{"id":306817,"date":"2021-04-13T07:00:04","date_gmt":"2021-04-13T11:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/breaking-the-cycle-of-fighting\/"},"modified":"2021-04-13T07:00:04","modified_gmt":"2021-04-13T11:00:04","slug":"breaking-the-cycle-of-fighting","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/breaking-the-cycle-of-fighting\/","title":{"rendered":"Breaking the Cycle of Fighting"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>How can we be outward focused and winsome to our friends and neighbors if we are constantly fighting each other? Guy and Amber Lia speak about how to deal with conflict and reflect Christ&#8217;s love to one another.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-04-13.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:28:13","filesize":"25.83M","filesize_raw":"27086893","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2902,2862],"tags":[2877],"podcast_series":[8439],"cwp_profile":[9541,9706],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306817","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-resolving-conflict","category-understanding-differences","tag-marriage","podcast_series-marriage-triggers","cwp_profile-amber-lia","cwp_profile-guy-lia","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306817\/breaking-the-cycle-of-fighting","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306817\/breaking-the-cycle-of-fighting","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"1SDjnYF5fE\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/breaking-the-cycle-of-fighting\/\">Breaking the Cycle of Fighting<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/breaking-the-cycle-of-fighting\/embed\/#?secret=1SDjnYF5fE\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Breaking the Cycle of Fighting&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"1SDjnYF5fE\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"How can we be outward focused and winsome to our friends and neighbors if we are constantly fighting each other? Guy and Amber Lia speak about how to deal with conflict and reflect Christ's love to one another.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-04-13.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>In marriage, all of us have ways we can irritate one another. For Guy and Amber Lia, one of the challenges they faced was just the reality that their days were very different days.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> I\u2019d be at work all day long: I\u2019m getting to go step away to the coffee maker and get coffee; I have great meetings in my office; I\u2019m going to lunch with friends. I come home and not understand her world, and the difficulty of taking care of a colicky\/you know, acid reflux child.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> \u2014who never slept!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> \u2014who never slept; she never got sleep. I would come home and not have that perspective of understanding what her world was like all day long.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, April 13<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. The Bible tells us we are to \u201cbear one another\u2019s burdens,\u201d or at least, have empathy for one another. We\u2019ll talk today about how we can cultivate that in marriage. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. One of the things we have said, for years, at the FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup><em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019m wondering which of these things you\u2019re going to pull out right now.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014I remember one of our co-speakers, our friend Gary Rosberg, was up on the platform one time. He said, \u201cAlright! Let\u2019s just get it out of the way. I\u2019ve got conflict; you\u2019ve got conflict; all God\u2019s children have what?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cConflict!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cConflict!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And he just said, \u201cHere\u2019s the principle: conflict is common to every marriage. The goal of marriage is not to be conflict-free\u2014that\u2019s a pie in the sky; it\u2019s never going to happen\u2014it\u2019s two sinful people living together; there\u2019s going to be conflict. The goal is to know how to handle conflict, rightly, when it occurs.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember listening to an episode of Focus on the Family<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> years ago. Gary Smalley was on; Gary said, \u201cI\u2019m going to tell you\u201d\u2014Gary Smalley talked like this [Bob speaks softly]\u2014\u201cI\u2019m going to tell you the one thing\/the one skill, if a couple can get this skill down, it\u2019s the one skill that makes all the difference in marriage.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m listening; I\u2019m going, \u201cI\u2019m co-hosting a marriage and family radio show. I should know what this one skill is, and I don\u2019t know!\u201d [Laughter] I keep listening; and he says, \u201cIt\u2019s the ability to resolve conflict. If you know how to resolve conflict,\u201d\u2014he was saying\u2014\u201cthat\u2019s going to take care of so many issues.\u201d I thought, \u201cWell, that makes sense. You\u2019re going to have conflict. If you know how to deal with it, you can have oneness in your marriage. If you don\u2019t know how to deal with it, you\u2019re going to be in isolation.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; and the marriage guru, John Gottman, says the same thing. You know, he\u2019s really an expert on it. It comes down to\u2014I remember, at our church, we\u2019ve done many marriage conferences and weekend series\u2014but one year, we said, \u201cWe\u2019re going to do two days of a marriage conference at our church only on one thing. Every talk will be about one thing: conflict.\u201d Because we all know how to have it; few of us know how to resolve it. We thought, \u201cOkay, that\u2019s going to limit the number of people, who [will] come, because it\u2019s just\u2026\u201d It <em>sold out <\/em>in like 30 minutes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Wow!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Three thousand people\u2014bam!\u2014and we are there. \u201cWhoa! You just hit something!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Our church attendance actually <em>grew<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014during that series; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019ve got Guy and Amber Lia joining us this week on <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>Guys, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Thank you!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Thank you; it\u2019s nice to be back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I guess they\u2019re here, because they have conflict; is that why? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes, we sure do! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014like every other marriage in the world.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Guy and Amber live in Southern California. They\u2019re involved in video production and all kinds of projects in the entertainment industry. Amber\u2019s been here before; she and Wendy Speake wrote a book on <em>Triggers<\/em>, the way parents get triggered by their kids and how we deal with that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, Guy and Amber have brought that wisdom to bear on the marriage relationship, with a book on <em>Marriage Triggers. <\/em>You list 31 triggers in this book. Where do you want to start?\u2014which trigger?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, I mean, obviously, you know, you are the authors, and you\u2019re the experts; but you have the external triggers that come from the outside\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014often other people\u2014and then internal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut the first one\u2014I\u2019m one of those people who likes to read <em>real <\/em>books by <em>real <\/em>people\u2014not that I don\u2019t like experts\u2014but you know, <em>people.<\/em> \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen we wrote our book, the first response from one of our friends was, \u201cWow! You\u2019re so real. I think our marriage is a lot better than yours.\u201d [Laughter] And when I read your book, I felt the same thing\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014like, \u201cWow! They are so real!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd the first trigger\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> \u201cThey\u2019re really messed up, those guests!\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, and that\u2019s why we loved it!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Aw, loved it from the start! And I did not expect the first chapter to be where you started.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I found myself going, \u201cOh, this is\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cThis is really real!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cThis is universal!\u2019\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019m guessing almost every couple has thought it. You called the first trigger: \u201cWhen you married \u2018Mr. Wrong\u2019 or \u2018Ms. All Wrong.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Amber wrote this chapter, and it\u2019s about your own marriage. Walk us through that one.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Yes, I\u2019ll let Amber talk to you about the chapter; but I will say this was a surprise post that came out of Amber when she was a blogger\u2014that\u2019s kind of where it started\u2014and I didn\u2019t know she was posting it until after I read it online. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That would be a trigger!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> There\u2019s a trigger!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> It was a little shocking! It was a little shocking; I got a little sweaty in the first half of the post.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes, it hinted at the content here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> And then, I understood where it was going.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> And it really, I think, defines our relationship and how we like to share and are okay with our dirty laundry being shown.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes, I wrote that\/you know, this chapter is the extended version of that little blog post. I had written that after Guy and I had worked through some pretty big hurdles and triggers in our own marriage. What I realized, when I was wallowing in a lot of my anguish early on\u2014because we were so triggered and had such a difficult marriage for so long\u2014was that I felt, a lot of the time, like, maybe, I had just married the wrong person.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> \u201cDid I make a mistake here?\u201d \u201cDid <em>he<\/em> make a mistake?\u201d \u201cDid I marry Mr. Wrong?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd then the Lord began to show me that he had married Ms. All Wrong, and that\u2019s when things began to turn: when I acknowledged my own part in this battle that we were fighting against each other. I want to give hope and encouragement to couples, who are in that place today. You know, they\u2019re listening, and they\u2019re going, \u201cI have felt that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> \u201cI\u2019ve wondered if I married the wrong person: \u2018Is this Mr. Wrong?\u2019 \u2018Is this Ms. All Wrong?\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I discovered, as I decided to <em>lean into<\/em> the Lord, and say, \u201cLord, I can\u2019t change Guy. I have been trying, and trying, and trying; and it has gotten me nowhere except in a place of sorrow and conflict. This is not life to the full that You said you came to give us\u2014\u2018life to the full\u2019\u2014\u2014and we\u2019re not experiencing it; so Lord, start with me! You\u2019ve got to just dial in with me.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I realized that <em>nobody<\/em> was going to be Mr. Right, because we are fallen people.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> We\u2019re sinful, fallen people. You know, he has his unique personality and issues; I have my unique personality and issues. Then, our marriage is going to have its own unique personality, and its own issues. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe needed to come together and work through them together, recognizing that I didn\u2019t marry the wrong person; he didn\u2019t marry the wrong person. The moment we said, \u201cI do,\u201d we became a match made in heaven; because we had made a vow and a commitment. So if you are married, and you\u2019ve made those vows, you are a match made in heaven. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; and you said\/in your book, you said: \u201cOur spouses were never meant to be our Savior\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cor the source of our happiness.\u201d I\u2019m guessing that\u2019s one of the reasons I love the chapter, because our book, <em>Vertical Marriage, <\/em>it was that thing\u2014it\u2019s like everybody thinks they married the wrong person\u2014but we say, \u201cYou\u2019re looking in the wrong place\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cbecause you\u2019re looking to your spouse.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And you discovered, \u201cIt\u2019s about me changing me and finding it there,\u201d which is a <em>powerful<\/em> way, I thought, to start the book. You go vertical; you go, \u201cTake your eyes off of each other,\u201d\u2014from the very beginning\u2014\u201cPut them on Him; put them on yourself,\u201d\u2014and then say\u2014\u2018Let\u2019s go on a journey.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And then, trigger number two\u2014and there\u2019s no way we\u2019re going to go through all thirty-one\u2014but this is a big one for us, and I love it! Based on the research, it\u2019s one of the ones that rises up from your couples is: \u201cThe house being a mess.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> How is that a trigger for people?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Oh, man! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Do you remember?\u2014we talked about before, you know, we got married\u2014late on\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We talked about your clean and tidy apartment; I remember [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Exactly! Exactly!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Yes; exactly!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think that\u2019s abundantly clear.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> So add in the dirty house, coming home from a busy day of work\u2014and my wrong perspective, thinking that my wife should have things nice by the time I get home\u2014and I think really changed\/it caused a lot of problems in the beginning.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> With a baby on each hip, and a broom in my mouth, I guess. I don\u2019t know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I bet that went over really well! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Oh, yeah!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Actually, let\u2019s just all say\u2014every listener can agree\u2014when you have little kids, your house is <em>always<\/em> messy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> There\u2019s turmoil; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> There\u2019s just paraphernalia about that is child-centered; you can\u2019t help it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, my clutter tolerance is higher than my wife\u2019s clutter tolerance. I mean, I can look and go, \u201cI\u2019m comfortable with this.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There\u2019s a little table right next to my chair in the den. I\u2019ll sit in that chair; and that table gets piled up with some books, and some papers, and there are some remote controls and some flash drives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think I saw eight remote controls, Bob! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There\u2019s a bunch of stuff on that table! I know where everything is: it\u2019s in arm\u2019s reach; it\u2019s good. Mary Ann will periodically look at that table and go, \u201cCan we straighten that up?\u201d And I say, \u201cStraighten it up? It will just be messy in a week again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Ohh, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cWhy straighten it up?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is\/this stuff drives me crazy. I\u2019m a clean person.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I would have found that table in the trash; that\u2019s what would have happened. She wouldn\u2019t have asked me to clean it up; it would have been removed! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Amber, you\u2019ll understand how messed up this is. Like, I just thought\u2014you have expectations of yourself, even, when you have little kids\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014and I think, \u201cI am <em>never <\/em>going to let my house get messy!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Boy, yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So then, I was thinking, \u201cI\u2019m going to teach our son to not be messy.\u201d I gave him this little apron thing, like, \u201cI\u2019m going to clean house, and I\u2019m going to teach him.\u201d He was like two! I put this little squirt bottle in there and a little dusting cloth; I\u2019m patting myself.\u201d [Laughing] Look at Bob\u2019s face!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You scarred your two-year-old by giving him an apron! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> He liked it! He liked spraying everything all over the place, and he was creating more mess than the help.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yep.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You know what? I totally gave up on that. This child is an amazing man; but I\u2019m telling you\u2014if he came in my house right now, and he walked through it, and I came home later, I could tell he was there; because every cabinet\u2019s open\u2014he doesn\u2019t see any of the mess! And I just think\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> [Laughing] It drives you crazy!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It does, but it\u2019s who he is!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, you\u2019ve got some people, listening right now, that go, \u201cI\u2019m sorry, but this is really a big deal to me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cTo walk into a messy house is just\u2014I cannot do it! I\u2019ve got to have some help.\u201d And the other spouse is going, \u201cWell, then, have the maid come at 3:30; because there\u2019s no way I can do all of this, and give you your clean house.\u201d How do these couples deal with this thing?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes; practically, it\u2019s a real thing. Guy and I had to, again, have a loving, honest conversation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> There were things I could have done, practically, to make it a little bit more appealing, aesthetically, for him when he came in the door. Likewise, there were things that he could have done to adjust his expectation and, also, to chip in. We had that conversation: \u201cAlright, practically, what can we do? What\u2019s the biggest problem for you when you come home? I can\u2019t do all ten things, but I can tackle a few of them.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe had to strategize\u2014you know, the shoes everywhere\u2014okay; I got a basket\/put it by the front door to put the shoes in it. We do have to get practical. Maybe we can hire somebody to come and help us with certain things. You know, maybe that investment is worth it if we\u2019re able.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think that\u2019s smart. And when I look at people, I think, \u201cWhat is the <em>deeper<\/em> issue?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> For me, that cleanliness\u2014there were some deeper issues of our views of a clean home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have a friend, where his wife was just a messy\u2014their house\/they had kids in and out all of the time\u2014and her husband had these high expectations. I finally said, \u201cGet a cleaner.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cLike just get someone to come to the house. You have the money! Just hire somebody!\u201d He said, \u201cNo! I\u2019m teaching her a lesson.\u201d [Groans] Doesn\u2019t that make you think, \u201cUh-oh!\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Yes; right!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s tricky.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> I think there\u2019s a shift in perspective that I needed to make, though, too. I would leave for work\u2014you know, from 8:30 in the morning, I\u2019d be at work all day long\u2014I\u2019m getting to go step away to the coffee maker and get coffee; I have great meetings in my office; I\u2019m going to lunch with friends. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would come home and not understand what her world was like\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right; right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> \u2014and the difficulty of taking care of a colicky\/acid reflux child.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> \u2014who never slept!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> \u2014who never slept; she never got sleep. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> I actually didn\u2019t get sleep, because we kind of co-dealt with those issues at nighttime. But I would come home and not have that perspective of understanding what her world was like all day long.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, I\u2019m guessing, at your office, there was a cleaning crew that came in\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Oh, yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014and cleaned it regularly\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Right! Exactly, yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> \u2014every night!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And you never saw them, but you just expected, \u201cThis is how the world should be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cThings should be cleaned up overnight while I\u2019m sleeping\u201d; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Amber\u2019s barely hanging on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes; and ultimately, we came to a place, spiritually, where we had to recognize that Jesus\u2019 model for us\u2014He came to serve; right? He came to serve; He didn\u2019t come to gain His own glory or His own ambition; He came to serve.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right; right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Guy and I had to put on this attitude of: \u201cWe need to serve one another, just like Jesus did.\u201d Jesus served to the point of death on the cross for our sin; so is there some way that I can get over myself, and think about, \u201cHow can I serve Guy?\u201d Because if we say we love our spouse\u2014but we\u2019re not really willing to serve them\u2014then our definition of love is not biblical.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We talked about, if you\u2019re going to have these kinds of conversations as a couple, you need to come spiritually prepared: humble, ready to deal with your own stuff. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think the other thing that\u2019s so critical here is: you guys came with an understanding: \u201cYou\u2019re not my enemy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cWe\u2019ve got an issue; we can put the issue on the table. We can talk <em>together<\/em> about how to resolve this issue, without it being \u2018Well, it\u2019s your fault!\u2019 \u2018No; it\u2019s your fault!\u2019 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cNo; let\u2019s figure out: \u2018What\u2019s the issue?\u2019 and \u2018What\u2019s the best way to get there?\u2019 and \u2018We\u2019re probably both going to have to adjust a little bit to get there.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes; the thing is, Bob, we loved the Lord. You may not have been able to tell that some days in our home; [Laughter] but we love the Lord! And we knew that we wanted to be an example of Him; we wanted to be a testimony of Him to our children under our own roof.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> If we are constantly fighting each other, we are <em>powerless<\/em> to fight the better fight\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> \u2014the bigger fight.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s so good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> \u201cHow can we be an impact in our neighborhood, in our own home, in our world, if we can\u2019t even get our act together?\u201d It was sobering when we realized that we were spending <em>so much energy <\/em>fighting each other, we didn\u2019t have any energy to fight the better fight that God called us to\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> \u2014to be a light!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And even this chapter, as simple as it is, here\u2019s what you said: \u201cInstead of huffing and puffing as you walk into the room and see the clutter, jump in, with an attitude willing to serve.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> One of the practical things that I would do is\u2014 on my way home from work\u2014I would call Amber and check in, and say, \u201cHow was the day? What\u2019s going on?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Ooh, that\u2019s smart!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> My underlying thought was, \u201cWhat am I walking into?\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right! A little recon here!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> I could park out in the driveway. I could give myself 30 minutes, and I could have a perspective shift: \u201cOkay; I\u2019ve had a busy day, but I know my wife has, too. I\u2019m going to walk through that door, and I\u2019m going to be purposeful about caring for her for a few minutes, seeing what needs to be done. I\u2019ll jump in; do it, and then my needs will get met in a little bit.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> If both came to each other and said, \u201cWhat can I do for you right now?\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> \u2014just as simple as that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> You know, if both of us met each other at the door and said, \u201cWhat can I do for you right now?\u201d\u2014you know, \u201cJinx! You\u2019re it!\u201d; you know\u2014[Laughter]\u2014it\u2019s an attitude shift that we have to make.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> But it\u2019s hard to know how to implement that attitude shift in the day-to-day moment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019ve seen a definition of leadership being that. A <em>great<\/em> leader walks up to the people he or she is leading, every day, and says, \u201cHow can I help you?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And that\u2019s what you\u2019re saying.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Absolutely; absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, let me ask you about another trigger. Ann, it\u2019s one I\u2019ve heard <em>you<\/em> mention as you talk with wives. They\u2019re often triggered by the passivity of their husband, especially in spiritual matters:\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cWhy doesn\u2019t he do this?\u201d \u201cWhy doesn\u2019t he read the Bible to the kids?\u201d \u201cWhy doesn\u2019t he lead us in prayer?\u201d\u2014\u201cBlah, blah, blah.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You\u2019ve heard Ann talk about that? [Laughter] I don\u2019t know why she would ever!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019ve heard her say that as she talks to wives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, there you go! Good save.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is an issue that emerges often. Amber, you address this in the book.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes; this was a big one for me. I\u2019ll tell you\u2014of all the triggers\u2014I think this one was the biggest disappointment for me, early on. I felt like we were going to be that family, where my husband set me up behind a white picket fence, and he went to work. All I ever wanted to do was\u2014I had a ten-year teaching career; I loved it!\u2014but when I had my first son, I was ready to come home. The Lord has, obviously, gotten me real involved in all kinds of other things since then. He often adjusts our expectations; His ways are higher than ours, and that\u2019s a good thing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut with Guy, I just recognized that, in spiritual leadership, he was <em>not<\/em> meeting my expectation there either. I thought, \u201cHe\u2019s going to come home for dinner, and he\u2019s going to have a Bible lesson ready. He\u2019s going to ask me what my prayer requests are, and he\u2019s going to follow up. He might even have a praise report to offer me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Amber, we are twins! [Laughter] This is exactly what I thought, and I think a lot of women do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> We do. I discovered that, in talking with other families, that this was a need that a lot of women had\/their expectation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay; I\u2019ve just got to stop right here! [Laughter] Does that man exist somewhere in the world?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> There are a couple of them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Are there?!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I always thought Dennis Rainey was that kind of guy. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> It might be Dennis Rainey.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I worked with him; Dennis Rainey\u2019s not that guy! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> <em>Thank you, <\/em>Bob! Finally!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019m telling you, he\u2019s not that guy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> And I called this a church-ical thing, and not a biblical one.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014church-ical.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Church-ical is a word that I kind of made up; because I thought, \u201cThis is something that, in the church, we think is a thing or it\u2019s a verse; and it\u2019s not.\u201d It\u2019s just a church-ical idea\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> \u2014that has really become a yoke of slavery on a lot of men, in particular, I think; and then, on women, in their expectations. What I began to do was to be on the lookout to recognize that Guy\u2019s walk is different from mine; so \u201cWhy am I putting him in a box of what I think that spiritual leadership should look like?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe was <em>far better <\/em>at connecting with our boys in different ways, spiritually, than I was. My strength was memorizing Bible verses; my strength was doing Bible study. I got to a place, where I let go my pressure of Guy to be the Bible study leader. I let him organically breathe life into our children, spiritually, in <em>his<\/em> unique way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was comfortable with: \u201cOkay; if we\u2019re going to memorize verses together, that\u2019s going to be my role; so I\u2019m going to do that. It\u2019s my strength; I\u2019m going to do the memorization songs and all of those things with our kids, and that\u2019s okay.\u201d Instead of being bitter about it, I got to a place, where I embraced my spiritual strengths; and I appreciated Guy\u2019s spiritual strengths, which were different. It didn\u2019t mean they were wrong.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s like putting on a lens of seeing their strengths instead of your expectations of what you thought it would look like. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember when one of our sons\u2014he was probably 15\u2014and he was listening to this CD. I\u2019m priding myself\/like: I\u2019m so strong spiritually,\u201d and \u201cI\u2019m doing such a good job with our kids spiritually.\u201d I see this CD that our son was looking at. I\u2019m a verbal processor; so I look at it and say, \u201cAre you kidding me? This is from Satan himself!\u2014wrote these lyrics.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI take it out of the CD player, and I throw it in the trash. I\u2019m like, \u201cThat\u2019s where that belongs.\u201d Then I watch\/Dave came over, pulls it out of the trash can. I\u2019m thinking, \u201cWhat are you doing?!\u201d He goes\/sits down beside CJ; and he says, \u201cCJ, tell me about this music that you like. Tell me all about it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere, I was thinking I was all righteous, and this was the way to do it. I\u2019m thinking, \u201cOh, he\u2019s so much smarter than me!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Did I just get a compliment? [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> You got a compliment!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I don\u2019t think I got it that day.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> No! It\u2019s because I was prideful.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> One day, I got a text message from her\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yep.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> \u2014because she had read an article from\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Well, I had read an article; and it just got me started thinking about this process of valuing your spouse and their unique qualities,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> \u2014which I hadn\u2019t really been doing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> I get this text from her, saying, \u201cI value you as a spiritual leader in our family, and I know it\u2019s different than what I would like; but I really value what you bring to our kids.\u201d It was just a freeing of my spirit, and she <em>saw<\/em> me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> For me, too\/for me, too; because I no longer had this monkey on my back,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> \u2014where I was like wanting him to change and be this different thing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Finally, I could just relax into enjoying and appreciating who he was and his walk.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Here\u2019s what\u2019s so important about both of these issues we\u2019ve talked about: because we\u2019ve talked about messy houses; we\u2019ve talked about passive spiritual leadership. What\u2019s important is to pull back and to go: \u201cWhat\u2019s going on inside of me?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cWhy do I have these expectations?\u201d and \u201cI feel like my expectations are legitimate, but are they really? I mean, how legitimate are they really?\u201d and \u201cAre there adjustments I need to make?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Whatever it is that\u2019s triggering you, to have that perspective that says, \u201cI may not be right here. I may have issues in my own life that need to be dealt with. Let\u2019s come together; we\u2019re not the enemy of one another. Let\u2019s figure out how we can make the adjustments we need to make, and live at peace with one another, and help one another in the midst of this.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s at the heart of your book, <em>Marriage Triggers, <\/em>coaching us, as couples, to know how to respond when we are provoked; because we\u2019re all going to be provoked. We\u2019re making the book available this week to <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>listeners. Those of you who are regular listeners, if you can help with a donation this week to support the ongoing work of this ministry\u2014to help continue this radio program on your local radio station or as a podcast\u2014however you\u2019re listening\/however you receive it\u2014you make this program possible for yourself and others every time you make a donation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd if you can make a donation today, we\u2019d love to send you Guy and Amber Lia\u2019s book, <em>Marriage Triggers: Exchanging Spouses\u2019 Angry Responses for Gentle Biblical Responses. <\/em>That\u2019s what we want; right? We want to respond biblically; we want to respond gently and kindly to one another, so how do we cultivate that in our marriage? We\u2019ll send you a copy of Guy and Amber\u2019s book, <em>Marriage Triggers, <\/em>when you make a donation today to support <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo online at FamilyLifeToday.com or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make your donation and request your copy of the book. And keep in mind, your donations are really helping to build the marriages and families of so many people all around the world. Hundreds of thousands of people, every day, who are receiving practical biblical help and hope, thanks to your donations. You\u2019re really investing in the lives and marriages of others every time you make a donation; thanks for your support of this ministry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA quick reminder: if you are in a blended marriage, or you know somebody in a stepfamily, a week from Saturday is our <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em> one-day virtual event. You can still sign up to take part in this event, either as a couple, or if you want to get a group together and go through the material together. All of the details are available on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com. The <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em> one-day event, Saturday, April 24<sup>th<\/sup>. All of the information, again, is available online at FamilyLifeToday.com. Sign up and join us for <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to continue to look at those things that can provoke us to irritation or anger in marriage. What do we do if we just feel like our spouse is not loving us the way we ought to be loved? We\u2019ll talk about that and other marriage triggers with Guy and Amber Lia, again, tomorrow. I hope you can be with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with help today from Bruce Goff and, of course, our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. 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