{"id":306265,"date":"2020-07-17T07:00:05","date_gmt":"2020-07-17T11:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/communication-be-willing-to-go-there\/"},"modified":"2020-07-17T07:00:05","modified_gmt":"2020-07-17T11:00:05","slug":"communication-be-willing-to-go-there","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/communication-be-willing-to-go-there\/","title":{"rendered":"Communication: Be Willing to Go There"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If you want to connect with your teens, you have to be available. That&#8217;s the advice of author Jeffrey Dean. He gives parents some practical advice for effectively communicating with their kids.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2020-07-17.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:25:56","filesize":"23.75M","filesize_raw":"24903699","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2814,2806,2855],"tags":[6682],"podcast_series":[8373],"cwp_profile":[9636],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306265","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-releasing-your-child","category-spiritual-development","category-teens","tag-teen-challenges","podcast_series-raising-successful-teens","cwp_profile-jeffrey-dean","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306265\/communication-be-willing-to-go-there","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306265\/communication-be-willing-to-go-there","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"ZbH8MG334L\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/communication-be-willing-to-go-there\/\">Communication: Be Willing to Go There<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/communication-be-willing-to-go-there\/embed\/#?secret=ZbH8MG334L\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Communication: Be Willing to Go There&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"ZbH8MG334L\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2020-07-17.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2020-07-17.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> When conversations between parents and teenagers start to bog down, Jeffrey Dean says there is one tactic\/one technique parents can use that can sometimes break the logjam. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> Questions\u2014that great conversation starter of asking questions\u2014not questions that your kids can give a response with a \u201cYes\u201d or a \u201cNo\u201d answer\u2014but: \u201cWhat are they talking about in the locker room?\u201d or \u201cWhat\u2019s your greatest struggle?\u201d or \u201cWho do you want to be?\u201d or \u201cWhat\u2019s your favorite subject in school this year?\u201d The opportunities are limitless.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe ask a lot of questions at the dinner table in hopes of sparking conversation\u2014sometimes, controversial conversations\/sometimes, our kids don\u2019t want to go there\u2014but questions can be so empowering and show our kids: \u201cWell, Mom and Dad really do value my response. They value what I have to say.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, July 17<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I\u2019m Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. What do we do, as parents, when it feels like our kids are pulling away\/not listening to us anymore? We\u2019re going to talk about how we reconnect some of those broken bridges today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I\u2019m curious; if we were sitting with a group of teen parents\u2014let\u2019s just say we\u2019ve got a table, and there are ten couples sitting around; they are teen parents\u2014and they said: \u201cOkay; we just have a little bit of time. Give me your one best piece of advice as I take my kids through the teen years\u2014just the one thing.\u201d Would you know instantly what that one thing would be? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I know for me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019ve got yours? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. Do you have yours? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay; we\u2019ll start with you. I\u2019ll start\u2014yes; I\u2019ve got mine. What would you\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay; I guess I have a <em>few<\/em>. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Are we surprised?! [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, that\u2019s a <em>surprise<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So if you had to narrow it down to <em>one<\/em>, Ann? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> She is going to say the one in a multi-fraction answer. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> She\u2019s going to say, \u201cI would say this <em>and<\/em> this <em>and<\/em> this.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I would say, \u201cLive your faith and love them.\u201d [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cLive your faith and love them,\u201d\u2014we\u2019ve talked about this week\u2014what would you add to that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> My first thought was: \u201cRelationship, relationship, relationship.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s really about\u2014I mean, it\u2019s about teaching them and modeling for them; but at the end of the day, they want a relationship with mom and dad. That is going to be the bridge through which all the truth is passed on; if there is no relationship, you\u2019re going to have a hard time doing it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut if there is\u2014and I think it is on us, as parents, to pursue them for that relationship; because they are pulling away, which they should\u2014but we pursue them in a loving, great way; but man, don\u2019t miss that. You\u2019ve got to build a relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That was good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What\u2019s yours, Bob? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I was thinking about\u2014we\u2019ve talked about this this week\u2014modeling for our kids what it looks like to walk with Jesus; but\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s mine; you stole it! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014but here is what I missed when I was doing it. When I was raising my kids, I thought modeling what it looks like to follow Jesus means always modeling what it looks like <em>right<\/em>. What I didn\u2019t model well was how to handle it when you blow it. I mean, I didn\u2019t show my kids: \u201cYou know, Dad blew it. Here\u2019s what confession\/here\u2019s what repentance looks like.\u201d I think I may have presented a glossy picture with the bad parts hidden\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014the airbrushed picture\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014which can cause your kids to go, \u201cDad never stumbles; there must be something wrong with <em>me<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cbecause I never see Dad doing this.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But the truth is we have an expert in the studio with us today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We <em>do<\/em>?! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> He probably has a better answer than <em>all<\/em> of us. [Laughter] Welcome, Jeffrey Dean. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> Thank you for having me back. You guys are fun. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And why do we call you an expert?\u2014because you\u2019ve spoken to over four million people about this topic, raising teenagers\u2014parents\/kids. I mean, your book is just a great work on raising successful teens. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEvery parent is wondering that\/even kids are wondering, \u201cWhat does success look like?\u201d Answer Bob\u2019s question: \u201cWhat do you think is the most important thing for parents with teens?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And you can\u2019t pick any of the ones that we\u2019ve picked. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> Well, I was going to say, \u201cYou all did a <em>great<\/em> job.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Thank <em>you<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> I agree with all three. I would add to that\u2014maybe, the foundation of everything you said\u2014communication: that we realize our kids are listening; \u201cHow are we using that privilege?\u201d Tremendous responsibility; they are watching our lead: \u201cHow do we work at communicating effectively the things that we want to say?\u2014the things we don\u2019t know how to say, but we have to figure out how to say; because our kids are looking for answers.\u201d If they can\u2019t come to us, they will go somewhere. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is an important theme in your book, <em>Raising Successful Teens<\/em>. We often feel like, when our kids become teenagers, the communication lines get jammed like: they are not hearing us; they\u2019re not understanding us; they\u2019re\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014they\u2019re stuffing their fingers in their ears and saying, \u201cLeave me alone.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> How do we persist in effective communication with teens when it feels like it\u2019s all broken down? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> We realize exactly what you described will happen; and it will happen in a variety of ways and differently for each family. We ebb and flow that; we realize that how we communicated to them, when they were adolescent\/when they were in elementary school, is going to be different\/potentially, a lot different than in their middle and their high school years. We work to be effective communicators as the seasons change and as our students change. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m thinking, as my oldest\/youngest daughter rather, called me from home\u2014she\u2019s at home today, in Nashville, sick\u2014so we\u2019re talking about the Grammy\u2019s. We <em>love<\/em> music, and we\u2019re talking about artists that win from year to year. I\u2019m thinking how cool this is that my daughter wants to talk music with me; and she has a much greater knowledge of music, probably, than I; but what a great connection opportunity for <em>me<\/em> to engage in something that is important to <em>her<\/em>\/something that she finds value in, and just to be on her level for a few moments. I <em>love<\/em> that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>I think for every parent listening today: \u201cWhat is that thing your kid\u2019s into that he or she does or likes to do? Are you effectively living that out with them?\u201d If not, look for those moments\u2014even if they are small nuggets of opportunity\u2014just to talk about the things important to them. It shows them: \u201cMom and Dad are in it with me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Also, as you think about communication, makes me think this\u2014because I read somewhere, years ago\u2014research with teenagers said: \u201cThe number one complaint of teens about their parents is: \u201cMy parents don\u2019t listen. They don\u2019t really listen.\u201d You\u2019re talking about communication; that\u2019s two-way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> So good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You know, one, obviously, is us, as parents, trying to communicate; but talk about \u201cI\u2019m all ears.\u201d You put that in your book\u2014one of the commitments of a parent\u2014\u201cI\u2019m all ears,\u201d which is obviously, \u201cI\u2019m listening.\u201d It\u2019s obvious from your story about your daughter, she feels heard\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014even in this area about music. How does a parent really make a teenager feel heard? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> Countless ways we could unpack here. Let me give you one that\u2019s going to make sense to all of us because we all eat. Dinnertime can be connection time. Studies show us the average family has dinner together less than two nights a week. We\u2019re all busy; I get it. I\u2019ve got a 16- and 18-year-old living in home; they play three sports. They are involved in the student government. Sometimes, it\u2019s crazy to figure out: \u201cWhen are we going to eat?\u201d; but dinnertime can be that connection time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI talk about this in the book. We kind of have some rules in our home: \u201cNo TV; no phones; we pray before we eat; number four: no one leaves the table before they talk.\u201d It\u2019s been really empowering and fun. Again\u2014a 16-, now, and an 18-year-old living at home\u2014who still love point number four around the dinner table: \u201cI want to talk about my day.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe begin that early on in their lives. A parent listening today may say, \u201cWe\u2019ve never done that before.\u201d Well, pick it up where you are and go with it\u2014of allowing opportunity for your kids to talk. Because you are so right\u2014they <em>need<\/em> to hear from us\u2014but equally, we need to hear from <em>them<\/em>. We have learned <em>so much<\/em> about locker room talk, about the best friends of my daughters\/their families, who your kids sit next to in the cafeteria says a lot about where they are spiritually and where they are in life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe learn those things by just listening. Looking for moments, just for listening to your kids, you can learn so much. In return\u2014wow\u2014just tangible moments to help you in that communication process of know how to respond to what they say and to know how to feed them spiritually. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That was really a priority for Dave and me. It was <em>hard<\/em>, especially when you\u2019ve got kids all over the place in sports and extracurricular activities; so sometimes, we would eat dinner at 9 o\u2019clock, because it was the only time we could all be together. We\u2019d have a great snack and then we\u2019d eat together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCoach us on conversations; because I know, for me, that was fun. I would just throw out a topic: \u201cLet\u2019s talk about drinking tonight,\u201d when they were in high school. \u201cI know that this is going on; what are your thoughts?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> By the way, I\u2019d be over there, going, \u201cLet\u2019s <em>not<\/em> talk about drinking\u201d; you know. It was like, \u201cI don\u2019t even know if I want to go there tonight\u201d; but she was <em>always<\/em> pushing us there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I want to hear what they are thinking; I want to hear what their peers are saying. I would say that sometimes\u2014if it\u2019s tricky for them to say it\u2014\u201cWhat are your friends thinking about these topics?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> You\u2019ve given my answer. Questions\u2014that great conversation starter of asking questions\u2014not questions that your kids can give a response with a \u201cYes\u201d or a \u201cNo\u201d answer\u2014but questions as to: \u201cWhat are they talking about in the locker room?\u201d or \u201cWhat\u2019s your greatest struggle?\u201d or \u201cWho do you want to be?\u201d or \u201cWhat\u2019s your favorite subject in school this year?\u201d The opportunities are limitless.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut we ask a lot of questions at the dinner table in hopes of sparking conversation\u2014sometimes, controversial conversations\/sometimes, our kids don\u2019t want to go there\u2014but questions can be so empowering and can show our kids: \u201cWow, Mom and Dad really do value my response. They value what I have to say.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Is there a time and place where it\u2019s appropriate, age-wise, to share our own stories as parents of, maybe, our failures? Because that\u2019s always a risky thing\u2014like, \u201cIf I share my struggles, and some of the sin that I got into, will that make it seem okay for my kids to get into that?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> Oftentimes, in response to that topic of sex and dating\u2014\u201cOh, I don\u2019t want to go there; I\u2019m afraid of what they might ask. I don\u2019t want to bring up that topic, because I\u2019m not worthy; because I failed in my dating years,\u201d\u2014reminding every parent listening\u2014\u201cThis is so important that it\u2019s okay to show your kids you\u2019re vulnerable, and that you are imperfect, and to show them what you\u2019ve learned from those imperfections. Wow; the story of God\u2019s grace and forgiveness and the cross; and reminding our students that \u2018We haven\u2019t been perfect as humans; you aren\u2019t either; but we are still in this together.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> If your 12-year-old says, \u201cSo did you and Dad have sex before you got married?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> Wow. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Would you say to a parent, \u201cThey just threw a hardball; you hit it!\u201d? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> Yes; I would say, \u201cBe honest.\u201d It sometimes tough and awkward and may lead to another question; it may lead to a lot of questions\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> \u2014but answering honestly. Wow; what a difficult, but equally powerful, moment to show my kids: \u201cDad wasn\u2019t perfect, but he is still here. He is willing to talk about those imperfections with me.\u201d That could be just really messy for some families listening right now; but it equally could be that moment to bridge a lack of communication and trust in the home in a way that shows your kids that you\u2019re vulnerable\/ you\u2019re real\u2014God can heal all hurts\u2014and show the story of pain and forgiveness in your life, and how God has used that to help you be an even better person, and to grow your marriage and to help your kids potentially avoid some of those mis-steps along the way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I had a good friend that was really at that point, where her daughter was pressing in and wanting to know her past. My friend said: \u201cI don\u2019t know if I want to share that with her. I\u2019m afraid of what she\u2019ll think of me. I\u2019m afraid of what she will do with that knowledge.\u201d We had really prayed about it. She did\/she had that conversation; the mom cried, like, \u201cThis is what I did; I\u2019m not proud of it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLater, I talked to that daughter; and she said, \u201cI felt closer to my mom than I had ever felt in my life by my mom sharing, not only what she had done, but her remorse.\u201d I think that we forget that our kids <em>love<\/em> us to be vulnerable. They already know we\u2019re broken; they see it every day in us. To kind of be real\/authentic, and share that, I think it opens our kids up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Here is the fear parents have\u2014and you know this\u2014they are afraid: \u201cIf I say, \u2018Yes; I was sexually-active before I got married. Your father and I\/your mother and I were sexually-active before we got married,\u2019 that the kids are going to look at the situation and go, \u2018Well, it worked out okay for you guys. Therefore, I can go ahead on my date tonight and do what I want to do; because it\u2019s going\u2014I know you seem a little sad about it, and it might not be ideal\u2014but it\u2019s all going to work our okay anyway.\u2019\u201d How do we deal with <em>that<\/em> fear? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> Well, I think\u2014and you guys have been parents longer than I\u2014but I would\/my response would\u2014and I would say this: I can\u2019t parent based upon how I think my kids will respond to my parenting.\u201d There are going to be difficult moments. There are going to be conversations that might not end well and will lead to other conversations; but choosing to be honest is always the right way, even though it may not be the easiest way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I did one time try to articulate that, Bob; because I was like\/I was feeling exactly that: \u201cIf I say the truth\u2014that I was sexually-active\u201d\u2014they are going to think what Bob said\u2014\u201cWell, you\u2019re fine. Look, you\u2019re married to Mom; and everything is wonderful.\u201d Here is what came to me; and I don\u2019t know if this is the best way to explain it; but I was talking about two things: one was sexual temptation; the other was pornography. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember, when we found pornography on our home computer and realized it was one of our sons\u2014we had this conversation; he admitted that\u2014I broke into tears; because it was that day, you know, where, \u201cWow; my son has just stepped into a world\u201d\u2014and I broke into tears because it was the day I said to him\u2014\u201cI\u2019ve been down this road. I\u2019m in tears because you\u2019ve just opened Pandora\u2019s Box; this is going to be darkness. Son, I\u2019ve walked it; and now, we\u2019re going to walk this together.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe image that came to me about sexual\u2014or any sin, really\u2014is there is a fork in the road. One [fork] is purity\u2014let\u2019s say sexual temptation\u2014one is purity; one is impurity. What I think I was trying to articulate is: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m standing on the road of purity <em>now<\/em>. He\u2019s looking at me and saying, \u201cYou\u2019re okay\u201d; but what you can\u2019t see is there are scars and blood all under these clothes, because I\u2019ve been <em>so wounded<\/em>. It\u2019s all covered\/it\u2019s actually healed, because there is a Healer named Jesus. But I\u2019ve literally got my hand, saying, \u201cCome down this road. Don\u2019t go over there, because all of these scars come from that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s what I think has to be a part of that conversation: \u201cAs a parent, yes, I\u2019m going to be honest and tell you the truth; because I think you deserve that; but you also need to hear the <em>pain<\/em>\/the things <em>nobody<\/em> sees. You think I\u2019m all good. It\u2019s <em>not<\/em> what it appears; there has been some real pain in that.\u201d Do you agree? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> Absolutely agree. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s like: \u201cMan, they\u2019ve got to hear both sides.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> We\u2019ve talked about foundational principles this week that we used to write this book. Number five: \u201cYou\u2019ve got to be willing to go there.\u201d Going there doesn\u2019t always begin or may not even end in the way we want, but the willingness to go there is so empowering for our kids. We <em>have<\/em> to be willing to look past how, again, we think they are going to respond to what we have to say. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur kids seeing us as real\/seeing us as vulnerable\u2014and even realizing, \u201cDad..\u201d or \u201cMom blew it in this moment,\u201d\u2014we have <em>no<\/em> idea how the Holy Spirit can use our stories of marred past in a way that can build a foundation of success for our kids. The key to that\u2014and that\u2019s why we talk about this a lot in the book\u2014is getting the Word\/getting your family in the Word and allowing God\u2019s Word to build a foundation, of confidence and peace in your home, even in the midst of these very challenging conversations; because there is no one right perfect way to tackle these things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> But through God\u2019s Word <em>leading<\/em> us, it sure gives us assurance He\u2019s in it with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019re talking to enough parents to know that gender identity and gender confusion is one of the issues that parents are concerned about and that kids feel like, \u201cIf I\u2019m going to hold to a biblical worldview as it relates to gender identity and gender issues, I\u2019m going to be a pariah. I\u2019m going to be an outcast in my local school. People are going to think I\u2019m terrible.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019re raising two girls in the midst of this. What\u2019s your coaching for parents as we try to navigate this one? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> We have a chapter in the book where we just tackle top questions kids are asking. It\u2019s tough to navigate that, and I say in the book that choosing this stand biblically is <em>not<\/em> going to be easy. I think it\u2019s important that we prepare our kids for this and understanding that, when you choose to stand for what is right, there is going to be a push back. Helping our students understand that the world is not going to like your response, I think is a critical part of parenting. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEvery parent listening today: \u201cYou have a child, who probably knows someone who has embraced an alternative lifestyle.\u201d Challenging and encouraging\u2014and taking your kid\u2019s hand\/by the hand\u2014and helping them walk through this tangling season we\u2019re in is <em>not<\/em> easy, but we have to be willing to go there. Again, back to the Word and what God\u2019s Word says must be that foundation as we lead them in that conversation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And if our kids aren\u2019t agreeing with our biblical stance, and we\u2019re having that conversation at the dinner table, how do you respond to that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> I think\u2014well, whether it be gender identity or whether it be how you handle curfew\u2014of course, there are parents listening now, who have those conversations all the time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think it\u2019s important for Mom and Dad\u2014if it\u2019s a two-parent marriage\u2014to be on the same page, publically, even if you don\u2019t agree privately; and letting your kids see that you are in this together. I think there are moments\u2014we\u2019ve all been there, as parents, where a husband might say one thing, and Momma doesn\u2019t agree; or vice versa\u2014but letting our kids see that we\u2019re a united front, publically. Maybe, we have to have a conversation about that privately; but our kids need to see that unity. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think it is okay to tell our kids, \u201cWe might not have this all figured out; we might not know yet how to lead you.\u201d I think it is okay to be honest in that, and to be vulnerable, and to let that conversation be one that continues to unfold as long as, again, God\u2019s Word is leading and founding that conversation; that\u2019s so critical. We can\u2019t lead our kids in this [on our own]; I mean, we\u2019re challenged, at best, in leading them. It\u2019s impossible to lead them if God\u2019s Word is not leading us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> If mom and dad are on the same page; but your high school junior is saying, \u201cWell, but I\u2019m reading this other stuff online from Christians, who are saying, \u2018This is okay\u2019; and I hear what you guys are saying.\u201d They\u2019re not\/your kids aren\u2019t saying this; but in the back of their minds, they are thinking: \u201cBoy, it would sure be easier if I could go with what I\u2019m reading online than what I\u2019m reading with Mom and Dad. If I can still be a Christian, and still be gay-affirming, that\u2019s going to be a whole lot easier for me, as a kid, than if I\u2019ve got to say, \u2018I think homosexuality is wrong.\u2019 That\u2019s going to put me on the outs with everybody. I\u2019m just looking for somebody, who will make it easy for me to say this. I want to be able to tune you guys out, and still be a Christian, but still be gay-affirming.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019re watching this, as a parent; you\u2019re freaking out. Of course, you\u2019ve got to not have on your freak-out face\u2014parents have got to do all that in private\u2014but this is where moms and dads get really nervous. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey<\/strong>: Yes, they do; I\u2019m nervous as we sit here and talk about it. [Laughter] It\u2019s why we include, in the book, Foundational Principle Number Three\u2014that: \u201cNo matter what is culturally cool or accepted, God\u2019s Word is right, and truth, and absolute.\u201d We have to keep coming back to the Word, even though it isn\u2019t fun, and even though it is uncomfortable, and even though it may not end in a way that makes sense to our kids. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe stay that course with them, and we tell them, \u201cYou may not agree with where Mom and Dad land; but our hope for you, as we choose to take you\u201d\u2014as the subtitle of the book is <em>How to Help Your Child Honor God and Live Wisely<\/em>\u2014\u201cto live wisely first comes from honoring God; so back to the Word,\u201d\u2014back to the Word\/back to Word\u2014that\u2019s our key\/that\u2019s our starting point with our kids on these <em>very<\/em> difficult topics. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019ve got three points that you kind of wrap the book up with\/three things that parents need to kind of keep as a foundation to what they are talking about. Share with our listeners what those three things are. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> We bring parents through this journey, in the book, of talking about this variety of challenges and issues, spiritually and culturally. I\u2019m glad you brought us here, because we truly bring them to what really is the summary statement of the book. Number one: \u201cI\u2019m all in,\u201d\u2014reminding parents, listening today\u2014\u201cYour kids are counting on you; they are looking for you.\u201d That story I shared that just hearing my dad\u2019s voice\u2014\u201cAlright, son,\u201d\u2014just knowing that we\u2019ve got the \u201calright.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber two: \u201cI\u2019m all ears.\u201d Not only am I all ears to being attentive to all that\u2019s going on in the life of my kids, but I\u2019m listening to the voice of God\u2014and He\u2019s leading me because\u2014why?\u2014I\u2019m all His. I am never going to be the leader He desires of me\/that He created me to be if I am not, first, allowing <em>Him<\/em> to lead me as I lead my kids. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I now know what my next sermon is. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019ve got the outline; don\u2019t you? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I just got a vision from God. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> That\u2019s so good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> No; seriously, those three points apply to our walk with God, to how we parent, and how we live; I mean, they are powerful. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou say in the title of the last chapter, \u201c[All-in] Parents Never Give Up.\u201d I know there are some parents, who are losing hope, watching their teens. I\u2019ve been there; you just\/you think: \u201cThis isn\u2019t going to end well. They are <em>never<\/em> going to turn.\u201d And there is a God\u2014and it says [in the book]: \u201cBut God can do something, so don\u2019t give up. Get on your knees and pray, and start living out these principles from the book.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGet the book first, read it; then start living this out; and ask God to do a miracle. He is the God of resurrection. God never gives us permission to give up on our kids. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThank you for the book. Thanks for the conversation. Thanks for ministering to\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014<em>millions<\/em> of kids over the last\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014three-and-a-half decades. We are making your book available this week to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners who would like to get a copy. They can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, to request a copy; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. This is our thank-you gift to you when you support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> with a donation this week. <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is listener-supported. Your donations are what make this program possible for you and for others. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, this week, if you can help with a donation, you can request a copy of Jeffrey Dean\u2019s book, <em>Raising Successful Teens<\/em>. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com to donate, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY; make your donation over the phone. Thanks for your support of this ministry; thanks for your partnership with us here at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, we know, from talking with so many of you over the years\u2014that this conversation we\u2019ve had this week with Jeffrey Dean\u2014we\u2019re touching on things that are the things that matter most to us as parents. David Robbins, who is the president of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, is here with us today. Parents care about how our kids are doing spiritually\/how we\u2019re doing in discipling them. We want them to thrive, spiritually, as they enter into adulthood. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Yes; our prayer is Psalm 145 often. We may not know that that weighs heavily on our heart; but Psalm 145 says, \u201cOne generation will commend God\u2019s work to another generation.\u201d I love how Jeffrey coaches us that that happens through thousands of conversations with our kids over time, and with a lot of transparency and honesty, and dependency upon Jesus. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just want to take a moment to thank many of you, who are Legacy Partners with FamilyLife\u2014you who give monthly to help ministry, like <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, happen. In a very similar way, you enable us to coach families through thousands of conversations, over time, in every stage of life. Thanks for being a part of ensuring we are helping families, with a lot of transparency and honesty, and with a great dependency upon Jesus. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; we are grateful for those of you, who have faithfully supported this ministry for so many years; thank you for your partnership with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you have a great weekend. I hope you and your family are able to worship together\u2014one way or another\u2014with your local church this weekend. I hope you can join us back on Monday when we\u2019re going to talk about how couples, who experience conflict over money in marriage, they really need to understand that the issue is probably not money. There is a <em>deeper<\/em> issue there, and Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn will be here to talk us though that on Monday. I hope you can be with us for that as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back Monday for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:25:56"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["23.75M"],"filesize_raw":["24903699"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-306265.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-306265.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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you want to connect with your teens, you have to be available. That's the advice of author Jeffrey Dean. He gives parents some practical advice for effectively communicating with their kids.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2020-07-17.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> When conversations between parents and teenagers start to bog down, Jeffrey Dean says there is one tactic\/one technique parents can use that can sometimes break the logjam. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> Questions\u2014that great conversation starter of asking questions\u2014not questions that your kids can give a response with a \u201cYes\u201d or a \u201cNo\u201d answer\u2014but: \u201cWhat are they talking about in the locker room?\u201d or \u201cWhat\u2019s your greatest struggle?\u201d or \u201cWho do you want to be?\u201d or \u201cWhat\u2019s your favorite subject in school this year?\u201d The opportunities are limitless.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe ask a lot of questions at the dinner table in hopes of sparking conversation\u2014sometimes, controversial conversations\/sometimes, our kids don\u2019t want to go there\u2014but questions can be so empowering and show our kids: \u201cWell, Mom and Dad really do value my response. They value what I have to say.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, July 17<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I\u2019m Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. What do we do, as parents, when it feels like our kids are pulling away\/not listening to us anymore? We\u2019re going to talk about how we reconnect some of those broken bridges today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I\u2019m curious; if we were sitting with a group of teen parents\u2014let\u2019s just say we\u2019ve got a table, and there are ten couples sitting around; they are teen parents\u2014and they said: \u201cOkay; we just have a little bit of time. Give me your one best piece of advice as I take my kids through the teen years\u2014just the one thing.\u201d Would you know instantly what that one thing would be? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I know for me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019ve got yours? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. Do you have yours? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay; we\u2019ll start with you. I\u2019ll start\u2014yes; I\u2019ve got mine. What would you\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay; I guess I have a <em>few<\/em>. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Are we surprised?! [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, that\u2019s a <em>surprise<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So if you had to narrow it down to <em>one<\/em>, Ann? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> She is going to say the one in a multi-fraction answer. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> She\u2019s going to say, \u201cI would say this <em>and<\/em> this <em>and<\/em> this.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I would say, \u201cLive your faith and love them.\u201d [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cLive your faith and love them,\u201d\u2014we\u2019ve talked about this week\u2014what would you add to that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> My first thought was: \u201cRelationship, relationship, relationship.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s really about\u2014I mean, it\u2019s about teaching them and modeling for them; but at the end of the day, they want a relationship with mom and dad. That is going to be the bridge through which all the truth is passed on; if there is no relationship, you\u2019re going to have a hard time doing it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut if there is\u2014and I think it is on us, as parents, to pursue them for that relationship; because they are pulling away, which they should\u2014but we pursue them in a loving, great way; but man, don\u2019t miss that. You\u2019ve got to build a relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That was good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What\u2019s yours, Bob? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I was thinking about\u2014we\u2019ve talked about this this week\u2014modeling for our kids what it looks like to walk with Jesus; but\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s mine; you stole it! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014but here is what I missed when I was doing it. When I was raising my kids, I thought modeling what it looks like to follow Jesus means always modeling what it looks like <em>right<\/em>. What I didn\u2019t model well was how to handle it when you blow it. I mean, I didn\u2019t show my kids: \u201cYou know, Dad blew it. Here\u2019s what confession\/here\u2019s what repentance looks like.\u201d I think I may have presented a glossy picture with the bad parts hidden\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014the airbrushed picture\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014which can cause your kids to go, \u201cDad never stumbles; there must be something wrong with <em>me<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cbecause I never see Dad doing this.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But the truth is we have an expert in the studio with us today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We <em>do<\/em>?! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> He probably has a better answer than <em>all<\/em> of us. [Laughter] Welcome, Jeffrey Dean. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> Thank you for having me back. You guys are fun. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And why do we call you an expert?\u2014because you\u2019ve spoken to over four million people about this topic, raising teenagers\u2014parents\/kids. I mean, your book is just a great work on raising successful teens. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEvery parent is wondering that\/even kids are wondering, \u201cWhat does success look like?\u201d Answer Bob\u2019s question: \u201cWhat do you think is the most important thing for parents with teens?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And you can\u2019t pick any of the ones that we\u2019ve picked. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> Well, I was going to say, \u201cYou all did a <em>great<\/em> job.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Thank <em>you<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> I agree with all three. I would add to that\u2014maybe, the foundation of everything you said\u2014communication: that we realize our kids are listening; \u201cHow are we using that privilege?\u201d Tremendous responsibility; they are watching our lead: \u201cHow do we work at communicating effectively the things that we want to say?\u2014the things we don\u2019t know how to say, but we have to figure out how to say; because our kids are looking for answers.\u201d If they can\u2019t come to us, they will go somewhere. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is an important theme in your book, <em>Raising Successful Teens<\/em>. We often feel like, when our kids become teenagers, the communication lines get jammed like: they are not hearing us; they\u2019re not understanding us; they\u2019re\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014they\u2019re stuffing their fingers in their ears and saying, \u201cLeave me alone.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> How do we persist in effective communication with teens when it feels like it\u2019s all broken down? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> We realize exactly what you described will happen; and it will happen in a variety of ways and differently for each family. We ebb and flow that; we realize that how we communicated to them, when they were adolescent\/when they were in elementary school, is going to be different\/potentially, a lot different than in their middle and their high school years. We work to be effective communicators as the seasons change and as our students change. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m thinking, as my oldest\/youngest daughter rather, called me from home\u2014she\u2019s at home today, in Nashville, sick\u2014so we\u2019re talking about the Grammy\u2019s. We <em>love<\/em> music, and we\u2019re talking about artists that win from year to year. I\u2019m thinking how cool this is that my daughter wants to talk music with me; and she has a much greater knowledge of music, probably, than I; but what a great connection opportunity for <em>me<\/em> to engage in something that is important to <em>her<\/em>\/something that she finds value in, and just to be on her level for a few moments. I <em>love<\/em> that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>I think for every parent listening today: \u201cWhat is that thing your kid\u2019s into that he or she does or likes to do? Are you effectively living that out with them?\u201d If not, look for those moments\u2014even if they are small nuggets of opportunity\u2014just to talk about the things important to them. It shows them: \u201cMom and Dad are in it with me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Also, as you think about communication, makes me think this\u2014because I read somewhere, years ago\u2014research with teenagers said: \u201cThe number one complaint of teens about their parents is: \u201cMy parents don\u2019t listen. They don\u2019t really listen.\u201d You\u2019re talking about communication; that\u2019s two-way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> So good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You know, one, obviously, is us, as parents, trying to communicate; but talk about \u201cI\u2019m all ears.\u201d You put that in your book\u2014one of the commitments of a parent\u2014\u201cI\u2019m all ears,\u201d which is obviously, \u201cI\u2019m listening.\u201d It\u2019s obvious from your story about your daughter, she feels heard\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014even in this area about music. How does a parent really make a teenager feel heard? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> Countless ways we could unpack here. Let me give you one that\u2019s going to make sense to all of us because we all eat. Dinnertime can be connection time. Studies show us the average family has dinner together less than two nights a week. We\u2019re all busy; I get it. I\u2019ve got a 16- and 18-year-old living in home; they play three sports. They are involved in the student government. Sometimes, it\u2019s crazy to figure out: \u201cWhen are we going to eat?\u201d; but dinnertime can be that connection time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI talk about this in the book. We kind of have some rules in our home: \u201cNo TV; no phones; we pray before we eat; number four: no one leaves the table before they talk.\u201d It\u2019s been really empowering and fun. Again\u2014a 16-, now, and an 18-year-old living at home\u2014who still love point number four around the dinner table: \u201cI want to talk about my day.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe begin that early on in their lives. A parent listening today may say, \u201cWe\u2019ve never done that before.\u201d Well, pick it up where you are and go with it\u2014of allowing opportunity for your kids to talk. Because you are so right\u2014they <em>need<\/em> to hear from us\u2014but equally, we need to hear from <em>them<\/em>. We have learned <em>so much<\/em> about locker room talk, about the best friends of my daughters\/their families, who your kids sit next to in the cafeteria says a lot about where they are spiritually and where they are in life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe learn those things by just listening. Looking for moments, just for listening to your kids, you can learn so much. In return\u2014wow\u2014just tangible moments to help you in that communication process of know how to respond to what they say and to know how to feed them spiritually. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That was really a priority for Dave and me. It was <em>hard<\/em>, especially when you\u2019ve got kids all over the place in sports and extracurricular activities; so sometimes, we would eat dinner at 9 o\u2019clock, because it was the only time we could all be together. We\u2019d have a great snack and then we\u2019d eat together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCoach us on conversations; because I know, for me, that was fun. I would just throw out a topic: \u201cLet\u2019s talk about drinking tonight,\u201d when they were in high school. \u201cI know that this is going on; what are your thoughts?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> By the way, I\u2019d be over there, going, \u201cLet\u2019s <em>not<\/em> talk about drinking\u201d; you know. It was like, \u201cI don\u2019t even know if I want to go there tonight\u201d; but she was <em>always<\/em> pushing us there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I want to hear what they are thinking; I want to hear what their peers are saying. I would say that sometimes\u2014if it\u2019s tricky for them to say it\u2014\u201cWhat are your friends thinking about these topics?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> You\u2019ve given my answer. Questions\u2014that great conversation starter of asking questions\u2014not questions that your kids can give a response with a \u201cYes\u201d or a \u201cNo\u201d answer\u2014but questions as to: \u201cWhat are they talking about in the locker room?\u201d or \u201cWhat\u2019s your greatest struggle?\u201d or \u201cWho do you want to be?\u201d or \u201cWhat\u2019s your favorite subject in school this year?\u201d The opportunities are limitless.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut we ask a lot of questions at the dinner table in hopes of sparking conversation\u2014sometimes, controversial conversations\/sometimes, our kids don\u2019t want to go there\u2014but questions can be so empowering and can show our kids: \u201cWow, Mom and Dad really do value my response. They value what I have to say.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Is there a time and place where it\u2019s appropriate, age-wise, to share our own stories as parents of, maybe, our failures? Because that\u2019s always a risky thing\u2014like, \u201cIf I share my struggles, and some of the sin that I got into, will that make it seem okay for my kids to get into that?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> Oftentimes, in response to that topic of sex and dating\u2014\u201cOh, I don\u2019t want to go there; I\u2019m afraid of what they might ask. I don\u2019t want to bring up that topic, because I\u2019m not worthy; because I failed in my dating years,\u201d\u2014reminding every parent listening\u2014\u201cThis is so important that it\u2019s okay to show your kids you\u2019re vulnerable, and that you are imperfect, and to show them what you\u2019ve learned from those imperfections. Wow; the story of God\u2019s grace and forgiveness and the cross; and reminding our students that \u2018We haven\u2019t been perfect as humans; you aren\u2019t either; but we are still in this together.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> If your 12-year-old says, \u201cSo did you and Dad have sex before you got married?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> Wow. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Would you say to a parent, \u201cThey just threw a hardball; you hit it!\u201d? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> Yes; I would say, \u201cBe honest.\u201d It sometimes tough and awkward and may lead to another question; it may lead to a lot of questions\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> \u2014but answering honestly. Wow; what a difficult, but equally powerful, moment to show my kids: \u201cDad wasn\u2019t perfect, but he is still here. He is willing to talk about those imperfections with me.\u201d That could be just really messy for some families listening right now; but it equally could be that moment to bridge a lack of communication and trust in the home in a way that shows your kids that you\u2019re vulnerable\/ you\u2019re real\u2014God can heal all hurts\u2014and show the story of pain and forgiveness in your life, and how God has used that to help you be an even better person, and to grow your marriage and to help your kids potentially avoid some of those mis-steps along the way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I had a good friend that was really at that point, where her daughter was pressing in and wanting to know her past. My friend said: \u201cI don\u2019t know if I want to share that with her. I\u2019m afraid of what she\u2019ll think of me. I\u2019m afraid of what she will do with that knowledge.\u201d We had really prayed about it. She did\/she had that conversation; the mom cried, like, \u201cThis is what I did; I\u2019m not proud of it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLater, I talked to that daughter; and she said, \u201cI felt closer to my mom than I had ever felt in my life by my mom sharing, not only what she had done, but her remorse.\u201d I think that we forget that our kids <em>love<\/em> us to be vulnerable. They already know we\u2019re broken; they see it every day in us. To kind of be real\/authentic, and share that, I think it opens our kids up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Here is the fear parents have\u2014and you know this\u2014they are afraid: \u201cIf I say, \u2018Yes; I was sexually-active before I got married. Your father and I\/your mother and I were sexually-active before we got married,\u2019 that the kids are going to look at the situation and go, \u2018Well, it worked out okay for you guys. Therefore, I can go ahead on my date tonight and do what I want to do; because it\u2019s going\u2014I know you seem a little sad about it, and it might not be ideal\u2014but it\u2019s all going to work our okay anyway.\u2019\u201d How do we deal with <em>that<\/em> fear? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> Well, I think\u2014and you guys have been parents longer than I\u2014but I would\/my response would\u2014and I would say this: I can\u2019t parent based upon how I think my kids will respond to my parenting.\u201d There are going to be difficult moments. There are going to be conversations that might not end well and will lead to other conversations; but choosing to be honest is always the right way, even though it may not be the easiest way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I did one time try to articulate that, Bob; because I was like\/I was feeling exactly that: \u201cIf I say the truth\u2014that I was sexually-active\u201d\u2014they are going to think what Bob said\u2014\u201cWell, you\u2019re fine. Look, you\u2019re married to Mom; and everything is wonderful.\u201d Here is what came to me; and I don\u2019t know if this is the best way to explain it; but I was talking about two things: one was sexual temptation; the other was pornography. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember, when we found pornography on our home computer and realized it was one of our sons\u2014we had this conversation; he admitted that\u2014I broke into tears; because it was that day, you know, where, \u201cWow; my son has just stepped into a world\u201d\u2014and I broke into tears because it was the day I said to him\u2014\u201cI\u2019ve been down this road. I\u2019m in tears because you\u2019ve just opened Pandora\u2019s Box; this is going to be darkness. Son, I\u2019ve walked it; and now, we\u2019re going to walk this together.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe image that came to me about sexual\u2014or any sin, really\u2014is there is a fork in the road. One [fork] is purity\u2014let\u2019s say sexual temptation\u2014one is purity; one is impurity. What I think I was trying to articulate is: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m standing on the road of purity <em>now<\/em>. He\u2019s looking at me and saying, \u201cYou\u2019re okay\u201d; but what you can\u2019t see is there are scars and blood all under these clothes, because I\u2019ve been <em>so wounded<\/em>. It\u2019s all covered\/it\u2019s actually healed, because there is a Healer named Jesus. But I\u2019ve literally got my hand, saying, \u201cCome down this road. Don\u2019t go over there, because all of these scars come from that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s what I think has to be a part of that conversation: \u201cAs a parent, yes, I\u2019m going to be honest and tell you the truth; because I think you deserve that; but you also need to hear the <em>pain<\/em>\/the things <em>nobody<\/em> sees. You think I\u2019m all good. It\u2019s <em>not<\/em> what it appears; there has been some real pain in that.\u201d Do you agree? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> Absolutely agree. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s like: \u201cMan, they\u2019ve got to hear both sides.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> We\u2019ve talked about foundational principles this week that we used to write this book. Number five: \u201cYou\u2019ve got to be willing to go there.\u201d Going there doesn\u2019t always begin or may not even end in the way we want, but the willingness to go there is so empowering for our kids. We <em>have<\/em> to be willing to look past how, again, we think they are going to respond to what we have to say. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur kids seeing us as real\/seeing us as vulnerable\u2014and even realizing, \u201cDad..\u201d or \u201cMom blew it in this moment,\u201d\u2014we have <em>no<\/em> idea how the Holy Spirit can use our stories of marred past in a way that can build a foundation of success for our kids. The key to that\u2014and that\u2019s why we talk about this a lot in the book\u2014is getting the Word\/getting your family in the Word and allowing God\u2019s Word to build a foundation, of confidence and peace in your home, even in the midst of these very challenging conversations; because there is no one right perfect way to tackle these things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> But through God\u2019s Word <em>leading<\/em> us, it sure gives us assurance He\u2019s in it with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019re talking to enough parents to know that gender identity and gender confusion is one of the issues that parents are concerned about and that kids feel like, \u201cIf I\u2019m going to hold to a biblical worldview as it relates to gender identity and gender issues, I\u2019m going to be a pariah. I\u2019m going to be an outcast in my local school. People are going to think I\u2019m terrible.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019re raising two girls in the midst of this. What\u2019s your coaching for parents as we try to navigate this one? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> We have a chapter in the book where we just tackle top questions kids are asking. It\u2019s tough to navigate that, and I say in the book that choosing this stand biblically is <em>not<\/em> going to be easy. I think it\u2019s important that we prepare our kids for this and understanding that, when you choose to stand for what is right, there is going to be a push back. Helping our students understand that the world is not going to like your response, I think is a critical part of parenting. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEvery parent listening today: \u201cYou have a child, who probably knows someone who has embraced an alternative lifestyle.\u201d Challenging and encouraging\u2014and taking your kid\u2019s hand\/by the hand\u2014and helping them walk through this tangling season we\u2019re in is <em>not<\/em> easy, but we have to be willing to go there. Again, back to the Word and what God\u2019s Word says must be that foundation as we lead them in that conversation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And if our kids aren\u2019t agreeing with our biblical stance, and we\u2019re having that conversation at the dinner table, how do you respond to that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> I think\u2014well, whether it be gender identity or whether it be how you handle curfew\u2014of course, there are parents listening now, who have those conversations all the time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think it\u2019s important for Mom and Dad\u2014if it\u2019s a two-parent marriage\u2014to be on the same page, publically, even if you don\u2019t agree privately; and letting your kids see that you are in this together. I think there are moments\u2014we\u2019ve all been there, as parents, where a husband might say one thing, and Momma doesn\u2019t agree; or vice versa\u2014but letting our kids see that we\u2019re a united front, publically. Maybe, we have to have a conversation about that privately; but our kids need to see that unity. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think it is okay to tell our kids, \u201cWe might not have this all figured out; we might not know yet how to lead you.\u201d I think it is okay to be honest in that, and to be vulnerable, and to let that conversation be one that continues to unfold as long as, again, God\u2019s Word is leading and founding that conversation; that\u2019s so critical. We can\u2019t lead our kids in this [on our own]; I mean, we\u2019re challenged, at best, in leading them. It\u2019s impossible to lead them if God\u2019s Word is not leading us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> If mom and dad are on the same page; but your high school junior is saying, \u201cWell, but I\u2019m reading this other stuff online from Christians, who are saying, \u2018This is okay\u2019; and I hear what you guys are saying.\u201d They\u2019re not\/your kids aren\u2019t saying this; but in the back of their minds, they are thinking: \u201cBoy, it would sure be easier if I could go with what I\u2019m reading online than what I\u2019m reading with Mom and Dad. If I can still be a Christian, and still be gay-affirming, that\u2019s going to be a whole lot easier for me, as a kid, than if I\u2019ve got to say, \u2018I think homosexuality is wrong.\u2019 That\u2019s going to put me on the outs with everybody. I\u2019m just looking for somebody, who will make it easy for me to say this. I want to be able to tune you guys out, and still be a Christian, but still be gay-affirming.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019re watching this, as a parent; you\u2019re freaking out. Of course, you\u2019ve got to not have on your freak-out face\u2014parents have got to do all that in private\u2014but this is where moms and dads get really nervous. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey<\/strong>: Yes, they do; I\u2019m nervous as we sit here and talk about it. [Laughter] It\u2019s why we include, in the book, Foundational Principle Number Three\u2014that: \u201cNo matter what is culturally cool or accepted, God\u2019s Word is right, and truth, and absolute.\u201d We have to keep coming back to the Word, even though it isn\u2019t fun, and even though it is uncomfortable, and even though it may not end in a way that makes sense to our kids. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe stay that course with them, and we tell them, \u201cYou may not agree with where Mom and Dad land; but our hope for you, as we choose to take you\u201d\u2014as the subtitle of the book is <em>How to Help Your Child Honor God and Live Wisely<\/em>\u2014\u201cto live wisely first comes from honoring God; so back to the Word,\u201d\u2014back to the Word\/back to Word\u2014that\u2019s our key\/that\u2019s our starting point with our kids on these <em>very<\/em> difficult topics. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019ve got three points that you kind of wrap the book up with\/three things that parents need to kind of keep as a foundation to what they are talking about. Share with our listeners what those three things are. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> We bring parents through this journey, in the book, of talking about this variety of challenges and issues, spiritually and culturally. I\u2019m glad you brought us here, because we truly bring them to what really is the summary statement of the book. Number one: \u201cI\u2019m all in,\u201d\u2014reminding parents, listening today\u2014\u201cYour kids are counting on you; they are looking for you.\u201d That story I shared that just hearing my dad\u2019s voice\u2014\u201cAlright, son,\u201d\u2014just knowing that we\u2019ve got the \u201calright.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber two: \u201cI\u2019m all ears.\u201d Not only am I all ears to being attentive to all that\u2019s going on in the life of my kids, but I\u2019m listening to the voice of God\u2014and He\u2019s leading me because\u2014why?\u2014I\u2019m all His. I am never going to be the leader He desires of me\/that He created me to be if I am not, first, allowing <em>Him<\/em> to lead me as I lead my kids. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I now know what my next sermon is. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019ve got the outline; don\u2019t you? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I just got a vision from God. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> That\u2019s so good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> No; seriously, those three points apply to our walk with God, to how we parent, and how we live; I mean, they are powerful. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou say in the title of the last chapter, \u201c[All-in] Parents Never Give Up.\u201d I know there are some parents, who are losing hope, watching their teens. I\u2019ve been there; you just\/you think: \u201cThis isn\u2019t going to end well. They are <em>never<\/em> going to turn.\u201d And there is a God\u2014and it says [in the book]: \u201cBut God can do something, so don\u2019t give up. Get on your knees and pray, and start living out these principles from the book.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGet the book first, read it; then start living this out; and ask God to do a miracle. He is the God of resurrection. God never gives us permission to give up on our kids. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThank you for the book. Thanks for the conversation. Thanks for ministering to\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014<em>millions<\/em> of kids over the last\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeffrey:<\/strong> Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014three-and-a-half decades. We are making your book available this week to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners who would like to get a copy. They can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, to request a copy; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. This is our thank-you gift to you when you support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> with a donation this week. <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is listener-supported. Your donations are what make this program possible for you and for others. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, this week, if you can help with a donation, you can request a copy of Jeffrey Dean\u2019s book, <em>Raising Successful Teens<\/em>. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com to donate, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY; make your donation over the phone. Thanks for your support of this ministry; thanks for your partnership with us here at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, we know, from talking with so many of you over the years\u2014that this conversation we\u2019ve had this week with Jeffrey Dean\u2014we\u2019re touching on things that are the things that matter most to us as parents. David Robbins, who is the president of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, is here with us today. Parents care about how our kids are doing spiritually\/how we\u2019re doing in discipling them. We want them to thrive, spiritually, as they enter into adulthood. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Yes; our prayer is Psalm 145 often. We may not know that that weighs heavily on our heart; but Psalm 145 says, \u201cOne generation will commend God\u2019s work to another generation.\u201d I love how Jeffrey coaches us that that happens through thousands of conversations with our kids over time, and with a lot of transparency and honesty, and dependency upon Jesus. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just want to take a moment to thank many of you, who are Legacy Partners with FamilyLife\u2014you who give monthly to help ministry, like <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, happen. In a very similar way, you enable us to coach families through thousands of conversations, over time, in every stage of life. Thanks for being a part of ensuring we are helping families, with a lot of transparency and honesty, and with a great dependency upon Jesus. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; we are grateful for those of you, who have faithfully supported this ministry for so many years; thank you for your partnership with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you have a great weekend. I hope you and your family are able to worship together\u2014one way or another\u2014with your local church this weekend. I hope you can join us back on Monday when we\u2019re going to talk about how couples, who experience conflict over money in marriage, they really need to understand that the issue is probably not money. There is a <em>deeper<\/em> issue there, and Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn will be here to talk us though that on Monday. I hope you can be with us for that as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back Monday for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/306265","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=306265"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=306265"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=306265"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=306265"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=306265"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=306265"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=306265"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}