{"id":306606,"date":"2020-12-09T07:00:06","date_gmt":"2020-12-09T12:00:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/parenting-doesnt-work-it-woos\/"},"modified":"2020-12-09T07:00:06","modified_gmt":"2020-12-09T12:00:06","slug":"parenting-doesnt-work-it-woos","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/parenting-doesnt-work-it-woos\/","title":{"rendered":"Parenting Doesn&#8217;t Work, It Woos"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>How can a parent raise their child to one day be their peer? Dave and Ann Wilson talk with William Smith, the author of Parenting With Words of Grace, on what it looks like to woo our kids.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2020-12-09.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:33:28","filesize":"30.64M","filesize_raw":"32127022","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2850,2806],"tags":[2209],"podcast_series":[8415],"cwp_profile":[9680],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306606","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-character-development","category-spiritual-development","tag-parenting","podcast_series-parenting-with-words-of-grace","cwp_profile-william-smith","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306606\/parenting-doesnt-work-it-woos","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306606\/parenting-doesnt-work-it-woos","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"yEZxqsH5wW\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/parenting-doesnt-work-it-woos\/\">Parenting Doesn&#8217;t Work, It Woos<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/parenting-doesnt-work-it-woos\/embed\/#?secret=yEZxqsH5wW\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Parenting Doesn&#8217;t Work, It Woos&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"yEZxqsH5wW\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"How can a parent raise their child to one day be their peer? Dave and Ann Wilson talk with William Smith, the author of Parenting With Words of Grace, on what it looks like to woo our kids.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2020-12-09.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It\u2019s easy for us to think that, when our workday is over, our work is over; but William Smith says our new job is just beginning when we get home from work.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> You have to put your primary shepherding care into your family; that\u2019s the foundation from which you shepherd the rest. And why do I know this?\u2014because I did it backwards. I was much better to an early ministry than I was to my wife at the time. I had to realize: \u201cWow! I\u2019m a peacemaker by day and a war-maker by night. That makes me a hypocrite, and that means something has to change.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, December 9<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. In the long run, it\u2019s the work we do at home with our spouse and with our kids that\u2019s going to matter most to us in life. We\u2019ll talk more about that today with William Smith. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Wednesday edition. I\u2019ve been thinking today about something I heard Dennis Rainey say over and over again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, this is going to be good!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It is good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We all love Dennis.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Because this was one of those things that I had to lock onto as a parent. I\u2019ll share that with our listeners here in just a minute; but David Robbins, the new president of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, who took over for Dennis a couple of years ago, is here with us to talk about the fact that the end of the year is coming. That\u2019s pretty important for us, here, at FamilyLife. I think a lot of people are cheering the fact that this year is almost over. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> 2020 has, no doubt, been pretty unpredictable, but there\u2019s been one thing at FamilyLife that has not been unpredictable; that is <em>your<\/em> faithful partnership that keeps ministry going at this time when families need it the most. In the year ahead, it\u2019s going to be more important than ever that we are reminding the world of what God has to say about marriages and families. There\u2019s an acute need, in this season, to impact and develop godly homes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo do this, we need your help. Would you stand with us in giving families help and hope that\u2019s anchored in biblical truth? This is an especially good time of year to donate, because we\u2019ve had some friends of the ministry come alongside us and offer to <em>double<\/em> every donation we receive. They\u2019re going to match it, dollar for dollar, up to $2 million. For us to take full advantage of that matching gift, we need every listener, who has benefitted from this program over the course of this year, to be as generous as you possibly can.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe want <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>continuing to be aired on this station. We invite you\/and really, I challenge you: \u201cWould you help us go into this new year, in a powerful way, to keep ministering to families on this station?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; and it\u2019s easy to make a yearend contribution. You can go online at FamilyLifeToday.com to donate, or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Not only will your donation be doubled\u2014matched dollar for dollar\u2014but we\u2019re going to send you a couple of thank-you gifts as well: a copy of my book, <em>Love Like You Mean It, <\/em>and a flash drive that has more than 100 of the best <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>programs from the last 28 years\u2014really, the best of the best. Those two resources are our gift to you when you make a yearend contribution, and we hope to hear from you. Again, donate online at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make a donation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, the thing I was telling you about that Dennis Rainey shared with me so many times\u2014he would often say that: \u201cA relationship with your children is like a bridge over which you can deliver a truckload of truth.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019ve heard him say that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But he said, \u201cWhen the bridge goes out, there\u2019s no truth getting across.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s a wise statement.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So if you want to interact with\/if you want to be able to share truth with your kids, you\u2019ve got to make sure the relationship is solid, and stable, and can bear the weight of the truth you\u2019re going to take.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You know, Ann and I did sort of a teenage parenting seminar a few years ago at our church.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes, for parents of teens?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014not teenage parents\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014but parents of teenagers. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Just clarifying.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And by the way, it sold out; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> They <em>all<\/em> want help! We\u2019re all like, \u201cOh, my goodness!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> They are desperate times.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Not that we know anything about it, but our kids are now no longer teens; so we can look back and say, \u201cHere\u2019s what you shouldn\u2019t do.\u201d But I think the thing we started with is: \u201cThe key to parenting teens is relationship, relationship, relationship.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> If that\u2019s gone, like Dennis said, the bridge is gone; and you can\u2019t transfer truth.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And here\u2019s the thing; it\u2019s easy to blow up the bridge.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Because \u201cLife and death are in the\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cthe power of the tongue.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cpower of the tongue\u201d; right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBill Smith is joining us on <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>Bill, welcome.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> Thanks, guys. It\u2019s great to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Bill is a pastor from South Jersey\/from the Philadelphia area. He is a counselor and has written a book that I think is going to help a lot of moms and dads know how to keep the bridge up. It\u2019s a book called <em>Parenting with Words of Grace<\/em>. This is a part of the thesis of your book; in fact, the subtitle of the book is <em>Building Relationships with Your Children One Conversation at a Time.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019ve seen, both as a parent and as a counselor, how important this relational stability is for all we do; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> I have; and relationship is the thing that everybody craves, I think. They want to build friendships with their kids, but I think we really struggle to know what that actually looks like. When I talk to people, I find people falling off on two ends of the continuum. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOn the one side: \u201cHow do you build a relationship?\u201d You do the great event\u2014so you have the vacation to end all vacations, or you go to this wonderful activity in the afternoon or take everybody out to dinner\u2014the expectation is: \u201cBecause we did all this really cool stuff together, that costs an awful lot of money, relationship just comes out of that.\u201d [Laughter] On the other end, are people, who are like, \u201cYes; I don\u2019t know. It just sort of does or doesn\u2019t happen; there\u2019s not a whole lot you can do about it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou go back to Scripture, and you realize: \u201cNo; relationships happen in these very mundane little moments of life: it\u2019s how you look at someone; it\u2019s whether or not you greet them; it\u2019s <em>how<\/em> you greet them; it\u2019s what you say to them.\u201d Conversation is just one of those things that\u2014throughout Scripture, Genesis to Revelation\u2014God is very interested in helping us understand what conversation looks like that actually has a prayer of building a relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s the doing chores; it\u2019s driving the kids to school; it\u2019s the dailyness of life. If we\u2019re there, and we\u2019re there together, relationship is forming in those moments. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> It really is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Your book is about communication\/about how it\u2019s essential to building and maintaining a strong relationship. In fact, you say that every conversation, between parents and children, there\u2019s an implied question in that conversation. What\u2019s that question?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> If I could back up, maybe, even before then\u2014in every conversation, I\u2019m always sharing what I value and what\u2019s important to me\u2014I can\u2019t <em>not <\/em>do that; \u201cOut of the heart, the mouth speaks.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So that\u2019s just coming out of us naturally; we\u2019re not even aware of that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> We\u2019re not, and it comes out when we say things; it comes out in what we <em>don\u2019t<\/em> say. But all of our expressions\u2014physically, whether that\u2019s verbal or otherwise\u2014always express what\u2019s most important to us. That\u2019s always true in a relationship: so when I\u2019m talking to you all right now, you\u2019re getting a sense of who I am as a person; when I\u2019m talking to my children, they get a sense of what I value.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn that expression of what I value, I\u2019m also saying: \u201cHere\u2019s where your place is in that; here\u2019s how I see you: \u2018In the image of God, with eternal glory; someone to be respected and honored,\u2019 <em>or <\/em>\u2018Chess piece on my board that I manipulate.\u2019\u201d Therefore, the question that you\u2019ve really asked is: \u201cHaving experienced me this way, would you like to have another conversation with me?\u201d or \u201cWhen you finally have enough autonomy, are you going to say, \u2018No, thanks; I\u2019ll find that somewhere else\u2019\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Boy, that is the question in <em>all<\/em> relationships, really. I mean, it\u2019s like: \u201cDo you want to say to your wife, \u2018You know, having experienced me as your husband, do you want to be married to me?\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And the same thing, obviously, with our kids; they\u2019re feeling the same thing toward us. It isn\u2019t just we\u2019re communicating who we are through our words; we are <em>receiving<\/em> who they are through their words.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I know, for me, as a dad, often I\u2019d be with them in the mundane; but I\u2019m not there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You know what I mean? I\u2019m physically in the car, driving or whatever, but my mind may be on work. I could literally be looking at my phone\u2014not while I\u2019m driving\u2014but you know, while I\u2019m with them, thinking, \u201cI\u2019m not fully present with them right now.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo have a relationship, you\u2019ve got to be fully present, not only expressing yourself through words, but really discerning and listening to <em>their<\/em> words. Talk about that a little bit more. How do we know if the person\u2014especially our kids\u2014wants to experience us the way we\u2019re presenting ourselves? Is there feedback for that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> That\u2019s a <em>great<\/em> question, because what\u2019s the ugly way of asking that question? The ugly way is, \u201cWhat can I do to guarantee that my kids are going to want to come back after they go to college?\u201d\u2014[Laughter]\u2014right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> And the sad answer is: \u201cThere is no guarantee; because they\u2019re an independent, autonomous human being. They have their own heart, and they have their own\u201d\u2014if you want to say it this way\u2014\u201ctheir own issues.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think the question more is: \u201cHow can I create a context in which they are more likely to want to interact with me? How can I speak in such a way that says, \u2018I care about you. I want to sacrifice myself for you. I don\u2019t want to brow-beat you, but I also won\u2019t allow that on the other end either. How can we have a mutual respect and interaction?\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It sounds like you\u2019re saying we need to be aware of the fact that we are either wooing or alienating our kids in how we interact with them. Part of me is going: \u201cNow, wait a sec. I\u2019m the parent; they\u2019re the kid. I\u2019m supposed to pander to their desires, and woo them, and romance them, and get them to want to come? They should just do that, because I\u2019m the parent!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> If I wanted to be nasty, then my response to that would be: \u201cThen don\u2019t pursue them any more than Christ pursues you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oooh, that\u2019s good!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, I like how you just put Bob right there\u2014[Laughter]\u2014boom!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> No one can see that I\u2019m smiling when I\u2019m saying that; [Laughter] but those are the questions that go right to my heart, because I often feel like that: \u201cI take care of you. I provide the home. I have sacrificed; I have laid down\u2014I drive an old car\u2014I don\u2019t have\u2026\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI had my son ask me one time\/he said, \u201cDaddy, why don\u2019t we have a truck?\u201d And I said, \u201cBecause we have you.\u201d [Laughter] I think I actually said, \u201cBecause we have kids.\u201d He looked at me and goes, \u201cWhat?!\u201d [Laughter] It\u2019s like, \u201cNever mind.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cSomeday you\u2019ll understand!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> Exactly!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> But what you\u2019re saying is: \u201cThis is always in the back of your mind in having conversations with your kids,\u201d which is amazing. You start out the book, going toe to toe with one of your sons.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Tell us about that; take us back there, because I\u2019m reading this like, \u201cWhere is this going to go?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; we\u2019ve been there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> I think it\u2019s normal; I think all of us are. Again, a young man standing in my living room, deciding he didn\u2019t really like what I was thinking or saying.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> How old was he?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> I always pick 12 or 13 when I don\u2019t know. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Old enough\u2014[Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Early teens; okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> Yes; again, at that point, where [he is] feeling comfortable enough to rebuke; or push back would probably be the better word. [Dad saying]: \u201cI don\u2019t like being challenged in my house; I don\u2019t like being challenged when you\u2019re wearing my clothes that I put on your back. [Laughter] Because I fed you, and you now have the energy\u2026\u201d\u2014all of those sort of\u2014\u201cYou want anger? I can match anger! You\u2019re not taller than I am yet.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut in that moment, the Holy Spirit is so helpful. The thoughts don\u2019t come, because I\u2019m smart or anything; there\u2019s that little sense of: \u201cBe very careful with what you say next.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> \u201cBecause you are at a point in this conversation where that will have bigger impact for longer than just the next half-hour.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, and those might be words you literally regret for decades.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> Yes; so I was asked a question a couple of years back: \u201cWhat do you wish you had known about parenting before you got started?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI wish I knew how important those small moments were. I wish I had been smart enough to understand, earlier, how much you can hurt\/how much you can help in those small moments. Again, I probably fell off on that side of the big-event kind of person. No; those small moments are really where relationship is built\u2014and it flourishes or it dies\u2014that would be one. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe opposite side of that is: I wish I\u2019d had someone help me understand the grace of God and the resurrection of Christ means there are countless number of times to try again and countless numbers of times to come back to your children and say, \u201cI am so sorry; please forgive me.\u201d To speak to the Father and to say, \u201cI cannot live in regret. What I did, I did. What is past is past, and now we\u2019re going to have to wrestle with the fallout; but that doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s hopeless. There\u2019s still hope. You rose from the dead; therefore, nothing has to remain the same.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI wish I had known those two things: how important those small moments are and how powerful the gospel really is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Is that what you mean by saying, \u201cParenting doesn\u2019t work; it woos\u201d? Because Bob used that term earlier; and I thought, \u201cBoy, that comes right out of your book.\u201d I\u2019ve never heard it said like that. Are you\u2014explain that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> Yes, that goes back to\u2014a lady at a seminar, who said\u2014\u201cOkay, I get that I\u2019ve not been gracious; but if I was more gracious at home, then my parenting work better.\u201d I thought, \u201cYou\u2019re looking for a guarantee. You\u2019re looking for: \u2018If I do A + B, then I always get C.\u2019\u201d That\u2019s <em>not<\/em> the way a human being works. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can <em>offer<\/em> people the opportunity of a relationship; you can\u2019t force them to take it. You don\u2019t have the key to someone else\u2019s heart. You can help them see that it would be attractive, that it would be beneficial, that it would be good for them; you have to pursue them. But in that pursuit, you\u2019re wooing them; you\u2019re saying, \u201cThis is actually a better world for you. Why don\u2019t you try it?\u201d It\u2019s an invitation rather than: \u201cI will force you to have this.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, and I\u2019ve found that I\u2019m a better woo-er outside my home than in my home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Why is that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, here we go! [Laughter] I\u2019m not even looking over there! She\u2019s just looking at me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, we\u2019ve talked about this many times\u2014like: \u201cWow! You walk in the church\/you walk out [of home] and you light up! You can be very warm and inviting to people. You walk in our home, and you can shut down and not woo your own children.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think a lot of wives can feel that about their husbands as dads.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> And again, not knowing you, and you don\u2019t really know me; but I think pastors\/we have that public place, where it\u2019s sort of the job. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is now going to be a counseling session. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, good!! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> I get the opportunity to mentor a bunch of young guys. I\u2019ve taken them back to \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t1 Timothy 3, which lays out the qualifications for an elder. We\u2019ve looked\/I\u2019ve said: \u201cMost of these are how you relate to your family. You <em>have to <\/em>put your primary shepherding care into your family; that\u2019s the foundation from which you shepherd the rest,\u201d and \u201cWhy do I know this?\u2014because I did it backwards. I was much better to an early ministry than I was to my wife at the time. I had to realize, \u2018Wow! I\u2019m a peacemaker by day and a war-maker by night.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Wow!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> \u201c\u2019That makes me a hypocrite, and that means something has to change.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMinistry doesn\u2019t end at six o\u2019clock; it <em>starts<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, one of the things that you said, Bill, was that parents should start by considering, at their most basic, who their children are: so \u201cWho are they?\u201d and \u201cHow do we discover who they are?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> This is one of those, again, strange places, where hey come from our bodies, generally\u2014or we adopt them into our homes\u2014we provide everything for them; we think they\u2019re ours\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> \u2014and they\u2019re not! That\u2019s always startling to people when I say it that way; I do that for the shock value. They\u2019re God\u2019s, first and foremost; they\u2019re on loan to us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you start to think about who they are supposed to become\u2014okay; so maybe they\u2019re 25, 30\/35 years behind us\u2014that seems really significant if you\u2019re 50. But if you actually believe\/your faith\u2014that you\u2019re not going to live 70, 80, or 90 years\u2014you\u2019re going to live 50,000 years\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> \u2014a 35-year head start is really nothing, 50,000 years from now. These are young people, who are growing up to be your peers. In fact\u2014you all have kids\u2014you see places where they\u2019ve surpassed you already; it didn\u2019t even take 50,000 years! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo what are you doing? You have the privilege of interacting with people, offering them the opportunity to have a friendship with you if they so desire. They\u2019re potential future peers; when I think of them that way, that changes the way that I actually interact with my kids. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There are two things about that\u2014and I agree with you\u2014one is we desperately want a relationship with them; because parental love, by God\u2019s design, is so compelling and so powerful. It\u2019s one thing to say, \u201cYou know, if you\u2019d like to have a relationship with me, we\u2019d be open to that,\u201d\u2014no!\u2014we\u2019re like, \u201cWe want to be with you! Our hearts are knitted together!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe other thing is\u2014I think there\u2019s part of us, saying, \u201cAnd if we don\u2019t have that relationship, I lose some validation; part of who I am is diminished. I need you to want to have that relationship with me, or else I\u2019ve failed; I\u2019m not who I\u2019m supposed to be.\u201d Just talk about what\u2019s going on in <em>us<\/em> when we hold out this invitation, <em>desperate<\/em> for them to say, \u201cOf course, I want to be with you!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> There is a depth of passion in our God to be with us. You have these pictures of Him almost pulling His hair out in the minor prophets\u2014that I absolutely love\u2014you know: \u201cIsrael, I can\u2019t stand that you\u2019ve been doing this; I\u2019m sending you away,\u201d \u201cOh, my heart turns within Me, and I have to have you.\u201d You know, you get this picture of someone yanking on His hair. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere is that longing and desire in us, that does not begin to approach His longing and desire, so think, \u201cOkay; within bounds, we should feel that passion.\u201d But it\u2019s passion to have a relationship that\u2019s not a co-dependent relationship, where I need you to like me so that I am a valid person; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> You never have the sense that God\u2019s going to be eternally unhappy because somebody has rejected Him\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> \u2014and we will now have the ability to ruin His eternal future.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> He is, in Himself, complete and satisfied; it\u2019s not dependent on your response. He says, \u201cI am passionate for this. If you reject it, I\u2019ll be sad; but I won\u2019t be less-than.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> \u201cI will not be ruined and destroyed.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> There is something, within the power of the community in the Trinity, that is fully independent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I would just add\u2014I mean, we started here with the value of the relationship. I underestimated, when I was a young dad\u2014and now an older dad with adult children, who are married with grandkids\u2014I underestimated how much I would appreciate and value our relationship, man to man\/adult to adult. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would say to the young parent, listening: \u201cMan, parent with words of grace; because you\u2019re building a relationship that\u2019s going to be one of the most special things in your life, 20 years from now.\u201d You know, I can look at my sons\u2014and we don\u2019t have this perfect relationship\u2014but they\u2019re my friends.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And they challenge me, man to man; and I can challenge them. It\u2019s <em>beautiful<\/em>, and it could have been lost if I made big mistakes in the formative years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would just say, \u201cBoy, cherish it!\u201d You know, the book title is <em>One Conversation at a Time. <\/em>Every conversation is significant\u2014the mundane ones\/the big ones\u2014they are building a relationship that you\u2019re going to cherish the whole rest of your life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And I would add this, Dave. I think the best conversation, too, that we can have is our relationship with our heavenly Father; because that\u2019s where it starts. When we understand\u2014His love for us; our role; how much He loves our kids; how He carries our burdens; how He\u2019s there with us, and for us, and for our kids\u2014that\u2019s that first conversation. For me, that starts at the beginning of the day, of saying, \u201cFather, I need You. Please help me in being able to love my kids and see them and say the things that You would say and see.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> What is the model?\u2014there is not a single one of us around this table, who had a perfect upbringing. Again, we don\u2019t all know each other\u2019s stories; but I know that. \u201cHow do we have a prayer of entering into our children\u2019s worlds?\u201d\u2014it\u2019s not because we were perfectly parented by human beings; it\u2019s that we have a perfect heavenly Father, who actively parents us, right now, nudging us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We have a prayer because we have prayer. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We have a prayer, because we have a relationship with God. As you said, Ann, \u201cThrough us, can flow to them His love.\u201d We experience it, and then it flows out to others. And we can learn how to do it <em>better<\/em> by reading books like the one you\u2019ve written, <em>Parenting with Words of Grace. <\/em>We\u2019ve got copies of William Smith\u2019s book available in our <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Resource Center. You can order the book, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to get a copy of William Smith\u2019s book. Again, it\u2019s called <em>Parenting with Words of Grace. <\/em>Order online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to get your copy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd if you have not gotten together with other parents yet, and gone through <em>The Art of Parenting<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>video series, think about the new year\u2014starting in January or February\u2014getting together, virtually or distanced, if we still need to be distancing\/probably will\u2014think about getting together in some way with other parents and going through <em>The Art of Parenting.<\/em> You can go online at FamliyLifeToday.com to find out how to get this eight-session video series that\u2019s all about parenting. Find it, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, as some of you heard David Robbins say, at the beginning of today\u2019s program, we\u2019re hoping to hear from <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>listeners over the next few weeks. This is a critical time for us as a ministry. We\u2019re trying to take full advantage of a $2 million-matching gift that\u2019s been made available to us. Your donations today will be matched, dollar for dollar, when you give. We\u2019re going to send you, as a thank-you gift, a copy of my book, <em>Love Like You Mean It; <\/em>and we\u2019ll send you a thumb drive\/a flash drive that has more than a hundred <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>programs from the past 28 years\u2014the best of the best! The book and the thumb drive are our thank-you gift when you make a donation today. You can do that at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. We appreciate you, and we hope to hear from you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we want to talk about how important it is for us to make sure we are communicating the biblical \u201cWhy\u201d behind our correction with our kids. They need to understand, not only that they\u2019re doing it wrong, but why God\u2019s way is the right way. We\u2019ll talk about that with William Smith tomorrow. I hope you can be with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. 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