{"id":306630,"date":"2020-12-21T07:00:04","date_gmt":"2020-12-21T12:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/a-panel-discusses-the-complexities-of-stepfamilies-and-holidays\/"},"modified":"2020-12-21T07:00:04","modified_gmt":"2020-12-21T12:00:04","slug":"a-panel-discusses-the-complexities-of-stepfamilies-and-holidays","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/a-panel-discusses-the-complexities-of-stepfamilies-and-holidays\/","title":{"rendered":"A Panel Discusses the Complexities of Stepfamilies and Holidays"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The holidays can be a challenge for blended families. Ron Deal moderates a panel discussing the complexity of holidays with stepfamilies.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2020-12-21.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:25:54","filesize":"23.71M","filesize_raw":"24862640","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2882,10374,10371],"tags":[6524],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[9581,3308,3300,3579],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306630","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-developing-a-relationship-with-stepchildren","category-holidays-and-special-days","category-parenting-and-stepparenting","tag-stepfamilies-and-holidays","cwp_profile-jeff-and-kim-roberson","cwp_profile-laura-petherbridge","cwp_profile-ron-deal","cwp_profile-shannon-simmons","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306630\/a-panel-discusses-the-complexities-of-stepfamilies-and-holidays","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306630\/a-panel-discusses-the-complexities-of-stepfamilies-and-holidays","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"j11xFeGhFO\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/a-panel-discusses-the-complexities-of-stepfamilies-and-holidays\/\">A Panel Discusses the Complexities of Stepfamilies and Holidays<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/a-panel-discusses-the-complexities-of-stepfamilies-and-holidays\/embed\/#?secret=j11xFeGhFO\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;A Panel Discusses the Complexities of Stepfamilies and Holidays&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"j11xFeGhFO\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2020-12-21.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2020-12-21.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, December 21<sup>st<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. Christmas is coming and so are the expectations, whether you\u2019re in an intact family or a blended family. We need to be ready. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Monday edition. We\u2019re going to get a chance today to eavesdrop today on a conversation that, for a lot of families, this issue, this is week\u2014I mean, this is the issue; right?\u2014blended families trying to navigate the holidays: \u201cWho is where?\u2014when?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s hard enough in an <em>intact<\/em> family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I think the complications of a <em>blended<\/em> could even be harder.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I remember\u2014I was in a blended family\u2014Christmas was\/I sort of hated it; because I would have Christmas morning with my mom, who I lived with; then, I\u2019d have to get on a plane, usually by about noon\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014on Christmas Day.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014and fly to Florida, where my dad and stepmom were, and do Christmas with palm trees. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And then your mom was <em>alone<\/em> a lot of times. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, my mom\u2014I left her by herself\u2014yes; it\u2019s a unique, different deal. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Ron Deal, who works, here at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, gives leadership to FamilyLife Blended<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> and has the FamilyLife Blended podcast that many of our listeners listen to regularly. He talked, not long ago, to a couple of blended family authors\/people who have lived this and are helping others. Then, he got a studio audience together and interacted. We\u2019re going to dive in and hear some of this interaction that takes place between all of these folks and help blended families get ready for what\u2019s coming up this week. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBefore we do that, we\u2019re in the last ten days of 2020, which many of us are going, \u201cWoo hoo!\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes! We\u2019re excited; let\u2019s get into 2021!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Do you think 2021 is going to be different?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I don\u2019t know. What I <em>do<\/em> know is that these last ten days are going to be significant for us, here at FamilyLife. We\u2019re asking listeners: \u201cHelp us take advantage of a matching gift that is available to us <em>and<\/em> consider as generous a yearend contribution as you can possibly give to this ministry.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> In a sense, we\u2019re asking for a Christmas gift. It\u2019s a yearend opportunity. I know for ministries, like FamilyLife, this is <em>huge<\/em> to have you join us as a partner\/to say, \u201cYou know what? I benefitted from this ministry. I\u2019ve received help; I\u2019ve received hope, and I\u2019m going to give back. I want to help other people get what I\u2019ve gotten.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI invite you: \u201cJoin us. We need you; we really do\u20142020 has been one of those years\u2014and we need you to step up. We\u2019re asking you to step up and be a blessing to others as we have been a blessing to you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think we would all agree that one of the foundational things our country needs right now are healthy families, because we mark the world and make a difference. Make a difference <em>with us<\/em>; help us to reach people, and heal families, and give them hope. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> When you give today, we\u2019re going to send you a couple of thank-you gifts. We\u2019re going to send you a copy of my book, <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em>; a flash drive that\u2019s got more than 100 of the best <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> programs of the last 28 years; <em>and <\/em>when you give today, your donation is going to be matched, dollar for dollar. We\u2019ve just recently had an increase in the matching gift total that\u2019s available to us. We\u2019re hoping to take advantage of what is now a $2.7 million-matching gift total. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo take advantage of that, go to FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014make an online donation\u2014or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. Thank you, in advance, for what you\u2019re able to do. Let me wish you an early merry Christmas. We hope you and your family have a <em>great<\/em> Christmas season.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you are a blended family, we hope you get some <em>encouragement<\/em> today from the conversation we\u2019re going to hear as Ron Deal talks with Laura Petherbridge and Judi Parziale, talking about expectations during the Christmas season. Once he has interacted with them, there are people in the studio audience that will interact over what they\u2019ve <em>heard<\/em>, talking about expectations for blended families during the Christmas season. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous FamilyLife Blended Podcast]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>The first few Christmases, as a stepmom, I couldn\u2019t deal with the tension\/the expectations. I would get angry when my stepsons weren\u2019t happy with their gifts, or they didn\u2019t think they got <em>enough<\/em> from their father\u2014that was very frustrating. My early stepfamily Christmases, I had too great of an expectation\/too much of a Norman Rockwell view in my head of what Christmas was going to be. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs we progressed, as a stepfamily, I learned to lower my expectations; I learned to keep focused on what was important. I learned what my stepsons loved about Christmas, and what they didn\u2019t love about Christmas. I learned, as a stepfamily unit, not to make the priority making sure that you have the kids on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning. If that caused too much stress for them, it wasn\u2019t worth it. It wasn\u2019t worth making Christmas morning something to <em>fight<\/em> over.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI learned, in a stepfamily, that Christmas is often what you make it. If you set the expectations for the kids to be thrilled about everything, you <em>may<\/em> end up disappointed. I learned, in a stepfamily, that you are often not going to be able to take the stepkids to church like you thought you would. I learned that my example of Christ was doing more to help them see Christmas for what it should be than preaching to them about what Christmas should be. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That was author, Laura Petherbridge, from Episode 15, our episode on \u201cThe Childless Stepmom.\u201d What are your reactions to some of her thoughts?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> I like how she learned to lower her expectations of what Christmas should be. The tradition in our home is that this is the day to celebrate the birth of Jesus, so it\u2019s not about you. In fact, we don\u2019t go overboard with all of the gifts. If Jesus only received three gifts, you\u2019re not getting any more. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014and it\u2019s not going to be gold, frankincense, and myrrh; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> Right; so you get no more than Jesus. We try to go overboard for birthdays, but for His birth?\u2014it\u2019s not about you. If we teach them that day is not about you, then when you don\u2019t get your way, you\u2019re not bent out of shape; because guess what?\u2014it\u2019s not about you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Candace: <\/strong>I need to get there. [Laughter] I need to get there because the pressure has always been\u2014and this pressure comes from myself; I do it\u2014I apply pressure on myself, and my husband, our parents\u2014on making sure all four children feel the same, equal across the line. First Christmas, I can remember counting gifts.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kim:<\/strong> I can second that. [Laughter] I lay them out on the floor, and I\u2019m counting them out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It\u2019s unanimous at the table.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Candace:<\/strong> Okay; good. I\u2019m not alone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> What was that about for you, counting gifts? What was the need in you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Candace:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t want anyone to <em>feel<\/em> \u201cstep.\u201d I didn\u2019t even want them to pay attention to that or <em>feel<\/em> that. That was pressure I put on myself. If you notice, kids will open one gift and they\u2019re done, for awhile. We\u2019re kind of shoving more towards them, but they\u2019re not even paying attention to that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeff:<\/strong> Ron, I was thinking, \u201cHolidays are not a competition.\u201d Let\u2019s say the other home\u2014you know, they: \u201cGo big, or go home.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; they almost make it a competition? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeff:<\/strong> Yes; the kids come over, after they\u2019ve already been there. You\u2019re more responsible; and you want to teach more the value of what Christmas is all about, like Laura\u2019s talking about. They\u2019re talking about how they made the big haul. I think sometimes you can feel empty, like you didn\u2019t measure up to what they\u2019re getting over there. That\u2019s not a good thought to have. You need to come up with and be satisfied and content with what <em>you\u2019re<\/em> doing in your home, and be happy with that; because they will sense that. If you teach them the right thing about Christmas, and what it really is, that\u2019s a lot more than anything they would get, gift-wise. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, as Candace was talking\u2014of that pressure\u2014because you don\u2019t want a child to think, \u201cOooh. He\u2019s only got\u2026\u201d Our kids have counted presents: \u201cHe\u2019s got ten over there, and we\u2019ve only got four. [Agreement among others] They don\u2019t know that four costs as much\/more than those ten.\u201d [Agreement among others] I think we really lose focus on what it\u2019s all about. It\u2019s easy to do. No, it\u2019s not a competition. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I think this is so catchy; because controlling the environment is really about, as Candace well-said, controlling the heart of a child. You want them to feel welcomed, and a part, and nobody step\u2014but everybody belongs\u2014so you try to control the climate and the environment such that they will feel that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, when there\u2019s other homes\u2014and other parents and other players in the game\u2014you don\u2019t get to control all those things. You can drive yourself a little bit crazy if you think that all of the externals are going to dictate the <em>internal<\/em> of the child. Keeping the reason for the season at the forefront\/staying focused on that\u2014you heard Laura say it\u2014\u201cFocus on what\u2019s important; lower your expectations about some of the things.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>And<\/em> being that example of Christ to them\u2014you can be loving\u2014it doesn\u2019t take any gift to show a child they\u2019re valuable. If ultimately that\u2019s what you\u2019re trying to show them, you can show them: you can show them by your time, and your energy, and your excitement. Yes, they may have questions: \u201cI have a stepbrother, who got five gifts; and I got two.\u201d [Parent\u2019s reply might be]: \u201cWell, they went to another home, but you didn\u2019t. That\u2019s the way it works, and we understand that he has another home.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, I\u2019ve heard that <em>so<\/em> many times over the years\u2014kids going, \u201cI want another home, so I can get more gifts.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kim:<\/strong> That was me, growing up; that was me growing up. I remember telling my parents\u2014my older brother came home with this video console, and these shoes, and all this stuff\u2014and I\u2019m younger. I tell my mom\u2014it\u2019s like, \u201cI want a stepdaddy.\u201d [Laughter] She\u2019s like, \u201cThat\u2019s not how it works, darling.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> What do you do, as a parent, in that moment?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> You explain the truth of the reality. At least, for me, it\u2019s another opportunity for <em>me<\/em> to redirect them to Christ: \u201c<em>Remember<\/em>: it\u2019s not about <em>you<\/em>.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s good. I do think the question embedded in that comment\u2014\u201cThey got five and I only got two,\u201d\u2014is: \u201cAm I as valuable?\u201d You can <em>always<\/em> speak to that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Woman:<\/strong> Right; you know, Ron, for me, I think it wasn\u2019t so much about given the value of the gifts; but my son\u2019s dad did not stay in his life during those growing years. He did watch his stepsiblings go back and forth. It wasn\u2019t about the number of gifts or the quality of the gifts, but it was about: \u201cWere they more valued because they had all of these individuals giving them time?\u201d I was burdened in my heart about him\u2014he was just in our home; he didn\u2019t have another home to go to; I felt that burden for him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You do the best you can, and you explain. You show them their value, and then I think you keep moving on. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, we\u2019ve been listening to a conversation with Ron Deal and some moms and dads, who are part of a blended family, talking about the complexity and the emotion that surrounds the holiday season when you\u2019re in a blended family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think it\u2019s a <em>great<\/em> thing that they\u2019re talking about expectations. We all need to talk about that before Christmas, because so often we\u2019re let down. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And the complexities\u2014we all know how tough family can be at holidays and at Christmas. I don\u2019t think we have any idea the complexities when you add in blended and differ\u2014I mean, it\u2019s such a needed topic to talk about. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; what we\u2019re listening to is a part of an extended conversation that was featured on Ron Deal\u2019s podcast, FamilyLife Blended. The entire conversation is available for download. I\u2019d encourage you: \u201cDownload it; listen to it; think about it; pray about it; get ready for what\u2019s coming this week.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn the podcast, Ron shares a story from Judi Parziale, talking about how they hadn\u2019t thought through expectations for the holiday season as a blended family; and how that came back to bite them. Listen to this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous FamilyLife Blended Podcast]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Judi:<\/strong> Our first Christmas was a <em>disaster<\/em>, because we had never discussed our expectations or really how our customs might fit together. As a result of those unspoken expectations, we were both assuming things would happen the way we\u2019d hoped for; and it didn\u2019t. It created some really hurt feelings. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think it\u2019s really important to talk about how <em>you<\/em> celebrate Thanksgiving\/how your family celebrates Christmas: \u201cWhat are meaningful things for you?\u201d \u201cWhat do you like to do? What do your kids like to do?\u201d Have a conversation, because you want to <em>honor<\/em> each family that\u2019s coming together. You also want to develop some new traditions together. As you develop more of those traditions together with holidays, that will be helpful in blending your family and making things memorable for everyone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That was Judi Parziale. She and her husband Jeff were our guests on Episode 20, talking about couples who are about to blend. I heard different parts there. Guys, react to this; I heard her say: \u201cIt was a <em>disaster<\/em>,\u201d \u201cWe learned we had to talk,\u201d \u201cWe had to try to plan,\u201d \u201cWe had to honor traditions, and we had to find new ones.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Candace:<\/strong> Key word: expectations. That conversation is <em>very<\/em> important\u2014blended family\/period\u2014especially around the holidays. It\u2019s not the time to be, \u201cOh, I\u2019m fine with whatever you decide; because then you find out, \u201cOh, I\u2019m not fine with everything that you\u2019ve decided\u201d; then it can be a disastrous holiday. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYes, I think the expectations and that discussion\u2014and pretty much laying out: \u201cThis is something that we\u2019ve done that I really can\u2019t let go,\u201d \u201cThis is something I\u2019ve done that we really can\u2019t let go,\u201d\u2014we decide, not which one is more important, but: \u201cWhich one do we want to make our new tradition, and how we can change that, and what works for our household?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeff:<\/strong> Sometimes, when we put together something\u2014or say I have a conference\u2014what do we do afterwards? We sit and evaluate what worked and what didn\u2019t. It may be a good idea that you have a \u201cteam family\u201d meeting, and we talk, including the kids. We ask, \u201cWhat worked with this holiday? What did you like about it? What could we have done differently?\u201d Get their input instead of coming up, or assuming, what didn\u2019t work; but get everybody\u2019s input so, next year, you can plan differently and maybe do something different. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kim:<\/strong> \u2014a holiday travelogue?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> How does that work?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kim:<\/strong> I think it\u2019s just what Jeff said; sit around a table and talk about, \u201cWhat did Christmas\u201d or \u201cWhat did Thanksgiving\u201d\u2026birthdays\u201d\u2014\u201cwhat did that look like, for <em>you<\/em>, before we came together?\u201d \u201cWhat did that look like for the parents in the home, when they were growing up?\u201d And then talk about: \u201cWhat do <em>we <\/em>want now? What is important that you want to bring into this <em>new<\/em> family that you had in your previous family? What things do we want to merge together and create as our own new tradition?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeff:<\/strong> A travelogue was one of our most successful things, and it really wasn\u2019t about the holidays. It was, as much, learning about each other; we sat around the table and did it. At first, our kids were like, \u201cHey; what\u2019s this?\u201d But when we did it, man, you talk about opening up and finding out things about\/that they didn\u2019t know about us; it was pretty cool.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Candace:<\/strong> That\u2019s good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That is good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> I don\u2019t think couples in blended families realize that this is a point of contention for couples from a first marriage. My husband and I are a first-marriage blended family. Because we are both from central Arkansas, and our families are still here, we don\u2019t necessarily have to fight about: \u201cWhere are we going to go for the holidays? Are we going to go to your mom\u2019s?\u201d We can kind of do both; that\u2019s the beauty of living so close to family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut we also didn\u2019t have those really good conversations about: \u201cHey! Did you talk to his mom?\u201d \u201cHey, did you talk to her mom?\u201d As the stepmom, and the potential smart stepmom I\u2019m trying to be, I always try to initiate those conversations. You have to realize that you married someone, who may be a planner\/who may not be a planner. \u201cGuess who\u2019s the planner,\u2014[Laughter]\u2014and guess who\u2019s not the planner in my situation.\u201d A lot of times, conversations didn\u2019t get done like I wanted. That\u2019s where the stepping back and allowing whatever chaos to transpire transpires, so that this hard lesson could be learned by my\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014loving husband.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> \u2014loving husband; yes. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kim:<\/strong> Shannon, I think that\u2019s a really good point. We really need to look at the marital relationship when this issue comes to the forefront, not just in the parenting side. When Jeff and I got married, I didn\u2019t realize that he had a romantic idea every year. He would go out at midnight the night before and buy stocking stuffers; that was his thing for the family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, I\u2019m the planner, so what did I do?\u2014I had them all bought before Christmas Eve hit! [Groans] I stole one of his romantic plans. I don\u2019t know if he grieved that, but I grieved that for him when I found out that I had stole his thunder.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeff:<\/strong> That\u2019s when the best deals are\u2014on Christmas Eve. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kim:<\/strong> That is true; that is true. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Candace:<\/strong> I really\u2014even going back to the comment I just made about how we had the discussion\u2014in thinking about your travelogue\u2014that will be implemented in our household. [Laughter] That discussion that we had was about <em>us<\/em>; it wasn\u2019t about our children. I didn\u2019t even think about that until right now. Now, that I\u2019m thinking, when you were speaking\u2014like, \u201cIs it too late?\u201d\u2014no; I think that\u2019s something you can continue to do every holiday\/every birthday. Yes; it will be happening in the Colclough household. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You can read about the travelogue in my book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em>. By the way, the bigger narrative there is that, as a family\u2014as you continue to dialogue about the past, and present, and what worked and what didn\u2019t work, and \u201cHow we\u2019re going to move forward,\u201d you\u2019re taking further steps in defining how you\u2019re going to be family with one another. This is part of the process of <em>becoming<\/em> family. The travelogue is not just about information; it\u2019s about that bigger story of <em>us<\/em> figuring out <em>us<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Again, we\u2019ve been listening to an excerpt from an extended interaction that was part of the FamilyLife Blended podcast that Ron Deal hosts, talking about expectations during the holiday season. Ron told me this is one of the most downloaded podcasts in his series that he\u2019s done, because the holidays are tricky for blended families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> People want help, and they really do want hope. It can get to the point, where you give up on the holidays\u2014and that\u2019s an intact family, without the complexities\u2014I mean, honestly, we\u2019ve all been there\u2014it\u2019s like: \u201cThis isn\u2019t even worth the hassle.\u201d It\u2019s a whole other world; that\u2019s why this is such a needed podcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think this is a great podcast to share with friends right now; because we\u2019re all going to need this, especially blended. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I would say for everybody\u2014just stop and calibrate the next week; stop and say\u2014\u201cWhat do we want to make sure, by the time the week is over, what do we make sure we\u2019ve accomplished?\u201d and \u201cWhat can we let go of so we stay focused on the main thing?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And pray; begin praying for your family time too. It\u2019s really important to make <em>Jesus<\/em> is a part of this season. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> If you have not gone through Ron\u2019s book <em>The Smart Stepfamily,<\/em> it\u2019s a book we\u2019ve got in our <em>FamilyLife<\/em> <em>Today<\/em> Resource Center. I\u2019d also mention Ron\u2019s new book that he wrote with Dr. Gary Chapman called <em>Building Love Together in Blended Families<\/em>. Both of these are really must-reads for anyone, who is in a blended family. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com; find out more about these resources. You can order them from us on our website; again, it\u2019s FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to order these books\u20141-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, for those of you who are doing last-minute Christmas shopping, as some of us are this week, I hope you\u2019ll also consider a yearend gift to FamilyLife. We mentioned earlier today that we\u2019ve had friends of the ministry, who have made available to us a matching gift that we are hoping to take full advantage of. In fact, in the last week, that matching gift has expanded; there is now $2.7 million in that matching-gift fund. For us to take advantage of what\u2019s in the fund, we need <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners to be as generous as you can possibly be. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYour donation, whatever it is, will release the equal amount from the matching-gift fund; so your donation is matched, dollar for dollar. We\u2019ll send you a couple of thank-you gifts for Christmas\u2014well, you won\u2019t get them in time for Christmas\u2014but you get the idea. We\u2019ll send you a copy of my book, <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em>, and we\u2019ll send you a flash drive that includes more than 100 of the best <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> podcasts and radio programs from the past 28 years. Both of these resources are our thank-you gift when you make a donation today. Again, you can do that, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make a yearend donation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you can join us, again, tomorrow when we\u2019ve got a special early Christmas present for you\u2014an in-house concert and conversation with singer\/songwriter\/worship leader Laura Story. She joins us tomorrow. We hope you can join us to be back for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:25:54"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["23.71M"],"filesize_raw":["24862640"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-306630.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-306630.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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holidays can be a challenge for blended families. Ron Deal moderates a panel discussing the complexity of holidays with stepfamilies.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2020-12-21.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, December 21<sup>st<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. Christmas is coming and so are the expectations, whether you\u2019re in an intact family or a blended family. We need to be ready. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Monday edition. We\u2019re going to get a chance today to eavesdrop today on a conversation that, for a lot of families, this issue, this is week\u2014I mean, this is the issue; right?\u2014blended families trying to navigate the holidays: \u201cWho is where?\u2014when?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s hard enough in an <em>intact<\/em> family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I think the complications of a <em>blended<\/em> could even be harder.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I remember\u2014I was in a blended family\u2014Christmas was\/I sort of hated it; because I would have Christmas morning with my mom, who I lived with; then, I\u2019d have to get on a plane, usually by about noon\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014on Christmas Day.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014and fly to Florida, where my dad and stepmom were, and do Christmas with palm trees. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And then your mom was <em>alone<\/em> a lot of times. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, my mom\u2014I left her by herself\u2014yes; it\u2019s a unique, different deal. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Ron Deal, who works, here at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, gives leadership to FamilyLife Blended<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> and has the FamilyLife Blended podcast that many of our listeners listen to regularly. He talked, not long ago, to a couple of blended family authors\/people who have lived this and are helping others. Then, he got a studio audience together and interacted. We\u2019re going to dive in and hear some of this interaction that takes place between all of these folks and help blended families get ready for what\u2019s coming up this week. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBefore we do that, we\u2019re in the last ten days of 2020, which many of us are going, \u201cWoo hoo!\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes! We\u2019re excited; let\u2019s get into 2021!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Do you think 2021 is going to be different?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I don\u2019t know. What I <em>do<\/em> know is that these last ten days are going to be significant for us, here at FamilyLife. We\u2019re asking listeners: \u201cHelp us take advantage of a matching gift that is available to us <em>and<\/em> consider as generous a yearend contribution as you can possibly give to this ministry.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> In a sense, we\u2019re asking for a Christmas gift. It\u2019s a yearend opportunity. I know for ministries, like FamilyLife, this is <em>huge<\/em> to have you join us as a partner\/to say, \u201cYou know what? I benefitted from this ministry. I\u2019ve received help; I\u2019ve received hope, and I\u2019m going to give back. I want to help other people get what I\u2019ve gotten.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI invite you: \u201cJoin us. We need you; we really do\u20142020 has been one of those years\u2014and we need you to step up. We\u2019re asking you to step up and be a blessing to others as we have been a blessing to you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think we would all agree that one of the foundational things our country needs right now are healthy families, because we mark the world and make a difference. Make a difference <em>with us<\/em>; help us to reach people, and heal families, and give them hope. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> When you give today, we\u2019re going to send you a couple of thank-you gifts. We\u2019re going to send you a copy of my book, <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em>; a flash drive that\u2019s got more than 100 of the best <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> programs of the last 28 years; <em>and <\/em>when you give today, your donation is going to be matched, dollar for dollar. We\u2019ve just recently had an increase in the matching gift total that\u2019s available to us. We\u2019re hoping to take advantage of what is now a $2.7 million-matching gift total. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo take advantage of that, go to FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014make an online donation\u2014or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. Thank you, in advance, for what you\u2019re able to do. Let me wish you an early merry Christmas. We hope you and your family have a <em>great<\/em> Christmas season.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you are a blended family, we hope you get some <em>encouragement<\/em> today from the conversation we\u2019re going to hear as Ron Deal talks with Laura Petherbridge and Judi Parziale, talking about expectations during the Christmas season. Once he has interacted with them, there are people in the studio audience that will interact over what they\u2019ve <em>heard<\/em>, talking about expectations for blended families during the Christmas season. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous FamilyLife Blended Podcast]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>The first few Christmases, as a stepmom, I couldn\u2019t deal with the tension\/the expectations. I would get angry when my stepsons weren\u2019t happy with their gifts, or they didn\u2019t think they got <em>enough<\/em> from their father\u2014that was very frustrating. My early stepfamily Christmases, I had too great of an expectation\/too much of a Norman Rockwell view in my head of what Christmas was going to be. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs we progressed, as a stepfamily, I learned to lower my expectations; I learned to keep focused on what was important. I learned what my stepsons loved about Christmas, and what they didn\u2019t love about Christmas. I learned, as a stepfamily unit, not to make the priority making sure that you have the kids on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning. If that caused too much stress for them, it wasn\u2019t worth it. It wasn\u2019t worth making Christmas morning something to <em>fight<\/em> over.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI learned, in a stepfamily, that Christmas is often what you make it. If you set the expectations for the kids to be thrilled about everything, you <em>may<\/em> end up disappointed. I learned, in a stepfamily, that you are often not going to be able to take the stepkids to church like you thought you would. I learned that my example of Christ was doing more to help them see Christmas for what it should be than preaching to them about what Christmas should be. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That was author, Laura Petherbridge, from Episode 15, our episode on \u201cThe Childless Stepmom.\u201d What are your reactions to some of her thoughts?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> I like how she learned to lower her expectations of what Christmas should be. The tradition in our home is that this is the day to celebrate the birth of Jesus, so it\u2019s not about you. In fact, we don\u2019t go overboard with all of the gifts. If Jesus only received three gifts, you\u2019re not getting any more. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014and it\u2019s not going to be gold, frankincense, and myrrh; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> Right; so you get no more than Jesus. We try to go overboard for birthdays, but for His birth?\u2014it\u2019s not about you. If we teach them that day is not about you, then when you don\u2019t get your way, you\u2019re not bent out of shape; because guess what?\u2014it\u2019s not about you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Candace: <\/strong>I need to get there. [Laughter] I need to get there because the pressure has always been\u2014and this pressure comes from myself; I do it\u2014I apply pressure on myself, and my husband, our parents\u2014on making sure all four children feel the same, equal across the line. First Christmas, I can remember counting gifts.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kim:<\/strong> I can second that. [Laughter] I lay them out on the floor, and I\u2019m counting them out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It\u2019s unanimous at the table.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Candace:<\/strong> Okay; good. I\u2019m not alone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> What was that about for you, counting gifts? What was the need in you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Candace:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t want anyone to <em>feel<\/em> \u201cstep.\u201d I didn\u2019t even want them to pay attention to that or <em>feel<\/em> that. That was pressure I put on myself. If you notice, kids will open one gift and they\u2019re done, for awhile. We\u2019re kind of shoving more towards them, but they\u2019re not even paying attention to that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeff:<\/strong> Ron, I was thinking, \u201cHolidays are not a competition.\u201d Let\u2019s say the other home\u2014you know, they: \u201cGo big, or go home.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; they almost make it a competition? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeff:<\/strong> Yes; the kids come over, after they\u2019ve already been there. You\u2019re more responsible; and you want to teach more the value of what Christmas is all about, like Laura\u2019s talking about. They\u2019re talking about how they made the big haul. I think sometimes you can feel empty, like you didn\u2019t measure up to what they\u2019re getting over there. That\u2019s not a good thought to have. You need to come up with and be satisfied and content with what <em>you\u2019re<\/em> doing in your home, and be happy with that; because they will sense that. If you teach them the right thing about Christmas, and what it really is, that\u2019s a lot more than anything they would get, gift-wise. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, as Candace was talking\u2014of that pressure\u2014because you don\u2019t want a child to think, \u201cOooh. He\u2019s only got\u2026\u201d Our kids have counted presents: \u201cHe\u2019s got ten over there, and we\u2019ve only got four. [Agreement among others] They don\u2019t know that four costs as much\/more than those ten.\u201d [Agreement among others] I think we really lose focus on what it\u2019s all about. It\u2019s easy to do. No, it\u2019s not a competition. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I think this is so catchy; because controlling the environment is really about, as Candace well-said, controlling the heart of a child. You want them to feel welcomed, and a part, and nobody step\u2014but everybody belongs\u2014so you try to control the climate and the environment such that they will feel that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, when there\u2019s other homes\u2014and other parents and other players in the game\u2014you don\u2019t get to control all those things. You can drive yourself a little bit crazy if you think that all of the externals are going to dictate the <em>internal<\/em> of the child. Keeping the reason for the season at the forefront\/staying focused on that\u2014you heard Laura say it\u2014\u201cFocus on what\u2019s important; lower your expectations about some of the things.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>And<\/em> being that example of Christ to them\u2014you can be loving\u2014it doesn\u2019t take any gift to show a child they\u2019re valuable. If ultimately that\u2019s what you\u2019re trying to show them, you can show them: you can show them by your time, and your energy, and your excitement. Yes, they may have questions: \u201cI have a stepbrother, who got five gifts; and I got two.\u201d [Parent\u2019s reply might be]: \u201cWell, they went to another home, but you didn\u2019t. That\u2019s the way it works, and we understand that he has another home.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, I\u2019ve heard that <em>so<\/em> many times over the years\u2014kids going, \u201cI want another home, so I can get more gifts.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kim:<\/strong> That was me, growing up; that was me growing up. I remember telling my parents\u2014my older brother came home with this video console, and these shoes, and all this stuff\u2014and I\u2019m younger. I tell my mom\u2014it\u2019s like, \u201cI want a stepdaddy.\u201d [Laughter] She\u2019s like, \u201cThat\u2019s not how it works, darling.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> What do you do, as a parent, in that moment?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> You explain the truth of the reality. At least, for me, it\u2019s another opportunity for <em>me<\/em> to redirect them to Christ: \u201c<em>Remember<\/em>: it\u2019s not about <em>you<\/em>.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s good. I do think the question embedded in that comment\u2014\u201cThey got five and I only got two,\u201d\u2014is: \u201cAm I as valuable?\u201d You can <em>always<\/em> speak to that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Woman:<\/strong> Right; you know, Ron, for me, I think it wasn\u2019t so much about given the value of the gifts; but my son\u2019s dad did not stay in his life during those growing years. He did watch his stepsiblings go back and forth. It wasn\u2019t about the number of gifts or the quality of the gifts, but it was about: \u201cWere they more valued because they had all of these individuals giving them time?\u201d I was burdened in my heart about him\u2014he was just in our home; he didn\u2019t have another home to go to; I felt that burden for him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You do the best you can, and you explain. You show them their value, and then I think you keep moving on. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, we\u2019ve been listening to a conversation with Ron Deal and some moms and dads, who are part of a blended family, talking about the complexity and the emotion that surrounds the holiday season when you\u2019re in a blended family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think it\u2019s a <em>great<\/em> thing that they\u2019re talking about expectations. We all need to talk about that before Christmas, because so often we\u2019re let down. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And the complexities\u2014we all know how tough family can be at holidays and at Christmas. I don\u2019t think we have any idea the complexities when you add in blended and differ\u2014I mean, it\u2019s such a needed topic to talk about. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; what we\u2019re listening to is a part of an extended conversation that was featured on Ron Deal\u2019s podcast, FamilyLife Blended. The entire conversation is available for download. I\u2019d encourage you: \u201cDownload it; listen to it; think about it; pray about it; get ready for what\u2019s coming this week.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn the podcast, Ron shares a story from Judi Parziale, talking about how they hadn\u2019t thought through expectations for the holiday season as a blended family; and how that came back to bite them. Listen to this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous FamilyLife Blended Podcast]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Judi:<\/strong> Our first Christmas was a <em>disaster<\/em>, because we had never discussed our expectations or really how our customs might fit together. As a result of those unspoken expectations, we were both assuming things would happen the way we\u2019d hoped for; and it didn\u2019t. It created some really hurt feelings. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think it\u2019s really important to talk about how <em>you<\/em> celebrate Thanksgiving\/how your family celebrates Christmas: \u201cWhat are meaningful things for you?\u201d \u201cWhat do you like to do? What do your kids like to do?\u201d Have a conversation, because you want to <em>honor<\/em> each family that\u2019s coming together. You also want to develop some new traditions together. As you develop more of those traditions together with holidays, that will be helpful in blending your family and making things memorable for everyone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That was Judi Parziale. She and her husband Jeff were our guests on Episode 20, talking about couples who are about to blend. I heard different parts there. Guys, react to this; I heard her say: \u201cIt was a <em>disaster<\/em>,\u201d \u201cWe learned we had to talk,\u201d \u201cWe had to try to plan,\u201d \u201cWe had to honor traditions, and we had to find new ones.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Candace:<\/strong> Key word: expectations. That conversation is <em>very<\/em> important\u2014blended family\/period\u2014especially around the holidays. It\u2019s not the time to be, \u201cOh, I\u2019m fine with whatever you decide; because then you find out, \u201cOh, I\u2019m not fine with everything that you\u2019ve decided\u201d; then it can be a disastrous holiday. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYes, I think the expectations and that discussion\u2014and pretty much laying out: \u201cThis is something that we\u2019ve done that I really can\u2019t let go,\u201d \u201cThis is something I\u2019ve done that we really can\u2019t let go,\u201d\u2014we decide, not which one is more important, but: \u201cWhich one do we want to make our new tradition, and how we can change that, and what works for our household?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeff:<\/strong> Sometimes, when we put together something\u2014or say I have a conference\u2014what do we do afterwards? We sit and evaluate what worked and what didn\u2019t. It may be a good idea that you have a \u201cteam family\u201d meeting, and we talk, including the kids. We ask, \u201cWhat worked with this holiday? What did you like about it? What could we have done differently?\u201d Get their input instead of coming up, or assuming, what didn\u2019t work; but get everybody\u2019s input so, next year, you can plan differently and maybe do something different. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kim:<\/strong> \u2014a holiday travelogue?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> How does that work?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kim:<\/strong> I think it\u2019s just what Jeff said; sit around a table and talk about, \u201cWhat did Christmas\u201d or \u201cWhat did Thanksgiving\u201d\u2026birthdays\u201d\u2014\u201cwhat did that look like, for <em>you<\/em>, before we came together?\u201d \u201cWhat did that look like for the parents in the home, when they were growing up?\u201d And then talk about: \u201cWhat do <em>we <\/em>want now? What is important that you want to bring into this <em>new<\/em> family that you had in your previous family? What things do we want to merge together and create as our own new tradition?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeff:<\/strong> A travelogue was one of our most successful things, and it really wasn\u2019t about the holidays. It was, as much, learning about each other; we sat around the table and did it. At first, our kids were like, \u201cHey; what\u2019s this?\u201d But when we did it, man, you talk about opening up and finding out things about\/that they didn\u2019t know about us; it was pretty cool.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Candace:<\/strong> That\u2019s good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That is good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> I don\u2019t think couples in blended families realize that this is a point of contention for couples from a first marriage. My husband and I are a first-marriage blended family. Because we are both from central Arkansas, and our families are still here, we don\u2019t necessarily have to fight about: \u201cWhere are we going to go for the holidays? Are we going to go to your mom\u2019s?\u201d We can kind of do both; that\u2019s the beauty of living so close to family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut we also didn\u2019t have those really good conversations about: \u201cHey! Did you talk to his mom?\u201d \u201cHey, did you talk to her mom?\u201d As the stepmom, and the potential smart stepmom I\u2019m trying to be, I always try to initiate those conversations. You have to realize that you married someone, who may be a planner\/who may not be a planner. \u201cGuess who\u2019s the planner,\u2014[Laughter]\u2014and guess who\u2019s not the planner in my situation.\u201d A lot of times, conversations didn\u2019t get done like I wanted. That\u2019s where the stepping back and allowing whatever chaos to transpire transpires, so that this hard lesson could be learned by my\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014loving husband.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> \u2014loving husband; yes. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kim:<\/strong> Shannon, I think that\u2019s a really good point. We really need to look at the marital relationship when this issue comes to the forefront, not just in the parenting side. When Jeff and I got married, I didn\u2019t realize that he had a romantic idea every year. He would go out at midnight the night before and buy stocking stuffers; that was his thing for the family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, I\u2019m the planner, so what did I do?\u2014I had them all bought before Christmas Eve hit! [Groans] I stole one of his romantic plans. I don\u2019t know if he grieved that, but I grieved that for him when I found out that I had stole his thunder.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeff:<\/strong> That\u2019s when the best deals are\u2014on Christmas Eve. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kim:<\/strong> That is true; that is true. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Candace:<\/strong> I really\u2014even going back to the comment I just made about how we had the discussion\u2014in thinking about your travelogue\u2014that will be implemented in our household. [Laughter] That discussion that we had was about <em>us<\/em>; it wasn\u2019t about our children. I didn\u2019t even think about that until right now. Now, that I\u2019m thinking, when you were speaking\u2014like, \u201cIs it too late?\u201d\u2014no; I think that\u2019s something you can continue to do every holiday\/every birthday. Yes; it will be happening in the Colclough household. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You can read about the travelogue in my book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em>. By the way, the bigger narrative there is that, as a family\u2014as you continue to dialogue about the past, and present, and what worked and what didn\u2019t work, and \u201cHow we\u2019re going to move forward,\u201d you\u2019re taking further steps in defining how you\u2019re going to be family with one another. This is part of the process of <em>becoming<\/em> family. The travelogue is not just about information; it\u2019s about that bigger story of <em>us<\/em> figuring out <em>us<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Again, we\u2019ve been listening to an excerpt from an extended interaction that was part of the FamilyLife Blended podcast that Ron Deal hosts, talking about expectations during the holiday season. Ron told me this is one of the most downloaded podcasts in his series that he\u2019s done, because the holidays are tricky for blended families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> People want help, and they really do want hope. It can get to the point, where you give up on the holidays\u2014and that\u2019s an intact family, without the complexities\u2014I mean, honestly, we\u2019ve all been there\u2014it\u2019s like: \u201cThis isn\u2019t even worth the hassle.\u201d It\u2019s a whole other world; that\u2019s why this is such a needed podcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think this is a great podcast to share with friends right now; because we\u2019re all going to need this, especially blended. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I would say for everybody\u2014just stop and calibrate the next week; stop and say\u2014\u201cWhat do we want to make sure, by the time the week is over, what do we make sure we\u2019ve accomplished?\u201d and \u201cWhat can we let go of so we stay focused on the main thing?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And pray; begin praying for your family time too. It\u2019s really important to make <em>Jesus<\/em> is a part of this season. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> If you have not gone through Ron\u2019s book <em>The Smart Stepfamily,<\/em> it\u2019s a book we\u2019ve got in our <em>FamilyLife<\/em> <em>Today<\/em> Resource Center. I\u2019d also mention Ron\u2019s new book that he wrote with Dr. Gary Chapman called <em>Building Love Together in Blended Families<\/em>. Both of these are really must-reads for anyone, who is in a blended family. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com; find out more about these resources. You can order them from us on our website; again, it\u2019s FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to order these books\u20141-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, for those of you who are doing last-minute Christmas shopping, as some of us are this week, I hope you\u2019ll also consider a yearend gift to FamilyLife. We mentioned earlier today that we\u2019ve had friends of the ministry, who have made available to us a matching gift that we are hoping to take full advantage of. In fact, in the last week, that matching gift has expanded; there is now $2.7 million in that matching-gift fund. For us to take advantage of what\u2019s in the fund, we need <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners to be as generous as you can possibly be. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYour donation, whatever it is, will release the equal amount from the matching-gift fund; so your donation is matched, dollar for dollar. We\u2019ll send you a couple of thank-you gifts for Christmas\u2014well, you won\u2019t get them in time for Christmas\u2014but you get the idea. We\u2019ll send you a copy of my book, <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em>, and we\u2019ll send you a flash drive that includes more than 100 of the best <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> podcasts and radio programs from the past 28 years. Both of these resources are our thank-you gift when you make a donation today. Again, you can do that, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make a yearend donation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you can join us, again, tomorrow when we\u2019ve got a special early Christmas present for you\u2014an in-house concert and conversation with singer\/songwriter\/worship leader Laura Story. She joins us tomorrow. We hope you can join us to be back for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. 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