{"id":305895,"date":"2020-04-01T07:00:05","date_gmt":"2020-04-01T11:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/communication-tools-that-work\/"},"modified":"2020-04-01T07:00:05","modified_gmt":"2020-04-01T11:00:05","slug":"communication-tools-that-work","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/communication-tools-that-work\/","title":{"rendered":"Communication Tools That Work"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Rob and Gina Flood talk about the communication skills they learned that turned their isolated marriage into a relationship of true oneness. Together they help couples understand how implementing these tools\u2014first response, prayer, physical touch, mirroring, and proper timing\u2014can take their communication from a C- to an A+.<\/p>\n<p>Show Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tFind resources from this podcast at https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/.<br \/>\n \tCheck out all that&#8217;s available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.\u00a0 https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Rob and Gina Flood talk about the communication skills they learned that turned their isolated marriage into a relationship of true oneness.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2020-04-01-r.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:32:49","filesize":"45.07M","filesize_raw":"47263430","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2082,2902,2862],"tags":[4299],"podcast_series":[8347],"cwp_profile":[9593],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-305895","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-resolving-conflict","category-understanding-differences","tag-faith","podcast_series-with-these-words","cwp_profile-rob-and-gina-flood","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/305895\/communication-tools-that-work","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/305895\/communication-tools-that-work","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"qakCv8dV2b\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/communication-tools-that-work\/\">Communication Tools That Work<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/communication-tools-that-work\/embed\/#?secret=qakCv8dV2b\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Communication Tools That Work&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"qakCv8dV2b\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Rob and Gina Flood talk about the communication skills they learned that turned their isolated marriage into a relationship of true oneness.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2020-04-01r.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Have you ever, in the middle of marital conflict, called a timeout\/taken a break? Rob Flood and his wife, Gina, say that\u2019s a great technique to employ when we\u2019re not communicating well with one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>Just because a conversation has started doesn\u2019t mean it has to end. If it goes south, it doesn\u2019t mean you have to keep going in that direction. You can pause; go to your neutral corners, if need be, for 15\/30 minutes. Come back together; say, \u201cI don\u2019t know how the conversation\u2019s going to go, but I\u2019m ready to take your hand now.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gina: <\/strong>I think those ten or fifteen minutes, how you use that time, is key. If you use that time to nurture bitterness\/anger\u2014rehearse unhelpful, unkind words\u2014you\u2019re going to come back and you\u2019re still not going to be ready to continue or move forward in the conversation. I think that time really needs to be used with the Lord, and laying that out there before the Lord, so that He can soften you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, April 1<sup>st<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You\u2019ll find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. There are tools or strategies we can employ, as husband and wife, that can help us do a better job of loving one another when we\u2019re not communicating well. We\u2019ll talk about what those are with our guests, Rob and Gina Flood, today. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I forget where I saw this or heard it, but somebody had an illustration one time\u2014there was a couple pictured in conflict with one another\u2014they\u2019re shouting at each other; and somebody says, \u201cYou need to calm down.\u201d The other person says: \u201cI can\u2019t calm down! I\u2019m just angry!\u201d Then the phone rings, and the person who\u2019s in the middle of it\u2014you\u2019ve seen this; right?\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014[In a pleasant voice] \u201cHello.\u201d All of a sudden, \u201cHello,\u201d\u2014something about the phone ringing or the doorbell\u2014they can, all of a sudden, stop the anger that they were in.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>We all do it; we all do it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We\u2019re talking this week about communication and about how we can do better in marital communication; because if you\u2019re not communicating well, you will be in isolation in marriage. Communication is one of those fundamental skills we spend time, at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> getaway, talking about communication all weekend long; because this is not something that we receive a lot of formal training in. Yet, there are some things that the Bible says about communication that can absolutely be a paradigm shift for your marriage and move you from isolation back toward oneness.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re got Rob and Gina Flood to talk about this. Rob\/Gina, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gina: <\/strong>Thank you!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>Thanks for having us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Rob and Gina were a part of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> staff back a decade ago. Rob has written a book called <em>With These Words<\/em>, where you unpack five communication principles or tools that you learned over the course of your marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve talked about a couple of the tools this week. The tool of First Response, which you said was the ability of the other person in a communication engagement\u2014the second person really determines how that engagement\u2019s going to go\u2014right? How you respond to whatever your spouse says determines whether things escalate or de-escalate.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>You know, one of the great things about that principle\u2014a lot of people don\u2019t talk about that\u2014because you always think, if somebody starts something, you just respond and it goes somewhere\u2014but when you\u2019re in a marriage or you\u2019re in a situation, and your spouse or somebody says something that hurts or starts to escalate\u2014right now, because I now have this tool of First Response, I\u2019m now in decision mode.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>There\u2019s a lot of power you have right there, Dave; there\u2019s a lot of power.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes, I have a choice to make! It isn\u2019t, \u201cI have to react\u201d; it can be like: \u201cWait, wait. I\u2019m the first responder. I\u2019m going to determine where this goes.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, everything in me is going to say, \u201cOkay, here we go,\u201d; but maybe it\u2019s like, \u201cOh, no; I\u2019m going to pause; I\u2019m going to pray,\u201d\u2014which is the second tool\u2014and it could change everything.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Prayer, as you said, is that second tool; and that\u2019s praying <em>for<\/em> our spouse, that\u2019s praying <em>with<\/em> our spouse, and making that central to what we do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe third tool you talk about is the power of Physical Touch. There is something in reaching out and taking the other person\u2019s hand in the middle of communication that somehow changes the scope of our communication. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>Yes\u2014not only in the middle of communication\u2014if you know you\u2019re going to be sitting down to a difficult conversation, taking someone\u2019s hand\u2014or it could just be sitting close, where you\u2019re touching; it could be we\u2019re on opposite sides of the couch, but her legs are stretched across mine\u2014some type of nonsexual, intimate touching, where it\u2019s safe and you\u2019re connected.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen the conversation starts to go south, the first thing you\u2019ll notice is that you shift your position so you\u2019re not touching. It won\u2019t be raised voices, typically; it won\u2019t be harsh words. You want some distance to make room for the sin you\u2019re planning to deliver. [Laughter] It\u2019s instinctive; it\u2019s hard to stay intimately connected to somebody you\u2019re about to attack.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, when you realize, \u201cWe\u2019ve stopped touching,\u201d it\u2019s time to call, \u201cTime out,\u201d and apply tool number two: \u201cPray that the Lord would restore unity. Somehow we\u2019ve started to get on different sides of this thing.\u201d Pray, reconnect, and start over again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gina: <\/strong>You know, I have noticed, over the years, that if I feel like I <em>want<\/em> to move away, I will tell him; because I could <em>force<\/em> myself to sit\u2014I mean, here I am with the guy who created this tool; right? [Laughter] There\u2019s no way I\u2019m moving!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>And you want to say, \u201cDon\u2019t touch me!\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gina: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. There\u2019s no way I\u2019m releasing his hand or moving my feet, so I will tell him\u2014I\u2019ll say, \u201cOkay, I <em>want<\/em> to release your hand; so let\u2019s back up and figure out where we are.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You guys actually do this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So you are close enough that you are taking one another\u2019s hands as you are talking. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Yes, absolutely. We\u2019ll sit at the same table. All the Italians do their serious conversations at the kitchen table. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes it\u2019ll be on the couch. If we are talking in the car we\u2019ll reach across the console and take hands if it\u2019s going to be a difficult conversation. Or if we sense I didn\u2019t expect this to be hard but it\u2019s starting to get hard let\u2019s take hands and let\u2019s start to monitor how we are doing in this conversation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There is something profound and powerful about this but you imagine a couple in a situation if it\u2019s escalated and if one spouse says, hang on, come here. Let me hug you for a minute. There is something de-escalating just about that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>It is important to say that this tool ought not be forced on a spouse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>It could be that you\u2019ve gotten to a place in the conversation that applying this tool\u2014the opportunity for it was 20 minutes ago. You don\u2019t want to force this on somebody. There are other tools we can start using that can really help once things really blow up; but if the spouse is open to it, it\u2019s very restorative\/very de-escalating.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; is there ever a time you feel like it\u2019s too early? I\u2019ve said something that\u2019s really hurt her\u2014hypothetical, because I\u2019ve never done this\u2014[Laughter]\u2014or I\u2019ve been hurt by her; and she\u2019s reaching out to say, \u201cLet\u2019s hold hands as we\u2026\u201d; and I\u2019m like, \u201cI can\u2019t; I\u2019m hurt.\u201d Maybe ten minutes\/fifteen minutes, there\u2019s a moment, where like: \u201cOkay, she heard my hurt. She\u2019s starting to realize how hurt I am,\u201d and then there\u2019s a\u2014so I\u2019m asking you and, then, I\u2019m going to respond. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, I\u2019m not feeling like I\u2019m being disobedient; but I\u2019m just not ready to touch her hand yet, because I\u2019m really living in pain. Talk about that. Could it be too early? I love the fact that you say, \u201cAsk; don\u2019t just force it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>Yes; ask and be honest. I\u2019m thinking, in that illustration you just gave, the greatest mistake we make is we actually aren\u2019t honest in love. We\u2019re honest in anger: \u201cYou hurt me; I\u2019m not allowing you in to do that.\u201d But wait a second; if you can be honest in love and say, \u201cI know what you\u2019re doing there, and I appreciate it; I\u2019m not ready for it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s okay; call a timeout. Just because a conversation has started, doesn\u2019t mean it has to end; right? If it goes south, it doesn\u2019t mean you have to keep going in that direction. You can pause; go to your neutral corners, if need be, for 15\/30 minutes. Come back together; say, \"I don't know how the conversation\u2019s going to go, but I\u2019m ready to take your hand now.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gina: <\/strong>I think those ten or fifteen minutes\u2014how you use that time is key. If you use that time to nurture bitterness\/anger\u2014rehearse unhelpful, unkind words\u2014you\u2019re going to come back, at the end of those ten to fifteen minutes, and you\u2019re still not going to be ready to continue or move forward in the conversation. I think that time really needs to be used with the Lord, and laying that out there before the Lord, so that He can soften you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s so good, because you\u2019re absolutely right. In a timeout, somebody can go: \u201cOkay, this is a recess from the court proceeding. I need to get my notes together and put my case together so that, when we come back, I\u2019m ready to persecute and prosecute more,\u201d instead of saying: \u201cOkay, I have a timeout. I\u2019m going to spend time with the Lord. \u2018Lord, what do I need to do in this situation?\u2019 and \u2018How should I approach this?\u2019\u201d Time in the Scriptures\u2014even opening the Bible and just reading passages from Scripture as you process this\u2014and let the Lord soften your heart.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m guessing that both of you are not stuffers\u2014who, in conflict, will just kind of go quiet on each other\u2014but that you\u2019re both expressive with one another\/passionate people?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>We are expressive and passionate. We aren\u2019t yellers, but we\u2019re both very articulate and eager to be so. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gina: <\/strong>Now, he\u2019s far more articulate than me. That was something that I needed to learn, when we were first married; because we would have conversations, and he was so articulate and so persuasive. Every single one\u2014I would <em>lose<\/em> every single conversation. Until, finally, after a time, I\u2019m like: \u201cWait a minute; wait a minute; wait a minute. I think this is just how he\u2019s communicating.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think we had one conversation, where I said: \u201cUh-uh. No, no, no. I am right, and we\u2019re not done with this conversation until you agree that I am right.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>But she did say, \u201cWe have to slow down, so my mind can figure out why.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gina: <\/strong>Yes; he needed to learn\u2014that\u2019s so good, babe\u2014because we needed to learn how to communicate with each other. He needed to learn that I need that time to process what he\u2019s saying; I\u2019m not going to come up with a quick response. I need silence, so I can think about what he said. He needed to learn to get <em>comfortable<\/em> with that silence; so that, I could have that space and time to think and not be anxious or angry because I was being forced to come up with an answer so quickly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>And you need to give your spouse, or the other person in this communication or conflict, time; right? The question is, \u201cHow long?\u201d I know for Ann and I\u2014she would be you, Rob\u2014she would be better and quicker to know what she\u2019s feeling in this conflict. As we\u2019ve said earlier, she would blurt it right out, without thinking.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>And I would know what I felt right away\u2014I know what I\u2019m feeling; I know what I did feel; and I think I know what I\u2019m going to feel tomorrow; you know? But I would say to Dave: \u201cWhat do you think? What do you feel? What\u2019s going on?\u201d He would say, \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gina: <\/strong>That was too many questions.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Exactly!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I can remember, early in our marriage, she would just say, \u201cSo what do you feel right now?\u201d I felt like, \u201cI\u2019m the dumbest guy in the world, because I don\u2019t know.\u201d She would be like: \u201cYes, you do! You know you know! What is it?!\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cI actually don\u2019t know.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut guess what? I discovered I knew an hour or two hours\u2014sometimes I knew after a good night\u2019s sleep. We had this idea that Ephesians 4\u2014\u201cDo not let the sun go down on your anger,\u201d\u2014meant that you couldn\u2019t ever go to sleep without resolving this thing. I realized one night, at nine o\u2019 clock\u2014I\u2019m like, \u201cThe sun already went down; I have till tomorrow night!\u201d [Laughter] You know, \u201cI\u2019ve got a whole almost 24 hours.\u201d But no; it was like: \u201cIf we can talk about this in the morning, I will know what I feel; and now we can communicate.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut you don\u2019t want to let it go a week; right? You have to deal with it pretty quickly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>It goes into that bigger picture: \u201cWhat are you a part of?\u201d If you realize we\u2019re building something for decades, it\u2019s okay if the conversation takes an extra day.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; let\u2019s talk about the last two tools. The tool of Mirroring\u2014explain what that is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>That\u2019s slowing a conversation down enough to make sure what has just been said to me is understood in the way it was meant. Gina will say something; oftentimes, couples\u2014including us\u2014can end up fighting about something that was never really meant to be communicated. Gina will say something; if I read tone or intention into that that\u2019s not accurate, I end up having an argument with a woman I\u2019m not even across the couch from, because she didn\u2019t even mean that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf we find ourselves tripping over communication regularly, this can be a great tool to put into place. Gina says something\u2014she says, \u201cYou know, Rob, I\u2019d love for you to come up with a plan to work with one of our kids.\u201d I\u2019m hearing, \u201cYou think I\u2019m failing,\u201d\u2014and so\u2014\u201cWhat about the plan I came up with last time?\u201d I just responded in a harsh way, that\u2019s escalated, and took this in totally different direction than she was hoping. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe tool would say: \u201cOkay, so are you saying that I\u2019m failing, again, as a dad?\u201d \u201cNo, no, no; that\u2019s not at all what I\u2019m saying.\u201d This tool is <em>only<\/em> successful if we give the power of interpretation to the person who actually said it. If she realizes, \u201cOkay, I chose the wrong words; because Rob\u2019s giving me a meaning I didn\u2019t intend,\u201d I\u2019m giving her a chance to restate it\/to say it differently.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I love it how you talk about this in the book. You said, early on, when you started trying to practice this technique of mirroring, you would say something; and Gina would say, \u201cHere\u2019s what I hear you saying,\u201d and you\u2019d hear it back and you\u2019d go, \u201cThat sounds harsh, and that sounds rude.\u201d You tried to re-explain, and she\u2019d say, \u201cWell, this is what I\u2019m hearing now.\u201d \u201cWell, that sounded harsh and rude.\u201d It took you awhile to recognize, \u201cI\u2019m sounding harsh and rude!\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>Right! She was right; she was right. She was interpreting me far better, even, than I was; but she was patient to let me try four or five different times instead of saying, \u201cYou idiot,\u201d and then escalating. \u201cNo, we\u2019re going to keep working this tool. We\u2019re going to keep doing this, because we trust that God\u2019s going to work through this\u201d; and He did, but it took my dense head four or five times to hear, \u201cWait a second; maybe she\u2019s right.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The last tool you talk about is the tool of Proper Timing. This is an important part of making sure we\u2019re going to be heard well; isn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>It is; it flows out of those four words in Ephesians 4: \u201c\u2026as fits the occasion.\u201d There\u2019s actually a time\/a right time for words. If this is an important conversation, we need to have it at the right time: \u201cHave I just come back in from work? Am I just acclimating to the family?\u2014is that the right time?\u201d \u201cAs she\u2019s getting dinner prepared,\u201d or \u201cAs we\u2019re getting our youngest ready for bed, is that the time to crack open into a big conversation?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And \u201cAm I ready to express myself in a godly way?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>That\u2019s absolutely right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cHave I prayed about this? Have I really meditated on what\u2019s the best way to say this?\u201d\u2014rather than just\u2014\u201cI\u2019m feeling it right now; therefore, we must have this conversation right now.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gina: <\/strong>\u2014because you may feel different. If you have to wait, that is God directing you\u2014for whatever reason, God is directing you\u2014and sometimes that may be because God has things to do in you before you have that conversation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>There are times, when something invades our family\u2014a crisis or where you just can\u2019t choose the time\u2014where this tool becomes unhelpful; you just don\u2019t get to use this tool. Then is the best time to take hands with the tool of Physical Touch, to pray, and to deal with this thing that can\u2019t be put off. Sometimes the timing can\u2019t be altered, but the other tools are there to help.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gina: <\/strong>There was a time, where we had been doing these tools\u2014sometimes consciously; sometimes unconsciously\u2014but he is a night person; I am a morning person. I am not a night person; so we\u2019re lying in bed, and he\u2019s telling me about a struggle that he\u2019s having. I\u2019m so tired! [Laughter] I\u2019m like: \u201cOkay, honey, can you just tell me what you want? Do you want me to ask you questions and draw you out?\u2014or can I just tell you what your sin is?\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>What was your answer?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>Oh, I wanted the latter; because I needed to get there eventually. [Laughter] I knew what she was saying: I knew it was late; I was struggling and felt like, \u201cOkay, I want the counsel of my wife; but I don\u2019t have time for her careful counsel\u201d; so she just went for the zinger.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gina: <\/strong>We wouldn\u2019t have done that earlier in our marriage, but we are in a place, by the grace of God, that we can have that now.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Hey, let me ask you\u2014I had a phone call with a woman yesterday\u2014she\u2019s been married 15 years. She\u2019s been working on her marriage with a husband that has been not very involved; he hasn\u2019t been applying a lot of the truths you\u2019re talking about. They both go to church; but in her words, \u201cI\u2019m really the one doing everything, and I\u2019m tired and I\u2019m weary of being the only one that\u2019s working on our marriage.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat would you two say to that person, that\u2019s listening, thinking, \u201cI\u2019m tired of being the only one, because my spouse really isn\u2019t investing anything\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>Not knowing her situation specifically\u2014just broadening and generalizing that\u2014first of all, I want to have compassion on that; because that\u2019s a real place. There are lots of couples out there, where each spouse is not shouldering an equal weight. I\u2019d also want to encourage her that she belongs to a Savior, who sees, and who knows, and is eager to give her a double portion of grace to shoulder the load that\u2019s been given her as she walks with Him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen to encourage her on the ways we\u2019ve seen her grow\u2014to let her know that all of this labor is not in vain. I don\u2019t know if this one has children or not, but how it\u2019s setting a wonderful example, where the kids will remember a mom who was careful with her words, a mom who woke up each day and was willing to walk with Jesus and entrust this difficult marriage to the Lord.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would also encourage her, if she hasn\u2019t done it already, to ask her husband if they can go for help\u2014if they can bring this up in a small group, where there could be a mentor there that could help, or a pastor that could sit and help walk them through some things\u2014bring some help, equipping, and accountability to her husband that doesn\u2019t have to come through her. Those are the some of the thoughts that come to mind.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; I love everything you\u2019ve written in your book. I think these tools are very, very practical, biblical; they\u2019re really going to help couples. You know, as I got to the end of your book, one of the things I loved was the vow\/sort of the communication vow. I thought, \u201cWhy don\u2019t you read it?\u201d This is something we should post on our website, and couples can put up on the fridge or frame it and remind themselves of the vow of communication. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong><em>With These Words, <\/em>a \u201cCommunication Vow\u201d: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWith these words, I will seek to build you up rather than tear you down. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWith these words, I will do all I can to reiterate what you mean in a way that honors and respects you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWith these hands, I will touch you caringly, seeking unity, even through the hardest conversations. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWith these eyes, I will look on you tenderly, avoiding judgment and scorn. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWith these ears, I will listen intently to understand what you\u2019re trying to say. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWith this heart, I will seek to love the Lord first and foremost, loving you all the while. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWith these words, I will share grace, mercy, and forgiveness as it has abundantly been shared with me by our Savior. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWith God\u2019s help, our communication will draw us more closely together for the good of our home and the glory of God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gina: <\/strong>You do that so well. We didn\u2019t start there, but you do that <em>so well<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s the message\u2014that: \u201cIf you\u2019re not there, you can get there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cYou can move from where you are to a place where this is how you\u2019re going to communicate with one another: by applying God\u2019s Word, with the power of the Holy Spirit, humbling yourself, saying: \u2018This is what we want. This is what both of us are aiming for, so let\u2019s approach our communication differently. Let\u2019s do it differently than our passions tell us to do it, than our instincts tell us to do it, than our family baggage tells us to do it. Let\u2019s do it the way the Scriptures tell us to do it, and let\u2019s watch the transformation happen in our relationship.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGuys, thank you for the time; great to see you. Thanks for writing the book.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gina: <\/strong>It has been such a treat!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Great to have you guys here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gina: <\/strong>Good to see you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, you too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have copies of Rob\u2019s book in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. Go online to get a copy of <em>With These Words: Five Communication Tools for Marriage and Life<\/em>. You can order it from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-FLTODAY. Again, the book is called <em>With These Words<\/em> by Rob Flood. You can order online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to get your copy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThese are days when all of us need to be re-anchoring our hearts and minds in the truth of God\u2019s word in God\u2019s providence and His providential care for us. It\u2019s easy to become fearful or anxious. Jesus in the sermon on the mount said, \u201cDon\u2019t be anxious about your life. About what you\u2019ll eat or what you\u2019ll drink or about your body what you will put on it. Life is about more than food, and the body is about more than clothing.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe\u2019s reminding us that we need to be spiritually minded in the midst of present challenges that we are facing in this life. I hope all of us during this season of heightened anxiety in our lives and in our culture are pointing one another and pointing people in our community to the only real source of hope we have. Our hope in Christ. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou may have heard of a document from church history called <em>The Heidelberg Catechism<\/em>. The very first question in that catechism is, \u201cwhat is your only comfort in life and death?\u201d We are living in life and death days. The answer to that question is I am not my own but I belong with body and soul both in life and death to my faithful Savior, Jesus Christ. He\u2019s fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood. He\u2019s set me free from the power of the devil. He also preserves me in such a way that without the will of my heavenly Father not a hair can fall from my head. Indeed all things must work together for my salvation. Therefore, by his Holy Spirit he assures me of eternal life and makes me heartily willing and ready from now on to live for him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s where our hope is found. In Christ. I hope during these anxious days you are renewing your mind and setting your mind on things above not on things of earth. And rejoicing in the reality that you belong to Christ. Let me just say if you don\u2019t know Christ let me encourage you to go to our website familylifetoday.com. There\u2019s information available there about how you can deal with your anxiety and find comfort by becoming a child of God by surrendering your life to Jesus Christ. Again, go to our website familylifetoday.com or call us if you\u2019d like to know more about what it means to be a Christian. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you can join us, again, tomorrow when we\u2019re going to talk about one of the ways that life can get complicated for blended families; and that\u2019s in the area of finances and money. Ron Deal, who gives leadership to FamilyLife Blended<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, is going to be with us to talk about how blended families can be proactive to make sure money doesn\u2019t become an issue in their blended marriage. I hope you can tune in for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch. He got some help from our friend, Mark Ramey. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/305895","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=305895"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=305895"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=305895"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=305895"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=305895"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=305895"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=305895"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}