{"id":306699,"date":"2021-01-28T07:00:05","date_gmt":"2021-01-28T12:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/marriage-maintenance\/"},"modified":"2021-01-28T07:00:05","modified_gmt":"2021-01-28T12:00:05","slug":"marriage-maintenance","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/marriage-maintenance\/","title":{"rendered":"Marriage Maintenance"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Wouldn&#8217;t it be nice to have maintenance check-ups to make a marriage run more smoothly? Dave and Ann Wilson talk with Ron Deal about practical thoughts on creating marital sparks and keeping the fire alive.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-01-28.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:26:04","filesize":"23.87M","filesize_raw":"25025124","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2849,2885],"tags":[2877],"podcast_series":[8425],"cwp_profile":[3647,3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306699","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drifting-apart","category-good-marriages-made-better","tag-marriage","podcast_series-maintaining-a-healthy-marriage","cwp_profile-dave-and-ann-wilson","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306699\/marriage-maintenance","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306699\/marriage-maintenance","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"YQkTU74jaj\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/marriage-maintenance\/\">Marriage Maintenance<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/marriage-maintenance\/embed\/#?secret=YQkTU74jaj\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Marriage Maintenance&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"YQkTU74jaj\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-01-28.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-01-28.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When it comes to taking good care of your marriage, there\u2019s more required than simply knowing the right thing to do; you actually have to do it! Here\u2019s Ron Deal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> <a id=\"_Hlk61449113\">My wife and I know how to dance. On the FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> cruise every year, we\u2019ve learned how to ballroom dance. We get a little better at it\/a little better at it; but you know, during the pandemic, we didn\u2019t dance a lot. Like we find moments where we do, but it\u2019s kind of like you need something to kickstart that. Just because you know <em>how<\/em> doesn\u2019t mean you will.<\/a>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, January 28<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. So maybe some of us need to dust off our dancing shoes or whatever it is that promotes us-ness in your marriage. Maybe we need to find some ways to draw closer to one another. We\u2019re going to talk more about how we do that today. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. There\u2019s this illustration I\u2019ve used for years; I\u2019ve said to couples, \u201cHow would you think of your marriage differently if I told you, on the day you got married,\u201d\u2014if I told you this; I said\u2014\u201c\u2018I\u2019m going to give you a car the day you get married,\u2019\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cI\u2019m in!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cbut here\u2019s the thing\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019d like a car for my wedding gift.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014it\u2019s the best; it\u2019s a top model car; it\u2019s the car you want\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Ooh; okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cHere\u2019s the thing: \u2018It\u2019s the only car you will ever have for the rest of your life.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s good to know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cKnowing that\u201d\u2014I\u2019ve said two things\u2014\u201cnumber one, you are probably going to do a better job of taking care of this car from the get-go, saying: \u2018We better do the scheduled maintenance,\u2019 \u2018We better make sure we do everything we need to do.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cBetter not let my wife drive it.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I was thinking that we would need bigger than a two-passenger vehicle.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes, you\u2019re probably going to need\u2014not a Ferrari roadster\u2014but a minivan to start with, or maybe a Tahoe or Suburban, depending on how many kids you\u2019re going to have; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right; and you\u2019re right: we wouldn\u2019t miss any of the maintenance services.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019d get the maintenance done; and if something went wrong with the car, and you knew this is the only car we\u2019ve got, you\u2019d take it in and get it fixed because that\u2019s your only alternative. Rather than thinking, \u201cI wonder if it\u2019s time to trade the car in,\u201d you would go, \u201cI don\u2019t have a choice; this is the car I got.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right; then I would say, \u201cDid you get that lifetime warranty on the vehicle?\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But that\u2019s the point of marriage: if we thought about our marriages that way and thought, \u201cThis is the marriage I\u2019m supposed to have for the rest of my life,\u201d\u2014so knowing that\u2014\u201cI\u2019d better take better care of it from the beginning; and when something goes wrong, I don\u2019t have an alternative. I\u2019ve got to go get it fixed, because this is the only one I\u2019ve got.\u201d Rather than thinking, \u201cDo I swap this one out for another model?\u201d I fix this one. It\u2019s the one I\u2019ve been given for the rest of my life. If couples would think that way about marriage, don\u2019t you think that would cause them to start to view their relationship differently?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think so.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I <em>know<\/em> so. That\u2019s a great analogy, Bob; who\u2019d you steal that from?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I have no idea, [Laughter] but all great analogies have been borrowed from somewhere; right? You know that as well as I do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> All work and no plagiarism leads to a boring sermon. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019ve got our friend, Ron Deal, joining us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Welcome, Ron.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Thank you. I\u2019m glad I work for a God who doesn\u2019t mind if I plagiarize right out of His Bible. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s a <em>good<\/em> response.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And matter of fact, He <em>encourages<\/em> it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Anybody who\u2019s ever spoken or preached knows this: the first time you quote somebody you say, \u201cAs my friend, Ron Deal, says\u2026\u201d Then the second time, you say, \u201cAs I\u2019ve often heard\u2026\u201d [Laughter] Then the third time, you say, \u201cAs I always say\u2026\u201d [Laughter] That\u2019s kind of how that whole thing goes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon gives leadership to FamilyLife Blended<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, and is a writer and a speaker, and is here with us today because we\u2019re talking about a fundamental issue; and that is, \u201cHow do we do the work of regular oil changes, and tune-ups, and tire rotations, and alignments\u2014all of that stuff\u2014on a marriage relationship so we can keep the marriage out of the shop and have fewer breakdowns along the way?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Prevention is worth a pound, if not a thousand pounds, of cure. I had a professor in graduate school, who used to say, \u201cYou know, marriage is like the grandfather clock at the end of the hallway. If you don\u2019t go down there and wind that thing up every once in a while, it just stops working.\u201d Man, I have <em>never<\/em> forgotten that\/like, \u201cThat\u2019s part of what we do\u2014is wind up our marriages.\u201d Marriage is, by nature, entropic; it will drain itself of energy unless we go down there and wind that thing up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay; I\u2019m liking the clock better than the car; yes, I\u2019m liking it!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What?! What\u2019s wrong with my car analogy?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, I\u2019m at the table with three guys, so that would be typical; but I\u2019m kind of liking the clock.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Can we make this more like a football illustration? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> No.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You\u2019ve got to practice; you\u2019ve got to train a\u2014no. Here\u2019s what I was going to say though\u2014in both of you, when you talk about winding the clock or an oil change\u2014I think a lot of us, and I think listeners might be doing this right now, thinking: \u201cYes, my wife needs an oil change,\u201d \u201cMy husband needs an oil change.\u201d You\u2019re not thinking about the <em>marriage<\/em> as much as the <em>person<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Or you\u2019re thinking \u201cI\u2019m <em>always<\/em> the one to wind the clock.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Good point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; so I mean you do want to take your eyes off the person, whose got all these weaknesses, and [you think] you don\u2019t have any, and say, \u201cOkay, we both have weaknesses.\u201d The clock is the marriage\/the car is our marriage: \u201cHow are we going to maintain <em>that<\/em>?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And when you get a new car, there is a booklet that comes with it that\u2019s got scheduled maintenance in it. They tell you\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s in there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u20146000 miles\/12,000 miles you\u2019re supposed to do this\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Look in the glove box; it\u2019s there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> If you\u2019ve got the clock, you know that once a week, or whatever the rotation is for you, you got to wind it up or it is going to break down. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I got married, we did not have anybody say, \u201cHere\u2019s what the maintenance schedule for your marriage should look like\u2026\u201d I just figured it was kind of in self-maintenance mode\u2014that we would, by virtue of being together, we would grow closer\u2014that\u2019s what happened when we <em>dated<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to ask both of you: \u201cWhy is maintenance in marriage harder than maintenance in dating was? Why is it that, when we\u2019re dating, we just kind of naturally\/the energy is there, and we\u2019re together, and we go. Then you get married, and then all of a sudden, it\u2019s like: \u201cLeave me alone; I want to watch this,\u201d and \u201cGive me some time.\u201d Why is that the case?\u2014do you know?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Well, the biochemical warm fuzzies that drive us to pursue somebody\u2014be infatuated with, desire, want to pursue them in a relationship\u2014that lasts for about \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t18 months. That\u2019s energy; it\u2019s a constant dose of amphetamine, if you will, to your heart and to your energy to pursue the other individual.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014which you\u2019re saying, \u201c18 months.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Eighteen months is about how long that infatuation drive\/biochemical thing lasts.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It could be shorter. Some of you\u2014it runs out pretty quick\u2014right? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Other people age when you start. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right; or how many kids you have in the first 18 months, things like that. [Laughter]\u00a0 All kinds of life factors can crash that amphetamine drive pretty easily; but if you\u2019re just in a normal situation, there\u2019s a point where we say, \u201cThe honeymoon\u2019s over\u201d\u2014and that\u2019s what\/when we say that phrase\u2014we\u2019re saying, \u201cThe amphetamine kick isn\u2019t there like it used to be.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> My wife and I know how to dance. On the FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> cruise every year, we\u2019ve learned how to ballroom dance. We get a little better at it\/a little better at it; but you know, during the pandemic, we didn\u2019t dance a lot. Like we find moments where we do, but it\u2019s kind of like you need something to kickstart that. Just because you know <em>how<\/em> doesn\u2019t mean you will. Us-ness requires a kickstart; sometimes that\u2019s a biochemical thing that\u2019s driving you towards that [as in beginning of relationship]; but most of life, I think it is about conscious choice\/that we say: \u201cHow can we invest time and energy?\u201d and \u201cLet\u2019s dance a little bit.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> There\u2019s a physics law\u2014tell me if I\u2019m right\u2014second law of thermodynamics says what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s the law of entropy: that everything that is in motion is going to run out of energy, eventually, unless you\u2019ve got something to push it along.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; I remember being in a college class\/physics and learning that law and never thinking that applies to relationships, but it does.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. Us-ness is entropic\u2014unless you go down there and wind up the clock\u2014right Ann?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And as we\u2019re talking, we should know that, going in: [as newlyweds,] we\u2019re at a high right now\u2014this is passionate; it\u2019s new; it\u2019s wonderful; it\u2019s fresh\u2014it\u2019s <em>not<\/em> going to last. When you start to feel that go\u2014it isn\u2019t like, \u201cOh, we\u2019re in trouble,\u201d\u2014it\u2019s like, \u201cOh, this is normal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cThis is what\u2019s going to happen. And to keep that even close\u201d\u2014maybe not all the way back to where it once was\u2014\u201cyou\u2019re going to have to wind the clock; you\u2019re going to have to do a check-up.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You guys, this is like <em>big<\/em>. What we\u2019re all talking about we\u2019ve all known for a while, but I\u2019ll never forget hearing that for the first time\u2014that this feeling, this infatuation, this love <em>will change<\/em>\u2014because I think a lot of people think it never will. I mean, the movies don\u2019t show it going away, necessarily; and so I think that\u2019s important to know: \u201cThis is normal.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And <em>when<\/em> it changes, it doesn\u2019t mean the marriage is over or something\u2019s wrong.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014or you\u2019re not in love anymore.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. You\u2019ve moved into a new phase of your relationship. This new phase\u2014here\u2019s the tricky part\u2014this new phase is going to be a little harder to get things started; I\u2019m back to my car analogy. You\u2019ve had it for a few years, and it coughs a little bit before it starts; it doesn\u2019t [car revving sound] before you have to get it started. But the ride is actually going to be more comfortable. It\u2019s going to be richer and deeper when you\u2019re in it, because it\u2019s not so much just an emotion-fueled experience; now, there\u2019s a deeper level of connection that\u2019s starting to form and build in this new phase of a marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> But Ron, is it harder because our feelings aren\u2019t as high; and so we\u2019re doing things out of more an act of our will?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You know, Ann, I\u2019ve got to say, when I got married, I was a complete idiot. [Laughter] I mean, I was so ignorant and na\u00efve about any of this that we\u2019re talking about. I just don\u2019t think I had any idea of what it would take to continue forward with us-ness. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s two ways of looking at what we\u2019re talking about here. One way is: \u201cOh man, that doesn\u2019t sound romantic or fun,\u201d or \u201cThere\u2019s no chemistry anymore?\u201d\u2014like I know that\u2019s not exactly what we\u2019re saying\u2014we\u2019re just saying the chemistry doesn\u2019t necessarily <em>drive<\/em> you towards your us-ness.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut the other way to look at it is to say: \u201cWe\u2019re going to mature our love. Our us-ness may have been driven by pure chemistry for a season; but now, it\u2019s got to be based on something else than that. We\u2019ve got to work on the engine in the car, not just put a new coat of paint on it. We\u2019ve got to actually deal with the car\/what makes it <em>go<\/em>. That\u2019s going to require more of <em>me<\/em> than the chemistry season of life.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> What if you feel like: \u201cYou know what? I\u2019ve been taking the car to the shop; I\u2019ve been winding that clock\u2014and my spouse is doing <em>nothing<\/em>\u2014so I\u2019m <em>tired<\/em> of winding and taking my car in. I\u2019m not going to do it for a while. I\u2019m going to see if my spouse has anything that they want to do in the relationship\u201d? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay; but winding the clock is not your problem. The problem there is that it feels like the other person doesn\u2019t want <em>you<\/em> as much as you want them. It feels like a lopsided relationship; and at that point, you\u2019re not feeling chosen or cherished.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is why we need a therapist. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t know we needed a therapist \u2018til right now. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> No; this is really important, because this is what we all do when we\u2019re in those moments. We <em>feel<\/em> like the other person isn\u2019t quite there for us, like they used to be or like we would like for them to be, then we get goofy\u2014I mean, I do\u2014I start doing things to try to get my wife to want to be with me: you drop hints, or maybe you get a little passive\/aggressive, or you complain\/you just flat-out complain: \u201cI\u2019m doing <em>all<\/em> of the work here, and you\u2019re just kind of not really participating.\u201d Really what we\u2019re saying is: \u201dI just need to know that you still love me\/still want <em>us<\/em>.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And that feels <em>super<\/em> vulnerable\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014to ask that question, because it\u2019s the <em>deeper<\/em> issue. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>But to say to your spouse: \u201cIt feels like you\u2019re not pursuing me. It feels like maybe you don\u2019t love me\u201d; and that\u2019s a scary answer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, it is; because they might say, \u201cI don\u2019t.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cI don\u2019t.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And if you get that answer, you\u2019d rather not know than to know that answer. At least, that\u2019s how it feels at times. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPart of the reason we\u2019re talking about this today is because we\u2019ve had so many couples, who have been saying, \u201cWhen are you guys going to have a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway again that we can go to?\u2014because those getaways have been catalytic for us. That\u2019s been a weekend where we\u2019ve taken our marriage into the shop, or where we have turned on the slow cooker and really let it simmer for a while. Our marriage has been recalibrated in those weekends, and we need one of those recalibrations.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWith COVID, and with ballrooms, and spikes, we\u2019re just not able to have the same number of getaways that we\u2019ve been able to have [in the past]. Our team went to work and said, \u201cWhat could we give to couples that would somehow be catalytic?\u201d\u2014something that was kind of a do-it-yourself engagement that would help them restart some of these processes\u2014do a little preventative maintenance on your marriage. We came up with the <em>Dates to Remember<\/em> date box that couples can order. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, we were thinking, with Valentine\u2019s Day coming up, you could order this now; have your first date on Valentine\u2019s Day. I think there are three dates in the box. You have your first date night all planned out for you with everything you need to pull it off. You have the date, and then you schedule your next date. There are, again, three in the box. So Valentine\u2019s Day goes on\u2014it\u2019s really Valentine\u2019s Day-plus-plus that you get out of this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s like Valentine\u2019s month. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Exactly; each of these dates\u2014there are four components\u2014there\u2019s a game that you play together; it\u2019s an interactive, fun, spontaneous game. There\u2019s a video that you watch, and then there are questions that you interact over as a couple. Then there are some prayer suggestions for you. Your date night gives you a chance to have some fun, to learn, to grow. We\u2019re really trying to set you up for conversations you would not otherwise be having. Those conversations\/that\u2019s where the mechanic, who is the Holy Spirit, comes along and says: \u201cOkay, we can adjust this; we can tweak this,\u201d \u201cWe can make this so that the ride is better,\u201d \u201cWe can rewind the clock so that it chimes next week.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> We\u2019ve been married 34 years; and in the beginning, we had conversation that lasted hours, and hours, and hours. But let me just own something: once you get to know the basics of this person that you\u2019re married to\/once you\u2019ve spent a lot of time together, when you\u2019ve talked about <em>lots<\/em> of things under the sun, sometimes you kind of look at each other and go, \u201cWhat else do we talk about? What else do we talk about that\u2019s <em>not<\/em> work?\u2014that\u2019s <em>not<\/em> the same old subjects?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo me, having something like this, that sparks conversation in a fun way, it\u2019s kind of like a game; that\u2019s always fun. That is often what Nan and I need. We just need a spark to move us in a certain direction and then the conversation can erupt and take off.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You can get a preview of this\/look at it; go to FamilyLifeToday.com. All of the information about the <em>Dates to Remember<\/em> date box is available there. You can order it from us online. Again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com. And whether it\u2019s this date box\u2014this is just one way to try to, catalytically, get you going in terms of regular marriage maintenance. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don\u2019t know about you guys: \u201cDid you <em>start<\/em> with a game plan? Dave and Ann, did you have a\/like when you got married, did somebody tell you: \u2018You should date once a week,\u2019 or \u2018\u2026once a month,\u2019 or \u2018You need to do something\u2019; and did you do that at the beginning?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, I remember the first time we heard about a weekly game plan was at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>, sitting there as an engaged couple. We sort of laughed, you know, when\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014Dennis said it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014Dennis Rainey said married couples should date weekly. Again, it wasn\u2019t \u201cIt has to be every seven days\u201d; but it was a regular: \u201cWe got to pull away and focus on our marriage.\u201d We laughed, because we\u2019re like, \u201cWe\u2019re an engaged couple; we\u2019re dating every day,\u201d\u2014and you think\u2014\u201cWhen you\u2019re married, you\u2019re together all the time; you don\u2019t need to date.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, actually, we now know. It\u2019s really interesting\u2014we put this in our <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em> book\u2014because so many people would say \u201cOkay; if you\u2019re going vertical in your marriage, that means you\u2019re putting God first. You add a little God to your marriage, and everything works out?\u201d I go, \u201cOkay; that\u2019s not what we\u2019re trying to say.\u201d It reminded me of something I heard Rick Warren say, decades ago, about your spiritual life; and we can all relate to this: \u201cIf you want to grow in your relationship with Christ,\u201d\u2014I\u2019ll never forget, in a sermon, he said\u2014\"you need to divert daily, withdraw weekly, abandon annually.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m an acrostic guy; so I\u2019m like: \u201c\u2019D\u2019 squared,\u201d \u201c\u2018W\u2019 squared,\u201d \u201c\u2019A\u2019 squared.\u201d He was just saying, \u201cIt\u2019s like a workout. If you\u2019re going to change your body, every day, you\u2019re going to do something.\u201d He\u2019s saying, \u201cDivert daily means you\u2019re busy\/you\u2019re crazy; you\u2019re going to pull away for five or ten minutes\/maybe thirty minutes, and you\u2019re going to get in the Word of God; because \u2018I want my spiritual life to grow.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOnce a week, there\u2019s a principle in the Scripture called Sabbath: \u201cWithdraw weekly means once-a-week rest: focus on your walk with God. Stop doing your regular work and focus once a week.\u201d We <em>violate<\/em> this <em>command<\/em> by the way\u2014Ten Commandments. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen once a year: \u201cAbandon annually is: \u2018Go to a retreat\/go to a spiritual retreat. Men go to men\u2019s retreat; women go to women\u2019s retreat; go to a couples\u2014whatever\u2014pour into it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI thought, as we were writing <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em>: \u201cOh my goodness! It\u2019s the same in your marriage.\u201d If you want a great marriage, maintenance looks like: once a day\u2014we just changed it a little bit\u2014we said, \u201cPray together\u201d; so there\u2019s a daily thing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOnce-a-week date. Again, I know sometimes that\u2019s impossible; but get a rhythm, where you pull away, you grab this date box or whatever you need to do to go out and say, \u201cWe\u2019re going to spend a couple of hours, at least, once a week; and we\u2019re going to work on our marriage.\u201d That\u2019s maintenance. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, once a year, get to a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>\/get to a marriage retreat. <em>You\u2019re<\/em> going to be changed. That\u2019s going to keep that car running pretty good; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Exactly. I remember we\u2019d had maybe three or four kids, and MaryAnn threw a flag on the field, and she said, \u201cLook, we have got to have a timeout every day\u201d; because we weren\u2019t having it. We were busy; she was swamped. The idea that she had, that we started to implement, was\u2014when I would get home, before anything else happened after I got home, we would have our 10 to 15 minutes of what we called couch time\u2014everything would stop, she and I would go sit on the couch, and we would debrief about our day\u2014talk about whatever had come along\/about what we needed to do\u2014it was just a reconnect time. We didn\u2019t pray in that moment, but there was relational reconnecting that was happening.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> In a sense, you\u2019re pulling up that dipstick on the oil and\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014saying, \u201cHow are we doing?\u201d; exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014said, \u201cHow are we doing?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And the kids would always try to come in and interrupt it. I mean, they want: \u201cDad\u2019s home; let\u2019s play,\u201d \u201cWe want attention.\u201d We would say to them, \u201cNo; Mom and Dad are having couch time right now. This is our time, not your time.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> What great security that brings to your kids. Maybe they don\u2019t recognize it, at first; but ultimately, they\u2019re seeing a marriage that: \u201cThis is a priority.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> They started to respect and honor that. Then of course, after we\u2019d huddled for that ten minutes, then when we broke the huddle, she would go back to making dinner and I\u2019d go play with the kids or do something. Then we could go and engage in the rest of the evening, but we\u2019d had our huddle-up moment\/our reconnect moment. Something like that, on a daily basis, is a part of marriage maintenance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You know, one of the things I\u2019m thinking about, as we talk about this, is seasons and circumstances. I know, in our 34 years, there were seasons where we could not date once a week, twice a week, once a month; we couldn\u2019t afford it. Kids around our ankles; we <em>never<\/em> lived where there were grandparents\u2014it was always on us\u2014and yes, we\u2019d try to find friends: \u201cHey, we\u2019ll babysit for you if you\u2019ll\u2026\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut let\u2019s just talk to people for a minute, who are going, \u201cYes, we just can\u2019t do that,\u201d for whatever reason\u2014maybe job loss; maybe caring for an aging parent that is 24\/7\u2014and you just\/it\u2019s really difficult. I think the spirit of what we\u2019re saying here is\u2014it\u2019s not so much about getting out and spending money as it is about finding time to nurture that us-ness. It doesn\u2019t have to be <em>dramatic<\/em>. It doesn\u2019t have to be necessarily\u2014you know, for a season, it could be a small investment of time\u2014the 10-minute chunks at the end of the day or sitting watching a movie on Netflix on Friday night. I think that\u2019s important; at least, I did. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don\u2019t know if other people, hearing this message, sometimes go legalistic on it and they think: \u201cOh, man; we\u2019re bad,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m a bad husband; I\u2019m not leading well, because I don\u2019t take my wife out on a date.\u201d I think what we need to remember is it is about investing time, and being intentional, and just nurturing your us-ness.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> One of the things about the date box that the team put together here is this is not something that you have to spend a lot of money to go do something to make it happen. You can do this after you put the kids to bed, and you\u2019re in your bedroom. You play the game, sitting on the bed, and you watch the video, and you can talk right there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think that\u2019s one of the great things about the date box is\u2014it\u2019s catalytic to get you to do things you might not naturally do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I guarantee you this: \u201dIt\u2019s going to have you <em>talk<\/em>, and your wife is going to love to <em>talk\u2014<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, she will.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201con this couch.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You guys, the thing that I remember most about that first <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> conference that we went to was I remember Dennis Rainey saying, \u201cWe are either moving toward oneness or isolation.\u201d I remember thinking: \u201cWait; you mean I have to really <em>work<\/em> to get to oneness?\u201d and \u201cIf we don\u2019t, we\u2019re going to slip into isolation?\u201d That really motivated me to think, \u201cI need to do <em>something<\/em> to keep us moving forward\u201d; and this is something.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s why we\u2019re encouraging listeners to be intentional. If the date box\/the <em>Dates to Remember <\/em>date box can help you with that, get this sent to your house and plan to use it Valentine\u2019s Day or before Valentine\u2019s Day. I mean, there are three dates in the date box. This is kind of a recipe for pursuing oneness in your marriage. We\u2019ve distilled down some of the best learning we\u2019ve had over 40-plus years of doing <em>Weekends to Remember<\/em>. Since a lot of couples haven\u2019t been able to come to a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>, because we haven\u2019t been able to host them, we thought, \u201cLet\u2019s take the learning from the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> and send it to people\u2019s homes.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can go to FamilyLifeToday.com and order the <em>Dates to Remember<\/em> date box. If you have any questions about it, check it out, online, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. You can also order by phone. But plan to be purposeful and invest in time together as a couple. Again, find out more about the <em>Dates to Remember<\/em> date box, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to order: 800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we\u2019ll continue this conversation. We want to talk more about how we can be purposeful and intentional\/how we can lean in and pursue oneness in our marriage relationship. Ron Deal\u2019s going to join us, again, tomorrow. I hope you can join us as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. 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it be nice to have maintenance check-ups to make a marriage run more smoothly? Dave and Ann Wilson talk with Ron Deal about practical thoughts on creating marital sparks and keeping the fire alive.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-01-28.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When it comes to taking good care of your marriage, there\u2019s more required than simply knowing the right thing to do; you actually have to do it! Here\u2019s Ron Deal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> <a id=\"_Hlk61449113\">My wife and I know how to dance. On the FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> cruise every year, we\u2019ve learned how to ballroom dance. We get a little better at it\/a little better at it; but you know, during the pandemic, we didn\u2019t dance a lot. Like we find moments where we do, but it\u2019s kind of like you need something to kickstart that. Just because you know <em>how<\/em> doesn\u2019t mean you will.<\/a>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, January 28<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. So maybe some of us need to dust off our dancing shoes or whatever it is that promotes us-ness in your marriage. Maybe we need to find some ways to draw closer to one another. We\u2019re going to talk more about how we do that today. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. There\u2019s this illustration I\u2019ve used for years; I\u2019ve said to couples, \u201cHow would you think of your marriage differently if I told you, on the day you got married,\u201d\u2014if I told you this; I said\u2014\u201c\u2018I\u2019m going to give you a car the day you get married,\u2019\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cI\u2019m in!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cbut here\u2019s the thing\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019d like a car for my wedding gift.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014it\u2019s the best; it\u2019s a top model car; it\u2019s the car you want\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Ooh; okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cHere\u2019s the thing: \u2018It\u2019s the only car you will ever have for the rest of your life.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s good to know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cKnowing that\u201d\u2014I\u2019ve said two things\u2014\u201cnumber one, you are probably going to do a better job of taking care of this car from the get-go, saying: \u2018We better do the scheduled maintenance,\u2019 \u2018We better make sure we do everything we need to do.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cBetter not let my wife drive it.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I was thinking that we would need bigger than a two-passenger vehicle.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes, you\u2019re probably going to need\u2014not a Ferrari roadster\u2014but a minivan to start with, or maybe a Tahoe or Suburban, depending on how many kids you\u2019re going to have; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right; and you\u2019re right: we wouldn\u2019t miss any of the maintenance services.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019d get the maintenance done; and if something went wrong with the car, and you knew this is the only car we\u2019ve got, you\u2019d take it in and get it fixed because that\u2019s your only alternative. Rather than thinking, \u201cI wonder if it\u2019s time to trade the car in,\u201d you would go, \u201cI don\u2019t have a choice; this is the car I got.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right; then I would say, \u201cDid you get that lifetime warranty on the vehicle?\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But that\u2019s the point of marriage: if we thought about our marriages that way and thought, \u201cThis is the marriage I\u2019m supposed to have for the rest of my life,\u201d\u2014so knowing that\u2014\u201cI\u2019d better take better care of it from the beginning; and when something goes wrong, I don\u2019t have an alternative. I\u2019ve got to go get it fixed, because this is the only one I\u2019ve got.\u201d Rather than thinking, \u201cDo I swap this one out for another model?\u201d I fix this one. It\u2019s the one I\u2019ve been given for the rest of my life. If couples would think that way about marriage, don\u2019t you think that would cause them to start to view their relationship differently?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think so.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I <em>know<\/em> so. That\u2019s a great analogy, Bob; who\u2019d you steal that from?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I have no idea, [Laughter] but all great analogies have been borrowed from somewhere; right? You know that as well as I do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> All work and no plagiarism leads to a boring sermon. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019ve got our friend, Ron Deal, joining us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Welcome, Ron.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Thank you. I\u2019m glad I work for a God who doesn\u2019t mind if I plagiarize right out of His Bible. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s a <em>good<\/em> response.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And matter of fact, He <em>encourages<\/em> it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Anybody who\u2019s ever spoken or preached knows this: the first time you quote somebody you say, \u201cAs my friend, Ron Deal, says\u2026\u201d Then the second time, you say, \u201cAs I\u2019ve often heard\u2026\u201d [Laughter] Then the third time, you say, \u201cAs I always say\u2026\u201d [Laughter] That\u2019s kind of how that whole thing goes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon gives leadership to FamilyLife Blended<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, and is a writer and a speaker, and is here with us today because we\u2019re talking about a fundamental issue; and that is, \u201cHow do we do the work of regular oil changes, and tune-ups, and tire rotations, and alignments\u2014all of that stuff\u2014on a marriage relationship so we can keep the marriage out of the shop and have fewer breakdowns along the way?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Prevention is worth a pound, if not a thousand pounds, of cure. I had a professor in graduate school, who used to say, \u201cYou know, marriage is like the grandfather clock at the end of the hallway. If you don\u2019t go down there and wind that thing up every once in a while, it just stops working.\u201d Man, I have <em>never<\/em> forgotten that\/like, \u201cThat\u2019s part of what we do\u2014is wind up our marriages.\u201d Marriage is, by nature, entropic; it will drain itself of energy unless we go down there and wind that thing up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay; I\u2019m liking the clock better than the car; yes, I\u2019m liking it!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What?! What\u2019s wrong with my car analogy?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, I\u2019m at the table with three guys, so that would be typical; but I\u2019m kind of liking the clock.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Can we make this more like a football illustration? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> No.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You\u2019ve got to practice; you\u2019ve got to train a\u2014no. Here\u2019s what I was going to say though\u2014in both of you, when you talk about winding the clock or an oil change\u2014I think a lot of us, and I think listeners might be doing this right now, thinking: \u201cYes, my wife needs an oil change,\u201d \u201cMy husband needs an oil change.\u201d You\u2019re not thinking about the <em>marriage<\/em> as much as the <em>person<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Or you\u2019re thinking \u201cI\u2019m <em>always<\/em> the one to wind the clock.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Good point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; so I mean you do want to take your eyes off the person, whose got all these weaknesses, and [you think] you don\u2019t have any, and say, \u201cOkay, we both have weaknesses.\u201d The clock is the marriage\/the car is our marriage: \u201cHow are we going to maintain <em>that<\/em>?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And when you get a new car, there is a booklet that comes with it that\u2019s got scheduled maintenance in it. They tell you\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s in there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u20146000 miles\/12,000 miles you\u2019re supposed to do this\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Look in the glove box; it\u2019s there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> If you\u2019ve got the clock, you know that once a week, or whatever the rotation is for you, you got to wind it up or it is going to break down. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I got married, we did not have anybody say, \u201cHere\u2019s what the maintenance schedule for your marriage should look like\u2026\u201d I just figured it was kind of in self-maintenance mode\u2014that we would, by virtue of being together, we would grow closer\u2014that\u2019s what happened when we <em>dated<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to ask both of you: \u201cWhy is maintenance in marriage harder than maintenance in dating was? Why is it that, when we\u2019re dating, we just kind of naturally\/the energy is there, and we\u2019re together, and we go. Then you get married, and then all of a sudden, it\u2019s like: \u201cLeave me alone; I want to watch this,\u201d and \u201cGive me some time.\u201d Why is that the case?\u2014do you know?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Well, the biochemical warm fuzzies that drive us to pursue somebody\u2014be infatuated with, desire, want to pursue them in a relationship\u2014that lasts for about \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t18 months. That\u2019s energy; it\u2019s a constant dose of amphetamine, if you will, to your heart and to your energy to pursue the other individual.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014which you\u2019re saying, \u201c18 months.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Eighteen months is about how long that infatuation drive\/biochemical thing lasts.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It could be shorter. Some of you\u2014it runs out pretty quick\u2014right? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Other people age when you start. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right; or how many kids you have in the first 18 months, things like that. [Laughter]\u00a0 All kinds of life factors can crash that amphetamine drive pretty easily; but if you\u2019re just in a normal situation, there\u2019s a point where we say, \u201cThe honeymoon\u2019s over\u201d\u2014and that\u2019s what\/when we say that phrase\u2014we\u2019re saying, \u201cThe amphetamine kick isn\u2019t there like it used to be.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> My wife and I know how to dance. On the FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> cruise every year, we\u2019ve learned how to ballroom dance. We get a little better at it\/a little better at it; but you know, during the pandemic, we didn\u2019t dance a lot. Like we find moments where we do, but it\u2019s kind of like you need something to kickstart that. Just because you know <em>how<\/em> doesn\u2019t mean you will. Us-ness requires a kickstart; sometimes that\u2019s a biochemical thing that\u2019s driving you towards that [as in beginning of relationship]; but most of life, I think it is about conscious choice\/that we say: \u201cHow can we invest time and energy?\u201d and \u201cLet\u2019s dance a little bit.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> There\u2019s a physics law\u2014tell me if I\u2019m right\u2014second law of thermodynamics says what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s the law of entropy: that everything that is in motion is going to run out of energy, eventually, unless you\u2019ve got something to push it along.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; I remember being in a college class\/physics and learning that law and never thinking that applies to relationships, but it does.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. Us-ness is entropic\u2014unless you go down there and wind up the clock\u2014right Ann?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And as we\u2019re talking, we should know that, going in: [as newlyweds,] we\u2019re at a high right now\u2014this is passionate; it\u2019s new; it\u2019s wonderful; it\u2019s fresh\u2014it\u2019s <em>not<\/em> going to last. When you start to feel that go\u2014it isn\u2019t like, \u201cOh, we\u2019re in trouble,\u201d\u2014it\u2019s like, \u201cOh, this is normal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cThis is what\u2019s going to happen. And to keep that even close\u201d\u2014maybe not all the way back to where it once was\u2014\u201cyou\u2019re going to have to wind the clock; you\u2019re going to have to do a check-up.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You guys, this is like <em>big<\/em>. What we\u2019re all talking about we\u2019ve all known for a while, but I\u2019ll never forget hearing that for the first time\u2014that this feeling, this infatuation, this love <em>will change<\/em>\u2014because I think a lot of people think it never will. I mean, the movies don\u2019t show it going away, necessarily; and so I think that\u2019s important to know: \u201cThis is normal.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And <em>when<\/em> it changes, it doesn\u2019t mean the marriage is over or something\u2019s wrong.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014or you\u2019re not in love anymore.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. You\u2019ve moved into a new phase of your relationship. This new phase\u2014here\u2019s the tricky part\u2014this new phase is going to be a little harder to get things started; I\u2019m back to my car analogy. You\u2019ve had it for a few years, and it coughs a little bit before it starts; it doesn\u2019t [car revving sound] before you have to get it started. But the ride is actually going to be more comfortable. It\u2019s going to be richer and deeper when you\u2019re in it, because it\u2019s not so much just an emotion-fueled experience; now, there\u2019s a deeper level of connection that\u2019s starting to form and build in this new phase of a marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> But Ron, is it harder because our feelings aren\u2019t as high; and so we\u2019re doing things out of more an act of our will?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You know, Ann, I\u2019ve got to say, when I got married, I was a complete idiot. [Laughter] I mean, I was so ignorant and na\u00efve about any of this that we\u2019re talking about. I just don\u2019t think I had any idea of what it would take to continue forward with us-ness. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s two ways of looking at what we\u2019re talking about here. One way is: \u201cOh man, that doesn\u2019t sound romantic or fun,\u201d or \u201cThere\u2019s no chemistry anymore?\u201d\u2014like I know that\u2019s not exactly what we\u2019re saying\u2014we\u2019re just saying the chemistry doesn\u2019t necessarily <em>drive<\/em> you towards your us-ness.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut the other way to look at it is to say: \u201cWe\u2019re going to mature our love. Our us-ness may have been driven by pure chemistry for a season; but now, it\u2019s got to be based on something else than that. We\u2019ve got to work on the engine in the car, not just put a new coat of paint on it. We\u2019ve got to actually deal with the car\/what makes it <em>go<\/em>. That\u2019s going to require more of <em>me<\/em> than the chemistry season of life.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> What if you feel like: \u201cYou know what? I\u2019ve been taking the car to the shop; I\u2019ve been winding that clock\u2014and my spouse is doing <em>nothing<\/em>\u2014so I\u2019m <em>tired<\/em> of winding and taking my car in. I\u2019m not going to do it for a while. I\u2019m going to see if my spouse has anything that they want to do in the relationship\u201d? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay; but winding the clock is not your problem. The problem there is that it feels like the other person doesn\u2019t want <em>you<\/em> as much as you want them. It feels like a lopsided relationship; and at that point, you\u2019re not feeling chosen or cherished.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is why we need a therapist. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t know we needed a therapist \u2018til right now. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> No; this is really important, because this is what we all do when we\u2019re in those moments. We <em>feel<\/em> like the other person isn\u2019t quite there for us, like they used to be or like we would like for them to be, then we get goofy\u2014I mean, I do\u2014I start doing things to try to get my wife to want to be with me: you drop hints, or maybe you get a little passive\/aggressive, or you complain\/you just flat-out complain: \u201cI\u2019m doing <em>all<\/em> of the work here, and you\u2019re just kind of not really participating.\u201d Really what we\u2019re saying is: \u201dI just need to know that you still love me\/still want <em>us<\/em>.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And that feels <em>super<\/em> vulnerable\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014to ask that question, because it\u2019s the <em>deeper<\/em> issue. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>But to say to your spouse: \u201cIt feels like you\u2019re not pursuing me. It feels like maybe you don\u2019t love me\u201d; and that\u2019s a scary answer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, it is; because they might say, \u201cI don\u2019t.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cI don\u2019t.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And if you get that answer, you\u2019d rather not know than to know that answer. At least, that\u2019s how it feels at times. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPart of the reason we\u2019re talking about this today is because we\u2019ve had so many couples, who have been saying, \u201cWhen are you guys going to have a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway again that we can go to?\u2014because those getaways have been catalytic for us. That\u2019s been a weekend where we\u2019ve taken our marriage into the shop, or where we have turned on the slow cooker and really let it simmer for a while. Our marriage has been recalibrated in those weekends, and we need one of those recalibrations.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWith COVID, and with ballrooms, and spikes, we\u2019re just not able to have the same number of getaways that we\u2019ve been able to have [in the past]. Our team went to work and said, \u201cWhat could we give to couples that would somehow be catalytic?\u201d\u2014something that was kind of a do-it-yourself engagement that would help them restart some of these processes\u2014do a little preventative maintenance on your marriage. We came up with the <em>Dates to Remember<\/em> date box that couples can order. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, we were thinking, with Valentine\u2019s Day coming up, you could order this now; have your first date on Valentine\u2019s Day. I think there are three dates in the box. You have your first date night all planned out for you with everything you need to pull it off. You have the date, and then you schedule your next date. There are, again, three in the box. So Valentine\u2019s Day goes on\u2014it\u2019s really Valentine\u2019s Day-plus-plus that you get out of this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s like Valentine\u2019s month. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Exactly; each of these dates\u2014there are four components\u2014there\u2019s a game that you play together; it\u2019s an interactive, fun, spontaneous game. There\u2019s a video that you watch, and then there are questions that you interact over as a couple. Then there are some prayer suggestions for you. Your date night gives you a chance to have some fun, to learn, to grow. We\u2019re really trying to set you up for conversations you would not otherwise be having. Those conversations\/that\u2019s where the mechanic, who is the Holy Spirit, comes along and says: \u201cOkay, we can adjust this; we can tweak this,\u201d \u201cWe can make this so that the ride is better,\u201d \u201cWe can rewind the clock so that it chimes next week.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> We\u2019ve been married 34 years; and in the beginning, we had conversation that lasted hours, and hours, and hours. But let me just own something: once you get to know the basics of this person that you\u2019re married to\/once you\u2019ve spent a lot of time together, when you\u2019ve talked about <em>lots<\/em> of things under the sun, sometimes you kind of look at each other and go, \u201cWhat else do we talk about? What else do we talk about that\u2019s <em>not<\/em> work?\u2014that\u2019s <em>not<\/em> the same old subjects?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo me, having something like this, that sparks conversation in a fun way, it\u2019s kind of like a game; that\u2019s always fun. That is often what Nan and I need. We just need a spark to move us in a certain direction and then the conversation can erupt and take off.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You can get a preview of this\/look at it; go to FamilyLifeToday.com. All of the information about the <em>Dates to Remember<\/em> date box is available there. You can order it from us online. Again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com. And whether it\u2019s this date box\u2014this is just one way to try to, catalytically, get you going in terms of regular marriage maintenance. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don\u2019t know about you guys: \u201cDid you <em>start<\/em> with a game plan? Dave and Ann, did you have a\/like when you got married, did somebody tell you: \u2018You should date once a week,\u2019 or \u2018\u2026once a month,\u2019 or \u2018You need to do something\u2019; and did you do that at the beginning?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, I remember the first time we heard about a weekly game plan was at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>, sitting there as an engaged couple. We sort of laughed, you know, when\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014Dennis said it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014Dennis Rainey said married couples should date weekly. Again, it wasn\u2019t \u201cIt has to be every seven days\u201d; but it was a regular: \u201cWe got to pull away and focus on our marriage.\u201d We laughed, because we\u2019re like, \u201cWe\u2019re an engaged couple; we\u2019re dating every day,\u201d\u2014and you think\u2014\u201cWhen you\u2019re married, you\u2019re together all the time; you don\u2019t need to date.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, actually, we now know. It\u2019s really interesting\u2014we put this in our <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em> book\u2014because so many people would say \u201cOkay; if you\u2019re going vertical in your marriage, that means you\u2019re putting God first. You add a little God to your marriage, and everything works out?\u201d I go, \u201cOkay; that\u2019s not what we\u2019re trying to say.\u201d It reminded me of something I heard Rick Warren say, decades ago, about your spiritual life; and we can all relate to this: \u201cIf you want to grow in your relationship with Christ,\u201d\u2014I\u2019ll never forget, in a sermon, he said\u2014\"you need to divert daily, withdraw weekly, abandon annually.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m an acrostic guy; so I\u2019m like: \u201c\u2019D\u2019 squared,\u201d \u201c\u2018W\u2019 squared,\u201d \u201c\u2019A\u2019 squared.\u201d He was just saying, \u201cIt\u2019s like a workout. If you\u2019re going to change your body, every day, you\u2019re going to do something.\u201d He\u2019s saying, \u201cDivert daily means you\u2019re busy\/you\u2019re crazy; you\u2019re going to pull away for five or ten minutes\/maybe thirty minutes, and you\u2019re going to get in the Word of God; because \u2018I want my spiritual life to grow.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOnce a week, there\u2019s a principle in the Scripture called Sabbath: \u201cWithdraw weekly means once-a-week rest: focus on your walk with God. Stop doing your regular work and focus once a week.\u201d We <em>violate<\/em> this <em>command<\/em> by the way\u2014Ten Commandments. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen once a year: \u201cAbandon annually is: \u2018Go to a retreat\/go to a spiritual retreat. Men go to men\u2019s retreat; women go to women\u2019s retreat; go to a couples\u2014whatever\u2014pour into it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI thought, as we were writing <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em>: \u201cOh my goodness! It\u2019s the same in your marriage.\u201d If you want a great marriage, maintenance looks like: once a day\u2014we just changed it a little bit\u2014we said, \u201cPray together\u201d; so there\u2019s a daily thing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOnce-a-week date. Again, I know sometimes that\u2019s impossible; but get a rhythm, where you pull away, you grab this date box or whatever you need to do to go out and say, \u201cWe\u2019re going to spend a couple of hours, at least, once a week; and we\u2019re going to work on our marriage.\u201d That\u2019s maintenance. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, once a year, get to a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>\/get to a marriage retreat. <em>You\u2019re<\/em> going to be changed. That\u2019s going to keep that car running pretty good; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Exactly. I remember we\u2019d had maybe three or four kids, and MaryAnn threw a flag on the field, and she said, \u201cLook, we have got to have a timeout every day\u201d; because we weren\u2019t having it. We were busy; she was swamped. The idea that she had, that we started to implement, was\u2014when I would get home, before anything else happened after I got home, we would have our 10 to 15 minutes of what we called couch time\u2014everything would stop, she and I would go sit on the couch, and we would debrief about our day\u2014talk about whatever had come along\/about what we needed to do\u2014it was just a reconnect time. We didn\u2019t pray in that moment, but there was relational reconnecting that was happening.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> In a sense, you\u2019re pulling up that dipstick on the oil and\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014saying, \u201cHow are we doing?\u201d; exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014said, \u201cHow are we doing?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And the kids would always try to come in and interrupt it. I mean, they want: \u201cDad\u2019s home; let\u2019s play,\u201d \u201cWe want attention.\u201d We would say to them, \u201cNo; Mom and Dad are having couch time right now. This is our time, not your time.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> What great security that brings to your kids. Maybe they don\u2019t recognize it, at first; but ultimately, they\u2019re seeing a marriage that: \u201cThis is a priority.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> They started to respect and honor that. Then of course, after we\u2019d huddled for that ten minutes, then when we broke the huddle, she would go back to making dinner and I\u2019d go play with the kids or do something. Then we could go and engage in the rest of the evening, but we\u2019d had our huddle-up moment\/our reconnect moment. Something like that, on a daily basis, is a part of marriage maintenance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You know, one of the things I\u2019m thinking about, as we talk about this, is seasons and circumstances. I know, in our 34 years, there were seasons where we could not date once a week, twice a week, once a month; we couldn\u2019t afford it. Kids around our ankles; we <em>never<\/em> lived where there were grandparents\u2014it was always on us\u2014and yes, we\u2019d try to find friends: \u201cHey, we\u2019ll babysit for you if you\u2019ll\u2026\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut let\u2019s just talk to people for a minute, who are going, \u201cYes, we just can\u2019t do that,\u201d for whatever reason\u2014maybe job loss; maybe caring for an aging parent that is 24\/7\u2014and you just\/it\u2019s really difficult. I think the spirit of what we\u2019re saying here is\u2014it\u2019s not so much about getting out and spending money as it is about finding time to nurture that us-ness. It doesn\u2019t have to be <em>dramatic<\/em>. It doesn\u2019t have to be necessarily\u2014you know, for a season, it could be a small investment of time\u2014the 10-minute chunks at the end of the day or sitting watching a movie on Netflix on Friday night. I think that\u2019s important; at least, I did. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don\u2019t know if other people, hearing this message, sometimes go legalistic on it and they think: \u201cOh, man; we\u2019re bad,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m a bad husband; I\u2019m not leading well, because I don\u2019t take my wife out on a date.\u201d I think what we need to remember is it is about investing time, and being intentional, and just nurturing your us-ness.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> One of the things about the date box that the team put together here is this is not something that you have to spend a lot of money to go do something to make it happen. You can do this after you put the kids to bed, and you\u2019re in your bedroom. You play the game, sitting on the bed, and you watch the video, and you can talk right there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think that\u2019s one of the great things about the date box is\u2014it\u2019s catalytic to get you to do things you might not naturally do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I guarantee you this: \u201dIt\u2019s going to have you <em>talk<\/em>, and your wife is going to love to <em>talk\u2014<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, she will.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201con this couch.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You guys, the thing that I remember most about that first <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> conference that we went to was I remember Dennis Rainey saying, \u201cWe are either moving toward oneness or isolation.\u201d I remember thinking: \u201cWait; you mean I have to really <em>work<\/em> to get to oneness?\u201d and \u201cIf we don\u2019t, we\u2019re going to slip into isolation?\u201d That really motivated me to think, \u201cI need to do <em>something<\/em> to keep us moving forward\u201d; and this is something.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s why we\u2019re encouraging listeners to be intentional. If the date box\/the <em>Dates to Remember <\/em>date box can help you with that, get this sent to your house and plan to use it Valentine\u2019s Day or before Valentine\u2019s Day. I mean, there are three dates in the date box. This is kind of a recipe for pursuing oneness in your marriage. We\u2019ve distilled down some of the best learning we\u2019ve had over 40-plus years of doing <em>Weekends to Remember<\/em>. Since a lot of couples haven\u2019t been able to come to a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>, because we haven\u2019t been able to host them, we thought, \u201cLet\u2019s take the learning from the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> and send it to people\u2019s homes.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can go to FamilyLifeToday.com and order the <em>Dates to Remember<\/em> date box. If you have any questions about it, check it out, online, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. You can also order by phone. But plan to be purposeful and invest in time together as a couple. Again, find out more about the <em>Dates to Remember<\/em> date box, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to order: 800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we\u2019ll continue this conversation. We want to talk more about how we can be purposeful and intentional\/how we can lean in and pursue oneness in our marriage relationship. Ron Deal\u2019s going to join us, again, tomorrow. I hope you can join us as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. 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