{"id":306795,"date":"2021-03-26T07:00:05","date_gmt":"2021-03-26T11:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/a-second-wifes-journey-of-healing\/"},"modified":"2021-03-26T07:00:05","modified_gmt":"2021-03-26T11:00:05","slug":"a-second-wifes-journey-of-healing","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/a-second-wifes-journey-of-healing\/","title":{"rendered":"A Second Wife&#8217;s Journey of Healing"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Ron Deal and Lore Ferguson Wilbert discuss the healing journey she&#8217;s experienced as her husband&#8217;s second wife. She suggests adopting a heart of compassion instead of competition.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-03-26.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:29:45","filesize":"27.25M","filesize_raw":"28568531","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2859,10445],"tags":[4327],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[9623,3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306795","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dating-and-preparing-for-marriage","category-stepmarriage-advice","tag-second-marriage","cwp_profile-lore-ferguson-wilbert","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306795\/a-second-wifes-journey-of-healing","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306795\/a-second-wifes-journey-of-healing","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"076BeBP7DN\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/a-second-wifes-journey-of-healing\/\">A Second Wife&#8217;s Journey of Healing<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/a-second-wifes-journey-of-healing\/embed\/#?secret=076BeBP7DN\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;A Second Wife&#8217;s Journey of Healing&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"076BeBP7DN\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-03-26.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-03-26.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, March 26<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I\u2019m Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. As we\u2019ll hear today from Lore Ferguson Wilbert, it takes a lot of grace, a lot of humility, a lot of wisdom and maturity for a second marriage to work well. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. One of the things you guys have often talked to couples about is how, when we start marriage, we bring unopened suitcases into the marriage with us; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014a whole bunch of them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We think we\u2019ve opened most of them; but we get there, and we go: \u201cOh, I forgot about this one,\u201d \u201cI forgot about that one.\u201d They are all kinds of surprises that come along later. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; I think, in some ways, that\u2019s the beauty of marriage. I mean, it\u2019s really, really difficult; but you get to open wounds and things you\u2019ve carried. I mean, there are moments, where you look at your spouse; and you\u2019re like, \u201cWhat is that?!\u201d They are like, \u201cWhat are you talking about? This is who I am,\u201d\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, we don\u2019t even know. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014not realizing it\u2019s something you\u2019ve carried in that is harmful. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It seems like, sometimes, a marriage can bring out and up some of those things in our past. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> All of us have got those suitcases from our childhood, from relationships we had in high school or in college, or whatever has gone on. You get into a second marriage, and there is a whole new set of luggage that comes with that. That\u2019s what we\u2019re focusing on today. In fact, we\u2019re going to be listening to excerpts from an interview that our friend, Ron Deal, did with Lore Ferguson Wilbert. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLore had written an article for <em>Fathom <\/em>magazine called \u201cSecond Wife, Second Life,\u201d where she just got really honest about the challenges of dealing with the fact that she was number two, and that there had been a number one. That meant\u2014there is just a whole lot of expectation; there\u2019s a whole lot of adjustment\u2014there is a whole lot of reality that\u2019s got to be dealt with. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon reached out to her; and for his podcast, <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, he interviewed her. They peeled back the layers that a lot of second husbands and second wives have got to deal with. Let\u2019s listen to a part of that conversation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[<em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> Podcast] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Let me ask a question out of the blue: \u201cWhat\u2019s your relationship with his first wife?\u201d What I mean by that is, even if it\u2019s just your internal dialogue, how do you posture yourself in your mind? Maybe you\u2019ve never met her\u2014never had a conversation\u2014but there\u2019s still a relationship there. How would you describe that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> I think that, again, has changed over time. I think, in the beginning, I felt more insecure in relation to her. She was a bigger personality; she was\u2014would go out more, more extroverted\u2014enjoyed different things than I enjoyed. I felt inferior to her and insecure. I think the more time has gone on, my heart has just become more broken for the choices that she made, and the damage that happened there, and the way that she placed other gods before God in her life. I just lament that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I\u2019m in a place, where I\/I\u2019m careful to make sure that\u2014I don\u2019t think that Nate necessarily, my husband, needs to be praying for her and thinking of her often\u2014but I\u2019ve just taken the posture that, whenever she comes to mind\u2014which sometimes, in some seasons, is often and then, in other seasons, is not at all\u2014whenever she comes to mind, I just try to pray for her and just ask the Lord to be near to her; because I think there is something broken in her that needs to be healed\/that the Lord wants to heal, so I\u2019m just going to pray for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, for me, my posture has come from just an insecurity to now I\u2019m able to pray for her with more open hands. But I don\u2019t\u2014again, we don\u2019t have children\u2014and I think that adds an element to marriage and second marriages that I think complicates things in some really beautiful ways and some really difficult ways. She\u2019s not in my life in the sense that she\u2019s there; but yes, I hear what you say about we still do have a relationship in a sense. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> One of the things\u2014I want to talk to the listener for a minute, who maybe does have stepchildren, and is in a complex situation, where kids are moving between homes and you do have interaction on a regular basis with the other household\/your spouse\u2019s former spouse\u2014it\u2019s easy to have a relationship there that\u2019s parental but then crosses over into the \u201cwhat was\u201d and \u201cwhat happened\u201d and \u201cwhat\u2019s ongoing\u201d because of how the other person acts or behaves, or what they bring to the equation through the children, that sort of stuff. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tChecking your dialogue, I think, is really important; because if your dialogue to yourself about them are things like: \u201cOh, they are such a horrible person,\u201d\u2014and you just throw them into that category constantly\u2014or \u201cThey\u2019re the competition,\u201d\u2014or somehow not helpful to the children\/the enemy, whatever\u2014that just makes it really difficult for you to pray for them [or] to honor them in front of the children. You just might find yourself slipping down those roads, where you\u2019re bringing up old negative stuff and saying negative things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Practice instead,] if what you\u2019re thinking in your head was said out loud, and the other person were to hear it, that you would not be horribly embarrassed by what they just heard.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> I think, too\u2014I so agree with that\u2014and I think\/so I just want for the listener, who might not know, I am the child of divorce. It was a very, very messy, very long, drawn out\u2014lawyers on both sides said, \u201cThis is one of the messiest\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Wow. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cdivorces we\u2019ve ever walked through,\u201d\u2014I had to navigate that, as an adult, watching my younger siblings be torn back and forth between these\/my warring parents. I had to watch that, as an adult, sort of interacting with both of my parents, as adults, and learning to verbalize: \u201cHey, that\u2019s painful when you do that,\u201d or \u201cThat\u2019s not helpful,\u201d or \u201cJust as an adult, like, \u2018Let\u2019s be mature around this.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt started out giving me a lot of anger toward divorce. I had a lot of, I would say, a lot of baggage around divorce. I think the more time went on, the more empathy rose up in me\u2014not just for my own parents\u2014but I think for any adult, who has to walk through the pain of divorce. I think, by the time I met my husband, when I was 34, I had more empathy, just for him and for his story, than I think I would have had, as a 20-\/25-year-old, still caught in the middle of these warring parties.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You say in your blog you hate divorce. What happened to your family, obviously, was detrimental and difficult for you\u2014a 12-year custody battle; you had siblings, and they were caught in the middle of all of that\u2014and you saw\/it sounds like you saw the worst come out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore: <\/strong>It was probably one of the hardest things I\u2019ve ever walked through. I know that divorce doesn\u2019t have to be like that; I know that, if you\u2019ve got two people, who are endeavoring to honor one another in that process, it can look really different. But it didn\u2019t look that way for my family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was\u2014I would say it was one of the most formative things for my life\u2014forming me in how I saw the Lord and how I saw marriage. I mean, I was terrified of marriage; I was terrified that marriage was going to be abusive, and dishonoring, and full of fights and anger. The Lord, in His grace, did not give me a marriage like that; but I carried that terror around for years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I\u2019m thankful that He didn\u2019t bring that into your life\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014in this new marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m wondering if you had any hesitations, though, when you met your husband, and started dating, and you knew his story at some point. Did you have any black and white: \u201cWell, I can\u2019t be with you then?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t because I knew many of his close friends. I knew the pastors and elders he had walked through his divorce with from our church. I was very close to those people. I knew that his character was what it is, but I knew that because other people vouched for his character. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s very helpful; that\u2019s a wise thing to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> I think it\u2019s necessary in these things. I think it\u2019s necessary, no matter who you marry. I think it should be a part of that process of getting to know someone. But yes, I\u2019m just really grateful that I didn\u2019t have those concerns kind of coming along as baggage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Let me break in here. We\u2019re listening to a portion of a conversation that Ron Deal, the head of FamilyLife Blended<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, had with Lore Ferguson Wilbert about the reality of being a second wife or a second husband in a marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat point about doing a little bit of a background check and having others, who can vouch for the character\u2014she was right; that matters, whether it is a first marriage\/a second marriage\u2014don\u2019t just allow your own blinded infatuation to carry you through this. If you\u2019ve got friends or family members, who are throwing up red flags about the relationship, you need to pay attention to those. If you don\u2019t have people, who are throwing in the red flags, ask your friends, \u201cIs there anything you think I\u2019m missing here?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think it\u2019s a little bit like wearing sunglasses. You see the person, and you think you know everything; but there are parts that you don\u2019t. To ask someone else can be a really wise move; but let me ask you this: \u201cIf you are going into a second marriage, would you ask a former wife about her husband that you are engaged to?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You know, I think that so dependent on all of the dynamics of how the breakup happened\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014and what the level of anger or hostility in all of that is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> She may have nothing nice to say, or he may\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I don\u2019t think\/you just have to recognize: \u201cIf you are going to ask that question, you\u2019re going to get a subjective answer. You have to filter that through whatever wounds or pain led them to where they are.\u201d I think I might ask, but I don\u2019t know that I would necessarily take the answer\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014as being, \u201cWell, this is for real or for sure.\u201d I\u2019d be more likely to ask other family members, people at church\u2014that\u2019s where I\u2019d go\u2014I\u2019d go to the people, who know that other person on a spiritual level\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014who\u2019ve watched what their walk with Jesus looks like\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014and they can comment on that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> As hard as it is, you want honesty. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You really want to know. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> At the end of the day, their walk with Jesus is going to be the key thing to the success of that new relationship; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We want to continue hearing an excerpt from Ron\u2019s conversation with Lore Ferguson Wilbert. Let me just say: Ron is going to be hosting an event, here in about four weeks, called <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em>. This is an annual event, that we do at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, that is the premier event for couples, who are in second marriages\/couples who are in blended families\u2014couples who are looking for help for their relationship\u2014they just want to strengthen the relationship that they are in today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can go online to find out more about <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em>. It\u2019s an online event this year. People are going to be watching from all around the world. Some couples will watch on their own; other couples will get together with other couples. There are churches that will be hosting this event. Again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em>. It\u2019s coming up four weeks from this weekend; that\u2019s April 24<sup>th<\/sup>. The information is available, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet\u2019s pick up the conversation. This, again, is Ron Deal with Lore Ferguson Wilbert, talking about the dynamics of being a second wife. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[<em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> Podcast] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Lore, I want to go back to something we were talking about earlier. We were talking about the wounds that your husband has from his previous relationship. You say in your blog, \u201cThe wounds of a former spouse can be deep and raw; and a mere misstep of the second spouse\u201d\u2014that would be you\u2014\u201ccan be wildly more painful than we knew.\u201d Tell me about a time when you inadvertently stepped on something raw and painful, and what did you learn from it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> Yes! I\u2019ll give you an example from this morning, if I can.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Hey, relevant to today; that\u2019s great.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> Yes. We\u2019re navigating life in this pandemic season, and we\u2019re just trying to figure out some new rhythms in our home and some new normal. He\u2019s not normally here in the morning, but he\u2019s been here. That\u2019s a new thing for me; I usually work from home, and I\u2019m by myself. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are trying to figure out a new morning prayer rhythm. This morning, he\u2019s trying to implement some family prayer for us. He mentioned it last week; and I said, \u201cGo for it.\u201d This morning, he said, \u201cWell, why don\u2019t you take leadership on this?\u201d I was like, \u201cNo, I want you to do it.\u201d He was like, \u201cWell, I\u2019ve been doing it the past couple of days, and you fussed at me.\u201d What I realized was\u2014in his previous marriage, he was very passive; and he did not take leadership\u2014he will admit that freely; he would say that, now, if he was sitting here. When I criticize his leadership, in even small ways, what that\u2019s doing is sort of tamping down that little sprout of leadership.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe really is a good leader; I mean, he\u2019s such a good leader at work, and in the church, and in our marriage. But in those moments, where I\u2019ve specifically said, \u201cHey, would you take leadership in this?\u201d and then I come in and say, \u201cWell, why aren\u2019t we doing it this way?\u201d I\u2019m aware that that thing right there\u2014because how much she criticized and wounded him for his leadership in their marriage\u2014I need to be careful around how I speak about it. I need to water it and give it sunshine instead of crush it under sort of a deluge of whatever I\u2019m thinking at the moment. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It\u2019s an ongoing learning experience; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I mean, that\u2019s life: we recognize, and we work on it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> I think that\u2019s so good; I\u2019m so glad you said that. Because you know, we have a big blowup about something\u2014we have conflict around something\u2014and it gets ironed out and worked through; and we think, \u201cOkay; now, we get it. We\u2019re never going to have to deal with that again.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I wish.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> That\u2019s just not the way that humans work.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> We have to come again, and again, and again to the same things and make sure that we\u2019re repenting often, and naming our sin often\/our specific sin against another often. It\u2019s just an ongoing process. It\u2019s like peeling an onion in a lot of ways. You\u2019re just constantly peeling back those layers, again and again, to get to the root of what God wants to heal. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It does get easier. I mean, the more we invite the Spirit in, and the more discipline we apply to ourselves, with time, we do shift those patterns and behaviors; and it does get easier. But even from a neurological standpoint, literally, you\u2019ve got to rewire your brain sometimes\u2014and that just takes time\u2014so cut yourself a break. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> Yes, it does take time; and it also\/it takes another person to help rewire our brains. We can\u2019t just do that by ourselves. If we\u2019re with someone\u2014with whom that conflict just keeps coming up again, and again, and again; and we\u2019re not able to seek healing or have a good conversation about it\u2014it might be time to bring in a third person, who is going to help sort of do the work of rewiring brain networks, and neural pathways, and all those things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That might be a counselor, or a coach, or a pastor, somebody who\u2019s really\u2014and depending on the depth of the problem, somebody who\u2019s really trained\u2014a therapist to lead you through that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, Lore, I want to come full circle to some of the themes that we started with and just wrap it up by, again, giving back to you some of the words in this really insightful blog that you wrote called \u201cSecond Wife, Second Life.\u201d You say that: \u201cEven though you are his second wife,\u201d\u2014in the blog, you say\u2014\u201cthis is still his and your first life.\u201d Yes, you\u2019re the second wife, but this is your first life\u2014\u201cyour first and only life,\u201d\u2014you said\u2014\u201cand that your one aim is to be found faithful within it.\u201d How does being found faithful help when you feel second?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> Well, I think remembering I am not second to God. I\u2019m not an afterthought to God\u2014rooting my identity in the Lord\u2014knowing that I was perfectly formed by Him for this life. That includes, for me, 34 years of singleness; and now, 5 years of marriage with my husband; and whatever the future might hold. I don\u2019t know what the future holds. The Lord has only given me one life. The Lord has crafted me for this life, and so not thinking of myself as second in that way to the Lord. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen I think\u2014I think it\u2019s just a process, you know?\u2014I don\u2019t think that anyone does this perfectly. We are all navigating life differently with the faith that we have, and the story that we have, and the insight that we have. I think it looks different for everyone. We have to give ourselves a lot of patience, and give the other a lot of patience, and walk by the Spirit.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> What you just said would be really good advice to somebody, who is really struggling with being second. Is there anything else that you might add to that for somebody, who is really wrestling with: \u201cYes, I really want to be first; but I\u2019m not his first\u201d? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> It\u2019s just so helpful for me to remember that: \u201cToday, I am his first; and today, I\u2019m the choice that he has made to love, and honor, and walk with in sickness and health, and all those things.\u201d That helps me just to keep my eyes on today\u2014on what I can do today\u2014and not be thinking about all that\u2019s come in the past, whether that\u2019s a first marriage, or whether it\u2019s just a history of a sexual past, or an emotional past that someone has. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt just helps me remember that God\u2019s doing something new today\u2014He\u2019s doing something new in our marriage today; He\u2019s doing something new in the world today; He\u2019s doing something new in the church today\u2014and I get to be a part of that today. That helps me to feel less like second best, or secondhand, or plan B. I\u2019m not plan B to God, and I\u2019m not plan B for my husband in God\u2019s eyes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, we\u2019ve been listening, again, to a conversation Ron Deal had with Lore Ferguson Wilbert. As she\u2019s talking, I keep thinking about one of my favorite verses in Scripture from Isaiah, where Isaiah says that God brings beauty from ashes. Ron Deal has often said: \u201cEvery second marriage\/every blended family, these are born out of loss, whether it is the death of a spouse or a divorce. Whatever it is, you are coming from a place of loss.\u201d There are ashes at your feet; and God says, \u201cWatch what I can do with these ashes. I can make something beautiful out of this.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I love what she said in her blog, when she said, \u201cThis is still your first and only life.\u201d When I\u2019ve talked to engaged women, whose fianc\u00e9 has a past\u2014and a lot of times even a sexual past\u2014I\u2019ll say, \u201cBut there is no one else in the entire universe like you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cThis is all new.\u201d But that is not always easy to remember in the moment. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think, sort of, one of the lies of the enemy is to take us into the past\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014and sort of have us live there, when it\u2019s the past. It was hurtful; but it\u2019s gone, and it\u2019s done. We have to go the future; but more importantly, live right here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You need to hear these things, not just once; you need to hear them over and over again. That\u2019s why people subscribe to Ron Deal\u2019s <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> podcast, so they can listen to new episodes; and they can go back and listen, again, to episodes that really spoke to them. There is information on our website, at FamilyLifeToday.com, about how you can subscribe to the podcast as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s why people are going to be joining us on Saturday, April 24<sup>th<\/sup>, for the one-day livestream event called <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em>, our annual event to help strengthen couples, who are in blended marriages\/blended families. When you sign up for this event, as a church, your church will have access to this content on an ongoing basis. There is more information about the one-day livestream event available on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon Deal will be giving leadership to this and will be speaking at the event, along with a whole host of speakers. Again, it\u2019s a great one-day event called <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em>. Get the information you need on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY if you have any questions; or we can help you get signed up for the event. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, speaking of the event, David Robbins, the president of FamilyLife, is here with us. This event, this podcast, all that we are doing to help blended marriages and families really is part of the larger commitment that we have, here, at FamilyLife to effectively develop godly marriages and families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Thanks, Bob. You know, the vision at FamilyLife has been, for a very long time, that we would be about every home being a godly home. Everything we do points to: \u201cHow do we pursue people and families and help them grow in their godliness?\u201d That\u2019s why I\u2019m so thankful for Ron Deal being a part of the FamilyLife team, helping blended families\u2014a large subset of families in our nation\u2014with very unique challenges. It\u2019s why we are grateful for events like <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em> because, many times, blended families will go to marriage events at their church\u2014and just seems like there are helpful things\u2014but it doesn\u2019t always connect to their exact situation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s exactly what <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em> is for. It\u2019s a whole event specifically designed for the unique challenges and opportunities blended families have. It\u2019s coming up soon. I would encourage you\u2014if you are part of a blended family, if you know someone who is in a blended family, if you want to minister and understand the needs of blended families\u2014I would encourage you to sign up and pass on that information. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut it\u2019s also why we develop resources like the <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> podcast. We want a place, where blended families can know there is something coming for them\/uniquely wired for them. Make sure to check out Ron\u2019s <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> podcast and <em>Blended &amp; Blessed. <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; again, you can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, for information about the podcast and about <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd with that, we\u2019ve got to wrap up for this week. Thanks for joining us. I hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church this weekend, and I hope you can join us back on Monday when we\u2019re going to talk with our friends, Jackie and Stephana Bledsoe, about the phases that a marriage goes through and how we need to adapt and adjust when our marriage is in a new stage or in a new phase. I hope you can tune in for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch. We got some extra help this week from Bruce Goff; of course, our entire broadcast production team is involved. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you Monday for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:29:45"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["27.25M"],"filesize_raw":["28568531"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-306795.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-306795.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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Deal and Lore Ferguson Wilbert discuss the healing journey she's experienced as her husband's second wife. She suggests adopting a heart of compassion instead of competition.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-03-26.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, March 26<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I\u2019m Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. As we\u2019ll hear today from Lore Ferguson Wilbert, it takes a lot of grace, a lot of humility, a lot of wisdom and maturity for a second marriage to work well. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. One of the things you guys have often talked to couples about is how, when we start marriage, we bring unopened suitcases into the marriage with us; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014a whole bunch of them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We think we\u2019ve opened most of them; but we get there, and we go: \u201cOh, I forgot about this one,\u201d \u201cI forgot about that one.\u201d They are all kinds of surprises that come along later. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; I think, in some ways, that\u2019s the beauty of marriage. I mean, it\u2019s really, really difficult; but you get to open wounds and things you\u2019ve carried. I mean, there are moments, where you look at your spouse; and you\u2019re like, \u201cWhat is that?!\u201d They are like, \u201cWhat are you talking about? This is who I am,\u201d\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, we don\u2019t even know. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014not realizing it\u2019s something you\u2019ve carried in that is harmful. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It seems like, sometimes, a marriage can bring out and up some of those things in our past. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> All of us have got those suitcases from our childhood, from relationships we had in high school or in college, or whatever has gone on. You get into a second marriage, and there is a whole new set of luggage that comes with that. That\u2019s what we\u2019re focusing on today. In fact, we\u2019re going to be listening to excerpts from an interview that our friend, Ron Deal, did with Lore Ferguson Wilbert. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLore had written an article for <em>Fathom <\/em>magazine called \u201cSecond Wife, Second Life,\u201d where she just got really honest about the challenges of dealing with the fact that she was number two, and that there had been a number one. That meant\u2014there is just a whole lot of expectation; there\u2019s a whole lot of adjustment\u2014there is a whole lot of reality that\u2019s got to be dealt with. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon reached out to her; and for his podcast, <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, he interviewed her. They peeled back the layers that a lot of second husbands and second wives have got to deal with. Let\u2019s listen to a part of that conversation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[<em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> Podcast] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Let me ask a question out of the blue: \u201cWhat\u2019s your relationship with his first wife?\u201d What I mean by that is, even if it\u2019s just your internal dialogue, how do you posture yourself in your mind? Maybe you\u2019ve never met her\u2014never had a conversation\u2014but there\u2019s still a relationship there. How would you describe that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> I think that, again, has changed over time. I think, in the beginning, I felt more insecure in relation to her. She was a bigger personality; she was\u2014would go out more, more extroverted\u2014enjoyed different things than I enjoyed. I felt inferior to her and insecure. I think the more time has gone on, my heart has just become more broken for the choices that she made, and the damage that happened there, and the way that she placed other gods before God in her life. I just lament that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I\u2019m in a place, where I\/I\u2019m careful to make sure that\u2014I don\u2019t think that Nate necessarily, my husband, needs to be praying for her and thinking of her often\u2014but I\u2019ve just taken the posture that, whenever she comes to mind\u2014which sometimes, in some seasons, is often and then, in other seasons, is not at all\u2014whenever she comes to mind, I just try to pray for her and just ask the Lord to be near to her; because I think there is something broken in her that needs to be healed\/that the Lord wants to heal, so I\u2019m just going to pray for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, for me, my posture has come from just an insecurity to now I\u2019m able to pray for her with more open hands. But I don\u2019t\u2014again, we don\u2019t have children\u2014and I think that adds an element to marriage and second marriages that I think complicates things in some really beautiful ways and some really difficult ways. She\u2019s not in my life in the sense that she\u2019s there; but yes, I hear what you say about we still do have a relationship in a sense. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> One of the things\u2014I want to talk to the listener for a minute, who maybe does have stepchildren, and is in a complex situation, where kids are moving between homes and you do have interaction on a regular basis with the other household\/your spouse\u2019s former spouse\u2014it\u2019s easy to have a relationship there that\u2019s parental but then crosses over into the \u201cwhat was\u201d and \u201cwhat happened\u201d and \u201cwhat\u2019s ongoing\u201d because of how the other person acts or behaves, or what they bring to the equation through the children, that sort of stuff. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tChecking your dialogue, I think, is really important; because if your dialogue to yourself about them are things like: \u201cOh, they are such a horrible person,\u201d\u2014and you just throw them into that category constantly\u2014or \u201cThey\u2019re the competition,\u201d\u2014or somehow not helpful to the children\/the enemy, whatever\u2014that just makes it really difficult for you to pray for them [or] to honor them in front of the children. You just might find yourself slipping down those roads, where you\u2019re bringing up old negative stuff and saying negative things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Practice instead,] if what you\u2019re thinking in your head was said out loud, and the other person were to hear it, that you would not be horribly embarrassed by what they just heard.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> I think, too\u2014I so agree with that\u2014and I think\/so I just want for the listener, who might not know, I am the child of divorce. It was a very, very messy, very long, drawn out\u2014lawyers on both sides said, \u201cThis is one of the messiest\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Wow. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cdivorces we\u2019ve ever walked through,\u201d\u2014I had to navigate that, as an adult, watching my younger siblings be torn back and forth between these\/my warring parents. I had to watch that, as an adult, sort of interacting with both of my parents, as adults, and learning to verbalize: \u201cHey, that\u2019s painful when you do that,\u201d or \u201cThat\u2019s not helpful,\u201d or \u201cJust as an adult, like, \u2018Let\u2019s be mature around this.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt started out giving me a lot of anger toward divorce. I had a lot of, I would say, a lot of baggage around divorce. I think the more time went on, the more empathy rose up in me\u2014not just for my own parents\u2014but I think for any adult, who has to walk through the pain of divorce. I think, by the time I met my husband, when I was 34, I had more empathy, just for him and for his story, than I think I would have had, as a 20-\/25-year-old, still caught in the middle of these warring parties.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You say in your blog you hate divorce. What happened to your family, obviously, was detrimental and difficult for you\u2014a 12-year custody battle; you had siblings, and they were caught in the middle of all of that\u2014and you saw\/it sounds like you saw the worst come out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore: <\/strong>It was probably one of the hardest things I\u2019ve ever walked through. I know that divorce doesn\u2019t have to be like that; I know that, if you\u2019ve got two people, who are endeavoring to honor one another in that process, it can look really different. But it didn\u2019t look that way for my family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was\u2014I would say it was one of the most formative things for my life\u2014forming me in how I saw the Lord and how I saw marriage. I mean, I was terrified of marriage; I was terrified that marriage was going to be abusive, and dishonoring, and full of fights and anger. The Lord, in His grace, did not give me a marriage like that; but I carried that terror around for years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I\u2019m thankful that He didn\u2019t bring that into your life\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014in this new marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m wondering if you had any hesitations, though, when you met your husband, and started dating, and you knew his story at some point. Did you have any black and white: \u201cWell, I can\u2019t be with you then?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t because I knew many of his close friends. I knew the pastors and elders he had walked through his divorce with from our church. I was very close to those people. I knew that his character was what it is, but I knew that because other people vouched for his character. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s very helpful; that\u2019s a wise thing to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> I think it\u2019s necessary in these things. I think it\u2019s necessary, no matter who you marry. I think it should be a part of that process of getting to know someone. But yes, I\u2019m just really grateful that I didn\u2019t have those concerns kind of coming along as baggage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Let me break in here. We\u2019re listening to a portion of a conversation that Ron Deal, the head of FamilyLife Blended<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, had with Lore Ferguson Wilbert about the reality of being a second wife or a second husband in a marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat point about doing a little bit of a background check and having others, who can vouch for the character\u2014she was right; that matters, whether it is a first marriage\/a second marriage\u2014don\u2019t just allow your own blinded infatuation to carry you through this. If you\u2019ve got friends or family members, who are throwing up red flags about the relationship, you need to pay attention to those. If you don\u2019t have people, who are throwing in the red flags, ask your friends, \u201cIs there anything you think I\u2019m missing here?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think it\u2019s a little bit like wearing sunglasses. You see the person, and you think you know everything; but there are parts that you don\u2019t. To ask someone else can be a really wise move; but let me ask you this: \u201cIf you are going into a second marriage, would you ask a former wife about her husband that you are engaged to?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You know, I think that so dependent on all of the dynamics of how the breakup happened\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014and what the level of anger or hostility in all of that is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> She may have nothing nice to say, or he may\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I don\u2019t think\/you just have to recognize: \u201cIf you are going to ask that question, you\u2019re going to get a subjective answer. You have to filter that through whatever wounds or pain led them to where they are.\u201d I think I might ask, but I don\u2019t know that I would necessarily take the answer\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014as being, \u201cWell, this is for real or for sure.\u201d I\u2019d be more likely to ask other family members, people at church\u2014that\u2019s where I\u2019d go\u2014I\u2019d go to the people, who know that other person on a spiritual level\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014who\u2019ve watched what their walk with Jesus looks like\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014and they can comment on that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> As hard as it is, you want honesty. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You really want to know. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> At the end of the day, their walk with Jesus is going to be the key thing to the success of that new relationship; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We want to continue hearing an excerpt from Ron\u2019s conversation with Lore Ferguson Wilbert. Let me just say: Ron is going to be hosting an event, here in about four weeks, called <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em>. This is an annual event, that we do at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, that is the premier event for couples, who are in second marriages\/couples who are in blended families\u2014couples who are looking for help for their relationship\u2014they just want to strengthen the relationship that they are in today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can go online to find out more about <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em>. It\u2019s an online event this year. People are going to be watching from all around the world. Some couples will watch on their own; other couples will get together with other couples. There are churches that will be hosting this event. Again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em>. It\u2019s coming up four weeks from this weekend; that\u2019s April 24<sup>th<\/sup>. The information is available, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet\u2019s pick up the conversation. This, again, is Ron Deal with Lore Ferguson Wilbert, talking about the dynamics of being a second wife. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[<em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> Podcast] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Lore, I want to go back to something we were talking about earlier. We were talking about the wounds that your husband has from his previous relationship. You say in your blog, \u201cThe wounds of a former spouse can be deep and raw; and a mere misstep of the second spouse\u201d\u2014that would be you\u2014\u201ccan be wildly more painful than we knew.\u201d Tell me about a time when you inadvertently stepped on something raw and painful, and what did you learn from it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> Yes! I\u2019ll give you an example from this morning, if I can.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Hey, relevant to today; that\u2019s great.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> Yes. We\u2019re navigating life in this pandemic season, and we\u2019re just trying to figure out some new rhythms in our home and some new normal. He\u2019s not normally here in the morning, but he\u2019s been here. That\u2019s a new thing for me; I usually work from home, and I\u2019m by myself. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are trying to figure out a new morning prayer rhythm. This morning, he\u2019s trying to implement some family prayer for us. He mentioned it last week; and I said, \u201cGo for it.\u201d This morning, he said, \u201cWell, why don\u2019t you take leadership on this?\u201d I was like, \u201cNo, I want you to do it.\u201d He was like, \u201cWell, I\u2019ve been doing it the past couple of days, and you fussed at me.\u201d What I realized was\u2014in his previous marriage, he was very passive; and he did not take leadership\u2014he will admit that freely; he would say that, now, if he was sitting here. When I criticize his leadership, in even small ways, what that\u2019s doing is sort of tamping down that little sprout of leadership.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe really is a good leader; I mean, he\u2019s such a good leader at work, and in the church, and in our marriage. But in those moments, where I\u2019ve specifically said, \u201cHey, would you take leadership in this?\u201d and then I come in and say, \u201cWell, why aren\u2019t we doing it this way?\u201d I\u2019m aware that that thing right there\u2014because how much she criticized and wounded him for his leadership in their marriage\u2014I need to be careful around how I speak about it. I need to water it and give it sunshine instead of crush it under sort of a deluge of whatever I\u2019m thinking at the moment. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It\u2019s an ongoing learning experience; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I mean, that\u2019s life: we recognize, and we work on it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> I think that\u2019s so good; I\u2019m so glad you said that. Because you know, we have a big blowup about something\u2014we have conflict around something\u2014and it gets ironed out and worked through; and we think, \u201cOkay; now, we get it. We\u2019re never going to have to deal with that again.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I wish.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> That\u2019s just not the way that humans work.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> We have to come again, and again, and again to the same things and make sure that we\u2019re repenting often, and naming our sin often\/our specific sin against another often. It\u2019s just an ongoing process. It\u2019s like peeling an onion in a lot of ways. You\u2019re just constantly peeling back those layers, again and again, to get to the root of what God wants to heal. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It does get easier. I mean, the more we invite the Spirit in, and the more discipline we apply to ourselves, with time, we do shift those patterns and behaviors; and it does get easier. But even from a neurological standpoint, literally, you\u2019ve got to rewire your brain sometimes\u2014and that just takes time\u2014so cut yourself a break. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> Yes, it does take time; and it also\/it takes another person to help rewire our brains. We can\u2019t just do that by ourselves. If we\u2019re with someone\u2014with whom that conflict just keeps coming up again, and again, and again; and we\u2019re not able to seek healing or have a good conversation about it\u2014it might be time to bring in a third person, who is going to help sort of do the work of rewiring brain networks, and neural pathways, and all those things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That might be a counselor, or a coach, or a pastor, somebody who\u2019s really\u2014and depending on the depth of the problem, somebody who\u2019s really trained\u2014a therapist to lead you through that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, Lore, I want to come full circle to some of the themes that we started with and just wrap it up by, again, giving back to you some of the words in this really insightful blog that you wrote called \u201cSecond Wife, Second Life.\u201d You say that: \u201cEven though you are his second wife,\u201d\u2014in the blog, you say\u2014\u201cthis is still his and your first life.\u201d Yes, you\u2019re the second wife, but this is your first life\u2014\u201cyour first and only life,\u201d\u2014you said\u2014\u201cand that your one aim is to be found faithful within it.\u201d How does being found faithful help when you feel second?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> Well, I think remembering I am not second to God. I\u2019m not an afterthought to God\u2014rooting my identity in the Lord\u2014knowing that I was perfectly formed by Him for this life. That includes, for me, 34 years of singleness; and now, 5 years of marriage with my husband; and whatever the future might hold. I don\u2019t know what the future holds. The Lord has only given me one life. The Lord has crafted me for this life, and so not thinking of myself as second in that way to the Lord. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen I think\u2014I think it\u2019s just a process, you know?\u2014I don\u2019t think that anyone does this perfectly. We are all navigating life differently with the faith that we have, and the story that we have, and the insight that we have. I think it looks different for everyone. We have to give ourselves a lot of patience, and give the other a lot of patience, and walk by the Spirit.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> What you just said would be really good advice to somebody, who is really struggling with being second. Is there anything else that you might add to that for somebody, who is really wrestling with: \u201cYes, I really want to be first; but I\u2019m not his first\u201d? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lore:<\/strong> It\u2019s just so helpful for me to remember that: \u201cToday, I am his first; and today, I\u2019m the choice that he has made to love, and honor, and walk with in sickness and health, and all those things.\u201d That helps me just to keep my eyes on today\u2014on what I can do today\u2014and not be thinking about all that\u2019s come in the past, whether that\u2019s a first marriage, or whether it\u2019s just a history of a sexual past, or an emotional past that someone has. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt just helps me remember that God\u2019s doing something new today\u2014He\u2019s doing something new in our marriage today; He\u2019s doing something new in the world today; He\u2019s doing something new in the church today\u2014and I get to be a part of that today. That helps me to feel less like second best, or secondhand, or plan B. I\u2019m not plan B to God, and I\u2019m not plan B for my husband in God\u2019s eyes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, we\u2019ve been listening, again, to a conversation Ron Deal had with Lore Ferguson Wilbert. As she\u2019s talking, I keep thinking about one of my favorite verses in Scripture from Isaiah, where Isaiah says that God brings beauty from ashes. Ron Deal has often said: \u201cEvery second marriage\/every blended family, these are born out of loss, whether it is the death of a spouse or a divorce. Whatever it is, you are coming from a place of loss.\u201d There are ashes at your feet; and God says, \u201cWatch what I can do with these ashes. I can make something beautiful out of this.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I love what she said in her blog, when she said, \u201cThis is still your first and only life.\u201d When I\u2019ve talked to engaged women, whose fianc\u00e9 has a past\u2014and a lot of times even a sexual past\u2014I\u2019ll say, \u201cBut there is no one else in the entire universe like you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cThis is all new.\u201d But that is not always easy to remember in the moment. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think, sort of, one of the lies of the enemy is to take us into the past\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014and sort of have us live there, when it\u2019s the past. It was hurtful; but it\u2019s gone, and it\u2019s done. We have to go the future; but more importantly, live right here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You need to hear these things, not just once; you need to hear them over and over again. That\u2019s why people subscribe to Ron Deal\u2019s <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> podcast, so they can listen to new episodes; and they can go back and listen, again, to episodes that really spoke to them. There is information on our website, at FamilyLifeToday.com, about how you can subscribe to the podcast as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s why people are going to be joining us on Saturday, April 24<sup>th<\/sup>, for the one-day livestream event called <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em>, our annual event to help strengthen couples, who are in blended marriages\/blended families. When you sign up for this event, as a church, your church will have access to this content on an ongoing basis. There is more information about the one-day livestream event available on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon Deal will be giving leadership to this and will be speaking at the event, along with a whole host of speakers. Again, it\u2019s a great one-day event called <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em>. Get the information you need on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY if you have any questions; or we can help you get signed up for the event. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, speaking of the event, David Robbins, the president of FamilyLife, is here with us. This event, this podcast, all that we are doing to help blended marriages and families really is part of the larger commitment that we have, here, at FamilyLife to effectively develop godly marriages and families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Thanks, Bob. You know, the vision at FamilyLife has been, for a very long time, that we would be about every home being a godly home. Everything we do points to: \u201cHow do we pursue people and families and help them grow in their godliness?\u201d That\u2019s why I\u2019m so thankful for Ron Deal being a part of the FamilyLife team, helping blended families\u2014a large subset of families in our nation\u2014with very unique challenges. It\u2019s why we are grateful for events like <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em> because, many times, blended families will go to marriage events at their church\u2014and just seems like there are helpful things\u2014but it doesn\u2019t always connect to their exact situation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s exactly what <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em> is for. It\u2019s a whole event specifically designed for the unique challenges and opportunities blended families have. It\u2019s coming up soon. I would encourage you\u2014if you are part of a blended family, if you know someone who is in a blended family, if you want to minister and understand the needs of blended families\u2014I would encourage you to sign up and pass on that information. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut it\u2019s also why we develop resources like the <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> podcast. We want a place, where blended families can know there is something coming for them\/uniquely wired for them. Make sure to check out Ron\u2019s <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> podcast and <em>Blended &amp; Blessed. <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; again, you can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, for information about the podcast and about <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd with that, we\u2019ve got to wrap up for this week. Thanks for joining us. I hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church this weekend, and I hope you can join us back on Monday when we\u2019re going to talk with our friends, Jackie and Stephana Bledsoe, about the phases that a marriage goes through and how we need to adapt and adjust when our marriage is in a new stage or in a new phase. I hope you can tune in for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch. We got some extra help this week from Bruce Goff; of course, our entire broadcast production team is involved. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you Monday for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. 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