{"id":306609,"date":"2020-12-10T07:00:04","date_gmt":"2020-12-10T12:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/the-power-in-the-tongue\/"},"modified":"2020-12-10T07:00:04","modified_gmt":"2020-12-10T12:00:04","slug":"the-power-in-the-tongue","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-power-in-the-tongue\/","title":{"rendered":"The Power In The Tongue"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Have you ever struggled with how to talk with your child in a way that seems fitting for the moment? Dave and Ann Wilson speak with author, William Smith, about the balance of words in grace and discipline.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2020-12-10.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:31:59","filesize":"29.28M","filesize_raw":"30706403","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2850,2806],"tags":[2209],"podcast_series":[8415],"cwp_profile":[9680],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306609","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-character-development","category-spiritual-development","tag-parenting","podcast_series-parenting-with-words-of-grace","cwp_profile-william-smith","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306609\/the-power-in-the-tongue","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306609\/the-power-in-the-tongue","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"Gdd5i3mg7D\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-power-in-the-tongue\/\">The Power In The Tongue<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-power-in-the-tongue\/embed\/#?secret=Gdd5i3mg7D\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;The Power In The Tongue&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"Gdd5i3mg7D\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Have you ever struggled with how to talk with your child in a way that seems fitting for the moment? Dave and Ann Wilson speak with author, William Smith, about the balance of words in grace and discipline.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2020-12-10.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> When we have to correct our children, what we say to them matters. William Smith says it\u2019s also important for them to know <em>why<\/em> it is their behavior needs to be different. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> The same words can come out in, probably, close to the same tone and be right and be wrong. \u201cYou\u2019re not going to speak to your mother that way because I\u2019m in charge, and I will not allow that,\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re not going to speak to your mother that way because that is not good for you. That is not what the Lord has called you to; and therefore, it is not acceptable in my home. I don\u2019t have control and authority outside the home; I do have control and authority inside the home. That\u2019s unacceptable.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, December 10<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I\u2019m Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. As parents, it is out of the abundance of the heart that our mouths speak. What\u2019s in our hearts really does matter. We\u2019ll talk more about that today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. There have been some times, in conversations we\u2019ve had here on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where I\u2019ve gone, \u201cOh! I just got my toes stepped on\u201d; you know?\u2014where a guest has said something\u2014and I just went, \u201cYes; I should have been doing that for a long time.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe had a guest, one time, who said, \u201cEvery time you have a discipline interaction with one of your kids, where you have to correct them,\u201d\u2014he said\u2014\u201cyour goal should be that you walk away with them, saying, \u2018I want to know Jesus better.\u2019\u201d [Laughter] I thought\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019m laughing, because that\u2019s a lofty goal. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cThat was <em>never<\/em> my goal. My goal was: \u2018I want you fixed, and I want you acting the way I think you need to act. I don\u2019t care what you think about Jesus right now.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re going to try to give some help to moms and dads today, who are in the midst of this; and before we do, we just want to turn to listeners and say, \u201cIf this kind of help that you get every day from <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>\u2014if it\u2019s making a difference\u2014we need to hear from you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We do. I have heard\u2014I have several friends that are in their 20\u2019s or 30\u2019s\u2014and I\u2019m thinking of a couple girls, who have just had kids. They\u2019ve told me, like, \u201cListening to the FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> podcasts has changed my parenting.\u201d They are turning it on in desperation; like, \u201cPlease help me today!\u201d The thing that is encouraging is they are saying, \u201cIt is my lifeline to Jesus\/to parenting.\u201d They are saying, \u201cThank you for making a difference in my life as a mom.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So think about that: when you give to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, you\u2019re investing in the next generation\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014because you\u2019re helping moms raise their kids and point them to Jesus. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; and I\u2019ll tell you\u2014as Ann said\u2014when we\u2019ve heard from these friends, it\u2019s so encouraging. First of all, that they are <em>young<\/em>; they are just starting out in marriage and in parenting, and they <em>love<\/em> the show; they really do. They are like, \u201cWe don\u2019t hear this anywhere.\u201d Literally, it\u2019s life-changing for them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe know\u2014now, we\u2019re parents of adult children\u2014that parenting journey is the most emotional\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014rollercoaster. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s a\u2014I mean, yes, it is\u2014but I mean, it\u2019s visceral. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s like: \u201cGod, <em>please<\/em> help us to raise young men and women, who follow You as adults.\u201d It is\u2014you are on your knees. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, as we became parents, we had no idea\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cHow do we do this?\u201d FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>\/<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> was a lifeline to say: \u201cHere is God\u2019s plan,\u201d \u201cHere is practical help,\u201d \u201cHere is hope.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve got to tell you\u2014this does not happen without listener support. This is how this ministry works: your financial giving makes that possible. At yearend, we\u2019re all making critical decisions: \u201cWhat am I going to do?\u201d \u201cWho am I going to support?\u201d I just want to remind you: \u201cWe need you, and I mean it. You don\u2019t think we need you?\u2014we need you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cThis does not happen without you going before God and saying, \u2018God, what do You want me to do?\u2019\u201d As God leads you to give to FamilyLife\u2014and I <em>pray<\/em> that He does\u2014please obey Him. Join us; and you get to be a part of changing people\u2019s lives\/changing legacies\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014changing families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014for eternity; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> When you give today, two things are going to happen. First, your donation is going to be matched, dollar for dollar, up to a total of $2 million. That\u2019s a <em>great<\/em> opportunity for your giving to be multiplied. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBeyond that, we\u2019re going to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d by sending you a couple of gifts. The first gift is a copy of my book, <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em>, which is all about how to love the way the Bible says we ought to love in marriage. We\u2019re also going to send you a copy of a flash drive that has more than 100 of the best <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> programs from the last 28 years\u2014programs with you guys, with Dennis and Barbara Rainey; programs that talk about parenting, about marriage, about family relationships. Some <em>great<\/em> stories are included. Really, these are the most-requested programs from the last 28 years; and they are timeless. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe want to ask you to give today. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014make an online donation\u2014or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. Let us hear from you; and thanks, in advance, for whatever you are able to do. If you\u2019re able to do something this year, there are some folks who can\u2019t; so if you can do a little extra, we\u2019d ask you to do that, because there are some folks who can\u2019t give this year the way they\u2019ve been able to give. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, what you are giving to is what we\u2019re going to be talking about today\u2014how we can help moms and dads know how to more effectively raise their kids with the relationship in tact as they grow. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, Bob; I can\u2019t wait to hear you introduce our guest. Will Smith is with us. That\u2019s pretty exciting; isn\u2019t it? [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We laughed, first, about the fact that if your name is Bill Smith, you are among tens of thousands of Bill Smiths in America; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> Yes; it\u2019s fun sometimes to Google my name just to see like how many hundreds of millions we are up to now. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Bill Smith is joining us. He\u2019s from the suburbs of Pennsylvania, pastors a church just outside of Philadelphia. He is a counselor and an author. He\u2019s written a book on parenting with words of grace. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHave you ever thought about discipline encounters with your kids and wanting them to love Jesus more as a result? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> In the moment, that\u2019s a struggle; but I think that is part of grace. I had one person ask me, \u201cHow do you know when to give grace, and how do you know when to discipline?\u201d I thought about it for just a moment; and I said, \u201cActually, I think grace is the umbrella under which discipline is. Discipline is an expression of grace\/it\u2019s an expression of love; because the goal, at the end of discipline, is for my child to be better off than they were beforehand.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, as you think\u2014and I know you write about this in your book\u2014and you think about Proverbs 18:21, which many people know as that pretty famous verse about the power of the tongue\u2014\u201cLife and death are in the power of the tongue.\u201d It could almost be \u201ctruth and grace,\u201d in some ways. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHow do you, as a parent, balance\u2014because it can\u2019t always be life words; every word to our kids isn\u2019t always affirmation\u2014every once in a while and, again, not death words\u2014but there are moments where you need to correct; and you need to discipline; and you need to bring a hard <em>truth<\/em> to your kids. How do you balance trying to parent with words of grace that balance the fine line between truth and grace or life and death? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> What I see in Scripture: anytime you interrupt somebody, if they are going off the cliff, you\u2019re being gracious. It doesn\u2019t have to be harsh; it doesn\u2019t have to be loud\u2014but it can be a simple: \u201cHey, stop. What are you doing?\u201d What have you done in that moment?\u2014you have disciplined; you have said, \u201cYou may not continue.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf your child ignores you, then you get a little stronger, and a little stronger, and a little stronger, and a little stronger: \u201cNo, I\u2019m really serious; we are not going down this road,\u201d\u2014but it doesn\u2019t have to start that way. It\u2019s all a continuum of grace that says, \u201cI am most interested in your best, even if that inconveniences me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019ve also found\u2014I think we probably all agree with this, as parents; definitely as married spouses\u2014if I am speaking life on a\/sort of regular basis, catching my kid doing something right and speaking life into it, and he hears that\u2014again, not over the top\u2014but he hears it every day: \u201cWow; Dad really thinks I\u2019m amazing,\u201d \u201cMom\u2026\u201d\u2014then you have to speak, \u201cHey, what are you doing? You\u2019re going over the cliff\u201d; they\u2019ll receive it better; right?\u2014if there is a balance that\u2019s leaning more towards life? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> Yes; otherwise, what are you doing?\u2014you\u2019re caricaturing who God is. When you\u2019re interrupting your child from doing something wrong, you\u2019re speaking as God\u2019s representative to say, \u201cNo; that\u2019s not the way that you were designed to live.\u201d But if that\u2019s the <em>only<\/em> thing that you are saying, that\u2019s speaking as the serpent; because you are refusing to see the other part of who they are and their giftedness. I think you have to have both. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019re not sort of strategizing: \u201cOkay; if I say three things that are positive, then I can get away with one that\u2019s not.\u201d You\u2019re saying: \u201cNo; as God\u2019s representative, I call out what is good in this world; and I call what is bad in this world. I invite you to move from where you are to where you need to be.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What is discipline and correction that is full of grace? How does that look different than discipline and correction that lacks grace? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> To be gracious, the primary beneficiary has to be the other person. Gracious discipline always has the other person\u2019s good\/best interest at heart. The analogy here is that we discipline like God disciplines us. He only speaks to us in those ways to correct us and curb us for our benefit; He doesn\u2019t really gain anything. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>The second part of that is He initiates that. It\u2019s an offer of: \u201cHere is a better world; isn\u2019t this something you would want?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You tell a great story in your book about\u2014I don\u2019t know what age your son was\u2014but one of them decided he didn\u2019t want to live with mom and dad anymore. He was going to move on, and you kept having these conversations that were going negative and even didn\u2019t want to be\u2014tell us that story\u2014because I found that\/because you had to be introspective and say, \u201cWhat\u2019s going on here?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> I think it is a normal experience; right? Some of our kids are little bit more forceful in not enjoying living under our roof. [Laughter] Some of them are a little more passive, but it comes out the same way. This one was a little more passive; you would say something to this child, and it would be ignored and be ignored. You\u2019d have to make it into a fight in order to get it done. Then the next day, you\u2019d have the same fight back again. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of my huge idols is: \u201cI don\u2019t care if you like me. You just need to respect me.\u201d I think this one sort of understood that. I found myself getting more and more irritated and more upset as the days\/weeks went on. The conversation in my head changed. I could start hearing myself\u2014the self-talk that you sort of ruminate over to where you start to think things that you should not say\u2014sometimes, you can control that; and you can walk away, and afterwards start to think, \u201cI need to love my child. I think I don\u2019t even like them right now.\u201d That\u2019s really dangerous because, in that moment, you\u2019re likely to say out loud, \u201cI don\u2019t like you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat do I need to do in that moment\u2014I need to understand what is going on in <em>me<\/em>. I need to have that sense of: \u201cWhat is it that is controlling me?\u2014because the love of the Father is not. Instead, what is going on here, is the love of respect. It\u2019s: \u2018I must be respected in my house for <em>my<\/em> sake, not for my child\u2019s sake.\u2019\u201d That, then, sparks one of those conversations with the Lord, \u201cOkay; I\u2019m out of line here. You need to wrestle with my own heart and bring me back in line with where You are.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, again, because we are Americans, we want to hear that, then, magically changes everything. The spiritual life doesn\u2019t work that way\u2014it changes <em>me<\/em>, and my heart changes\u2014but that doesn\u2019t necessarily change my child. But it does give me the resources to deal with his disrespect one more time in a way that does call him to something better without crushing him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So coach a mom or a dad: \u201cHow do we deal with a child\u2019s disrespect in a way that doesn\u2019t crush them or alienate them?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Because, Bob, every single parent\u2014at least, with teenagers\u2014has been to that point of\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cI don\u2019t like you right now.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Like we\u2019ve all been there, so coach us and help us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> So why do your children need to respect you? Why do they need to honor you? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, there is a commandment about that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> \u2014from Whom? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014from God. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> So it\u2019s an issue between God and them, not an issue between you and them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> If I make it an issue between me and them, I\u2019m out of line at that point. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> Exactly; because they were\u2014it was never given to you to require that from them; that\u2019s required of them by the Lord. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think we just got counseled, Bob. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I do too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think so. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> That\u2019s where I have to counsel myself. This is something that I think I have to have in order to be okay today; apparently, I don\u2019t. \u201cNow, Lord, how do I care more about <em>them<\/em> being in trouble with You than I am about their disrespect of me?\u201d Because I realize, \u201cMan, okay, if they are willing to be this bulled against me, they are actually that much more bulled against the Lord. That could have eternal consequences for them\u201d; and at this moment, I don\u2019t care about that. I would be happy if they just smiled at me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So if a teenager is saying something\u2014and you\u2019re instinct is: \u201cYou\u2019re not going to talk that way to your mother! You need to respect your mother!\u201d\u2014do I say it <em>that<\/em> way?\u2014or do I have the conversation with the teenager in the moment in a different way? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> And that\u2019s where I think what the issue, that is so critical, is: \u201cDown, what\u2019s inside?\u201d because the same words can come out, probably, in close to the same tone and be right\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> \u2014and be wrong. \u201cYou\u2019re not going to speak to your mother that way, because I\u2019m in charge; and I will not allow that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> \u201cYou\u2019re not going to speak to your mother that way because that is not good for you. That is not what the Lord has called you to; therefore, it is not acceptable in my home. I don\u2019t have control and authority outside the home; I do have control and authority inside the home. That\u2019s unacceptable.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> The tone makes a big difference. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> It does. It communicates whether I actually have your best interest at heart or whether I am insisting on: \u201cI\u2019m bigger, and stronger, and tougher right now; therefore, do what I told you to do.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, this is so hard. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes, it is so hard. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It really does take us being connected to the Father and listening to the Holy Spirit continually; otherwise, we\u2019re just going to say what we want and feel. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> That\u2019s where I think the response in that moment is so critical. One of our children really needs to be able to express themselves. In that moment, my counsel to them was: \u201cSay it; just say it.\u201d It was that: \u201cI <em>hate<\/em> you.\u201d I said, \u201cGood; you needed to say that. Thank you. You can express yourself fully, and I will respond with love. I\u2019ll still feed you, because that\u2019s how my heavenly Father responds to me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Did you say it that mildly? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> I did, as unbelievable as that sounds,\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Wow! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> \u2014because in that moment, that\u2019s what they <em>needed<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> That would not have been helpful if I had responded over the top. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; escalation would just lead to more escalation; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think it is important, because I did want to know what our kids were feeling. I wanted to know what was going on in their hearts and in their minds, so I would draw that out of them. We did have rules in place of how they would communicate it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> They are not going to call us names, or they are not going to call their sibling names;\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014but they can express what they are feeling in a respectful manner. But man, they can be angry about it without breaking or going beyond our boundaries. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> Ann, I think that is so important. Again, the model here is not human parents to human children. The model is divine Parent to human children. You recognize that God, in the Psalms, invites us to say all kinds of really bizarre stuff to Him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPsalm 73 is wonderful in my mind, where the psalmist starts talking about: \u201cIt\u2019s absolutely futile to do what is right.\u201d You think, \u201cGod comes along and says, \u2018That\u2019s good. I want you to spend a lot of time\u2014put that in verse\/put that in Scripture\u2014I will make sure that lasts for thousands and thousands of years. In fact, that is what I want My people to come and sing to Me in worship on the Sabbath.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou get a glimpse of a God, who says, \u201cIf that\u2019s what you are feeling, I want you to say it. I don\u2019t want you to pretend that I am not interested; I\u2019m not involved; and I don\u2019t care.\u201d Okay; we sort of learn how, then, to talk to our heavenly Father, which reshapes the way that we allow our kids to talk to us\u2014not disrespectfully\/not in a way that creates bigger tension\u2014but that says, \u201cNo; this really is where I am.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yet, you know, I think the most frustrating\u2014or one of the most frustrating things as a parent\u2014and it\u2019s right there in Psalm 73. Asaph says, \u201cWhen I tried to understand all of this, it was mindless. I couldn\u2019t understand it. The wicked prosper; and I\u2019m doing good, and it just seems like why waste my time.\u201d Then he says, \u201cUntil I entered the sanctuary of God,\u201d\u2014it\u2019s like he gets a totally different perspective. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe frustrating thing about being a parent is we know this\u2014and you say it in the book, and Jesus said it\u2014\u201cThe mouth is an overflow of the heart.\u201d We can correct our teenagers\u2014we can say, \u201cYou can\u2019t speak this way,\u201d\u2014we can correct their speech, but we <em>know<\/em> we can\u2019t change their heart. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bill:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And if the heart doesn\u2019t change, it\u2019s just putting a little glue on the outside; it\u2019s <em>not<\/em> going to do anything. That\u2019s out of our control. We\u2019re trying to get them to respect us or use respectful words; but at the end of the day, if their heart doesn\u2019t change, nothing is going to change; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo that\u2019s\u2014how do you do that? I mean, you can\u2019t control that, as a parent. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> That\u2019s so helpful, then, for me to look in Scripture and realize that God does the same thing. We\u2019re preaching through the Book of Jonah now. I <em>love<\/em> the Book of Jonah, because of how badly it ends. [Laughter] It\u2019s just\u2014in all of its rawness, here is this prophet who has, in chapter 2, experienced the grace of God. He has got an incredible ministry, a 120,000-person city has been repenting; and he is angry and just absolutely furious. God makes this attempt\/this inroad in the first part of Chapter 4 to come near to Jonah, and Jonah just blows Him off\u2014doesn\u2019t want to have anything to do with this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGod sets up the vine with the worm and all the rest of that to try to really reach his heart. The book ends with a question: \u201cShouldn\u2019t I be concerned about that great city?\u201d You\u2019re like: \u201cWell, I don\u2019t know; should You? Should You not be? Where\u2019s Jonah?\u201d I want to hear, as an American, that Jonah repented; and then, everything was fine. God says: \u201cNo; you have to learn how to ask that question too.\u201d You realize, \u201cGod speaks without necessarily having the guarantee that His words will be received and accepted.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You say that your kids mature through conversation. I think about that, even in our walk with God, of having conversations with Him. I was recalling an incident that happened with two of our boys, when they were younger\u2014just hitting each other\/complaining\u2014I felt like I was constantly breaking up these fights with them. I got them in a room one day; and I said, \u201cSon, tell your brother what\u2019s wrong; because you keep hitting him. What is really wrong? Tell him with your words and what you\u2019re <em>feeling<\/em>.\u201d They already know there are boundaries; you can\u2019t say: \u201cBecause you\u2019re dumb,\u201d \u201c\u2026you\u2019re stupid!\u201d \u201cSo tell him what\u2019s in your heart.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe said, \u201cI\u2019m just mad at you; I feel like you\u2019re always mean to me.\u201d I said, \u201cOkay; what do you mean? What has he done that makes you feel like that?\u201d I mean, he\u2019s like nine; and he said, \u201cYou\u2019re always making fun of me in front of all our friends,\u201d which I thought, \u201cWhoa! That\u2019s pretty deep, and that\u2019s good.\u201d Then he said, \u201cThat makes me feel like you don\u2019t like me, or you\u2019re embarrassed about me.\u201d Then I\u2019m like, \u201cOh, goodness! This is really good.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI say to the older son\u2014three years older\u2014\u201cWhat do you have to say about that?\u201d He said, \u201cI was\/I thought it was funny.\u201d The younger brother is crying, \u201cIt\u2019s not funny; it hurts my feelings.\u201d The older brother apologized; they hugged each other. I thought, \u201cMan, they have matured in being able to express themselves.\u201d It brought a broken relationship healing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was interesting\u2014just a few weeks ago, we were with those two adult sons; and they had another conversation very much like that one. Here are these sons, that are expressing their hearts\u2014what they\u2019re feeling\/their hurt with one another\u2014I thought, \u201cLook, they\u2019re still doing it; and it\u2019s remarkable.\u201d <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> That\u2019s a beautiful story; you don\u2019t always get those. There is plenty of stories you probably could tell, where\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> \u2014the one says this and the other one says, \u201cLike, yes; okay.\u201d But the cumulative impact of: \u201cLet me help you understand: \u2018This is the way God built the world, and this is the way God built you. This is your place in this world.\u2019\u201d You can\u2019t make up for that with a book; you can\u2019t make up with some kind of highly-compressed counseling session. What you did for years, and years, and years pays off. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; the thing I love that you\u2019re doing now, Bill\u2014and you do in your book\u2014is you keep reminding us to go back to: \u201cThis is the Father\/our heavenly Father with us and even with our kids.\u201d It\u2019s so easy to forget that, as a parent, especially in the chaos of the moment; and you keep taking us back there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s why I would say, \u201cGo get the book and read it. It\u2019s going to put you on the ground floor\/a foundation that helps you do it well.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The book is called <em>Parenting with Words of Grace: Building Relationships with Your Children One Conversation at a Time<\/em>. You can order William Smith\u2019s book on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to order: 1-800-FL-TODAY is our number. Again, the title of the book, <em>Parenting with Words of Grace<\/em>\u2014order online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call 1-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY,\u201d\u2014to order your copy of the book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd let me also encourage you, if you have not been through the FamilyLife <em>Art of Parenting<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> video series, make plans to get together with other parents. Maybe, after the first of the year, you can do this on Zoom; you can do it socially-distanced\u2014however it works for you\u2014but this series is so helpful for moms and dads to go through the eight sessions in the <em>Art of Parenting<\/em> and build a game plan\/a strategy for how you\u2019re going to raise your kids. Find out more about the <em>Art of Parenting<\/em> when you to our website at FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe talked about this a little earlier today; we\u2019re in the final three weeks of 2020. These are three significant weeks for us, here, at FamilyLife. We\u2019re asking every <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listener\u2014those of you who appreciate this program\/who benefit from hearing <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>\u2014we\u2019re asking you to make as generous a yearend contribution as you can make, and do it today if you can. We\u2019ve had some friends of the ministry, who have come to us; and they have offered to match every donation we receive this month, dollar for dollar, up to a total of $2 million. We\u2019re still a long way away from taking advantage of those matching funds; we\u2019d love to hear from you today. Whatever you do\u2014$50 becomes $100; $100 becomes $200. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhatever you are able to do, be as generous as you can be, knowing that\u2014not only will your donation be matched, dollar for dollar\u2014but know that we\u2019re going to send you a couple of thank-you gifts as well: my book, <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em>, which is all about what the Bible has to say in 1 Corinthians 13 about the kind of love that ought to characterize our marriage relationship; and we\u2019ll send you a thumb drive that includes more than 100 of the best <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> programs over the last 28 years\u2014the best of the best. Again, you can donate right now, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make a yearend donation. We\u2019re grateful for whatever you\u2019re able to do. We hope to hear from you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you can join us back tomorrow when we\u2019re going to talk about how we have, sometimes, hard but honest conversations with our children. There is a good way to do that, and we\u2019ll talk more about that tomorrow with William Smith. I hope you can be back with us for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. 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