{"id":306619,"date":"2020-12-15T07:00:05","date_gmt":"2020-12-15T12:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/parenting-potholes\/"},"modified":"2020-12-15T07:00:05","modified_gmt":"2020-12-15T12:00:05","slug":"parenting-potholes","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/parenting-potholes\/","title":{"rendered":"Parenting Potholes"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What are the common potholes parents fall into as their kids get older? And what are six things parents can do when they see their children walk away from the faith? Dave &amp; Ann Wilson and Bob Lepine, explain.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2020-12-15.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:29:37","filesize":"27.12M","filesize_raw":"28440220","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2856,2806],"tags":[2288],"podcast_series":[8416],"cwp_profile":[3554,3142,3295],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306619","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-adult-children","category-spiritual-development","tag-adult-children","podcast_series-relating-to-adult-children","cwp_profile-ann-wilson","cwp_profile-bob-lepine","cwp_profile-dave-wilson","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306619\/parenting-potholes","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306619\/parenting-potholes","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"cMJchTn1h1\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/parenting-potholes\/\">Parenting Potholes<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/parenting-potholes\/embed\/#?secret=cMJchTn1h1\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Parenting Potholes&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"cMJchTn1h1\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"What are the common potholes parents fall into as their kids get older? And what are six things parents can do when they see their children walk away from the faith? Dave &amp; Ann Wilson and Bob Lepine, explain.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2020-12-15.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>If we\u2019re going to have a good relationship with our kids when they become adults, there\u2019s a transition that has to happen in the teen years. We have to move from being their caretaker to being their coach. Here\u2019s Ann Wilson.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>We called that phase: \u201cThe years of living in the question,\u201d where our kids would come and ask a question\u2014like, \u201cCan we do this?\u201d or whatever\u2014and we <em>know<\/em> what the answer is; the answer will be, \u201cNo.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u201cNo!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>But instead of saying, \u201cNo,\u201d we would say things like, \u201cWell, tell us about it. You want to go see this movie? Tell us what it is. Tell us all about that.\u201d We would just refrain from saying, \u201cNo,\u201d immediately; but we would help them to come to that conclusion. Sometimes, we would just have to say, \u201cNo\u201d; but we\u2019d have a conversation, because we\u2019re coaching them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, December 15<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. If we want our children to thrive as young adults, we have to teach them how to start making choices on their own while they\u2019re still at home. We\u2019ll talk more about that today. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Tuesday edition. I\u2019m thinking a lot of moms and dads are looking forward to having the extended family back together at Christmas time. I think some moms and dads are going, \u201cAnd it could get tense.\u201d It\u2019s been kind of a tense year with politics and everything that\u2019s going on, so we have to go into this prayerfully and carefully; don\u2019t we?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Ooh, that\u2019s good: \u201cprayerfully and carefully.\u201d I think that\u2019s really needed, because it can also be a time of anxiety; because we don\u2019t know what to expect in our conversations.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I mean, in some ways, obviously, it\u2019s wonderful.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>It\u2019s so fun.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>It\u2019s so great that they can come over or you go over there, but there\u2019s also\u2014you\u2019re tiptoeing around; you\u2019re like, \u201cDon\u2019t talk about this,\u201d\u2014in fact, you say that on the drive over\u2014right?\u2014as a mom and dad, like, \u201cHey, remember, do not bring this up.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes; we go to one of our kids\u2019 houses the other day; and Dave\u2019s like, \u201cOkay, so let\u2019s talk about politics.\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cLet\u2019s not! [Laughter] Let\u2019s not; are you crazy?!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cLet\u2019s have a nice time together.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I thought we could have an honest conversation, but you know\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, some things you have to be careful about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe had an opportunity, the three of us, recently to speak to a number of parents, who have adult kids, about how we navigate this relationship and how we continue to pursue what Ephesians 4:3 says: \u201cPursue the unity of the Spirit in the bonds of peace,\u201d even when there are secondary things about which we disagree.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re going to hear another portion of that presentation today; but before we dive into that, we have a couple of weeks left in 2020. I think a lot of listeners are going, \u201cYay! Just a couple weeks left!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes, they\u2019re excited.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I don\u2019t know that, when we flip the calendar, everything gets fixed; but\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014but we have new hope, Bob.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We do; it\u2019s been a challenging year for all of us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere, at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, we are praying a lot about the next couple of weeks; because what happens over the next couple of weeks\u2014as our listeners make yearend gifts to FamilyLife\u2014that\u2019s going to determine how much ministry we can do next year and how effective that ministry is going to be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; I don\u2019t know if listeners understand that that\u2019s how we do what we do. We have people, like you, that say, \u201cI\u2019m in.\u201d I would just say this: \u201cIf you\u2019ve been blessed by FamilyLife in any way, I invite you to be a blessing back.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>It\u2019s <em>amazing<\/em>; we have a group of families that\u2019s going to match your donations, up to $2 million, which is just a miracle. Just think, \u201cWhatever you give is sort of doubled; it is doubled\u201d I hope, in all the darkness of this year, we\u2019ve been light, pointing you to Jesus, and helping you, and your family, and your legacy. If that\u2019s true, I hope you join us and say, \u201cI\u2019m going to donate.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMaybe you\u2019ve never donated before\u2014this will be the first time\u2014and maybe you have many times. We thank you; and we ask you to step up and say: \u201cI want to be a part of this,\u201d and \u201cI want this ministry to keep going,\u201d and \u201cI know I\u2019m a part of that, so I\u2019m going to play my part.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>We want to help your marriages; we want to help your families; we want to help your kids\u2019 families. We have a lot of things that we want to do; we have a lot of plans that we want to make happen that will really be investments in your family. I really hope\/we all really hope that you will join us and help us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and again, the good news is that every donation we receive, during the month of December, is matched, dollar for dollar, up to that $2 million-matching gift total. If you can, go to FamilyLifeToday.com and make a donation today; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Please be as <em>generous<\/em> as you can be, because there are others who can\u2019t be generous this year. If you can do a little more, that would be <em>great<\/em>. Again, our website is FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make a yearend donation. Thanks, in advance, for whatever you\u2019re able to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Now, we\u2019re going to dive back into a presentation that we made recently to a group of moms and dads, all of whom have adult children, talking about relating to our adult children. We were talking about some of the dos and don\u2019ts\/some of the principles we need to keep in mind as we interact with our adult kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Relating to Adult Children Panel]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>If we give advice before they ask for advice\u2014like unsolicited advice\u2014it\u2019s received as criticism; anybody? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Man: <\/strong>Amen!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; and we\u2019ve learned, \u201cDon\u2019t give advice!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014unless we\u2019re asked.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>If they ask, it\u2019s the welcome mat; put it out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of our goals is that they\u2019d want to run home when they\u2019re 30 and 40. They\u2019d want to come home, because they feel like it\u2019s a place they\u2019re loved and accepted. There\u2019s a bearing with them, even if they\u2019re not exactly lining up with mom\u2019s and dad\u2019s values and living that way. I tell you\u2014it\u2019s hard to have that patience, because it could be <em>decades<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>One of our boys had a baby. It was their first baby; and he said, \u201cWe\u2019re going to give our baby a bath tonight. We didn\u2019t even get any instructions in the hospital.\u201d I was about to say, \u201cI\u2019ll help you! I can help you with that!\u201d\u2014I was about to say\u2014and they said, \u201cWe\u2019re just going to watch a YouTube of how to bathe a baby.\u201d [Laughter] I was like, \u201cOh.\u201d You guys, I just kind of walked out; I was so depressed\u2014like, \u201cI wanted to help!\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think they wanted to do it all by themselves; they didn\u2019t want me to help. But that\u2019s <em>hard<\/em> with adult kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Mom\u2019s been replaced by YouTube.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014YouTube! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Wow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>That\u2019s depressing, Bob!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It is depressing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Let\u2019s talk about this: \u201cWhat are the potholes that trip up parents with adult kids?\u201d<br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, I think one of the big ones is that parents don\u2019t make the transition comfortably from parents of little kids to parents of teens\/to parents of adults. It was a radio guest we had, who talked about this; he said, \u201cWhen your kids are tiny, you are the caretaker for your kids. That means your job is to keep them alive; they\u2019re depending on you for everything.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe said, \u201cAs they grow older, you move from caretaker to cop, and you follow them around. You write tickets, and you\u2014[Laughter]\u2014you put them in jail for a little while\u201d; right? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>That\u2019s good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When they get to be teenagers, if you don\u2019t move from cop to coach, they\u2019re just going to tune you out. You have to move to coach. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019ve been a coach\u2014and a coach can still pull a guy out of the game and bench him\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014but a coach, most of the time, is not benching people; he\u2019s not being a cop\u2014what\u2019s he doing?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>He\u2019s letting them play. He\u2019s coaching them to the point, where they can do it without him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You know they\u2019re going to make a mistake on this play, and you let them make that mistake.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>The great thing about this stage is, still, that we have some control.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right; in the coaching.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014in the coaching phase.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You can call a time-out; you can pull them out of the game; you can\u2014right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tListen, you want them to make bad choices and bad mistakes while they\u2019re still living with you, rather than you controlling everything and then they move out, and now they\u2019re making the bad choices\/bad mistakes. You have to let your kids go out and do some wrong things and fail.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>We called that phase: \u201cThe years of living in the question,\u201d where our kids would come and ask a question\u2014like, \u201cCan we do this?\u201d or whatever\u2014we <em>know<\/em> what the answer is; the answer will be, \u201cNo.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u201cNo!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>But instead of saying, \u201cNo,\u201d we would say things like: \u201cWell, tell us about it. You know, you want to go see this movie? Tell us all about that.\u201d We would just refrain from saying, \u201cNo,\u201d immediately; but we would help them to come to that conclusion. Sometimes, we would just have to say, \u201cNo\u201d; but we\u2019d have a conversation, because we\u2019re coaching them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe last phase\u2014so it\u2019s caretaker to cop to coach to consultant\u2014with your adult kids, you\u2019re a consultant. Now, if you\u2019re in business as a consultant, you go to somebody and say, \u201cHey, if we can ever help you out, I\u2019m available. You can hire me\u201d; right? You wait for them to hire you; and then, when they hire you, you come and you say, \u201cOkay, based on my experience, do this, and this, and this.\u201d You write up the report, and you hand it to them. Whether they implement it or not, that\u2019s up to them; you\u2019re the consultant. You don\u2019t come back around and say, \u201cDid you do what I told you to do?\u201d; right? Consultants don\u2019t do that; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I\u2019m just glad one of the Cs was not cosigner. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>No.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Don\u2019t do that; they\u2019re on their own. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think that\u2019s a big trap. As parents, we get so used to being a cop that we don\u2019t know how to transition to coach when they\u2019re in the teen years, or we get so used to being a coach in the teen years that we think we\u2019re still supposed to be coaching them after they\u2019re married. We have to figure out how to transition and how to pull back and let them be the young people that God\u2019s made them to be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe second thing, I think, is too many of us have our identity wrapped up in how our kids are acting or performing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When our kids are making bad choices, we want them to fix it; because it looks bad for <em>us<\/em> if our friends hear about it. Or when we\u2019re with our friends, and they say, \u201cSo how are your kids doing?\u201d we don\u2019t want to say how our kids are doing; because we\u2019re going to think, \u201cThey\u2019re going to think we were the worst parents ever, because our kids are doing this kind of stuff!\u201d We think that their behavior is all on us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, my behavior, when I was a teenager and a young adult, wasn\u2019t all on my parents. I was making my own choices, good or bad. It wasn\u2019t what my parents did or didn\u2019t do; it was: \u201cI\u2019m an autonomous, self-functioning human being.\u201d Our kids are going to do the same thing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have to find our identity in the fact that we are sons and daughters of God, who are trying to walk faithfully. We mess up; when we mess up, we seek God\u2019s forgiveness. God pours grace on all of that, so we have to find our identity in who we are with Him, not in how our kids are living or performing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I don\u2019t know about you, but I\u2019ve seen that we carry more guilt and shame in this area than many others. I don\u2019t know what you have been like as parents; but sometimes, I would go to bed at night and I feel that shame or guilt; I wonder, \u201cHave I done something?\u201d or \u201cWhat did <em>Dave do<\/em> that did this?\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I never go to bed, worried about any of that!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>You don\u2019t, actually. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI also think there\u2019s a spiritual battle that goes on in the midst of that as well, where we have an enemy. He\u2019s called the accuser, and he\u2019s always whispering those lies in our head, that: \u201cIt\u2019s your fault. You didn\u2019t do enough.\u201d I\u2019m glad that we have a Father God, who\u2019s the one that is continually loving, caring for, pushing for, and rescuing our kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think the third trap a lot of us fall into, when our kids get married, is we don\u2019t let them leave. The Bible says, \u201cA man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife.\u201d There\u2019s a new union that got formed; and if there is ongoing emotional dependence on you\/financial dependence on you\u2014if you\u2019re not giving them the space to form an \u201cus\u201d\u2014you\u2019re interfering. Dan Allender, who\u2019s a counselor and author, who we\u2019ve had on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, made a shocking statement early on; I\u2019ve never forgotten it. He said, \u201cNinety percent of marital problems that I\u2019m dealing with can be traced back to a failure to leave father and mother.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, he\u2019s not talking about just moving out; he\u2019s saying the daughter is still emotionally dependent on how her mom\u2019s going to view this, or the son is still concerned about what his parents will think. There\u2019s still the emotional attachment and dependence. We have to be the ones, who are the adults here, and say, \u201cYou need to leave.\u201d Some of us are still drawing too much of our own life from how our kids are doing, and we need to let them have space, and let them live their own lives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think these three things are kind of the pitfalls\/the traps we fall into.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Okay; I have a question for you with that area, since you\u2019re our expert. What if the wife has a harder time letting go of those adult kids and is wanting to: \u201cLet\u2019s give them money; let\u2019s do that,\u201d and the husband\u2019s saying, \u201cNo, we need to just let them go.\u201d What about that conflict between the two of them? Sometimes, as parents, we\u2019re on different pages with that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Sometimes, they\u2019re so needy that they\u2019re drawing too much life from it. Sometimes, it is: \u201cWho wants to see your kid suffer?\u201d \u201cWho wants to see your kids go through hard times?\u201d Let me ask you a question: \u201cWhen have you grown the most, spiritually, in your lives?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes; so good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When you\u2019ve gone through hard times and when you\u2019ve suffered! Jesus meets you there; you learn how to draw life from Him\/how to grow with Him. A lot of parents are short-circuiting their kids\u2019 spiritual growth by stepping in to try to cushion. They need to have some hard times; they need to suffer. They need to face financial challenges and not get bailed out all the time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>They need to face some\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh, and I agree with everything you\u2019ve said; it\u2019s just really hard.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It is really hard.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Who wants to feel that way? But if we can pull back and go, \u201cGod\u2019s there; God\u2019s meeting them. God\u2019s doing a work in their life in the midst of this,\u201d and teach them how to grow up and respond. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere are times you\u2019re going to help out; there are times we\u2019ve helped out with our kids, but we\u2019ve tried to be really smart and prayerful about when those times are, and not just make it the default, \u201cOh, you have a need? Here; we can help you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; I know for me\u2014I bet all of us could say this\u2014the most growth happened in my life through the hardest times.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>My mom, bless her heart, didn\u2019t step in. I thought she was a bad mom\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u2014you know\u2014\u201cWhere were you?\u201d We think God\u2019s a bad God that He\u2019s not bailing us out. And He does, but He it\u2019s not always the way we want. We grow, and it\u2019s the best that ever happened. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut it\u2019s hard; isn\u2019t it?\u2014because you want to rush in; you want to save the day. I love what Jim Burns says\u2014one of his principles about adult kids is they will never know how far the town is if you carry them on your back, so you have to let them walk their own journey. One day, they\u2019ll be thanking you for it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We know that some of you here\u2014your kids are at different places in terms of how you interact with them, where they are spiritually\u2014so let\u2019s talk about what you do if you have kids, who have completely walked away from the faith. Maybe they never embraced it in the first place.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think the first thing you have to ask is: \u201cHow did the father of the prodigal son relate to his son when he wandered off into the far country?\u201d We don\u2019t know everything about what he did, but we know that he did not put up any barriers to his son ever coming back home. When he saw his son starting to move in that direction, he ran to him. He didn\u2019t go out and chase him out of the far country\/didn\u2019t go out and pull him out of the pigsty. He waited; he trusted; he prayed\u2014we presume\u2014in the midst of all of this; and he was ready when his son came back. Of course, when he came back, he lavished grace on his son rather than lavishing shame on his son for all the things he\u2019d done.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPhil Waldrep wrote a book, <em>Principles for Getting Your Son or Daughter Back to God<\/em>, if you have a prodigal. Here were his six [principles]. First of all: \u201cYou have to learn to live guilt-free in your Christian life.\u201d As parents, we beat ourselves up: \u201cI have a prodigal; it\u2019s because I didn\u2019t do this as a parent or that as a parent.\u201d God has prodigals; the first two in the garden were prodigals. We are prodigals, so you have to learn to live guilt-free; don\u2019t embrace the shame.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber two: \u201cYou have to ask your prodigal for forgiveness for things you\u2019ve done.\u201d You have to find a way to humble yourself and go, \u201cWhat did I do or not do that I should have done?\u201d Try to get time with that prodigal and say, \u201cI just want to confess some things or ask your forgiveness for things I should have done or didn\u2019t do.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I think that\u2019s really good. I think to ask our adult kids, \u201cIs there anything that I\u2019m doing that is really hurting you or bothering you?\u201d I think that\u2019s a very <em>humble<\/em> question.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It is a humble question.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber three: \u201cYou must love your prodigal unconditionally.\u201d Even when they\u2019re in the far country, you have to love them. That doesn\u2019t mean that you prop them up or that you support their sin; but it means that you love that child unconditionally, faithfully, over and over again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber four: \u201cYou have to allow sin to run its course.\u201d They have to get to the pigsty before they get out\u2014not always; sometimes God will rescue them before that\u2014right? But you have to let sin run its course; you have to guard your words, and then you have to pray for your prodigal. I think, if this is what you have, this is how you care for them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJohn Piper has been open in talking about the fact that one of his sons was often in the far country for a period of time. I remember, when we interviewed him, he said, \u201cI prayed for my son every day.\u201d He said, \u201cI sent him just a short email every day: \u2018I want you to know I love you; I\u2019m thinking about you. I\u2019m praying for you today.\u2019 I might include something other than that, just a thought.\u201d He said, \u201cI went <em>for years<\/em> with no response to that, but I just sent the email every day; and just said, \u2018I want you to know\u2026\u2018\u201d He said, when his son came back he said, \u201cI read every one of those, but I never responded. I wasn\u2019t in a place to respond.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYour kids might respond and say, \u201cQuit sending me those emails.\u201d If they do, you quit sending the emails; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>For some of us, we have prodigals, who it\u2019s clear; some of us\/we\u2019ve got kids, who profess faith, but don\u2019t live it; right? These are kids, who would say, \u201cOh yes, I\u2019m a Christian,\u201d but you know that the moral choices they\u2019re making\u2014maybe their language, maybe the way they interact with other people\u2014you just say, \u201cI don\u2019t know that they\u2019re really Christians.\u201d Let me just say this: \u201cThey may not be.\u201d Don\u2019t presume that they\u2019re not genuinely saved and just living apart from the Lord; but don\u2019t presume that they are just because they prayed a prayer once, or just because they say, you know, \u201cI\u2019m grateful for the man upstairs.\u201d In fact, if that\u2019s what they say, you can probably wonder if they even know who\u2019s up there; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBe aware of: \u201cWhat\u2019s the fruit you see in their life?\u201d Here\u2019s the thing I would say: \u201cJust keep sharing the gospel with them.\u201d By that\u2014not: \u201cThis is what you need to pray to get saved,\u201d\u2014when I say, \u201c\u2026share the gospel,\u201d I say, \u201cKeep reminding them of the goodness of God demonstrated in the death and resurrection of Jesus.\u201d I need to hear that message over and over again in my life; whether you\u2019re saved or not, that\u2019s the message of life for all of us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019d go back to your kids, and I\u2019d just keep talking about\u2014you know, they say, \u201cYes, I\u2019m grateful for the Lord,\u201d\u2014I\u2019d just say, \u201cI\u2019m grateful for the fact that He gave His Son to die on a cross for us, and then His Son was raised again from the dead, and we have the power to live completely different lives as a result of that. Isn\u2019t that great news?\u201d I\u2019d just keep repeating that over and over again until the gospel breaks through; and all of a sudden, they either re-believe it or they believe it for the first time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I think we all know this, but I think it\u2019s just as important\u2014maybe more important\u2014to live it, not just say it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I think it was St. Augustine\u2014right?\u2014who said, \u201cShare the gospel at all times; and sometimes, use words\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>They\u2019re watching; and they\u2019re looking for and hoping for humility, and grace, and bearing with one another\u2014all the things we talk about in Ephesians 4. When they see that, I don\u2019t know anybody not <em>drawn<\/em> to that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, again, we\u2019ve been listening to a conversation we had, not long ago, with a group of moms and dads\/parents of adult kids about how we navigate our relationships with our adult children. Some of those relationships can be hard, especially if our kids\u2014if they\u2019re not in a good place, spiritually\u2014either they\u2019ve totally abandoned the faith or they\u2019re living nominal lives as Christians. That\u2019s a hard thing for parents. We have to keep praying; and we have to keep sharing the gospel; and we have to keep living lives of integrity as we just said; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I mean, it\u2019s obviously one of the hardest things. You\u2019re on your knees\u2014I mean, you think that\u2019s going to end at some point\u2014you know, they\u2019re a baby, and you\u2019re praying; and then they get their driver\u2019s licenses\u2014it never ends! You\u2019re still praying.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I feel like I\u2019m praying <em>more<\/em> these days\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014yes\u2014even with our grandkids. Yes; there\u2019s so much at stake, and we are living in a time when it\u2019s ever more important.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This workshop that the three of us did is available\/the audio is available for download. You can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, and download the entire presentation if you\u2019d like. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe also have a link to a couple of podcasts we did\u2014I think we did three episodes with Jim Burns, who wrote a book called <em>Doing Life with Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out<\/em>\u2014there\u2019s a link to those podcasts on our website as well. Of course, Jim\u2019s book is available in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center; so you can order the book from us online. Our website, again, is FamilyLifeToday.com for links to all of these resources. You can also call us to order Jim\u2019s book. The number to call is 1-800-FL-TODAY\u20141-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, we mentioned this earlier; but please be praying for us, here, at FamilyLife. We still have a ways to go to take full advantage of the $2 million-matching gift offer that\u2019s been made to us, here, at FamilyLife during the month of December. We\u2019re asking <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners to be as generous as you can be in making a yearend donation. When you make your donation, it\u2019s going to be matched, dollar for dollar, up to a total of $2 million. We still have a ways to go, so pray that we would be able to take full advantage of all of the funds in this matching-gift fund. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re able to make a yearend donation, we\u2019d <em>love<\/em> to have you get in touch with us. In fact, we know there are some listeners, who this year, simply can\u2019t donate at the end of the year. We understand that, so we\u2019re asking those who can: \u201cMaybe do a little extra this year to help out those who can\u2019t pitch in.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you make a donation, we\u2019re going to send you, as a thank-you gift, two items. We\u2019ll send you a copy of my book, <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em>, that is all about what we can learn from the biblical definition of love found in 1 Corinthians 13\u2014how we apply that in our marriage relationship\u2014and we\u2019ll send you a flash drive that has more than a hundred of the top <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> radio programs from the last 28 years\u2014programs that deal with marriage-related issues, parenting, all kinds of relationship issues; some great stories\/great guests over the years. We\u2019ll hear from Dennis and Barbara Rainey, Dave and Ann Wilson; it\u2019s just a great collection of the top programs from the last \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t28 years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe book and the flash drive are our gift to you when you make a yearend donation. Do it online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. We\u2019re grateful for your participation and grateful for your prayers as well. Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you can join us again tomorrow when we\u2019re going to talk about those hot-potato subjects\/those subjects that maybe it\u2019s just better that we don\u2019t bring them up when we\u2019re talking with our adult kids. How do we deal with those kinds of issues? We\u2019ll talk more about that tomorrow. I hope you can tune in.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. 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