{"id":306283,"date":"2020-07-24T07:00:05","date_gmt":"2020-07-24T11:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/consistency-is-key\/"},"modified":"2020-07-24T07:00:05","modified_gmt":"2020-07-24T11:00:05","slug":"consistency-is-key","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/consistency-is-key\/","title":{"rendered":"Consistency Is Key"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Pastor Sam Crabtree offers parents practical help for raising young children. Crabtree reminds parents that issues only get bigger as the kids get older, so they need to address issues as soon as they see them.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2020-07-24.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:24:52","filesize":"22.77M","filesize_raw":"23871282","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2841,2850,2852],"tags":[2987],"podcast_series":[8292],"cwp_profile":[3358],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306283","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-anger-and-rebellion","category-character-development","category-discipline","tag-disciplining-your-children","podcast_series-parenting-with-loving-correction","cwp_profile-sam-crabtree","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306283\/consistency-is-key","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306283\/consistency-is-key","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"xwItbel3pN\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/consistency-is-key\/\">Consistency Is Key<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/consistency-is-key\/embed\/#?secret=xwItbel3pN\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Consistency Is Key&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"xwItbel3pN\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Pastor Sam Crabtree offers parents practical help for raising young children. Crabtree reminds parents that issues only get bigger as the kids get older, so they need to address issues as soon as they see them.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2020-07-24.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, July 24<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I\u2019m Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. There is a positive, loving way for you to keep boundaries in place and to enforce rules, even if your kids don\u2019t like it at first. We\u2019ll talk today with Sam Crabtree about that. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. Did your kids\u2014did they see you as a mean mom? Were you a mean mom? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think they thought I was really fun. I\u2019m an adventurous mom; I do <em>crazy<\/em> things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> She was fun\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014really, really fun. She still is; I\u2019m not saying she isn\u2019t anymore. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> But I also made them toe the line, and it was <em>exhausting<\/em>. With three little boys, I was exhausted because you\u2019re\u2014sometimes, it felt like that\u2019s all you do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> But I think\u2014I think I had a combination. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> She was a good balance. She was\u2014one of Ann\u2019s real values in life is make a memory. I\u2019m telling you\u2014she made memories\/unbelievable memories. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, was Dave a mean dad? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> No. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> No; he was fun dad. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; he was fun dad. The kids in the neighborhood would want to come to our house to play with Dave. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> They\u2019d come to the front door, and I\u2019d get it; and [they\u2019d] go [speaking childishly], \u201cCan Mr. Wilson come out and play?\u201d [Laughter] I\u2019m not kidding. We\u2019d play capture the flag and a little whiffle ball in the front yard. I wanted to be\/we wanted our home to be the home\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014in the neighborhood where your kids wanted to be, because there was a lot of joy\/the joy of Jesus radiated. We wanted that to happen. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And laughter was important to us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat about you, Bob? Were you the fun dad? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> See, I was a camp counselor when I was in high school and then college. I thought that\u2019s what parenting was\u2014was just being an extended camp counselor. [Laughter] Honestly, that was my paradigm\u2014was just\u2014\u201cIf you can have fun with the kids, and have them all\/corral them all, and get them to go along and \u2018Hey, let\u2019s all go do this.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was much more like that; and Mary Ann would come along and say, \u201cNo; they need to be molded a little bit more. They need\u2014it\u2019s not just \u2018Let\u2019s all go have a party today,\u2019\u2014but there\u2019s\/we\u2019re actually raising real human beings.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I actually\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> As a dad, did you do table chants for table prayers? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Ooh, that\u2019s a good question. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We have a song. We did our\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, let\u2019s hear it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014we sang prayers. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, this is Sam Crabtree, who is joining us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Sam, welcome back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> Glad to be here. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Sam is an author. He has written a book called <em>Parenting with Loving Correction<\/em> that we\u2019re talking about. Sam is on the pastoral team of Bethlehem Baptist Church in Minneapolis. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, still today, when our kids come home for a holiday or something, and it comes time to pray, I\u2019ll go: \u201cOkay; [singing] for health and strength and daily food, we praise Thy name, O Lord. Amen.\u201d They\u2019ll join in and sing along. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014the whole family? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The grandkids will look at their parents, like, \u201cWhat is this all about?\u201d But yes; we would sing that little prayer. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think I\u2019m looking at you that way right now, Bob. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cFor health\u2014[Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Really, you guys still do it? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s fun. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We would sing that; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s really fun. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> [Singing] \u201cThe Lord\u2019s been good to me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam<\/strong> <strong>and<\/strong> <strong>Bob:<\/strong> [Singing] \u201cAnd so I thank the Lord for giving me the things I need: the sun, and the rain, and the apple seed. The Lord is good to me. Amen.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019d string out the \u201cAmen.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Sam, did you sing that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Sometimes, we\u2019d sing\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That was a camp song? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> That was a camp song. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019d sing \u201cDig in,\u201d sometimes instead of \u201cAmen\u201d; at the end of the prayer. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe reason we are talking about all of this is because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Wow; what just happened here in this studio? [Laughter] I\u2019ve never heard either one of those songs. Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Really?! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Have you, honey? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> No. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You can download the file, and you can memorize them and share them with others; okay? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I can try it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019re talking, this week, about correction and about discipline. Part of the reason we\u2019re talking about this is because I think there\u2019s an observation that there are parents, who are a little intimidated by the idea of correcting their kids. They don\u2019t want to be abusers in any way; they want to nurture their kids and want them to thrive. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey are concerned that correction is going to work <em>against<\/em> that nurturing and thriving\u2014that kids are somehow going to grow up angry, and frustrated, and even violent if their parents try to correct them\u2014so moms and dads just back off and let things go that some of us, in the older generation, look at and go, \u201cYou can\u2019t let that go.\u201d Do you know what I\u2019m talking about? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> Well said. We should be interviewing you, I think, here. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t write the book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, here is my question on that angle, Sam; because you\u2019re the expert. As a young dad with my first child, I had this idea that, if you set a boundary or a rule and then you enforce it, the child feels unloved. Yet, I discovered the <em>opposite<\/em> is true. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou talk about this in your book\u2014it\u2019s: \u201cNo; when you set the boundary and enforce it, it actually makes him feel loved.\u201d A lot of parents are afraid to do that; because they think, \u201cI want my son or daughter to feel so loved. If I really enforce this rule\/this boundary, they are not going to feel that.\u201d Talk about that because they do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> Yes; boundaries help. I taught sixth grade for seven years. We had a large playground adjacent to the school. Every once in a while, a stray kickball or something would go out into the street; and it was a significant hazard. The school district, then, wisely put up a chain link fence along the border of the property there between the playground and the street. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhereas, the children used to play some distance from that street; but a stray ball would get away from them. Now, they would lean up against that fence and have their little gossip sessions, or whatever they would do there; because the boundary was there\/wasn\u2019t going to move. They didn\u2019t have to fear the traffic, so I think the boundaries do provide safety. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> There were\/a couple of years ago, I did a talk to some high school kids. A 14-year-old girl came up to me, and she said, \u201cI feel like my mom\u201d\u2014her mom was raising her\u2014\u201cI feel like she doesn\u2019t love me.\u201d I said, \u201cWhat makes you think that?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe said, \u201cAll my friends have boundaries, rules, curfews.\u201d I said, \u201cAnd?\u201d She said: \u201cMy mom has no rules\/no curfew. I can be out whenever. I have never had a rule in my life. My mom is nice to me; but I feel like, \u2018Does she love me?\u2019\u201d I was so fascinated by that, because she felt so insecure by the lack of rules in her home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> Yes; my point here isn\u2019t to get parents to establish a bunch of rules if they don\u2019t have them or to tell parents which rules they should have\u2014like if you have a curfew: \u201cShould it be at this o\u2019clock or that o\u2019clock?\u201d\u2014or whatever it should be\u2014but my main interest is: \u201cOnce you\u2019ve set a rule, then, enforce that rule,\u201d for multiple reasons. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne is that, if you set rules that you don\u2019t enforce, the child can think: \u201cYou really don\u2019t care about those rules. They must not matter to you.\u201d Another is that you teach the children to disregard what you\u2019re saying\u2014and to take it one step further\u2014they even learn that your words don\u2019t mean anything. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> If you say, \u201cNow, get your pajamas on,\u201d and then they do everything <em>except<\/em> get their pajamas on, and there is no response from you, they just conclude\u2014and rightly so\u2014that when you\u2019ve mouthed the words, \u201cGet your pajamas on,\u201d you don\u2019t really mean that, <em>apparently<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe issues can escalate as they get older. If they\u2019ve learned, when they are small that: \u201cWell, your rules are just wishes. You hope I\u2019ll comply, but you don\u2019t really expect me to comply,\u201d and \u201cThere won\u2019t be any consequence if I don\u2019t,\u201d\u2014then, they throw your words right out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Enforcing that boundary or that fence is so important. I remember one time Ann and I were doing a parenting series at our church. I was trying to make the point that\u2014Sam, you do such a good job in your book of making the point that you\u2019ve got to set the fence\u2014I call it a fence\u2014or a boundary. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen here is the other thing: \u201cYou should expect your children to push on that fence. They\u2019re going to do it. We are sinners raising sinner-lings,\u201d\u2014[Laughter]\u2014you know? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> Well said. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Parents often are <em>surprised<\/em>; aren\u2019t they?\u2014like: \u201cI set the fence, and now they are pushing against it,\u201d\u2014like\u2014\u2018I don\u2019t want to go to bed at this time. I don\u2019t want to obey your rule.\u2019\u201d What do you do in that situation? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> Well, we: \u201cParents, it\u2019s good for us to know that parenting will take us to the limits of our endurance\/\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Wow. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> \u2014of our energy.\u201d Children, in general\u2014and specific children given to us in sequence\u2014will continue to test the limits of our endurance. They are gifts from God, really, to test our endurance. From infancy on, our children will test what we really mean. If we don\u2019t meet the test, then they won\u2019t either; they\u2019ll climb the walls because we haven\u2019t said, \u201cDon\u2019t climb the walls.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Weren\u2019t there times, though, when your kids would\u2014you\u2019d lay down something; and like you had a standard family rule like: \u201cLights out at 11 o\u2019clock,\u201d\u2014there\u2019s one night, and you\u2019re walking down; it\u2019s 11:15; you see a light on in a kid\u2019s room. You go knock on the\u2014\u201cWhat\u2019s going on? You know, lights out at 11.\u201d They go: \u201cYes; I was this, and this, and this.\u201d Did you immediately bring correction and a consequence, or were there some nights that you went, \u201cOkay; just turn off the lights, and we\u2019ll be done with it\u201d? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> I think it\u2019s important to listen first\u2014find out what\u2014were there extenuating circumstances? You have more flexibility in doing that if it\u2019s a lights-out in the bedroom kind of thing rather than, \u201cDon\u2019t go through red lights.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> But yes; I don\u2019t think you need to <em>rush<\/em> to judgment, but neither should we abandon consistency. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; when we were working on the <em>Art of Parenting<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> video series, I asked Pastor Kevin DeYoung\u2014I said, \u201cSo, when do you correct, and when do you give grace?\u201d He said, \u201cWell, that\u2019s a false dichotomy. When you\u2019re correcting, you\u2019re giving grace.\u201d I\u2019d not thought about that, because we think giving grace means let them off the hook; but it is a grace response to actually correct. God is being gracious to us when He corrects our wrong behavior; isn\u2019t He? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> Yes; I mean you posed it well at the outset when you talked about those who correct may feel like their children will think it\u2019s unloving. It is love\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> \u2014to do the correcting. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just think in the Christian church\u2014we\u2019ve not done well with the fallacy of the excluded middle\/the false dichotomy. There are lots of issues, where we think it\u2019s either this or that; and there are nuances where we can work out a creative solution. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> Same with discipling children; it doesn\u2019t mean either \u201cOne hundred percent compliance or we\u2019re going to drop the atomic bomb on your bedroom.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think, too, all of our kids are so different. We\u2019re going to correct in a different way with different children in their response. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> Know your children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Exactly; I think that\u2019s important. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAlso, I just want to say\u2014this culture, with the comparison with social media\u2014I think most listeners, probably as moms or dads, can feel overwhelmed and feel like, \u201cI am a bad parent.\u201d I think they judge themselves, and they are hard on themselves. Part of it is they don\u2019t have answers; but also, because there is so much comparison going around, that we don\u2019t think we are great at it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, also, parenting is different in the young years. Dave and I always said, \u201cLet\u2019s really set some boundaries with our kids from the time they are born to five. If we go hard then, it will get easier.\u201d I think that was really true in our case. Then parenting looked different as our kids got older. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHave you seen that, Sam? How do we correct when our kids are little? What does that look like? Does it change as they get older? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> Yes; it will change as the children get older. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen they are very, very small\u2014even newborns\u2014I wouldn\u2019t discipline a newborn. I\u2019d be <em>highly<\/em> leery of correcting a little one, flicking your finger at their hand or something. I don\u2019t think they could respond in an appropriate way than children, at six months or so\u2014they can start to arch their back in defiance like: \u201cI don\u2019t want you putting me on the table to change my diaper,\u201d\u2014or whatever the issue is. Then I think we start to correct. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI will say that there are some physical forms of correcting that can be used with younger children that go away as the children get older: partly because of the maturity; partly because they\u2019ve reached new cognitive levels, where you can reason with children as they are older; and partly, they work with smaller children because you\u2019re bigger than they are. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think that\u2019s a God-given thing for a season, that\u2014I\u2019m not even talking about spanking, per se, here\u2014though I\u2019d love to talk about that at some point. You can just pick them up and sit them there: \u201cI told you to get in your chair.\u201d\u2014they don\u2019t get in the chair; you can pick them up and put them in the chair. I mean, just simplify correction\u2014it\u2019s \u201cNo, not this\u201d; \u201cYes, this,\u201d and \u201cYes, now,\u201d and \u201cThank you,\u201d after they\u2019ve done it to show that you are\u2014not just\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014a dictator. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> \u2014Billy Goat Gruff, and you\u2019re just tough with them all the time\u2014but when they cooperate, you appreciate it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Break that down: \u201cNo,\u201d means \u201cThis behavior is not acceptable.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cNot this, what you are doing,\u201d\u2014you are explaining the specific behavior you are talking about. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cYes this,\u201d is saying, \u201cThis is what you should be doing.\u201d You\u2019re not just correcting; but you\u2019re saying, \u201cThis is what\u2019s right; this is the right way to act.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd \u201cYes now,\u201d means this is not something you do next time; we\u2019re expecting it right now. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, the \u201cThank you,\u201d is gratitude for the right response? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> Right; the gratitude is an important part. I don\u2019t think it\u2019s just a caboose that has become superfluous in our railroads\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> \u2014in our trains these days. The illustration could be that\u2014one of our daughters, one time, she was perhaps\u2014I don\u2019t know\u2014eight or ten years old; and she was talking to her mother in a particular tone that I found unacceptable. I just interrupted their conversation; and I said: \u201cI don\u2019t know if you\u2019re intending to be sassy to your mother right now, but the tone of voice that you are using seems to me like it could be. I just want you to know that, if you continue in that tone, I will count it as sassy. You\u2019ll be corrected; you\u2019ll be punished\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cfor it. Now, can you talk to your mother in a different tone?\u201d She did. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> \u201cThank you. Well done, dear daughter.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Let\u2019s do this. Let\u2019s help a mom and a dad, who have been listening to us this week. They\u2019re thinking: \u201cOkay, if I do a little self-evaluation, we probably let our kids get away with too much. We\u2019re probably not correcting as consistently or, maybe, as regularly as we ought. Maybe, we\u2019re fearful,\u201d or \u201cWe\u2019re tired,\u201d\u2014or whatever it is\u2014\u201cBut this is an area where we need to do better.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you are sitting down with somebody, who says, \u201cI am ready to make some course corrections\/some adjustments,\u201d what would be your best tips to that person on how to get started?\u2014especially if it\u2019s not been the way you\u2019ve been parenting over the last couple of years with your child. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> Well, bless their hearts. I have had parents of teenagers say, \u201cWe think we\u2019ve squandered a decade-plus with our children. Is it too late?\u201d First off, I just want to commend them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSecond: \u201cIs it too late?\u201d There could be tracks that have been laid down that will be pretty stubborn to relay those tracks in those lives or straighten those arrows that have bent a certain way; but it\u2019s <em>never<\/em> too late. I think it\u2019s <em>always<\/em> the right time to start meaning what you say and saying what you mean in terms of household regulations\u2014rules, policies, guidelines, practices\u2014whatever. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYour stewardship, as parents, is to God. Under God, you\u2019re raising these children; you are accountable to God for how you\u2019re raising your children. Under God\u2014with respect and in communion with Him and relating to God\u2014you want to run the household the way you think you should run the household. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re going to have to change some rules or household standards or something, it\u2019s okay to say to the children: \u201cWe\u2019re coming to a place, where we think we have not been doing right; and we\u2019re sorry. We apologize. We\u2019re discovering we should have probably been doing some things differently. We\u2019re asking for your forgiveness, and for your patience, and for your prayer; because we\u2019re going to make some changes. Here they are; here are the changes we are going to make.\u201d You lay it out: \u201cThis is, in all fairness\/full disclosure,\u201d\u2014family meeting or whatever\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cwe\u2019re going to change these things.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019ll have to go to work, maintaining those changes, to demonstrate that you mean what you are saying; but it is <em>always<\/em> the right time to act on what you\u2019ve come to discover\/what you\u2019ve come to know and believe is the right thing to do, and then start implementing it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> At that point, you\u2019ve explained what the new normal is going to be; and then it\u2019s important that you start living that out with some level of consistency; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> Major emphasis on consistency. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Consistency. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019ve even thought\u2014tell me what you think, Sam\u2014of Ephesians 6:4, where Paul writes, \u201cFathers don\u2019t exasperate your children but raise them in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.\u201d I\u2019ve often thought ways that we exasperate our children is we don\u2019t lovingly correct. We state things; we don\u2019t follow through. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cWhom the Lord loves\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cHe disciplines\u201d; right? Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; so we\u2019re that parent\u2014that\u2019s making grand statements or laying down boundaries\u2014and yet, not enforcing them. It\u2019s exasperating to a child; is that true? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> I think that and many other things. I think our children are born with hypocrisy antenna. [Laughter] I mean, one of the things that used to exasperate me about my dad\u2014there were seven of us children, and so nine at the dinner table\u2014and he would say, \u201cKetchup is not on the\u2014somebody get the ketchup,\u201d and so forth. I don\u2019t remember seeing my dad get the ketchup. It seemed like: \u201cThat\u2019s what you tell the kids to do\u201d rule; and that\u2019s not something that all human beings do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFrom that, I took away from being raised that way: \u201cI think I want to be different, in terms of raising my children; so that there are times when I will volunteer to say, \u2018I see that there is no butter on the table; let me get that for everyone.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You\u2019re just playing a servant\u2019s attitude kind of\u2014you\u2019re expecting <em>them<\/em> what you\u2019re doing yourself. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> Yes, to not exasperate\u2014I think that\u2019s your question. Inconsistency exasperates; double standards exasperate; failed promises exasperate. I mean, if you make promises, do everything in your power to keep them; <em>or<\/em> repent: \u201cThat was a bad promise to make. I shouldn\u2019t have made that promise. Please forgive me of making that promise. I can\u2019t fulfill that promise.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You mentioned that you\u2019d like to talk about corporal punishment a little bit. The challenge is we don\u2019t have time today to do that, so here is what we\u2019re going to do. We are going to have an extended conversation about that subject. It\u2019ll be available online; so if a listener wants to hear our conversation about corporal punishment, you can go to FamilyLifeToday.com and listen to that. We\u2019ve also got a section from the <em>Art of Parenting<\/em> video series on corporal punishment that I think would be helpful. You can watch that as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would just say\u2014wherever you are on that subject, whether you are including spanking as a part of what you are doing as a parent or you\u2019re not\u2014this would be worth listening to and worth watching the video just so you can kind of rethink the subject and decide what you think is right for you. All of that is at FamilyLifeToday.com. In addition, we\u2019ve got information about your book there as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSam, thank you for being here and for helping us and for getting practical with us on these issues. Let\u2019s hope there are moms and dads, who have been listening, who would say, \u201cI think we can make some adjustments here; and it\u2019ll be better for our kids if we do.\u201d Appreciate you being here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sam:<\/strong> It\u2019s a privilege. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> I appreciate your book as well. I hope our listeners will get a copy of the book. In fact, we\u2019re making it available this week to those who can help with a donation to the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, which you can do online at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to get a copy of Sam\u2019s book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got the president of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, David Robbins, with us. David, as we\u2019ve been talking with Sam this week, I had to think this whole topic of loving correction\u2014this has to hit home with where you and Meg are right now as you\u2019re raising your kids. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> We have an almost-teenager all the way down to a three-year-old. What makes it hit home even more is that I was just, this past weekend, with a group of guys that I\u2019ve journeyed a lot of life with; this was actually our 20<sup>th<\/sup> anniversary of getting together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Wow. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> We were sharing, like we always do, highlights and struggles of this past year and being really honest. All of us mentioned the climbing boiling-point frustration that we\u2019re experiencing, as parents, with kids. We have great kids; we <em>love<\/em> our kids, but the loving correction, where you get to that point, where you\u2019re going: \u201cThe things that used to work don\u2019t work,\u201d and \u201cWe\u2019ve got to change patterns and use different tactics.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt led to a discussion about how most of us, as parents, get lulled into using primarily two tools in our parenting toolbox when it comes to forming our kids: rewards and discipline. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> They are <em>great<\/em> tools, but both of them are reactive; they are not proactive. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere was one enormously helpful tool missing; and Bob, you mentioned it in the first episode\u2014the foundational groundwork of training\u2014it\u2019s loving to ensure that, in every season of our kids, we are adapting to keep teaching and giving context for our reactions\u2014that there is a proactive thing happening. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m so grateful for today. It\u2019s just sending me home with a renewed fervor to, not just parent reactively, but to be intentional and proactive. <br><br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Hopefully, you\u2019re not alone. Hopefully, a lot of moms and dads have that renewed sense in them.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, as I mentioned, we\u2019re making Sam\u2019s book available to FamilyLife listeners this week. If you can help with a donation of any amount, we\u2019d love to send you a copy of the book, <em>Parenting with Loving Correction<\/em>, as a thank-you gift for your support of the work of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur mission here is to effectively develop godly marriages and families. We believe godly marriages and families can change the world one home at a time. So, if you can help with a donation, be sure to request a copy of the book, <em>Parenting with Loving Correction<\/em>. You can donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Thanks, in advance, for your support of the ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd with that, we have to wrap things up for this week. Thanks for joining us. Hope you have a great weekend. I hope you and your family are able to worship together with your local church one way or another this weekend; and I hope you can join us back on Monday. We\u2019re going to talk about strategies for how to connect with your grandkids. Mary Larmoyeux is going to join us to talk about some <em>great<\/em> grandparenting strategies. I hope you can tune in for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back Monday for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. 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