{"id":306743,"date":"2021-02-23T07:00:04","date_gmt":"2021-02-23T12:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/hopeful-or-hopeless\/"},"modified":"2021-02-23T07:00:04","modified_gmt":"2021-02-23T12:00:04","slug":"hopeful-or-hopeless","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/hopeful-or-hopeless\/","title":{"rendered":"Hopeful or Hopeless?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Marshall Segal, a writer and managing editor for DesiringGod.org, knows that most singles want to get married. But how do they prepare for that day, especially when they&#8217;re not dating? Segal encourages young women to wait on the Lord and keep their eyes open for men who love godliness. You want a man to love Jesus first and foremost. No one is calling you to be joyful about singleness, but joy can still be found in the presence of Christ.<\/p>\n<p>Show Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tDownload FamilyLife&#8217;s new app! https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/<br \/>\n \tFind resources from this podcast at https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130.<br \/>\n \tCheck out all that&#8217;s available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.\u00a0 https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Marshall Segal knows that most singles want to get married. Segal encourages young women to wait on the Lord and keep their eyes open for men who love godliness.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-02-23.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:25:25","filesize":"23.27M","filesize_raw":"24404186","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2817,2867,2822],"tags":[2644],"podcast_series":[8265],"cwp_profile":[9518],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306743","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-choosing-a-spouse","category-church-involvement","category-growing-in-your-faith","tag-singleness","podcast_series-not-yet-married","cwp_profile-marshall-segal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306743\/hopeful-or-hopeless","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306743\/hopeful-or-hopeless","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"e0pmZ3eL0U\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/hopeful-or-hopeless\/\">Hopeful or Hopeless?<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/hopeful-or-hopeless\/embed\/#?secret=e0pmZ3eL0U\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Hopeful or Hopeless?&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"e0pmZ3eL0U\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":[""],"audio_file":["https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-02-23.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The average age at which young people are marrying today\u2014it\u2019s 29 for young men; 27 \u00bd for young women\u2014why are these young people waiting so long to marry? Marshall Segal says it\u2019s because many of them are disillusioned about marriage.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> And I think divorce is the  factor here\u2014that more and more young people are coming from homes, where the only picture of marriage that they\u2019ve known up close, is really hard\/really painful; probably the most painful thing in their history. They\u2019re looking at that and they\u2019re saying, \u201cWait. Why would I want all of that? Why would I want to walk into that kind of pain? Why would I sign up for that?\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, February 23<sup>rd<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. What can young singles do to deal with the ambivalence they feel about marriage? We\u2019re going to talk about that today with Marshall Segal. Stay with us.\n\nAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. We\u2019re talking about singleness this week, although Marshall Segal, who\u2019s joining us, doesn\u2019t talk about it as singleness. You picked the phrase, the title of your book, <em>Not Yet Married<\/em>, because you think singles need to be thinking in those terms; right?\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yes, so that\u2019s a great question. I\u2019ve gotten a lot of push-back on the phrase, as you might imagine.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes, right.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> I understand it, and I probably would have pushed back on it\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014as a single person.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u2014as a single person\u2014or at least, earlier in my single years\u2014because it <em>seems<\/em>, on the surface, to identify you or define you by what you\u2019re <em>not<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> And I think that\u2019s the weakness in the phrase. That\u2019s something I had to wrestle with; for five years, I wrestled with: \u201cIs this a helpful way of talking?\u201d\n\nI have four reasons, if you don\u2019t mind me giving\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019ll let you give your four reasons; but let me, first, introduce you to our listeners. Marshall is a writer and managing editor at <em>Desiring God<\/em>, lives in Minneapolis. He is <em>now<\/em> married and has written this book called <em>Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in Singleness &amp; Dating<\/em>.\n\nSo what were your four reasons?\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yes, so I\u2019ll give the four. The first one is: I believe that there are <em>many<\/em> single people in the church who really, really, really want to be married. Just culturally\u2014in America, at least\u2014people are getting married later and later. And so I think there are a <em>lot<\/em> of young people in the church, who are getting married later than they thought, and now starting to wonder, at 28, 29, 30, 35: \u201cAm I <em>ever<\/em> going to get married?\u201d\n\nAnd so I do think, while some people are going to be put off, initially, by the phrase, I hope some people\u2014I think, in my better moments\u2014I would have seen it and resonated with it, that: \u201cI want it! I want it so bad!\u201d I\u2019ve wanted for as long as I knew what marriage was\/what a husband and wife were; watching mom and dad: \u201cI want that.\u201d\n\nSecondly, I  believe\u2014and the trends are hard to follow exactly where this is going, but I still believe\u2014that <em>most<\/em> single people in the  especially, are going to get married one day, even if that\u2019s not totally on their radar right now. And I think, for an increasing number of single people in the church, it\u2019s not on the radar.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> But I still believe they\u2019re going to get married one day\u2014that\u2019s for biblical reasons\u2014and then, just from experience\/just watching; eventually wanting to experience marriage, have children, and things like that.\n\nSo, if the <em>majority<\/em> are going to get married, I think it\u2019s a fine way of talking about singleness, to say, \u201cEven if you\u2019re not thinking about this right now, and you don\u2019t even really want to think about this right now, you probably should be preparing yourself, in a way, in Christ, that if God calls you to this\u2014probably in a way that you didn\u2019t expect\u2014that you\u2019d be ready for it; that you\u2019re not stuck, at that moment\u2014at 27, 28, 29\u2014on your heels, trying to think about, \u2018How will I fulfil this calling God\u2019s put on my life?\u2019\u201d\n\nThird, I think there\u2019s an increasing number of young people\u2014and this is just anecdotally from my experience working with young people\u2014that are disillusioned with marriage. And I think divorce is the biggest factor here. More and more young people are coming from homes\/broken homes, where the only picture of marriage that they\u2019ve known up close is really hard\/really painful; probably the most painful thing in their history. They\u2019re looking at that, and they\u2019re saying: \u201cWait! Why would I want all of that? Why would I want to walk into that kind of pain and regret? Why would I sign up for that after everything that I\u2019ve seen?\u201d\n\nAnd then, the fourth reason may be the most important for me; and that\u2019s\n\nRevelation  which says, \u201cLet us rejoice and exalt and give Him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and His bride has made herself ready.\u201d And so, we are <em>all<\/em> not yet married. If you are in Christ, you will be married one day.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> It will <em>blow<\/em> away\u2014that day will <em>blow away<\/em>\u2014whatever your <em>wildest<\/em>  dream is; whatever your wildest ideas of what marriage could be. Even if you\u2019re married\u2014your happiest, fullest, richest marriages\u2014that marriage will blow us away. I want\u2014whether your desires are for marriage or not, whether you feel <em>called<\/em> to marriage or not\u2014I  your life to be shaped by that day\/by that wedding day.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019ve already talked this week about the pitfalls of the dating experience: your pitfalls\/the issues couples go through before they get married.\n\nI\u2019m thinking of the group\u2014and I meet these people all the time\u2014who <em>long<\/em> to be married, and  just nothing happening. It\u2019s guys, who will say, \u201cI ask girls out and they say, \u2018No.\u2019\u201d It\u2019s women, who say, \u201cI\u2019m trying to do all the right things and be in all the right places. And, by the way, what I\u2019m observing is that guys are more attracted to the less-godly women than they are to me.\u201d It\u2019s this lonely single, longing to be married, and hopeless. That\u2019s a pretty desperate place for people to be.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> How would you  them? What would you say?\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yes; there\u2019s a lot to say. First thing I would say to a sister in Christ, who says, \u201cAll the Christian men don\u2019t seem to be attracted to godliness but seem to be attracted to physical beauty and less-godly women.\u201d I would say, \u201cI\u2019m so thankful that God spared you that man.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> At least, at this season. If you\u2019re going to marry and be committed to someone for decades\u2014to love them, day in and day out, you want them to <em>love godliness<\/em>. You want them to love you, first and foremost; because you love the Lord your God with all heart and soul and mind and strength. Don\u2019t ever compromise that. If a hundred men come and go, not interested in the least, because they\u2019re not attracted to your faith in Christ, good riddance! Let those men go on to whatever woman they would go to. You <em>wait<\/em> on the Lord for someone who will love the Lord, more than they love you, and who will encourage you to do the same.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Here\u2019s what you\u2019re saying in that: you\u2019re saying that marriage to a guy, who doesn\u2019t love godliness, will be harder than singleness feels to you today. You don\u2019t realize that; because you think, \u201cThat\u2019s going to fill in some of the gaps for me,\u201d but the loneliest people I know are people, who are lonely<em> in <\/em>marriage, not people who are lonely outside of marriage.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> That\u2019s so important!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, I can remember, a few years ago, I was preaching on the guy you want to marry\/these qualities. You know, I listed them in a sermon about marriage. It was to singles; I remember saying, \u201cIf you\u2019re single, and you\u2019re a woman, and you\u2019re dating a guy, and he doesn\u2019t have these qualities, I have one word for you.\u201d Guess what it was? \u201c<em>Run!\u201d<\/em> [Laughter] I yelled it: \u201c<em>Run!<\/em>\u201d\n\nYou know, I can see a few of them sort of looking at me, like, \u201cYes, but I\u2019m going to\u2026\u201d \u201cHe\u2019s going to\u2026\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cThat\u2019s what you think! You\u2019re going to change him after you get married.\u201d Of course, they do in some ways; but the percentage is, \u201cNo, they really don\u2019t. You get what you <em>got<\/em>, so don\u2019t <em>settle<\/em>.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, I can\u2019t tell you the many, many, many women that I\u2019ve talked to that have settled; that were so desperate\/lonely; wanted to be married, thinking, \u201cI can change him. I can get him to become more godly, and he <em>will<\/em> walk with Jesus when he\u2019s married to me.\u201d And they have been <em>miserable<\/em> at \n\nNow, can God work and do a miracle?\u2014absolutely! But it feels even <em>more<\/em> lonely when you\u2019re sleeping beside someone, where you are disconnected; and it can be miserable.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> And that\u2019s why I think it\u2019s important\u2014one thing that\u2019s important to say to single people is: \u201cSpend some time with married people.\u201d It\u2019s countercultural; at least, in my experience, you just don\u2019t find a lot of young 20-something people prioritizing time with families in their church, for instance.\n\nJust a word to families: \u201cIf you are married, look for ways to invite single people into your home; because if they can see the dynamics in your marriage, some of the things that they\u2019ve heard in principle will begin to make sense in ways that they never have before. But they need to see it.\u201d And in the opposite way, if you spend a lot of time with married people, you\u2019ll see the dysfunction. If you spend hours with Faye and [me], you\u2019re going to see dysfunction; because all of us are sinful; all of us are dysfunctional. Seeing the dysfunction will help you understand and appreciate how important these principles for dating are: to value the right things\/to look for the right things.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I remember, in college\u2014just became a follower of Christ\u2014and there was a young man, actually married, on the campus that was pouring into me. You know, you think it\u2019s got to be a missionary or a pastor. No; this was a <em>student,<\/em> who was a couple of years older\u2014married; lived in married housing\u2014and he invited me over, as a brand-new Christian, to have dinner with their family.\n\nIt\u2019s exactly what you said. I could take you to that apartment; because I remember being <em>marked<\/em>, thinking, as I got in my car to drive back to my dorm, \u201cI think I\u2019ve just witnessed the first Christian marriage I\u2019ve ever seen in my life.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It gave me a vision of: \u201cThat\u2019s the kind of woman I want. I\u2019m <em>not<\/em> going to settle for anything different, and I want a marriage like I just saw.\u201d They were about: \u201cBring these students in here. Show them what Christ can do; what Christ does.\u201d\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, I remember when you were telling <em>me<\/em>. Dave and I started dating, and he talked about this couple on campus. He said, \u201cI want what they have, and what they have is Jesus in the middle of their relationship. I\u2019ve never experienced that before, and I want <em>us<\/em> to have that.\u201d\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Right, and that\u2019s because we treat Jesus like a box to check in our dating process.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u201cHe says he\u2019s a Christian,\u201d\u2014\u201cGreat!\u201d \u201cNow we\u2019re working on chemistry: \u2018Am I physically attracted?\u2019 \u2018Is he funny?\u2019 \u2018Is he going to make a lot of money?\u2019\u201d There are so many other boxes that are all the world\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So true!\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u2014like anyone in the world checks.\n\nWe try to check Jesus\u2014boom!\u2014\u201cOkay, that\u2019s good. He\u2019s going to heaven, so we\u2019re going to be good on that front.\u201d\n\nI just want to say: \u201cI want Jesus to be the <em>ink<\/em> for all the boxes; like I want Him to be the main thing for the person that you might marry. And this is important!\n\n just did a Q &amp;A recently, and I was shocked! It was an hour-and-a-half Q &amp; A. There were four separate questions about dating non-believers. I was shocked by that; I just didn\u2019t expect it. I think it\u2019s the same principle, walked further:\n\nWe\u2019re talking about a guy or girl, who says, \u201cYes, I love Jesus,\u201d but then they seem to prioritize the wrong things; they\u2019re looking for the wrong things.\n\nNow, we\u2019re talking about someone, who says, \u201cI don\u2019t know who Jesus is,\u201d or \u201cI do know who Jesus is, and I don\u2019t want anything to do with Him.\u201d\n\nNow, we\u2019re trying to decide: \u201cWell, can I date this person with the hope of moving them towards Christ?\u201d It\u2019s the same kind of thing\/the same logic that walks you down that road. I just want to <em>run<\/em> the other direction, just like you said, and say, \u201cLook for someone for whom Jesus is the main thing. That will be the main ingredient in a healthy, happy marriage for decades.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019ve got listeners, who are going, \u201cYeah, yeah, yeah! I\u2019ve heard that. I\u2019m still lonely. I\u2019m still\u2026\"\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201chopeless.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \u201cI know all of this stuff, and I believe it; but what do I do about the pain of today?\u2014where I just am lonely, and want somebody to know me and to love me, and it\u2019s just not happening? And, by the way, I\u2019d like to have babies, and I don\u2019t have much time left there.\u201d\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> The Lord brought me to a place, in my mid-20s, of extraordinary brokenness\u2014and I would say\u2014loneliness. It\u2019s different from the kind of person that you\u2019re describing, so I don\u2019t want to\/I\u2019m not going to pretend to relate to somebody, who\u2019s saying, \u201cI just want a relationship. I\u2019m not scared of break-ups anymore; because I just haven\u2019t ever been in a context, where I\u2019ve been able to break up with someone.\u201d\n\nI\u2019m not going to relate to that person and understand their pain, because I started dating early and dated, really, throughout, with major breaks to pursue the Lord along the way. But I do believe the Lord brought me a different route to a similar feeling of loneliness and <em>despair<\/em>. In some ways, I felt, instead of going <em>back<\/em> to Stage One at the end of each relationship, I felt <em>further<\/em> back than Stage One. I didn\u2019t feel like I was starting over. I felt like I was another mile past the starting point each time, because it felt like: \u201cI don\u2019t want to go through this again!\u201d \u201cI don\u2019t want to make the same mistakes!\u201d \u201cI don\u2019t want to hurt anyone!\u201d \u201cI don\u2019t want someone else to hurt <em>me<\/em>!\u201d That\u2019s not to belittle the pain that someone else feels, having not been in a relationship; but just to say, \u201cI felt some of that.\u201d\n\nI do think part of the turning point for me was texts like Philippians 3\/Paul says, \u201cI count everything as loss compared to the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake, I suffered the loss of <em>all things<\/em> and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in Him.\u201d I just read, in my devotion, Psalm 27:4: \u201cOne thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after, that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all my days, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in His temple.\u201d\n\nAnd then,  took me to Martha and Mary, which I thought was interesting for today. Mary is sitting at the feet of Jesus, looking up at Him, loving Him, listening to Him. Martha\u2019s frantic; she goes to Jesus and says, \u201cJesus, can You just tell Mary to help?! Can\u2019t You see that I\u2019m working so hard, and she\u2019s just sitting there?\u201d And He says, \u201cMartha, Martha,\u201d\u2014He says her name <em>twice<\/em>.\n\nThe kind of person that\u2019s asking this question\u2014that\u2019s <em>feeling<\/em> this inner turmoil, restlessness, despair, loneliness\u2014I just want to say, \u201c<em>Bob, Bob,<\/em>\u201d\u2014He said her name twice\u2014\u201cI want you to hear this.\u201d He said, \u201cYou are anxious and troubled about <em>many<\/em> things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will <em>never<\/em> be taken away from her.\u201d\n\nThat last phrase was the new phrase for me this morning, as I thought about our time together, and about this kind of person that\u2019s asking this question and hurting deeply. I just want to say, \u201cWhat you have in Christ\u2014the one thing is necessary\u2014one thing you\u2019ve asked of the Lord and sought after\u2014that you have in Christ, by the gift of the Spirit, that will <em>never<\/em> be taken away from you.\u201d It <em>will<\/em>  these short 50, 60, 70 years are over, it will prove\u2014to be so much more precious than you realize now, even in its <em>sweetest<\/em> moments; the fellowship that you have with Christ.\n\nI know that people are wary of: \u201cUse this season to date Jesus.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u201cGo  in your relationship with Jesus.\u201d I know that! And I know that that can come across trite.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014pat answers.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u2014or pat; yes. I think those, who have tasted it\u2014and for me, I had to go low through a number of break-ups and failures to get there\u2014but those, who\u2019ve finally tasted what it means to say, \u201cOne thing I\u2019ve asked for\u2026\u201d\u2014he didn\u2019t say: \u201cI\u2019ve asked to dwell in the house all the days of my life and get married,\u201d \u201c\u2026and have a child,\u201d \u201c\u2026and have the job I wanted,\u201d \u201c\u2026and live in the city that I wanted to,\u201d \u201c\u2026and have the ministry I wanted to look a certain way and be a certain number.\u201d It says, \u201cOne thing\u2026\u201d And Jesus said to Martha, who was <em>so<\/em> <em>busy<\/em> trying to serve  was serving Jesus!\u2014\"One thing is necessary, Martha.\u201d\n\nI\u2019ve gotten a lot of help personally, in my darker days, from the story of Joseph. I wrote an article about this called \u201cLove the Life You Never Wanted.\u201d If you go back and read the Joseph story, and think about how much of his story went the way he didn\u2019t want it to go\u2014I mean, 13 years in prison for a crime he didn\u2019t commit\u2014think about that\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u2014how lonely that felt! He\u2019s not dating anybody\u2014[Laughter]\u201413 years in prison!\n\nBut it says, <em>twice<\/em>: \u201cThe Lord was with him.\u201d For me, as I read that, and then read how that whole story goes, I thought, \u201cThe good news of this story is <em>not<\/em> that Joseph becomes, you know, right-hand to the king of Egypt\/to Pharaoh. The good news of the story is that the Lord was <em>with him<\/em>.\u201d\n\nI think that, if you can start to preach that to yourself, early and often, and get around other people, who can preach that to you, knowing that the Lord is with you: \u201cHe wrote this part of your story. This story wasn\u2019t left to somebody else; He wrote this part of your story. He loves you, and He\u2019s with you.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I remember  at a conference. A very wise and godly woman was speaking\u2014Elisabeth Elliot\u2014she can lay it down, man! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Man!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> She\u2019s pretty \n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> There was a woman there that, at the end of her segment, there was a question-answer time, and this woman raised her hand. She was in her 30s; and she said, \u201cElisabeth, I\u2019m single; and I really know that God has called me to be married. I\u2019m not sure what to do in the waiting.\u201d And Elisabeth, without a second thought, said to this young woman, \u201cAre you married right now?\u201d\n\nAnd the woman said, \u201cNo, I just said I\u2019m <em>single<\/em>.\u201d She said, \u201cGod has called you to be <em>single<\/em> then. <em>Today,<\/em> you\u2019re single, and so He\u2019s equipped you and called you to be single. Live today what God has <em>called<\/em> you to be in. He has so much in store for you <em>today<\/em>. Stop looking at tomorrow, because He has something <em>today<\/em> while you\u2019re single.\u201d\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yes!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s pretty harsh.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u2014unless you think that only applies to singles. We\u2019ve talked about it already\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u2014but, in a few years, if you get married, and you\u2019re around a lot of other people that are married, you\u2019re going to start to see people\u2014husbands, or wives, or both\u2014who would <em>rather<\/em> be single.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> <em>Exactly<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong>  may not say it; but everything in the life says, \u201cI\u2019m in this, because I promised; and there\u2019s nothing else that I\u2019m going to do.\u201d And at that point, you say, \u201cYou know what? Are you married?\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> [They] say, \u201cYes.\u201d \u201cGod has called you to be married.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, and I remember\u2014it was another setting\u2014but Elisabeth Elliot said, \u201cPeople will always ask me, \u2018How do I know if I have the gift of singleness?\u2019\u201d And she\u2019ll say, \u201cWell, are you single?\u201d And they\u2019ll say, \u201cWell, yes; but I want to know if I have it like for a lifetime?\u201d She says, \u201cWell, nobody knows if you have it for a lifetime. All we know is you have it <em>today<\/em>, so you have the gift of singleness today.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong>  So be faithful in it.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cand live out the gift of singleness.\u201d\n\nBut if you want to know if you have it for a lifetime, we\u2019ll know, at the end of your lifetime, whether you have it for a lifetime. [Laughter] Don\u2019t try to forecast that for today. Yes, we\u2019d like to know.\n\nOur mutual friend, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, thought she had the gift of singleness for a lifetime until she met Robert Wolgemuth. She realized, \u201cOh, I don\u2019t.\u201d And she had to, in her late 50s, be open to God changing the direction and changing the course. And now, she has the gift of marriage.\n\nWell, I know what we\u2019ve talked about here says easy and does hard. Listeners will hear this, and they\u2019ll go, \u201cYes; I\u2019ve heard this before. It\u2019s living with it with joy that is the hard part of it.\u201d So, when the joy\u2019s not there in your singleness, any suggestions on what you do?\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yes; I would say  one of the keys is that <em>no one<\/em> is calling you to be joyful <em>about<\/em> singleness. I think that\u2019s maybe one of the things that\u2019s a misconception that gets perpetuated by well-meaning married people, giving advice\u2014like me giving advice to single people\u2014the joy is going to only be found in Jesus. And the same recipe for your joy <em>now<\/em>, no matter how long the Lord has you single, is going to be the recipe for joy in marriage.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> So this is preparation for whatever God calls you to tomorrow. If He calls you to 25, 30, 50 years of singleness, the way that you pursue joy\u2014\u201cOne thing I\u2019ve asked of the Lord\u201d\u2014the way that you pursue joy <em>now<\/em>, as you go to  prayer closet to be with the Lord, to linger in His presence\u2014and then give your life: your gifts and everything He\u2019s given you\u2014give it freely to others in the name of Jesus. The way that you pursue joy now is going to prepare you to have joy in the next season, whether it\u2019s singleness or marriage.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So here\u2019s what you\u2019re saying, and I think this is key: \u201cIf today, you say, \u2018Okay; I\u2019m single. I\u2019m going to find my joy in Jesus\u2019; if you\u2019re thinking, \u2018but when I\u2019m married, then I\u2019m going to find my joy in my spouse,\u2019\u201d\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And the truth  represent three marriages\/six people. I <em>know<\/em> this about us, and I know it just from what you two have been saying, you\u2019re not finding your joy in your spouse, although she\u2019s incredible; I would say she\u2019s <em>amazing<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Thanks, honey!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t  joy in her as a single man, and I\u2019m not finding joy in her as a married man. Even though I\u2019m sure singles would say, \u201cWell, it\u2019s easy for you to say, because you are married.\u201d It <em>is not<\/em>  it\u2019s <em>harder<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> If you don\u2019t find it as a single man, you\u2019re not going to find it as a married man. The only place you\u2019ll find it is a ruthless pursuit of Jesus!\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; we have a lot of  listeners, who listen to <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>You guys know  We have a heart for singles; because we want singles to find joy in the season that they\u2019re in, and we want them to be thinking about and preparing for that season God might have for them\u2014the season ahead\u2014if that includes marriage.\n\nI  this is what you do so well in your book, Marshall; you point people in that direction. The book Marshall has written is called <em>Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in  &amp; Dating <\/em>. We are making  book available this week to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners who can support the ongoing ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\n\nAnd, by the way, let me just say, \u201cThank you,\u201d to those of you who have been long-time supporters of this ministry. Some of you are monthly Legacy Partners. We thank you for your regular monthly support; that is such a gift to us! Those of you, who are Legacy Partners, thank you for that. And those of you who, from time to time, make a donation to support the ministry, we\u2019re grateful for your support as well. You make practical biblical help and hope available for other couples\/other families. You are investing in the lives, and marriages, and families of so many people every time you donate to support <em>FamilyLife Today; <\/em>and we\u2019re grateful for the partnership.\n\nAgain, when you donate today, we want to invite you to request your copy of Marshall Segal\u2019s book, <em>Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in Singleness &amp; Dating<\/em>.  our thank-you gift to you when you make a donation. You can do that, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. Again, the website: FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call to donate: 1-800-358-6329; 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\nAnd we hope you can join us, again, tomorrow when we\u2019re going to talk about Marshall Segal\u2019s story of his courtship, and how he met his wife, and what you guys went through\/the issues you went through as you began to think about marriage. That all comes tomorrow. I hope our listeners can join us for that.\n\nI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with some help we got today from Bruce Goff and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> of Little  Arkansas;\n\na Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the \n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. 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});\";s:18:\"current_block_list\";a:17:{i:0;s:14:\"uagb\/container\";i:1;s:12:\"core\/heading\";i:2;s:9:\"core\/html\";i:3;s:10:\"core\/group\";i:6;s:21:\"uagb\/advanced-heading\";i:7;s:14:\"uagb\/separator\";i:8;s:14:\"uagb\/icon-list\";i:9;s:20:\"uagb\/icon-list-child\";i:10;s:11:\"core\/search\";i:13;s:18:\"core\/legacy-widget\";i:16;s:10:\"uagb\/image\";i:17;s:17:\"core\/social-links\";i:18;s:16:\"core\/social-link\";i:19;s:14:\"core\/paragraph\";i:20;s:30:\"meta-box\/fl-conditional-blocks\";i:21;s:12:\"uagb\/buttons\";i:22;s:18:\"uagb\/buttons-child\";}s:8:\"uag_flag\";b:1;s:11:\"uag_version\";i:1776492196;s:6:\"gfonts\";a:1:{s:7:\"Default\";a:2:{s:10:\"fontfamily\";s:7:\"Default\";s:12:\"fontvariants\";a:0:{}}}s:10:\"gfonts_url\";s:71:\"\/\/fonts.googleapis.com\/css?family=Default&subset=latin&display=fallback\";s:12:\"gfonts_files\";a:0:{}s:14:\"uag_faq_layout\";b:0;}"]},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Marshall Segal knows that most singles want to get married. Segal encourages young women to wait on the Lord and keep their eyes open for men who love godliness.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The average age at which young people are marrying today\u2014it\u2019s 29 for young men; 27 \u00bd for young women\u2014why are these young people waiting so long to marry? Marshall Segal says it\u2019s because many of them are disillusioned about marriage.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> And I think divorce is the  factor here\u2014that more and more young people are coming from homes, where the only picture of marriage that they\u2019ve known up close, is really hard\/really painful; probably the most painful thing in their history. They\u2019re looking at that and they\u2019re saying, \u201cWait. Why would I want all of that? Why would I want to walk into that kind of pain? Why would I sign up for that?\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, February 23<sup>rd<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. What can young singles do to deal with the ambivalence they feel about marriage? We\u2019re going to talk about that today with Marshall Segal. Stay with us.\n\nAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. We\u2019re talking about singleness this week, although Marshall Segal, who\u2019s joining us, doesn\u2019t talk about it as singleness. You picked the phrase, the title of your book, <em>Not Yet Married<\/em>, because you think singles need to be thinking in those terms; right?\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yes, so that\u2019s a great question. I\u2019ve gotten a lot of push-back on the phrase, as you might imagine.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes, right.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> I understand it, and I probably would have pushed back on it\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014as a single person.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u2014as a single person\u2014or at least, earlier in my single years\u2014because it <em>seems<\/em>, on the surface, to identify you or define you by what you\u2019re <em>not<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> And I think that\u2019s the weakness in the phrase. That\u2019s something I had to wrestle with; for five years, I wrestled with: \u201cIs this a helpful way of talking?\u201d\n\nI have four reasons, if you don\u2019t mind me giving\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019ll let you give your four reasons; but let me, first, introduce you to our listeners. Marshall is a writer and managing editor at <em>Desiring God<\/em>, lives in Minneapolis. He is <em>now<\/em> married and has written this book called <em>Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in Singleness &amp; Dating<\/em>.\n\nSo what were your four reasons?\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yes, so I\u2019ll give the four. The first one is: I believe that there are <em>many<\/em> single people in the church who really, really, really want to be married. Just culturally\u2014in America, at least\u2014people are getting married later and later. And so I think there are a <em>lot<\/em> of young people in the church, who are getting married later than they thought, and now starting to wonder, at 28, 29, 30, 35: \u201cAm I <em>ever<\/em> going to get married?\u201d\n\nAnd so I do think, while some people are going to be put off, initially, by the phrase, I hope some people\u2014I think, in my better moments\u2014I would have seen it and resonated with it, that: \u201cI want it! I want it so bad!\u201d I\u2019ve wanted for as long as I knew what marriage was\/what a husband and wife were; watching mom and dad: \u201cI want that.\u201d\n\nSecondly, I  believe\u2014and the trends are hard to follow exactly where this is going, but I still believe\u2014that <em>most<\/em> single people in the  especially, are going to get married one day, even if that\u2019s not totally on their radar right now. And I think, for an increasing number of single people in the church, it\u2019s not on the radar.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> But I still believe they\u2019re going to get married one day\u2014that\u2019s for biblical reasons\u2014and then, just from experience\/just watching; eventually wanting to experience marriage, have children, and things like that.\n\nSo, if the <em>majority<\/em> are going to get married, I think it\u2019s a fine way of talking about singleness, to say, \u201cEven if you\u2019re not thinking about this right now, and you don\u2019t even really want to think about this right now, you probably should be preparing yourself, in a way, in Christ, that if God calls you to this\u2014probably in a way that you didn\u2019t expect\u2014that you\u2019d be ready for it; that you\u2019re not stuck, at that moment\u2014at 27, 28, 29\u2014on your heels, trying to think about, \u2018How will I fulfil this calling God\u2019s put on my life?\u2019\u201d\n\nThird, I think there\u2019s an increasing number of young people\u2014and this is just anecdotally from my experience working with young people\u2014that are disillusioned with marriage. And I think divorce is the biggest factor here. More and more young people are coming from homes\/broken homes, where the only picture of marriage that they\u2019ve known up close is really hard\/really painful; probably the most painful thing in their history. They\u2019re looking at that, and they\u2019re saying: \u201cWait! Why would I want all of that? Why would I want to walk into that kind of pain and regret? Why would I sign up for that after everything that I\u2019ve seen?\u201d\n\nAnd then, the fourth reason may be the most important for me; and that\u2019s\n\nRevelation  which says, \u201cLet us rejoice and exalt and give Him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and His bride has made herself ready.\u201d And so, we are <em>all<\/em> not yet married. If you are in Christ, you will be married one day.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> It will <em>blow<\/em> away\u2014that day will <em>blow away<\/em>\u2014whatever your <em>wildest<\/em>  dream is; whatever your wildest ideas of what marriage could be. Even if you\u2019re married\u2014your happiest, fullest, richest marriages\u2014that marriage will blow us away. I want\u2014whether your desires are for marriage or not, whether you feel <em>called<\/em> to marriage or not\u2014I  your life to be shaped by that day\/by that wedding day.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019ve already talked this week about the pitfalls of the dating experience: your pitfalls\/the issues couples go through before they get married.\n\nI\u2019m thinking of the group\u2014and I meet these people all the time\u2014who <em>long<\/em> to be married, and  just nothing happening. It\u2019s guys, who will say, \u201cI ask girls out and they say, \u2018No.\u2019\u201d It\u2019s women, who say, \u201cI\u2019m trying to do all the right things and be in all the right places. And, by the way, what I\u2019m observing is that guys are more attracted to the less-godly women than they are to me.\u201d It\u2019s this lonely single, longing to be married, and hopeless. That\u2019s a pretty desperate place for people to be.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> How would you  them? What would you say?\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yes; there\u2019s a lot to say. First thing I would say to a sister in Christ, who says, \u201cAll the Christian men don\u2019t seem to be attracted to godliness but seem to be attracted to physical beauty and less-godly women.\u201d I would say, \u201cI\u2019m so thankful that God spared you that man.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> At least, at this season. If you\u2019re going to marry and be committed to someone for decades\u2014to love them, day in and day out, you want them to <em>love godliness<\/em>. You want them to love you, first and foremost; because you love the Lord your God with all heart and soul and mind and strength. Don\u2019t ever compromise that. If a hundred men come and go, not interested in the least, because they\u2019re not attracted to your faith in Christ, good riddance! Let those men go on to whatever woman they would go to. You <em>wait<\/em> on the Lord for someone who will love the Lord, more than they love you, and who will encourage you to do the same.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Here\u2019s what you\u2019re saying in that: you\u2019re saying that marriage to a guy, who doesn\u2019t love godliness, will be harder than singleness feels to you today. You don\u2019t realize that; because you think, \u201cThat\u2019s going to fill in some of the gaps for me,\u201d but the loneliest people I know are people, who are lonely<em> in <\/em>marriage, not people who are lonely outside of marriage.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> That\u2019s so important!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, I can remember, a few years ago, I was preaching on the guy you want to marry\/these qualities. You know, I listed them in a sermon about marriage. It was to singles; I remember saying, \u201cIf you\u2019re single, and you\u2019re a woman, and you\u2019re dating a guy, and he doesn\u2019t have these qualities, I have one word for you.\u201d Guess what it was? \u201c<em>Run!\u201d<\/em> [Laughter] I yelled it: \u201c<em>Run!<\/em>\u201d\n\nYou know, I can see a few of them sort of looking at me, like, \u201cYes, but I\u2019m going to\u2026\u201d \u201cHe\u2019s going to\u2026\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cThat\u2019s what you think! You\u2019re going to change him after you get married.\u201d Of course, they do in some ways; but the percentage is, \u201cNo, they really don\u2019t. You get what you <em>got<\/em>, so don\u2019t <em>settle<\/em>.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, I can\u2019t tell you the many, many, many women that I\u2019ve talked to that have settled; that were so desperate\/lonely; wanted to be married, thinking, \u201cI can change him. I can get him to become more godly, and he <em>will<\/em> walk with Jesus when he\u2019s married to me.\u201d And they have been <em>miserable<\/em> at \n\nNow, can God work and do a miracle?\u2014absolutely! But it feels even <em>more<\/em> lonely when you\u2019re sleeping beside someone, where you are disconnected; and it can be miserable.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> And that\u2019s why I think it\u2019s important\u2014one thing that\u2019s important to say to single people is: \u201cSpend some time with married people.\u201d It\u2019s countercultural; at least, in my experience, you just don\u2019t find a lot of young 20-something people prioritizing time with families in their church, for instance.\n\nJust a word to families: \u201cIf you are married, look for ways to invite single people into your home; because if they can see the dynamics in your marriage, some of the things that they\u2019ve heard in principle will begin to make sense in ways that they never have before. But they need to see it.\u201d And in the opposite way, if you spend a lot of time with married people, you\u2019ll see the dysfunction. If you spend hours with Faye and [me], you\u2019re going to see dysfunction; because all of us are sinful; all of us are dysfunctional. Seeing the dysfunction will help you understand and appreciate how important these principles for dating are: to value the right things\/to look for the right things.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I remember, in college\u2014just became a follower of Christ\u2014and there was a young man, actually married, on the campus that was pouring into me. You know, you think it\u2019s got to be a missionary or a pastor. No; this was a <em>student,<\/em> who was a couple of years older\u2014married; lived in married housing\u2014and he invited me over, as a brand-new Christian, to have dinner with their family.\n\nIt\u2019s exactly what you said. I could take you to that apartment; because I remember being <em>marked<\/em>, thinking, as I got in my car to drive back to my dorm, \u201cI think I\u2019ve just witnessed the first Christian marriage I\u2019ve ever seen in my life.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It gave me a vision of: \u201cThat\u2019s the kind of woman I want. I\u2019m <em>not<\/em> going to settle for anything different, and I want a marriage like I just saw.\u201d They were about: \u201cBring these students in here. Show them what Christ can do; what Christ does.\u201d\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, I remember when you were telling <em>me<\/em>. Dave and I started dating, and he talked about this couple on campus. He said, \u201cI want what they have, and what they have is Jesus in the middle of their relationship. I\u2019ve never experienced that before, and I want <em>us<\/em> to have that.\u201d\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Right, and that\u2019s because we treat Jesus like a box to check in our dating process.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u201cHe says he\u2019s a Christian,\u201d\u2014\u201cGreat!\u201d \u201cNow we\u2019re working on chemistry: \u2018Am I physically attracted?\u2019 \u2018Is he funny?\u2019 \u2018Is he going to make a lot of money?\u2019\u201d There are so many other boxes that are all the world\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So true!\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u2014like anyone in the world checks.\n\nWe try to check Jesus\u2014boom!\u2014\u201cOkay, that\u2019s good. He\u2019s going to heaven, so we\u2019re going to be good on that front.\u201d\n\nI just want to say: \u201cI want Jesus to be the <em>ink<\/em> for all the boxes; like I want Him to be the main thing for the person that you might marry. And this is important!\n\n just did a Q &amp;A recently, and I was shocked! It was an hour-and-a-half Q &amp; A. There were four separate questions about dating non-believers. I was shocked by that; I just didn\u2019t expect it. I think it\u2019s the same principle, walked further:\n\nWe\u2019re talking about a guy or girl, who says, \u201cYes, I love Jesus,\u201d but then they seem to prioritize the wrong things; they\u2019re looking for the wrong things.\n\nNow, we\u2019re talking about someone, who says, \u201cI don\u2019t know who Jesus is,\u201d or \u201cI do know who Jesus is, and I don\u2019t want anything to do with Him.\u201d\n\nNow, we\u2019re trying to decide: \u201cWell, can I date this person with the hope of moving them towards Christ?\u201d It\u2019s the same kind of thing\/the same logic that walks you down that road. I just want to <em>run<\/em> the other direction, just like you said, and say, \u201cLook for someone for whom Jesus is the main thing. That will be the main ingredient in a healthy, happy marriage for decades.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019ve got listeners, who are going, \u201cYeah, yeah, yeah! I\u2019ve heard that. I\u2019m still lonely. I\u2019m still\u2026\"\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201chopeless.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \u201cI know all of this stuff, and I believe it; but what do I do about the pain of today?\u2014where I just am lonely, and want somebody to know me and to love me, and it\u2019s just not happening? And, by the way, I\u2019d like to have babies, and I don\u2019t have much time left there.\u201d\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> The Lord brought me to a place, in my mid-20s, of extraordinary brokenness\u2014and I would say\u2014loneliness. It\u2019s different from the kind of person that you\u2019re describing, so I don\u2019t want to\/I\u2019m not going to pretend to relate to somebody, who\u2019s saying, \u201cI just want a relationship. I\u2019m not scared of break-ups anymore; because I just haven\u2019t ever been in a context, where I\u2019ve been able to break up with someone.\u201d\n\nI\u2019m not going to relate to that person and understand their pain, because I started dating early and dated, really, throughout, with major breaks to pursue the Lord along the way. But I do believe the Lord brought me a different route to a similar feeling of loneliness and <em>despair<\/em>. In some ways, I felt, instead of going <em>back<\/em> to Stage One at the end of each relationship, I felt <em>further<\/em> back than Stage One. I didn\u2019t feel like I was starting over. I felt like I was another mile past the starting point each time, because it felt like: \u201cI don\u2019t want to go through this again!\u201d \u201cI don\u2019t want to make the same mistakes!\u201d \u201cI don\u2019t want to hurt anyone!\u201d \u201cI don\u2019t want someone else to hurt <em>me<\/em>!\u201d That\u2019s not to belittle the pain that someone else feels, having not been in a relationship; but just to say, \u201cI felt some of that.\u201d\n\nI do think part of the turning point for me was texts like Philippians 3\/Paul says, \u201cI count everything as loss compared to the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake, I suffered the loss of <em>all things<\/em> and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in Him.\u201d I just read, in my devotion, Psalm 27:4: \u201cOne thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after, that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all my days, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in His temple.\u201d\n\nAnd then,  took me to Martha and Mary, which I thought was interesting for today. Mary is sitting at the feet of Jesus, looking up at Him, loving Him, listening to Him. Martha\u2019s frantic; she goes to Jesus and says, \u201cJesus, can You just tell Mary to help?! Can\u2019t You see that I\u2019m working so hard, and she\u2019s just sitting there?\u201d And He says, \u201cMartha, Martha,\u201d\u2014He says her name <em>twice<\/em>.\n\nThe kind of person that\u2019s asking this question\u2014that\u2019s <em>feeling<\/em> this inner turmoil, restlessness, despair, loneliness\u2014I just want to say, \u201c<em>Bob, Bob,<\/em>\u201d\u2014He said her name twice\u2014\u201cI want you to hear this.\u201d He said, \u201cYou are anxious and troubled about <em>many<\/em> things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will <em>never<\/em> be taken away from her.\u201d\n\nThat last phrase was the new phrase for me this morning, as I thought about our time together, and about this kind of person that\u2019s asking this question and hurting deeply. I just want to say, \u201cWhat you have in Christ\u2014the one thing is necessary\u2014one thing you\u2019ve asked of the Lord and sought after\u2014that you have in Christ, by the gift of the Spirit, that will <em>never<\/em> be taken away from you.\u201d It <em>will<\/em>  these short 50, 60, 70 years are over, it will prove\u2014to be so much more precious than you realize now, even in its <em>sweetest<\/em> moments; the fellowship that you have with Christ.\n\nI know that people are wary of: \u201cUse this season to date Jesus.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u201cGo  in your relationship with Jesus.\u201d I know that! And I know that that can come across trite.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014pat answers.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u2014or pat; yes. I think those, who have tasted it\u2014and for me, I had to go low through a number of break-ups and failures to get there\u2014but those, who\u2019ve finally tasted what it means to say, \u201cOne thing I\u2019ve asked for\u2026\u201d\u2014he didn\u2019t say: \u201cI\u2019ve asked to dwell in the house all the days of my life and get married,\u201d \u201c\u2026and have a child,\u201d \u201c\u2026and have the job I wanted,\u201d \u201c\u2026and live in the city that I wanted to,\u201d \u201c\u2026and have the ministry I wanted to look a certain way and be a certain number.\u201d It says, \u201cOne thing\u2026\u201d And Jesus said to Martha, who was <em>so<\/em> <em>busy<\/em> trying to serve  was serving Jesus!\u2014\"One thing is necessary, Martha.\u201d\n\nI\u2019ve gotten a lot of help personally, in my darker days, from the story of Joseph. I wrote an article about this called \u201cLove the Life You Never Wanted.\u201d If you go back and read the Joseph story, and think about how much of his story went the way he didn\u2019t want it to go\u2014I mean, 13 years in prison for a crime he didn\u2019t commit\u2014think about that\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u2014how lonely that felt! He\u2019s not dating anybody\u2014[Laughter]\u201413 years in prison!\n\nBut it says, <em>twice<\/em>: \u201cThe Lord was with him.\u201d For me, as I read that, and then read how that whole story goes, I thought, \u201cThe good news of this story is <em>not<\/em> that Joseph becomes, you know, right-hand to the king of Egypt\/to Pharaoh. The good news of the story is that the Lord was <em>with him<\/em>.\u201d\n\nI think that, if you can start to preach that to yourself, early and often, and get around other people, who can preach that to you, knowing that the Lord is with you: \u201cHe wrote this part of your story. This story wasn\u2019t left to somebody else; He wrote this part of your story. He loves you, and He\u2019s with you.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I remember  at a conference. A very wise and godly woman was speaking\u2014Elisabeth Elliot\u2014she can lay it down, man! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Man!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> She\u2019s pretty \n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> There was a woman there that, at the end of her segment, there was a question-answer time, and this woman raised her hand. She was in her 30s; and she said, \u201cElisabeth, I\u2019m single; and I really know that God has called me to be married. I\u2019m not sure what to do in the waiting.\u201d And Elisabeth, without a second thought, said to this young woman, \u201cAre you married right now?\u201d\n\nAnd the woman said, \u201cNo, I just said I\u2019m <em>single<\/em>.\u201d She said, \u201cGod has called you to be <em>single<\/em> then. <em>Today,<\/em> you\u2019re single, and so He\u2019s equipped you and called you to be single. Live today what God has <em>called<\/em> you to be in. He has so much in store for you <em>today<\/em>. Stop looking at tomorrow, because He has something <em>today<\/em> while you\u2019re single.\u201d\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yes!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s pretty harsh.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u2014unless you think that only applies to singles. We\u2019ve talked about it already\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u2014but, in a few years, if you get married, and you\u2019re around a lot of other people that are married, you\u2019re going to start to see people\u2014husbands, or wives, or both\u2014who would <em>rather<\/em> be single.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> <em>Exactly<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong>  may not say it; but everything in the life says, \u201cI\u2019m in this, because I promised; and there\u2019s nothing else that I\u2019m going to do.\u201d And at that point, you say, \u201cYou know what? Are you married?\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> [They] say, \u201cYes.\u201d \u201cGod has called you to be married.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, and I remember\u2014it was another setting\u2014but Elisabeth Elliot said, \u201cPeople will always ask me, \u2018How do I know if I have the gift of singleness?\u2019\u201d And she\u2019ll say, \u201cWell, are you single?\u201d And they\u2019ll say, \u201cWell, yes; but I want to know if I have it like for a lifetime?\u201d She says, \u201cWell, nobody knows if you have it for a lifetime. All we know is you have it <em>today<\/em>, so you have the gift of singleness today.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong>  So be faithful in it.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cand live out the gift of singleness.\u201d\n\nBut if you want to know if you have it for a lifetime, we\u2019ll know, at the end of your lifetime, whether you have it for a lifetime. [Laughter] Don\u2019t try to forecast that for today. Yes, we\u2019d like to know.\n\nOur mutual friend, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, thought she had the gift of singleness for a lifetime until she met Robert Wolgemuth. She realized, \u201cOh, I don\u2019t.\u201d And she had to, in her late 50s, be open to God changing the direction and changing the course. And now, she has the gift of marriage.\n\nWell, I know what we\u2019ve talked about here says easy and does hard. Listeners will hear this, and they\u2019ll go, \u201cYes; I\u2019ve heard this before. It\u2019s living with it with joy that is the hard part of it.\u201d So, when the joy\u2019s not there in your singleness, any suggestions on what you do?\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yes; I would say  one of the keys is that <em>no one<\/em> is calling you to be joyful <em>about<\/em> singleness. I think that\u2019s maybe one of the things that\u2019s a misconception that gets perpetuated by well-meaning married people, giving advice\u2014like me giving advice to single people\u2014the joy is going to only be found in Jesus. And the same recipe for your joy <em>now<\/em>, no matter how long the Lord has you single, is going to be the recipe for joy in marriage.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> So this is preparation for whatever God calls you to tomorrow. If He calls you to 25, 30, 50 years of singleness, the way that you pursue joy\u2014\u201cOne thing I\u2019ve asked of the Lord\u201d\u2014the way that you pursue joy <em>now<\/em>, as you go to  prayer closet to be with the Lord, to linger in His presence\u2014and then give your life: your gifts and everything He\u2019s given you\u2014give it freely to others in the name of Jesus. The way that you pursue joy now is going to prepare you to have joy in the next season, whether it\u2019s singleness or marriage.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So here\u2019s what you\u2019re saying, and I think this is key: \u201cIf today, you say, \u2018Okay; I\u2019m single. I\u2019m going to find my joy in Jesus\u2019; if you\u2019re thinking, \u2018but when I\u2019m married, then I\u2019m going to find my joy in my spouse,\u2019\u201d\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And the truth  represent three marriages\/six people. I <em>know<\/em> this about us, and I know it just from what you two have been saying, you\u2019re not finding your joy in your spouse, although she\u2019s incredible; I would say she\u2019s <em>amazing<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Thanks, honey!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t  joy in her as a single man, and I\u2019m not finding joy in her as a married man. Even though I\u2019m sure singles would say, \u201cWell, it\u2019s easy for you to say, because you are married.\u201d It <em>is not<\/em>  it\u2019s <em>harder<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> If you don\u2019t find it as a single man, you\u2019re not going to find it as a married man. The only place you\u2019ll find it is a ruthless pursuit of Jesus!\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; we have a lot of  listeners, who listen to <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>You guys know  We have a heart for singles; because we want singles to find joy in the season that they\u2019re in, and we want them to be thinking about and preparing for that season God might have for them\u2014the season ahead\u2014if that includes marriage.\n\nI  this is what you do so well in your book, Marshall; you point people in that direction. The book Marshall has written is called <em>Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in  &amp; Dating <\/em>. We are making  book available this week to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners who can support the ongoing ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\n\nAnd, by the way, let me just say, \u201cThank you,\u201d to those of you who have been long-time supporters of this ministry. Some of you are monthly Legacy Partners. We thank you for your regular monthly support; that is such a gift to us! Those of you, who are Legacy Partners, thank you for that. And those of you who, from time to time, make a donation to support the ministry, we\u2019re grateful for your support as well. You make practical biblical help and hope available for other couples\/other families. You are investing in the lives, and marriages, and families of so many people every time you donate to support <em>FamilyLife Today; <\/em>and we\u2019re grateful for the partnership.\n\nAgain, when you donate today, we want to invite you to request your copy of Marshall Segal\u2019s book, <em>Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in Singleness &amp; Dating<\/em>.  our thank-you gift to you when you make a donation. You can do that, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. Again, the website: FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call to donate: 1-800-358-6329; 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\nAnd we hope you can join us, again, tomorrow when we\u2019re going to talk about Marshall Segal\u2019s story of his courtship, and how he met his wife, and what you guys went through\/the issues you went through as you began to think about marriage. That all comes tomorrow. I hope our listeners can join us for that.\n\nI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with some help we got today from Bruce Goff and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> of Little  Arkansas;\n\na Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the \n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. 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