{"id":306771,"date":"2021-03-15T07:00:05","date_gmt":"2021-03-15T11:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/word-to-the-wise\/"},"modified":"2021-03-15T07:00:05","modified_gmt":"2021-03-15T11:00:05","slug":"word-to-the-wise","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/word-to-the-wise\/","title":{"rendered":"Word to the Wise"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>How can a parent respond when their child is married to a toxic person? Author and counselor Doyle Roth describes ways to wade through the difficulties that come with those hard relationships.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-03-15.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:28:19","filesize":"25.93M","filesize_raw":"27187677","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2856,10380],"tags":[6806],"podcast_series":[8432],"cwp_profile":[8905],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306771","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-adult-children","category-in-laws-and-others","tag-toxic-people","podcast_series-toxic-sons-and-daughters-in-law","cwp_profile-doyle-roth","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306771\/word-to-the-wise","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306771\/word-to-the-wise","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"qylOlAQHa9\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/word-to-the-wise\/\">Word to the Wise<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/word-to-the-wise\/embed\/#?secret=qylOlAQHa9\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Word to the Wise&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"qylOlAQHa9\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-03-15.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-03-15.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Doyle Roth says he\u2019s a firm believer in premarital counselling, but\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> I think a lot of the premarital counselling focuses on the couple, and that\u2019s good news. But they need talk about what happens in relation to your mother- and father-in-law: \u201cWhat does that love look like?\u2014what does that respect look like?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, March 15<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. The Bible says that a man should leave his father and mother\/cleave to his wife. The two become one flesh; that\u2019s what marriage is. That doesn\u2019t mean that our extended families don\u2019t play a role in the success of our union. We\u2019re going to talk more about that today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. It was a couple of months ago; we aired on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> a series that the three of us did, where we had been talking to people about dealing with adult children. For those of us who are old enough to have adult children, there can be some challenges that come into those relationships. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMore and more, as we\u2019re talking with moms and dads all around the country, we\u2019re hearing about <em>sharp<\/em> divisions that are taking place in families between parents and their adult kids. We didn\u2019t really get into the fine points that we\u2019re going to talk about today. But one of the areas where this can get challenging is with sons- and daughters-in-law, those new grafted-in members of the family. Sometimes, that graft is not as easy as you thought it was going to be. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And it\u2019s one of those topics nobody wants to talk about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s real, but it\u2019s not an easy one to talk about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think a listener is going to say, \u201c<em>Finally<\/em>, we are addressing this.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We found a brave man, who would help us navigate this; Doyle Roth is back with us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Doyle, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Thank you so much for having me come. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019ve written a book called <em>Toxic Sons- and Daughters-in-Law: Untangling Difficult Relationships<\/em>. There\u2019s a fence post with barbed wire all tangled around it on the front cover, [Laughter] which is what it can feel like for some of these parents. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Boy, absolutely. This is a very, very interesting and a very difficult problem. What I wanted to highlight in the book is that this is about good parents. It\u2019s not just about toxic sons- and daughters-in-law. I\u2019m dealing with <em>good<\/em> parents\/parents that have been raised, really, under the teaching of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>: they love Jesus; they\u2019re trying to bring godly parenting into their families; they\u2019re raising kids in a God-honoring way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut when these kids grow up, a lot of things begin to change for this lovely Christ-honoring family. When you bring an outsider\u2014which I call the son- or daughter-in-law that comes into the family\u2014when an outsider comes into the family, it can create a lot of turbulence in a family; in fact, it can be very, very divisive. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That can be sort of disconcerting because, as you mentioned, I think there is a belief by a lot of us\u2014if we do the right things, if we honor God, if we follow Jesus, and we raise our kids that way\u2014there\u2019s sort of this built-in belief: \u201cIt will all be pretty; there won\u2019t be barbed wire in our future. It\u2019ll go pretty well.\u201d Yet, <em>great<\/em> families, as you said, sometimes end up with toxic family breakdowns; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> That\u2019s exactly right; it\u2019s unexpected. These things show up in the times when it\u2019s just surprising to you: your son or your daughter leaves home\u2014goes off to school or maybe, in high school, meets somebody\u2014and before you know it, they\u2019re in an in-depth relationship. All of a sudden, the writing is on the wall. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> What do you mean by toxic?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Toxic is the kind of person that is uncompromising, self-willed, self-defensive, self-righteous. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I hear a lot of <em>self<\/em> in there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Yes; very self-focused to the point of <em>extreme<\/em>. They can be also addictive people\u2014addicted to alcohol; addicted to pornography\u2014a lot of people fall into that toxic class. It comes in through those various means that this, all of a sudden, finds itself in a good, wholesome family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There\u2019s a continuum here of toxicity. I mean, there\u2019s everything from: \u201cIt\u2019s an unpleasant relationship,\u201d all the way to \u201cIt\u2019s a dangerous relationship.\u201d When you use the word, \u201ctoxic,\u201d you\u2019re talking about both ends of that continuum; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Yes; correct.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We should start off by making clear, for your children\u2019s sake, that you\u2019re not writing this because your four kids wound up marrying toxic spouses.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle: <\/strong>No; thank you for putting in that headline. [Laughter]\u00a0 It will protect me when this is all over. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> In fact, if there was any part of this book that related to your own family, you, at the very beginning, say your wife\u2019s parents had to deal with a toxic son-in-law when your wife got married to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Exactly right, Bob. We started our marriage very young, but I brought into our marriage a lot of these self-oriented issues. I remember fighting my mother- and father-in-law, who were <em>great<\/em> people. I have come to love them and respect them. They were very patient with me, as a very immature young man; I was married at 19. The things that they did to try to help us, I resisted. The way they wanted to handle and be with our grandchildren\u2014I didn\u2019t want them to do that\u2014and actually, created a lot of turbulence in the family because of that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut God, in His grace, really helped me to grow, and mature, and be taught through the Scriptures what it really means to be a loving husband and also to honor\u2014not just my mom and dad\u2014but to honor mom- and dad-in-laws is part of this as well. I had to learn that, biblically, that that was important. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, how did you learn that? Because I\u2019m like Bob, when I started reading your book, I did not expect Chapter 1 to be about you; [Laughter] I really didn\u2019t. I was like, \u201cOh, here we go\u201d; then you\u2019re like: \u201cI know about toxic son-in-laws because I <em>is<\/em> one\/I was one.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But something changed; I mean, how did you mature out of that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> The main thing is that I appreciate what God has in His Word. One of the problems that I find in my own heart\/in the lives of people that I counsel with is a lack of application of biblical truths to their lives. They can read the Scriptures\/memorize the Scriptures, but application is not always on their radar. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor me, as a young Christian guy, I felt like that was the thing I was learning: I was learning to take\u2014actually, \u201cHusbands love your wives,\u201d\/\u201c\u2026honor your parents,\u201d\u2014I was taking those things much more seriously. My Christian character, thank God, was growing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Let me pull it back, because this doesn\u2019t start after our kids get married. This whole issue starts to emerge when we see our son or our daughter starting to develop an interest in a young man or a young woman. We start to go: \u201cWho is this young man?\u201d or \u201c\u2026this young woman?\u201d Sometimes, as parents, we\u2019re a little concerned about where our children\u2019s affections are being drawn. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTake us back to the headwaters of this. When your kids are in high school or in college, and you start to see them pairing off with somebody, and you start to have concerns, what\u2019s the right approach to take, as a parent, in that situation? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Well, you\u2019ve entered into some pretty dangerous water. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle: <\/strong>When your kids are of the age to start dating, or they\u2019re off at college, they\u2019re at an age where your opinion is not quite as strong as it was when they were in elementary school. There\u2019s a lot of resistance. Especially, if you\u2019re trying to describe the one that they care about in unfavorable or negative terms, they start to bristle real badly about that. You\u2019ll find that the relationship that you have with your son or daughter begins to diminish because they care for this person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe more that you talk about that, the more distance will come between you and your future daughter- and son-in-law. The thing gets more and more complicated the closer they get to the marital ceremony. Then afterwards is where the real break begins, when that son-in-law or that daughter-in-law says: \u201cWe are not going to get together at family meetings,\u201d or \u201cWe\u2019re not going to share the grandchildren,\u201d or \u201cWe\u2019re going to this or that.\u201d It makes things just very, very difficult.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I\u2014Bob, and Dave, and Ann\u2014I\u2019m a real believer in premarital counselling. But I think a lot of the premarital counselling focuses on the couple\u2014and that\u2019s good news; right?\u2014we should do that, but this is an additional piece that I think is really significant. They need to talk about what happens in relation to your mother- and father-in-law: \u201cWhat does that love look like?\u2014what does that respect look like?\u201d Those things come out in the premarital context. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> If you\u2019re a parent\u2014you\u2019re just talking about that\u2014and you\u2019re watching your daughter or son start to date somebody that shows real signs of being toxic: maybe addictions, or uncontrolled anger, control. You see this, as a mom and dad; what do you do? You just said, \u201cMan, if you step into it, it can really cause\u2026\u201d; so you can\u2019t just step <em>out<\/em> of it; there\u2019s that <em>tension<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What would you counsel a parent to do?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Well, I have a section in my book on the preventative resources that are available to people; because a dad and mom don\u2019t always communicate effectively with their son or daughter,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> \u2014at this age, about things like this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014and almost <em>can\u2019t<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> \u2014and almost can\u2019t.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014because of who they are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I mean, a young person\/an adolescent, whether they\u2019re in their late teens\/early 20s, they are wanting to demonstrate to themselves and to others: \u201cI\u2019m my own person.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor mom and dad to come and say, \u201cHere\u2019s what we think,\u201d it\u2019s almost like, \u201cWell, then I have to think differently to be my own person.\u201d This is where\u2014I thought this was a great insight in your book\u2014you\u2019re saying mom and dad need to lean into a broader community and get some mentor help.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> That\u2019s right; that\u2019s the protective resources\/the preventative or protective resources\u2014a good mentor, a youth leader, someone from Cru<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, someone from this or that, a pastor, a counsellor\u2014these are people [who] need to come into this relationship, and they help describe and define what the relationship really looks like in a way that\u2019s more receivable by the kids. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think that\u2019s a very important <em>piece<\/em> of where this thing goes\u2014because if the parents are out front\u2014I\u2019ve had parents say things to their kids, pre-[married], that those kids have <em>never<\/em> forgotten into the marriage. They hold those things against mom and dad; and that\u2019s the distance that we, as Christian parents, don\u2019t want. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Now that I\u2019m older, and I\u2019ve\u2014and a lot of my friends\u2019 kids are now getting married\/or even in high school, and they\u2019re dating someone\u2014the mom will describe this <em>horrible<\/em> relationship that their son or daughter is in; and they\u2019re expressing that to their son or daughter, like, \u201cYou shouldn\u2019t be dating them.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve said, \u201cBe very, very careful with what you\u2019re saying; because they could end up marrying that person\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right; that\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cand you have no idea what the future brings.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would pray before you have those conversations, because they\u2019re not always received readily. They can\/kids can really push back. You\u2019re right; I\u2019ve seen that. Sometimes, if those words are spoken, they are <em>never<\/em> forgotten\u2014even if the parent comes back and, \u201cI shouldn\u2019t have said that,\u201d\u2014but it\u2019s still hard.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Even Christian families and Christian people that are suffering, like we\u2019re talking\u2014when something is said, they can say, \u201cI forgive you,\u201d or they can say, \u201cI confess that I did wrong,\u201d\u2014but those things are burned in the brain; and they\u2019re still there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yet, in some ways, I\u2019m sitting here\u2014obviously, as the dad, thinking again, as a parent\u2014\u201cHow do you not say the wrong thing?\u201d Like you said, you\u2019ve got to be so careful; maybe you <em>shouldn\u2019t<\/em> say anything. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, at the end of the day, you sort of have to trust that there\u2019s a God that can speak into that. I\u2019m literally thinking of my own experience, growing up. I was dating a girl I had no reason to marry. Guess who told me that? \u2014my mom\/single mom, who I love. I know she\u2019s praying about this; but she said to me several times, \u201cI don\u2019t think she\u2019s the one.\u201d It was just like you said, Bob, before; it\u2019s like, \u201cOkay; if you say that, then she <em>is<\/em> the one.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I know she was <em>praying<\/em>\u2014because I wasn\u2019t listening to <em>her<\/em>\u2014that God would somehow show me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> As I look back now, I\u2019m sitting here, literally, going, \u201cOh, my goodness!\u201d I remember I was going to see her at her college; I was at a different school. I bump into her sister\/younger sister; and she says to me, \u201cHey, my sister\u2019s not who you think she is,\u201d\u2014blew it off!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I was at a New Year\u2019s Eve <em>party<\/em>; this stranger dude walks up to me <em>at<\/em> the party, close to midnight. My girlfriend had just gone to the bathroom, so she\u2019s not standing beside me. He goes, \u201cDude, I respect you; I believe you\u2019re a good guy. You should <em>not<\/em> marry that girl. She is <em>not<\/em> who you think she is.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m looking back now. God\u2019s given me sign after sign until the day I walk in and surprise her in her dorm room and catch her with another guy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s when I went, \u201cOh, my goodness!\u201d Now, I\u2019m like, \u201cMy mom tried to tell me three years before!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right; <em>strangers<\/em> tried to tell you. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Yes, right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I mean, and I\u2019m sitting beside the most incredible woman <em>ever<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve said this, as a preacher, many times, \u201cIf I would have made the choice to marry her,\u201d\u2014now I don\u2019t know this 100 percent\u2014\u201cbut I would bet 98 percent, we\u2019re divorced; because who she was\u2014was not the woman of character I thought she was\u2014and I [wouldn\u2019t] even [be] here right now. My entire legacy, every job I\u2019ve ever had, <em>everything<\/em> would have been changed by that <em>one<\/em> decision.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> My mom told me, and I wouldn\u2019t listen. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s kind of depressing, as parents,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014that we have no power\/that we have no say. So what should we do as parents? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> I can tell you that I\u2019m a hard head; I\u2019m a stubborn hard head. [Laughter] If my dad or my mom would have said, \u201cDon\u2019t marry Nancy,\u201d it wouldn\u2019t have worked.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> If Nancy\u2019s parents would have said, \u201cDon\u2019t marry that flat-head guy,\u201d [Laughter] that would <em>not<\/em> have worked. It would have put us closer together. I think we have to be realistic and understand the <em>limits<\/em> of what we can do, as parents, with adult kids. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We had the opportunity to interview R.C. Sproul, the famous author and theologian, who has now gone to heaven. We found out, before we did the interview, that his son, R.C., Jr., had been engaged to an unbeliever at one point prior to his getting married. R.C., Jr. eventually married\u2014broke off the engagement\u2014married someone else. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe asked R.C. about that; we said, \u201cWhat was it like for you and your wife Vesta when your son is now engaged to be married to somebody who is not a believer?\u201d He said, \u201cWell, Vesta wore out the rug in the bedroom with her knees; she was praying passionately.\u201d He said, \u201cI knew well enough that I better not say too much, but I needed to say something.\u201d He said, \u201cI went to my son and I said, \u2018Son, remember who you are.\u2019\u201d He didn\u2019t mean: \u201cYou\u2019re a Sproul\u201d; he meant\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> \u201cYou\u2019re a believer.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cYou\u2019re a believer. You\u2019re a child of God. Remember who you are.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe had the opportunity to talk to his son and say, \u201cDo you remember that conversation?\u201d R.C., Jr., said, \u201cThat stuck with me.\u201d He said, \u201cI know he was being cautious not to say too much,\u201d\u2014because just like we\u2019ve confessed here\u2014if he\u2019d have said too much, R.C., Jr., would have bowed his back a little bit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> One of our sons was dating a girl. Dave and I do marriage stuff, so we see <em>all<\/em> these red flags. She was a <em>great<\/em> girl, but there were just some things that we thought\/you can just foresee the future of what <em>could<\/em> happen in this. I was praying; I would <em>fast<\/em>. When people talk about this, I\u2019m like, \u201cHave you fasted about this for your child?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was fasting, and the son calls. He\u2019s on his way to see this girl in college. He said, \u201cMom, I just feel like we\u2019re [girlfriend and he] always fighting; I feel like this stuff\u2019s going on.\u201d Then he said the magic words, \u201cWhat do <em>you<\/em> think?\u201d [Laughter] I\u2019m like, \u201cOh, <em>finally<\/em> you asked me!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cI can say something.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, but I\u2019m super cautious. I say that little prayer in my head, \u201cLord, help me to know how to say this in a way that it can be received.\u201d I asked him a few questions. I said, \u201cDo you feel like this fighting is something\u2014like you guys are in the honeymoon-stage of just dating; this is the fun part\u2014has this been going on for a while that you\u2019re continually fighting?\u201d I think asking those questions is a good thing, to let them come up with the answer. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe says, \u201cYes, it feels like we\u2019re <em>always<\/em> doing that. I said, \u201cDo you think that it would get <em>better<\/em> when you get married, or do you think it could get <em>worse<\/em> with all the strain that you have with kids and jobs?\u201d He goes, \u201cOh, yes, it would probably be <em>harder<\/em>.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said, \u201cWell, I think those are some things to think about; because as somebody that\u2019s been married a while, I\u2019m telling you that the stress and strain of life\/that just pushes on your marriage and your relationship. I think those are things to just think about and pray about. But you\u2019ve got a great head on your shoulders, and I know you\u2019re praying; so I\u2019m sure that you\u2019ll make the right decision.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey broke up. [Laughter] \u201cThank you, Jesus!\u201d I\u2019m not saying she wasn\u2019t a great girl, but I\u2019m saying it probably would have been <em>hard<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019ve got to speak to this; because there are some folks, who are listening, and they\u2019re saying, \u201cWe had those conversations\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cand they got married. Our daughter married an unbeliever,\u201d or \u201cHe said he was a believer,\u201d or\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cHe\u2019s toxic.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cThey\u2019re believers, and now they\u2019ve got problems.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes, parents have got to be really careful; Doyle, you speak to this in the book. I\u2019ve seen parents, who\u2014now, it almost becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy\u2014and they find themselves saying [in a knowing tone], \u201cThis is what I thought was going to happen.\u201d It's almost justification or validation. Instead of parents, at the point, pivoting and saying, \u201cNo, I\u2019ve got to be here to help this marriage endure,\u201d they\u2019re almost like, \u201cI need this marriage to fail so that I\u2019m vindicated.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; \u201cI <em>told<\/em> you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Yes; right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> If parents are in a situation, where a son or a daughter has married somebody, and it\u2019s not been what you wanted, and they <em>knew<\/em> it wasn\u2019t what you wanted, how can the mom and dad start to do some repair work and try to build it as healthy as possible, going forward?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Well, I think you\u2019ve got to stay below the radar. I think you\u2019ve got to be able to encourage them, love them, come alongside of them. But I think you better be careful correcting them. I think you step too far into the weeds if you\u2019re talking about their marriage. If they <em>invite<\/em> you to do something like that, that\u2019s one thing. If they are not inviting you to help them with their marriage, I would stay away from that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, that\u2019s so <em>hard<\/em>! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> In fact, even if they <em>ask<\/em> me, I would be careful; I\u2019d be careful about doing that. It\u2019s so <em>hard<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You would? Even if they ask you, you\u2019d be careful?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> I would be careful. I would, again, recommend that they find somebody to talk to; because you\u2019re prejudiced. The mom and dad are prejudiced; they\u2019ve got their kid involved here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We\u2019re biased. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Our kids are really at risk in these things. My goal is to try to encourage parents to see <em>their<\/em> child as the ultimate win: \u201cKeep the relationship with your child; keep that functioning. Talk with them about the blessings of what\u2019s going on in their lives. Try to connect with your child, continually, because that\u2019s really what this is about.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA toxic person wants to break that relationship; they want to pull you away from that. That\u2019s why a lot of isolation goes on; they try to isolate your son or daughter <em>from<\/em> the parents. They try to win that argument; I don\u2019t think it\u2019s healthy to be a part of that argument. I think it\u2019s better to be an example of what God wants us to be\u2014in love and affection for them\u2014and stay strong. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Is that what\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> I have a saying in my book; and I say it over and over again: \u201cSmile; keep your mouth shut, and pray.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> That\u2019s the basic thing. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Is that what your in-laws did?\u2014because you were that guy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> They did, and that\u2019s why I dedicated the book to them. They walked a very, very difficult line; and they smiled; they kept their mouth shut, and they prayed. I might add that they fixed roast a lot on Sunday mornings. [Laughter] They had a cowboy\u2019s heart when they did that. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>There\u2019s some hope there, because your in-laws had a son-in-law that they were concerned about; and over time, God did a work. That\u2019s what our listeners need to hear, wherever you are on this continuum\u2014whether you\u2019re on the front end, and your son or daughter is heading headlong into a relationship that you\u2019re concerned about; or whether they\u2019ve already gotten married, and now you\u2019re starting to see the red flags\u2014God is still God. He\u2019s in the business of transforming, bringing beauty from ashes, making all things new.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> He can do that with relationships and with marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I would say, \u201cWear out the rug.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> \u201cWear out the rug\u201d; that\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes, and maybe get a copy of Doyle\u2019s book and read through this together. <em>Pray<\/em> through this book is what I\u2019d say. We\u2019re making Doyle\u2019s book available this week to those of you, who are regular <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners, who want to help <em>extend<\/em> the reach of this ministry through a donation. When you help us reach more people, more often, through your donations, we want to help you by providing resources like Doyle\u2019s book, <em>Toxic Sons- and Daughters-in-Law: Untangling Difficult Relationships<\/em>. You can order the book from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can receive a copy of the book when you make a donation to help support the mission of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> to help us effectively develop godly marriages and families that change the world one home at a time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYour financial support extends the <em>reach<\/em> of this ministry. You make it possible for us to reach more people, more often. In fact, when you donate, there are hundreds of thousands of people every day who benefit from the practical biblical help and hope they receive from this radio program\/from this podcast. Thank you, in advance, for whatever you\u2019re able to do; and be sure to ask for your copy of Doyle Roth\u2019s book, <em>Toxic Sons- and Daughters-in-Law<\/em>, as our thank-you gift in exchange for your donation. Donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or donate by calling 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne other quick note: I want to remind you that we have an event coming up next month that many of you are going to be interested in. It\u2019s a virtual event; it\u2019s our 2021 <em>Blended and Blessed<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae <\/sup><\/em>event for couples, who are in blended families or stepfamilies. This is set for April 24<sup>th<\/sup>. You can get more information about how you can view this in your home or in your church. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information. It\u2019s a one-day event on a Saturday, April 24<sup>th<\/sup>; starts at 8:30 in the morning, Central Time, and wraps up about 3:30 in the afternoon. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, get more information when you go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com; there\u2019s a link there. If you\u2019re in a blended family, or if your church has a lot of blended families in it, consider hosting this event as a help to couples who are facing challenges in the dynamic of their blended family. Again, more information online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to continue our conversation with Doyle Roth about how we deal with disruptive sons- or daughters-in-law when they come into a family and it fractures things; what do we do? We\u2019ll continue that conversation tomorrow. I hope you can join us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch. We got some help from Bruce Goff this week; also, I want to thank our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:28:19"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["25.93M"],"filesize_raw":["27187677"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-306771.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-306771.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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can a parent respond when their child is married to a toxic person? Author and counselor Doyle Roth describes ways to wade through the difficulties that come with those hard relationships.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-03-15.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Doyle Roth says he\u2019s a firm believer in premarital counselling, but\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> I think a lot of the premarital counselling focuses on the couple, and that\u2019s good news. But they need talk about what happens in relation to your mother- and father-in-law: \u201cWhat does that love look like?\u2014what does that respect look like?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, March 15<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. The Bible says that a man should leave his father and mother\/cleave to his wife. The two become one flesh; that\u2019s what marriage is. That doesn\u2019t mean that our extended families don\u2019t play a role in the success of our union. We\u2019re going to talk more about that today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. It was a couple of months ago; we aired on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> a series that the three of us did, where we had been talking to people about dealing with adult children. For those of us who are old enough to have adult children, there can be some challenges that come into those relationships. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMore and more, as we\u2019re talking with moms and dads all around the country, we\u2019re hearing about <em>sharp<\/em> divisions that are taking place in families between parents and their adult kids. We didn\u2019t really get into the fine points that we\u2019re going to talk about today. But one of the areas where this can get challenging is with sons- and daughters-in-law, those new grafted-in members of the family. Sometimes, that graft is not as easy as you thought it was going to be. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And it\u2019s one of those topics nobody wants to talk about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s real, but it\u2019s not an easy one to talk about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think a listener is going to say, \u201c<em>Finally<\/em>, we are addressing this.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We found a brave man, who would help us navigate this; Doyle Roth is back with us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Doyle, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Thank you so much for having me come. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019ve written a book called <em>Toxic Sons- and Daughters-in-Law: Untangling Difficult Relationships<\/em>. There\u2019s a fence post with barbed wire all tangled around it on the front cover, [Laughter] which is what it can feel like for some of these parents. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Boy, absolutely. This is a very, very interesting and a very difficult problem. What I wanted to highlight in the book is that this is about good parents. It\u2019s not just about toxic sons- and daughters-in-law. I\u2019m dealing with <em>good<\/em> parents\/parents that have been raised, really, under the teaching of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>: they love Jesus; they\u2019re trying to bring godly parenting into their families; they\u2019re raising kids in a God-honoring way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut when these kids grow up, a lot of things begin to change for this lovely Christ-honoring family. When you bring an outsider\u2014which I call the son- or daughter-in-law that comes into the family\u2014when an outsider comes into the family, it can create a lot of turbulence in a family; in fact, it can be very, very divisive. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That can be sort of disconcerting because, as you mentioned, I think there is a belief by a lot of us\u2014if we do the right things, if we honor God, if we follow Jesus, and we raise our kids that way\u2014there\u2019s sort of this built-in belief: \u201cIt will all be pretty; there won\u2019t be barbed wire in our future. It\u2019ll go pretty well.\u201d Yet, <em>great<\/em> families, as you said, sometimes end up with toxic family breakdowns; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> That\u2019s exactly right; it\u2019s unexpected. These things show up in the times when it\u2019s just surprising to you: your son or your daughter leaves home\u2014goes off to school or maybe, in high school, meets somebody\u2014and before you know it, they\u2019re in an in-depth relationship. All of a sudden, the writing is on the wall. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> What do you mean by toxic?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Toxic is the kind of person that is uncompromising, self-willed, self-defensive, self-righteous. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I hear a lot of <em>self<\/em> in there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Yes; very self-focused to the point of <em>extreme<\/em>. They can be also addictive people\u2014addicted to alcohol; addicted to pornography\u2014a lot of people fall into that toxic class. It comes in through those various means that this, all of a sudden, finds itself in a good, wholesome family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There\u2019s a continuum here of toxicity. I mean, there\u2019s everything from: \u201cIt\u2019s an unpleasant relationship,\u201d all the way to \u201cIt\u2019s a dangerous relationship.\u201d When you use the word, \u201ctoxic,\u201d you\u2019re talking about both ends of that continuum; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Yes; correct.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We should start off by making clear, for your children\u2019s sake, that you\u2019re not writing this because your four kids wound up marrying toxic spouses.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle: <\/strong>No; thank you for putting in that headline. [Laughter]\u00a0 It will protect me when this is all over. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> In fact, if there was any part of this book that related to your own family, you, at the very beginning, say your wife\u2019s parents had to deal with a toxic son-in-law when your wife got married to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Exactly right, Bob. We started our marriage very young, but I brought into our marriage a lot of these self-oriented issues. I remember fighting my mother- and father-in-law, who were <em>great<\/em> people. I have come to love them and respect them. They were very patient with me, as a very immature young man; I was married at 19. The things that they did to try to help us, I resisted. The way they wanted to handle and be with our grandchildren\u2014I didn\u2019t want them to do that\u2014and actually, created a lot of turbulence in the family because of that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut God, in His grace, really helped me to grow, and mature, and be taught through the Scriptures what it really means to be a loving husband and also to honor\u2014not just my mom and dad\u2014but to honor mom- and dad-in-laws is part of this as well. I had to learn that, biblically, that that was important. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, how did you learn that? Because I\u2019m like Bob, when I started reading your book, I did not expect Chapter 1 to be about you; [Laughter] I really didn\u2019t. I was like, \u201cOh, here we go\u201d; then you\u2019re like: \u201cI know about toxic son-in-laws because I <em>is<\/em> one\/I was one.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But something changed; I mean, how did you mature out of that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> The main thing is that I appreciate what God has in His Word. One of the problems that I find in my own heart\/in the lives of people that I counsel with is a lack of application of biblical truths to their lives. They can read the Scriptures\/memorize the Scriptures, but application is not always on their radar. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor me, as a young Christian guy, I felt like that was the thing I was learning: I was learning to take\u2014actually, \u201cHusbands love your wives,\u201d\/\u201c\u2026honor your parents,\u201d\u2014I was taking those things much more seriously. My Christian character, thank God, was growing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Let me pull it back, because this doesn\u2019t start after our kids get married. This whole issue starts to emerge when we see our son or our daughter starting to develop an interest in a young man or a young woman. We start to go: \u201cWho is this young man?\u201d or \u201c\u2026this young woman?\u201d Sometimes, as parents, we\u2019re a little concerned about where our children\u2019s affections are being drawn. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTake us back to the headwaters of this. When your kids are in high school or in college, and you start to see them pairing off with somebody, and you start to have concerns, what\u2019s the right approach to take, as a parent, in that situation? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Well, you\u2019ve entered into some pretty dangerous water. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle: <\/strong>When your kids are of the age to start dating, or they\u2019re off at college, they\u2019re at an age where your opinion is not quite as strong as it was when they were in elementary school. There\u2019s a lot of resistance. Especially, if you\u2019re trying to describe the one that they care about in unfavorable or negative terms, they start to bristle real badly about that. You\u2019ll find that the relationship that you have with your son or daughter begins to diminish because they care for this person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe more that you talk about that, the more distance will come between you and your future daughter- and son-in-law. The thing gets more and more complicated the closer they get to the marital ceremony. Then afterwards is where the real break begins, when that son-in-law or that daughter-in-law says: \u201cWe are not going to get together at family meetings,\u201d or \u201cWe\u2019re not going to share the grandchildren,\u201d or \u201cWe\u2019re going to this or that.\u201d It makes things just very, very difficult.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I\u2014Bob, and Dave, and Ann\u2014I\u2019m a real believer in premarital counselling. But I think a lot of the premarital counselling focuses on the couple\u2014and that\u2019s good news; right?\u2014we should do that, but this is an additional piece that I think is really significant. They need to talk about what happens in relation to your mother- and father-in-law: \u201cWhat does that love look like?\u2014what does that respect look like?\u201d Those things come out in the premarital context. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> If you\u2019re a parent\u2014you\u2019re just talking about that\u2014and you\u2019re watching your daughter or son start to date somebody that shows real signs of being toxic: maybe addictions, or uncontrolled anger, control. You see this, as a mom and dad; what do you do? You just said, \u201cMan, if you step into it, it can really cause\u2026\u201d; so you can\u2019t just step <em>out<\/em> of it; there\u2019s that <em>tension<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What would you counsel a parent to do?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Well, I have a section in my book on the preventative resources that are available to people; because a dad and mom don\u2019t always communicate effectively with their son or daughter,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> \u2014at this age, about things like this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014and almost <em>can\u2019t<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> \u2014and almost can\u2019t.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014because of who they are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I mean, a young person\/an adolescent, whether they\u2019re in their late teens\/early 20s, they are wanting to demonstrate to themselves and to others: \u201cI\u2019m my own person.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor mom and dad to come and say, \u201cHere\u2019s what we think,\u201d it\u2019s almost like, \u201cWell, then I have to think differently to be my own person.\u201d This is where\u2014I thought this was a great insight in your book\u2014you\u2019re saying mom and dad need to lean into a broader community and get some mentor help.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> That\u2019s right; that\u2019s the protective resources\/the preventative or protective resources\u2014a good mentor, a youth leader, someone from Cru<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, someone from this or that, a pastor, a counsellor\u2014these are people [who] need to come into this relationship, and they help describe and define what the relationship really looks like in a way that\u2019s more receivable by the kids. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think that\u2019s a very important <em>piece<\/em> of where this thing goes\u2014because if the parents are out front\u2014I\u2019ve had parents say things to their kids, pre-[married], that those kids have <em>never<\/em> forgotten into the marriage. They hold those things against mom and dad; and that\u2019s the distance that we, as Christian parents, don\u2019t want. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Now that I\u2019m older, and I\u2019ve\u2014and a lot of my friends\u2019 kids are now getting married\/or even in high school, and they\u2019re dating someone\u2014the mom will describe this <em>horrible<\/em> relationship that their son or daughter is in; and they\u2019re expressing that to their son or daughter, like, \u201cYou shouldn\u2019t be dating them.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve said, \u201cBe very, very careful with what you\u2019re saying; because they could end up marrying that person\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right; that\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cand you have no idea what the future brings.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would pray before you have those conversations, because they\u2019re not always received readily. They can\/kids can really push back. You\u2019re right; I\u2019ve seen that. Sometimes, if those words are spoken, they are <em>never<\/em> forgotten\u2014even if the parent comes back and, \u201cI shouldn\u2019t have said that,\u201d\u2014but it\u2019s still hard.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Even Christian families and Christian people that are suffering, like we\u2019re talking\u2014when something is said, they can say, \u201cI forgive you,\u201d or they can say, \u201cI confess that I did wrong,\u201d\u2014but those things are burned in the brain; and they\u2019re still there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yet, in some ways, I\u2019m sitting here\u2014obviously, as the dad, thinking again, as a parent\u2014\u201cHow do you not say the wrong thing?\u201d Like you said, you\u2019ve got to be so careful; maybe you <em>shouldn\u2019t<\/em> say anything. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, at the end of the day, you sort of have to trust that there\u2019s a God that can speak into that. I\u2019m literally thinking of my own experience, growing up. I was dating a girl I had no reason to marry. Guess who told me that? \u2014my mom\/single mom, who I love. I know she\u2019s praying about this; but she said to me several times, \u201cI don\u2019t think she\u2019s the one.\u201d It was just like you said, Bob, before; it\u2019s like, \u201cOkay; if you say that, then she <em>is<\/em> the one.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I know she was <em>praying<\/em>\u2014because I wasn\u2019t listening to <em>her<\/em>\u2014that God would somehow show me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> As I look back now, I\u2019m sitting here, literally, going, \u201cOh, my goodness!\u201d I remember I was going to see her at her college; I was at a different school. I bump into her sister\/younger sister; and she says to me, \u201cHey, my sister\u2019s not who you think she is,\u201d\u2014blew it off!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I was at a New Year\u2019s Eve <em>party<\/em>; this stranger dude walks up to me <em>at<\/em> the party, close to midnight. My girlfriend had just gone to the bathroom, so she\u2019s not standing beside me. He goes, \u201cDude, I respect you; I believe you\u2019re a good guy. You should <em>not<\/em> marry that girl. She is <em>not<\/em> who you think she is.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m looking back now. God\u2019s given me sign after sign until the day I walk in and surprise her in her dorm room and catch her with another guy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s when I went, \u201cOh, my goodness!\u201d Now, I\u2019m like, \u201cMy mom tried to tell me three years before!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right; <em>strangers<\/em> tried to tell you. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Yes, right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I mean, and I\u2019m sitting beside the most incredible woman <em>ever<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve said this, as a preacher, many times, \u201cIf I would have made the choice to marry her,\u201d\u2014now I don\u2019t know this 100 percent\u2014\u201cbut I would bet 98 percent, we\u2019re divorced; because who she was\u2014was not the woman of character I thought she was\u2014and I [wouldn\u2019t] even [be] here right now. My entire legacy, every job I\u2019ve ever had, <em>everything<\/em> would have been changed by that <em>one<\/em> decision.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> My mom told me, and I wouldn\u2019t listen. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s kind of depressing, as parents,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014that we have no power\/that we have no say. So what should we do as parents? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> I can tell you that I\u2019m a hard head; I\u2019m a stubborn hard head. [Laughter] If my dad or my mom would have said, \u201cDon\u2019t marry Nancy,\u201d it wouldn\u2019t have worked.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> If Nancy\u2019s parents would have said, \u201cDon\u2019t marry that flat-head guy,\u201d [Laughter] that would <em>not<\/em> have worked. It would have put us closer together. I think we have to be realistic and understand the <em>limits<\/em> of what we can do, as parents, with adult kids. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We had the opportunity to interview R.C. Sproul, the famous author and theologian, who has now gone to heaven. We found out, before we did the interview, that his son, R.C., Jr., had been engaged to an unbeliever at one point prior to his getting married. R.C., Jr. eventually married\u2014broke off the engagement\u2014married someone else. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe asked R.C. about that; we said, \u201cWhat was it like for you and your wife Vesta when your son is now engaged to be married to somebody who is not a believer?\u201d He said, \u201cWell, Vesta wore out the rug in the bedroom with her knees; she was praying passionately.\u201d He said, \u201cI knew well enough that I better not say too much, but I needed to say something.\u201d He said, \u201cI went to my son and I said, \u2018Son, remember who you are.\u2019\u201d He didn\u2019t mean: \u201cYou\u2019re a Sproul\u201d; he meant\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> \u201cYou\u2019re a believer.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cYou\u2019re a believer. You\u2019re a child of God. Remember who you are.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe had the opportunity to talk to his son and say, \u201cDo you remember that conversation?\u201d R.C., Jr., said, \u201cThat stuck with me.\u201d He said, \u201cI know he was being cautious not to say too much,\u201d\u2014because just like we\u2019ve confessed here\u2014if he\u2019d have said too much, R.C., Jr., would have bowed his back a little bit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> One of our sons was dating a girl. Dave and I do marriage stuff, so we see <em>all<\/em> these red flags. She was a <em>great<\/em> girl, but there were just some things that we thought\/you can just foresee the future of what <em>could<\/em> happen in this. I was praying; I would <em>fast<\/em>. When people talk about this, I\u2019m like, \u201cHave you fasted about this for your child?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was fasting, and the son calls. He\u2019s on his way to see this girl in college. He said, \u201cMom, I just feel like we\u2019re [girlfriend and he] always fighting; I feel like this stuff\u2019s going on.\u201d Then he said the magic words, \u201cWhat do <em>you<\/em> think?\u201d [Laughter] I\u2019m like, \u201cOh, <em>finally<\/em> you asked me!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cI can say something.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, but I\u2019m super cautious. I say that little prayer in my head, \u201cLord, help me to know how to say this in a way that it can be received.\u201d I asked him a few questions. I said, \u201cDo you feel like this fighting is something\u2014like you guys are in the honeymoon-stage of just dating; this is the fun part\u2014has this been going on for a while that you\u2019re continually fighting?\u201d I think asking those questions is a good thing, to let them come up with the answer. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe says, \u201cYes, it feels like we\u2019re <em>always<\/em> doing that. I said, \u201cDo you think that it would get <em>better<\/em> when you get married, or do you think it could get <em>worse<\/em> with all the strain that you have with kids and jobs?\u201d He goes, \u201cOh, yes, it would probably be <em>harder<\/em>.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said, \u201cWell, I think those are some things to think about; because as somebody that\u2019s been married a while, I\u2019m telling you that the stress and strain of life\/that just pushes on your marriage and your relationship. I think those are things to just think about and pray about. But you\u2019ve got a great head on your shoulders, and I know you\u2019re praying; so I\u2019m sure that you\u2019ll make the right decision.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey broke up. [Laughter] \u201cThank you, Jesus!\u201d I\u2019m not saying she wasn\u2019t a great girl, but I\u2019m saying it probably would have been <em>hard<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019ve got to speak to this; because there are some folks, who are listening, and they\u2019re saying, \u201cWe had those conversations\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cand they got married. Our daughter married an unbeliever,\u201d or \u201cHe said he was a believer,\u201d or\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cHe\u2019s toxic.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cThey\u2019re believers, and now they\u2019ve got problems.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes, parents have got to be really careful; Doyle, you speak to this in the book. I\u2019ve seen parents, who\u2014now, it almost becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy\u2014and they find themselves saying [in a knowing tone], \u201cThis is what I thought was going to happen.\u201d It's almost justification or validation. Instead of parents, at the point, pivoting and saying, \u201cNo, I\u2019ve got to be here to help this marriage endure,\u201d they\u2019re almost like, \u201cI need this marriage to fail so that I\u2019m vindicated.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; \u201cI <em>told<\/em> you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Yes; right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> If parents are in a situation, where a son or a daughter has married somebody, and it\u2019s not been what you wanted, and they <em>knew<\/em> it wasn\u2019t what you wanted, how can the mom and dad start to do some repair work and try to build it as healthy as possible, going forward?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Well, I think you\u2019ve got to stay below the radar. I think you\u2019ve got to be able to encourage them, love them, come alongside of them. But I think you better be careful correcting them. I think you step too far into the weeds if you\u2019re talking about their marriage. If they <em>invite<\/em> you to do something like that, that\u2019s one thing. If they are not inviting you to help them with their marriage, I would stay away from that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, that\u2019s so <em>hard<\/em>! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> In fact, even if they <em>ask<\/em> me, I would be careful; I\u2019d be careful about doing that. It\u2019s so <em>hard<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You would? Even if they ask you, you\u2019d be careful?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> I would be careful. I would, again, recommend that they find somebody to talk to; because you\u2019re prejudiced. The mom and dad are prejudiced; they\u2019ve got their kid involved here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We\u2019re biased. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> Our kids are really at risk in these things. My goal is to try to encourage parents to see <em>their<\/em> child as the ultimate win: \u201cKeep the relationship with your child; keep that functioning. Talk with them about the blessings of what\u2019s going on in their lives. Try to connect with your child, continually, because that\u2019s really what this is about.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA toxic person wants to break that relationship; they want to pull you away from that. That\u2019s why a lot of isolation goes on; they try to isolate your son or daughter <em>from<\/em> the parents. They try to win that argument; I don\u2019t think it\u2019s healthy to be a part of that argument. I think it\u2019s better to be an example of what God wants us to be\u2014in love and affection for them\u2014and stay strong. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Is that what\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> I have a saying in my book; and I say it over and over again: \u201cSmile; keep your mouth shut, and pray.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> That\u2019s the basic thing. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Is that what your in-laws did?\u2014because you were that guy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> They did, and that\u2019s why I dedicated the book to them. They walked a very, very difficult line; and they smiled; they kept their mouth shut, and they prayed. I might add that they fixed roast a lot on Sunday mornings. [Laughter] They had a cowboy\u2019s heart when they did that. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>There\u2019s some hope there, because your in-laws had a son-in-law that they were concerned about; and over time, God did a work. That\u2019s what our listeners need to hear, wherever you are on this continuum\u2014whether you\u2019re on the front end, and your son or daughter is heading headlong into a relationship that you\u2019re concerned about; or whether they\u2019ve already gotten married, and now you\u2019re starting to see the red flags\u2014God is still God. He\u2019s in the business of transforming, bringing beauty from ashes, making all things new.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> He can do that with relationships and with marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I would say, \u201cWear out the rug.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong> \u201cWear out the rug\u201d; that\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes, and maybe get a copy of Doyle\u2019s book and read through this together. <em>Pray<\/em> through this book is what I\u2019d say. We\u2019re making Doyle\u2019s book available this week to those of you, who are regular <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners, who want to help <em>extend<\/em> the reach of this ministry through a donation. When you help us reach more people, more often, through your donations, we want to help you by providing resources like Doyle\u2019s book, <em>Toxic Sons- and Daughters-in-Law: Untangling Difficult Relationships<\/em>. You can order the book from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can receive a copy of the book when you make a donation to help support the mission of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> to help us effectively develop godly marriages and families that change the world one home at a time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYour financial support extends the <em>reach<\/em> of this ministry. You make it possible for us to reach more people, more often. In fact, when you donate, there are hundreds of thousands of people every day who benefit from the practical biblical help and hope they receive from this radio program\/from this podcast. Thank you, in advance, for whatever you\u2019re able to do; and be sure to ask for your copy of Doyle Roth\u2019s book, <em>Toxic Sons- and Daughters-in-Law<\/em>, as our thank-you gift in exchange for your donation. Donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or donate by calling 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne other quick note: I want to remind you that we have an event coming up next month that many of you are going to be interested in. It\u2019s a virtual event; it\u2019s our 2021 <em>Blended and Blessed<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae <\/sup><\/em>event for couples, who are in blended families or stepfamilies. This is set for April 24<sup>th<\/sup>. You can get more information about how you can view this in your home or in your church. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information. It\u2019s a one-day event on a Saturday, April 24<sup>th<\/sup>; starts at 8:30 in the morning, Central Time, and wraps up about 3:30 in the afternoon. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, get more information when you go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com; there\u2019s a link there. If you\u2019re in a blended family, or if your church has a lot of blended families in it, consider hosting this event as a help to couples who are facing challenges in the dynamic of their blended family. Again, more information online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to continue our conversation with Doyle Roth about how we deal with disruptive sons- or daughters-in-law when they come into a family and it fractures things; what do we do? We\u2019ll continue that conversation tomorrow. I hope you can join us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch. We got some help from Bruce Goff this week; also, I want to thank our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/306771","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=306771"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=306771"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=306771"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=306771"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=306771"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=306771"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=306771"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}