{"id":306681,"date":"2021-01-15T07:00:05","date_gmt":"2021-01-15T12:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/loving-our-introverted-children\/"},"modified":"2021-01-15T07:00:05","modified_gmt":"2021-01-15T12:00:05","slug":"loving-our-introverted-children","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/loving-our-introverted-children\/","title":{"rendered":"Loving Our Introverted Children"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Do you ever struggle with knowing how to best reach your introverted child? On FamilyLife Today, join hosts Dave and Ann Wilson as they talk with author Holley Gerth on how to love and understand your introverted child.<br \/>\nShow Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tFind more from Holley Gerth and take the &#8220;What % Introvert are YOU?&#8221; quiz.\u00a0 https:\/\/holleygerth.com\/<br \/>\n \tFind out more from Chap Bettis&#8217;s book The Disciple-Making Parent. \u00a0http:\/\/thedisciplemakingparent.com<br \/>\n \tDownload FamilyLife&#8217;s new app! https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/<br \/>\n \tFind resources from this podcast at https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130.<br \/>\n \tCheck out all that&#8217;s available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.\u00a0 https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Do you ever struggle with knowing how to best reach your introverted child? Holley Gerth coaches parents on how to love and understand your introverted child.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-01-15.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:25:52","filesize":"23.69M","filesize_raw":"24836167","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2873,2834,2862],"tags":[6966],"podcast_series":[8421],"cwp_profile":[9686],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306681","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-mental-and-emotional-issues","category-praying-for-your-children","category-understanding-differences","tag-introverts","podcast_series-the-powerful-purpose-of-introverts","cwp_profile-holley-gerth","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306681\/loving-our-introverted-children","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306681\/loving-our-introverted-children","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"nh4yyvqT7B\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/loving-our-introverted-children\/\">Loving Our Introverted Children<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/loving-our-introverted-children\/embed\/#?secret=nh4yyvqT7B\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Loving Our Introverted Children&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"nh4yyvqT7B\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-01-15.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-01-15.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>If your teenager is spending a lot of time in his or her room by themselves, should you be concerned about that as a parent? Is that a warning sign of something troubling? Holley Gerth says there are good ways to diagnose what might be going on in your child\u2019s life.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Knowing if that child is withdrawing and then reengaging\u2014that\u2019s the pattern of a healthy introvert\u2014is withdrawal to refuel; then reengagement. If you\u2019re seeing that in your kiddo, where they need to go in their room, but then they come back out and they\u2019re a happier, more energetic person, that\u2019s normal introvert. If they are refusing to ever engage with anyone\u2014they\u2019re isolating; they\u2019re not talking to anyone in their lives\u2014that\u2019s a red flag.\n\nReally, it\u2019s just looking at: \u201cIs this pulling away a temporary thing that leads to something positive?\u201d or \u201cIs it a sudden change, associated with other things like mood, and things where you probably want to get a counselor involved?\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, January 15<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. We need to recognize that, if our child is an introvert or an extrovert, we\u2019re going to have to adapt our parenting style as we raise them. We\u2019ll talk more about that today with Holley Gerth. Stay with us.\n\nAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. We\u2019re spending some time this week talking about introverts and extroverts, and I\u2019m just wondering whether there\u2019s a relationship between extroverts and colic with babies. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes!\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Don\u2019t you wonder about that?\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes, it\u2019s true!\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We have one child, who was the calmest, quietest, most peaceful baby of probably all five of ours. In fact, I think my mom wondered if this child had a hearing problem or there was something\u2014because, early on, he was just so mellow\u2014that son has grown up to be an introverted son. Yet, I think of our kids, who are more outgoing; and I\u2019m thinking back to who they were as babies\u2014my brain goes here when we\u2019re talking about these things.\n\nWe have Holley Gerth joining us this week, who is an\u2014can we call you an expert on introversion?\u2014[Laughter]\u2014she is one; and she\u2019s written a book, <em>The Powerful Purpose of an Introvert<\/em>. Holley, welcome back.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Thank you for having me.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Can you tell, as a parent, do you think if a child is an introvert or an extrovert when they\u2019re a month old, or six months old, or a year old?\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>There have been studies done with babies, where that was the purpose of the study\u2014to figure out: \u201cAre these kiddos introverts\/extroverts?\u201d\u2014and follow them into adulthood; because obviously, you can\u2019t draw a conclusion. Sure enough, most of the time, the prediction was right, based on how they engaged, again, with their external environment.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>An extroverted baby would act like what?\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>If you introduce something new to them, they sort of just go all in. Walk into a room\u2014it was an experiment\u2014where they would walk into a room, with a volunteer they didn\u2019t know, a bunch of toys they\u2019d never seen; they\u2019d jump right in.\n\nThe introvert kiddo would kind of hang with mama a little bit, take a look around, figure it all out, and then probably engage. Again, it\u2019s that external environment piece, and the processing that we\u2019ve talked about, with the brain and nervous system. Is it that shorter-faster brain pathway they\u2019re using?\u2014or the longer, more complex one, where it means they just need a little bit of time. I\u2019ve heard it said that extroverts are more like helicopters, where they can lift off immediately; and introverts are more like planes, that just need a little bit of a runway.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s interesting.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Susan Cain, actually\u2014who wrote the book, <em>Quiet<\/em>, and talks a lot about parenting introvert kids\u2014says, If you have an introvert kid, and you\u2019re taking them into a new environment, just think of that\u2014that they\u2019re a plane that needs a runway\u2014but they\u2019ll get there.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>So often, as parents, we do the opposite. We <em>shame<\/em> the child, you know, if you\u2019re walking in a room and your child grabs your leg. It may be, because they\u2019re an introvert, they\u2019re just a little more timid to be a helicopter. I\u2019ve seen\u2014I\u2019ve probably done this\u2014pushed them, like: \u201cGo! This is what you\u2019re supposed to do. You\u2019re supposed to be a people person\/extroverted,\u201d rather than helping them; right? We sort of shame them. That\u2019s horrible; maybe I\u2019m just talking about myself. [Laughter] But I\u2019ve seen that done, like, \u201cThis is the way you\u2019re supposed to be as a child,\u201d rather than celebrating they\u2019re introverted.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>It helps to know that\u2014right?\u2014that that\u2019s what\u2019s going on. Their little introvert brains are probably registering strange people the same way they would a strange dog. If your kiddo hid behind you because they saw a strange dog, you would say, \u201cThis is Sam, the neighbor\u2019s dog. Why don\u2019t you pet him on the head a little bit?\u201d You know, gradually introduce the child to that thing that is triggering their fight-or-=flight response. It\u2019s just hard to think of people being that, but it is. Our brains read other people and social things as potential threats.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I want you to talk about Dave\u2019s point; because if we\u2019re raising kids and we figure: \u201cThis child is outgoing\/extroverted; the other child is shy\/introverted,\u201d first of all, do we have our categories right, based on reticence or engagement?\u2014and then secondly, I\u2019m guessing that we value extroversion; and we punish introversion. How should we be doing it differently?\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Man, I hate to make parents feel that way\u2014that they\u2019re doing it wrong with their kiddos, you know\u2014because extrovert parents give different gifts to their introvert kids. They can help them be braver and step outside of their comfort zone, and sometimes that\u2019s what they really need. I don\u2019t want to shame extroverts when we\u2019re talking about shaming introverts, because I think it\u2019s individual to each parent and child.\n\nI think it\u2019s really coming down to what you were just saying: \u201cbeing observant.\u201d As a mom, you noticed about your baby, even from teeny-tiny: \u201cThis is the way they engage with the world.\u201d Once people are equipped with the knowledge that that affects introversion and extroversion, then you can start adapting and learning about who your kid is\/what they need\u2014coming up with strategies together.\n\nYou don\u2019t want to overprotect introvert kids, either; that\u2019s not the point. Again, we talked, in our last conversation, about how we don\u2019t want to make excuses for ourselves; but we also don\u2019t want to say, \u201cI\u2019m just going to let my introvert kid always hide.\u201d It\u2019s about getting them to a level of safety, where they can move forward on their own.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019ll tell you what we did\u2014not as much when we were raising our kids, but I see it now as a grandparent\u2014and I think this is a strategy we could have employed more. If you\u2019re going to a new setting, something that\u2019s going to be different for the child, rather than waiting till you get there, and letting that experience just happen\u2014[give] some coaching.\n\nWe were going recently with one of our grandkids to church. We were talking about the fact that, sometimes, this child is shy about going to kids\u2019 ministry at church. In the car ride on the way over, I was saying, \u201cOh man, I\u2019m so excited for you; you get to go to kids\u2019 church! There are going to be people you know, and I know there are toys in there. Do they do snacks there?\u2014I think they do snacks.\u201d I was just trying to prep this grandchild for what was coming so that it didn\u2019t just come at them all at once and cause that panic response that you\u2019re talking about.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>You should be in the grandfather hall of fame. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>No; that\u2019s really good, though\/really smart.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think there\u2019s a lot of that preparation and coaching we can do, as parents and as grandparents, to help our kids and grandkids be ready for what\u2019s coming rather than just expect that, in the moment, they should be able to adapt instantly.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Yes, I think that\u2019s a great example of building a runway. You built a grandkid a runway, so he was ready by the time he got there.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You grew up as an introvert.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You didn\u2019t have a name for it. Did you feel less than?\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>It\u2019s interesting, because I am from an entire family of introverts. Both of my parents are introverts; my only sibling is an introvert. So in my world, introvert was normal. It\u2019s been interesting to engage with people that didn\u2019t have that experience, and it\u2019s different. I was just like everybody else around the table; I didn\u2019t think as much about it. It was more in settings like school or youth group. I actually always had a ton of friends, but I always built my own tribe. I drove my parents\u2019 big gray van around and picked up eight kids and took them to youth group every week, but they were my little tribe of people that I knew and was familiar with. I\u2019ve sort of done that all my life.\n\nI think it\u2019s just understanding your kiddo and building that runway; preparation is a great strategy. I think, for littler kids, thinking about physical comfort. If they have a blanket, or teddy bear, or whatever it is that\u2019s comforting to them, let them go ahead and have that; because it\u2019s countering that external stimulation that they\u2019re dealing with.\n\nI think context is always helpful for older kids\u2014like you were saying\u2014\u201cHere\u2019s what\u2019s going on; here\u2019s what\u2019s going to happen; here\u2019s who\u2019s going to be there; how it\u2019s going to work out.\u201d That just helps with all the processing. I think asking\/if they\u2019re old enough to ask, \u201cWhat do you need to feel more comfortable?\u201d They\u2019ll often tell you: \u201cI need to know what time we\u2019re going home, because then I can budget my energy.\u201d\n\nThat\u2019s something we have to do a lot as introverts. We know we have \u201cx<em>\u201d<\/em> amount of energy per day; we budget it accordingly, and then we\u2019re okay. But if we don\u2019t know what\u2019s coming, we can\u2019t budget correctly; then suddenly, we\u2019re in a social situation, where we\u2019ve hit our done point. We physically cannot continue engaging at the level we want to; and yet, we\u2019re with people we value\/that we deeply want to show we value them\u2014that causes a kind of panic that is very distressing\u2014so even telling your kid, \u201cWe\u2019re going to be here for two hours, then you can go home.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Talk about that energy thing, because the misunderstanding that I\u2019ve seen\u2014and I think I had this for quite awhile\u2014was: \u201cIntroverts are not good with people; they don\u2019t really like people,\u201d \u201cExtroverts are good with people; they like people.\u201d\n\nWhen Ann and I, years ago, went through the Meyers-Brigg training, I remember our leader said, \u201cExtroversion and introversion is about <em>energy<\/em>.\u201d This is how he explained it; tell me if you agree. He said it\u2019s like you have a power cord in your hand. An extrovert sees a group of people over there and he goes, \u201cOh, I\u2019m going to go over there!\u201d because they get energy from being with people.\n\nAn introvert has that power cord, and sees a group of people and says, \u201cNo, I\u2019m going to go over here, and be more alone; and I\u2019m going to come out of that with energy.\u201d It\u2019s just an energy thing\u2014they\u2019re not better or worse; they love people\u2014they just get energy, many times, from not being with them. Like you just said, the amount of time can sap their energy. Is that true?\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Yes; well, it\u2019s related to energy in that those neurotransmitter differences that we talked about in an earlier conversation\u2014extroverts prefer dopamine, which is a neurotransmitter that revs you up, that acts like caffeine\u2014obviously, on the outside, that looks like people energize extroverts; but it\u2019s, actually, people cause our brains to release a lot of dopamine. That\u2019s what\u2019s going on.\n\nIntroverts with acetylcholine, which is the neurotransmitter that makes <em>us<\/em> feel best\u2014that\u2019s what energizes us\u2014that\u2019s released when we turn inward, have a meaningful conversation with one person, focus on a project we\u2019re passionate about. It looks like that\u2019s where introverts get their energy; so yes, but it\u2019s also more complex than just how introverts and extroverts are affected by people.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>When you mention dopamine, I think, \u201caddiction.\u201d Can an extrovert be addicted to people?\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>I think it\u2019s possible.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Whoa; that\u2019s interesting.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Yes; because dopamine\u2019s associated with a lot of actual addictions, like gambling.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Right.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>You know, you pull a slot machine handle, you get a hit of dopamine. If withdrawing is the temptation of introverts, then I think using that dopamine hit in unhealthy ways would probably be a vulnerability for extroverts.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Would you say it\u2019s because they\u2019re <em>avoiding<\/em> something else that may be painful?\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>I think that\u2019s a question to ask: \u201cIs this behavior avoidance?\u201d I mean, it\u2019s the same thing we\u2019ve been talking about with introverts. If an introvert\u2019s locking themselves in their room excessively, that\u2019s avoidance.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>If an extrovert\u2019s choosing to be with people to the extent that they are avoiding something they know God has placed on their heart to deal with, then I would say that\u2019s avoidance. I think any behavior\u2014if we\u2019re saying, \u201cI\u2019m doing this to avoid\u2026\u201d rather than as a proactive, healthy choice\u2014that\u2019s a red flag that we probably need to take a look at.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Some moms and dads will observe a child, who appears to be a friendly, outgoing child hit adolescence; and all of a sudden, it\u2019s like something just changed. Should they be concerned about that? How can you tell the difference between something that is troubling and something that is just personality-based?\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Knowing if that child is withdrawing and then reengaging. That\u2019s the pattern of a healthy introvert\u2014is withdrawal to refuel, then reengagement\u2014look for that refuel\/reengagement; refuel\/reengagement. If you\u2019re seeing that in your kiddo, where they need to go in their room, but then they come back out; and they\u2019re a happier\/more energetic person, that\u2019s normal introvert. If they are refusing to ever engage with anyone\u2014they\u2019re isolating\/they\u2019re not talking to anyone in their lives\u2014that\u2019s a red flag, because that\u2019s different than introversion. Extroverts can get to that place too.\n\nHopelessness in their speech would be a sign of depression, not introversion. Losing interest in activities they once loved\u2014because introverts will still have activities they love, they just may be different activities than an extrovert kiddo does\u2014so you want to see that capacity for joy is still there. That\u2019s another red flag.\n\nReally, it\u2019s just looking at: \u201cIs this pulling away a temporary thing that leads to something positive?\u201d or \u201cIs it a sudden change, associated with other things, like mood and things where you probably want to get a counselor involved?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I\u2019m thinking of a dad that is called to lead his family. If I\u2019m an introvert, and I actually want to pull away, and yet I have to lead, you think, \u201cOh, that\u2019s an extroverted function, so extroverts will be better at that.\u201d But what if I\u2019m an introvert?\n\nI even think in the NFL\u2014it\u2019s really interesting\u2014quarterbacks like me are usually extroverts; kickers are usually introverts. They\u2019re, literally, on another field, kicking a ball while we\u2019re all over here in a group. Then, when I think about leading my family, I think of a quarterback in a huddle: \u201cLet\u2019s go! Here we go, guys.\u201d The kicker\u2019s not going to do that; he\u2019s going to walk in and say, \u201cJust let me kick the ball and go back to my sideline.\u201d That\u2019s what he is really good at. How does an introvert\u2014mom or dad\u2014lead a group of people?\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Yes, I think it\u2019s recognizing that introverts and extroverts have different leadership <em>styles<\/em>. Both are equally effective. A ten-year leadership study actually found that introvert CEOs were a little more likely to surpass the expectations of their board and investors, which you wouldn\u2019t expect.\n\nExtrovert leadership often looks like, upfront, it\u2019s a little more vocal and visible. Introvert leadership, I say, is leading from behind. An introvert will often get behind a person, or a project, or a team and champion them in ways that are often not as visible, but just as valuable.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Wow.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>In the leadership book, <em>Good to Great<\/em>, Jim Collins describes Level 5 leaders. He calls them humble, self-effacing, even shy\u2014all these characteristics\u2014I thought, \u201cHe\u2019s talking about introvert leaders.\u201d\n\nA really beautiful scenario is when you get an extrovert leader paired up with an introvert leader. Author, Jennifer Kahnweiler, calls that \u201cGenius of Opposites\u201d; for example, Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak. If you think about marriages, where you have one introvert and one extrovert teaming up with those different styles of leadership, that can be really powerful.\n\nWhat I say a lot to introvert leaders is: \u201cDon\u2019t focus on visibility; focus on the value that you\u2019re adding.\u201d That introvert dad maybe is not as vocal; but he\u2019s <em>great<\/em> at listening to his kids, or taking them out to breakfast, one on one, instead of taking everybody in the car together somewhere. I think just saying: \u201cWhat is my natural leadership style? How does that work for our family?\u201d and \u201cHow do I team up with my spouse, where we both get to lead together?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes, I was going to say, \u201cTeaming up with your spouse, seeing the greatness and strengths in him or her.\u201d You even mention, in the book, Moses, who had a partner.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Yes!\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>You know, nobody would think\u2014I didn\u2019t think Moses would be classified more as an introvert, but look at how he responded to the call God had on his life. Talk about that.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Yes; obviously, Moses did not take a Meyers-Briggs [Laughter] with the burning bush; but from all indications in Scripture\u2014God says, \u201cI want you to go before Pharaoh,\u201d \u2014and he\u2019s like, \u201cI\u2019m not a good public speaker.\u201d He wants someone to go with him. He ends up with Aaron, his brother, who I think is an extrovert. They ended up as this introvert\/extrovert pairing. Again, that\u2019s an example of how that can be powerful.\n\nI think a lot of biblical characters actually have introvert characteristics that we can learn from. Again, that goes back to just\u2014it\u2019s a complimentary pairing\u2014that we need both in our world.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019m thinking that extroverts like spotlights, and applause, and cheering; and introverts don\u2019t. I\u2019m wondering how we affirm and reward our kids, who are introverts, in such a way that they go, \u201cI am valuable and appreciated,\u201d if it\u2019s not by turning the spotlight on them, or cheering for them, or having everybody sing, \u201cFor he\u2019s a jolly good fellow\u201d; right?\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Yes; I think it\u2019s talking to that kiddo and saying, \u201cWhat makes you feel good? What can I do that makes you feel that I\u2019m proud of you?\u201d and listening to that answer. It\u2019s true, for introverts, attention is something to be endured. It\u2019s a necessary part of doing what we are called to do at times, but it\u2019s not something that <em>feels<\/em> rewarding.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Often, praising introvert kids in private\u2014like writing them a note or saying, \u201cJust you and I are going to go out to your favorite place for ice cream on Friday,\u201d\u2014give an introvert kid your full attention, and blocking everything else out for them\u2014that\u2019s huge. That shows them: \u201cI matter, and you\u2019re investing in me individually.\u201d I think that can be a strategy.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Some of my favorite conversations in our home were with our son that\u2019s the introvert. I think it\u2019s because it felt like I was panning for gold. Introverts don\u2019t necessarily give all their thoughts and feelings away to anybody; so when I would have those conversations with CJ\u2014just the two of us, alone, looking eye to eye and just talking about, \u201cTell me what you think of this,\u201d or \u201cTell me your thoughts about this,\u201d\u2014this conversation was slow; it was sweet, because he\u2019s very mindful of his words. Yet I would walk away feeling like he gave me such a gift, because he doesn\u2019t give those words and those thoughts and feelings to everyone.\n\nI think that\u2019s the sweetest thing about introverts, that when they give you their heart, it feels like something very sacred to me. It\u2019s not something you just cast away or you think, \u201cOh, that\u2019s no big deal\u201d; because it was a <em>big<\/em> deal for him to open up and share.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I\u2019ll just add this\u2014and it\u2019s really the subtitle of your book\u2014one of the reasons CJ was able to do that with Ann was I know he felt loved and valued as an introvert. She let him be him: \u201cYou be you.\u201d I could see it; he came alive, knowing, \u201cShe appreciates the way God made me.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I always say, \u201cThat\u2019s fascinating, the way you think. It\u2019s so different than what I would even come up with. Your mind is fascinating.\u201d\n\nI think we could say that about each other, because anything that God creates is pretty magnificent; so for us to say that to our kids, and be fascinated with how God made them, is a gift that we can give to our kids and our spouses.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Absolutely; yes.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is so helpful, I think, for all of us to think about the fearfully and wonderfully made differences in each of us, and to think about how we can stretch ourselves\u2014if we are extroverts, how we can maybe get a little more solitude in our lives\/a little more reflection in our lives\u2014if we\u2019re introverts, how we can stretch and learn to adapt to an environment a little better\u2014how we can raise our kids. This is just so helpful.\n\nHolley, I\u2019m grateful that, in the book, you give us ways to do the diagnosis. You didn\u2019t just write the ideas, but we can do some self-examination and exploration. Thank you for the conversation; thanks for writing the book.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Thanks for having me!\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You can go to our website at FamilyLifeToday.com to find out more about Holley\u2019s book, <em>The Powerful Purpose of Introverts<\/em>. I should mention, too, you have on your website a ten-question diagnostic tool to help people figure out: \u201cJust how introverted or how extroverted am I?\u201d We have a link to that on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com. Get a copy of Holley Gerth\u2019s book and find out how you can take the diagnostic quiz that is available. You can also call us if you\u2019d like to order Holley\u2019s book; our number is 1-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\nNow, as we are fully engaged in a brand-new year, we are excited about what God has prepared for us in 2021. David Robbins, who is the president of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, is here with us. David, I think everybody is hoping 2021 is going to be a very different kind of year than 2020 was.\n\n<strong>David: <\/strong>[Laughter] I mean, who is not ready to turn the page on 2020?\u2014and we\u2019re glad that we are here. Yet some things feel a little too familiar to what 2020 felt like; but there is no doubt that there\u2019s an expectancy of what this year may hold, and how it may be different. I\u2019m expectant on the ways God wants to work in each one of our lives as we\u2019ve had to walk through a bunch of struggle, and a bunch of waiting, and a bunch of pain. We\u2019re in the thick of it still; yet, there is an expectancy that I am really encouraged by and hopeful in.\n\nPart of my hopefulness really comes from many of you\/many of you, who at the end of the year, partnered with FamilyLife\u2014gave generously in order to set us up to do the ministry plans that we had ready to go in this coming year of 2021\u2014but we wanted to be sure that we had the capacity and the resources in order to be able to pursue them. I\u2019m so encouraged. The reality is it takes around two weeks, at the turn of the year, for all of the giving to get registered and to get the report of where we stand at the end of the year. We were very frank and honest about us needing your help, and I just want to say, again: \u201cThank you for coming through. Thank you for setting us up to fuel ministry when it comes to 2021 and the expectancy we have on what God wants to do in families.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and of course, we are grateful for your ongoing support throughout the coming year. Thanks, in advance, for your partnership with us. Thank you, David.\n\nWe hope you have a great weekend! Hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church this weekend; and I hope you can join us back on Monday, when we\u2019re going to talk about how important it is for us to understand the person God made each one of us to be, and how we live that out in our marriage and in our family. Jamie Ivey\u2019s going to be here with us to talk about that; we hope you can be here as well.\n\nI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. 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you ever struggle with knowing how to best reach your introverted child? Holley Gerth coaches parents on how to love and understand your introverted child.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-01-15.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>If your teenager is spending a lot of time in his or her room by themselves, should you be concerned about that as a parent? Is that a warning sign of something troubling? Holley Gerth says there are good ways to diagnose what might be going on in your child\u2019s life.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Knowing if that child is withdrawing and then reengaging\u2014that\u2019s the pattern of a healthy introvert\u2014is withdrawal to refuel; then reengagement. If you\u2019re seeing that in your kiddo, where they need to go in their room, but then they come back out and they\u2019re a happier, more energetic person, that\u2019s normal introvert. If they are refusing to ever engage with anyone\u2014they\u2019re isolating; they\u2019re not talking to anyone in their lives\u2014that\u2019s a red flag.\n\nReally, it\u2019s just looking at: \u201cIs this pulling away a temporary thing that leads to something positive?\u201d or \u201cIs it a sudden change, associated with other things like mood, and things where you probably want to get a counselor involved?\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, January 15<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. We need to recognize that, if our child is an introvert or an extrovert, we\u2019re going to have to adapt our parenting style as we raise them. We\u2019ll talk more about that today with Holley Gerth. Stay with us.\n\nAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. We\u2019re spending some time this week talking about introverts and extroverts, and I\u2019m just wondering whether there\u2019s a relationship between extroverts and colic with babies. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes!\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Don\u2019t you wonder about that?\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes, it\u2019s true!\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We have one child, who was the calmest, quietest, most peaceful baby of probably all five of ours. In fact, I think my mom wondered if this child had a hearing problem or there was something\u2014because, early on, he was just so mellow\u2014that son has grown up to be an introverted son. Yet, I think of our kids, who are more outgoing; and I\u2019m thinking back to who they were as babies\u2014my brain goes here when we\u2019re talking about these things.\n\nWe have Holley Gerth joining us this week, who is an\u2014can we call you an expert on introversion?\u2014[Laughter]\u2014she is one; and she\u2019s written a book, <em>The Powerful Purpose of an Introvert<\/em>. Holley, welcome back.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Thank you for having me.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Can you tell, as a parent, do you think if a child is an introvert or an extrovert when they\u2019re a month old, or six months old, or a year old?\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>There have been studies done with babies, where that was the purpose of the study\u2014to figure out: \u201cAre these kiddos introverts\/extroverts?\u201d\u2014and follow them into adulthood; because obviously, you can\u2019t draw a conclusion. Sure enough, most of the time, the prediction was right, based on how they engaged, again, with their external environment.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>An extroverted baby would act like what?\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>If you introduce something new to them, they sort of just go all in. Walk into a room\u2014it was an experiment\u2014where they would walk into a room, with a volunteer they didn\u2019t know, a bunch of toys they\u2019d never seen; they\u2019d jump right in.\n\nThe introvert kiddo would kind of hang with mama a little bit, take a look around, figure it all out, and then probably engage. Again, it\u2019s that external environment piece, and the processing that we\u2019ve talked about, with the brain and nervous system. Is it that shorter-faster brain pathway they\u2019re using?\u2014or the longer, more complex one, where it means they just need a little bit of time. I\u2019ve heard it said that extroverts are more like helicopters, where they can lift off immediately; and introverts are more like planes, that just need a little bit of a runway.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s interesting.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Susan Cain, actually\u2014who wrote the book, <em>Quiet<\/em>, and talks a lot about parenting introvert kids\u2014says, If you have an introvert kid, and you\u2019re taking them into a new environment, just think of that\u2014that they\u2019re a plane that needs a runway\u2014but they\u2019ll get there.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>So often, as parents, we do the opposite. We <em>shame<\/em> the child, you know, if you\u2019re walking in a room and your child grabs your leg. It may be, because they\u2019re an introvert, they\u2019re just a little more timid to be a helicopter. I\u2019ve seen\u2014I\u2019ve probably done this\u2014pushed them, like: \u201cGo! This is what you\u2019re supposed to do. You\u2019re supposed to be a people person\/extroverted,\u201d rather than helping them; right? We sort of shame them. That\u2019s horrible; maybe I\u2019m just talking about myself. [Laughter] But I\u2019ve seen that done, like, \u201cThis is the way you\u2019re supposed to be as a child,\u201d rather than celebrating they\u2019re introverted.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>It helps to know that\u2014right?\u2014that that\u2019s what\u2019s going on. Their little introvert brains are probably registering strange people the same way they would a strange dog. If your kiddo hid behind you because they saw a strange dog, you would say, \u201cThis is Sam, the neighbor\u2019s dog. Why don\u2019t you pet him on the head a little bit?\u201d You know, gradually introduce the child to that thing that is triggering their fight-or-=flight response. It\u2019s just hard to think of people being that, but it is. Our brains read other people and social things as potential threats.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I want you to talk about Dave\u2019s point; because if we\u2019re raising kids and we figure: \u201cThis child is outgoing\/extroverted; the other child is shy\/introverted,\u201d first of all, do we have our categories right, based on reticence or engagement?\u2014and then secondly, I\u2019m guessing that we value extroversion; and we punish introversion. How should we be doing it differently?\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Man, I hate to make parents feel that way\u2014that they\u2019re doing it wrong with their kiddos, you know\u2014because extrovert parents give different gifts to their introvert kids. They can help them be braver and step outside of their comfort zone, and sometimes that\u2019s what they really need. I don\u2019t want to shame extroverts when we\u2019re talking about shaming introverts, because I think it\u2019s individual to each parent and child.\n\nI think it\u2019s really coming down to what you were just saying: \u201cbeing observant.\u201d As a mom, you noticed about your baby, even from teeny-tiny: \u201cThis is the way they engage with the world.\u201d Once people are equipped with the knowledge that that affects introversion and extroversion, then you can start adapting and learning about who your kid is\/what they need\u2014coming up with strategies together.\n\nYou don\u2019t want to overprotect introvert kids, either; that\u2019s not the point. Again, we talked, in our last conversation, about how we don\u2019t want to make excuses for ourselves; but we also don\u2019t want to say, \u201cI\u2019m just going to let my introvert kid always hide.\u201d It\u2019s about getting them to a level of safety, where they can move forward on their own.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019ll tell you what we did\u2014not as much when we were raising our kids, but I see it now as a grandparent\u2014and I think this is a strategy we could have employed more. If you\u2019re going to a new setting, something that\u2019s going to be different for the child, rather than waiting till you get there, and letting that experience just happen\u2014[give] some coaching.\n\nWe were going recently with one of our grandkids to church. We were talking about the fact that, sometimes, this child is shy about going to kids\u2019 ministry at church. In the car ride on the way over, I was saying, \u201cOh man, I\u2019m so excited for you; you get to go to kids\u2019 church! There are going to be people you know, and I know there are toys in there. Do they do snacks there?\u2014I think they do snacks.\u201d I was just trying to prep this grandchild for what was coming so that it didn\u2019t just come at them all at once and cause that panic response that you\u2019re talking about.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>You should be in the grandfather hall of fame. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>No; that\u2019s really good, though\/really smart.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think there\u2019s a lot of that preparation and coaching we can do, as parents and as grandparents, to help our kids and grandkids be ready for what\u2019s coming rather than just expect that, in the moment, they should be able to adapt instantly.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Yes, I think that\u2019s a great example of building a runway. You built a grandkid a runway, so he was ready by the time he got there.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You grew up as an introvert.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You didn\u2019t have a name for it. Did you feel less than?\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>It\u2019s interesting, because I am from an entire family of introverts. Both of my parents are introverts; my only sibling is an introvert. So in my world, introvert was normal. It\u2019s been interesting to engage with people that didn\u2019t have that experience, and it\u2019s different. I was just like everybody else around the table; I didn\u2019t think as much about it. It was more in settings like school or youth group. I actually always had a ton of friends, but I always built my own tribe. I drove my parents\u2019 big gray van around and picked up eight kids and took them to youth group every week, but they were my little tribe of people that I knew and was familiar with. I\u2019ve sort of done that all my life.\n\nI think it\u2019s just understanding your kiddo and building that runway; preparation is a great strategy. I think, for littler kids, thinking about physical comfort. If they have a blanket, or teddy bear, or whatever it is that\u2019s comforting to them, let them go ahead and have that; because it\u2019s countering that external stimulation that they\u2019re dealing with.\n\nI think context is always helpful for older kids\u2014like you were saying\u2014\u201cHere\u2019s what\u2019s going on; here\u2019s what\u2019s going to happen; here\u2019s who\u2019s going to be there; how it\u2019s going to work out.\u201d That just helps with all the processing. I think asking\/if they\u2019re old enough to ask, \u201cWhat do you need to feel more comfortable?\u201d They\u2019ll often tell you: \u201cI need to know what time we\u2019re going home, because then I can budget my energy.\u201d\n\nThat\u2019s something we have to do a lot as introverts. We know we have \u201cx<em>\u201d<\/em> amount of energy per day; we budget it accordingly, and then we\u2019re okay. But if we don\u2019t know what\u2019s coming, we can\u2019t budget correctly; then suddenly, we\u2019re in a social situation, where we\u2019ve hit our done point. We physically cannot continue engaging at the level we want to; and yet, we\u2019re with people we value\/that we deeply want to show we value them\u2014that causes a kind of panic that is very distressing\u2014so even telling your kid, \u201cWe\u2019re going to be here for two hours, then you can go home.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Talk about that energy thing, because the misunderstanding that I\u2019ve seen\u2014and I think I had this for quite awhile\u2014was: \u201cIntroverts are not good with people; they don\u2019t really like people,\u201d \u201cExtroverts are good with people; they like people.\u201d\n\nWhen Ann and I, years ago, went through the Meyers-Brigg training, I remember our leader said, \u201cExtroversion and introversion is about <em>energy<\/em>.\u201d This is how he explained it; tell me if you agree. He said it\u2019s like you have a power cord in your hand. An extrovert sees a group of people over there and he goes, \u201cOh, I\u2019m going to go over there!\u201d because they get energy from being with people.\n\nAn introvert has that power cord, and sees a group of people and says, \u201cNo, I\u2019m going to go over here, and be more alone; and I\u2019m going to come out of that with energy.\u201d It\u2019s just an energy thing\u2014they\u2019re not better or worse; they love people\u2014they just get energy, many times, from not being with them. Like you just said, the amount of time can sap their energy. Is that true?\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Yes; well, it\u2019s related to energy in that those neurotransmitter differences that we talked about in an earlier conversation\u2014extroverts prefer dopamine, which is a neurotransmitter that revs you up, that acts like caffeine\u2014obviously, on the outside, that looks like people energize extroverts; but it\u2019s, actually, people cause our brains to release a lot of dopamine. That\u2019s what\u2019s going on.\n\nIntroverts with acetylcholine, which is the neurotransmitter that makes <em>us<\/em> feel best\u2014that\u2019s what energizes us\u2014that\u2019s released when we turn inward, have a meaningful conversation with one person, focus on a project we\u2019re passionate about. It looks like that\u2019s where introverts get their energy; so yes, but it\u2019s also more complex than just how introverts and extroverts are affected by people.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>When you mention dopamine, I think, \u201caddiction.\u201d Can an extrovert be addicted to people?\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>I think it\u2019s possible.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Whoa; that\u2019s interesting.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Yes; because dopamine\u2019s associated with a lot of actual addictions, like gambling.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Right.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>You know, you pull a slot machine handle, you get a hit of dopamine. If withdrawing is the temptation of introverts, then I think using that dopamine hit in unhealthy ways would probably be a vulnerability for extroverts.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Would you say it\u2019s because they\u2019re <em>avoiding<\/em> something else that may be painful?\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>I think that\u2019s a question to ask: \u201cIs this behavior avoidance?\u201d I mean, it\u2019s the same thing we\u2019ve been talking about with introverts. If an introvert\u2019s locking themselves in their room excessively, that\u2019s avoidance.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>If an extrovert\u2019s choosing to be with people to the extent that they are avoiding something they know God has placed on their heart to deal with, then I would say that\u2019s avoidance. I think any behavior\u2014if we\u2019re saying, \u201cI\u2019m doing this to avoid\u2026\u201d rather than as a proactive, healthy choice\u2014that\u2019s a red flag that we probably need to take a look at.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Some moms and dads will observe a child, who appears to be a friendly, outgoing child hit adolescence; and all of a sudden, it\u2019s like something just changed. Should they be concerned about that? How can you tell the difference between something that is troubling and something that is just personality-based?\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Knowing if that child is withdrawing and then reengaging. That\u2019s the pattern of a healthy introvert\u2014is withdrawal to refuel, then reengagement\u2014look for that refuel\/reengagement; refuel\/reengagement. If you\u2019re seeing that in your kiddo, where they need to go in their room, but then they come back out; and they\u2019re a happier\/more energetic person, that\u2019s normal introvert. If they are refusing to ever engage with anyone\u2014they\u2019re isolating\/they\u2019re not talking to anyone in their lives\u2014that\u2019s a red flag, because that\u2019s different than introversion. Extroverts can get to that place too.\n\nHopelessness in their speech would be a sign of depression, not introversion. Losing interest in activities they once loved\u2014because introverts will still have activities they love, they just may be different activities than an extrovert kiddo does\u2014so you want to see that capacity for joy is still there. That\u2019s another red flag.\n\nReally, it\u2019s just looking at: \u201cIs this pulling away a temporary thing that leads to something positive?\u201d or \u201cIs it a sudden change, associated with other things, like mood and things where you probably want to get a counselor involved?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I\u2019m thinking of a dad that is called to lead his family. If I\u2019m an introvert, and I actually want to pull away, and yet I have to lead, you think, \u201cOh, that\u2019s an extroverted function, so extroverts will be better at that.\u201d But what if I\u2019m an introvert?\n\nI even think in the NFL\u2014it\u2019s really interesting\u2014quarterbacks like me are usually extroverts; kickers are usually introverts. They\u2019re, literally, on another field, kicking a ball while we\u2019re all over here in a group. Then, when I think about leading my family, I think of a quarterback in a huddle: \u201cLet\u2019s go! Here we go, guys.\u201d The kicker\u2019s not going to do that; he\u2019s going to walk in and say, \u201cJust let me kick the ball and go back to my sideline.\u201d That\u2019s what he is really good at. How does an introvert\u2014mom or dad\u2014lead a group of people?\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Yes, I think it\u2019s recognizing that introverts and extroverts have different leadership <em>styles<\/em>. Both are equally effective. A ten-year leadership study actually found that introvert CEOs were a little more likely to surpass the expectations of their board and investors, which you wouldn\u2019t expect.\n\nExtrovert leadership often looks like, upfront, it\u2019s a little more vocal and visible. Introvert leadership, I say, is leading from behind. An introvert will often get behind a person, or a project, or a team and champion them in ways that are often not as visible, but just as valuable.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Wow.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>In the leadership book, <em>Good to Great<\/em>, Jim Collins describes Level 5 leaders. He calls them humble, self-effacing, even shy\u2014all these characteristics\u2014I thought, \u201cHe\u2019s talking about introvert leaders.\u201d\n\nA really beautiful scenario is when you get an extrovert leader paired up with an introvert leader. Author, Jennifer Kahnweiler, calls that \u201cGenius of Opposites\u201d; for example, Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak. If you think about marriages, where you have one introvert and one extrovert teaming up with those different styles of leadership, that can be really powerful.\n\nWhat I say a lot to introvert leaders is: \u201cDon\u2019t focus on visibility; focus on the value that you\u2019re adding.\u201d That introvert dad maybe is not as vocal; but he\u2019s <em>great<\/em> at listening to his kids, or taking them out to breakfast, one on one, instead of taking everybody in the car together somewhere. I think just saying: \u201cWhat is my natural leadership style? How does that work for our family?\u201d and \u201cHow do I team up with my spouse, where we both get to lead together?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes, I was going to say, \u201cTeaming up with your spouse, seeing the greatness and strengths in him or her.\u201d You even mention, in the book, Moses, who had a partner.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Yes!\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>You know, nobody would think\u2014I didn\u2019t think Moses would be classified more as an introvert, but look at how he responded to the call God had on his life. Talk about that.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Yes; obviously, Moses did not take a Meyers-Briggs [Laughter] with the burning bush; but from all indications in Scripture\u2014God says, \u201cI want you to go before Pharaoh,\u201d \u2014and he\u2019s like, \u201cI\u2019m not a good public speaker.\u201d He wants someone to go with him. He ends up with Aaron, his brother, who I think is an extrovert. They ended up as this introvert\/extrovert pairing. Again, that\u2019s an example of how that can be powerful.\n\nI think a lot of biblical characters actually have introvert characteristics that we can learn from. Again, that goes back to just\u2014it\u2019s a complimentary pairing\u2014that we need both in our world.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019m thinking that extroverts like spotlights, and applause, and cheering; and introverts don\u2019t. I\u2019m wondering how we affirm and reward our kids, who are introverts, in such a way that they go, \u201cI am valuable and appreciated,\u201d if it\u2019s not by turning the spotlight on them, or cheering for them, or having everybody sing, \u201cFor he\u2019s a jolly good fellow\u201d; right?\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Yes; I think it\u2019s talking to that kiddo and saying, \u201cWhat makes you feel good? What can I do that makes you feel that I\u2019m proud of you?\u201d and listening to that answer. It\u2019s true, for introverts, attention is something to be endured. It\u2019s a necessary part of doing what we are called to do at times, but it\u2019s not something that <em>feels<\/em> rewarding.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Often, praising introvert kids in private\u2014like writing them a note or saying, \u201cJust you and I are going to go out to your favorite place for ice cream on Friday,\u201d\u2014give an introvert kid your full attention, and blocking everything else out for them\u2014that\u2019s huge. That shows them: \u201cI matter, and you\u2019re investing in me individually.\u201d I think that can be a strategy.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Some of my favorite conversations in our home were with our son that\u2019s the introvert. I think it\u2019s because it felt like I was panning for gold. Introverts don\u2019t necessarily give all their thoughts and feelings away to anybody; so when I would have those conversations with CJ\u2014just the two of us, alone, looking eye to eye and just talking about, \u201cTell me what you think of this,\u201d or \u201cTell me your thoughts about this,\u201d\u2014this conversation was slow; it was sweet, because he\u2019s very mindful of his words. Yet I would walk away feeling like he gave me such a gift, because he doesn\u2019t give those words and those thoughts and feelings to everyone.\n\nI think that\u2019s the sweetest thing about introverts, that when they give you their heart, it feels like something very sacred to me. It\u2019s not something you just cast away or you think, \u201cOh, that\u2019s no big deal\u201d; because it was a <em>big<\/em> deal for him to open up and share.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I\u2019ll just add this\u2014and it\u2019s really the subtitle of your book\u2014one of the reasons CJ was able to do that with Ann was I know he felt loved and valued as an introvert. She let him be him: \u201cYou be you.\u201d I could see it; he came alive, knowing, \u201cShe appreciates the way God made me.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I always say, \u201cThat\u2019s fascinating, the way you think. It\u2019s so different than what I would even come up with. Your mind is fascinating.\u201d\n\nI think we could say that about each other, because anything that God creates is pretty magnificent; so for us to say that to our kids, and be fascinated with how God made them, is a gift that we can give to our kids and our spouses.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Absolutely; yes.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is so helpful, I think, for all of us to think about the fearfully and wonderfully made differences in each of us, and to think about how we can stretch ourselves\u2014if we are extroverts, how we can maybe get a little more solitude in our lives\/a little more reflection in our lives\u2014if we\u2019re introverts, how we can stretch and learn to adapt to an environment a little better\u2014how we can raise our kids. This is just so helpful.\n\nHolley, I\u2019m grateful that, in the book, you give us ways to do the diagnosis. You didn\u2019t just write the ideas, but we can do some self-examination and exploration. Thank you for the conversation; thanks for writing the book.\n\n<strong>Holley: <\/strong>Thanks for having me!\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You can go to our website at FamilyLifeToday.com to find out more about Holley\u2019s book, <em>The Powerful Purpose of Introverts<\/em>. I should mention, too, you have on your website a ten-question diagnostic tool to help people figure out: \u201cJust how introverted or how extroverted am I?\u201d We have a link to that on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com. Get a copy of Holley Gerth\u2019s book and find out how you can take the diagnostic quiz that is available. You can also call us if you\u2019d like to order Holley\u2019s book; our number is 1-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\nNow, as we are fully engaged in a brand-new year, we are excited about what God has prepared for us in 2021. David Robbins, who is the president of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, is here with us. David, I think everybody is hoping 2021 is going to be a very different kind of year than 2020 was.\n\n<strong>David: <\/strong>[Laughter] I mean, who is not ready to turn the page on 2020?\u2014and we\u2019re glad that we are here. Yet some things feel a little too familiar to what 2020 felt like; but there is no doubt that there\u2019s an expectancy of what this year may hold, and how it may be different. I\u2019m expectant on the ways God wants to work in each one of our lives as we\u2019ve had to walk through a bunch of struggle, and a bunch of waiting, and a bunch of pain. We\u2019re in the thick of it still; yet, there is an expectancy that I am really encouraged by and hopeful in.\n\nPart of my hopefulness really comes from many of you\/many of you, who at the end of the year, partnered with FamilyLife\u2014gave generously in order to set us up to do the ministry plans that we had ready to go in this coming year of 2021\u2014but we wanted to be sure that we had the capacity and the resources in order to be able to pursue them. I\u2019m so encouraged. The reality is it takes around two weeks, at the turn of the year, for all of the giving to get registered and to get the report of where we stand at the end of the year. We were very frank and honest about us needing your help, and I just want to say, again: \u201cThank you for coming through. Thank you for setting us up to fuel ministry when it comes to 2021 and the expectancy we have on what God wants to do in families.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and of course, we are grateful for your ongoing support throughout the coming year. Thanks, in advance, for your partnership with us. Thank you, David.\n\nWe hope you have a great weekend! Hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church this weekend; and I hope you can join us back on Monday, when we\u2019re going to talk about how important it is for us to understand the person God made each one of us to be, and how we live that out in our marriage and in our family. Jamie Ivey\u2019s going to be here with us to talk about that; we hope you can be here as well.\n\nI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. 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