{"id":306665,"date":"2021-01-06T07:01:05","date_gmt":"2021-01-06T12:01:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/habits-of-joy\/"},"modified":"2021-01-06T07:01:05","modified_gmt":"2021-01-06T12:01:05","slug":"habits-of-joy","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/habits-of-joy\/","title":{"rendered":"Habits of Joy"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Dr. Marcus Warner and Reverend Chris Coursey, authors of the book &#8220;The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Marriages,&#8221; reveal four habits that will make your marriage happier. Find out more about the habits of playing together, appreciating one another, listening for emotion, and nurturing a rhythm.<br \/>\nShow Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tFind Your Getaway at one of FamilyLife&#8217;s Weekend to Remember\u00ae marriage getaways.\u00a0 https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/weekend-to-remember<br \/>\n \tDownload FamilyLife&#8217;s new app! https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/<br \/>\n \tFind resources from this podcast at https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130.<br \/>\n \tCheck out all that&#8217;s available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.\u00a0 https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Dr. Marcus Warner and Reverend Chris Coursey reveal four habits to make your marriage happier.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-01-06.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:25:02","filesize":"22.93M","filesize_raw":"24042945","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2885,2862],"tags":[2877],"podcast_series":[8330],"cwp_profile":[9589,9588],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306665","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-good-marriages-made-better","category-understanding-differences","tag-marriage","podcast_series-the-4-habits-of-joy-filled-marriages","cwp_profile-chris-coursey","cwp_profile-marcus-warner","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306665\/habits-of-joy","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306665\/habits-of-joy","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"jcslDJpg1u\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/habits-of-joy\/\">Habits of Joy<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/habits-of-joy\/embed\/#?secret=jcslDJpg1u\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Habits of Joy&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"jcslDJpg1u\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-01-06.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2021-01-06.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We\u2019ve all had the experience of our marital communication breaking down at some point. Chris Coursey says one of the reasons why is because there are times when we try to provide the other person comfort without providing <em>first<\/em> validation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris: <\/strong>Validation is you say what you see: \u201cWow; you are <em>really<\/em> overwhelmed right now. I can see it; I can <em>hear<\/em> it.\u201d And then comfort is: \u201cWhat do we need when this happens? What would be helpful right now?\u201d\u2014\u201cLet\u2019s go for a walk,\u201d or \u201cLet\u2019s get a sitter, because we\u2019re going out tonight.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tValidation basically sets the stage for comfort. If I offer the comfort without the validation, then I\u2019m going to minimize; I\u2019m trying to fix it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, January 6<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. I'm Bob Lepine. You\u2019ll find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. There are ways we can improve our communication in marriage; and by doing so, improve the level of <em>joy<\/em> in our marriage. We\u2019ll talk about that today with Marcus Warner and Chris Coursey. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I remember back a number of months ago\u2014it was actually Labor Day\u2014we had the day off and didn\u2019t have anything planned. I had promised Mary Ann that we would do two things that day. The first thing was we were going to get the front hedges trimmed up. It was hot; I did not want to trim the hedges on the hot day. But we went out there together and we trimmed up the hedges. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe second thing was\u2014there is a little room in our garage that is kind of the junk room\u2014she wanted that\u2014pull everything out, clean it out; reassemble.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Mary Ann is my girl. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes, well\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019m with her. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Bob, this is Labor Day. You\u2019re supposed to rest.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s what I was thinking; right? [Laughter] I was thinking, \u201cHave Ann Wilson come do this with you. The two of you would do <em>great<\/em> at this. Dave and I could stay inside and watch something on TV.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I did that with her. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>About halfway through this cleaning out the room, I realized, \u201cThis is like my wife\u2019s best day ever\u201d; right? I\u2019m going, \u201cI just want to take a shower.\u201d She\u2019s like, \u201cThis is <em>wonderful<\/em> that we\u2019re able to get this stuff done. Doesn\u2019t it make you feel good?\u201d I said, \u201cNo, it makes me feel sweaty is what it makes me feel.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt is fascinating how those kinds of times together can start to open up things, relationally. We were working; it\u2019s not like we went out and had fun. It\u2019s not like we went out and had a date together; we just did a <em>chore<\/em> together. All of a sudden, she\u2019s\u2014I could see the <em>joy<\/em> increase in her. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I am married to the same woman. My wife <em>loves<\/em> that stuff. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I <em>love<\/em> working. If all the kids are out in the yard, and we\u2019re all working, I look at everybody like, \u201cIs this not the <em>best<\/em> day?\u201d They\u2019re all miserable; they\u2019re hating it! [Laughter] But for me\u2014that fills me up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I will say for Dave\u2014when we go play something, some sports or whatever, he is like a little boy; he\u2019s ten years old\u2014we\u2019ll laugh; we\u2019ll compete. I think what happens in marriage is we miss those times. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; we\u2019re talking about how to get those times back this week as we talk about the habits that lead to a joy-filled marriage. We\u2019ve got Marcus Warner and Chris Coursey joining us this week to talk about this. Guys, welcome back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris: <\/strong>It\u2019s good to be back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Marcus: <\/strong>Thank you; good to be here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Marcus is a conference speaker and author who has, for more than 30 years, worked with organizations on leadership issues, family issues, recovery issues. He is President of Deeper Walk International. Chris leads THRIVEtoday, a non-profit that, again, works with leaders and works on relationship issues. They\u2019ve worked together to create this book, <em>The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Marriages: How 15 Minutes a Day Will Help You Stay in Love.<\/em> \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn reading this, and even talking about doing the chores together, I\u2019m thinking about how, at our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaways, when couples carve out time to say, \u201cLet\u2019s <em>be<\/em> together and <em>do<\/em> things together,\u201d\u2014even if one of them goes, \u201cThat would not be my favorite way to spend a weekend or a day\u201d\u2014there\u2019s something that happens when you\u2019re doing stuff together that starts to open you up. We see that happen at the <em>Weekend to Remember.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, bottom line is you\u2019re pouring energy into what you would probably\u2014I would\u2014we would all say is the most important relationship in our life. So often, other relationships get all the energy and this doesn\u2019t; so you pull away for about 48 hours and you say, \u201cI\u2019m going to give energy.\u201d You said it, Bob. We\u2019ve been a part of this \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t30 years. <em>Every<\/em> <em>single time<\/em>, we see God show up and literally change people\u2019s marriages.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI do find it interesting\u2014on the back of your book, it says, \u201cWhat separates happy marriages from miserable ones? Surprisingly, it\u2019s not healthy communication. It\u2019s not conflict resolution skills. It\u2019s actually how often you experience joy.\u201d Let\u2019s talk about that, because you say there\u2019s four habits to finding joy in your marriage. Let\u2019s talk about the four habits. What are they?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Marcus: <\/strong>Sure, to make it easy to remember, we used the word, \u201cPLAN.\u201d You need to have a plan to grow the joy in your marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I like this guy. I like how he thinks: \u201cP-L-A-N.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> \u201cP-L-A-N.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHabit number one is \u201cP\u201d is \u201cPlay Together,\u201d\u2014right?\u2014which we\u2019ve all\u2014you stop and think about who your friends are, growing up; they\u2019re the people you like playing with. When you first get married, you\u2019re convinced, \u201cI\u2019m going to feel joy with this person forever because I love <em>doing<\/em> things with them. I love talking to them. We have so much joy together.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPlaying together and making sure that stays on your schedule\/that it stays a priority\u2014that you\u2019re finding ways to <em>grow<\/em> the areas in which you can play together\u2014for example, I know a couple\u2014he was really into NASCAR; she was really into HGTV\u2014so they made an agreement. He would start watching one HGTV show that his wife liked so they would have that in common. They were going to <em>expand<\/em> the area where they could share some joy. She went out and bought <em>The Complete Idiot\u2019s Guide to NASCAR<\/em>. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Did she really?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Marcus: <\/strong>Yes, she did. Then they bought tickets to a NASCAR event and went together. She came back with great joy in the fact that she knew more about NASCAR than most people she was sitting with because she had read this book. Again, that\u2019s just an example of <em>growing<\/em> the areas where you can play together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I have to tell you\u2014we have a mutual friend, Tim Kimmel, and his wife Darcy\u2014I\u2019ve never forgotten them saying this\u2014they said, \u201cWhen we were dating,\u201d Tim said, \u201cone of the things that really attracted me about Darcy is she loved Monday Night Football. We would get together and watch Monday Night Football. She loved\/she was <em>so<\/em> into the game.\u201d Darcy said, \u201cOne of the things that attracted me about Tim is when I was cutting out dress patterns, he would help me cut out the dress patterns. Now when we got married, my interest in Monday Night Football went completely away. His interest in helping with the dress patterns\u2026\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhy is it that, when we\u2019re dating, we\u2019ve got all this energy for this, and after we\u2019re married, all of this joy-together stuff just evaporates?!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, we stop playing together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris:<\/strong> Yes; part of the reason is dopamine, actually. Dopamine is\u2014when I do something that\u2019s new\u2014your brain, actually, has a novelty detector; so when you\u2019re doing something new, and somebody joins you in that, it feels <em>good<\/em> and you want to do that. But over time, you don\u2019t get the same feeling when you do this, so maybe you shift interests or hobbies to other things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe nice thing about relational joy is, no matter what it might be that you\u2019re doing, the goal is, \u201cAre we <em>glad<\/em> to be together while we\u2019re doing it?\u201d For play, for example, the brain is actually <em>wired<\/em> for play, so play is often a reflection of the <em>joy<\/em> in our marriage. Marriages with a lot of joy\u2014you\u2019ll find that they\u2019re playful, and they\u2019re playing, and they\u2019re regularly <em>doing<\/em> things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut as those joy levels start to drop\u2014because it\u2019s easy to start joy; it\u2019s harder to <em>sustain<\/em> joy over the long haul\u2014when that joy starts to fade, you\u2019ll notice couples kind of get into a rut. So learning something new, as a couple, would actually be <em>really<\/em> beneficial. My wife, for example, is wanting to go swing dancing, and I\u2019m <em>not<\/em> a dancer whatsoever. But she\u2019s always\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> That\u2019s true. I\u2019ve seen him. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris: <\/strong>Yes, it\u2019s <em>not<\/em> pretty. But it\u2019s something <em>new<\/em>, and it\u2019s something that we can do together, so we\u2019re going to do it just because, \u201cHey, play\u2019s good!\u201d You laugh; you smile; you have some fun, and you\u2019re doing it together. Those are the ingredients you want.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It sounds like play needs to be intentional\u2014the examples you\u2019re using\u2014people said, \u201cWe are intentionally going to create space to play,\u201d and that brings joy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> What we have found is\u2014we\u2019ll talk to couples that are struggling, and I\u2019ll ask this question: \u201cWhat are you guys doing to play, or to have fun, or to laugh together?\u201d \u201c<em>Nothing<\/em>.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>They don\u2019t even know <em>how <\/em>to do that again. You\u2019re saying\u2014as what you said, Dave\u2014we need to make it to be an intentional part of our relationships.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris: <\/strong>This applies directly to your sex life as well. We actually put sex under the category of play. The idea is that people are like, \u201cWhere are we going to find a better sex life?\u201d Well, if you\u2019re not playing together, chances are that\u2019s not going to do very well either; because then it just becomes a task that you\u2019ve got to get over\/got to get through. It brings up a whole other realm of issues. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have some good friends, who\u2019ve been with FamilyLife a long time, Bill and Pam Mutz\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, they\u2019re <em>masters<\/em> of play.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris:<\/strong> Exactly; when I was talking to them about the fact that we were going to be writing this book, Bill leans in; he\u2019s like, \u201cWhat\u2019s your first habit?\u201d I said, \u201cIt\u2019s playing together.\u201d He just <em>jumped<\/em> out of his chair. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor people who don\u2019t know them\u2014they\u2019ve got like 12 kids; they\u2019ve been married like \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t50 years\u2014they live with more joy than almost anybody I know. He said, \u201cYes, we\u2019ve been very intentional about building play into our calendar. It\u2019s one of the first things that goes onto the calendar when we set out our agenda for the year.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> When I read this section of your book, I thought, \u201cOne of the reasons our marriage is healthy is I\u2019m married to a woman that wants to play\u2014a lot.\u201d It got to the point when our boys were little, I\u2019d get into the shower, and almost every other shower an ice bucket douse of water would come <em>flying<\/em> over the top of the shower\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014from your wife?! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014from my wife and my little boys\u2014run out of the bathroom. I\u2019d be standing there\u2014just boooosh! I got to the point where I was locking the door. They had little things to open the door. I hear them all giggle and run out. There was just play. There really was. I\u2019d\/we\u2019d yell and get mad; and then I\u2019m realizing, \u201cThis is a good thing. [Laughter] Getting doused by ice water is a good thing.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, it\u2019s one of fifty things. We\u2019re working out, not too long ago\u2014we were down in the basement, working out\u2014and she says, \u201cLet\u2019s wrestle!\u201d [Laughter] I\u2019m like, \u201cWhat?!\u201d \u201cI don\u2019t think you can take me down!\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cWhat are you <em>doing<\/em> right now?!\u201d \u201cLet\u2019s go!\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cLeave me alone!\u201d I\u2019m running around; she <em>grabbed<\/em> me. Finally, I pinned her; and we\u2019re laying there, just <em>laughing<\/em>\u2014like, \u201cWhat is wrong with us?!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris: <\/strong>That\u2019s wonderful. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Marcus: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Again, reading what you said about the brain\u2014I\u2019d <em>never<\/em> had any understanding\u2014right now, the joy bucket\/the joy center of my brain is, actually, still growing. That\u2019s a <em>beautiful<\/em> thing. I had <em>no idea<\/em> of the brain science behind it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, talk about <em>that<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> You definitely want your wife and husband to be your play friends, as well as just your business partner. In terms of the brain behind the joy\u2014there is in your front of your brain, something called the right orbital pre-frontal cortex, which is\u2014we call the joy bucket. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I like joy bucket better. [Laughter] That\u2019s easier.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> The joy bucket basically is the part of your brain that grows with the experience of joy and rest. Maybe you\u2019ve seen a baby in a grocery store, and the baby locks eyes with you and gets really excited, and you share joy. The baby gets so excited that they finally just turn away. Then, a couple of seconds later, they look back and their seeing you: \u201cAre you still there? Will you do this again?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat\u2019s happened was, basically, their joy bucket got full; they couldn\u2019t handle any more joy. It would actually almost become traumatizing to them at that point to have more joy, so they had to look away\u2014and that\u2019s the rest time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJust like when you lift weights, you\u2019re not actually growing your muscles while you\u2019re lifting the weights; you\u2019re growing your muscles in the rest time in between. You\u2019re actually damaging your muscles while you lift; then they recover. In the same way, we need joy <em>and<\/em> rest, that combination\/that rhythm that grows the joy bucket in your brain. The bigger that bucket <em>gets<\/em>, the easier it is for us to return to joy from upsetting things and the more natural it is for us to live out of a place of joy rather than fear. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris: <\/strong>You can see God\u2019s signature in how this works, because so much of the brain works on a \u201cUse it or lose it\u201d cycle. You either use it over time or your brain says, \u201cHey, we can get rid of that.\u201d There are seasons: certain things grow during this window of time, but it won\u2019t grow later. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHowever, with this joy bucket that Marcus is talking about, it has something called fetal biochemistry, which means it can grow over the <em>lifetime<\/em>. It grows in response to joy-filled relationships and joyful moments, so every time that baby looks and sees the smile on someone\u2019s face, this is the part of the brain that\u2019s working out and getting stronger and stronger.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe had my 96-year-old grandmother living with us. We would do a version of these exercises every night at the dinner table. It was amazing to watch my young sons building joy, but then, over here, my grandmother who\u2019s in her 90s building joy. Her joy bucket is still getting a workout as long as there\u2019s relational, authentic, genuine glad-to-be-togetherness. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s not happiness; it\u2019s not like we\u2019re forcing it: \u201cWe\u2019re faking it \u2018til we make it.\u201d Oh, no, this is, \u201cI\u2019m <em>genuinely<\/em> glad to be with you, and I\u2019m <em>glad<\/em> that we\u2019re together right here.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So playing together is key to joy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s the \u201cP,\u201d Bob. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What\u2019s the\u2014what\u2019s the \u201cL\u201d in the PLAN.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Marcus: <\/strong>Alright, \u201cL\u201d is \u201cListening for Emotion.\u201d This is based off the idea that our left brain and right brain operate differently. Left brain tends to listen for problems; right brain tends to listen for emotions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou think about it\u2014a lot of times when we\u2019re listening to somebody, if we\u2019re listening in a left-brain fashion\u2014as soon as I hear the problem, I lose all curiosity about where the rest of this is going. My switch shuts down; I become non-relational. Now, at this point, all I want to do is talk about your problem\/solve your problem. I largely want to solve your problem so that you\u2019ll go away. It\u2019s really sort of a selfish motivation to solve your problem, because I don\u2019t want to deal with this any longer than I have to.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhereas, when I\u2019m listening for emotion, what I\u2019m doing is I\u2019m listening to: \u201c<em>How<\/em> is this affecting you? Is this making you sad? Is this making you feel overwhelmed; in despair? Is this making you feel joyful and excited? What\u2019s the emotion?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI find that if I\u2019m listening for emotion and I can validate the emotion, I don\u2019t lose my problem-solving capabilities; right? If I\u2019m listening for emotion, I will <em>always<\/em> be able to come back and do the problem solving. But it doesn\u2019t work the other way around. If I\u2019m listening for the problems only and I\u2019m doing the problem solving first, I will <em>never<\/em> get to the emotion. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe want to listen for the emotion <em>first<\/em> is the skill that\u2019s involved here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think a lot of us don\u2019t understand how to do that. We do exactly what you said; I\u2019ve done that. I tell you what\u2014when I read your example of the couple, before they got married\u2014about him wanting to build a house\u2014tell that story, because that helped me understand, \u201c<em>That\u2019s<\/em> what it means to listen for emotion.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Marcus: <\/strong>Yes, we had a pre-marital counseling appointment. The couple that was there for counseling. I asked them, \u201cDo you have anything that you argue about?\u201d They both looked at each other like, \u201cYes, we know what that is.\u201d I said, \u201cWhy don\u2019t you do it in front of me while you\u2019ve got a third party present?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey started to arguing over whether or not they should build the house before they got married or wait until after they were married to build the house. This guy was an engineer. He literally pulled the piece of paper out of his back pocket with seven bullet-pointed reasons why it made more sense to build the house before they got married. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said, \u201cAlright, I\u2019ve had enough fun here. We\u2019ll take a time out. Why don\u2019t we do this?\u201d\u2014I\u2019m going to give the guy the assignment\u2014\u201cYou listen to your wife explain this to you. Now all I want you to do is listen for the emotion and name it accurately.\u201d She goes into this explanation, \u201cYou know, I\u2019m just concerned that if you\u2019re building a house, we\u2019re going to get to one of the biggest days in my life, and I\u2019ll find myself going through this\u2026\u201d She was kind of all over the place; you had to listen for it a little bit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI got done; I\u2019m thinking in the back of my mind, \u201cFear\u2014she\u2019s clearly afraid.\u201d I said, \u201cWhat emotion did you hear?\u201d He goes, \u201c<em>Anger<\/em>.\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cWhoa!\u201d I mean, it so caught me off guard; it was so <em>obvious<\/em> she was feeling fear. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m like\/I told him, \u201cYou are either <em>very<\/em> intuitive or a really bad listener.\u201d [Laughter] He said, \u201cI think I\u2019m really intuitive.\u201d I was like, \u201cOkay, where did you hear anger?\u201d He said, \u201cShe knows she\u2019s losing this argument.\u201d\u2014which tells me something\u2014because when my right brain is shut down and I\u2019m totally in my left brain, not only am I in a problem-solving mode, but I\u2019m also\u2014life is all about winning and losing. That is a clear sign that my right brain is shut down, and I\u2019m totally in my left brain. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m like, \u201cAlright, let\u2019s try this again. Only this time you tell her what emotions she <em>thinks<\/em> she\u2019s feeling.\u201d To his credit, he hit a home run. He did it perfectly; so well that she started crying, like, \u201cI feel seen; I feel understood; I feel recognized.\u201d She goes, \u201cGo ahead and build the house.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI went, \u201cTime out. He doesn\u2019t get off that easy.\u201d [Laughter] He was convinced that he had only logical, rational reasons for wanting to do this\u2014there was nothing emotional about it\u2014until she started asking questions\/pulling it out of him\u2014began to realize what he really wanted was to make his dad proud. Once he put his finger on that emotion, now they\u2019re both crying; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI asked them\u2014they ended up actually waiting until after the marriage to build the house\u2014but they got to a point where they had to keep the relationship bigger than the problem. One of the ways you keep the relationship bigger than the problem is by listening for the emotion and validating that emotion first. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris:<\/strong> That way you feel <em>seen<\/em>; you feel understood, like: \u201cI feel like he gets me,\u201d \u201cI feel like she understands me now,\u201d \u2014<em>that\u2019s<\/em> the ingredient right there\u2014that if I <em>don\u2019t<\/em> feel understood by you, or you minimize or you try to fix it, we\u2019re not even in the same boat. This isn\u2019t going to feel very good, going forward. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This has been talked about for years\u2014that guys are always trying to <em>fix<\/em> things; we\u2019re the logical ones\u2014wives are like [tearfully], \u201cI don\u2019t want you to fix it. I just want you to hear me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIs there something about men and women that men tend to gravitate toward this?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Let me give an example of this. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> No, don\u2019t! Don\u2019t! Don\u2019t! I know what she\u2019s going to say! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> At this time, we had three boys under five. Dave came in one day, and I\u2019m crying. I told Dave\/he goes, \u201cWhat happened?\u201d I said, \u201cI feel like a bad mom. I feel like I don\u2019t know what I\u2019m doing. I feel like my life is out of control. I don\u2019t have a life. I think I\u2019m <em>terrible<\/em> at this.\u201d He\u2019s listening, and he goes upstairs. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I said, \u201cI\u2019ll be right back. I\u2019ve got to go do something.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> He comes down with a piece of paper. I\u2019m thinking, \u201cHe wrote me a love note. He\u2019s going to encourage me!\u201d I take it out of his hand. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe said, \u201cHere,\u201d\u2014it\u2019s numbered one to ten\u2014I\u2019m like, \u201cOkay; ten reasons why I\u2019m a good mom.\u201d I read it out loud; I say, \u201cOh, hon! \u2018Number one: get more organized.\u2019\u201d [Laughter] Wait; then I\u2019m thinking, \u201cOh, well, I must be reading this right. \u2018Number two: use your time more wisely.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Okay; you get the idea. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I take it; I said, \u201cWhat is this?!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Watch this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>He said, \u201cI\u2019m helping you.\u201d I said, \u201cYou think this is helping me?\u201d I took it and I ripped it up into little pieces, and I threw it in his face. Then tell them what you said.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I said, \u201cThat was from God,\u201d\u2014I <em>really<\/em> said that\u2014\u201cThat was from God.\u201d Because I\u2019d run upstairs and I prayed. I felt like God gave me \u201cTen Ways to Make Your Life Better\u201d-type deal. She threw it. That was the day\u2014we can mark it, where she said, \u201cThat\u2019s not what I\u2019m looking for,\u201d\u2014what Bob said: I thought she really did want me to fix it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m not saying I\u2019m great at listening for emotion; but I started to learn, early in my marriage, it\u2019s like, \u201cIt\u2019s bigger than this.\u201d I <em>never<\/em> did this though\u2014I never connected what <em>you<\/em> guys have just brought to this thing\u2014\u201cIf I do listen, and she feels heard, joy comes.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s a motivator that can change your marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris:<\/strong> That\u2019s it. You know that\u2019s\u2014what you had in that story\u2014you had good intentions, but the attunement was missing. The attunement is listening for emotions; going, \u201cWow; I hear you\u2019re really overwhelmed. This sounds <em>awful<\/em>.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMarcus and I call it, \u201cValidation and Comfort.\u201d Validation is you say what you see: \u201cWow; you are <em>really<\/em> overwhelmed right now. I can see it; I can <em>hear<\/em> it.\u201d And then comfort is: \u201cWhat do we need when this happens? What would be helpful right now?\u201d\u2014\u201cLet\u2019s go for a walk,\u201d or \u201cLet\u2019s get a sitter, because we\u2019re going out tonight.\u201d Validation basically sets the stage for comfort. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> VCR, VCR.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris:<\/strong> That\u2019s it! If I offer the comfort, without the validation, then it\u2019s just\/I\u2019m going to minimize; I\u2019m trying to fix it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Alright, the fourth area in your PLAN\u2014you \u201cPlay Together\u201d\u2014you \u201cListen for Emotion\u201d\u2014you \u201cAppreciate Daily\u201d\u2014\u201cNurture Rhythm\u201d is the fourth one. We are failures at this because we have no time to talk about this on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. [Laughter] We did not nurture the rhythm, so folks are going to have to buy a copy of your book to figure out how to finish the PLAN; aren\u2019t they? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> I\u2019m crushed. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Is that okay with you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris:<\/strong> Yes; no, that\u2019s good. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Guys, thank you for being here. This has been <em>so<\/em> helpful and I think very practical for how we can cultivate joy. We\u2019re grateful for your book, and thanks for the time on <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris:<\/strong> Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> We really appreciate the opportunity.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019ve copies of the book, <em>The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Marriages<\/em>, in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can go, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com to order your copy; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, the title of Chris and Marcus\u2019s book is<em> The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Marriages: How 15 Minutes a Day Will Help You Stay in Love.<\/em> Go to FamilyLifeToday.com to get your copy, or call to order at 1-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI know many of you have wondered about the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> getaways that we host, here at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>: \u201cWhat\u2019s going on with those?\u201d We have started making plans for some spring getaways\u2014a limited number with limited seating\u2014in fact, we expect most of these getaways are going to sell out because of the limited seating and the social distancing we\u2019ll be doing at these events. There\u2019s more information about the few events we\u2019re hosting this spring online at FamilyLifeToday.com. If this is something that you\u2019ve been wanting to do or needing to do, go to FamilyLifeToday.com to find out more about the dates and locations for upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor those of you who can\u2019t get to a getaway, we want to bring one to you. We have been developing a \u201cFamilyLife Dates to Remember\u201d date box that includes everything you need for three great dates together as a couple. We\u2019ll have more information about this coming up later on this month. We\u2019ll have it out in time for Valentine\u2019s Day, so keep your eyes and ears open for information about the \u201cDates to Remember\u201d date box from FamilyLife. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you can join us back tomorrow. We\u2019re going to talk to an NFL quarterback, Kirk Cousins, and his wife, Julie\u2014find out about their relationship\u2014how it got started and how they deal with the pressure of living life in a sports bubble, especially when you a have season where things didn\u2019t go exactly the way everybody was hoping they would go. We\u2019ll introduce you to Kirk and Julie tomorrow. I hope you can be with us for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. 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Marcus Warner and Reverend Chris Coursey reveal four habits to make your marriage happier.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2021-01-06.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We\u2019ve all had the experience of our marital communication breaking down at some point. Chris Coursey says one of the reasons why is because there are times when we try to provide the other person comfort without providing <em>first<\/em> validation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris: <\/strong>Validation is you say what you see: \u201cWow; you are <em>really<\/em> overwhelmed right now. I can see it; I can <em>hear<\/em> it.\u201d And then comfort is: \u201cWhat do we need when this happens? What would be helpful right now?\u201d\u2014\u201cLet\u2019s go for a walk,\u201d or \u201cLet\u2019s get a sitter, because we\u2019re going out tonight.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tValidation basically sets the stage for comfort. If I offer the comfort without the validation, then I\u2019m going to minimize; I\u2019m trying to fix it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, January 6<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. I'm Bob Lepine. You\u2019ll find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. There are ways we can improve our communication in marriage; and by doing so, improve the level of <em>joy<\/em> in our marriage. We\u2019ll talk about that today with Marcus Warner and Chris Coursey. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I remember back a number of months ago\u2014it was actually Labor Day\u2014we had the day off and didn\u2019t have anything planned. I had promised Mary Ann that we would do two things that day. The first thing was we were going to get the front hedges trimmed up. It was hot; I did not want to trim the hedges on the hot day. But we went out there together and we trimmed up the hedges. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe second thing was\u2014there is a little room in our garage that is kind of the junk room\u2014she wanted that\u2014pull everything out, clean it out; reassemble.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Mary Ann is my girl. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes, well\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019m with her. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Bob, this is Labor Day. You\u2019re supposed to rest.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s what I was thinking; right? [Laughter] I was thinking, \u201cHave Ann Wilson come do this with you. The two of you would do <em>great<\/em> at this. Dave and I could stay inside and watch something on TV.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I did that with her. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>About halfway through this cleaning out the room, I realized, \u201cThis is like my wife\u2019s best day ever\u201d; right? I\u2019m going, \u201cI just want to take a shower.\u201d She\u2019s like, \u201cThis is <em>wonderful<\/em> that we\u2019re able to get this stuff done. Doesn\u2019t it make you feel good?\u201d I said, \u201cNo, it makes me feel sweaty is what it makes me feel.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt is fascinating how those kinds of times together can start to open up things, relationally. We were working; it\u2019s not like we went out and had fun. It\u2019s not like we went out and had a date together; we just did a <em>chore<\/em> together. All of a sudden, she\u2019s\u2014I could see the <em>joy<\/em> increase in her. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I am married to the same woman. My wife <em>loves<\/em> that stuff. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I <em>love<\/em> working. If all the kids are out in the yard, and we\u2019re all working, I look at everybody like, \u201cIs this not the <em>best<\/em> day?\u201d They\u2019re all miserable; they\u2019re hating it! [Laughter] But for me\u2014that fills me up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I will say for Dave\u2014when we go play something, some sports or whatever, he is like a little boy; he\u2019s ten years old\u2014we\u2019ll laugh; we\u2019ll compete. I think what happens in marriage is we miss those times. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; we\u2019re talking about how to get those times back this week as we talk about the habits that lead to a joy-filled marriage. We\u2019ve got Marcus Warner and Chris Coursey joining us this week to talk about this. Guys, welcome back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris: <\/strong>It\u2019s good to be back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Marcus: <\/strong>Thank you; good to be here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Marcus is a conference speaker and author who has, for more than 30 years, worked with organizations on leadership issues, family issues, recovery issues. He is President of Deeper Walk International. Chris leads THRIVEtoday, a non-profit that, again, works with leaders and works on relationship issues. They\u2019ve worked together to create this book, <em>The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Marriages: How 15 Minutes a Day Will Help You Stay in Love.<\/em> \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn reading this, and even talking about doing the chores together, I\u2019m thinking about how, at our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaways, when couples carve out time to say, \u201cLet\u2019s <em>be<\/em> together and <em>do<\/em> things together,\u201d\u2014even if one of them goes, \u201cThat would not be my favorite way to spend a weekend or a day\u201d\u2014there\u2019s something that happens when you\u2019re doing stuff together that starts to open you up. We see that happen at the <em>Weekend to Remember.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, bottom line is you\u2019re pouring energy into what you would probably\u2014I would\u2014we would all say is the most important relationship in our life. So often, other relationships get all the energy and this doesn\u2019t; so you pull away for about 48 hours and you say, \u201cI\u2019m going to give energy.\u201d You said it, Bob. We\u2019ve been a part of this \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t30 years. <em>Every<\/em> <em>single time<\/em>, we see God show up and literally change people\u2019s marriages.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI do find it interesting\u2014on the back of your book, it says, \u201cWhat separates happy marriages from miserable ones? Surprisingly, it\u2019s not healthy communication. It\u2019s not conflict resolution skills. It\u2019s actually how often you experience joy.\u201d Let\u2019s talk about that, because you say there\u2019s four habits to finding joy in your marriage. Let\u2019s talk about the four habits. What are they?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Marcus: <\/strong>Sure, to make it easy to remember, we used the word, \u201cPLAN.\u201d You need to have a plan to grow the joy in your marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I like this guy. I like how he thinks: \u201cP-L-A-N.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> \u201cP-L-A-N.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHabit number one is \u201cP\u201d is \u201cPlay Together,\u201d\u2014right?\u2014which we\u2019ve all\u2014you stop and think about who your friends are, growing up; they\u2019re the people you like playing with. When you first get married, you\u2019re convinced, \u201cI\u2019m going to feel joy with this person forever because I love <em>doing<\/em> things with them. I love talking to them. We have so much joy together.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPlaying together and making sure that stays on your schedule\/that it stays a priority\u2014that you\u2019re finding ways to <em>grow<\/em> the areas in which you can play together\u2014for example, I know a couple\u2014he was really into NASCAR; she was really into HGTV\u2014so they made an agreement. He would start watching one HGTV show that his wife liked so they would have that in common. They were going to <em>expand<\/em> the area where they could share some joy. She went out and bought <em>The Complete Idiot\u2019s Guide to NASCAR<\/em>. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Did she really?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Marcus: <\/strong>Yes, she did. Then they bought tickets to a NASCAR event and went together. She came back with great joy in the fact that she knew more about NASCAR than most people she was sitting with because she had read this book. Again, that\u2019s just an example of <em>growing<\/em> the areas where you can play together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I have to tell you\u2014we have a mutual friend, Tim Kimmel, and his wife Darcy\u2014I\u2019ve never forgotten them saying this\u2014they said, \u201cWhen we were dating,\u201d Tim said, \u201cone of the things that really attracted me about Darcy is she loved Monday Night Football. We would get together and watch Monday Night Football. She loved\/she was <em>so<\/em> into the game.\u201d Darcy said, \u201cOne of the things that attracted me about Tim is when I was cutting out dress patterns, he would help me cut out the dress patterns. Now when we got married, my interest in Monday Night Football went completely away. His interest in helping with the dress patterns\u2026\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhy is it that, when we\u2019re dating, we\u2019ve got all this energy for this, and after we\u2019re married, all of this joy-together stuff just evaporates?!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, we stop playing together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris:<\/strong> Yes; part of the reason is dopamine, actually. Dopamine is\u2014when I do something that\u2019s new\u2014your brain, actually, has a novelty detector; so when you\u2019re doing something new, and somebody joins you in that, it feels <em>good<\/em> and you want to do that. But over time, you don\u2019t get the same feeling when you do this, so maybe you shift interests or hobbies to other things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe nice thing about relational joy is, no matter what it might be that you\u2019re doing, the goal is, \u201cAre we <em>glad<\/em> to be together while we\u2019re doing it?\u201d For play, for example, the brain is actually <em>wired<\/em> for play, so play is often a reflection of the <em>joy<\/em> in our marriage. Marriages with a lot of joy\u2014you\u2019ll find that they\u2019re playful, and they\u2019re playing, and they\u2019re regularly <em>doing<\/em> things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut as those joy levels start to drop\u2014because it\u2019s easy to start joy; it\u2019s harder to <em>sustain<\/em> joy over the long haul\u2014when that joy starts to fade, you\u2019ll notice couples kind of get into a rut. So learning something new, as a couple, would actually be <em>really<\/em> beneficial. My wife, for example, is wanting to go swing dancing, and I\u2019m <em>not<\/em> a dancer whatsoever. But she\u2019s always\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> That\u2019s true. I\u2019ve seen him. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris: <\/strong>Yes, it\u2019s <em>not<\/em> pretty. But it\u2019s something <em>new<\/em>, and it\u2019s something that we can do together, so we\u2019re going to do it just because, \u201cHey, play\u2019s good!\u201d You laugh; you smile; you have some fun, and you\u2019re doing it together. Those are the ingredients you want.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It sounds like play needs to be intentional\u2014the examples you\u2019re using\u2014people said, \u201cWe are intentionally going to create space to play,\u201d and that brings joy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> What we have found is\u2014we\u2019ll talk to couples that are struggling, and I\u2019ll ask this question: \u201cWhat are you guys doing to play, or to have fun, or to laugh together?\u201d \u201c<em>Nothing<\/em>.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>They don\u2019t even know <em>how <\/em>to do that again. You\u2019re saying\u2014as what you said, Dave\u2014we need to make it to be an intentional part of our relationships.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris: <\/strong>This applies directly to your sex life as well. We actually put sex under the category of play. The idea is that people are like, \u201cWhere are we going to find a better sex life?\u201d Well, if you\u2019re not playing together, chances are that\u2019s not going to do very well either; because then it just becomes a task that you\u2019ve got to get over\/got to get through. It brings up a whole other realm of issues. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have some good friends, who\u2019ve been with FamilyLife a long time, Bill and Pam Mutz\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, they\u2019re <em>masters<\/em> of play.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris:<\/strong> Exactly; when I was talking to them about the fact that we were going to be writing this book, Bill leans in; he\u2019s like, \u201cWhat\u2019s your first habit?\u201d I said, \u201cIt\u2019s playing together.\u201d He just <em>jumped<\/em> out of his chair. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor people who don\u2019t know them\u2014they\u2019ve got like 12 kids; they\u2019ve been married like \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t50 years\u2014they live with more joy than almost anybody I know. He said, \u201cYes, we\u2019ve been very intentional about building play into our calendar. It\u2019s one of the first things that goes onto the calendar when we set out our agenda for the year.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> When I read this section of your book, I thought, \u201cOne of the reasons our marriage is healthy is I\u2019m married to a woman that wants to play\u2014a lot.\u201d It got to the point when our boys were little, I\u2019d get into the shower, and almost every other shower an ice bucket douse of water would come <em>flying<\/em> over the top of the shower\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014from your wife?! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014from my wife and my little boys\u2014run out of the bathroom. I\u2019d be standing there\u2014just boooosh! I got to the point where I was locking the door. They had little things to open the door. I hear them all giggle and run out. There was just play. There really was. I\u2019d\/we\u2019d yell and get mad; and then I\u2019m realizing, \u201cThis is a good thing. [Laughter] Getting doused by ice water is a good thing.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, it\u2019s one of fifty things. We\u2019re working out, not too long ago\u2014we were down in the basement, working out\u2014and she says, \u201cLet\u2019s wrestle!\u201d [Laughter] I\u2019m like, \u201cWhat?!\u201d \u201cI don\u2019t think you can take me down!\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cWhat are you <em>doing<\/em> right now?!\u201d \u201cLet\u2019s go!\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cLeave me alone!\u201d I\u2019m running around; she <em>grabbed<\/em> me. Finally, I pinned her; and we\u2019re laying there, just <em>laughing<\/em>\u2014like, \u201cWhat is wrong with us?!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris: <\/strong>That\u2019s wonderful. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Marcus: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Again, reading what you said about the brain\u2014I\u2019d <em>never<\/em> had any understanding\u2014right now, the joy bucket\/the joy center of my brain is, actually, still growing. That\u2019s a <em>beautiful<\/em> thing. I had <em>no idea<\/em> of the brain science behind it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, talk about <em>that<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> You definitely want your wife and husband to be your play friends, as well as just your business partner. In terms of the brain behind the joy\u2014there is in your front of your brain, something called the right orbital pre-frontal cortex, which is\u2014we call the joy bucket. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I like joy bucket better. [Laughter] That\u2019s easier.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> The joy bucket basically is the part of your brain that grows with the experience of joy and rest. Maybe you\u2019ve seen a baby in a grocery store, and the baby locks eyes with you and gets really excited, and you share joy. The baby gets so excited that they finally just turn away. Then, a couple of seconds later, they look back and their seeing you: \u201cAre you still there? Will you do this again?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat\u2019s happened was, basically, their joy bucket got full; they couldn\u2019t handle any more joy. It would actually almost become traumatizing to them at that point to have more joy, so they had to look away\u2014and that\u2019s the rest time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJust like when you lift weights, you\u2019re not actually growing your muscles while you\u2019re lifting the weights; you\u2019re growing your muscles in the rest time in between. You\u2019re actually damaging your muscles while you lift; then they recover. In the same way, we need joy <em>and<\/em> rest, that combination\/that rhythm that grows the joy bucket in your brain. The bigger that bucket <em>gets<\/em>, the easier it is for us to return to joy from upsetting things and the more natural it is for us to live out of a place of joy rather than fear. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris: <\/strong>You can see God\u2019s signature in how this works, because so much of the brain works on a \u201cUse it or lose it\u201d cycle. You either use it over time or your brain says, \u201cHey, we can get rid of that.\u201d There are seasons: certain things grow during this window of time, but it won\u2019t grow later. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHowever, with this joy bucket that Marcus is talking about, it has something called fetal biochemistry, which means it can grow over the <em>lifetime<\/em>. It grows in response to joy-filled relationships and joyful moments, so every time that baby looks and sees the smile on someone\u2019s face, this is the part of the brain that\u2019s working out and getting stronger and stronger.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe had my 96-year-old grandmother living with us. We would do a version of these exercises every night at the dinner table. It was amazing to watch my young sons building joy, but then, over here, my grandmother who\u2019s in her 90s building joy. Her joy bucket is still getting a workout as long as there\u2019s relational, authentic, genuine glad-to-be-togetherness. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s not happiness; it\u2019s not like we\u2019re forcing it: \u201cWe\u2019re faking it \u2018til we make it.\u201d Oh, no, this is, \u201cI\u2019m <em>genuinely<\/em> glad to be with you, and I\u2019m <em>glad<\/em> that we\u2019re together right here.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So playing together is key to joy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s the \u201cP,\u201d Bob. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What\u2019s the\u2014what\u2019s the \u201cL\u201d in the PLAN.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Marcus: <\/strong>Alright, \u201cL\u201d is \u201cListening for Emotion.\u201d This is based off the idea that our left brain and right brain operate differently. Left brain tends to listen for problems; right brain tends to listen for emotions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou think about it\u2014a lot of times when we\u2019re listening to somebody, if we\u2019re listening in a left-brain fashion\u2014as soon as I hear the problem, I lose all curiosity about where the rest of this is going. My switch shuts down; I become non-relational. Now, at this point, all I want to do is talk about your problem\/solve your problem. I largely want to solve your problem so that you\u2019ll go away. It\u2019s really sort of a selfish motivation to solve your problem, because I don\u2019t want to deal with this any longer than I have to.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhereas, when I\u2019m listening for emotion, what I\u2019m doing is I\u2019m listening to: \u201c<em>How<\/em> is this affecting you? Is this making you sad? Is this making you feel overwhelmed; in despair? Is this making you feel joyful and excited? What\u2019s the emotion?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI find that if I\u2019m listening for emotion and I can validate the emotion, I don\u2019t lose my problem-solving capabilities; right? If I\u2019m listening for emotion, I will <em>always<\/em> be able to come back and do the problem solving. But it doesn\u2019t work the other way around. If I\u2019m listening for the problems only and I\u2019m doing the problem solving first, I will <em>never<\/em> get to the emotion. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe want to listen for the emotion <em>first<\/em> is the skill that\u2019s involved here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think a lot of us don\u2019t understand how to do that. We do exactly what you said; I\u2019ve done that. I tell you what\u2014when I read your example of the couple, before they got married\u2014about him wanting to build a house\u2014tell that story, because that helped me understand, \u201c<em>That\u2019s<\/em> what it means to listen for emotion.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Marcus: <\/strong>Yes, we had a pre-marital counseling appointment. The couple that was there for counseling. I asked them, \u201cDo you have anything that you argue about?\u201d They both looked at each other like, \u201cYes, we know what that is.\u201d I said, \u201cWhy don\u2019t you do it in front of me while you\u2019ve got a third party present?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey started to arguing over whether or not they should build the house before they got married or wait until after they were married to build the house. This guy was an engineer. He literally pulled the piece of paper out of his back pocket with seven bullet-pointed reasons why it made more sense to build the house before they got married. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said, \u201cAlright, I\u2019ve had enough fun here. We\u2019ll take a time out. Why don\u2019t we do this?\u201d\u2014I\u2019m going to give the guy the assignment\u2014\u201cYou listen to your wife explain this to you. Now all I want you to do is listen for the emotion and name it accurately.\u201d She goes into this explanation, \u201cYou know, I\u2019m just concerned that if you\u2019re building a house, we\u2019re going to get to one of the biggest days in my life, and I\u2019ll find myself going through this\u2026\u201d She was kind of all over the place; you had to listen for it a little bit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI got done; I\u2019m thinking in the back of my mind, \u201cFear\u2014she\u2019s clearly afraid.\u201d I said, \u201cWhat emotion did you hear?\u201d He goes, \u201c<em>Anger<\/em>.\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cWhoa!\u201d I mean, it so caught me off guard; it was so <em>obvious<\/em> she was feeling fear. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m like\/I told him, \u201cYou are either <em>very<\/em> intuitive or a really bad listener.\u201d [Laughter] He said, \u201cI think I\u2019m really intuitive.\u201d I was like, \u201cOkay, where did you hear anger?\u201d He said, \u201cShe knows she\u2019s losing this argument.\u201d\u2014which tells me something\u2014because when my right brain is shut down and I\u2019m totally in my left brain, not only am I in a problem-solving mode, but I\u2019m also\u2014life is all about winning and losing. That is a clear sign that my right brain is shut down, and I\u2019m totally in my left brain. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m like, \u201cAlright, let\u2019s try this again. Only this time you tell her what emotions she <em>thinks<\/em> she\u2019s feeling.\u201d To his credit, he hit a home run. He did it perfectly; so well that she started crying, like, \u201cI feel seen; I feel understood; I feel recognized.\u201d She goes, \u201cGo ahead and build the house.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI went, \u201cTime out. He doesn\u2019t get off that easy.\u201d [Laughter] He was convinced that he had only logical, rational reasons for wanting to do this\u2014there was nothing emotional about it\u2014until she started asking questions\/pulling it out of him\u2014began to realize what he really wanted was to make his dad proud. Once he put his finger on that emotion, now they\u2019re both crying; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI asked them\u2014they ended up actually waiting until after the marriage to build the house\u2014but they got to a point where they had to keep the relationship bigger than the problem. One of the ways you keep the relationship bigger than the problem is by listening for the emotion and validating that emotion first. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris:<\/strong> That way you feel <em>seen<\/em>; you feel understood, like: \u201cI feel like he gets me,\u201d \u201cI feel like she understands me now,\u201d \u2014<em>that\u2019s<\/em> the ingredient right there\u2014that if I <em>don\u2019t<\/em> feel understood by you, or you minimize or you try to fix it, we\u2019re not even in the same boat. This isn\u2019t going to feel very good, going forward. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This has been talked about for years\u2014that guys are always trying to <em>fix<\/em> things; we\u2019re the logical ones\u2014wives are like [tearfully], \u201cI don\u2019t want you to fix it. I just want you to hear me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIs there something about men and women that men tend to gravitate toward this?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Let me give an example of this. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> No, don\u2019t! Don\u2019t! Don\u2019t! I know what she\u2019s going to say! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> At this time, we had three boys under five. Dave came in one day, and I\u2019m crying. I told Dave\/he goes, \u201cWhat happened?\u201d I said, \u201cI feel like a bad mom. I feel like I don\u2019t know what I\u2019m doing. I feel like my life is out of control. I don\u2019t have a life. I think I\u2019m <em>terrible<\/em> at this.\u201d He\u2019s listening, and he goes upstairs. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I said, \u201cI\u2019ll be right back. I\u2019ve got to go do something.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> He comes down with a piece of paper. I\u2019m thinking, \u201cHe wrote me a love note. He\u2019s going to encourage me!\u201d I take it out of his hand. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe said, \u201cHere,\u201d\u2014it\u2019s numbered one to ten\u2014I\u2019m like, \u201cOkay; ten reasons why I\u2019m a good mom.\u201d I read it out loud; I say, \u201cOh, hon! \u2018Number one: get more organized.\u2019\u201d [Laughter] Wait; then I\u2019m thinking, \u201cOh, well, I must be reading this right. \u2018Number two: use your time more wisely.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Okay; you get the idea. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I take it; I said, \u201cWhat is this?!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Watch this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>He said, \u201cI\u2019m helping you.\u201d I said, \u201cYou think this is helping me?\u201d I took it and I ripped it up into little pieces, and I threw it in his face. Then tell them what you said.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I said, \u201cThat was from God,\u201d\u2014I <em>really<\/em> said that\u2014\u201cThat was from God.\u201d Because I\u2019d run upstairs and I prayed. I felt like God gave me \u201cTen Ways to Make Your Life Better\u201d-type deal. She threw it. That was the day\u2014we can mark it, where she said, \u201cThat\u2019s not what I\u2019m looking for,\u201d\u2014what Bob said: I thought she really did want me to fix it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m not saying I\u2019m great at listening for emotion; but I started to learn, early in my marriage, it\u2019s like, \u201cIt\u2019s bigger than this.\u201d I <em>never<\/em> did this though\u2014I never connected what <em>you<\/em> guys have just brought to this thing\u2014\u201cIf I do listen, and she feels heard, joy comes.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s a motivator that can change your marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris:<\/strong> That\u2019s it. You know that\u2019s\u2014what you had in that story\u2014you had good intentions, but the attunement was missing. The attunement is listening for emotions; going, \u201cWow; I hear you\u2019re really overwhelmed. This sounds <em>awful<\/em>.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMarcus and I call it, \u201cValidation and Comfort.\u201d Validation is you say what you see: \u201cWow; you are <em>really<\/em> overwhelmed right now. I can see it; I can <em>hear<\/em> it.\u201d And then comfort is: \u201cWhat do we need when this happens? What would be helpful right now?\u201d\u2014\u201cLet\u2019s go for a walk,\u201d or \u201cLet\u2019s get a sitter, because we\u2019re going out tonight.\u201d Validation basically sets the stage for comfort. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> VCR, VCR.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris:<\/strong> That\u2019s it! If I offer the comfort, without the validation, then it\u2019s just\/I\u2019m going to minimize; I\u2019m trying to fix it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Alright, the fourth area in your PLAN\u2014you \u201cPlay Together\u201d\u2014you \u201cListen for Emotion\u201d\u2014you \u201cAppreciate Daily\u201d\u2014\u201cNurture Rhythm\u201d is the fourth one. We are failures at this because we have no time to talk about this on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. [Laughter] We did not nurture the rhythm, so folks are going to have to buy a copy of your book to figure out how to finish the PLAN; aren\u2019t they? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> I\u2019m crushed. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Is that okay with you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris:<\/strong> Yes; no, that\u2019s good. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Guys, thank you for being here. This has been <em>so<\/em> helpful and I think very practical for how we can cultivate joy. We\u2019re grateful for your book, and thanks for the time on <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chris:<\/strong> Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Marcus:<\/strong> We really appreciate the opportunity.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019ve copies of the book, <em>The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Marriages<\/em>, in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can go, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com to order your copy; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, the title of Chris and Marcus\u2019s book is<em> The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Marriages: How 15 Minutes a Day Will Help You Stay in Love.<\/em> Go to FamilyLifeToday.com to get your copy, or call to order at 1-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI know many of you have wondered about the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> getaways that we host, here at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>: \u201cWhat\u2019s going on with those?\u201d We have started making plans for some spring getaways\u2014a limited number with limited seating\u2014in fact, we expect most of these getaways are going to sell out because of the limited seating and the social distancing we\u2019ll be doing at these events. There\u2019s more information about the few events we\u2019re hosting this spring online at FamilyLifeToday.com. If this is something that you\u2019ve been wanting to do or needing to do, go to FamilyLifeToday.com to find out more about the dates and locations for upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor those of you who can\u2019t get to a getaway, we want to bring one to you. We have been developing a \u201cFamilyLife Dates to Remember\u201d date box that includes everything you need for three great dates together as a couple. We\u2019ll have more information about this coming up later on this month. We\u2019ll have it out in time for Valentine\u2019s Day, so keep your eyes and ears open for information about the \u201cDates to Remember\u201d date box from FamilyLife. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you can join us back tomorrow. We\u2019re going to talk to an NFL quarterback, Kirk Cousins, and his wife, Julie\u2014find out about their relationship\u2014how it got started and how they deal with the pressure of living life in a sports bubble, especially when you a have season where things didn\u2019t go exactly the way everybody was hoping they would go. We\u2019ll introduce you to Kirk and Julie tomorrow. I hope you can be with us for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2021 FamilyLife. 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