2019s it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So if your option is: \u201cLet\u2019s have perpetual frustration,\u201d or \u201cLet\u2019s mark out some times when we\u2019re going to be together, and we can look forward to that,\u201d\u2014there\u2019s nothing wrong with that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014which is really good advice; because you know\/I mean, I\u2019m sitting here, listening to the conversation. I\u2019m like, \u201cWell, I was triggered by this issue, especially, when the kids were little,\u201d\u2014triggered; and I was frustrated, and\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And I was triggered at his lack of affection, like: \u201cWhy don\u2019t you hug me anymore?\u201d \u201cWhy don\u2019t you kiss me anymore?\u201d We\u2019re both going off on these triggers.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And that\u2019s\u2014Amber, what you said earlier; I thought was so beautiful\u2014it\u2019s like it was so easy for me, and I guess Ann was doing the same thing, to only see it through my lens. It\u2019s your problem until I understood what she just said: \u201cYou\u2019re not affectionate,\u201d \u201cYou don\u2019t kiss me,\u201d \u201cWe don\u2019t talk lovingly.\u201d It wasn\u2019t until I was like, \u201cShe\u2019s feeling the exact same thing\u201d; I <em>never<\/em> considered it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt came down to\u2014Amber, I said this\/you said this so well earlier\u2014I thought, \u201cWe can\u2019t miss this.\u201d Because when you were feeling\u2014and you put in your book you were really sad, because you weren\u2019t feeling loved\u2014most people think: \u201cWell, I need to get my husband to love me,\u201d or \u201cI need to get my wife to love me.\u201d You said, \u201cNo; I had to flip it and be: \u2018How can I love him?\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> <em>Nobody<\/em> goes there. They go the opposite: \u201cI have a need. You\u2019re not meeting it; you better meet it,\u201d\u2014rather than\u2014\u201cI have a need that\u2019s not being met, and guess what? I\u2019m going to love and serve my spouse, who\u2019s not meeting it, and find my happiness there,\u201d\u2014which, when you said it, I thought, \u201cJesus said, \u2018You want to find your life?\u2014lose it.\u201d It\u2019s the paradox that none of us thinks makes sense; but when you do it, we\u2019re all shaking our head, going, \u201cThat\u2019s exactly what happens. When you <em>serve<\/em> your spouse, the need you thought you were trying to fill gets filled in a beautiful different way.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019m guessing, Amber, that for you, you went to Jesus with that need.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes; I recognized that no person, no position, no possession was ever going to fulfill what I was looking to fill by looking at Guy. Nothing was going to do that; it had to be Jesus. Jesus was it, because Christ says your number-one role in the world is to love God and love others\/love your neighbor and love God. If this is the number-one thing I\u2019m supposed to be focused on\u2014that doesn\u2019t just mean the person next door\u2014that means my husband. In order for me to do that, I need to be fulfilled from Jesus and from my relationship with God, not from him [spouse]. I\u2019ve got to get poured into, so I can be the one to pour out to him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe talk in the book about having a me-first attitude. This is a real lightbulb moment for me. I recognize I had to have a me-first attitude. You think about that and you go, \u201cDoes that mean you\u2019re like selfish?\u201d\u2014like, \u201cMe first,\u201d\u2014but really, it was: \u201cOkay, all these things I\u2019m expecting from Guy: I want him to be the first one to do the dishes; I want him to be the first one to schedule a date night with me; I want him to be the first one to compliment me\/to woo me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen I began to realize: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNo, Amber; you need to have a me-first attitude that <em>you<\/em> do that first. <em>You<\/em> be the first one to do the dishes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you want him to go on a date night, and plan a romantic getaway, how\u2019s that serving you, Amber, to be bitter that he\u2019s not doing it yet?\u2014that he\u2019s not picking up on the hints. It\u2019s not serving you very well; is it? It\u2019s just making everybody miserable; because now, you\u2019re just bent out of shape; and he doesn\u2019t even know why, because you\u2019re not even willing to communicate with him why. He just has to <em>guess<\/em>. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I just recognize this has got to be about me having a me-first attitude.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I love the theme of, every time we\u2019ve talked to you: \u201cI\u2019m going to look at <em>me<\/em>.\u201d That\u2019s a good point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> A new book! <em>Me-First Marriage<\/em>, [Laughter] which sounds ridiculous; but when you understand the concepts, like: \u201cThat will change [each other].\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is really what we\u2019re talking about. James 4 begins this way: \u201cWhat causes quarrels and fights among you?\u201d So in your marriage, what causes quarrels and fights among you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> What are your triggers?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> How does the Bible answer that?\u2014this way: \u201cIs it not this, that your passions are at war within you?\u201d Now, we think what causes fights and quarrels among us is this other person.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The Bible says: \u201cNo; what causes it is what\u2019s at war within you: \u2018You desire and you don\u2019t have, so you murder. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Wow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201c\u2019You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe Bible\u2019s telling us the source of the conflict that you\u2019re having is the war inside of you; and if you want to deal with the conflict\u2014I mean, I think you guys are right: you have the coffee dates, and you have those conversations, and you work out\/you adjust your expectations\u2014but you also go: \u201cWhat\u2019s at war within me? What are the passions that I\u2019ve got to deal with?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd ultimately, you go, \u201cLord, help me here. Lord, I need to deal with the issues in my own heart and my own soul.\u201d The trigger is not necessarily my spouse; the trigger is something inside of me: \u201cLet me deal with that,\u201d and \u201cGod, help me deal with that\u201d; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> It can be an idol; it becomes an idol.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Because the desire for intimacy\/for an ideal marriage became an idol for me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Me, too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> The minute I started to bow down to that idol, our marriage worsened. The minute I decided to tear down that idol, and put Jesus back in His proper role as my Savior and my everything, then Guy was finally free; and the Holy Spirit was free to work on Guy, because I got out of the way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think, if a listener is going to order your book, which they should, you should probably text your spouse and say, \u201cJust so you know\u2014and you don\u2019t get this in the mail and go, \u2018Oh, you ordered this book?\u2019; okay, I\u2019m ordering this for <em>me<\/em>.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is a great book for couples to just open it up and say, \u201cYou pick two; I\u2019ll pick two. Let\u2019s have a coffee date. We\u2019ll talk about these.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThank you, guys. Thanks for the book; thanks for the conversation. So glad to have you guys here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Absolutely, thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> We\u2019re so grateful.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And I\u2019m thinking a lot of our listeners are going to want a copy of the book. We\u2019re making the book available this week to any <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listener who can support the ongoing work of the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. If you are willing to invest in the lives of other couples\/other families so that they can be strengthened, and equipped, and encouraged with practical biblical help and hope for their marriage and for their family, we\u2019d like to say, \u201cThank you for your donation,\u201d by sending you a copy of Guy and Amber Lia\u2019s book, <em>Marriage Triggers: Exchanging Spouses\u2019 Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses<\/em>\u2014that\u2019s the subtitle. I think it\u2019s what we all want, and this book helps us understand how we do that: \u201cWhat are the things that trigger us?\u201d and \u201cWhat\u2019s the right way to respond when we are triggered?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, the book is called <em>Marriage Triggers<\/em>. It\u2019s our gift to you when you invest in the lives of couples and families, all around the world, by investing in the work of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. There are hundreds of thousands of people, every day, who are plugging into FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> to get the help and hope they need, and you make that possible through your donations. You can donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call to donate: 1-800-FL-TODAY is our number; 1-800-358-6329; 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d Be sure to ask for your copy of the book, <em>Marriage Triggers,<\/em> when you donate. We\u2019re happy to send that to you; and thanks, in advance, for your support of this ministry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd while we\u2019re talking about people, who are supporting this ministry, David Robbins, who is the president of FamilyLife, is here with us. You want to give a shout-out today to the folks who support us every month\u2014our Legacy Partners\u2014right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. The consistent faithful giving\u2014of that ongoing month in\/month out\u2014that enables us to know the capacity we have to continue to take these timeless truths of Scriptures\u2014and marriage and family help\u2014to as many people as possible. I just got this email, recently, from a Legacy Partner, who said, \u201cI\u2019ve only listened to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for a few months; but I have found that it\u2019s almost always a great combination of enriching, and useful, and edifying.\u201d He says, \u201cWhile I can only give a little, a bunch of folks giving a little adds up; and I love being able to, at least, chip into something as worthwhile as ministering to marriages and families.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just\/I do just want to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d to this listener, who\u2019s giving what he can, and to all of you who give monthly. You allow us to take the gospel and the biblical principles of marriage and family to more and more people on every corner of the world.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; thank you, Legacy Partners. We are indeed grateful for your faithful, regular support of this ministry; it means so much to us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, we hope you can join us, again, tomorrow. We\u2019re going to talk about how important it is for us to be patient as parents. Our kids can provoke us and can irritate us the same way we can irritate one another in marriage. How do we respond patiently when our kids are pushing our buttons? Chap Bettis is going to join us tomorrow to talk about that. We hope you can be here as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch. We got some help from Bruce Goff today and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. 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