{"id":306617,"date":"2020-12-14T07:00:04","date_gmt":"2020-12-14T12:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/patient-parenting\/"},"modified":"2020-12-14T07:00:04","modified_gmt":"2020-12-14T12:00:04","slug":"patient-parenting","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/patient-parenting\/","title":{"rendered":"Patient Parenting"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>In the Bible patience means &#8220;long-suffering.&#8221; Dave and Ann Wilson, along with Bob Lepine, explain why this is so important for parents, and why showing gentle grace in the midst of irritation makes all the difference.<br \/>\nShow Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tDownload the entire message with Dave and Ann Wilson.<br \/>\n \tListen to the series &#8220;Doing Life With Adult Kids&#8221; with Jim Burns.\u00a0 https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/series\/doing-life-with-your-adult-kids\/<br \/>\n \tDownload FamilyLife&#8217;s new app! https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/<br \/>\n \tFind resources from this podcast at https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130.<br \/>\n \tCheck out all that&#8217;s available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.\u00a0 https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>In the Bible patience means &#8220;long-suffering.&#8221; Dave and Ann Wilson, with Bob Lepine, explain why patient parenting is so important.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"%%excerpt%%","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2020-12-14.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:27","filesize":"25.13M","filesize_raw":"26347907","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2856,2839],"tags":[2288],"podcast_series":[8416],"cwp_profile":[3554,3142,3295],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306617","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-adult-children","category-attitude-problems","tag-adult-children","podcast_series-relating-to-adult-children","cwp_profile-ann-wilson","cwp_profile-bob-lepine","cwp_profile-dave-wilson","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306617\/patient-parenting","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306617\/patient-parenting","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"843Qjy0wOs\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/patient-parenting\/\">Patient Parenting<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/patient-parenting\/embed\/#?secret=843Qjy0wOs\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Patient Parenting&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"843Qjy0wOs\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"In the Bible patience means \"long-suffering.\" Dave and Ann Wilson, with Bob Lepine, explain why patient parenting is so important.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2020-12-14.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Do you treat your adult children like they\u2019re still your children?\u2014or like they are adults? Here\u2019s Dave Wilson.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> First thing I learned, when I started dating this woman and then got married, is her dad, from day one, treated me like a man, adult to adult. It struck me: I had not been treated by an older man like that. He wanted my opinions; he asked my advice. I almost snickered at first, like, \u201cYou don\u2019t really\u2026\u201d; and he did! I remember feeling like, \u201cHe respects me, even though he shouldn\u2019t! [Laughter] Because I know nothing!\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, December 14<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. Do you find there is some tension in your relationship with your adult children?\u2014maybe it\u2019s because you\u2019re still treating them like children and not like adults? We\u2019ll talk more about that today. Stay with us.\n\nAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Monday edition. I think what listeners are going to hear us talking about today\u2014this is one of the top three questions I get asked by listeners, when I\u2019m out talking to people, and they\u2019re looking for help.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014and they\u2019re desperate.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>They want to know, \u201cHow do I have a relationship\/a strong, healthy, loving relationship with my adult kids, who are starting to view the world differently than I view the world?\u2014and starting to go in directions that I\u2019m going, \u2018Don\u2019t go there!\u2019\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes!\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201c\u2019Don\u2019t think that!\u2019\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s amazing how our kids become adults; isn\u2019t it?\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014how they have minds of their own?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And they do think different.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Sometimes it\u2019s sad. [Laughter]\n\nBob, it was <em>fun<\/em> for Dave and I to get to do this with you\u2014to actually talk on this topic.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; I think the listeners are going to enjoy the conversation they\u2019re going to hear.\n\nBut before we take them to that, we\u2019re pretty excited. We\u2019ve been sharing with our listeners, over the last couple of weeks, we have some friends of the ministry, who have come to us and said, \u201cWe know that this has been a hard year for ministries like <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. We want to help at yearend.\u201d They\u2019ve agreed to match every donation we receive, during the month of December, dollar for dollar, up to a total of\n\n$2 million.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s amazing.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> What a <em>generous<\/em> offer and gift.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And it is a year where we are asking God to help us meet this matching gift. Every donation we receive this month is vital and important. We wanted to come to listeners and say: \u201cI don\u2019t know what you\u2019re thinking about yearend giving. I don\u2019t know where your family is financially; we know it\u2019s been hard for a lot of families this year. But if you can make a yearend contribution, would you consider a gift to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> to help us continue to provide practical biblical help and hope for marriages and families?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; you said it, Bob. It\u2019s been a hard year for everybody. There are people listening\u2014maybe they lost their job\u2014that\u2019s extremely difficult and scary. I\u2019ve got to be honest: \u201cIt\u2019s scary for ministries as well. Who has ever gone through the kind of year 2020 was. COVID has shut down our events. We pivoted to online to try to help people; but in many ways, we are trusting God like never before for people, like you and me, to say, \u2018I believe in this ministry, and I want to give.\u2019\u201d\n\nLet me say\u2014I know you\u2019re going to be asked to give to a lot of different things; we are as well. Let me ask you: \u201cDo you believe FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>is making a difference?\u201d You\u2019re not just giving to an organization; you\u2019re giving to thousands\/really, tens of thousands of couples\/families. Ann and I are sitting here, a changed legacy, because of FamilyLife. We don\u2019t talk about it a lot, but FamilyLife helped save our marriage and gave us a vision for what the future could look like.\n\nThat\u2019s what FamilyLife does\u2014we help\u2014we say this all the time, but we offer practical help and hope. You\u2019re giving to that. You\u2019re going to be changing families like the Wilsons by giving a dollar; I hope it\u2019s tens of thousands of dollars. What an unbelievable opportunity to be matched! That\u2019s God using a family to say, \u201cWe know this is an important ministry, and we want to be a part.\u201d I challenge you\/invite you: \u201cJoin us. Make a difference. Ask God, and then do what He asks you to do.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You guys, has there ever been a time in history, in my opinion, that it\u2019s more needed? As we look at what has happened this year, across our globe and across our country, I feel like marriage and family is what is most needed to change our culture. It <em>starts<\/em> in the family, so this could be a <em>great<\/em> way for us to change the world.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> For where we\u2019re headed, as a culture, strengthening families may be the most important thing that needs to happen\u2014that\u2019s what we believe\u2014and that\u2019s what you\u2019re investing in. If you can help with a yearend donation, go to FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014make an online donation\u2014or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. Your donation is going to be matched, dollar for dollar, when you donate during the month of December. We\u2019re grateful for your financial support.\n\nWe hope you\u2019re going to benefit from the conversation you\u2019re about to hear. Again, we had a chance to speak to a lot of couples, who had come to hear conversation about how we relate and love our adult children, even when things get challenging.\n\n[Relating to Adult Children Panel]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019re talking with parents all the time who are blindsided, I think, by the cultural divide and where their kids are landing on the cultural divide; they\u2019re burdened. When we sat down with our kids on the first night of us all being together, I said, \u201cThe fact that you all were looking forward to being together with one another\u2026\u201d We would\u2019ve just assumed, \u201cWell, of course; they\u2019re brothers and sisters; of course, they\u2019d want to be together.\u201d\n\nBut we know friends, who have family members, who live in the same town\/they have brothers and sisters living in the same town, who don\u2019t speak to one another in the same town. You <em>can\u2019t<\/em> take for granted that everybody\u2019s going to get along. You can\u2019t take for granted that everybody\u2019s going to have a consistent biblical worldview or that everybody\u2019s going to be walking with the Lord. It\u2019s the reality of the world we\u2019re living in today.\n\nWe had the sexual revolution in the \u201860s that was challenging all of the norms. Well, today, we\u2019re now eating the fruit of that season. Things that, 20 years ago, we would\u2019ve looked at and said, \u201cThat would <em>never<\/em> happen,\u201d are the norm and being celebrated in the culture. Our kids are being catechized by an ever-present world. How are things different? Everybody\u2019s hyper-connected, so information is coming at us nonstop. It\u2019s programming how we think and how our kids think. It\u2019s leading us to this hyper-divided world we live in.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Bob, I heard you, even on radio for the past year\u2014often, you\u2019ll refer to\n\nEphesians 4\u2014I love that you use that so much. Walk us through that in terms of: \u201cHow is that a foundation that can help us navigate the terrain?\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Ephesians 4:1-3 is a <em>great<\/em> place for you to just meditate\/maybe memorize\u2014that\u2019s what I\u2019ve been focusing on\u2014just planting it in my brain. I read this passage; and I thought, \u201cThis is talking about how we should get along in the church.\u201d But here, this applies not just to church; it applies to how we get along in our families. Ephesians 4, verse 1, says: \u201cTherefore\u201d\u2014Paul says\u2014\u201cI, therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you\u2019ve been called with all humility and gentleness with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.\u201d\n\nYou look at that and say, \u201cWhat\u2019s the goal?\u201d It\u2019s down in verse 3; the goal is: \u201c\u2026maintain the unity of Spirit in the bond of peace.\u201d Wouldn\u2019t you love to think that, with your kids in your extended family, there was the unity of the Spirit and the bond of peace? \u201cWell, yes; that\u2019s what we all hope for and thought that would happen naturally.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, but what if we don\u2019t have unity of the Spirit?\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And that happens in families; right? If there\u2019s not spiritual unity in the family, you can still be pursuing peace and some level of unity\/commonality\u2014some level of being able to find the things we have in common that are biblically-undergirded\u2014\u201cWe may not agree on some issues of doctrine or morality in the culture today, but what can we agree on?\u201d\n\nWe\u2019re going to talk more about this, because not everybody\u2019s in the same place. Some of you in here are looking\/going, \u201cOur kids have walked away from the faith completely.\u201d Some of you are saying, \u201cOur kids still go to church, but it\u2019s not a church we\u2019d pick for them to go to.\u201d There are all kinds of that thing going on.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Some of you may have heard our interview with Jim Burns, who wrote a book called <em>Doing Life with Your Adult Children<\/em>. Here\u2019s a quote\u2014he said he went to speak at this conference, and here\u2019s what he said\u2014he said: \u201cMost of us have adult children who have violated our values and chosen a different path than we would have chosen for them.\u201d When he did that, the crowd <em>moaned<\/em> in recognition. I think that\u2019s really true; there\u2019s this <em>heaviness<\/em>, like, \u201cIt hasn\u2019t gone the way we had hoped.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And the subtitle of his book?\u2014<em>Keep <\/em>[<em>Your Mouth Shut<\/em>]<em> and the Welcome Mat Out<\/em>. [Laughter] There\u2019s something to that. It\u2019s not that we never have conversations or dialogue; but the welcome part should be where we\u2019re focused rather than, \u201cI\u2019ve got to fix you in the 15 minutes while you drop by the house\u201d; right?\n\nYou look back at this passage in Ephesians 4; it says, \u201cPreserve the unity of the Spirit\/maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.\u201d How do you do that? Well, you go back to verse 1; you do it by walking in a manner worthy of the calling. Our job, as parents, is to have a worthy walk so that our interactions with our kids would be how Jesus would interact with our kids if He was having those conversations with them. Sometimes we think what Jesus would do is He would just blast them, because that\u2019s what we feel like doing: right?\u2014[Laughter]\u2014He\u2019d fix them; He\u2019d correct them\/He\u2019d say: \u201cYou\u2019re wrong here,\u201d and \u201cYou\u2019re wrong there.\u201d\n\nBut how was Jesus with unbelievers? How was Jesus\/the people He blasted were the self-righteous Pharisees. Look at the four words that are in this verse: \u201chumility,\u201d \u201cgentleness,\u201d \u201cpatience,\u201d and \u201cbearing with one another in love.\u201d Let me walk through those.\n\nHumility means that your kids know that you believe: \u201cI can learn from you just like you can learn from me.\u201d Would your kids say, \u201cI know that Mom and Dad listen to me and respect my opinion, and they can learn stuff from me\u201d? Would they say, \u201cThey\u2019ve demonstrated that, and I know that\u2019s how they think and what they believe\u201d?\n\nI find a lot of kids today\/adult kids, who would say, \u201cOh, my mom and dad think they\u2019ve got the corner on the truth. They\u2019re the only ones who know; they never listen. They don\u2019t understand.\u201d There\u2019s got to be a humility that says, \u201cI want to hear\/I want to know what you\u2019re thinking. How\u2019d you get to that conclusion?\u201d We\u2019ve got to be having those conversations.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s so hard too. Isn\u2019t it hard to do that when our kids are saying these crazy things?\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, it\u2019s hard! I\u2019m fearful of what they\u2019re saying and what they\u2019re going to do with their beliefs or whatever. I think I\u2019m interjecting\u2014I don\u2019t now, but I used to\u2014because I\u2019m thinking, \u201cOh, don\u2019t go there; because I know where this could lead for you.\u201d It\u2019s hard for us, as parents, just to be quiet and to listen.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Bob\u2019s right. Great listeners have to be humble. You can\u2019t listen well unless you\u2019re humble. Your arrogance means, \u201cI\u2019m not really listening; I\u2019m going to <em>tell<\/em> you.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014and \u201cI\u2019m better.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Humility means, \u201cI really think you have something of value for me to learn. Son\/daughter, let me try to understand. Help me.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You know, when they were teenagers, and they would come home and they would say, \u201cWell, So-and-so said that he was gay today.\u201d Everything inside of you is like, \u201cWhat?! Tell me the whole thing.\u201d You freak out. [Laughter]\n\nWe try to help folks: \u201cYou have to practice, with your teenagers, your not-freak-out face: \u2018Oh; oh, that\u2019s interesting. Tell me more.\u2019\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You go in the other room and freak out.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, you freak out there. Dave and I freak out together, and then we go back in the other room.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We have a freak-out <em>room<\/em> in our house. [Laughter] It\u2019s where we go. [Laughter]\n\nC.J. was talking about his friend, who was smoking pot?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; I think he was in high school. He was talking about this kid that smokes pot. I said, \u201cOh, is he that bad kid?\u201d\u2014those were the first words out of my mouth. This is years ago. He said, \u201cOh, is he a bad kid <em>because<\/em> he smokes pot, Mom?\u201d I say [biting tongue], \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d [Laughter] But it was good for me; it was helping me to catch the things that come out of my mouth.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We had to learn how to do that when they were teenagers. Now, when they\u2019re 30, and they come home and start saying things, that you have the same freak-out: \u201cYou believe that?\u201d \u201cYou watch that?\u201d \u201cYou listen to what?\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re voting that way?!\u201d; right? [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019ve got to: \u201cInteresting; tell me more.\u201d I mean, we\u2019ve <em>got<\/em> to practice this kind of humility that says, \u201cI want to see how you got to that place. I want to know more about\u2026\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What you just modeled\u2014the second word\u2014I was going to ask you: \u201cSo talk about gentleness. You just sort of showed us what gentleness\u2014but gentleness\u2014what does that look like?\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Gentleness means you\u2019re not harsh with your kids; you\u2019re not angry with your kids. You are kind; you\u2019re gentle.\n\nThis is interesting; I read this in a book, where an author said Jesus\u2014\u201cThe only thing He ever said about His character\u201d\u2014you know what it was? He said, \u201cTake My yoke upon you, for I am meek and lowly of heart.\u201d Humble and gentle is what He was saying: \u201cI\u2019m humble, and I\u2019m gentle.\u201d\n\nGentleness is this response of grace and self-control in a moment when you\u2019re freaking out. It\u2019s controlling your anger\/your frustration. It\u2019s demonstrating mercy, and love, and compassion, and kindness <em>instead of<\/em> coming with this anger or this frustration that you feel.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>That\u2019s good.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I remember\u2014boy, this is 40-some years ago\u2014hearing Gary Smalley, Sr., who\u2019s now with the Lord\u2014talk about how to open up a closed spirit. Anybody remember this?\u2014this is on VHS tapes. He\u2019s talking about, in a marriage, when your spouse is closed up. You\u2019ve said something\/you\u2019ve done something that hurts her or hurts him. He used a fist\u2014they\u2019re just closed\u2014and he goes, \u201cYou can\u2019t open that spirit. You try; you speak.\u201d And again, I might be getting this wrong; it\u2019s been 40 years, and I had hair back then. [Laughter]\n\nHere\u2019s the thing\u2014I do remember him saying, \u201cThe only way a closed spirit comes open again is humility and gentleness.\u201d He didn\u2019t even quote Ephesians 4. But I remember he said, \u201cIf you\u2019re approaching a son, who\u2019s closed to something you\u2019ve said or done, just get down on the floor, below them.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cGet on their level.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cDon\u2019t tower over and power up. Come in gentle\/humble, and give grace. That spirit may not be quick, but it will begin to open up.\u201d\n\nI think it\u2019s <em>so true<\/em> with adult kids; they\u2019ve <em>felt <\/em>that: \u201cWe\u2019ve been powered over for our lives.\u201d We go from parent\/to child to adult\/to adult\u2014that\u2019s a <em>hard<\/em> transition for parents to make\u2014it\u2019s not as hard for the kid. They want it; they expect it.\n\nThe first thing I learned, when I started dating this woman and then got married, is her dad, from day one, treated me like a man. It struck me: I had <em>not<\/em> been treated by an older man like that. He wanted my opinions; he asked my advice. I remember feeling like, \u201cHe respects me, even though he shouldn\u2019t! [Laughter] Because I know nothing!\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think, by the time we were in high school, my dad would have a topic. He would look around the table, and he said, \u201cWhat do you guys think about that?\u201d Then he\u2019d say something was going on at work; and he\u2019d say, \u201cWhat do you think I should do?\u201d To me, that demonstrates that humbleness\/that willingness to still learn and hear our ideas.\n\nI know he\u2019s not going to do half the things we ever said; but the fact that he would listen to us, look us in the eye, and said, \u201cAh, that\u2019s interesting. I like how you\u2019re thinking, and I like where you\u2019re going with that.\u201d He may not have, but it made us <em>feel<\/em> good.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Think about this, Bob. As you\u2019re talking about Paul\u2019s writings: humility, gentleness; here\u2019s a big one\u2014the next word\u2014\u201cpatience.\u201d With your kids, what does patience look like?\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You know what it means, literally\u2014long-suffering.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s the definition of parenting, right there. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The word, patience, means you suffer\/you endure; you stay under the weight of something for a long time. The word translated, patient, in the New Testament is a Greek word that literally means to put your anger or wrath away\u2014to put it far away from you. The first quality of love mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13: \u201cLove is\u201d\u2014what?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> [With audience] \u201cpatient.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014the first thing. That\u2019s not what we think of when we say, \u201cDefine love.\u201d We don\u2019t think: \u201cPatience.\u201d But long-suffering is the first thing; to be patient is to be long-suffering as opposed to being hasty with anger or punishment\/to endure patiently as opposed to losing faith or giving up.\n\nYou don\u2019t give up, because your hope is not in your child or how they\u2019re responding. You hope is in the redemptive power of God in everyone\u2019s life. Anytime I\u2019m talking to parents\u2014today, I\u2019m walking over here, talking to parents\u2014the mom says to me, \u201cOur number-two son, last month, moved in with his girlfriend. He was the one, who said, \u2018I\u2019ll never do that to you,\u2019 because his older brother had moved in with his girlfriend before they got married. My son said, \u2018Yes, I\u2019ll never do that to you, Mom,\u2019 and now he has\u201d; right? You look at that\u2014and you feel guilt, and shame, and \u201cWe\u2019ve failed,\u201d and all of this\u2014you think, \u201cMan, these bad choices...\u201d You can start to feel like there\u2019s no hope left.\n\nI say to parents, all the time, \u201cThe story is not over. God specializes in beauty from ashes.\u201d Ashes\u2014ashes are as bad as it can get; there\u2019s nothing left but ashes\u2014and God can make that into something beautiful.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We have some really good friends that have a 40-year-old son, their oldest. He\u2019s been married\/divorced; he\u2019s living in their home now. He struggled with a job; he struggled with drug addiction. It\u2019s been a long, hard journey. They\u2019ve had to be patient, and it\u2019s been really hard.\n\nAnd yet, we were there one night; and when everyone is in bed, I heard the mom put on this praise and worship. She walks around the house, singing over their house, claiming and praying for this son\u2014that Jesus will grab hold of [his] heart. She\u2019s praying on her knees, and she\u2019s doing battle on her knees. That\u2019s a <em>good<\/em> place to go with our adult children, especially.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think some diagnostic questions to help you figure out: \u201cHow I am at patience?\u201d\u2014\u201cAre you easily provoked by your adult kids?\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cDo you find yourself easily annoyed or angry when your adult kids don\u2019t act or think the way you think they should?\u201d \u201cAre there times, where you\u2019re interacting with your kids, and you start to feel your jaws clenching, and your muscles tighten?\u201d\u2014right? If that\u2019s the case, then that shows that there\u2019s some lack of patience. You\u2019ve got to learn how to trust in the Lord, and say, \u201cGod\u2019s in the midst of this,\u201d and find your rest in Him.\n\nSo humility, gentleness, patience; and then this last word is \u201cforbearance.\u201d Tolerance is what it means, which has to do with those areas in a relationship, where there are habits or patterns that annoy us. This doesn\u2019t mean that you tolerate or you forbear where there\u2019s evil. It just means that, when there\u2019s somebody, who acts or think differently than you, you can show grace in those situations\u2014not with overt sin or evil\u2014but with those situations, where you just have to learn: when those things irritate you, you can have grace in another person\u2019s life. That\u2019s what forbearance looks like.\n\n[Studio]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019ve been listening to a session we had, not long ago, with a lot of moms and dads\/parents of adult kids, talking about how we continue to build a strong, healthy relationship with our adult children, even when we don\u2019t see eye to eye on things.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I smile; because I can feel the room even now, months later. There was tension, because there was real conflict with adult children\u2014they have different opinions\/different thoughts. You have them over for dinner; and there are topics you can\u2019t bring up, because you\u2019re going to disagree, and they\u2019re making decisions you don\u2019t agree with. Man, oh, man\u2014like you were just saying\u2014to have forbearance, and grace, and mercy in those moments is godly.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019m surprised. I thought, when our kids were 18\u2014or really, when they\u2019re done with college\u2014I just kind of like: \u201cOkay; we did it; we\u2019re done. We\u2019re sending them off. We\u2019re launching them.\u201d I didn\u2019t think I would <em>worry<\/em> this much or <em>care<\/em> this much or still continue to have conversations or conflict\u2014like, \u201cOh, it keeps going\u201d; and it can be even <em>more<\/em> difficult. To have these conversations is really helpful.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; we recorded a podcast, awhile back, with our friend, Jim Burns, who has written a book called <em>Doing Life with Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out<\/em> is the subtitle of the book. The podcast links are available on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com. There\u2019s also a link; you can download the entire workshop that we did together on this subject. Or you can order a copy of Jim\u2019s book; we\u2019ve got that in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. Again, the links are all up at FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014that\u2019s FamilyLifeToday.com. If you\u2019d like to call to order a copy of the book, our toll-free number is 800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d If it\u2019s easier, call and order a copy of Jim Burns\u2019 book, <em>Doing Life with Your Adult Children.<\/em>\n\nWe mentioned this earlier; we are hoping and praying this month to be able to take advantage of a $2 million-matching gift that has been made available to us, here, at FamilyLife. Friends of the ministry, who put this matching-gift fund together\u2014every donation we receive during December is going to be matched, dollar for dollar, up to a total of $2 million. We\u2019ve heard from some of you; thank you for getting in touch with us. If God has used <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> in your life in any way over the last 12 months, and if you can make a generous yearend contribution, we\u2019d love to hear from you right now. Again, your donation will be matched, dollar for dollar, thanks to the matching-gift fund.\n\nAnd we\u2019ll send you, as a thank-you gift, two items: a copy of my book, <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em>, that\u2019s all about how we can apply the definition of love found in\n\n1 Corinthians 13 in our marriages; and we\u2019ll send you a flash drive\/a thumb drive that\u2019s got more than 100 of the best <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> programs of the last 28 years\u2014programs about marriage and parenting, relationships; programs that feature Dennis and Barbara Rainey\/feature Dave and Ann Wilson, many of the guests we\u2019ve had on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\nThat flash drive and my book are our way of saying, \u201cThank you for your generous yearend donation.\u201d You can donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call to donate: 1-800-F-LTODAYis the number\u20141-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\nTomorrow, we\u2019re going to talk about the transition parents need to make as we raise our kids from being their caretaker to being their coach; ultimately, to being a consultant. We\u2019ll talk about why it\u2019s so important to make that transition; that\u2019s coming up tomorrow. I hope you can be with us for that.\n\nI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. 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