{"id":306816,"date":"2021-04-12T07:00:04","date_gmt":"2021-04-12T11:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/triggers-in-marriage\/"},"modified":"2021-04-12T07:00:04","modified_gmt":"2021-04-12T11:00:04","slug":"triggers-in-marriage","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/triggers-in-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"Triggers In Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Why are some of our biggest triggers exposed in our marriage relationship, and what do we do about them? Guy and Amber Lia real-life examples of hurt and healing.<br \/>\nShow Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tFind resources from this podcast at https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130.<br \/>\n \tVertical Marriage Small Group Leader Kit: https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product\/vertical-marriage-small-group-leader-kit\/<br \/>\n \tDownload FamilyLife&#8217;s new app! https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/<br \/>\n \tCheck out all that&#8217;s available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.\u00a0 https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Why are some of our biggest triggers exposed in our marriage relationship, and what do we do about them? Guy and Amber Lia real-life examples of hurt and healing.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-04-12.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:29:40","filesize":"27.16M","filesize_raw":"28481110","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2902,2862],"tags":[2877],"podcast_series":[8439],"cwp_profile":[9541,9706],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306816","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-resolving-conflict","category-understanding-differences","tag-marriage","podcast_series-marriage-triggers","cwp_profile-amber-lia","cwp_profile-guy-lia","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306816\/triggers-in-marriage","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306816\/triggers-in-marriage","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"JrRMu8UCLa\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/triggers-in-marriage\/\">Triggers In Marriage<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/triggers-in-marriage\/embed\/#?secret=JrRMu8UCLa\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Triggers In Marriage&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"JrRMu8UCLa\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Why are some of our biggest triggers exposed in our marriage relationship, and what do we do about them? Guy and Amber Lia real-life examples of hurt and healing.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-04-12.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Have you tried <em>nagging<\/em> as a strategy in your marriage? How did that work for you? Guy Lia remembers when his wife, Amber, decided to quit nagging and start praying.\n\n<strong>Guy:<\/strong> In Amber going from trying to change me\u2014by being upset, and nagging, and all those things\u2014she didn\u2019t suddenly switch gears and say, \u201cOkay, I\u2019m going to change him by not nagging him and not doing all those things; and he\u2019ll eventually change.\u201d This was Amber genuinely saying, \u201cYou know what? I\u2019m going to take this to the Lord, and I\u2019m going to ask the <em>Lord<\/em> to change him,\u201d and \u201cI\u2019m just going to do me.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, April 12<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. Nagging is just one of those triggers that can lead to marital conflict. We\u2019re going to talk about that and other triggers today with Guy and Amber Lia. Stay with us.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. Back when we were working on the <em>Art of Marriage<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> video project, we got a group of couples together\/young couples. We set up the cameras; and we just said, \u201cWhat is it that your spouse does that pushes your buttons?\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Did they know you were going to ask them that?\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> They knew what was coming. I want you to hear what these couples shared with us when we did this.\n\n[<em>Art of Marriage <\/em>Excerpt]\n\n<strong>Man #1:<\/strong> What pushes my buttons?\n\n<strong>Woman #1:<\/strong> I always ask him, \u201cDid your mother have you clean up after yourself?\u201d because he\u2019ll just be like [sounding dumbfounded], \u201cOh, I forgot; I didn\u2019t think about that.\u201d\n\n<strong>Man #1:<\/strong> Feeling like there\u2019s a lack of respect.\n\n<strong>Woman #1:<\/strong> He might not be very considerate sometimes.\n\n<strong>Man #1:<\/strong> \u201cYou\u2019re so lazy.\u201d\n\n<strong>Woman # 1:<\/strong> \u201cYou have two hands and two feet. Get up and make yourself a bagel,\u201d or \u201cMake <em>me<\/em> a bagel; why not?\u201d\n\nMost fights end up spurring from these very minor emotional disconnects.\n\n<strong>Woman #2:<\/strong> Well, the last argument we had was about us announcing our pregnancy.\n\n<strong>Man #2:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t realize it was an issue until just now still, but I also learned that a lot of these things aren\u2019t issues until many of them are piled up.\n\n<strong>Man #1:<\/strong> Like it wasn\u2019t always like that.\n\nWhen you\u2019re fighting, you\u2019re both\/everybody thinks they\u2019re right.\n\n<strong>Man #2:<\/strong> I\u2019ll say, \u201cLet\u2019s be ready at two o\u2019clock; I want to walk out of the door at two.\u201d Then, at like 2:15, she\u2019ll ask me if I was serious.\n\n<strong>Woman #1:<\/strong> He\u2019ll say it in a way like he\u2019s in the military or something, giving me a command.\n\n<strong>Man #1:<\/strong> \u201cExcuse, excuse, excuse; blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.\u201d\n\n<strong>Woman #2:<\/strong> We kind of back track into past issues. Then it was like, \u201cNo, let\u2019s talk about this issue.\u201d\n\n<strong>Man #3:<\/strong> I say this; you say that\u2014back and forth and back and forth.\n\nThe only time I really feel like there\u2019s any guilt is if, like deep down, you\u2019re like, \u201cAlright, I\u2019m probably not right; I\u2019m probably just arguing to win this.\u201d\n\n<strong>Man #1:<\/strong> Sometimes the emotion overtakes the logic.\n\n<strong>Woman #1:<\/strong> He felt belittled, or like less of a person, or that I was insulting him in some way. [Screeching sound]\n\n[Studio]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Hearing those couples talk about those things, I think all of us are going\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I want to know, Bob:\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What do you want to know?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cWhat does Mary Ann says triggers you?\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, yes; let\u2019s hear it.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Oh, no; there\u2019s been <em>nothing<\/em> in 41 years. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Of course, there aren\u2019t any. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Do you have a trigger? Is there something Dave\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We have <em>so many<\/em> triggers. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> No, we have none. We\u2019re not going to talk about any of them.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We are going to talk about a bunch of them; because we\u2019ve got some guys here with us today, who we\u2019re <em>4<\/em> to have with us.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> They\u2019re the trigger experts.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We can relate to these guys.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Guy and Amber Lia are joining us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Guys, welcome.\n\n<strong>Guy and Amber:<\/strong> Thank you.\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> We\u2019re so glad to be here.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Amber\u2019s been here before.\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You were here with Wendy Speake to talk about parenting triggers: things your kids do that cause you, as a parent, to go into the unhappy place.\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> \u2014very unhappy place sometimes, yes. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right; now you two have written a book on marriage triggers.\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You had to get\u2014I was told this\u2014that you had to go line up people to talk to, because you didn\u2019t have any of your own that you could bring\u2014[Laughter]\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Oh, I wish that were true. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Guy:<\/strong> We have a lot to pull from. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Were you triggered by writing together?\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> You know, praise God, there were lots of <em>smooth<\/em> processes through writing together.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Good.\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> But yes, of course. I think that\u2019s one of the things we want people to understand is\u2014and you guys know this\u2014when you write a marriage book together, or a parenting book, it does not mean that you don\u2019t have these issues and that you never will again.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Oh, exactly.\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> It just means that you\u2019ve been through it, and you\u2019ve had some growth and encouragement, and you want to share it with others.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You guys identify, in the book, 31 marriage\/common marriage triggers.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> One for every day of the month. [Laughter] Is that where we are going? [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Did you sit down and brainstorm a list?\u2014or how did you come up with these 31?\n\n<strong>Amber: <\/strong>Yes; great question.\n\n<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Amber looked back at our marriage, and wrote down all the things that I have4 done,\u2014[Laughter]\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Guy:<\/strong> \u2014and said, \u201cWow; I\u2019ve got 31 to start.\u201d\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> We started there, yes. [Laughter] You know, with our parenting triggers book, Wendy and I\/we\u2019d do a lot of travel. We\u2019d hear from readers all the time. It\u2019s been an amazing ministry. Everywhere we went, we heard people say to us, \u201cThis book\u2019s been so helpful in my parenting; and I am applying it to other relationships, too. But I sure wish there was a specific book about triggers in marriage.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Right from the start, for several years, God had planted that seed in my heart. But I was resistant to it, because we had a difficult marriage for a lot of years. Just because you become vulnerable in one area of your life and ministry, doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re always in a hurry to peel back another layer and expose yourself.\n\nIt took a lot of prayer; and me just being willing to say, \u201cOkay, Lord, if this is really what You want me to do, then we\u2019ll move forward and do it.\u201d We\u2019re thankful we did.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay, you just cracked the door open; so I\u2019m pushing it open a little farther: \u201c\u2026a difficult marriage for a number of years.\u201d\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes;\u2014\n\n<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> \u2014a triggered marriage. I think what we realized is\u2014there wasn\u2019t a big case of adultery or some major conflict that happened\u2014but for us, there was just this\/we settled into a place of unhappiness. We couldn\u2019t put our finger on it, like: \u201cWhy are we unhappy?\u201d \u201cWhy are we bickering so much?\u201d We could tell that there was a tone and a culture that was being fostered in our home that we didn\u2019t realize was there until, one day, we just looked at each other, and we were pretty far apart.\n\nWe began to invite God into our marriage. It started with me needing to be humble; because I spent a lot of years nagging, and a lot of years yelling, and a lot of years pointing fingers. Then finally, the Lord was like, \u201cAmber, why don\u2019t you stop trying to fix Guy?\u2014because that\u2019s not working. Why don\u2019t you just <em>do<\/em> what you would like <em>him<\/em> to do for you?\u201d\u2014The Golden Rule; right?\u2014\u201c\u2018Do unto others as you would have them do to you.\u2019\u201d\n\nI thought, \u201cOkay, Lord, I\u2019ll try that.\u201d As soon as I said, \u201cOkay, Lord, work on me,\u201d I began to realize that Guy\u2019s sin did not justify my own. When I recognized that, little by little, we grew back together again. It was by identifying all those little things: being a backseat driver, poor communication skills, when the house was a mess, when we were not parenting on the same page\u2014all these little things that just added up\u2014we began to tackle one of them, at a time, in our own marriage.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Now, Guy, did you <em>notice<\/em> a change? Because I\u2019m hearing Amber\u2019s story\u2014and it\u2019s pretty similar; Ann had a similar thing\u2014and I <em>noticed<\/em> something changed. Did you notice, when Amber started, maybe, stopped nagging? I don\u2019t know what she did; I want to know what she did.\n\n<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Yes, I did notice. We came into marriage\/we got married later in life. I think I was\u2014\n\n<strong>Amber: <\/strong>We were old; you can say it. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> We were a little older.\n\n<strong>Guy:<\/strong> I think I was fairly set in my single ways, and I was taking care of\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> How old were you when you got married?\n\n<strong>Guy:<\/strong> I was\u2014\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> \u201437\/38.\n\n<strong>Guy:<\/strong> \u201437, yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> In 38 years of singleness, you developed: \u201cThis is how life is supposed to be.\u201d\n\n<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Yes; I mean, I had a thriving career as an executive. I had my own\u2014an apartment that I lived in that I had\u2014was very well taken care of; I just had my own ways.\n\nI think I came into marriage with a picture of being this <em>amazing<\/em> husband; but the day to day, I didn\u2019t realize what that really meant. A big piece for me that caused me a three-year stumble, I\u2019d say, in our marriage was: when we got married, three months later, we got pregnant. I never had a foundation of a relationship with my wife as friends and as a young married couple. We literally exchanged wedding registry gifts for baby gifts for a baby room; you know? [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Amber did you get morning sickness?\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> I was <em>exceedingly<\/em> ill my <em>whole<\/em> pregnancy; yes, almost nine months.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So you guys had three months, basically.\n\n<strong>Guy and Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Guy:<\/strong> In that three months, I was an executive; so I was working 16-hour days. I\u2019d come home from work and have an hour or two with her; she\u2019d go to bed. I\u2019d stay up, working for another couple of hours. I\u2019d wake up early in the morning and work, so we didn\u2019t have an opportunity to have much of a relationship. It really caused a lot of tension in the beginning.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> When she started to back off from nagging, did you go, \u201cHang on; what\u2019s going on here?\u201d\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Yes, yes; I did. I forget exactly what that point was, but I did notice. It was a relationship difference between us; I had more room to kind of grow. I think that I also noticed\u2014it\u2019s that thing, where I would push back, prideful, and try to fight; and she wouldn\u2019t engage\u2014it caused me to go, \u201cWait a minute; what am I doing?\u00a0 Why is she not engaging? This is my own stuff.\u201d It just created an air for me to grow.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What you\u2019re talking about\u2014this is interesting; because a lot of people, who start to feel the conviction that you were talking about, Amber, where you say, \u201cI think the Lord wants me to just work on my stuff and back off,\u201d\u2014what they\u2019re afraid of is that\u2014\u201cIf I back off, and I\u2019m not nagging, he\u2019s going to think everything\u2019s okay; he\u2019s going to just keep in the dysfunction. It\u2019s going to grow; I\u2019m going to make things worse.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Almost like Ann said, like enabling\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014this behavior.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cHow would I ever back off? He\u2019ll think I\u2019m happy then, and then he\u2019ll be <em>worse<\/em>.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The fact that her being gentler\/kinder caused you to go, \u201cWait; hang on. There must be something going on here,\u201d that doesn\u2019t always happen for couples. Sometimes, the guy\u2019s like, \u201cI\u2019m just glad she quit nagging. Now, I can go back to my old bad, dysfunctional ways\u201d; right?\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes; so practically speaking, one of the changes was\u2014that instead of yelling, and being angry or bitter, and withdrawing; because I tried all the things; right?\u2014all the dysfunctional things I tried to do, and they weren\u2019t working\u2014what I recognized is that I had this really unhealthy pattern, and I had to replace it with a healthy pattern.\n\nWhile I also stopped yelling, and doing the nagging, and all of those things\u2014and not perfectly, Guy would tell you\u2014we rented a car when we got here; and there was some backseat driving that still happened, even this week, so I\u2019m still a work-in-progress, mind you\u2014but what I recognized is: \u201cWhat I need to do is set a regular time period with my husband, where I come together and communicate, proactively and biblically.\u201d This is about <em>exchanging<\/em> those angry reactions for a gentle biblical response.\n\nI would start saying to Guy\u2014like if there were five things I was bent out of shape about, I could just, every day, do the huff and puff, or the eye roll, or make the statement under my breath; right?\u2014none of that was working; it wasn\u2019t godly\u2014or I could say, \u201cOkay, there\u2019s five things I\u2019m a little concerned about right now with my husband\/with Guy, but I\u2019m going to set aside a time and ask him if we could just have some coffee together on Saturday morning,\u201d and \u201cWould he be willing to just hear something that I want to work on in myself?\u201d\u2014and then, maybe\u2014\u201cAlso, I could gently bring up one thing that I would like him to consider about his approach with me.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Did you say that?\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Not overtly at first, but I think that he saw that I was trying to make an effort. In that moment, he was able to open up; and I was able to open up. Because here\u2019s the thing: when you come to somebody, and you are trying to demonstrate the fruit of the Spirit toward them in a very proactive and intentional way, over and over and over again, it is very difficult for that not to impact the other person; you <em>are<\/em> going to have a positive impact. In those rare cases where you don\u2019t, you may need counselling; there may be some further professional help.\n\nBut ultimately, I just recognized, \u201cI need to not just clam up, and do my own thing, and let the Lord work on me. I also need to talk with Guy proactively and say, \u2018Hey, this is an area I\u2019m trying to work on. Will you pray for me?\u2019\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Guy, those were meetings that you actually\u2014like when I first heard you say it, I\u2019d be like, \u201cOh, no; if Ann\u2019s saying, \u2018Let\u2019s talk at ten a.m. Saturday,\u2019 as her husband, I\u2019d be like, \u2018Oh, no; it\u2019s one of those kind of talks.\u2019 Because it\u2019s\u2014[Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019m leaving for work one day; and Mary Ann says, \u201cWhen you get home tonight, we need to talk.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019m going, \u201cDon\u2019t do that at the beginning of the day. Now, the whole day is like\u2026\u201d\u2014seriously?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> When a man feels that, he automatically thinks he\u2019s in trouble?\n\n<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Yes. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Oh, yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Ann, when a man hears that, how many times is he <em>not <\/em>in trouble? Tell me that. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That conversation wouldn\u2019t be just how amazing you are; it\u2019s: \u201cYou\u2019re in trouble.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, we\u2019re in trouble.\n\nWhat I just heard Amber say is\u2014yes, you got down at ten a.m. to talk\u2014but the way she did it, totally different than what most people would think. That\u2019s why I\u2019m asking\/like, \u201cDid that become like, \u2018Oh, this is going to be a good thing, because it isn\u2019t just going to be about me\u2019?\u201d\n\n<strong>Guy: <\/strong>It was the way she did it. The approach wasn\u2019t: \u201cI want to sit you down to tell you what I\u2019m upset about.\u201d [Laughter] It was: \u201cCan we sit down and talk about us? and \u201cCan we talk about a few specific things?\u201d The first time or two I think it was a little rough, but we came <em>together<\/em> to do it. We both <em>knew<\/em> that it was important.\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Guy:<\/strong> But it was the way that she approached me.\n\nBut one thing I have to say, just to backtrack just a tiny bit, is that in Amber going from trying to change me\u2014by being upset, and nagging, and all those things\u2014she didn\u2019t suddenly switch gears and say, \u201cOkay, I\u2019m going to change him by not nagging him, and not doing all those things; and he\u2019ll eventually change.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So it wasn\u2019t manipulation.\n\n<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Yes, this wasn\u2019t a Tom Sawyer: \u201cI\u2019m going to white wash the fences and hope someone else comes along and picks up the job.\u201d This was Amber, genuinely saying, \u201cYou know what? I\u2019m going to take this to the Lord; I\u2019m going to ask the <em>Lord<\/em> to change him. I\u2019m just going to do <em>me<\/em>. I\u2019m going to love on him, no matter what; and I\u2019m going to exemplify these things. I\u2019m going to pursue my faith.\u201d That\u2019s what I started to see; I started to see her go deeper into her faith.\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> It was a coffee date. I know my husband\/that he loves his coffee. [Laughter]\n\nHe was like, \u201cIf coffee\u2019s involved, I\u2019ll talk about anything.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I have to tell you: I think you\u2019ve picked up on something pretty key here; that is\u2014that the wife or the husband that says, \u201cI think we need to have this heart-to-heart talk,\u201d\u2014if you don\u2019t do the spiritual work in your own life first to make sure you\u2019re in the right place\/the right posture\u2014humble yourself before the Lord, come ready to confess your own stuff\u2014you\u2019re not ready to have that talk until that\u2019s what it\u2019s going to look like.\n\n<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s a beautiful example. A listener could right now go do this\u2014like Bob said\/like you guys said\u2014\u201cStart with me, not with him or her; start with me,\u201d\u2014and lead with that; and then, hopefully\u2026\n\nBut I\u2019ve got to go <em>way<\/em> back; because I\u2019m wondering if anybody\u2019s thinking this: \u201cHow do I know when I\u2019m triggered?\u201d I mean, your whole concept is about marriage triggers. I think we know; but I want to make sure: \u201cIs this\/am I being triggered?\u201d or \u201cIs this just a little pebble in my shoe, or is this a trigger?\u201d You start the book talking about triggers, and anger, and that kind of thing. Talk about that a little bit.\n\n<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Marriage is very\u2014I think we all agree, it\u2019s a very organic relationship\u2014it changes day to day, month to month, year to year. There are some triggers that are not going to come out of me until year five in my marriage, when we suddenly have two kids. I come home from work, and she\u2019s handing me a kid. I\u2019ve had a rough day at work, but she hasn\u2019t asked me about my day yet. She\u2019s just like stressed, and gives me the baby and poopy diaper\/the whole deal. Suddenly, there\u2019s a trigger that\u2019s going to come out of nowhere.\n\nWe talk about it in the book; there\u2019s external triggers and internal triggers.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right; right.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Some of the reasons we\u2019re triggered could be old wounds that haven\u2019t been processed, and we carry those in. Maybe Dave does something that\u2019s not that big of a deal, but it\u2019s triggering me because of my past?\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes, definitely. I didn\u2019t realize this at first; but I\u2019ve come to discover that marriage is and can be a vehicle for healing from our pasts, if we allow it to be. Instead of looking at Guy\u2019s past wounds, and his differing personality, and all of those things, and letting that trigger me, I can look at that and go, \u201cMaybe this is an area, where I can be a vehicle of healing, and grace, and comfort to him.\u201d I can show him empathy; I can show him compassion instead of taking it personally.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Do you have an example of that?\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes; Guy and I talk about he had this background, where his family was very, very supportive. He had a lot of love and acknowledged his accomplishments and things like that.\n\nI was more the tough love side of things growing up; so I never knew what was going to be coming down the pipeline with my family. My parents came out of a really difficult cult; they had a rough time of it. Then some people invited them to church; they started going to a Christian church. Little by little things began to improve in our home life. But in my younger years, it was really hard. I have this strong sense of justice, because I didn\u2019t have a lot of justice. Everything was sort of you never knew why you were in trouble kind of thing.\n\nBut then with Guy, he rarely got in trouble; because he was really just doted on. That was great; I\u2019m glad he had that experience.\n\n<strong>Guy:<\/strong> I was a good kid. Come on; [Laughter] I worked hard for the doting. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You earned it!\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> I recognized that past wound in myself was just this need for justice, so I wasn\u2019t about to let him get away with anything in our marriage. It\u2019s like, \u201cOh no, I\u2019m not going to do that.\u201d\n\n<strong>Guy:<\/strong> I will say I was\/I had this slight issue with procrastination.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Slight probably means a big issue, Amber; is that true?\n\n<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> I\u2019m going to choose wisely to hold my tongue in this moment. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Guy:<\/strong> It was aided throughout my entire youth in that my family always stepped up to help me in times of need instead of allowing me to flounder and find my own success.\n\nI had a lot of support and did quite well. But you know, parents did projects for me\u2014those kinds of things\u2014it wasn\u2019t that I was dumb or anything; I just was doing other things.\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> He had a lot of helpers. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I mean, so\u2014no, go ahead.\n\n<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Just to get into marriage, Amber is the exact opposite; she is ultra-successful. If she has something that is due in two months, she does it today. She is a get-it-done-now kind of person. That was an area, where we had a really big misfire. That was an area, where she had to offer a lot of grace in learning, our first couple of years of marriage, about that piece of me that she didn\u2019t know about, going into marriage.\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Our backgrounds, our childhoods, our personalities, our wounds\u2014all of those come out.\n\n<strong>Guy:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, I haven\u2019t heard too many people say it the way you just said, that marriage can be a <em>healing<\/em> of the wounds. You often think\u2014and it should be that way; I think that\u2019s God\u2019s design and plan\u2014but we often think, \u201cMarriage just brings them out, and makes them worse\u201d; because they trigger, and you don\u2019t respond well. Many marriages end, because the wounds were really never healed; they were never embraced.\n\nEven when you said that, I thought, \u201cOne of our big triggers\u2014and it\u2019s a trigger for 40 years\u2014is my schedule.\u201d\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019m sure you\u2019ve experienced the same thing\u2014but busy\/busy doing a lot of different things; always had five jobs at once\u2014she would always be on me. I\u2019d be like, \u201cWhat\u2019s your problem? I am providing; that\u2019s why I do this. It\u2019s not about me; it\u2019s about you.\u201d\n\nI did not know, for decades, it was out of a wound she felt from her family of origin\u2014whom I love\u2014not seen; they didn\u2019t see her. She was the last child, and everybody else was\u2014then it\u2019s like, \u201cOh, my goodness; she\u2019s not being seen. Here it is again: \u2018Dave\u2019s off doing his thing, and he doesn\u2019t see me.\u2019\u201d\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> For the last, hopefully a decade or more, I get the chance\u2014what a dream come true\u2014I get the chance to reveal Christ to her by seeing her, and loving her, and knowing that was at the heart of that trigger; it was that. I could have been like, \u201cYou know what? I can\u2019t take this anymore; I\u2019m out. All you do is nag and complain about me being gone,\u201d rather than, \u201cMaybe God wants to use me and us to heal through this trigger.\u201d\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> So good.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What an important perspective to have on this: that when God brings us together, there\u2019s going to be some stuff that\u2019s going to float to the surface, and we\u2019re going to go, \u201cOh, that\u2019s there; I didn\u2019t know that was there.\u201d It\u2019s there so it can be skimmed off, removed, taken away, dealt with rather\u2014\n\n<strong>Amber:<\/strong> \u2014healed.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014yes, healed; exactly.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019ll just say this: \u201cIf it doesn\u2019t just float to the surface\u2014but like a bomb [creates a bomb sound], explodes it out of the water\u2014you better take a close look.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Guy:<\/strong> But isn\u2019t it like\u2014communication\u2014the importance. I know everyone says: \u201cCommunication,\u201d \u201cCommunication\u201d; but it really is communication; because had she not shared that with you, you still would not know why she keeps reacting that way.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Understanding what does trigger you\/understanding where those hidden spots are that can be easily provoked, this is the service you guys have done for us in the book you\u2019ve written called <em>Marriage Triggers: Exchanging Spouse\u2019s Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses<\/em>. That\u2019s what we want in marriage.\n\nThis week, we\u2019re making your book available to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners. Those of you, who\u2019d like to get a copy of Guy and Amber\u2019s book, <em>Marriage Triggers<\/em>, it\u2019s our thank-you gift to you this week when you support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Your donations to this ministry make programs like this possible\u2014our website, our app, all of the different ways we\u2019re trying to provide practical biblical help and hope for marriages and families\u2014you make all of that happen when you donate to support the ongoing work of this ministry. We\u2019re grateful for you: grateful for our Legacy Partners, who give each month, and those of you who, from time to time, will say, \u201cI want to pitch in and help.\u201d Thank you for that.\n\nIf you can make a donation today, again, request your copy of the book, <em>Marriage Triggers<\/em>, by Guy and Amber Lia. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com to give an online donation, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate by phone. Thanks, in advance, for your support. We know you\u2019re going to enjoy the book, <em>Marriage Triggers<\/em>, by Guy and Amber Lia.\n\nLet me also mention, if you\u2019ve got a couples\u2019 small group that you\u2019re a part of\u2014and you\u2019ve been thinking, \u201cWhat should we go through?\u201d\u2014we\u2019ve got video series available here, at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, and we\u2019ve also got workbooks that are available. If you want to do a series on marriage: Dave and Ann Wilson\u2019s <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em> video series, the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> video series, the <em>Art of Marriage<\/em> series. If you\u2019re looking for study guides you can go through, we\u2019ve got FamilyLife couple\u2019s studies available: one on <em>The Gospel and Your Marriage<\/em>, <em>The Power of Humility in Your Marriage<\/em>, <em>Your Marriage Has a Mission<\/em>.\n\nYou can find out about all of these studies when you go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com. If your small group is looking for something to go through\/if it\u2019s been a while since you talked about marriage, put that on the agenda and use one of the resources we\u2019ve developed, here, at FamilyLife.\n\nWe hope you can join us back here tomorrow when we\u2019re going to continue our conversation with Guy and Amber Lia about the things that provoke us to anger\/that irritate us in marriage, and how we deal with that. How do we respond to those irritations biblically? We\u2019ll talk more about that tomorrow.\n\nI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch. We got some extra help today from Bruce Goff; of course, our entire broadcast production team has been involved in today\u2019s program. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. 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