{"id":306061,"date":"2020-06-01T13:59:55","date_gmt":"2020-06-01T17:59:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/training-a-child-in-the-way-they-should-go\/"},"modified":"2020-06-01T13:59:55","modified_gmt":"2020-06-01T17:59:55","slug":"training-a-child-in-the-way-they-should-go","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/training-a-child-in-the-way-they-should-go\/","title":{"rendered":"Training a Child in the Way They Should Go"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Guest: Brandon and Analyn Miller | Series: Play to Their Strengths | Brandon and Analyn Miller, parents of seven, remind us it&#8217;s our job to find out what is unique about each of our children beginning when they are toddlers. We need to become students of our children, encouraging their strengths and recognizing their weaknesses. Asking questions about what they like and don&#8217;t like is a great way to discover who God made them to be.<br \/>\nShow Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tRead &#8220;The Five E\u2019s of Strength Identification&#8221; by Analyn and Brandon Miller. https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/parenting\/essentials\/releasing-your-child\/the-five-es-of-strength-identification\/<br \/>\n \tFind resources from this podcast at https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=95.<br \/>\n \tCheck out all that&#8217;s available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.\u00a0 https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/<br \/>\n \tHave the FamilyLife Today\u00ae podcast and resources helped you?\u00a0 Consider becoming a Legacy Partner, a monthly supporter of FamilyLife.\u00a0https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/legacy<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Brandon and Analyn Miller remind parents it&#8217;s our job to find out what is unique about each of our children. We need to become students of our children to discover who God made them to be.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2020-06-01.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:50","filesize":"25.5M","filesize_raw":"26735932","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2850],"tags":[],"podcast_series":[8364],"cwp_profile":[9626],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306061","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-character-development","podcast_series-play-to-their-strengths","cwp_profile-brandon-and-analyn-miller","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306061\/training-a-child-in-the-way-they-should-go","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306061\/training-a-child-in-the-way-they-should-go","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"x1EwnFtX6X\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/training-a-child-in-the-way-they-should-go\/\">Training a Child in the Way They Should Go<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/training-a-child-in-the-way-they-should-go\/embed\/#?secret=x1EwnFtX6X\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Training a Child in the Way They Should Go&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"x1EwnFtX6X\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Brandon and Analyn Miller remind parents it's our job to find out what is unique about each of our children. We need to become students of our children to discover who God made them to be.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2020-06-01.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Part of our assignment, as parents, is to understand who our children are: \u201cWho are the unique people God made them to be?\u201d Brandon Miller says one of the ways he and his wife do that is by paying attention to what his children do well and the things they enjoy doing.\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> We started to incorporate this simple question every day\u2014we started to look for, \u201cWhat do we see and hear when we hear their response?\u201d\u2014it\u2019s: \u201cWhat did you do today that made you feel strong?\u201d The thing is, as parents, I can notice where a child <em>performs<\/em> well; but I don\u2019t know if it gave them energy. I don\u2019t know, if it\u2019s going to be so much of an enjoyment, they\u2019ll push through opposition to keep doing it.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, June 1<sup>st<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You\u2019ll find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. \u201cAre you raising your children to be the people God created them to be?\u201d or \u201cAre you trying to <em>make<\/em> them into the people <em>you<\/em> want them to be?\u201d\u2014it\u2019s an important question to answer; right? We\u2019ll talk more about it today.\n\nAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You guys know, when we were working on the video series for the <em>Art of Parenting<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> that accompanies the book Dennis and Barbara Rainey wrote on that subject, one of the themes we talked about is that parents need to be careful not to try to force a child into a predetermined mold. We need to be figuring out: \u201cWho is this child?\u201d and \u201cHow we point them in the direction God wants to point them?\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I wish we would have known that back when we started our parenting days, because I was trying to <em>squeeze<\/em> our oldest son into a mold; and it wasn\u2019t working.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think every parent is longing for the recipe for perfect kids. They think, \u201cGive me the recipe; I will bake it to perfection because I want perfect kids.\u201d Then, we realize, \u201cOh! They are unique individuals.\u201d Part of the mystery of parenting is figuring out: \u201cWho is this child?\u201d and \u201cHow do I steward who this child is?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> One of our historic moments in parenting was when my oldest son, CJ\u2014from day one\u2014you could see his strength was analytical thinker.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014which, by the way, Dave and I were both athletes; so everyone was saying: \u201cYou guys are going to have the most athletic kids in the world! It\u2019s going to be amazing!\u201d And we\u2019re thinking, \u201cYes, we are!\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So number one comes out\u2014and I mean, he\u2019s athletic\u2014but you could see there\u2019s this gift. He must be three?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014and he\u2019s just <em>staring<\/em> at my forehead. I knew enough then: \u201cHe\u2019s thinking; he isn\u2019t just staring. There\u2019s something going on in that little brain of his, and it\u2019s probably deep.\u201d\n\nHere\u2019s what he says: \u201cHey, Dad! How old were you when your head started sucking your hair back in?\u201d [Laughter] I\u2019m like, \u201cOnly a thinker would think like that.\u201d I wish I could have replaced that, but it never came back.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019re going to try to help moms and dads this week think about the art of parenting, and the need to understand who your kids are, and understand how to parent them. It\u2019s Proverbs 22:6 that says, \u201cTrain up a child in the way he should go.\u201d We think that means according to some prescribed\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014according to the Bible; yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014it means according to their \u201cbent.\u201d We\u2019ve got some friends here to help us work through this. Analyn and Brandon Miller; welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, guys.\n\n<strong>Brandon: <\/strong>Thank you.\n\n<strong>Analyn:<\/strong> Thank you so much for having us.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Analyn and Brandon live in Sacramento, California, and are the parents of\u2014are you ready?\u2014seven kids.\n\n<strong>Analyn:<\/strong> Yes, sir!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You guys are <em>young<\/em> too.\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> When you start young enough, you can do it. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Three of your kids are now grown and married?\n\n<strong>Analyn:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And do you still have four at home?\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Analyn:<\/strong> We do.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So you\u2019re still in the middle of this. You\u2019ve written a book called <em>Play to Their Strengths.<\/em> It\u2019s about what we\u2019ve been talking about here\u2014that there\u2019s no formula for raising kids\u2014when did you realize that?\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> I\u2019d say, about 12 years ago, I was already introduced to this idea of thinking differently about human development in general.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Tell everybody what you do.\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> Professionally, I work with organizations. We help develop great places to work by shifting an approach to what we call Strength-based Development; so thinking about how to develop a person\u2019s natural abilities\u2014play to where their natural momentum is\u2014and then build an overall better workplace that way.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You use a tool called Strength Finders.\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> We do.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Many of our listeners have probably <em>heard<\/em> of that because churches use this as well.\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> Very much. Our main objective is to help people, who are bosses, be the best boss they can be.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> What we drew the connection to is: \u201cYou know, there\u2019s not that much difference to being a people manager and a parent.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Brandon: <\/strong>\u201cThey\u2019re just older versions of those people you\u2019re trying to parent at home.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And this was 12 years ago this finally dawned on you?\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> Yes, [Laughter] it took a little while.\n\nThe story about sports\u2014so I\u2019m a big football player and had aspirations to take that far. When kids came along, I thought, \u201cHere it is; [Laughter] I have a boy. We\u2019re going to form him and mold him into the best football player he can be.\u201d He waited until his freshman year to say, \u201cDad, I want to play on the ball team.\u201d I said, \u201cAlright; what do you think about me coaching?\u201d He said, \u201cSure.\u201d The high school allowed me to come on.\n\nAll summer long, in my mind, I am preparing him for glory and all the things he needed to do and be. On the first day of practice, as we\u2019re making our way to the school, I\u2019m giving him a speech\u2014or some kind of motivational talk\u2014around: \u201cHere\u2019s what you\u2019re going to do to be awesome, Son. Here\u2019s how it\u2019s all going to go down.\u201d [Laughter]\n\nI\u2019m probably halfway through the talk, and my son leans over\u2014this is a 14-year-old boy with his dad\u2014puts his hand on my shoulder, and goes, \u201cHey, Dad. I just need you to know that I\u2019m not like you, and I\u2019m not going to play football the same way you did.\u201d\n\n<strong>Analyn:<\/strong> Ohhhhh; that hit him like a ton of bricks.\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> Yes; it\u2019s that moment of, \u201cI think you just said more than you just said; I think there is more to this.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, right.\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> It brought me back to this memory: I was in a child dedication and\n\nProverbs 22:6 was what was said. The minister, at the time, was saying: \u201cYou\u2019re raising this child in the way this child is designed by God to go\u2014not just how <em>you think<\/em> or even just good biblical principles, because all those are good and right\u2014but this child has a nature.\u201d\n\nFor us, I think, it really caused us to <em>reframe<\/em> how we would look at our kids. We were just entering that phase with our three oldest, where the teenage years were upon us. They were naturally starting to create distance, which will happen. I would say, fairly, we were desperate.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You know\u2014when you step back, and you sit here and go, \u201cOhh, you just play to their strengths,\u201d\u2014but as a parent, when you see that they\u2019re different than maybe you thought or what you were hoping for, was it easy?\u2014or was it hard?\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> It was incredibly difficult because, on one hand, all of us have a natural negativity bias; and it protects us. We first threat-assess, and that carries over into development. So when we look at a child\u2019s report card\u2014or we think about their assets or deficiencies\u2014we\u2019re <em>drawn<\/em> to try to fix what\u2019s wrong to try to build something strong. Over time, that teaches a child, \u201cMy pathway to success is through fixing my weaknesses.\u201d\n\nBut then come the biases, as a parent\u2014who <em>I<\/em> want you to be\/who <em>I<\/em> see\u2014that\u2019s <em>very<\/em> hard to let go of; because as a parent, most of us are well-meaning. We want what\u2019s best for our kid; so we start to say things like, \u201cIf I were you\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> \u201c\u2014I would do it this way.\u201d The problem with that, as my 14-year-old in his brilliance, said: \u201cI\u2019m not like you. I can\u2019t do it your way. I won\u2019t be who you are.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Kudos to him to be able to say that at 14!\n\n<strong>Analyn:<\/strong> Yes, for sure.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That says a lot about his relationship with you\u2014that he\u2019d feel the freedom to say that.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019ll tell you this\u2014in our parenting, we struggled between each other, raising our kids up. The same one who looked at my head\u2014you know, the thinker\u2014he\u2019s playing basketball at, what?\u2014eight years old? I\u2019m the coach; we\u2019re 0-12; we don\u2019t win a <em>game<\/em>\u2014because it\u2019s all kids; it\u2019s not the coach, ever\u2014[Laughter]\u2014we\u2019re terrible.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And this son is super laid back, where I am intensity out the door. I\u2019m like, \u201cCome on!\u201d I\u2019m yelling: \u201cCome on! Come on!\u201d\u2014I\u2019m that mom. I\u2019m yelling; and all the kids go to the end of the basket, and they\u2019re shooting baskets. Our son stops in the middle of the court, and he\u2019s just <em>staring<\/em> at the scoreboard\u2014<em>staring<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> This is one of the games, going back and forth, at both ends of the court; so the game\u2019s going on full court. He\u2019s standing in the middle while the game goes by him. He\u2019s just staring at the scoreboard.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And I\u2019m saying: \u201cCJ! CJ! Come on! Pay attention!\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019m the coach, looking at this parent in the stands like, \u201cWho is this lady?\u201d It\u2019s my wife! [Laughter] She\u2019s yelling, \u201cCJ!\u201d I call, \u201cTime out,\u201d because I know\/I know what\u2019s going on. I call, \u201cTime out.\u201d\n\nAll the kids come over. I go, \u201cCJ, what are you doing there in the middle of the court?\u201d He goes: \u201c<em>Dad<\/em>, how do the lights work? [Laughter] It\u2019s connected to the board over there; and they hit these, and it goes up on the scoreboard.\u201d I go, \u201cI have no idea, but I guarantee you\u2019re going to find out!\u201d And that\u2019s his bent! He is, today, a 33-year-old\u2014just genius technical guy\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014IT.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u2014wonderful\u2014but it was a struggle. We get in the car to drive home. She\u2019s like, \u201cHe should be doing this.\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cI don\u2019t think that\u2019s who he is.\u201d We had to learn what you\u2019re talking about.\n\nHow does a parent make that adjustment?\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> We can relate to that because Lance was the kid, that when you gave him a toy, he found more pleasure in tearing it apart than he did playing with it.\n\n<strong>Analyn:<\/strong> Yes, I was constantly watching him to make sure I didn\u2019t kill him during the day: \u201cWhat devices did we give him that he may take apart, put together, and literally\u2014\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cand plug it into the light socket?\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Analyn:<\/strong> He would do stuff like that.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> They are very similar\u2014yes\u2014our sons.\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> He was very curious; and so even in high school, thinking about who he would become\u2014this is our son that ended up forgoing college; was two years in, decided, \u201cNo, I don\u2019t want to go into all that debt. I\u2019m going into an apprenticeship and become an electrician,\u201d\u2014when he brought it home, we both said, \u201cWell, that just makes a ton of sense; because that is who you are.\u201d\n\nWhat was ironic\u2014is in my early 20s, as were figuring life out, as a young married couple\u2014I entered into an electrical apprenticeship. I thought, \u201cWell, let me try this out; I need to make ends meet.\u201d About a year into it, we figured out either I was going to die or someone else was going to die in my presence [Laughter]; because I was so incapable of getting two things to meet together. I realized: \u201cThis is basically fire in a wire. If I touch the wrong thing, this will be bad.\u201d\n\nFor my son to actually choose that profession, and be very successful in it,\u2014\n\n<strong>Analyn:<\/strong> \u2014was ironic.\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> \u2014was just underscoring: \u201cWe need to be clear that these kids have a God-design, and there\u2019s amazing qualities within each one. Let\u2019s find out who they are to help them become who they\u2019re intended to be.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> The question is: \u201cHow? How does a parent discover who their child is? How do we play to their strengths?\u201d\n\n<strong>Analyn:<\/strong> In our book, one of the Scriptures that we talk about is our children literally being knit together in our mother\u2019s wombs, Psalm 139. When you think of that, you realize that there are so many <em>facets<\/em> to them. There are so many things to <em>discover<\/em> about them. We have a whole section that talks about being in discovery-mode constantly.\n\nOne, it starts with a fascination with them and going back to that place. We discuss how, when you bring home a newborn, you are literally <em>fascinated<\/em> with God\u2019s workmanship\u2014I mean astounded!\u2014that you\u2019ve created this other human! Real life happens; and by the time they\u2019re toddlers, you\u2019re not quite so fascinated anymore; [Laughter] you just want them to obey. We get out of that phase.\n\nWhat we desired through this book was to bring parents back there and to be in a constant state of fascination. Our kids are literally unraveling who they are before your eyes. As parents, we\u2019re the ones to help steward that in their lives. It can only be from us watching them, asking great questions\u2014being in a place, where Brandon has a question he asks our kids every day\u2014I\u2019ll let you talk about that: \u201cWhat makes you feel strong?\u201d\u2014and really being a student of your child. It\u2019s a <em>whole<\/em> different outlook, which does take time; it takes a lot of energy. We\u2019re not going to lie; it\u2019s not easy.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014especially when you have <em>seven.<\/em>\n\n<strong>Brandon: <\/strong>Right.\n\n<strong>Analyn:<\/strong> Yes!\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> So that\u2019s seven opportunities to get it wrong, a lot of times, and seven opportunities to find those nuggets that really hold in your heart: \u201cThere\u2019s my kid.\u201d\n\nThat question she\u2019s describing\u2014our youngest boys are 12 and 9; they\u2019re our bonus kids\u2014we thought, at 5, we were done: 4 daughters\/1 son. To have two boys at the end was really a blessing for dad; I\u2019ll be honest. That was very exciting.\n\nWe started to incorporate this simple question every day; and we started to look for, \u201cWhat do we see and hear when we hear their response?\u201d It\u2019s: \u201cWhat did you do today, David, that made you feel strong?\u201d The thing is, as parents, I can notice where a child <em>performs<\/em> well; but I don\u2019t know if it gave them energy.\n\n<strong>Analyn:<\/strong> \u2014that built them.\n\n<strong>Brandon: <\/strong>I don\u2019t know if it\u2019s something they\u2019ll look forward to doing again. I don\u2019t know, if it\u2019s going to be so much of an enjoyment, they\u2019ll push through opposition to keep doing it. For us, that transition really helped us with the discovery process.\n\nThen, when we play to that strength that we think we\u2019re seeing: \u201cDo we see further evidence of where it\u2019s going?\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Give us a conversation at the table.\n\n<strong>Analyn:<\/strong> Oh, sure.\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> With our two boys, David is our very academic child; and he <em>loves<\/em> to serve others. About every day, he\u2019s going to tell us about some academic accomplishment; and\/or he will tell us about a place where he was able to serve on his leadership team in his elementary school. Now, we encourage him to look for places to do that <em>more.<\/em>\n\nHis little brother, conversely, is very athletic. Out of seven, I think we\u2019d both agree, he\u2019s probably our most athletic child. Daniel is going to tell us almost every day about the kid he juked out of his shoes [Laughter] or the touchdown pass at recess.\n\n<strong>Analyn:<\/strong> It\u2019s a very different conversation.\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> With him, we realize he <em>loves<\/em> to perform; he loves\/he\u2019s so energetic. We look to build on that knowledge and see where that takes them, which inevitably leads to the conversation of what they\u2019re <em>not<\/em> strong in.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I was going to ask about that, because part of being a mom and a dad is correction\u2014that\u2019s what 2 Timothy 3 says\u2014that we have to train, and correct, and reprove, and do all this with our kids. Playing to their strengths does not mean <em>ignoring<\/em> their weaknesses, does it?\n\n<strong>Analyn:<\/strong> Absolutely not.\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> No; because we ascribe to authoritative parenting as a style, which is high-warmth and high-control; okay? If I were to talk about my <em>previous<\/em> parenting style, it would be authoritarian\u2014high-control, <em>low<\/em>-warmth.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I know what you\u2019re talking about, so let me\u2014for listeners\u2014let me see if I can help with this. There are two questions every child is asking; the two questions are: \u201cDo you love me?\u201d and \u201cCan I do what I want?\u201d How you answer those questions determines what kind of parent you are. As an authoritarian parent, you are saying, \u201cNo, you can\u2019t do what you want; and you\u2019re going to wonder whether I love you at times.\u201d\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> As an authoritative parent, you\u2019re saying, \u201cYes, I love you; and no, you can\u2019t do what you want,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s really the sweet spot for parenting.\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> It is; because the third wheel to that goes into the permissive\u2014so high-warmth and \u201cYou get to do what you want; because I\u2019m going to be Captain Fun, and I\u2019m going to enjoy that place.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Brandon: <\/strong>There is a requirement that our kids\u2019 greatest strengths have alter-egos. The places they\u2019re going to be at their best <em>means <\/em>that\u2019s where they\u2019re probably going to get into mischief; it\u2019s probably where there\u2019s going to be an error.\n\nMy energizer little boy, Daniel, is probably going to talk too much in school. He\u2019s probably going to talk back to us in the home\u2014and he\u2019s good for that\u2014multiple times a week. [Laughter] So then, the correction is, \u201cAlright; let me help you become a better version of that.\u201d At the same time, Daniel <em>isn\u2019t<\/em> as strong academically as his older brother; in fact, that\u2019s his area of challenge.\n\nThe trap of parenting, and we talked to lots of parents in this regard, is that they\u2019ll put more effort into <em>remediating<\/em> the academics than into adjusting who that kid is in their best areas, where they really are strong. Therefore, you start to see a shift in that light in the child\u2019s eyes in the way that kid will relate to their parent.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Now, how do you help the parents that\u2014and there\u2019s a lot of them\u2014because I\u2019m a high school football coach; I did middle school basketball. <em>Every<\/em> season, multiple parents would be so mad at us coaches; because we aren\u2019t playing their kid.\n\nWe\u2019re with them, and we\u2019re on the practice field\u2014they\u2019re not\u2014and they\u2019re not athletes; that\u2019s <em>not<\/em> their gift. It doesn\u2019t mean <em>anything<\/em> less about them. But their parents think this is\u2014or the way they want it to be\u2014they look at us like we\u2019re <em>crazy<\/em> when we say, \u201cHey, the reason he\u2019s not on the field\u2014he\u2019s <em>not<\/em> good enough.\u201d \u201cYou have no idea!\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cActually, we\u2019re with them for <em>hours<\/em> every day. We would <em>love<\/em> him to be on the field, but he isn\u2019t.\u201d\n\nYou talk about the frustration in that one chapter, about going from frustration to fascination. They are only frustrated; they cannot be fascinated with another gift.\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> How do you negotiate that?\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> I think the reality of parenting is that we can lose objectivity very easily and be highly subjective about who we see our kids to be, even if they aren\u2019t today.\n\nWhen we talk about spotting strengths in a child, we talk about looking for signs. We call them the Five E\u2019s. One of the Five E\u2019s is \u201cExcellence.\u201d We say that it requires third-party evaluation and \u201cOh, by the way, parent, you aren\u2019t that third party.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, that\u2019s good.\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> The reality is, as parents, we\u2019re invited\u2014especially when we think of the way God uniquely designs every person for His ultimate plan\u2014as parents\u2014we talk about this in the book\u2014our alignment with the Lord is to really gain: \u201cWhat is it that You <em>see<\/em> here?\u201d and \u201cWhat am I doing to further the mission that this child was <em>created<\/em> for?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Talk about the Five E\u2019s. You mentioned one of them, but these are Five E\u2019s of strength identification; what are they?\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> What we like to say with the Five E\u2019s is that even, if you don\u2019t use a personality test\u2014and we do have a couple in the book, and there are <em>many<\/em> out there\u2014these are ways you can spot strengths in your kids.\n\nThe first one is \u201cEnthusiasm.\u201d What do you watch your children drawn to? Where do their eyes light up? Where do you seem to notice they will make time\u2014whether you want them to or not to do these things\u2014because they\u2019re going to make room.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> As soon as you said that, a bunch of parents just said: \u201cVideo games. That\u2019s a terrible strength. All he wants to do is play video games.\u201d\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> Then, you start to ask: \u201cWhy? What is it about the game? What are they <em>drawn<\/em> to? What is it about the problem-solving, or the graphics, or the community they might be in that\u2019s drawing them to that activity?\u201d It\u2019s a great example today that kids can be drawn into that. I think there needs to be measure in how that goes.\n\nThe second one is really interesting to watch and see, and it\u2019s \u201cEasy: What do they seem to pick up naturally? What do they seem just to step into?\u201d\n\n<strong>Adalyn:<\/strong> \u2014effortless.\n\n<strong>Brandon: <\/strong>Yes; our now 15-year-old daughter, when she was 12\u2014this is Madeline\u2014she would go into the kitchen, and she would start putting ingredients together to bake things. The ultimate test of a good baker: \u201cDo you like what they bake?\u201d\u2014right? For her, it was clear; wouldn\u2019t you say?\n\n<strong>Analyn:<\/strong> It was. We bring up that example because Madeline took it upon herself one night to make cr\u00e8me puffs from scratch. [Laughter] I come home, and she literally delivers a plate of cr\u00e8me puffs that look like they were bought from the store.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Really.\n\n<strong>Analyn:<\/strong> She looked it all up. You had to boil the water before you mixed it with the flour to get the right consistency.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Cr\u00e8me puffs are <em>not<\/em> easy to master, especially the first time.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>No.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019ve never been able to master it, you know? [Laughter] It\u2019s amazing.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014every time you try.\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> I haven\u2019t even tried. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Neither has he.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Neither have I.\n\n<strong>Brandon:<\/strong> That second one becomes a <em>clear<\/em> signal.\n\nThat leads to the third, \u201cExcellence,\u201d\u2014third-party validated. We like to call that \u201cabove standard\u201d; this is sustained excellence. This isn\u2019t just, \u201cYou did it once\u201d; this is multiple times\/stand-out ability, which then goes to the kicker; it\u2019s \u201cEnergy: What is it, that once they\u2019ve completed it, they seem more energized than when they started?\u201d\n\nIf a strength <em>gives<\/em> energy, a weakness simply <em>depletes<\/em> it. When a child is doing something that they\u2019re working against themselves, you have two options to explore. One: \u201cIs this a potential strength they <em>could<\/em> grow with gentle instruction and encouragement?\u201d Or two: \u201cIs this potentially an area that you might call learned behavior? I need them to learn this subject so they have options for school, but they might not want to continue this subject after school.\u201d\n\nLearned behaviors are valuable because, in every job, there will be a part of the job that you must learn to complete the job that won\u2019t match your strengths. But knowing the difference between what energizes you and not\u2014that\u2019s self-reported\u2014you can\u2019t <em>tell<\/em> someone that\u2019s what it is.\n\nThe fifth is the fun one\u2014it\u2019s \u201cEnjoyment.\u201d This is where they enjoy something so much that, even when it\u2019s hard, you will find them continuing to press through. This is the test of resilience. We believe every parent has an opportunity, and I would say a responsibility, to teach our children not to give up when it gets hard. It just stands to reason that they have much more of an ability to do it when they\u2019re in an area of strength.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> These five factors are really what is at the heart of your book, <em>Play to Their Strengths<\/em>. It helps parents have a framework to work through so that you can be thinking: \u201cOkay; am I trying to mold my child into some preset mold that isn\u2019t who they are?\u201d or \u201cAm I understanding who my child is and helping to fertilize that so that they can be the best them\/the person God created them to be?\u201d\n\nI always come back here to Ephesians 2:10, which says your child is \u201cGod\u2019s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand\u201d for your child to walk in them. As parents, your job is to figure out: \u201cWhat are the good works that God prepared beforehand for my child to walk in?\u201d and \u201cHow do I help them get ready for that path?\u201d That\u2019s the strength of the book that you\u2019ve written, <em>Play to Their Strengths<\/em>.\n\nI want to encourage our listeners\u2014get a copy of this book; read it together as parents. Talk about how you can start implementing some of these ideas\/these strategies in your home\u2014how you can bring out the best in your child. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com to order a copy of the book, <em>Play to Their Strengths<\/em>, by our guests today, Analyn and Brandon Miller. You can order it from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to order: 1-800-FL-TODAY is the number. Again, our website is FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call to order the book, <em>Play to Their Strengths<\/em>; the number is 1-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\nWe need to say a quick, \u201cThank you,\u201d to those of you who, over the last several weeks, have responded to the matching-gift challenge that was in front of us, here at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, during the month of May. We had some donors who came to us and agreed that they would match every donation we received in May, dollar for dollar, up to a total of $345,000. We\u2019re still checking all of the final numbers to see if we actually were able to take full advantage of that matching gift.\n\nWe want to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d to those of you who donated\u2014and to those of you who joined us as new Legacy Partners\/monthly Legacy Partners\u2014thank you for standing with us, not just in what are challenging times for all of us, but standing with us, month in and month out, so that the practical biblical help and hope we provide here, on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, is available for couples all around the world throughout the year. We\u2019re grateful for the partnership. On behalf of those who will benefit from your investment\u2014and there are many of them\u2014thank you for standing alongside us, here at FamilyLife. We appreciate you.\n\nTomorrow, we want to talk about how, as parents, we can fertilize the parts of our children that are growing\/that are strong\u2014the areas that are thriving\u2014and how to not focus so much on trying to fix their weaknesses. Brandon and Analyn Miller will be back with us again tomorrow. I hope you can be back here as well.\n\nI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\n<hr \/>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. 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