{"id":306671,"date":"2021-01-09T07:00:05","date_gmt":"2021-01-09T12:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/screen-kids\/"},"modified":"2025-01-15T13:54:16","modified_gmt":"2025-01-15T18:54:16","slug":"screen-kids","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-this-week\/screen-kids\/","title":{"rendered":"Screen Kids"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Screens are everywhere in our world. Arlene Pellicane presents data and coaches parents to address the critical issue of smartphone usage with their kids.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Screens are everywhere in our world. Arlene Pellicane presents data and coaches parents to address the critical issue of smartphone usage with their kids.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294950,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/d2c17sq0nj1f7e.cloudfront.net\/flw2021-01-09.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:28:00","filesize":"25.64M","filesize_raw":"26883113","date_recorded":"2021-01-09 07:00:05","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2850,10350,2855,2870],"tags":[2209],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[3382],"series":[10388],"class_list":["post-306671","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-character-development","category-digital-and-media-choices","category-teens","category-tweens","tag-parenting","cwp_profile-arlene-pellicane","series-familylife-this-week"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/10\/FLTW-Podcast-Cover-2-1400x1400-1-300x300-1.jpg?w=300","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/10\/FLTW-Podcast-Cover-2-1400x1400-1-300x300-1.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/dts.podtrac.com\/redirect.mp3\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306671\/screen-kids","player_link":"https:\/\/dts.podtrac.com\/redirect.mp3\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306671\/screen-kids","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-this-week","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"cYicVsRigp\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-this-week\/screen-kids\/\">Screen Kids<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-this-week\/screen-kids\/embed\/#?secret=cYicVsRigp\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Screen Kids&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"cYicVsRigp\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/10\/FLTW-Podcast-Cover-2-1400x1400-1-300x300-1.jpg",300,300,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Screens are everywhere in our world. Arlene Pellicane presents data and coaches parents to address the critical issue of smartphone usage with their kids.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/flw\/flw2021-01-09.pdf","transcript_content":"<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Arlene Pellicane and her husband James love their son Ethan. In fact, they love him <em>so much<\/em> they haven\u2019t given him a smartphone yet, making him one of the<\/p>\n<p>five percent of American teens who don\u2019t own smartphones.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> We always thought it was safer for him to travel without a phone\u2014right?\u2014of what could happen, too, versus\u2014\u201cOkay; we give the phone because it makes us feel like you\u2019re safe: but now you\u2019re tempted to look at porn; now, you\u2019re tempted to play video games all the time; now, you\u2019re tempted to talk to friends, who we\u2019re like, \u2018Who is this friend you are talking to?\u2019\u201d\u2014you know, etc. We always felt like, \u201cWe want you to be independent to solve your own problems, and we don\u2019t want to put that kind of temptation right inside of your pocket.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> We\u2019re going to talk about temptations and addictions that maybe some of those 95 percent of the kids, who own smartphones, are facing. We\u2019ll talk about that with Arlene Pellicane on this edition of <em>FamilyLife This Week<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>Welcome to <em>FamilyLife This Week<\/em>. I\u2019m Michelle Hill. I want you to stop and think with me\u2014think about the last time that you left your home\u2014maybe, you went to the grocery store; maybe, it was a restaurant; work; maybe, it was church\u2014all social distancing, of course\u2014but what did you observe? What did you observe of the kids, young and old? Were many of them watching <em>screens<\/em>?<\/p>\n<p>You know, screens in the hands of younger brains\u2014they really are at a disadvantage\u2014and it\u2019s creating a new form of mental health and behavior problems. Listen to this; these are just a few of those disorders: internet addiction disorder, internet gaming disorder, pathological video game use, pathological technology use, mobile phone dependence. Those are just a few of the issues that are facing <em>us<\/em> and our kids these days.<\/p>\n<p>You know, I\u2019ve been doing some reading on this, and I have some deep concerns for our next generation. To help me get some perspective, I\u2019m going to call on my good friend, Arlene Pellicane. Arlene is an author and speaker; and recently, she coauthored a book with Gary Chapman titled <em>Screen Kids<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>[Interview]<\/p>\n<p>Arlene, I loved your book. I was drawn in because\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Oh, I\u2019m so glad.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014there\u2019s just so much research and so much to learn about screens and kids. Actually, by the time ended, I was almost filled with <em>anxiety<\/em> about: \u201cWhat\u2019s going on? What\u2019s going to be happening with our next generation?\u201d I know how hard it is for <em>me<\/em>\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014to put the screen down, so what do screens do to a young brain?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> My goodness. You know that kind of anxiety that you felt?\u2014Dr. Chapman and I\u2014we certainly want to bring people peace; but sometimes, you get the peace by getting shook up a little bit. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> So that\u2019s what this book does\u2014is that you read these things; you understand. Especially, if you think of a child\u2014the younger and younger the child is, whether it\u2019s your child or your grandchild\u2014then the more is at stake. If your child starts going crazy on video games\u2014and they are 14 years old\u2014that\u2019s going to be a lot different than if your child is 4 or 5 years old and goes crazy on video games. Age really does matter in this case.<\/p>\n<p>I think what we want to do, in the book, is really take the veil off. We have accepted technology, particularly during the pandemic, because it\u2019s our way to connect; but we want to take that veil off of: \u201cDon\u2019t just blindly accept all this technology; but recognize, \u2018How does this technology impact your child?\u2019\u201d Different stuff does different things. If you wonder: \u201cWhy can\u2019t my child regulate their mood? Why do they just break down so easily if I take this away?\u2014they just melt and freak out,\u201d\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cWhy, when they have a school challenge, they just: \u2018Oh, I can\u2019t do it!\u2019?\u201d It\u2019s this part in the brain\u2014that prefrontal cortex that\u2019s been starving\u2014that\u2019s made for mood regulation, decision making, common sense, reasoning\u2014and it\u2019s being affected.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s just one of <em>many<\/em> ways that the brain is being affected. I think that kind of, when you\u2019re looking at your child or your grandchild, you can picture like, \u201cWhat is actually happening in the <em>brain<\/em> of my child?\u201d That can get us moving and wanting to change things if we picture it that way.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> You were mentioning about gaming. What about a little five-year-old, who grabs his mommy\u2019s phone at the grocery story, because he\u2019s just beyond bored; and it\u2019s\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014a pacifier!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> What\u2019s happening in <em>his<\/em> brain?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Yes; you have to think your child\/you need your children to be able to soothe themselves. So just this whole idea of: \u201cI\u2019m bored; I can find a way to soothe myself,\u201d\u2014whether it\u2019s \u201cI start counting red items in the grocery store,\u201d\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right; right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> \u2014to \u201cI grab a book, and I start reading it,\u201d\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014or \u201cI start coloring.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cor I spy...\u201d \u201cI do things,\u201d\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> \u2014whether it\u2019s falling asleep, or whether it\u2019s just surviving a grocery store trip, etc. Those are really necessary skills. If a child, from a very young age\u2014whenever there is any kind of tension: \u201cOh, you know they are bored,\u201d or \u201cOh, they are making some noise,\u201d or \u201cThey are getting in the way,\u201d\u2014\u201cHere, have a screen,\u201d\u2014then it really becomes the <em>only<\/em> avenue that that child can be soothed.<\/p>\n<p>Now, you, as the parent or grandparent, you\u2019ve kind of unleashed this really ugly cycle that, when my child gets ugly, they need a screen; and nothing seems to pacify them like the screen. That\u2019s where the danger comes\u2014is now your child is conditioned, and their brain is conditioned that: \u201cThis is how I soothe myself,\u201d \u201cThis is how I amuse myself,\u201d and nothing else really compares to it. That\u2019s when we have to be like, \u201cOh no! This is not healthy.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> I have a coworker, who has a large family; and all of their children sit through church\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014all of them sit in the pew with them from the time they are like<\/p>\n<p>six months\/maybe, nine months\u2014they sit there. I remember other church members going and asking them, \u201cHow do you do this?!\u201d His answer was: \u201cWe don\u2019t let them watch half-hour shows; we have them do other things.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u201cWe have them do things at the house or outside,\u201d so they are not conditioned for a half-hour time period.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> So good; right?\u2014because that is now <em>normal<\/em>. When we feel so defeated, like, \u201cOh, our kids couldn\u2019t do that,\u201d your kids <em>can<\/em> do it; you know? It\u2019s just <em>our<\/em> responsibility to give them practice. The way they practice that is being okay with being bored\u2014so not to rescue your child every time they say, \u201cOh, I\u2019m bored,\u201d\u2014\u201cOh, here is a show you can watch.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> In your book, <em>Screen Kids<\/em>, you helped me see that the internet addiction disorder is actually a <em>thing<\/em>. Coach parents to see and just recognize what it looks like if your child is addicted.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Yes; so you would use this word, \u201caddiction.\u201d It would be the kind of thing that prolonged\/this prolonged behavior\u2014whatever it is\u2014is going to cause harm to your child so that you see: \u201cOkay; if my child continues doing this\u2014continues gaming this much\/continues on social media this much\u2014continues <em>needing<\/em> it, this is going to be really harmful for them.\u201d Maybe, you see that\u2014some of those warnings would be:<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThey are only happy when they are doing that activity; so they are only happy when they are able to game\/when the phone is in their hand.\u201d They sneak around to use it: \u201cWhat are you doing?\u201d \u201cOh, nothing,\u201d \u201cOh, you\u2019re playing a game; aren\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Nobody is waking up in the middle of the night to do their algebra homework online. You know we don\u2019t have to worry about school in this way; but what would your child wake up in the middle of the night to do; right?\u2014whether that is gaming, texting friends, be on social media, etc.\u2014so you see them doing it at strange times, like, \u201cWhat are you doing?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>They withdraw from people. Instead of maybe, \u201cHey, let\u2019s go to Grandma\u2019s house,\u201d \u201cOh, I\u2019d rather just stay home.\u201d You see this withdrawal with people; they prefer being with their devices rather than people. They start\/the activities they used to love\u2014maybe, they used to love playing the drums, or going running, or soccer\u2014and now, all of a sudden, they are like, \u201cYes; it\u2019s okay. I don\u2019t think I\u2019m going to try out for the team this year, Mom.\u201d Instead, they are interested in gaming, or social media, etc. You see them withdraw from other activities.<\/p>\n<p>When you start seeing these things\u2014and let\u2019s say they can\u2019t\u2014a great test is just go one day without it. You know, if we just took this\/if we just did something different for a day, or if we went camping for a weekend, if there are no complaints, then you can feel like, \u201cHey, they are doing pretty good\u201d; but if all weekend long\u2014it\u2019s: \u201cMan, we\u2019ve got to get home,\u201d \u201cMan, I\u2019ve got to get back on my social media,\u201d \u201cOh, my goodness! My streak is over; I\u2019ve got to get back on my video game,\u201d\u2014then you know, \u201cThis is a problem.\u201d Those are some ways that you can test it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> If they test it, and the parents find out\u2014or grandparents even\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014find out that something is happening here, and there is most likely an addiction, help a parent help a child.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> What do they do?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Yes; this is that whole idea of parents rising and grandparents rising. You\u2019ve got to do the hard work, now. Of course, the base of all of this has got to be relationship; right? We\u2019re not telling you: \u201cGo in there and clean up house!\u201d But I am saying, \u201cClean up house\u201d; but do it in way that your kids understand: \u201cI am on your side,\u201d as best you can. Maybe, this looks like an apology:<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHey, I\u2019ve let you play this video game, because I didn\u2019t want you to feel left out with your friends; but I see that you\u2019re gaming more and more. You used to just do it one hour a day. Now, you\u2019re kind of at two\/three hours a day; and I just don\u2019t think that\u2019s going to be healthy for you, going forward. I know that might be hard to understand, and this is a way you connect with your friends. I\u2019m really sorry for how this must feel to you.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m really sorry; but I think, as your parent, I have to be responsible. There are too many people flunking out of college because of a gaming addiction. I don\u2019t want that to be you. I want you to have a bright future, where you can choose what you want to do\u2014that you are not addicted to anything.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s the problem with digital media. For instance, if this was a cocaine problem, you could say, \u201cOkay; you cannot be near cocaine, because that\u2019s obviously a big deal for you.\u201d But for kids, they are going to be part of the online world for the rest of their lives. That\u2019s why it is so important, as kids, that we give them the chance of being kids\u2014of having a childhood\u2014of not graduating out of your home with this crutch of: \u201cMan, I\u2019ve got to play my video game or else I don\u2019t know what to do.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>To that parent, I would say, \u201cIt might sound really harsh, but the best thing you could do for your child is say, \u2018You know what? Until you go to college, that game\u2014we\u2019re not playing that at our house\u2014sorry.\u2019\u201d Is that going to be a popular decision?\u2014probably not\u2014but is that a decision that is really going to protect your child?\u2014yes.<\/p>\n<p>Because nobody says, as a parent: \u201cOh, you know, I should have let him game more; that would have just made his life so much better. If I just would have not been so strict, and I just would have let him game whenever he wanted to, that would have really helped him in life.\u201d No one says that\u2014like, \u201cI wish I would have given my girl social media sooner so she could have this slide of anxiety and depression,\u201d\u2014nobody says that; but they all say the opposite\u2014right?\u2014\u201cI wish I would have waited.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> We need to take a break; but when we come back, I want to hear from you how your kids are actually living life without smartphones. We\u2019ll be back in two minutes, and we\u2019ll hear that answer. Stay tuned.<\/p>\n<p>[Radio Station Spot Break]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Welcome back to <em>FamilyLife This Week<\/em>. I'm Michelle Hill. We are talking today with Arlene Pellicane, and she is the coauthor of a book entitled <em>Screen Kids<\/em>. She wrote it with Dr. Gary Chapman.<\/p>\n<p>Arlene, you have three children; and none of them have smartphones. I\u2019m just curious: \u201cWhat does your oldest think of that?\u201d\u2014because he has got to be in a time and a place, where he\u2019s going to school and either he needs to get a hold of you\u2014or his friends are like, \u201cDude, why don\u2019t you have a smartphone? Do you not have cool parents? Why couldn\u2019t you have talked them into that?\u201d I\u2019m just thinking there has got to be some issues going on that he has to face, whether getting in touch with you or your husband, or just being a young teenager.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Sure; I love this question; it\u2019s such a good question. Ethan is a junior. You have to see the philosophy is: \u201cKids these days\/they don\u2019t know how to solve their own problems.\u201d Because, when they have a problem, they grab their phone; they text their mom, and they say, \u201cWhat should I do?\u201d; mom tells them that.<\/p>\n<p>My husband James is like, \u201cNo; my children are not going to grow up that way. They are going to grow up the way I grew up, which means, \u2018I have a problem; I have to figure this out,\u2019\u2014there is a little bit of pain involved\u2014\u2018I figure this out.\u2019\u201d The joke is: \u201cOh, you don\u2019t have your own phone; but you can just ask your friend, who is one foot away from you, \u2018Hey, could I borrow your phone to text my mom?\u2019\u201d That is, in reality, what happens. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s communication\u2014my son was, before the pandemic, he is riding three miles to school on his bicycle by himself without a smartphone\u2014we\u2019ll talk about that. He\u2019ll say, \u201cMom, if I have a flat tire, then I will start walking, just like I would start walking if I had a smartphone; it doesn\u2019t matter.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>In the absence of the smartphone, you kind of have to figure things out. It really has been a plus for my son; because we always thought it was safer for him to travel without a phone\u2014right?\u2014of what could happen versus: \u201cOkay; we give the phone because it makes us feel like you are safe; but now, you are tempted to look at porn; now, you\u2019re tempted to play video games all the time; now, you\u2019re tempted to talk to friends that we\u2019re like, \u2018Who is this friend you are talking to?\u2019\u2014etc.<\/p>\n<p>We always felt like, \u201cWe want you to be independent\/to solve your own problems, and we don\u2019t want to put that kind of temptation right inside of your pocket.\u201d Those were just\u2014so it is important to see the why\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> \u2014and to communicate that to your child so they understand that. Now, my children, from the time they were very young, they\u2019ve known\u2014you know they, are two years old [speaking as a child]44: \u201cI will never have a smartphone,\u201d\u2014[Laughter]\u2014it wasn\u2019t like <em>news<\/em> to them. [Laughter] As a result, nobody asks; nobody badgers us, like, \u201cMom, we live in 2020; coronavirus; can we get a phone?\u201d Not one question during the coronavirus, like, \u201cMom, could we potentially get a phone now?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The way we handle it is\u2014they can grab my smartphone whenever they want to for group chats and staying in touch with people. My phone might blow up, but I don\u2019t care; that\u2019s great: \u201cPlease use my phone.\u201d Then they have Google Voice numbers, which allow them to chat with their friends. My son is the captain of the debate team, co-captain of a quiz bowl team; so he communicates all that through text on Google Voice on the computer. There is a way around it; because people will ask, \u201cHow does he communicate with people?\u201d He does it that way or uses my phone.<\/p>\n<p>He teaches piano lessons to elementary school students, so he uses that voice number for those kinds of calls; and again, with his friends too. He\/we have technology in the house; it\u2019s just that it\u2019s desktop or laptop technology that doesn\u2019t travel with you. That makes it easier so that you\u2019re not always checking, and you\u2019re not always looking.<\/p>\n<p>He has found a way\u2014and he is very frugal\u2014we told him, \u201cIf you ever do get a phone, like, you\u2019ll have to pay for it yourself.\u201d That is also part of it with kids\u2014[Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> \u2014is let them have buy-in and let them feel like, \u201cWow, this is expensive to have that.\u201d That\u2019s a good responsibility lesson and an economic lesson as well. Don\u2019t just give it to your kids; you know? For Ethan, he\u2019ll say, \u201cNo; even if you said I could have one, I probably wouldn\u2019t have one; because [speaking like son] it\u2019d be an unnecessary expense.\u201d Now, he is very frugal.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Oh funny.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> That works for him.<\/p>\n<p>I think, sometimes, we, as parents, we are fearful; and we project that onto our kids. But when we are confident, like, \u201cHey, you\u2019re going to make it just fine without a phone,\u201d they find a way. It\u2019s\/I think it\u2019s really good for them. You know, kids are going to be different; why not be different this way?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> And well, what I\u2019m hearing from you\u2014and also what I got from the book\u2014was that limiting time on smartphone, on a screen, on anything allows more conversation to flow.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s actually where we need to be.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Yes; that that\u2019s where you get your sense of belonging; because what\u2019s happening is\u2014say, your child is going into middle school or maybe they are in sixth, seventh, eighth grade\u2014they start talking about, like, \u201cHey, could I have that phone?\u201d You\u2019re thinking, \u201cOh, I want them to have the phone to connect with other people\u201d; but that\u2019s the age, where they are going to find their identity.<\/p>\n<p>They are really looking for belonging; and all of a sudden, if they are looking at that through social media, that\u2019s going to be the wrong benchmark. Then, all of a sudden, \u201cI have to be popular, because my body has to look like this.\u201d I have to be popular how people quantify it\u2014like: \u201cHow many followers do I have?\u201d \u201cHow many likes do I have?\u201d Now, it\u2019s a number; it\u2019s quantifiable. I can see, \u201cI\u2019m a loser\u201d; right?\u2014those are the wrong things.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s really sad that, during a very vulnerable part of our child\u2019s life, we\u2019re like, \u201cOkay; I guess everyone is doing this; here you go.\u201d Where I would say, \u201cDelay that device; delay social media.\u201d When they ask those questions, let them find the answers in: \u201cI really am good with animals,\u201d \u201cI take care of my dog,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m a good dog trainer,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m good at math,\u201d \u201cMy parents love me,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m useful at church,\u201d \u201cI volunteer.\u201d Let them find that belonging\/that meaning in other places. That\u2019s going to be so much healthier for your kid.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> How do we teach our kids how to love and honor God with our phones?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Yes; you know, I love the conversation you can have with kids about: \u201cIs this a digital vegetable, or is this digital candy?\u201d The idea would be: \u201cOf course, there is technology that is very helpful;\u201d\u2014like what you are listening to right now is because of the modern age of technology\u2014\u201cand we\u2019re trying to equip you to live for God in this world with your family.\u201d That\u2019s cool, so that\u2019s a digital vegetable. When your kids have to do online school\u2014so now they are online, and they are learning\u2014that\u2019s a vegetable. When they are Skyping Grandma, that\u2019s a vegetable.<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019ll know; because kids aren\u2019t like, \u201cOh, please, can I Skype Grandma in the middle of the night?\u201d So you\u2019ll know; [Laughter]they don\u2019t get addicted to these kinds of things. But of course, the candy is: YouTube, TikTok, social media\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> \u2014video games. That might be okay in small doses, but what typically happens\u2014it\u2019s like putting a bag of open M&amp;M\u2019s in your child\u2019s pocket and say, \u201cGood luck with that,\u201d\u2014\u201cI don\u2019t want you to eat any M&amp;M\u2019s; just eat one today.\u201d It\u2019s not going to happen; so good luck with <em>that<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>When you look at a digital vegetable, you can tell them, \u201cLook for things that honor God,\u201d\u2014those are usually the vegetables: those are the sermons that you listen to online; that\u2019s the water project you are learning about in Africa; that\u2019s getting in touch with your family members; that\u2019s, maybe, texting a friend and inviting them to church\u2014those are digital vegetables; those are ways to honor God. But the digital candy\u2014I tell you what\u2014if you, as a parent or grandparent\u2014just scroll through TikTok, you\u2019ll know there is not much there that glorifies and honors God at all.<\/p>\n<p>So that\u2019s a good parameter: \u201cDoes this honor God? Does this glorify God?\u201d And a way to talk to kids is: \u201cHey, is that a digital vegetable that\u2019s good for you, or is that digital candy?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s a good\/that\u2019s a really good point. Talk to a mom or a dad, who is exhausted. I\u2019m thinking, maybe, even a single mom or a single dad, who is exhausted at the end of the day. It\u2019s so easy to throw a screen at them or not to have the fight to go and play outside. Just coach them through how to have those conversations with their kids\/how to be present with their kids when they are exhausted.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Yes; I think there is going to be a point, where you are like: \u201cThe pain of staying the same is more than the pain of change\u201d; because it\u2019s so easy to just keep going. But there will be a point, where you\u2019ll have to reach, where it is like, \u201cMan, they\/this can\u2019t be this way. I\u2019ve got to do something.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>At that genesis of\u2014\u201cI\u2019ve got to change,\u201d then think of something really doable. Maybe, it\u2019s Friday night that you say, \u201cHey, guys, every Friday night now, we\u2019re going to do a family movie night instead of everyone just going off in their own corners and watching whatever they want. We\u2019re going to choose something that our whole family can watch together. We\u2019re going to pop popcorn, and that\u2019s going to be the <em>only<\/em> screen time of the whole evening.\u201d Maybe, you start with that; it\u2019s like, \u201cThat\u2019s doable. That means no video games, no social media; that\u2019s going to be our thing.\u201d You get that Friday night in place, and it starts working. You\u2019re like, \u201cHey, this is good.\u201d One Friday night, you say, \u201cYou get to choose a movie.\u201d Another Friday night, \u201cYou get to choose a movie,\u201d or \u201cRevenge!\u201d\u2014etc.<\/p>\n<p>Then, like you were saying for that exhausted parent, instead of being so overwhelmed, like, \u201cI\u2019m such a loser parent, doing nothing,\u201d just say, \u201cYou know what? For five minutes every day\u201d\u2014or maybe, ten minutes every day\u2014\u201cI\u2019m going to sit with my child; and I\u2019m going to read to them.\u201d Let\u2019s say you have a small child, and you\u2019re just overwhelmed; but you can do this. If you say to yourself: \u201cFrom 7 to 7:05, I can certainly stop everything, sit next to that child, and read for five minutes.\u201d You do that every night, five-minute read. All of a sudden, now, you\u2019re building a really healthy habit that, in time, will start to pull you; it\u2019ll be like, \u201cOkay; it\u2019s our reading time.\u201d Then it can grow from five minutes to ten minutes.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m not saying like [speaking strictly], \u201cOh, for good parents, you have to watch your child and be next to them the entire time they are home.\u201d No; but you do need these pockets that are screen-free, that are just you and your child\/you and your grandchild, and doing something together. Believe me, if you have a child, who is young enough that you can read to them, you <em>want<\/em> to take advantage of that time; because when they are teenagers, they don\u2019t want to sit next to you for you to read to them a book.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> They grow up too fast; they grow up <em>way<\/em> too fast.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> If you\u2019ve got a young child, you <em>need<\/em> to have that\u2014say, \u201cI can do that five minutes a night; I can do that,\u201d\u2014start there.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Arlene, thank you so much for, not only educating us on screens and the effect on our children, but coaching us through how to have stronger relationships with our children\/with our families. Thank you very much for joining me today.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Arlene:<\/strong> Thanks so much, Michelle.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Arlene Pellicane, coauthor of <em>Screen Kids<\/em> with Dr. Gary Chapman. If you\u2019re noticing problems with your child, I just encourage you not to wait to act or even to get help for them; because if I were you, I would so much rather hear from the doctor, \u201cDon\u2019t worry; this isn\u2019t that bad yet. Here are just some practical things to work on\u2026\u201d rather than, \u201cWell, you haven\u2019t caught this in time; your child needs some clinical intervention.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re wondering just what to look for, first take the <em>Screen Kids<\/em> quiz that Arlene has; and you can find that at our website at FamilyLifeThisWeek.com. We\u2019ll also have a link there to an article by Neurohealth Associates, which gives you further information on what is happening with screens and kids today.<\/p>\n<p>Hey, next week, on <em>FamilyLife This Week<\/em>, we\u2019re going to talk with Holley Gerth. She is going to walk us through a mission statement. What?!4\u2014you don\u2019t have a mission statement for your life!\u2014like: \u201cDo you know where you are going in life?\u201d \u201cDo you have something to look at?\u201d Maybe, something for you and your spouse to look at, or something as a whole family to look at, and really map out: \u201cWhere are you going in life?\u201d We\u2019ll talk with Holley Gerth about why that\u2019s important. That\u2019s next week on <em>FamilyLife This Week<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>Hey, thanks for listening! I want to thank the president of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, David Robbins, along with our station partners around the country. A big \u201cThank you!\u201d to our engineer today, Keith Lynch. Thanks to our producer, Marques Holt. Justin Adams is our mastering engineer, and Megan Martin is our production coordinator.<\/p>\n<p>Our program is a production of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, and our mission is to effectively develop godly families who change the world one home at a time.<\/p>\n<p>I'm Michelle Hill, inviting you to join us again next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife This Week.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a><\/p>\n<p>1<\/p>\n","theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/306671","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=306671"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294950"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=306671"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=306671"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=306671"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=306671"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=306671"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=306671"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}