{"id":306039,"date":"2020-05-25T07:00:05","date_gmt":"2020-05-25T11:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/what-do-i-do-if-my-wife-doesnt-trust-me\/"},"modified":"2020-05-25T07:00:05","modified_gmt":"2020-05-25T11:00:05","slug":"what-do-i-do-if-my-wife-doesnt-trust-me","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/what-do-i-do-if-my-wife-doesnt-trust-me\/","title":{"rendered":"What Do I Do If My Wife Doesn&#8217;t Trust Me?"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What happens when marital trust is broken? Brian Goins, Shaunti Feldhahn, and Ann Wilson talk about when a wife distrusts her husband and her heart turns cold, and how a husband can rebuild trust with his wife.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2020-05-25.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:25:21","filesize":"23.21M","filesize_raw":"24337273","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2901,2903,2831],"tags":[2877],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[3554,3274,3204],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306039","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-husbands","category-infidelity","category-wives","tag-marriage","cwp_profile-ann-wilson","cwp_profile-brian-goins","cwp_profile-shaunti-feldhahn","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306039\/what-do-i-do-if-my-wife-doesnt-trust-me","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306039\/what-do-i-do-if-my-wife-doesnt-trust-me","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"23CP3l2Z4o\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/what-do-i-do-if-my-wife-doesnt-trust-me\/\">What Do I Do If My Wife Doesn&#8217;t Trust Me?<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/what-do-i-do-if-my-wife-doesnt-trust-me\/embed\/#?secret=23CP3l2Z4o\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;What Do I Do If My Wife Doesn&#8217;t Trust Me?&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"23CP3l2Z4o\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"What happens when marital trust is broken? Brian Goins, Shaunti Feldhahn, and Ann Wilson talk about when a wife distrusts her husband and her heart turns cold, and how a husband can rebuild trust with his wife.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2020-05-25.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>There was a period, early in their marriage, when Ann Wilson wondered if her husband Dave was someone who could be trusted. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>What I think I did in my heart was I kind of shut down my heart. When you put your heart out there, it's kind of like: \u201cI'm handing you my heart, because I trust you with it. I'm trusting your word of saying that you're going to commit to this, and we're going to be together.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy heart got hard; and I no longer trusted him to care for it, because I felt like he wasn't putting the time or energy into caring for it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, May 25<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You\u2019ll find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. Rebuilding trust in a marriage relationship, once it's been challenged or threatened\u2014that takes some work\/that takes some time. We'll talk about how we do that today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Monday edition. Here in the United States, it's Memorial Day. Kind of an interesting Memorial Day because, in past Memorial Days, you might have had people over for a cookout; or you might have been on some kind of a road trip. Folks are trying to decide, \u201cIs that okay to do now?\u201d Some are; some aren't. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI've always loved when there's been kind of a three-day weekend, and there's been a travel trip. One of the things we do is\u2014I'll download some podcasts or some sermons to \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tlisten to, and as we travel, we listen to those things and talk about those things. It's something I look forward to.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>And Mary Ann is going to listen to the same things, so you're listening together?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We're listening together, and maybe debriefing on what we've heard, depending on whether she stayed awake. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>You guys are so productive on your travels.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, I love travel time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Me too; I love car trips.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, and I love being able to listen to things. If I'm just listening and doing nothing else, that feels unproductive to me. But if I can be driving and listening at the same time\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>You know what always happens when we drive? [Laughter] Why are you laughing? You know what I'm going to say? She loves to read me stuff!\u2014\u201cLet me read you this story.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>He hates it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>And I'm like, \u201cReally?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I'm like, \u201cI'm going to read my Bible out loud to you.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>So, being the good husband that I am, I'm like, \u201cI would love for you to read your Bible out loud to me for five hours.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, we thought today, since there are people traveling; and they're tuned in and they're listening to us: \u201cThank you for tuning in and listening to <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>as you travel or as you go about whatever you're doing, here on the Memorial Day holiday.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe started this past year the FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>podcast network. One of the podcasts that we feature, that a lot of people have started listening to, is a podcast called <em>Married with Benefits<\/em> that features Shaunti Feldhahn, best-selling author and speaker, and Brian Goins, who works here at FamilyLife<em>.<\/em> It's all about the questions that every husband is asking\/things he wants to know about his wife. They had you as a guest. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>They did, and I love them; I really love them. I really love Shaunti, and I've gotten to know her; she's pretty amazing. It was fun to be with them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>One of the questions that they tackled on this season was the question of: \u201cWhy doesn't my wife trust me?\u201d \u201cWhy is she suspicious?\u201d I don't know why they brought you on to be a guest on this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Why did they?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I have no idea. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Trust is an issue in a lot of relationships. Brian just introduced the subject as the podcast began, so let's hear a clip. This is from one of the episodes in the current season of <em>Married with Benefits.<\/em> \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[<em>Married with Benefits <\/em>Podcast]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> So the question is this: \u201cWhat happens when my wife says she doesn\u2019t trust me and she\u2019s growing distant or cold? What do I do?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, to me, the starting point\u2014and I\u2019d love to hear Ann address this because I know this is part of your story in <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em>\/in your book\u2014but when I hear that kind of question\u2014\u201cShe says she doesn\u2019t trust me anymore, and she\u2019s becoming distant; what do I do?\u201d\u2014like, \u201cWake up fast. Because that\u2019s a really big signal of something that\u2014it\u2019s something you need to take very seriously as a husband.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the biggest trends that we see\u2014in the research across all the different studies and, frankly, across more informal settings like when we do events\u2014is pretty often, we\u2019ll have a husband come up to us and say: \u201cMy wife just suddenly shut down,\u201d and \u201cShe says she wants a divorce,\u201d and \u201cI didn\u2019t even know we had such a big problem.\u201d It just didn\u2019t register that there was something\/such a big deal going on. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes there\u2019s been a reason for the lack of trust: you know, he had a pornography problem; he just didn\u2019t realize how big of a deal it was to his wife. Or he had become a workaholic; and she was like: \u201cI need you,\u201d \u201cI need you,\u201d and he just thought \u201cYou know, it\u2019s fine; we\u2019ve got to make sure we can provide for the family\u201d; and then she\u2019s done.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> And I\u2019m curious, because I know that\u2019s part of Ann\u2019s story as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Yes; so Ann, was there a time where it felt like, man, Dave was just clueless? I know we might be throwing Dave under the bus. I will say we talked to him yesterday; he\u2019s like, \u201cTell all these stories; they\u2019re in the book.\u201d So we\u2019re not sharing anything, and you\u2019re not going to be sharing anything, that has not already been vetted by Dave, which is very important for couples when they share stories: \u201cAlways get permission.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> But Ann, was there a time where it felt like, man, he was just clueless as to where trust had been broken? How did that develop in your story?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You guys really are describing our marriage\/our lives. Shaunti, I would agree with you; I think that guys\u2014when their wife is crying out, or complaining, or saying, \u201cWe need to fix this,\u201d\u2014they need to perk up their ears, because it\u2019s serious. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was really\u2014and I\u2019m sure some listeners have heard this story\u2014but it was our ten-year anniversary. I thought we were doing <em>terrible<\/em>. Dave was gone all the time; he was traveling with the Detroit Lions, because he was their chaplain. We had two little boys: a four- and a two-year-old. We had always been doing ministry together and, suddenly, he\u2019s just gone all the time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe were also starting a new church, and so he\u2019s at meetings; he\u2019s kind of helping start this whole thing, which was a dream come true for both of us. But I also felt like: \u201cYou\u2019re leaving us in the dust. Our boys don\u2019t know you anymore\u2014I feel like.\u201d I was saying those things to him\u2014like, \u201cDave, we need you.\u201d He\u2019s like, \u201cI know, but this is so important,\u201d and he was gone all the time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI started out so angry and I would yell; but I found that, after a while, I stopped yelling; and I started becoming really bitter. Then my bitterness turned to resentment; then my resentment turned to numbness, and I didn\u2019t even care. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s the thing you guys\u2014he thought we were doing great\u2014exactly what you said, Shaunti\u2014he thought we were like at a 10 [on a scale of 1-10]. I\u2019m like, \u201cWe\u2019re a .5; are you kidding me?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>But another example of that is\u2014this has actually happened to a friend of mine; they went through some financial hardship. They lost their home and had to move back in with his mother. The problem was that he didn't realize\u2014and I totally believe he didn\u2019t kind of get this\u2014he didn\u2019t realize that, from that moment on, he kind of started prioritizing his mother rather than his wife. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLiterally, I was asking her if\u2014I was giving her a gift of some kind; and she was like, \u201cOh I don\u2019t have any place to put this; because we\u2019re in the guest room in his mom\u2019s house.\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cWell, maybe she can just store it in the storage room.\u201d She\u2019s like, \u201cWell, I don\u2019t really have any status to ask that.\u201d I thought, \u201cOh.\u201d That\u2019s a signal that he\u2019s\u2014all of these ways, he\u2019s prioritizing his mom over his wife and not standing up for his wife. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, that\u2019s an extreme example: you\u2019re living with your in-laws. However, think through; there may be things like that, where you, as a husband, don\u2019t realize maybe you are sort of not standing up for your wife with a difficult situation with your parents or not protecting her in that way. That could also be broken trust.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Yes; I almost wanted to give the guys something to go: \u201cHey, here are the five or six things that are broken trust issues that we may not be thinking about.\u201d Like I\u2019m hearing you say: \u201cPrioritizing mom over the wife.\u201d Ann, I\u2019m hearing you say: \u201cI just don\u2019t feel like you\u2019re cherishing my heart. You\u2019re cherishing\/you\u2019re valuing something more than my heart.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat are some other things? Again, we know about porn; we know about affairs\u2014we\u2019ll get to that later\u2014but what are some other ways, where you go: \u201cThis is a signal of broken trust in that arena of my relationship\u201d?\u2014that a guy might not be thinking about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>The thing that occurred to me <em>immediately<\/em> when you said that Brian is, to some degree: \u201cHow you handle the kids.\u201d Women and men tend to have, sometimes, very different ways of handling the kids. Sometimes, a wife can feel your way of handling the kids is too harsh. That doesn\u2019t mean that you change everything you are as adad; dads and moms just handle things differently. But if she is consistently worried about that, in her mind, if you\u2019re hurting her children, you\u2019re hurting her and breaking some trust there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, that's an excerpt from the <em>Married with Benefits<\/em> podcast\u2014Brian Goins, Shaunti Feldhahn, and their special guest, Ann Wilson\u2014talking about the issue of trust in marriage. You know, we don't necessarily recognize how critical it is to maintain trust in a marriage relationship. When trust is broken, it's like there is a big crack in the foundation of your marriage; and that's hard to rebuild. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think it's one of the most important building blocks\u2014you know, obviously, we've heard that today\u2014but you're right, Bob; if it's been broken\u2014and it can be broken in a second\u2014and it takes days, months, years to rebuild trust. It's essential to do it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes; we have to be really intentional of working on that to build the trust back, and it's not easy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We're listening here to just excerpts from the complete episode of <em>Married with Benefits\u2014<\/em>this subject of : \u201cWhy doesn't my wife trust me?\u201d The whole season is about questions every husband is asking. I'd just point you to our website\u2014FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014if you want to listen to the entire episode. If you'd like to subscribe to the podcast and listen to all the episodes, you can; information about this and other podcasts available here, from us, at <em>FamilyLife. <\/em>Go to FamilyLifeToday.com and the information is available there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the areas that you got into, as you were having this conversation, was: \u201cHow do you diagnose, in your marriage, whether there's a trust issue going on?\u201d Brian, at one point, was talking about the fact that husband's have a sense about this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[<em>Married with Benefits <\/em>Podcast]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> I was thinking about this; and Ann, you started feeling cold. You mentioned the word, \u201cbitter,\u201d and that you just started getting resentful; you started pulling away. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would imagine if I\u2019m Dave\u2014because this happens with Jenn and I a lot\u2014is that I have this unbelievable super power, where Jenn can walk into a room, and I can take her temperature from across the room. [Laughter] I\u2019m like this\u2014it\u2019s like a meat thermometer but for a woman\u2019s heart\u2014she comes in and I can go: \u201cOkay, she\u2019s cold,\u201d and \u201cI need to find a warmer room, preferably with a TV and a bag of chips.\u201d I could see how this problem exacerbates because, when a woman gets colder towards a man, it\u2019s not like that signals to a guy: \u201cHey, let\u2019s move closer.\u201d [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo what is it that a guy\u2014I\u2019m hearing Shaunti say, first of all, \u201cWake up\u201d; but what else did Dave do to really help move towards that restoring?\u2014\u201cOkay, trust has been broken,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s been communicated\u2014\u201cI\u2019ve woken up. Now what do I do? Where do I go next?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And I\u2019ll just add that I really had a piece in this as well. Because I think what we can do, as women, is we can put all of our hope\u2014just as men kind of go out to their career and be a provider\u2014what I started doing is I took my eyes off of Jesus as my Provider, and Provision, and Security; and I put them on Dave. It was like I had a magnifying glass on him, and I started pointing out and seeing all the ways he wasn\u2019t making my heart feel secure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat Dave ended up doing, which was first of all, he said he repented\u2014he said \u201cI\u2019m not right with God. I need to get right with God. I need to apologize to you.\u201d Which even that\u2014an apology of saying \u201cI\u2019m hearing you right now, and I\u2019m really sorry that I haven\u2019t been listening.,\u201d\u2014that right there was like \u201cWhoa!; because before, we would just go into combat mode, where Dave would be defensive; I would be defensive. So for him, first of all, to apologize. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat ended up happening was we would go out for lunch. I was so amazed by this; because we would sit down for lunch or dinner once a week or once every couple of weeks. Here\u2019s what he would say: \u201cSo tell me how you think we\u2019re doing,\u201d and \u201cHow am I doing as a husband?\u201d I thought, \u201cAre you kidding me?\u201d\u2014that is the most vulnerable thing he could say. As he\u2019s kept doing that\u2014because he\u2019s like, \u201cI\u2019m going to be so bad; she\u2019s going to give me a 1 again,\u201d\u2014you know, out of a 1-10 [scale]\u2014\u201cHow are we doing?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut what happened was I saw that\u2014wow, just having that conversation; it was so simple just to ask that\u2014but that conversation made me feel more secure, like, \u201cOh, he means this; this is really important to him\u2014that he\u2019s going to the point of having conflict that could happen, and he would ask me that question\u2014that really began to restore my trust in Dave.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian: <\/strong>What was the thing for him that he was able to go: \u201cOkay, I woke up; I apologize.\u201d Walk through that quickly with us about how he did that with you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, and that was something that took a while, too, because Dave had been\u2014and let me add\u2014this was way back at the beginning of our marriage. He\u2019s really found victories; he\u2019s doing great. But in the beginning of our marriage, he kind of came in with this in his background. He went through a spell, where he was really kind of just hiding it from me; but I could tell something was off. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI kept asking him\/asking him; he said: \u201cNo,\u201d \u201cNo,\u201d \u201cNo.\u201d So then it finally came out, which I felt like, \u201cOh, well, you\u2019ve been lying all this time,\u201d\u2014which is really hard. But what ended up happening\u2014he would go through times of victory\/times of failure. This went on for a couple of years. I realized I was doing a terrible job of responding, which made him feel total shame. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat Dave ended up doing was\u2014he brought other men into his life and said: \u201cYou guys need to help me. I\u2019m hurting Ann; I want to be open with her.\u201d I think, when I saw him really attacking this\u2014when I realized this isn\u2019t an overnight fix; there are a lot of deeper issues that he\u2019s kind of getting into that needs to solve; which I had my own issues and created such insecurity\u2014but as I watched him pursue other men to get help\/pursue what was at the core of this, and he was committed to sharing this part of his life with me, and was open to giving me every device everything that he had\u2014and back then, we didn\u2019t even have it on any of our devices; but still, that really helped. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was amazed at Dave\u2014in my response, because I was so horrible\u2014that he continued to work on it. It really said a lot about his relationship with God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Well that\u2019s a big deal too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> That is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> I hope you\u2019re hearing that because, guys, this should not be dependent upon our wife\u2019s response.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014because some of us, as women, are not going to understand it and are not going to respond in a compassionate way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Right; and it also serves as, again, another wake-up call to go: \u201cIf she\u2019s not responding well, it\u2019s probably because the trust was pretty significant at what\u2019s been broken.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u201cDon\u2019t minimize it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> \u201cDon\u2019t minimize it. Keep moving on this path.\u201d I think\u2014and the whole idea of just waking up to the realization that this is a big deal\u2014repenting consistently with God and apologizing to your spouse; then continue to check in: How am I doing?\u201d \u201cAm I rebuilding trust?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And I would say this to men: \u201cIt was the most courageous thing I\u2018ve seen Dave do, because of my response.\u201d I did get better; because I realized like, \u201cOh, we\u2019re partners; I\u2019m his partner to get better.\u201d But to watch him\u2014like talk about respect\u2014I saw him battle this and want to win. I know it\u2019s kind of an up and down thing; but man: \u201cMen, I would say, \u2018Find some help; because this is an area, where I feel like Satan the enemy wants to destroy, not only our men, but our kids\/wives.\u2019\u201d It\u2019s kind of running rampant everywhere; I think we really need to go to battle with this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, again, we've been listening to a portion of a podcast produced by the FamilyLifepodcast network. Brian Goins and Shaunti Feldhahn, talking about questions that every husband is asking, with their guest, Ann Wilson: \u201cWhy doesn't my wife trust me?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou guys got into talking about workaholism; talking about how the kids are handled and whether a wife feels like she can trust her husband to take care of the kids when she's gone; you talked about boundaries with other women; there's a lot more on this podcast. You can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, and listen to the entire episode.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou get into this in the conversation, but is there a way to rebuild trust in a marriage relationship when that trust has been broken? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Absolutely. I've seen Dave rebuild trust, and I totally trust him with everything. He worked at it; he rebuilt trust. And part of it's not just Dave; but part of it is me, trusting God with Dave. That was a big piece of it, as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>And I think, you know, having walked through that\u2014every wife and every husband will walk through it daily\u2014there can be no secrets. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>It has to be an open book. I'm not sharing my stuff with a lot of people\u2014but with my wife and with a couple of guys in my life\u2014I have to. That's integrity; that's being trustworthy. Every man struggles\/every woman struggles: \u201cWho knows about those struggles?\u201d\u2014if it's only you, you're going down. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And you have to, as a wife, not freak out when he shares that: \u201cThis is something I'm struggling with.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>And I did freak out; I really did. I wish that I wouldn't have, but I also had to grow. I didn't understand it; I didn't know that it wasn't about me. By understanding it more, and understanding that this just can be a battle for men and women, it helped me to realize that: \u201cI want to be Dave's teammate in this; I want to be his partner, and I want to know everything that he's battling with, so that I can be his partner in it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I want to add that I think that trust continues to be built with consistency.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>That's true.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>You know, Ann has watched me set boundaries with women. I want to say: \u201cHey, I set that boundary 20 years ago; you can trust me.\u201d But it's like, \u201cNo, every day, I have to see it continually be built up.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I used to have an algebra equation for how you rebuilt trust\u2014it's \u201cC\u201d \u201cB\u201d over \u201cT\u201d\u2014it's Consistent Behavior over Time. When a wife, or a husband, can see their spouse consistently living in a new way, over a period of time, that's how trust is rebuilt. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes a guy will say to me, \u201cWell, how long is that time?\u201d And I go: \u201cWell, it's probably longer than you think it should be.\u201d There's probably a relationship with: \u201cHow long were you violating trust?\u201d or \u201cHow deep did the wound go?\u201d It's going to take a while if there's been a deep wound. If there's a violation of trust\u2014if there's been adultery in a relationship\u2014don't expect that two weeks of consistent behavior and your wife's going, \u201cOkay, I can trust him now\u201d; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I've heard\u2014guys have said to me\u2014that had an affair\/that committed adultery: \u201cI repented. She knows about it; she should trust me.\u201d I'm like: \u201cGive her your phone; give her your calendar; and it could be years\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u2014\u201c\u2019at least, months\u2014for her to go, \u2018Okay, I see; you really are a changed man.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; I'm thinking about an interview we did, years ago, with Chris and Cindy Beall, where there was a massive violation of trust in that marriage. It did take years, and it took commitment and perseverance for the trust to be rebuilt. Cindy wrote a book called <em>Rebuilding a Marriage Better than New<\/em>. It's a book that we've got in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center, where she talks about the process they went through in rebuilding trust. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, there's a link on our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, to the interviews we did with Chris and Cindy, where you can hear their story and hear about the process they went through in rebuilding trust. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about Cindy Beall's book, <em>Rebuilding a Marriage Better than New,<\/em> and for the link to the podcasts with the Bealls about rebuilding trust in their marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, this is what we're all about, here at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. We're about bringing practical biblical help and hope to marriages and families. If you're new to the ministry, go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about this daily radio program. You can subscribe as a podcast; there are articles available online. We've got a whole library of past programs you can listen to. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll of this happens because listeners, like you, help make it happen. Those of you who support this ministry regularly: \u201cThank you for making this content available to hundreds of thousands of people, every day, all around the world\u2014people who are coming to us for help and hope for their marriage.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis week, we're in the final week of a special matching-gift opportunity that has been made available to us, here at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Every donation we receive to help cover the cost of producing and syndicating this program\u2014we're entirely listener-supported\u2014every donation is going to be matched, dollar for dollar, up to a total of $345,000. We're hoping that listeners will help us take full advantage of this matching gift opportunity. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you can make a generous donation today, know that your donation is going to be matched, dollar for dollar. We'd love to send you, as a thank-you gift, a copy of Barbara Rainey's new book, <em>My Heart, Ever His<\/em>, a book of prayers designed to help you pray more effectively during challenging seasons, like the season we're living in right now.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you become a new monthly supporter of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>\u2014what we call a Legacy Partner, agreeing to make monthly donations\u2014in addition to Barbara's book, we'll send you a certificate so you and your spouse can attend an upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>marriage getaway when those resume this fall. You can make a donation or sign up as a Legacy Partner, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Thanks, in advance, for supporting us and helping us take advantage of this matching-gift opportunity. We look forward to hearing from you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we want to talk about how we can stay focused on the important things, the things that matter most when life is coming at us fast. How do we make sure we're winning at home in the midst of all the other priorities we're dealing with? Cory Carlson's going to join us. We hope you can join us as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. 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