{"id":306254,"date":"2020-07-14T07:00:05","date_gmt":"2020-07-14T11:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/the-risk-of-rejection\/"},"modified":"2020-07-14T07:00:05","modified_gmt":"2020-07-14T11:00:05","slug":"the-risk-of-rejection","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-risk-of-rejection\/","title":{"rendered":"The Risk of Rejection"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Shelby Abbott talks about dating and why the important parts should not happen digitally\u00e2\u20ac&#8221;especially asking for a date. Shelby encourages parents to teach their daughters how a boy should treat them.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2020-07-14.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:05","filesize":"24.79M","filesize_raw":"25998072","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2817,2848,2814],"tags":[4018],"podcast_series":[8279],"cwp_profile":[3552],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306254","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-choosing-a-spouse","category-cultural-issues","category-releasing-your-child","tag-dating","podcast_series-i-am-a-tool","cwp_profile-shelby-abbott","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306254\/the-risk-of-rejection","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306254\/the-risk-of-rejection","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"u5aGAnbz7R\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-risk-of-rejection\/\">The Risk of Rejection<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-risk-of-rejection\/embed\/#?secret=u5aGAnbz7R\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;The Risk of Rejection&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"u5aGAnbz7R\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2020-07-14.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2020-07-14.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Among students today, the opportunities for texting and social media have made forming real, authentic human relationships a lot more complicated. Here\u2019s Shelby Abbott.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby: <\/strong>I always like to tell the students I talk to that social media, texting, and your phones should never be a substitute for relationships. They should be a <em>springboard<\/em> for relationships into something deeper. No matter how <em>weird<\/em> you might seem because you don\u2019t use your phone in the way other people do, people will eventually look at that and go, \u201cThere\u2019s just something remarkably attractive about that.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, July 14<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. I'm Bob Lepine. You\u2019ll find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. How can moms and dads and friends help high school- and college-aged students and young adults deal with the complexities of dating in the 21<sup>st<\/sup> century? We\u2019re going to talk more about that today. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. Mary Ann was telling me the other day about a college professor; one of her assignments to her freshmen is: \u201cYou have to have a date. In the next two weeks, you have to have a date. These are the rules: it has to be with one person only, so it\u2019s you and one other person. It has to last at least 90 minutes long. The initiation has to happen face to face. And it has to be with somebody that you have some sense of interest in.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe professor was going, \u201cThese kids lack this simple, basic skill that is going to be determinative for what the next four years of their life is going to look like. The kids are like, \u2018How do you\u2026? What do you do?\u2019\u201d They\u2019re going to the library to check out books like <em>I Am a Tool (To Help with Your Dating Life)<\/em> to figure out, \u201cHow do I do this?\u201d because they don\u2019t know how to ask a girl out on a date. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I tell you what\u2014I didn\u2019t either when I was growing up, but I had to figure it out. There was no social media. There was a phone that was plugged into the wall, with a long cord on it. [Laughter] I can remember some of the scariest moments of my life; which now, I know, were <em>great<\/em>, maturing moments, were dialing [dialing noise] and sweating, and making that request. That\u2019s a grow-up moment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Do you remember Dave asking you out?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. It was pretty fantastic, actually.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It was?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes! I can remember hearing his voice on the phone, thinking, \u201cWhat?! Dave Wilson is calling me?\u201d But he acted super cool, you know? I didn\u2019t know there were any nerves in the situation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So did he say, \u201cDo you want to get together and hang out?\u201d or\u2014do you remember?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t say, \u201c\u2026hang out.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What did you say? Do you remember?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I said, \u201cWould you like to go out on a <em>date<\/em>?\u201d That\u2019s what we called it back in the \u201860s. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We weren\u2019t in the \u201860s!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It was the \u201870s. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, it\u2019s interesting\u2014because I remember talking to our sons about this\u2014and talking to them about asking girls out on a then [at that time] date. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> They were right on that border of if it\u2019s called a date or \u201cAre you just hanging out?\u201d A lot of it was in groups. I remember Dave and I encouraging them, like, \u201cYou should call this girl and ask her out!\u201d And, you know, them being like, \u201cWhat are you <em>talking<\/em> about?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCody, our youngest son, called his now wife, Jenna, and asked her to go on a date. She was younger, but they had this date. They sat down and ate dinner at a restaurant\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014that I paid for. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, I think you did! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I do remember that; not anymore, but I did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Every time he was with her, he would open the car door; open the door for her. She went home\u2014we found this out later\u2014and her mom asked her, \u201cHey, how was your date with Cody Wilson?\u201d She said, \u201cHe was so <em>weird<\/em>, like he asked me on an actual date, and he kept opening doors for me.\u201d It felt really weird to her, because no one had ever done that with her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, we\u2019ve got Shelby Abbott joining us again on <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em> Shelby, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Thanks for having me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019ve heard stories like this over and over again. You\u2019ve been involved with Cru<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> for the last 20 years, working with high school- and college-aged students. You\u2019ve written a book about relationships\/about dating called <em>I Am a Tool (To Help with Your Dating Life). <\/em>The <em>I Am a Tool <\/em>is kind of like, you know, \u201cI can\u2019t really help you\u201d; but you can! This book is really helpful for young people who are like Cody Wilson was: \u201cWhat\u2019s a date? How do I do this?\u201d and then, girls who think that\u2019s weird when that happens.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Yes. I explain to college students all the time that the important parts of communication between the two of you should never happen digitally. They should happen face to face. If you\u2019re far apart from one another, the exception, I think, is video chatting of some kind or FaceTime<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. Whenever I say that kind of stuff, I say, \u201cI\u2019m not an idiot. I <em>know<\/em> what you all are thinking right now: \u2018Who in the world asks a girl out, face to face, these days? Who does that?\u2019 My answer is, \u2018Ideally, <em>you<\/em>!\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tInstead of succumbing to the cultural norms of passive, digital relational interaction, why not set a new standard by valuing character, and integrity, and honesty, and guts in a world that kind of devalues those admirable things in men? Like why wouldn\u2019t you stand out? Cody did that. She thought it was weird. She still married him though! Right? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s a good point! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> It was so <em>weird<\/em> that it was compelling. Because it can happen; it\u2019s just not an option for most guys.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You go back to the Dark Ages, when I was dating\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s the Dark Ages. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I remember having a crush on a girl who was a grade ahead of me in high school. I wanted to ask her out. I was petrified by the thought; the whole idea that I was going to ask her out and she might say, \u201cNo,\u201d or she might think I was weird. It was to the point where I had a friend who said, \u201cShe will go out with you if you ask her out.\u201d I was <em>still<\/em> scared to ask her out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What\u2019s going on with us that this fear of rejection or the fear of\u2014I don\u2019t know if it was rejection\u2014it was kind of like, \u201cThis is so awkward.\u201d What\u2019s at the core of all of that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> It\u2019s a level of vulnerability. In reality, that always existed, back when you were dating as well. It existed, and a lot of times, the padding that we would put in there would be talking through another friend.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> \u201cHey, can you go tell her that I like her and I want to take her out?\u201d And then it was like notes. \u201cHere\u2019s this note. Pass this note. Check, \u2018Yes,\u2019 or \u2018No,\u2019\u201d\u2014that kind of stuff. We always want to lean on that crutch of, \u201cWhere can we make it easier on us?\u201d because there\u2019s an element of vulnerability.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Now, that vulnerability that exists is padded through people\u2019s phones. It\u2019s <em>easier<\/em> to do that because it\u2019s so commonplace; because everybody has a phone. Opting for something else\u2014it\u2019s not an option for people, because nobody likes to be vulnerable. At least initially, when your heart is on the line, because you put yourself out there, and you admit, \u201cHey, I\u2019m interested in you; therefore, I am vulnerable; and you have the option to make this a good thing in my mind, or you have the option of destroying my heart.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes! The risk of rejection is just terrible; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> It\u2019s really, really terrifying. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019m about to find out if you are as interested in me as I am in you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And if I find out you\u2019re not, that\u2019s going to be pretty disappointing, and it\u2019s going to say, \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with me?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think that\u2019s what\u2019s kind of behind all of it, don\u2019t you think?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, yes! And I was thinking, as a preacher and a teacher, it\u2019s like you <em>want<\/em> feedback.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But you\u2019re afraid of it!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s the same thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> I did stand-up comedy for four years or so\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, I can\u2019t imagine!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Jerry Seinfeld would talk about how you\u2019re getting instant feedback every single joke you tell; so you\u2019re getting like, \u201cAh, that was okay,\u201d or \u201cYes, that was great!\u201d or \u201cNo, that was awful.\u201d You can refine your show, but you still put yourself out there, and you\u2019ve taken hits the entire time while you\u2019re up there. Some of them have been good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s kind of like golf, you know? You hit one good swing, and you think, \u201cI think I\u2019ll come back!\u201d One good joke, and you\u2019re like, \u201cI think I could do this again.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So if a college student is listening and hears us talking about this, and later today, she gets a text from a guy who is saying, \u201cHey, I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime,\u201d\u2014and she\u2019s thinking, \u201cI kind of would like to hang out with him,\u201d\u2014are you saying she ought to make him man up before she says yes to that? Or is it okay for her to just say, \u201cSure\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> I\u2019m hesitant to put down blanket rules for everyone and say that this is the absolute right way that you should do this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Because the Bible gives cues about how we are to go about living our lives; but the Bible has a whole lot of <em>nothing<\/em> to say about dating, because it\u2019s a cultural thing. But we could take principles\u2014biblical principles and biblical thinking\u2014to help us determine how we act today. The Proverbs are a great place to go for wisdom and how communication should happen. There are lots of great things we could apply in there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019d say, if a girl gets a text message from a guy, I would respond and say, \u201cHey, have the guts to come and talk to me face to face.\u201d If the guy doesn\u2019t, and he kind of ghosts you and tunes out, then you\u2019ve dodged a bullet; but if he has decided to come to you, and lean into the awkwardness and the social anxiety of it all, then you have a guy who is willing to learn, and grow, and be teachable. And he\u2019s willing to <em>fight<\/em> for you! Why is that a bad thing\u2014that he\u2019s willing to fight for you? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> I always tell college students; I say, \u201cWhen my daughters\u201d\u2014my daughters are almost eight and five right now, so I don\u2019t have to worry about this stuff right now\u2014but \u201cWhen the day comes when they start dating boys\u2014God help me\u2014if the boy that they\u2019re interested in doesn\u2019t have the guts to walk up to my front door, knock on my front door, shake my hand, and engage with me in a little chit-chat about the NFL and <em>Fast and Furious 14<\/em>, by then, he just doesn\u2019t get to take out my daughter.\u201d It\u2019s just as simple as that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Are you telling your daughters that now?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> No, because I don\u2019t want them to know about boys in that way right now. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I can see that!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> It\u2019s not important.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>But help us, as parents, who are listening: \u201cWhat\u2019s the strategy?\u201d How can we enter into this world?\u2014of teaching our kids to expect that kind of respect and admiration, and just even walking up to the door and ringing the doorbell, when our kids are like, \u201cMom, I am never going to expect this guy to do that!\u201d How, as parents, can we communicate that to our kids? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Yes; that\u2019s a <em>great<\/em> question and an important one. I\u2019m a little bit hesitant to answer, because I don\u2019t have kids who are of that age, so it\u2019s easy for me to say right now. Number one, I take both of my daughters out on dates now. I\u2019m starting that early. As quickly as possible, I want them to know how a woman should be treated when a guy takes them out. Now, we\u2019re going out for doughnuts, and we\u2019re doing roller skating, and that kind of thing. So it\u2019s no big deal right now; but I want them to expect a certain level of treatment from a guy, because they\u2019ve witnessed it in the way that their dad has treated them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I want to instill in my girls is that they would not <em>want<\/em> to settle for a guy who is not willing to engage with them the way that I did as they were growing up. Now, I know a lot of people are like, \u201cWell, it\u2019s too late for me now.\u201d I think there is grace in that, and God covers over the past mistakes. He just does! I think it\u2019s never too late to start treating your daughters in a way where they just see the bar raised in their life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think if we help our kids to understand that, number one, nobody will ever, ever, ever love them the way that Jesus loves them\u2014\u2014never, never! \u201cSo don\u2019t ever look for the satisfaction that only Jesus can give you in another human being,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s first and foremost. Preach the gospel to your kids, that they would not only hear it and experience it, but believe it in their hearts\/it would be their own thing; so that they see who Jesus is, and they compare every guy to Jesus first and then dad. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey look at that, and if it\u2019s a contrasting comparison there, then they go, \u201cNo, he\u2019s just not good enough,\u201d or they have the guts to say, \u201cIf you\u2019re not willing to come and meet my parents, then you\u2019re just not willing to, actually, fight for me in the way that I <em>need<\/em> you to fight for me.\u201d That sounds kind of serious, maybe, in high school; but like why not? Why not raise the bar in guys\u2019 lives?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> As a dad of daughters, what age are you going to let them date? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> My wife and I haven\u2019t talked about that too, too much. What has been in the back of my brain is 16. I think 16 is a good place to start, because it\u2019s in early high school. It\u2019s in a place where they\u2019re a little more mature; they can understand those kinds of things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think the more important question to ask is: \u201cWhen are we going to give our kids phones?\u201d That is a <em>deeper<\/em> question that I need to get into, because my oldest is in elementary school; she\u2019s in second grade. I will never forget, when she was in kindergarten, we went to a school function. There were these kids wandering around the hallways, who were K through 5. These fifth-grade girls are pulling out their phones and looking at stuff on their phones. I\u2019m like, \u201cFifth grade? They\u2019ve got phones already when they\u2019re in fifth grade?!\u201d\u2014and not just phones; like smartphones. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> They\u2019re watching YouTube; they\u2019re communicating with people; they\u2019re on Snapchat<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. Not to even get into all the predatorial stuff that happens out there on the internet, but do I really want my kids communicating through their phones that early?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, the Scriptures talk about, if your kids ask you for bread, you don\u2019t give them a snake or a scorpion. I think what they\u2019re asking for in a phone\u2014what they\u2019re really asking for is not a phone\u2014they\u2019re really asking for a deeper sense of communication and belonging; so don\u2019t give them something they\u2019re not asking for.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s the problem! If you don\u2019t give them that, you are cutting them out of the group. I mean, you\u2019re consigning to them social outcast status in the fifth grade.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> That\u2019s an interesting way of approaching stuff. I think that phones, in general, for emergency cases, and texting for that, might be a healthy way to go an end-around for stuff. But especially if you have boys out there\u2014and it\u2019s not just a boy issue, of course; it\u2019s for women as well\u2014pornography is streamed straight into your pocket if you have a smartphone. You can access it at any point in time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo I think there are some parameters you can put down. I don\u2019t think it has to be a complete, \u201cNo.\u201d It could be like, \u201cWe don\u2019t go into our rooms with our phones and scroll on it, all night long, before we fall asleep with it in our bed.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We have friends, whose high school daughter\/a follower of Christ\u2014they found out through social media\u2014wasn\u2019t it?\u2014that she was drunk at a high school football game. [They] confronted her: \u201cNo; that did not happen.\u201d A teacher said, \u201cI was there; it did happen.\u201d Guess what their punishment was? They say, \u201cWe\u2019re taking your phone away for a <em>year<\/em>.\u201d She went <em>bonkers<\/em>! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Yes, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> The year ended. She came on stage at our church and said, \u201cBest year of my life!\u201d<br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s one of the things: you have to be willing to go through the <em>pain<\/em>, initially, in order to experience the maturity. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat we need to realize, as older folks looking back is, when you say, \u201cI\u2019m going to take your phone away,\u201d it\u2019s essentially like saying to a Gen Z-er or a Millennial, \u201cI\u2019m cutting off your hand.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Because it\u2019s not just a thing that they use. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> We look at it as a tool that we use to communicate with the world\/to get work done. It\u2019s not that for them; it\u2019s an extension of themselves. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs messed up as all that is, and we\u2019re not going to get into the psychology of all that, we need to recognize that, when we are communicating with our kids, what we\u2019re saying, when we say, \u201cI\u2019m going to take your phone away,\u201d\u2014you\u2019re basically saying, \u201cI might as well just cut off both of your feet.\u201d Now, that\u2019s not true; we know that. The girl you just talked about is evidence of that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> They need to go through the <em>pain<\/em> in order to experience the way that they should rightly live. They will fight it, and fight it, and fight it, and fight it; but eventually, they will probably thank you for it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think it was harder on the parents <em>because of<\/em> the fight\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Oh, yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014the everyday fight.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Undoubtedly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yet, it was amazing to listen to her saying: \u201cThank you. Thank you for doing that; because I found Jesus, and I found true life.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I would just say to you, as a father of a five- and an eight-year-old\u2014when my kids were that age\u2014next time you\u2019re out on a date with your daughter, say to her, \u201cSomeday, you\u2019re going to be going out on dates with other people other than Daddy. Let me just tell you what that\u2019s going to look like when you get there. When you turn 16 or 17, and a young man wants to take you out, you\u2019re going to say to him, \u2018You need to talk to my daddy first.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You start drafting the script for them to understand: \u201cThis is what it\u2019s going to be,\u201d so that, when they get to be 15, or 16, or 17, and a young man asks them out, they\u2019ve been programmed: \u201cThis is how I\u2019m supposed to respond.\u201d They know that\u2019s normal and natural. They\u2019ll still kick against the goad, right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But they know: \u201cThis is not something new that Dad just invented because he\u2019s scared. He\u2019s been planning on this, and he loves me.\u201d I tell you\u2014when they\u2019re five, or seven, or eight\u2014and you say this to them, they <em>smile<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That is when you start.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> They <em>love<\/em> it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> They start to imagine that, and imagine some young man coming and talking to their dad. That idea <em>thrills<\/em> their heart. It won\u2019t be there when they\u2019re 16, but you plant it now. It\u2019s a great seed to plant.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We did that with our sons\u2014of talking about when they were younger\u2014\u201cWhen you want to date a girl,\u201d\u2014we called it that\u2014\u201cWhen you want to take a girl out, you\u2019ll need to talk to her dad.\u201d These guys were <em>petrified<\/em>!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You know, like, \u201cThis is the dumbest thing. I\u2019m not doing that.\u201d Yet, the girls that they married, they did ask their father\u2019s permission. It was interesting! The dads of the daughters were <em>shocked, <\/em>like, \u201cHe\u2019s not asking to marry you; he\u2019s asking to <em>date<\/em> you!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Which, right there, says so much; but also saying to our sons\u2014because I would date our sons as well, and that\u2019s where they got it\u2014when we would go to a restaurant, I said, \u201cYou should open the door for whomever you\u2019ll take out, and for your wife someday. That\u2019s just showing love and respect. It\u2019s showing that you care, and that you\u2019re protecting.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We were thinking it was showing what your book\u2019s all about\u2014it is a whole other vision. It\u2019s not the culture; it\u2019s <em>above<\/em> the culture. It\u2019s a vision of the way God wants you to date\u2014this divine encouraging that you talk about\u2014just a beautiful definition of dating that I don\u2019t think the culture\u2019s going to give them. We need to give them that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> A \u201cDivine Appointment to Encourage\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014I like that acrostic.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> \u201cD-A-T-E,\u201d yes. We have to consider this, too: \u201cSince when did Jesus ever promise a life of comfort and ease by following Him?\u201d He just didn\u2019t; He promised abundant life if we follow Him, but He didn\u2019t promise a life of comfort. We can identify with Christ in His sufferings when we suffer. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs a parent, when your teenage kids are making your life miserable, that\u2019s a form of suffering. [Laughter] In the end, what does it do? It\u2019s the birthplace of character and integrity. It\u2019s not going to be easy at all. It\u2019s never supposed to be easy, especially with a child whom you love, and whom you desire good things for; you want what\u2019s best for them. But they don\u2019t know what\u2019s best for them; they don\u2019t know. It\u2019s important that we stick to that and ask the Holy Spirit to give us guidance and grace in our failings.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You wrote this book for the young person, not for their parents.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> \u2014for the college student, right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, so should parents read it <em>first<\/em>? Should they just buy it and give it to their college student? Do you put it on their pillow at night and have it magically appear? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> That\u2019s, again, one of those things: \u201cI think you should read this,\u201d and they\u2019re like, \u201c<em>Never<\/em>; I\u2019m never going to read that.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The curse of death for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> I wouldn\u2019t mind if they read it beforehand; I\u2019ve got nothing to hide. I think that some parents might read this and go, \u201cThis guy is completely out of touch with reality.\u201d I\u2019m not, but again, it\u2019s a call to something different. It\u2019s a call to something; because the way that it\u2019s being done now is tragic, and it\u2019s injuring a lot of young people. Let\u2019s try to get on the solution side of things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Hopefully, they\u2019ll look at it the way you titled it; it\u2019s a tool to help them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Who doesn\u2019t want a tool, at the right time and the right purpose, to literally change their life? What a gift!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I would really encourage parents to fall on their knees and to beg God to care for, to instruct, and to guide their children; because God hears that prayer. He hears our anxiety and our angst as we\u2019re raising kids. We feel like\u2014so many times, I got on my knees and said: \u201cJesus, I don\u2019t know what\u2019s happening. I don\u2019t even know what I\u2019m doing! I need Your help.\u201d He promises to help us; He runs to us. We don\u2019t see the results of that immediately, sometimes; but He\u2019s always working. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So here\u2019s what I\u2019d do. I would <em>not <\/em>put it on their pillow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> No! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But I would order the book; and then when it came, I wouldn\u2019t say a word. I\u2019d just set it out somewhere, like on a coffee table or something. Just leave it there, and let your teenager\u2014because the cover, teenagers are going to pick it up and say, \u201cWhat\u2019s this?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right? \u201cWhere did this come from?\u201d \u201cI don\u2019t know. That came in the mail.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I would encourage parents to read it and then ask questions. \u201cHey, what do you think dating is today? What do you think it looks like for a guy to ask you out?\u201d\u2014or for a guy\u2014\u201cWould you ever ask a girl out?\u201d Instead of preaching to our kids, I think to ask those questions\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014it really is a great conversation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You read something in here and you go, \u201cHey, is this true?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I mean, that is great: \u201cI want to read this to you. Is this true?\u201d And just see how they respond to that, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd by the way, thank you for being with us and talking about this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Sure. Yes, my pleasure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Shelby Abbott has written the book, <em>I Am a Tool. <\/em>We\u2019ve got it in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can order it from us online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call to order: 1-800-FL-TODAY is our number. This is a great book to give to a high school- or college-aged student\u2014someone you know who is in the midst of the dating years\u2014maybe something you could interact with them about. Again, the title of the book is <em>I Am a Tool (To Help with Your Dating Life<\/em>). Order online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call to order: 1-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, in processing what we\u2019ve talked about today, I think all of us, as parents, would wish that our kids would have pain-free relationships; but that\u2019s probably not going to happen. David Robbins, the president of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> is here with us. It\u2019s just part of the reality of relationships\u2014that there\u2019s going to be conflict and pain.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Especially, sometimes, between kids and parents. I\u2019m listening to today, and I\u2019m kind of like, \u201cMaybe we should change \u2018FamilyLife\u2019s Parenting Resources\u2019 to \u2018Enter into Suffering.\u2019\u201d [Laughter] You know, I think Shelby may be on to something here; there is some suffering that comes from resisting what our kids want, when we know it isn\u2019t best for them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> It\u2019s not so easy when they\u2019re toddlers, and I have a toddler; but man, with my teen, it takes it to whole other levels. I know what\u2019s coming, because he\u2019s a young teen. Yet, I\u2019m challenged by today\u2019s conversation: \u201cAm I willing to suffer for my teen\u2019s good?\u201d by enduring their frustration with me, like when I\u2019m doing what Shelby talked about, and taking their phone away from them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe talked about, today, our kids needing to step up in relating to others with the ability of risk and vulnerability, and to not live lives that are padded. I think the same type of risk and vulnerability is needed by us, as parents, as we take steps of faith to really parent them well and to help shape their lives. We\u2019re going to have to lean in and allow God to use us in some risky ways that may seem vulnerable, and trust Him for things bigger than ourselves in order to form them into who He wants them to be formed into.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And know they\u2019re not always going to like your parenting, but you\u2019ve got to do what God\u2019s called you to as a parent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDavid: Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And not make <em>their<\/em> approval the benchmark for whether you\u2019re doing it well or not.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; thanks.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTomorrow, we want to talk about what moms and dads can do to help teenagers through the turbulent teen years, so they come out on the other side pointed in the right direction. Jeffrey Dean joins us to talk about that. I hope you can be with us as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:27:05"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["24.79M"],"filesize_raw":["25998072"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-306254.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-306254.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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Abbott talks about dating and why the important parts should not happen digitally\u00e2\u20ac\"especially asking for a date. Shelby encourages parents to teach their daughters how a boy should treat them.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2020-07-14.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Among students today, the opportunities for texting and social media have made forming real, authentic human relationships a lot more complicated. Here\u2019s Shelby Abbott.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby: <\/strong>I always like to tell the students I talk to that social media, texting, and your phones should never be a substitute for relationships. They should be a <em>springboard<\/em> for relationships into something deeper. No matter how <em>weird<\/em> you might seem because you don\u2019t use your phone in the way other people do, people will eventually look at that and go, \u201cThere\u2019s just something remarkably attractive about that.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, July 14<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. I'm Bob Lepine. You\u2019ll find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. How can moms and dads and friends help high school- and college-aged students and young adults deal with the complexities of dating in the 21<sup>st<\/sup> century? We\u2019re going to talk more about that today. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. Mary Ann was telling me the other day about a college professor; one of her assignments to her freshmen is: \u201cYou have to have a date. In the next two weeks, you have to have a date. These are the rules: it has to be with one person only, so it\u2019s you and one other person. It has to last at least 90 minutes long. The initiation has to happen face to face. And it has to be with somebody that you have some sense of interest in.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe professor was going, \u201cThese kids lack this simple, basic skill that is going to be determinative for what the next four years of their life is going to look like. The kids are like, \u2018How do you\u2026? What do you do?\u2019\u201d They\u2019re going to the library to check out books like <em>I Am a Tool (To Help with Your Dating Life)<\/em> to figure out, \u201cHow do I do this?\u201d because they don\u2019t know how to ask a girl out on a date. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I tell you what\u2014I didn\u2019t either when I was growing up, but I had to figure it out. There was no social media. There was a phone that was plugged into the wall, with a long cord on it. [Laughter] I can remember some of the scariest moments of my life; which now, I know, were <em>great<\/em>, maturing moments, were dialing [dialing noise] and sweating, and making that request. That\u2019s a grow-up moment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Do you remember Dave asking you out?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. It was pretty fantastic, actually.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It was?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes! I can remember hearing his voice on the phone, thinking, \u201cWhat?! Dave Wilson is calling me?\u201d But he acted super cool, you know? I didn\u2019t know there were any nerves in the situation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So did he say, \u201cDo you want to get together and hang out?\u201d or\u2014do you remember?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t say, \u201c\u2026hang out.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What did you say? Do you remember?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I said, \u201cWould you like to go out on a <em>date<\/em>?\u201d That\u2019s what we called it back in the \u201860s. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We weren\u2019t in the \u201860s!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It was the \u201870s. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, it\u2019s interesting\u2014because I remember talking to our sons about this\u2014and talking to them about asking girls out on a then [at that time] date. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> They were right on that border of if it\u2019s called a date or \u201cAre you just hanging out?\u201d A lot of it was in groups. I remember Dave and I encouraging them, like, \u201cYou should call this girl and ask her out!\u201d And, you know, them being like, \u201cWhat are you <em>talking<\/em> about?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCody, our youngest son, called his now wife, Jenna, and asked her to go on a date. She was younger, but they had this date. They sat down and ate dinner at a restaurant\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014that I paid for. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, I think you did! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I do remember that; not anymore, but I did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Every time he was with her, he would open the car door; open the door for her. She went home\u2014we found this out later\u2014and her mom asked her, \u201cHey, how was your date with Cody Wilson?\u201d She said, \u201cHe was so <em>weird<\/em>, like he asked me on an actual date, and he kept opening doors for me.\u201d It felt really weird to her, because no one had ever done that with her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, we\u2019ve got Shelby Abbott joining us again on <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em> Shelby, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Thanks for having me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019ve heard stories like this over and over again. You\u2019ve been involved with Cru<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> for the last 20 years, working with high school- and college-aged students. You\u2019ve written a book about relationships\/about dating called <em>I Am a Tool (To Help with Your Dating Life). <\/em>The <em>I Am a Tool <\/em>is kind of like, you know, \u201cI can\u2019t really help you\u201d; but you can! This book is really helpful for young people who are like Cody Wilson was: \u201cWhat\u2019s a date? How do I do this?\u201d and then, girls who think that\u2019s weird when that happens.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Yes. I explain to college students all the time that the important parts of communication between the two of you should never happen digitally. They should happen face to face. If you\u2019re far apart from one another, the exception, I think, is video chatting of some kind or FaceTime<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. Whenever I say that kind of stuff, I say, \u201cI\u2019m not an idiot. I <em>know<\/em> what you all are thinking right now: \u2018Who in the world asks a girl out, face to face, these days? Who does that?\u2019 My answer is, \u2018Ideally, <em>you<\/em>!\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tInstead of succumbing to the cultural norms of passive, digital relational interaction, why not set a new standard by valuing character, and integrity, and honesty, and guts in a world that kind of devalues those admirable things in men? Like why wouldn\u2019t you stand out? Cody did that. She thought it was weird. She still married him though! Right? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s a good point! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> It was so <em>weird<\/em> that it was compelling. Because it can happen; it\u2019s just not an option for most guys.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You go back to the Dark Ages, when I was dating\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s the Dark Ages. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I remember having a crush on a girl who was a grade ahead of me in high school. I wanted to ask her out. I was petrified by the thought; the whole idea that I was going to ask her out and she might say, \u201cNo,\u201d or she might think I was weird. It was to the point where I had a friend who said, \u201cShe will go out with you if you ask her out.\u201d I was <em>still<\/em> scared to ask her out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What\u2019s going on with us that this fear of rejection or the fear of\u2014I don\u2019t know if it was rejection\u2014it was kind of like, \u201cThis is so awkward.\u201d What\u2019s at the core of all of that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> It\u2019s a level of vulnerability. In reality, that always existed, back when you were dating as well. It existed, and a lot of times, the padding that we would put in there would be talking through another friend.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> \u201cHey, can you go tell her that I like her and I want to take her out?\u201d And then it was like notes. \u201cHere\u2019s this note. Pass this note. Check, \u2018Yes,\u2019 or \u2018No,\u2019\u201d\u2014that kind of stuff. We always want to lean on that crutch of, \u201cWhere can we make it easier on us?\u201d because there\u2019s an element of vulnerability.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Now, that vulnerability that exists is padded through people\u2019s phones. It\u2019s <em>easier<\/em> to do that because it\u2019s so commonplace; because everybody has a phone. Opting for something else\u2014it\u2019s not an option for people, because nobody likes to be vulnerable. At least initially, when your heart is on the line, because you put yourself out there, and you admit, \u201cHey, I\u2019m interested in you; therefore, I am vulnerable; and you have the option to make this a good thing in my mind, or you have the option of destroying my heart.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes! The risk of rejection is just terrible; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> It\u2019s really, really terrifying. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019m about to find out if you are as interested in me as I am in you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And if I find out you\u2019re not, that\u2019s going to be pretty disappointing, and it\u2019s going to say, \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with me?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think that\u2019s what\u2019s kind of behind all of it, don\u2019t you think?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, yes! And I was thinking, as a preacher and a teacher, it\u2019s like you <em>want<\/em> feedback.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But you\u2019re afraid of it!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s the same thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> I did stand-up comedy for four years or so\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, I can\u2019t imagine!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Jerry Seinfeld would talk about how you\u2019re getting instant feedback every single joke you tell; so you\u2019re getting like, \u201cAh, that was okay,\u201d or \u201cYes, that was great!\u201d or \u201cNo, that was awful.\u201d You can refine your show, but you still put yourself out there, and you\u2019ve taken hits the entire time while you\u2019re up there. Some of them have been good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s kind of like golf, you know? You hit one good swing, and you think, \u201cI think I\u2019ll come back!\u201d One good joke, and you\u2019re like, \u201cI think I could do this again.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So if a college student is listening and hears us talking about this, and later today, she gets a text from a guy who is saying, \u201cHey, I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime,\u201d\u2014and she\u2019s thinking, \u201cI kind of would like to hang out with him,\u201d\u2014are you saying she ought to make him man up before she says yes to that? Or is it okay for her to just say, \u201cSure\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> I\u2019m hesitant to put down blanket rules for everyone and say that this is the absolute right way that you should do this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Because the Bible gives cues about how we are to go about living our lives; but the Bible has a whole lot of <em>nothing<\/em> to say about dating, because it\u2019s a cultural thing. But we could take principles\u2014biblical principles and biblical thinking\u2014to help us determine how we act today. The Proverbs are a great place to go for wisdom and how communication should happen. There are lots of great things we could apply in there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019d say, if a girl gets a text message from a guy, I would respond and say, \u201cHey, have the guts to come and talk to me face to face.\u201d If the guy doesn\u2019t, and he kind of ghosts you and tunes out, then you\u2019ve dodged a bullet; but if he has decided to come to you, and lean into the awkwardness and the social anxiety of it all, then you have a guy who is willing to learn, and grow, and be teachable. And he\u2019s willing to <em>fight<\/em> for you! Why is that a bad thing\u2014that he\u2019s willing to fight for you? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> I always tell college students; I say, \u201cWhen my daughters\u201d\u2014my daughters are almost eight and five right now, so I don\u2019t have to worry about this stuff right now\u2014but \u201cWhen the day comes when they start dating boys\u2014God help me\u2014if the boy that they\u2019re interested in doesn\u2019t have the guts to walk up to my front door, knock on my front door, shake my hand, and engage with me in a little chit-chat about the NFL and <em>Fast and Furious 14<\/em>, by then, he just doesn\u2019t get to take out my daughter.\u201d It\u2019s just as simple as that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Are you telling your daughters that now?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> No, because I don\u2019t want them to know about boys in that way right now. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I can see that!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> It\u2019s not important.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>But help us, as parents, who are listening: \u201cWhat\u2019s the strategy?\u201d How can we enter into this world?\u2014of teaching our kids to expect that kind of respect and admiration, and just even walking up to the door and ringing the doorbell, when our kids are like, \u201cMom, I am never going to expect this guy to do that!\u201d How, as parents, can we communicate that to our kids? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Yes; that\u2019s a <em>great<\/em> question and an important one. I\u2019m a little bit hesitant to answer, because I don\u2019t have kids who are of that age, so it\u2019s easy for me to say right now. Number one, I take both of my daughters out on dates now. I\u2019m starting that early. As quickly as possible, I want them to know how a woman should be treated when a guy takes them out. Now, we\u2019re going out for doughnuts, and we\u2019re doing roller skating, and that kind of thing. So it\u2019s no big deal right now; but I want them to expect a certain level of treatment from a guy, because they\u2019ve witnessed it in the way that their dad has treated them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I want to instill in my girls is that they would not <em>want<\/em> to settle for a guy who is not willing to engage with them the way that I did as they were growing up. Now, I know a lot of people are like, \u201cWell, it\u2019s too late for me now.\u201d I think there is grace in that, and God covers over the past mistakes. He just does! I think it\u2019s never too late to start treating your daughters in a way where they just see the bar raised in their life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think if we help our kids to understand that, number one, nobody will ever, ever, ever love them the way that Jesus loves them\u2014\u2014never, never! \u201cSo don\u2019t ever look for the satisfaction that only Jesus can give you in another human being,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s first and foremost. Preach the gospel to your kids, that they would not only hear it and experience it, but believe it in their hearts\/it would be their own thing; so that they see who Jesus is, and they compare every guy to Jesus first and then dad. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey look at that, and if it\u2019s a contrasting comparison there, then they go, \u201cNo, he\u2019s just not good enough,\u201d or they have the guts to say, \u201cIf you\u2019re not willing to come and meet my parents, then you\u2019re just not willing to, actually, fight for me in the way that I <em>need<\/em> you to fight for me.\u201d That sounds kind of serious, maybe, in high school; but like why not? Why not raise the bar in guys\u2019 lives?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> As a dad of daughters, what age are you going to let them date? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> My wife and I haven\u2019t talked about that too, too much. What has been in the back of my brain is 16. I think 16 is a good place to start, because it\u2019s in early high school. It\u2019s in a place where they\u2019re a little more mature; they can understand those kinds of things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think the more important question to ask is: \u201cWhen are we going to give our kids phones?\u201d That is a <em>deeper<\/em> question that I need to get into, because my oldest is in elementary school; she\u2019s in second grade. I will never forget, when she was in kindergarten, we went to a school function. There were these kids wandering around the hallways, who were K through 5. These fifth-grade girls are pulling out their phones and looking at stuff on their phones. I\u2019m like, \u201cFifth grade? They\u2019ve got phones already when they\u2019re in fifth grade?!\u201d\u2014and not just phones; like smartphones. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> They\u2019re watching YouTube; they\u2019re communicating with people; they\u2019re on Snapchat<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. Not to even get into all the predatorial stuff that happens out there on the internet, but do I really want my kids communicating through their phones that early?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, the Scriptures talk about, if your kids ask you for bread, you don\u2019t give them a snake or a scorpion. I think what they\u2019re asking for in a phone\u2014what they\u2019re really asking for is not a phone\u2014they\u2019re really asking for a deeper sense of communication and belonging; so don\u2019t give them something they\u2019re not asking for.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s the problem! If you don\u2019t give them that, you are cutting them out of the group. I mean, you\u2019re consigning to them social outcast status in the fifth grade.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> That\u2019s an interesting way of approaching stuff. I think that phones, in general, for emergency cases, and texting for that, might be a healthy way to go an end-around for stuff. But especially if you have boys out there\u2014and it\u2019s not just a boy issue, of course; it\u2019s for women as well\u2014pornography is streamed straight into your pocket if you have a smartphone. You can access it at any point in time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo I think there are some parameters you can put down. I don\u2019t think it has to be a complete, \u201cNo.\u201d It could be like, \u201cWe don\u2019t go into our rooms with our phones and scroll on it, all night long, before we fall asleep with it in our bed.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We have friends, whose high school daughter\/a follower of Christ\u2014they found out through social media\u2014wasn\u2019t it?\u2014that she was drunk at a high school football game. [They] confronted her: \u201cNo; that did not happen.\u201d A teacher said, \u201cI was there; it did happen.\u201d Guess what their punishment was? They say, \u201cWe\u2019re taking your phone away for a <em>year<\/em>.\u201d She went <em>bonkers<\/em>! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Yes, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> The year ended. She came on stage at our church and said, \u201cBest year of my life!\u201d<br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s one of the things: you have to be willing to go through the <em>pain<\/em>, initially, in order to experience the maturity. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat we need to realize, as older folks looking back is, when you say, \u201cI\u2019m going to take your phone away,\u201d it\u2019s essentially like saying to a Gen Z-er or a Millennial, \u201cI\u2019m cutting off your hand.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Because it\u2019s not just a thing that they use. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> We look at it as a tool that we use to communicate with the world\/to get work done. It\u2019s not that for them; it\u2019s an extension of themselves. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs messed up as all that is, and we\u2019re not going to get into the psychology of all that, we need to recognize that, when we are communicating with our kids, what we\u2019re saying, when we say, \u201cI\u2019m going to take your phone away,\u201d\u2014you\u2019re basically saying, \u201cI might as well just cut off both of your feet.\u201d Now, that\u2019s not true; we know that. The girl you just talked about is evidence of that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> They need to go through the <em>pain<\/em> in order to experience the way that they should rightly live. They will fight it, and fight it, and fight it, and fight it; but eventually, they will probably thank you for it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think it was harder on the parents <em>because of<\/em> the fight\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Oh, yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014the everyday fight.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Undoubtedly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yet, it was amazing to listen to her saying: \u201cThank you. Thank you for doing that; because I found Jesus, and I found true life.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I would just say to you, as a father of a five- and an eight-year-old\u2014when my kids were that age\u2014next time you\u2019re out on a date with your daughter, say to her, \u201cSomeday, you\u2019re going to be going out on dates with other people other than Daddy. Let me just tell you what that\u2019s going to look like when you get there. When you turn 16 or 17, and a young man wants to take you out, you\u2019re going to say to him, \u2018You need to talk to my daddy first.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You start drafting the script for them to understand: \u201cThis is what it\u2019s going to be,\u201d so that, when they get to be 15, or 16, or 17, and a young man asks them out, they\u2019ve been programmed: \u201cThis is how I\u2019m supposed to respond.\u201d They know that\u2019s normal and natural. They\u2019ll still kick against the goad, right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But they know: \u201cThis is not something new that Dad just invented because he\u2019s scared. He\u2019s been planning on this, and he loves me.\u201d I tell you\u2014when they\u2019re five, or seven, or eight\u2014and you say this to them, they <em>smile<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That is when you start.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> They <em>love<\/em> it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> They start to imagine that, and imagine some young man coming and talking to their dad. That idea <em>thrills<\/em> their heart. It won\u2019t be there when they\u2019re 16, but you plant it now. It\u2019s a great seed to plant.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We did that with our sons\u2014of talking about when they were younger\u2014\u201cWhen you want to date a girl,\u201d\u2014we called it that\u2014\u201cWhen you want to take a girl out, you\u2019ll need to talk to her dad.\u201d These guys were <em>petrified<\/em>!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You know, like, \u201cThis is the dumbest thing. I\u2019m not doing that.\u201d Yet, the girls that they married, they did ask their father\u2019s permission. It was interesting! The dads of the daughters were <em>shocked, <\/em>like, \u201cHe\u2019s not asking to marry you; he\u2019s asking to <em>date<\/em> you!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Which, right there, says so much; but also saying to our sons\u2014because I would date our sons as well, and that\u2019s where they got it\u2014when we would go to a restaurant, I said, \u201cYou should open the door for whomever you\u2019ll take out, and for your wife someday. That\u2019s just showing love and respect. It\u2019s showing that you care, and that you\u2019re protecting.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We were thinking it was showing what your book\u2019s all about\u2014it is a whole other vision. It\u2019s not the culture; it\u2019s <em>above<\/em> the culture. It\u2019s a vision of the way God wants you to date\u2014this divine encouraging that you talk about\u2014just a beautiful definition of dating that I don\u2019t think the culture\u2019s going to give them. We need to give them that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> A \u201cDivine Appointment to Encourage\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014I like that acrostic.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> \u201cD-A-T-E,\u201d yes. We have to consider this, too: \u201cSince when did Jesus ever promise a life of comfort and ease by following Him?\u201d He just didn\u2019t; He promised abundant life if we follow Him, but He didn\u2019t promise a life of comfort. We can identify with Christ in His sufferings when we suffer. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs a parent, when your teenage kids are making your life miserable, that\u2019s a form of suffering. [Laughter] In the end, what does it do? It\u2019s the birthplace of character and integrity. It\u2019s not going to be easy at all. It\u2019s never supposed to be easy, especially with a child whom you love, and whom you desire good things for; you want what\u2019s best for them. But they don\u2019t know what\u2019s best for them; they don\u2019t know. It\u2019s important that we stick to that and ask the Holy Spirit to give us guidance and grace in our failings.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You wrote this book for the young person, not for their parents.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> \u2014for the college student, right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, so should parents read it <em>first<\/em>? Should they just buy it and give it to their college student? Do you put it on their pillow at night and have it magically appear? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> That\u2019s, again, one of those things: \u201cI think you should read this,\u201d and they\u2019re like, \u201c<em>Never<\/em>; I\u2019m never going to read that.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The curse of death for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> I wouldn\u2019t mind if they read it beforehand; I\u2019ve got nothing to hide. I think that some parents might read this and go, \u201cThis guy is completely out of touch with reality.\u201d I\u2019m not, but again, it\u2019s a call to something different. It\u2019s a call to something; because the way that it\u2019s being done now is tragic, and it\u2019s injuring a lot of young people. Let\u2019s try to get on the solution side of things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Hopefully, they\u2019ll look at it the way you titled it; it\u2019s a tool to help them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Who doesn\u2019t want a tool, at the right time and the right purpose, to literally change their life? What a gift!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I would really encourage parents to fall on their knees and to beg God to care for, to instruct, and to guide their children; because God hears that prayer. He hears our anxiety and our angst as we\u2019re raising kids. We feel like\u2014so many times, I got on my knees and said: \u201cJesus, I don\u2019t know what\u2019s happening. I don\u2019t even know what I\u2019m doing! I need Your help.\u201d He promises to help us; He runs to us. We don\u2019t see the results of that immediately, sometimes; but He\u2019s always working. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So here\u2019s what I\u2019d do. I would <em>not <\/em>put it on their pillow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> No! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But I would order the book; and then when it came, I wouldn\u2019t say a word. I\u2019d just set it out somewhere, like on a coffee table or something. Just leave it there, and let your teenager\u2014because the cover, teenagers are going to pick it up and say, \u201cWhat\u2019s this?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right? \u201cWhere did this come from?\u201d \u201cI don\u2019t know. That came in the mail.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I would encourage parents to read it and then ask questions. \u201cHey, what do you think dating is today? What do you think it looks like for a guy to ask you out?\u201d\u2014or for a guy\u2014\u201cWould you ever ask a girl out?\u201d Instead of preaching to our kids, I think to ask those questions\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014it really is a great conversation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You read something in here and you go, \u201cHey, is this true?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I mean, that is great: \u201cI want to read this to you. Is this true?\u201d And just see how they respond to that, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd by the way, thank you for being with us and talking about this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> Sure. Yes, my pleasure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Shelby Abbott has written the book, <em>I Am a Tool. <\/em>We\u2019ve got it in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can order it from us online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call to order: 1-800-FL-TODAY is our number. This is a great book to give to a high school- or college-aged student\u2014someone you know who is in the midst of the dating years\u2014maybe something you could interact with them about. Again, the title of the book is <em>I Am a Tool (To Help with Your Dating Life<\/em>). Order online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call to order: 1-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, in processing what we\u2019ve talked about today, I think all of us, as parents, would wish that our kids would have pain-free relationships; but that\u2019s probably not going to happen. David Robbins, the president of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> is here with us. It\u2019s just part of the reality of relationships\u2014that there\u2019s going to be conflict and pain.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Especially, sometimes, between kids and parents. I\u2019m listening to today, and I\u2019m kind of like, \u201cMaybe we should change \u2018FamilyLife\u2019s Parenting Resources\u2019 to \u2018Enter into Suffering.\u2019\u201d [Laughter] You know, I think Shelby may be on to something here; there is some suffering that comes from resisting what our kids want, when we know it isn\u2019t best for them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> It\u2019s not so easy when they\u2019re toddlers, and I have a toddler; but man, with my teen, it takes it to whole other levels. I know what\u2019s coming, because he\u2019s a young teen. Yet, I\u2019m challenged by today\u2019s conversation: \u201cAm I willing to suffer for my teen\u2019s good?\u201d by enduring their frustration with me, like when I\u2019m doing what Shelby talked about, and taking their phone away from them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe talked about, today, our kids needing to step up in relating to others with the ability of risk and vulnerability, and to not live lives that are padded. I think the same type of risk and vulnerability is needed by us, as parents, as we take steps of faith to really parent them well and to help shape their lives. We\u2019re going to have to lean in and allow God to use us in some risky ways that may seem vulnerable, and trust Him for things bigger than ourselves in order to form them into who He wants them to be formed into.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And know they\u2019re not always going to like your parenting, but you\u2019ve got to do what God\u2019s called you to as a parent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDavid: Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And not make <em>their<\/em> approval the benchmark for whether you\u2019re doing it well or not.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; thanks.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTomorrow, we want to talk about what moms and dads can do to help teenagers through the turbulent teen years, so they come out on the other side pointed in the right direction. Jeffrey Dean joins us to talk about that. I hope you can be with us as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. 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