{"id":306218,"date":"2020-06-30T07:00:05","date_gmt":"2020-06-30T11:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/press-through-the-struggle\/"},"modified":"2020-06-30T07:00:05","modified_gmt":"2020-06-30T11:00:05","slug":"press-through-the-struggle","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/press-through-the-struggle\/","title":{"rendered":"Press Through the Struggle"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Ron Deal explains that marriage, while typically a two-person dance, gets complicated as couples try to manage all the lives around them. He encourages couples to hold onto God&#8217;s hand and never give up.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2020-06-30.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:28:08","filesize":"25.76M","filesize_raw":"27013850","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2882,10371,2937],"tags":[4188],"podcast_series":[8371],"cwp_profile":[3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306218","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-developing-a-relationship-with-stepchildren","category-parenting-and-stepparenting","category-staying-married","tag-stepfamily","podcast_series-the-smart-stepfamily-in-2020","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306218\/press-through-the-struggle","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306218\/press-through-the-struggle","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"LdO8gTrSd0\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/press-through-the-struggle\/\">Press Through the Struggle<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/press-through-the-struggle\/embed\/#?secret=LdO8gTrSd0\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Press Through the Struggle&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"LdO8gTrSd0\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2020-06-30.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2020-06-30.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Whenever he is talking to stepdads in blended families, Ron Deal says there is one question that most of them are still trying to answer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>\u201cWho am I in this family? I don\u2019t know what my role is as stepdad to these kids. I\u2019m trying to bond with them; I\u2019m trying to join with them, but they\u2019re teenagers and they\u2019re kind of going\u201d\u2014you know, as teenagers do\u2014\u201cfollowing their own way and living their life. I\u2019m not even sure I feel like I have a place to step in.\u201d He\u2019s just feeling lost and disconnected and like: \u201cI\u2019m on the outside, looking in. I <em>desperately<\/em> want to get in, but I don\u2019t really know how to get in,\u201d and \u201cThey won\u2019t let me in.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, June 30<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You\u2019ll find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. Navigating your way <em>through<\/em> the maze of the blended family is hard, but it\u2019s not impossible. As Ron Deal says, the rewards can be <em>incredible<\/em>. We\u2019ll talk more about that today. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You guys had the experience awhile back\u2014you went to one of the <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em><sup>\u00ae <\/sup>events that Ron Deal puts together\u2014where we\u2019re talking to blended families all around the country via simulcast\/actually, all around the world via simulcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>What was that day like for you guys?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Well, we were the \u201cblessed\u201d part of the day. [Laughter] I\u2019m just kidding.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Actually, Ann <em>was<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes, she was. [Laughter] I\u2019ve heard that; man, it was true.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNo, actually, we had never been to one; and we got to speak at it with Ron in Minneapolis. I\u2019m telling you what\u2014it was really powerful\u2014because you have, in a room, and then simulcast\u2014so people are watching it, all over the world\u2014and able to watch it even later.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>People were watching it from our church, even.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes. We came home; and people just couldn\u2019t stop talking about how helpful it was for them, and our whole blended ministry at our church, and how they are using the videos later. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was a chance to be with common-like people, who are struggling with the <em>same<\/em> thing, and pointing them to the right place\u2014obviously, Jesus\u2014but sharing common\u2014I mean, you <em>don\u2019t<\/em> hear this; you just don\u2019t. When I preach on Sundays, I\u2019m <em>not<\/em> always thinking like I should about the blended families sitting there; and this is like, \u201cWe\u2019re going right there.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Ron Deal is joining us this week on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Thank you. It\u2019s always good to be with you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You just had another <em>Blended &amp; Blessed <\/em>event. We do this every spring; it\u2019s something that is growing. People are catching onto it; people are seeing the value and the benefit from these events. But this is just a small part of what you do, here at FamilyLife Blended<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>: books and resources, your podcast\/FamilyLife Blended podcast that\u2019s out now.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019ve just recently updated <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> DVD series\/the video series. Ten years ago, it was clips from you speaking to an audience on blended family issues. Now you\u2019ve come in and brought testimonies from other couples and really freshened up the material. You\u2019re dealing with what couples have told you over the last decade are the key issues that they\u2019re facing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>It\u2019s really fun to get feedback from people about this series. I mean, the bottom line is, as we talked about this week, is we\u2019re getting people together\/God\u2019s people together, and finding friends\/people from the community, who maybe don\u2019t know Jesus, but they have a felt need around their family. We\u2019re just inviting them to digest some good material: to talk, and to share, and encourage each other. I believe it\u2019s a great way of bringing people to the Lord.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>One of the things that couples, who are forming a blended family, are hoping is going to be the reality in their blended relationship\u2014this is true for a first marriage\u2014we are hoping that some of the loneliness we\u2019re feeling\/some of the isolation we\u2019re feeling is going to be solved, because we have a companion joining us. Yet, you\u2019ve talked to enough blended families, who get into it and go, \u201cI feel lonelier now than I did when I was single.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>What\u2019s insidious about this is that we often think of marriage as a two-person dance. In fact, it really is; at the end of the day, it really comes down to what happens between you and me. But there are things that happen <em>around<\/em> you and me that influence our relationship. There are stressors in life: if you lose your job, all of a sudden, you have financial pressure; and that puts pressure within your marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe blended family story that is all too common, that leads to isolation in marriage and ultimately divorce, is the story of: \u201cWow, you and I are great; but we don\u2019t know how to manage the stuff around us\u2014kids, parenting, step-parenting, former spouses, new in-laws, old in-laws, multitude of kids, different parenting styles. We have financial pressures\u2026All of <em>that<\/em> is weighing heavily on us.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI contend that, to do marriage ministry well with blended family couples, we have to address <em>all<\/em> the stuff. That\u2019s what we try to do in this series.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>In the series, we hear from couples who are living out some of the challenges that you\u2019re going to talk about; and in fact, there was a couple who shared this whole issue of how they started to feel isolated <em>after<\/em> they got married. Listen to what they shared.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[<em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em> DVD Series]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wife: <\/strong>My first marriage\u2014I was really young\u2014I was 19 when I got married.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Husband: <\/strong>This is my first marriage, and it\u2019s my wife\u2019s second marriage. What made us a blend\u2014we also had two children. At the time that we were married, they were 13 and 10; and I felt like I was <em>joining<\/em> a family versus becoming a family. I think that\u2019s when our turmoil started; because at that age, they\u2019re not little kids; they\u2019re fully-developed kids. There\u2019s no time for me to nurture them into who they were at that point. I didn\u2019t know how to be a <em>dad<\/em> to a teenager.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wife: <\/strong>I\u2019m sure the children were thinking, \u201cWhat do we do with him?\u201d I don\u2019t know what to do with him, either! It was just so complex and so <em>stressful<\/em>. I think it started to show on <em>all<\/em> of us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Husband: <\/strong>It was always easy for things to go off-kilter; because it was like, \u201cOkay, it\u2019s me and them.\u201d It was never <em>us<\/em>. I didn\u2019t really feel like I was appreciated as a stepdad; I didn\u2019t really feel like I had a place. So I started to find my place outside the home; and oddly enough, I found that place in ministry and in doing church stuff. People praised me for doing stuff, so I felt like they appreciated me more than my family did. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne day, there was not a big argument; it just kind of a came to a head.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wife: <\/strong>He wasn\u2019t paying attention to the family and other things going on in the church were more important. I felt neglected, so I was ready to throw in the towel. We were on the verge of divorce.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Husband: <\/strong>I had taken out a suitcase. I was going to pack, and I kicked it; and suitcase hit the wall and put a little hole in the wall. I said: \u201cWhen I get back home from church, I\u2019m packing this bag and I\u2019m leaving. I\u2019m out of here.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI work in a media ministry; I kind of zombied my way down the hall; and a family deacon says, \u201cHey, how\u2019s it going?\u201d I said, \u201cIt\u2019s going fine.\u201d He said, \u201cNo, it\u2019s not.\u201d He said, \u201cCome here. You need to go home.\u201d He said, \u201cYour wife is your first ministry.\u201d I went home that day; I was like: \u201cI\u2019m going to do whatever I can to make this work. Divorce is not going to be an option.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wife: <\/strong>There was something about him saying that to me that signaled to me that he cared, and he wanted <em>me<\/em> to care.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Husband: <\/strong>We decided we were going to be a married couple <em>first<\/em>. The kids were going to be the kids; they are getting older, and at some point they\u2019re going to leave the house. \u201cIf we\u2019re going to be fighting the whole time they\u2019re in the house, until they leave, what are we going to have when they leave?\u201d It took time; and it was definitely worth the time, and we just kept working it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy relationship with the kids now is <em>great<\/em>. My son\u2014he\u2019s married now\u2014he calls me all the time now about husband tips and how to be a dad. I would never have imagined the 13-year-old that he was, when I married his mother\u2014the now, 33-year-old\u2014would be calling me to ask me advice about how to be a better husband.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wife: <\/strong>Just to see the love and compassion that they have for my husband, who they didn\u2019t know 20 years ago\u2014if I had known then what I know now\u2014\u201cIt\u2019ll be okay.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You know, listening to them share about their journey, it just drove home the point that you made: \u201cIf all they had to worry about was just their relationship, they could have made that work okay.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>But that\u2019s not all you have to worry about\u2014whether it\u2019s kids, or finances, or in-laws, or the other complexities\u2014you throw that into the mix, and all of a sudden, now our relationship is challenged because of the external factors that are putting pressure on it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes; and one of the pressures for this guy was simply: \u201cWho am I in this family? I don\u2019t know what my role is as stepdad to these kids. I\u2019m trying to bond with them; I\u2019m trying to join with them, but they\u2019re teenagers, and they\u2019re kind of going\u201d\u2014you know, as teenagers do\u2014\u201cfollowing their own way and living their life. I\u2019m not even sure I feel like I have a place to step in.\u201d So he\u2019s just feeling lost, and disconnected, and an outsider.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>His words were, \u201cI never felt a part of the family.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes; \u201cIt felt like I was <em>joining<\/em> a family rather than building a family.\u201d That is a very common experience for step-parents: \u201cI\u2019m on the outside, looking in. I <em>desperately<\/em> want to get in, but I don\u2019t really know how to get in,\u201d and \u201cThey won\u2019t let me in. So what do I do?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis guy\u2014what he did\/the way he coped was found something to do\u2014threw himself into ministry, and it became a mistress to him. It became a place where he belonged, and could contribute, and found some significance. In the meantime, he\u2019s just getting further and further and drifting further from his family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Think about the first words we heard and then where we ended. What an amazing journey! Again, we\u2019re hearing just a synopsis of probably <em>years<\/em>; but it sounds like this is going to end in divorce and tragedy\u2014that\u2019s where they\u2019re headed\u2014and yet, there\u2019s a guy at church that won\u2019t take, \u201cI\u2019m good,\u201d for an answer. \u201cNo, you\u2019re not; you need to go home.\u201d It was the catalytic moment that said, \u201cHe\u2019s right; I have to save this marriage.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn some senses, watching that in a family room, or in a restaurant, or wherever you\u2019re sitting to watch it in a DVD series\u2014that\u2019s life-changing\u2014because I\u2019m going to sit there and go, \u201cI feel what he\u2019s feeling; I haven\u2019t told <em>anybody<\/em>.\u201d Yet now, I\u2019m sitting in a room, like: \u201cI can share that,\u201d and \u201cThere\u2019s hope?\u201d That\u2019s the beauty of what\u2019s going on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>The hope there that I want people to get from this series is: \u201cYes, today you\u2019re in a struggle. Stick with it; keep going. There is reward.\u201d Now, I can\u2019t guarantee when, or where, or how quickly; but you have to stay with it. Press <em>through<\/em> those awkward, difficult I-don\u2019t-know-what-to-do moments; and <em>don\u2019t<\/em> give up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s the beauty of what this couple shared as they\u2019re looking, now, back and saying: \u201cI have my bio son calling his stepfather for parenting tips,\u201d and \u201cThere\u2019s bonding, and there\u2019s love there,\u201d and \u201cI didn\u2019t believe it could happen, back 20 years ago; and yet it\u2019s happening.\u201d That\u2019s where you go, \u201cCouples\u2014who persevere, who figure it out, who get help, who find hope\u2014they wind up, five years later, going, \u2018This is better than I thought it could be.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes; here\u2019s a little perspective as we think about this. We\u2019re a marriage ministry, here, at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. There are definitely some things that are very different about blended family living and blended marriages, but there are some things that are exactly the same. Here\u2019s one thing that\u2019s the same: \u201cWhen the going gets tough, hold onto God\u2019s hand, and press in, and don\u2019t give up\u201d; because there are often rewards on the other side, right? \u201cYou\u2019re in the middle of the wilderness, Moses; it\u2019s a <em>long<\/em> way into the Promised Land, but keep on going, because there is a promise to hold onto.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt the end of the day, this couple\u2014their stressor was him being an outsider\u2014\u201cMy stepdad role: don\u2019t know what to do; how do I make this work?\u201d The bio mom\u2019s going, \u201cYou\u2019re not invested; I don\u2019t respect you for that\u2026\u201d The blended family dynamics were the catalyst to their isolation; but the repair is the same, at the end of the day, as with <em>any<\/em> marriage: \u201cDon\u2019t quit! Hold onto commitment. Trust God in the hard.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYes, look for some answers; find some support. The deacon, who stepped into his life, played a <em>marvelous<\/em> role. What a role the church can play in helping blended families keep going! But they had to just stay committed to the process.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I remember, when our boys were all getting married, and we have daughter-in-laws now in the picture. There\u2019s a shift in the family\/in the family dynamics. I was trying to get my head around that and \u201cWhat do these relationships look like now?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember sitting down with Barbara Rainey\u2014I didn\u2019t see her all the time\u2014but I sat down with her and I said, \u201cBarbara, why didn\u2019t you tell me this is complicated?! [Laughter] I thought it would be so easy and smooth, because I had expectations.\u201d She said: \u201cOh, Ann, I should have told you; and I\u2019m glad you asked, because this can take between three and seven years of figuring it out!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut just her words\u2014of somebody that\u2019s walked that path\/somebody that\u2019s been there\u2014as soon as she said that, I was like, \u201cOh, okay; this is <em>normal<\/em>.\u201d That helped me <em>so much<\/em>, just talking to someone else that\u2019s been there; because I was going out of my mind myself. I just helps to have somebody sitting with you, saying, \u201cOh, yes; hang on.\u201d That can really help.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>I love the way the woman ended the clip; she said, \u201cIf I\u2019d only known then what I know now, I would tell myself and what I would tell other people is: \u2018It\u2019ll be okay.\u2019\u201d Sometimes you just need to <em>hear<\/em> that so that you can <em>find<\/em> the courage to keep dealing with whatever the hard is of the moment and press through.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I\u2019ll tell you\u2014it means a lot, though, to hear it from somebody that\u2019s been where you\u2019ve been.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Like if I say it\u2014[from] a marriage that\u2019s two people and it\u2019s always been\u2014they\u2019re like, \u201cOh, yes, what do you know?\u201d I can relate back to being a son in a stepfamily; but when you hear it from somebody that\u2019s lived where you\u2019ve lived, it\u2019s like, \u201cOh my goodness\u2026\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI can\u2019t tell you, Ron, how many times people come up to me at my church, usually after a message\u2014and it may not even be about marriage or relationships\u2014but they\u2019ll walk up, and they\u2019re a blended family. It\u2019s this simple; they\u2019ll say, \u201cMan, we\u2019re really struggling; we\u2019re trying to blend this.\u201d I look at them and I go, \u201cYes, do you ever feel isolated?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cYes, how do you know that?\u201d I said, \u201cYou know how long it typically takes for a blended family to blend?\u201d They look at me like, \u201cHow do you know this?\u201d I say, \u201cRon Deal says, typically, seven years; and it\u2019s based on the kids.\u201d <em>That<\/em> comment\u2014I\u2019m not kidding\u2014they\u2019re like: \u201cSomebody knows this?! Where did you get that?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don\u2019t know it; I haven\u2019t done it, but that material is right there. I can see they\u2019re leaning into me, like: \u201cWhere do I get it? How do I find this?\u201d Then to sit in a room with other people, and hear stories like that, it is literally life-changing; because they can hear it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>And you\u2019re giving them hope with just a simple little perspective. The bottom line\u2014what you\u2019re saying to them\u2014is: \u201cYou\u2019re not crazy; you\u2019re kind of normal,\u201d and \u201cYou know what? I think there\u2019s hope in the normal.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>I just love, Dave\u2014you as a pastor\u2014to even have those words to be able to share. I mean, one of my <em>greatest<\/em> desires is that, at least, one pastor in every church in the world knows enough about this to even offer a simple little message of hope like that; because so many people I think perish under these blended family dynamics unnecessarily. I\u2019m just a firm believer in that\u2014that it doesn\u2019t have to be because of all this complexity\u2014that if blended family couples stay married five years, the divorce rate goes in half: \u201cJust keep going!\u201d But often people succumb to the challenge, and they don\u2019t know what else to do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn our story, when things got tough, what did this guy say? He went to his wife. He\u2019s a stepdad; he\u2019s the outsider. He\u2019s not sure he even has a place in the home; and he says to her, \u201cDivorce is not an option.\u201d She needed to hear that; because inside her mind, she\u2019s thinking, \u201cHe doesn\u2019t value us; he\u2019s left; he\u2019s moving on.\u201d She needed to hear him say, \u201cNo, I\u2019m in.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo anybody, who\u2019s listening right now, who\u2019s struggling, that\u2019s where it starts. You have to declare, \u201cI\u2019m in, and I\u2019m not going anywhere; and we are going to figure this out, because I love and value you <em>so much<\/em>.\u201d That statement is the beginning of possibilities.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019m thinking about what you talked about\u2014if you get to five years, the divorce rate\u2019s cut in half\u2014you said an average of seven years for a family to blend. So I\u2019m thinking about the person\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>You\u2019re doing the math!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014well, they\u2019re in year eight; and they\u2019re going, \u201cSo this is still hard for <em>me<\/em>, so is there something wrong with <em>us<\/em>?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m going: \u201cOkay, we said \u2018average.\u2019 There are some families that blend in three, and you just happen to be one of those families that\u2019s taking longer to blend. There may be more complexity that you brought into the situation that makes the blending harder.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>We need to define what \u201cblend\u201d means; because there are lots of blended family situations, where most of the relationships are pretty good or really good; but there\u2019s one or two that isn\u2019t. Sometimes, maybe, you have a difficult relationship with one stepchild\u2014<em>great<\/em> with two; not so great with one\u2014you would say, \u201cWe haven\u2019t blended yet. We\u2019re at year eight, and we\u2019re still struggling with some stuff.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cOkay, wait a minute. Let\u2019s count your blessings for a minute. Your marriage is doing good; you have two kids where that relationship is pretty solid, and you just have one that you\u2019re struggling with. Okay, that is still a healthy blended family\u201d; right? Sometimes the expectations people put on themselves are <em>so high<\/em> that they\u2019re constantly feeling like they\u2019re not getting there. You really <em>are<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and let\u2019s add to this. It\u2019s not like you get to year seven, or year six, or year eight, and it\u2019s like now everything runs smoothly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>\u2014it\u2019s perfect; no!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019ve been married 40 years, and it doesn\u2019t always run smoothly for us; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The natural drift\u2014how often have we said this?\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Oh, boy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cThe natural drift in <em>every<\/em> relationship is a drift towards isolation. Unless couples, in a first marriage\/in a blended family, are intentionally working toward oneness, the momentum is going to push you in the <em>other<\/em> direction. You <em>have<\/em> to be constantly vigilant to be pressing your marriage\/your family toward blending\u2014toward oneness\u2014toward the biblical design for marriage.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>That\u2019s when both people in the marriage are motivated to press in. Imagine, again, if you have five, or seven, or multiple households\u2014and varying levels of motivation to press in\u2014sometimes, you\u2019re carrying more weight because another person won\u2019t carry their weight. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, I guess the message I want to give people is: \u201cOkay, you have to relax, at some level, and notice what you have going well, or how things have improved, and know not every relationship is exactly what you want it to be. You\u2019re still in process in some way, but you are <em>coming<\/em> together and things are improving. Enjoy that, rest in that, trust God with it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Well, and I\u2019ll add one more application of: what if, at the dinner table, you sat down and talked about: \u201cI know we\u2019re a mess at times; I know things are complex. But these are the good things I see that are going on in our family...\u201d Just doing <em>that<\/em> can make us feel like\/gives you a breath, like, \u201cYes, I got lost in the mire there; but God really is doing some things.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Not everybody at the table even has to agree with you. It\u2019s okay if somebody\u2019s sitting there, going, \u201cWell, that\u2019s a good thing for you; but not so good for me.\u201d You can just acknowledge, \u201cYes, we have some differences; we see things differently.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut Ann, what you\u2019re saying is\u2014when you make that observation\u2014you are inviting people to see that you are invested\/that you\u2019re committed and that, from your point of view, there are some positive things that you\u2019re holding onto. That\u2019s very valuable.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We\u2019ve mentioned this before; you are in your first marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes, and I plan to stay there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This has not <em>ever<\/em> been a part of your personal experience.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>God has given you a heart for this and a broad ministry to blended families and stepfamilies. I\u2019m just wondering how many people listening, who are in a first marriage, would say: \u201cYou know, I do have a heart for the people in my church. I mean, I\u2019m thinking, \u2018Okay, we\u2019re probably not going to start a stepfamily small group at our home, because we don\u2019t have a stepfamily\u2019\u201d; but what if a couple said: \u201cWe have a heart for stepfamilies. We could invite the people we know, who are in stepfamilies, even though we haven\u2019t been in one, and come over and say, \u2018Look, we don\u2019t know all the challenges you guys are facing; we haven\u2019t faced them, but we just wanted to be here to set the table for the conversation to happen\u2019\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Do what I did 27 years ago\u2014and be bold enough, and courageous enough, and trusting God enough that, if you invite those couples to your living room or a small group at church, or wherever that meets, that good things will happen. I said then, and I still say now, \u201cI don\u2019t know\u201d; people ask me questions: \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I considered my job, back then, was to simply facilitate the opportunity for people to be together and for us to explore together\u2014and by the way, I had a co-leader couple, which was a wise thing to do, who was in a blended family\u2014I had a skillset as a therapist that I brought to the table, but they brought life experience; so we played off of one another\u2019s strengths.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can do this! Let me just point out\u2014we do this in the church all the time\u2014people help people recover from abortions, and you\u2019ve never had an abortion; right? You help people coming out of a drug-addicted lifestyle, and you\u2019ve never been down that road before. We do this, all the time, in ministry; this is really not that different. But the power is in getting people together and, at least, beginning to use a tool like this. Let the tool do the teaching; <em>you<\/em> do the facilitating.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, the tool you\u2019re talking about is an updated tool. It\u2019s the video series that accompanies your book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em>. You\u2019ve just revised the complete series. Our listeners can go online at FamilyLifeToday.com for information about <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em> video series. This is a great breakout class for churches to offer, or a small group to go through, or you could host this in your neighborhood. In fact, if you said, \u201cMy wife and I are going to be hosting a video series for blended couples,\u201d and just put up door-hangers in your neighborhood, invited other couples to come join you, you\u2019d be amazed how many people would be drawn to something like this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFind out more about <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em> video series when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com. You can order it from us online. Look for information, as well, about the upcoming <em>Summit on Stepfamily Ministry<\/em>; that we\u2019re holding this year as a livestream event on October 1<sup>st<\/sup> and 2<sup>nd<\/sup>. We\u2019ve been doing these summits for <em>years<\/em> now, and people from all over the country\/actually, all around the world have been coming in and spending a couple of days together to get trained, and equipped, and to better understand how to effectively minister to blended families in your church or in your community. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis year, we\u2019re doing it all online\/doing it all virtually. All of us have figured out, now in the last few months, how to connect and how to engage in one of these virtual events; so we\u2019re making that happen October 1<sup>st<\/sup> and 2<sup>nd<\/sup>. There\u2019s information, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com about the <em>Summit on Stepfamily Ministry<\/em>. Go to our website and check that out, and plan to be part of what we think is going to be the largest summit that\u2019s ever been held, addressing this subject. Again, October 1<sup>st<\/sup> and 2<sup>nd<\/sup>; information is available online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call if you need information: 1-800-FL-TODAY is our number.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to share a story with you. Ron Deal will be here again. We\u2019re going to talk about: what began as a challenging\/a difficult blended family situation\u2014and before it was all said and done\u2014there were some sweet moments that came out of this. You\u2019ll hear that story tomorrow. I hope you can tune in. I think you\u2019ll be encouraged by what you hear.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:28:08"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["25.76M"],"filesize_raw":["27013850"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-306218.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-306218.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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Deal explains that marriage, while typically a two-person dance, gets complicated as couples try to manage all the lives around them. He encourages couples to hold onto God's hand and never give up.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2020-06-30.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Whenever he is talking to stepdads in blended families, Ron Deal says there is one question that most of them are still trying to answer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>\u201cWho am I in this family? I don\u2019t know what my role is as stepdad to these kids. I\u2019m trying to bond with them; I\u2019m trying to join with them, but they\u2019re teenagers and they\u2019re kind of going\u201d\u2014you know, as teenagers do\u2014\u201cfollowing their own way and living their life. I\u2019m not even sure I feel like I have a place to step in.\u201d He\u2019s just feeling lost and disconnected and like: \u201cI\u2019m on the outside, looking in. I <em>desperately<\/em> want to get in, but I don\u2019t really know how to get in,\u201d and \u201cThey won\u2019t let me in.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, June 30<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You\u2019ll find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. Navigating your way <em>through<\/em> the maze of the blended family is hard, but it\u2019s not impossible. As Ron Deal says, the rewards can be <em>incredible<\/em>. We\u2019ll talk more about that today. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You guys had the experience awhile back\u2014you went to one of the <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em><sup>\u00ae <\/sup>events that Ron Deal puts together\u2014where we\u2019re talking to blended families all around the country via simulcast\/actually, all around the world via simulcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>What was that day like for you guys?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Well, we were the \u201cblessed\u201d part of the day. [Laughter] I\u2019m just kidding.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Actually, Ann <em>was<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes, she was. [Laughter] I\u2019ve heard that; man, it was true.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNo, actually, we had never been to one; and we got to speak at it with Ron in Minneapolis. I\u2019m telling you what\u2014it was really powerful\u2014because you have, in a room, and then simulcast\u2014so people are watching it, all over the world\u2014and able to watch it even later.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>People were watching it from our church, even.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes. We came home; and people just couldn\u2019t stop talking about how helpful it was for them, and our whole blended ministry at our church, and how they are using the videos later. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was a chance to be with common-like people, who are struggling with the <em>same<\/em> thing, and pointing them to the right place\u2014obviously, Jesus\u2014but sharing common\u2014I mean, you <em>don\u2019t<\/em> hear this; you just don\u2019t. When I preach on Sundays, I\u2019m <em>not<\/em> always thinking like I should about the blended families sitting there; and this is like, \u201cWe\u2019re going right there.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Ron Deal is joining us this week on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Thank you. It\u2019s always good to be with you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You just had another <em>Blended &amp; Blessed <\/em>event. We do this every spring; it\u2019s something that is growing. People are catching onto it; people are seeing the value and the benefit from these events. But this is just a small part of what you do, here at FamilyLife Blended<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>: books and resources, your podcast\/FamilyLife Blended podcast that\u2019s out now.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019ve just recently updated <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> DVD series\/the video series. Ten years ago, it was clips from you speaking to an audience on blended family issues. Now you\u2019ve come in and brought testimonies from other couples and really freshened up the material. You\u2019re dealing with what couples have told you over the last decade are the key issues that they\u2019re facing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>It\u2019s really fun to get feedback from people about this series. I mean, the bottom line is, as we talked about this week, is we\u2019re getting people together\/God\u2019s people together, and finding friends\/people from the community, who maybe don\u2019t know Jesus, but they have a felt need around their family. We\u2019re just inviting them to digest some good material: to talk, and to share, and encourage each other. I believe it\u2019s a great way of bringing people to the Lord.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>One of the things that couples, who are forming a blended family, are hoping is going to be the reality in their blended relationship\u2014this is true for a first marriage\u2014we are hoping that some of the loneliness we\u2019re feeling\/some of the isolation we\u2019re feeling is going to be solved, because we have a companion joining us. Yet, you\u2019ve talked to enough blended families, who get into it and go, \u201cI feel lonelier now than I did when I was single.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>What\u2019s insidious about this is that we often think of marriage as a two-person dance. In fact, it really is; at the end of the day, it really comes down to what happens between you and me. But there are things that happen <em>around<\/em> you and me that influence our relationship. There are stressors in life: if you lose your job, all of a sudden, you have financial pressure; and that puts pressure within your marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe blended family story that is all too common, that leads to isolation in marriage and ultimately divorce, is the story of: \u201cWow, you and I are great; but we don\u2019t know how to manage the stuff around us\u2014kids, parenting, step-parenting, former spouses, new in-laws, old in-laws, multitude of kids, different parenting styles. We have financial pressures\u2026All of <em>that<\/em> is weighing heavily on us.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI contend that, to do marriage ministry well with blended family couples, we have to address <em>all<\/em> the stuff. That\u2019s what we try to do in this series.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>In the series, we hear from couples who are living out some of the challenges that you\u2019re going to talk about; and in fact, there was a couple who shared this whole issue of how they started to feel isolated <em>after<\/em> they got married. Listen to what they shared.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[<em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em> DVD Series]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wife: <\/strong>My first marriage\u2014I was really young\u2014I was 19 when I got married.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Husband: <\/strong>This is my first marriage, and it\u2019s my wife\u2019s second marriage. What made us a blend\u2014we also had two children. At the time that we were married, they were 13 and 10; and I felt like I was <em>joining<\/em> a family versus becoming a family. I think that\u2019s when our turmoil started; because at that age, they\u2019re not little kids; they\u2019re fully-developed kids. There\u2019s no time for me to nurture them into who they were at that point. I didn\u2019t know how to be a <em>dad<\/em> to a teenager.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wife: <\/strong>I\u2019m sure the children were thinking, \u201cWhat do we do with him?\u201d I don\u2019t know what to do with him, either! It was just so complex and so <em>stressful<\/em>. I think it started to show on <em>all<\/em> of us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Husband: <\/strong>It was always easy for things to go off-kilter; because it was like, \u201cOkay, it\u2019s me and them.\u201d It was never <em>us<\/em>. I didn\u2019t really feel like I was appreciated as a stepdad; I didn\u2019t really feel like I had a place. So I started to find my place outside the home; and oddly enough, I found that place in ministry and in doing church stuff. People praised me for doing stuff, so I felt like they appreciated me more than my family did. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne day, there was not a big argument; it just kind of a came to a head.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wife: <\/strong>He wasn\u2019t paying attention to the family and other things going on in the church were more important. I felt neglected, so I was ready to throw in the towel. We were on the verge of divorce.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Husband: <\/strong>I had taken out a suitcase. I was going to pack, and I kicked it; and suitcase hit the wall and put a little hole in the wall. I said: \u201cWhen I get back home from church, I\u2019m packing this bag and I\u2019m leaving. I\u2019m out of here.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI work in a media ministry; I kind of zombied my way down the hall; and a family deacon says, \u201cHey, how\u2019s it going?\u201d I said, \u201cIt\u2019s going fine.\u201d He said, \u201cNo, it\u2019s not.\u201d He said, \u201cCome here. You need to go home.\u201d He said, \u201cYour wife is your first ministry.\u201d I went home that day; I was like: \u201cI\u2019m going to do whatever I can to make this work. Divorce is not going to be an option.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wife: <\/strong>There was something about him saying that to me that signaled to me that he cared, and he wanted <em>me<\/em> to care.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Husband: <\/strong>We decided we were going to be a married couple <em>first<\/em>. The kids were going to be the kids; they are getting older, and at some point they\u2019re going to leave the house. \u201cIf we\u2019re going to be fighting the whole time they\u2019re in the house, until they leave, what are we going to have when they leave?\u201d It took time; and it was definitely worth the time, and we just kept working it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy relationship with the kids now is <em>great<\/em>. My son\u2014he\u2019s married now\u2014he calls me all the time now about husband tips and how to be a dad. I would never have imagined the 13-year-old that he was, when I married his mother\u2014the now, 33-year-old\u2014would be calling me to ask me advice about how to be a better husband.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wife: <\/strong>Just to see the love and compassion that they have for my husband, who they didn\u2019t know 20 years ago\u2014if I had known then what I know now\u2014\u201cIt\u2019ll be okay.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You know, listening to them share about their journey, it just drove home the point that you made: \u201cIf all they had to worry about was just their relationship, they could have made that work okay.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>But that\u2019s not all you have to worry about\u2014whether it\u2019s kids, or finances, or in-laws, or the other complexities\u2014you throw that into the mix, and all of a sudden, now our relationship is challenged because of the external factors that are putting pressure on it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes; and one of the pressures for this guy was simply: \u201cWho am I in this family? I don\u2019t know what my role is as stepdad to these kids. I\u2019m trying to bond with them; I\u2019m trying to join with them, but they\u2019re teenagers, and they\u2019re kind of going\u201d\u2014you know, as teenagers do\u2014\u201cfollowing their own way and living their life. I\u2019m not even sure I feel like I have a place to step in.\u201d So he\u2019s just feeling lost, and disconnected, and an outsider.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>His words were, \u201cI never felt a part of the family.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes; \u201cIt felt like I was <em>joining<\/em> a family rather than building a family.\u201d That is a very common experience for step-parents: \u201cI\u2019m on the outside, looking in. I <em>desperately<\/em> want to get in, but I don\u2019t really know how to get in,\u201d and \u201cThey won\u2019t let me in. So what do I do?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis guy\u2014what he did\/the way he coped was found something to do\u2014threw himself into ministry, and it became a mistress to him. It became a place where he belonged, and could contribute, and found some significance. In the meantime, he\u2019s just getting further and further and drifting further from his family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Think about the first words we heard and then where we ended. What an amazing journey! Again, we\u2019re hearing just a synopsis of probably <em>years<\/em>; but it sounds like this is going to end in divorce and tragedy\u2014that\u2019s where they\u2019re headed\u2014and yet, there\u2019s a guy at church that won\u2019t take, \u201cI\u2019m good,\u201d for an answer. \u201cNo, you\u2019re not; you need to go home.\u201d It was the catalytic moment that said, \u201cHe\u2019s right; I have to save this marriage.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn some senses, watching that in a family room, or in a restaurant, or wherever you\u2019re sitting to watch it in a DVD series\u2014that\u2019s life-changing\u2014because I\u2019m going to sit there and go, \u201cI feel what he\u2019s feeling; I haven\u2019t told <em>anybody<\/em>.\u201d Yet now, I\u2019m sitting in a room, like: \u201cI can share that,\u201d and \u201cThere\u2019s hope?\u201d That\u2019s the beauty of what\u2019s going on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>The hope there that I want people to get from this series is: \u201cYes, today you\u2019re in a struggle. Stick with it; keep going. There is reward.\u201d Now, I can\u2019t guarantee when, or where, or how quickly; but you have to stay with it. Press <em>through<\/em> those awkward, difficult I-don\u2019t-know-what-to-do moments; and <em>don\u2019t<\/em> give up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s the beauty of what this couple shared as they\u2019re looking, now, back and saying: \u201cI have my bio son calling his stepfather for parenting tips,\u201d and \u201cThere\u2019s bonding, and there\u2019s love there,\u201d and \u201cI didn\u2019t believe it could happen, back 20 years ago; and yet it\u2019s happening.\u201d That\u2019s where you go, \u201cCouples\u2014who persevere, who figure it out, who get help, who find hope\u2014they wind up, five years later, going, \u2018This is better than I thought it could be.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes; here\u2019s a little perspective as we think about this. We\u2019re a marriage ministry, here, at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. There are definitely some things that are very different about blended family living and blended marriages, but there are some things that are exactly the same. Here\u2019s one thing that\u2019s the same: \u201cWhen the going gets tough, hold onto God\u2019s hand, and press in, and don\u2019t give up\u201d; because there are often rewards on the other side, right? \u201cYou\u2019re in the middle of the wilderness, Moses; it\u2019s a <em>long<\/em> way into the Promised Land, but keep on going, because there is a promise to hold onto.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt the end of the day, this couple\u2014their stressor was him being an outsider\u2014\u201cMy stepdad role: don\u2019t know what to do; how do I make this work?\u201d The bio mom\u2019s going, \u201cYou\u2019re not invested; I don\u2019t respect you for that\u2026\u201d The blended family dynamics were the catalyst to their isolation; but the repair is the same, at the end of the day, as with <em>any<\/em> marriage: \u201cDon\u2019t quit! Hold onto commitment. Trust God in the hard.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYes, look for some answers; find some support. The deacon, who stepped into his life, played a <em>marvelous<\/em> role. What a role the church can play in helping blended families keep going! But they had to just stay committed to the process.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I remember, when our boys were all getting married, and we have daughter-in-laws now in the picture. There\u2019s a shift in the family\/in the family dynamics. I was trying to get my head around that and \u201cWhat do these relationships look like now?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember sitting down with Barbara Rainey\u2014I didn\u2019t see her all the time\u2014but I sat down with her and I said, \u201cBarbara, why didn\u2019t you tell me this is complicated?! [Laughter] I thought it would be so easy and smooth, because I had expectations.\u201d She said: \u201cOh, Ann, I should have told you; and I\u2019m glad you asked, because this can take between three and seven years of figuring it out!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut just her words\u2014of somebody that\u2019s walked that path\/somebody that\u2019s been there\u2014as soon as she said that, I was like, \u201cOh, okay; this is <em>normal<\/em>.\u201d That helped me <em>so much<\/em>, just talking to someone else that\u2019s been there; because I was going out of my mind myself. I just helps to have somebody sitting with you, saying, \u201cOh, yes; hang on.\u201d That can really help.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>I love the way the woman ended the clip; she said, \u201cIf I\u2019d only known then what I know now, I would tell myself and what I would tell other people is: \u2018It\u2019ll be okay.\u2019\u201d Sometimes you just need to <em>hear<\/em> that so that you can <em>find<\/em> the courage to keep dealing with whatever the hard is of the moment and press through.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I\u2019ll tell you\u2014it means a lot, though, to hear it from somebody that\u2019s been where you\u2019ve been.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Like if I say it\u2014[from] a marriage that\u2019s two people and it\u2019s always been\u2014they\u2019re like, \u201cOh, yes, what do you know?\u201d I can relate back to being a son in a stepfamily; but when you hear it from somebody that\u2019s lived where you\u2019ve lived, it\u2019s like, \u201cOh my goodness\u2026\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI can\u2019t tell you, Ron, how many times people come up to me at my church, usually after a message\u2014and it may not even be about marriage or relationships\u2014but they\u2019ll walk up, and they\u2019re a blended family. It\u2019s this simple; they\u2019ll say, \u201cMan, we\u2019re really struggling; we\u2019re trying to blend this.\u201d I look at them and I go, \u201cYes, do you ever feel isolated?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cYes, how do you know that?\u201d I said, \u201cYou know how long it typically takes for a blended family to blend?\u201d They look at me like, \u201cHow do you know this?\u201d I say, \u201cRon Deal says, typically, seven years; and it\u2019s based on the kids.\u201d <em>That<\/em> comment\u2014I\u2019m not kidding\u2014they\u2019re like: \u201cSomebody knows this?! Where did you get that?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don\u2019t know it; I haven\u2019t done it, but that material is right there. I can see they\u2019re leaning into me, like: \u201cWhere do I get it? How do I find this?\u201d Then to sit in a room with other people, and hear stories like that, it is literally life-changing; because they can hear it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>And you\u2019re giving them hope with just a simple little perspective. The bottom line\u2014what you\u2019re saying to them\u2014is: \u201cYou\u2019re not crazy; you\u2019re kind of normal,\u201d and \u201cYou know what? I think there\u2019s hope in the normal.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>I just love, Dave\u2014you as a pastor\u2014to even have those words to be able to share. I mean, one of my <em>greatest<\/em> desires is that, at least, one pastor in every church in the world knows enough about this to even offer a simple little message of hope like that; because so many people I think perish under these blended family dynamics unnecessarily. I\u2019m just a firm believer in that\u2014that it doesn\u2019t have to be because of all this complexity\u2014that if blended family couples stay married five years, the divorce rate goes in half: \u201cJust keep going!\u201d But often people succumb to the challenge, and they don\u2019t know what else to do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn our story, when things got tough, what did this guy say? He went to his wife. He\u2019s a stepdad; he\u2019s the outsider. He\u2019s not sure he even has a place in the home; and he says to her, \u201cDivorce is not an option.\u201d She needed to hear that; because inside her mind, she\u2019s thinking, \u201cHe doesn\u2019t value us; he\u2019s left; he\u2019s moving on.\u201d She needed to hear him say, \u201cNo, I\u2019m in.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo anybody, who\u2019s listening right now, who\u2019s struggling, that\u2019s where it starts. You have to declare, \u201cI\u2019m in, and I\u2019m not going anywhere; and we are going to figure this out, because I love and value you <em>so much<\/em>.\u201d That statement is the beginning of possibilities.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019m thinking about what you talked about\u2014if you get to five years, the divorce rate\u2019s cut in half\u2014you said an average of seven years for a family to blend. So I\u2019m thinking about the person\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>You\u2019re doing the math!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014well, they\u2019re in year eight; and they\u2019re going, \u201cSo this is still hard for <em>me<\/em>, so is there something wrong with <em>us<\/em>?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m going: \u201cOkay, we said \u2018average.\u2019 There are some families that blend in three, and you just happen to be one of those families that\u2019s taking longer to blend. There may be more complexity that you brought into the situation that makes the blending harder.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>We need to define what \u201cblend\u201d means; because there are lots of blended family situations, where most of the relationships are pretty good or really good; but there\u2019s one or two that isn\u2019t. Sometimes, maybe, you have a difficult relationship with one stepchild\u2014<em>great<\/em> with two; not so great with one\u2014you would say, \u201cWe haven\u2019t blended yet. We\u2019re at year eight, and we\u2019re still struggling with some stuff.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cOkay, wait a minute. Let\u2019s count your blessings for a minute. Your marriage is doing good; you have two kids where that relationship is pretty solid, and you just have one that you\u2019re struggling with. Okay, that is still a healthy blended family\u201d; right? Sometimes the expectations people put on themselves are <em>so high<\/em> that they\u2019re constantly feeling like they\u2019re not getting there. You really <em>are<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and let\u2019s add to this. It\u2019s not like you get to year seven, or year six, or year eight, and it\u2019s like now everything runs smoothly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>\u2014it\u2019s perfect; no!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019ve been married 40 years, and it doesn\u2019t always run smoothly for us; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The natural drift\u2014how often have we said this?\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Oh, boy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cThe natural drift in <em>every<\/em> relationship is a drift towards isolation. Unless couples, in a first marriage\/in a blended family, are intentionally working toward oneness, the momentum is going to push you in the <em>other<\/em> direction. You <em>have<\/em> to be constantly vigilant to be pressing your marriage\/your family toward blending\u2014toward oneness\u2014toward the biblical design for marriage.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>That\u2019s when both people in the marriage are motivated to press in. Imagine, again, if you have five, or seven, or multiple households\u2014and varying levels of motivation to press in\u2014sometimes, you\u2019re carrying more weight because another person won\u2019t carry their weight. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, I guess the message I want to give people is: \u201cOkay, you have to relax, at some level, and notice what you have going well, or how things have improved, and know not every relationship is exactly what you want it to be. You\u2019re still in process in some way, but you are <em>coming<\/em> together and things are improving. Enjoy that, rest in that, trust God with it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Well, and I\u2019ll add one more application of: what if, at the dinner table, you sat down and talked about: \u201cI know we\u2019re a mess at times; I know things are complex. But these are the good things I see that are going on in our family...\u201d Just doing <em>that<\/em> can make us feel like\/gives you a breath, like, \u201cYes, I got lost in the mire there; but God really is doing some things.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Not everybody at the table even has to agree with you. It\u2019s okay if somebody\u2019s sitting there, going, \u201cWell, that\u2019s a good thing for you; but not so good for me.\u201d You can just acknowledge, \u201cYes, we have some differences; we see things differently.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut Ann, what you\u2019re saying is\u2014when you make that observation\u2014you are inviting people to see that you are invested\/that you\u2019re committed and that, from your point of view, there are some positive things that you\u2019re holding onto. That\u2019s very valuable.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We\u2019ve mentioned this before; you are in your first marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes, and I plan to stay there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This has not <em>ever<\/em> been a part of your personal experience.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>God has given you a heart for this and a broad ministry to blended families and stepfamilies. I\u2019m just wondering how many people listening, who are in a first marriage, would say: \u201cYou know, I do have a heart for the people in my church. I mean, I\u2019m thinking, \u2018Okay, we\u2019re probably not going to start a stepfamily small group at our home, because we don\u2019t have a stepfamily\u2019\u201d; but what if a couple said: \u201cWe have a heart for stepfamilies. We could invite the people we know, who are in stepfamilies, even though we haven\u2019t been in one, and come over and say, \u2018Look, we don\u2019t know all the challenges you guys are facing; we haven\u2019t faced them, but we just wanted to be here to set the table for the conversation to happen\u2019\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Do what I did 27 years ago\u2014and be bold enough, and courageous enough, and trusting God enough that, if you invite those couples to your living room or a small group at church, or wherever that meets, that good things will happen. I said then, and I still say now, \u201cI don\u2019t know\u201d; people ask me questions: \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I considered my job, back then, was to simply facilitate the opportunity for people to be together and for us to explore together\u2014and by the way, I had a co-leader couple, which was a wise thing to do, who was in a blended family\u2014I had a skillset as a therapist that I brought to the table, but they brought life experience; so we played off of one another\u2019s strengths.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can do this! Let me just point out\u2014we do this in the church all the time\u2014people help people recover from abortions, and you\u2019ve never had an abortion; right? You help people coming out of a drug-addicted lifestyle, and you\u2019ve never been down that road before. We do this, all the time, in ministry; this is really not that different. But the power is in getting people together and, at least, beginning to use a tool like this. Let the tool do the teaching; <em>you<\/em> do the facilitating.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, the tool you\u2019re talking about is an updated tool. It\u2019s the video series that accompanies your book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em>. You\u2019ve just revised the complete series. Our listeners can go online at FamilyLifeToday.com for information about <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em> video series. This is a great breakout class for churches to offer, or a small group to go through, or you could host this in your neighborhood. In fact, if you said, \u201cMy wife and I are going to be hosting a video series for blended couples,\u201d and just put up door-hangers in your neighborhood, invited other couples to come join you, you\u2019d be amazed how many people would be drawn to something like this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFind out more about <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em> video series when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com. You can order it from us online. Look for information, as well, about the upcoming <em>Summit on Stepfamily Ministry<\/em>; that we\u2019re holding this year as a livestream event on October 1<sup>st<\/sup> and 2<sup>nd<\/sup>. We\u2019ve been doing these summits for <em>years<\/em> now, and people from all over the country\/actually, all around the world have been coming in and spending a couple of days together to get trained, and equipped, and to better understand how to effectively minister to blended families in your church or in your community. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis year, we\u2019re doing it all online\/doing it all virtually. All of us have figured out, now in the last few months, how to connect and how to engage in one of these virtual events; so we\u2019re making that happen October 1<sup>st<\/sup> and 2<sup>nd<\/sup>. There\u2019s information, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com about the <em>Summit on Stepfamily Ministry<\/em>. Go to our website and check that out, and plan to be part of what we think is going to be the largest summit that\u2019s ever been held, addressing this subject. Again, October 1<sup>st<\/sup> and 2<sup>nd<\/sup>; information is available online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call if you need information: 1-800-FL-TODAY is our number.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to share a story with you. Ron Deal will be here again. We\u2019re going to talk about: what began as a challenging\/a difficult blended family situation\u2014and before it was all said and done\u2014there were some sweet moments that came out of this. You\u2019ll hear that story tomorrow. I hope you can tune in. I think you\u2019ll be encouraged by what you hear.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/306218","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=306218"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=306218"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=306218"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=306218"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=306218"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=306218"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=306218"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}