{"id":306642,"date":"2020-12-25T07:00:04","date_gmt":"2020-12-25T12:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/fostering-emotional-safety\/"},"modified":"2020-12-25T07:00:04","modified_gmt":"2020-12-25T12:00:04","slug":"fostering-emotional-safety","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/fostering-emotional-safety\/","title":{"rendered":"Fostering Emotional Safety"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Josh and Christi Straub explain what it means to be emotionally safe and how it is the hallmark of an emotionally healthy home. The Straubs explain the value of teaching children to identify feelings.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2020-12-25.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:12","filesize":"24.9M","filesize_raw":"26111084","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2850,2806],"tags":[2209],"podcast_series":[8312],"cwp_profile":[9573],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306642","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-character-development","category-spiritual-development","tag-parenting","podcast_series-what-am-i-feeling","cwp_profile-christi-straub","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306642\/fostering-emotional-safety","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306642\/fostering-emotional-safety","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"xvNZ8eAj05\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/fostering-emotional-safety\/\">Fostering Emotional Safety<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/fostering-emotional-safety\/embed\/#?secret=xvNZ8eAj05\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Fostering Emotional Safety&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"xvNZ8eAj05\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Josh and Christi Straub explain what it means to be emotionally safe and how it is the hallmark of an emotionally healthy home. The Straubs explain the value of teaching children to identify feelings.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2020-12-25.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Is your home an emotionally-safe place? Do your kids feel that way about it? Here\u2019s Christi Straub.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Christi: <\/strong>What if we had homes that felt like that?\u2014that felt emotionally safe; meaning, \u201cLove without fear, whatever I\u2019m bringing to the table,\u201d I\u2019m coming home from school; maybe I was bullied. Maybe I came home from work; and I had a <em>horrible<\/em> meeting, and someone berated me across the table. What if home were the <em>safest<\/em> place in the world for all those people to come? If we make homes that felt like that, that would really start to change the culture.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, December 25<sup>th<\/sup>; merry Christmas to all of you! Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. We\u2019re going to talk today about what we can do to make sure our homes are emotionally-safe places, where our kids can feel free to deal with their emotions\/to know how to process their emotions biblically. Josh and Christi Straub join us today. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Friday edition, Christmas Day. Merry Christmas to all of you! We\u2019re glad you\u2019re joining us on this day. Hope you have been able to celebrate the birth of Christ today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to start off today by talking about something I remember from when I was in college. I had just come home for the summer and had gone to a Bible study. I\u2019ll never forget this\u2014the Bible study leader was talking about: \u201cYou know how you, sometimes at school, you get afraid? You wonder what people think about you: \u2018Do people like you?\u2019\u201d I\u2019m thinking, \u201cYes, I can relate to that.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen he said, \u201cYou know, your parents have those kinds of feelings too.\u201d I was like, \u201c<em>No<\/em>; they\u2019re grown-ups! [Laughter] Grown-ups don\u2019t have\u2014they don\u2019t feel peer pressure. That\u2019s just something you feel when you\u2019re a kid.\u201d It was like, \u201cOh, like this: when you leave, they get sad and lonely\u2014when you go off to college.\u201d I thought, \u201cI wonder if they really do have\u2026\u201d I didn\u2019t go home and ask my mom, because that would\u2019ve been too weird. But it was like, for the first time, I thought, \u201cOh, emotions are not just something that kids have; and then, grown-ups\u2014by the time you\u2019re a grown-up, you\u2019ve fixed all that.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u201c\u2026you\u2019re all fixed\u201d; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; I think that was my mentality: \u201cHaving emotions is something you do when you\u2019re a child. When you\u2019re a grown-up now, you don\u2019t have those emotions anymore; you\u2019ve worked on that to fix that.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>In some ways, you learn to stuff them. I can never, one time, remember sitting at my locker\u2014in a football locker room in college\u2014with my guys and going, \u201cHey, guys; what are you feeling? What\u2019s going on in your life? How are you feeling?\u201d [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I would like to go back and see what that would look like if you had tried that: \u201cWhat\u2019s up with Wilson today?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>And I never walked into the Detroit Lions locker room, ever, and walked up to a guy and say, \u201cHow are you feeling?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, it is something you could talk to your kids about. We\u2019ve got Josh and Christi Straub joining us again today on <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em> Guys, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Josh: <\/strong>Thank you for having us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Christi: <\/strong>Yes, we <em>love<\/em> being with you guys.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You\u2019ve written a book for parents to read to their kids, or maybe to read to one another. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes, that\u2019s a good idea! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Date night.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is a kids\u2019 book; it\u2019s called <em>What Am I Feeling?<\/em> This is probably for preschool\/elementary school kids\u2014moms and dads to read this to them. Then, in the back, there\u2019s a chart with nine different faces\/nine different emotions so that you can put words to what it is you\u2019re feeling.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>It is really helpful, obviously for a child, but for a full-fledged, married adult\u2014I mean, Ann and I, many times in conflicts early in our marriage, she would say to me, \u201cWhat are you <em>feeling<\/em> right now?\u201d I\u2019m not kidding, I would be like, \u201cI have no idea. I honestly don\u2019t know.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes I knew tomorrow, but in that moment\u2014I had <em>never<\/em> been taught, I had never processed. I had been taught you stuff it away: \u201cMen don\u2019t cry.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>The only emotion he would show was anger.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Christi: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>It sounds crazy, and you think I\u2019m kidding. I\u2019m not kidding. If that chart was anywhere, I could go\/I could point and go\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cI feel like the pirate.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u00a0Yes; \u201cI am the pirate, you are the\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Josh: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cAngry Alex.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Christi: <\/strong>Do you know the number of couples that have said, \u201cWe\u2019re going to put this on our bedroom wall\u201d? These core nine are the <em>basic<\/em> emotions; right? Obviously, there is a plethora more; and as adults, we can narrow down more\u2014you know, \u201cI\u2019m frustrated,\u201d\u2014there\u2019s much more detail.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes; you could go into fear, guilt, and shame with adults\u2014that would be <em>huge<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>What are the core nine? I thought there were only five. After I saw <em>Inside Out<\/em>, I thought there were only five. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Christi: <\/strong>Isn\u2019t that the <em>best<\/em> movie? Do you want to know what\u2019s crazy? We <em>just<\/em> watched that movie.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>What are the nine that are on the chart?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Josh: <\/strong>We have \u201cAfraid,\u201d and \u201cHappy,\u201d and \u201cJealous\u201d across the top. \u201cGuilty,\u201d \u201cAngry,\u201d and \u201cSad.\u201d And then \u201cSurprised,\u201d \u201cEmbarrassed,\u201d and \u201cBrave.\u201d We chose ones that we felt like most, especially, preschool and elementary kids would be feeling as primary emotions that they would understand. Contempt is one of the primary; but a kid isn\u2019t going to understand contempt, so we didn\u2019t put that one in there necessarily. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, you were talking about the locker room and athletes and things\u2014when I first started talking about emotional safety and emotional intelligence\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Christi: <\/strong>\u2014which <em>What Am I Feeling?<\/em>\u2014I mean, to be able to name emotions is like the beginning building block of emotional safety; it\u2019s why it\u2019s important.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Josh: <\/strong>\u2014I was invited to speak to Joint Special Operations Command at Fort Bragg. I was nervous. You know, I had to take all my Scripture out; I was just talking about the research.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>You were feeling\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Josh: <\/strong>I was feeling nervous; I was scared; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Oh, okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>He named it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Christi: <\/strong>He was flippy in his tummy. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Josh: <\/strong>I was flippy in my tummy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe reality was\u2014it resonated so much with them that, now, I speak at all the Army Ranger Battalions and with Joint Special Operations Command in Army and Air Force; because it resonated, particularly also with the wives, because the very thing they\u2019re trained to turn off to survive in the battlefield is the very thing they have to turn <em>back on<\/em> to survive when they get back home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I talk to men about this, even sports athletes\u2014like emotional safety was linked to extracurricular and athletic success. It doesn\u2019t matter what stage you\u2019re on\u2014whether it\u2019s the NFL, whether you\u2019re a businessman, whether you\u2019re a pastor, no matter where you are\u2014the more emotionally healthy your marriage and the relationships you have at home, the better you\u2019re going to show up on the stage that you\u2019re called to.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>What\u2019s the goal here for parents? Are we trying to get our kids be able to identify and then control their feelings?\u2014is that the aim? Or are we trying to get them to feel more deeply what they\u2019re feeling? What is it that you\u2019re aiming for? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Christi: <\/strong>Those are both good; I like that. We\u2019re talking about emotional safety; right? This is sort of the end goal. And again, that\u2019s a term that most people aren\u2019t even familiar with; right? A lot of people are familiar with emotional intelligence; right?\u2014we kind of know what that is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLast year, Google<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> came out with a study; and they studied their top-performing teams. They wanted to see\u2014basically, testing their hiring process: \u201cAre we hiring the right people at Google?\u201d Typically, they would hire\u2014right?\u2014for the STEM skills, which makes sense\u2014Science, Technology, Engineering and Math. What they found\u2014I think, from the way they wrote the study\u2014it even floored Google. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Josh: <\/strong>Yes; the top three were: emotional safety, empathy, and emotional intelligence\u2014were the top three things they found among their most-productive teams within Google. It forced them to start changing their hiring process to focus on the soft skills, not necessarily the hard skills; because the hard skills can be <em>taught<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat you can\u2019t teach is: whenever you\u2019re in a room with a collaborative group of people, and someone brings up an idea\u2014and that idea is not a very good idea; you know, it might not be a great idea, but you\u2019re not bullying that person and putting that person down\u2014that person feels <em>safe<\/em> in that team to bring up <em>any<\/em> idea. They know they\u2019re going to be part of that team\u2014that the idea\u2019s, at least, going to be put on the table, whether it\u2019s accepted or not. That human is <em>valued<\/em> within the context of that team; that would be emotional safety\u2014that I could show up and be fully present and not have any fear of what I\u2019m going to bring to the table. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Christi: <\/strong>You\u2019re talking about: \u201cWhat\u2019s the end goal here?\u201d What if we had homes that felt like that?\u2014that felt\u2014this term would be, emotionally safe; meaning, \u201cLove without fear. There\u2019s love; there\u2019s acceptance, whatever I\u2019m bringing to the table.\u201d I\u2019m coming home from school; maybe I was bullied. Maybe a girl picked on me and what I wore that day. Maybe I came home from work; and I had a <em>horrible<\/em> meeting, and someone berated me across the table. Maybe Mom is just feeing hopeless, rejected, losing a sense of purpose. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat if home were the safest place in the world for all those people to come home to? To be looked at, across the dinner table and the couch: \u201cI want to <em>hear<\/em> how your day was. I want to <em>hear<\/em> about what happened to you today. I don\u2019t need you to show up as anything you\u2019re not. I don\u2019t need you to fix me; I\u2019m not trying to fix you. I accept you for who you are and what you\u2019re bringing.\u201d If we could make homes that felt like that, that would really start to change the culture, a generation, maybe a world. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I think, for parents listening\u2014even for myself, when my kid would express: \u201cThis is what happened\u2026\u201d or \u201cI was bullied,\u201d\u2014I think what I would do, as a parent, oftentimes, is I\u2019d jump to the \u201cfixing your problem.\u201d I\u2019d jump to that so quickly I didn\u2019t sit in their pain. Is that typical?\u2014because I would lay in bed, thinking, \u201cHow can I <em>fix<\/em> their situation?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Christi: <\/strong>Absolutely. Don\u2019t you find, too, as a parent, that often their feelings feel <em>bigger<\/em> to us?\u2014right?\u2014typically, because of our story. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI know our daughter\u2014I remember her coming home, and she has <em>big<\/em> emotions. I am a grown-up child, with big emotions, still.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Josh: <\/strong>I attest to that. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Christi: <\/strong>Yes; she will feel sadness sometimes, and it triggers a place in me. I remember, early on\u2014I mean, she was little\u2014she said to me, \u201cMommy, sometimes I like to feel sad.\u201d I thought; my brain panicked\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Did you get worried?\u2014yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Christi: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cYou\u2019re going to struggle with depression,\u201d\u2014no; no! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut in our own\u2014we see it through our lens of our story\u2014and maybe the places that we still carry wounds. What felt to her\u2014what was probably a run-of-the-mill, regular, every-day emotion\u2014felt <em>huge<\/em> to <em>me<\/em>. We can start to blow it out of proportion, and then we\u2019re the ones awake at night trying: \u201cHow do I fix this? She needs to be a <em>happy<\/em> girl. I want her to be a happy, happy girl. Okay; dance class. Dance will make her happy!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf I recognize that I struggle with sadness: \u201cI don\u2019t like to feel it for myself,\u201d\u2014maybe I had a history of that; maybe it was in my home: okay?\u00a0 My daughter might have a propensity for sadness\/depression. She might, but that\u2019s not mine to carry for her. What if I can just sit with her?\u2014be like: \u201cI know. Sadness\u2014tell me about that. Tell me: \u2018What makes you feel sad?\u2019\u201d\u2014with no gut reaction to fix, which is where we feel all the pressure; right?\u2014because we have to have the solution\/the answer. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat if we just took that off?\u2014and we just sat with them in their feeling? We used to call it like\u2014remember Tebowing?\u2014 you know, where he\u2019d get down?\u2014you know, it\u2019s really that posture, where we just get down on their level, eye level, and we just sit with them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>You\u2019re saying <em>that<\/em> is more important than actually <em>fixing<\/em> the problem; that\u2019s more necessary.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Josh: <\/strong>Well, because you raise resilient kids. They\u2019re going to run into bullying the rest of their lives. They\u2019re going to run into places where they feel rejected for the rest of their lives. If we\u2019re helicoptering, if you will, and trying to <em>fix<\/em> every one of their situations, we hijack that process of building resilience, of teaching them how to <em>handle<\/em> their emotions and help them problem-solve through those difficult situations.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We moved to a new city when our oldest was 11 years old. I remember that her first few months\u2014in a new school, in a new city, trying to make friends\u2014it was not going well. I knew that she was not happy at school. I remember dropping her off at school one day, and I was thinking: \u201cMaybe I should go in and try to set up a meeting with the teacher, maybe the principal, and just say, \u2018She\u2019s having a hard time. Could we maybe pair her up with somebody?\u2019 Maybe call some other parents and say, \u2018Could So-and-so invite her over?\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I probably would\u2019ve done <em>all<\/em> of that\u2014[Laughter]\u2014which is terrible.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Christi: <\/strong>I\u2019m just nodding, like, \u201cOh! I know! I want it\u2026\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I was thinking as I\u2019m driving away; and there was this little tap on the shoulder, this little voice that goes: \u201cWhat have been the times of greatest spiritual growth in your life? Has it been the times when things have been hard, and you\u2019ve had to learn how to lean into Me, and you\u2019ve had to learn how to rely and trust? Maybe I\u2019m doing the same thing in the life of your 11-year-old. Maybe you just leave this between Me and her.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI thought, \u201cBut I\u2019m a grown-up, so I can deal with that. She\u2019s only 11.\u201d But the God of the universe is sometimes taking our kids through hard things because, to your point, there\u2019s resilience being developed. There\u2019s learning how to trust in Him being developed. If we\u2019re trying to super engineer everything so that they don\u2019t have any of these experiences, we\u2019re shielding them from things in life they\u2019re going to face later on; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Josh: <\/strong>I would say that, if that\u2019s happening within <em>you<\/em>, there\u2019s probably something in <em>your<\/em> own story\u2014if those fears are coming up; right? Love without fear; if there\u2019s a fear coming up for your child\u2014and we have real fears for our children\u2014but if there\u2019s a fear, like, \u201cI need to hijack that process,\u201d there might be a rupture in your own story to go back and take a look at.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I was thinking, when you were saying, which was so beautiful: \u201cWhat would it be like if our children came home to a home that was emotionally safe?\u201d\u2014here\u2019s my first thought: \u201cThat requires parents, who are mature enough, to be able to process their own emotions and <em>lead<\/em> the way in that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI went back to your chart of the nine emotions\u2014tell me if I\u2019m wrong\u2014six of them are not fun emotions. They\u2019re the kind of emotions you want to run away from\u2014from being afraid, to jealous, to guilty, to angry, to sad, to embarrassed; right? What do we do, as adults?\u2014so many of us, we just run away from those; we soothe those; we medicate those\u2014any way you want\u2014you\u2019ve seen that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHow does an <em>adult<\/em> become emotionally stable enough so that they can lead a home that becomes that emotionally safe environment for their family?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Christi: <\/strong>You just described I\u2019d say\u2014what?\u201498 percent of homes in America\u2014we\u2019re numb. I can\u2019t tell you the number of people in my personal life\u2014I mean, a lot of the moms, who read the book with their kids, and have contacted me behind the scenes. They\u2019re like [whispering]: \u201cChristi, I don\u2019t think I <em>feel<\/em> anymore. I didn\u2019t know that. I\u2019m trying to teach my kids not to throw a temper tantrum and what to do when they\u2019re sad or they\u2019re angry.\u201d She\u2019s like, \u201cI don\u2019t even know when <em>I\u2019m<\/em> angry. I don\u2019t know when I\u2019m sad. I\u2019m just the <em>same<\/em> all the time.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou start to recognize there was probably somewhere along the way we just started to turn down the volume, stuff, numb. There are a lot of great ways; I mean, our culture makes fun of it; right? It\u2019s like: \u201cWine o\u2019clock,\u201d \u201cNetflix binging\u201d; right? There are so many ways that we can numb out. We actually celebrate it: we eat it away; we drink it away. We, as a culture, do a really good job of that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is where people, I think, are like: \u201cThis is too big. It\u2019s too overwhelming. I don\u2019t want to go back. I don\u2019t want to deal with hard stuff. I don\u2019t want to think about what I\u2019ve walked through. I\u2019ll help my kids.\u201d But that\u2019s exactly what you\u2019re saying: \u201cWe cannot lead our kids where we haven\u2019t been.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Emotionally numb is more functional than emotionally volatile.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Josh: <\/strong>It is to a point; yes. But there\u2019s a place in which it will most likely catch up to you. A lot of times, that happens in your closest relationships. Maybe it\u2019s your marriage or that type of thing. Your health\u2014our body feels trauma, whether it\u2019s a capital \u201cT\u201d Trauma or a lower case \u201ct\u201d trauma\u2014there are different types of traumas that we experience throughout our lives, because we\u2019re humans; we live in a fallen world. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI believe that therapy is not for crazy people; it\u2019s for broken people. There\u2019s not one of us on the planet that hasn\u2019t been broken to some regard. Don\u2019t shy <em>away<\/em> from that if that\u2019s part of your journey, because we are all about becoming more and more healthy\u2014emotionally, spiritually, physically\u2014in every area of our lives so that we can be the best we can be for our kids and for the Lord. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Aren\u2019t some people just kind of relaxed, even-keeled?\u2014their emotions are steady and stable\u2014they get happy, and they get sad; but they\u2019re in control. Other people are kind of like, \u201cWhoa!\u201d You talked about being big, emotionally; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Christi: <\/strong>That\u2019s me. Hand up; that\u2019s me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Are you [Bob] just a steady person?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I am.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I see that as you; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>If your kids\u2014you\u2019ve got five kids; that\u2019s what we had\u2014if some are emotionally steady and stable; you go: \u201cThis is what you want. You want your kids to be like this.\u201d The ones that are highly volatile, you go, \u201cWe\u2019ve got to fix you to be more like the others.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Christi: <\/strong>\u201cTone it down.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>But you\u2019re saying that\u2019s not the right way to parent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Christi: <\/strong>Well, here\u2019s the thing\u2014the child, then, will typically get the message\u2014and I can speak to this\u2014\u201cYou\u2019re too much.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u201cYou\u2019re too dramatic.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Christi: <\/strong>\u201cYou\u2019re too much.\u201d I have literally said those words to our son: \u201cYou\u2019re too much.\u201d I realized, as they flew out of my mouth, \u201cWhat am I speaking over him?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat we talk about in this book; right?\u2014we\u2019re talking about: \u201cGive it a name; and then give it to God, and ask <em>Him<\/em> what to do with it.\u201d I think this is where, as parents, it takes <em>all<\/em> the burden off of us when we want to jump in and <em>fix<\/em> it. It\u2019s not our <em>job<\/em>; that\u2019s God\u2019s job. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is our way to point them to Him\u2014who created them; who created them with volatile emotions; or a very even-keeled one, who\u2019s going to be a pilot or something; or one who\u2019s going to stand on a stage and be dramatic. It\u2019s necessary; and it\u2019s good; and it\u2019s their gifting; but it\u2019s not something we put in them. It\u2019s something He did, and He is the one who\u2019s going to have to coach them through it. To continually point them back to the face of God and start to hear His voice for themselves, not Mom and Dad\u2019s voice\u2014that\u2019s the goal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Josh: <\/strong>When we do that, we can get to a place in our own lives where\u2014I love baseball; I played baseball. I was a wrestler. I would love nothing more than for my son to do those very things. Right now, he\u2019s into music, and guitars, and dancing, and singing, which I can\u2019t do at all. I\u2019ve learned to come to a place where I\u2019m not trying to live my unresolved childhood through him. I\u2019m, instead, celebrating who God\u2019s created him to be, not mourn who he\u2019s not. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, as parents, a lot of times, we <em>hope<\/em> that our kids are going to turn out a certain way; we end up putting our own agenda on our kids. The reality is\u2014the more healthy we are, as adults, the more we can step into who God\u2019s creating our kids to be and step into their story and celebrate that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019ll tell you something that happened on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> more than a decade ago. We were interviewing Dr. Robertson McQuilkin, who was the former President of Columbia Bible College and Seminary, who had stepped down from his role as the president because his wife had developed Alzheimer\u2019s. Her care had required him to be home with her. He said, \u201cShe is always anxious if I\u2019m not with her and always happy if I am with her, so I must be with her.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Josh: <\/strong>Wow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I remember him sharing a story about a conflict they had had\u2014this was back before her Alzheimer\u2019s had started. They were in conflict; and she was expressing her frustration, her anger, her emotions, her sadness. He was explaining to her, logically, why what she was feeling was not how she should be thinking; right? He was trying to correct the feelings. In the middle of the conflict, she looked at him, and she said, \u201cRobertson, logic isn\u2019t everything; and emotions aren\u2019t nothing.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll of us, who are wired toward \u201cHere\u2019s how you should be thinking so that your emotions are more normal,\u201d need to remember: \u201cEmotions aren\u2019t nothing. They\u2019re a part of the warning system\/part of the database that God\u2019s given us to say, \u2018What\u2019s going on in my life?\u2019\u201d I may live more out of my head than I do out of my emotions, but I should be paying attention to what my emotions are telling me; because in order to make the right choices, both mind and heart have to speak into that; don\u2019t they?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I think, as parents, we can speak into that. I was with our granddaughter last year, as a three-year-old. I have all sons, so there wasn\u2019t a lot of drama. Some grease splattered on my face, and she started screaming and crying. I thought she got burnt by this grease as we were cooking together. I took her over to the couch. Her parents had said that she\u2019s pretty dramatic. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe got over to the couch and I said: \u201cWhat\u2019s happened? What\u2019s wrong? Did it burn you?\u201d She said, \u201cNo, but it burnt you. I feel so sad for you!\u201d She\u2019s crying so hard. I realized\u2014I said, \u201cOh my goodness! Look how empathetic!\u201d\u2014and I explained what that word meant\u2014\u201cYou <em>feel<\/em> for me! God\u2019s given you the gift of <em>feeling<\/em> for others, and you\u2019re compassionate for them. What a <em>great<\/em> gift.\u201d Whereas, if that would\u2019ve happened with my family, growing up, my parents would have said, \u201cGet control!\u201d; in other words: \u201cShut down that drama!\u2014because that\u2019s ridiculous.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI like that we can explain that\u2014identify the word; kind of celebrate who they are. I love the idea of taking it to God; because God created us, He\u2019s always celebrating over us. To teach our kids to take it to God first I think is <em>huge<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Part of how we do that is by helping them identify: \u201cWhat is it I\u2019m feeling?\u201d You get out the charts, you get out the book, you read through it again. You help them give language to\/be able to identify what is going on in their heart and understand, \u201cThat\u2019s not what controls your behavior.\u201d We don\u2019t <em>live<\/em> out of our emotions, but we also acknowledge that that\u2019s part of who we are\/who God\u2019s made us to be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGuys, I think this is a book that a lot of moms and dads are going to go: \u201cThis is <em>exactly<\/em> what we needed to coach us\/to guide us. It\u2019s not just telling us what to do; it\u2019s giving us a tool to do it with our kids.\u201d Thank you, guys, for writing it; and thanks for spending time with us talking about it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Christi: <\/strong>Thank you, guys. You guys are a gift. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Josh: <\/strong>Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>That makes me feel\u2014 [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014happy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u2014happy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Which picture on the chart are you, Dave? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Christi: <\/strong>Awwww; good one!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We\u2019ve got copies of the book in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can order the book, <em>What Am I Feeling?<\/em>:<em> Helping Kids Learn to Manage Big Feelings in Little Bodies<\/em>. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com to get your copy of the book, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, the title of the book is <em>What Am I Feeling? <\/em>You can order online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call 1-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, I hope, whatever your children\u2019s emotions have been, here on this Christmas day, they have been good emotions. I hope all of us have experienced the love, and the joy, and the peace that comes from remembering what this day is really all about. I hope that\u2019s been part of your experience or will be part of your experience as the day goes on. Hope you have a merry Christmas.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church this weekend, and I hope you can join us on Monday, when Pastor Dean Inserra will be with us to talk about what he calls unsaved Christians. He\u2019ll explain what he means when we get together on Monday, so I hope you can tune in for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back Monday for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. 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