{"id":306011,"date":"2020-05-15T07:00:05","date_gmt":"2020-05-15T11:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/women-out-of-control\/"},"modified":"2020-05-15T07:00:05","modified_gmt":"2020-05-15T11:00:05","slug":"women-out-of-control","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/women-out-of-control\/","title":{"rendered":"Women Out of Control"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Shannon Popkin talks about our tendency as sinners to want to be in control. She shares how letting go of control has improved her relationships and helped her rest in the Lord, on FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2020-05-15.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:33:49","filesize":"30.96M","filesize_raw":"32466528","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2822,2827,2831],"tags":[6448],"podcast_series":[8358],"cwp_profile":[9622],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306011","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-growing-in-your-faith","category-repentance","category-wives","tag-control","podcast_series-control-girl","cwp_profile-shannon-popkin","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306011\/women-out-of-control","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306011\/women-out-of-control","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"Nu0Sk0q7MG\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/women-out-of-control\/\">Women Out of Control<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/women-out-of-control\/embed\/#?secret=Nu0Sk0q7MG\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Women Out of Control&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"Nu0Sk0q7MG\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Shannon Popkin talks about our tendency as sinners to want to be in control. She shares how letting go of control has improved her relationships and helped her rest in the Lord, on FamilyLife Today.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2020-05-15.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Do you want to know if you are a controlling person? Shannon Popkin says, \u201cPay attention to the things you say and the way you say them.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> We often use our tongues, as women\u2014right?\u2014to control. That\u2019s our\u2014ooh, that\u2019s our\/that\u2019s a good one to\u2014you know, we can just slip in even a little sigh like [sighs]; you know?\u2014that\u2019s a control tactic! So if we want to chart a <em>new<\/em> course for our lives\/if we want to turn in a new direction, I say start with our words. James compares our tongues to a rudder; so if we want to go in a new direction, start with what we say. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, May 15<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I\u2019m Bob Lepine. You\u2019ll find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. If being a controlling person is an issue for you, maybe, the place you need to focus on is learning how to control your tongue. We\u2019ll talk more about that today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I\u2019m wondering if there has been a moment\u2014and Ann I\u2019m going to ask you this\u2014\u201cHas there been a moment in your 40 years of being married to Dave when you felt the most out of control\/when you felt like, \u201cI\u2019m not safe in this moment\u201d? Does anything come to mind? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You mean safe, in this moment, because what might come out of my mouth? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, I guess that\u2019s possible. [Laughter] I\u2019m thinking of some circumstance or situation that Dave was leading you into, where you were going, \u201cThis just feels <em>really<\/em> risky and threatening.\u201d It might have been him saying, \u201cLet\u2019s go skydiving.\u201d [Laughter] I mean, it could be that kind of thing; or it could also be him saying, \u201cLet\u2019s launch a church,\u201d or \u201cLet\u2019s\u2026\u201d\u2014I don\u2019t know what. Is there something that\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014comes to mind, where you go, \u201cThis is where I started to feel, \u2018This is really scary\u2019?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Dave is <em>great<\/em> in terms of he really has not gone out and done something without first talking to me and we\u2019ve really dialogued about it, so he\u2019s amazing at that; but there was one time when\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Uh-oh! I don\u2019t even know what she\u2019s going to say! [Laugher] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014he came home; and he said, \u201cHey, so we\u2019re having this campaign at church where we\u2019re raising money\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cto have this addition onto our church. This is what I feel like we\u2019re going to give.\u201d It wasn\u2019t so much of an ask; \u201cThis is what I\u2019ve committed to.\u201d I was thinking, \u201cAre you insane?!\u201d [Laughter] I\u2019m usually the one that\u2019s a little more generous, but this number was out of control. I just said, \u201cNo!\u201d\u2014like, \u201cThat\u2019s dumb; that is a dumb decision.\u201d [Laughter] So\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That was a fun conversation; I do remember that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014but I did say to Dave, \u201cI\u2019ve got to really pray about this to see\u201d\u2014like\u2014\u201cis this from God?\u201d\u2014which I really did trust Dave, hearing God\u2019s voice. That was probably one of the only times that I thought, \u201cNo; we are not doing this.\u201d I don\u2019t think I said it quite like that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dave:<\/strong> The bad thing is I had already told the church\u2014 [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Ooh! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right; that\u2019s\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014not the congregation\u2014but the leadership\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cWe\u2019re in.\u201d Then I\u2019m driving home, going, \u201cWhat in the world?! I haven\u2019t even talked to Ann.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cI should have talked to Ann about this.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So I sort of tried to spin it in such an <em>easy<\/em> way that she would just go, \u201cYes, that makes a lot of sense\u201d; and she went: \u201cWhat?! Are you kidding me?! We\u2019re not going to do that!\u201d [Laughter] I\u2019m like, \u201cYou know, she didn\u2019t know about it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We had a kid coming up to college and\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So you gave the money?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We did; I just felt like God said, \u201cYes, you need to step out on this.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We did, though, say this\u2014and I said to her, \u201cLet\u2019s take the night\u201d\u2014because I knew I could go back; it was just a couple people that I had said, \u201cI\u2019ll do this\u201d; because I wanted to <em>lead<\/em> our congregation and be able to say, \u201cI\u2019m not asking you to do something we haven\u2019t done; give sacrificially.\u201d We slept on it; maybe, we took a week. [Laughter] I don\u2019t think it was a day, but it was\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I can\u2019t remember. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014a couple days. Then you said, \u201cI\u2019m in.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So we did. You know, it\u2019s one of those stories\u2014God did end up blessing us, so it\u2014not just financially\u2014but it was a scary decision.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It was a few months later we found out a son got a full ride to college. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> Oh, wow. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That was like, \u201cOh, that\u2019s helpful!\u201d [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cWe can trust God after all.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You know, when you\u2019re talking about wanting to be in control, what you are really talking about is: \u201cDo I trust God in the middle of\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cvulnerable situations?\u201d That\u2019s what we\u2019re talking about this week. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShannon Popkin is joining us. I should mention we\u2019re talking about control with her this week. Next week, we\u2019re going to talk about something that you would say, Shannon, is, maybe, parallel to control\u2014in terms of if we\u2019re talking about besetting sins that women regularly struggle with\u2014control is one of them; what\u2019s the other one? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> Comparison. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, Shannon! [Laughter] You\u2019re just hitting all of our buttons right now. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So we\u2019ll talk about comparison next week, but we\u2019re talking about control this week. You shared with us already that you see this happening at the beginning in the garden with Eve; but as you looked at Scripture, you saw this control issue emerging with women in Scripture over and over again. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> Yes, when I recognized that, in Genesis 3:16, where God says, \u201cYour desire will be for your husband,\u201d\u2014when I recognized that that curse had to do with <em>me<\/em> wanting to take control, I thought: \u201cWell, if <em>I\u2019m<\/em> being affected by this curse, thousands of years later, if I go back to God\u2019s Word, surely, I can find some other women who were living out this curse; and maybe, I can learn from them. Maybe, I could find some mistakes to avoid, or I could learn God\u2019s perspective on this whole control matter.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s exactly what I found in Scripture. Woman after woman after woman was doing exactly what I was doing. They were trying to take matters into their own hands, trying to make it all turn out right according to their little, small-minded perspective; and they were making everybody miserable in the process. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, for example\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014you get to Abraham and Sarah. Of course, the first thing I\u2019m thinking of is God had said to them, \u201cYou are going to have a baby\u201d; and they weren\u2019t having a baby. Sarah said, \u201cWe\u2019ve got to take this matter into our own hands\u201d; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> Yes, yes. It says that Abraham listened to the voice of Sarah, and then that echoes back to the Word also says Adam listened to the voice of his wife Eve. In <em>both<\/em> cases, this <em>man<\/em> was being influenced by the voice of his wife, who was leading him in a direction that God didn\u2019t want to take their family. By speaking\/by probably nagging or trying to take control, the wife was not inviting her husband to listen to God. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And let\u2019s be clear here. We\u2019re not saying a husband shouldn\u2019t listen to the voice\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> No. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014of his wife; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> No, no. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s how a marriage works, when husbands and wives are listening to one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I can <em>understand<\/em> Sarah\u2019s dilemma. She\u2019s thinking, \u201cIt\u2019s been <em>ten years<\/em>.\u201d Maybe, she starts thinking, \u201cMaybe, God wants me to have a part in this.\u201d I think it\u2019s easy to kind of do\u2014we get in our heads, and we think, \u201cHow can I help God?\u201d\u2014instead of <em>surrendering<\/em> this to God and going to God. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat did Sarah do right, and what did she do wrong? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> Let\u2019s talk about what Sarah did wrong first, and then we can talk about what she did right. Sarah\u2019s idea was to invite another woman into the marriage, and this was a customary practice; but this was not God\u2019s plan. God had promised that Abraham would have a child with Sarah. Hagar was Sarah\u2019s idea; she said, \u201cI\u2019ll give my handmaiden to you, and you can have a child through this handmaiden.\u201d So Ishmael\u2014this was not the son of promise. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s this scene where, finally, Sarah does have a baby\u2014baby Isaac\u2014who is the child of promise; and there is this scene, where Isaac is\u2014they are throwing a party. Isaac is weaned, and they are celebrating his life. There is this time where Ishmael is kind of picking on Isaac; they\u2019re about 13 years apart. Ishmael is a teenager; he\u2019s picking on Isaac, and it\u2019s pretty ugly. Sarah steps in; and she says, \u201cGet them out of my house.\u201d She talks to Abraham; and she says, \u201cI want this handmaiden and I want her son out of our lives. Send them away.\u201d The amazing thing is God reinforces that; He tells Abraham, \u201cYes, that\u2019s what I want you to do.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think that it\u2019s this moment when Sarah, for the first time, recognizes that she has introduced a <em>threat<\/em> into her family. You know, Abraham and Sarah are old; they are going to die soon, and these two boys are going to be living in the same family. This older one is <em>always<\/em> going to be picking on the younger one, and this promised son is always going to have this threat. By stepping in\/by inserting herself, Sarah has created a <em>threat<\/em> to God\u2019s plan. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs women, I think we do the same thing. As controlling wives and moms\u2014especially as moms\u2014we try to control our kids. We try to bring them to church, and we try to make them do churchy things, and we try to iron out all the poor behaviors that we see in their lives. By taking control, I think what we do is we produce false imitation sons. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Here is how you say it in your book, <em>Control Girl<\/em>\u2014you say, \u201cI think controlling women produce some of the godliest-looking families in the church.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I read that and I thought, \u201cOuch!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But you go on to say, \u201cWe want our loved ones to inherit the future God has promised to His children, but what if we are producing slaves and not sons?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> So true. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think we have to pull back and go, \u201cAre we creating behavior-modified rule-followers or people\u2014young men and women\u2014who, from their heart, are choosing to follow God? Are they just under our control and being compliant?\u201d If that\u2019s what you\u2019ve got, then the college years are going to be a real rollercoaster for you because, when they are no longer under your thumb, they go, \u201cNow, I get to do what Mom would never let me do before.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> Yes, I remember one time\u2014my son, as a teenager, wanted to go to a different church. That was not okay with me; I was frustrated by that because I had this idea of like: \u201cOur family: we all sat together in church. I want to see my kids all lined up next to me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI wondered, \u201cWhat would I do with the questions of people asking, \u2018Well, where is your son?\u2019\u201d all the time. He had made friends at a different church, and he wanted to go to youth group there. That was hard for me; I had to wrestle with God over that. Ultimately, we laid that down, and we let him go to a different youth group. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know what? He\u2019s walking with the Lord, and I\u2019m really thankful that we gave in. I mean, that\u2019s not even a big deal\u2014we were <em>letting<\/em> him go to church\u2014you know? [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014at another church, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI know when Ann and I\u2014it\u2019s been 33 years since our first son was born\u2014but I picked up a book then; I can\u2019t tell you the author. It was\u2014the title was <em>The Dangers of Growing Up in a Christian Home<\/em>. I remember just seeing the title and going, \u201cI\u2019ve got to read this, because I didn\u2019t grow up in a Christian home; but now, I\u2019m leading one.\u201d I thought, \u201cWhat are the dangers that I\u2019m going to bring, as a Christian husband and dad, to our family?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was <em>really<\/em> interesting. It said the research says the worst thing you can do, if you want kids to walk with Jesus when they are adults, is control. That was the number one parenting style that lead to bad results. Now, they\u2019re not saying total permissive parenting is the answer; but if there is a balance of truth and grace\u2014I\u2019d never heard that one before\u2014it\u2019s the person of Christ\/truth and grace. If there is a balance, it leads to a better result. I remember reading that, thinking, \u201cOh my goodness!\u201d\u2014because our tendency is to control our kids, especially as they get into teenage years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe biggest learning of that book was, at some point, they\u2019ve got to find <em>their<\/em> faith, not <em>your<\/em> faith. That\u2019s the hardest thing for a parent to let happen\u2014it\u2019s like: \u201cI can\u2019t control them anymore. I\u2019ve actually got to let them fall and make hard choices so that they <em>own<\/em> the faith, not Mom and Dad\u2019s faith.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think it gets to what you\u2019re saying; right? I mean, even that decision to let your son go to another church\u2014that\u2019s a <em>hard<\/em> control\u2014to let go of that; but in the end, it\u2019s the best result; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, it\u2019s one of the things we talk about in the <em>Art of Parenting<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><\/em> video series. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There comes a point in our\u2014as we are raising our kids\u2014in their development, where we transition from being the control agents in their lives to being coaches and consultants in their lives. A coach doesn\u2019t control the player on the field. The coach <em>coaches<\/em> the player and calls a time out and says: \u201cHere; we\u2019re going to run this play. We\u2019re going to do this\u201d; but ultimately, he can\u2019t control what that player is going to do in the moment. He can bench the player, which you may need to do with your teenagers from time to time; right?\u2014they get grounded, or they get a time out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut the parent, who is trying to treat a 15-year-old the way you treated him when he was a 5-year-old, is a parent who is headed for trouble. The issue is probably a bigger control issue with <em>you<\/em> than it is a disobedience issue with your child. Now, again, I don\u2019t know all your circumstances. We\u2019re saying something that I don\u2019t want people to misapply; but I think a lot of parents have 16-year-olds, and they are still trying to treat them like 6-year-olds. You can\u2019t be that controlling parent with a 16-year-old. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> You know, ultimately, God wants to be the God of our children; and eventually, we\u2019re not going to be in that parent role, and God wants to <em>parent<\/em> our children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You end your book with five lessons that have helped you turn the tide in terms of this control impulse in your life. We\u2019re just going to walk through them quickly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> Okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The first one is a reverse of the curse; so it\u2019s going from \u201cYour desire will be for your husband\u201d\/\u201dYour desire is to be in control,\u201d to a different kind of desire. What\u2019s the new desire? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> \u201cThe desire that God would be in control.\u201d In those <em>big<\/em> situations, like you are talking about\u2014in the neonatal care unit, where the life of your child is at risk; those are <em>big<\/em> things that we have to lay down and surrender to God\u2014but also, our heart is trained in the little-by-little moments\u2014you know, like we\u2019ve talked about\u2014\u201cWhat am I going to say?\u201d \u201cWhat am I going to watch on television?\u201d \u201cAm I going to limit myself [with] my relationships, where my relationship with my husband is the one relationship that I cling to and not a relationship outside of my marriage?\u201d\u2014things like that\u2014little-by-little choices, where I surrender to God\u2019s plan\/to God\u2019s idea of what is good, instead of my own. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> As you are saying that, I\u2019m thinking of Philippians 4:8, which says: \u201cThink on these things; the things that are pure and noble\u2026\u201d If, in marriage, we thought on those things about one another\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014instead of dwelling on what is wrong, and what is blameful, and what is messed up\u2014if you thought on what is pure and lovely and just make that your focus\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014which is number three. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Let\u2019s do two and then three\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s correct. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014but that\u2019s \u201cCap the red pen\u201d; right? But let\u2019s talk about two, which is \u201cTame the tongue.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> \u201cTame the tongue\u201d\u2014yes; choosing what I am going to say. Again, like letting God direct my words rather than <em>me<\/em> be the one. Our tongues\u2014we often use our tongues, as women\u2014right?\u2014to control. That\u2019s our\u2014ooh, that\u2019s our\/that\u2019s a good one to\u2014you know, we can just slip in even a little sigh like [sighs]; you know?\u2014that\u2019s a control tactic! So if we want to chart a <em>new<\/em> course for our lives\/if we want to turn in a new direction, I say start with our words. James compares our tongues to a rudder; so if we want to go in a new direction, start with what we say. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Then the third one, Dave mentioned, is \u201cCap the red pen.\u201d That\u2019s: \u201cDon\u2019t circle everything that everybody is doing wrong\u201d? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> Yes, scribbling red ink all over our loved ones. You know, if they have the information, it\u2019s\u2014and we can continue to give the information over, and over, and over\u2014it\u2019s probably turned into a control tactic. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Then on number four, you say, \u201cLive within limits.\u201d What\u2019s that mean? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> Yes, God has given us limits. In the garden of Eden, there was only one off-limit thing; it was this one tree. Now, we don\u2019t see correctly; we live in this era of blindness; and things look good to us, which God says are not good. Things look <em>bad<\/em> to us that God says <em>are<\/em> good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have to <em>defer<\/em> to God and live within the limits\u2014the limits of marriage. Even in a 24-hour day, we have bodies that need sleep. Going to bed on time\u2014that\u2019s a surrender\u2014that\u2019s training my heart to live in the limits that God has given me. Also, my food\/my entertainment choices, how I choose to spend my money: these are all ways that I can train my heart to, rather than give into myself, to be like Jesus and say, \u201cNot my will but Yours be done.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The last one is: \u201cTo be respectfully his.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> Yes, in the marriage, especially. You know, this curse started with Eve and her husband. I think this is one of the primary relationships in life. We <em>love<\/em> our husbands so much, and we\u2019re <em>so<\/em> passionate about these men in our lives. For us, laying down control often means laying down control of our husbands. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> One of the ways that I\u2019ve done that over the years is by really trying to apply Romans 12:1, which has always been a favorite verse to me. Paul says to offer your bodies as a living and holy sacrifice. So in the morning, when my alarm goes off, it\u2019s just become this <em>habit<\/em> of hitting the alarm and saying: \u201cGod, I give You this day. I surrender myself to You.\u201d I picture myself on an altar: \u201cI give You myself, Lord. I give You my words, my thoughts, my actions; and let me live them as You would,\u201d\u2014because if I don\u2019t do that, I\u2019m going to live them in control and trying to protect myself. That could be a good application for all of us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And it may be that listeners, this week, have thought, \u201cOkay, I thought I had an anger issue; but it\u2019s really a control issue,\u201d or \u201cI have seen how my desire for control is leaking out of the cracks of my life, and I need the Lord\u2019s help.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMaybe, Dave, to your point, the first thing they need to do is just ask about their own relationship with the Lord: \u201cDo I have a relationship with Jesus? Have I ever surrendered my life to <em>Him<\/em>?\u201d That\u2019s the starting point for all of this. To try to become less of a controlling person in your own power, that can work for a while; but you can\u2019t sustain that over a lifetime without the work of the Holy Spirit in your life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>You go to our website at FamilyLifeToday.com; there is a link there that talks about what it means to have a relationship with Jesus. Maybe, as you\u2019ve been listening, you\u2019ve thought, \u201cI don\u2019t know if that\u2019s true for me\u201d; go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click on the link and find out about the two ways to live and \u201cWhich is the way God would have you live?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, while you\u2019re there, find out more about Shannon\u2019s book, which is called <em>Control Girl<\/em>, which we\u2019ve got in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. Read this on your own or read it with other women. You can order it from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShannon, thank you for being with us and for helping us unpack this issue. Great to have you here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon:<\/strong> Thank you. Thanks so much for having me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Again, the book we\u2019re talking about is called <em>Control Girl<\/em> by Shannon Popkin. Order from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to get a copy. We\u2019ve also got a link on our website to Shannon\u2019s website, where you can follow her blog and find out more about resources she has available; leaders\u2019 guides for the studies that she\u2019s done are available there. Again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com to order a copy of the book, <em>Control Girl<\/em>, by Shannon Popkin; or call1-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, you can find out more about the <em>Art of Parenting<\/em> video series when you go to our website as well. Find that at FamilyLifeToday.com. It might be a great series for you to go through with other parents over the summer or plan to go through it with your small group next fall. Again, the information is available, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019ve heard us talking, this month, about the matching-gift opportunity that\u2019s been made available to us, here at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. We\u2019re excited about this. We\u2019ve already heard from many of you who have said, \u201cWe want to support what you\u2019re doing and help you be ready for the summer months ahead.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDavid Robbins, the president of FamilyLife, is here with us. If it were not for Legacy Partners, and those listeners who give from time to time, <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> would not be here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> It\u2019s true. I\u2019m not only grateful for Legacy Partners and ministry partners of FamilyLife; I <em>love<\/em> our partners because they have our heart; they share our passion. I received this email recently\u2014she says, \u201cBeing a long-standing Legacy Partner is just a small way I can give back and say, \u2018Thank you,\u2019 for being there for me when I hungered to be taught the Lord\u2019s way for my family, my marriage, and my parenting.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd listen to what she says here: \u201cI hope and pray that in some small way my pledge is being used to touch and impact a current young struggling wife or mother, whose heart is to strive to be all that she can be in the Lord as she seeks the will of God for her family and for her home.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Let me just say that\u2019s <em>exactly<\/em> what your donation is doing: you are helping reach <em>more<\/em> young moms and young dads and those who need the help and hope that others provided for <em>you<\/em> when you were in that season. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Yes, and this is our small part in the body of Christ in building God\u2019s kingdom; Psalm 145 says, \u201cOne generation shall commend Your works to another and declare Your mighty acts.\u201d Thank you for all of you who are faithful donors and Legacy Partners, who allow us to, every day, bring practical biblical help and hope to some many. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWith the matching-gift opportunity we have this May, we are midway through the month. I just want to ask you, \u201cIf you\u2019ve not had the chance to give, to consider giving today to help your gift be doubled and to reach more homes and double the impact of your gift; because we want to keep passing God\u2019s truth to the next generation of families.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014yes, right now and through the end of this month. Again, any donation you make to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is going to be matched, dollar for dollar, up to that total of $345,000. Help us take advantage of that match; please. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd if you become a monthly Legacy Partner right now, every donation you make over the next year is going to be matched, dollar for dollar, until that matching-gift fund is depleted; so your giving will go even <em>farther<\/em> when you become a Legacy Partner. New Legacy Partners will receive, as a thank-you gift, a certificate to attend an upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway. Those are going to be starting again in the fall, Lord willing; right?\u2014that\u2019s our plan. That gift card is our gift to you when you become a new monthly Legacy Partner. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhether it\u2019s a one-time donation or whether you join as a new Legacy Partner, thank you, in advance, for helping us take advantage of this matching-gift opportunity. Donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Everybody who donates will receive, upon request, a copy of Barbara Rainey\u2019s brand-new book, which is called <em>My Heart, Ever His<\/em>. It\u2019s a book of prayers that we can pray during very difficult times. It\u2019s a <em>great<\/em> book\/a beautiful book, and it\u2019s our gift to you when you donate today and help us take advantage of the matching gift. We hope to hear from you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you have a great weekend. I hope you and your family are able to, somehow, connect together and worship with members of your local church. On Monday, Shannon Popkin is going to be back with us again. Instead of talking about being a control girl, she\u2019s going to talk about the whole issue of comparison and how that can be a trap for any of us that we fall into. I hope you can tune in for that on Monday. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. Have a great weekend. We will see you Monday for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. 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