{"id":306741,"date":"2021-02-22T07:00:05","date_gmt":"2021-02-22T12:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/dating-with-purpose\/"},"modified":"2021-02-22T07:00:05","modified_gmt":"2021-02-22T12:00:05","slug":"dating-with-purpose","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/dating-with-purpose\/","title":{"rendered":"Dating With Purpose"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Author Marshall Segal explains what it means to live and date with purpose. Segal, who is a husband and father now, reflects on his single years and the lessons he learned while pursuing love and marriage. Admittedly, he jumped into the dating game way too early, stayed in relationships way too long, and crossed a few boundaries sexually. Eventually he learned how to do it right. Segal takes a moment to coach parents whose teens are eager to date.<\/p>\n<p>Show Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tDownload FamilyLife&#8217;s new app! https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/<br \/>\n \tFind resources from this podcast at https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130.<br \/>\n \tCheck out all that&#8217;s available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.\u00a0 https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Author Marshall Segal explains what it means to live and date with purpose. Segalreflects on his single years and the lessons he learned while pursuing love and marriage.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-02-22.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:34:34","filesize":"31.65M","filesize_raw":"33190950","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2817,2867,2822],"tags":[2644],"podcast_series":[8265],"cwp_profile":[9518],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306741","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-choosing-a-spouse","category-church-involvement","category-growing-in-your-faith","tag-singleness","podcast_series-not-yet-married","cwp_profile-marshall-segal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306741\/dating-with-purpose","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306741\/dating-with-purpose","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"Dt2oYTsXbS\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/dating-with-purpose\/\">Dating With Purpose<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/dating-with-purpose\/embed\/#?secret=Dt2oYTsXbS\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Dating With Purpose&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"Dt2oYTsXbS\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":[""],"audio_file":["https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-02-22.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>If you come into a dating relationship with a past, a past that you\u2019ve never shared with your current boyfriend or girlfriend, and that relationship starts heading toward marriage, do you tell them about your past?\u2014and how much do you tell? Here\u2019s how Marshall Segal answers that question.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> I think the gospel frees us: \u201cThere is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.\u201d The gospel <em>frees<\/em> us to be honest about our failures, our weaknesses, our flaws. If we\u2019re <em>not<\/em> willing to be that with someone that we\u2019re dating, that\u2019s probably not going to change just because you make promises at the altar.\n\n<em>Nothing<\/em> is more important in marriage, apart from Christ, than trust and honesty in those things; so I think it\u2019s really helpful, and it\u2019s a way of cultivating in dating, the kind of honesty, transparency, trust that marriage runs on.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, February 22<sup>nd<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. We\u2019re going to talk today about the challenges facing people who are not yet married today\u2014that\u2019s the title of a book by our guest, Marshall Segal, who joins us\u2014stay with us.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. So you have a lot of not-yet marrieds at Kensington Church?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We have a lot of them!\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Do you?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think we hear it quite often\u2014like, you know, one of the things Ann and I do, regularly, is a marriage series.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And the singles will say, \u201cHey! What about us?\u201d So, yes, you hear that. Although, we think, \u201cHey! This is <em>for <\/em>you!\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Exactly.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But often they don\u2019t see it that way.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think often that singles in our church can feel forgotten\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014and not\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> When you planted the church 30 years ago, I\u2019m guessing that the singles were younger singles; and they\u2019re older singles today. Would that be right?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think we have an array of all different ages, 20s to 60s. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You know, I\u2019m laughing because I\u2019m thinking, \u201cWe\u2019re so old; we don\u2019t remember!\u201d [Laughter] But, yes, when we started, we had 43 people. That means there was somebody that was single\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014because you\u2019ve got an odd number. Of course, that counted dogs, cats,\u2014trees, bushes, everything; you know? [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay; alright. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014trees, bushes, everything, you know. But yes. It\u2019s an eclectic group still today, but they\u2019re a <em>dominant<\/em> <em>force<\/em>. That\u2019s why I\u2019m excited to talk about this.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014an important force.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> They are an important force. We\u2019ve got Marshall Segal here to talk with us about it today.\n\nMarshall, welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Thank you for having me; excited to be here.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Marshall is a writer and managing editor at DesiringGod.org, which many of us appreciate and have benefitted from; and are so grateful for the <em>huge<\/em> archive of books, and sermons, and articles, and videos. I love the <em>Ask Pastor John<\/em> videos you guys make available, so thanks for all you do.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Well, thank you. Praise God! It\u2019s great to get to hear what God\u2019s doing through the resources. We\u2019re thankful.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Marshall has written a called <em>Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in Singleness &amp; Dating<\/em>. You\u2019re married, so did this come out of <em>years<\/em> of singleness for you?\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yes, absolutely; yes. I say, in the introduction, that it\u2019s strange the book came out after I was married. People questioned, \u201c<em>Not Yet Married, <\/em>but\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201c\u2014you are!\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201c\u2014you are!\u201d\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u201c\u2014you already are!\u201d It did; it came from really a decade of reflection, starting right as I was graduating from college, all the way up until getting married. Then after\/I finished writing the book after I got married. I was just reflecting on what I felt God was doing over those years\u2014back into the teen years, high school, college, after college\u2014and what He was teaching me.\n\nAs I started to write those lessons out, the process was long. It was five years, probably, in the making. The book did come out after I was married. I\u2019m really grateful actually, because I think it put some closure on that season for me in a way that I could look back and really feel like I could put the book forward in a way that feels like I could close that chapter and try to explain what God had done.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Let me ask you about that season. As you look back on the start of high school to \u201cI do,\u201d\u2014\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014okay?\u2014give yourself a number grade, 1-10. How would you say you did during your single years?\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yes, thanks for asking. I can\u2019t give a number from that whole range, but I could say high school would have been 2 or 3.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> College, 3 or 4. Then college, there was a really big awakening for me in my pursuit of the Lord: discovering what it meant to enjoy Jesus, treasure Him, find Him as my greatest satisfaction, look to Him for happiness and significance and love. From there on out, it got a lot stronger fast, and then deepened as eventually, I met Faye\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> as we walked through some of the lessons I had learned. I got to learn a lot from her in the process too. I don\u2019t know how to rank that season. I look at it really fondly\u2014[Laughter]\u2014getting to meet her and getting to know her.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, the trajectory was good\u2014from high school all the way\u2014you were moving in the right direction.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> It didn\u2019t get <em>worse<\/em>!\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s good.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> It didn\u2019t get as much better as I would have hoped.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Why were the numbers so low in high school and college?\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> I jumped into dating really early. Really, middle school was what I would consider a first serious relationship\u2014sixth grade.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Serious?!\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Really?\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> I can look back and remember calling a girl regularly. We said we were \u201cboyfriend and girlfriend.\u201d We never went on a date but\u2014and I\u2019m not even sure what my parents, at the time, <em>knew<\/em> that relationship; they knew we were friends\u2014they probably didn\u2019t think much of it. But then, from there on out, a serious girlfriend a year\u2014seventh grade, eighth grade, ninth grade, tenth grade\u2014different girls each time, and varying levels of un-health in those relationships, but immaturity.\n\nI say in the book: \u201cI don\u2019t think people should date until they can marry, at least, within a reasonable time.\u201d That\u2019s because we\u2019re just not ready in terms of life\u2014and so falling into all kinds of traps that there are for dating\u2014dating too early, staying in relationships too long, treating a young woman\u2019s heart cavalierly, experimenting physically, sexual immorality. The trend through was that my heart wasn\u2019t yet anchored in Christ in a way that would allow me to selflessly <em>love<\/em> somebody else. I\u2019m ashamed of the way that I treated some young women in those years.\n\nAs Faye and I have processed this, and I write about it in the book, there\u2019s a day\u2014we started dating May 1, 2013. We had dated for a year, long-distance. Long-distance, it takes longer to get to know each other.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, how old were you?\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> I would have been 26.\n\nA year later, I had decided I needed to explain\/share more of my history with her before we moved forward any more. I could tell there [were] things developing in the relationship: I was having affections for her, and falling in love with her, and wanting to marry her, and wanting her to love me and marry me. But I <em>knew<\/em> if we were going to trust each other, I needed to be really clear and honest about things in the past so that we could process that together and give her an opportunity to say, \u201cI can\u2019t trust you in light of those things.\u201d\n\nMay 1<sup>st<\/sup>, we started dating, 2013. May 2, 2014\u2014so almost exactly a year later, I\u2019m visiting in California. I talk about this in the book, but I can remember\u2014I could take you to the place on the beach where we had this conversation. It took me 30 minutes to try to get the umbrella into the sand to stick it in the sand. [Laughter] I couldn\u2019t do it! I was so nervous already about the conversation.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Wow.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Then it was windy, so I eventually just laid it down on the ground\u2014[Laughter]\u2014a white flag of surrender. But then, I proceeded to share about the last ten years or so\/ten or fifteen years, just the layers of brokenness and ways that I had sinned against her long before I even knew her. But ways that I felt intensely now\u2014knowing her, and admiring her, and falling in love with her, and practicing sexual purity with her\u2014I <em>knew<\/em> that she needed to these things.\n\nI shared about it, and it fell really <em>heavily<\/em> on her. I could <em>feel <\/em>the emotion of it. And yet, she\u2019ll describe it today, if people ask her about it, she just felt a <em>wave<\/em> like\u2014unlike she\u2019d ever felt before\u2014a \u201cwave of grace\u201d come over her. She was able, through tears in that moment, to extend a forgiveness that has endured to this day. To this day, despite us having to work through some of the pain\/the consequences of sin\u2014sin <em>always <\/em>hurts; <em>always <\/em>has consequences!\u2014so we still have to, to this day, we\u2019re still working through some of those things. But <em>never <\/em>have I felt that she has withheld the forgiveness that she granted me that day.\n\nWhen we talk the past, I talk about it in two ways; and I think it is true to talk about it in two ways. One, someone will ask, \u201cIf you\u2019d go back and do it again,\u201d\u2014just like you were talking about\u2014\u201cwould you do it again differently?\u201d Absolutely!!\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> No question in my mind! If I could go back again\u2014knowing what I know now about Christ, about the Bible, about heaven and hell, about my joy in Him, about Faye\u2014if I could go back now and do those years, <em>knowing<\/em>, \u201cYou\u2019re going to meet this woman; you\u2019re going to love this woman. You\u2019re going to spend the rest of your life with this woman,\u201d\u2014I would do <em>almost everything <\/em>differently in my dating life.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> <em>But<\/em> if you ask Faye, \u201cDo you wish he did it differently?\u201d she would say, \u201cYes, but I wouldn\u2019t trade any of it. I wouldn\u2019t trade any of it.\u201d She believes, and we believe, that we have experienced <em>more<\/em> of God on <em>this<\/em> road\/the road that we\u2019ve walked, including my broken past, than we would have experienced any other way. It wasn\u2019t a Plan B for God; there would have been a Plan A\/a better version, where we would have experienced more of Him if I had done things differently. Both need to be said.\n\nIf you have <em>not<\/em> made the mistakes that I\u2019ve made in relationships, I <em>plead <\/em>with the Lord that you wouldn\u2019t\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u2014that He would <em>rescue<\/em> you from you wouldn\u2019t be drawn into the things that so many are drawn into in dating. But if you have a past, don\u2019t for a second believe Satan and think that those years were wasted\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u2014that God can\u2019t purpose those for ways to make you a <em>better<\/em> spouse, a better husband\/a better wife, a better father or mother; that He can\u2019t use that in some way. Because Scripture is <em>filled <\/em>with testimonies of broken people, who God repurposed for some significant way for His glory and for the good of others.\n\nI just want to say is: \u201cIf you\u2019re ashamed of your past,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s okay; we should <em>feel<\/em> that. There\u2019s a <em>godly guilt<\/em> that we <em>feel<\/em>. Micah 7, one of my <em>favorite <\/em>verses\u2014this was\u2014if I had to where my 1-10 turned\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall: <\/strong>\u2014Micah 7 says, \u201cRejoice not over me, oh my enemy; when I fall, I shall rise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord will be a light to me. I shall bear the indignation of the Lord\u2026.\u201d That\u2019s a terrifying verse\/a terrifying phrase in there, so \u201cwhen I fall, I will rise\u2026I willbear the indignation of the Lord because I have sinned against Him, until He pleads my cause and executes judgment <em>for<\/em> me,\u201d [emphasis added] not against me.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s good.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u201cHe will bring me out the light. I shall look upon His vindication.\u201d\n\nThat was <em>life-changing<\/em> for me\u2014because it didn\u2019t brush away the past; it didn\u2019t brush away the guilt\u2014but it created a world in which I could live with hope, despite my past, and believe that <em>God was working<\/em>, that He\u2019s bringing me out into the light and He\u2019s using that in a way for my good, for Faye\u2019s good, for our son\u2019s good, for those that I serve in ministry\u2014for their good.\n\nI think it\u2019s really important how we deal with sexual history, broken past in dating or in any other area of life.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s the beauty-from-ashes principle.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And that\u2019s what God delights in doing.\n\nI think it\u2019s important for listeners to know: \u201cYou may be looking at your past and going, \u2018There\u2019s <em>so much<\/em> I\u2019m ashamed of. There\u2019s <em>so much<\/em>\u2014I\u2019ve made <em>such a mess<\/em> of\u2026\u2019\u201d\u2014whatever. The truth of the gospel is God takes whatever the mess is and makes something glorious out of it when we surrender to Him.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> For parents, how do we coach our kids, that are too young, and they\u2019re not emotionally mature, and they\u2019re not spiritually mature? You\u2019re a young dad; what are you going to say?\u2014and how will you coach your son?\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yes, I\u2019m glad I don\u2019t have to answer that question <em>quite<\/em> yet! [Laughter] I\u2019ve got ten or so years, I hope, to learn. [Laughter]\n\nI would say it\u2019s <em>not<\/em> helpful, right out of the gate\u2014there\u2019s not any relationship built; no trust built\u2014it is a <em>subjective<\/em> I wouldn\u2019t say: \u201cone year\u201d or \u201csix weeks\u201d or \u201csix months,\u201d because some relationships just operate on very different timelines.\n\nI would say my principle for questions like these is: \u201cLean hard on those who know you best, love you most, and are willing to tell you when you\u2019re <em>wrong<\/em>.\u201d That\u2019s the principle I use; obviously, I\u2019m assuming that they love Christ. But I would lean hard on a few people in your life, who are willing to say the hard thing to you\/to say, \u201cI know I need to be honest with this person, eventually, about my past. Do you think <em>now<\/em> is a good time to be honest with them, or do you think I should wait longer?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What do you the wisdom is on the <em>what<\/em> question? You just talked about <em>when<\/em>. What do you share?\u2014how much; how detailed?\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> How do you answer question?\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yes; again, it\u2019s going to be a subjective thing. But I went into the conversation with Faye, saying, \u201cI don\u2019t want anything to come up after we\u2019re married that would surprise her; so I want to share enough detail that, if the scrolls are unrolled before her when we\u2019re in marriage, that she wouldn\u2019t say, \u2018Oh, you never told me about that.\u2019\u201d\n\nI don\u2019t think that means a gratuitous amount of detail. I don\u2019t think you have to go back and explain every interaction; but frequency and kind of offense, whatever it might be. There could be a whole host of different things that might come up here in terms of brokenness in the way that could be about communication; obviously, it could be about physical intimacy and sexual immorality.\n\nI think the gospel frees us: \u201cThere is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.\u201d The gospel <em>frees<\/em> us to be honest about our failures, our weaknesses, our flaws. If we\u2019re <em>not<\/em> willing to be that with someone that we\u2019re dating, that\u2019s probably not going to change just because you make promises at the altar. <em>Nothing<\/em> is more important in marriage, apart from Christ, than trust and honesty in those things; so it\u2019s a way of cultivating, in dating, the kind of honesty, transparency, trust that marriage runs on.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Faye experienced this \u201cwave of grace.\u201d I love the term!\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Did that dissipate; like did a week or two, it\u2019s like, \u201cAhhh!\u201d you know?\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> That\u2019s what I would say: there have been days in dating and then <em>especially<\/em> in marriage\u2014you\u2019re\u2019 so much more vulnerable\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u2014to each other in have been days in marriage, where my past is <em>very hard<\/em> for her; she\u2019s honest about that. I\u2019ve encouraged her: \u201cAny time you <em>feel<\/em> <em>that<\/em>, I want to hear it.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u201cIt hurts me, because sin hurts. You\u2019re not abusing me by doing that.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> We\u2019re not afraid of that in our house; we\u2019re just not afraid to talk about hard things in the past that are affecting us now. Because we think\u2014if you\u2019re drawing those things into the light; talking about them\u2014then together, creating a rhythm of rehearsing the gospel in your home: praying together; going to the Lord with that\u2014that over time, He\u2019s going to continue to heal and build where those things are. It comes up <em>regularly<\/em> in our home.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> I say regularly; I mean, not infrequently, that she\u2019ll say, \u201cI\u2019m tempted right now to think about your past and not trust you in this moment. But I want to say that out loud, so that we can talk about it.\u201d\n\n<strong>Anne: <\/strong>She needed reassurance\u2014\n\n<strong>Marshall: <\/strong>She needed reassurance\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014yes; of your love.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u2014and Satan wants you to just quiet that\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Exactly.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u2014say, \u201cI trust him; I don\u2019t\u2026\u201d I just think <em>God loves<\/em> when we bare our hearts to Him in prayer, mainly; but then to each other in ways that allow us to stir each other up towards love and good works.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall<\/strong>: For me, to be able to say in advance: \u201cThank you so much for forgiving me the way you did. It was the <em>most tangible expression of the gospel<\/em> I\u2019ve ever experienced that afternoon on the beach,\u201d and she remembers that. She remembers what it feels like for the wave of grace to fall over her. In this moment\u2014instead of becoming a pulling of the thread of our marriage and the trust in our marriage\u2014we\u2019re <em>weaving together<\/em> instead, so it\u2019s adding to the quilt that we\u2019re making.\n\nMy other thought on that was that I think a lot of people say, \u201cDon\u2019t do things now you\u2019ll regret in marriage,\u201d which I agree. I just think a lot of young people\u2014I know for me\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> They always hear it.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u2014<em>I knew that!<\/em>\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> <em>I said it<\/em> to other people!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yet, I [wasn\u2019t] it.\n\nI one thing is that we all\u2014we all <em>love<\/em> the for instance, of sexual purity. The kind of people, who are listening, and leaning in, and reading their Bibles, and loving Jesus\u2014no one is saying, \u201cOh, I just\/sexual impurity is something\u2026\u2014they\u2019re not <em>drawn <\/em>to it as a concept. In most of our moments\u201499 percent\u2014it\u2019s like, \u201cOh, absolutely not! I want to be sexually pure. I don\u2019t want to go there.\u201d Then, these moments of weakness, where you put yourself in a bad situation: you\u2019re tired; temptation comes. Then, all of a sudden, you\u2019ve fallen into something that, 99 percent of the time, you\u2019re like, \u201cI don\u2019t want any part of that!\u201d\n\nWhere I want to bring that back to is\u2014we talked about, \u201cDon\u2019t do something now that you\u2019ll regret in marriage,\u201d\u2014which I think is a pretty vague, abstract thing for a lot of young people. Something that Faye and I practiced, that was <em>super <\/em>helpful, was that we to each other in ways that <em>assumed<\/em> we were going to marry somebody else.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh! What do you mean? What did that look like?\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> For instance, there would be conversations that we would have\u2014or if there was any temptation into sexual impurity or anything like that\u2014we might talk about\u2014she might talk about her husband: \u201cI\u2019m not going to do that, because I\u2019m reserving that for my husband,\u201d or \u201cI don\u2019t want to talk about that until I know that a man\u2019s going to be my husband.\u201d\n\nShe\u2019s not saying that, \u201c<em>You\u2019re<\/em> going to be my\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Because I think we all, as we start to date\u2014<em>every<\/em> single relationship I was in, I said, \u201cThis is the one!\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Me too!\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u201cI\u2019m going to marry her,\u201d\u2014I\u2019m 11 years old. [Laughter] Every single one, I was convinced in my mind; I\u2019m building a future, figuring out what kind of home we\u2019re going to have, and how many kids, and what life\u2019s going to be like. We build that dream out and we say: \u201cThis is going to be my husband,\u201d or \u201cThis is going to be my wife, <em>unless<\/em> we break up.\u201d\n\nI if you turn it and say: \u201cThis is <em>not<\/em> my is <em>not<\/em> my wife. My husband or my wife are waiting at the altar,\u201d and \u201cYou are not that person until you are that person\/until you make those promises with me at the altar.\u201d For <em>us<\/em>, that <em>third <\/em>person was a really helpful tool for us in making it more concrete that you\u2019re going to have to tell a husband\/a wife about this relationship one day. That helped us a lot.\n\nNow, we are, you know, 27, 28, 29; so we are not a teenager. But already, as I think about <em>my<\/em> son, that\u2019s something I want to start practicing really early\u2014is to say\u2014\u201cDon\u2019t assume that this person is your husband or wife.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, I\u2019ve never heard that explained that way.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> good; isn\u2019t it?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s a really good way to think.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, it\u2019s really good.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I was thinking even now, as a married man and a dad, think the same way: \u201cI\u2019m making decisions for my son,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m making decisions for my grandkids, not just for me.\u201d It adds a <em>gravitas<\/em> to the decision. I don\u2019t want to stand in front of my wife and kids and explain some bad decision. I want to stand before them and say, \u201cI was thinking of <em>you<\/em> when I stayed pure\/when I made this decision.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think it\u2019s clear that every 11-year-old in America needs to read <em>Not Yet Married.<\/em> [Laughter] I mean, that\u2019s who you wrote it for\u2014right?\u2014the 11-year-olds? [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> I hope some 11-year-olds read it.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It would be good for high school kids to read this or college kids to read this, or for moms and dads to take a high school son or daughter through this; go through it together. The first half of the book is about being not-yet married. The second half of the book is about when the not-yet marrieds meet, and you begin your journey toward a possible marriage.\n\nWe\u2019re making Marshall\u2019s book available this week to <em>FamilyLife<\/em> <em>Today<\/em> listeners who can help support this program with a donation. You may be thinking, \u201cThis isn\u2019t a book that I need necessarily.\u201d But I bet you can think of somebody you could give this book to as a gift. When you make a donation today to support the work of <em>FamilyLife<\/em> <em>Today<\/em>, you can request Marshall Segal\u2019s book, <em>Not Yet Married. <\/em>You can donate online; go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, to donate; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY.\n\nLet me just say\u2014your donations are what make <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> possible. In fact, it makes possible all that we do, here, at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. What you\u2019re actually giving to is the health and strength of marriages and families, not just across the country, but around the world. Every day, there are hundreds of thousands of listeners\/people online, who are interacting with us\/who are benefiting from what\u2019s available through the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. You make all of that possible every time you donate.\n\nIf God has used <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> in your own life, in your own marriage, your own family, you can pay it forward for others when you make a donation today. Again, we\u2019ll send you a copy of Marshall Segal\u2019s book, <em>Not Yet Married, <\/em> you make your donation today. Donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY,\u201d to make your donation.\n\nDavid Robbins, who is the president of FamilyLife, is here with us. You\u2019ve talked with a lot of young couples, who have had to think through: \u201cAm I going to have this conversation?\u201d \u201cWhat do I say?\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s the right time, and how much do I share?\u201d\u2014right?\n\n<strong>David:<\/strong> Yes, it was an ever increasing conversation with 20-something couples that we were working with.\n\nBut really this conversation today\u2014I\u2019m listening to it, just going, \u201cOh, my word; I remember <em>my<\/em> conversation with Meg. I remember the restaurant and the table we were sitting at,\u201d\u2014as Marshall said, our relationship\/enough time had been there for some significant trust to happen\u2014we were at a turning point, thinking about the future. The Holy Spirit began a season of prompting me to go there with some of the mistakes in my own life.\n\nWe set up the we knew we were going to talk about it. Meg jumped in and she said, \u201cI\u2019ll go first.\u201d She goes first. She\u2019s there, crying in tears over telling one boy in her lifetime that she loves him; and she kissed him a little too much. I just go, \u201cI love your sincerity; but oh man, here I go. It\u2019s my turn.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cYou\u2019ve got a and I\u2019ve got a footlocker.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>David:<\/strong> Exactly. It can be fair to say I never fell off a cliff of where I didn\u2019t want to go by, ultimately, by the grace of God; but I brought a lot more in my locker to the table.\n\nAs I went there, and shared some of the things that really just was shame, and secret things that I held onto, I encountered the grace of God through Meg that day and forgiveness that I had really <em>never<\/em> experienced. I had experienced 1 John 1:7, in a real way, that: \u201cIf we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, cleanses us from all sin.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>David: <\/strong>The most important thing that happened that day is that it set the pattern of keeping things in the light\u2014a pattern of trusting God, and believing\/<em>running <\/em>to the light as as possible in marriage\u2014and that is <em>always<\/em> it. It was set that day; the pattern was set.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes, those conversations can be very hard conversations to have; but as I\u2019ve heard Dave and Ann Wilson say, \u201cThere is deeper intimacy on the other side of those conversations.\u201d That\u2019s good counsel; thank you, David.\n\nNow, tomorrow, we want to talk to those not-yet-marrieds who are in a lonely season; because they\u2019d like to be in a relationship; they\u2019d like to be married, but nothing seems to be happening right now. How do you find joy in your status as a not-yet-married person? We\u2019re going to talk with Marshall Segal about that tomorrow. I hope you can tune in for that.\n\nI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch. We got some help form Bruce Goff, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru <sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for Hope for tomorrow.\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> FamilyLife. 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});\";s:18:\"current_block_list\";a:17:{i:0;s:14:\"uagb\/container\";i:1;s:12:\"core\/heading\";i:2;s:9:\"core\/html\";i:3;s:10:\"core\/group\";i:6;s:21:\"uagb\/advanced-heading\";i:7;s:14:\"uagb\/separator\";i:8;s:14:\"uagb\/icon-list\";i:9;s:20:\"uagb\/icon-list-child\";i:10;s:11:\"core\/search\";i:13;s:18:\"core\/legacy-widget\";i:16;s:10:\"uagb\/image\";i:17;s:17:\"core\/social-links\";i:18;s:16:\"core\/social-link\";i:19;s:14:\"core\/paragraph\";i:20;s:30:\"meta-box\/fl-conditional-blocks\";i:21;s:12:\"uagb\/buttons\";i:22;s:18:\"uagb\/buttons-child\";}s:8:\"uag_flag\";b:1;s:11:\"uag_version\";i:1776470598;s:6:\"gfonts\";a:1:{s:7:\"Default\";a:2:{s:10:\"fontfamily\";s:7:\"Default\";s:12:\"fontvariants\";a:0:{}}}s:10:\"gfonts_url\";s:71:\"\/\/fonts.googleapis.com\/css?family=Default&subset=latin&display=fallback\";s:12:\"gfonts_files\";a:0:{}s:14:\"uag_faq_layout\";b:0;}"]},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Author Marshall Segal explains what it means to live and date with purpose. Segalreflects on his single years and the lessons he learned while pursuing love and marriage.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>If you come into a dating relationship with a past, a past that you\u2019ve never shared with your current boyfriend or girlfriend, and that relationship starts heading toward marriage, do you tell them about your past?\u2014and how much do you tell? Here\u2019s how Marshall Segal answers that question.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> I think the gospel frees us: \u201cThere is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.\u201d The gospel <em>frees<\/em> us to be honest about our failures, our weaknesses, our flaws. If we\u2019re <em>not<\/em> willing to be that with someone that we\u2019re dating, that\u2019s probably not going to change just because you make promises at the altar.\n\n<em>Nothing<\/em> is more important in marriage, apart from Christ, than trust and honesty in those things; so I think it\u2019s really helpful, and it\u2019s a way of cultivating in dating, the kind of honesty, transparency, trust that marriage runs on.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, February 22<sup>nd<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. We\u2019re going to talk today about the challenges facing people who are not yet married today\u2014that\u2019s the title of a book by our guest, Marshall Segal, who joins us\u2014stay with us.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. So you have a lot of not-yet marrieds at Kensington Church?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We have a lot of them!\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Do you?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think we hear it quite often\u2014like, you know, one of the things Ann and I do, regularly, is a marriage series.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And the singles will say, \u201cHey! What about us?\u201d So, yes, you hear that. Although, we think, \u201cHey! This is <em>for <\/em>you!\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Exactly.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But often they don\u2019t see it that way.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think often that singles in our church can feel forgotten\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014and not\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> When you planted the church 30 years ago, I\u2019m guessing that the singles were younger singles; and they\u2019re older singles today. Would that be right?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think we have an array of all different ages, 20s to 60s. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You know, I\u2019m laughing because I\u2019m thinking, \u201cWe\u2019re so old; we don\u2019t remember!\u201d [Laughter] But, yes, when we started, we had 43 people. That means there was somebody that was single\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014because you\u2019ve got an odd number. Of course, that counted dogs, cats,\u2014trees, bushes, everything; you know? [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay; alright. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014trees, bushes, everything, you know. But yes. It\u2019s an eclectic group still today, but they\u2019re a <em>dominant<\/em> <em>force<\/em>. That\u2019s why I\u2019m excited to talk about this.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014an important force.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> They are an important force. We\u2019ve got Marshall Segal here to talk with us about it today.\n\nMarshall, welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Thank you for having me; excited to be here.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Marshall is a writer and managing editor at DesiringGod.org, which many of us appreciate and have benefitted from; and are so grateful for the <em>huge<\/em> archive of books, and sermons, and articles, and videos. I love the <em>Ask Pastor John<\/em> videos you guys make available, so thanks for all you do.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Well, thank you. Praise God! It\u2019s great to get to hear what God\u2019s doing through the resources. We\u2019re thankful.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Marshall has written a called <em>Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in Singleness &amp; Dating<\/em>. You\u2019re married, so did this come out of <em>years<\/em> of singleness for you?\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yes, absolutely; yes. I say, in the introduction, that it\u2019s strange the book came out after I was married. People questioned, \u201c<em>Not Yet Married, <\/em>but\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201c\u2014you are!\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201c\u2014you are!\u201d\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u201c\u2014you already are!\u201d It did; it came from really a decade of reflection, starting right as I was graduating from college, all the way up until getting married. Then after\/I finished writing the book after I got married. I was just reflecting on what I felt God was doing over those years\u2014back into the teen years, high school, college, after college\u2014and what He was teaching me.\n\nAs I started to write those lessons out, the process was long. It was five years, probably, in the making. The book did come out after I was married. I\u2019m really grateful actually, because I think it put some closure on that season for me in a way that I could look back and really feel like I could put the book forward in a way that feels like I could close that chapter and try to explain what God had done.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Let me ask you about that season. As you look back on the start of high school to \u201cI do,\u201d\u2014\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014okay?\u2014give yourself a number grade, 1-10. How would you say you did during your single years?\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yes, thanks for asking. I can\u2019t give a number from that whole range, but I could say high school would have been 2 or 3.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> College, 3 or 4. Then college, there was a really big awakening for me in my pursuit of the Lord: discovering what it meant to enjoy Jesus, treasure Him, find Him as my greatest satisfaction, look to Him for happiness and significance and love. From there on out, it got a lot stronger fast, and then deepened as eventually, I met Faye\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> as we walked through some of the lessons I had learned. I got to learn a lot from her in the process too. I don\u2019t know how to rank that season. I look at it really fondly\u2014[Laughter]\u2014getting to meet her and getting to know her.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, the trajectory was good\u2014from high school all the way\u2014you were moving in the right direction.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> It didn\u2019t get <em>worse<\/em>!\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s good.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> It didn\u2019t get as much better as I would have hoped.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Why were the numbers so low in high school and college?\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> I jumped into dating really early. Really, middle school was what I would consider a first serious relationship\u2014sixth grade.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Serious?!\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Really?\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> I can look back and remember calling a girl regularly. We said we were \u201cboyfriend and girlfriend.\u201d We never went on a date but\u2014and I\u2019m not even sure what my parents, at the time, <em>knew<\/em> that relationship; they knew we were friends\u2014they probably didn\u2019t think much of it. But then, from there on out, a serious girlfriend a year\u2014seventh grade, eighth grade, ninth grade, tenth grade\u2014different girls each time, and varying levels of un-health in those relationships, but immaturity.\n\nI say in the book: \u201cI don\u2019t think people should date until they can marry, at least, within a reasonable time.\u201d That\u2019s because we\u2019re just not ready in terms of life\u2014and so falling into all kinds of traps that there are for dating\u2014dating too early, staying in relationships too long, treating a young woman\u2019s heart cavalierly, experimenting physically, sexual immorality. The trend through was that my heart wasn\u2019t yet anchored in Christ in a way that would allow me to selflessly <em>love<\/em> somebody else. I\u2019m ashamed of the way that I treated some young women in those years.\n\nAs Faye and I have processed this, and I write about it in the book, there\u2019s a day\u2014we started dating May 1, 2013. We had dated for a year, long-distance. Long-distance, it takes longer to get to know each other.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, how old were you?\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> I would have been 26.\n\nA year later, I had decided I needed to explain\/share more of my history with her before we moved forward any more. I could tell there [were] things developing in the relationship: I was having affections for her, and falling in love with her, and wanting to marry her, and wanting her to love me and marry me. But I <em>knew<\/em> if we were going to trust each other, I needed to be really clear and honest about things in the past so that we could process that together and give her an opportunity to say, \u201cI can\u2019t trust you in light of those things.\u201d\n\nMay 1<sup>st<\/sup>, we started dating, 2013. May 2, 2014\u2014so almost exactly a year later, I\u2019m visiting in California. I talk about this in the book, but I can remember\u2014I could take you to the place on the beach where we had this conversation. It took me 30 minutes to try to get the umbrella into the sand to stick it in the sand. [Laughter] I couldn\u2019t do it! I was so nervous already about the conversation.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Wow.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Then it was windy, so I eventually just laid it down on the ground\u2014[Laughter]\u2014a white flag of surrender. But then, I proceeded to share about the last ten years or so\/ten or fifteen years, just the layers of brokenness and ways that I had sinned against her long before I even knew her. But ways that I felt intensely now\u2014knowing her, and admiring her, and falling in love with her, and practicing sexual purity with her\u2014I <em>knew<\/em> that she needed to these things.\n\nI shared about it, and it fell really <em>heavily<\/em> on her. I could <em>feel <\/em>the emotion of it. And yet, she\u2019ll describe it today, if people ask her about it, she just felt a <em>wave<\/em> like\u2014unlike she\u2019d ever felt before\u2014a \u201cwave of grace\u201d come over her. She was able, through tears in that moment, to extend a forgiveness that has endured to this day. To this day, despite us having to work through some of the pain\/the consequences of sin\u2014sin <em>always <\/em>hurts; <em>always <\/em>has consequences!\u2014so we still have to, to this day, we\u2019re still working through some of those things. But <em>never <\/em>have I felt that she has withheld the forgiveness that she granted me that day.\n\nWhen we talk the past, I talk about it in two ways; and I think it is true to talk about it in two ways. One, someone will ask, \u201cIf you\u2019d go back and do it again,\u201d\u2014just like you were talking about\u2014\u201cwould you do it again differently?\u201d Absolutely!!\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> No question in my mind! If I could go back again\u2014knowing what I know now about Christ, about the Bible, about heaven and hell, about my joy in Him, about Faye\u2014if I could go back now and do those years, <em>knowing<\/em>, \u201cYou\u2019re going to meet this woman; you\u2019re going to love this woman. You\u2019re going to spend the rest of your life with this woman,\u201d\u2014I would do <em>almost everything <\/em>differently in my dating life.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> <em>But<\/em> if you ask Faye, \u201cDo you wish he did it differently?\u201d she would say, \u201cYes, but I wouldn\u2019t trade any of it. I wouldn\u2019t trade any of it.\u201d She believes, and we believe, that we have experienced <em>more<\/em> of God on <em>this<\/em> road\/the road that we\u2019ve walked, including my broken past, than we would have experienced any other way. It wasn\u2019t a Plan B for God; there would have been a Plan A\/a better version, where we would have experienced more of Him if I had done things differently. Both need to be said.\n\nIf you have <em>not<\/em> made the mistakes that I\u2019ve made in relationships, I <em>plead <\/em>with the Lord that you wouldn\u2019t\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u2014that He would <em>rescue<\/em> you from you wouldn\u2019t be drawn into the things that so many are drawn into in dating. But if you have a past, don\u2019t for a second believe Satan and think that those years were wasted\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u2014that God can\u2019t purpose those for ways to make you a <em>better<\/em> spouse, a better husband\/a better wife, a better father or mother; that He can\u2019t use that in some way. Because Scripture is <em>filled <\/em>with testimonies of broken people, who God repurposed for some significant way for His glory and for the good of others.\n\nI just want to say is: \u201cIf you\u2019re ashamed of your past,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s okay; we should <em>feel<\/em> that. There\u2019s a <em>godly guilt<\/em> that we <em>feel<\/em>. Micah 7, one of my <em>favorite <\/em>verses\u2014this was\u2014if I had to where my 1-10 turned\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall: <\/strong>\u2014Micah 7 says, \u201cRejoice not over me, oh my enemy; when I fall, I shall rise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord will be a light to me. I shall bear the indignation of the Lord\u2026.\u201d That\u2019s a terrifying verse\/a terrifying phrase in there, so \u201cwhen I fall, I will rise\u2026I willbear the indignation of the Lord because I have sinned against Him, until He pleads my cause and executes judgment <em>for<\/em> me,\u201d [emphasis added] not against me.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s good.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u201cHe will bring me out the light. I shall look upon His vindication.\u201d\n\nThat was <em>life-changing<\/em> for me\u2014because it didn\u2019t brush away the past; it didn\u2019t brush away the guilt\u2014but it created a world in which I could live with hope, despite my past, and believe that <em>God was working<\/em>, that He\u2019s bringing me out into the light and He\u2019s using that in a way for my good, for Faye\u2019s good, for our son\u2019s good, for those that I serve in ministry\u2014for their good.\n\nI think it\u2019s really important how we deal with sexual history, broken past in dating or in any other area of life.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s the beauty-from-ashes principle.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And that\u2019s what God delights in doing.\n\nI think it\u2019s important for listeners to know: \u201cYou may be looking at your past and going, \u2018There\u2019s <em>so much<\/em> I\u2019m ashamed of. There\u2019s <em>so much<\/em>\u2014I\u2019ve made <em>such a mess<\/em> of\u2026\u2019\u201d\u2014whatever. The truth of the gospel is God takes whatever the mess is and makes something glorious out of it when we surrender to Him.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> For parents, how do we coach our kids, that are too young, and they\u2019re not emotionally mature, and they\u2019re not spiritually mature? You\u2019re a young dad; what are you going to say?\u2014and how will you coach your son?\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yes, I\u2019m glad I don\u2019t have to answer that question <em>quite<\/em> yet! [Laughter] I\u2019ve got ten or so years, I hope, to learn. [Laughter]\n\nI would say it\u2019s <em>not<\/em> helpful, right out of the gate\u2014there\u2019s not any relationship built; no trust built\u2014it is a <em>subjective<\/em> I wouldn\u2019t say: \u201cone year\u201d or \u201csix weeks\u201d or \u201csix months,\u201d because some relationships just operate on very different timelines.\n\nI would say my principle for questions like these is: \u201cLean hard on those who know you best, love you most, and are willing to tell you when you\u2019re <em>wrong<\/em>.\u201d That\u2019s the principle I use; obviously, I\u2019m assuming that they love Christ. But I would lean hard on a few people in your life, who are willing to say the hard thing to you\/to say, \u201cI know I need to be honest with this person, eventually, about my past. Do you think <em>now<\/em> is a good time to be honest with them, or do you think I should wait longer?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What do you the wisdom is on the <em>what<\/em> question? You just talked about <em>when<\/em>. What do you share?\u2014how much; how detailed?\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> How do you answer question?\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yes; again, it\u2019s going to be a subjective thing. But I went into the conversation with Faye, saying, \u201cI don\u2019t want anything to come up after we\u2019re married that would surprise her; so I want to share enough detail that, if the scrolls are unrolled before her when we\u2019re in marriage, that she wouldn\u2019t say, \u2018Oh, you never told me about that.\u2019\u201d\n\nI don\u2019t think that means a gratuitous amount of detail. I don\u2019t think you have to go back and explain every interaction; but frequency and kind of offense, whatever it might be. There could be a whole host of different things that might come up here in terms of brokenness in the way that could be about communication; obviously, it could be about physical intimacy and sexual immorality.\n\nI think the gospel frees us: \u201cThere is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.\u201d The gospel <em>frees<\/em> us to be honest about our failures, our weaknesses, our flaws. If we\u2019re <em>not<\/em> willing to be that with someone that we\u2019re dating, that\u2019s probably not going to change just because you make promises at the altar. <em>Nothing<\/em> is more important in marriage, apart from Christ, than trust and honesty in those things; so it\u2019s a way of cultivating, in dating, the kind of honesty, transparency, trust that marriage runs on.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Faye experienced this \u201cwave of grace.\u201d I love the term!\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Did that dissipate; like did a week or two, it\u2019s like, \u201cAhhh!\u201d you know?\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> That\u2019s what I would say: there have been days in dating and then <em>especially<\/em> in marriage\u2014you\u2019re\u2019 so much more vulnerable\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u2014to each other in have been days in marriage, where my past is <em>very hard<\/em> for her; she\u2019s honest about that. I\u2019ve encouraged her: \u201cAny time you <em>feel<\/em> <em>that<\/em>, I want to hear it.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u201cIt hurts me, because sin hurts. You\u2019re not abusing me by doing that.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> We\u2019re not afraid of that in our house; we\u2019re just not afraid to talk about hard things in the past that are affecting us now. Because we think\u2014if you\u2019re drawing those things into the light; talking about them\u2014then together, creating a rhythm of rehearsing the gospel in your home: praying together; going to the Lord with that\u2014that over time, He\u2019s going to continue to heal and build where those things are. It comes up <em>regularly<\/em> in our home.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> I say regularly; I mean, not infrequently, that she\u2019ll say, \u201cI\u2019m tempted right now to think about your past and not trust you in this moment. But I want to say that out loud, so that we can talk about it.\u201d\n\n<strong>Anne: <\/strong>She needed reassurance\u2014\n\n<strong>Marshall: <\/strong>She needed reassurance\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014yes; of your love.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u2014and Satan wants you to just quiet that\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Exactly.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u2014say, \u201cI trust him; I don\u2019t\u2026\u201d I just think <em>God loves<\/em> when we bare our hearts to Him in prayer, mainly; but then to each other in ways that allow us to stir each other up towards love and good works.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall<\/strong>: For me, to be able to say in advance: \u201cThank you so much for forgiving me the way you did. It was the <em>most tangible expression of the gospel<\/em> I\u2019ve ever experienced that afternoon on the beach,\u201d and she remembers that. She remembers what it feels like for the wave of grace to fall over her. In this moment\u2014instead of becoming a pulling of the thread of our marriage and the trust in our marriage\u2014we\u2019re <em>weaving together<\/em> instead, so it\u2019s adding to the quilt that we\u2019re making.\n\nMy other thought on that was that I think a lot of people say, \u201cDon\u2019t do things now you\u2019ll regret in marriage,\u201d which I agree. I just think a lot of young people\u2014I know for me\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> They always hear it.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u2014<em>I knew that!<\/em>\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> <em>I said it<\/em> to other people!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Yet, I [wasn\u2019t] it.\n\nI one thing is that we all\u2014we all <em>love<\/em> the for instance, of sexual purity. The kind of people, who are listening, and leaning in, and reading their Bibles, and loving Jesus\u2014no one is saying, \u201cOh, I just\/sexual impurity is something\u2026\u2014they\u2019re not <em>drawn <\/em>to it as a concept. In most of our moments\u201499 percent\u2014it\u2019s like, \u201cOh, absolutely not! I want to be sexually pure. I don\u2019t want to go there.\u201d Then, these moments of weakness, where you put yourself in a bad situation: you\u2019re tired; temptation comes. Then, all of a sudden, you\u2019ve fallen into something that, 99 percent of the time, you\u2019re like, \u201cI don\u2019t want any part of that!\u201d\n\nWhere I want to bring that back to is\u2014we talked about, \u201cDon\u2019t do something now that you\u2019ll regret in marriage,\u201d\u2014which I think is a pretty vague, abstract thing for a lot of young people. Something that Faye and I practiced, that was <em>super <\/em>helpful, was that we to each other in ways that <em>assumed<\/em> we were going to marry somebody else.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh! What do you mean? What did that look like?\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> For instance, there would be conversations that we would have\u2014or if there was any temptation into sexual impurity or anything like that\u2014we might talk about\u2014she might talk about her husband: \u201cI\u2019m not going to do that, because I\u2019m reserving that for my husband,\u201d or \u201cI don\u2019t want to talk about that until I know that a man\u2019s going to be my husband.\u201d\n\nShe\u2019s not saying that, \u201c<em>You\u2019re<\/em> going to be my\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> Because I think we all, as we start to date\u2014<em>every<\/em> single relationship I was in, I said, \u201cThis is the one!\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Me too!\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> \u201cI\u2019m going to marry her,\u201d\u2014I\u2019m 11 years old. [Laughter] Every single one, I was convinced in my mind; I\u2019m building a future, figuring out what kind of home we\u2019re going to have, and how many kids, and what life\u2019s going to be like. We build that dream out and we say: \u201cThis is going to be my husband,\u201d or \u201cThis is going to be my wife, <em>unless<\/em> we break up.\u201d\n\nI if you turn it and say: \u201cThis is <em>not<\/em> my is <em>not<\/em> my wife. My husband or my wife are waiting at the altar,\u201d and \u201cYou are not that person until you are that person\/until you make those promises with me at the altar.\u201d For <em>us<\/em>, that <em>third <\/em>person was a really helpful tool for us in making it more concrete that you\u2019re going to have to tell a husband\/a wife about this relationship one day. That helped us a lot.\n\nNow, we are, you know, 27, 28, 29; so we are not a teenager. But already, as I think about <em>my<\/em> son, that\u2019s something I want to start practicing really early\u2014is to say\u2014\u201cDon\u2019t assume that this person is your husband or wife.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, I\u2019ve never heard that explained that way.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> good; isn\u2019t it?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s a really good way to think.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, it\u2019s really good.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I was thinking even now, as a married man and a dad, think the same way: \u201cI\u2019m making decisions for my son,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m making decisions for my grandkids, not just for me.\u201d It adds a <em>gravitas<\/em> to the decision. I don\u2019t want to stand in front of my wife and kids and explain some bad decision. I want to stand before them and say, \u201cI was thinking of <em>you<\/em> when I stayed pure\/when I made this decision.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think it\u2019s clear that every 11-year-old in America needs to read <em>Not Yet Married.<\/em> [Laughter] I mean, that\u2019s who you wrote it for\u2014right?\u2014the 11-year-olds? [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Marshall:<\/strong> I hope some 11-year-olds read it.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It would be good for high school kids to read this or college kids to read this, or for moms and dads to take a high school son or daughter through this; go through it together. The first half of the book is about being not-yet married. The second half of the book is about when the not-yet marrieds meet, and you begin your journey toward a possible marriage.\n\nWe\u2019re making Marshall\u2019s book available this week to <em>FamilyLife<\/em> <em>Today<\/em> listeners who can help support this program with a donation. You may be thinking, \u201cThis isn\u2019t a book that I need necessarily.\u201d But I bet you can think of somebody you could give this book to as a gift. When you make a donation today to support the work of <em>FamilyLife<\/em> <em>Today<\/em>, you can request Marshall Segal\u2019s book, <em>Not Yet Married. <\/em>You can donate online; go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, to donate; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY.\n\nLet me just say\u2014your donations are what make <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> possible. In fact, it makes possible all that we do, here, at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. What you\u2019re actually giving to is the health and strength of marriages and families, not just across the country, but around the world. Every day, there are hundreds of thousands of listeners\/people online, who are interacting with us\/who are benefiting from what\u2019s available through the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. You make all of that possible every time you donate.\n\nIf God has used <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> in your own life, in your own marriage, your own family, you can pay it forward for others when you make a donation today. Again, we\u2019ll send you a copy of Marshall Segal\u2019s book, <em>Not Yet Married, <\/em> you make your donation today. Donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY,\u201d to make your donation.\n\nDavid Robbins, who is the president of FamilyLife, is here with us. You\u2019ve talked with a lot of young couples, who have had to think through: \u201cAm I going to have this conversation?\u201d \u201cWhat do I say?\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s the right time, and how much do I share?\u201d\u2014right?\n\n<strong>David:<\/strong> Yes, it was an ever increasing conversation with 20-something couples that we were working with.\n\nBut really this conversation today\u2014I\u2019m listening to it, just going, \u201cOh, my word; I remember <em>my<\/em> conversation with Meg. I remember the restaurant and the table we were sitting at,\u201d\u2014as Marshall said, our relationship\/enough time had been there for some significant trust to happen\u2014we were at a turning point, thinking about the future. The Holy Spirit began a season of prompting me to go there with some of the mistakes in my own life.\n\nWe set up the we knew we were going to talk about it. Meg jumped in and she said, \u201cI\u2019ll go first.\u201d She goes first. She\u2019s there, crying in tears over telling one boy in her lifetime that she loves him; and she kissed him a little too much. I just go, \u201cI love your sincerity; but oh man, here I go. It\u2019s my turn.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cYou\u2019ve got a and I\u2019ve got a footlocker.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>David:<\/strong> Exactly. It can be fair to say I never fell off a cliff of where I didn\u2019t want to go by, ultimately, by the grace of God; but I brought a lot more in my locker to the table.\n\nAs I went there, and shared some of the things that really just was shame, and secret things that I held onto, I encountered the grace of God through Meg that day and forgiveness that I had really <em>never<\/em> experienced. I had experienced 1 John 1:7, in a real way, that: \u201cIf we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, cleanses us from all sin.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>David: <\/strong>The most important thing that happened that day is that it set the pattern of keeping things in the light\u2014a pattern of trusting God, and believing\/<em>running <\/em>to the light as as possible in marriage\u2014and that is <em>always<\/em> it. It was set that day; the pattern was set.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes, those conversations can be very hard conversations to have; but as I\u2019ve heard Dave and Ann Wilson say, \u201cThere is deeper intimacy on the other side of those conversations.\u201d That\u2019s good counsel; thank you, David.\n\nNow, tomorrow, we want to talk to those not-yet-marrieds who are in a lonely season; because they\u2019d like to be in a relationship; they\u2019d like to be married, but nothing seems to be happening right now. How do you find joy in your status as a not-yet-married person? We\u2019re going to talk with Marshall Segal about that tomorrow. I hope you can tune in for that.\n\nI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch. We got some help form Bruce Goff, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru <sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for Hope for tomorrow.\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> FamilyLife. 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