{"id":306777,"date":"2021-03-18T07:00:05","date_gmt":"2021-03-18T11:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/escaping-the-secret-life\/"},"modified":"2025-04-23T12:48:38","modified_gmt":"2025-04-23T16:48:38","slug":"escaping-the-secret-life","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/escaping-the-secret-life\/","title":{"rendered":"Escaping the Secret Life"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Do you ever feel like you have to prove yourself worthy for God to love you? Author and speaker Sharon Hersh talks about the life of addiction she knew needed God&#8217;s healing.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Do you ever feel like you have to prove yourself worthy for God to love you? Author and speaker Sharon Hersh talks about the life of addiction she knew needed God&#8217;s healing.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-03-18.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:29:20","filesize":"26.86M","filesize_raw":"28166462","date_recorded":"2021-03-18 07:00:05","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2840,2873],"tags":[6806],"podcast_series":[8433],"cwp_profile":[8940],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306777","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-addiction","category-mental-and-emotional-issues","tag-toxic-people","podcast_series-belonging","cwp_profile-sharon-hersh","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306777\/escaping-the-secret-life","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306777\/escaping-the-secret-life","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"SKR7d555DG\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/escaping-the-secret-life\/\">Escaping the Secret Life<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/escaping-the-secret-life\/embed\/#?secret=SKR7d555DG\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Escaping the Secret Life&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"SKR7d555DG\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-03-18.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-03-18.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>One of the things that keeps us from healthy relationships in marriage, in our family, relationships with others is the secrets that we carry. Here\u2019s author and counselor, Sharon Hersh.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>We don\u2019t carry our secrets; they carry us. They carry us into shame, guilt, despair, feeling like a fraud, not being able to <em>connect<\/em> with other people. We don\u2019t feel like we belong, because we\u2019re not our true self.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, March 18<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. What do we do with our secrets, with our shame and our guilt? How do we break the power they have over us and the impact they have on our relationships? We\u2019re going to talk more about that today with Sharon Hersh. Stay with us.<\/p>\n<p>And welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You guys know Matt Chandler, the pastor in Dallas.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Matt was part of the <em>Stepping Up<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> video series that we did, and he\u2019s a well-known pastor and author.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>He\u2019s a <em>great<\/em> teacher.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>He is. He said something one time that has kind of stuck with me; he said: \u201cAt our church, we tell people it\u2019s okay not to be okay. It\u2019s just not okay to stay there.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve always thought that\u2019s a great perspective; and it\u2019s a perspective I think all of us, who are a part of the faith, need to acknowledge: \u201cIt\u2019s okay not to be okay,\u201d because I\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>Is anyone okay?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, that\u2019s the point! [Laughter] That\u2019s the point; we\u2019re all a mess, and we\u2019d probably all be better off if we would acknowledge the mess that we are.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014and admit.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think what we\u2019re going to talk about here this week is the fact that this mess that is us\u2014if we can be honest with ourselves and honest with God about that mess, and maybe start to be bold enough to be honest with one another\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; I always want to\u2014whenever I address this topic\/the brokenness of us\u2014which is absolutely real and sometimes so despicable you can\u2019t believe it\u2019s in your wife; [Laughter] okay, it\u2019s in yourself!\u2014I\u2019m kidding. Because we see it in everybody else, but it\u2019s in us.<\/p>\n<p>But at the other side\u2014this is what I want to say: \u201cThere\u2019s an image of God that\u2019s real,\u201d\u2014and there\u2019s a redemption that meets <em>both<\/em>. They\u2019re both true simultaneously.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s why, when we can begin to acknowledge the brokenness and be honest about it, we\u2019re on the <em>path<\/em> to the restoration of the glory that God implanted when he implanted His image in us.<\/p>\n<p>We\u2019re going to be talking about that with our friend, Sharon Hersh, who is joining us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Sharon, welcome back.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>It\u2019s great to be with you. FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> has always been so gracious to me; because, you know, I started out as a speaker for the FamilyLife marriage team; then my life fell apart and became very messy, like we\u2019re talking about. I think there\u2019s a bad rap in the Christian circle that there\u2019s not grace for people whose lives fall apart; that is not something I have <em>ever<\/em> experienced. What I <em>have<\/em> experienced from people, like you, is that the mess can become a message.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>I think I identify with more people than we even realize that what\u2019s on the surface of our lives is important, but what\u2019s way deep down inside\u2014that we\u2019re afraid to talk about, because we have this myth or lie that everyone will reject us, and no one will love us, and no one will want us back\u2014I am here today to say that is not true.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Sharon is an author. She teaches as an adjunct professor at Reformed Theological Seminary in Orlando. She does counseling; she\u2019s the mother of two adult children. Your latest book, <em>Belonging<\/em>, is probably the most\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014raw?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014transparent of any of the books you\u2019ve written. This was kind of a journey to be able to say, \u201cOkay, I\u2019m going to be transparent with my readers\/with people,\u201d because there is healing that comes when you open that door. As scary as that is, there\u2019s healing on the other side; isn\u2019t there?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>There is. You know, it took some time. I think, as my dear friend, Brennan Manning, who\u2019s no longer with us, said\u2014and he\u2019s known for telling people the truth about his life\u2014but he also said, \u201cI tell people as much truth as I want to.\u201d As I heard that from him, I began to think, \u201cWhat\u2019s the truth I\u2019m not telling?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>You started\u2014let\u2019s go back to middle school; you were a high-performer\/high-achiever\u2014I mean, you had a public persona that you were trying to live up to, even when you knew about the junk in your own heart. You thought, \u201cI just have to keep all of that hidden and be this person everybody expects me to be.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, I thought it was interesting, Sharon, because you start your book by stating: \u201cI don\u2019t know how my life became all about me, but it did.\u201d That\u2019s what you\u2019re referring to, Bob. Back in your early years, that\u2019s what you were referring to; what do you mean by that?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>I <em>love<\/em> that both of you have started at the beginning, because our stories <em>do<\/em> tell us who we are. That\u2019s why, as a therapist, I\u2019m very interested in people\u2019s stories.<\/p>\n<p>I learned\u2014and I\u2019m not placing the blame for this for anyone\u2014but I learned, early on, that looking good made things better. I mean, if you have middle schoolers out there, you know that! Looking good is what it\u2019s all about. Sometimes looking good in the church is what it\u2019s all about. But we don\u2019t need to blame the church, because that is our <em>world<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>I felt, in this conflict\/like from the very beginning, that\u2014as Romans, Chapters 6 and 7 says\u2014\u201cThe things I want to do I can\u2019t figure out a way to do them; and the things that I <em>don\u2019t<\/em> want to do, that\u2019s what I find myself doing.\u201d So the message, from early on, was: \u201cTry harder,\u201d \u201cDo better,\u201d and \u201cLook good.\u201d When you are <em>caught<\/em> in that <em>terrible<\/em> trap of\u2014\u201cI need to be more,\u201d \u201cI need to do better, but I <em>can\u2019t<\/em>,\u201d\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>What did that look like, specifically, as you were growing up?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>I think I questioned my faith in middle school. I remember a story of being at a Josh McDowell conference\u2014which those who are listening, who are old like me, remember that [Laughter]\u2014and thinking, \u201cI don\u2019t belong here.\u201d It is the sense of: \u201cWhere do I belong? I don\u2019t belong in the church; because I question things; and I do things that, if anyone knew, they\u2019d kick me out.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Yet, this feeling that, \u201cI want to belong to something that is more than me,\u201d which we have certainly seen in our culture in these days. People want to belong to a cause, an idea, a movement that is more than just ourselves. Being caught in that conflict left me feeling like: \u201cI\u2019m not enough,\u201d \u201cI can\u2019t do it right,\u201d \u201cNo matter how hard I try, I\u2019m going to fail.\u201d So\u2014and this is the deadly part of my story\u2014and I wonder if people out there could identify with this.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>Is that where the title, <em>Belonging<\/em>\u2014I mean, that is a word, when you hear it, it\u2019s emotional\u2014is that where it came from?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>It is. The belief that, to belong, I have to keep things secret.<\/p>\n<p>As I say in the book, it didn\u2019t take me too long into my early adult life to figure out: \u201cWe don\u2019t carry our secrets; they carry us.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>Oh, talk about that. What do you mean?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>Well, I think that we believe: \u201cIf I don\u2019t tell anyone about this\u2026\u201d \u201cIf I don\u2019t express this doubt\u2026\u201d \u201cIf no one knows about this behavior\u2026\u201d\u2014and certainly part of my story that I am very open to talk about is being an alcoholic and being in recovery: two steps forward; three steps back for 30 years\u2014that the parts we keep <em>secret<\/em> carry us into shame, guilt, despair, feeling like a fraud, not being able to <em>connect<\/em> with other people. We don\u2019t feel like we belong, because we\u2019re not our true self.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>You know, I went on vacation, as a seven-year-old, with my family; it was one of those <em>great<\/em> trips that I can remember. But as you were talking, this flashback in my mind, Sharon, that I can remember having had some sexual abuse happen before this trip; but on this trip, we had vacationed with families that we had never been with. That <em>same<\/em> abuse happened with an older teenage boy. I never forgot that trip; because it was after that time that it started in my head, this thought, \u201cSomething must be wrong with <em>me<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Before, I thought, \u201cMaybe this is just <em>they\u2019re<\/em> messed up.\u201d But that was the day it solidified in my mind: \u201cIt\u2019s <em>me<\/em>; something\u2019s wrong with <em>me<\/em>.\u201d I had that sense that I <em>didn\u2019t<\/em> belong\/that there must be something wrong with me; and I\u2019m over here by myself, when all the world is right, but I\u2019m not.<\/p>\n<p>There\u2019s a tragedy in that\u2014for so many of us that have that sense\u2014\u201cI don\u2019t belong.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>You had that as a child; you share about it in your book.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>I do. There are many stories in this book that I have never told until this book; because, as you\u2019re saying, Ann\u2014as children especially\u2014when we have tragedy or betrayal happen in our lives, we believe, \u201cIt\u2019s my fault.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>And we tuck it away.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>So as we begin to tell the truth about our lives\u2014now, I don\u2019t want to make this all rainbows and happiness\u2014because telling the truth about our lives is <em>scary<\/em>. We will be judged by some people.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>You\u2019ll lose friends.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>You\u2019ve lost friends.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>I have; and yet, at the same time, I know there is something about telling the truth about my life. The book, <em>Belonging<\/em>, begins with telling about a DUI I got 15 years ago, and something I still feel shame about as I talk about it today. Yet, what I <em>know<\/em> is that those people, who judge me, maybe have not had experience with the situation; or maybe they\u2019re scared of something in their own lives.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>Sharon, take us back to that; like what happened?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>You know\u2014whether you\u2019re seven and you carry a secret for a long time\u2014I was carrying this secret that I was addicted to alcohol. As a Christian\u2014and I was a Christian; I loved God, and I wanted to serve Him\u2014but that did not negate this biological reality that was going on in my life.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Did that start in high school for you?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>No, it started in my early 20s.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>Let me be the therapist for a second, please! You have a secret that\u2019s alcoholism; but in any kind of addiction, we\u2019re <em>escaping<\/em> something else. Had you dealt with what you were escaping from?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>No; such a great question! Because we are tempted, when someone in our lives is doing selfish, unthinkable behavior\u2014and that\u2019s what alcoholism is\u2014our temptation is to say: \u201cWhat are you doing?!\u201d \u201c<em>How<\/em> can you do this?!\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u201cStop!\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>Yes! Instead of asking, as you just did, Ann, \u201cWhat\u2019s the <em>pain<\/em> behind that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>What was the pain that opened the door to alcohol for you?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>It was anxiety. That anxiety is fueled\u2014there can be chemical realities\u2014but for me, I think it was fueled by this performance energy that: \u201cI have to look good,\u201d \u201cI have to do more,\u201d \u201cI have got to rise above the questions, doubts, pain in my life.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>As a 21-year-old, I discovered alcohol, which numbed the pain, took away the questions, made me <em>feel<\/em>\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014gave you courage.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>\u2014at home in my own skin.<\/p>\n<p>It wasn\u2019t a problem until it became a problem. As I have said often: \u201cAlcohol makes everything <em>better<\/em>, until it makes everything <em>worse<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>At that time of my life, when I got a DUI, my marriage was falling apart. All of my strategies to <em>prove<\/em> that I was a <em>good<\/em> Christian\u2014which, if you just hear that sentence, it negates the <em>gospel<\/em>\u2014but it\u2019s what I believed. All my strategies were falling apart.<\/p>\n<p>At that time, the liquor stores were closed in Colorado on Sundays. I went to a restaurant and started to order drinks to numb me to [myself]. My life had become all about me, and that\u2019s hard to admit; because we see in our culture, people\u2014who are celebrities or political figures\u2014who we can easily say, \u201cOh, their life are all about them.\u201d But <em>most<\/em> of us think about: \u201cWhat makes <em>me<\/em> look better?\u201d \u201cWhat makes <em>me<\/em> look successful?\u201d \u201cWhat do <em>I<\/em> want?\u201d \u201cWhat makes <em>me<\/em> feel good?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>As I was driving home from that restaurant, the most terrible thing I could imagine happened. I saw the flashing lights of the police car behind me. I thought, \u201cOkay; the gig is up. I cannot outperform the pain, and doubt, and questions in my life.\u201d Certainly, that came home to me when they took me to a detox facility and said, \u201cOkay, you can leave; call someone.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I thought, \u201cWho would I call? Who could I tell the truth about <em>me<\/em> to anyone?\u201d That opened the door to a journey that I did not expect. I mean, I was not 20 years old.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>I was 40 years old.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>And you had kids that were in your house still.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>\u2014that were teenagers.<\/p>\n<p>To begin to rethink what it looks like to live a life of faith\u2014not in <em>me<\/em> but in Someone who is far <em>more<\/em> than me\u2014it sounds good, but it\u2019s <em>not<\/em> easy.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>So was that the worst night of your life, or do you look back and say it actually was a turning point?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>It was a turning point. It was not the worst night of my life; I <em>thought<\/em> it was at that point, Dave.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>It really opened the door for me to think, \u201cDo I believe I am loved by God, not for what I do or don\u2019t do, but because of who God <em>is<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>It reminds me of a quote\u2014it\u2019s a friend of mine who said this\u2014\u201cAll of our hatred or lack of self-esteem is denying everything that God wanted you to be and choosing to see yourself as the enemy wants you to be seen. This is actually a form of pride; in that, pride is not necessarily thinking a lot of yourself, but it\u2019s thinking of yourself <em>a lot<\/em>. You\u2019re believing yourself more than you\u2019re believing God.\u201d Does that resonate with what you\u2019re saying?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>It <em>does<\/em> resonate; and yet, for <em>most<\/em> of us, it\u2019s counterintuitive. We think the life of faith is <em>proving<\/em> ourselves; I certainly believed it was <em>protecting<\/em> myself.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>I talked about this subject in one of the chapters in the book, <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em>, because 1 Corinthians 13 says, \u201cLove rejoices in the truth.\u201d In marriage, I think we all have this tendency to want to only show to one another\u2014in marriage, where we\u2019re supposed to be naked and unashamed, where we\u2019re supposed to be transparent\/be one with one another\u2014it\u2019s still kind of like, \u201cIf you <em>really<\/em> knew this about me, you would run. You would not want to be here; you would say, \u2018I\u2019ve made a mistake\u2019; you\u2019d look for an out as quickly as you could.\u201d So we keep a manicured performance.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u2014even in our own home.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>It\u2019s <em>sad<\/em>; isn\u2019t it?\u2014because it\u2019s the place where, hopefully, we are <em>received<\/em> with all of our flaws, and all of our frailty, and all of our failures.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think part of the reason we are afraid to be honest is because we\u2019ve seen other people be honest, and we\u2019ve seen them be punished for their honesty. We\u2019ve seen them bear the reproach of others, who have said, \u201cOh, that\u2019s you?\u201d \u2014and they\u2019ve been shunned; they\u2019ve been outcast\u2014we go, \u201cWell, I\u2019m not doing <em>that<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>Well, I mean, I\u2019m thinking, Sharon, if you walked into church a day or two after you got pulled over for a DUI: \u201cWhat are people going to think?\u201d It should be the place, where they go, \u201cWe\u2019re here to help\u201d; but it\u2019s the place, often, of judgment.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>I think, too, Sharon, what you said is: \u201cWho would I call?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I think we all have to decide that: \u201cDo I have someone that I can let them see all of me?\u201d I think that\u2019s a really important question\u2014whether you\u2019re married\/whether you\u2019re single\u2014that we all have to have someone besides God; because God\u2019s the first One to be honest with, I would say; but also someone else, to say: \u201cThis is who I am,\u201d and \u201cI\u2019m really struggling.\u201d Do we have that person?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u201cDo I belong?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Here\u2019s I think the other thing I \u2018ve recognized in all of this\u2014because some of us can be pretty good performers\u2014and we can go, \u201cI can hold it together. I don\u2019t know what happened to Sharon. She got sided, but I can hold it all together.\u201d What that breeds is self-righteousness and judgmental-ism. You become one of these people: \u201cWhy can\u2019t you hold it all together? Why can\u2019t you be good like <em>me<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Either one\u2014you go back to Luke 15, the story of the prodigal son?\u2014there are two messed-up people in that parable.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>They both missed the gospel.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s right! There\u2019s the prodigal, who lived out in the world; and there\u2019s the self-righteous older brother, who said, \u201cWhy can\u2019t you be perfect like me?\u201d Both of them needed forgiveness, and hope, and restoration. That\u2019s why the father comes to the self-righteous older brother and says, \u201cAren\u2019t you coming to the party?\u201d He [older brother] said, \u201cHow come I don\u2019t get a party? I\u2019ve been perfect!\u201d The father says, \u201cYou\u2019re welcome in if you\u2019ll\u2026\u201d\u2014\u201cBlessed are the poor in spirit; they\u2019re the ones who see God.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>This is really where you take us in your book, <em>Belonging<\/em>, which we have available in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. The subtitle is <em>Finding the Way Back to One Another<\/em>. I just think about the marriages, where transparency needs to be a part of the relationship\u2014all of our relationships\u2014being more open and honest with one another. This is at the heart of Sharon\u2019s book. Again, you can order the book from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to get a copy of Sharon Hersh\u2019s book, <em>Belonging<\/em>. The website, again: FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to order: 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I also want to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d to those of you who are regular listeners to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, and those of you who, from time to time, will get in touch with us and say: \u201cWe are grateful for how God is using this ministry in our life, in our community, in our world. Thank you for the ongoing work of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. We want to support what you\u2019re doing with a donation.\u201d Those donations are the lifeblood of this ministry. You make it possible for us to be here every day for us to reach more people, more often, all around the world. There are hundreds of thousands of people being impacted today by a conversation like this because of investments, listeners like you, have made in this ministry.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re able to help today with a donation in support of this ministry, we\u2019d love to send you, as a thank-you gift, a copy of a book we talked about earlier this week\/a book called <em>Toxic Sons- and Daughters-in-Law<\/em> by Doyle Roth. That book looks at how we should interact with our sons- or daughters-in-law if there has been some kind of disruption in our family unity as a result of them being grafted in. Again, the book is our thank-you gift to you when you donate to support this ministry. You can donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Now, tomorrow, we want to talk more with Sharon Hersh about the courage to be honest about who we really are and what we do when that honesty invites scorn or ridicule. How do we handle that? We\u2019ll have that conversation tomorrow. I hope you can tune in for that.<\/p>\n<p>I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch. We got some special help from Bruce Goff; and of course, our entire broadcast production team was a part of shaping this program. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. 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you ever feel like you have to prove yourself worthy for God to love you? Author and speaker Sharon Hersh talks about the life of addiction she knew needed God's healing.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-03-18.pdf","transcript_content":"<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>One of the things that keeps us from healthy relationships in marriage, in our family, relationships with others is the secrets that we carry. Here\u2019s author and counselor, Sharon Hersh.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>We don\u2019t carry our secrets; they carry us. They carry us into shame, guilt, despair, feeling like a fraud, not being able to <em>connect<\/em> with other people. We don\u2019t feel like we belong, because we\u2019re not our true self.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, March 18<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. What do we do with our secrets, with our shame and our guilt? How do we break the power they have over us and the impact they have on our relationships? We\u2019re going to talk more about that today with Sharon Hersh. Stay with us.<\/p>\n<p>And welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You guys know Matt Chandler, the pastor in Dallas.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Matt was part of the <em>Stepping Up<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> video series that we did, and he\u2019s a well-known pastor and author.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>He\u2019s a <em>great<\/em> teacher.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>He is. He said something one time that has kind of stuck with me; he said: \u201cAt our church, we tell people it\u2019s okay not to be okay. It\u2019s just not okay to stay there.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve always thought that\u2019s a great perspective; and it\u2019s a perspective I think all of us, who are a part of the faith, need to acknowledge: \u201cIt\u2019s okay not to be okay,\u201d because I\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>Is anyone okay?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, that\u2019s the point! [Laughter] That\u2019s the point; we\u2019re all a mess, and we\u2019d probably all be better off if we would acknowledge the mess that we are.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014and admit.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think what we\u2019re going to talk about here this week is the fact that this mess that is us\u2014if we can be honest with ourselves and honest with God about that mess, and maybe start to be bold enough to be honest with one another\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; I always want to\u2014whenever I address this topic\/the brokenness of us\u2014which is absolutely real and sometimes so despicable you can\u2019t believe it\u2019s in your wife; [Laughter] okay, it\u2019s in yourself!\u2014I\u2019m kidding. Because we see it in everybody else, but it\u2019s in us.<\/p>\n<p>But at the other side\u2014this is what I want to say: \u201cThere\u2019s an image of God that\u2019s real,\u201d\u2014and there\u2019s a redemption that meets <em>both<\/em>. They\u2019re both true simultaneously.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s why, when we can begin to acknowledge the brokenness and be honest about it, we\u2019re on the <em>path<\/em> to the restoration of the glory that God implanted when he implanted His image in us.<\/p>\n<p>We\u2019re going to be talking about that with our friend, Sharon Hersh, who is joining us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Sharon, welcome back.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>It\u2019s great to be with you. FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> has always been so gracious to me; because, you know, I started out as a speaker for the FamilyLife marriage team; then my life fell apart and became very messy, like we\u2019re talking about. I think there\u2019s a bad rap in the Christian circle that there\u2019s not grace for people whose lives fall apart; that is not something I have <em>ever<\/em> experienced. What I <em>have<\/em> experienced from people, like you, is that the mess can become a message.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>I think I identify with more people than we even realize that what\u2019s on the surface of our lives is important, but what\u2019s way deep down inside\u2014that we\u2019re afraid to talk about, because we have this myth or lie that everyone will reject us, and no one will love us, and no one will want us back\u2014I am here today to say that is not true.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Sharon is an author. She teaches as an adjunct professor at Reformed Theological Seminary in Orlando. She does counseling; she\u2019s the mother of two adult children. Your latest book, <em>Belonging<\/em>, is probably the most\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014raw?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014transparent of any of the books you\u2019ve written. This was kind of a journey to be able to say, \u201cOkay, I\u2019m going to be transparent with my readers\/with people,\u201d because there is healing that comes when you open that door. As scary as that is, there\u2019s healing on the other side; isn\u2019t there?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>There is. You know, it took some time. I think, as my dear friend, Brennan Manning, who\u2019s no longer with us, said\u2014and he\u2019s known for telling people the truth about his life\u2014but he also said, \u201cI tell people as much truth as I want to.\u201d As I heard that from him, I began to think, \u201cWhat\u2019s the truth I\u2019m not telling?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>You started\u2014let\u2019s go back to middle school; you were a high-performer\/high-achiever\u2014I mean, you had a public persona that you were trying to live up to, even when you knew about the junk in your own heart. You thought, \u201cI just have to keep all of that hidden and be this person everybody expects me to be.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, I thought it was interesting, Sharon, because you start your book by stating: \u201cI don\u2019t know how my life became all about me, but it did.\u201d That\u2019s what you\u2019re referring to, Bob. Back in your early years, that\u2019s what you were referring to; what do you mean by that?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>I <em>love<\/em> that both of you have started at the beginning, because our stories <em>do<\/em> tell us who we are. That\u2019s why, as a therapist, I\u2019m very interested in people\u2019s stories.<\/p>\n<p>I learned\u2014and I\u2019m not placing the blame for this for anyone\u2014but I learned, early on, that looking good made things better. I mean, if you have middle schoolers out there, you know that! Looking good is what it\u2019s all about. Sometimes looking good in the church is what it\u2019s all about. But we don\u2019t need to blame the church, because that is our <em>world<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>I felt, in this conflict\/like from the very beginning, that\u2014as Romans, Chapters 6 and 7 says\u2014\u201cThe things I want to do I can\u2019t figure out a way to do them; and the things that I <em>don\u2019t<\/em> want to do, that\u2019s what I find myself doing.\u201d So the message, from early on, was: \u201cTry harder,\u201d \u201cDo better,\u201d and \u201cLook good.\u201d When you are <em>caught<\/em> in that <em>terrible<\/em> trap of\u2014\u201cI need to be more,\u201d \u201cI need to do better, but I <em>can\u2019t<\/em>,\u201d\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>What did that look like, specifically, as you were growing up?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>I think I questioned my faith in middle school. I remember a story of being at a Josh McDowell conference\u2014which those who are listening, who are old like me, remember that [Laughter]\u2014and thinking, \u201cI don\u2019t belong here.\u201d It is the sense of: \u201cWhere do I belong? I don\u2019t belong in the church; because I question things; and I do things that, if anyone knew, they\u2019d kick me out.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Yet, this feeling that, \u201cI want to belong to something that is more than me,\u201d which we have certainly seen in our culture in these days. People want to belong to a cause, an idea, a movement that is more than just ourselves. Being caught in that conflict left me feeling like: \u201cI\u2019m not enough,\u201d \u201cI can\u2019t do it right,\u201d \u201cNo matter how hard I try, I\u2019m going to fail.\u201d So\u2014and this is the deadly part of my story\u2014and I wonder if people out there could identify with this.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>Is that where the title, <em>Belonging<\/em>\u2014I mean, that is a word, when you hear it, it\u2019s emotional\u2014is that where it came from?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>It is. The belief that, to belong, I have to keep things secret.<\/p>\n<p>As I say in the book, it didn\u2019t take me too long into my early adult life to figure out: \u201cWe don\u2019t carry our secrets; they carry us.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>Oh, talk about that. What do you mean?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>Well, I think that we believe: \u201cIf I don\u2019t tell anyone about this\u2026\u201d \u201cIf I don\u2019t express this doubt\u2026\u201d \u201cIf no one knows about this behavior\u2026\u201d\u2014and certainly part of my story that I am very open to talk about is being an alcoholic and being in recovery: two steps forward; three steps back for 30 years\u2014that the parts we keep <em>secret<\/em> carry us into shame, guilt, despair, feeling like a fraud, not being able to <em>connect<\/em> with other people. We don\u2019t feel like we belong, because we\u2019re not our true self.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>You know, I went on vacation, as a seven-year-old, with my family; it was one of those <em>great<\/em> trips that I can remember. But as you were talking, this flashback in my mind, Sharon, that I can remember having had some sexual abuse happen before this trip; but on this trip, we had vacationed with families that we had never been with. That <em>same<\/em> abuse happened with an older teenage boy. I never forgot that trip; because it was after that time that it started in my head, this thought, \u201cSomething must be wrong with <em>me<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Before, I thought, \u201cMaybe this is just <em>they\u2019re<\/em> messed up.\u201d But that was the day it solidified in my mind: \u201cIt\u2019s <em>me<\/em>; something\u2019s wrong with <em>me<\/em>.\u201d I had that sense that I <em>didn\u2019t<\/em> belong\/that there must be something wrong with me; and I\u2019m over here by myself, when all the world is right, but I\u2019m not.<\/p>\n<p>There\u2019s a tragedy in that\u2014for so many of us that have that sense\u2014\u201cI don\u2019t belong.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>You had that as a child; you share about it in your book.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>I do. There are many stories in this book that I have never told until this book; because, as you\u2019re saying, Ann\u2014as children especially\u2014when we have tragedy or betrayal happen in our lives, we believe, \u201cIt\u2019s my fault.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>And we tuck it away.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>So as we begin to tell the truth about our lives\u2014now, I don\u2019t want to make this all rainbows and happiness\u2014because telling the truth about our lives is <em>scary<\/em>. We will be judged by some people.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>You\u2019ll lose friends.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>You\u2019ve lost friends.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>I have; and yet, at the same time, I know there is something about telling the truth about my life. The book, <em>Belonging<\/em>, begins with telling about a DUI I got 15 years ago, and something I still feel shame about as I talk about it today. Yet, what I <em>know<\/em> is that those people, who judge me, maybe have not had experience with the situation; or maybe they\u2019re scared of something in their own lives.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>Sharon, take us back to that; like what happened?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>You know\u2014whether you\u2019re seven and you carry a secret for a long time\u2014I was carrying this secret that I was addicted to alcohol. As a Christian\u2014and I was a Christian; I loved God, and I wanted to serve Him\u2014but that did not negate this biological reality that was going on in my life.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Did that start in high school for you?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>No, it started in my early 20s.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>Let me be the therapist for a second, please! You have a secret that\u2019s alcoholism; but in any kind of addiction, we\u2019re <em>escaping<\/em> something else. Had you dealt with what you were escaping from?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>No; such a great question! Because we are tempted, when someone in our lives is doing selfish, unthinkable behavior\u2014and that\u2019s what alcoholism is\u2014our temptation is to say: \u201cWhat are you doing?!\u201d \u201c<em>How<\/em> can you do this?!\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u201cStop!\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>Yes! Instead of asking, as you just did, Ann, \u201cWhat\u2019s the <em>pain<\/em> behind that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>What was the pain that opened the door to alcohol for you?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>It was anxiety. That anxiety is fueled\u2014there can be chemical realities\u2014but for me, I think it was fueled by this performance energy that: \u201cI have to look good,\u201d \u201cI have to do more,\u201d \u201cI have got to rise above the questions, doubts, pain in my life.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>As a 21-year-old, I discovered alcohol, which numbed the pain, took away the questions, made me <em>feel<\/em>\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014gave you courage.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>\u2014at home in my own skin.<\/p>\n<p>It wasn\u2019t a problem until it became a problem. As I have said often: \u201cAlcohol makes everything <em>better<\/em>, until it makes everything <em>worse<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>At that time of my life, when I got a DUI, my marriage was falling apart. All of my strategies to <em>prove<\/em> that I was a <em>good<\/em> Christian\u2014which, if you just hear that sentence, it negates the <em>gospel<\/em>\u2014but it\u2019s what I believed. All my strategies were falling apart.<\/p>\n<p>At that time, the liquor stores were closed in Colorado on Sundays. I went to a restaurant and started to order drinks to numb me to [myself]. My life had become all about me, and that\u2019s hard to admit; because we see in our culture, people\u2014who are celebrities or political figures\u2014who we can easily say, \u201cOh, their life are all about them.\u201d But <em>most<\/em> of us think about: \u201cWhat makes <em>me<\/em> look better?\u201d \u201cWhat makes <em>me<\/em> look successful?\u201d \u201cWhat do <em>I<\/em> want?\u201d \u201cWhat makes <em>me<\/em> feel good?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>As I was driving home from that restaurant, the most terrible thing I could imagine happened. I saw the flashing lights of the police car behind me. I thought, \u201cOkay; the gig is up. I cannot outperform the pain, and doubt, and questions in my life.\u201d Certainly, that came home to me when they took me to a detox facility and said, \u201cOkay, you can leave; call someone.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I thought, \u201cWho would I call? Who could I tell the truth about <em>me<\/em> to anyone?\u201d That opened the door to a journey that I did not expect. I mean, I was not 20 years old.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>I was 40 years old.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>And you had kids that were in your house still.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>\u2014that were teenagers.<\/p>\n<p>To begin to rethink what it looks like to live a life of faith\u2014not in <em>me<\/em> but in Someone who is far <em>more<\/em> than me\u2014it sounds good, but it\u2019s <em>not<\/em> easy.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>So was that the worst night of your life, or do you look back and say it actually was a turning point?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>It was a turning point. It was not the worst night of my life; I <em>thought<\/em> it was at that point, Dave.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>It really opened the door for me to think, \u201cDo I believe I am loved by God, not for what I do or don\u2019t do, but because of who God <em>is<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>It reminds me of a quote\u2014it\u2019s a friend of mine who said this\u2014\u201cAll of our hatred or lack of self-esteem is denying everything that God wanted you to be and choosing to see yourself as the enemy wants you to be seen. This is actually a form of pride; in that, pride is not necessarily thinking a lot of yourself, but it\u2019s thinking of yourself <em>a lot<\/em>. You\u2019re believing yourself more than you\u2019re believing God.\u201d Does that resonate with what you\u2019re saying?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sharon: <\/strong>It <em>does<\/em> resonate; and yet, for <em>most<\/em> of us, it\u2019s counterintuitive. We think the life of faith is <em>proving<\/em> ourselves; I certainly believed it was <em>protecting<\/em> myself.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>I talked about this subject in one of the chapters in the book, <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em>, because 1 Corinthians 13 says, \u201cLove rejoices in the truth.\u201d In marriage, I think we all have this tendency to want to only show to one another\u2014in marriage, where we\u2019re supposed to be naked and unashamed, where we\u2019re supposed to be transparent\/be one with one another\u2014it\u2019s still kind of like, \u201cIf you <em>really<\/em> knew this about me, you would run. You would not want to be here; you would say, \u2018I\u2019ve made a mistake\u2019; you\u2019d look for an out as quickly as you could.\u201d So we keep a manicured performance.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u2014even in our own home.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>It\u2019s <em>sad<\/em>; isn\u2019t it?\u2014because it\u2019s the place where, hopefully, we are <em>received<\/em> with all of our flaws, and all of our frailty, and all of our failures.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think part of the reason we are afraid to be honest is because we\u2019ve seen other people be honest, and we\u2019ve seen them be punished for their honesty. We\u2019ve seen them bear the reproach of others, who have said, \u201cOh, that\u2019s you?\u201d \u2014and they\u2019ve been shunned; they\u2019ve been outcast\u2014we go, \u201cWell, I\u2019m not doing <em>that<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>Well, I mean, I\u2019m thinking, Sharon, if you walked into church a day or two after you got pulled over for a DUI: \u201cWhat are people going to think?\u201d It should be the place, where they go, \u201cWe\u2019re here to help\u201d; but it\u2019s the place, often, of judgment.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>I think, too, Sharon, what you said is: \u201cWho would I call?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I think we all have to decide that: \u201cDo I have someone that I can let them see all of me?\u201d I think that\u2019s a really important question\u2014whether you\u2019re married\/whether you\u2019re single\u2014that we all have to have someone besides God; because God\u2019s the first One to be honest with, I would say; but also someone else, to say: \u201cThis is who I am,\u201d and \u201cI\u2019m really struggling.\u201d Do we have that person?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u201cDo I belong?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Here\u2019s I think the other thing I \u2018ve recognized in all of this\u2014because some of us can be pretty good performers\u2014and we can go, \u201cI can hold it together. I don\u2019t know what happened to Sharon. She got sided, but I can hold it all together.\u201d What that breeds is self-righteousness and judgmental-ism. You become one of these people: \u201cWhy can\u2019t you hold it all together? Why can\u2019t you be good like <em>me<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Either one\u2014you go back to Luke 15, the story of the prodigal son?\u2014there are two messed-up people in that parable.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>They both missed the gospel.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s right! There\u2019s the prodigal, who lived out in the world; and there\u2019s the self-righteous older brother, who said, \u201cWhy can\u2019t you be perfect like me?\u201d Both of them needed forgiveness, and hope, and restoration. That\u2019s why the father comes to the self-righteous older brother and says, \u201cAren\u2019t you coming to the party?\u201d He [older brother] said, \u201cHow come I don\u2019t get a party? I\u2019ve been perfect!\u201d The father says, \u201cYou\u2019re welcome in if you\u2019ll\u2026\u201d\u2014\u201cBlessed are the poor in spirit; they\u2019re the ones who see God.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>This is really where you take us in your book, <em>Belonging<\/em>, which we have available in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. The subtitle is <em>Finding the Way Back to One Another<\/em>. I just think about the marriages, where transparency needs to be a part of the relationship\u2014all of our relationships\u2014being more open and honest with one another. This is at the heart of Sharon\u2019s book. Again, you can order the book from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to get a copy of Sharon Hersh\u2019s book, <em>Belonging<\/em>. The website, again: FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to order: 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I also want to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d to those of you who are regular listeners to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, and those of you who, from time to time, will get in touch with us and say: \u201cWe are grateful for how God is using this ministry in our life, in our community, in our world. Thank you for the ongoing work of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. We want to support what you\u2019re doing with a donation.\u201d Those donations are the lifeblood of this ministry. You make it possible for us to be here every day for us to reach more people, more often, all around the world. There are hundreds of thousands of people being impacted today by a conversation like this because of investments, listeners like you, have made in this ministry.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re able to help today with a donation in support of this ministry, we\u2019d love to send you, as a thank-you gift, a copy of a book we talked about earlier this week\/a book called <em>Toxic Sons- and Daughters-in-Law<\/em> by Doyle Roth. That book looks at how we should interact with our sons- or daughters-in-law if there has been some kind of disruption in our family unity as a result of them being grafted in. Again, the book is our thank-you gift to you when you donate to support this ministry. You can donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Now, tomorrow, we want to talk more with Sharon Hersh about the courage to be honest about who we really are and what we do when that honesty invites scorn or ridicule. How do we handle that? We\u2019ll have that conversation tomorrow. I hope you can tune in for that.<\/p>\n<p>I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch. We got some special help from Bruce Goff; and of course, our entire broadcast production team was a part of shaping this program. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. 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