{"id":306008,"date":"2020-05-14T07:00:04","date_gmt":"2020-05-14T11:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/the-desire-to-control\/"},"modified":"2020-05-14T07:00:04","modified_gmt":"2020-05-14T11:00:04","slug":"the-desire-to-control","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-desire-to-control\/","title":{"rendered":"The Desire to Control"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Shannon Popkin tells how she finally came to realize she had a control issue. She explains how acknowledging God&#8217;s sovereignty, has helped her reign in her controlling tendencies and walk in the Spirit.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2020-05-14.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:30:16","filesize":"27.71M","filesize_raw":"29056054","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2822,2827,2831],"tags":[6448],"podcast_series":[8358],"cwp_profile":[9622],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-306008","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-growing-in-your-faith","category-repentance","category-wives","tag-control","podcast_series-control-girl","cwp_profile-shannon-popkin","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/306008\/the-desire-to-control","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/306008\/the-desire-to-control","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"6CLtLD85fR\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-desire-to-control\/\">The Desire to Control<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-desire-to-control\/embed\/#?secret=6CLtLD85fR\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;The Desire to Control&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"6CLtLD85fR\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Shannon Popkin tells how she finally came to realize she had a control issue. She explains how acknowledging God's sovereignty, has helped her reign in her controlling tendencies and walk in the Spirit.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2020-05-14.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>There is a line between helping one another in marriage and micromanaging your spouse. Shannon Popkin says she eventually came to a point in her marriage where she realized she had crossed that line.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon: <\/strong>I didn\u2019t know that, when I was constantly picking at him about the way he would leave his whiskers in the sink in the bathroom or not clean up the protein powder on the counter in the kitchen\u2014constantly all these nit-picky little things, where he wasn\u2019t doing it right, and I didn\u2019t trust him\u2014I was over, and over, and over communicating a measure of disrespect to my husband. I didn\u2019t even\u2014I was just trying to make it turn out right!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, May 14<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You\u2019ll find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. Have your attempts to help your spouse crossed a line? Have you become a controlling person? We\u2019ll explore that subject with Shannon Popkin today. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I think, Dave, you and I should probably just say <em>nothing<\/em> for the rest of the time; don\u2019t you think? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I don\u2019t know what you\u2019re thinking, Bob. I want to <em>control<\/em> this interview. [Laughter] You want me to be quiet? I can be quiet if you want me to.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think there may be other people here who would prefer to control what\u2019s going on here. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Are you talking to me? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cAre <em>you<\/em> talking to <em>me?\u201d<\/em>\u2014that\u2019s what that sounds like, right? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon: <\/strong>I know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We\u2019re going to be talking about the issue of control; and it\u2019s not that guys can\u2019t be control freaks, <em>but<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Bob, I think you better stop right there. [Laughter] You\u2019re going to go in some deep waters!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Do you guys not struggle with wanting to control situations?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Maybe it\u2019s because, by default, guys often do. Maybe we just look at it and we\u00a0 just live in a culture, where it\u2019s just assumed guys will take control or they\u2019re supposed to or something. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI have just observed that this idea of wanting to be in control of your environment\u2014wanting to be in control of your safety and everything\u2014this seems to be an issue that women I have known in my life have\u2014[Laughter]\u2014and I\u2019m not thinking of\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>You\u2019re trying hard, Bob, to say this in a very complimentary way. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Can we just stop this conversation?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>And I think I\u2019m really <em>good<\/em> at taking control of things. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Honey, you really are. I\u2019ve never met a better woman in control of things than right now.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh, it\u2019s so sad, because this really is a struggle of mine; and I think it is to a lot of women.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>It\u2019s going to be great, because it has been\u2014we\u2019ve said it here on the air many times\u2014a struggle in our marriage. To talk about this, I think a <em>lot<\/em> of people\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Thanks, honey. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u2014well, not just: \u201cMy wife\u2019s the most controlling woman I know,\u201d\u2014it isn\u2019t that; no, it isn\u2019t that at all. We <em>both<\/em> struggle with it; I think a lot of people do. That is a tension in probably all marriages, so let\u2019s go!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Shannon Popkin is joining us to help us have this conversation. Shannon, welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon: <\/strong>Thank you so much.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Shannon is a wife and a mom from western Michigan, the other side of the state from where you guys live. She is an author and a speaker and has written a book on this subject; I presume because you recognized, at some point, this was an issue for you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon: <\/strong>Yes; not immediately, though. I didn\u2019t realize that I had any control issues. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014which, I think that\u2019s interesting, because I would have said the same thing. If Dave said, \u201cYou\u2019re trying to take control,\u201d I was thinking, \u201cNo, I\u2019m just a leader! I\u2019m good at this!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon: <\/strong>Right! \u201cI\u2019m just invested; I\u2019m just trying to make it turn out right!\u201d That\u2019s, I think, in general, what women feel about taking control.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, a lot of people, who have read this book, have said, \u201cI picked this up, kind of for somebody else; [Laughter] so I could give advice or kind of vet it for somebody else, and recognized that maybe this is something that I struggle with more than I realize.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The book we\u2019re talking about is a book called <em>Control Girl<\/em>. You say in the book that you thought your issues were more anger-related than control-related, and then you got a wake-up call about that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon: <\/strong>Yes. No, anger I definitely recognized. I was reading books about anger and asking friends to hold me accountable, and anger was something I didn\u2019t like. I saw it in myself, and I didn\u2019t like it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut one day, I was driving in the car and listening to Dee Brestin on the radio, on a program kind of like this. She was talking about how we have these surface-level sins that kind of bubble to the surface. We see these sins and we recognize them; but sometimes they\u2019re <em>tied<\/em> to this core, underlying sin. She mentioned the sin of control. I think she also mentioned in there anger. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was the first time that I had ever considered: \u201cI think maybe my anger is a result of this underlying desire that I have to take control. I\u2019m getting mad, I\u2019m losing my temper, because of something that I want control of and I can\u2019t get it.\u201d It was the first time I ever tied those together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFrom that point on, I started asking myself, \u201cOkay\u201d\u2014when I would feel the anger rising\u2014\u201cOkay, is there something I\u2019m trying to control here?\u201d or \u201cIs there something that I <em>feel<\/em> I am losing control of?\u201d More often than not, the answer was, \u201cYes\u201d; I was trying to control something.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>How would you say or how did Dee say, \u201cControl is a sin\u201d? Because part of me thinks control\u2019s good: I\u2019m leading; I\u2019m taking charge of my life. Yet you\u2019re saying that\u2019s almost underneath this anger thing; it\u2019s a sin\u2014explain that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon: <\/strong>Yes; well, control is wrong when we\u2019re taking control of something that is not ours to control. I think, ultimately, if we\u2019re trying to take God\u2019s place\u2014if we\u2019re trying to play God\/if we\u2019re trying to insert ourselves as God\u2014God\u2019s the One who\u2019s ultimately in control. He manages the details and He oversees the circumstances. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYes, when we\u2019re talking about our share, we should take control\/we should take responsibility.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The fruit of the Spirit is\u2014self-control.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon: <\/strong>Self-control; that\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Self-control is a healthy thing. It\u2019s when we\u2019re trying to control <em>other<\/em> people, trying to control circumstances that are beyond our control, trying to control our environment when that\u2019s not our job to do; that\u2019s when, all of a sudden, it starts to get ugly. We\u2019re really rebelling against God\u2019s providence when we\u2019re trying to take control in those situations, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon: <\/strong>Yes, there\u2019s kind of an irony with this. We tend to want to control the things that are not ours to control, and then we tend to lose control over ourselves in the same process. [Laughter] Anger, for me\u2014I was <em>constantly<\/em> losing my temper in anger\u2014but it was because I was trying to control the things that were not mine to control.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>What did that look like in your life, when you were trying to get control, and you started kind of analyzing this and listening to yourself\/watching yourself? Where did this play out?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon: <\/strong>I\u2019d be driving in the car, and my kids are arguing in the back seats. I would be like, \u201cBe quiet! I\u2019m trying to drive here,\u201d\u2014right? Or I\u2019m on the phone, and I don\u2019t want the person on the phone to hear my kids yelling in the back; I\u2019d be getting like, \u201cBe quiet!\u201d I\u2019m getting angry instead of pulling the car over, or asking the person if I can call them back, and taking responsibility as a mom, like, \u201cLet\u2019s train my kids here!\u201d I was losing control.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, that\u2019s an example of something that is mine control. As a mom, I should manage my children and I should train them to not be screaming at each other and cause me to have an accident in the front seat, right?\u2014that\u2019s part of my job. But ultimately, I can\u2019t control all of the contingencies\/all of the details.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>What is it about driving a car that deals with control?\u2014because you <em>don\u2019t<\/em> have control of other people.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I\u2019m not sure women deal with the <em>car<\/em> as much as our <em>spouse<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon: <\/strong>Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Do you think that\u2019s true?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon: <\/strong>Yes; he has the control, and I\u2019m trying to control him as he controls the vehicle; right?!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember reading <em>For Women Only<\/em> by Shaunti Feldhahn and going out for a date with my husband afterward. I had just read the chapter on not disrespecting my husband, and there was an illustration about driving and instructions. I decided to put that into practice. I decided to, on the way to the mall, not give him <em>any<\/em> instructions.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen we got there\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Did you make it there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon: <\/strong>It was novel for me! We did! We made it there! He did not choose the route or the parking spot that I would have chosen, but he did it without me. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen we got inside and we sat down at our booth, I decided to not correct his menu choices or not to sit where he wanted to sit. I just decided, \u201cI\u2019m just going to ride shotgun here on this date.\u201d He looked into my eyes and said, \u201cThis has been the <em>best<\/em> date!\u201d [Laughter] It was this novel, amazing thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, as women, when we take control, especially in our marriages, we don\u2019t realize that we\u2019re communicating a level of disrespect toward our husbands. I didn\u2019t realize that. I didn\u2019t know that, when I was constantly picking at him about the way he would leave his whiskers in the sink in the bathroom or not clean up the protein powder on the counter in the kitchen\u2014constantly all these nit-picky little things; or in parenting, he wasn\u2019t doing it right; and I didn\u2019t trust him\u2014I was over, and over, and over communicating a measure of disrespect to my husband. I didn\u2019t even\u2014I was just trying to make it turn out right!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I can so relate to your situation, because I was doing the same thing. Interestingly enough, I read Shaunti\u2019s book as well, <em>For Women Only<\/em>. What it does is it takes you on a journey of helping you to see what you\u2019re doing\u2014that you\u2019ve been doing a long time that you didn\u2019t notice\u2014is very controlling and disrespectful. I started gauging my words. Yes, I was always nit-picking; I was always <em>fixing<\/em> Dave of what he didn\u2019t do or did do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhere does that control, for us as women, where does that come from?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon: <\/strong>I think it starts in the garden of Eden, when there was that tree in the middle of the garden. I think it\u2019s really interesting God put that tree in the middle, right? When I don\u2019t want my kids to have something, I don\u2019t put it in the middle of the counter or the middle of the room; I tuck it away where they can\u2019t see it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Hide it!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon: <\/strong>Right; so why would God put that tree in the middle? Maybe they were brushing past it on a daily basis. I think that tree posed a question. As they brushed against it, God was asking a question, \u201cWill you live in daily surrender to Me?\u201d He is God, and we are not; so when Eve took that fruit\u2014she reached out\/she took the fruit\u2014and instead of living in surrender to God, she took control for herself. She bit into the fruit, and she became what I call the first Control Girl.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen God spoke a curse over the whole planet, but there\u2019s a little phrase in the curse that is centered on Eve. It says, \u201cYour desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.\u201d I always thought that was a sexual desire; it made no sense to me, because I thought, \u201cIf women had more of that, their husbands would not consider that a curse!\u201d [Laughter] It didn\u2019t make <em>any<\/em> sense.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember listening to a sermon once by John Piper, and he was explaining that verse and explaining that this desire is a desire for control. It\u2019s a desire\u2014there\u2019s parallel language in the next chapter\/in Genesis 4, where God\u2019s speaking to Cain\u2014and He\u2019s saying, \u201cSin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you; you must rule over it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you take that meaning back to Genesis 3, you just kind of picture the woman, as like the crouching animal, desiring control\/wanting to pounce on her husband\u2014but not just her husband\u2014this curse that we live under affects our marriages, our parenting; it really has its fingers in all of our relationships. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I have a hypothesis that what\u2019s behind that\u2014you know, we\u2019re talking about the sin behind the sin\u2014I think a lot of women have this thought, and men have it too\u2014again, we\u2019re not trying to be exclusive\u2014but we want to control because we have the illusion that\u2014if we\u2019re in control, then we\u2019re safe; that if we are in charge, then things won\u2019t go wrong\u2014because we\u2019ll be there to make the right decisions.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s an illusion, because life is not safe; right? Circumstances can come at you that you can\u2019t handle. Safety is found when you\u2019re surrendered to Christ; it\u2019s not when you\u2019re in control. Yet, this is the idea that: \u201cIf I\u2019m going to be secure\/if I\u2019m going to be safe, I have to be in charge.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon: <\/strong>Yes; Bob, I think this is really particularly an issue with American women\u2014because American women have rights; and we have money; and we have medical; we have insurance\u2014so I just think that the fa\u00e7ade is thicker. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, God gives us these opportunities, where He kind of cuts in\/leans in, and gives us these things that we <em>cannot<\/em> control. He might give us a child that we can\u2019t control; He might give us difficulty in our marriage; He might\u2014you know, it\u2019s the cancer diagnosis or the accident\u2014there are these moments in life, where it just becomes painfully obvious that we\u2019re <em>not<\/em> in control.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThose are invitations\/invitations to reorient ourselves and remind ourselves that He ultimately is in control, and we are not; and that is a good thing! It does not bring deep security, and peace, and joy to think of myself as the one in control. I <em>feel<\/em> like I\u2019m going to create this peace and security; that\u2019s why I reach out and I try to take control. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI totally agree with what you\u2019re saying. From the parking lot, to where the kids are going to go to school\u2014to all of these different contingencies\u2014I\u2019m trying to manage them; because I have an idea in my mind of what the happy ending looks like.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon: <\/strong>I feel like it\u2019s all up to me to keep everything pointed in this direction. But this fa\u00e7ade is not leading me anywhere that I want to go; because little by little by little I\u2019m becoming a more controlling woman, and it\u2019s not pretty.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Talk about how this\u2014you\u2019ve already mentioned it\u2014\u2014but I know, in our marriage, this almost did us in\u2014the control thing that I felt as a husband. You talked about it a little bit, but it is a big deal in marriages because\u2014and men can do it as well, right?\u2014it isn\u2019t just a women thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen our book came out, <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em>, there\u2019s a chapter in there called \u201cAll I Hear Is Boo,\u201d and it was all about\u2014I\u2019ll cut to the chase, because we\u2019ve told it so many times\u2014but I felt that Ann just booed me when I walked in the house; I got applauded everywhere else. So guess what a man does?\u2014he doesn\u2019t want to come home; he wants to go.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Some of that was control. The thing that buzzed around the internet, when Ann wrote a blog about that, was that topic; so many people are like: \u201cOh, that\u2019s my marriage,\u201d \u201cThat\u2019s my marriage.\u201d You knew this was resonating with, especially husbands, going: \u201cYes! I\u2019ve never connected \u2018Boo\u2019 or control to disrespect; but that\u2019s what it feels like.\u201d You both talked about it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHow does a woman\u2014we could talk to the men too\u2014but how does a woman get to a place, where she backs off, like you did that one day in the restaurant? That was an hour or two. How does a woman <em>live<\/em> that way to really trust her marriage and her man to God and let go of control?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon: <\/strong>I realized, early on, that I had to back up to\u2014you know, you talked about that moment that the husband comes through the door; that wasn\u2019t the moment that I had to start with. I had to back up to the moments, throughout the day, when I was thinking about my husband; and I was coming across the whiskers in the sink or the protein powder on the counter, and I had all these little noises I would make\u2014like: \u201cCrr!\u201d and \u201cPfft!\u201d\u2014and all these little frustration [noises]\u2014\u201cRr! I can\u2019t believe he put the sheets on sideways!\u201d\u2014all of these moments.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn those moments, those were the ones where I had to choose to respect my husband; that\u2019s our instructions in the Word. It\u2019s not a conditional commandment that wives respect their husbands; we\u2019re asked to respect our husbands without contingencies. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn those moments, that I would come across things that were frustrating to me, choosing in those moments: \u201cYou know what? I can turn these sheets the opposite direction\u201d; and rehearsing in my mind all the ways that I love my husband, and all of the wonderful things about him, my gratitude; and recapturing those words, \u201cOut of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks\u201d; so doing the work in the heart, and putting a filter in my heart over how I thought about my husband\u2014that was really key\u2014but then, also, in the way that I speak to him, especially when there\u2019s something that I disagree with.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I would totally concur and agree with you, because that\u2019s where it started for me as well. As I was trying to get ahold of this and handle talking to God about this, I\u2019ll never forget this day: I\u2019m folding clothes, and I had just been in this pattern and habit of complaining about Dave in my head. As I was folding the clothes, I felt this small voice of God whisper to me, \u201cWhat would happen if you would pray for him as much as you complained about him?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was one of those moments that stopped me in my tracks. I was kind of in an argument with God, like, \u201cI don\u2019t <em>complain<\/em>\u201d; and then I started thinking, \u201cI <em>do<\/em> complain about him.\u201d I started to try to get in this habit: \u201cLord, how do You want me to see him?\u201d and \u201cHow can I get control of my mind, of taking every thought captive?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt took me awhile. Did it take you awhile, Shannon?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon: <\/strong>Oh, yes; I mean, I\u2019m still working on it. You know, we\u2019re only talking about this problem in the past, as long as it\u2019s the past five minutes, right? [Laughter] It\u2019s something I\u2019m still definitely working through.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut also, when you get to the conflict moments\u2014when there is something that you really disagree about\u2014inviting my husband to lead in those moments when we disagree; that I feel like has really revolutionized our marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I have to presume\u2014and I\u2019ll ask both of you ladies this\u2014I have to presume that the impulse to control is still there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon: <\/strong>[Laughter] Oh yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> In our manual for the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, part of it says that \u201cGod will take away the desire to control.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I\u2019ve told the ladies, \u201cGod hasn\u2019t taken away that <em>desire<\/em>, because that\u2019s still there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u201cBut the question is, \u2018Will I <em>act<\/em> on it?\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It has <em>less<\/em> of an impact on you today than it had ten years ago; you\u2019ve learned how to <em>respond<\/em> to the desire. So what do you do when the impulse hits today?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon: <\/strong>You know, over and over, we have the option of caving in to ourselves or caving in to the Holy Spirit\/choosing control for ourselves or choosing to let God be in control. That has to do with the big situations in life that cause great anxiety, and pain, and struggle; or that has to do with the little choices in life, like, \u201cWhat am I going to say?\u201d \u201cWhat am I going to eat?\u201d \u201cWhat am I going to watch?\u201d I\u2019m either caving in to <em>my<\/em> desire for control or my desire that God be in control. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLittle by little by little, as I make those choices, I\u2019m choosing a trajectory for my life. I\u2019m either headed towards the path of becoming an older controlling woman or I\u2019m headed towards becoming a beautifully surrendered woman of God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I think, too, it\u2019s been amazing to see the fruit of holding my tongue; because I have done damage to Dave and our three sons, years ago, of just letting my words have their full go, and full fury, or full fixing mode. It made everyone kind of pull away from me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve realized, as God has helped me to stop my words that come out, that I\u2019ve seen this awakening, almost, \u201cWow, Mom! We like being around you!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon: <\/strong>Yes, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Trying to speak words of life instead of words of critique\u2014I think has made a big difference in our home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I would just add\u201440 years of being married to this amazing woman\u2014she\u2019s doing that; she\u2019s living that, and it\u2019s the most <em>beautiful<\/em> thing. As a man\/as a husband, watching our sons, <em>life<\/em> came to our soul.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI have\/we all have to do the same thing; but when it came back to her being able to step back and say: \u201cI\u2019m going to trust God with my men,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m going to trust God with this situation.\u201d We all have to do that; we all have a tendency to take control\u2014sometimes we need to\u2014but most of the time, we need to go: \u201cGod is bigger,\u201d and \u201cI can keep quiet,\u201d or \u201cI can let my man lead,\u201d or \u201cI can let my\u2026\u201d and \u201cI\u2019m going to <em>trust<\/em> him.\u201d There\u2019s <em>life<\/em> that comes to the home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shannon: <\/strong>Yes\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Shannon, one of the things you do in the book, <em>Control Girl<\/em>, is you identify women in Scripture and the control issues that they had. I just want to encourage listeners\u2014get a copy of this book; go through it with other women. It would be a great women\u2019s Bible study book to go through together; or maybe you just need to read it with your own highlighter and just say, \u201cEvery time God speaks to [me], just underline right there.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to FamilyLifeToday.com to order a copy of Shannon Popkin\u2019s book, <em>Control Girl<\/em>; or you can call us to order. Our number is 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com if you\u2019d like to order a copy of the book, <em>Control Girl<\/em>, by Shannon Popkin; or you can order by calling 1-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, don\u2019t forget: tonight, at eight o\u2019 clock, there\u2019s a small group meeting that\u2019s happening. That\u2019s eight o\u2019 clock CT; it\u2019s happening online. Dave and Ann Wilson are going to be hosting a three-week-long small group on their video series, <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. You can go to FamilyLifeToday.com for information on how you can join the small group. Watch the first session of the video; then join in with people from all across the country. Dave and Ann are going to be leading the group and have a conversation. If you\u2019ve been looking for something to do tonight\u2014looking for something that will help <em>strengthen<\/em> your marriage\u2014this is a great opportunity. Again, eight o\u2019 clock CT; the information is available, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is just one of the ways we are trying, here at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, to stay connected with you and help you connect with one another during a challenging era\/a challenging season in our history. We want to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d to those of you who help make the ministry of FamilyLife possible\/help make all that we\u2019re doing here at FamilyLife happen\u2014that\u2019s those of you, who are our monthly Legacy Partners, and those of you who will, from time to time, donate to support the ongoing work of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>\u2014we could not do all that we\u2019re doing if it weren\u2019t for you, and we are <em>so<\/em> grateful.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNot only are we grateful; but I wish you could hear from the people, who are getting in touch with us, thanking us for all that is available through this ministry. Really, it\u2019s <em>you<\/em> they should be thanking\u2014those of you who support us\u2014and we\u2019re <em>so<\/em> grateful, again, for your support.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you can make a donation today to help continue the ongoing work of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, we\u2019d love to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d by sending you Barbara Rainey\u2019s brand-new book, which is called <em>My Heart, Ever His<\/em>. It\u2019s a collection of prayers designed for difficult, challenging seasons in our lives\/how to be honest with God in the midst of those seasons. We\u2019re in one of those seasons right now.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe book, again, is our thank-you gift when you donate today. Go online at FamilyLifeToday.com to donate, or call 1-800-FLTODAY. Again, thank you for partnering with us in the work of this ministry. We appreciate you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we want to talk about some of the control tactics that are used occasionally, including how we speak to one another. How do we tame our tongue and back off on trying to control the people around us? Shannon Popkin\u2019s going to be with us again tomorrow. I hope you can be here as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/306008","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=306008"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=306008"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=306008"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=306008"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=306008"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=306008"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=306008"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}