{"id":306612,"date":"2020-12-11T07:00:04","date_gmt":"2020-12-11T12:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/speaking-gracious-words\/"},"modified":"2020-12-11T07:00:04","modified_gmt":"2020-12-11T12:00:04","slug":"speaking-gracious-words","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/speaking-gracious-words\/","title":{"rendered":"Speaking Gracious Words"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What does it look like to &#8220;speak the truth in love&#8221; with your children in a practical way? Dave and Ann Wilson discuss with author, William Smith, about how to be honest, yet encouraging.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2020-12-11.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:30:15","filesize":"27.7M","filesize_raw":"29041646","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2850,2806],"tags":[2209],"podcast_series":[8415],"cwp_profile":[9680],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306612","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-character-development","category-spiritual-development","tag-parenting","podcast_series-parenting-with-words-of-grace","cwp_profile-william-smith","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306612\/speaking-gracious-words","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306612\/speaking-gracious-words","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"sVtutWsce9\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/speaking-gracious-words\/\">Speaking Gracious Words<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/speaking-gracious-words\/embed\/#?secret=sVtutWsce9\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Speaking Gracious Words&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"sVtutWsce9\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"What does it look like to \"speak the truth in love\" with your children in a practical way? Dave and Ann Wilson discuss with author, William Smith, about how to be honest, yet encouraging.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2020-12-11.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> As our kids get older\/as they become teenagers, there will be times when, as parents, we will need to have some hard, very honest conversations with them. Here is William Smith. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bill:<\/strong> One of the skills that you need to develop in speaking honestly is the ability to mirror someone back to them: \u201cThis is what I think I see when you interact with me like this\u2014when you use those words, when you have that tone, when you look at the floor instead of looking at me\u2014this is how I feel when you do that. I\u2019m not saying that\u2019s your intention; I\u2019m not saying that that\u2019s even a correct perception on my part. I\u2019m simply feeding back to you, in verbal form, \u2018This is what I\u2019m getting from you.\u2019 Do you see that?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, December 11<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I\u2019m Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. Having conversations with teenagers, or even with toddlers, and having grace present in those conversations\u2014that doesn\u2019t come easy sometimes. We\u2019ll talk today about how we can do a better job of bringing grace into our parenting. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I think we\u2019ve all had the experience of saying something to each other in marriage or to one of our kids\u2014and at the moment we\u2019re saying it, we\u2019re thinking, \u201cHow do I pull these words back and undo what I am doing in this moment?\u201d\u2014because we recognize, as we say it, \u201cThis is wrong.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Are you thinking of a story, Bob? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I don\u2019t have a specific one in mind. I just know there have been those times, where even in the midst of the words, I\u2019m just going, \u201cI shouldn\u2019t be saying it this way. These words are going to do more harm than good.\u201d Why are you smiling? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> There are <em>so<\/em> many times that I have felt like that; and then\u2014I don\u2019t know if guys do this\u2014but I know women do this. Then we go to bed at night\u2014and those words just cascading over our minds and our hearts\u2014we\u2019re so convicted. Our kids used to make fun of me, because I would <em>profusely<\/em> apologize for what I had done and confessed. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> She would walk down the hall, at two in the morning, wake them up\u2014not kidding\u2014when they were little and say, \u201cI\u2019m so sorry for what I said earlier today.\u201d They are like, \u201cMom, I just want to sleep.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Then I would write them letters\u2014and they would all make fun like, \u201cHey, did you guys get a letter from Mom last night?\u201d\u2014[Laughter]\u2014of saying how wonderful they are, and how I was so sorry, and \u201cI didn\u2019t mean to say\u2026\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So all of us have had words that we have regretted, [even] in the moment. Some of us can get over it more easily than others of us can. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBill Smith is joining us this week on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, and we\u2019re talking about the power of words and about how words of grace in parenting matter. In fact, Bill has written a book called <em>Parenting with Words of Grace<\/em>. Why this book? Why this theme? I mean, why did you say, \u201cThis is the book I need to write for other parents\u201d? What was on your heart with that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> Really, I wanted to see people develop relationships with their kids and have some real tools that they could use to do that. I also wanted tools that were gospel-infused so that they were driven by the gospel\u2014by a reliance on the Lord\/by confidence that God is much more involved in my life than I actually give Him credit for\u2014but it\u2019s not mystical; it actually happens in real time and space. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Bill is a pastor in the suburbs of Philadelphia. He is a counselor and, of course, an author and a speaker. You shared with us earlier that, in your pastoral ministry, you\u2019ve seen parents\/you\u2019ve had parents come to you and say: \u201cWe don\u2019t know how to have a solid relationship with our kids. We don\u2019t know how\/we don\u2019t know where to <em>begin<\/em> with that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> Yes; I don\u2019t think those parents are unusual. I think a lot of us just assume, \u201cWell, you have kids; and you feed them; you water them; and you go on.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> You discover very quickly, \u201cNo; that\u2019s not the case.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, it\u2019s interesting\u2014I mean, your title\u2014you could pick that up and say, \u201cWell, this a book that tells parents to only speak flowery, wonderful, sunshiny words\/words of grace.\u201d Obviously, that\u2019s true; but not\u2014that isn\u2019t the only thing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, you even mention there\u2014and I know I\u2019ve said this many times\u2014probably a lot of parents\u2014when you are watching <em>American Idol<\/em>, and they are doing the trials in the beginning, you\u2019re like, \u201cThis person <em>cannot<\/em> sing. How in the world did their mom or dad not tell them?\u201d You just want to go\u2014because they are like, \u201cMy mom told me I\u2019m a <em>great<\/em> singer!\u201d\u2014[Laughter]\u2014you\u2019re like, \u201cYour mom lied; are you kidding me?\u201d [Laughter] But you\u2019re thinking, \u201cOkay; are they just a parent that only did grace and there was <em>no<\/em> truth?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIs it just about giving grace, or is\u2014what\u2019s the balance? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> Jesus speaks, and the people marvel at the gracious words that come from Him. That was the thing that marked Him; when you heard Jesus talk, you got this sense of what it was like to be in the presence of a gracious God. He says things like: \u201cGet behind me, Satan.\u201d [Laughter] You sort of shake your head and you think, \u201cOkay; somehow, in God\u2019s understanding, that fits within grace.\u201d Well, when Satan is tempting you, it is gracious to say, \u201cNo; stop. You will not do that anymore.\u201d I think we have a misnomer. We equate grace with niceness and discipline with nastiness\u2014no; it\u2019s not the case. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGrace is very different. The whole Book of Proverbs just talks about two people\u2014right?\u2014the wise man and the fool. You all know this. Who is the wise person?\u2014they are someone who you get to understand by what comes out of their life. A lot of it is communication: they are thoughtful; they are considerate; they think about the impact that their words might have on other people. The fool, meanwhile, is a person who shoots their mouth off; there is no filter between their brain and their mouth. Whatever they are thinking comes out of their mouth and just sort of blows things up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGracious words are thoughtful; and they are considered, which I think is a bit of a rebuke to our culture, which values the sound bite, and the snappy repartee, and the back and forth, and the thoughtlessness. I think social media sort of helps push us in that direction. You come into the Scriptures and realize, \u201cNo; God has a <em>very<\/em> different way of communicating.\u201d Actually, His way builds connection and relationship without being sugary. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, it is interesting that you differentiated between\u2014graceful words, sometimes\/maybe, come across harsh for that mom or dad to tell their son or daughter, \u201cYou really don\u2019t have a gift of singing,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s <em>grace<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> Yes, it is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014because it is the <em>truth<\/em>. I mean, it sounds like, \u201cOh, you would never say that to anybody.\u201d No; that\u2019s a very graceful thing to say, \u201cYou have other gifts\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cthey\u2019re incredible. This one is not one; I know that is hard for you to hear, son or daughter, but I\u2019m being honest. If you don\u2019t believe me, ask three other people. If I\u2019m wrong, I\u2019m wrong; but I think you\u2019re going to hear the same answer\u201d; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> And why would you do that? You\u2019re trying to help them live as well as they possibly can in the world that God has made for them\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> \u2014part of which is the gifts that He has given. Okay, you\u2019re saying, \u201cYes, it doesn\u2019t matter whether you want to be a great singer; that\u2019s just not one of the ones that you were handed.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s interesting\u2014toward the back of your book\u2014you have this \u201cSkill of Encouragement\u201d and the \u201cSkill of Honesty.\u201d I would love to talk about that. I think our natural bent, as a person, is we are critical; that comes easy to most of us\u2014am I right? I mean, you can see things; and you speak about that, maybe, are critical or negative. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo be an encourager, and to have a skill of that\u2014that my spouse, my kids, my neighbor would think, \u201cI want to be around Dave; because when I\u2019m around Dave, I feel encouraged,\u201d\u2014man, I don\u2019t know if anybody has ever felt that from me; so talk about this <em>skill<\/em>, because it isn\u2019t just an attitude; it\u2019s an actual skill. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> It is. The reason those two skills are in there is\u2014I\u2019m learning from \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEphesians 4:15, where Paul talks about speaking the truth in love. Right before then, he says: \u201cLook, there are two options. You can be this immature, wave of the sea, that is just tossed to and fro by the wind\u2014you can be at the mercy of all kinds of foolish teaching\u2014or you can be mature. Which one would you like?\u201d \u201cDoor B, please.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> \u201cOkay, how do you get there?\u201d \u201cWell, your options are what?\u2014Scripture, Holy Spirit, prayer,\u201d\u2014no; it\u2019s speaking the truth in love. Now, all those others are true, and they are true in other parts of Scripture; but in this one, it is honest, truthful conversations with other brothers and sisters; i.e., also your parents; that\u2019s how we develop maturity. You think, \u201cOkay, that\u2019s an interesting combination\u2014truth and love\u2014why those two?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBecause if you don\u2019t have both of them, you don\u2019t have either. We\u2019ve all had that experience\u2014someone has spoken accurately about us; but because they didn\u2019t really care for us, it came across as criticism as you said, Dave, or sarcasm\u2014it was \u201ctruth\u201d that tears people down. Or we\u2019ve had the experience on the other side\u2014maybe, Ann, a little bit more in what you were referring to\u2014of someone, who was sensitive, and kind, and didn\u2019t want to be hurtful\u2014so they pulled back; they didn\u2019t say things that were as truthful as they needed to be. That was a conversational style that kept someone weak. You realize that, if you don\u2019t marry truth and love, you don\u2019t have either. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo what is encouragement? Encouragement is for those of us, who are a little more critical: \u201cHow do we learn to speak truth in a way that builds people up?\u201d Honesty is for those of us who tend to pull our punches: \u201cHow do we learn to have a love that makes people strong by being more truthful?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I was thinking about this verse recently\u2014and looking at it in that context of being tossed to and fro by every wind and wave of doctrine\u2014I thought, \u201cSometimes, I\u2019ll hear people say, \u2018We need to speak the truth in love,\u2019\u2014and what they imagine the truth is\u2014\u2018Is my opinion\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s a good point. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201c\u2019where I\/because this is how I think I need to express how I think and do it in love.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, that\u2019s\/I don\u2019t think that\u2019s what the Bible is saying. Speaking the truth in love is: \u201cHere is what God says\u201d; I think it can also be: \u201cHere are the facts about how this makes me feel,\u201d or \u201cHere are the facts about what this is doing to our relationship.\u201d But speaking the truth in love is not my subjective sense of what is right or wrong, or true or not, in this relationship. It\u2019s got to come back to speaking the truth as God sees it. This requires us to make sure that we\u2019re speaking the truth and not just saying, \u201cWell, because I think that it\u2019s true, I just need to wrap it with some love around it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Do you have an example of that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> No, I don\u2019t. I was just aware of the fact that, sometimes, people will pull out: \u201cThis is true, because it\u2019s true to me.\u201d There may be some factual basis; so a wife could say to her husband, \u201cWhen you said that, this is how it made me feel,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s true\u2014but when a wife says, \u201cYou need to know you are a critical person,\u201d that\u2019s her subjective analysis of how she sees him; that\u2019s not necessarily true just because she thinks it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Ooh, let\u2019s talk to the counselor now. How <em>could<\/em> she have said that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> So you want a hypothetical response to a hypothetical situation? [Laughter] Okay; good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Okay, let me ask you this\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> This sounds like premarital counseling. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, I\u2019ll give you another example that you can say: \u201cIs this right or not?\u201d If somebody says, \u201cYou\u2019re a critical person,\u201d my first thought would be, \u201cThat might be true. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cI need to ask three other people, who know me well. If they all three go, \u2018You are a critical person,\u2019 and I go, \u2018Okay, show me what that looks like,\u2019 I\u2019d have to go, \u2018I think that\u2019s true.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> You always want to check what someone says; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> Otherwise, you\u2019ve replaced God with them; and you\u2019ve allowed that person to be <em>the<\/em> voice in your world; so yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWould I urge a wife to say, \u201cYou\u2019re a critical person\u201d? That might be a little strong until we both agree that that\u2019s actually the case. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; if a wife says, \u201cYou need to know that, sometimes, you come across as a critical person,\u201d what you are trying to say is: \u201c\u2026received by others as having a critical spirit.\u201d That now is true because she\u2019s been on the other side of that; and that\u2019s different than saying, \u201cYou\u2019re a critical person.\u201d Does that make sense? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> As long as she is willing to consider that, perhaps, she reads something that he\u2019s doing as critical when it\u2019s not. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes, exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> So \u201cI <em>feel<\/em> this way,\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> \u2014is a valid statement. Whether or not that feeling actually has a grounding in reality; that\u2019s a different question. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It feels accusatory, too, when you say to someone, \u201cYou are\u2026\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It puts you on the defense. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019m wondering, \u201cIs this a conversation\u201d\u2014as we\u2019re talking about truth and love\u2014\u201cis this a conversation we could have with our spouse to ask them about ourselves or to even ask our kids? Would that be a dangerous place to go?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf I ask Dave: \u201cDo you feel like I give you truth in love, or am I more critical? Do you feel like I\u2019m encouraging you?\u201d\u2014is that a question I could ask in our marriage, or even ask a teenage son or daughter\u2014like, \u201cHey, you guys, I\u2019m wondering\u201d\u2014to one of our kids\u2014\u201cdo you feel like I come across as critical, or constantly telling you the truth too much, or do you see me on the: \u2018You\u2019re so loving Mom, you never tell the truth\u2019?\u201d I\u2019m not even sure teenagers can answer that; but is that a question, at least, for a spouse? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> I like the question from a spouse. I like the question for kids; I might lead a little bit less. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> What do you mean? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> \u201cHow do you experience me?\u201d\u2014rather than telling them how they\u2026\u201cYes,\u201d or \u201cNo.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> Because I\u2019m afraid\u2014if I say, \u201cDo you feel like I\u2019m too critical?\u201d\u2014now, I\u2019m probably going to hear that for the next three months [Laughter]; but if I ask: \u201cWhat\u2019s it like to live with me?\u201d \u201cHow do you feel around me?\u201d \u201cWhere are the things that I am helpful to you?\u201d and \u201cWhere are the places I am not helpful?\u201d I like open-ended much more than close-ended. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I tell you what\u2014I think, if a person isn\u2019t willing to ask that question, that\u2019s a critical sign of pride. I mean, there is part of me that wants to go: \u201cJust deal with me. This is what you got. You married me. If you don\u2019t like it, it\u2019s too bad.\u201d But to have the humility to go: \u201cHow do I come across?\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s it like being married to me?\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s it like being my son?\u201d\u2014and being willing to say, \u201cOkay, God; I\u2019m expecting You to speak to me through them,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s humble. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> It\u2019s humble, and it\u2019s a critical part of being honest with someone. One of the skills that I think that you need to develop in speaking honestly is the ability to mirror someone back to them: \u201cThis is what I think I see when you interact with me like this\u2014when you use those words, when you have that tone, when you look at the floor instead of looking at me\u2014this is how I experience it; this is how I feel when you do that. I\u2019m not saying that that\u2019s your intention; I\u2019m not saying that that\u2019s even a correct perception on my part. I\u2019m simply feeding back to you, in verbal form, \u2018This is what I\u2019m getting from you.\u2019 Do you see that? Am I missing that?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf I\u2019ve got the humility to ask, \u201cAm I missing\u2026\u201d I think that is a valid place to go. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; we had a small group of guys, years ago\u2014that we were together 20 years almost\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> Wow! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014raised our kids together; it was just a beautiful. I\u2019m still, obviously, friends with all of them; but we had a monthly meeting. One year, one of our guys decided, \u201cHey, this year, let\u2019s speak into each other truth about their blind spots.\u201d Like, \u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d \u201cLet\u2019s pick Bob; Bob, it will be your night. We\u2019re going to send Bob out of the room. We\u2019re all going to discuss Bob\u2019s blind spots, bring him back in, and then\u201d\u2014because it\u2019s not just one of us; it\u2019s seven us\u2014\u201cwe\u2019re going to go, \u2018Bob, we love you. Here\u2019s what we appreciate about you\u2026but here are three blind spots that we identified. Let\u2019s talk them through.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI tell you what\u2014it <em>sounds<\/em> like a horrible experience\u2014it actually was <em>very<\/em> helpful, because it was honest; but it was encouraging. By the end of the night, you\u2019re like, \u201cReally? So how do you\u2026because you all agreed on this.\u201d They did it very lovingly; it was truth in love. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I\u2019m not saying that this is a model for small groups. Again, I\u2019m looking at a counselor, saying, \u201cWas that a bad idea, or was that a good idea?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> So how long had the group been meeting before you chose to do that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Fifteen\/eighteen years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> So what you had was a group of guys, who were committed to each other,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bill:<\/strong> \u2014who knew that they were committed to each other. The ground of that was love that trusted. Without that trust\u2014that \u201cYou guys have my back, and the only reason that you would say anything is because you want me to be better than I already am,\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> \u2014without that kind of trust, what you\u2019re describing, I think, would blow up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> But having that kind of trust is huge. Having that kind of trust with\u2014so let\u2019s translate it into family\u2014with your spouse, and giving them permission to say, \u201cYes, these areas are pretty nice\u2026but these areas could use a little work.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have one of our kids, who\u2014well, all of them actually are pretty gifted at helping me see me. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> But you\u2019ve allowed them to do that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> I want that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> Yes; because I: \u201cWhat do I know? I know that I am deceived by sin. I know that I deceive me first before I ever try to deceive anybody else; because it\/in whatever I\u2019m thinking to do, I\u2019m thinking, \u2018That\u2019s going to work out <em>great<\/em>.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe first blindness is in <em>here<\/em>; I can\u2019t see that on my own. I need the gift of the people of God; and I need the gift of the people that God has placed around me, whether they are the people of God or not, to help me see those things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And we\u2019re back full circle to where we started this whole conversation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> The power of the relationship\u2014the love and trust dynamic in a relationship\u2014when that\u2019s in place, truth can go across that bridge. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf parents and kids are colliding when it comes to these kinds of conversations, you have to pull back and say: \u201cIs the foundation of love and trust understood and realized and experienced?\u201d \u201cDo my kids know how much I love them?\u201d \u201cDo my kids know that they can trust me? Do they have that foundation so that, in the moment, I can say things that are true, and they can hear them without feeling fearful\/without feeling less-than?\u201d\u2014all of those things. This is what is at the heart of your book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> It is; and one of the things that I think is really central to that is the confidence that God is involved and God is in the middle of all that\u2014that the gospel does not ever enter anyone\u2019s world when we\u2019re doing well\u2014the gospel doesn\u2019t come to us when we\u2019re plus-30; it\u2019s always minus-50. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> The gospel is really good there. It\u2019s really comfortable at rescuing us; and when we have invested ourselves in our kids in ways that have not been healthy, the gospel is still there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Let\u2019s say parents have listened; and they\u2019ve thought, \u201cWhoa! I have really <em>failed<\/em> at this.\u201d Give us next steps to help them to kind of build that relationship back with their kids. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bill:<\/strong> So, number one, hope is essential; the hope comes because God has not failed, and God has not quit, and He has not given up. Second, you have a Redeemer, who has paid for every wrong word that you have ever spoken; therefore, you can trust His words to you when He comes to you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThird, I think you have to start with: \u201cWhat can I do to reach out to my child to help them believe that I actually am for them, not against them? What are the pieces that I can do to build that trust when I\u2019ve worked very hard to tear that trust apart?\u201d And to believe: \u201cOkay, maybe, it doesn\u2019t happen in four years, five years, six years. I\u2019m not called to success; I\u2019m called to be responsible for what I can do, which is: \u2018Let me offer you a taste of Someone that actually would be good for you to know.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The good news is, if the bridge goes out, it can be repaired. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bill:<\/strong> It really can. It\u2019s very critical for me\/necessary for me to know and believe that, once Jesus rises from the dead, <em>nothing<\/em> has to remain the same in my life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; this has been good. Thank you for the time; thanks for the book. Thanks for coaching us and helping us remember how powerful our words are. I\u2019m thinking of Peter Parker: \u201cWith great power comes great responsibility,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s Spiderman for those who\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I know! [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Peter Parker on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>; never thought we\u2019d be there. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Bill, thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> It\u2019s been my privilege. Thank you guys. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019ve got copies of Bill\u2019s book, <em>Parenting with Words of Grace<\/em>, on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com. Order the book when you go online; or if it\u2019s easier, call us to order: 1-800-FL-TODAY is the number. Again, our website, FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to get a copy of William Smith\u2019s book, <em>Parenting with Words of Grace<\/em>; call 1-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Now, this seems almost crazy to think about; but three weeks from today, it will be 2021. A lot of people just said, \u201cHallelujah!\u201d We\u2019d like to think that, when we turn the calendar, all of the craziness of 2020 goes away and life gets back to normal. It\u2019s just not going to work that way, so we\u2019ve got to be ready for what\u2019s ahead for the next year for us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, we want to be with you in whatever 2021 brings. We want to be here, day in and day out, providing practical biblical help and hope for your marriage and your family. Many of you have gotten in touch with us to tell us how much you depend on this program, and we\u2019re grateful for that relationship. These next three weeks are going to be pivotal for us; we need to hear from listeners. We need you to make as generous a yearend contribution as you can so that <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> can continue strong in the year ahead and be here for you every day. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>We\u2019ve had some good news this year. We\u2019ve had some friends of the ministry, who have come along, and they have offered to match every donation we receive, dollar for dollar, up to a total of $2 million. We\u2019re pretty excited about that; we\u2019re hoping to take full advantage of that matching gift that\u2019s available. So whatever donation you make today will be matched, dollar for dollar. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we want to send you, as a thank-you gift for your yearend support, a copy of my book, <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em>, all about how you can cultivate a more biblical kind of love in your marriage. And we\u2019ll send you a flash drive\/a thumb drive that has more than 100 <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> programs from the last 28 years\u2014kind of the best of the best\u2014with Dennis and Barbara Rainey, Dave and Ann Wilson, some of our favorite guests, talking about marriage, family, parenting. That flash drive and my book, <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em>, are our thank-you gift when you make a yearend donation. Again, you can do that at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. We appreciate your support for this ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together, one way or another, with your local church this weekend; and I hope you can join us back on Monday when we\u2019re going to begin an extended conversation about adult children and their parents and how we can all get along better\/how you navigate these relationships once your kids are grown, out of the house, married, have their own kids. How do you make sure the bond stays strong? We\u2019ll talk about that next week. I hope you can be with us for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. Have a great weekend. We will see you back Monday for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. 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