{"id":306773,"date":"2021-03-16T07:00:04","date_gmt":"2021-03-16T11:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/praying-for-untangling\/"},"modified":"2021-03-16T07:00:04","modified_gmt":"2021-03-16T11:00:04","slug":"praying-for-untangling","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/praying-for-untangling\/","title":{"rendered":"Praying for Untangling"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What does it look like for parents to wait on the Lord when they see toxic tendencies in their child&#8217;s spouse? Doyle Roth talks about preserving relationships as you navigate difficult patterns of behavior.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-03-16.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:25:49","filesize":"23.64M","filesize_raw":"24792310","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2856,10380],"tags":[6806],"podcast_series":[8432],"cwp_profile":[8905],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306773","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-adult-children","category-in-laws-and-others","tag-toxic-people","podcast_series-toxic-sons-and-daughters-in-law","cwp_profile-doyle-roth","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306773\/praying-for-untangling","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306773\/praying-for-untangling","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"lgFlruK6BY\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/praying-for-untangling\/\">Praying for Untangling<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/praying-for-untangling\/embed\/#?secret=lgFlruK6BY\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Praying for Untangling&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"lgFlruK6BY\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-03-16.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-03-16.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Some parents have experienced the disruptive impact that a new son-in-law or daughter-in-law can have on an extended family relationship. Doyle Roth says that impact should not be discounted or minimized.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> What happens with this toxic person that, now, is affecting the entire family with their negative energy? You know, you have someone, who is like this, come into the family dining room; and they suck all of the positive oxygen out of the room in about three seconds. The question becomes: \u201cWhat do we do when we\u2019re in a situation like <em>that<\/em>?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday March 16<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. What can we do, or what should we do, as parents, if our son or daughter has married someone who is toxic\/is disrupting the family dynamic? We\u2019ll talk more about that with Doyle Roth today. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I came home from elementary school one day\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And you can remember this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, this is one of those days you remember. It was a Tuesday afternoon; I dropped my books on the kitchen counter. I said, \u201cHi,\u201d to my mom; she said, \u201cWell, your sister got married today.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Whoa!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So that\u2019s one of those things that kind of gets your attention.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014like she eloped?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> My oldest sister had been seeing a guy, [whom] my parents did not approve of. He had asked for their blessing. They had said, \u201cWe can\u2019t give it to you right now,\u201d because he was unemployed; hadn\u2019t been to college. I mean, they were just looking at the pragmatic reality of: \u201cYour love is not going to sustain you when the bills come, and we\u2019d like to see a little more diligence\u201d; so they had said, \u201cNo, we can\u2019t give our blessing right now.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd my sister and her boyfriend went to somebody at the church and said, \u201cWill you marry us?\u201d And that person said, \u201cYes,\u201d knowing that Mom and Dad did not approve. I would go back to that person at the church and say\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Wow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cHang on\u201d; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That was the beginning of what was a tumultuous relationship. What my parents saw, I think, were probably some\u2014I don\u2019t want to say they were just superficial flaws that they saw, because I don\u2019t know any deeper than: \u201cWhat kind of job does he have? What kind of future does he have?\u201d\u2014I don\u2019t know what <em>character<\/em> issues they might have been concerned about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re talking about those hard situations that moms and dads face, when you look at your kids, [whom] you love, and you see them making choices about marriage\/about relationships; and there are yellow flags or red flags flying. Maybe you see them early; maybe you don\u2019t see them until after the \u201cI do,\u201ds are over. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> One of those mistakes is sitting right beside you: me! Her dad\/Ann\u2019s dad\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014barred me from dating his daughter.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Really?! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> He said, \u201cYou will not date my daughter\u201d; and he told Ann, \u201cYou will not date Dave Wilson.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> He said, \u201cI like Dave Wilson as an athlete.\u201d [Laughter] My dad was a coach. He said, \u201cBut I don\u2019t like his reputation as a guy to date my daughter, so you will <em>not<\/em> be dating him. He\u2019s going to be a senior in college; you\u2019re going to be a freshman in college. He\u2019s at a marrying age, so I\u2019m not going to let this take place.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And did you say, \u201cOkay, Daddy\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I said, \u201cDad! He has a <em>new<\/em> reputation! He has given his life to Jesus; he\u2019s like a new person! You wouldn\u2019t even recognize him.\u201d And he said, \u201cWell, we\u2019ll see about that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; he came around.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014and here we are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> He did come around.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> He ended up asking the coach of the football team\/he said, \u201cWhat do you think of Dave Wilson? Would you let your daughter date him?\u201d And he said, \u201cAbsolutely!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, he was a good coach. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And he made $50, saying that to your dad. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, we\u2019ve got a friend joining us this week to talk about how we navigate these difficult waters. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> <em>This <\/em>is a great topic!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It sure is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It really is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Doyle Roth is with us on <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>Doyle, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Thank you so very much.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Doyle is a rancher; he\u2019s an entrepreneur. He lives on the Front Range in Colorado. He\u2019s been with us on <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>before. He\u2019s written a new book called <em>Toxic Sons- and Daughters-in-Law: Untangling Difficult Relationships. <\/em>We\u2019ve already talked about the fact that you were that difficult son-in-law when you married Nancy\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t55 years ago?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> \u201457.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201457 years ago. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is a subject that, I know, you stepped into with a little bit of fear and trembling, but you\u2019ve been doing counseling with couples for decades now.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> These themes have been showing up over and over again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Yes, they have; it\u2019s showing up more and more. I think some of the reasons for that are that families are breaking up more. When you think in terms of the divorce rates\u2014both in Christian and non-Christian circles\u2014those kids, who are growing up there, don\u2019t have a really good understanding about what marriage is going to look like. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere could be a lot of issues in those families. I think they bring a lot of this baggage into the relationship with their wives or husbands, as the case may be; and certainly, bring it in for moms- and dads-in-law; and they have to deal with this. They come with a lot of emotional anger\/frustration with their previous parenting. It seems like, to me, there\u2019s a lot of that that just transfers over into the marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And we should not minimize the fact that most of them are coming into the marriage after having become sexually active with one another\/\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Absolutely; no, that\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014maybe with a history of sexual activity in their life. There\u2019s no way to overestimate the significance of <em>that<\/em> kind of baggage coming into a marriage and what that can do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> That\u2019s right; and I do a lot of premarital counseling as, Dave, you and Ann do. I see, in Christian young couples, a lot of that sexual activity that lays a bad foundation for them to grow in.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> I see a lot of Christian young couples, where one of them is new in the Lord, because families put a lot of pressure: \u201cYou can\u2019t marry this person, because they\u2019re unsaved\u201d; and all of a sudden, they make a profession\u2014and then deny that profession just, literally, months\u2014I had one, about six months after the marriage, said, \u201cI didn\u2019t believe any of that stuff anyway!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s reason for us, as parents, to be very concerned\/careful about these matters. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Doyle, I got hit with a question at one of our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaways. We had just done a session for the pre-married couples in the room. This couple came up to me; and they said, \u201cWe\u2019ve got a dilemma. Both of us are believers. My parents\u201d\u2014this is the wife saying her parents were not believers; her parents had said to her\u2014\u201cIf you marry him, we will cut you out of the family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Ohhh.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cYou\u2019re not welcome for Christmas. We won\u2019t be there when the babies are born. You\u2019re making a choice; it\u2019s either our family, or it\u2019s him.\u201d They said, \u201cWhat do we do?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ll tell you what I told them, but let\u2019s put you in that room with that couple coming up to you. How would you have counseled them?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Well, that\u2019s manipulation and control on the parents\u2019 part. I would never do that; I think that was putting themselves in the wrong place. Their God is awfully small. God is bigger than that, and they have to understand that as parents. God may be doing something in my kids\u2019 lives that I\u2019m not really understanding right now. Parents do get very controlling\/manipulative\u2014things like that\u2014that\u2019s where the problems come later on, with in-laws.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And yet, you know, control is often out of fear\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014because we\u2019re afraid\u2014so you know, we try to take care of that by control. They\u2019re still afraid; you\u2019re saying, \u201cDon\u2019t control.\u201d What can they do?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Well, they can pray. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> They can pray. They\u2019ve got to have a big God. I mean, our God is large and in charge; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> And as soon as He gets <em>small<\/em>, and <em>we<\/em> get big\u2014because we\u2019re putting these limits and these boundaries on things\u2014we\u2019re in the wrong place spiritually. We\u2019ve got a great big God, and I\u2019d rather trust Him than trust my own judgment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; I just looked at that couple, and I said, \u201cFirst of all, you need to ask yourself the question: \u2018Is there something that even my unbelieving parents are seeing about this relationship that we\u2019re blind to?\u2019 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cBecause it\u2019s possible that your parents, who love you and know you, may see something here. You\u2019ve got to pull back and say, \u2018Is there <em>anything<\/em> that gives us pause about our relationship with one another?\u2019\u201d Then I said, \u201cYou have to count the very real cost. You have to imagine it\u2019s five years from now, and you\u2019ve just had your baby; and you can\u2019t call and say, \u2018It\u2019s a boy!\u2019 because they won\u2019t take the call. You have to calculate that in.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said, \u201cNow, the reality is: it may be that your parents are being controlling and manipulative,\u201d\u2014just like Doyle said\u2014\u201cbut that\u2019s a cost you have to count, because you\u2019re making a choice today with the possibility that it\u2019s not going to get any better than this. Are you ready to cut yourself off from your legacy?\u201d That\u2019s a painful decision to make.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI had a chance\u2014you know, this was\/you\u2019ve got five minutes to have these conversations\u2014you wanted to know: \u201cHave they been this way about other relationships you\u2019ve had?\u201d or \u201cWhat are the concerns that they\u2019ve seen or that they\u2019ve expressed?\u201d \u201cHow have you tried to talk to them about it?\u201d\u2014you want all of those types of diagnostics. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI wanted this couple to know: \u201cIf this is what you believe God is calling you to in marriage, there may be a cost to it. You\u2019ve got to follow God and be obedient to that, but count the cost before you do.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I think a lot of couples, especially if we\u2019re talking before marriage\u2014if they hear somebody\/maybe a parent or somebody offer caution\u2014what do they think? They think what we all think: \u201cOh! Well, I see a little bit of that, too; but I\u2019ll change him.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> You\u2019re right; you\u2019re right, Dave.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You know: \u201cIt\u2019s just a little; it\u2019s not that big. I\u2019ll change him once we get married.\u201d Talk about that: Does that happen? Do they change?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Oh, absolutely, no! [Laughter] No, change comes very hard, period.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNo; I think that is something that couples often explain to their parents: \u201cWhy we want to move ahead with this.\u201d He\u2019s just recently\u2014or she\u2019s just recently\u2014become a believer: \u201cYes, he\u2019s got a little bit of a drinking problem; but when we get married, it will be different,\u201d or \u201cHe\u2019s on this particular drug or something; it\u2019s going to be different,\u201d \u201cNo, he only does a little bit of pornography; and that will all end when we\u2019re finally married.\u201d All of those things are excuses, and they\u2019re inviting all sorts of troubles into their lives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And they say things like: \u201cYes, but he\u2019s <em>promised <\/em>me,\u201d \u201cHe has made a vow to me.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And one thing we always try to help pre-married couples\u2014and this is true for married as well\u2014is a person\u2019s <em>past<\/em> is more important than their promise; it really is. You think, \u201cOh, the past is there; but he\u2019s made a promise.\u201d Again, promises are important\/vows are significant; but you can\u2019t underestimate. If there\u2019s a past, look at it!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014with a <em>pattern<\/em>\/if you see a pattern.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019ve said to young women, \u201cPay careful attention to how your boyfriend treats his mother; because someday, he will treat you the same way he treats his mother. If he\u2019s kind to her, and helps her out, and supports her, he\u2019ll do that with you; but if he\u2019s like: \u2018Oh, Mom! Leave me alone. Why do you have to\u2026\u2019 he\u2019s going to be that way with you.\u201d Don\u2019t you think that\u2019s true?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, definitely true.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Sure; sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> But what happens when he turns against <em>them<\/em> and starts limiting <em>their<\/em> involvement with kids? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> What happens with this toxic person that now is affecting the entire family with their negative energy? You know, you have someone, [who] is like this, come into the family dining room; and they suck all of the positive oxygen out of the room in about three seconds. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes! The whole dynamic of the family is <em>changed<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> \u2014the whole dynamic of the family. The question becomes: \u201cWhat do we do when we\u2019re in a situation like <em>that<\/em>?\u201d That\u2019s what\u2019s hard. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, there are <em>tons<\/em> of books written on whether a mother and father should do this or that; there are enough to fill a landfill with those things. [Laughter] There are so many books like that. Mothers and fathers play an incredible role\u2014that is true\u2014but they can become legalistic. Through fear and intimidation, they can control their kids; and that\u2019s part of their parenting model. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut when this child actually is in my family, acting like that, what do I do when he comes in and the siblings detest him?\u2014the siblings don\u2019t care for him?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014or the siblings don\u2019t want to be there with that person there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> They don\u2019t want to be around him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, what do you tell those families?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> No, that\u2019s where this book lives\u2014is trying to get the family together\u2014to encourage the siblings to try out: \u201cDave, smile; keep your mouth shut, and pray.\u201d [Laughter] \u201cBecause the more you speak, the worse this is going to get.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; you said you wrote this book for those parents, who are facing these kinds of situations, to coach them on how they can be like Jesus in these situations and how they can go against what may be their fleshly impulses: to want to control, or to manipulate, or to engineer, or to fix everything. That\u2019s a difficult place; and yet, you go back to Genesis 2:24, where all of this gets started. The first thing the Bible says about marriage is: \u201cA man shall\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> \u2014 \u201cleave\u2026\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cleave his father and mother.\u201d This is something we talk about at our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways. I had a counselor tell me one time that he thought you could trace 90 percent of marriage problems back to a failure to leave on the part of the son or the daughter\/that some emotional, or financial, or some kind of a mystical tie to that family of origin was undermining and sabotaging this new marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve watched that and seen how family history is so significant in influencing what the dynamic of a new marriage relationship is. You\u2019ve seen that; haven\u2019t you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Oh, absolutely; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And to your point about what the past has been is more significant than what the promise is\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, I know when Ann and I were first married\u2014I don\u2019t know how long this went on\u2014but every time we would go see her parents\u2014[whom] I love, you know?\u2014I was the toxic guy that her dad said, \u201cDo not marry.\u201d Yet, over the years\u2014and it happened very soon in our marriage\u2014we became almost best friends. He did see: \u201cChrist has literally changed this young man\u2019s life, and he\u2019s somebody I want in my family.\u201d He became my dad. You know, I never had a dad; and he became very close. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut this \u201cleave\u201d part was really easy for me, because I came from a broken family with no dad and alcoholic parents: \u201cI\u2019m out of here!\u201d You know, I love them; but\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cI can\u2019t wait to start a new life!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was not so easy for <em>her<\/em>, because Ann came from a <em>wonderful<\/em> family. We would go visit that family; her brothers are great! It\u2019s just wonderful. We would get in the car to drive home, and we fought 15 hours.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> <em>Every single time<\/em> we would be with my parents\u2014and it wasn\u2019t that often, because we didn\u2019t live in the same hometown\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014we would come back, and I was <em>mortified<\/em> over how Dave treated my parents. I would say things like: \u201cWhy did you do this?\u201d and \u201cWhy do you have to up my brothers all the time?\u201d It would be a fight every time!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I mean, I got to the point, where I didn\u2019t want to see them\u2014even though I loved them\u2014because of the drive home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s what I felt: \u201cShe hasn\u2019t left; they\u2019re still more important to her than I am.\u201d I was probably jealous of her relationship with them; and so I kept saying, \u201cYou haven\u2019t left them.\u201d It\u2019s what Bob said\u2014it was a real thing in our marriage\u2014that: \u201cI\u2019m your number-one priority now, not your mom and dad and your brothers.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And I was like, \u201cYou <em>are <\/em>my number-one priority, but why do you have to <em>act<\/em> like that when you\u2019re with them?\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> The question is, you know, as a parent\u2014or even as the son- or daughter-in-law\u2014\u201cHow do you truly leave and cleave?\u201d This is the question of the <em>century<\/em>, out of Genesis 2.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Well, I think that is an emotional thing that you have to decide, just like you said, Ann: \u201cYou are first, but that doesn\u2019t excuse the behavior that you\u2019re demonstrating to my mom and dad.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> <em>Thank you!! Yes<\/em>!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> \u201cAnd you\u2019re being a knucklehead if you\u2019re going to treat them that way. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Doyle is now Ann\u2019s new best friend!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> \u201cSo back off.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I like Doyle.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> This conversation is over. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> No, but you make a great point. I think that jealousy is one of the big factors in families that are successful like yours, Ann, where people wish they had a family like that. The husband is reacting to them\u2014trying to pull them away from there\u2014because he\u2019s insecure, Dave. That makes the transition for \u201cleave and cleave\u201d even more difficult; because he\u2019s trying to <em>pull<\/em> rather than just invite, and it happens normally.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Did you do that, Doyle, with your wife, Nancy?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Yes; I didn\u2019t have a leave-and-cleave issue.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> And I didn\u2019t have a jealousy issue with her and her family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> I was just a knucklehead like Dave. [Laughter] I just wanted my way! I was a self-righteous, self-centered young man; and that was probably more insecurity, Ann, than anything.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> That just created an <em>awful<\/em> thing for my poor mother- and father-in-law. It was terrible!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You know, for Mary Ann and me, we would drive home from early visits to my folks; and Mary Ann would say, \u201cYou\u2019re different when we\u2019re with your parents.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This was not with her parents, but with my parents. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, with <em>your<\/em> parents!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; what she was pointing out was: when I would go back home, I would start to act like I had acted, growing up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019m falling into patterns. I\u2019m back in the house; I\u2019m back to acting like I\u2019m their son rather than acting like I\u2019m her husband. When I\u2019m away from my parents\u2014when I\u2019m with her\u2014I\u2019m her husband. That\u2019s the dynamic: I would go back home, and I\u2019d start to be their son again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI didn\u2019t have any emotional problem leaving my parents; but there are still strings, and ties, and patterns, and habits that we don\u2019t even know are there\u2014because I would say, \u201cI\u2019m no different!\u201d\u2014and she would go, \u201cYes, you are. You act this way, and you do that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI started to see that: \u201cYes, this is just ingrained in me; it\u2019s subconscious.\u201d I didn\u2019t know I was doing it; but when she brought it to the surface, I could see it. I could recognize: \u201cWhen I go home, I\u2019m not going home as their son anymore. I still respect them and honor them,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s appropriate for me to do\u2014\u201cbut I\u2019m now her husband, and that\u2019s the priority relationship.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> And sometimes, when they go into the home, like you\u2019re speaking, they are more comfortable in that environment: they play with their siblings; they go out and shoot baskets; and in essence, they ignore their wives; right?\u2014they ignore them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Our daughters-in-law complain about their husbands: \u201cThey come back, and they\u2019re playing video games again,\u201d\u2014ignoring the wives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> \u2014ignoring their wives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> They\u2019re being brothers again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Sure, they\u2019re being brothers; you\u2019re right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> They\u2019re being brothers again; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> One of the things you say in your book\u2014which I thought was so good\u2014you talk about a time for prayer for parents\/for the parents of these in-laws. You say, \u201cJust like going slow, while breaking a horse,\u201d\u2014I don\u2019t read that every day in a book; I like this!\u2014\u201cit\u2019s the same with sons- and daughters-in-law. You must move patiently, slowly, and respectfully; or the job will be increasingly more difficult.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is when you get into saying: \u201cOne, pray for Christ-like response to your feelings and emotions. Two, pray for a positive attitude. Three, pray for patience. Four, pray for protection. Five, pray for heart change. Six, pray for strength to trust God.\u201d Those are good practical steps that we can take. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think we get so fearful of losing our kids\/\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Oh, right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014of losing our grandkids\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014that we kind of take things out of perspective.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> And we disconnect from our spiritual convictions. We\u2019re Christian people; we\u2019re people who really trust the Lord. We <em>do <\/em>pray. God is bigger than our events; He\u2019s the One who controls all those things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe leave prayer out of these things; and we turn into, sort of spiritual monsters, in a way. We get angry; we get frustrated; our God gets smaller, and we get bigger. It just doesn\u2019t work like that when you\u2019re in a situation with a very difficult son- or daughter-in-law; it just doesn\u2019t work.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s what you say in the book: \u201cIt isn\u2019t: \u2018Pray one day.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s: \u201cPray patiently; it\u2019s going to take a long time.\u201d I mean, your story is your in-laws gave you grace. My story is Ann\u2019s parents loved me\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014gave me grace\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014for years\/for years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, I was going to say: \u201cI didn\u2019t change in a year; it was close to a <em>decade<\/em>, probably.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Maybe Ann would say two decades. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But you know, I was still sort of a jerk when I would get around them. I think, at the heart of it, as you said earlier, I was insecure; and I was jealous. I\u2019d never had this family; and instead of relishing and cherishing it, I was feeling like it was Ann\u2019s fault. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey prayed, and they loved and gave grace. I don\u2019t remember them ever once saying, \u201cYou\u2019re being a jerk.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But I\u2019m not saying they shouldn\u2019t have said the truth sometimes, but they just patiently watched God change me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And so, I would say to the parent: \u201cDon\u2019t give up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> No, don\u2019t give up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cJust keep getting on your knees.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And they <em>never<\/em> critiqued you to me, <em>ever<\/em>. Not one time did they say something negative about Dave. Had they, at the beginning, I would have jumped on that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> That would have been hard.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You know, the enemy is always looking for a foothold.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> That\u2019s right!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And so, if they would have said something negative, I would have probably gone back and thought, \u201cYeah! He <em>does<\/em> do that!\u201d And then it could have led me to the place of: \u201cMaybe I shouldn\u2019t have married him.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And that\u2019s the thing that the enemy can do as well: if the parents have said something negative, the kids later, if they\u2019re having difficulty, they are probably thinking, \u201cMy parents were probably right; I shouldn\u2019t have married them.\u201d That can put us in a tough spot.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> That\u2019s exactly right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is where I think to have some ongoing coaching\/to have a book like the one you\u2019ve written, Doyle, is almost essential for us as parents-in-law, especially if we\u2019re facing anything challenging like this, to be able to be pointed to: \u201cThis is how you pray,\u201d and \u201cThis is what you say,\u201d and \u201cThis is what you <em>don\u2019t<\/em> say.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re making your book available this week to <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>listeners who can help with a donation to help support the ongoing work of this ministry. Doyle\u2019s book is called <em>Toxic Sons- and Daughters-in-Law: Untangling Difficult Situations. <\/em>The book is our gift to you if you can help extend the reach of FamilyLife with a donation today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYour donations go to help cover the costs of producing and syndicating\u2014making this program available in all kinds of channels\/through all kinds of outlets\u2014people are now hearing <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>as a podcast on the FamilyLife mobile app; they\u2019re listening to FamilyLife by telling Alexa<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> to play <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>; many of you are still listening on your local radio station. You make all of this possible, along with the extended work of FamilyLife, when you make a donation today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, we\u2019d love to send you a copy of Doyle Roth\u2019s book, <em>Toxic Sons- and Daughters-in-Law <\/em>as our gift when you donate. You can donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d Be sure to ask for your copy of the book, <em>Toxic Sons- and Daughters-in-Law<\/em>,by Doyle Roth when you donate to support the ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we want to dig into whether we should try to confront a son-in-law or a daughter-in-law, who is disrupting family harmony. Doyle Roth will be with us again. I hope you can be here as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer, Keith Lynch. We got some help again today from Bruce Goff. On behalf of our entire broadcast production team and our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:25:49"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["23.64M"],"filesize_raw":["24792310"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-306773.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-306773.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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does it look like for parents to wait on the Lord when they see toxic tendencies in their child's spouse? Doyle Roth talks about preserving relationships as you navigate difficult patterns of behavior.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-03-16.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Some parents have experienced the disruptive impact that a new son-in-law or daughter-in-law can have on an extended family relationship. Doyle Roth says that impact should not be discounted or minimized.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> What happens with this toxic person that, now, is affecting the entire family with their negative energy? You know, you have someone, who is like this, come into the family dining room; and they suck all of the positive oxygen out of the room in about three seconds. The question becomes: \u201cWhat do we do when we\u2019re in a situation like <em>that<\/em>?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday March 16<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. What can we do, or what should we do, as parents, if our son or daughter has married someone who is toxic\/is disrupting the family dynamic? We\u2019ll talk more about that with Doyle Roth today. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I came home from elementary school one day\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And you can remember this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, this is one of those days you remember. It was a Tuesday afternoon; I dropped my books on the kitchen counter. I said, \u201cHi,\u201d to my mom; she said, \u201cWell, your sister got married today.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Whoa!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So that\u2019s one of those things that kind of gets your attention.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014like she eloped?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> My oldest sister had been seeing a guy, [whom] my parents did not approve of. He had asked for their blessing. They had said, \u201cWe can\u2019t give it to you right now,\u201d because he was unemployed; hadn\u2019t been to college. I mean, they were just looking at the pragmatic reality of: \u201cYour love is not going to sustain you when the bills come, and we\u2019d like to see a little more diligence\u201d; so they had said, \u201cNo, we can\u2019t give our blessing right now.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd my sister and her boyfriend went to somebody at the church and said, \u201cWill you marry us?\u201d And that person said, \u201cYes,\u201d knowing that Mom and Dad did not approve. I would go back to that person at the church and say\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Wow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cHang on\u201d; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That was the beginning of what was a tumultuous relationship. What my parents saw, I think, were probably some\u2014I don\u2019t want to say they were just superficial flaws that they saw, because I don\u2019t know any deeper than: \u201cWhat kind of job does he have? What kind of future does he have?\u201d\u2014I don\u2019t know what <em>character<\/em> issues they might have been concerned about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re talking about those hard situations that moms and dads face, when you look at your kids, [whom] you love, and you see them making choices about marriage\/about relationships; and there are yellow flags or red flags flying. Maybe you see them early; maybe you don\u2019t see them until after the \u201cI do,\u201ds are over. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> One of those mistakes is sitting right beside you: me! Her dad\/Ann\u2019s dad\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014barred me from dating his daughter.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Really?! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> He said, \u201cYou will not date my daughter\u201d; and he told Ann, \u201cYou will not date Dave Wilson.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> He said, \u201cI like Dave Wilson as an athlete.\u201d [Laughter] My dad was a coach. He said, \u201cBut I don\u2019t like his reputation as a guy to date my daughter, so you will <em>not<\/em> be dating him. He\u2019s going to be a senior in college; you\u2019re going to be a freshman in college. He\u2019s at a marrying age, so I\u2019m not going to let this take place.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And did you say, \u201cOkay, Daddy\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I said, \u201cDad! He has a <em>new<\/em> reputation! He has given his life to Jesus; he\u2019s like a new person! You wouldn\u2019t even recognize him.\u201d And he said, \u201cWell, we\u2019ll see about that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; he came around.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014and here we are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> He did come around.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> He ended up asking the coach of the football team\/he said, \u201cWhat do you think of Dave Wilson? Would you let your daughter date him?\u201d And he said, \u201cAbsolutely!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, he was a good coach. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And he made $50, saying that to your dad. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, we\u2019ve got a friend joining us this week to talk about how we navigate these difficult waters. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> <em>This <\/em>is a great topic!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It sure is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It really is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Doyle Roth is with us on <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>Doyle, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Thank you so very much.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Doyle is a rancher; he\u2019s an entrepreneur. He lives on the Front Range in Colorado. He\u2019s been with us on <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>before. He\u2019s written a new book called <em>Toxic Sons- and Daughters-in-Law: Untangling Difficult Relationships. <\/em>We\u2019ve already talked about the fact that you were that difficult son-in-law when you married Nancy\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t55 years ago?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> \u201457.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201457 years ago. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is a subject that, I know, you stepped into with a little bit of fear and trembling, but you\u2019ve been doing counseling with couples for decades now.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> These themes have been showing up over and over again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Yes, they have; it\u2019s showing up more and more. I think some of the reasons for that are that families are breaking up more. When you think in terms of the divorce rates\u2014both in Christian and non-Christian circles\u2014those kids, who are growing up there, don\u2019t have a really good understanding about what marriage is going to look like. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere could be a lot of issues in those families. I think they bring a lot of this baggage into the relationship with their wives or husbands, as the case may be; and certainly, bring it in for moms- and dads-in-law; and they have to deal with this. They come with a lot of emotional anger\/frustration with their previous parenting. It seems like, to me, there\u2019s a lot of that that just transfers over into the marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And we should not minimize the fact that most of them are coming into the marriage after having become sexually active with one another\/\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Absolutely; no, that\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014maybe with a history of sexual activity in their life. There\u2019s no way to overestimate the significance of <em>that<\/em> kind of baggage coming into a marriage and what that can do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> That\u2019s right; and I do a lot of premarital counseling as, Dave, you and Ann do. I see, in Christian young couples, a lot of that sexual activity that lays a bad foundation for them to grow in.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> I see a lot of Christian young couples, where one of them is new in the Lord, because families put a lot of pressure: \u201cYou can\u2019t marry this person, because they\u2019re unsaved\u201d; and all of a sudden, they make a profession\u2014and then deny that profession just, literally, months\u2014I had one, about six months after the marriage, said, \u201cI didn\u2019t believe any of that stuff anyway!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s reason for us, as parents, to be very concerned\/careful about these matters. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Doyle, I got hit with a question at one of our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaways. We had just done a session for the pre-married couples in the room. This couple came up to me; and they said, \u201cWe\u2019ve got a dilemma. Both of us are believers. My parents\u201d\u2014this is the wife saying her parents were not believers; her parents had said to her\u2014\u201cIf you marry him, we will cut you out of the family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Ohhh.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cYou\u2019re not welcome for Christmas. We won\u2019t be there when the babies are born. You\u2019re making a choice; it\u2019s either our family, or it\u2019s him.\u201d They said, \u201cWhat do we do?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ll tell you what I told them, but let\u2019s put you in that room with that couple coming up to you. How would you have counseled them?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Well, that\u2019s manipulation and control on the parents\u2019 part. I would never do that; I think that was putting themselves in the wrong place. Their God is awfully small. God is bigger than that, and they have to understand that as parents. God may be doing something in my kids\u2019 lives that I\u2019m not really understanding right now. Parents do get very controlling\/manipulative\u2014things like that\u2014that\u2019s where the problems come later on, with in-laws.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And yet, you know, control is often out of fear\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014because we\u2019re afraid\u2014so you know, we try to take care of that by control. They\u2019re still afraid; you\u2019re saying, \u201cDon\u2019t control.\u201d What can they do?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Well, they can pray. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> They can pray. They\u2019ve got to have a big God. I mean, our God is large and in charge; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> And as soon as He gets <em>small<\/em>, and <em>we<\/em> get big\u2014because we\u2019re putting these limits and these boundaries on things\u2014we\u2019re in the wrong place spiritually. We\u2019ve got a great big God, and I\u2019d rather trust Him than trust my own judgment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; I just looked at that couple, and I said, \u201cFirst of all, you need to ask yourself the question: \u2018Is there something that even my unbelieving parents are seeing about this relationship that we\u2019re blind to?\u2019 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cBecause it\u2019s possible that your parents, who love you and know you, may see something here. You\u2019ve got to pull back and say, \u2018Is there <em>anything<\/em> that gives us pause about our relationship with one another?\u2019\u201d Then I said, \u201cYou have to count the very real cost. You have to imagine it\u2019s five years from now, and you\u2019ve just had your baby; and you can\u2019t call and say, \u2018It\u2019s a boy!\u2019 because they won\u2019t take the call. You have to calculate that in.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said, \u201cNow, the reality is: it may be that your parents are being controlling and manipulative,\u201d\u2014just like Doyle said\u2014\u201cbut that\u2019s a cost you have to count, because you\u2019re making a choice today with the possibility that it\u2019s not going to get any better than this. Are you ready to cut yourself off from your legacy?\u201d That\u2019s a painful decision to make.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI had a chance\u2014you know, this was\/you\u2019ve got five minutes to have these conversations\u2014you wanted to know: \u201cHave they been this way about other relationships you\u2019ve had?\u201d or \u201cWhat are the concerns that they\u2019ve seen or that they\u2019ve expressed?\u201d \u201cHow have you tried to talk to them about it?\u201d\u2014you want all of those types of diagnostics. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI wanted this couple to know: \u201cIf this is what you believe God is calling you to in marriage, there may be a cost to it. You\u2019ve got to follow God and be obedient to that, but count the cost before you do.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I think a lot of couples, especially if we\u2019re talking before marriage\u2014if they hear somebody\/maybe a parent or somebody offer caution\u2014what do they think? They think what we all think: \u201cOh! Well, I see a little bit of that, too; but I\u2019ll change him.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> You\u2019re right; you\u2019re right, Dave.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You know: \u201cIt\u2019s just a little; it\u2019s not that big. I\u2019ll change him once we get married.\u201d Talk about that: Does that happen? Do they change?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Oh, absolutely, no! [Laughter] No, change comes very hard, period.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNo; I think that is something that couples often explain to their parents: \u201cWhy we want to move ahead with this.\u201d He\u2019s just recently\u2014or she\u2019s just recently\u2014become a believer: \u201cYes, he\u2019s got a little bit of a drinking problem; but when we get married, it will be different,\u201d or \u201cHe\u2019s on this particular drug or something; it\u2019s going to be different,\u201d \u201cNo, he only does a little bit of pornography; and that will all end when we\u2019re finally married.\u201d All of those things are excuses, and they\u2019re inviting all sorts of troubles into their lives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And they say things like: \u201cYes, but he\u2019s <em>promised <\/em>me,\u201d \u201cHe has made a vow to me.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And one thing we always try to help pre-married couples\u2014and this is true for married as well\u2014is a person\u2019s <em>past<\/em> is more important than their promise; it really is. You think, \u201cOh, the past is there; but he\u2019s made a promise.\u201d Again, promises are important\/vows are significant; but you can\u2019t underestimate. If there\u2019s a past, look at it!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014with a <em>pattern<\/em>\/if you see a pattern.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019ve said to young women, \u201cPay careful attention to how your boyfriend treats his mother; because someday, he will treat you the same way he treats his mother. If he\u2019s kind to her, and helps her out, and supports her, he\u2019ll do that with you; but if he\u2019s like: \u2018Oh, Mom! Leave me alone. Why do you have to\u2026\u2019 he\u2019s going to be that way with you.\u201d Don\u2019t you think that\u2019s true?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, definitely true.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Sure; sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> But what happens when he turns against <em>them<\/em> and starts limiting <em>their<\/em> involvement with kids? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> What happens with this toxic person that now is affecting the entire family with their negative energy? You know, you have someone, [who] is like this, come into the family dining room; and they suck all of the positive oxygen out of the room in about three seconds. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes! The whole dynamic of the family is <em>changed<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> \u2014the whole dynamic of the family. The question becomes: \u201cWhat do we do when we\u2019re in a situation like <em>that<\/em>?\u201d That\u2019s what\u2019s hard. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, there are <em>tons<\/em> of books written on whether a mother and father should do this or that; there are enough to fill a landfill with those things. [Laughter] There are so many books like that. Mothers and fathers play an incredible role\u2014that is true\u2014but they can become legalistic. Through fear and intimidation, they can control their kids; and that\u2019s part of their parenting model. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut when this child actually is in my family, acting like that, what do I do when he comes in and the siblings detest him?\u2014the siblings don\u2019t care for him?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014or the siblings don\u2019t want to be there with that person there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> They don\u2019t want to be around him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, what do you tell those families?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> No, that\u2019s where this book lives\u2014is trying to get the family together\u2014to encourage the siblings to try out: \u201cDave, smile; keep your mouth shut, and pray.\u201d [Laughter] \u201cBecause the more you speak, the worse this is going to get.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; you said you wrote this book for those parents, who are facing these kinds of situations, to coach them on how they can be like Jesus in these situations and how they can go against what may be their fleshly impulses: to want to control, or to manipulate, or to engineer, or to fix everything. That\u2019s a difficult place; and yet, you go back to Genesis 2:24, where all of this gets started. The first thing the Bible says about marriage is: \u201cA man shall\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> \u2014 \u201cleave\u2026\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cleave his father and mother.\u201d This is something we talk about at our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways. I had a counselor tell me one time that he thought you could trace 90 percent of marriage problems back to a failure to leave on the part of the son or the daughter\/that some emotional, or financial, or some kind of a mystical tie to that family of origin was undermining and sabotaging this new marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve watched that and seen how family history is so significant in influencing what the dynamic of a new marriage relationship is. You\u2019ve seen that; haven\u2019t you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Oh, absolutely; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And to your point about what the past has been is more significant than what the promise is\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, I know when Ann and I were first married\u2014I don\u2019t know how long this went on\u2014but every time we would go see her parents\u2014[whom] I love, you know?\u2014I was the toxic guy that her dad said, \u201cDo not marry.\u201d Yet, over the years\u2014and it happened very soon in our marriage\u2014we became almost best friends. He did see: \u201cChrist has literally changed this young man\u2019s life, and he\u2019s somebody I want in my family.\u201d He became my dad. You know, I never had a dad; and he became very close. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut this \u201cleave\u201d part was really easy for me, because I came from a broken family with no dad and alcoholic parents: \u201cI\u2019m out of here!\u201d You know, I love them; but\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cI can\u2019t wait to start a new life!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was not so easy for <em>her<\/em>, because Ann came from a <em>wonderful<\/em> family. We would go visit that family; her brothers are great! It\u2019s just wonderful. We would get in the car to drive home, and we fought 15 hours.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> <em>Every single time<\/em> we would be with my parents\u2014and it wasn\u2019t that often, because we didn\u2019t live in the same hometown\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014we would come back, and I was <em>mortified<\/em> over how Dave treated my parents. I would say things like: \u201cWhy did you do this?\u201d and \u201cWhy do you have to up my brothers all the time?\u201d It would be a fight every time!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I mean, I got to the point, where I didn\u2019t want to see them\u2014even though I loved them\u2014because of the drive home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s what I felt: \u201cShe hasn\u2019t left; they\u2019re still more important to her than I am.\u201d I was probably jealous of her relationship with them; and so I kept saying, \u201cYou haven\u2019t left them.\u201d It\u2019s what Bob said\u2014it was a real thing in our marriage\u2014that: \u201cI\u2019m your number-one priority now, not your mom and dad and your brothers.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And I was like, \u201cYou <em>are <\/em>my number-one priority, but why do you have to <em>act<\/em> like that when you\u2019re with them?\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> The question is, you know, as a parent\u2014or even as the son- or daughter-in-law\u2014\u201cHow do you truly leave and cleave?\u201d This is the question of the <em>century<\/em>, out of Genesis 2.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Well, I think that is an emotional thing that you have to decide, just like you said, Ann: \u201cYou are first, but that doesn\u2019t excuse the behavior that you\u2019re demonstrating to my mom and dad.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> <em>Thank you!! Yes<\/em>!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> \u201cAnd you\u2019re being a knucklehead if you\u2019re going to treat them that way. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Doyle is now Ann\u2019s new best friend!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> \u201cSo back off.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I like Doyle.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> This conversation is over. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> No, but you make a great point. I think that jealousy is one of the big factors in families that are successful like yours, Ann, where people wish they had a family like that. The husband is reacting to them\u2014trying to pull them away from there\u2014because he\u2019s insecure, Dave. That makes the transition for \u201cleave and cleave\u201d even more difficult; because he\u2019s trying to <em>pull<\/em> rather than just invite, and it happens normally.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Did you do that, Doyle, with your wife, Nancy?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Yes; I didn\u2019t have a leave-and-cleave issue.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> And I didn\u2019t have a jealousy issue with her and her family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> I was just a knucklehead like Dave. [Laughter] I just wanted my way! I was a self-righteous, self-centered young man; and that was probably more insecurity, Ann, than anything.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> That just created an <em>awful<\/em> thing for my poor mother- and father-in-law. It was terrible!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You know, for Mary Ann and me, we would drive home from early visits to my folks; and Mary Ann would say, \u201cYou\u2019re different when we\u2019re with your parents.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This was not with her parents, but with my parents. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, with <em>your<\/em> parents!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; what she was pointing out was: when I would go back home, I would start to act like I had acted, growing up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019m falling into patterns. I\u2019m back in the house; I\u2019m back to acting like I\u2019m their son rather than acting like I\u2019m her husband. When I\u2019m away from my parents\u2014when I\u2019m with her\u2014I\u2019m her husband. That\u2019s the dynamic: I would go back home, and I\u2019d start to be their son again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI didn\u2019t have any emotional problem leaving my parents; but there are still strings, and ties, and patterns, and habits that we don\u2019t even know are there\u2014because I would say, \u201cI\u2019m no different!\u201d\u2014and she would go, \u201cYes, you are. You act this way, and you do that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI started to see that: \u201cYes, this is just ingrained in me; it\u2019s subconscious.\u201d I didn\u2019t know I was doing it; but when she brought it to the surface, I could see it. I could recognize: \u201cWhen I go home, I\u2019m not going home as their son anymore. I still respect them and honor them,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s appropriate for me to do\u2014\u201cbut I\u2019m now her husband, and that\u2019s the priority relationship.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> And sometimes, when they go into the home, like you\u2019re speaking, they are more comfortable in that environment: they play with their siblings; they go out and shoot baskets; and in essence, they ignore their wives; right?\u2014they ignore them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Our daughters-in-law complain about their husbands: \u201cThey come back, and they\u2019re playing video games again,\u201d\u2014ignoring the wives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> \u2014ignoring their wives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> They\u2019re being brothers again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Sure, they\u2019re being brothers; you\u2019re right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> They\u2019re being brothers again; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> One of the things you say in your book\u2014which I thought was so good\u2014you talk about a time for prayer for parents\/for the parents of these in-laws. You say, \u201cJust like going slow, while breaking a horse,\u201d\u2014I don\u2019t read that every day in a book; I like this!\u2014\u201cit\u2019s the same with sons- and daughters-in-law. You must move patiently, slowly, and respectfully; or the job will be increasingly more difficult.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is when you get into saying: \u201cOne, pray for Christ-like response to your feelings and emotions. Two, pray for a positive attitude. Three, pray for patience. Four, pray for protection. Five, pray for heart change. Six, pray for strength to trust God.\u201d Those are good practical steps that we can take. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think we get so fearful of losing our kids\/\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Oh, right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014of losing our grandkids\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014that we kind of take things out of perspective.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> And we disconnect from our spiritual convictions. We\u2019re Christian people; we\u2019re people who really trust the Lord. We <em>do <\/em>pray. God is bigger than our events; He\u2019s the One who controls all those things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe leave prayer out of these things; and we turn into, sort of spiritual monsters, in a way. We get angry; we get frustrated; our God gets smaller, and we get bigger. It just doesn\u2019t work like that when you\u2019re in a situation with a very difficult son- or daughter-in-law; it just doesn\u2019t work.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s what you say in the book: \u201cIt isn\u2019t: \u2018Pray one day.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s: \u201cPray patiently; it\u2019s going to take a long time.\u201d I mean, your story is your in-laws gave you grace. My story is Ann\u2019s parents loved me\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014gave me grace\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014for years\/for years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, I was going to say: \u201cI didn\u2019t change in a year; it was close to a <em>decade<\/em>, probably.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Maybe Ann would say two decades. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But you know, I was still sort of a jerk when I would get around them. I think, at the heart of it, as you said earlier, I was insecure; and I was jealous. I\u2019d never had this family; and instead of relishing and cherishing it, I was feeling like it was Ann\u2019s fault. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey prayed, and they loved and gave grace. I don\u2019t remember them ever once saying, \u201cYou\u2019re being a jerk.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But I\u2019m not saying they shouldn\u2019t have said the truth sometimes, but they just patiently watched God change me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And so, I would say to the parent: \u201cDon\u2019t give up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> No, don\u2019t give up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cJust keep getting on your knees.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And they <em>never<\/em> critiqued you to me, <em>ever<\/em>. Not one time did they say something negative about Dave. Had they, at the beginning, I would have jumped on that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> That would have been hard.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You know, the enemy is always looking for a foothold.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> That\u2019s right!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And so, if they would have said something negative, I would have probably gone back and thought, \u201cYeah! He <em>does<\/em> do that!\u201d And then it could have led me to the place of: \u201cMaybe I shouldn\u2019t have married him.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And that\u2019s the thing that the enemy can do as well: if the parents have said something negative, the kids later, if they\u2019re having difficulty, they are probably thinking, \u201cMy parents were probably right; I shouldn\u2019t have married them.\u201d That can put us in a tough spot.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> That\u2019s exactly right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is where I think to have some ongoing coaching\/to have a book like the one you\u2019ve written, Doyle, is almost essential for us as parents-in-law, especially if we\u2019re facing anything challenging like this, to be able to be pointed to: \u201cThis is how you pray,\u201d and \u201cThis is what you say,\u201d and \u201cThis is what you <em>don\u2019t<\/em> say.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re making your book available this week to <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>listeners who can help with a donation to help support the ongoing work of this ministry. Doyle\u2019s book is called <em>Toxic Sons- and Daughters-in-Law: Untangling Difficult Situations. <\/em>The book is our gift to you if you can help extend the reach of FamilyLife with a donation today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYour donations go to help cover the costs of producing and syndicating\u2014making this program available in all kinds of channels\/through all kinds of outlets\u2014people are now hearing <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>as a podcast on the FamilyLife mobile app; they\u2019re listening to FamilyLife by telling Alexa<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> to play <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>; many of you are still listening on your local radio station. You make all of this possible, along with the extended work of FamilyLife, when you make a donation today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, we\u2019d love to send you a copy of Doyle Roth\u2019s book, <em>Toxic Sons- and Daughters-in-Law <\/em>as our gift when you donate. You can donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d Be sure to ask for your copy of the book, <em>Toxic Sons- and Daughters-in-Law<\/em>,by Doyle Roth when you donate to support the ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we want to dig into whether we should try to confront a son-in-law or a daughter-in-law, who is disrupting family harmony. Doyle Roth will be with us again. I hope you can be here as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer, Keith Lynch. We got some help again today from Bruce Goff. On behalf of our entire broadcast production team and our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. 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